Episode 4 Top Gear

Tonight, I wear a hat...

James wears a hat...

and Richard is behind a low wall.

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Hello and thank you so much, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you and welcome.

Now, last week you may remember we asked James May to test

an exciting, fast Vauxhall

and he ended up reviewing a slow, small Fiat.

Well, this week, we asked him to go to Florida

and try out a new type of electric car.

We said to him, "James, this time, can you try to stay on topic?"

Here it is - it's called the Fisker Karma,

and let's not be having any debate - it looks fantastic.

But maybe that's not surprising, because the company that makes it

was set up not by an engineer, as usual, but by a designer.

He was responsible for the Aston Martin V8 Vantage

and the BMW Z8 roadster, so obviously he knows his way around a pencil.

'But it's not the looks we're interested in -

'it's what goes on underneath that bodywork.'

As with most electric cars,

underneath here is a great big slab of batteries, and you can plug those

into a socket at your house or your office and recharge them and then

you have a range of 50 miles - which doesn't sound very good, does it?

But then, if I just touch this lever here,

I engage a two-litre petrol engine, which is under the bonnet.

'But unlike, say, a Toyota Prius,

'the engine isn't connected to the wheels.

'Instead, it drives an electricity generator.'

At this point, the display is telling me I only have nine miles

of range left, and normally I'd be going, "Oh, God, will I make it?"

But no, because I know with a touch of that paddle, or even leaving it

to its own devices, the petrol engine will make more electric.

'So, it's driven by electric motors,

'but it has its own on-board power station.'

You might be thinking you've sort of heard something like that before.

Well, you have.

'Yes, I'm talking about the Hammerhead Eagle i-Thrust,

'which, I might point out, was also fitted with its own

'electricity generator - and that was two years ago.'

There is no polite way of putting this. Fisker have, very blatantly,

brazenly, I'd say - copied my idea for a long-range electric car.

Except they didn't have theirs styled by Jeremy, but the technology is exactly the same.

As my lawyers will be making very clear quite soon.

'Admittedly, the Fisker is much better built than the Eagle i-Thrust

'and it's probably the most politically correct car on earth.'

It has solar panels on the roof, because in the car,

all this stuff here runs off electricity

and that would drain the battery, but that can produce a sort of low-voltage circuit, if you like,

that can drive the radio and the sat-nav,

interior lights and your iPod, and even the little system

that recognises this key - that's being powered by the sun.

'And that is just the start of it.'

This version I have here is called the EcoChic -

they have actually called it that,

because it embraces a lot of very right-on and ethically-sound materials.

For example, the glitter in the metallic paint is made

with ground-up minute particles of recycled glass

and on the inside, we find a piece of wood trim that is only taken from

trees that have been burnt down in forest fires or felled by storms

and it's not varnished, because there is no varnish in nature.

These glass inserts have in them a fossilised leaf -

a leaf that has fallen of its own accord, not plucked.

And all of the interior fabrics are very, very funky

and most importantly, there are no animal products in there at all.

The only animal product in this car is me,

all of which ought to keep this chap here very happy indeed,

and yet I'm told if I go any closer than this,

he'll still probably have my leg off...

which just goes to prove that animals are ungrateful.

'Basically, if the Fisker was any more green,

'it would be chaining itself to a Japanese whaling ship.

'But I like being in it.'

It's just a very nice place to be, the Fisker -

it makes you realise that just putting leather on everything

is a terrible old cliche - it's what the Romans would have done.

'And on top of that, I like driving it.'

It's a nice-handling car, this.

It's not a Lotus, it's not a Ferrari 458, it's a GT car.

It's a GT car for long journeys, but that's nice to drive.

'And even though its arsenal of batteries mean it weighs 2.5 tonnes, it does shift along.'

The car will do 0-60 in just a tad over six seconds.

It doesn't have a very high top speed - only 125mph -

but the point is, electric motors produce excellent torque -

1,000-pound-feet, in fact, which is more than a Veyron.

I love electric-powered cars,

just the sort of slight whining, spaceship noise.

'Now, the price.

'All electric cars are expensive,

'and the Fisker - at £86,000 - is no exception.

'This means it'll appeal only to the well-heeled petrolhead,

'so since I was in Florida, I went to see one.'

Hello there, James, me bonny lad. What brings you to this neck of the woods?

'Yes, it's AC/DC frontman Brian Johnson.'

It's the first car I think I've ever seen that actually

looks like the drawings that you see before they come.

Yeah, it's good-looking, isn't it?

It really is a cracking-looking jam-jar, look at the state of that!

-Do want to try it?

-Absolutely! Do you want to try mine?

-Yeah!

All right, then. Well... Mine's different.

HE LAUGHS

This is fantastic!

This is a 1928 Le Mans-bodied 4.5-litre Bentley.

Brian really does use this every day -

he uses it to go down the shops, like, for a pint of milk.

HE GRINDS GEARS NOISILY

Go on, me son! Born to do it!

'Despite the mangled gear changes,

'I was very much enjoying living in the past.'

I can feel a moustache growing!

God, the smell is tremendous.

Hot castor oil.

Well-known laxative,

I'll have diarrhoea by the time we get there.

'Brian, however, wasn't coping so well with living in the future.'

Oh, Christ, now what happens?

I'm getting near the bottom of me battery level, oh, my word.

Right, now... And...

That means I have to do something, and I'm...

Bugger.

Wh...? What the heck is that?

I'm trying to follow James's instructions,

which were as clear as mud.

There he goes, flying by with his thumb up!

He's having a whale of a time and I'm trying to figure out this computer thing.

'Soon, the famous Geordie hat model wanted his Bentley back,

'but before we parted, I offered to show him what AC and DC can really do.'

I've put it in sport mode - that means as I pull away,

every bit of electricity available to this car

goes to maximum acceleration - 1,000-pound-feet of torque in the back wheels.

Yellow, yellow, yellow...green!

Johnson makes a good start, the Fisker takes it!

Come on, you little bugger!

I'm afraid Thunder Guts is a bit of a dwindling speck,

ladies and gentlemen.

Did you enjoy that, me son?

I did, although to be honest, I felt a bit cowardly.

Not as much as I enjoyed myself in this, I'll bet you.

Tell you what, your car looks heroic in my rear-view mirror.

-But also, I'm afraid, quite small.

-Yes!

-But it's starting to rain.

-It is, isn't it?

-And I don't have a hood.

Well, I do, but it takes 45 minutes to erect.

-See you back down the other end.

-See you back down the other end. Thanks guys, for that.

Got to start the BLEEP now.

APPLAUSE

-May!

-What?

-What's wrong with you?

You've done it again!

You're supposed to be driving a Fisker,

then you're in a Bentley with a rock star!

Next week, James is reviewing a Saab, OK, and halfway through,

he'll break off for a spot of scuba diving with Fergal Sharkey.

-Can I just... The Fister, right.

-It's Fisker - it's a K. It's a K.

LAUGHTER

I THOUGHT that was a stupid name!

-Let's just move on!

-Fisker. Can I just clear it up?

You have the traditional all-electric car,

like a Nissan Leaf and a G-Wiz, now that's just batteries

-and you have to charge them up at night, yeah?

-Yes.

Then you have stupid hybrids, like the Toyota Prius,

-which are normal cars that have electric motors for a bit of extra power, yeah?

-Yes.

So the Fisker is...what?

It's actually a petrol-engine car,

but in a normal car, you get the power from the engine to the back wheels

through a gearbox and shafts and so on.

-On this one, you use the generator and the electric motors.

-I'm lost.

It's a more efficient way of tapping the energy in the fuel.

That's why it accelerates like a 400 horsepower GT car, but it only uses as much fuel as...

I just don't understand how it works.

I can't dumb it down to your level, cos I'm scared of heights. That's the problem.

No, listen...

The energy, you use it to drive the wheels, you get more of it by using that system.

People get confused - they talk about electric energy...

Just tell him it's magic electric. It's magic electric pixies.

-There are fairies in the car.

-That's all you needed to say.

-That's not actually how it works.

-I'm not bothered, actually. I'm not interested. Let's do the news.

Now, there are proposals this week in the corridors of power

that anyone who passes their driving test

must be accompanied for the first few years on the road

by an experienced sober person who's over 25.

You can kind of see why they think that's a good idea, can't you?

That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard of. THE stupidest.

I have spent 17 years ferrying my daughter about.

Last month, she passed her driving test, which means it's now her turn to ferry me about,

-specifically to and from the pub.

-LAUGHTER

OK, now, what's the point if she gets to the pub

and she can't run me home if I've had a drink?

It doesn't work.

It's more complicated than that because she couldn't get to the pub to pick you up,

she couldn't drive there on her own anyway.

So she'd have to get an older boyfriend.

-Yeah.

-It'd be, "hello, Dad, have you met Keith? He's 53."

Why are YOU looking so excited?!

He's brought his teenager with him!

Are you just her experienced driver? Cos this is properly embarrassing for you.

Think of me as a kindly experienced driver, my dear. It works!

Seriously, though. The Government ought to recognise

that without the sort of young people who tear around in cars,

we wouldn't have won the Battle of Britain, that is a fact.

It is a fact, actually.

Teenagers, they sleep and they tear about, it's what they do.

Yeah, and they have more sex than us

and they don't get fat and they don't get hangovers.

Basically, everyone else, the rest of us are just old and bitter.

-Yes.

-Young is better.

-Young is better,

and the Government should, instead of saying that children have to

have old people with them when driving around, should just say to my daughter,

"go to the pub and pick your dad up".

I've got some news. Cadillac has made a concept car and here it is.

-It's called the CL.

-ALL: Ah! Ooh!

It looks astonishing.

It's got a twin turbo, a V6 in it. They say it's going back to their roots.

What, so it'll rock for five hours after you get out of it?!

-No...

-Does it have a 400-year-old woman from Florida in it?

No, no - it's about the sort of grandeur and splendour and scale.

It's 19 feet long, so it's enormous,

but it's only 50 inches high, so it's long and low and mean.

So they've built a plinth.

LAUGHTER

-Essentially.

-Yes.

-But it comes with a cigar humidor in it.

-What, in America?

That's like saying, this new car for Saudi Arabia, with a mini-bar!

You couldn't use it, could you? No.

This new car for Israel - the bonnet's made of...bacon.

Yeah, don't smoke cigars in America, but a magnificent-looking thing.

That is the end of the news.

So, moving on, normally, when a new Ferrari is launched, we test it

on our track, but with this,

the new FF, we decided to push the boat out.

So we decided to take it to the largest,

most advanced automotive test facility in the world...

Arjeplog.

Arjeplog used to be a small Swedish mining town,

slap-bang in the middle of Europe's last great wilderness.

But since the 1980s, it's become the winter home of Mercedes, Volkswagen,

Toyota, General Motors, Ford and Fiat and Peugeot and Renault.

Whatever you drive, chances are, it was developed here.

Ordinarily, the population of this little town is 3,000,

but every year, as the snows begin to fall, 9,000 car engineers descend on the place

to make sure that next year's models start, stop, steer

and continue to work even when the temperature falls down to minus 30 degrees.

'So why have we brought this fragile thoroughbred here?

'Well, that's simple -

'because it's the first Ferrari ever to have four-wheel-drive.

'This means you can take it onto the test track,

'which is on an enormous frozen lake.'

Ooh, scary.

'And when you're there, you can do THIS.'

ENGINE ROARS

HE LAUGHS

I'm pulling shapes, I'm pulling shapes now.

Now, I have had more fun than this in my life, I know I have,

I just can't remember the moment when that was.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Normally, you wouldn't dream of driving

a 6.3-litre 650 horsepower V12 Ferrari, even in a light shower -

they're for cruising around Juan Les Pins

in your carefully designed topless swimsuit.

But this?! You can take this to San Moritz!

Drink Napoleon brandy without getting your lips wet. I'm on ice!

I've got the traction control off and I'm doing 100 miles an hour.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

And thanks to the four-wheel-drive system, I'm fine.

Although actually, I'm only sort of fine, because, if I'm honest,

this thing does have some slightly odd characteristics.

It's so...darting and... Aargh!

God.

This is very twitchy.

It's a dead straight line,

but look how much steering I'm having to do in this thing.

I'm endlessly adjusting the throttle, endlessly sawing away

at the wheel just to try and keep pointing in the right direction.

'The reason it feels odd is because Ferrari's four-wheel-drive system

'is unlike anything we've ever seen before.'

I'm going to sound like James May now, but bear with me.

In a normal four-wheel-drive car, the engine sends its power

through the gearbox to a transfer box, mounted somewhere here.

That splits the power.

Some of it goes down the shaft to the back wheels,

some of it down the shaft to those at the front.

Obviously, the shaft going to the front has to go underneath

the engine, which means the engine has to be raised.

Ferrari say that if you raise the engine,

that's bad for fuel economy, bad for styling,

bad for handling, bad for everything which they say matters.

'So in the FF, the power going to the back wheels comes out of the back of the engine

'and the power going to the front comes out of the front.'

This means it has to have two gearboxes.

Because the one at the front is only very little,

it can only ever handle 20% of the engine's power

and if you go into fifth, it shuts down completely.

'What it all means though, is that for the first time ever,

'you can do THIS with a Ferrari.

'But is Ferrari's very complicated solution really worth it?

'Bentley would argue that it isn't.

'This is the new Continental GT.

'It's a lighter, nimbler,

'sportier version of the car Wayne Rooney drives.'

Instead of the massive, thirsty,

heavy six-litre twin turbo W12 engine in his car,

this has a positively microscopic twin turbo four-litre V8.

'It also has a conventional four-wheel-drive system,

'so does that mean the engine's in the sky

'and the car wallows about like an elephant perched on a beach ball?'

Tell you what - let's find out.

Right now, it's very hard to see why Ferrari has gone to all

the trouble of reinventing the wheel, because...if I'm honest,

this does not handle like the Natural History Museum.

For a big, old bruiser like this, it's bloody good.

I've never been a fan of the Continental, but I'm loving this.

Makes a good noise as well - a dirty, dirty noise. That is a rude sound.

So what we have here are two cars that appear to be very similar.

They're both red,

they both have two doors,

four seats and four-wheel-drive -

but there are some differences.

One sings baritone,

one sings tenor.

The interior of the Bentley is simple, classical, elegant.

The interior of the Ferrari is a mess - all the knobs

are on the steering wheel, there's a rev-counter

in front of the passenger and most of the dials make no sense at all.

Weirdly though, the Ferrari is the most practical.

It's got a bigger boot than a Renault Scenic

and if you fold the back seats down,

it's long enough to accommodate what pass these days for skis.

However, the Ferrari is £227,000 -

that's £100,000 more than the Bentley.

'So, what about speed?

'Well, the next day, we carved a quarter-mile drag strip

'into the lake to find out.'

If this were a dry piece of Tarmac, the Ferrari would monster it.

REVS THE ENGINE

650 horsepower, this has 500.

Ferrari has more torque and it's lighter. Much, much lighter.

REVS THE ENGINE

Three, two, one - go!

Yes, traction control working well

for a blinding start for the Bentley.

Oh, my word, it's in the lead!

Come on, Bentley, come on!

Ooh...

Getting a bit wobbly now, and the Ferrari's coming!

Oh, no, I can't deal with that power.

Oh, he's got ten-slapper on!

He is wobbly.

But it's closer than I thought!

'In a straight line, then, the Ferrari is the quickest,

'but how would they compare on a circuit?

'Well, to find out, we need a track,

'and luckily, we have one - because what you see here,

'bulldozed from the snow, is an inch-perfect replica of Silverstone.'

Copse, flat-out in a Formula 1 car,

I'm doing 47...

and I've got a big slide on.

Whoo-hoo!

Come on!

Right, Chapel.

Chapel's a long right,

followed by a gentle left onto the Hangar Straight - this is uncanny.

Why don't they have Formula 1 races here?

That would be proper comedy!

Silverstone on ice.

Breaking point's a lot earlier here....

Argh, surely not!

Don't get stuck... Oh, you stupid, STUPID thing! Man.

'Having established that our ice version of Silverstone was all in order,

'we could now see which car could get round the fastest.'

To find out, we need a man skilled in the potent cocktail of big horsepower and little grip.

And luckily, just such a man is arriving now.

He's not the Stig's Alpine cousin, he's just the Stig.

MUSIC: "Super Trouper" by Abba

Apparently he's come all the way across the North Sea in that.

'Soon, we had him out of the hovercraft and into the Ferrari.'

5,

4.7,

2.3,

one, go!

'So, here we go.

'A genuine 208mph racehorse

'on one do-or-die lap.'

CAR STALLS

Did you go into fifth gear?

You went into fifth, didn't you?

I said, "don't go into fifth, it'll just become rear-wheel drive",

and then this'll happen.

'Eventually, we had him back on track and look how hard he's having to work.

'The Ferrari has incredibly complex electronics

'and that weird four-wheel-drive system, but this is not a car

'in which you can relax - you have to drive it, you have to work.'

So, four minutes and four seconds.

'Then, it was the turn of the Bentley.'

5,

4.8,

2.7,

one - go!

'The Continental is so much easier to drive,

'partly that's because it had better studded tyres than the Ferrari,

'but mostly cos it's simpler.

'It has that conventional four-wheel-drive system

'and a normal automatic gearbox, rather than a flappy paddle manual.

'This is a car in which you can sit back

'and let the machine do the work.

'It's V8 will even run on just four cylinders to save fuel,

'but not here - not with Stig at the wheel.

'Look at him! Not doing anything.

'But will it be faster? Can it be faster?

'Coming round Club now, so we'll know soon enough.'

You hateful imbecile!

Wow!

Now that is actually a surprise - the Bentley did it in 3.51,

so that's 9...13 seconds quicker.

When you are dancing on ice in Lapland, the Bentley is the fastest.

And I am glad about that because, of the two, this is my favourite.

I like it a lot.

However, if I was going on a skiing holiday,

I would not use either of these.

Because, if I wanted a car that would get me to St Moritz,

and then keep on working when I got there,

I would use what the crew has been using to film me here.

A Range Rover.

CHEERING

That was about as much fun as you can have.

13 hours to get there but, God, it was fun.

Interesting conclusion, though.

I have actually driven the Ferrari on a dry track,

and to be honest, it is not really a driver's car.

Neither is the Bentley,

and this is why I arrived at that conclusion.

If you don't want the last word in handling precision -

you just want four seats and something that works on snow -

you might as well have the Range Rover.

Fair enough. Can I get back to the Ferrari?

They have given it that wantonly complicated four-wheel-drive system,

just to lower the engine a bit?

I will not dumb it down any more for you, but that is the essence of it.

-It does seem a bit mad.

-It is.

I think this is too complicated for its own good.

Too big and expensive. It will depreciate like a chest of drawers falling off a cliff.

From some angles, it looks like an accident

in a Russian tractor factory.

It is not their finest hour.

They should have called it the Ferrari India Special. Erm...

Anyway, it is now time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.

My guest tonight has appeared in Inglourious Basterds, Shame,

X-Men, Haywire, in fact,

pretty well every film that has come out in the last six months.

He is half-German and half-Irish, so, ladies and gentlemen,

please say, "top of the morgen", to Michael Fassbender.

CHEERING

How are you? Have a seat.

Have a seat.

Now, in the olden days, and I know children watching will not

believe this, it was possible to go to the cinema

and see a film that did not have Michael Fassbender in it.

You first came to my attention, at least,

in Inglourious Basterds, with your...

Does everyone do that to you in the street?

Yes, exactly, and I still think, "What is he doing?"

"I have done 18 films since then!"

But Shame is the one people are talking about.

You had to do, honestly, a full frontal nude scene. Was it hard?

No. LAUGHTER

I mean, this is an impressive sausage.

I don't know what to say to that! Yes!

-So, can you say to your mum, "Would you like to see my new movie?"

-Yes.

Exactly, she was actually going to come and see it in Venice

and I said to my mum, "Sure, come and we will watch it together."

Enough months had passed for me to think it wouldn't be that bad.

Luckily, her back was playing up, she has a bad lower back,

and whether that was psychosomatic or not, I do not know.

But, thankfully, she didn't make it,

because the first thing my dad said, because he was behind me,

he leaned over and said, "Thank God your mother isn't here."

LAUGHTER

I have been doing this show for ten years,

and I think in all of that time, only three or four

of my friends have ever asked for tickets for the show.

This week, when people discovered you were coming on,

I had to get a minibus, and they're all girls.

"Can we come and look at his...?"

Lap time.

LAUGHTER

Yes, exactly.

Anyway, you have just done Shame,

where you spend the entire time naked.

Now you are in a film where you get to spank Keira Knightley.

Yes.

-That is called Dangerous Method?

-Dangerous Method.

-What is that about?

It is sort of focusing around Freud and Jung,

and one of their mutual patients, Sabina Spielrein, played by Keira,

and basically, that sort of relationship,

the meetings of minds between Freud and Jung, and then the fracturing

of that relationship, and she is kind of in the centre of it all.

I think we have a clip of the trailer, let us have a look.

-Sex?

-Male.

-Family?

-Child.

-Divorce?

-No.

Why should we put so much effort

into suppressing our most basic natural instincts?

There is a rumour you've taken one of your patients as a mistress.

-Don't you think we should stop?

-Do you want to stop?

Sometimes you have to do something unforgivable

just to be able to go on living.

CHEERING

I'll have some of that. I like a bit of psychoanalysis.

When you were reading the script for that and you got to the bit

where you spank Keira Knightley, how much more did you read

before you rang your agent to say you'd do it?

LAUGHTER

It wasn't in the script. I sort of insisted. "Then I'll do it!"

But you began, I think I am right in saying, on Holby City.

-And then you were in a Guinness advert.

-Yes.

Which must have been, well, perfect for you.

Yeah, I mean, I said to them,

"Is there anyway you could give me a Guinness credit card,

"with a white line along the top,

"which means I can have free Guinness for the rest of my life?"

-And did you get it?

-Negative.

-That is annoying.

-Yes, it was.

-Because you are not wholly Irish.

-I am half-German.

Half-German, half-Irish. That is quite an odd combination.

Like, "This must be done absolutely perfectly...tomorrow."

LAUGHTER

It is that slightly different...

One part of me wants to, you know, be very efficient

and the other side is a little bit reckless.

-And you're a Formula 1 fan?

-Yes.

-So, is it Irvine or Schumacher?

-Schumacher.

-Schumacher?

-Yes.

-So the German side comes out?

-Yes, exactly.

Still Schumacher, or have you no switched?

You know, I am still, I have to say, a Schumacher man.

I mean, I would still like to see him

get the car that he wants underneath him and really... I don't know

if it would be possible for him to get up to Vettel's level.

He has got it in him. He is seven time world champion. I am with you.

I think he is brilliant. Have you met him?

I was lucky to get invited to Silverstone last year

and he did come out of the Mercedes garage and I was running behind him, like a stalker.

And I was like, "Schumacher, Schumacher?" And he kept walking.

I was like, "Michael!" He turned. "I still think you're the best."

And he was kind of looking at me with a bit of a smile and there was a lot of fear in his eyes.

So, I did get the chance.

-He didn't do that?

-No, he didn't know who the hell I was.

LAUGHTER

Obviously, you are a big Formula 1 fan.

-As far as I can work out, you have only ever had one car?

-Yes.

It was a Peugeot 306 turbo diesel Spinnaker special edition.

LAUGHTER

What is that? Was that just a local dealer

putting "Spinnaker" on it and charging an extra £500?

Pretty much. I think it had different coloured seats.

Wow! Has it gone now?

-I crashed it. I did it in.

-And that's that?

-Yes.

And I said to the guy when I brought the car up, "These damn Peugeots".

He was like, "Well, the fellow at the Peugeot said they're not designed to go over the kerb at 50mph."

LAUGHTER

What do you get around on then if your car has been crashed?

I use the motorcycle.

I knew you would be happy about this(!)

I started with a Speed Triple,

and then I got the GS 1200 BMW Adventure.

-May's got one of those.

-Yes. It's an amazing piece of equipment.

For the weight of it, when it is moving, it is so well-balanced.

Are you allowed to ride bikes if you are involved in films all the time?

Cos I would say, "No. They're too dangerous."

Sometimes. I drove the Speed Triple to Berlin for Inglourious Basterds.

They were like, "We have the ticket..."

And it was, "No, he will make his own way there."

They were like, "OK."

And I turned up on the bike, and they went, "What the (BLEEP)!"

So, I couldn't ride when I was filming that.

No, I just wouldn't allow anybody I knew and liked to ride a motorcycle.

That is why I encourage May and Hammond to ride theirs as much as possible.

LAUGHTER

Obviously you came here to do your lap. How was the Stig out there?

He is amazing.

I think he was probably getting a bit fed up of me

because he's giving me the information

and I'm not putting it to use.

He's jealous, because your helmet is now more famous than his.

LAUGHTER

-I am talking about the one he wears in X-Men, the Magneto helmet.

-Yes.

Before you arrived, we had a bit of a problem.

We have some footage of the preparation

which we have never had to do before.

This is the second to last corner and it was just sheet ice.

We sent our boys out there to try to get rid of most of it

and it didn't help.

Well, I mean, I can't blame the ice, to be honest.

Who would like to see the lap?

ALL: Yes.

Let's have a look.

It looks dry. Was it slippery?

Sweating!

'It was only really the second-to-last corner

'where the ice was really playing.

'A few times, there was a bit too much squealing, it was like a pig.'

That's good. Keeping that tidy, very tidy, actually.

This is always a tricky one.

-A little bit wide.

-Yeah, way wide on that.

-A little bit. Not too bad.

HE SINGS

LAUGHTER

And Hammerhead. How are we going to cope there?

'I cut that a bit by the looks of it. A bit wide again.'

I would say that was all right.

I reckon. Yes, all looking smooth as hell.

Sweating like a cornered nun. LAUGHTER

Sweating like a cornered nun?! Where did you get that from.

Yep, two wheels off. Ooh, you can't cut that corner, can you?

-No, that's tricky.

-'I kept cutting that. That was a problem.'

That was all right through Gambon. And across the line!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Where do you reckon?

-I said I would be happy at about 1:45.

-OK, 1:45.

-Somewhere around there. I don't think it will happen now.

Well, it was... That ice on the second to last corner...

Letting me down gently, I like it.

Michael Fassbender, you did it in 1...

40...

2...

AUDIENCE: Woo!

..point 8.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is...

the third fastest time we ever had!

That's all right!

With ice on the second-to-last corner!

-Wow! I was not expecting that at all.

-That is a fantastic time.

-I am happy with that.

-I am thrilled you could come.

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Fassbender.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you.

Excellent.

Now, in this country we like to do everything

we possibly can to make life more pleasant for disabled people.

We have pelican crossings that beep,

ramps in front of public buildings, and buses that kneel down.

Yes, and there is even a range of off-road mobility scooters

so people with disabilities can get into the countryside and do rambling.

The problem is they don't look very off-roady to us.

This is hardly a Toyota Land Cruiser, is it?

-And they are fantastically expensive.

-This one is £6,500.

-Yes.

And that gave us an idea.

Could we do something genuinely worthwhile for once?

Could we build an off-road mobility scooter that doesn't cost a fortune?

Well, the producers told us we should go and do exactly that

and then meet up in Wales for a series of tests.

This is exactly the sort of damp,

muddy countryside that ramblists love.

Ideal conditions to test our machines.

This is what I have created. I built this from two scooters,

so I have ended up with two engines, four-wheel-drive -

the four at the back - and four-wheel steering -

the four at the front.

It's got chunky off-road lawnmower tyres, a sound system,

and binoculars for birdwatching. With that in mind, check this out.

This is a hide that fits over the top of the scooter,

so I can sneak up silently without frightening even

the most timid birds, a bird such as the pied wagtail, and the...

..the coot. Crikey!

'Stephen Hawking has arrived.'

-Were you not listening to the challenge?

-Yes.

It said, "mobility scooters, off-road."

Well, forgive me for taking it maybe a bit too seriously,

but as far as I can make out,

mobility scooters are for people who have difficulty walking.

I am concerned with people who have no choice but to be in this,

which is a wheelchair.

Why shouldn't people in wheelchairs be able to go rambling?

Right. I was with some disabled children the other day

and they are all confined to wheelchairs, all electric.

And they all say they wished they were a bit more "spunky",

was the word they used. "Fast" was actually the word they used.

This isn't fast. But it is versatile. That is the idea.

It can go anywhere. Once you get into the countryside...

-Don't do that.

-You have a coffee machine!

Yes, I've got everything. I've got drinks, satnav and comms, an electronic tablet.

-You mean an iPad?

-Exactly.

What's on the back?

A gravel dispenser that puts gravel under the wheels. I got the idea from railways.

-If you're a bit stuck...

-What is this handle for?

That is very clever, you see. When you are going up a steep part,

but want to remain level, that changes the angle of seat.

Then the peace of the morning was shattered

by the arrival of the local boy.

ENGINE RUMBLES

-That is him making that noise, isn't it?

-He looks like an idiot.

He is an idiot. He has built a half-track.

Hello!

I know.

Surely it is supposed to be A - electric,

and B - not for invading France?

Where did it say that it is supposed to be electric?

Isn't it in the regulations?

No, it isn't. Let me talk you through this.

The chassis is composed of two different vehicles.

A mobility trike here at the front end.

Then it is mated to one of those powered wheelbarrows builders use

for carting huge amounts of stuff over rugged terrain.

Obviously that gives it tremendous off-road capability,

-and in such an environment, you will need extras so I fitted a winch.

-Yes.

Not again! Have you mounted it to the front wings?

No, it is to the chassis this time. I have learned.

I have an inclinometer

because this can achieve incredible angles of lean.

This way and that way.

-Jerry cans for extra fuel.

-Can I just say - this is actually important -

We not only had to build machines that worked better

than what you could buy off-the-shelf off-road, but were cheaper.

This is the most important thing. Mine, all in, £2,700.

£2,400.

1,200 for the trike, 1,200 for the wheelbarrow,

the rest was just sweat and work.

-Interesting.

-What was yours?

-2,000, so that represents a massive saving.

There we are.

If you were disabled and wanted to go into the countryside... Exactly.

Obviously we would test our machines in the hills later

but first we had to make sure they worked in town.

This is very important.

A Range Rover doesn't just work in the countryside.

It has to work in the city as well. And so must this.

LOUD RUMBLING

I will do what I normally do in town which is go to the bakers.

Good morning. Do you have an iced finger?

Morning.

There are many regulations, as you would imagine,

this being Britain, governing the use of mobility scooters,

and this meets almost all of them.

I am good for width, good for length, and good for speed.

But I do have a problem with weight, and so does my scooter.

Excuse me. I hate to do this, because...

I am trying to get down there and I am a bit stuck. So sorry.

Sorry, sorry. It is not quite as easy as it looks. Sorry. Goodbye.

STAFF: Goodbye.

Policeman. I have to be careful of the speed limit.

I'm only allowed to do 4mph in built-up areas.

-That is more than four!

-Feel the speed!

The speed!

4mph, officer.

You look really uncomfortable.

-It is my first time.

-Well, there you go.

I have done that a few times.

-Your feet are going like this all the time, aren't they?

-Yes.

But it is all on this little wizard's hat thing.

Just down there? Come on! All right. OK, OK.

Three, two, one... Go!

Ha!

Oh, come on!

That's all I've got.

Here is the big test. Will it fit in a disabled lavatory?

Yep.

HE GASPS

Morning. Just browsing.

Oh, that's bad. Agh! I'm sorry!

ENGINE ROARS

Despite the mishaps...

..we decided our machines worked well in an urban environment.

So we headed back out to the fields, where my half-track was even better.

It seems able to tackle quite steep slopes, which is potentially good.

Easy. Plenty of torque from that petrol engine.

Adaptive suspension is working. Look at that.

That has just climbed up there as if it wasn't there.

Check my wildlife screen. I think that is a blackbird.

OK, I am driving now in stealth mode.

Of course, you can't see that

because I am so well camouflaged, and silent.

I have to say the four-wheel-drive system

is working magnificently well.

The ride is good. The grip is good. I have built a Land Rover, here.

Oh, no! I have run over my hide.

Since the hide clearly needed more work...

HE SHOUTS

BLEEP!

..the producers told me to get rid of it and then gave us a challenge.

You will now report to...

ATTEMPTS TO SAY WELSH PLACE NAME

-No.

-It's a Welsh name.

CLARKSON GAGS IN ATTEMPT TO SAY NAME

It is not clearing up, that, is it?

...where you will take part in an off-road race.

-Hey, hey!

-Hang on. It gets worse.

You will work as a team against a group of wounded servicemen

who will be using the off-the-shelf off-road scooters.

The terrain we would have to cross was brutal.

Wet grass, mud and steep, wooded slopes.

The finish line was on a mountain 3km away

and this is who we were up against.

You're Nick.

-Mark.

-Mark.

-Ben.

-Ben.

So, let's just get the wounds worked out.

-Spinal injuries.

-Spinal injury.

-Right leg blown, amputee.

-Right leg... so that's nothing.

-There's...

-Yeah, kick as much as you want.

-Gone. And you are?

-Left arm, right leg.

-Left arm, right leg?

-Yeah.

-How did you do that?

As I was spinning down, I landed on the ground,

landing on my arm first,

-which just crumbled.

-Was it a bomb?

-Yeah.

Despite their injuries, though, they were feeling confident.

-Do you think you're going to beat us?

-Definitely.

-Yeah.

-Just playing mental games with us, don't listen.

-Put some beers in it.

-All right then.

-How many?

-A case of beers.

-A case of beers.

-I was going to say three!

-Cheers.

A case of beers. A case of beers.

'The military boys used their orienteering skills

'to map out a manageable route for their scooters.'

Take it easy on the rocky bit, then burn up when we can.

'We, however, were so confident in our engineering,

'we decided to go as the crow flies.'

We're being started with a traditional Welsh hunting horn.

REVVING

FEEBLE TOOT

-Go!

-Yeah!

Yes!

Yes!

Go, go, go.

Come on! James, we're a team!

This is full speed!

I hate it when they make us do a race. I should have known.

All right, boys?

THEY LAUGH

Let's get up this hill. Go, go, go.

There's no question mine is faster than yours.

And quieter. Ah!

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, no, my steering's jammed.

I'm losing traction completely.

Go forward, go forward. Do a bit of convoy formation here, lads.

-That's a good effort.

-Go!

Yes! All right, now I can just...

..engage seat angle alteration.

Oh.

CHAIR BEEPING

'While Sir Randolph May was stuck, I went to help the orang-utan.'

Try and get the bodywork off the wheel.

If you try and turn the wheel to the left.

-This is teamwork now, isn't it?

-We're actually doing teamwork.

What am I thinking of?

I've got my gravel system to deploy.

Watch this.

Pulling the string dispenses gravel from the hopper

in front of the wheels, improving traction.

Deploy...

Hang a right.

Right, go, go, go!

Having mended Jeremy's scooter,

Thunderbird One then had to rescue me.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes!

-Oh, this is just...glorious.

-Tremendous!

Stop it.

Ow!

They're down there, look. There.

WHISTLE

-Losers.

-How did you get there?

We'll see you at the end.

I feel a crate of beer coming on.

Who...Hammond!

They're ahead of us!

Go.

Left here, Ben! Go on, go, go, go.

'Worried by the progress of our rivals,

'Hammond and I stopped to discuss our colleague.'

I mean, look at him. He's pretty pointless.

CHAIR BEEPING

There is a bit of a...

a bit of a rise in the terrain, there.

Nope.

CHAIR BEEPING

-Do we, in these unique circumstances, merely leave him?

-Mm-hm.

Or shoot him and leave him?

'Because we were working as a team,

'we decided to just leave him.'

I feel bad. I do. I feel bad.

I'm getting better.

Right...

I think...that way.

The Pro Rider Road King is doing well here.

A moment of actual progress.

Mate, we're rolling.

'I was rolling, too,

'and had left Jeremy far behind.'

It's getting very muddy now, but that's OK.

This is where tracks are absolutely perfect.

JEREMY WHEEZES

BANGING

SCREAMS

Bloody Nora!

-Nav check.

-Be careful, man.

That was that road we saw on top of the ridge.

We're doing well, we're doing well.

-It's going to get tricky up there, them contour lines.

-Yeah.

Keep doing what we're doing.

Sportster, this is Pro Rider Road King, come in.

'I may need your winch a tiny bit.'

Oh, God.

'Once again, I had to abandon my pursuit of our rivals

'to go and rescue the orang-utan.'

What have you done?

Let it rock.

Go on!

Yeah, that's much better.

That isn't. Oh, no!

Lovely jubbly!

Go, go, go.

'The Pro Rider was eventually righted.'

Ha, ha, ha!

'But this teamwork nonsense wasn't getting us anywhere.'

Ram me.

Jeremy...

Go. It's going to be dark by the time I get there.

-Mate, I'm going to.

-Go.

-Be the team.

-For the team.

-And beat the soldiers.

-On the Top Gear thing that has suddenly become.

-Yes.

I'm not giving in, but I don't want you to wait any more.

So long, Pro Rider.

'Obviously, the servicemen were in the lead,

'but they were still taking the long way round.'

If I'm going to stand a chance of preserving my team's honour,

I'm going to have to go straight up.

Come on.

'To help me, my rivals were starting to struggle.'

Oh!

Mate... And my leg's fallen off.

We're through.

Lesser vehicles would have been just stumped by that.

-Are you stuck?

-Agh!

THUMP

SIGHS

Landed right on my GPS.

LAUGHTER

'Meanwhile, much further back...'

Now that my weight is on the back wheels,

I have traction.

Oh, yeah.

I'm surfing now.

If we bend it outwards.

'Mark's control panel had snapped off in the fall,

'and getting it fixed again had cost them precious time.'

-Did you hear that?

-Yeah, I can hear some engine.

-I can hear Hammond.

-Hammond?

-There's no BLEEP way he could have got up here that fast.

-Go, go.

Come on, don't stop, old Sportster!

I've got to pick my lines, keep it as level as I can.

-That's it, the summit's there.

-That's it, that's the summit.

Wahey!

It's a race to the finish line.

That's got to be the summit up there.

Come on! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Last push now, boys.

I'm going to make it!

-Keep going, keep going.

-Go, go, go. Last little bit.

Yes! This is it.

This is the summit.

LAUGHS

Oh.

-All right, lads?

-Welcome.

-Well done, mate.

-Well done, well done.

It's just me.

'Meanwhile, far, far away...'

Now, look at this.

It's a 17th-century pub.

And look at that step there.

If you were in a normal conventional electric wheelchair,

that would be game over and no pint.

But now, watch this.

Full power.

Hang on.

CHAIR BEEPING

Oh, cock.

'Still, could be worse.'

Fenton! Fenton!

Fenton!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

APPLAUSE

Mine was terrible.

I'm glad I pushed it down the hill and made Fenton jokes about it.

-Because it was rubbish.

-Mine was a lot worse.

I don't know.

-I have to say, mine was brilliant.

-Er, it wasn't!

-It was.

I was the only one who made it.

I don't think you were, Hammond,

because you were beaten by these chaps.

I was, I was.

So, James, have you got something for them?

Yes, it is an absolute pleasure, gentlemen,

to give you, as promised, beer.

-APPLAUSE Well done, guys.

-Well done, chaps. You've earned it.

Now, can I just ask, because, as you know,

Top Gear is famous throughout the world for its consumer advice,

so which one of these three would you say was the best?

-This one wins hands down.

-The trike?

-But that's still expensive. What is it, five...

-£5,000.

-It's £5,000.

-I think I've got the answer to this, actually.

It's carmakers. Because you know how they are always branching out

and they make things like trendy designer kettles

and overpriced carbon fibre mountain bikes,

why don't they just stop all that and concentrate on making

an affordable, off-road wheelchair or scooter that works?

If you think about it, this is a really good idea.

Carmakers making wheelchairs. It's a good idea.

It is a good idea. And it's on Top Gear.

And that IS a bombshell, so let's end, quickly. See you next week.

Take care, good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd