Episode 5 Top Gear


Episode 5

Motoring magazine. Jeremy Clarkson and James May encounter artillery shells, corsets and classic hot hatchbacks as they take a nostalgic look at Peugeot.


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Transcript


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'Tonight - the new Porsche Cayman on our track.'

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'The Ferrari, the Ferrari at the limit in Italy, Italy.'

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'And an old Peugeot goes past some goats.'

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APPLAUSE

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Hello!

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Hello, good evening, thank you so much, everybody, thank you!

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Thanks very much, everyone.

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Now, every few years Chevrolet introduces a new Corvette,

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and they always say this is the best sports car in America.

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And you go, yes, in the same way that

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I'm the best-dressed presenter on Top Gear.

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Which, actually, as you'll see later on, I am.

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Anyway, the truth is no Corvette has ever been a match for

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the best that Europe can do.

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And it looks like it's much the same story with this,

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the latest model.

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But is it?

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Well, Richard Hammond has been finding out.

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'To me, Corvettes have always looked great.

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'And for this one, the seventh generation,

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'they really have pulled out all the stops.'

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Ohhh!

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Oh, yah.

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Ohhhh!

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Oh, no. Gets worse.

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They've even brought back

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the Stingray badge from the classic Corvettes of the '60s.

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I'd say that was job done.

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'Except it isn't, because there's more.'

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We have a 6.2 litre V8,

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460 horsepower and the same number in torque,

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which means in any gear, at any speed,

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you put your foot down...

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..and stuff happens!

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HE LAUGHS

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There's the noise!

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There's the shove in the back.

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'0-60 is all over in less than four seconds.

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'Top speed - 190.'

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HE LAUGHS

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Why do the oaf and the bore not get what's going on here?

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I mean, James May likes a car that makes his fizzy bit fizz.

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This'd put a SodaStream in his grundies.

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'The Vette costs £65,000,

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'which might sound like a lot

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'until you compare it to its rivals from this side of the pond.'

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To get a Jaguar F Type V8, you'll need another 20,000.

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An Audi R8 V8, another 30,000.

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A 911 V8, well, you can't. There's no such thing.

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But to get close to the same power in a 911

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you'll need another £25,000.

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In fact, if you're looking for a European sports car

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for the same money,

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you're looking at this.

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'It's the latest version of the 911's baby brother,

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'the Porsche Cayman GTS.'

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But here's the thing - even though the Cayman costs

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about the same as the Corvette, when it comes to power difference,

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the gulf between them is wide enough to swallow a supertanker.

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An American supertanker.

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This has 336 brake horsepower, compared to the Corvette's 460.

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And this has 185 fewer torques.

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'All of which means it's absolutely pointless having a drag race.'

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We're going to do it anyway because we are intelligent and thorough.

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Three, two, one, go!

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'And there we are.

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'As I said, absolutely pointless.'

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But here's the thing.

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In its own right, the Cayman GTS is a small but magnificent little thing.

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Pitch-perfect engineering.

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Total precision.

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It just feels lithe, nimble, compact, all those words,

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balance, poise, predictability, tractability,

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all those good, lovely, yummy things. It's got them all.

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The perfect example of exactly what a European sports car should be.

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'It's a crushing demonstration of what's possible,

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'what good engineering should be.

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'And why Europe, not America,

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'has always been where you turn for proper sports cars.'

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So here we are -

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at that point in the test where, traditionally, I'd say,

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"The Corvette looks brilliant, great value, lots of fun, but..."

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And then I'd do a deep sigh.

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HE SIGHS

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Sadly, in the company of the Porsche,

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the Corvette simply can't hack it.

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Then we'd play some sad music and I'd say, "Back to the studio."

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'But no. This time we're not going back to the studio.

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'We're going back to the Corvette,

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'because this is no longer some hillbilly hot rod.

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'It's got suspension made of carbon fibre.

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'It has seat frames crafted from ultra-light magnesium.

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'It has different driving modes, like you get in a Ferrari,

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'and that big shouty V8 can shut down half its cylinders

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'to make it more economical.'

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Previous Corvette underbodies were really not very far from that.

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But this is an all-new hi-tech bonded aluminium affair that

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manages to be lighter and stiffer.

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Best of all is that it was developed at the Nurburgring, not Nashville.

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'This means that the cornering is...'

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Well, it's a bit of an event!

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All this power, all this bigness, but it's still essentially tameable.

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Remember when you had a pet elephant as a kid?

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It's like that.

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It is Sweet Home Alabama, it's cowgirls in denim shorts...

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Yes! It's everything I wanted it to be!

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'But what it is more is a match for the Europeans.'

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Let's be quite clear here.

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It's not like the Corvette has lost all of its redneck charm.

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If the Porsche is a laboratory full of laser beams,

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this is a Wild West saloon.

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But you don't have to apologise for it. You don't have to say,

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"Well, at least it's cheap," or, "It's the best they can do."

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It simply is good.

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In fact, it's the best sports car ever to come out of America,

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and for once, you can't follow that up with a joke.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's a good car.

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It is annoying.

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That is annoying, because for the second time this series,

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I agree with you. Actually, the second time in my LIFE

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-I agree with you.

-Right, you're not going to call me Billy Bob Hammond?

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No, and nor am I going to mention that jacket.

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No, no, I know, I know you want me to but I'm not going to.

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What I'm actually going to do is ask you this.

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Which one of these two would you have?

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Uh, you see, that's actually really difficult

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cos they are both epic to drive.

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-They are.

-You can't argue with that.

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But, I don't know, I don't think the Porsche looks very good.

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-It looks dowdy.

-It does, so I'd have the Corvette.

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The trouble is with the Corvette, though, is

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you don't have to apologise for it, as you said,

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but you would have to explain it. You'd have to go around saying,

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"Oh, it's got magnesium seats and carbon fibre suspension,"

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or everyone would just think you were a dreadful show-off.

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Yeah, it would be like taking a lap dancer home to meet your mother.

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You'd have to say, "No, she's got A-Levels!"

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You're absolutely right.

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So what we've got here is a choice between a slightly dirty librarian

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and a clever lap dancer.

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So let's see which is the fastest round our track.

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Of course, that means handing them over to our tame racing driver.

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Some say that his favourite flower is the potato,

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and that even though he's now seen Fifty Shades of Grey,

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he still thinks BDSM is a driving school.

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All we know is he's called the Stig!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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'And they're off! Two confident starts there.

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'The Porsche is mid-engine, the Corvette has a transaxle.

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'Both clearly had good traction off the line.

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'It's the scalpel versus the hammer, flying through the first corner.

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'And, oh, wow, it's the Porsche that's sliding!

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MUSIC: "Close To You" by the Carpenters

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'Seems to be reversing round in the Corvette.

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'Right through Chicago,

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'again it's the Cayman that's kicking its tail out.

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'Shock and awe Chevy completely under control!

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'This is the real test, of course, Hammerhead.

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'Yep, Corvette gets a bit of a slide on

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'as the Stig unleashes a 460 horsepower drift!

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'Right, follow through.

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'Porsche needs some corrective lock on the way in, that's a surprise.

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'OK, now we're coming up. Just two corners left, braking hard,

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'no dramas from either side of the Atlantic, into Gambon.

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'Yes, the Cayman's sliding again! And across the line!'

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Right.

-Yeah.

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I have the times here.

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The pantyless Porsche librarian -

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1:21.6.

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-So, not bad, same as an Audi R8 V10.

-That's quick, yeah.

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-But...

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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..the clever lap dancer...

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-1:19.8.

-No way! That's...!

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Look at that, same as a Porsche Carrera GT.

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That is a seriously fast car.

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There's been a disturbance in the Force!

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Something weird's happening.

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Anyway, the news, and we start with this,

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the new Ford Focus RS.

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That has 320 horsepower from a 2.3 litre turbocharged engine.

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And, most important, this, four-wheel drive.

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You know what this is, don't you?

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-Mm-mm.

-This is the return of the Escort Cosworth.

-Yeah.

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Happy days!

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It is, I'm excited, but it won't be as good as a Fiesta ST.

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-Well, it will.

-No, it won't!

-It will!

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-The Fiesta's...!

-320 horsepowers!

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I know but it's about purity of experience in a hot hatch.

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That comes, apparently, according to one source in America

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-with a drift button.

-A what?

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Drift button, push that, even he'll be able to drift.

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-What, you push that and it just drifts?

-Yes.

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I don't want to drift.

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-Yes, you do!

-I don't. Drifting is for the unintelligent.

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It isn't!

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It's a mating ritual. Girls love it!

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Yeah, he's right.

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No, it is, it's like having a massive tail.

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LAUGHTER

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It's just me -

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in Ross-on-Wye.

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Ooh, now, you know Apple, makers of computers and, um, telephones?

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-Yes.

-Apparently they're working on a car.

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-Really?

-Yes.

-Does it come with predictive steering?

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That's never going to work, is it?

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It is... No, I'm not sure that it will work, cos every time

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you get in it, it will say, "What's your iTunes password?"

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And then it'll make you have one that you can't remember.

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And then it'll go wrong, and you'll ring them up

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and they'll say, "Oh, it's your fault, you're holding it wrong."

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And then one day it'll send

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a picture of your bosoms to the internet.

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LAUGHTER

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You're right about the, um, passwords,

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cos Apple iTunes the other day said to me,

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"You must change your password, it's far too easy to guess."

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And I thought, how's anybody ever going to guess it's "Carrot29?"

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-I mean, that's...

-Now, I tell you what,

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there's a general election coming up, you may have heard.

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-Is there?

-Yes, there is, even in Wales.

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And, um, and a lot of people are saying,

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"Oh, I can't be bothered to get involved,

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"and all politicians are the same and all the parties are the same."

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So we thought, I wonder if we could decide who to vote for,

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on what the leaders drive.

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-Great idea.

-Very good idea.

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It is, so I've managed to find it out.

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It's not been easy but we've done it.

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Now, David Cameron, who runs the Conservative Party, OK, he...

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Well, he doesn't actually have a car,

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but the family car is a Honda CRV, OK?

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Nick Clegg has a Ford Galaxy.

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-Oh, dear.

-Eurgh.

-Shocking car.

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Ed Miliband has a Lamborghini Aventador.

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Does he?

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LAUGHTER

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-I was lying. He's got a turquoise green Ford Focus.

-Oh.

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Nigel Farage, guess what he drives?

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-A Jag.

-Yeah, it will be.

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-A Jag!

-Jag!

-Anybody else?

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Anybody want to hazard a guess, what Nigel Farage drives.

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-AUDIENCE SHOUT SUGGESTIONS

-A what?

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-Bentley!

-A Bentley, could be.

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-M3.

-M3?

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You are aware of Ukip, are you, and their...?

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LAUGHTER

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Nigel Farage drives a Volvo V70.

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-Does he?

-Really?

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He drives an immigrant.

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LAUGHTER

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-Nicola Sturgeon.

-Who?

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Nicola Sturgeon.

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-SNP, Scottish.

-Oh, THAT Nicola Sturgeon!

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-Yes, Hammond, that Nicola Sturgeon.

-What about her?

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-May, have a guess.

-Oh, I know, uh, a McLaren.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Nicola Sturgeon doesn't drive.

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-What, in Scotland?

-I know, I don't understand.

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How do you get around in Scotland, if you haven't got a car?

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No idea, anyway, she doesn't.

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Leanne Wood, that's your lot, Welsh, Plaid Cay-mru!

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Er, an ox.

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LAUGHTER

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Volkswagen Passat.

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Oh, god, I hate the Passat!

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Natalie Bennett from the Green Party?

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Oh, a Lamborghini LM002.

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We've got a picture of one of those, I think, somewhere.

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-Yes, there it is.

-That's the one.

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You think that the Green Party boss drives that?

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-Yeah, does she?

-You're absolutely right.

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-Am I?

-Yeah, she doesn't.

-Oh.

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No, she doesn't have one of those, weirdly.

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She doesn't own a car but she is a member of a car club.

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Is it the Dodge Charger Owners' Club?

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-Weirdly, James, it isn't.

-Do they do track days?

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The thing is, right, all these leaders,

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every single one of them has a rubbish car, every single one.

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-Yeah.

-And I know why.

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It's cos they all want to be seen as a man, or a woman, of the people.

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-Yes, I suspect it is.

-Yeah, but, yeah, but you can be seen as a man,

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or a woman, of the people, but still drive an interesting car.

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Yeah, you could have a Fiesta ST. That's a nice car.

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Would we vote for somebody who had a Ford Fiesta ST?

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I would, immediately.

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I would immediately.

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-What?

-No.

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-You wouldn't.

-Why not?

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What would you vote for, someone who's interested in the NHS(?)

0:15:520:15:56

No, somebody's who's interested in Formula 1.

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You'd vote for someone, irrespective of policies,

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-if they were interested in Formula 1?

-Yes.

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Are you watching this, Mr Cameron and Miliband and Clegg?

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This is what's going to win a massive audience.

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Who here would vote for someone who was interested in Formula 1?

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-CROWD: Yes!

-There you go, 100% of the British people want you to be

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interested in Formula 1!

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Uh, now, I came down here this morning in a Volkswagen Golf GTi.

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It's what I'm using this week, absolutely fabulous car.

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Yeah, very good, not as good as the Fiesta ST, but it is good.

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It is, except for one thing. It's got a really annoying thing on it.

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Has anyone got a Golf at the moment with its eco tips?

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-You get the...

-I do.

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How annoying are they?

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You're driving along and every now and again it'll just flash up

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a little message on the dashboard, it goes,

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"Why not wind your window up? Be more aerodynamic."

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Cos I want to get some fresh air.

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"Why not change up a gear? It'll be more..."

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"Why not, why not shut up," is what you want to say to it all the time.

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It drives you... I'd go mad with it!

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If I worked at VW, in their software department thing,

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I'd put some messages in there but with a time thing,

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so that it didn't appear until after I'd retired, really.

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You'd be driving along, and it would say,

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"Wind the window up. Why not slow down a bit? Why not change up?"

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Then it would suddenly just say,

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"Why don't you go and boil your head?"

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But it would only say it once,

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so you wouldn't be sure if you'd actually seen it.

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And then another time you'd be driving,

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it might be three years later. You'd be driving along, and it would say,

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"Wind your window up, change gear."

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Then it would suddenly go, "You've wasted your life."

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But you'd only see that once, you see.

0:17:320:17:34

That would really freak drivers out!

0:17:340:17:37

It could suddenly just say,

0:17:370:17:38

"Your wife's had an affair with the bloke next door."

0:17:380:17:41

And you'd get to the dealer and say, "It said that!"

0:17:410:17:43

And he'd say, "No, it didn't, it can't have said that."

0:17:430:17:45

It didn't, it can't have done.

0:17:450:17:46

But the thing is, though, it would take Volkswagen

0:17:460:17:49

a long time to work out.

0:17:490:17:50

Then they would have to call you up and say,

0:17:500:17:53

"Mr May, step into my office."

0:17:530:17:54

Ah, but I've retired. I'm dribbling in an old folks' home

0:17:540:17:57

laughing at people who bought VW Golfs.

0:17:570:18:00

Now, I have one more piece of...

0:18:000:18:02

I think, ladies and gentlemen, you're going to enjoy this.

0:18:020:18:06

The mayor of Bristol, OK,

0:18:060:18:08

he announced fairly recently that he was going to allocate

0:18:080:18:11

£2.3 million of public money

0:18:110:18:14

which will be spent on 13,000 signs

0:18:140:18:18

saying that there will a 20mph speed limit across the whole of Bristol.

0:18:180:18:22

This is the mayor.

0:18:220:18:23

He's just been caught speeding.

0:18:230:18:25

LAUGHTER

0:18:250:18:27

I think we should all take a moment to compose our faces appropriately.

0:18:270:18:32

-Yeah.

-I'm going to go for serious and disapproving.

0:18:320:18:34

Oh, no! How did...? Oh...

0:18:360:18:38

He actually said, afterwards, he commends Avon and Somerset police

0:18:380:18:43

for being so vigilant in catching him.

0:18:430:18:45

I bet he didn't say that when the letter came through the post box.

0:18:450:18:48

Right, let's move on.

0:18:480:18:50

Now, last year McLaren gave us the astonishing P1,

0:18:500:18:54

and Porsche gave us the equally fantastic 918.

0:18:540:18:58

But we've always known that there is another hybrid supercar coming.

0:18:580:19:04

Well, it's not coming any more.

0:19:040:19:06

It's here, it's the one you've all been waiting for,

0:19:060:19:09

and I have been driving it -

0:19:090:19:11

The Ferrari, the Ferrari!

0:19:110:19:13

'McLaren and Porsche may believe they've created good-looking cars

0:19:230:19:27

'in the P1 and the 918.

0:19:270:19:29

'But I think they need to get their pencil cases out again,

0:19:340:19:38

'because THIS is what a supercar should look like.'

0:19:380:19:42

And THIS is what a supercar should sound like!

0:19:570:20:01

ENGINE ROARS

0:20:010:20:03

No miserable V8s or puny little turbochargers -

0:20:110:20:14

THAT is Ferrari's Greatest Hit!

0:20:140:20:17

The sound of 12 cylinders properly arranged in a V.

0:20:190:20:24

Molte grazie!

0:20:240:20:26

And then there's the price.

0:20:330:20:35

LaFerrari has the other two licked there, as well.

0:20:350:20:38

The Porsche 918, £646,000.

0:20:400:20:44

The McLaren V1, £866,000.

0:20:440:20:48

The LaFerrari?

0:20:480:20:49

A million pounds!

0:20:510:20:53

That's a proper price!

0:20:530:20:54

No muckin' about!

0:20:540:20:56

'And there's more.'

0:20:570:21:00

Pinky and Perky have been at great pains to explain

0:21:000:21:03

just how clever the McLaren and the Porsche are.

0:21:030:21:06

Well, this is also very clever.

0:21:060:21:10

It's built from not one,

0:21:130:21:16

but four different types of carbon fibre

0:21:160:21:20

to keep it as light as possible.

0:21:200:21:22

In fact, it's lighter than the Porsche OR the McLaren.

0:21:220:21:26

The driver's seat is fixed,

0:21:270:21:29

and, instead, it's the wheel and pedals that move.

0:21:290:21:32

This means you don't need a seat mechanism,

0:21:320:21:35

which means the driver can sit lower, the roof can be lower,

0:21:350:21:39

and that drops the centre of gravity...

0:21:390:21:43

to the benefit of cornering.

0:21:430:21:46

Then, we come to the engine.

0:21:460:21:48

Like the McLaren and the Porsche, LaFerrari is a hybrid -

0:21:510:21:55

it has a petrol engine AND an electric motor to drive the wheels.

0:21:550:21:59

BUT...whereas the other two can be driven on electric power alone,

0:21:590:22:03

like a Toyota Prius, the Ferrari can't, because, Ferrari say,

0:22:030:22:08

"We are not interested in electric cars."

0:22:080:22:11

Instead, the battery and electric motor combination

0:22:110:22:15

works a bit like the kinetic energy recovery system in an F1 car.

0:22:150:22:20

In very simple terms, it captures energy that's normally wasted -

0:22:200:22:24

during braking, for example - and keeps it for when you need it.

0:22:240:22:28

The electric motor, the petrol engine -

0:22:380:22:39

they're all working together, all of the time.

0:22:390:22:42

You cannot separate them.

0:22:420:22:44

This is simply a 950 horsepower supercar.

0:22:460:22:51

But, despite the racing technology,

0:22:540:22:57

you don't find yourself in a world of austere track-car misery.

0:22:570:23:01

You've got the sat nav,

0:23:030:23:05

the air conditioning...

0:23:050:23:07

It's perfectly comfortable.

0:23:070:23:09

Actually, it's very civilised.

0:23:090:23:13

However, this is also supposed to be the fastest

0:23:160:23:20

and most exciting road car

0:23:200:23:22

Ferrari has ever made.

0:23:220:23:24

And to find out how exciting, we must come here...

0:23:250:23:28

Ferrari's Fiorano test track.

0:23:300:23:32

To Prancing Horse fans, this is the sacred tarmac

0:23:340:23:37

where the company's greatest F1 cars were born.

0:23:370:23:40

But when I rolled up, "sacred" wasn't the word that came to mind.

0:23:420:23:47

THUNDER

0:23:470:23:51

Oh, cock!

0:23:530:23:55

'After two hours of dithering on the start line...'

0:23:550:23:58

Pedals a little bit further away.

0:24:000:24:01

WHIRRING

0:24:010:24:03

No, that's too far away. Hang on.

0:24:030:24:05

WHIRRING

0:24:050:24:06

'..the track was finally dry enough for me to have a go.'

0:24:060:24:09

Red, red, red, red...

0:24:120:24:14

God's holy trousers!

0:24:260:24:28

Strewth! I'm already at the first bend.

0:24:380:24:40

Lots of brakes.

0:24:400:24:42

That, ladies and gentlemen, is 950 horsepower for you!

0:24:460:24:50

And while we're at it,

0:24:510:24:52

950 horsepower is a slam-dunk Top Trump over the other two.

0:24:520:24:55

And so is the top speed - 218mph.

0:24:580:25:01

'But it's not just the amount of horsepower that's impressive,

0:25:040:25:07

'it's the way it's served up.'

0:25:070:25:09

Even if you're a bit clumsy or a bit timid,

0:25:100:25:13

as I am being on this one,

0:25:130:25:15

you've still got that enormous grunt.

0:25:150:25:17

It just hits you like a runaway train.

0:25:170:25:19

That's the KERS system working.

0:25:210:25:23

That's exactly what it's for.

0:25:230:25:25

'On top of that, Ferrari has remembered

0:25:270:25:29

'that not everyone who'll drive this car

0:25:290:25:31

'will be called Sebastian or Vettel.'

0:25:310:25:33

Because LaFerrari will go quite a lot faster than you can think,

0:25:380:25:42

Ferrari do quite a lot of thinking for you.

0:25:420:25:44

It has for example a very, very sophisticated

0:25:440:25:47

traction control system based on Formula 1 tech,

0:25:470:25:50

and you can leave it turned on.

0:25:500:25:52

Why not?

0:25:520:25:54

Stops you crashing.

0:25:540:25:55

LaFerrari also bristles with active aerodynamics.

0:25:570:26:00

That's not new on a supercar,

0:26:000:26:02

but this system is controlled by 21 computers...

0:26:020:26:07

which means, according to the Ferrari eggheads,

0:26:070:26:10

even I should be able to take Fiorano's notorious Turn 7...

0:26:100:26:14

..flat out.

0:26:150:26:16

Active aerodynamics - here we go.

0:26:190:26:21

Don't bottle it, don't bottle it!

0:26:220:26:26

Oh-ho-ho-hoo...!

0:26:260:26:27

It works! Look at that!

0:26:290:26:31

The faster you go, the better it works!

0:26:340:26:36

I mean, like Jennifer's McLaren,

0:26:380:26:41

it is pure rear-wheel drive,

0:26:410:26:43

and that's quite intimidating, but it's not a widowmaker.

0:26:430:26:46

Ah-ha-ha-ha...!

0:26:510:26:54

Oh, my God!

0:26:540:26:55

Oh, yes!

0:26:570:26:58

Wahey! (Sorry!)

0:27:020:27:04

Right, let's just slow this down a bit.

0:27:060:27:08

Richard Hammond, he says the Porsche 918 -

0:27:080:27:11

that's the one that takes the hybrid supercar the furthest.

0:27:110:27:14

It's the most responsible, if you like.

0:27:140:27:16

Jeremy likes the P1 because he says

0:27:160:27:18

it takes an idea that was essentially an environmental one

0:27:180:27:22

and uses it to make the supercar more dramatic.

0:27:220:27:24

'In this respect, the Ferrari is more like the McLaren.'

0:27:270:27:30

Except for two things...

0:27:320:27:34

LaFerrari looks better...

0:27:350:27:38

and I reckon it IS better.

0:27:380:27:40

This is the greatest car in the world!

0:27:420:27:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:020:28:05

Well, now there we are.

0:28:050:28:06

Here we are.

0:28:060:28:08

Now you may remember last year,

0:28:100:28:13

after Hammond had driven the Porsche I said to him,

0:28:130:28:16

that if it turned out to be faster around our track than the McLaren

0:28:160:28:20

I would change my name by deed poll to Jennifer -

0:28:200:28:23

you remember that?

0:28:230:28:24

-Oh, yeah. You said that.

-ALL: Yes!

0:28:240:28:26

And now we have James May telling us,

0:28:260:28:29

rather bumptiously, I think,

0:28:290:28:30

because he hasn't driven the McLaren or the Porsche,

0:28:300:28:33

that the Ferrari is best.

0:28:330:28:35

So, who here would like to see which of these cars

0:28:350:28:40

is the fastest round our track?

0:28:400:28:42

-EVERYONE:

-Yes!

0:28:420:28:44

So would we.

0:28:440:28:46

So would Porsche.

0:28:460:28:47

But we have a problem.

0:28:470:28:49

McLaren has said that we can't do the test at our track.

0:28:490:28:53

What?

0:28:530:28:55

Well, hang on - our track is also McLaren's track.

0:28:550:28:58

-That's where they developed this car.

-Yes, I know,

0:28:580:29:00

and because I know that, I also know that they know

0:29:000:29:03

that the twiddly bits at the Hammerhead, and so on,

0:29:030:29:06

will favour the four-wheel drive system of the Porsche.

0:29:060:29:09

All right, we'll do it at a different track.

0:29:090:29:12

Well, that brings us on to the second problem.

0:29:120:29:14

Ferrari has spent the last six months saying,

0:29:140:29:16

"No, we don't want to do it, at all.

0:29:160:29:18

"Cos we're not interested in speed, or 0-60, or lap times..."

0:29:180:29:21

Really(?)

0:29:210:29:22

That's what they've been saying, but... I kid you not, they have.

0:29:220:29:25

But in the last couple of weeks or so, they've started to soften

0:29:250:29:29

and say, "Well, maybe we can lend you a car."

0:29:290:29:31

Well, there you go then. Game on.

0:29:310:29:33

No, see, there's another problem.

0:29:330:29:34

McLaren is saying they will only do this

0:29:340:29:37

if all of the cars are customer cars,

0:29:370:29:39

they're production cars that have been sold - yes?

0:29:390:29:41

They don't want them turning up with sticky tyres and 17 turbos on them.

0:29:410:29:45

Ferrari is saying they'll only do it

0:29:450:29:48

if the cars DO come direct from the factory.

0:29:480:29:51

Well, all right, then.

0:29:510:29:52

We'll find someone who has a Ferrari a Ferrari, and borrow it.

0:29:520:29:55

I know someone who has one.

0:29:550:29:57

So do I, James. They've covered us on that one, I'm afraid.

0:29:570:30:00

Ferrari has actually said, to us,

0:30:000:30:02

that if any Ferrari owner

0:30:020:30:04

lends us a Ferrari a Ferrari,

0:30:040:30:06

they will make sure that person can never ever buy

0:30:060:30:09

a limited edition Ferrari ever again.

0:30:090:30:11

-AUDIENCE MURMURING

-I kid you not!

0:30:110:30:14

-Ridiculous...!

-I kid you not.

0:30:140:30:15

I've never heard anything like this.

0:30:150:30:17

Pony club mothers have got NOTHING on the people who make these cars!

0:30:170:30:20

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Nothing!

0:30:200:30:22

It doesn't make any sense! If I built any of these cars - any of them -

0:30:220:30:25

the first thing I'd want to do

0:30:250:30:26

is see how fast they were compared to the others.

0:30:260:30:29

That's what they're for!

0:30:290:30:30

Honestly, if I were a teacher and I had McLaren and Ferrari in my class,

0:30:300:30:34

I would box their ears!

0:30:340:30:36

I'd say, "Go and see the headmaster and come back when you've grown up."

0:30:360:30:39

-Look.

-What?

0:30:390:30:41

They are here, the track's there... Let's just do it!

0:30:410:30:43

Yes, James. They're here and they're locked

0:30:430:30:45

and those two security guards have been provided,

0:30:450:30:48

to make sure we don't just take them out on the track after the show.

0:30:480:30:51

-You're kidding?

-I am not kidding.

0:30:510:30:52

So, this is it? It ends here, it's not gonna happen?

0:30:520:30:55

No, no, no, no. We're not giving up.

0:30:550:30:56

We've actually heard this week of a man in the Middle East

0:30:560:30:59

who owns one of each of these cars,

0:30:590:31:00

and he may be willing to lend them to us.

0:31:000:31:03

Well, there you go. Give him a call.

0:31:030:31:05

He's called Bin Laden.

0:31:050:31:06

LAUGHTER

0:31:060:31:08

I'm not kidding, he is.

0:31:080:31:09

What, as in...Bin Laden?

0:31:090:31:11

No, he's dead. It was definitely on the news. I saw that.

0:31:110:31:14

He's a cousin of that one.

0:31:140:31:16

Well, you can't judge a man by his cousin.

0:31:160:31:18

You're absolutely right, Hammond. You can't.

0:31:180:31:21

-But things go wrong on Top Gear, yes? All the time.

-Yeah.

0:31:210:31:23

Do you want to make the call -

0:31:230:31:25

"Hello, Mr Bin Laden. I've just crashed your Porsche into your Ferrari"?

0:31:250:31:29

I don't want to make that call, you're right. No.

0:31:290:31:31

So here we are, we haven't done it, but we're not going to give up.

0:31:310:31:34

OK, in fact, what we're hoping -

0:31:340:31:36

and I hope you all hope the same thing -

0:31:360:31:38

is that, on Monday morning,

0:31:380:31:39

we get a call from Ferrari and from McLaren saying -

0:31:390:31:43

"You know what, let's do this thing." Do you want to hear that?

0:31:430:31:45

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-"Let's just do this thing."

-Come on!

0:31:450:31:48

APPLAUSE

0:31:480:31:50

Anyway, it is now time...

0:31:540:31:56

It's now time to move on

0:31:560:31:58

and put a Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.

0:31:580:32:01

In fact, all week, we've had people ringing me up

0:32:010:32:04

saying, "How on earth are you going to top Will Smith, from last week -

0:32:040:32:08

"star of I Am Legend and Hancock and so on?"

0:32:080:32:10

Well, that is easy, because tonight, we have, as my guest,

0:32:100:32:13

the runner-up in the 2009 X Factor competition.

0:32:130:32:18

Ladies and gentlemen, Olly Murs!

0:32:180:32:20

-What's happening?

-Good evening.

0:32:230:32:24

-Jeremy.

-How are you?

-Good to see you, how are you?

0:32:240:32:26

-Very well. How's things?

-Hello! Good, thanks.

0:32:260:32:29

-He's here!

-Ah.

-Have a seat.

0:32:290:32:32

It's a pleasure. Wow.

0:32:320:32:34

Now, I know that was a slightly mean introduction,

0:32:350:32:37

but actually, being a runner-up in X Factor

0:32:370:32:41

is better than winning it.

0:32:410:32:42

Oh, I...yeah, I suppose it is.

0:32:420:32:44

But, um, obviously I wanted to win the show, I'm Mr Competitive - so.

0:32:440:32:48

I know, but if you win X Factor,

0:32:480:32:49

what, you end up back in Homebase in a week.

0:32:490:32:51

-OLLY LAUGHS

-Or on a cruise liner.

0:32:510:32:54

Yeah, but I think it's lucky, no matter where you finish on the show -

0:32:540:32:57

you don't know where you'll finish.

0:32:570:32:58

I thought after about a year or two I'd probably be,

0:32:580:33:01

you know, in a call centre again, so...

0:33:010:33:03

Cos it is - I'm just thinking, One Direction came second.

0:33:030:33:05

-Yeah...no...

-JLS came second.

0:33:050:33:08

Oh, no, One Direction finished third, JLS finished second.

0:33:080:33:11

I'd be standing there, at the end, judging on the facts and figures,

0:33:110:33:13

going, "Please don't let me win, please don't let me win."

0:33:130:33:17

Cos then I'll be successful, like you, cos...

0:33:170:33:19

Oh, cheers, thank you.

0:33:190:33:20

How successful - how many albums have you sold now?

0:33:200:33:22

-Um...

-10 million?

0:33:220:33:24

No, it's 10 million in total, but, um...

0:33:240:33:26

-That's a lot.

-For singles and everything.

0:33:260:33:28

I think the albums, about three million, I think?

0:33:280:33:30

-That's a lot of albums these days.

-Well, I'm delighted, yeah.

0:33:300:33:32

I mean, it's not really an album market so, um...

0:33:320:33:35

No, I'm delighted that everyone's been buying my album, so thank you.

0:33:350:33:38

And what did you do then before singing to Simon Cowell?

0:33:380:33:41

I was just working in a call centre. I was giving people advice

0:33:410:33:44

on how to save money on their energy bills.

0:33:440:33:46

So you were living in Bombay?

0:33:460:33:48

LAUGHTER

0:33:480:33:51

No - no, no this was just in Witham in Essex.

0:33:510:33:53

-You are an Essex boy?

-Essex boy, yeah.

0:33:530:33:55

-Yeah.

-Through and through, yeah.

-And not just an Essex boy,

0:33:550:33:58

but we are talking about a major petrolhead, are we not?

0:33:580:34:01

100%, yeah - love my cars.

0:34:010:34:02

I'd say that before I was famous and got into this, you know,

0:34:020:34:06

I didn't have the most glamorous car.

0:34:060:34:08

What was your first car?

0:34:080:34:10

My first car was a Fiat Ciquento.

0:34:100:34:13

LAUGHTER

0:34:130:34:15

-I think it's Cinquecento.

-Cinquecento.

0:34:150:34:16

Which of course was made famous by The Inbetweeners.

0:34:160:34:19

Exactly - there it is.

0:34:190:34:20

I've still got that, that's still at my house.

0:34:200:34:22

-Is that actually yours?

-It's still mine, yeah.

-Oh, wow.

0:34:220:34:25

Do you know what, though? I spent more money...

0:34:250:34:27

That car cost me 895 quid and I spent, I think,

0:34:270:34:31

950 quid on the sound system for it.

0:34:310:34:35

So I could bowl round Essex -

0:34:360:34:38

"Hey, what's happening? All right, boys?"

0:34:380:34:41

I'm presuming as well if you'd won X Factor and you got that,

0:34:410:34:44

there would've been a few trouser-related incidents in that.

0:34:440:34:46

Oh, God, yeah. Well, the one...

0:34:460:34:48

Oh, God.

0:34:480:34:50

My fans will tell you I'm always ripping my trousers.

0:34:510:34:53

I...I was at work one day -

0:34:530:34:55

I was actually working in recruitment then.

0:34:550:34:57

And, um...I was just lifting some boxes,

0:34:570:34:59

about 10 o'clock in the day, I moved down to lift the boxes

0:34:590:35:01

and I ripped all the backend of me trousers out.

0:35:010:35:03

And I want to go home. So I got in my car

0:35:030:35:05

and I've drummed out of the car park,

0:35:050:35:07

I've just turned round the corner, got up towards the traffic lights.

0:35:070:35:10

And I've just gone to put my seat belt on.

0:35:100:35:12

All of a sudden, the police car's just come round the corner, seen me do that

0:35:120:35:15

and pulled...and gone in behind me.

0:35:150:35:17

-And I'm like, "Oh,

-BLEEP."

0:35:170:35:19

So then I drove to Tesco's car park, pulled over, then got out.

0:35:190:35:23

And obviously I'm stood there, in the middle of Tesco car park

0:35:230:35:26

at lunchtime, with all me bits hanging out.

0:35:260:35:28

Oh, it was so embarrassing! They gave me...

0:35:280:35:31

I think they gave me a £60 fine or something.

0:35:310:35:33

Oh, you got a £60 fine for having your...?

0:35:330:35:35

-LAUGHING:

-No, no - they probably could have got me done for that!

0:35:350:35:39

-Oh, the seat belt.

-For the seat belt.

0:35:390:35:41

Well, who here would like to see Olly's lap?

0:35:410:35:43

CROWD: Yeah!

0:35:430:35:45

Play the tape.

0:35:450:35:47

CHEERING, MUSIC PLAYS

0:35:470:35:49

Oh, I was...

0:35:520:35:54

OLLY LAUGHS

0:35:540:35:56

Oh...

0:35:560:35:58

-APPLAUSE

-Sorry, mate.

0:35:580:36:00

That was a gig, a lap on a lap.

0:36:010:36:04

I didn't have time to prepare myself then -

0:36:040:36:06

I actually thought that was the lap, so I was like, "Phew!"

0:36:060:36:09

No, that...well, it was your lap, but not the lap we're talking about.

0:36:090:36:13

-Presumably, now that the Fiat is parked up somewhere...

-Yeah.

0:36:130:36:17

..you've gone on, as a car enthusiast,

0:36:170:36:20

to buy something a little bit more, I don't know, starry.

0:36:200:36:23

No - well, yeah, no, I went for a few BMWs

0:36:230:36:25

and then I decided, I was like,

0:36:250:36:27

"You know what? I'm going to go big."

0:36:270:36:28

So I went and got myself a Bentley Continental GT.

0:36:280:36:32

Oh - now, that's an interesting car, actually. Which one have you got?

0:36:320:36:35

It's just a Continental GT V8.

0:36:350:36:38

That's correct.

0:36:380:36:39

-Yes. OK.

-Because there's so many mines you can tread on on your way.

0:36:390:36:43

-It's not a convertible, is it?

-No.

-No.

0:36:430:36:44

You see, I think the convertible makes you look stupid.

0:36:440:36:47

Yeah, cos whenever you see a convertible Bentley,

0:36:470:36:49

people've always got, like, the bright blue,

0:36:490:36:52

or it's in bright red or it's white or...

0:36:520:36:54

-And they've got an orange face.

-Yeah.

-And you're in Cheshire.

0:36:540:36:56

-Or Essex.

-Or Essex.

0:36:560:36:58

LAUGHTER

0:36:580:36:59

Anyway - now you came down here, cos interestingly, we have had

0:36:590:37:03

a slight problem with The Stig today.

0:37:030:37:05

I mean, this is not a word of a lie.

0:37:050:37:07

We had Will Smith here last week, as you probably know.

0:37:070:37:09

The Stig had never heard of him.

0:37:090:37:11

-Shut up!

-Kiefer Sutherland, a couple of weeks ago -

0:37:110:37:14

never heard of him.

0:37:140:37:15

There was Ed Sheeran, week one - no idea.

0:37:150:37:18

-He doesn't know who anyone is.

-Wowsers.

0:37:180:37:19

He came here this morning - Olly Murs,

0:37:190:37:22

he's completely in love with you.

0:37:220:37:24

Nah!

0:37:240:37:25

LAUGHTER

0:37:250:37:27

The Stig, you are his - apart from The Carpenters, obviously -

0:37:270:37:30

his absolute favourite artist.

0:37:300:37:32

You know what, can I just say this?

0:37:320:37:34

I don't know if people want to know this information,

0:37:340:37:36

but I'm delighted with it - I went...

0:37:360:37:38

I walked into the toilet to have...you know.

0:37:380:37:40

He was in there.

0:37:400:37:42

-Have you seen his penis?

-Well, no, well...

0:37:420:37:45

He was wearing his helmet still, so it wasn't...

0:37:480:37:51

He wasn't...he wasn't...

0:37:530:37:55

I thought he was going to be holding his helmet, but I suppose...

0:37:550:37:58

LAUGHTER

0:37:580:38:00

This is all big news!

0:38:030:38:05

But wait, wait...

0:38:050:38:06

Well, my best ever celebrity story was, um...

0:38:060:38:09

You can't top that!

0:38:090:38:10

It was another toilet incident with Gary Barlow which...which was...

0:38:100:38:14

-IMITATES GARY BARLOW:

-Absolutely fantastic, yeah.

0:38:150:38:18

But now I've gone to the...I've been in the toilet with the Stig,

0:38:190:38:22

it's pretty amazing.

0:38:220:38:23

-Anyway...

-Yes.

0:38:230:38:24

It was...presumably, you went out in the Vauxhall Astra Tech Line.

0:38:240:38:29

-Yes.

-Many laps, many practices?

0:38:290:38:30

Loved it, did a few, quite a few practices, really.

0:38:300:38:33

I was giving it some, like, "Come on!" I could feel it.

0:38:330:38:35

You know when you get to the end, you're like, "Come on!"

0:38:350:38:38

Would you like to see the real, actual lap in a car?

0:38:380:38:41

-CROWD: Yeah!

-Here we go, let's have a look.

0:38:410:38:43

ENGINE REVS, TYRES SCREECH

0:38:430:38:46

We're away.

0:38:460:38:48

Come on, baby.

0:38:480:38:49

Purr with me!

0:38:490:38:51

You're looking like Val Kilmer in there.

0:38:510:38:54

Oh, yeah, that's aggressive turning.

0:38:550:38:57

Same line that Ricciardo was using the other day, very good.

0:38:590:39:03

# Don't cry for me, Argentina... #

0:39:030:39:08

Don't sing that here.

0:39:090:39:11

There we are, nicely done through...

0:39:130:39:15

Sorry for my language, Mum, I apologise, didn't mean to swear.

0:39:150:39:19

You haven't sworn.

0:39:190:39:21

-Right, you've gotta

-BLEEP

-do this!

0:39:210:39:22

No, you have sworn now. That was swearing there.

0:39:220:39:26

OK, that's about as perfect as it comes, that is.

0:39:270:39:32

As is that.

0:39:320:39:34

No real understeer, that's good to see.

0:39:340:39:36

70...

0:39:360:39:37

80...

0:39:390:39:40

Yep, flat through there.

0:39:420:39:45

-Yeah, I felt...I felt good going through there.

-Yeah.

0:39:450:39:47

I got into fourth gear just as I got to the tyres.

0:39:470:39:51

-That's what you...

-This was the bend.

0:39:510:39:52

This is the - oh, look at it squirming there,

0:39:520:39:54

that is nicely held.

0:39:540:39:56

It's a good chassis, that, but you're getting the best out of it.

0:39:560:39:59

and that is bob-on as well.

0:39:590:40:01

There we are, across the line!

0:40:010:40:02

Ah!

0:40:020:40:04

So there we go.

0:40:050:40:07

Where do you think you've come, on the board?

0:40:110:40:14

My aim was 1.46 - I just wanted to...

0:40:140:40:18

You wanted to beat Hugh Jackman.

0:40:180:40:20

-1.46 is an ambitious...

-I know.

-Very ambitious.

0:40:200:40:24

Oh, God, put me out of my misery.

0:40:240:40:26

As long as I've beaten Jack, that's all I care about, come on.

0:40:260:40:29

-Everybody could beat Jack.

-I can't look - tell me when.

0:40:290:40:31

Stevie Wonder next week - he's going to beat Jack.

0:40:310:40:34

LAUGHTER

0:40:340:40:35

You did a one...

0:40:370:40:38

..40...

0:40:400:40:41

You want me to say "six", don't you?

0:40:430:40:45

I'm going to say four.

0:40:460:40:47

AUDIENCE GASPS

0:40:470:40:49

No!

0:40:490:40:50

So actually, you're up there with only Aaron Paul,

0:40:520:40:56

-as in Breaking Bad, on 1.44.7.

-Shut up.

0:40:560:40:59

-LAUGHTER

-He's on a seven.

0:40:590:41:01

So if it's lower than seven, you're the fastest ever.

0:41:010:41:05

It's six.

0:41:080:41:09

YES! Come on!

0:41:090:41:11

You did it!

0:41:110:41:13

Get in! Oh, my God!

0:41:130:41:16

-That's the fastest we've ever had.

-Whoo!

0:41:160:41:19

The fastest man in all of the world!

0:41:190:41:22

Olly Murs!

0:41:220:41:24

I didn't...I didn't finish runner-up!

0:41:240:41:27

-That is the fastest we've ever had.

-Oh, my God.

0:41:270:41:29

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:41:290:41:31

Olly Murs - the fastest man ever round our track!

0:41:310:41:36

Oh, thanks, Jeremy.

0:41:360:41:38

Now, there are many truly great car companies,

0:41:420:41:46

all with rich, magnificent histories -

0:41:460:41:48

there's Ferrari, Jaguar, Lancia, Maserati

0:41:480:41:52

and so on and so on.

0:41:520:41:54

Yes, indeed, but tonight, James and I

0:41:540:41:57

are going to look at the history of the most brilliant,

0:41:570:42:00

most inventive car company of them all -

0:42:000:42:04

Peugeot.

0:42:040:42:05

For thousands of years, there was only one way

0:42:130:42:16

of crossing this spartan landscape

0:42:160:42:19

in the vast, dusty heat of North Africa.

0:42:190:42:22

This was it.

0:42:250:42:26

It was used by the Greeks, the Romans, the Berbers,

0:42:280:42:31

the Phoenicians, the Vandals, the Arabs, the Carthaginians,

0:42:310:42:34

the Ottomans, the French, the Tuareg, the Italians

0:42:340:42:38

and the British.

0:42:380:42:39

But then, in 1968,

0:42:420:42:44

the camel's 4,000-year monopoly was ended...

0:42:440:42:47

CAMEL GRUNTS

0:42:470:42:49

..by the Peugeot 504.

0:42:490:42:52

Many people imagine it was Land Rover or Jeep

0:42:590:43:02

that brought internal combustion

0:43:020:43:04

to the world's most impregnable backwaters,

0:43:040:43:08

but really, it was this.

0:43:080:43:10

The King of Africa, as they called it.

0:43:110:43:14

Yes, it had good ground clearance and parts were cheap,

0:43:160:43:20

but what really endeared this mighty Peugeot to Africa

0:43:200:43:24

was its rugged dependability.

0:43:240:43:26

You regularly hear tales around these parts

0:43:280:43:30

of 504s that have done a million kilometres

0:43:300:43:34

and which have been to places that no Land Rover could reach

0:43:340:43:38

without falling to pieces.

0:43:380:43:40

40 years ago, then, Peugeot was a byword for sturdy toughness

0:43:420:43:46

and common sense.

0:43:460:43:48

But then, in 1983, Peugeot decided

0:43:490:43:53

it didn't want to make strong, sturdy, beige cars any more.

0:43:530:43:58

It wanted to throw off its sensi-panties

0:43:580:44:01

and be sporty and frivolous and fun.

0:44:010:44:04

So it completely changed direction.

0:44:040:44:07

It employed a brilliant "chef de suspension"

0:44:100:44:13

and came up with cars like this -

0:44:130:44:15

the 505 GTi, a sports saloon to rival any BMW.

0:44:150:44:21

And then there was the 405 Mi16,

0:44:240:44:27

which sounded like it was a machine gun,

0:44:270:44:29

and it went like one.

0:44:290:44:31

But best of all, Peugeot gave us this...

0:44:340:44:36

The phenomenal 205 GTi,

0:44:370:44:40

a car that was fast...

0:44:400:44:42

..even with James May at the wheel.

0:44:440:44:46

Was this the best hot hatchback of the '80s?

0:44:470:44:49

Well, it was definitely a contender, wasn't it?

0:44:490:44:51

JAMES LAUGHS

0:44:540:44:55

It's still good.

0:44:550:44:56

It's hard to believe that this was made by the same people

0:44:580:45:01

who did the 504 -

0:45:010:45:02

made by the same species, even.

0:45:020:45:04

But this wasn't the first time

0:45:070:45:09

that Peugeot had completely changed its mind

0:45:090:45:11

about what it wanted to be.

0:45:110:45:13

The company began in 1810 making steel

0:45:150:45:18

and it was very, very good at it.

0:45:180:45:21

So good that, in 1840,

0:45:210:45:23

it decided to start making wooden pepper grinders.

0:45:230:45:26

Now, these...they were the best pepper grinders in the world.

0:45:260:45:29

So, naturally, in 1852, Peugeot started to make...

0:45:290:45:33

..corsets.

0:45:330:45:35

And then, 30 years later,

0:45:350:45:37

it thought, "No - what we actually want to make

0:45:370:45:40

"are bicycles."

0:45:400:45:42

And this is what they came up with.

0:45:420:45:45

-And it is brilliant.

-BELL TINKLES

0:45:450:45:46

It is a superb bicycle.

0:45:460:45:49

But naturally, having made a superb bicycle,

0:45:490:45:51

the next logical step was to become a manufacturer

0:45:510:45:54

of munitions.

0:45:540:45:56

The shells they made were excellent. World-class.

0:45:560:46:00

But then the Second World War broke out, the Germans arrived,

0:46:000:46:04

and Mr Peugeot decided he didn't want to make munitions any more.

0:46:040:46:08

In fact, he didn't want to make anything.

0:46:080:46:10

So one night, he laced his factory with explosives

0:46:100:46:13

and blew the entire place to smithereens.

0:46:130:46:18

After such a varied history, it's hardly surprising

0:46:180:46:21

that Peugeot should make this sudden swerve

0:46:210:46:23

from building dependable workhorses to exciting, sporty cars

0:46:230:46:27

like the 205 GTi.

0:46:270:46:29

And nor is it surprising, given the quality of their steel

0:46:290:46:32

and their grinders and their corsets

0:46:320:46:34

and their bicycles and their munitions,

0:46:340:46:36

that they were unbelievably good at it.

0:46:360:46:39

A turbo-charged four-wheel drive version of the 205 called the T16

0:46:430:46:48

won 16 rounds of the Rally Championship...

0:46:480:46:51

..beating the might of Ford, Audi and Lancia

0:46:540:46:59

with two back-to-back world titles.

0:46:590:47:02

And back in the showroom,

0:47:040:47:05

the sporty cars kept on coming.

0:47:050:47:08

Peugeot was on a roll.

0:47:080:47:10

But then one day, in Paris, there was a meeting.

0:47:120:47:17

FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS

0:47:170:47:19

-Messieurs...

-Mm?

0:47:220:47:24

The time has come for us to stop making this sporty car.

0:47:250:47:28

-Mon Dieu!

-Sacre bleu!

0:47:280:47:31

But what shall nous do instead?

0:47:330:47:36

Er...coat hangers? Umbrellas?

0:47:360:47:39

How is zees for a plan?

0:47:390:47:42

We make terrible cars,

0:47:430:47:45

in every way 'orrible.

0:47:450:47:49

Maybe tres ugly!

0:47:490:47:51

Oh, oui, oui, oui!

0:47:510:47:52

And le engine tres 'orrible.

0:47:520:47:55

Oh, nasty, unreliable, uncomfortable.

0:47:550:47:59

Et l'interior fabrique en...spit et Kleenex.

0:47:590:48:02

-Spit et Kleenex. Oui, oui, oui!

-Oui, oui, oui!

0:48:020:48:05

C'est une bonne idee, n'est-ce pas? Oui?

0:48:050:48:09

Ne regardez pas un cadeau de cheval dans la bouche.

0:48:090:48:13

Messieurs, salut la voiture horrible!

0:48:130:48:17

ALL: Ohhhh!

0:48:170:48:20

And get the chef de suspension up here

0:48:200:48:22

so we can fire him immediatement.

0:48:220:48:24

Oh, yes.

0:48:240:48:25

This breakfast meeting will put Peugeot on the map

0:48:250:48:28

for many years to come - make no mistake.

0:48:280:48:31

This is what resulted -

0:48:330:48:35

cars like the hateful 1007,

0:48:350:48:38

the absurd 407,

0:48:380:48:40

the woeful 607,

0:48:400:48:41

and the shockingly bad 3008 -

0:48:410:48:45

cheaply made, sloppy handling, lacklustre dung, the lot of it.

0:48:450:48:51

MUSIC: Take My Breath Away by Berlin

0:48:510:48:53

The adverts changed, too.

0:48:530:48:55

Out went the burning cornfields and the jumping 205s,

0:48:550:48:59

and in came tosh like this...

0:48:590:49:01

Buy a car, four wheels and some seats

0:49:030:49:06

for just £99 a month

0:49:060:49:07

with £1,000 cashback plus another £2,000 cashback.

0:49:070:49:10

Easy finance and a free - yes, free -

0:49:100:49:13

locking petrol filler cap!

0:49:130:49:15

APR 29.4%. Subject to terms and conditions.

0:49:160:49:19

You must be able to sign your name to have a car.

0:49:190:49:21

Your knees may be at risk if you do not keep up repayments.

0:49:210:49:23

The results were immediate.

0:49:260:49:28

Sales went through the roof.

0:49:280:49:31

Peugeot may have been good at making sturdy cars and sporty cars,

0:49:310:49:35

but it seemed they were absolutely brilliant at making terrible cars.

0:49:350:49:41

Yes. And to find out just how brilliant,

0:49:410:49:43

Jeremy and I are going to do an experiment.

0:49:430:49:46

He has bought this mildly fire-damaged 307 CC.

0:49:460:49:50

You can see where the fire was just here.

0:49:500:49:52

It's out now, so that's OK.

0:49:520:49:54

Good. Yes.

0:49:540:49:55

And I have bought this utterly dreary 407.

0:49:550:49:59

And now, we're going to test them

0:49:590:50:01

as if we're not interested in cars at all.

0:50:010:50:05

In these horrible cars, it didn't take us long

0:50:080:50:11

to get the hang of being modern Peugeot drivers.

0:50:110:50:14

ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

0:50:140:50:17

Maniac!

0:50:210:50:22

And...turn...

0:50:240:50:27

Why oh why do those idiots on Top Gear criticise Peugeot?

0:50:310:50:36

I mean, look, six-speed gear box.

0:50:360:50:39

This is particularly brilliant -

0:50:390:50:41

you've got your light switch here, off, and then here,

0:50:410:50:44

especially off.

0:50:440:50:46

So two...two-and-a-half revs, another gear...

0:50:500:50:55

GEARS GRINDING

0:50:550:50:57

Oh, no, you're supposed to press...

0:50:570:50:59

GRINDING AND CLATTERING

0:50:590:51:02

That's it.

0:51:020:51:03

Soon, James had an accident.

0:51:070:51:10

Damn and blast.

0:51:160:51:17

Oh, dear.

0:51:180:51:19

Oh, dear, dear, dear...

0:51:210:51:22

-You crashed again?

-Yeah.

0:51:320:51:35

Didn't you crash on this corner this morning?

0:51:350:51:37

Yeah. I haven't got round it once yet.

0:51:370:51:39

It is tricky. I don't know why they put corners on...

0:51:390:51:42

I mean, why would you?

0:51:420:51:44

Well, I was going quite fast.

0:51:440:51:46

I was in third.

0:51:460:51:47

Oh!

0:51:470:51:48

While James's car was being towed out of the ditch,

0:51:490:51:52

I took the opportunity to demonstrate

0:51:520:51:54

yet another incredible standard feature on my car.

0:51:540:51:57

If you want to lower the passenger window,

0:51:590:52:01

you can do that from a switch on the driver's door.

0:52:010:52:03

But if you want to get it back up again...you can't.

0:52:050:52:09

So, you have to go round to the other side, OK,

0:52:090:52:13

and use the button here.

0:52:130:52:16

But, if you do that, you're going to trap your arm in this gap here.

0:52:160:52:23

Now, Peugeot's thought of that, OK? Obviously, you can't open this door.

0:52:230:52:26

There's no door lock, that's for security reasons.

0:52:260:52:28

So you pop back round here - and this is incredible -

0:52:280:52:34

simply pull this switch, OK?

0:52:340:52:37

Windows ALL go down now.

0:52:370:52:39

The roof detaches, and now...

0:52:410:52:43

Now look - I can lift the window

0:52:450:52:49

without getting my arm trapped.

0:52:490:52:52

Can you see? Brilliant.

0:52:520:52:55

With James's car out of the ditch,

0:52:580:53:00

we relaxed by tuning in to Radio Peugeot.

0:53:000:53:04

RADIO: Jeremy Vine, BBC Radio 2.

0:53:060:53:08

"Is Britain full?" is how we started this.

0:53:080:53:11

Alison in Warfield in Berkshire texts and says,

0:53:110:53:13

"I can't park at Waitrose.

0:53:130:53:15

"So, yes, we are too full."

0:53:150:53:17

Good caller.

0:53:170:53:19

THUD

0:53:220:53:23

That's very nice of him. He just gave me a little push there

0:53:230:53:26

to let me know he was coming past.

0:53:260:53:28

Corner! Corner!

0:53:310:53:32

TYRES SQUEAL

0:53:330:53:35

I've done it. I'm round.

0:53:450:53:47

Despite the soothing tones of Radio Peugeot...

0:53:500:53:53

RADIO: Do you think you may have the worst-tasting water in Britain?

0:53:530:53:56

Do call us if so - 0500 288 291...

0:53:560:53:58

..we found the journey very stressful

0:53:580:54:00

thanks to badly placed road signs...

0:54:000:54:03

..and busy junctions.

0:54:060:54:07

Maniac.

0:54:090:54:10

Maniac.

0:54:110:54:12

Maniac.

0:54:130:54:15

Yobbo.

0:54:150:54:16

Maniac.

0:54:160:54:17

Mani...oh, hold on, I think there's a chance here.

0:54:170:54:20

ENGINE REVS, TYRES SQUEAL

0:54:220:54:23

Ohhh...damn it!

0:54:230:54:26

-RADIO:

-You've got Johnny Foreigner coming over here,

0:54:260:54:28

they don't pay a penny...

0:54:280:54:30

ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

0:54:300:54:32

Bloody council not mending the bloody roads.

0:54:350:54:37

-OVER RADIO:

-James, there's a corner coming up, a corner.

0:54:420:54:45

There's a sign saying, "corner". Do take care this time, OK?

0:54:450:54:48

To be honest, I didn't notice James's latest accident

0:54:520:54:55

because I'd found yet another feature in my amazing car.

0:54:550:55:00

If I push this button here that increases the temperature,

0:55:000:55:04

and then hold it down for a little while...

0:55:040:55:08

-CRACKLING

-There we go.

0:55:080:55:10

Lovely, lovely. Mm-mm, smoke!

0:55:100:55:14

Obviously, there's a fair bit of choking you have to go through,

0:55:140:55:17

but, um...look at the result!

0:55:170:55:20

-COUGHING:

-People like a...a real fire in their homes.

0:55:210:55:25

I've got one in my car.

0:55:250:55:27

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

0:55:270:55:29

It's a good job this car has a chimney.

0:55:290:55:31

Obviously, that's a very good design feature.

0:55:310:55:33

When I met up with James again,

0:55:360:55:37

it was at the Peugeot driver's worst nightmare -

0:55:370:55:41

a double mini-roundabout.

0:55:410:55:44

Now...

0:55:460:55:48

Dear God. Right, that's clear...

0:55:550:55:57

HORNS HONKING

0:56:040:56:07

I don't know.

0:56:130:56:14

It's...

0:56:190:56:20

Maniac!

0:56:330:56:35

Oh, God - no more double mini-roundabouts ever, please.

0:56:400:56:44

After such a terrifying ordeal,

0:56:460:56:48

we needed hot sweet tea to calm our nerves,

0:56:480:56:51

so we went to a nearby garden centre.

0:56:510:56:54

RADIO: Will Hull e-mails, "I suggest we bring back workhouses.

0:56:550:56:58

"That would deter people exploiting the state

0:56:580:57:00

-"and having as many children as they want."

-A space there, nearly.

0:57:000:57:04

Entrance?

0:57:040:57:05

I'll have to come in forwards.

0:57:150:57:16

A cup of tea. Ooh...perfect.

0:57:330:57:36

-Have you seen this, James?

-What?

0:57:490:57:51

-Carrots stop you getting cancer.

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:57:510:57:55

But The Mail said it was toma...tomatoes.

0:57:550:57:57

Or was it tomatoes give you cancer?

0:57:570:58:00

I thought Diana gave you cancer. Or was it house prices?

0:58:000:58:04

No, immigrants do house pr...

0:58:040:58:06

Oh, I get confused.

0:58:060:58:08

'Afternoon tea over, we got back on the road.'

0:58:080:58:12

Maniac!

0:58:190:58:21

After a busy day, we were heading home,

0:58:230:58:26

and to get there, we'd fitted our cars

0:58:260:58:28

with something called "satellite navigation".

0:58:280:58:32

Incredible device. It was a present from my children.

0:58:320:58:36

It knows where I am on the planet and then it can get me to my house.

0:58:360:58:41

All I have to do is as I'm told.

0:58:410:58:43

So I go left here...yes...

0:58:440:58:49

Right, according to the electric map, I go right.

0:58:500:58:54

This is, um...

0:58:560:58:57

..overgrown - the council should really do something

0:58:590:59:02

about this road here.

0:59:020:59:03

It's weird, isn't it? You hear stories all the time

0:59:050:59:07

about idiots who, "Oh, I was following the satellite navigation

0:59:070:59:11

"and I drove off a cliff or into a canal",

0:59:110:59:13

and you think, "What a moron!"

0:59:130:59:15

Must be a shortcut. Bloody clever.

0:59:200:59:24

And here we are. Home sweet home!

0:59:280:59:32

Ah, joy!

0:59:320:59:35

So, there we are - Peugeot.

0:59:370:59:40

They were brilliant at making strong cars.

0:59:400:59:43

They were brilliant at making sporty cars,

0:59:430:59:45

and for the last decade,

0:59:450:59:47

they have been brilliant at making terrible cars.

0:59:470:59:51

This really is THE perfect car for the world's imperfect drivers.

0:59:510:59:57

RADIO: "The simple way to stop speeding is to hand a jail sentence

0:59:571:00:00

"to anyone who's caught breaking the speed limit,

1:00:001:00:02

"and that will sort the problem."

1:00:021:00:04

Jenny in Ramsgate, Kent...

1:00:041:00:06

CAR HONKS, ALARM BLEEPS

1:00:061:00:07

But here's the worry.

1:00:091:00:10

Soon, it will be time for Peugeot to change its mind again

1:00:101:00:14

and think of something new.

1:00:141:00:15

And who knows what that'll be.

1:00:151:00:17

Knowing Peugeot, it could be...

1:00:171:00:19

..a type of inert gas.

1:00:201:00:22

The Peugeot nine-piece Rhythm and Blues band.

1:00:231:00:26

Only time will tell.

1:00:261:00:29

MUSIC: Take My Breath Away by Berlin

1:00:291:00:31

Really?

1:00:411:00:42

Worst thing ever on Top Gear, the choking -

1:00:421:00:44

I've never, never ever had anything worse

1:00:441:00:48

than being choked to death in a car on fire.

1:00:481:00:50

-Hang on.

-What?

-Hang on a minute.

1:00:501:00:52

Are you two saying that Peugeot have spent ten years

1:00:521:00:56

deliberately making terrible cars?

1:00:561:00:59

-Mm.

-Well, yeah - you can't make cars that consistently bad by accident.

1:00:591:01:03

No, think about it, Hammond, think about it.

1:01:031:01:05

What is the point of making a car

1:01:051:01:07

with complicated brakes and expensive suspension

1:01:071:01:09

if you're just going to sell it to someone

1:01:091:01:11

who only wants Jeremy Vine and easy finance?

1:01:111:01:13

Exactly - you make cars as cheaply as possible

1:01:131:01:16

and then sell them to people who won't notice.

1:01:161:01:18

I mean, think of it this way, OK? Right now, even as we speak,

1:01:181:01:21

nine million people in Britain are so uninterested in cars,

1:01:211:01:25

they're watching that Midwife thing on the other side.

1:01:251:01:27

And you're saying they're all Peugeot drivers?

1:01:271:01:30

Yes, I am, and they're all going to be absolutely heartbroken

1:01:301:01:33

when Peugeot starts making cows.

1:01:331:01:36

And on that bombshell, it's time to end.

1:01:371:01:39

Thank you so much for watching. See you next week. Good night!

1:01:391:01:42

In this episode of the world's biggest car programme, Jeremy Clarkson and James May encounter artillery shells, corsets and classic hot hatchbacks as they take a nostalgic look at one of the world's most interesting and varied companies - Peugeot.

Meanwhile, Richard Hammond is at the test track to compare the crisp precision engineering of the new Porsche Cayman GTS with the thunderous all-American muscle of the latest Chevrolet Corvette.

Also in this show, James tests the sensational 950-horsepower LaFerrari hypercar hybrid on glorious Italian roads, and singer Olly Murs is the Star in the Reasonably Priced Car.


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