Episode 5 Top Gear


Episode 5

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Tonight, Maserati brings some V8 thunder to our track,

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Mercedes brings some smoke

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and we wave goodbye to Saab.

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APPLAUSE

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Hello... Hello, everybody and good evening.

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Hello and welcome - thank you so much.

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We begin...

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LOUD WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

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We begin with a letter - thank you, everybody.

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It's from a Swiss gentleman and it says,

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"Dear Si Appelli, Top Gear.

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"You're more than halfway through this series

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"and yet you still haven't raced a car

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"against something that isn't a car."

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He's right, we haven't - and we should!

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As with our off-road scooters last week, this race will take place in Wales.

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And this is the rally car we'll be fielding -

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a Skoda Fabia Super 2000.

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Last season, this car dominated the championship,

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winning seven of the 12 rallies and locking out the entire podium

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with a 1-2-3 on four of those occasions.

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But although the car is clearly no slouch, is it any kind of match

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for the non-car thing we've got lined up for today?

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In fact, if I were the car,

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I might possibly be weeing myself right now.

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Because today, it will be taking on Yves Rossy,

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the world's first jet-powered flying man.

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Yves, I have many questions.

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Starting with, what exactly is this thing?

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That's a wing, and to push me in the air, four engines. It's very simple.

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-Four jets?

-Yes. And you steer just with your moves of arms and legs...

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-So you haven't got like, levers to control the...?

-Nothing.

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The only thing is a little throttle that I have here.

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-That's the only thing that command.

-Well, look, all the best.

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-Mm-hm.

-I'll be on the ground.

-Yeah!

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'And THAT brings us neatly to the actual driving of the car.'

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Now obviously, I could take the wheel of that thing myself

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and show that Swiss cuckoo clock some real talent,

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but under the Top Gear apprentice driver training scheme,

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I've agreed to let the guy behind me, Toni Gardemeister, cut his teeth on this one.

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To be fair, he's pretty good already.

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Finnish rally champion.

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Many, many World Rally podiums to his name.

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But still keen to get some tips from me.

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So, let's see how this race will work.

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This is the course the car will be racing around.

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Eight miles of prime Welsh rally stage.

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As the car sets off, Yves will climb to 8,000 feet in a helicopter,

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jump out, and then follow the course from above.

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Now, Rocket Man can travel at a steady 120 miles an hour

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and we can't.

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-Well,

-I

-could, but I'm not sure yet about our novice driver.

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Anyway, you might think because of his cruising speed, we don't stand a chance,

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but there's more to it than that. At the end of the race, Yves has to land,

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so he has to cut his engines, deploy his parachute

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and all sorts of technical rocket-man stuff has to happen.

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So, trust me, we're in with a shout here.

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'And also, we will be busy covering precious miles

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'whilst his chopper is still climbing to launch height.'

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Just relax, Toni, I'm here if you need me.

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Obviously, Yves could cut a corner up there, but don't worry,

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we've thought of that - we've put a farmer out there

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with an air rifle with strict orders to shoot him down if he sees any infringement.

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That's FIA rules all sorted.

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As the chopper lifted, the flag dropped.

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We're off!

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Oh-hoh!

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Oh, my God, he's quite confident.

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Ye Gods!

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Yeah, just as you are.

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We are absolutely monstering this course!

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We've got 265bhp down here. Toni is using, I'd say, all of them!

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Yeah - whoaah!

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'However, as we passed the three-mile mark, Yves was ready to jump.'

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He's jumped!

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Engines are good.

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Well, he's dropped, I can't see him out of the car.

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'But somewhere up there, he was following our course

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'and closing the gap.'

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Aaargh!

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-Hello!

-Just concentrate!

-OK!

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As a new driver, you get giddy, you show off and it goes wrong. Oh...

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Up there, Yves is hitting speeds of 120, 150, 80 miles an hour.

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In just, well, a lycra suit a small crash helmet

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and a kitchen table on his back.

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How the hell did I get mixed up in this? I mean, I'm just baggage now.

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'Within seconds, Yves had caught up.'

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There he is, there he is!

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He's ahead of us, he is ahead.

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Ow!

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'As Yves streaked into the lead,

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'we still had just under four miles to go.'

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Aaaaargh!

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In the air... Ooh-argh!

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Ye Gods.

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Right, OK(!)

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'Up ahead, Yves's journey was, unfortunately, almost done.'

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There he is. There's his parachute.

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We've got to just take advantage

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while he's slowing through the air to land. We've got to give it everything we can.

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We've got about two minutes now. Absolutely...

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This is going to be so close!

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Oh, my God.

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There he is.

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He's behind the hill.

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He's behind the trees, I don't know, he's not down yet.

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We still have a chance here.

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This is it. Where is he? Where is he? Is he there?

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Oh no! After all that!

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Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

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Don't blame yourself. That's the main thing, man - don't blame yourself.

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-You did a great job.

-Thanks for the guiding.

-I was there for you.

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-Thank you.

-I'm going to sit here for a little bit now, just...

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You look a little bit dark now.

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Yeah, do you know, I'm just going to sit here for a minute.

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BLEEP!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Was that a bit scary?

-Yes! Very. It's so fast.

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You said at one point, something was getting loose.

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Yeah, me - my bowels, specifically! It was really scary.

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But what gets me about Yves, flying, is there must have been

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a first time he did that - you can't work up to being a jet-powered man.

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You can't start with propellers.

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-Oh, no!

-So there must've been a first day.

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He woke up one day and thought, right, it's today.

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I'm going to jump off a helicopter with a kitchen table strapped

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to my back and a couple of jets and I'm pretty confident I can fly.

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Anyway, we must now do the news and we begin with this.

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What is the worst thing in the world?

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Trying on trousers.

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He's right, actually. You're right.

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But the second worst thing in the world is when you're going on a journey somewhere

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and someone in the car says, "do you mind if we stop"

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for some reason - "look, there's an ancient monument".

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I don't want to look at that! I want to look at my friends who we haven't seen for five years.

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You're absolutely right. There are some people

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who stop on a journey at a motorway services to play a fruit machine.

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Those people who say, "I need to stretch my legs".

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If you're Alec Guinness and you've been in a box in a Japanese prison for six months, yes,

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you need to stretch your legs, but after 30 miles in a car, you don't.

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It's when people say they need to stop to eat. Why?

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I can't imagine a journey long enough that means YOU will need refuelling.

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-Well, if you were driving from Cairo to Khartoum...

-Yes, but not in Britain.

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If you're going from Leicester to Birmingham, you don't need food. You won't starve in that time.

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No, and I'm glad you brought this up because this is where I'm going, OK?

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One place I could never understand why people stopped at

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was Little Chef, because what they did was they took ingredients

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and then ruined them.

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I once stopped at a Little Chef very early in the morning

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and I said, "Could I have an omelette?"

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The woman said, "No, I'm sorry sir, the powder hasn't arrived yet".

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That's not a good sign, is it?!

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I once dropped a sausage from my plate in Little Chef and it bounced.

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They made it out of old squash balls!

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The other day, we heard they'd shut getting on for half their outlets,

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and we weren't surprised, but the other day we stopped at one that was still open.

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I went in and this guy gave me a paper cup,

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he said it's a casserole mash.

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I thought, that's just going to be bits of placenta...

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Oh, God!

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-..garnished with the chef's bodily fluids.

-Nice.

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-It was the second nicest thing I've ever put in my mouth.

-Second?

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LAUGHTER

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-OK.

-It was brilliant.

-I loved it, to be honest.

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It's because they've got Heston Blumenthal doing the menu.

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Yes, he cut his teeth, didn't he, in Heston services?

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GROANS

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BMW has sent us news of a new Mini. It's a concept, here's a picture.

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It's a twee little van with "Buckingham" picked out

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in old-fashioned sign writing and it looks like

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the sort of thing we might have been driving just after we won the war.

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-Oh, for God's sake, please! Don't go there.

-Won it.

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-Don't go there.

-They've done this before, BMW.

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A year or so ago they did a Mini, but at the back,

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it had a wickerwork picnic hamper and a silver tea set.

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The point is, we would like to extend an invitation to

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people of Germany to come over here, not in a bomber...

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-Not all at once.

-Not in uniform, marching...

-And not at night.

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No, not at night, but come over here as tourists

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and we'll show you the Shard, for example, in London. Modern skyscraper.

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We'll show you the Range Rover Evoque.

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We'll take you to an Adele gig. Maybe not Adele.

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Not if ITV are covering it, cos you'll just get that...

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LAUGHTER

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Then there'll be an advert for panty liners.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Germans need to come here, they really do - to come here

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and understand we're not driving around in twee little vans,

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tugging our forelocks at the squire any more.

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They're obsessed with this, bless them.

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They always say, "ve love your England, viz your tweed and your little houses mit-out electricity".

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We should go to Germany with mullets and leather shorts

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and wander about whistling Scorpion tunes and see how they like it.

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Racial stereotyping - which we don't do.

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News from the Continent! I've always wanted to say that.

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"News from the Continent."

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The French have announced that from July 1, you must, by law,

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carry a breathalyser kit in your car.

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You can understand the logic behind that

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until you think about it carefully, and then there's a flaw.

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You come out of the bar, you've had a glass of wine and you think, "am I OK for driving?"

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You use your breathalyser kit, it says yes, you are,

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but then you can't drive, cos you've used your kit.

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It's a one-shot deal?

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You'd have to walk to the chemist and buy another kit before you set off.

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Don't they also make us carry warning triangles?

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Yes, and in France, you've also got to carry a full set of spare bulbs and a high-visibility vest.

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Aren't all those things the police's job? Do they want us to stick some cones in the car, just in case?

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And maybe a radio, a notepad, and a pencil?

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But, if they're turning us all into policemen,

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we could stop other motorists and help ourselves to 130 of their euros.

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Yes, we could stop Brits on the last tolls before Calais,

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who are rushing to get the ferry and have been speeding.

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Has anyone here been caught speeding in France?

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It's like saying, has anyone been to France? Yes.

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-Would you have to carry handcuffs and a big truncheon as well?

-No, that's Holland.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, Richard, tell me, when you go to work at the BBC in London, where do you park your car?

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Well, I park it in the car park at the BBC, underground,

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where everybody else parks. Where do you park?

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I park in the underground car park. It's a bit of a walk, but that's what you do.

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Now there is a loading bay outside our office

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which is more convenient but there is no parking there.

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Now I took a photograph in this loading bay this week. Here it is...

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We may recognise this car if the watch The Apprentice.

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It belongs to Lord Sir Sugar.

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-His chauffeur was probably loading him into the building then.

-Exactly.

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Technically this was a delivery. So that's fine.

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More worrying is this. OK, if we zoom in...

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Now, right there is a little Fiat Panda,

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part blocking the door of the honest working men

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whose job it is to deliver things to the BBC.

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And I'm wondering, Hammond, who has a little black Fiat Panda?

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I don't know. At the BBC? LAUGHTER

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I don't know.

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-Does David Attenborough? No, he doesn't.

-Paxman?

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Moving on, the most important news of the week.

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Road safety campaigners are always telling us that driving is extremely difficult.

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It's so difficult that you couldn't possibly do something else at the same time.

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-But we disagree with this.

-We think driving is easy

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and you can do pretty much anything while you are driving in perfect safety.

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We do, and a couple of weeks ago he said to prove that point,

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he would drive around a track while sewing a button onto his shirt.

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-OK, who'd like to see me try that?

-ALL:

-Yes!

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Here we go, we have got it on tape.

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'This is a Suzuki Swift.

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'There's me at the wheel sewing a button on as I drive.'

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I will try and get back underneath again

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before we get to the Hammerhead which is tricky

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because I've got too many chins and I can't see what I'm doing.

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Memo to self: lose weight.

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So there you are, ladies and gentlemen, you can do it.

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You can sew a button...

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APPLAUSE

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But it goes on a bit. Hold on,

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because after you'd said you'd do that,

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James then said he reckoned he could drive a lap of our track in a car,

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whilst in a sleeping bag.

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-Can you?

-Well, let's find out.

-Oh, here we go.

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Here I am driving along in a Suzuki Swift, exactly as you were.

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Are you wearing normal clothes?

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-No, I'm in a sleeping bag.

-LAUGHTER

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Shuffle the wheel. Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

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Now tell me, was it easy?

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There was only one problem -

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that blithering idiot Hammond has turned the heater up

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to full blast because he thought it was funny.

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And of course I can't reach the knob.

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So there we are, road safety enthusiasts -

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proof that you can do other things while driving. I'm not suggesting that people do.

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Don't drive to work tomorrow morning in a sack.

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But we've just shown that you can drive while sewing or in a sleeping bag,

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so you can certainly drive while eating an apple or...

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-Putting a CD in.

-Well, if you still live in the 1980s, yes, putting a CD in.

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-Driving is easy!

-It's not difficult.

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Right, no moving on to this - it is a Maserati GranTurismo

0:18:100:18:16

and it is a soft, floppy and very enormous barge for people who can't drive.

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(Our studio director's got one.)

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Um, I really don't like it at all,

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but Maserati has now scratched its head

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and tried something a bit different.

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This is what they've come up with - the GranTurismo MC Stradale.

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It's still vast.

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The gap between the wheels is longer than it is on a Range Rover

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and even beyond the wheels, look, it just keeps on going.

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Still, it's now been lowered and lightened and stiffened.

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So theoretically, it's become a proper no-nonsense road racer.

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It even has a button marked "Race" on the dashboard.

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ENGINE REVS

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That speeds up the gear changes, backs off the traction control

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and turns the exhaust all the way up to 11.

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Under the bonnet, the V8 has been tweaked

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so it's now firing 444 horsepower at the rear wheels.

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And the results of all this are dramatic.

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The standard car is like a duvet on a hot night,

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flopping about everywhere, being annoying.

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This, though, in race mode, this is as tidy as a Marine's bunk.

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You can sense that the suspension is doing battle

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with the bulk of the thing.

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But you can also sense it's a battle that the suspension is winning.

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There's a majesty to the way this car drives.

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And it feels like it has a soul, too.

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Ooh-ooh!

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Oooh, I like you.

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Oh, and Joe Walsh was wrong.

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Because my Maserati actually does 187.

0:20:490:20:55

So, it goes brilliantly and thanks to carbon brakes...

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it stops just as well.

0:21:010:21:03

However, if you want a road racer,

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you should know there's a new alternative

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from the dour, sensible, no-nonsense Germans at Mercedes-Benz.

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This is the C63 Black.

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It's the latest plunge into the world of insanity

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from the skunkworks deep inside the bowels of AMG.

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In many ways, it's very similar to the Maserati.

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Both cost around £110,000.

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Both are two-seaters.

0:21:410:21:43

Both have double-clutch gearboxes

0:21:430:21:46

and both are jolly fast.

0:21:460:21:49

But there are differences.

0:21:590:22:01

Big ones.

0:22:010:22:03

You look at this car and you take in the aero tweaks on the front-end,

0:22:070:22:12

the nostrils in the bonnet, the massively flared wheel arches

0:22:120:22:16

and the enormous carbon fibre rear wing.

0:22:160:22:18

And you sit in here and you know you have strengthening braces

0:22:180:22:24

and you think, yes, this IS a full-on racing car.

0:22:240:22:29

It isn't. It isn't that.

0:22:320:22:35

It isn't even close to that.

0:22:350:22:38

HE GASPS

0:22:410:22:42

No, no, over there. Go over there. Over there. Go over THERE!

0:22:440:22:48

What is that rear wing doing?!

0:22:500:22:53

I think it's providing rear-end lift. There's no grip at all.

0:22:530:22:57

It is hilarious!

0:22:570:22:58

Through the corners there's just no way that I can keep up

0:23:040:23:08

with the man in the Maserati because he is driving a racing car

0:23:080:23:11

and I... I'm wrestling a mad yellow bear!

0:23:110:23:17

This, honestly, is Winnie The Pooh with road rage.

0:23:180:23:21

I mean, obviously it's much more spectacular to go round the corner

0:23:250:23:29

in a cloud of your own smoke.

0:23:290:23:31

But it's slower.

0:23:310:23:33

As you can see, because after every single corner,

0:23:330:23:37

he's 300 yards ahead of me.

0:23:370:23:38

100 yards ahead.

0:23:410:23:43

200 yards ahead.

0:23:430:23:45

300 yards ahead.

0:23:450:23:46

So on a track, the Maserati is better.

0:23:520:23:57

However, as an everyday road car, there are some issues,

0:23:570:24:01

chief among which are the racing harnesses.

0:24:010:24:04

Look at this - honestly, it's like something out of an S&M catalogue.

0:24:050:24:10

It means you can't reach the glove box.

0:24:100:24:12

You can't reach car park pay machines or tollbooths.

0:24:120:24:16

They couldn't have ruined the car more

0:24:160:24:18

if they'd smeared the carpets with dog dirt.

0:24:180:24:21

And even if you ignore the bondage gear, all is still not well.

0:24:230:24:26

If you take the gearbox out of race mode

0:24:280:24:33

and put it in everyday "going to the shops" auto,

0:24:330:24:35

it sits down there, in the bowels of the car thinking,

0:24:350:24:39

"Now, he's just pulled that lever, that means I have to do something.

0:24:390:24:44

"What is it? I have to bake cake?

0:24:440:24:48

"No. Mow the lawn? No."

0:24:480:24:51

"I know! I am a gearbox!

0:24:520:24:54

"He's pulled the lever, that means he wants third!"

0:24:540:24:58

It's so dim-witted and slow in normal mode,

0:24:580:25:01

it makes the whole car feel like it isn't joined up properly.

0:25:010:25:05

So how does the Mercedes stack up as a road car?

0:25:060:25:11

Well, like the Maserati, the rear seats have been removed.

0:25:110:25:15

But for a fee, Mercedes will put them back.

0:25:150:25:18

They will also - free of charge - move the steering wheel

0:25:180:25:21

and pedals over to the correct side of the car.

0:25:210:25:25

And look at this - hasn't been invented in Italy yet.

0:25:250:25:28

It's called a seatbelt and it's so simple and easy to use.

0:25:280:25:32

And there's more.

0:25:350:25:37

It's smaller than the Maserati,

0:25:370:25:39

much like Lincolnshire, so it is easier to park

0:25:390:25:42

and it has a fantastic central command unit

0:25:420:25:44

which not only tells you where you are and what you're listening to, but also,

0:25:440:25:49

if you push this button here,

0:25:490:25:51

how much G you're generating in the bends.

0:25:510:25:54

Where the throttle is and how much brake you're using

0:25:540:25:57

AND the condition of your tyres.

0:25:570:26:01

What it should say is, "Very poor, because in the last corner you turned them all into smoke."

0:26:010:26:06

Yes, I'm just taking the children to school now.

0:26:070:26:10

I'm on the school run.

0:26:100:26:12

Just turning left into Acacia Avenue.

0:26:130:26:17

The biggest problem though with this car

0:26:170:26:19

is that it's not what you'd call comfortable.

0:26:190:26:23

Honestly, if you want to know how this car rides,

0:26:230:26:25

sit on a piano and asked someone to push you down that cobbled hill they used in the Hovis ads.

0:26:250:26:30

It's ridiculous!

0:26:300:26:32

I actually owned the predecessor of this car

0:26:320:26:35

and I've been saying for years, it rides too harshly.

0:26:350:26:37

And what have they done with the replacement?

0:26:370:26:40

They've made it worse!

0:26:400:26:42

So, there we are.

0:26:430:26:45

Both these cars are good fun on the track,

0:26:450:26:48

albeit for very different reasons.

0:26:480:26:51

But for commuting and shopping and going out for dinner,

0:26:510:26:55

thanks to the ride in the Mercedes

0:26:550:26:57

and the gearbox in the Maserati, no.

0:26:570:27:00

Neither of them work very well at all.

0:27:000:27:03

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:27:120:27:14

It does have a better petrol tank than mine.

0:27:140:27:17

-And the seat belts are easier to do up.

-Yeah.

0:27:170:27:21

Let me get this one straight,

0:27:210:27:24

so you finally admitting that AMG Mercs are ridiculous?

0:27:240:27:27

Well, I mean, if you are me

0:27:270:27:29

with my very specific requirements for a car, it's very good indeed.

0:27:290:27:34

Yeah, but quite a lot of people aren't you, so for all of them?

0:27:340:27:38

Well, as I said in the film, er, it is a bit stiff.

0:27:380:27:41

Yeah. Just why don't you tell the ladies and gentleman

0:27:410:27:44

how many laps of track you managed

0:27:440:27:46

-before the rear tyres went down to the cambers?

-There's a very pretty girl there. Have you seen?

0:27:460:27:51

How many lap did you manage of our track

0:27:510:27:54

before the rear tyres were lunched?

0:27:540:27:55

Erm...

0:27:550:27:57

Four.

0:27:570:27:58

-How many?

-Four.

-BOTH:

-Four!

0:27:580:28:02

Four laps of the track.

0:28:020:28:03

That adds up to 6.8 miles.

0:28:030:28:05

-That works out at £85 a mile, just in tyres, to run this car.

-Yes.

0:28:050:28:12

And we're now going to have to man our wallets once more

0:28:120:28:15

because it's time to find out how fast the Mercedes and the Maserati go around our track.

0:28:150:28:20

And that of course means handing them over to our tame racing driver.

0:28:200:28:24

Some say that he is the only man in history to buy a DFS sofa

0:28:240:28:31

when there wasn't a sale on.

0:28:310:28:34

LAUGHTER

0:28:340:28:35

And that his favourite boxing venue is Munich Airport.

0:28:350:28:41

All we know is that he's called The Stig!

0:28:410:28:43

And they're off.

0:28:430:28:45

Now the Maserati is undoubtedly quicker through the corners,

0:28:450:28:49

but the Merc will blitz it on the straights.

0:28:490:28:51

Obviously we are not going to find out here because, look,

0:28:510:28:54

the Merc is already twitching, and wait for it...

0:28:540:28:57

yes, smoke and sliding.

0:28:570:28:59

"The Archers" THEME TUNE PLAYS

0:28:590:29:01

Stig unfortunately still obsessed with The Archers.

0:29:030:29:06

Chicago, once again the Merc sideways.

0:29:060:29:09

They should have called it the Crab.

0:29:090:29:11

OK, hard on the brakes for Hammerhead.

0:29:110:29:14

What will happen in here, I wonder?

0:29:140:29:16

Yup, there goes the Mercedes. Oh, even the Maserati's sliding.

0:29:160:29:19

And the Merc continues to smoke like a refinery fire.

0:29:190:29:22

RADIO PLAYS

0:29:220:29:26

A double helping of agri-drivel there.

0:29:260:29:29

OK, here we go, the Maserati has the V8 engine.

0:29:290:29:32

The Merc is now unleashing a 6.2 litre, 510 horsepower V8 atom bomb.

0:29:320:29:37

Just a fantastic amount of power in that thing. Two corners left.

0:29:380:29:43

Looking pretty even so far.

0:29:430:29:45

Penultimate corner.

0:29:450:29:46

Didn't go sideways, but Gambon, he did.

0:29:460:29:49

and there we are, across the line.

0:29:490:29:51

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:510:29:54

-Now the Maserati...

-Yes.

0:29:540:29:57

-The Maserati did it in 1.23.1. So it goes there.

-Not bad.

0:29:570:30:04

Nearly as quick as a Ferrari 430 in fact.

0:30:040:30:06

-Come on, then.

-The Mercedes...

0:30:060:30:08

-1.21 dead.

-What?!

0:30:080:30:11

Look at that. It's between the 599 and an SLR.

0:30:110:30:17

What?! Hang on. No, no. Hang on.

0:30:170:30:19

How...? How did IT do that?

0:30:190:30:23

Because as I've explained to you many times, Hammond,

0:30:230:30:26

precision and technicality will always be beaten

0:30:260:30:29

by shouting and smoking and power.

0:30:290:30:32

Anyway, it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

0:30:320:30:36

My guest tonight is quite simply Doctor Who,

0:30:360:30:40

which explains how he was able to travel back in time to the 1980s

0:30:400:30:44

and steal Phil Oakey's hair. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Smith!

0:30:440:30:48

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:480:30:51

-Hello, hello, hello! How are you?

-Hello, big man.

-It's good to see you.

0:30:510:30:55

-Thank you for having me on.

-It's a pleasure! Doctor Who is among us!

0:30:550:30:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:590:31:01

He is!

0:31:010:31:04

You're not wearing your Doctor Who outfit!

0:31:060:31:09

No, mate, just me civvies.

0:31:090:31:12

And I've got odd socks on cos I couldn't find them.

0:31:120:31:14

You're actually dressed more like...

0:31:140:31:16

Well, I've discovered you are a football enthusiast.

0:31:160:31:19

Oh, big! Yeah, a massive football enthusiast.

0:31:190:31:22

Did you ever play properly?

0:31:220:31:25

I played for... I mean, yeah.

0:31:250:31:27

I went through the youth academies and I played for Forest and I played for Leicester.

0:31:270:31:32

-MUTED CHEER

-Hooray!

0:31:320:31:34

-There's actually a Leicester City supporter here?

-LAUGHTER

0:31:340:31:38

He's here! I should say it that way round.

0:31:380:31:41

You played and then what happened?

0:31:410:31:43

I had a back injury called spondylitis,

0:31:430:31:46

-or it's some sort of strange name.

-Was it caused by your hair going all on one side?

0:31:460:31:51

Yeah, I was injured for a year, and God bless my dad,

0:31:510:31:55

he'd drive me up from school every day when I was playing at Leicester and I'd get the treatment there.

0:31:550:32:01

But I just never recovered, and so they let me go.

0:32:010:32:04

Do you reckon you could've been a footballist

0:32:040:32:07

-if your back hadn't have...?

-I hope so. I was captain at the time,

0:32:070:32:11

at Leicester under-15s, and, um...

0:32:110:32:14

You know, I had a great season. But who knows?

0:32:140:32:17

The one player that I played with,

0:32:170:32:19

and at Forest, we were two years unbeaten.

0:32:190:32:22

And the only player that went on to play in the Premiership was Jermaine Jenas, that was it.

0:32:220:32:27

-Yay.

-Howay.

0:32:270:32:29

LAUGHTER

0:32:290:32:30

Let's move off football and on to Doctor Who which is I'm sure where everyone wants to go.

0:32:300:32:35

-It's the longest-running sci-fi series in the world.

-That's correct.

0:32:350:32:39

-Is it 50 years now or next...?

-50 years, on, I think, it's November 23rd or 24th, 2013.

-50 years.

0:32:390:32:45

-And you're the youngest Doctor ever.

-I am the youngest carnation.

0:32:450:32:48

I'm in the Guinness Book Of Records which as child, I was like, "Yes!"

0:32:480:32:52

The youngest Doctor Who.

0:32:520:32:54

It's better than seeing how many beans you can put up your nose!

0:32:540:32:57

-LAUGHTER

-One of the things that fascinates me is that when I was growing up,

0:32:570:33:01

and Doctor Who had the Daleks on, I was, "It's a thing with a sink plunger!" I was terrified.

0:33:010:33:05

But now, even my youngest plays Call Of Duty and plays the Nazi zombies with dogs that explode.

0:33:050:33:10

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:33:100:33:12

Is it difficult to think of something that will scare a child

0:33:120:33:16

who has just finished shooting an alien in the face on a PlayStation?

0:33:160:33:21

Well, no... Yes, perhaps, but...

0:33:210:33:23

Doctor Who isn't scary in the way

0:33:230:33:24

that there's blood and guts and people getting blown up.

0:33:240:33:27

And actually, how scary is that?

0:33:270:33:30

"Scary" is in tension. That's why I think the angels are really scary.

0:33:300:33:34

Cos when you're not looking at them they go, thumpthumpthump, like that.

0:33:340:33:37

Yeah, that is quite scary.

0:33:370:33:39

What's the grinning doll one called?

0:33:390:33:41

Which one?

0:33:410:33:43

It looks a bit like Richard Hammond.

0:33:430:33:45

-LAUGHTER

-There were some dolls in this one,

0:33:450:33:48

the peg dolls, or there's the scarecrows,

0:33:480:33:51

which was a Tennant episode.

0:33:510:33:53

And then Cybermen aren't scary.

0:33:530:33:56

-Yes, but...

-They are not! Somebody said they are, but they aren't.

0:33:560:34:00

It's like, they're here, right, and they come at you like this.

0:34:000:34:04

They're slow, I know.

0:34:040:34:05

You could just walk away. "Oh, there's a Cyberman there, I'll just stroll over here."

0:34:050:34:08

-Never apply logic to Who, because...

-I suppose.

0:34:080:34:12

Presumably a lot goes with being Doctor Who that's not just playing Doctor Who.

0:34:120:34:16

Everywhere you go, you've got to have children saying, "Who's the scariest monster?"

0:34:160:34:21

Yes! I don't know if I should even say this, but I got home last night,

0:34:210:34:24

got to my door, and there was little girl of about 12 or 13

0:34:240:34:28

reading a book in a bush.

0:34:280:34:30

And she said, "Don't worry, I'm not a homeless person."

0:34:300:34:33

Then she said, "Could you just say, 'Hey, I'm the Doctor.'?"

0:34:330:34:36

So I just sort of said, "Hey! I'm the Doctor."

0:34:360:34:40

-LAUGHTER

-Then went, "Go home!"

0:34:400:34:44

That is quite scary. You could get into trouble for that.

0:34:440:34:48

-Anyway, we had Michael Fassbender on last week.

-I know, he did well.

0:34:480:34:52

He did well and he's not the only one that's appeared naked in a film recently.

0:34:520:34:56

You have too, in The Womb, you had your Time-Lord sausage out.

0:34:560:35:00

It was with Eva Green, who played a Bond girl.

0:35:000:35:03

-A very beautiful woman.

-She was, in Casino Royale.

0:35:030:35:06

The first scene of the first day,

0:35:060:35:08

we're on the most northerly point of Germany and it's Baltic cold.

0:35:080:35:12

It's March. And I've got to get in the sea.

0:35:120:35:15

So I get there, I go in the sea,

0:35:150:35:17

-freeze my

-BLEEP

-off, come out,

0:35:170:35:20

and then do this scene with Eva Green!

0:35:200:35:22

And what can you do but apologise and go, "It's normally much more majestic!"

0:35:220:35:27

LAUGHTER

0:35:270:35:29

It was awful! This beautiful French woman and you're like...

0:35:290:35:32

I saw...I saw in the film,

0:35:320:35:35

-you see her eyes, I come and she goes...

-You what?

0:35:350:35:39

LAUGHTER

0:35:390:35:41

-I come out of the water.

-I see, I'm with you, and she's like...

0:35:410:35:44

-Yeah, it was crap, basically.

-LAUGHTER

0:35:460:35:49

Now, cars.

0:35:490:35:51

As you're such a young Doctor Who, I can't imagine your car history's particularly brilliant.

0:35:510:35:55

Well, no. The first car I had was... I passed at 18 and I got a Corsa which I bought brand new.

0:35:550:36:02

And I've got to say, it was a brilliant little motor,

0:36:020:36:06

-and it's still going. It's still going.

-So, this was a ten-year-old Vauxhall Corsa?

0:36:060:36:10

Yeah, my sister's driving it about and I broke the wing mirror,

0:36:100:36:14

so I just taped it with gaffer tape and had it like that for four years. My friends would call it "The Shed".

0:36:140:36:19

-Was it much bigger on the inside than on the outside?

-Sadly not.

-What do you dream of owning?

0:36:190:36:25

Do you know what I'd like most of all? I'd like an old 911. I know it's a point of contention...

0:36:250:36:29

You may as well have an old one cos the new one is exactly the same.

0:36:290:36:33

They're sexy cars.

0:36:330:36:36

Especially the old 911, from what was it?

0:36:360:36:39

-In the '90s.

-They're the same as they are now! And it's not new.

0:36:390:36:45

-Obviously, of course, you came here to do your lap.

-Yeah.

0:36:450:36:49

-How did it go?

-I was getting frustrated. I spun off a couple of times.

0:36:490:36:53

But I just thought, "Right, hell for leather!" But I think that was my problem.

0:36:530:36:58

A lot of the guests that come here struggle with the second-to-last corner.

0:36:580:37:02

-And we've got some footage of you attempting to get around there.

-Oh, God...

-Anyone like to see?

0:37:020:37:06

ALL: Yes!

0:37:060:37:09

Let's have a look at Matt coming up to the second-to-last corner.

0:37:090:37:11

And...

0:37:110:37:13

run a bit wide there.

0:37:130:37:14

Now that was attempt number one, there.

0:37:140:37:17

And then that's Gambon with a new line.

0:37:170:37:20

There we are, not crossing the line. Here we are again.

0:37:200:37:23

-Oh, you,

-BLEEP!

0:37:230:37:26

See, that's quite angry. Oh, dear, now...

0:37:260:37:29

Fishtanking.

0:37:290:37:31

APPLAUSE

0:37:310:37:33

I really admire...

0:37:330:37:34

I do admire a man who goes, "No, I can do it!"

0:37:340:37:37

Who here would like to see Matt's lap?

0:37:390:37:42

ALL: Yes!

0:37:420:37:44

-Play the tape.

-Oh, no...

0:37:440:37:45

TYRES SQUEAL

0:37:450:37:47

Now, let's see if we can see any evidence of this aggressive driving.

0:37:470:37:51

Right, concentrate. Calm.

0:37:510:37:53

# We're singing in the rain... #

0:37:540:37:56

-That's not a bad idea, actually.

-# Just singing in the rain... #

0:37:560:38:00

I was getting too annoyed, you see.

0:38:000:38:01

TYRES SCREECH

0:38:010:38:03

-Couple of bites at turning in there.

-Wide, wide, wide...

0:38:030:38:05

-TYRES SCREECH

-That's a tortured tyre, but it is clinging on well.

0:38:050:38:09

I'm just sort of braking around it.

0:38:090:38:11

HE HUMS "SINGING IN THE RAIN"

0:38:110:38:14

-TO TUNE OF "SINGING IN THE RAIN":

-# ..And down to second gear... #

0:38:140:38:17

-TYRES SCREECH

-Ooh, running a bit wide there.

0:38:170:38:20

Listen to those tyres! They're working for a living today.

0:38:200:38:24

This is the Hammerhead coming up.

0:38:240:38:26

It's like an angry shark. Oh, yeah...

0:38:260:38:30

TYRES SCREECH

0:38:300:38:33

That's actually quite nicely done.

0:38:330:38:35

-In, a lot of understeer at the first part and...

-Argh!

0:38:350:38:39

..OK on the way out.

0:38:390:38:41

ENGINE REVS

0:38:410:38:44

-And we're going to hit Gambon like a

-BLEEP

-train.

0:38:440:38:48

'Come on!'

0:38:480:38:50

Like to see a man planning ahead - we're only at the Follow-through,

0:38:500:38:53

still got that to do. And the tyres... Long way.

0:38:530:38:57

Good cutting.

0:38:590:39:01

-Yeah, yeah...

-Into second.

-..You're in very soon.

0:39:020:39:07

You can leave it in third actually for Gambon.

0:39:070:39:09

And lots of understeer again, but across the line!

0:39:090:39:13

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:39:130:39:15

Now, you are by no means the first Doctor Who we've had down here.

0:39:200:39:25

You've had Chris and David.

0:39:250:39:27

Yeah, we've had Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant.

0:39:270:39:30

We've even had Billie Piper.

0:39:300:39:31

-Former assistant.

-Yeah, I've driven with Billie. She's quick.

0:39:310:39:36

She did it in the Lacetti in one... I haven't got my glasses on.

0:39:360:39:40

It was either a 1:46 or a 1:48. Has anyone got any glasses?

0:39:400:39:44

-She did it in 1:48.3. Actually, she was the quickest.

-1:48.3, what were the others?

0:39:440:39:50

Eccleston was 1:52.4, in the Liana,

0:39:500:39:53

and Dave was 1:48.8.

0:39:530:39:57

1:48.8... So where do you think YOU'VE come?

0:39:570:40:00

Actually, you're in a new car. Cos they did it in the Liana or the Lacetti.

0:40:000:40:03

-So where do think you've come?

-I have no idea.

0:40:030:40:06

I know I'm nowhere near Fassbender.

0:40:060:40:08

Oh, I don't really want to be below Louis Walsh.

0:40:080:40:12

LAUGHTER

0:40:120:40:13

-Where is Louis Walsh?

-At 1:47.7, that wasn't that rapid.

0:40:130:40:20

-You did it...

-Hm...

0:40:200:40:22

1...

0:40:220:40:23

40...

0:40:230:40:26

So that's good.

0:40:260:40:28

..3...

0:40:300:40:32

-Point 7.

-Get in!

0:40:320:40:34

Matt Smith, the fastest Doctor Who!

0:40:340:40:36

-And you go right up there.

-I'll take that.

0:40:360:40:40

-I'll take that, absolutely!

-That's a bloody good time.

0:40:400:40:45

Yeah! Get in!

0:40:450:40:46

That was a good time. Up there with Ryan Reynolds, exactly the same.

0:40:460:40:50

And it's weird, because normally,

0:40:500:40:52

when a lap looks boring and slow and steady, they're the quick ones.

0:40:520:40:56

Yours looked properly aggressive.

0:40:560:40:58

So, do you drive the TARDIS like that? Is it the full, "Give it some!"

0:40:580:41:02

Absolutely, that's the only way to drive the TARDIS.

0:41:020:41:04

That's why it's always broken. You're always having to hit it with your screwdriver!

0:41:040:41:09

-It's been a huge pleasure to have you on, the fastest Doctor Who we've ever had.

-I'm chuffed with that.

0:41:090:41:13

Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Smith!

0:41:130:41:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:41:150:41:19

When we heard the news that Saab had closed down,

0:41:280:41:32

Jeremy and I were genuinely very sad.

0:41:320:41:35

Although we weren't actually sure why, so we went to investigate.

0:41:350:41:40

Saab began as an aeroplane maker.

0:41:420:41:45

But after WWII, it noticed that demand for fighter planes had dropped off dramatically.

0:41:450:41:51

So it decided to start making cars as well.

0:41:510:41:55

The first effort was created by two men -

0:41:550:41:58

one who designed wings and one who designed bomb racks.

0:41:580:42:02

Neither had done a car before and it kind of showed.

0:42:020:42:05

Their prototype had enclosed front wheels which was very aerodynamic,

0:42:070:42:13

but as you drove along in winter, snow would build up in the arches

0:42:130:42:16

and it was only when you got to a corner when you noticed the steering had jammed.

0:42:160:42:21

There were other issues too - the rear window was tiny

0:42:210:42:24

and there was no boot lid.

0:42:240:42:27

Mass production wasn't their bag either.

0:42:310:42:35

While Austin made a car every 27 seconds, it took Saab 27 minutes.

0:42:350:42:39

Oh, and all their cars were painted green.

0:42:390:42:43

So, a green car with no boot you could use,

0:42:460:42:49

and in bad weather, no steering.

0:42:490:42:51

But the biggest problem in those early days was the engine.

0:42:510:42:56

As James shall now explain.

0:42:560:42:58

This is the 92. It was Saab's first production car,

0:43:000:43:04

and it came with a thirsty two-stroke engine

0:43:040:43:07

that produced just 25 horsepower.

0:43:070:43:09

The real problem is that the engine was only lubricated when you had your foot on the throttle.

0:43:110:43:16

In a two-stroke, engine oil is mixed with the fuel,

0:43:160:43:20

so if there's no fuel going in, there's no oil going in.

0:43:200:43:23

This wasn't an issue when you were driving along on a level like this,

0:43:230:43:27

or going up a hill, because you had your foot on the throttle and you had the fuel and oil going in.

0:43:270:43:31

But once you were going downhill, you had a problem as you had to brake with your left foot, but...

0:43:330:43:38

Whoa! ..Keep the power on with your right foot

0:43:380:43:41

so that the engine still got some oil.

0:43:410:43:43

Whoa... This is very tricky.

0:43:430:43:46

And it feels stupid. I'm driving and stopping at the same time.

0:43:460:43:51

Then you'll arrive at the bottom of the hill with your brakes completely boiled over

0:43:510:43:56

and your 65mph Saab would be absolutely unable to stop.

0:43:560:44:01

It's hopeless.

0:44:010:44:02

'Saab's history is littered with terrible mistakes like this.'

0:44:020:44:06

'There was the 900 convertible,

0:44:080:44:10

'which was as rigid as a week-old salad.

0:44:100:44:13

'There was the Sonnet,

0:44:130:44:15

'which was supposed to have been a sports car...but wasn't.'

0:44:150:44:19

'And then in then in 1992, they even made a car with no steering wheel.'

0:44:200:44:24

DISCORDANT MUSIC

0:44:240:44:27

In fact, the more you drive this...

0:44:350:44:37

..the easier it becomes.

0:44:390:44:40

The temptation is to just stare at the bonnet in wonderment

0:44:400:44:43

that you can actually have any directional control at all.

0:44:430:44:46

So, lots of Swedish strangeness, and an advertising campaign that didn't make much sense either.

0:44:480:44:54

'Only one aircraft manufacturer makes cars.

0:45:000:45:03

'Sierra-Alpha-Alpha-Bravo.'

0:45:030:45:07

Yes, Saab loved to remind us

0:45:080:45:11

that their cars came from a company that made jet fighters.

0:45:110:45:14

But it was nonsense.

0:45:140:45:16

This jet fighter, for example, had an engine made by Volvo.

0:45:160:45:20

'Saab. It's a pity other cars aren't built this way.'

0:45:200:45:24

The idea was that you were buying "a jet fighter for the road",

0:45:240:45:29

but were you?

0:45:290:45:31

So, James, you have a pilot's licence

0:45:310:45:34

-and I believe you've been in a Typhoon, a fighter aircraft.

-Yes.

0:45:340:45:39

Is there anything in here that puts you in mind of that plane?

0:45:390:45:42

-No.

-What, nothing?

0:45:440:45:46

No.

0:45:460:45:48

Is the key down here on a Typhoon?

0:45:480:45:52

No.

0:45:520:45:53

Do you have to lock the Typhoon in reverse before you take the key out?

0:45:530:45:58

-No, it doesn't have reverse, as such.

-It has reverse thrust.

0:45:580:46:02

Yeah, but it doesn't have a reverse gear. It doesn't have a key, actually.

0:46:020:46:06

So, this is really not the same.

0:46:060:46:10

However, it does have a night panel button.

0:46:100:46:14

It shuts down all the dials apart from the speedo.

0:46:140:46:17

Now, I can see this would be useful if you were in

0:46:170:46:21

an F-14 over the Pacific

0:46:210:46:23

looking for the landing lights on your aircraft carrier.

0:46:230:46:26

But on the A38 outside Derby, why would you want that?

0:46:260:46:31

I used to worry it was all just broken anyway. How do you know?

0:46:310:46:37

I went in an F-15 once,

0:46:370:46:39

it was very different because nothing in here is covered in sick.

0:46:390:46:44

Even after Saab was taken over by General Motors in the late '80s,

0:46:440:46:50

their marketing men kept at it.

0:46:500:46:52

Breathtaking acceleration.

0:46:520:46:55

Here, an F-22 Raptor, not built by Saab, being used to advertise

0:46:550:46:59

what is basically a Vauxhall Cavalier.

0:46:590:47:02

Saab, pure driving pleasure.

0:47:020:47:05

So, Saab, a chequered history, bonkers advertising

0:47:060:47:10

and lots of harebrained ideas.

0:47:100:47:12

But for every idea they had that didn't work,

0:47:120:47:15

they had another which did.

0:47:150:47:18

Often brilliantly.

0:47:180:47:21

And one of the most brilliant ideas of them all was this.

0:47:210:47:25

The 99 Turbo.

0:47:270:47:30

Saab weren't the first to turbocharge a car,

0:47:310:47:34

that was Chevrolet and BMW and Porsche.

0:47:340:47:38

But they were the first to put a turbocharger on a mainstream car, which was this.

0:47:380:47:43

It was thanks to this car that everything in the '80s

0:47:430:47:47

went turbo-crazy.

0:47:470:47:49

-The word "turbo" came to mean anything that was really good.

-It did.

0:47:490:47:53

I had a turbo vacuum cleaner, which was fair enough,

0:47:530:47:56

but my mate had turbo sunglasses!

0:47:560:47:59

It said it on the lens.

0:47:590:48:02

-You also got turbo razors.

-Turbo aftershave.

0:48:020:48:07

-Did you?

-Well, I didn't because I don't wear aftershave

0:48:070:48:09

because I'm not from Cheshire!

0:48:090:48:12

There was more, because you could even buy your Turbo

0:48:120:48:16

'with water injection.' I don't understand that.

0:48:160:48:19

I could explain it but you're not interested.

0:48:190:48:22

-No, I am.

-You're not!

-I am interested.

0:48:220:48:24

Water injection in the inlet cools the charger

0:48:240:48:28

-and it's the job later done by...

-I'm not interested!

0:48:280:48:33

All we need to know is that with water injection this

0:48:340:48:37

turbo-charged pocket rocket could get from 0 to 60 in eight seconds.

0:48:370:48:42

That's quick, even by today's standards.

0:48:420:48:47

-It accelerates faster than a modern Mini Cooper.

-Yeah.

0:48:470:48:50

And a Renaultsport Twingo 133. This is a fast car.

0:48:500:48:54

It is quick.

0:48:570:49:00

Now, there is some Saab weirdness.

0:49:010:49:04

The steering wheel comes out of the dashboard at an angle.

0:49:040:49:07

-It's like that. And there's a button here that says extra.

-Extra what?

0:49:070:49:13

-It doesn't say. It just says extra.

-Try it.

-Ready?

-Yes.

0:49:130:49:18

You haven't got any more interesting or attractive!

0:49:210:49:25

Little details aside, this is a fantastic car.

0:49:250:49:29

This is a truly fantastic car. It's a legendary car.

0:49:290:49:34

I used to covet this massively.

0:49:340:49:37

It wasn't just the speed I liked, either.

0:49:390:49:42

Because when you look at the bumpers

0:49:420:49:44

sticking out like a spoiled child's bottom lip,

0:49:440:49:47

you get a sense the Scandinavian engineers

0:49:470:49:49

cared about the safety of you and your family.

0:49:490:49:53

I had my first proper road accident in one of these.

0:49:550:49:58

I was a passenger here on this side.

0:49:580:50:01

I was only 17 and it belonged to my girlfriend's dad.

0:50:010:50:05

It was quite a rare car and it was lovely, white with a blue stripe.

0:50:050:50:10

The interior was this brick-red dusty colour.

0:50:100:50:13

And it was a really nice car. We went around a roundabout

0:50:130:50:16

and a car coming up the road didn't stop and T-boned us here.

0:50:160:50:19

-I was perfectly OK.

-You would be in a Saab. What was the girl called?

0:50:190:50:24

Uh...

0:50:260:50:28

Kate? No...

0:50:280:50:30

You can remember the Saab had brick red upholstery and had a blue stripe

0:50:300:50:35

and where you were sitting but not the name of the girlfriend.

0:50:350:50:38

Was she called Derek?!

0:50:380:50:39

Because this car was fast and safe and a bit left-field,

0:50:420:50:46

it brought the Saab brand to the attention of

0:50:460:50:49

a very specific type of customer.

0:50:490:50:51

A customer who has remained loyal ever since.

0:50:510:50:54

This person likes Audis.

0:50:540:50:56

This one likes Ferraris.

0:50:560:50:58

This one likes the bus.

0:50:580:51:00

This one has a Honda.

0:51:000:51:02

He has a Peugeot.

0:51:020:51:03

And then this chap with the black polo neck

0:51:030:51:06

and the thin specs.

0:51:060:51:08

He is an architect, and he likes Saabs.

0:51:080:51:12

# All the leaves are brown... #

0:51:120:51:18

Research has shown that Saab drivers are the best educated people on the roads.

0:51:180:51:23

The 99 gave Saab customers other companies could only dream about.

0:51:260:51:31

This car, then, was Saab's Dark Side Of The Moon.

0:51:310:51:36

Their first big hit, the one we all remember.

0:51:360:51:41

None of the models that followed the 99 Turbo appeared to have quite the same appeal.

0:51:420:51:48

But they did.

0:51:480:51:51

'What we have here is a 1980s BMW

0:51:510:51:54

'hanging upside down eight feet from the ground.

0:51:540:51:58

'And what we are going to do is drop it.'

0:51:580:52:01

You wouldn't want to be in that if it fell from a crane upside down.

0:52:050:52:08

If you were Richard Hammond, you'd be all right.

0:52:080:52:12

Yeah, that's toast. The steering wheel is touching the ceiling.

0:52:120:52:16

'So, let's see what happens

0:52:170:52:19

'when we drop a 1980s Saab 900 from the same height.'

0:52:190:52:23

God, I really wouldn't have believed that.

0:52:290:52:31

-I would not have believed that in a million years.

-Look at that.

0:52:310:52:35

-I think you could get out as well.

-That is stunning.

0:52:350:52:39

Saab made the pillars so strong that when they went rallying

0:52:390:52:44

-they didn't have to fit a roll cage.

-Is that true?

-Yeah.

0:52:440:52:46

They had to fit one because of regulations but it wasn't necessary.

0:52:460:52:51

I was talking the other day

0:52:510:52:53

to a friend who is a senior designer with another Swedish car company

0:52:530:52:57

and he said nobody could ever work out why Saab cost so much until they crashed it.

0:52:570:53:04

Saab were always pathological about safety.

0:53:050:53:08

Before putting a car on sale they made sure it could survive just about anything.

0:53:080:53:14

Even a head-on collision with a moose.

0:53:150:53:17

This attention to detail caused a few problems

0:53:220:53:24

when they conceived the 9000.

0:53:240:53:27

Because, to save costs, it was designed in tandem

0:53:270:53:30

with the Lancia Thema.

0:53:300:53:32

The idea was that behind the different badges

0:53:340:53:37

and underneath the bodies, the cars would actually be the same.

0:53:370:53:43

And it seemed like they were - up until the point that they were crash-tested.

0:53:430:53:48

Lancia's engineers described the results as perfect.

0:53:480:53:52

Saab's engineers described them as - I'm quoting directly here - "not good at all."

0:53:520:53:57

And from that moment on, the joint venture completely fell apart.

0:53:570:54:01

The Saab ended up with much bigger wheels than the Lancia.

0:54:030:54:07

It was also made out of thicker steel

0:54:070:54:09

and had a completely different rear axle.

0:54:090:54:12

Sticking to principles like that is expensive.

0:54:120:54:16

Saab was losing money hand over fist on every car it made.

0:54:160:54:21

Even advertising it as a jet fighter for the road didn't help.

0:54:230:54:26

Saab 9000.

0:54:290:54:31

So, in 1989, Saab was bailed out by General Motors.

0:54:310:54:37

To try and larch some fiscal sense into them,

0:54:370:54:40

a team executives from GM went over to Sweden and said,

0:54:400:54:44

"This is a Cavalier from our Vauxhall division."

0:54:440:54:47

"To make your new car, you change the body and the badges. That's it."

0:54:470:54:53

Nice and cheap. Body and badges.

0:54:530:54:56

Saab ignored them so completely that their new 900

0:54:560:55:00

shared only a third of its components with the Cavalier.

0:55:000:55:05

When the time came to replace the 900 with the 93,

0:55:050:55:09

the General Motors executives went to Sweden again and said,

0:55:090:55:13

"Here is the Vauxhall Vectra. This time we mean it.

0:55:130:55:18

"Only change the body and the badges. Nothing else."

0:55:180:55:23

Guess what? The Swedes went even more mental.

0:55:230:55:27

They changed so much that even the wheelbase was different.

0:55:270:55:32

At one point, a General Motors accountant went to Sweden

0:55:320:55:35

to see why Saab was costing them so much money.

0:55:350:55:39

He got into the new 93, turned on the Sat Nav

0:55:390:55:42

and thought, "Wait a minute, that's not one of our systems."

0:55:420:55:46

He was right, it wasn't.

0:55:460:55:47

Saab had developed, at vast expense, their own system

0:55:470:55:51

because they thought GM's wasn't good enough.

0:55:510:55:55

Eventually, General Motors had had enough.

0:55:570:56:00

In 2010, as Saab was finishing the job

0:56:000:56:03

of turning the Vauxhall Insignia into the completely different 95,

0:56:030:56:07

the Detroit giants pulled the plug.

0:56:070:56:11

The brand itself will have some residual value,

0:56:120:56:15

the company's facilities are likely to be broken up and sold.

0:56:150:56:18

At the last minute, a buyer was found,

0:56:200:56:22

a Dutchman who owned a small car company called Spyker.

0:56:220:56:26

To get the money rolling in,

0:56:260:56:28

he needed to get the new 95 into the showrooms as quickly as possible.

0:56:280:56:33

That meant it went on sale before it was finished.

0:56:340:56:38

And that meant it was a commercial flop.

0:56:380:56:41

And so in January of this year, Saab closed down for good.

0:56:410:56:46

-So, this is the last ever Saab that we are in right now.

-Yeah.

0:56:530:56:58

This is the final chapter. I really like the way they did things.

0:57:000:57:07

-I am going to miss Saab.

-It is a sad day.

-It is sad.

0:57:110:57:17

It is a sad day, too, for the Swedish town of Trollhattan

0:57:210:57:24

where for 60 years the workforce has tried to be different, to be better.

0:57:240:57:30

To think outside the box.

0:57:300:57:32

And, of course, it's very sad for our architect friend who,

0:57:350:57:40

from now on, will have to buy a five series.

0:57:400:57:44

Still, there's one crumb of comfort because let's not forget

0:57:440:57:47

whose engines powered the first-ever jet fighter.

0:57:470:57:51

BMW.

0:57:510:57:54

APPLAUSE

0:58:000:58:01

Genuinely sad.

0:58:010:58:04

APPLAUSE MASKS THEIR SPEECH

0:58:040:58:08

You ought to know that the Messerschmitt 262

0:58:080:58:11

was supposed to use BMW engines but it didn't work.

0:58:110:58:14

It had Junker's engines when it went into action.

0:58:140:58:16

James, we haven't got time for your precise history of aviation since 1944!

0:58:160:58:20

What I'm interested in, those architects who've got Saabs today,

0:58:200:58:24

if the company has gone, will they be able to keep their cars on the road?

0:58:240:58:28

Well, you might imagine

0:58:280:58:31

if you had a Saab you could take it to a Vauxhall dealer

0:58:310:58:34

but because Saab changed so much, you may as well take it to WHSmith.

0:58:340:58:37

-They would be more likely to be able to service it.

-The good news is

0:58:370:58:41

a new company has started up specifically to

0:58:410:58:44

provide parts for Saabs.

0:58:440:58:47

If you are an architect, fingers crossed, you should be OK for a bit.

0:58:470:58:51

That's the second week on the trot we have ended with a useful piece of consumer advice!

0:58:510:58:57

-It's weird.

-And on that bombshell, it is time to end.

0:58:570:59:00

Thank you so much for watching. Good night!

0:59:000:59:03

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