Episode 4 Top Gear


Episode 4

Motoring show. The team discovers some of the unusual pitfalls to watch out for when picking up a used car bargain. Simon Pegg is the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.


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Transcript


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Tonight, our track's a bit foggy.

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A man eats a snack.

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And we move about in a caravan.

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Hello, hello, thank you, everybody, thank you.

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Now, there are lambs in the fields and there are buds in the trees

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and a whiff of spring in the air.

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So the producers gave each of us £2,000 and told us we had to spend it on a convertible four-seater car.

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And then they said we had to take the cars we'd bought down to the Top Gear test track

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where we'd be given a number of challenges.

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This is what I bought.

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It's a 1987 BMW 325i convertible.

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According to the mileometer it's done 94,000 miles which means

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the one thing you can be sure of is it hasn't done 94,000 miles.

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But on the face of it, pretty solid car.

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Best of all, it only cost £1,600.

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CAR HORN HONKS Oh!

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Oh, no.

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That's awkward.

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-That is a 3...

-Yes.

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32... Yeah.

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-325?

-Yes.

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-325.

-Yes.

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How old?

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-'87.

-'88. How much?

-1,600.

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1,950!

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How many miles?

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94, it says. And?

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This "says" 137,000 miles.

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I'm pretty pleased with this, at least they didn't fit stupid after-market wheels on it unlike...

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-Mine.

-Yours comes from a good area, I can tell. Anyone who's got these.

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-Extra locks.

-They don't live in Bourton-on-the-Water, do they?

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It's not a Cotswoldian feature, no.

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-More St Pauls in Bristol, I'm thinking.

-Yeah.

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This is, well, just superb.

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So many different shades of black on there, it's unbelievable.

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He's taken care of his car.

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-Oh ho ho!

-There, you need that.

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-Was he delivering paving slabs one at a time?

-No.

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-Why is that there?

-Because it improves handling.

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'At this point, James arrived in his four-seater convertible.'

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-Oh, dear.

-Oh!

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-Oh, God!

-I don't suppose by any happy chance that's the 318, is it?

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It's a 325, sir. Yours?

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-325.

-Is it?

-Yes.

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325, yes.

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-What year is yours?

-1989.

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-How much did you pay?

-£1,900.

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-Yours looks pretty standard.

-It is.

-Except for the rust obviously.

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Mine's nice.

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Don't do that! I've just fixed that.

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I barely touched it!

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'So none of us had bought an Audi or a Ford or a Merc and that looked like a cock-up.

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'But then I realised that, actually, it wasn't.'

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I think this is brilliant.

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Well, not really. We've got the same car.

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We're always being asked. People come up to us and say is a Golf

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a good used purchase, or a Volvo or whatever and we always say it depends.

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So what we've got here are three cars,

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they were made in the same factory by the same robots

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at roughly the same time and they've all been driven in the same country by the same sort of people.

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-So they should be the same.

-Ah.

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But I bet you, I bet you they aren't.

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'So we decided to bin the challenges the producers had devised

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'and dream up some of our own.'

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Where's Hammond?

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Don't know, I think we've lost him already.

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CAR IGNITION FAILING, CAR ALARM SOUNDS

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JEREMY AND JAMES LAUGH

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-No, listen, it's...

-Let me hear that sound again.

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CAR ALARM SOUNDS

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-Oh, dear.

-It keeps doing that.

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JEREMY AND JAMES LAUGH

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Stop doing that!

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'Hammond's cheap after-market alarm matched his cheap after-market wheels.'

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They leach into dry rot, they leach into the system.

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-There's wires going everywhere.

-Can't you just take it all off?

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-No.

-No, because otherwise you could've stolen a car by just taking the alarm off.

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They weren't that stupid in the '80s.

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-CAR ALARM SOUNDS

-That's got it.

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'Jeremy and I decided to abandon Hammond and have a race.

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'From 0 to 100 and then back to 0 again,

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'so that we could test our cars' power and brakes.'

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Here are the vital statistics. 2.5 litre straight-six, 170hp,

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at least when it was new, it may have lost a few.

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Jeremy has a 2.5 litre straight-six with 170 horsepower,

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or at least when it was new, he may have lost a few since then.

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The difference, he's got a big slab of concrete in the boot.

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It's not the paving stone in the back I'm worried about,

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it's the automatic gearbox.

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Doing a drag race with an auto is like doing a 100 metre sprint in wellies. Full of tadpoles.

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Yes!

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Bit of steering wheel wobble coming in.

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No concrete is the answer.

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There we go, 0 to 60, that was about 25 seconds.

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RICHARD'S CAR ALARM SOUNDS, FAILS TO START

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90!

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Must be able to do 100.

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And there it is.

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There it is!

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No brakes, no brakes.

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It's just not stopping.

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Please, stop!

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'The gap between our supposedly identical BMWs was staggering.'

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77, 78, 79, 80, 81.

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281 yards.

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-There is another conclusion we can draw from this.

-Which is what?

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That as you'd expect, I've done this properly

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and I've proved myself to be better than you at buying second-hand BMWs.

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Well, your brakes are better.

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And my engine's better and my gearbox is better.

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Speed isn't everything.

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Is it not?

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RICHARD'S CAR ALARM CONTINUES TO SOUND

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After the race, we got Hammond's car going again.

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And went to a Waking The Dead-style forensics lab

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to find out in great detail what sort of life our cars had had.

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-You know the company we're using to do this...

-Mm-hm.

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..are called Manlove Forensics.

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-Are they?

-They are. No, they are.

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Why are they called that?

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Yeah, the boss is called John Manlove.

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Oh. Not many fond schoolday memories for him, I bet.

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They've actually already discovered that your car used to belong to a Muslim man from Birmingham.

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What, they can tell that just from swabbing the seats?

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No, they found this letter in the footwell.

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-Oh, yes.

-Addressed to Jamir Masjid, it's from a mosque in Birmingham.

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-They're good, they are good.

-They're good.

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'But the test they were doing went far beyond looking for old envelopes.'

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Do you know what I'm most worried they'll find in my car?

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-What?

-Gentlemen's relish.

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I quite like gentlemen's relish.

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Oh, you don't mean the stuff from the jar.

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'After many hours, the boss came over with the results.'

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-Hi, I'm John Manlove.

-Can we stick to John?

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Otherwise we're just going to get giggles.

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-This vehicle here.

-This is mine.

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-This had crisp fragments in it.

-Crisps is fine, nobody's worried about that.

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-There was a little bit of vegetation.

-Leaves?

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Bits-and-pieces such as that and some flakes of skin.

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There'll be mine.

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-So that's not too bad, then.

-No, not too bad, fairly standard.

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Let's move on, James' car.

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Lots of skin in this one.

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Including some nice, large flakes of yellowish skin with some blood staining on.

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-A scab!

-Somebody's picked a scab in your car.

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-Full of scabs. Go on.

-Seriously?

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-Anything else worth note?

-Quite a lot of nasal mucus.

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That's bogies, he's talking about bogies.

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Were they smeared on the seat or the sun visor?

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Little balls in the footwell.

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Shall I just finish James's car?

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-Was there more?

-The last one was that the steering wheel was stained

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with a chemical that can be present in high quantities in saliva.

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-Gob.

-So basically if you're talking and driving, that's what you may well expect.

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So Roy Hattersley owned it? Picked his scabs off, spat all over your steering wheel

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and dropped bogies in large quantities in your footwell.

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I don't even want to look at your car now!

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But then Mr Manlove came to Hammond's car.

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First of all, there was some black sports type-tape with what turned out to be blood staining on it.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sports tape with blood on the end of it?

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-Somebody's been bound.

-And murdered.

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Again the steering wheel had what appeared to be saliva staining on it.

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And lastly, we had pubic hairs and faeces present.

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-I'm sorry, did you say the word "faeces"?

-What certainly appeared to be faecal matter, yes.

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That's poo, isn't it?

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-That's poo.

-Your car's got poo in it.

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Is that normal?

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Well, it's like driving around in a Moroccan prison, isn't it, really? In the front of his car.

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'After the forensic tests, my colleagues were very distressed.'

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Oh, God.

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So we decided to pull over and see which of our cars was the most thief-proof.

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This meant finding some thieves who insisted that we pixelate their faces.

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Unfortunately the pixelating was done by a man who'd just had his car nicked.

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Our thieves with the pixelated...

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chests will now see how quickly they can break into the cars and drive them away.

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Are you ready, chaps? Here we go.

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Three, two, one, go!

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'I felt sure at this point that thanks to the double locks and the immobiliser,

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'my car would finally start to come good.'

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I think you'll find they'll take a while getting in.

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-He's into mine.

-Oh, he's into yours!

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Yeah, but even though... OK, he's in, but I think you'll find...

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HE STARTS CAR, CAR ALARM SOUNDS

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-That's ridiculous!

-That was honestly,

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that was just no time.

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Your car is now on a cross-Channel ferry on its way to Uzbekistan.

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-It really is quite tense now.

-Come on, Jeremy's thief.

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Come on, James' thief.

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Come on, Jeremy's thief.

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However, after 20 minutes, both our cars were still where we'd left them.

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So we decided to call it a draw.

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Unsurprisingly, the thief decided to return my car, which meant he could

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explain the reason it was so easy to steal is the ignition barrel is all

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worn smooth inside so you could start it with the handle of a teaspoon or a lollipop stick.

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I think it has done more than 94,000 miles.

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So far, then, we'd proved that our identical cars were in fact completely different.

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And that Hammond's was full of someone else's pubic hair.

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APPLAUSE

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I've washed my hands, I've washed my hands.

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-I mean, honestly...

-Not nice.

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Just knowing that. Isn't it extraordinary when

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you buy a used car, you'll do checks to make sure the gearbox is working,

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the differential isn't all broken but you don't do anything to check the state of the interior?

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It's really weird because I could cope if I thought a car had missed a service or two

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or something like that but once I found out that one was full of nasal mucus, I'd have walked away.

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Has anyone here bought a used car recently?

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Nobody's bought a used car?

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So you bought a used car?

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-Yes.

-And did you check it out for...

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-Scabs?

-Scabs? Blood?

-No.

-Faeces?

-Nothing, no.

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-You're from Liverpool?

-Liverpool.

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I said bought, anyone here bought!

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-Oh, here we go again!

-You have?

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Did you check out if it's got any finance owing on it?

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-Finance.

-You did finance, you did checks on the mechanical components?

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-I did.

-Did you see if there were anybody else's bottom mushrooms growing in the carpet?

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-No.

-You didn't. I'm very surprised, I'm really quite surprised. Anyway we're going to pick it up later on.

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Now we ought to do the news.

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Can I just talk about speed cameras, does anybody mind?

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You know Oxfordshire Council announced recently, last year,

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it would turn all the speed cameras off and when they said that,

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all the road safety groups were running around saying

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everybody will be dead in 10 minutes as a result.

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Well, six months have now elapsed and the road safety groups are saying they don't know

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what effect the switch-off has had on accident figures.

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-How can they not know?

-They say they're not in yet.

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But I always know pretty much immediately when I've had an accident.

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There are clues, big noise, sudden stop, that sort of thing.

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The thing is they may not know but I do because I've done some digging.

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In a three-month period in 2009, when the cameras were on, there were 35 accidents at speed camera sites.

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In the same three-month period when the cameras were switched off

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in 2010, there were 35 accidents at speed camera sites.

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-No difference.

-No difference at all.

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-What about fatalities?

-Fatalities, there were none with the cameras on and none with the cameras off.

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-Really?

-What's interesting about this is that you'd think this made no difference and saved the council

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a fortune by getting rid of the speed cameras but they're now saying the police are going to take over

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-running them and turn them back on again in April.

-I thought they said they couldn't afford to run them?

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No, the police are doing it.

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-But this is very good news because that must mean they've solved all the other crimes.

-What, the police?

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Actually, they haven't solved them all but they have caught that bloke who nicked the lead off my roof.

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You had lead stolen from your roof?

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-All of it.

-Only you would be the victim of a crime from the 1950s.

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Was the villain chased by a black and white policeman blowing a whistle, by any chance?

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-Yes.

-Was he driving a Ford Zephyr?

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-The thing is I live in Oxfordshire and I was burgled quite recently and they haven't caught her yet.

-Her?

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-I'm not sexist.

-Nice touch. Good work.

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See? We're not.

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I'd like, if you don't mind, to talk about magpies.

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It's a car show, Jeremy.

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Bear with me, because there's an organisation called the Songbird Survival Trust.

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They're calling for a cull on magpies.

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They're not calling it a cull, they're saying they want to do an experiment.

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Is it an experiment to see what happens to a magpie if you fire a shotgun at it?

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Yes, it is, basically.

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I agree with them on this but for different reasons. They say if you get rid of magpies then we'll

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have more songbirds because magpies eat songbirds, but there's a better reason.

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Magpies are a menace to road safety.

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-They look like they'd be bad drivers, don't they?

-Stupid idiot, listen, I'm not a superstitious man.

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I can walk under a ladder, put my head in a lion's mouth.

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That's not a superstition, you idiot, it's a bad idea.

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I can put a hat on my new shoes, all those things but I do salute magpies. OK?

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The problem is because the magpie is the only bird in Britain these days,

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you're just driving along doing this the whole time.

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No, you don't just salute, if you see a single magpie, one on its own, you have to say, "Morning, Captain,"

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three times. Morning, Captain, morning, Captain, morning, Captain, salute three times, spit three times,

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touch your right elbow with your left hand, one, two, three times

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and then lick your thumb and make a cross in the top right-hand corner of the windscreen.

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-You don't have to do that.

-You do.

-Do you do that when you see a magpie?

-Every single time.

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It's quite a faff and it's difficult on the bike but I do it. Morning, Captain...

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one, two, three, and then you carry on.

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You've both got that completely wrong because what you're supposed to do,

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it's only the first magpie of the day and you salute and say. "Morning, Mr Magpie,"

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and you don't do it in the afternoon because that's bad luck

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and you don't do the second one...

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-Rubbish! How do you know it's the first magpie of the day?

-You don't join the Village People.

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Is anyone here Jewish?

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-Yep.

-You are, where's Jewish, hands up?

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You are? Do you know what we're talking about?

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-Yeah, Newcastle.

-No, no, no.

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It's not Newcastle, I know where you're going with that.

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It's just that our studio director's Jewish and has no idea what

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we're talking about because he said perhaps Jews don't do it.

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Is anyone else Jewish who has no clue?

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-You're Jewish, and do you salute magpies?

-No, but we know about it.

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You know about it but you don't do it? Interesting.

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So it could be a religious thing. I don't know.

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-Do Jewish people have more road accidents as a result of magpies?

-No, fewer.

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Jewish people will have fewer road accidents because they're not spending all day long doing this.

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Anyway, look. To cut to the point here,

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whether you do my simple salute which is correct, or his full morris dance...

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Can't be too careful.

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We need to stop it because the advantages are huge

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because if you get rid of magpies, you have more songbirds so the air sounds nicer.

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You've got tits and... Why did I say tits?

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Sparrows and all that sort of thing and that'd be brilliant,

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plus we don't have to do that and that'll make the roads safer.

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There we are, Top Gear top tip, kill all magpies and kill them now.

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Hey, listen, listen.

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There's a new lightweight Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder that's come along. Here it is.

0:18:110:18:17

It's called the Performante. That's going to cost you a hundred and...

0:18:170:18:21

I can't read that. What's that say?

0:18:210:18:23

You poor, knackered old goat.

0:18:230:18:25

-£188,000.

-£188,000.

0:18:250:18:29

-Top speed I do know. 201 mph.

-Is that possibly the best-looking car in production right now?

0:18:290:18:35

It is a fantastic-looking car.

0:18:350:18:37

The problem is it's getting quite old and compared to the Ferrari 458, it just feels old-fashioned.

0:18:370:18:42

The thing is, this isn't just a duel now between the Italians,

0:18:420:18:47

because the British have moved in with a new McLaren.

0:18:470:18:49

Yes, it's called the MP4-12C.

0:18:490:18:54

We've got it here in the studio and this is the first time we've been able to have a proper look at it.

0:18:540:18:59

It has McLaren's own engine, a 3.8 litre twin-turbo V8.

0:18:590:19:05

It also has very sophisticated computer-controlled suspension.

0:19:050:19:09

And, most interestingly, it was tested here at the Top Gear test track.

0:19:090:19:14

We should stress we had nothing to do with the testing or development of it at all.

0:19:140:19:18

No, nothing whatsoever. The thing that bothers me, Hammond, is I've driven the 458 a lot, as you know.

0:19:180:19:24

I love it and I cannot see how this can be better.

0:19:240:19:27

I know, but what if it is?

0:19:270:19:29

There are a few pointers. For one thing, it's cheaper than the 458.

0:19:290:19:33

-You can't get in!

-I can.

-It's also more powerful, 592 brake horse power, which is 30 or so more.

0:19:330:19:38

-These are good signs.

-I like it in here because they've made the steering wheel the steering wheel.

0:19:380:19:43

They haven't fallen into that trap of putting buttons all over it to make it feel like Formula 1.

0:19:430:19:48

They don't make you choose on your instrument panel between the speedometer and the sat nav

0:19:480:19:53

like Ferrari do. All that stuff they put here, and your music, on a sort of iPad thing in the middle.

0:19:530:19:58

It's a fantastic place to be.

0:19:580:20:00

My only problem with this really is, I like a supercar to look a bit crazy, a bit mad, like a Zonda.

0:20:000:20:07

If you ask me, this is sort of plain.

0:20:070:20:10

You say Zonda, but which Zonda do you mean?

0:20:100:20:13

Well, the Pagani Zonda, as opposed to the Kia Zonda or the Ford Zonda.

0:20:130:20:18

No, you see, over the years, there have been thousands of them.

0:20:180:20:22

The saga began 12 years ago when Pagani launched this - Genesis.

0:20:240:20:30

The very brilliant and very dramatic C12.

0:20:300:20:34

A year later, they introduced a slightly faster version called the C12S,

0:20:340:20:39

and we saw that it was good.

0:20:390:20:42

Then there was the Roadster S and the Monza, and the F,

0:20:420:20:48

and the F Roadster.

0:20:480:20:50

And then, just when we thought every angle had been explored, the F Clubsport.

0:20:500:20:56

We imagined that this would be the final Zonda, the final encore.

0:20:590:21:04

But we were wrong.

0:21:050:21:07

Welcome, everyone, to the Zonda R, the last of the breed.

0:21:160:21:21

And by far the most confusing.

0:21:240:21:27

It looks like a pure-bred racer, but you can't race it,

0:21:310:21:35

because there are rules and regulations in motor sport,

0:21:350:21:39

and this meets none of them. And if you try to take it on the road,

0:21:390:21:43

a policeman is going to stop you and say, "Sir, where are your indicators

0:21:430:21:47

"and why do you not have any tread on your tyres?"

0:21:470:21:51

So if it's not for racing and it's not for the road,

0:21:530:21:57

what is it for?

0:21:570:22:00

Well, this.

0:22:000:22:02

ENGINE DROWNS SPEECH

0:22:100:22:13

Annoyingly, the R is so loud that our team of sound recordists had to have a bit of a rethink.

0:22:150:22:22

What I was saying before I had this microphone fitted is, it really is jolly fast.

0:22:250:22:32

Very jolly fast!

0:22:330:22:35

0 to 60 takes 3 seconds.

0:22:380:22:40

Top speed? Nobody knows. Definitely more than 230, though.

0:22:420:22:48

The main reason for all this phenomenalness is the engine.

0:22:500:22:54

It's a six-litre Mercedes V12, which produces 740 horsepower.

0:22:590:23:06

And it's being used to power a car which weighs less than a Ford Fiesta.

0:23:060:23:11

That makes the performance extremely dramatic!

0:23:190:23:24

The Zonda R recently blitzed their own record at the Nurburgring.

0:23:270:23:33

It got round in 6 minutes and 47 seconds,

0:23:330:23:39

and from where I'm sitting, I cannot work out why it took so long.

0:23:390:23:44

I can only assume the driver stopped off halfway round to read a book.

0:23:480:23:52

Bruce Forsyth could get this thing round the Nurburgring in less time than that.

0:23:520:23:59

All Zondas look like they will be more complicated to drive than spaceships, but they're not.

0:24:020:24:08

They're easy.

0:24:080:24:11

And because this one has grippy, slick tyres, it's the easiest of the lot.

0:24:110:24:16

You can whizz about at top speed

0:24:170:24:20

and you've got time and brain power to think,

0:24:200:24:23

"I really like the way they've got these air vents laid out."

0:24:230:24:26

That's a nice strap, kind of old-fashioned and modern all at the same time.

0:24:280:24:34

It doesn't really matter if you're not concentrating.

0:24:340:24:39

Because it doesn't weigh anything

0:24:390:24:41

and because its carbon brakes are so enormous,

0:24:410:24:45

it will go from 125 mph to a dead stop in 4.3 seconds.

0:24:450:24:52

Oh, yeah. Like that.

0:24:580:25:01

The only way to stop faster is to hit a tree.

0:25:020:25:06

And this is the first Zonda to have a flappy-paddle gearbox.

0:25:090:25:14

It isn't the most refined system in the world, if I'm honest, but it is quick.

0:25:140:25:20

And it does mean that when you floor it, you enjoy the fury

0:25:200:25:24

and all you have to do when the fury runs out, pull the lever and it starts all over again.

0:25:240:25:31

Go! Yeah. Go! Go! Yes, go!

0:25:310:25:36

Go, go, go!

0:25:390:25:42

This car is fantastic.

0:25:420:25:45

An extraordinary example of what can be done when there are no rules.

0:25:450:25:50

But for a toy, it is a bit expensive.

0:25:500:25:55

The car will cost you £1.46 million, and because most British racetracks

0:25:550:26:02

have noise limits, which this breaches, you'll need your own.

0:26:020:26:08

And the going rate for one of those these days,

0:26:100:26:12

about 6 billion. Billion!

0:26:120:26:15

One last go, come on.

0:26:180:26:20

Honestly, what a machine.

0:26:280:26:32

What a machine.

0:26:320:26:34

It seems a shame, then, that we wave goodbye to the Zonda with a car that is absolutely brilliant,

0:26:340:26:41

but also completely useless.

0:26:410:26:45

The people at Pagani obviously thought so, too,

0:26:470:26:50

because they recently announced

0:26:500:26:53

that the R would not be the last Zonda after all.

0:26:530:26:56

They would actually finish by making five road-going versions of it.

0:26:560:27:00

And then they'd really, definitely finish with five convertible versions of those.

0:27:000:27:07

But like a 1970s rock band, they don't seem to be able to end the song,

0:27:100:27:15

because they now say that there will be another, one last hurrah.

0:27:150:27:20

This is it, the Tricolore.

0:27:220:27:25

Named after the Italian Air Force aerobatic squadron,

0:27:250:27:28

this, too, is a quietened down, softer version...

0:27:280:27:32

..of the R.

0:27:350:27:36

It's heavier, slightly less powerful,

0:27:460:27:48

and thanks to normal - oops - road tyres, a lot less grippy.

0:27:480:27:52

Ha ha!

0:27:520:27:53

Oh, dear.

0:27:560:27:59

But it's still a great car.

0:27:590:28:00

And still properly, properly fast.

0:28:030:28:09

Ho, ho, ho!

0:28:090:28:11

And because you don't need your own track, it's about 6 billion less than the R.

0:28:110:28:19

That makes it good value.

0:28:190:28:21

But, of course, what makes this

0:28:240:28:27

the best value of all is that I'm driving Revelation.

0:28:270:28:31

The final encore.

0:28:330:28:35

Bye-bye, Zonda.

0:28:350:28:38

Bye-bye.

0:28:400:28:42

APPLAUSE

0:28:580:29:00

Poor old Richard Hammond. You know, the Zonda is his favourite car and now it's all gone.

0:29:060:29:13

No, actually, because after I made that film,

0:29:130:29:16

-Zonda announced they would make two more Tricolores.

-Really? But then it's over?

0:29:160:29:21

No, because when they finish doing those, they're going to make a new one called the 750.

0:29:210:29:26

-Then that's the last Zonda?

-No, because after that... I'm not joking.

0:29:260:29:31

-They're doing one called the HH.

-Then they're going to start

0:29:310:29:34

finally building the new car, the... What's it called?

0:29:340:29:36

-Huarrr...

-Yeah, that one. Huayra.

0:29:360:29:41

While they're dithering about, making up their mind, it's time to find out how fast this one,

0:29:410:29:46

the R, goes round our track. Of course, that means handing it over to our tame racing driver.

0:29:460:29:51

Some say his nipples are explosive.

0:29:510:29:55

And that he's recently had a Mexican...

0:29:570:30:00

I mean Brazilian! I mean Brazilian! Why did I say that?

0:30:000:30:04

I'm sorry, Mr Ambassador. Anyway, all we know is he's called the Stig.

0:30:040:30:09

And he's off. I can't imagine this is going to take very long.

0:30:100:30:13

V12 AMG fury powering towards the first corner. Here we are.

0:30:130:30:19

So much grip in this car.

0:30:190:30:22

It is just gliding through.

0:30:220:30:24

Bit of a four-wheel drift there.

0:30:240:30:27

No stereo, of course, just 12 cylinders singing.

0:30:270:30:32

Actually, not singing, shouting! Actually very wide through Chicago.

0:30:320:30:37

How will he attack Hammerhead?

0:30:370:30:39

Leaning hard on those incredible brakes. Yes. He's nailed it now.

0:30:390:30:46

Yes, he's through.

0:30:460:30:48

Really open the taps now.

0:30:530:30:55

Cuts a steady throttle through the follow-through.

0:30:550:30:57

Unsettled a bit by the bump on the apex. Stig not scared.

0:30:570:31:01

Two corners left. It stays so flat. It actually looks undramatic.

0:31:010:31:06

Oh, a spit of flame!

0:31:060:31:08

Into Gambon and across the line.

0:31:080:31:10

APPLAUSE

0:31:100:31:12

I have the time here.

0:31:140:31:15

He did it in 1:26.7.

0:31:170:31:21

-No!

-No, I'm lying.

0:31:220:31:24

1:08.5.

0:31:250:31:27

CHEERING

0:31:270:31:29

The thing is, you may remember, a couple of years ago,

0:31:330:31:37

Michael Schumacher came here and took a Ferrari FXX round,

0:31:370:31:41

which is the same sort of thing as this, OK?

0:31:410:31:44

That was 1:10.7.

0:31:440:31:47

So that is 2.2 seconds quicker than Schumacher in a Ferrari, on slick tyres as well.

0:31:470:31:53

-Amazing. Either that car is truly incredible...

-Or?

0:31:530:31:57

The Stig is rather underpaid.

0:31:570:32:01

-Yes. There's one more thing we have to do, I'm afraid.

-Get rid of it.

0:32:010:32:05

Yes, of course. It's not a road car. It has no place on our board.

0:32:050:32:09

-It's the rules.

-It's the rules, I'm afraid.

0:32:090:32:13

Let me cheer you up, because it's time now to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.

0:32:130:32:18

In fact, this week, two stars.

0:32:180:32:21

These guys, well, they've fought off zombies in London.

0:32:210:32:25

They've had a knife fight in a supermarket in the West Country.

0:32:250:32:29

More recently, they've helped an alien get back to its home planet.

0:32:290:32:32

So they're either actors or massive liars. Let's find out.

0:32:320:32:37

Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Frost and Simon Pegg!

0:32:370:32:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:32:390:32:42

Gentlemen! How are you?

0:32:420:32:45

I'm very well. Good to see you.

0:32:450:32:46

Look what we've got here.

0:32:480:32:50

Great to see you, guys. Great to see.

0:32:530:32:55

-You two have known each other for donkey's years, haven't you?

-Yes. 17-18 years.

-Met in a restaurant?

0:32:550:33:02

Yes, Mexican restaurant.

0:33:020:33:04

-LAUGHTER

-I can never go back now.

0:33:040:33:06

They've ripped up my Golden Fajita Card.

0:33:060:33:08

You became friends because you shared a love of Star Wars noises?

0:33:100:33:15

-Yeah.

-That's kind of how we bonded. We met because Nick was interested

0:33:150:33:18

in being a stand-up comic, I was a stand-up comic.

0:33:180:33:21

We met, went out a few times. I did this.

0:33:210:33:23

HE BEEPS LIKE A STAR WARS ROBOT

0:33:230:33:26

Which is a noise that a small droid... I can see you glaze over.

0:33:260:33:30

No, I'm quite good at Star Wars, but I am struggling here.

0:33:300:33:34

That's why I fell in love with him, because I thought no-one knew about that except me,

0:33:340:33:38

and then he did it to me and it was like he'd sprayed me with his nerd musk.

0:33:380:33:44

-That was it, then.

-How loving.

0:33:440:33:48

It must be great working with your friends, I imagine.

0:33:480:33:53

I don't know, obviously.

0:33:530:33:55

We have the new film, which is out this week.

0:33:570:33:59

-Valentine's Day.

-It's called Paul.

0:33:590:34:02

The idea was literally a spitball in the garden when we were shooting Shaun Of The Dead.

0:34:020:34:08

The weather was really bad. Our producer said, "Can't we shoot somewhere where it's always sunny?"

0:34:080:34:13

We thought of the desert, then because of our nerd minds, we went straight to Area 51.

0:34:130:34:17

That became aliens. We said, "OK, there's two guys and there's an alien and they help him get home."

0:34:170:34:22

We've got a clip of the film, which we can look at.

0:34:220:34:25

Put...the phone...down.

0:34:270:34:31

Ha-ha-ha!

0:34:310:34:33

-What have you done to him?

-I didn't do anything to him. He fainted.

0:34:350:34:38

Yeah, but you made him faint.

0:34:380:34:40

But it's not like I set my phaser to faint.

0:34:400:34:42

-You've got a phaser?!

-No! Look, listen.

0:34:420:34:45

Hey, I really need your help, OK?

0:34:450:34:47

Can we get this guy back on your wagon?

0:34:470:34:49

HE GIBBERS

0:34:490:34:51

-Are you an alien?

-To you, I am, yes.

-Are you going to probe us?

0:34:510:34:56

Why does everyone assume that? What am I doing?

0:34:560:34:58

-Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?

-W-w-what?

0:34:580:35:02

-I love the alien.

-He's great, isn't he?

-A brilliant alien.

0:35:030:35:07

What gave you the idea to make your alien smoke and swear?

0:35:070:35:11

We just liked the idea that he's been on earth longer than Graham and Clive have.

0:35:110:35:16

He's less alien than they are, really. They're two British guys out of their depth.

0:35:160:35:21

He's been hanging round, smoking strong weed that he gets off the military,

0:35:210:35:25

that he claims killed Bob Dylan.

0:35:250:35:27

Did you get to drive your RV across America?

0:35:280:35:31

-We had to learn how to drive.

-This is going to sound really

-BLEEP

-but we had a driver.

0:35:310:35:36

-What?

-Neither of us have ever driven an RV.

0:35:360:35:40

The point of it was that we would be sitting, writing, while America

0:35:400:35:44

drifted past and we just thought, "Let's have a driver."

0:35:440:35:48

He was the guy that did that amazing handbrake turn in Meet The Fockers.

0:35:480:35:51

De Niro's big CIA blacked-out RV. There's a bit in that when it turns a full handbrake turn.

0:35:510:35:58

-He was the driver?

-He left me driving... We decided to take

0:35:580:36:02

a highway because we were running behind time.

0:36:020:36:06

He really needed the toilet, so he left me at the wheel and I started to lose control.

0:36:060:36:11

Nick was going, "Small corrections, small corrections!" "I can't! I can't!"

0:36:110:36:15

Steve came out the toilet, doing up his flies...

0:36:150:36:19

There was the old story of the guy that rented one, an English guy rented an RV for his holiday.

0:36:190:36:24

It said cruise control, so he put on cruise control. "Lovely!"

0:36:240:36:28

Nobody could work out, in the accident, why he was killed with a kettle in his hand.

0:36:300:36:35

Doing 80 mph. Stupid idiot. Anyway, so look, the lap, this is why you're here.

0:36:350:36:40

-I know you were nervous, because you thought that your size would count against you.

-Yeah.

0:36:420:36:47

-Whereas you, of course... What do you weigh?

-I'm 11.5 stone.

-My leg weighs that much!

0:36:470:36:52

-But the thing is, are you very fit?

-At the moment I am, because I'm doing Mission Impossible 4

0:36:530:36:57

as we speak, and I'm sort of having to be...

0:36:570:37:02

I'm an agent now, so I need to be on...

0:37:020:37:04

I had a long conversation with Mr Cruise about his appearance on this. Still talks about it.

0:37:040:37:10

-Does he?

-He is full of Top Gear.

-He has such a shallow and empty life, obviously.

0:37:100:37:14

But he is obsessed with it.

0:37:140:37:16

Nevertheless, whose lap shall we see first?

0:37:160:37:19

Let's have a look, shall we, at... your lap, Simon?

0:37:190:37:23

Come on, Simon. Let's see your lap. Here we go.

0:37:230:37:25

HE SPLUTTERS

0:37:280:37:30

-I've changed gear. That's a good sign.

-Yep.

0:37:320:37:34

Right, first corner.

0:37:340:37:37

Nice wide line in there.

0:37:370:37:38

New Stig does teach that line.

0:37:380:37:41

-He does, yeah.

-Very... Ooh, you're not using all the road, though.

0:37:410:37:45

Come on, you motherhumper.

0:37:450:37:47

-Mother what?

-Motherhumper.

0:37:470:37:49

Motherhumper? Nice. Watershed language.

0:37:490:37:52

That's looking quite tidy.

0:37:520:37:54

Where are you going? Oh, Hammerhead. Let's have a look. Whoa!

0:37:540:37:57

That's squirreling underbraking. That is quite impressive.

0:37:570:38:00

Right. Keep it in between the lines.

0:38:000:38:04

Just about... Yep.

0:38:040:38:06

-It's much sportier than the last one.

-This is a great car.

0:38:060:38:09

See apostrophe Dee.

0:38:090:38:10

TYRES SCREECH

0:38:120:38:14

-That noise.

-I know.

0:38:140:38:16

Ooh, that gives me a funny feeling!

0:38:160:38:18

Really?

0:38:190:38:21

Whoa! Almost had the back wheel off the ground there.

0:38:210:38:25

Right, second-to-last corner is where most people go wrong.

0:38:250:38:28

-That is extremely tidy.

-Look at that.

0:38:280:38:30

And Gambon...

0:38:300:38:32

Looking very smooth through there.

0:38:320:38:35

And there we are - we've crossed the line. Lovely.

0:38:350:38:38

APPLAUSE

0:38:380:38:41

Now...

0:38:410:38:42

-Before we get on to how you did...

-Yeah.

0:38:460:38:48

..I think we should have a look at Nick's lap.

0:38:480:38:51

-OK.

-Now, Nick, your practices weren't entirely smooth.

0:38:510:38:55

No. I've sat forward already. No, I just wanted to go for it and see what happened.

0:38:550:38:59

Of course, on the second-to-last corner...

0:38:590:39:02

Well, let's have a look at what happened.

0:39:020:39:04

This is ballsy.

0:39:040:39:07

Too ballsy, in fact.

0:39:070:39:08

LAUGHTER

0:39:080:39:09

That's a proper spin! What's that?

0:39:090:39:11

Hitting the kerb. You could have rolled!

0:39:110:39:13

-APPLAUSE

-That's what I call ballsy.

0:39:130:39:18

I think the thing about being in a...

0:39:180:39:20

being a big guy in a small car when you roll it

0:39:200:39:23

is there's nowhere for you to go so it's fine,

0:39:230:39:25

-you just roll around.

-You're wedged in and your eyes go around.

-Yeah.

0:39:250:39:29

Nick, let's see how you got on.

0:39:290:39:31

ENGINE REVS

0:39:310:39:32

TYRES SCREECH

0:39:320:39:34

-Right. Good start.

-Ah, that rubber smell.

0:39:340:39:39

Reminds me of my honeymoon!

0:39:390:39:42

LAUGHTER

0:39:420:39:43

Helmet suits you, got to say.

0:39:430:39:45

I'm not going to talk about the honeymoon, that's why.

0:39:450:39:48

Right, first corner.

0:39:480:39:49

That's a tighter line there than Simon's and using all the road.

0:39:490:39:53

When it squeals, ease it off.

0:39:530:39:55

Just like a bag of pigs.

0:39:550:39:57

LAUGHTER

0:39:570:39:58

'I was trying to channel you.'

0:39:580:40:00

'I'm not even going to go anywhere with these remarks in the car.

0:40:000:40:04

'A bag of pigs.

0:40:040:40:05

'Less aggressive on the brakes than Simon was there.

0:40:050:40:09

'Now, let's have a look. Does this look tidy?'

0:40:090:40:11

BRAKES SQUEAL

0:40:110:40:13

-'Ooh, little chirrup.

-Slow.

0:40:130:40:14

'Looks slow. Could be fast, though. You never know.

0:40:140:40:18

'And on to the straight.'

0:40:180:40:20

You waved!

0:40:200:40:22

Why do I keep looking in the mirror?

0:40:220:40:25

-Why did I keep looking in the mirror?

-I don't know.

0:40:250:40:28

It's natural. It's in everybody they must check the mirror.

0:40:280:40:31

Swing it to the right.

0:40:310:40:33

Past the wall of tyres.

0:40:330:40:35

No, left! Left, left! It's left on the wall!

0:40:350:40:38

-I went out right...

-Oh, I see, to come in again.

0:40:380:40:40

-My willy feels funny.

-LAUGHTER

0:40:400:40:44

That's a James May problem. He's always saying he has this fizzing penis root.

0:40:440:40:48

Right, there we... Ooh, so where are we going?

0:40:480:40:51

-Whoa!

-Tom Cruise line! There we are -

0:40:510:40:54

-we've crossed the line.

-APPLAUSE

0:40:540:40:57

That's two wheels!

0:40:570:40:58

That's dangerous, with me being on the right, too. That could have...

0:40:580:41:04

Now, that is... There's Michael Gambon, Tom Cruise

0:41:040:41:07

-and you have had it on two wheels in that last corner.

-Good.

0:41:070:41:10

-Awesome.

-But was it enough? That is the question.

0:41:100:41:14

I can feel my heart in my ears.

0:41:140:41:16

LAUGHTER

0:41:160:41:18

-Right. Simon.

-Yes?

0:41:180:41:20

You're first in the list, OK?

0:41:200:41:22

When you were last here, you did it in 1:48.05, which actually is a very quick time, in that old...

0:41:220:41:28

-It was a Lacetti, wasn't it?

-It was, yeah.

0:41:280:41:30

So where do you think you've come this time? 1:48.05 - where do you think you are now?

0:41:300:41:35

I honestly couldn't tell you.

0:41:350:41:37

Well, you did it in 1...

0:41:370:41:41

40...

0:41:410:41:43

-4...

-Ooh!

-Wow.

0:41:430:41:45

-..9!

-Wow!

-You...

0:41:450:41:47

APPLAUSE

0:41:470:41:50

..are there.

0:41:500:41:51

So you'll be able to tell Tom Cruise you're right on top of Cameron Diaz... This isn't working, is it?

0:41:560:42:02

-I think it's working fine.

-Between Cameron and Tom. That's great.

0:42:020:42:05

You are between Cameron and Tom. Now, Nick, obviously the heavyweight.

0:42:050:42:09

Yeah. Are you going to put HW on mine?

0:42:090:42:12

-LAUGHTER

-FF.

0:42:120:42:14

-Ah!

-Aw!

0:42:140:42:17

He nearly killed a journalist in Birmingham once for making a joke about his weight.

0:42:180:42:21

-I did.

-Did you?

-I grabbed him round his throat.

0:42:210:42:24

-Really?

-Yeah.

-That's what the new Ferrari's called.

0:42:240:42:28

I was talking about Ferrari.

0:42:280:42:31

I feel like Chewbacca now.

0:42:310:42:33

-"Let the wookiee win."

-HE GRUNTS

0:42:330:42:35

-Where do you reckon you've come on that?

-I don't know. 1:49, maybe.

0:42:370:42:42

Well, you did it in 1...

0:42:420:42:46

40...

0:42:460:42:48

4...

0:42:480:42:49

-Oh!

-..point 5.

0:42:490:42:53

-Oh!

-So that puts you third...

0:42:530:42:59

We did really well.

0:42:590:43:02

Well done.

0:43:020:43:04

Thank you, Jeremy.

0:43:040:43:07

-Are you surprised by this?

-Imagine if I weighed 11 stone. I'd get round in 1:08!

0:43:070:43:11

That is a remarkable performance. Have you done track? You've been here before.

0:43:110:43:16

-I've never done it.

-You've never driven on a track?

0:43:160:43:19

-I bought you a track day, you never went.

-I never went.

0:43:190:43:22

You should try and take it up because there's a natural talent.

0:43:220:43:25

Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost.

0:43:250:43:28

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:280:43:30

Thank you very much.

0:43:300:43:32

-Well done, man.

-I know.

-Brilliant.

0:43:320:43:34

Right, moving on.

0:43:380:43:39

Tonight...

0:43:400:43:42

Tonight we are engaged in a challenge that was supposed to be

0:43:420:43:45

to find the best four-seater convertible you can buy for less than £2,000.

0:43:450:43:50

Yeah. Sadly, though, we all bought BMW 325i.

0:43:500:43:53

So instead we're finding out how different

0:43:530:43:56

three supposedly identical cars have become over the years.

0:43:560:44:00

Yeah. So far we've discovered that his car is full of mucus and mine full of poo...

0:44:000:44:06

-And pubic hair.

-Yeah. And spent most of the time broken down.

0:44:060:44:09

But as we rejoin the action, all three cars are actually working.

0:44:090:44:13

What you're looking at here is the Stig

0:44:160:44:18

setting a lap time in the modern-day equivalent of our cars.

0:44:180:44:23

A time we shall try to match.

0:44:230:44:27

I'm, in some ways, confident. I have the paving slab in the boot giving me better handling,

0:44:270:44:32

and yet not confident at all because I have no brakes.

0:44:320:44:36

-I wonder if my brakes are any good.

-You don't know, do you?

-Not really, no.

0:44:390:44:43

Oooh, stand back!

0:44:430:44:46

1:35.09.

0:44:480:44:51

Right, now we just have to see which one of us gets closest to that time.

0:44:510:44:55

Here we go.

0:44:570:44:59

Wipers not working.

0:45:030:45:04

OK, this, little BMW, is when you win back your stripes.

0:45:040:45:09

It's been lowered.

0:45:090:45:11

I think you'll find it'll suddenly emerge as the star.

0:45:110:45:15

TYRES SCREECH

0:45:150:45:16

Get out of the way, you incompetent, long-haired old spaniel.

0:45:170:45:22

I think this is Chicago.

0:45:230:45:24

Come on, paving stone, do your work.

0:45:270:45:29

TYRES SCREECH

0:45:290:45:31

Holy moley!

0:45:310:45:33

These old 325is, they had semi-trailing on rear suspension.

0:45:330:45:38

They were known as the third biggest killer of yuppies because of the tail-happiness,

0:45:380:45:43

after Porsche 911 and accidents involving races.

0:45:430:45:48

Here's the non-braking Jeremy Clarkson.

0:45:480:45:50

I'll go get Hammond.

0:45:520:45:55

Ooh. I think I'm wasting quite a lot of time being sideways here.

0:45:580:46:03

'Hammond was very easy to catch because whoever had lowered his car hadn't done a very good job.'

0:46:040:46:10

He's got a wobble.

0:46:100:46:11

Whoa!

0:46:110:46:14

My car obviously isn't the fastest here, but it seems to be the most stable.

0:46:150:46:20

TYRES SCREECH

0:46:200:46:22

BLEEP

0:46:250:46:26

'In truth,

0:46:260:46:27

'all of our ultimate driving machines had lost their edge.'

0:46:270:46:32

Oh, dear.

0:46:330:46:34

'But Hammond's was in a class of its own.'

0:46:340:46:37

Oh-ho!

0:46:370:46:39

He's gone. He's so gone now.

0:46:410:46:44

Ha-ha-ha!

0:46:440:46:45

Ha-ha-ha!

0:46:450:46:47

There's a simple rule when you're buying a car, demonstrated by Hammond here.

0:46:490:46:53

If it's been modified, especially if it's been lowered, walk away.

0:46:530:46:59

I'm beginning to think Jeremy's rather crude handling pack might be the answer.

0:47:020:47:07

'With one lap to go, we all decided to really go for it.'

0:47:070:47:11

No, no, no. Don't do that. Damn.

0:47:110:47:16

My seat's collapsed, badly.

0:47:190:47:22

'Still, could be worse.'

0:47:220:47:24

ENGINE WHINES

0:47:240:47:26

ENGINE WHISTLES

0:47:260:47:28

Yeah!

0:47:320:47:35

Right.

0:47:350:47:37

Well, I hope I got a quick time in.

0:47:370:47:39

We'd find out soon enough because the results were in.

0:47:390:47:44

-Here we are, these are the times. Remember, the Stig did it in 1:35.

-Yeah.

0:47:440:47:49

James - 1:55.04.

0:47:490:47:53

Me - 1:55.03 is my best.

0:47:530:47:57

And, Jeremy, your best,

0:47:570:47:58

1:48.0 - which means you win.

0:47:580:48:02

-It's a hollow victory.

-Where's your car?

-Over there.

0:48:020:48:05

-It's quite broken.

-What's wrong with it?

-Well...

0:48:050:48:07

the rear hose let go, sprayed water over the electrics, which shorted them out.

0:48:070:48:12

The exhaust manifold is cracked

0:48:120:48:15

-and the head's cooked.

-You've killed it.

0:48:150:48:19

Luckily for Jeremy, our next experiment didn't involve any movement.

0:48:190:48:25

Over time, the roof on a convertible will get baggy and start to leak.

0:48:250:48:30

To see which of our cars leaks the most,

0:48:300:48:33

we've devised an ingenious test.

0:48:330:48:36

James is sitting in his car holding his breath, because his car is full of gas.

0:48:370:48:43

Now if the car leaks, the gas will escape, and when he needs to take a breath, he'll be fine.

0:48:430:48:48

If it doesn't leak, the gas won't escape and when he needs to take a breath, he'll be in trouble.

0:48:480:48:53

So is it cyanide we're using?

0:48:530:48:55

-No, helium.

-Helium?

0:48:550:48:57

-Yeah.

-Pure helium?

-Yes.

0:48:570:48:58

-That'll kill him.

-Yes.

0:48:580:49:00

-JAMES EXHALES

-Here we go.

0:49:000:49:02

-He's breathing.

-That's it, come on.

0:49:020:49:05

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Whose idea was this test? Bloody stupid idea.

0:49:050:49:08

OTHERS LAUGH It's a very good idea.

0:49:080:49:10

We've learned about your car.

0:49:100:49:11

You sound like Donald Duck because your car has done well.

0:49:110:49:16

Given the contents of his car, Hammond quite enjoyed holding his breath.

0:49:160:49:21

HE EXHALES

0:49:210:49:23

NORMAL PITCH: Ah, you see mine's had a new... Oh!

0:49:260:49:28

OTHERS LAUGH

0:49:280:49:30

Not a new roof fitted very well.

0:49:300:49:33

-You thought you'd have a squeaky voice!

-I was expecting a full Smurf and it's not worked.

0:49:330:49:39

Finally it was Jeremy's turn.

0:49:410:49:44

-He's going to have to breathe. He's done it.

-Right.

0:49:440:49:48

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-I just have to say that's stupid.

0:49:480:49:50

It's just a test of how big your lungs are.

0:49:500:49:53

After this we got Jeremy's car going

0:49:530:49:56

and went to see a group of BMW specialists.

0:49:560:50:01

Their job was to calculate the cost

0:50:010:50:03

of returning each of our cars to showroom condition.

0:50:030:50:07

These cars come from a time when people fitted after-market stereos.

0:50:110:50:15

Let me talk you through this one.

0:50:150:50:17

Here's the radio.

0:50:170:50:19

-STATIC

-That's Radio 1, Radio 2,

0:50:190:50:23

-Radio 3, Radio 4...

-STATIC CONTINUES

0:50:230:50:27

..Radio 5.

0:50:270:50:30

STATIC CONTINUES

0:50:300:50:32

Don't know what that is.

0:50:320:50:33

Eventually the experts had finished their assessments.

0:50:330:50:37

-Who has the results for Richard Hammond's sewage farm?

-I do.

0:50:370:50:41

£7,500.

0:50:410:50:43

7,500 to put that into showroom condition?

0:50:430:50:46

Sir, you have the results for James' car.

0:50:460:50:49

-Around 5,500.

-So £2,000 less.

-Well done.

0:50:490:50:53

-Did you just say well done?

-I did.

0:50:530:50:55

You're a girl. How much would mine cost to put into show?

0:50:550:51:00

Well, how many pence?

0:51:000:51:01

-HE CLEARS THROAT

-Er...11,000.

0:51:010:51:03

-That's pounds, not pence.

-OTHERS LAUGH

0:51:030:51:05

-What a pile of junk!

-Why is it £11,000?

0:51:050:51:08

What possible reason is there for that?

0:51:080:51:12

-Oh.

-Oh, there's a few reasons.

0:51:120:51:14

Oh, it's blown away.

0:51:140:51:16

Since none of our cars were really roadworthy, we decided at this point

0:51:170:51:22

that the best thing we could do with them was form a stunt driving team.

0:51:220:51:28

We began by watching the experts.

0:51:280:51:31

How do they memorise the moves?

0:51:380:51:40

That was a J-turn.

0:51:440:51:46

I can do all the moves individually, I think.

0:51:460:51:49

'It all looked terribly complicated and that was a worry,

0:51:550:51:59

'because the next day, we would be performing in front of a live audience.'

0:51:590:52:03

Wow. That's quite good.

0:52:070:52:11

We're going to need to work on that.

0:52:110:52:13

'We began by planning our moves on a blackboard.'

0:52:130:52:18

That's the nose of the car that way, pointing that way. That's James.

0:52:180:52:22

Over here, right, that's Jeremy.

0:52:220:52:27

Then here...

0:52:270:52:28

-Those cars both have J on.

-They both have J.

-So it could be...

-Oh.

0:52:310:52:35

'James took over.'

0:52:350:52:37

We have a numbering system, so you go first. I cross behind you...

0:52:370:52:40

Everything goes through that point, the point of the performance...

0:52:400:52:44

'But his plans were a bit confusing.'

0:52:440:52:46

Sorry, I'm lost.

0:52:480:52:49

Which is my dotted line now?

0:52:490:52:51

-That one.

-No, you were this one.

-Yeah, it is that one.

0:52:510:52:55

'Nevertheless, we wet the track to make it more slippery

0:52:550:52:59

'and got to work.'

0:52:590:53:01

Right, here we go.

0:53:010:53:02

'Initially, things didn't go well.'

0:53:070:53:10

This is just a lot of driving about.

0:53:100:53:12

-Why have you gone over there?

-Sorry.

0:53:150:53:20

'Then, thanks to my awful brakes, they got worse.'

0:53:200:53:23

-I'm not stopping, I'm not stopping!

-MUFFLED THUMP

0:53:230:53:26

Oh, damn it.

0:53:260:53:27

'Despite everything, though, the next day we were ready to perform

0:53:290:53:32

'at one of the most prestigious venues in the country...'

0:53:320:53:36

In the wild, birds of prey...

0:53:380:53:40

'..The Essex County Fair.

0:53:400:53:42

'Our cars had been given a new lick of paint,

0:53:450:53:48

'and as zero hour approached,

0:53:480:53:50

'we were in our motor home rehearsing our moves.'

0:53:500:53:53

-Go.

-Right, so...

0:53:530:53:55

-Turn, Turn, through.

-And I'm here.

0:53:550:53:57

-Handbrake.

-Back forwards.

0:53:570:54:00

-Face the other way by then.

-Through the gap. Round you.

-Handbrake.

0:54:000:54:03

-OK, ready? And then now...

-Cross, I go first.

0:54:030:54:06

Over there.

0:54:060:54:08

-It's going to be magnificent.

-Right, let's do it.

0:54:090:54:12

-We're a bit like the Red Arrows.

-Pretty much. It's quite an exciting moment.

0:54:150:54:19

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing from TV's Top Gear, The Dukes Of Harlow stunt driving team.

0:54:220:54:27

'The capacity crowd was beside itself.

0:54:270:54:33

'As the music signalled the start of our routine, we entered the arena.'

0:54:330:54:37

MUSIC: "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen

0:54:370:54:40

We'd better deliver. Suddenly feel this is quite a responsibility.

0:54:400:54:44

Right, left, down...

0:54:460:54:48

left, straight up.

0:54:480:54:51

Must remember that crossover.

0:54:510:54:53

Ready, steady, go.

0:54:560:54:59

And turn, turn.

0:55:020:55:03

Oh!

0:55:060:55:07

Now, it is a shame we can't show you the rest of that film,

0:55:130:55:17

-but we lost the tapes.

-Yes!

-Can you believe it?

-LAUGHTER

0:55:170:55:20

-You left them on a bus. And then the dog ate them.

-Yeah. Dog ate them.

-It is a rotten...

0:55:200:55:26

It is a massive shame, because the rest of our routine was brilliant.

0:55:260:55:30

It's just a tragedy you can't see it. I do apologise.

0:55:300:55:33

Never mind, it does at least give us time to knock up a scoreboard and see who bought the best car. Jeremy?

0:55:330:55:39

Yes. In the 0 to 100 and then 0 again test,

0:55:390:55:43

James set the benchmark, so he gets zero.

0:55:430:55:45

I got minus 281 and, Hammond, you got minus 1,000.

0:55:450:55:49

-I didn't even take part.

-That's why you get minus 1,000.

0:55:490:55:53

Now, forensics, you get ten points off for every disgusting thing that was found in your car.

0:55:530:55:58

Mine was crisps, leaves and bits of my own skin, so that's not really disgusting at all, so 0.

0:55:580:56:04

James, you were mucus, scabs and saliva.

0:56:040:56:08

You're minus 30.

0:56:080:56:11

Hammond, you, let's get this straight, you were saliva, blood...

0:56:110:56:14

-But there was no mucus in mine!

-No mucus, but there was pubic hair...

0:56:140:56:18

-Yeah, yeah.

-..so minus 30 and then poo.

0:56:180:56:20

-Yeah.

-That's 1,000...

0:56:200:56:22

-Why do I get minus 1,000 for poo?

-Because poo's really disgusting!

0:56:220:56:27

Of course you're going to get minus 1,000 for that.

0:56:270:56:30

-We don't make the rules. The thief test. Jeremy...

-JEREMY MOUTHS:

-We do!

0:56:300:56:35

-Your car wasn't stolen so you get 0.

-Yeah.

0:56:350:56:38

My car wasn't, so I get 0.

0:56:380:56:40

-Hammond, your car was stolen.

-Yes?

-And you get minus 1,000.

0:56:400:56:44

Do I? LAUGHTER

0:56:440:56:46

-How do you get to that?

-It just is, it's scientific, this. Lap times.

0:56:460:56:50

You didn't get minus 1,000 for that.

0:56:500:56:52

They're there. The gas test.

0:56:520:56:55

Let's get this straight. No gas escaped from my car so I get 0.

0:56:550:56:59

No gas escaped from your car, James, so that's nought.

0:56:590:57:03

All of the gas escaped from yours so that's minus...

0:57:030:57:05

-Let me guess.

-Yes, you're right, it's minus 1,000.

-Is it?

0:57:050:57:09

-Is it really?

-Yes, it is.

-The restoration test, here you lose a point

0:57:090:57:14

for every pound it would take to get your car back to showroom condition.

0:57:140:57:18

Now, I, as you would expect, did best at this,

0:57:180:57:21

so I'm minus 5,500 points.

0:57:210:57:25

It's like being on QI, this.

0:57:250:57:27

Hammond, you are minus 7,500 points.

0:57:270:57:31

-And Jeremy Clarkson...

-Mmm-hmm.

0:57:310:57:34

..you are minus 11,000.

0:57:340:57:37

Ah! I might beat... Well, not him, but you, anyway.

0:57:370:57:41

-What have you got, James?

-I've won, obviously.

-That's a given.

0:57:410:57:45

You are...

0:57:450:57:47

minus 11,293.1.

0:57:470:57:49

-Minus 11,293.1.

-Yes.

0:57:540:57:58

-So, Hammond, this is tense.

-Minus 11,000...

0:57:580:58:01

-Still hope, though. I can still do it.

-Oooh!

0:58:010:58:04

-549...

-Yes!

0:58:040:58:06

APPLAUSE

0:58:060:58:07

I mean, well done, James.

0:58:080:58:10

But, really, two conclusions we can draw from this.

0:58:100:58:15

One, all identical cars aren't necessarily identical.

0:58:150:58:20

Some of them do have pubic hairs in them and poo.

0:58:200:58:22

And two, Richard Hammond, who buys more used cars than any man alive,

0:58:220:58:28

is useless at buying used cars.

0:58:280:58:30

-I am.

-On that bombshell, it's time to end.

0:58:300:58:33

See you next week. Take care. Good night.

0:58:330:58:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:58:350:58:37

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:58:540:58:57

E-mail [email protected]

0:58:570:59:00

Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May set out to buy second-hand convertibles and discover some of the unusual pitfalls to watch out for when picking up a used car bargain.

Jeremy is on the test track in the powerful Pagani Zonda R, whilst Simon Pegg is the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.


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