Episode 3 Top Gear


Episode 3

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Tonight: A fat man gets murdered, a donkey gets overtaken,

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and James wears ladies' underwear on his head.

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Hello. Hello, good evening.

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Welcome. Welcome, everybody.

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Thank you. Thank you so much.

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Now, we begin with a letter.

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It says, "Dear Top Gear, I'm a leading light in the Albanian Mafia

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"and I'm thinking of buying the new baby Rolls-Royce, the Ghost.

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"But how does it compare to, say, a Bentley or a Mercedes?

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"Yours sincerely, Normanski Ataesi." Now this caused one hell of a row in the office.

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The producers said we should go out to Albania and do the test.

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We said, "No, we can't be seen to be helping the Mafia." We were adamant.

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We said, "This is our line in the sand, we will not go!"

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You join me on the ferry from Corfu to Albania and here is the car in question,

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the new Rolls-Royce Ghost -

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£200,000 of power, prestige and...peeled cows.

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And this Mercedes is the alternative -

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the twin turbo-charged V12 S65.

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In short, the most powerful saloon car in the world.

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And this is where the Bentley Mulsanne should be,

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but just a few days before we were due to come out here,

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Bentley decided not to take part in the film.

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So no Bentley?

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-No.

-So you're going to tell a leading light of the Albanian Mafia

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you couldn't bring them their car because it was a bit difficult.

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No, I've made an alternative arrangement.

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And when we arrived the alternative arrangement was waiting for us.

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-It's a Yugo.

-Yes.

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But in a number of critical ways, it is exactly the same as the new Bentley Mulsanne. Listen to this.

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DULL THUMP There you go.

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That's the same sort of dull aristocratic whump.

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-Four door.

-There's a hole on the outside you put the fuel in.

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-Yeah, engine at the front, rear drive, probably.

-Drive it from there.

-From that wheel there.

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It is - for this mission, it's exactly the same as the Bentley Mulsanne,

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-in the same way that Roy Hattersley is the same as a tub of lard.

-Yes.

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This is the perfect car for the job.

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-Can't say that.

-What?

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-You can't say that word, the C-word.

-I didn't, did I?

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-Not that C-word, the other C-word.

-Car?

-Yes.

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-Car?

-You can't say that, car here means gentleman's sausage.

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-Really? What?

-That's why they all watch Top Gear in Albania.

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-IN BAD ALBANIAN ACCENT:

-Funnier even than Norman Wisdom, you make show about...

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-So when I say, "My car's enormous..."

-That's the funniest thing in the world they've ever heard.

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They tune in every week.

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-We do a car show.

-Yes, but you can't say car or peach.

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-Peach?

-Don't say peach?

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-What does that mean?

-Lady garden. So this car's a peach is really bad.

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With the ground rules established, we headed inland into the rain to begin the road test.

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Let's get one thing absolutely clear from the start - the Ghost is not a bespoke Rolls-Royce,

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not like the Phantom, the bigger one.

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This one underneath is a BMW 7 Series.

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However, everything you see, everything you touch, everything you feel, it's all Rolls-Royce.

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It's chuffing marvellous, this ca...motor.

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At £160,000, the S Class is £40,000 less than the Ghost.

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But it's not like they have skimped.

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I've never driven anything where you get such a sense of there being a lot of things going on

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in the background, to keep you safe, to keep you on the road.

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Everywhere I look there's a little light comes on to let you know -

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one there to tell me it's a 30 kilometre an hour speed limit around here.

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It just knows that and I have never experienced a car this big and so powerful.

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I can't believe I said car this big.

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In the Mulsanne, however... I must say I'm terribly disappointed by the Bentley.

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It is the most expensive...

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Oh, God, strewth! I'm going off. No, I managed to... Jesus wept!

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It is the most expensive penis of the three,

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£220,000, and from where I am sitting, it is hard to see why.

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Oh, crunch. What the hell were Bentley thinking of?

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Even by Albanian standards, it was absolute rubbish.

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Until 1991, Albania was probably the most extreme Marxist state in the world.

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One man, who owned a cafe, got 18 years in jail for telling a customer he didn't have a spoon.

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Another guy pointed at Corfu over there and said,

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"Why have they got a light in their harbour and we haven't?" He got 25 years.

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And soon we were reminded of the dark days because the road just sort of stopped.

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And to make things worse, instead of white lines, they'd used rocks.

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Let's not view this as a bad thing, it is at least a chance to test the car's ride.

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As far as I'm concerned, the road merely changes colour occasionally.

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I am quite surprised because this is an AMG-tuned Merc, which you would expect to be a very firm thing.

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It's coping with this very well. However, in the Bentley...

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This has to be the least refined car I've ever driven.

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This is simply intolerable.

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£220,000 for this. Oh, God, it's...

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Yeah, you got hooked up on a cat's eye, mate.

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-Let's - can we - if one pushes and two lift the wheel arches...

-We just lift it off.

-Heave!

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The bumper is in deep trouble here.

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-Yes.

-Just drive it back, hang on.

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-That is wedged.

-That's sad to see a Bentley treated in such a...

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Nice(!) It's off.

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Tough thing!

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Fortunately, the rough road soon ended. Unfortunately, it ended at an Albanian river crossing.

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-That's not the ferry, is it?

-Yes.

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That's a raft, rather than a ferry, isn't it?

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Still, it wasn't like the cars we'd be loading were valuable, or heavy.

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It's not even fastened together. It's driftwood.

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Have seen the captain's chair?

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That's the most incredible thing I've seen - it's got five legs, it's got five legs.

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Despite the peril, James volunteered to go first.

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Ha-ha-ha!

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-No, no.

-You're all right now.

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Oh, my God. What worries me is the Bentley is 2.8 tonnes, it's the heaviest by far.

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Wow. I guess because it's in the middle, it didn't have the same effect.

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We're off.

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We are now leaving the shore on an old piece of flotsam with over half a million quids worth of cars.

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This is the best ferry I've ever been on.

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-It is the worst I've ever been on.

-This is the worst thing I've ever been on.

-It's absolutely terrible.

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Eventually, HMS Driftwood deposited us gracefully on the other side.

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Oh, no. And as we drove on, we realised that one

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benefit of the Mercedes, if you're a Mafia boss, is that you do blend in.

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Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.

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Mercedes. Mercedes.

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Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.

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Look at them all.

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Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.

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Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.

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It turns out that a staggering 80% of all cars registered in Albania are old Mercs.

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But that said, English cars are popular too -

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a point we discussed when we pulled over for afternoon tea.

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Apparently, what happens is, Albanians go to England,

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get a job, buy a car, and then bring it back with them here.

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-Right.

-It is quite traditional when you bring a car back like that that you drive it

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around with the door locks pulled out and sometimes little marks along the back of the door, the trailing edge.

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-They have a tradition here of filing off any numbers they find under the bonnet.

-That's to save weight.

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-Oh, is it?

-Yes, that's why they do it, all the VIN numbers, identifying plates, that makes the car lighter.

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-Oh I see.

-Weight-saving measures are important.

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Some of them, though, are stolen.

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-No!

-Give up!

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-I'm afraid they are.

-After tea, the sun came out, so we hit the coast road and went for a nice cruise.

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Well, it was nice for me.

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God! The power of this thing and the acceleration it makes possible is mind-blowing.

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It's weird, actually, because it's so quiet.

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There's always noise when you go fast and yet, in this, there really isn't.

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The beans, oh! It doesn't encourage you to be sporty, or aggressive.

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It's just so nice.

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It's nice in the Rolls-Royce.

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But then my nice time was ruined by news from the Bentley.

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Oh, no, the Mulsanne is overheating.

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We stopped to let the twin turbo V8 cool, but then...it decided to die.

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ENGINE WON'T TICK OVER

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No. So I tried a reverse bump start.

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-He's done that wrong.

-The brakes!

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No.

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The door mirror's come off!

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It's suddenly dawned upon me that he isn't very bright.

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I think he could be a massive idiot.

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The door mirror!

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-How long will he go before...?

-Well...

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Oh, no.

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Just get it away from the wall.

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It's the steepest hill in Albania you've broken down on.

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While we examined the engine, the orang-utan tried to mend the door.

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Then an Albanian mechanic arrived and Jeremy filled him in.

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Running, then stop.

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That describes most breakdowns.

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Running and then stop, you idiot!

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Don't say to that man, "My car needs a jump."

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LAUGHTER

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Yes. Yes.

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The Bentley is running well.

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It had been a long and tiring day on the road, but for Hammond, that was OK.

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This S Class has a new system on board.

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It just monitors the driver to make sure he or she isn't getting sleepy,

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or wandering out of the lane, or nodding off, and it's monitoring 70 different parameters about me.

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That must include whether or not I like different types of cheese, or if I'm thinking about hats.

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I was on life-support in an intensive care unit and they weren't monitoring 70 things about me.

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Soon, we arrived at a disused submarine base.

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And Jeremy insisted we should stop.

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I am a mountain goat. Oh!

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-LAUGHTER

-That was close.

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-Yes.

-I love the idea of sneaky warfare.

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If there were to be a war tomorrow, and I had to volunteer for some service, definitely subs.

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Which is ironic - can you imagine a place where you'd be less welcome.

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I wonder if they're for sale.

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What are you going to do with a submarine, Jeremy?

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Well, drive about in it.

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With the sun going down, I was dragged away from the sub pen

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so we could get back to our Mafia road test.

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We've had a discussion, and we reckon that when someone from the Albanian Mafia

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is choosing a new car, uppermost in his mind will be this: "Can I get a dead body in the boot?"

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-Makes sense.

-That is why the car has a boot.

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-Stands to reason.

-Unfortunately, to find out which of the cars is best, we've had to murder a passer-by.

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Yeah. And here he is.

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As you can see, he's quite a big chap, so he took a lot of murdering.

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And now James is going to see

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if he can get him in the boot of the Rolls-Royce.

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-Am I?

-Yes.

-You go first, yes.

-OK.

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That's a good start. Look at that.

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-What?

-He was a member of a gym.

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-He was not!

-Could we have murdered someone a bit smaller?

-Not really.

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-He was the only one we could catch.

-Anyone smaller would have been faster.

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Come on, James, the police could be on their way.

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I can't lift him up. Three, two, one and up.

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No, it's not working.

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OK. This was hopeless. So rather embarrassingly, we had to ask the man we murdered to give us a hand.

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It's not so much the head, but everything else.

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All we have to do now is saw his leg. Wait a minute.

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Just get that in there.

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-Bend that back round there.

-Yes!

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-Yes!

-Yes. Excellent.

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The great thing about the Rolls-Royce is, it has self-levelling rear suspension,

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so when the boot is shut you won't know from the way it's riding that there is a body in there.

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Except the boot won't go down.

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Right, you get him out and put him in the back of the Benz.

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Get him out?

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'Sadly, there's a fridge in the boot of the Merc,

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'which takes up a lot of room.' Is that it? Can you move that knee?

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No chance!

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That meant our dead body wouldn't fit.

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Nobody wants to see that.

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And even though he did fit in the Bentley, there was still a problem.

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Mate, you can see him. Look.

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-That is a drawback.

-Clearly.

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You might as well just put him in the passenger seat.

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APPLAUSE

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James, Richard, bad news.

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-What?

-Do you see the girl with the red beret on?

-Yeah.

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-She's from Albania.

-Hello!

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And can we just ask, is it right that the word "car" means...

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Yes.

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LAUGHTER

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And "peach"?

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-INAUDIBLE

-Yes.

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-I thought you'd made it up.

-No, we didn't make it up.

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-She's actually from Albania.

-Fair enough.

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I have got some more information on this, er...

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You know in the film I said that some of the cars might be stolen?

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-I know, you did, that was shocking!

-Yes, it was.

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Anyway, I've got some information here on it.

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Albania's public order minister was on his way to Greece to sign an agreement with his opposite number

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on cross-border crime, and as a formality the Greek police did a check on his car and it was nicked.

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And just so I balance this out,

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neighbouring Macedonia, the interior minister was very embarrassed

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when police noticed her car was actually registered to David Beckham.

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That happens to footballers a lot.

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Two AC Milan players had their Range Rovers nicked. D'you know where they turned up?

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-Bournemouth?

-No, it was Albania.

-Was it really?

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-It was.

-I have to say - and not just because you're here -

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genuinely, Albania is a fascinating, brilliant country, very pretty too.

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-Beautiful.

-Anyway, it's now time to do the news. We begin with this.

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Honda, which is a Japanese car company,

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they've developed a hat that knows what your hair is thinking

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and then translates those thoughts in such a way that it can drive the car.

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-Have you gone completely mad?

-No, seriously, I absolutely haven't.

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-They say that hair transmits neurological information.

-Yeah.

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The hat picks that up, translates it, so if you think, "I'd like to turn the wipers on,"

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your hat knows that and the wipers go on.

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-Cos your hair tells you.

-Your hair?

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LAUGHTER

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Your hair cannot drive a car.

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-Your hair isn't very good at being hair!

-In fairness, really.

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What if you'd had a hair transplant?

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Gordon Ramsay!

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-Yeah, exactly.

-Gordon Ramsay, no, wait, wait, wait! Think about it,

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if he's stopped for speeding, he can go, "It wasn't me, I bought my hair from a man in Los Angeles."

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Are we heading for a future where a policeman stops you and says,

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-"Do you know how fast your hair was going, sir?"

-It's out of my hands.

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-Does it have to be your hair... on your head...

-Enough!

-If I buy some pants?

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What, Honda pants?

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But imagine, 17-year-olds think down there a lot, don't they?

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Imagine a 17-year-old boy driving with his pubes.

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-A million miles an hour! It'd be terrifying.

-Listen...

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Ferrari - let's get it back to cars.

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Ferrari has made a new car. It's their first-ever 4-wheel drive car,

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their first-ever hatchback.

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There's a picture here, it's called the FF.

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It's got a V12 direct-injection engine, 6.2 litre,

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208 miles an hour, it's going to cost £250,000, which is a lot,

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but I think that's fantastic. It's a return to what I call

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the shooting brake, the two-plus-two estate.

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We haven't seen one of those since the Lancia HPE.

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Ooh, yes. And do you remember the Volvo P1800ES?

0:19:130:19:19

-That wasn't very brilliant, though.

-No, it was terrible, but it looked good.

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-It looked brilliant.

-And the Reliant Scimitar, which you can see...

-Ah-hum! You've forgotten the rules!

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The law of the land states, if you say "Reliant Scimitar" you have to have a comma and then say...

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Princess Anne has one of those, you know?

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But you say it in such a way that you assume no-one else knows.

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It's extraordinary, I can't think of another person who is so associated with a car.

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Nobody ever says, "Henry Kissinger had an Escort RS2000." He didn't, though, did he, let's be honest.

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She is commonly thought of as being the hardest working Royal.

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She does a lot of work for a lot of people,

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raises millions of pounds all over the world.

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Yet she's still just known for having a Reliant Scimitar. It must be annoying.

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If you think about it - her daughter is getting married later this year.h

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You just know the commentary. They'll wheel out a Dimbleby and the commentary will be,

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"There's the bride's mother looking radiant - she has a Reliant Scimitar, you know."

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-It will.

-I've never driven a Reliant Scimitar, you know?

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-I know someone who's got one.

-Do you?

-Yeah, Princess Anne.

-Oh, right.

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Right, that is the end of the news.

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Now, what we have here is a Ford Sierra Cosworth and a Ford Escort Cosworth.

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I like these cars very much, which is why I am delighted to say

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that after a 15-year gap, the Cosworth name is back.

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But not where you might be expecting it.

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Here it is, on the back of a Subaru.

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And in theory, that's a marriage

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made in heaven.

0:20:580:21:00

You see, what Cosworth is really good at is taking ordinary, boring family saloons

0:21:000:21:05

and turning them into street-fighting,

0:21:050:21:09

come-on-if-you-think-you're hard-enough road racers

0:21:090:21:12

with fiery nostrils and a Geordie Saturday night attitude to peace and love.

0:21:120:21:17

But what they've done here is take a dreary Impreza SDI

0:21:220:21:26

and throw most of it away.

0:21:260:21:29

The 2.5 litre flat-four engine is fitted with new pistons, bearings,

0:21:320:21:37

conrods, gaskets and head nuts,

0:21:370:21:39

along with a totally reworked oil pump, turbo charger,

0:21:390:21:43

intercooler, intake system and exhaust.

0:21:430:21:46

There have been similar modifications elsewhere - new wheels, tyres,

0:21:460:21:50

springs, dampers, bushings and brakes.

0:21:500:21:54

It's not really a Subaru any more, is it?

0:21:540:21:58

HE LAUGHS

0:21:580:22:00

So, is it any good?

0:22:010:22:04

In a word, quite.

0:22:040:22:06

Certainly, it does capture some of the magic we used to get from old Subaru Imprezas.

0:22:060:22:12

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

0:22:160:22:17

Even when you think all is lost -

0:22:220:22:24

sliding - oh, no, you just give it a dab of power, like that,

0:22:240:22:29

and even in rain like this, it isn't lost any more.

0:22:290:22:34

Other nice things?

0:22:440:22:46

Well, it rides beautifully for such a limpet mine, and it is quick.

0:22:460:22:51

0-60 takes 3.5 seconds.

0:22:520:22:55

But there's a huge amount of turbo lag.

0:22:570:23:01

I'm now in fifth gear, 60mph, foot down...

0:23:010:23:04

..nothing.

0:23:050:23:07

Still nothing.

0:23:090:23:11

Hang on a minute, hang on...

0:23:110:23:14

No, I was mistaken, sorry, still nothing.

0:23:140:23:17

There is another issue, too.

0:23:180:23:20

Cosworths are supposed to be rough-and-ready cars for people who work with ladders.

0:23:200:23:25

They're supposed to be a cheap-and-cheerful way

0:23:250:23:28

of embarrassing the Ruperts and the Joneses in their Ferraris,

0:23:280:23:31

but this is as near as makes no difference £50,000,

0:23:310:23:36

and with all that turbo lag, all you're going to embarrass really is...yourself.

0:23:360:23:41

Still nothing.

0:23:420:23:44

Still nothing.

0:23:440:23:46

So, if the Subaru's no good, what else is there?

0:23:470:23:51

Well, there's this.

0:23:560:23:58

It's the Ford Focus RS500, and let's not mess about...

0:24:000:24:05

it's brilliant.

0:24:050:24:08

Ha-ha!

0:24:120:24:13

It has a 2.5 litre turbo-charged engine, just like the Subaru,

0:24:170:24:24

not quite as powerful, but you still get 345 brake horsepower...

0:24:240:24:30

..all of which is sent to the front wheels.

0:24:330:24:35

That sounds like the recipe for a massive accident.

0:24:400:24:43

-TYRES SQUEAL

-But it isn't.

0:24:430:24:45

This is really very, very good.

0:24:450:24:47

Of course, you do get a fair bit of torque steer.

0:24:480:24:53

Watch the steering wheel when I put my foot down. Hands off, here we go,

0:24:530:24:56

and...yeah, we've turned right.

0:24:560:24:59

And right again. Every time the turbo cuts in, you turn right.

0:24:590:25:03

But, thanks to a clever front differential, the grip is incredible.

0:25:030:25:09

It's also extremely fast.

0:25:170:25:21

The top speed, they say, is 165mph.

0:25:220:25:27

165 - that means this Ford Focus

0:25:290:25:31

is 10mph faster than a BMW M5.

0:25:310:25:37

Since that is now 150...

0:25:380:25:40

155...

0:25:410:25:42

yeah, I'll believe them.

0:25:420:25:44

This is a really well-sorted car.

0:25:480:25:51

Well-equipped too, with voice activated keyless Bluetooth.

0:25:520:25:57

And to top it off, it's £35,000,

0:25:570:26:01

nearly £15,000 less than the Subaru.

0:26:010:26:04

So if you're after a family hatchback

0:26:040:26:07

that's vaguely yobbish and very fast, this is your obvious choice.

0:26:070:26:13

Or is it?

0:26:130:26:14

This is a Volvo.

0:26:310:26:33

But, before you leap to conclusions...

0:26:340:26:36

..watch this.

0:26:380:26:39

I'm in the Volvo!

0:26:430:26:45

-Go!

-It's a good start.

0:26:490:26:53

And look at this!

0:26:550:26:57

The Hush Puppy is beating the Reeboks.

0:26:590:27:02

Oh, yes! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

0:27:030:27:07

Yes!

0:27:080:27:09

The pensioner is victorious.

0:27:100:27:13

So, what is it, then, this deafening, electric-blue streak from the frozen North?

0:27:200:27:27

Well, it uses exactly the same turbo-charged 2.5 litre engine

0:27:300:27:35

that Ford use in the hot Focus, but in this it's all turned up to 27...

0:27:350:27:41

or 86 or 109 because it produces,

0:27:410:27:45

as near as makes no difference,

0:27:450:27:47

400 horsepower.

0:27:470:27:49

Small wonder they called it the PCP

0:27:540:27:56

cos it really is like driving around in a cloud of angel dust.

0:27:560:28:00

Brrrrrrrr!

0:28:010:28:02

ENGINE ROARS

0:28:090:28:10

Listen to that!

0:28:100:28:11

ENGINE ROARS

0:28:110:28:13

Of course, you probably think it will all fall to pieces

0:28:140:28:18

when it sees a corner. But, no.

0:28:180:28:20

It has, I'm delighted to say on a day like today, four-wheel-drive,

0:28:260:28:29

so the grip is just phenomenal and you can reach amazing angles

0:28:290:28:35

and still rescue it.

0:28:350:28:36

It was built for fun by the team that makes the Volvos

0:28:390:28:43

for the Swedish Touring Car Championship

0:28:430:28:47

and it is genuinely remarkable.

0:28:470:28:48

Really sharp, really hard, really raw,

0:28:480:28:53

and it just goes like the clappers.

0:28:530:28:56

To top it all off, the PCP is based on a normal Volvo C30,

0:29:020:29:07

which we on Top Gear think is the best-looking

0:29:070:29:09

of all the small hatchbacks.

0:29:090:29:12

Inside, the steering wheel, the gear lever, the doors,

0:29:120:29:16

the seats, everything, is covered in what appears to be mole skin.

0:29:160:29:20

And that does make you wonder how big was the mole

0:29:200:29:24

they peeled to make this piece?

0:29:240:29:27

This car is epic, but there is one quite large problem with it.

0:29:320:29:38

Volvo refuses point blank to put it into production.

0:29:380:29:41

Pity.

0:29:440:29:45

APPLAUSE

0:29:470:29:50

-Wow. It's a shame. That Volvo does just sound incredible.

-Amazing.

0:29:500:29:57

But because they're not actually making it, you would have the Focus?

0:29:570:30:00

The problem is, they only made 500 of these and they're sold out.

0:30:000:30:05

Right. So if you want a very hot hatch, it's got to be

0:30:050:30:07

the not so good Subaru?

0:30:070:30:09

They only made 75 of those and they are sold out, as well.

0:30:090:30:14

Hang on, you have just spent nine minutes of our lives

0:30:140:30:18

reviewing two cars you can't buy and one that doesn't exist?

0:30:180:30:21

-Yes, I have.

-Thank you.

0:30:210:30:23

Yes, I have. Now, we must find out how fast they go round our track.

0:30:230:30:27

Not the Volvo, because this board is for production cars only,

0:30:270:30:31

so, the other two.

0:30:310:30:33

That, of course, means handing them to our tame racing driver.

0:30:330:30:36

Some say he once tore a goat in half

0:30:360:30:42

and that he's now regretting buying his new holiday home

0:30:420:30:46

in downtown Cairo.

0:30:460:30:48

LAUGHTER

0:30:480:30:49

All we know is, he's called the Stig.

0:30:490:30:52

And they're off. The track is damp and that should mean

0:30:520:30:56

the four-wheel-drive Subaru has the advantage over

0:30:560:30:59

the front-wheel-drive Ford.

0:30:590:31:00

Let's see in the first corner.

0:31:000:31:02

Coming in wide and... let's have a look.

0:31:020:31:07

Oh, it's the Imprezza, getting out of shape.

0:31:070:31:09

# Going loco down in Acapulco... #

0:31:090:31:13

Absolutely no idea why he is listening to that.

0:31:130:31:17

Now, the Ford coming out there, looking OK, good.

0:31:170:31:21

That trick dif pulling it straight in the Hammerhead.

0:31:210:31:24

Let's watch out for understeer from either of them...

0:31:240:31:27

No, all pretty tidy.

0:31:280:31:29

So, here we are, two turbo-charged slingshots on to the straight.

0:31:290:31:33

Into Follow-through...

0:31:390:31:41

Ooh, Stig drifting the Subaru like a mad one!

0:31:410:31:45

Imprezzas normally look like a gum disease.

0:31:460:31:48

This one is a gum disease with a spoiler on it.

0:31:480:31:51

And with those blacked windows, the Ford looks like a van.

0:31:510:31:55

Just Gambon left.

0:31:550:31:56

Two hatchback drabs coming through there.

0:31:560:31:59

And across the line!

0:32:010:32:02

APPLAUSE

0:32:020:32:04

I have the times here. And the Focus did it

0:32:040:32:09

in 1.30.8. So, wet track, in between two 911s.

0:32:090:32:14

The Subaru, though, I think, thanks to four-wheel-drive, did it in

0:32:140:32:17

1.27.7, so that goes there, look.

0:32:170:32:23

That's some useful consumer advice, if you are thinking of buying

0:32:230:32:26

-any of them, which you aren't, because you can't.

-Thanks(!)

0:32:260:32:29

Let's move on now. It's time, in fact, to put a star

0:32:290:32:32

in our reasonably-priced car.

0:32:320:32:34

My guest tonight is a prodigious tweeter.

0:32:340:32:37

He tweeted only this morning to say he was going to appear

0:32:370:32:40

on the show dressed as a Mexican.

0:32:400:32:42

LAUGHTER

0:32:420:32:43

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Jonathan Ross!

0:32:430:32:46

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:32:460:32:50

Thank you. Thank you. Hello. Hello, Jeremy.

0:32:500:32:52

-Very well. How are you?

-I'm good.

-Have a seat.

0:32:520:32:56

What?

0:32:570:32:58

I brought my Mexican wrestling mask along,

0:32:580:33:01

so you can apologise in person.

0:33:010:33:04

Put it away.

0:33:040:33:06

There's just no possibility of us mentioning Mexico this week.

0:33:060:33:09

We mentioned it maybe twice, I think we have got away with it. You are back on the BBC?

0:33:090:33:13

I'm back, who thought that would happen? Not me. I had 20 quid on it.

0:33:130:33:17

Are you a bit nervous?

0:33:190:33:20

No. Why, should I be?

0:33:200:33:22

No, back on the Beeb.

0:33:220:33:23

I thought you were going to come out to me.

0:33:230:33:25

At least you have chosen to come back on a show

0:33:260:33:29

-that never gets into trouble.

-Exactly.

0:33:290:33:31

-And I'm a safe booking for you.

-Exactly.

0:33:310:33:33

Listen....do you have Tourette's or do you know what you're doing?

0:33:330:33:38

BLEEP BLEEP, you BLEEP!

0:33:380:33:40

LAUGHTER

0:33:400:33:41

Oh no, I don't. Did that come out?

0:33:410:33:45

Yeah, you said it out loud.

0:33:450:33:47

For me, that was just in there.

0:33:470:33:49

No, I don't have Tourette's, Mr Clarkson, but I do sometimes

0:33:490:33:53

maybe go a little bit further than other people.

0:33:530:33:55

I always thought that was part of what I should do.

0:33:550:33:59

You are paid to do certain things and feel you should push things in a certain way and put it out.

0:33:590:34:03

You had David Cameron on the show and asked him if - what's the word

0:34:030:34:07

I can use? - pleasured himself while thinking about Mrs Thatcher?

0:34:070:34:11

-Yes.

-You did say that?

0:34:110:34:13

And then there was Gwyneth Paltrow.

0:34:130:34:15

You said you would like to make a bouncy-bouncy!

0:34:150:34:18

Look, when you were driven round by Cameron Diaz,

0:34:180:34:22

-what were you thinking?

-Oh.

0:34:220:34:25

Yes.

0:34:250:34:26

LAUGHTER

0:34:260:34:27

-We know what you were thinking.

-Many bad things.

-You didn't say it out loud, but I was...

0:34:270:34:31

The show I had on the BBC, certainly part of the fun of it and part of what we were doing

0:34:310:34:35

was doing something very much of the moment and that was the joke.

0:34:350:34:38

I would stand by that, even though that was one of the complaints upheld,

0:34:380:34:41

-not made by Cameron, by the way. who I would still love to...

-Cameron? David Cameron?

0:34:410:34:47

-Cameron Diaz.

-Oh, Cameron Diaz!

0:34:470:34:49

I thought you were coming out to David Cameron - a terrifying prospect.

0:34:490:34:53

I'd rather come out to Nick Clegg. He looks so much easier to dominate!

0:34:530:34:56

We are living in strange times. We must be careful that we don't

0:34:590:35:02

trip up over anybody, which means...

0:35:020:35:04

We can't talk about anything.

0:35:040:35:06

Well, your beard...

0:35:060:35:07

-Lovely.

-We might upset beards and beardmen.

0:35:070:35:11

-Why have you grown a beard?

-Why have I grown a beard?

-Mmm.

0:35:110:35:14

It's easier than getting up and shaving, for a start,

0:35:140:35:17

because you only do this - zzz, zzz, zzz. I did take a really big chunk

0:35:170:35:20

out the bottom the other day,

0:35:200:35:22

because I've got one where you set it and it takes a bit,

0:35:220:35:24

but I had it on the wrong one, my wife was talking, I went, "Yes, darling." and I had

0:35:240:35:28

a reverse Mohawk, with a big stripe up there.

0:35:280:35:29

The opposite of a Brazilian?

0:35:290:35:32

Yes, I do use the same one down there, to trim up the old fella,

0:35:320:35:35

because otherwise you get to our age and you can't see anything there.

0:35:350:35:38

I should explain, we are - we don't look it - but we are the same age.

0:35:380:35:42

Man, what happened to you?!

0:35:420:35:43

LAUGHTER

0:35:430:35:46

-Well, I'm now...

-You were going there, I had to get in first!

0:35:460:35:49

-I now walk up stairs.

-Do you?

-Yeah. Have you never walked up?

0:35:490:35:51

What did you used to do - crawl on your belly like a snake?

0:35:510:35:55

No, do you not do exercise?

0:35:550:35:57

I do. I'm quite strong at the moment, but a bit flabby.

0:35:570:35:59

Can you do those things where you lie on the floor, you basically do

0:35:590:36:03

-a press up and then just hold it there?

-A plank, yes.

-You cannot.

0:36:030:36:06

What's wrong with you? You made out of jelly ?

0:36:060:36:09

-Get your clock out.

-Get your BLEEP out?! I'm going.

0:36:100:36:13

-At least my hearing's still working!

-What's wrong with you?!

0:36:130:36:16

Get down on the floor. I bet you I can do one for longer. Go!

0:36:160:36:20

LAUGHTER

0:36:200:36:23

-I can be here for hours.

-I can be here for hours. Are you in a rush?

0:36:230:36:27

-My arms are starting to wobble quite badly now.

-They're not.

-They are.

0:36:270:36:30

That was just bullying!

0:36:360:36:38

APPLAUSE

0:36:380:36:39

-Otherwise, we would have been there for hours.

-I can do that, literally, all day.

0:36:390:36:43

-That is not an exercise.

-It is an exercise.

0:36:430:36:46

That is not an exercise. All you have done is freeze

0:36:460:36:48

your joints in place, that's not an exercise.

0:36:480:36:50

-Give me a minute.

-It is hard, isn't it?

-I'm sweating quite badly.

0:36:540:36:58

You grow this. Now we have passed 50, this has just appeared.

0:36:580:37:03

I have no clue what you're saying. I want to talk about cars. People buy cars for different reasons.

0:37:030:37:07

I buy them because they're loud, James May buys them because they're brown.

0:37:070:37:11

Looking at yours, you buy them because they're stupid.

0:37:110:37:13

Well, you might think stupid, but one man's stupid is another man's cute and fun.

0:37:130:37:18

-Pink Ford Thunderbird?

-I've got the Thunderbird.

0:37:180:37:21

It is quite stupid.

0:37:210:37:22

No, it's pretty. I don't like driving around seeing all cars look the same.

0:37:220:37:26

I like Hammond, what's happened to him recently? He's got very...

0:37:260:37:29

-In what way?

-He looks like - imagine if you asked a girlie girl

0:37:290:37:32

to decorate a scarecrow, that's him.

0:37:320:37:34

LAUGHTER

0:37:340:37:36

-Somebody's bought him an Adam and the Ants video.

-He's wearing a necklace.

0:37:360:37:39

# Stand and deliver. #

0:37:390:37:41

Does he think he's on his gap-year?

0:37:410:37:43

LAUGHTER

0:37:430:37:44

At least May, you know he's going to be dull before you see him.

0:37:440:37:48

MAY: I don't much like Jonathan Ross, he's much too flamboyant.

0:37:480:37:50

He didn't like me at all.

0:37:500:37:52

Stop changing the subject. Pink Thunderbird?

0:37:520:37:55

It's coral pink and I love convertibles.

0:37:550:37:58

If it's not raining, even if it's Arctic, I will have... in the snow, I had my roof down.

0:37:580:38:02

Just tell me, when you are driving along then and people can see it is you and everything...

0:38:020:38:06

BEEP, BEEP

0:38:060:38:07

-Are people appreciative or do they say other things?

-They love it. "Hey, Wossy", all the time.

0:38:070:38:13

The other ones - a Messerschmitt and a bubble car.

0:38:130:38:15

-Is that two...

-The Messerschmitt has got the seat behind each other.

0:38:150:38:19

It's like a two-stroke engine, but it's really weird, because if you want to go in reverse,

0:38:190:38:23

you press the key and when you do the ignition, the solenoid drops to the back.

0:38:230:38:27

-So you can get in fourth gear in reverse.

-You can.

0:38:270:38:30

You can go to something like 50mph in reverse in something which is like a lunchbox.

0:38:300:38:34

LAUGHTER

0:38:340:38:36

You've got kids, family and all that. There's nothing in that list where you say,

0:38:360:38:40

"Come on, kids, I'll take you in..."

0:38:400:38:42

The one we use for the family is the car we have had the longest,

0:38:420:38:45

which is, we've got a Toyota Previa, bought second hand 12 years ago,

0:38:450:38:48

and we've had any number of scrapes in it. The dogs have been sick,

0:38:480:38:52

people have dropped drinks everywhere.

0:38:520:38:54

I think my wife did a wee once on a long journey. We've all done it!

0:38:540:38:59

I was saying to her the other day, "You know what is a brilliant idea,

0:38:590:39:02

"we should get together and get some business, go and see the Dragons." If you had a car seat,

0:39:020:39:06

on a long journey, pull out a little thing and it's a potty.

0:39:060:39:08

Then when you go along, press a button, a little panel opens up underneath the car like on a plane,

0:39:080:39:13

drops the poo and the wee out on the motorway.

0:39:130:39:16

Or outside someone's house you don't like.

0:39:160:39:18

I think we've managed to get through the interview part of the interview without too much of a problem.

0:39:210:39:25

Thank Allah for that!

0:39:250:39:26

LAUGHTER

0:39:260:39:28

That's fine. That's all right. That's positive.

0:39:280:39:30

That's all encompassing, that is multi-cultural.

0:39:300:39:33

If you do have a problem, write to us, at Jonathan Ross, ITV.

0:39:330:39:36

-So we get on now, of course, to your lap.

-Yes.

0:39:390:39:42

The last time you were here, you got lost.

0:39:420:39:44

No, I didn't get lost.

0:39:440:39:46

Well...you stopped at the Hammerhead and went like this...

0:39:460:39:49

Because I couldn't... All right, because there was no-one there to give directions and the

0:39:490:39:54

track had disappeared under a large, let's call it a lake, shall we?

0:39:540:39:57

It was a very rainy day, and I went, apparently, over the line.

0:39:570:40:02

Because you are clearly threatened by me, the Alpha male, you took time off me for that reason.

0:40:020:40:06

You've got that arthritis in your finger.

0:40:060:40:09

No, this is a tragic story from my youth. I chopped the top of my finger off when I was two,

0:40:090:40:13

because my mum had gone out to borrow food from the neighbours -

0:40:130:40:16

this sounds so bleak and poverty-ridden - I apparently crawled to the bin

0:40:160:40:20

and got a can of beans out and then sliced my finger off on the top.

0:40:200:40:24

-And you see the stitch marks, if you look closely.

-Look at that.

0:40:240:40:28

I did mine skiing in St Moritz!

0:40:280:40:30

LAUGHTER

0:40:300:40:32

Anyway, who would like to see Jonathan's lap?

0:40:340:40:36

ALL: Yes!

0:40:360:40:37

Let's have a look.

0:40:370:40:39

Right. Ooh, I say we're determined.

0:40:410:40:43

-Is that a good start?

-Ish.

0:40:430:40:45

I think Clarkson arranges bad weather for me.

0:40:450:40:48

Here we go into the first corner, still going round it...

0:40:490:40:54

Is that good, I can't tell?

0:40:540:40:56

Well, not very fast, but sometimes...

0:40:560:40:58

# I'm turning in nice and I'm braking now, baby. #

0:40:580:41:02

..sometimes when a car looks slow, it is actually quite fast.

0:41:020:41:07

Boom. Third. Up.

0:41:070:41:09

-Here we go.

-You have slowed that footage down.

0:41:110:41:13

This is very slow through here.

0:41:130:41:15

That's a good corner, that's good cornering.

0:41:150:41:18

That's where you got lost last time. You've done well - got out of it.

0:41:180:41:21

-I was trying to go to third and I went into fifth.

-Showboating.

0:41:210:41:25

I was in BLEEP fourth.

0:41:250:41:26

I put it in the wrong gear.

0:41:260:41:28

-Fourth sounds about right, fifth, there.

-Pretty good.

0:41:280:41:31

This is better. And missed the BLEEP tyres.

0:41:310:41:34

Whoa!

0:41:350:41:37

The reason you look so slow is because you are quite slow.

0:41:370:41:40

Where are you going now?!

0:41:410:41:43

He told me to do that. Stig told me to do that.

0:41:430:41:45

He wouldn't tell you to go off on the grass. You are lost again.

0:41:450:41:49

I didn't want to miss the opportunity to see the greenery.

0:41:490:41:52

-There we go, across the line.

-Was that my best one?

0:41:530:41:57

It's a combination of various shots to illustrate your driving style.

0:41:570:42:01

It's harder than it looks. It is harder than it looks.

0:42:010:42:04

-It isn't easy.

-What did I do last time?

0:42:040:42:06

I bet I've beaten my last time.

0:42:060:42:08

-I was low last time.

-You were really low last time. Let's do it.

0:42:080:42:13

Last time you were here, you did it in one minute 57 seconds, which would have put you about here.

0:42:130:42:19

-That was a lot slower, that car. This is a faster car.

-Yeah.

0:42:190:42:23

1.57. This time you did it...

0:42:230:42:26

..one minute...

0:42:270:42:28

-..49 dead.

-Yes!

0:42:290:42:35

-That is a big improvement.

-I'm up there with Jeff Goldblum.

0:42:350:42:37

-Yes! Thank you!

-And you were in the wet.

0:42:400:42:42

-That's good. I'm pleased with that.

-Congratulations.

-Pretty good.

0:42:420:42:45

You have improved massively.

0:42:450:42:47

You're still quite slow.

0:42:470:42:49

-I did better, though.

-You did, but the thing is,

0:42:490:42:52

we also have another little bit of footage to demonstrate that you're not really a car man.

0:42:520:42:57

-Well, listen, no. I know how to drive.

-I don't think you do.

0:42:570:43:00

Nor does it, it seems, do you know how to get out of a car.

0:43:000:43:05

-It was too impossible to get out of.

-Would you like to see Jonathan trying to get out of a car?

0:43:050:43:10

I wondered why they made me pull over there to climb out.

0:43:100:43:13

Here we go - Jonathan getting out of the car.

0:43:130:43:15

BLEEP. I broke it. I broke something.

0:43:150:43:19

Ha-ha-ha!

0:43:190:43:21

He's out!

0:43:240:43:25

-Yes!

-CHEERING

0:43:250:43:27

That was hard. That was...

0:43:270:43:29

You need to take part in Le Mans where quick driver changes are important. Say no.

0:43:290:43:33

-It's hard to get out of a car like that and you've put things in the way!

-Say no

0:43:330:43:37

to any race involving a driver change or indeed any race.

0:43:370:43:40

I'll come back and try and slowly crawl up that pole of yours.

0:43:400:43:43

-Oh, come on! This show won't be running that long.

-LAUGHTER

0:43:430:43:47

-It's been fantastic having you back.

-It's lovely being back.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Ross.

-Thank you.

0:43:470:43:53

Great fun. Thank you very much. You've been very kind.

0:43:530:43:56

Thank you.

0:43:560:43:58

Right, back to the main story.

0:44:050:44:08

We've had a letter from a leading light in the Albanian Mafia asking us to find out which is best -

0:44:080:44:13

a Rolls, a Merc or a Yugo which, for complicated reasons, Jeremy is using as a Bentley.

0:44:130:44:20

Yeah. And he would not stop moaning about it.

0:44:200:44:22

-You wouldn't stop moaning about our interest in history.

-Yeah.

0:44:220:44:25

Good point there. Word to the wise, never go on a trip with two OLD men

0:44:250:44:30

-who keep getting teary-eyed about the Cold War.

-Never go on a trip

0:44:300:44:34

anywhere with someone who believes the whole world should be like Birmingham.

0:44:340:44:38

It's market day obviously - that's nice.

0:44:470:44:49

Taking a wheelbarrow, shovel handles and lettuce.

0:44:500:44:54

These little tiny patches of land

0:44:560:44:58

each with the little tiny house on it, and people farming it, is that to do with Communism?

0:44:580:45:02

He is the stupidest man in the world.

0:45:040:45:06

I assume it is.

0:45:060:45:08

Ooh, I've seen control towers over there.

0:45:120:45:15

I want to go and play on a Cold War airfield.

0:45:170:45:20

Oh no.

0:45:200:45:22

'The airfield was abandoned, so assuming straight line speed would be important to a Mafia boss

0:45:240:45:30

'we lined the cars up on the runway for a drag race.'

0:45:300:45:34

This is pure Mercedes territory we're in now.

0:45:350:45:38

The S Class might have the smallest engine of the three, a mere six litres,

0:45:380:45:43

but that twin turbo-charged V12 belts out 604 brake horsepower

0:45:430:45:49

and 737 torques.

0:45:490:45:52

On paper, Hammond is right, the Mercedes ought to monster it.

0:45:540:45:58

But the Rolls-Royce does have 563bhp AND it has eight gears

0:45:580:46:05

where the Mercedes has only five so this will stay on the power better.

0:46:050:46:09

Anybody's race, this.

0:46:090:46:11

Well, not ANYONE'S.

0:46:110:46:13

ENGINES REV

0:46:150:46:16

ENGINE FAILS TO TICK OVER

0:46:160:46:20

Can I have a push?

0:46:200:46:21

This is not customary, is it?

0:46:210:46:23

I want to get it going and then we'll have the race.

0:46:230:46:26

Yeah. Go! Come on, put your back into it.

0:46:260:46:29

ENGINE STARTS Right...

0:46:290:46:31

What?! He's gone!

0:46:310:46:33

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:46:330:46:35

They weren't expecting me to do that.

0:46:350:46:38

What kind of drag race is that?!

0:46:380:46:40

Now, come on, Bentley, come on.

0:46:400:46:43

We have the advantage.

0:46:430:46:44

Give me a gear. Right.

0:46:450:46:47

Three, two, one.

0:46:470:46:51

TYRES SQUEAL

0:46:520:46:54

Woah!

0:46:540:46:56

-God that Mercedes is quick. Look at that!

-This thing is unbelievably fast!

0:46:560:47:01

100kph.

0:47:040:47:06

Bentley now up to 130...

0:47:070:47:10

Oh! Holy moly!

0:47:100:47:14

240 kilometres an hour!

0:47:140:47:15

153, 4, 5, 6, 7...

0:47:150:47:19

260 kilometres an hour!

0:47:250:47:27

That is actually quite a big adrenaline hit. Oh...

0:47:320:47:36

Quite interesting, the runway here is...has got crazy paving, and some of the slabs are mined

0:47:360:47:42

so they can be detonated should Albania be invaded by a country that wants its, um,

0:47:420:47:47

watermelons. We're doing 70 now.

0:47:470:47:50

'With the drag race done, I thought we should move on.

0:47:530:47:57

'But I had forgotten I was on tour with Brezhnev and Khrushchev.'

0:47:570:48:01

James, you are in for a surprise.

0:48:010:48:04

Oh, bloody hell!

0:48:040:48:06

-Oh, God!

-Oh...God...

0:48:090:48:12

Those are MiG-15s.

0:48:120:48:13

This is astonishing.

0:48:130:48:15

That's a 19.

0:48:150:48:17

Look at that!

0:48:170:48:18

I mean, there's a lot of MiGs here,

0:48:180:48:20

really a lot of MiGs.

0:48:200:48:23

The drag race has murdered it.

0:48:320:48:34

Come on, shut that, let's look at this.

0:48:350:48:37

I've never been in a better place to let an engine cool.

0:48:370:48:41

-Oh!

-So these are MiG-15s?

-No, that's a 19.

0:48:410:48:45

-This is a 19?

-Yeah.

0:48:450:48:47

While those two are re-living their Cold War fantasies,

0:48:470:48:51

let me talk you through some features of the S Class.

0:48:510:48:53

For a start, I can a adjust

0:48:530:48:55

the seat sides down here,

0:48:550:48:57

the backrest sides, the lumbar overall,

0:48:570:49:00

the lumbar cushioning, the shoulders.

0:49:000:49:02

Then I access the massage menu because I have a choice -

0:49:020:49:05

slow and gentle, slow and vigorous, fast and gentle,

0:49:050:49:07

or fast and vigorous.

0:49:070:49:09

Ooh.

0:49:090:49:11

It's got... The ejector seat handles are where your right shin is.

0:49:110:49:15

This is just... Honestly I have never been anywhere...

0:49:150:49:18

-Albania is like a museum.

-It is.

0:49:180:49:20

Opening the boot lid, it can be done with a key fob,

0:49:200:49:23

or it can be done remotely from within the car.

0:49:230:49:26

But you don't want to just open it

0:49:260:49:27

because how far do you want your boot lid to open?

0:49:270:49:30

I can set it here

0:49:300:49:32

to open this much, or a little bit wider, assuming there's room, obviously.

0:49:320:49:36

'Back in the scrap yard, James was starting to get boring.'

0:49:360:49:40

I think the 17 is interesting because it points to a lot of nascent developments

0:49:400:49:45

in aerodynamics around that time when transonic and supersonic flight was only just...

0:49:450:49:50

The TU-15, two-seater version of the MiG-15 from the Korean War. I believe that will have been built in China.

0:49:500:49:56

When the relationship between China and Russia broke down the Chinese made copy-engineered MiG-15s.

0:49:560:50:01

But the flaps still work.

0:50:010:50:03

Ailerons, dear boy.

0:50:030:50:05

'After James's interesting lecture, I turned my attention back to the Mulsanne.'

0:50:070:50:13

I don't know that this new Bentley is going to catch on with Bentley's traditional customer base -

0:50:140:50:20

Kerry Katona, Jordan, Peter Andre,

0:50:200:50:23

John Terry, Brian Cline,

0:50:230:50:26

Wayne Rooney, Coleen Rooney and so on.

0:50:260:50:30

'But would it be perfect for a leading light in the Albanian Mafia?

0:50:300:50:35

'Or would he prefer one of the others? We realised we didn't know.

0:50:350:50:40

'So that night, James and I

0:50:400:50:42

'dreamed up one more test

0:50:420:50:44

'and then, in the bar, we explained it to Hammond.'

0:50:440:50:48

What do you mean, "We're going to rob a bank"?

0:50:480:50:51

It's a great test. We rob a bank, OK? Use our three cars

0:50:510:50:56

as the getaway cars.

0:50:560:50:57

The ones that get away from the police and on to the ferry

0:50:570:51:00

and back to Corfu are good cars.

0:51:000:51:03

If you're caught by the police and you spend the next

0:51:030:51:05

-40 years in jail...

-You've got the wrong car and you know what to blame. The Bentley

0:51:050:51:09

-might suddenly come good.

-No, it won't.

0:51:090:51:12

'The next morning, we found a bank full of money...

0:51:140:51:18

'and robbed it.'

0:51:180:51:20

Going for a stroll. Look normal. Look normal. Look normal.

0:51:200:51:23

Yeah. Take the Merc, that's the quickest.

0:51:230:51:26

Oh, God. Hammond! Hammond!

0:51:280:51:30

There we are, completely normal.

0:51:300:51:32

TYRES SQUEAL

0:51:320:51:34

My Merc...

0:51:350:51:37

-Clarkson, you

-BLEEP!

0:51:370:51:38

Right, Rolls it is.

0:51:380:51:41

Seatbelt safety.

0:51:430:51:44

-You utter

-BLEEP!

0:51:480:51:50

ALARM BELLS RING

0:51:500:51:51

TYRES SQUEAL What a pair of utter, utter cars!

0:51:530:51:57

Where's the sign to Saranda? I want Saranda.

0:51:590:52:02

Oh, zebra crossing. N-not ideal.

0:52:020:52:05

Take your time, chum, why not(?) I would.

0:52:050:52:07

Saranda? Saranda? This way?

0:52:070:52:11

That's the first time EVER

0:52:110:52:13

in history, someone escaping from a bank job has asked directions.

0:52:130:52:17

Right, can we make it to the ferry

0:52:170:52:21

to Corfu without being caught?

0:52:210:52:24

Police, police!

0:52:240:52:27

SIRENS WAIL

0:52:310:52:33

-No! Come on!

-HORNS BEEP

0:52:330:52:35

-HE GROANS

-Hello.

0:52:370:52:39

Come on!

0:52:390:52:41

Why did we rob a bank at rush hour, Hammond?

0:52:410:52:43

Yu-u-uh...

0:52:430:52:44

Why didn't we use a cashpoint like everyone else?

0:52:440:52:47

-HORNS BLARE

-Undercut.

-HORNS BLARE

0:52:470:52:50

Yes.

0:52:500:52:51

'Meanwhile, in the Mulsanne...'

0:52:520:52:55

I can't see a bloody thing.

0:52:550:52:59

Come on! TYRES SQUEAL

0:52:590:53:01

SIRENS WAIL

0:53:010:53:04

Crikey, it's the Albanian rozzers.

0:53:040:53:06

Argh!

0:53:080:53:09

Really annoying me now, keeps dropping down.

0:53:130:53:15

How do women wear tights?

0:53:150:53:17

Ooh, squeezing, squeezing...

0:53:200:53:23

-They're getting closer.

-'Eventually, the road began to open out.'

0:53:240:53:29

Right. Go, go, go, go, go!

0:53:290:53:30

Everything you've got, old Roller, come on!

0:53:300:53:33

Move!

0:53:330:53:35

Don't pull out. Do not...

0:53:430:53:45

TYRES SCREECH

0:53:450:53:47

-JEREMY:

-BLEEP!

0:53:490:53:50

Strewth! How a bank robber lives to be beyond 25 years old, I don't know because it is stressy.

0:53:500:53:57

SIRENS WAIL 'In a Bentley, it's VERY stressy.'

0:53:590:54:02

The heat's all over me.

0:54:080:54:11

Come on, Bentley.

0:54:110:54:14

Climbing. Climbing.

0:54:170:54:19

Ears popping.

0:54:190:54:21

Big drop.

0:54:230:54:25

'Annoyingly, on the damp switchback road, Albania's Five-0

0:54:250:54:28

'could keep up.'

0:54:280:54:30

It rolls a bit more than the Merc.

0:54:320:54:34

God. It's like trying to escape in a bed!

0:54:340:54:37

I might fall out.

0:54:370:54:39

It's got the power. But then you get to a corner -

0:54:400:54:43

and this is a biggy -

0:54:430:54:44

see, front's gone.

0:54:440:54:45

Any curve, any dampness and you've... Whoa.

0:54:470:54:50

'Mercifully, though, the road soon straightened out which meant

0:54:590:55:03

'Hammond and I could absolutely fly.'

0:55:030:55:06

Go, go, go, go, go!

0:55:060:55:08

-Oh! What a machine!

-Yes! I like it.

0:55:100:55:16

It's faster than I was expecting, this Rolls.

0:55:160:55:18

It is genuinely jaw-dropping this thing.

0:55:200:55:23

It feels SO fast.

0:55:250:55:28

I think I just got air in a Rolls-Royce.

0:55:310:55:34

I think I did.

0:55:340:55:36

'For James, though, things weren't going so well.'

0:55:360:55:39

They're gaining. They're gaining.

0:55:390:55:42

No! Catastrophic understeer.

0:55:420:55:48

'Up front, Richard and I had left the rozzers far behind.'

0:55:480:55:52

The ferry is near now.

0:55:550:55:58

Good car, this.

0:55:580:55:59

Not as good as my Merc

0:55:590:56:01

but a good car none the less.

0:56:010:56:02

This is the getaway car of the century.

0:56:030:56:07

If you are a leading light

0:56:070:56:09

in the Albanian Mafia, look no further.

0:56:090:56:13

'Eventually, we made it to the ferry terminal and could taste the freedom.'

0:56:150:56:22

-Go, just go!

-Hang on, shouldn't we wait for James?

0:56:220:56:26

'But James was in big trouble because the cars chasing us had stopped

0:56:260:56:31

'and formed a road block.'

0:56:310:56:33

You'll never take me alive, copper.

0:56:350:56:38

I'll see you in Spain, lads!

0:56:410:56:43

Argh!

0:56:480:56:50

GROANING

0:56:500:56:52

-See you, James.

-It probably didn't hurt much.

0:57:060:57:09

No... Ha-ha-ha!

0:57:090:57:11

-So James May is dead.

-Anyway...

0:57:110:57:15

-APPLAUSE

-I love Albania. Could you have made THAT

0:57:150:57:19

-in any other country in the world?

-Exactly.

-Anyway,

0:57:190:57:23

-we must now choose which of the cars is best.

-Yes,

0:57:230:57:28

I suppose we must. I prefer the Merc, definitely.

0:57:280:57:30

I know that the late James May preferred the Rolls-Royce. He made that very clear.

0:57:300:57:36

And as the Bentley is plainly rubbish, I think you have the casting vote.

0:57:360:57:39

If you were a leading light of the Albanian Mafia, which car would you buy?

0:57:390:57:43

If I was a leading light in the Albanian Mafia, I wouldn't BUY either of them.

0:57:430:57:47

-Good point. OK, which do you prefer?

-I am minded to say the Rolls-Royce.

0:57:470:57:52

But the problem is, if you have one of these,

0:57:520:57:54

one day you will pull up at a set of lights and alongside

0:57:540:57:58

will slide Simon Cowell in his bigger Phantom and he'll go...

0:57:580:58:02

LAUGHTER

0:58:020:58:04

I know what you mean. Be honest, you would only buy the Ghost because you couldn't afford the Phantom.

0:58:040:58:09

-Because I don't want that, I'd have the Mercedes.

-Yes!

0:58:090:58:12

It's not really a bombshell, is it?

0:58:120:58:14

-James's death is a bombshell.

-It's an inconvenience, yes.

0:58:140:58:17

That's true. So on that inconvenience, it's time to end.

0:58:170:58:20

Thank you so much for watching. See you next week. Good night.

0:58:200:58:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:58:240:58:26

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

0:58:430:58:46

E-mail [email protected]

0:58:460:58:49

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