Episode 6 Top Gear

Tonight, a spaniel in a moon buggy...

-A fat man in a Kia...

-Whoa, there she goes!

..and a race against the Lord God Almighty. Come on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody! Thank you so much.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Richard Hammond...

Richard Hammond says that back in the 1980s, when he was a small boy, there were only two cars that

caused him to run about his house in Birmingham clutching feverishly at his, as yet, unformed tinkle.

LAUGHTER

So you can imagine how excited he was

when the producer said to him this week he could drive both of them.

We've been wanting to get these two together

for as long as I can remember, and we've finally got hold of them.

And, well, it's a short winter's day and I don't want any traffic jams holding me up

which is why I've kipped the night at the track.

And I believe they are here.

In 1986, Porsche launched the greatest supercar

the world had ever seen, the 959.

And then, a year later, Ferrari responded with the greatest supercar

the world had ever seen, the F40.

Oh, my word!

Would you just look at that?!

I can't recall ever seeing these two together on television before.

So let's get cracking, beginning with this one.

Come on, Richard, stay professional! Oh, ho! Oh, ho!

When the 959 first came along in 1986,

it was the most advanced and most high-tech car ever made.

I'm not talking about the upmarket pleasantness of my surroundings, the air-con, electric seats and so on.

No, it's cleverer stuff than that.

For example, it had adjustable suspension

and a complex four-wheel-drive system.

You could split the power between the front and back wheels not just according to how much grip you had,

but how you were cornering, how much G-force you were putting it under.

Oh, God, this is beautiful.

You can just feel...

I mean, I've driven... I have owned 911s from this period,

and this thing just feels so much more!

And the tech fest didn't stop there.

The 959 came with a million things we'd never seen before -

tyre-pressure sensors, for example, and magnesium wheels with hollow spokes.

No wonder Bill Gates bought one.

And while we're on the subject of Billy Microsoft,

he was one of the few people back then who could have afforded to pay

the proper price for one of these things.

Because in the '80s, Porsche asked £150,000 for a 959,

but it actually cost them £300,000 to make, it was so advanced.

Other famous owners included my style hero, Don Johnson,

and a young Boris Becker, who maxed his 959 on the Italian Autostrada,

which must have been lively!

A 959 was fast.

Really fast.

Thanks to its 444 brake horsepower, 2.9 litre flat six turbocharged engine.

In fact, the top speed was 197 miles an hour...

..which in 1986 made it the fastest production car in the world.

Oh! When the turbos come on! Oh, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh!

However, its reign as the speed king was short-lived...

..thanks to this.

The 201 mph Ferrari F40.

God!

It's the ONE that gets me.

Not 200, 201.

It's like when kids say, "Everything you say plus one!"

So we know that Ferrari has a higher top speed than the Porsche, but what about acceleration?

You know, I feel a drag race coming on.

I am, as you know, a big fan of Porsches.

And it's not that I think that 959 is going to lose or anything,

but it's a cold day, and I think it's best if I stay here in this car,

the one that's 250 kilograms lighter

and has got 478 brake horse power instead of 444.

ENGINE REVS

Both these cars have twin turbos.

Both 2.9 litres.

Oh, it's going to be close!

It's going to be close!

I think the Porsche is taking it!

The Porsche is going to win!

Enzo would not like that result.

I'll be honest, a couple of my gear changes could have been slicker.

Dial out my iffy gear changes, though, and these two would cross the line neck-and-neck.

And that's odd, because they are very different.

Where the 959 is all hi-tech and luxury,

the F40 has string for door handles, no carpets and wind-up windows.

What you get in this car is a twin turbo V8, some windscreen wipers,

and that's about it.

It was the first car to be made entirely of carbon fibre,

which is only just starting to happen in Formula One.

The lightness and the stiffness of it, allied to that colossal power,

made it a bit of a hyper go-kart through the corners.

As a Porsche fan, it pains me to say this,

but in the corners, the F40 is far more exciting.

God... The steering wheel is alive!

Oh! Ho, ho!

This thing is so sharp.

Oh, God!

I'm sorry to keep squeaking

and making noises, and if it's disturbing you, I apologise.

So often it is, "Don't drive your heroes."

Not this time.

It's better than I could have imagined.

Better than I ever knew as a kid looking at pictures of it.

Choosing between these two is like choosing between shirt or trousers - it's pointless.

But I will stay this, we simply wouldn't be where we are now without them.

Because these two cars are, I believe, incredibly important.

It's this pair that took road cars to and beyond the 200 mph barrier.

Before them, you had Countaches and Testarossas,

and in evolutionary terms they were like man first making it into space.

With these two,

it was man walking on the moon.

They really are that important.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Sorry.

-What?

-No, I'm sorry. Sorry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you...

Did you say it was pointless to decide which of these was best?

-Yeah. Well, it IS pointless.

-Well, apart from the fact that the 959 is

neither here nor there and the F40 is probably the greatest car ever built in human history.

No, look, if I'm honest I prefer the F40 as well, but we mustn't forget the 959 WAS important

because it set the trend for computers and sensors that modern supercars have followed ever since.

Yes, and I wish they hadn't.

I wish they'd all followed the route set by the F40 -

-it's a twin turbocharged V8 go-kart, it's just very simple. It's better.

-I know what you mean,

-it's analogue versus digital.

-It is.

But anyway, we must now find out how fast they go round our track.

-The owners must be insane to let us do this.

-Of course.

-LAUGHTER

Handing them over to our tame racing driver.

-Some say that his favourite disease he had when he was a child was gout.

-LAUGHTER

And that he was very surprised this week when he was able to

pick up some remarkably cheap tickets for the Bahrain Grand Prix.

-All we know is he's called the Stig!

-CHEERING

And he's...

not going anywhere.

He is obviously... There's something wrong there. Oh, dear, yes.

-LAUGHTER

-There's something VERY wrong. What the hell's happened there?

-And across the line and into the garage!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That's not good.

-It's awkward. You see? You see?

I know what you're going to say...

Let me say it anyway. The Ferrari is fragile, that's why I like Porsche, because they may not be

as exciting to look at, but they are durable and tough, and that wins in the end.

Yes, yes, yes. All right. Come on, let's have a look at how the 959 got on.

And, yes, that one is actually going.

It is incredible how soft it looks as it rocks about.

Also looks rather old-fashioned and, I must say, very slow.

He's got a problem in there, he must have.

Here's Chicago.

That's an even bigger problem, that is.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

So what had gone wrong?

-What happened?

-Well, apparently...

Yes, I've just heard that the turbos let go.

So that had no boost, that lost its seal, so what we've got here for the first time ever

-is a DNF - a did not finish - and a DNS - did not start.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Right, and now the news.

The Bahrain Grand Prix, because it's been cancelled, this is a bit of an issue, because...

-It was supposed to be the first race of the season.

-Yeah.

So are they going to replace it with something else, just going to forget about it?

Well, they can hardly stage it in Tunisia, can they? Maybe Egypt?

Wait, wait, wait. Why don't we offer them our track?

LAUGHTER

-Really, why can't we hold it here?

-It makes sense. Most F1 teams are UK-based,

So it's convenient.

-And catering, we've got that caravan next to the security hut.

-Yes.

And if it rains, there is the security hut itself.

Were you all able to park easily today?

ALL: YES.

-Oh, mate, F1 here.

-Plus, Bahrain, incredibly boring track.

You can crash off for miles on those run-off areas and not actually hit anything.

Whereas here, we could offer the prestigious opportunity to crash into an old Boeing 747.

Hang on a minute, though.

Isn't our track a figure of eight?

-Yes, it is!

-That makes it even better! Imagine, you're in an F1 car, you'd be flat out

towards follow-through. About to go right, and then there'd be

another F1 car coming the other way about to go left towards Chicago.

Your closing speed is about 350 miles an hour.

I think... I think the most common phrase

we'd hear from the commentary team would be, "Tumbling end over end."

So, anyway, Bernie, if you like this idea or want to take us up on it,

write to us at, "Well, you've got more viewers than us anyway, Top Gear... "

A serious point if I may, last year we showed you a tribute

to Ayrton Senna on Top Gear, a little film we made.

Now there's a much longer one come out, 90 minutes, an incredible documentary.

This is completely unmissable.

I've got a clip for you here, I want you to have a look.

He will be ranked among the all-time greats.

Ayrton has a small problem, he thinks that he can't kill himself.

And I think that's very dangerous.

We are competing to win.

And if you no longer go for a gap, you are no longer a racing driver.

Senna is trying to go through on the inside!

I was treated like a criminal.

The best decision is MY decision.

Walking away from the dark forces just doesn't become an option.

I was not going to give up.

Real racing, that makes me happy.

-There's footage in that you just can't believe.

-I've got goosebumps.

It's unbelievable. It's just won an award, actually,

at the Sundance Film Festival, as best documentary, and I'm really not surprised. It's out in June.

If you've got any heart, any soul at all, you've got to go and see it, it's fantastic.

Anyway, moving on...

Yes, BMW has launched a whole sort of eco-flavoured range of cars beginning with the letter "I".

They've got two so far, the i3 and the i8. Do you want to see a picture of them? Here they are.

-Very difficult to see out of.

-Or get in.

That's not going to work, is it?! What is this current obsession

with putting "I" in front of things and believing that makes them special?

It started with the iPod, yeah, fair enough.

But we are going to have an iSandwich and iShoes.

-I don't want an iInfection.

-No.

-I don't want one of THOSE, though.

-Yeah.

-Oh, now, listen, Chrysler is going to launch this little £11,000 car in Britain,

and the first thing you need to know about it is it isn't a Chrysler.

What it is, OK, what happens is... Here's the story.

Fiat make the 500, OK?

They then give that to Lancia, who make it a bit longer and add two rear doors,

then Lancia give that to Chrysler, who take the Lancia badges off,

put Chrysler ones on and they're going to sell it in Britain.

-So Fiat have gone as far as recycling their cars before they've even sold them?

-Yes.

It's not a car at all, it's kind of an archaeological dig.

You scratch away

then underneath you discover, "Yes, it was a Lancia." Then you go a bit further, you'll find it was a Fiat.

Not just a Fiat 500, because if you actually keep going, you'll find it's a Fiat Panda,

-which is effectively what it is.

-Dig a bit further and you'll find a load of coins and a bronze helmet.

The Piltdown Man is in the glove box of that car.

Let's make it go away, because, more importantly,

Aston Martin, have launched a new car this week called the Virage.

The idea is fits between the quite soft and comfy DB9 and the much more expensive DBS.

Fantastic-looking thing.

What is there to say? It's going to cost, apparently, around £150,000, V12 engine, absolutely perfect.

Just one thing - underneath, of course, it is a Fiat 500.

-Cos everything is.

-Because everything is.

Now, round about 20 years ago, Peugeot made the momentous decision

to stop making nice cars and make instead NOT very nice cars for elderly people.

Yes, but now they've had another change of heart, and they've come up with this. It's called the EX1.

It's a twin-engined four-wheel drive electric roadster, and it's...

Well, the main purpose of it, really, Hammond, is to break records.

-Not unlike like myself, actually.

-Really?

-Yeah. Anyway,

look at this. You open the door, but when you do you also get...

A broken wrist? LAUGHTER

No, you also get... look, you get the seat.

-Oh, wow!

-The seat is... Climb in.

Half the car comes with it, so I'm actually getting into the door's pocket now

-with all, like, the crisp packets and the change?

-Feet up, get your feet right up.

-I put my feet in there?

-Yeah, and then...

-Oh, yes! Look at this!

Hey, that steering wheel is very Batman. It does all that and that.

And that's where the instruments are up on those two screens.

That's fantastic, look!

I have to say, for a Peugeot, especially, it looks absolutely fantastic. It's very funky...

Look at his face! It's very funky and very modern,

and you can expect to see this in your local Peugeot dealership...

never.

Now, moving on, with one of the most ambitious races we've ever staged.

As the sun sets, I will start from here,

Land's End, Britain's most westerly point,

and I will attempt to get to here

in Lowestoft, Britain's most easterly point,

before it rises again.

Now, to make this especially hard, I was made to do the race on

Midsummer's Day, during the shortest night we had.

This is a big one.

Space is a never-ending race track.

The thermal shock region on the prow of our Solar System, for example,

is screaming through the heavens at 490,000 mph.

Earth is hurtling round the sun at 67,000 mph.

God, it seems, is a complete speed freak.

And this is what I'm pitting against him -

the new Jaguar XJ.

And already, there's a problem. Because which one do I take?

The supercharged V8 is fast and exciting, but thirsty.

The diesel could do the journey easily on less than half a tank,

and not having to fill up will save time.

In the end, it was a simple decision -

I went for the fast one.

Stopwatch set.

'This is it, then. For your Sunday-night delectation,

'a big Jag vs God.'

It's like Songs Of Praise... with a supercharger!

At 9:36pm, the sun sank below the horizon.

And the race was on. Here we go!

And that is what the mysterious

sunset green flash is all about, obviously.

It's God's starting light.

He wants to race us. He likes racing!

OK, here are my issues.

The sun will rise over East Anglia

at 4:30 in the morning.

That gives me six hours and 54 minutes

to do 432 miles.

That means averaging - AVERAGING - 62 miles an hour.

At this stage, dawn still had 4,200 miles to go

before it reached Lowestoft.

But it was doing a massive 610 mph.

One hold up, one red light, God wins.

'And already he was playing dirty.'

Get out of the way!

"We've all been to watch the sunset at Land's End, we're now going back to the hotel."

This is bad. 30 mph.

Half what I need to be doing.

'Then the road straightened out, and the Jag pounced.'

Overtaking.

Holy cow!

This thing is fast.

But then, it kind of would be, because the supercharged V8

that's pulling me along produces more power and more torque

than the six-litre V12 in an Aston Martin Rapide.

Vrrroomf!

It's unhinged performance, that's what this is.

I am going to thrash God.

'But then he enlisted the services of an unusual ally.'

Aargh!

The devil's work!

'Beelzebub's cones went on for miles and my average speed collapsed.'

I'm in Cornwall, doing 50 because of average speed cameras,

to protect the workforce who aren't here.

And the sun has already risen in Sydney.

'God was winning.

'Which meant that when the roadworks finished,

'I needed to get my foot down.' Yes!

Make it so!

This is a quick car,

but there's a bit more to it than raw speed.

Sitting in an old Jag, even the last one,

was like sitting in a country pub.

You were cramped, there were beams,

you half-expected to be steering with a wagon wheel.

This, though, with the blue lighting around the vents,

the blue glow in the door pockets,

they've even lined this cubbyhole

and the glove box, as you can see, with purple velvet!

That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt and finding that she's wearing a thong!

Love these.

Stroke the lights to make them come on. Or off.

There are other thoughtful touches, too.

Oh-h-h-h, yes. Hard.

Oh, yeah. Lower, lower...

There, there, there!

'Yes, as I'm sure you realised, that's the seat massager at work.'

It's, like, kneading me...

and all that. In the seat!

Then there's the stereo system.

In the last Jag, you got a gramophone with a dog sitting on it,

but in this, I've got 1,200 watts

and it will play anything. Anything.

You just...

you push, you push...

that.

And... er...

'By the time I realised I didn't understand iPod connectivity, the sun was over Thailand.

'And I was facing a decision made by thousands of holidaymakers every summer -

'M5 and M4, or A303 past Stonehenge?'

The motorway is 20 miles further,

but probably better for fuel consumption.

But the A303 is more fun in a car like this.

Yeah, A303 it is!

This was a good call.

There's a whiff of NASCAR about this car.

And now I'm going to give it a bit more, because I'm going to engage Dynamic Mode.

Look - the dials glow red.

What this does is firms everything up, gives you more punch.

And also, because the XJ is made entirely from aluminium,

it's much lighter than any other big car.

It feels like a sports car.

On good roads like these,

it's not far short of a masterpiece.

'The Jag set about chewing up the miles.'

Druids!

By 1:45am, I figured I was in the lead, but I'd reached the M3.

Which was boring. So I decided to let the car drive itself.

Right, cruise control on. Very good system, this.

Set the speed at 70, and the road ahead is scanned by microwaves.

I'm going to hook on to the back of our camera car - there we go -

so now, if he speeds up, I speed up, if he slows down, I slow down.

I don't have to do anything.

I can even choose what sort of distance I want to follow it at.

There's the safe distance there, right down to the full Audi.

Yes! There we are, that's the Audi following distance!

'It was now late.

'The motorway was monotonous, and my thoughts turned to the business of staying sharp.'

The production team, as usual, has provided me with a CD

to keep me awake on this long, perilous and difficult voyage.

'And it was while working at Radio Lancashire that I experienced a revelation.

'I took over as producer and presenter of the weekend mid-morning shows.

'I reported on...

'..carol concerts, jumble sales...'

'Hammond's adventures in local radio weren't helping.'

'..record-breaking attempts, and sponsored swims.'

'But soon, something else did.'

Ooh, the fuel warning light is on!

INDISTINCT COMMENT

No!

'A splash and dash pitstop cost precious moments.'

Here we go. 'And then Beelzebub decided to cost me even more.'

Oh, no, no...

This is exactly the sort of hold up I can do without.

Is anyone going to be working on them? I mean, really!

So, you have to drive along at 50 miles an hour, glaring

at your speedometer, not looking at the road ahead. That's very dangerous.

It raises money for the government, but it's very dangerous.

By the time the roadworks finished, God was back in the lead.

He was now just over one hour from Lowestoft.

65 miles to go, and I would say that the inky blackness of night...

..has become sort of royal blue.

I don't suppose the sun will be early, will it?

Would it do that?

There is a smudge in the sky, a big one.

The mother of fire, it seems, is coming back.

That is daylight.

I have...

..39 minutes.

'There were still 34 miles to go, but, win or lose,

'I was glad I'd done this race in the Jag.'

An S-Class...

may be a comparable limo to this,

but an S-Class doesn't go and stop and steer

anything like as well as this.

If you're a keen driver,

this is the only big car you can have.

The sun was now over Amsterdam

and would appear in Suffolk in just 12 minutes.

Come on, come on.

4.9 miles.

Right, where is...

England's most easterly spot?

Come on, I'm lost!

No-o-o red light now!

Come on!

This is it!

HE LAUGHS

Loser!

I may be the first person in history to call God a loser!

Here, let me just get this right.

It drives like a sports car?

Yes, very like. It just feels so light, it's incredible.

It's about £20,000 less than the equivalent Mercedes S-Class.

Yep, the S63, definitely.

-And it's faster than the Lord God Almighty?

-Yes, it is, just, by about five minutes.

-But do you know what? I'm just not sure about the looks.

-I know. That's why we filmed it at night.

LAUGHTER

What makes it doubly annoying is that Bertolli, which is not Italy's most successful styling house,

recently did the concept of what they think Jaguars of the future should look like.

That's why we've got a television here, so you can have a look.

This is just spectacular, from any angle.

That is absolutely glorious.

Am I right in thinking that's got suicide doors?

Yes, it has - they open this way.

Now, this is an absolutely fantastic car

and I just think if it looked like that, it would be the best car ever.

Absolutely ever.

-Anyway, isn't it time you put a star in our reasonably priced car?

-Yes.

I'm sort of delaying it, really.

Last week we had a very intelligent, beautiful...

lesbian...

muscle car enthusiast.

This week we've got the exact opposite of that.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noises, please, for John Prescott.

CHEERING AND BOOING

Expected.

I knew they'd do that.

Lord John Prescott.

Thanks for those that cheered.

And those that booed, well, you know what you can do.

-I don't know where to start with you.

-JOHN LAUGHS

-I was wondering about that.

-So many questions.

I think the one that rises to the surface is,

what in the name of all that's holy were you thinking when you said,

"Let's put a bus lane on the M4."

LAUGHTER

I'm glad you've said that.

Jeremy, I'm going to introduce you to a revolutionary thought -

you can go slower and get there quicker.

That's to do with flow.

As soon as you made it two lane and brought it from 70 to 50, they got there quicker, actually.

-Cars as well.

-That's not possible.

-Don't take my word. Take the independent transport research.

It meant that the flow of the traffic was better. There were less accidents, less deaths.

I think that's an important factor. You just want to speed everywhere, right?

In reality, what we've seen is the deaths of children and deaths of adults...

There aren't any children on the M4 bus lane! It's a motorway!

There are no schools there.

APPLAUSE

I used to be able to drive into London on three lanes. You made it two.

-Yes.

-You put a speed camera, you made it 50.

-That was daft.

-And it meant that the flow of the traffic was

better because people aren't rushing to the two lane from three.

I've heard motorists cheering here, but don't you get annoyed when someone wants to push in,

when you've done your three and your two?

-How many people get annoyed at that, when they come down to three, come down to two?

-Public meeting!

-Put your hands up! There you are.

-John...

-They can bloody well...

Sit down! Sit down.

They're cheering for me, not you!

All right, fair enough.

Fair enough. Let me ask you this.

If you believe that narrowing a motorway causes the traffic flow

-to be improved, why did you widen the M25 and the M1?

-Well...

HE STAMMERS, CHEERING

Why did you do that?

Why didn't you narrow them?

If this is going to be a public meeting...!

Listen, from 1997, when we came in, right,

you guys in the public bought seven million more cars.

Now, if you look at the congestion, seven million more cars. Right?

You didn't get rid of the second car, did you? You passed it down.

-So what is happening, the growth in cars on the motorway...

-AUDIENCE JEERS

-That's the reality!

-John!

You don't want to face the facts, do you?

I knew I'd get that from you ruddy motorists!

In 1997, YOU said that if there weren't fewer cars on the roads,

more people using buses by the time you finished in five years, you could be judged a failure.

I didn't say that.

You read it.

-I know what I said, let me tell you.

-What did you say?

If I don't get more people using public transport,

and using their motor vehicles less, that's what I said.

But there are more people on trains now, more on buses, right? That was achieved.

What I didn't recognise, you bought seven million new cars!

So that meant more cars went on the roads.

-That was because of the prosperity we brought you under Labour.

-You bankrupted the country!

-You damn nearly bankrupt us!

-You won't get it from this outfit, be sure of it.

When somebody came to you one day and said that there was a problem with the environment and that man

was creating some carbon-dioxide, which was getting stuck in the upper atmosphere and this

was going to cause the world to melt, you decided the best thing you could do is fly to the Maldives.

-To go on a diving trip.

-No, I didn't.

I went to the Maldives, I was doing the negotiations at Kyoto.

-There's no way you can bike there.

-No, but the Maldives isn't...

-Hang on.

-Just try to understand what you've got here.

-Kyoto's in Japan - it's not in the Maldives!

Hang on, just give your bloody brain a chance!

LAUGHTER

I went to the Maldives, on the way to India.

I went to dive on the coral reefs.

I was arguing that what was happening is that

these coral reefs were being blanched and dying because the water was getting warm.

I wanted to bring home to people, look what is happening here.

-People didn't accept it in 1997.

-Why can't you do that from Hull? Why did you need to go to the Maldives?

-Because that's where you get...

-At taxpayers' expense of 6,500 quid?

You've sent me to Kyoto, I'm on the way back by India. I negotiate with the Indian government.

I go via the Maldives and dive.

Why did you then go to Sri Lanka?

Sri Lanka was the stop-off for the plane. I didn't go to Sri Lanka.

-I thought you looked at tigers there?

-No, that was in India.

You looked at tigers and then you went diving...

They asked me to join the Save the Tiger campaign when I was there on the environment negotiations.

Listen, the tigers are a real problem.

The thing is, John, we know this. We have David Attenborough to say, "Tiger numbers are dropping fast."

We read this in the newspapers all the time.

We don't need to go to India. Presumably they showed you a tiger?

If they'd have showed you an empty wood and went, "Look, no tigers..."

It's all right them cheering and shouting at your clever remark,

-but basically...

-LAUGHTER

-How many...? They like that.

-CHEERING DROWNS COMMENT

Sit...down.

Because, can you understand, honestly, can you understand

why a man threw an egg at you?

LAUGHTER

Do you know why he did and what he was concerned about?

I was against fox-hunting and he thought I was one

of the guys that he hates because he wanted to keep fox hunting.

Don't you understand, as a politician, that you'd had 13 years of basically doing what you want?

I am subjected to what they call a vote. If they agree or disagree.

Nevertheless, you had all of these years when you were allowed to do what you wanted

and you must have known there were people at home thinking,

"I wish they'd stop doing it". Did you not understand that?

Let me say, when I walked past this guy and he hits me with the egg,

right, I don't know it's an egg, I just feel this very warm thing running down my neck.

I just think somebody has perhaps knifed me or assaulted me,

that all happens in a split second.

And I see this fella built like a bloody barn door and I turned and I reacted.

When Tony asked me what happened, I said I was carrying out his orders.

He told us to connect with the electorate, so I did.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I can't see either of the Miliband brothers punching anybody.

They look like people who come round to service your computer, those two.

What is interesting is, we were told all through your tenure,

in various different positions, deputy prime minister and so on, you did like your cars.

The newspapers called you Two Jags.

-I only had one.

-You only had one Jag?

-I only owned one Jag.

But you had a company car?

-The government provided a car which came from...

-That's a Jag? Hang on.

I assume, it's like me saying I had two houses.

I had one house I owned and one car.

That is an area I wouldn't get into - two houses.

-I still only have one house, one job, one car.

-Has anybody here got a company car?

Put your hand up if you have a company car...

-How many cars have you got?

-AUDIENCE:

-Two.

No, none is the answer.

Anyway...you are a Jag man.

-I think I am. I have had 11 Jaguars.

-Is it really 11 Jags?

-We should have called you 11 Jags.

-Yeah.

I made a disastrous attempt to move to Rover once.

I was at the Rover TC. I admired their engineering,

and then I found when I took it to the garage it was two halves which had been welded together.

That was the problem in those days.

Right, your lap,

how was it?

-I was a bit worried, I thought I was skiing rather than driving.

-It was a wet day.

The car, I must say, was really impressive as it got into the speeds

and into the corners, but I was a bit worried... The puddles, the water.

When I got confident, I enjoyed it.

Who would like to see Lord John Prescott's lap?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Here we go, let's have a look.

Bet you look good in a helmet.

-Oh, you don't.

-And I'm away.

Are you in automatic or manual?

-Automatic.

-Which will be slower.

Whoa, there she goes.

Right, through the tyres. There we go. That is soaking wet.

-Yes, that was a bit fearful.

-It's not a bad little car, though.

This is really the one.

This is where we had to put cones out for you because you couldn't see the white lines.

Yep, there are the cones to show you where to go.

I can see why you made it a 50 limit on the M4.

You are allowed to go faster than that on our track.

Right, did you lift off through there?

-You did lift off.

-I put my foot on the break then.

Hard to say how fast you are going, it looks like a canal boat.

Here we are coming up to the second to last corner.

It is a nice line in, that.

Very smooth, very well done.

And Gambon, got it right this time. Ooh, little bit of tail coming out.

Nicely held and there we are, across the line!

APPLAUSE

So...

-Where do you think you've come on this magnificent board?

-Bottom.

Bottom?

So, you're not even going to try and get on to Alastair Campbell, 1.47.

It would be great to beat him.

No, you haven't.

Well, John Prescott, you did it in... What is the slowest time?

1.53.7, effectively.

You did it in...

1.56.7.

Which is by far and away the slowest lap time we have ever had.

APPLAUSE

-It is amazing.

-Well, now...

..it has been very interesting...

having you here today. I'm very glad you came.

It is something I thought would never happen

and I think you are very brave to come into in front of what is,

let's be honest, an audience that's on my side, rightly so.

Ladies and gentlemen, John Prescott.

APPLAUSE

Jezza versus Prezza, I like it.

I thought it might be an actual fight.

Right, now, important moment because, for the first time,

I think, in two years, we are going to do the Cool Wall!

CHEERING

Look, here it is.

And straight away, we can see that currents have blown certain BMWs

right up here into super-cool, sub-zero.

Things like the Z4, the M3, the 1-Series, the 5-Series. Not all Beamers, though.

This one, the 5-Series GT is down among the Audis. Uncool.

That's a horrible thing. It's like a fat old auntie,

the one with embarrassing flatulence that nobody dares mention.

Called Marjorie, I think.

Other changes.

Down here, a clutch of superminis, the actual Mini, Fiat 500, the Citroen DS3.

These are all inexpensive ways of looking seriously cool. Good cars.

Now, what do you make of this? This is called the Nissan Juke.

What is interesting, you buy a car because you want something that's practical or cheap.

Or you want something fast. How many people do you know say,

"I want to buy a car that's absolutely stupid?"

Because that's what this is. Do you not agree that is the stupidest thing in the world?

-It's ugly.

-It's ugly.

There is a chap back here, you know your hat...

LAUGHTER

You obviously like to go out in public...

looking ridiculous.

Do you like the Nissan Juke?

-I don't mind it.

-What do you drive?

-A Golf.

-Not a diesel?

-It is a diesel, yes.

You look like that and you've got a Golf diesel?

That's fantastic, many things going on there in that man's hat.

This is a hideously uncool car so it goes down there.

And speaking... What have you got there?

This is the Renault Wind. A couple of problems here, first of all the name.

-Basically, it's a Renault fart.

-It is.

I suspect that supercar-looking body is writing cheques that the rest of the car can't cash.

But, this is the Gordini version so it has stripes on it.

And, as we all know, things with stripes on are cool -

Shelby Mustangs, tigers, toothpaste...

-James May's jumpers.

-That is not cool.

Thank you very much. It has stripes on it, it looks like James May's knitwear so that goes there.

-JEREMY CLEAR HIS THROAT What?

-Check it out.

-What is it?

-Toyota Yaris Verso.

-It's not good.

-This is for people whose lives are completely empty.

They are looking forward to the day they die

because it will give them something to do.

And they don't have sex any more cos these days, you know, we prefer sherry.

They are utterly boring and catastrophic in every single way and they have bought this

and it is the worst car I've ever seen in my life and it goes there.

Crikey, getting that off your chest. One thing, has sherry ever lead to sex? Do you get sherry sex?

-I think you do.

-It is the one alcoholic drink that's never led to nooky.

I will demonstrate sherry sex to any volunteers.

Could you volunteer to have sherry sex with me?

Oh, dear Lord.

Just bear with me. You don't have to go very far.

-She's keen.

-Sherry sex. You ready?

Here we go.

-Good night.

-LAUGHTER

Sherry sex, like that.

APPLAUSE

Thank you. I need a cigarette now.

LAUGHTER

And now we have got a problem with this.

This is the Porsche 911 Carrera C2S.

We know the rules on the Cool Wall.

If one of us has a car, it's always uncool.

Both Hammond and May own this car.

I don't think the board is long enough

to be able to accommodate that.

I'm just trying to work out the direction.

That is east, that is west. Who lives west of here?

-Where do you live?

-Wiltshire.

Does anybody live further west than Wiltshire?

-Ireland.

-Ireland? Excellent! Could you do me a favour?

Could you take that home and pop it on your gatepost?

Thank you very much, it will live there forevermore.

Those are the rules, I can't argue with that.

I would like to proffer this. OK?

-What is it?

-It is a Morgan. The new Morgan three-wheeler.

-New?

-Yes, they are recreating the three-wheeler runabout

that launched the company 100 years ago and it is magnificent.

-It is made with aluminium and it is a modern re-creation.

-No, it isn't.

-It isn't modern.

-Yes, it is.

-It is modernised.

-No, you know... Everybody will have this, OK?

You know the cupboard under your sink which is full

of wedding presents you never used, you all familiar with that?

That's the fish steamer you were given.

-It is.

-No, it's not.

-It is.

-It isn't.

-It is.

-It isn't.

-Well, it is.

-Well, it isn't.

If you put that in cool, I will put you in a drain.

I have a chair and I'm not afraid to use it.

I have a hammer.

Well, make your move, big fella, it's going in cool.

Make your move, come on.

You know what this is, don't you?

-Awkward.

-This is a Mexican stand-off.

LAUGHTER

Right, it is now time for a small celebration,

because this year marks the 40th birthday of the world's most expensive car.

Operating. We're underway.

It had no doors.

No roof. No windscreen.

It produced just one horse power

and it had a couple of garden chairs for seats.

And yet, the Lunar Rover, or Moon Buggy, cost £25 million

and that was in 1971 when a V12 E-Type Jag cost less than 3,500.

In its short life, the Moon Buggy covered just 56 miles,

which in Top Gear maths works out as about half-a-million quid per mile.

Although they were all on the moon.

You are go!

The Moon Buggy was used in three space missions.

Man, oh, man, what a Grand Prix this is.

I tell you, it sure does a good job with this kind of terrain.

And the short, bouncy journeys it made

were about the most useful a car has ever undertaken.

The Moon Buggy meant that the astronauts could explore

more of the moon than they would have been able to on foot,

and that meant they could take more pictures, collect more rocks,

drill for more samples and generally get a better understanding

of where the universe may have come from.

However, in 1972 the moon missions were scrapped,

which means that for the last 39 years, the only Moon Buggy

you will have seen on Earth has been in a museum.

Until now.

Because... Yes, it's back.

This really is it.

The Moon Buggy Mark II -

a car for outer space.

This is much more exciting

than something like a Veyron SS or a Ferrari 458.

Those are just Earth cars.

And because I am the one who goes by the name of Captain Buzz Slow,

NASA have said I can drive it.

HE LAUGHS

There we are, we are flat out in the Lunar Rover Mark II, that is ten miles an hour.

The original Lunar Rover did eight miles an hour until the astronauts

got hold of it and they managed to push it up to 11.

So, who knows, this could get into the teens.

I can't believe I am being allowed to do this.

I am alone in it.

Well, almost alone.

Since Moon Buggy Mark II cost 4.5 million,

there was a car behind me containing some NASA heavies

who could remotely shut it down if I did anything stupid.

Absolutely fantastic control interface here.

I have got this screen with touch buttons, loads of parameters

I can fiddle with, every single wheel is monitored.

My heading, my direction, roll, pitch, all these things.

If normal cars were as complicated as this, they would be a lot more fun.

Watch this for a really brilliant little Lunar Rover party trick.

If I just push the joystick to the side, very slightly,

you will see that is not turning right, that is crabbing.

How about that?

SCREECHING

What was that?

Am I that close to it?

Sorry.

After an astronomical bollocking,

I decided to concentrate on Moon Buggy pub trivia.

This is the only vehicle of any type I have ever driven with two quoted weights,

because here on Earth it weighs approximately four tonnes,

but on the moon, of course, the gravity is only about a sixth

of what we have here, so it only weighs something like 760 kilograms.

They do think about that sort of thing.

It will behave differently and your sensors will behave differently as well.

The Moon Buggy has 12 wheels

powered by six motors and they have a great party piece.

Right, watch this.

We are now crabbing...

exactly sideways.

The eagle has parked.

BANG!

Sorry.

Now, we have done a small amount of maths here.

This is proper maths, not Top Gear maths.

We worked out that if every car in Britain could park like that

and didn't have to leave a gap at each end,

we would save, wait for it...

10,000 miles of parking space.

But since there is not really a problem with parking on the moon,

those wheels, combined with an adjustable ride height

are designed primarily to be amazing off-road.

Houston, we are go for rocks.

Now, you'll see when you're looking outside,

each wheel set is working out where it's going and what it's doing,

sort out the right height, deal with the traction,

it is extremely intelligent, it has extremely powerful computers.

The tyres themselves are not quite so hi-tech.

They were chosen for their toughness and are from a crop sprayer.

Look at this!

That's bags of torque.

That's a four-ton vehicle climbing up a 30-degree slope.

What a climb!

What a ride!

It is absolutely brilliant, this thing.

ENGINE STALLS

Sorry.

It is not just the Moon Buggy's off-road abilities that have moved on either.

The original Lunar Rover had a very limited range

because if it broke down, the astronauts had to be able to make it back to the lunar module on foot.

But this one is more of a cosmic camper van.

This is a space bed.

There is another one that folds down here for your buddy.

They are covered in memory foam, which was a NASA invention.

There are privacy curtains here, there is an iPod dock,

there is a home cinema, here is a space John.

But sooner or later, you are going to get bored watching Apollo 13

and you might want to go for a walk outside.

If you do, you have to exit through the rather unusual back door.

Here we go. My feet are entering the suit.

My gentleman's area is compressed by the crotch of the spacesuit.

I have my hands in the space suit.

Leak check complete.

Closing the hatch in the Lunar Rover.

That is quite a giant leap for a very unsteady man.

I would now like to perform a short tribute

to the late Alan Shepard Jr,

one of only 12 men to have walked on the moon,

and the only man to have done this.

Houston, the eagle is going for a birdie.

There we go.

Miles and miles and miles.

I'd like to be deadly serious for a moment.

This is the most fabulous vehicle I have ever driven. Ever.

But there is a problem with it.

Not a technical problem, it is the president,

he has cancelled all the funding for the next moon mission.

Because that is what makes the ship go up.

No bucks, no Buck Rogers.

That means, if you're a kid, you will never have the thrill

of getting up in the middle of the night, like I did,

to watch the funny little car hooning about on the moon.

'Yahoo!

'That was all four wheels off the ground there.

'This is really some machine.'

This piece of film I am watching now shows men leaving the surface of the moon for the last time.

That is the ascent stage of the Apollo 17 lunar module blasting off from the lunar surface.

That bit of film was captured with a remote camera mounted on the Moon Buggy.

Which means, obviously, that the Moon Buggy was left behind.

It does make me sort of sad, really, to think of that amazing car

being left up there, gathering moon dust for eternity.

But if you ask me, it is not half as sad as a Moon Buggy

that will never go up there at all.

APPLAUSE

I understand the financial considerations,

-but it is sad, isn't it?

-Yes, it makes me sad.

I tell you what else is sad,

that is not only the end of this show, it is the end of this series.

Thank you very much for watching, though,

we will see you again in June. Take care. Goodnight.

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