Episode 6 Top Gear

Tonight, James experiences the sheer grunt of a Chevrolet Silverado.

I go airborne in a Ford Velociraptor.

And Richard Hammond carries some wood.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello, and good evening.

Hello. Now...

Thank you very much. A while back I heard that Lexus

was working on a car called the RCF.

It would be a two-door coupe with a five-litre V8 engine

and it would take on the smaller AMG Mercs and M-powered BMWs.

And I was very excited.

I couldn't wait to give it a spanking round our track.

And now I have.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

I expected it to be sharp, but violent.

Raw, but civilised.

Powerful, but controlled.

I expected a bank of Tokyo hi-tech...

..with the exhaust bark of a mad dog.

But actually it turned out to be fat and useless.

REALLY fat.

With two people on board, it weighs nearly two tonnes.

So look what happens when you put it in a drag race with a BMW M4.

ENGINES REVVING

Three...two...one...

go!

The BMW just walks away.

I have 40 more horsepower than he does and I'm being humiliated!

The enormous weight means it's no good in the corners, either.

I have got many, many different settings in here

and I've got G-SHIFT control, whatever that is.

And VDIM.

I've got STANDARD, ECO, SPORT S,

SPORT S+, something called SLALOM.

Doesn't matter which one you select,

you just get yards and yards

of wearisome understeer

and then a lot of electronic interference.

There is, however, another setting in the RCF

which makes it even worse.

If you put it in SPORT+ and then push this button here...

Look! I'm now in EXPERT mode.

It says it there.

I have told the car that I am an expert.

I don't need the electronic stuff, I can manage.

Oh, God!

Lurchy. That's the word I'm looking for there. Lurchy.

It's really struggling to deal with the weight.

Come on!

Why are you doing that?!

I'm an expert, look. Look how I'm going round this corner.

That's an expert use of the... Oh, I'm on the grass.

The simple truth of the matter is you can put John Prescott

in a pair of running shoes...

but it won't make him an athlete.

I really don't like this car.

I don't like the way it looks, I don't like the way it goes,

I don't like the way it feels.

But what really annoys me,

what really gets my goat

is that I know Lexus can do so much better.

A few years ago, they gave us the LFA.

A car which, I'll admit, has many faults and irritations.

The seat belt, for example, is incredibly difficult to do up. Um...

There are no cup holders, it's impossible to plug your telephone

or whatever into the stereo system,

and the fuel tank is the size of a disposable lighter,

which means you have to fill up every five minutes,

and then you have to get out,

and then it takes you a week to do your seat belt up again.

I still haven't done it!

It's like giving myself a prostate exam.

But these little things pale into insignificance

when you unleash its astonishing V10 engine.

ENGINE REVVING

It produces 552 horsepower.

That means 0 to 60 in 3.7 seconds.

It also means a top speed of 202

and, even more amazingly, it revs from idle to the red line

in an almost unbelievable 0.6 of a second.

But the best thing is the noise.

ENGINE ROARS

It sounds baleful, it sounds like a wild animal that's...

sad about something.

"Oh, nooooooooo!

"I've got my paw stuck!

-REVS BLIP

-"Ow!"

REVS BLIP

"Ow!"

-REVS BLIP

-"Ow!"

This is what I was looking for in the new Lexus,

a sense that the engine is actually alive, that it's a sentient being.

And there was more I was looking for, too.

The LFA does not have an EXPERT facility,

or a G-SHIFT thing, or VDIM.

It corners well because it's well-engineered.

And it's light - very light.

TYRES SCREECH

And I love the way that it feels so violent and raw.

This car is simply out of this world.

And look at the difference in styling.

See how one looks like that stupid food that's drizzled in jus

and served on a bed of stupid beans

to idiots in over-priced restaurants.

And the other is as simple as a freshly-picked blackberry.

I know that this costs five or six times more than the new RCF,

and I know it's full of carbon fibre and all sorts of clever engineering

that you can't reasonably expect to find

further down the fiscal food chain,

but surely they could have captured the spirit of this car, the essence,

its soul, and transplanted that into the RCF.

Surely they could.

Or maybe they couldn't.

Maybe the LFA is so good,

not even the people who made it know how to make it again.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Um, you said you were going to give it a spanking.

-Yeah.

But you gave it a kicking.

Well, it's rubbish. It is absolutely rubbish. In fact, it's so bad

I'm not even going to bother getting the Stig to take it

round the track, it would just be a complete waste of time.

Oh, now, we ought to bring you up to speed with the latest in car news.

Okie-doke.

A new Skoda coming out, it's called the Superb.

There it is, mainly for mini cabbers.

But what you really need to know is underneath,

if you peel away the body, it's basically a Golf, OK?

There's another new Skoda, the Octavia vRS -

that's a Golf as well.

New Audi, RS3 Sportback, here it is.

That's a Golf.

New Skoda Fabia.

-Ah, is that a Golf?

-No, that's a Polo.

-Is it? Oh, it's confusing.

-It's not confusing.

-It is.

No, it's not, it's really, really simple.

All cars are basically a Golf underneath or a Polo,

or a Fiat 500,

except for this - this is the Citroen DS5.

That's basically a Peugeot underneath.

And the Fiat 500X, that.

-Well, is that not a Fiat 500?

-No, that's an Alfa Romeo.

-Is it?

Anyway, that's cleared up this week's motoring news for you.

Moving on, do you remember that six-wheeled

Mercedes G Wagon that I drove? The six-wheel drive thing.

-Yes, in the desert, yes, yes.

-Yeah, a massive thing.

Well, Mercedes have now announced that they're making

a four-wheel version of it.

-Oh, there it is.

-There, look at that.

So they've made a four-wheeled version of the six-wheeled version

-of the four-wheel car they already had?

-I think it looks great.

Massive wheels made possible by portal axles so it's raised up.

It's got about 422 brake horsepower, I think it is,

from its V8 twin turbo.

It is quite costly.

£200,000 for that.

AUDIENCE GASPS I know, I know,

but, if you look closely, it's got side pipes! Oh, yes!

And, all of a sudden, ladies and gentlemen, Richard Hammond

has become uncomfortable in his trousers.

Well, I love... I do love side pipes.

I can tell that from the shape of your front pipe!

Oh, is it showing? Sorry.

Now, philosophy news.

Everybody...

No, don't groan, because I know it sounds dreary but...

driverless cars are coming, as we know,

and somebody pointed out this week -

and I think it's rather a good point -

that they will have to make, from time to time, ethical decisions.

What, like, should we cancel Third World debt?

No, James, not that. You're driving along, OK?

And you're heading towards an accident. You're not driving, you're

sitting there. You're heading towards an accident, it's going

to be fatal. The only solution is to swerve onto the pavement,

but there are two pedestrians there.

What does the car do?

Wow, is this the Moral Maze or something?

No, it's a genuine thing.

Cos, basically, you will have bought a car that must be programmed,

in certain circumstances, to kill you.

It will go, "Well, there's two there,

"there's only one person in me, "I'm going to kill him."

And you'll just have to sit there as the lorry comes

-and there's nothing you can do.

-Well, maybe driverless cars

will have to come with, like, an override button.

Just a big button with "ME" on it. So, in a crash - save me!

-Just hit that.

-Or maybe it could have a sliding scale.

So you can say, look, if there's a load of children on the pavement

obviously don't run them down, but cyclists...

LAUGHTER

We are in dark territory here, aren't we?

Well, the interesting thing is all of us are programmed,

because we're humans, cos we're animals, basically,

to look after ourselves. Self-preservation always kicks in

-and you will swerve away from danger.

-Not necessarily.

Well, now, you say that, but recently scientists conducted

an absolutely awful, genuinely awful experiment,

but with a very interesting result.

They got a load of monkeys with their babies and put them in a box,

and then they heated the floor up - this actually happened,

you know, I'm just reporting -

they heated the floor up till it became really unbearable

and all of the monkeys picked up their babies and held them.

But when the floor got hotter and hotter until it was absolutely

unbearable, every one of them put the babies down and stood on them.

GASPING AND GIGGLING

I'm... I'm surprised...

I'm surprised you didn't save this for the Christmas show, mate.

LAUGHTER

What a lovely story, what a nice tale(!)

I love a story!

I'm just saying, these driverless cars, everybody goes,

"Aren't they clever? They can stop at red lights."

They are going to have to face all sorts of things,

like who do I kill now?

We are programmed to look after ourselves and these driverless cars

are going to be programmed to do the maths and say,

"A lot of people over there, I'm going to kill you."

And whether to stand on a baby monkey.

LAUGHTER

Now, Brooklands, world's first purpose-built racetrack,

-do you remember it?

-Well, no. He will.

Oh, yeah, he will, obviously.

We've got some footage of it here to remind everyone.

This was just outside London, and look at it,

everybody walked fast and were in black and white in those days.

And you went, unbelievable, look at this, 120mph on the banking.

And then there's James May, look, in his pedal car.

And then it was just fantastic.

But the war started, they built an aeroplane factory on the circuit

and that was the end of that.

Ever since, there's been a group of enthusiasts who want Brooklands

to reopen, and last week, actually, they were given a grant

by the lottery people of £4.6 million.

And I just think that's going to be brilliant.

Get that back - Astons, Bentleys belting around at the weekend,

Fotherington Sorbet wheel-to-wheel with the Duke of Wyndham.

It's a very good idea for an appealing Sunday afternoon,

watching the toffs kill themselves.

You just pop down the A3 on a Sunday afternoon,

"Let's go and watch the Earl of Bradford's head come off."

-How much did you say they'd been given?

-£4.6 million.

Well, that's not enough, is it? The shopping centre next to our office

-cost one and a half billion.

-Yes, exactly, it isn't very much,

you're quite right, well spotted, Hammond.

In fact, all they can afford to do with that is rebuild

the start/finish straight.

Hang on, just the start/finish straight of a race circuit

-is not much use in itself.

-No.

Unless they spend all 4.6 million on lottery tickets.

It's lottery money, they can take the grant, spend it on lottery tickets

-and win a lot more.

-Good thinking from Richard Hammond there,

he's saved motor racing for the nation.

Now, I know this is a car show, but please bear with us,

because I want to talk about this.

It's one of those watches that's worn by people

who play golf and do business.

And they're always banging on about these pins that you can see here.

Yeah, they say that if they pull those pins out, the watch will send

their precise position to a team of professionals

who will come and rescue them.

So, if they're out climbing a mountain or rowing across an ocean...

Which they aren't, cos they're playing golf and doing business.

But if they were doing those things and something went wrong

-then, thanks to their watch, they'd be OK.

-Ah, but would they?

To find out, the producers decided that one of us should be dumped

somewhere with minimal kit, with virtually no food,

somewhere very, very remote to see if the system works.

Well...

..that's it.

I am now marooned here,

wherever the hell here is.

Bloody hell.

My only hope now is my watch.

So...it's time.

Undo this.

There.

And then pull that bit out...

And that's it done.

Pulling those pins activates a distress signal that's picked up

by a LEOSAR Low Earth Polar Orbit Satellite,

which then forwards my exact coordinates

to a central command centre.

The team here then scramble the nearest highly-trained

search and rescue unit, who arrive at my location within hours.

Sadly, however, today the scramble command has not been sent

to a highly-trained search and rescue unit.

HAMMOND PANTS

..running on petrol.

It's a brilliant idea, and I'm not sure the Ferrari does that.

I think it does, but I think they're just being honest about it cos

they're recognising that it's a means of improving the efficiency.

-Is that your bag ringing?

-BEEPING

Oh, I think this is the signal from our esteemed colleague

-Richard Hammond.

-Is it? Where is he?

Wait a minute. He would appear to be in...Africa, is it?

Let's have a look.

No, I think you'll find that is...

Canada.

Specifically, the Rockies.

Crikey! Um...actually, that is quite serious.

We really do need to get on this, James, so, excuse me...

could we see the pudding menu?

Right.

That bit suspends off this bit.

That watch transmits for 24 hours.

And then that's it.

Right, so this is the mountain, there's my tent.

Mountain, trees, hills. This is all we are.

There's a cameraman, a sound recordist

and a bloke from the office, and he's just a media luvvie.

I know you think there's a five-star hotel

just down there, but there's not.

Nothing else. There's no survival experts here.

Fact of the matter is I'm completely stuck

until Yogi the bore and Boo-Boo get here.

Knowing we were his only hope,

we had some important decisions to make.

Raunchy apple fritters sounds quite interesting. Or pancake with cheese.

James, James, James.

You know in the colonies, Australia, South Africa, America,

-Canada and so on, everybody loves pick-up trucks, yes?

-Yes.

Well, why don't we get a pick-up truck to go and rescue Hammond in?

Because pick-up trucks generally only have two seats

and there would be three of us when we've rescued him.

Why don't we get two pick-up trucks, one for you, one for me?

It would A, increase our chances of finding him,

-and B, there'd be a seat to get him back in.

-But...

In Thunderbirds, inevitably 1 and 2 kind of went first,

-didn't they, always?

-Yeah.

Alan and... No, not Alan - who drove Thunderbird 1?

-Scott.

-Virgil.

-No, Virgil was 2.

-Was he 2?

-Scott was 1,

Virgil was 2, Alan was 3,

-Gordon was 4...

-Gordon!

In Canada, the temperature was a bitter minus 10,

so I urgently needed some warmth.

What would have been wrong with giving me a lighter?

Can't get my fire lit.

Cold beans.

They're a bit frozen in the middle.

'Having finished our lunch...'

I'm not sure about the red, you know.

'..we went to book some flights to Vancouver.'

-OK, you've actually just missed the last flight out today.

-Have we?

-Yeah.

-Oh, what a rotten bit of luck. Shall we go and get another drink?

There's a Delta one that leaves at ten o'clock tomorrow morning.

Don't like Delta's seat upholstery.

Would you go from Manchester?

Manchester... No, you know, this is the BBC,

it think it would be idiotic to go to Manchester.

I mean, that would be just stupid.

There's Lufthansa.

Stewardesses wear trousers.

-There's one from Gatwick which goes via Calgary if...

-Gatwick?!

-He doesn't like Gatwick.

-I hate Gatwick.

WOLF HOWLS

Out there somewhere...

..there are...

bears.

As many as 180,000 black bears.

I can't remember what it was, about 15,000 grizzlies.

ICE RATTLES

Freezing.

In the morning I was cold and exhausted from lack of sleep

but, most of all, I was anxious.

Any minute now.

Any minute.

I mean, they've had 24 hours.

I mean...24 hours.

You can get anywhere in the world in 24 hours, surely.

Where the hell are they?

-I can't remember...

-James.

-It's stopped beeping.

-Well, yeah, it would.

-Why would it?

-Cos the watch thing only transmits the distress signal

for 24 hours, then the battery runs out.

-Seriously?

-Well, yeah, it's only...

Well, did you make a note of where he was?

Well, no, I didn't. You've got the thing.

Well, I... I remember he was on something called...

I think it was Wolf Mountain, and you go up Bear Pass.

Sounds grizzly.

-HE LAUGHS

-That was a good joke.

No, actually, do you know the biggest problem

is not bears and wolves.

Cougars. Loads of cougars.

-Well, that's all right, then.

-No, not that sort of cougar.

Actually, a "Grrrr!" That sort of cougar.

-Oh, you mean like a big cat thing?

-HE SNARLS

As I couldn't move from the spot

where the watch had transmitted the distress signal,

I was hard at work trying to make my life here more comfortable.

I want somewhere to sit.

I can't sit on the snow so I'm building a shelter.

HE STRIKES FLINT

-Spark, you

-BLEEP.

There we go, we have fire.

'And, with my supplies dwindling, I also needed to think about food.'

"Animals for food.

"Guinea pigs.

"All animals can be a source of nourishment.

"A few, including worms and insects, can be collected with little skill."

I'm bored, I'm cold, I'm unhappy, I'm hungry, I'm scared.

Ahh! Ahh!

And I don't want to be wearing a hat!

Just for a minute. Oh.

'To alleviate the boredom and stave off the cold

'I tried to make some SAS-style pine needle tea.'

Ah!

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Where are they?! Just where?!

'Unfortunately, we were a little bit delayed at Vancouver Airport...'

Yes, of course.

'But eventually we made it to the car park,

'where our pick-up truck rescue vehicles were waiting.'

-James?

-Yeah.

That's not a light, that's a collapsed sun, isn't it?

Yeah, never mind that, look.

Mine actually comes up to my nipples.

I didn't realise it was... And do you know what the other thing is?

If I actually find Richard Hammond, I'm not going to see him, am I?

I'll just run straight over him.

Have you noticed something else about mine?

This entire vehicle is a transportation device

for its own spare wheel, look.

-That's all the back's for!

-That's really stupid.

-It's preposter...

-Look at the size of it.

-Look at it!

Anyway, listen, we've got everything we need here.

I've got a big warm coat, I've got a massive car,

a rough idea of where Richard Hammond is.

Yeah, so let's go...

into Vancouver, get a hotel, good night's rest,

get rid of this jet lag.

It's not funny. I don't know what...

They've got to get here tomorrow.

Morning. Early.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Um...

Hold on.

Hold on a minute.

Can I just make something clear?

That's the first time I've seen this film and, um, I'm sorry,

you two went into Vancouver?

-Well, yes.

-To get rid of your jet lag?

-Yes.

No, tiredness kills, Hammond.

-Haven't you seen those signs on the motorway?

-Exactly.

What annoys me as well here is that you chose to do it

-in big American pick-up trucks.

-Well, that's a good idea,

because we hardly ever do big American pick-up trucks on Top Gear.

I know, I'm always campaigning to do them.

I know, and in part two of the film

we do them extensively on many different types of terrain.

Yes! Without me! LAUGHTER

Oh, this is unbelievable! I've never heard such ingratitude.

5,400 miles we travelled to come and rescue you.

-In slow motion.

-Yeah, but we thought you liked tenting!

I do, in the Lake District where there's a bit of drizzle

and you can go out for some cake -

not on top of a mountain at minus ten, surrounded by bears!

Well, we'll find out later on if Richard Hammond manages to be

grateful about any of this but, er,

now it's time to put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car.

Now, funnily enough,

my guest tonight spent quite a lot of time in Canada as well.

Is she an ungrateful, angry little man?

No, no, she isn't, actually. She is the star of both The X-Files

and The Fall - ladies and gentlemen, it is Gillian Anderson!

CHEERING

-I'll kiss you.

-I hope so.

CLARKSON LAUGHS

Excellent. Thank you so much for coming!

So you can remember my name throughout the show?

No, it goes on there. Eventually it goes on there.

But I did have to look whether it was a J or a G.

Now, one of the things that amazes me is you today joined

a very small band of people who have been on this show.

-Including...

-By doing the worst time ever...

-We'll get to that later.

-OK!

How did you know? No, no, no!

-Benedict Cumberbatch, Simon Cowell, Michael Gambon and you.

-What?

All... Everyone's offered a car and driver to come down here

-but you said no, no, I'll drive myself.

-Yeah.

-And you did drive yourself.

-I did drive myself.

-Very rare.

Have you got a problem with drivers or you just like driving...?

-I just like being in control, I think.

-Really?

Ultimately, no, I do like dri... I drive everywhere,

-I drive everywhere.

-You grew up in England, didn't you?

A lot of people have been very surprised to hear you

-talking with an English accent.

-Yeah.

-But you actually did grow up, grew up... Was it London?

-London.

-You grew up in...

-Crouch End and Haringey.

-But then you learned to drive in America.

-At 16.

At 16. And it was a Volkswagen family that you'd come from?

Well, when we were living in London we had a Beetle,

an old original body Beetle, the skinny ones with the pointy tops.

And then when we moved to Grand Rapids, Michigan,

we got what's called a Rabbit which I think a Golf...

A Volkswagen Golf is a Rabbit.

-An actual rabbit.

-Yeah, yeah, but I think they're the same thing.

No, a rabbit's...not a car.

That's what I, that's what I, that's what I...

-It does exist.

-Yes, it does.

So, anyway, you grew up in the UK, ended up in America,

ended up acting, obviously, so presumably you end up in Los Angeles

-at some point.

-Yes.

-What car did you have once The X-Files had taken off?

Well, while I was, I don't know why, but when we were shooting

in Vancouver, I had a Boxster, um, and then while we were in LA,

I did a commercial and they paid me in a car and I got to choose a car.

So I chose an old body 911.

-911?

-Yeah.

-I'd have gone for a Veyron.

Well, I'm sure that the budget, uh, restricted me to a degree.

-Oh, I see, it wasn't like ANY car.

-It wasn't ANY car, but, yeah.

-So you're a fan of the 911 Porsches?

-Yes, very much, yeah.

What is it that you like about 911s?

Um, I liked about that particular car,

I liked how much you could feel the road in it.

It felt, you know, it's a very basic car.

I always think they're popular in America cos 911's what you dial

-if you crash.

-Yeah.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-So what do I... Oh, I know, there's a number.

-Cos it's the same thing.

-That's not bad. That's not a bad accent.

I'm better in the south... but that's about it.

So have you got lots of speeding tickets or are you...?

-I've had a few.

-You have?

The nicest, um, the nicest thing that ever happened

was in Canada on Christmas Eve in Vancouver.

I was properly speeding and a policeman pulled up beside me,

drove in front of me and slowed me down and then

he put his hand out the window and gave me the thumbs up.

And that was it. What's properly speeding?

-Probably about 110.

-Miles an hour?

Yeah. How many tickets have you got? Do you get a lot of tickets?

-I've just got my first in 35 years.

-No!

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

You know when you've got an innocent face like mine,

you don't like to cause offence, which I don't, then you get...

-I smell bull

-BLEEP.

-It was...

LAUGHTER

The other one you had in Los Angeles,

-didn't you have a Land Rover?

-I had a Defe... Yes, I did.

I, um, I fell in love with the idea of having an old-fashioned

Defender, a red one with a cream top and it was as much the look of it

-as anything else and they're a

-BLEEP

-pain in the arse to drive.

LAUGHTER They are.

The wheels are this big and they turn, you have to turn the whole...

-And there's no shoulder room at all.

-No, I bought it for about 12,000,

I put about 35,000 into it,

and I sold it on a celebrity auction for 12,000.

Cos it's only recently they've started making cars...

-BRUMMIE ACCENT:

-"Oh, right,

"you want them to last and work? We never thought of that!"

-They are quite reliable now.

-You and your accents, very impressive.

-Well, you know...

-Was that Australian?

LAUGHTER

Anyway, it's time now to talk about your lap. Cos...

-My 2,765 laps.

-Well, it was a bit like that.

You have set a record - most amount of laps done.

Cos most people come down and do seven or eight. You...

-What? Really?

-Yeah. You did 22.

-Oh!

-I'm going to be brutally honest with you.

-No. I... No, what?

Well, your first five were all over two minutes.

-Right.

-Which is, um...

-Yeah, off the...

-Well, crap.

It sucked at the beginning.

It was wet and I couldn't even I couldn't see the lines

and I got three hours of sleep last night, that doesn't help.

-Um...

-Right, wet, couldn't see the lines.

-Three hours' sleep, yeah.

-Body working OK? Oh, stick shift on...

-Oh, no, frozen shoulder.

-OK, so that's good one, two, three...

-But that... They're not,

yeah, excuses!

-So.

-Yeah, yeah.

Would you like to see your lap?

-Yes.

-Would everyone else like to?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Here we go, let's have a look.

TYRES SCREECH

Whoa, that's a lot of power on the...on the start there.

That's a dirty look.

Keeping it tight, very tight through there.

Tyres being tortured.

-Here we go.

-This is good, this is really good.

SHE LAUGHS

And yeah, it is wet through there.

Well, moist.

-My foot's on the floor.

-Is it?

Right, now the Hammerhead.

Are we going to be too brutal through here?

We are a bit, little bit too much gas.

But held it all together nicely.

Keeping it in the middle of the road on the way out

and, oh, that was a gear change.

I thought I turned on climate control.

Don't get distracted with the Follow Through looming.

Yes, nicely, that's very nicely done.

And, oh, very quiet and smooth.

Here we go, only two corners to go.

Oh, that was a sudden gear change there and only Gambon left.

Very nice through there and across the line.

CHEERING

So, ha-ha!

Bearing in mind, as we've established,

that your first five laps of your 22 were about here.

-Yeah.

-Two minutes. Where do you think you came in the end?

I think I'm probably still below Jack.

-What, slower than 1.54.5?

-I don't know what that means.

-One minute...

-I know what that means.

-It's a unit of time.

-I know.

Well...one.

-Yeah.

-So you improved.

Yes!

..40...

Oh! Oh!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-..Eight...

-No!

..Point five.

-Oh

-BLEEP!

And it was mildly moist. Which is actually...

Oh, wow, yes! I beat Charles Dance!

You beat Charles Dance, you beat Joss Stone,

you beat Kiefer Sutherland.

-That's a reboot!

-That is quite something.

-Wow.

-Yeah, that's one of the fastest wet times we've ever had.

-Or mildly moist. I think it is.

-It was more than mildly moist.

I'll be the judge of what's moist and what's not.

LAUGHTER

-And that was mildly moist.

-OK.

I know what, you are easily not only the fastest wet lap, but also...

-most improved.

-Oh.

So, ladies and gentlemen, Gillian Anderson!

-CHEERING

-Brilliant, that's good.

Now, tonight Jeremy and I are using two huge American pick-up trucks

to rescue Richard Hammond, who's been abandoned

on a freezing cold mountain top in the Canadian Rockies.

We pick up the action after we'd had a good night's rest

in a downtown Vancouver hotel.

We set off before dawn, not knowing exactly where Hammond was.

But we did know he was at least 400 miles away.

So, we had plenty of time to get to know our vehicles.

I am driving a Ford F-150 pick-up truck,

which is, by miles, the bestselling vehicle in America.

Ford sells one of these things every 35 seconds.

And that's only in America, remember - 35 seconds.

If you were to park every F-150 that's ever been made

since 1948, side by side - not end to end, side by side -

the line would stretch round the equator...

twice!

The reason it sells so well is simple - it's cheap.

You can have an F-150 with an automatic gearbox,

cruise control, air conditioning

and a 350 horsepower V8 motor,

for the equivalent of £20,000.

Now, that's what we pay in Europe for a Vauxhall Astra diesel.

By comparison, my pick-up truck is a sales disaster.

What I'm driving here, viewers, the Silverado,

the Chevrolet Silverado, is the second bestselling pick-up truck.

They only manage to shift one of these every minute.

I'm amazed Chevrolet are still in business.

Meanwhile, very far away, my third day on the mountain was beginning.

I didn't sleep last night. I was cold all night.

I'm going to have to get more firewood.

The thought of that, swinging that axe again.

It's probably a good diet, this.

You'll see it on This Morning at some point.

AS LORRAINE KELLY: Well, what you need

is to be abandoned by two good friends.

Well, when I say good friends, I mean bastards.

Look, that's what I call a breakfast,

-thank you very, very much.

-Ah, that's perfect.

After our winter-warming breakfast, we were back on the road

and delving once more into our pick-up trucks.

I'm going to be honest with you - this is no ordinary F-150.

This is the top-of-the-range Raptor model,

which has been beefed up, supercharged and intercooled

and then renamed Velociraptor,

by a company called Hennessey, makers of the Venom,

one of the fastest road cars the world has ever seen.

So, the 6.2-litre V8 that I have under the bonnet

produces - ahem - 623 horsepower.

That's 212 more than standard.

And that makes it quick - alarmingly quick.

ENGINE ROARS

Listen to that!

It's like a jet.

While Jeremy was in a supercharged rocket ship,

I was riding a wave of low-down grunt.

I have at my disposal a 6.6-litre turbo-charged V8 diesel engine.

It develops 765 lbs/ft of torque.

That's more than one of those Supersport Bentley Continentals.

I also have the Z71 off-road pack,

which means I get a lot of under-body strengthening,

beefed-up dampers and it has as standard

a sophisticated four-wheel drive system.

I think for International Rescue, this is like Thunderbird 2.

It's the one that does all the really serious, proper work.

With 52 hours gone and International Rescue

nowhere in sight, I was resorting to extreme measures to find food.

This is the snare. It just tightens, like that.

I lay this on the rabbit trail, which is here.

Foot, caught, rabbit - dinner.

There.

Apparently the way you bait it...

is with pee.

VELCRO RIPPING

UNZIPPING

Another layer.

Two...

UNZIPPING

Four...

UNZIPPING

What if a bear comes now?

Meanwhile, James and I, keen to be ready for any emergency,

had decided to buy VITAL rescue equipment.

Why? What's... What's that bit there for?

It's a can opener, bottle opener.

-What a...

-You need a bottle.

-It's a bottle opener.

It opens beer! Yes, we want them!

Is that...? That's worth having, isn't it?

-What is it?

-Scrapy, scrapy, brushy, brushy.

You don't need a brush.

Well, OK, saw the brush off. I can't buy just one end, can I?

There you go, see, there's just one end.

-But you might as well have a brush as well.

-No, you don't need a brush.

WOLF HOWLS

I haven't made these...

exactly like the ones in the book

cos I once saw Ray Mears make snowshoes

and they were more like this. WIND HOWLS

Aaagh!

Cold!

REALLY COLD!

That's it. That's where I peed.

No rabbit.

It's all rubbish! Nothing works!

-Where the

-BLEEP

-are they?

MUSIC ON RADIO: More Than A Feeling by Boston

# More than a feeling

-# More than a feeling

-When I hear that old song... #

I have my seat heater on, it's very nice.

I really am starting to DEEPLY like my Velociraptor.

This reminds me, and you're going to think I'm mad but it's true,

it reminds me of a 1992 supercharged Aston Martin -

they're very similar.

I used to LOVE that car.

This looks like rather an attractive small town,

I wouldn't mind stopping for something like a cappuccino.

By mid-afternoon, there was still no sign of Yogi and Boo-Boo.

So I prepared myself for a third night in the open.

And if you want to write to the BBC

and say this is some rare type of tree

and has to be preserved, you can stick it up your arse!

I'm sick of the sight of this place.

-I'm a television presenter from Birmingham, not Bear

-BLEEP

-Grylls!

Despite our best efforts, James and I were still more than 150 miles

from our friend and colleague.

Night was falling, the roads were getting worse

and there was another issue.

Sit-rep - James May does not like driving in the snow

and has now REDUCED his speed...

to about three.

To annoy him as much as he was annoying me,

I decided to ignite my collapsed sun.

Right.

-YELLS:

-CLARKSON!

CHUCKLES QUIETLY

I've never, ever encountered a light like that on the front of a car.

Seriously, very funny, but could you turn the big light off?

Only when you speed up.

-YELLS:

-Turn the

-BLEEP

-light off!

It was a long, horrible drive, but mercifully,

when we were just ten miles from Hammond,

we found a lodge where we could spend the night.

And the next morning, I came up with a plan.

Hammond is ten miles away

and 4,000ft above us. So...

we have a race.

And if you get there first, you DON'T have to rescue him.

-Come on, that's an incentive.

-No, you're right, it is, isn't it?

So if you don't get there first, you have to drive, what,

15 hours back to Vancouver

with Richard Hammond in your pick-up truck.

Can you imagine driving 15 hours back to Vancouver

with him either dead or bad-tempered?

-Where the

-BLEEP

-are you?!

I peed in a bottle in my tent last night and it felt dirty!

Enough!

With a good breakfast under our belts,

James and I were planning our routes.

So Hammond is around there, that's where the signal came from -

from his watch. So if I go up what I think is Wolf Pass,

the corpse of Richard Hammond will be around here somewhere.

It's slightly longer, but it's only a little bit longer,

but I'm avoiding that massive rise there. I'm going to go that way.

-Are you ready, May?

-I've never been more ready.

Three, two, one...BEGIN!

ENGINES ROAR

This is an interesting race, it really is,

because although our pick-up trucks...

appear to be the same,

but actually they're not the same at all.

His is all about strength and torque

and this is all about speed and power.

And then there's our driving styles. James's is very...

slow and methodical and full of maths.

Mine's more sort of...

ENGINE ROARS AND WHINES

..put your foot down and hope for the best.

LAID-BACK MUSIC

Traction control is on.

Thumbs outside the wheel - that's the other off-road tip.

Absolutely gorgeous scenery.

Hammond will have been having a lovely time looking at this.

It's like being in a spa.

BLEEP!

HE GRUNTS

YOU...are going on there!

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

In the Ford, I'd decided to use one of God's highways.

Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha!

Rivers, as we know, are level, unless they're waterfalls.

Just hope we don't encounter one of those.

There's my camera. Yeah,

I can now see...

what I'm doing.

Two miles completed.

No serious problems.

THUD!

Jeez!

CLUNKING

Yes, good work.

I love my pick-up truck! I really love it.

Both of us were now off the beaten track

and full of steely determination.

Come on, Jeremy, you need to get there first.

Thunderbird 1 is power-sliding.

Ooh, yes!

This is called "wrestling with the controls".

Whoa!

Ohh!

# Silverado

# Why don't you come to your senses? #

Temperatures and pressures all in the green.

This is shouting and power versus thought and torque.

Come on!

I've got some rooster tails now.

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Good news, Hammond, the Velociraptor works well in these conditions.

Where is he? Where is he?

MIMICS JEREMY AND JAMES "Hello." "Hello. I'm James."

"Oh, I'm Jeremy. Shall we be friends, James?"

"Yes, let's be best friends for ever and ever."

"Right, James, I must tell you all about myself.

"Actually, that's my favourite hobby, telling people how WONDERFUL I am."

"Oh, really, Jeremy? That's funny

"because I AM brilliant at everything."

"Are you?" "Yes, I am, but I'm very modest." "Are you?"

"Yes, that's why I drive a yellow Ferrari." "Do you?"

"I drive everything better than everybody else.

"Let's have another friend

"but let's leave him to die on a mountain top, shall we?"

"That'd be funny. Then we could look really cool..."

Knowing that Hammond would be on high ground,

I was now climbing...

hard.

ENGINE WHINES AND ROARS

God, I love this thing! Really, properly do.

All day yesterday, this was an Aston Martin V8 Vantage.

Now it's a Group B Audi Quattro.

On my route, I too was climbing.

Do your stuff, Z71 pack.

You can actually feel the wheels going,

"Is it this one? Is it that one?

"I'll put a bit of power there. I'll put a bit to that one."

But as we climbed past 4,000 feet,

the going started to get REALLY tough.

Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going.

Thunderbird 2 is still go.

Keep those revs up, keep the wheels spinning.

Come on, Jeremy, you need to get there first.

I do not want to drive back to Vancouver

with my Velociraptor

being soiled by Hammond's cheesy, decomposing bottom.

"Oh, my head's come off." "Has it?"

"Well, a man threw a knife at me but I caught it in my teeth.

"Literally, my head came off." "Oh, but I'm OK."

Oh, are you(?)

In the cock! Ha!

Right in the nads!

Look at that! Jahhh!

# Driving along

# Singing this song... #

Come on.

# ..Something in a winter wonderland. #

-CLUNKING

-BLEEP!

Situation update, viewers. Bit too close to the edge there. Um...

I've got to be careful how I move otherwise I'll fall into the valley.

Still, could be worse.

Whoa! Oh, no!

BLEEP! BLEEP!

Whoa!

Faced with the prospect of having to rescue the world's angriest man...

-Where are you, you pair of

-BLEEP

-middle-aged

-BLEEP!

..James and I had both decided to rip out our own fingernails.

Ow!

Ow!

This made progress MUCH easier.

That feels good. Temperatures and pressures still in the green.

With snow chains fitted, you're supposed to be gentle,

but luckily my colleague doesn't know what that means.

RATTLING

Dig and claw, dig and claw.

Come on! Digging.

Damn and blast!

ENGINE WHINES

Come on!

COME ON!

No, you want to do this, you don't want Richard Hammond in you.

-HISSING

-Oh, no!

The news was grim.

BLEEP!

You are genuinely a bit of a desperado here, Silverado.

Loving that.

And loving that as well.

I'm still coming, Richard Hammond.

And you know what? So was I.

We are under way. Three wheels on my wagon

and I am still rolling along.

Come on, machine.

Where the hell is James May? Where is May?

Bit of beans there.

Slightly less beans there for the climb.

ENGINE ROARS

That's an engine. It's not a plane, it's a car. It's...

That's got to be them!

YELLS: Where the bloody hell have they been?!

Come on. Do it.

Claw.

Stop panicking, just...

ease it off.

Really struggling.

Really struggling here.

Come on!

It's Hammond! Hammond is there!

How can it have taken that long?!

May, bad news. You're going to have to take Hammond back to Vancouver.

That's a powerful vehicle, that is a go-anywhere car.

-So where the

-BLEEP

-have you been?

And he's in an appalling temper, absolutely shocking.

Where are you going? Well, now what?!

Oh, that's your rescue, is it?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

Hold on.

THAT was shocking!

I have seen Thunderbirds and I never saw Alan

flying along, listening to Boston, eating a bar of chocolate.

-No, you say that...

-Neither did I see

Virgil suggesting they stop for a cappuccino -

they were both focused on the job in hand.

Yes. But in that film, we did prove that your watch system works

and both James and I

completely fell in love with our pick-up trucks, didn't we?

Yeah, no, this is a very good point.

Because, let's be honest, for 12 years

we've looked down our noses at big American pick-up trucks.

But having spent quite a few days in them,

we ended up completely besotted.

It's the value that staggers me.

Because American pick-up trucks are exempt from the gas guzzler tax,

they are spectacularly cheap.

Yeah. I'm surprised actually

there aren't more people importing them over here.

Yeah, well, I think the problem is a car - vehicle, I should say -

this size wouldn't really work in Britain.

And there's another problem. Excuse me, Hammond.

I think if you put something in the back,

every time you pull up at a set of red lights

someone is going to nick it.

Yeah, you're dead right. You're dead right.

But even so, I maintain, my Silverado, it was brilliant.

Well, it was, James, but let's be honest,

it didn't actually reach the top of the mountain, did it?

No, I wasn't going to mention that.

Actually, just before the end it did break a driveshaft.

Yeah, I did wonder if you were going to mention that,

because it wasn't in the film.

In the end, neither Thunderbird Fat nor Thunderbird Slow

-actually rescued me.

-That is true.

No, an actual rescue person had to come and save me.

And can I just talk about the four days - FOUR DAYS - of misery

I endured whilst you two dawdled from breakfast

to breakfast in your heated trucks.

No, I'm sorry, there isn't time.

And on that bombshell we really must end.

Thank you so much for watching. Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Jessica (Top Gear Theme)