Burma Special - Part 2 Top Gear

'Our adventure began in the old Burmese capital Rangoon,

'where, having bought three ancient lorries...'

Hammond, this seat is a church pew.

'..we were told we had to build a bridge over the River Kwai that was

'strong enough to support them.'

How big a bridge are we going to have to build to support my truck?

-How much does yours weigh?

-About 1,000 tonnes.

'Getting to the river in Thailand meant a 1,200 mile journey

'across Burma on roads that were dangerous...'

-HORNS TOOT

-Whoa.

'..mountainous...'

Ahhhhh!

'..and often not roads at all.'

Watch the wheel spin. Sliding badly.

'Since the producers insisted we stay in Burmese truck stops...'

Oh, it's not so bad.

'..we turned our lorries into houses.'

Not all of my improvements have turned out to be improvements.

'Way out in the middle of nowhere, we ran out of fuel,

'and whilst looking for diesel...'

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

'..Hammond was thrown by a stallion and injured his arm.'

Ah, BLEEP.

'Worse still, James's snoring forced us to take drastic action.'

Clarkson!

'And everywhere we went,

'Hammond's vertical exhausts were causing chaos.'

I've lost my other stack.

As you know, we're not the US Marines, we leave a man behind.

Sorry.

It's OK. Nothing to see.

Ow.

'Far ahead of Hammond's disintegrating lorry,

'James and I were about to enter a secretive region of Burma known as

'the Shan state.

'A civil war has raged here for 60 years.

'No television crew has ever been allowed in. We would be the first.'

There is a very good reason why it's so secretive in there.

You see, the travel companies would have you believe that

the Golden Triangle is, well, it's a tourist attraction,

at the point where Thailand, Burma and Laos all meet.

But the golden triangle with the - how can I put this -

the special agriculture - that is in the Shan.

Apparently, some of the special agriculture is known as horse,

they're obviously growing horses somehow. I shall look for those.

Fields of horses growing in them.

Here we go. Warm and cordial welcome, this is it. This is it.

We are entering the Shan.

We genuinely are representing the Western world.

Good job I'm wearing a tie.

'Unfortunately, as the roads started to climb,

'James and I rather forgot the significance of where we were.'

Go! Come on, lorry.

HE CACKLES

'Welcome, then, to the inaugural Shan state lorry hill climb.

'A sport where a single botched gear change

'can make all the difference.'

Attempt to squeeze in.

It's coming.

No, no, no! I'm trapped by the pick-up.

Eat my dirt.

Got the inside line.

This is the best race in the world.

I've blocked him, I blocked him.

Shall we call a temporary truce while we go through the town, yeah?

When we get back, if we're interviewed by MI6

and they say, "What was it like in the Shan?"

We'll have to go, "I don't know, we were racing lorries."

I am embarrassed to be the first Westerner in here

and I'm driving a sports lorry with a pink teddy bear on the front.

'To make us look more dignified, I put Rudyard in the cab,

'and then we set off into the unknown.'

God above.

I think I've accidentally taken a short cut

into the set of Game Of Thrones.

'Here, in a region that is bigger than England and Wales put together,

'there is just one road, built 150 years ago, by the British.

'But there is no electricity, no mobile phone signal, no TV,

'no hotels, no hospitals.

'And in the skies, no planes.'

That is gigantic.

'Bowled over by it all, James and I pulled over,

'and after Hammond caught up...'

Oh, yes, the 1920s is arriving.

'..we tried to work out why us three had been the first ones

'allowed in here.'

Think about it.

If you were North Korea, and you wanted to portray to your people

how lumpen and useless the West was, you'd invite us three, wouldn't you?

Yeah.

Because we'd wander about and the North Koreans would go,

"Why would we want to be Western? Look at them. They're dreadful."

-You've got bird poo on your shoulder.

-I have.

So what the government is essentially saying to these

people is, why would you want to live like they do in the West?

-Look at them.

-There's another thing that we're doing.

This is just an incidental service.

They haven't seen many Westerners here.

We are at least showing... They're not going to end up saying,

"They all look the same to me," are they? With us three.

That's just blatantly racist.

What he's saying is all Burmese people look the same to him.

-No...

-Clearly. Yes, you are.

-You are.

You're assuming that they think we all look the same

because we think they all look the same.

Now you're making a leap, I didn't...

You're completing something that I didn't put in.

Yes, we are, but it's quite good fun.

'Keen to see more of the Shan, we moved on.'

-Chaps, check out the driver of this tuk-tuk.

-What's he done?

I don't know what it was, but he's done a lot of it.

-He's off his face.

-Oh, dear.

Oh, Lord, I see what you mean.

James, do you see any fields where they are growing horses?

No, I haven't seen a single horse plantation yet.

'What we did see, however, was evidence of what is officially

'the world's longest running civil war.'

This is a big army presence, here.

'James, however, seemed to have less important things on his mind.'

Time to try out my water brake cooling system.

I'm ready. A little switch.

I think it works.

'The elation, however, was short lived.'

Cock.

My steering has just locked up.

I'm not sure that's a good idea, James, is it? Blocking the Army?

'The problem was a big one. The front axle had broken.'

There's only one thing I can think to play at a time like this.

MUSIC: "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word" by Elton John

-Well, off you go. Goodbye.

-That's a bad one, isn't it?

-See you.

# It's sad, so sad It's a sad sad situation... #

-Ow!

-BLEEP.

'As Hammond and I travelled deeper into the Shan,

'the road became worse.'

Argh!

'And the reason why soon became clear.'

That was an actual baby there, building the road.

It's not a good policy, because the road surface is dreadful.

Babies are no good at building roads, look.

'Along with the Fisher-Price roads, there were steep hills.

'Which were a problem for Hammond's heavy lumber bus.'

God, it's torture.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

Change gear... No. Grind, grind, grind.

And when we get to the end,

we have to build a bridge over the River Kwai.

'Eventually, we had to rest our weary bones,

'so we pulled over in a remote settlement.'

You know, in a village like this,

it really is possible they don't know the West exists.

-They will never have seen faces like ours.

-No.

I'm amazed they're not more amazed.

-I think it's a cultural thing, it would be rude to show it.

-Yeah.

It's sort of...

Definitely the first white faces they've ever seen.

'Many miles further back,

'I had sorted my axle issue by using a ratchet strap

'to hold it in place.'

I hate my lorry.

What I'm driving here is a massive dog's egg with a crane on the back.

Oh, God, let this day end.

'As the afternoon sun drew low, I was reunited with my colleagues,

'and we decided to make camp in a small town.'

Look at that lot. Communal, open-air natural bathing.

Hello.

We're in the middle of the Shan.

We're supposed to be frightened to death.

It's not frightening though, is it? It's lovely.

'As we set up camp, the locals seemed to be busy as well.

'And Jeremy had found out why.'

-Hammond, May.

-Yes? What?

-It turns out we've been invited to a party.

-Right.

-Where?

-Here, in the town.

You know there's been a civil war raging?

All of the people who've been fighting are coming together tonight

to welcome us here to the Shan state.

You know the Good Friday Agreement where they got Major,

Gerry Adams and Paisley all in one room and it was amazing?

Well, apparently this is as amazing as that in Burma.

-Who do they think we are?

-I don't know.

Probably Richard Dimbleby, James McNulty and Jeremy Paxman.

-They're not familiar with Top Gear, are they?

-Evidently not.

The only thing I'm speculating on is I don't think

-we should turn up looking like this.

-No. I have no formal wear with me.

Naked would be better than that.

'As Hammond wouldn't let us use his shower,

'James and I had to go native.'

This is a brilliant system they've got here.

Women go there, and men go here.

'As we finished our ablutions...

'..the various factions started to arrive.

'And Jeremy invited us over for pre-dinner cocktails.'

Listen, help yourselves to a drink, because I've had a thought.

It's possible MI6 or the DEA or some intelligence agency will want

-to talk to us when we get back about here.

-Right.

So, manners - polite, British, representatives of the BBC,

but pay attention.

But don't make it obvious that you're finding things out,

just be...

'With a final word of warning to Hammond...'

Don't get drunk.

-I'll just have one before I go.

-'..we headed off to the party.'

From Britain, BBC television.

'Where we were offered some local delicacies...'

It's a caterpillar?

-That's right, that's right, caterpillar.

-Caterpillar.

Goodbye, caterpillar.

'As caterpillars weren't to Hammond's taste,

'he went off to find something that was.'

SHOUTING

-Hello, hello.

-Hello, yes. I can do that. Yes, I could do that.

This is all right. I'm coming in, I like this.

'As the food kept coming...'

This is a cicada, a cricket.

'..I was discovering that the region's special agriculture

'didn't seem to be that special.'

-So it's sunflower seeds, soya bean, nothing else.

-Nothing, nothing.

'Still, I was learning more than James...

'..or Hammond.'

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

Who's got any Whiskey? Have you got any Scotch?

'By midnight, I'd been through every single crop in the area.'

-Sesame seeds.

-Sesame seeds, yeah, yeah.

-Maize.

'So, I took a leaf out of Hammond's book...'

Cheers, cheers, cheers.

'..and, along with May and half the film crew, joined the party.'

FESTIVE DRUMMING

ALL: # I'm dressing sharp and I'm acting cool,

# Got a cheerleader here...#

CHEERING AND DRUMMING

CRICKETS CHIRP, COCK CROWS

Well, one thing is for sure.

-There are absolutely no drugs in this part of Burma.

-No, none.

I talked to everybody and...

I talked to people involved in the sales and distribution

of stationery, I talked to farmers, Army people, Colonel Kurtz.

I spoke to Colonel Kurtz, he was in vegetables.

So if MI6 talk to us when we get back,

we can say, "You're looking in the wrong place."

Have you seen... Our colleague is not well.

We've got a lot of time to kill this morning before that is capable

of driving a lorry.

'Many, many hours later, we were back on the road.'

I think I punched a colonel.

Or kissed him.

-Hammond?

-Yeah?

-What was your whiskey called again?

Hankie Banister.

"Hankie Banister. Third-best Whiskey in northern Burma."

'Soon, though, the memories of our summit at the end of Apocalypse Now

'were eclipsed by the sheer beauty of this untouched paradise.'

I've never taken more landscape photographs in my entire life.

It's just...

You've got to come here. You have got to come and see this.

'James would have enjoyed the view, too,

'but predictably he'd had yet another breakdown.'

Cock. The problem is - well, I don't know what the problem is,

but I started losing power up the hill.

Then it wouldn't even drive in third and it felt like it started running

on two, then it was definitely only running on one cylinder, because it

sounded like the sort of generator people put on in the night.

Ah, BLEEP.

Non-BBC Two word.

'Once I'd fixed the problem, which was wonky fuel injectors,

'I was on the move again.'

God, this lorry is appalling.

'And it didn't take long to catch the others,

'because the road was steep, and Hammond was in front.'

First gear. Bad.

Literally the slowest I've ever been.

Hammond, I haven't got any more gears left.

I can't get out the way, the road's too narrow,

I can't go any faster, I'm in a lorry.

It's pretty much vertical.

God, look at the smoke now. I've got a mining lung disease.

I'm starting to imagine what Hammond might look like without any skin on.

Now what?

I think if we all back up, he can come in here.

Hammond, we can't - there's nothing to be gained by...

CRASH

Hammond, you idiot, you've reversed into the sports lorry!

-You've broken it.

-I didn't know. Genuinely, that was an accident.

Don't just drive off, Hammond. Hammond! Hammond!

He's broken my headlights, radiator. My bull bar is broken. The mirror.

What, you just reverse and hope?

Where did you think I was?! All day, I have been behind you.

I didn't think you were that close behind me.

I now know why they have those stickers for lorry drivers -

"If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you."

'Even though the incident had been technically my fault,

'I still followed the standard procedure.'

What? He knows the rules. Live by the sword, you must...

I can't remember. Whatever. Something to do with swords.

Held me up all day, then he reversed into me,

so I think tonight Hammond's other wrist might break.

However, when I reached the overnight holds,

I came up with a more fiendish idea.

An idea that involved the bucket Hammond had fitted to collect

rainwater for his shower.

TRICKLING

-I think this does pay him back for holding us up all day long.

-Yep.

-Oh, there's more.

-Part two.

'I then began to work on my lorry's waterworks.'

-Massive nuts holding the radiator on. 22 millimetres.

-Yeah.

SHOWER SPLATTERS

Oh, it's warm. So warm, fresh rainwater.

-(Golden rain.)

-I can taste the goodness. The outdoors.

And neither of you two thought of this.

'After dining on roast grasshopper,

'we spent the evening playing with my Chinese lanterns.'

-Are you going to set them off here?

-Why not?

I should say in a country where a lot of people live in houses made of...

-What is it, dried grass?

-Oh, relax.

-That's not going to be a problem.

The chances of you getting one of those things to work...

There, let it fly.

Yes. Hammond, ye of little faith.

Go find a barn or a thatched roof.

Now, let's just... I'm going to get a beer and savour the moment.

-This is a... It's a mobile bonfire.

-It is.

If it were to land in a field of poppies, for example,

imagine how beautiful that would be.

'Feeling content and happy, we went to bed. Well, one of us did.'

What do you think the chances are of waking him?

You won't wake him, he sleeps the sleep of the dead.

That's in neutral.

ENGINE REVS

Jesus Christ!

'The next morning, despite the tranquillity of our surroundings,

'Jeremy hit the road in a fractious mood.'

Why did you tip me out of my lorry?

Because you swung me around in my tent.

You deserved that because you're irritating. I'm never irritating.

It's a good point Jeremy raises, I feel quite bad about it now,

because when has he ever been irritating?

'To make my mood even worse,

'the endless hard going had had a catastrophic effect on my brakes.'

I think they're only working now on the left-hand side.

Nothing, everything.

You move your foot that much, that's the difference.

Fortunately, we were now only 80 miles from the border with Thailand.

But, unfortunately, none of those miles would be gentle.

Oh, it's bad in here and it will be worse in Jeremy's lorry.

HE CACKLES

'It was desperately uncomfortable, and hot,

'and ahead of us lay the biggest mountain range yet.'

This climb is exactly what you need in a lorry with a leaky radiator.

Oh, that is a trouser-threatening drop.

James May is a man who does not like heights.

He is also a man whose lorry has its front axle held on with

a bit of string.

-How's your vertigo, May?

-I'm not looking.

But thanks for reminding me.

'Progress was extremely slow

'as I had to keep stopping to refill my radiator.'

Pouring out from exactly where the araldite was.

Fairly convinced this is an old wives' tale, but we shall see.

'Meanwhile, James was having his first breakdown of the day.'

Oh, BLEEP.

Nope.

'This time, it was the transfer box,

'which had burst free from its mountings.'

That's the transfer box, that's the bracket where it's bolted on,

those two bolts have been shaken out.

Oh, cock.

Still going on, still more mountains.

When will this end?

Oh, my God, it gets steep.

I've got to keep moving,

if I stop, pulling away will kill the clutch, I'm sure of that.

OK, my temperature gauge is now really very high.

I'm looking for a little stream.

'Still, at least the mood was more cheerful than it

'was at the back of the convoy.'

BLEEP.

BLEEPING second gear failed, and now the engine has BLEEP BLEEP arse.

You piece of BLEEP.

'With some careful nursing, Jeremy and I eventually reached

'the summit, where there was one hell of a reward.'

That is insane.

-Never seen views like it.

-Not as extensive.

-Not all at the same time.

-What have we got here? Himalayas.

-Yeah.

-Austria.

-Bit of Scotland going on there.

-Quite a bit of Scotland. And the sky.

-Enormous.

-Like a sky from Texas.

-Texas sky.

-But bigger.

-Much bigger.

Absolutely staggering.

'Sadly, though, the piece of the moment was then shattered.'

RUMBLING AND TRUCK HORN

The A-MAY van has arrived.

He's in a rile.

Mate, you've got the crane here.

BLEEP! Heap of dog BLEEP!

-Don't say anything.

-(I don't think he's very happy.)

You know the old Buddhist expression, don't you?

He who tips a man out of his lorry will suffer from many breakdowns.

From here to the border with Thailand it was downhill

all the way.

Which for me, at least, was a bit alarming.

Oh, God. Look at that road now.

No brakes, no brakes.

If your brakes went entirely would you stay with it

and hope you could sort it out or would you bail out?

I'm actually sitting here planning that very thing.

I've planned my bailout already.

I've even practised lunging for the door handle.

I've got an image of James punching his lorry all

the way down the slopes as they fell.

Amazingly, we all made it to the bottom of the mountain in one piece.

Nearly.

And now we were only 40 miles from the Thai border.

Oh, this is it. We are about to leave Burma.

I'm gonna miss it.

There's so many amazing moments.

Soon we cross the border into Thailand and this meant

we were now just 90 miles from our finishing line at the River Kwai.

19 miles of easy-going on smooth roads.

Oh, it's hammered your tyre! Your tyre is...

It's detonating, mate.

It's hard to explain to you...

HE LAUGHS

I'm not giving up. I'm not stopping. How many wheels do I need?

Happily, the rest of my tyres stayed inflated and as darkness fell...

..we finally reached our destination.

I believe we are at the River Kwai.

The crane is here, everybody.

It's bolted onto a BLEEP lorry but never mind that.

My brain is frazzled.

I don't want to sweat in here any more, I don't want to listen

to the lorry struggling and screaming and straining to climb another hill.

Ah, ah, ah!

I am going to sleep for 1,000 years.

Has my spine come out of the top of my head?

I can't see because my eyes have been shaken loose.

I think my pelvis has moved around in my body.

-I'm not surprised in your lorry.

-It doesn't work.

Your pedals are all different.

Releasing the clutch is that.

It's like a Masonic dance thing that I have to do every time.

You know those power plates in gyms that make you stupid?

There's also a psychological thing,

every time I hear a diesel engine start I have a nervous twitch.

Manual gearboxes. What?

You have ruined me and my life.

The gearbox is too far...

"The Prisoners Of War walked to their bridge site,

"you have driven here so shut up."

-"Work on the bridge starts at 0500."

-What?!

"0500 and you can't go home

"until all three lorries have driven over it."

-0500.

-What's the point? We're not still in the war.

-What's the point of 0500?

-It will only be a little river.

The next morning at precisely 0500.. and 11,

we discovered just how wrong we were.

It is much wider than I thought it was going to be.

-I thought it would be a comedic gully.

-I did.

-It's 100 times wider.

We were going to need a 60m bridge so James went off to make plans

and Hammond and I decided to measure the depth of the water.

Well, when I say Hammond and I...

I'm approaching plumb depth.

Ah! Broach the plumb... Oh! Ah!

It's ever so cold.

I hate my job!

In Bridge On The River Kwai did Alec Guinness go,

"Oh, it's ever so cold!"

I bet he did in reality. Oh! I bet he did in reality.

-Oh!

-Sadly, at this point my colleague was carried away by the current.

Swim, man!

I am!

You're the weakest swimmer in the world.

And since he was providing no useful feedback,

I went to check on James's plans.

This is what I was thinking.

The bank goes down at each side obviously,

we build up the approach area with these baskets of stones,

make vertical piles out of bamboo like this, these longerons

I'm calling them, they are bamboo lashed together,

these will go this way...

Two tracks for the wheels, the rest is immaterial

and then a superstructure like this

all adding strength.

You know the sort of thing so that it looks a bit like the film.

Basically we need to start with rocks

and some wire mesh to make boxes to put them in.

Where are we getting rocks from?

That's your job because you have the tipper lorry.

I set about making the wire mesh baskets,

freed up the space in Jeremy's cargo bay...

May, you imbecile!

And when Hammond finally returned,

I sent them both off to a nearby quarry to get the rocks.

You've put them in the front of this one.

Yeah, stick them in the front.

Let's have these ones here.

Jeremy... Are you going to do anything?

-What can I do?

-Load the trucks.

-He's loading them!

With the trucks loaded, Jeremy finally got off his backside

and immediately started to shout at me.

Hammond! You idiot.

What?

You put about 400 tonnes of rocks and it is stuck.

I woke you to say are you going to help with the loading?

Your words were, "There's nothing to do!"

That's exactly the kind of issue you should have been awake for.

How do I know what your load is? I don't know.

The only solution was to tip some of the rocks out.

Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, my. That's a remarkable accident. Look...

Oh, jeez, no.

Your windscreen has come out.

This is a BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! disaster now.

The breeze will be nice(!)

Predictably, when we got back, James was overflowing with sympathy.

JAMES LAUGHS

-Did you head-butt it?

-But look...

JAMES LAUGHS

Richard and James began to load their basket by hand.

Oh, that's a big rock.

But I'm allergic to manual labour so I used horsepower instead.

And then I went into town to buy supper.

Is this a marrow?

SHE PRONOUNCES THE WORD

-A...?

-Name... SHE PRONOUNCES THE WORD

This is... Crikey, is it? I thought it was a marrow.

That's something you learn. In Thailand, the word for... Yes, that.

That's the word for marrow.

When I returned, I brought with me a gang of local labourers.

What are you doing?

There's no way we're going to be able to build this bridge by ourselves, let's be reasonable.

He's right, Hammond.

You and I are not going to be able to build this bridge by ourselves.

-I know.

-Hello, officers won't work.

Alec Guinness made that very plain in Bridge On The River Kwai

in the film.

That was the whole premise of the story is that officers won't work.

-You're an officer?

-Of course I'm an officer.

-Who says?

-I'm the Alec Guinness figure here. It's obvious.

-Because you've got a stick.

-That stick may disappear quite soon.

With the local chaps helping, James and I started to make good progress.

As we toiled away,

the self-appointed officer seemed to be setting up a children's tea party.

What are you doing now?

Well, it's a trick I learnt from the British in Burma in the 19th century,

they would employ some local young chap, cover him in jam,

he would follow them around all day and he'd attract the insects.

They called him a jam boy.

-This is my jam bear.

-It doesn't seem very fair.

It was, it was because at the end of the day he got to keep the jam.

At the end of our long difficult day, I produced my delicious supper.

It smells very good, Clarkson, what is it?

Mm, I'll whisper it to you

because I can't say it in front of the viewers.

-What?

-She just looked at me and went...

What did you say? Steady on!

I'd even prepared a treat for Hammond.

-For afters I've got you something very special indeed.

-What?

-I know you're partial to a bit of Black Cock.

-Oh, yes.

And so I've managed to find...

Oh, you hero.

-Oh, well done.

-Black Cock. Stiff one?

-Yes, please.

-Get that down your neck.

-Cheers.

Bottoms up.

I'll tell you what, I'm going to sleep tonight. Absolutely.

I am worn out.

The next morning, the dawn light reveals just how little

we had achieved.

So, before the morning mist had cleared, everyone was hard at work.

Well, when I say everyone...

PHONE ALARM SOUNDS

-Morning, May.

-Good morning. Are you actually going to do any work today?

I have explained this to you until I'm blue in the face.

Officers won't work.

Guys!

May?

Can you hear something?

JEREMY: I need a poo!

Guys, I've had a thought. It turns out officers will work.

-After they released me... Right, work.

-Remains available.

I immediately decided we needed more labour-saving machinery so I rented

a digger for Hammond and I went for something that would humiliate May.

James has totally wasted his time bringing that crane here.

Go on, son!

Oh, no!

BLEEP! BLEEP!

-What was that?

-It fell over, James.

-What have you done?

Hold on a minute! Did you see where the end of your jib landed?

I had only walked back to see where the pile was.

-If I'd still been standing there, it would have taken my head off!

-It fell over!

-It almost killed me!

What do you mean, "It fell over"? They don't fall over, crane lorries!

They don't fall over on the motorway!

What do you mean, it doesn't fall over?

-You knocked it over!

-Your crane is too small,

so, I've got a bigger one to reach further into the river.

Right. My crane is too small. That's punishable by death, is it?

After James had calmed down a bit, we decided to solve the problem

by using the combined power of Richard's digger and the A-May Van.

In three, two, one...

Lift away!

RUMBLING AND CRACKING

Oh!

Yeah!

But, with stronger cables, we soon had my crane the right way up.

Excellent. And back to work.

Just use this as an enormous hammer so...

Just delicacy, this.

Oi!

That little insect that he's dragged all the way here

is simply getting in our way.

Oh, well done, Hammond.

Hang on.

-That's the ticket! Hammond!

-Come on, James, out you come.

Spiky things!

Even though we were now working as a team, and the bridge

was starting to take shape, we were still way behind James' schedule.

This side, the blue pegs, represents how far we should have got by now.

The red pegs show how far we actually have got.

Obviously not far enough.

It's worse than I thought.

So, the three of us worked on into the night.

This long? This is long.

That's to go to Hammond.

Whoa, stop there. A bit further. I've got it, I've got it.

And even though we went to bed exhausted...

HE YAWNS

..Sleep for Jeremy and I was impossible.

LOUD SNORING

Clarkson!

Funny!

You funny man!

We were even funnier getting him back in.

-I think it's the red one. Is it the red one?

-I don't know.

Right, so, hang on, I've got one with, like, a circle.

This one looks like an alien.

That bottom one swivels. Jeez...

No, the bottom one!

Waargh!

LAUGHTER

James, you're falling out your tent!

He's fallen in!

Help!

-That's an alarm clock, isn't it?!

-Oh, sorry, James!

-The bottom of this river's made out of turds.

-I know.

Yeah. Try not to drink more than a pint.

As I was carried away by the current, I noticed

that the end of the bridge was now beyond the reach of our cranes.

So when I returned, we built a home-made piledriver.

Mounted it to a home-made barge...

And kept right on going.

Oh, no!

BLEEP!

Get it, stop it, stop it! James!

I can't stop it!

Get it, get it.

Our bridge! Our bridge!

Whoa!

Quickly, go! Let's get it.

Took hours!

I've got it!

I've got it!

Hold on!

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

Oh, no! No! No!

That was a deep bit! I'm drowning in BLEEP!

Oh, no!

Man overboard!

Man overboard!

RICHARD GASPS

How the hell are we ever going to...?

This is worse!

-Abandon bridge!

-I'm getting back... BLEEP!

BLEEP!

Once we were back ashore, we gathered for an emergency meeting.

I presume it was one of these that gave way.

The piling. But why did it?

Come on.

Would it help focus our minds more on the problem

if we had a shot of Hong Thong?

-Yes.

-Or we could have a Red Cock.

We haven't had that.

You got any white spirit?

Yes, I have.

I just don't get it.

If one of the piers was wrong, that would do it.

If we used...What if we used more of those whatever you call them,

those bags of...

JAMES CHOKES QUIETLY

I'm not helping him cough. What if we use more of those bags of stones

to protect the bamboo pillars from the current?

That White Spirit, by the way, actually IS white spirit!

-You're kidding?! What?

-It's for cleaning brushes.

'We carried on with the build

'and as the long, hot days passed,

'the bridge inched closer to the opposite bank.'

There you go.

Oh! He's gone through the ramp.

Who here would like an ice cold beer?

Oh, yes, please.

'But, as we passed the two thirds point,

'I was forced to call another emergency meeting.'

What's the matter?

Well, you know, we thought we were building a bridge over

the River Kwai, which is noble?

-We are.

-We're not.

The name of THAT river...

The Kok?

Top Gear is building a bridge over the River Kok.

It's actually memorable.

It is, you wouldn't order the wrong film from an Internet website.

-You'd be very careful if you were.

-How is BBC presentation...

You know the woman at the beginning of every programme.

"And tonight, Jeremy, James and Richard build a bridge

"over the River Kok"...

Well, we're not moving it!

'At this point we had been at the site

'for what seemed like an eternity

'and we were desperate to get home

'so we were working round the clock.'

-Got it?

-Yeah. That's a heavy...

That's a bit denser, that one.

RICHARD: I hate bamboo.

I hate bamboo.

So much.

You know,

after that drive through Burma,

I was left with

an enormous amount of respect for long-distance lorry drivers.

But...

Here, now,

I have even more respect for those prisoners of war...

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

I mean, let's be honest, shall we,

-we are eat eating here at night.

-Yeah.

-We haven't got dysentery and we haven't got cholera.

-No.

-And we're not been beaten, daily.

-No, no.

This is difficult, hard, hot work...

-But nothing...

-No.

-..at all...

-You know that metal box.

-Yeah.

There was a guy called Captain Drauer

who broke the camp commandant's table.

He was sentenced to life underground and they buried him

in one of those metal boxes with a metal roof exposed to the sun

-and he was in there for 76 days.

-Oh, God.

He had a broken arm when they put him in and when they got him out

the rats had eaten most of one of his feet.

It just beggars belief.

'As the sun rose on the 15th day,

'after the hardest work any of us had ever done,

'the bridge was finished.'

That is a proud moment.

But...

There's a slope on it.

You're right. It's definitely higher on that side.

'We decided to ignore the slope

'and move straight to the opening ceremony.'

In three, two, one...

I declare...

..the bridge open.

What a moment.

And James May, you shall cross it first.

Why am I crossing it first?

Because I just said, "James May, you shall cross it first".

-He did, he said that.

-I did, didn't I?

-You did, you said that.

-Definitely.

Right...

Lucky elephant, lucky owl,

Buddha, here we go.

ENGINE STARTS

BRIDGE CREAKS AND RATTLES

Oh, yeah.

I on the bridge over the River Kok.

This is genuinely the most nerve wracking thing I've ever done.

James, you are perilously... Does he realise?

He's a long way over to the right.

Just keep calm,

keep calm.

Oh, my God! It's squirreling.

-Oh!

-They're bending.

I'm more than halfway across.

BLEEP

All I've got to do is get down here.

I just got to get down here.

I've almost done it.

Please...

BRIDGE CREAKS

I'm over the River Kok on our own bridge!

Yee-ha!

Come on!

Can you go next?

-Yes, I will go next.

-Yes?

Yes, because your lorry is a lot heavier than my lorry

and will weaken it.

I didn't think of that.

I have a policy here, speed and power.

Because, in my mind,

speed makes you lighter.

I'm approaching the bridge now.

Here we go.

Taking your first ever gear change on the bridge over the River Kok

and I bolst it up!

Getting to close to the middle.

Oh, the splintering noises.

I'm weakening it for Hammond!

Yes! Come on sports lorry!

Yes!

My sports lorry has broken its door

but it is across and is bouncing to celebrate the moment.

Yes!

'Now it was the turn of the heaviest lorry of the lot.'

Oh, dear God.

This is a bridge that we built.

I mean, obviously, I want him to fall into the Kok.

Yes...

But, if he does, we can't go home.

-The challenge said all three lorries doing it.

-I know.

This struck is supposed to weigh 7.5 tonnes.

I don't know if that takes into consideration

all the extra bits on top!

Oh, my God!

Oh, oh!

BRIDGE CREAKS

Oh!

Oh, I can hear it crushing.

I can feel it moving.

Oh, no, what's happened?

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

What have I done?

It's going at this end, as well.

It's losing structure!

Oh!

It's breaking apart!

Oh!

Don't rush to the end, Rich.

Just go in your own...

Oh!

Oh!

Just tiptoe.

Just tread lightly.

Just tiptoe your way across.

That's it. That's it.

Light thoughts.

This way, this way.

BRIDGE CREAKS

This way a bit. This way a bit.

This way a bit.

This way, this way, you're going to fall off.

You're going to fall in!

Yeah!

Wo-ha-ha!

Yes!

Richard Hammond!

I've never been glad to see you alive before

but I am now.

You were so close.

We did it. We did it.

-Ow!

-Sorry.

Mate...

Do you know how close you were to falling into the middle at the end?

Half a tyre.

Half a tyre over the edge.

The fact is, though...

All three of us have done it.

With our trucks, over the river.

Here we are.

-1,200 miles, built a bridge...

-Yeah.

-..drove all three lorries across it.

-Yeah.

It worked.

Unlike the real film, Bridge On The River Kwai...

..there is no bombshell.

-No.

-No.

But there is an ending.

-Thanks very much for watching.

-Thanks for watching.

What a journey!

God, you were close.

MUSIC: Burning Bridges, theme tune for Kelly's Heroes.

# Friends all tried to warn me but I held my head up high

# All the times you warned me but I only passed them by

# They all tried to tell me but I guess I didn't care

# I turned my back and left them standing there

# All the burning bridges that are falling after me

# All the lonely feelings and the burning memories

# Everyone I left behind each time I closed the door

# Burning bridges lost forevermore. #