Episode 5 Top Gear

Tonight, Richard wears a blue hat,

James wears a different hat

and I wear a hat with things on it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello. Thank you.

Now...

Now, as you may remember,

before Christmas there was a bit of snow.

Everything stopped, we all ran about waving our arms in the air, saying,

"Why in this country do we not have more snow ploughs

"and more gritting machines?"

The main problem of course, is cost, especially at the moment,

because councils everywhere are laying people off,

and they can't very well make a whole department redundant

and then spend the £90,000 they've saved on a snow plough.

No, especially if the snow plough will just be sitting around.

-It might not be needed for, what, five years?

-Exactly.

So, what is to be done?

Well, this is a combine harvester.

And it works 24 hours a day through August,

but then sits idly in a shed for the rest of the year.

So how hard would it be to turn this in winter into a snow plough?

To find out, we bought an old model of this very combine, in fact,

and set about making the necessary modifications

at Top Gear's top-secret winter testing facility in Nottinghamshire.

On the B6011, just north of Bestwood, St Albans.

This is the result of our endeavours.

Straight away, you can see we've removed the rotating, cutting,

harvesty blade thing off the front

and replaced it with this snow blade.

It's V-shaped, because that makes it more easy to cut through the snow.

And this should be able to move through snow up to three feet deep,

no problem.

Power comes from a V8 diesel engine

which drives these chunky front wheels.

In the snow, as any BMW driver will tell you,

front-wheel drive is a lot better than rear wheel drive.

And the combine, when you think about it,

it's as if it was designed with snow clearance in mind.

It's uncanny. Everything about it, the ground clearance,

knobbly tyres, front-wheel drive, the weight of it. It's all there.

It's one of those times on Top Gear when you look and think, actually, actually...

-We've accidentally been a bit clever.

-This might work.

Since the Dominator has a top speed of just 12mph,

it was easy to decide which one of us would be the driver.

What happens if I put it on full?

ENGINE ROARS

BLEEP

I don't like that.

Give it the beans!

Faster!

Hang on, it's not like a rally car.

-He's going the wrong way.

-See, rear wheel steering, look.

It's not very sensitive steering.

Oh, BLEEP.

Oh, BLEEP.

There is, of course, one tiny drawback to the combine as a snow plough.

-Because it was designed to work in August, it has no heater.

-No.

Which is why there's a drum in there, you can probably

see through the window, and that's, well, it's an urn.

We put that in there,

full of... Well, we wanted tea.

But James said "I want Bovril".

Because he's in 1950.

We all know that when it's snowing and it's cold, you have Bovril.

That's a rule of life.

He likes to paint himself all over in it, it's like baby oil to him.

-That's what he does.

-Bovril!

Him and his lorry driver friends,

all Bovrilled up, and then they slip about.

That's what they do!

Urgh!

Besides attaching a plough on the front,

we'd also converted the tube that normally shoots out

the harvested wheat into a makeshift gritter.

I shall be responsible for shovelling the grit from here into this hopper.

I should be good at this, cos my first job was, in fact, shovelling grit into a water filtration plant.

Go on then, shovel. Make shovelling.

And while he's doing that, I shall explain my role.

I can use this lever here

to swing the arm to direct the flow of grit either on to the pavement

or onto the road behind.

Yes, look at this!

Initiating gritting.

Red.

-Yes!

-And there was grit!

Ha ha! We've made a gritting machine!

But there was one more check we wanted to do.

You know when you're following a gritting lorry, there's that ticka-ticka-ticka,

and you think, "No, it's turning my car into a DeLorean!"

Exactly. So to make sure this isn't too powerful, we've got Hammond in a car, who's going to come in here.

We're going to do an experiment, fire the gritter at it,

make sure it doesn't actually take the paint off.

-It'll be all right sideways, won't it?

-Yeah, yeah.

OK James, engage.

Initiating gritting.

Oh, God! Stop it, James, there's been a problem! Make it stop!

Gritting ceased.

Apart from the fact the grit would kill the occupants

of any car it hit, we felt that the Dominator was ready to start work.

But there was a problem.

It's not going to snow, is it?

With crossed fingers, we tuned in to the weather forecast.

-Shh.

-RADIO:

-We'll see a change in our weather this week. Temperatures starting to climb,

things heading milder. We've had a fair bit of cloud around already.

The good news is there's absolutely no sign of the cold air

returning in the near future. It's a very mild outlook.

-The reason we've got all this warm air, it's pumping up from the tropics.

-What does he know?

He doesn't have to rub it in, does he? He sounds all gleeful about it.

So, if the snow wouldn't come to the Dominator, we would take the Dominator to the snow.

Here in Norway, we decided to clear the snow from a frozen lake to make a runway.

And then a Nor would land his plane on it.

-This is quite snowy.

-It must have snowed.

We knew the ice would be thick enough for a light aircraft,

but what about our heavy snowbine?

-Oh.

-Ooh!

I thought you'd be drilling for hours! That was ten seconds!

-Don't move, don't move!

-Seriously, has that gone through?

-Yes.

Norwegians actually have a chart

to say...

how much weight you can put on various thicknesses of ice.

-So how thick is it?

-45 centimetres.

-Well, say 50...

-No, let's say 40.

It's 45.

So, 50 centimetres of ice, 12 tonnes.

Combine's more than that.

-13 tonnes.

-13 tonnes.

-So, we can't do it?

Well, it is only a tonne over.

Bravely, Hammond and the optimistic Jeremy decided not to be on board,

as I gingerly drove the snowbine out of the woods...

Bloody big this thing.

..towards the ice.

Three yards to the lake.

This is it.

CREAKING

I don't like that noise.

Eventually though, I made it.

Did I or did I not say we'd be all right?

-Yeah, was that or was that not based entirely on guesswork anyway?

-Yes.

But as my guesswork was correct, we set to work.

We're ploughing.

We're ploughing, chaps, look at this!

Yah. Here we go!

The snowbinester, it works!

Yeah! Come on!

-Come o-o-o-o-on!

-Yah, yah!

This is... Ooh!

-I think we've just gone through it.

-Ho-ho! Yeah, we have.

It's not an emergency, it's just time to empty your bowels.

Sinking. Sinking.

-Bravely, Jeremy dismounted...

-James, back it up.

..and started issuing orders.

That is sinking badly.

Put your blade down, James.

That's just gone through again.

When the combine finally moved, we could see the scale

of the peril.

Oh-oh-oh!

-That's 300 metres deep.

-It's just...

It's just water.

However, unlike the snowplough people at Heathrow Airport, we decided not to just give up.

Do you know how many flights were cancelled in Heathrow last year

because of the weather?

3,700.

Do you know how many flights were cancelled in Oslo because of the weather?

-2,000?

-Two. Two.

-Heathrow, 3,700.

-Cos we had one bit of snow?

And as we were proving, all that misery was completely unnecessary.

There really is no excuse.

Heathrow, BAA, if you're watching this, you're pathetic.

And if anybody in a meeting says "Oh, well, the reason why it was shut is... ", sack him.

There is no reason why it was shut because it isn't difficult to clear a runway.

It just isn't.

My rant was interrupted at this point by news from below decks.

BUBBLING Bovril's...

The Bovril's boiling over.

And up top, Hammond was still fretting about the ice.

Urgh!

Oh, my God, that's another crack there. Look!

Yep. Big one.

When we go through, it's going to be worse for him.

Oh, God, yes, because he will be pawing at the glass, desperate.

Right now though, he was pawing at the steering wheel.

James! James, go right, you idiot!

Stay right, it's a straight line we're looking for!

Yeah, I think this will be a tricky landing, actually, James.

We got into a tank slapper.

Look where we're pointing.

James, the trees indicate land.

Eventually, though, James mastered the rear wheel steering.

I'm waiting to look behind us and see a runway,

complete with lights and everything.

That isn't happening, but it's not bad, look.

And pretty soon, the runway was finished.

So we pulled over and radioed the pilot,

giving him permission to land.

It's not the smoothest runway.

No, but there's less snow on it than there was.

It is smooth enough, isn't it? Well, we're about to find out.

Here he comes.

-Look at that.

-Job done.

Ladies and gentlemen...

-WE did that.

-WE did that.

-RICHARD LAUGHS JUBILANTLY How about that?

Sadly, though, our celebrations were premature.

-Oh, my God.

-Yeah, that is quite bumpy.

-He's crashed.

-He has pretty much crashed there.

At a time like this, there's only one thing a man can do.

Right, quick, go.

Just get in and go!

Right, James, run!

APPLAUSE

That was embarrassing.

-That was deeply embarrassing.

-It is a bit.

Look, I know we're often accused of faking things on this programme,

but trust me, you can't actually fake a plane crash.

No. I think it's safe to say

that we won't be getting a Christmas tree for Trafalgar Square this year.

We'll be picking that film up later on.

We want to explain, it isn't just a massive cocking around.

Because we really do believe that we were on to something with that snowbine

because if you think about it, if it works,

farmers can rent out equipment

that would normally be sitting idle,

councils don't have to maintain a fleet, which saves them a fortune,

and we get our roads open.

So we really do think it's worth persevering with.

Anyway, now we are going to do the news.

I'll begin by talking about Nissan.

They've announced they're making a new electric sports car

which they're going to exhibit at the Geneva Motor Show, which is soon.

That's a picture of it.

And they've sent us lots of details about this car.

Interestingly and unusually,

they've also sent us a description of the sort of person who'll buy it.

An actual biography. And I'm quoting now from Nissan themselves.

They say the driver, OK, "Daniel..."

So this guy doesn't exist, they've made him up?

Yeah. Well, they say "Daniel, an Esflow owner, works in tech but lives for the weekend.

"On Friday night after work, he gets behind the wheels of his Esflow,

"which instantly links with his pocket PDA..."

He sounds like a bit of a prat.

-He does, doesn't he?

-Anyway, OK, "..it determines the fastest route to his girlfriend's home.

"On Sunday, he drives through the mountains for leisure." Moooo!

On his milk float. Anyway...

And then he gets home eventually,

and it's all charged up, and he lives in Barcelona.

Hang on a minute, he's called Daniel?

Could he be the Daniel from the Elton John song?

Yes, that's who he was writing about.

Hang on...

# Daniel is travelling tonight in his stupid electric sports car

-No, it wasn't.

-# I can see the red tail lights...#

You wouldn't be able to. Battery-powered. They'll have gone flat.

# Daniel's girlfriend is bouncing around on a man with an Aston v8... #

I've just had a thought, Hammond. What is James' middle name?

It's Daniel.

-Yes, it is.

-Anyway, that's enough Daniel.

Bentley have announced that in the next James Bond book,

007 will be driving a Bentley Continental.

-There you go.

-What? Is that the next James Bond? Look at him!

-He looks like an accountant.

-GEEKY VOICE:

-The name's Bond. Hello, I'm licensed to kill.

What is the book called? On Her Majesty's Customs and Excise?

Moon-ledger.

Live and Let File.

-I should just point out that that man is the author of the book, not the new Bond.

-Ah.

-Sorry.

I don't know why you'd want a modern Bentley.

I drove one in Albania recently. It was terrible.

-I was killed in it.

-You were! So it wasn't all bad. It under-steered a lot.

-You know Infiniti?

-What, when James explains how something works

and infinity just stretches out in front of you for ever?

No, not endless time and space. Infiniti, the Japanese car maker.

-Oh, yeah.

-Datsuns with a bit of velvet in them, basically.

A bit like Lexus is to Toyota. Well, at the Geneva Motor Show, which is soon,

they've announced they're going to show off a new direction they're going in.

And this is the car they'll be showing. It's a Concept.

I just think it looks like an ordinary car that's melted,

but what I'm worried about with this is they've called it the Urethra.

Are you sure?

It's not actually spelt urethra, but it looks like it's pronounced urethra.

Now, isn't the urethra the bit in your old chap?

Isn't it the tube that connects your kidney to your bladder,

where the wee goes to get from your kidney to your bladder?

You just keep saying yes!

How come you're an expert? You look like a scaffolder!

Are you actually a wee wee doctor?

You are? What are you really?

-I'm a car salesman.

-You're a car salesman.

Anyway, so if you want a melted car named after a tube with urine in it,

that's the car for you.

Now, Ferrari, OK.

This year's F1 car, they said, is going to be called the F150.

OK, that was the name of it. But then they got a call from Ford's lawyers,

saying, "No, you can't do that because we own the name F150 and that will cause confusion."

Let's look at the Ferrari. This is the F150, this year's F1 car.

Now let's have a look at Ford's F150.

It's easy to see how the confusion could arise between the two,

if you look at them together.

What would be worse than getting pole position, on the grid, thinking, "Right, my big race...

"Why is there a man in a cowboy hat sitting next to me? Oh, no, I'm in a pickup truck!"

Ferrari actually say, and I'm quoting now,

"It's difficult to understand Ford's viewpoint on this matter."

I'm sort of with them.

Anyway, they've changed the name. The Ferrari F1 car

is now called the Ferrari F-Henry Ford Is A Massive Peach.

Two things with the same name don't necessarily have to be confused.

Like Hammond can mean a massive organ, or it can... Oh, yeah.

Anybody here play golf?

You do? OK, I've got some news about personalised number plates.

I know you love that sort of thing in the world of golf.

We've got the new 11 plates coming out very soon. You know, the numbers will be 11.

Obviously, that's a wealth of possibilities for writing amusing words on your number plate.

Bulldog, Holland, gallops and so on.

Anyway, the DVLA, which is a big building in Wales,

they're now selling these numbers for between £3,000 and £10,000.

To be fair, it's between £3,000 and £10,000

plus the fine you get for interfering with the letters and numbers on your number plate.

True. We're the only country whose government says,

"If you move the letters and numbers around to make this word, you can buy this from us,"

and then they fine you for moving them around. A bit weird.

Some of the words have been banned for being offensive or sinister.

Words like psycho and vulgar.

But they have allowed ballbag.

They have?

No, they haven't. They HAVEN'T allowed ballbag.

They haven't allowed ballbag, but they have allowed melons.

Isn't that sexist? Don't you think that's sexist?

-It's sexist to me.

-It's also not fair, because what if you were the wholesaler

of giant hold-alls for transporting footballs in large volumes

to school playing fields? You might want ballbag.

It's won't be bought by... Well, they're not doing it, but it wouldn't be bought

by a sporting wholesaler, just like melons wouldn't be bought by a greengrocer.

-It would end up on Jordan's pink horsebox.

-What?

-Horsebox.

-Oh.

-What did you think I said?

That. That's what I thought you said.

Now, one of the things we've learned over the years on this show,

is that if you want a small, fast saloon car,

you have to buy a BMW M3.

I mean, you can go off, if you want, and buy a fast Mercedes

or a fast Audi,

but that's like going out and buying a Playstation war game that isn't Call of Duty.

The M3 is the best, and that's an end of it.

Now, however, BMW claim they've made it even better.

Firstly, it's fitted with a device that cuts the engine

when you stop at a set of lights, and then starts it again when you set off.

All on its own, this will solve global warming.

So that's good.

Next, it's available with a matt finish, which is as cool

as buying some skinny jeans, and then making an app about them.

There are some drawbacks to this, though.

First of all, it costs £1,755,

and I think that's a lot for a bit of paint.

Plus, you can't take it in a car wash, you can't polish it,

and you must remove tree sap, dead insects and bird droppings immediately or you'll ruin it.

So really, you're paying 1,700 quid for some inconvenience.

The biggest new feature is what BMW call the Competition Pack.

This will cost you £3,300.

For that, you get bigger wheels and tyres, a lowered ride height

and one or two software tweaks designed to keep you pointing in vaguely the right direction.

Or if the mood takes you, completely the wrong direction.

Woo-hoo, ha ha!

This is very good!

I'd love to say at this point that the Competition Pack has transformed

the M3 into a mesmerising blend of God and Uma Thurman.

But it hasn't.

Truth be told, most of the time it makes absolutely no difference at all.

In a straight line, it's no faster than the standard car.

And around the bends, it feels exactly the same.

Except, of course, when you eventually spin,

it'll assume you've arrived at a set of lights and cut the engine.

Why have you done that?!

Nobody arrives at traffic lights backwards in a cloud of tyre smoke!

Stupid thing!

However, with the Competition Pack,

you do get one feature that you WILL notice.

If you push this little button here, twice, you engage sport mode.

It doesn't make any difference

to the speed you go, but it does make the car very uncomfortable.

I know, for example, this runway is very smooth.

But now, it feels like I'm driving over a teenager's face.

So there we are. The Competition Pack.

You spend £58,000 and what you get in exchange is a normal £55,000 M3,

with a little button that makes it worse.

So what about this? The new Audi RS5.

This is also £58,000, but it does come with many bells and a fleet of whistles.

It has four-wheel drive, a new mechanical centre differential

and an electronic gizmo that splits the torque between the rear wheels.

Sounds juicy! And that is before we get to the engine.

A Lamborghini-derived 4.2 litre V8.

Audi has even gone to the trouble of fitting the engine with a device

that fires a droplet of petrol into the hot exhaust every time you change gear.

So, ready?

-RUMBLING

-Oh!

They are using the planet's resources to make changing gear sound nice.

I like that.

But can it beat the BMW?

Let's find out.

He has 414 brake horsepower, I have 30 more.

So I am expecting to just cruise by.

But the Audi is heavier, and despite the high-tech four-wheel drive,

it is nowhere near as good on the corners.

Come on!

I will get him on the next one.

Oh, dear.

No matter, I will get him on the braking...

I won't get him on the braking.

Woah... Understeer!

This is weird, because in all fast Audis that I can remember,

the engine has always been way out in front of the front axle, sticking out like Bruce Forsyth's chin.

In this, they have moved the axle forwards.

The idea being that that would kill the understeer that has always plagued Audis.

Honestly, it really hasn't worked.

Come on! Turn!

The only hope you have of getting past is that, eventually, the BMW driver will have to pull over

to wipe an insect off the bonnet.

I thought the RS5 would be a modern day version of the original Quattro.

A hardcore, fire-spitting monster.

A machine born in the forests.

Rough, brutal, exciting.

But it isn't. It is comfortable and relaxing and quiet.

I am sorry, but if that is what you want, why spend £58,000

on a four-wheel drive V8 with an air brake?

In short, then, neither of these cars really works.

As a result, we are back where we started.

If you want a small, fast saloon,

buy a standard M3.

APPLAUSE.

Hang on!

What's to applaud?

Let's work this out, shall we?

A couple of weeks ago you reviewed three cars that no-one can buy.

-Yes.

-And you have just reviewed two cars that no-one will want to buy.

-Yes, I have.

-Thank you.

But listen. I have another problem with the Audi, apart from the ones we have already seen.

You know Audi sponsor Manchester United?

How many people here support Manchester United? Hands up.

SPORADIC BOOING

It is a few, so they think, "Yes, we like Audis."

Now, how many people here hope that Manchester United, the entire team,

catches gonorrhoea and is unable to play ever again?

CHEERING

That is the problem with a car firm when it sponsors a football team.

It automatically means the vast majority of people,

my son included, hates Audis!

-If anyone doesn't support that team...?

-Exactly!

I do not want to think that if I bought an Audi, any of my money, even a tiny bit, is going to Wayne Rooney.

Or Sir Ferguson. With his chewing gum.

Anyway, it is now time to find out how fast these cars go around our track.

That, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver.

Some say that in his wallet he keeps a photograph of his wallet.

LAUGHTER

And that in a recent race, even he was beaten by The King's Speech.

All we know is, he's called The Stig.

And they're off!

The track is moist and that should favour the four-wheel drive Audi.

Let's see as they come up to the first corner.

Audi is OK there.

What about the BMW?

No, it is getting a bit out of shape. A bit squiggly, there.

# Tequila! It makes me happy! #

I have no idea why he is listening to that.

There we are, the RS5's front end washing out.

The BMW still tail-happy.

The Hammerhead. Will the Audi follow its nose like a truffle pig?

It seems to be doing all right.

The tyres squealing, though, with that precise Germanic pain.

BMW drifting like a matt-painted lunatic.

# Tequila! It makes me happy! #

The V8 powering into the follow-through.

The Audi has got its dander up now, through the tyres.

Not much in it so far. Two corners left.

Here they come now, they're braking, the RS5 looking a bit squirrelly.

The brakes are not that great on the track.

They're both slithering through Gambon, and across the line.

APPLAUSE

So the Audi RS5 did it in 127.5, so that's there, the moist symbol.

The Competition Pack, although it doesn't have four-wheel drive

and the track was a bit wet, 126.5, so that goes there. Way faster.

Yeah, but hang on, where is normal M3?

-There, so it is not as fast.

-As the normal M3, no.

This is the best car. And always will be and there is no point ever thinking otherwise.

Now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.

My guest tonight appears in a new film alongside Nicolas Cage,

one of those films where everything explodes, there is a car chase and it is all in 3D.

But she did cause a bit of a row in the office.

You see, the producer said, "You can't have her on because nobody has ever heard of her."

I said, "Yes, that is true, but she is bisexual.

"Plus, she likes guns and muscle cars."

And I won. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Amber Heard!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

If Carlsberg... They don't do guests for chat shows, but if they did...

That's pretty close to perfect.

-Where do we begin?

-I hear that is a good sign.

It is a good sign. I am trying to think of anybody I would rather be sitting and talking to now.

No, can't think of anybody!

The films you have been in previously haven't allowed you

to indulge this passion for guns and muscle cars, I guess.

Pineapple Express, Zombieland, and what was that one where you were naked pretty much throughout?

-The Informers.

-The Informers. I've watched that a lot!

-I think that's why people watch it at all, to be honest!

-I'm watching it now.

Come back to me. Come back to me.

But the new movie, Drive Angry in 3D. Nicolas Cage.

This is obviously written with you in mind.

-I lo... This movie is so

-BLEEP

-cool.

It is just... LAUGHTER

It is. It's loud guns, fast cars and short shorts.

On me, not Nicolas Cage.

So, muscle cars. Where does this love come from?

Well, I'm from Texas and I think that had something to do with it.

It helps being from the South, where people are obsessed with their cars.

-Have you actually got one?

-Yes, I drive a '68 Mustang in LA.

That's my car. AUDIENCE: Ooh!

You've just grown a third leg!

He has!

-'68 Mustang.

-Oh, no!

Has it always been muscle cars or did you go through a period of a Rabbit or whatever?

Yeah, I mean, I've had everything...

-LAUGHTER

-It's a Golf, you stupid idiot!

Has it always been a love of old, American big V8s?

No, I've had a '67 Mercedes, '62 Checker.

-The cab?

-Yeah.

-So the Mustang, is that in Los Angeles?

-Yes, that's my baby.

-And what colour is it?

It was cherry red until the last time it got stolen. It gets stolen a lot.

Why does it get stolen so much? I would have thought

it was fairly easy to find someone driving a '68 Mustang.

Apparently burglars, or whatever you would call them, car thieves?

-Bastards is another one!

-Bastards. I like how you say it, "Bastards".

Anyway, apparently it's just easy to find for all sorts of people.

Most people who come here and talk about cars, who live in California, have gone out and bought...

-A Prius.

-Exactly. A Prius. Why haven't you gone down that route?

I don't blame people for buying a Prius...

-I think that's great, it's smart, whatever. You have a Prius?

-No, I do not have a Prius!

LAUGHTER

I loathe them with an unbridled passion!

Cos what I always say, when people say, "I've got a Prius because I really care,

"I live in a yurt and I care about the environment, my shirt is made from leaves..."

My shirt is made from leaves.

-Is it?

-No!

It's just the Prius, the nickel for the batteries in that thing is mined in Canada,

and then it's put on a ship and taken to Norway and made into the batteries and then it goes to Japan.

The damn thing has done 2.5 million miles before you ever buy it in California.

So I'd just ram into them in your Mustang, if I were you.

I have done that, actually, in a Checker.

-You hit a Prius?

-No, I've rammed into a couple of them.

Not just one!

I'd just have got out and laughed if I hit a Prius.

-Yeah, I need that!

-We've done cars. Now we'll move on to guns.

You are obviously from Texas, it's part of the culture there, I guess.

-You grew up with them.

-I grew up around guns, around gun owners and users.

My dad at any given point has several on him, it's the culture.

-I have a gun myself.

-What sort?

A .357 Magnum.

I've gone again.

Have you ever fired a machine gun?

-I have. I have, actually.

-Oh!

I like the Squad Automatic Weapon, I set fire to Arizona once with one of those,

it's full of tracer and you are just firing away.

And then, "Oh God, the desert is on fire!"

Great fun.

Sounds like you know how to party.

LAUGHTER

And on that bombshell...

Thank you for watching and goodnight!

-Obviously, you are from Texas. Austin, I believe.

-Yeah.

I went there once and went to a bar called the Broken Spoke.

-Have you been there?

-I used to square dance.

-You didn't do line dancing?

-Oh, yeah. I am from Texas, after all.

This guy that ran it, I can remember he said, "We don't have none of that fancy Peer-ee-eh water."

I think that was my dad!

So, when you went back to Texas, which is a deeply conservative neck of the woods...

-Bible belt.

-..and said, "This is my girlfriend",

how did it go down?

I think that, I have always been...

I used to go to Catholic school and got in trouble for the books I read,

written by George Orwell or Salman Rushdie...

-You read a George Orwell book in Texas?

-Yeah.

I've kind of always found myself going against the grain and I have had to confront

preconceived notions for what a girl like me should be like my whole life.

I have always been myself and done my own thing.

I'm surprised you weren't put in an electric chair for reading George Orwell. Cos he's a communist.

I carry a gun!

You came down here to do your lap wearing those shoes.

-These are my driving shoes.

-Did you actually do a lap in those?

-They wouldn't let me.

-What?

-They made me wear a helmet, too. Can you believe that?

-Made you what?

-Wear a helmet. With this hair!

-It's fluffed up nicely.

-Thank you. I have fluffers!

-The Stig...

-LAUGHTER

The Stig, OK, he was very... Please don't take this the wrong way, he is a very unusual person.

He was very disappointed when you arrived because he was expecting Thora Hird, not Amber.

I don't know who...

He has a complete crush on her. He loves her. How did you manage to get on with our Kia Cee'd?

It did OK on the track. Don't know if it would be my everyday car.

Shall we find out? Who would like to see Amber's lap?

Yes!

Here we go.

-There's no wheel spin.

-I was trying.

-Come on!

-What are you wearing on your hands?

-Gloves.

-What, driving gloves?

Wow, that's how you go through there!

Not all the road, but not bad.

Look at those gloves!

-Are you actually a murderer, part-time?

-Yes!

They do look like strangler's gloves to me.

This feels very illegal. Like it should be illegal.

No, no, no. You can drive as fast as you like in Britain, you're OK.

The yellow boxes record it for you. They send you a note of praise.

That's not bad, a bit of understeer, not your fault.

-And then...

-This does not have quite the same intensity when you watch it back.

-No, you're right.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Open your eyes! Keep your eyes open, look where you're going on that corner.

-That looks pretty quick, actually.

-BLEEP.

That is quite uncomfortable when you do that. Right, coming up, second to last corner.

This is where most people get it wrong.

I think you're on the wrong side of the road.

There we are, into Gambon, where Tom Cruise damn nearly rolled it over.

And there we are, across the line!

APPLAUSE

-Where do you reckon you have come?

-I have no idea.

-Well, Tom Cruise is 144.2.

-That show-off!

It was a bit showy-offy. Cameron Diaz, who you probably also know, is 145.2.

-Oh, really?

-Anyway, you did it...

..in one minute...

-50.3.

-Oh!

-Which means that's the slowest dry lap we have ever had!

-Oh, no!

It is a record of sorts!

The most important thing is that we now know you are a beautiful,

well-read, intelligent, well-travelled, bisexual gun and muscle car enthusiast.

Ladies and gentlemen, you really have struck lucky this week. Amber Heard!

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Right. Now. This evening we are solving Britain's financial crisis

by turning a combine harvester into a snow plough.

Earlier on in Norway, we used it to make a runway on a frozen lake.

If we are honest, things did not go entirely to plan.

No. The aeroplane that we landed sort of crashed a bit, but never mind that.

We pick up the action later that same evening, heading for a nearby town where Jeremy was

very keen to try out a de-icing attachment he had fitted.

I am the God of hellfire

and I bring you fire!

-Yes!

-Crikey.

'As we entered the town, we all went to action stations.'

-I'm turning the Bovril on.

-We need more revs.

We've got grit! Hammond, you've got good grit!

'Unfortunately, the communications were a bit ropey.'

Stop! Stop, we've hit the building!

Fans are on, going forwards.

No, stop! Stop, stop, stop!

James, James, stop!

No, drive. Don't stop. Drive! Drive!

-Just drive away.

-He did it! He did it!

'Annoyingly, it was a dead end, so James had to do

'a three-point turn, which he's not that good at in a normal car.'

Stop, stop, stop!

'But if I'm honest, Jeremy and I were not much help.'

Now!

Hard left, hard left. Up to the right. To the right.

Not now, wait until the top of the slope! Not now!

-Maybe straighten up now.

-Straighten up now.

'I have also had a wee!'

Can you give me clear instructions rather than a load of hysteria? I have no idea what is going on here.

'After much palaver, we finally broke free.'

We have damaged it quite badly at the back.

And that house!

But it is OK, because we have gritted at least 30 ft of road.

'On the High Street, we had yet more success.'

I'm in a Ford Sierra Cosworth seat with a flame-thrower.

It is not possible to be happier than that.

Here we go, burning the bank!

We are gritting, we are flame-throwing, we have done a bit of ploughing.

It is all marvellous.

It's like we are International Rescue. We are Thunderbirds!

Cruising Norway, looking for people who need our services.

I have to do the three-point turn now, chaps, we're at the end.

I will provide the rear lighting.

-It's like a reversing light, this.

-Yes, kind of.

-Look.

When Jeremy fires his flame-thrower, I can see a little bit in that mirror.

Keep going backwards, James. Keep going backwards.

-No, no! Look what I have done!

-What have you done?!

-Go, go, go!

'Again, there was only one thing to do.'

Are we running away?

I have no idea what is happening.

'After much driving around and doing things, we were hungry and the tank was empty.'

Dive in here for fuel and a bag of crisps and then we will carry on.

-Woah!

-Does he realise how much the back swings out?

I am going to clear this thing of snow for them, that will make them happy.

Watch this!

Cock!

-'Why have we stopped?'

-I was trying to clear that thing

of snow but it's got a car in it.

I was going to be helpful and clear that, there was a car in it.

-A car?

-It was covered in snow. I thought it was a pile of snow.

-It is not covered in snow!

-It's not now, you moron! It was!

Why did you ram a car?

-He rammed into a car!

-I was trying to be helpful!

'There was only one thing to do.'

Go, go. Run away, run away. Run.

'So far, then, we had crashed a plane, ruined a car, burned a sign and smashed a house.

'Then, things got worse.'

Hang on, I've jammed my... My flame-thrower's jammed!

The flame-thrower is jammed.

So what are you doing?

I can see a yellow mist in the mirror.

There's a man on fire! James, Jeremy has set fire to a skier. Run away.

'Running away.'

I think if we do get reported to the police, it will not take them very long to find us.

'Still, as we weren't actually being stoned by an angry mob,

'we went to bed that night feeling quite cheerful.

'However, the next morning there was bad news.'

What does it actually say? Is it upbeat?

I don't think it is going to be upbeat, is it?

HE QUOTES IN NORWEGIAN

"An incredibly small man knocked my house..."

-Good morning.

-Morning.

We're in the paper.

Maybe it says what a good service we provided? We cleared the snow and...

No. "A man who looked like a dog crashed into one of my trees."

I don't think it's a good idea to stay here any more.

-Can I make a suggestion?

-Yes.

Since this is a sort of prototype and we're testing it, why don't we test it on a country road

where there is just snow?

No people.

No people or cars or buildings or trees or benches, let's just try and clear some snow.

'This was a good idea. So we fired up the Dominator and headed for

'a road so remote, even the Norse had abandoned it to the weather.

'A mountain pass called The Road of Terror... probably.'

If we can open this road...

-The only one...

-With this.

We'll have proven the worth of this machine, internationally.

And I think we will be forgiven for the small things we have done wrong.

The man on fire, houses, the car, the sign...

'Eventually, we arrived at the gates to a frozen hell.'

One of the problems we found yesterday was that you tend to get

snow sticking to the plough, building up, and it doesn't work as well.

So, an idea that I had is to cover the plough itself in a mixture of oil and diesel.

I'm now doing it, because it is my idea.

He is claiming it is his idea.

I happen to know he was talking to a snowplough driver in the bar last night.

Nothing is going to stick to that.

'With the preparations done, we set off.'

Come on, Dominator!

'Our destination was a desolate hamlet 10 kilometres away.'

Look at that.

Boldly ploughing where no Norwegian has ploughed so far this winter.

This is a 1980s machine, so that is a cassette player.

-Do you think James is getting lonely up there?

-He'll love it.

I bet £10 million he is fantasising about being a lone skipper of some

weather-battered trawler out in the North Sea.

A lone skipper, but with one quite attractive man in the galley!

MUSIC: "The Sun Always Shines On TV" by A-ha

'With the oiled plough scything nicely through the snow, Jeremy and I swung into action.'

# Burn, baby, burn! Disco inferno... #

Let's grit.

The gritting is going well, Hammond.

Oh...!

Aah!

JEREMY LAUGHS

Aagh! I've lost my wedding ring!

-What?

-I've lost my wedding ring!

-Has it gone in the thing?

It must have done.

That is a tricky one to explain.

'Soon, though, we had bigger things to worry about than Hammond's ring.'

-'What was that?'

-I nearly went through the windscreen.

'But a snowy hillock was no match for the Dominator.'

Take this, snow!

Charge!

Brace, brace, brace!

-Yes!

-We're through!

'However, while the battering ram was OK in this lonely place...'

Oh, no, no, no, no! Don't do it!

'..the rear-wheel steering was a nightmare.'

No, no, no. Tank slapper.

It has got a mind of its own!

'And on the hills, we had a serious power shortage.'

James, is that full-speed?

Yes, it is.

OK, that's enough. Go back, you're digging holes, don't do that!

Stuck.

If you think about it, a combine harvester is designed

to never work in the snow, or the rain, or on a hill.

It is always flat ground on lovely summer's evenings.

It is out of its comfort zone here.

'Which meant that, sadly, so was I.'

-Jesus!

-He'll want the Victoria Cross now for using a shovel.

Yeah, he will.

Will I just raise the plough and take his head off?

Yes. Oh, for God's sake!

'Each kilometre was now a gruelling challenge.'

Go! Stop!

'And my ingenious snow-measuring tactic did not go brilliantly.'

Ow! That's a lot harder there.

RICHARD LAUGHS

'But the Top Gear snowbine kept on moving.'

-Go!

-Full power!

-Look at us carving a path. Look, that's us.

-I know.

This road is open and will remain so until it snows again!

Tonight, probably. Or tomorrow.

'Warning. The Top Gear Snowbine Harvester is approaching!'

This is really annoying. For the first time in my life, I've got one

of those Tannoy things and there is absolutely nobody to talk to.

James, there is one kilometre to go!

One kilometre and this road is open.

Who fancies a celebratory Bovril when we get there?

Unless Bovril is a code word for something dirty, I don't want to do that.

Hang on, getting a bit of a tank slapper. It's wandering off!

Oh, no! Getting a tank slapper, it's flat out.

BLEEP.

'This time, we had come off the road and into a massive snowdrift.'

-Jesus wept.

-That is a lot of snow.

The snow out here that we are in is incredibly deep.

Yes, that is what I feared. It felt quite deep as it went off the edge.

You can see, the extent of the problem is quite big.

-The whole machine is...

-BLEEP.

'So one wheel was stuck and one was spinning uselessly.'

Full power!

It's not going to do it.

'Spurred on by the previous day's failures, we dug furiously.'

Just for once, I want to do something properly.

I want to clear this road and do it.

No cocking about.

This is coming out of here.

'Rock it back. Now forwards!'

That feels abusive.

I'm wearing the clutch out. Hang on, it's starting to smell.

Don't stop, James!

'With darkness falling and the temperature dropping, this was no time for mechanical sympathy.'

Come on, James. We can do this.

Oh, nearly!

Go, go, yes!

Yes! Come on! Come on!

Come on!

Yes!

-Yes! Yes!

-That's it, climb aboard.

'The Dominator surged forwards.

'Soon, our destination hove into view.'

We are so nearly there.

Look at that!

That is a blaze of glory!

A blaze of glory, grit and Bovril.

ON TANNOY: 'Ladies and gentlemen,

'the Top Gear Snowbine Harvester has arrived.'

'And so, there we are.

'For once in our wretched lives on this programme, we had actually done what we set out to do.'

-You know what?

-What?

-We have been ambitious and brilliant, and it is all thanks to the Dominator.

-Successful.

-Gentlemen, it has been a pleasure ploughing with you.

-It has been a joy and an honour.

-That was the right road, wasn't it?!

APPLAUSE

We did something! We were actually good!

-I can hardly believe it but it is true.

-Feels weird.

Some conclusions we can draw from our outstanding success there.

Britain has 3,700 snowploughs and gritters, and spends £160 million per year clearing snow.

Obviously, that isn't enough because

every time there is a light flurry, everything shuts down and closes.

That is why our idea makes so much sense because there are 15,000 combine harvesters in Britain.

All it takes to convert them into snowploughs is a spanner and a couple of burly men.

-Well, the gritter bit was a bit more complicated.

-And the flame-thrower.

-I am not sure you need that.

-No, you do! It is a good reversing light.

You set fire to a man.

No, I didn't! He spontaneously combusted as we were driving by.

It was incredible. I have never seen anything like it.

Anyway, the important thing is, our Dominator was an old machine.

If we'd used one of the more modern ones with more power,

especially if it had four-wheel drive, it would be brilliant.

It would. There we are, we have succeeded where the Bank of England has failed.

We have solved the country's financial crisis. I think we are all going to get knighthoods now.

I suspect so.

On that bombshell, it's time to end.

Thank you very much for watching. Good night!

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