Episode 4 Top Gear

Hello and welcome to Top Gear.

On tonight's show,

we've got a world exclusive on four wheels and on two wheels.

That's right, we're doing a bike. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But first, if you like huge horsepower hypercars,

and if you're watching this it's safe to assume that you do,

now is a great time to be alive.

There's not a week that goes by without another 1,000 horsepower,

million-pound monster appearing on the scene,

but where did it all begin?

Well, here's Chris Harris, with a quick history lesson.

Once upon a time, there was a car called the Bugatti Veyron.

Volkswagen's passion project,

it launched in 2005 and promptly rewrote the rule book.

Not only was it the world's fastest, most powerful production car,

it cost an unprecedented one million euros.

This was hypercar 1.0 and, without it, we might never

have seen the likes of the McLaren P1, the LaFerrari

or the Porsche 918 Spyder.

But now it's gone - and been replaced by this.

The new £2 million Bugatti Chiron.

Like the Veyron,

it has an eight-litre, 16-cylinder engine, with four turbochargers.

And because this is the car to replace the Veyron,

you would expect it to pack some sort of extra futuristic shove.

But you'd be wrong, because this is basically a very modified Veyron.

The same huge petrol engine, four-wheel-drive system, gearbox -

it's all been tinkered and improved, but this is the old formula.

So, if the Veyron was revolutionary, the Chiron, I'm afraid, isn't.

But it does have...

..1,500 horsepower.

And that... Well, that's a really long runway.

ENGINE ROARS

I'm quite nervous.

ENGINE PURRS

I don't really know how you prepare yourself for this,

so I think you just go, don't you?

Oh, my God!

60. That's 100.

That's 125, that took six seconds.

That's 190. That's 200.

215. I'm trying to read the speed and look ahead.

225. 228.

231. 233.

236 and that's the limit to there.

That is absolutely mind-bending.

I'm sorry, but that...

..needs another go.

This is looking insane.

You can almost hear it gulping down the fuel.

The Veyron could empty its 100-litre fuel tank in 12 minutes.

This thing can do it in nine!

And the force on those tyres - 3,800Gs!

Which means at this speed, the 12mg valve caps weigh 13.5kg.

This is the edge of physics!

At this speed,

this Chiron is gulping 1,000 litres of air a second.

Drink in, Mr Chiron! Get it down you!

That's a drug. That's a drug.

I know it's just going fast in a straight line, but...

just the motive force required to smash you through the air!

Now, if you're thinking, hang on, the Veyron goes quicker than 236,

well, you'd be right, but so does the Chiron.

You see, the Chiron is a two-key vehicle.

The first key nestles in the dashboard here and that gives

you 236mph, but down here, there's another one, if I can find it.

There you go. Look at that.

Put that and turn it down there and you're allowed 261mph.

And because Bugatti is still testing the tyres,

even that speed is still limited. How fast will it go?

270? Maybe 280?

I think we can speculate that, at some point during its life,

the Chiron might well do 300mph.

300mph.

It goes like a £2 million car should, then.

But what about the way it looks?

When I first saw pictures of the Chiron, I was totally underwhelmed.

It looked too much like a Veyron, but now I'm here with it in the raw,

I can get a sense of proportion and the details, and it really works.

This lovely C that houses the air intakes, then round the back here,

to this floating light bar, massive diffuser and huge wing.

It's a stunning-looking thing.

The only problem is this rather nasty 3 door handle,

but otherwise, well, it looks every inch the £2 million car.

As does the interior.

It isn't complicated by huge screens or rows of unfathomable

buttons and switches.

Bugatti intends the Chiron to be timeless...elegant.

Then again, no-one ever criticised the old Veyron for feeling cheap.

But they did criticise it for being a bit, well, dull.

You see, it was admired, but never really adored.

It was so competent, so stable, it all felt a bit joyless.

With the Chiron though, Bugatti has started to have some fun.

To start with, it's got adaptive dampers all round,

so they can slacken off and make the car comfortable

when it needs to be, and firm and responsive when it needs to be.

And the steering is a different world to the Veyron.

It's now electromechanical, it's into the wrists.

The car now feels so much more agile, but easier to place as well.

It's got a front end you can lean on.

And with the four-wheel-drive system revised, as well,

there's even mention of the D word.

Yes, Bugatti says this thing will drift,

so I suppose we'd better find out, hadn't we?

This is my "BLEEP don't crash it" face.

It's like wrestling a shark.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

The traction is mega.

All the power goes to the back wheels, then it goes all

to the front and you have to just grab armfuls of lock.

Rail breaker bit, get the rear to rotate, then follow the gas on.

HE CHUCKLES

Yeah. You can drift the Chiron.

Now, of course, I'm not saying Bugatti has gone and built

some P1 918 LaFerrari baiting trap weapon.

The truth is, the more time you spend with the Chiron, the more

you get the impression those three upstarts don't even feature

on its radar.

What Bugatti has built here is a car with a different purpose.

Above all else, the Chiron is about straightforward speed.

And when it comes to speed, it has no equals.

You can talk about which one of the McLaren,

the Ferrari and the Porsche you would buy, but you don't

with the Chiron.

You either buy a Chiron or no Chiron. There is no competition.

A class apart, then. Well, the Chiron isn't the Veyron.

It doesn't rewrite any rule books or change the way we look

at the automobile,

but there's something oddly appealing about that.

This is no longer the Volkswagen group trying to demonstrate

its technological superiority.

It just wanted to go really, really fast.

It wants to win at car Top Trumps and that's

a pleasingly, pig-headed aim in my book.

And talking of going very, very fast...

Come on. If you were me, you would, wouldn't you?

I'll never tire of this!

Amazing.

Amazing!

I'm a very, very lucky boy.

That's the fastest I've ever been in a car.

-OK, now, you hit the limiter at 236mph, right?

-Yeah.

OK, so I've got to ask you, you had the second key,

why didn't you use the second key and hit the limiter at 261?

-I knew you'd ask that.

-Of course I'm going to ask you that.

Look, this car isn't quite finished yet.

Bugatti's still working on it. That's the reason it can't go

-around our lap, by the way. It's not quite finished.

-OK.

It's so complicated, it's a leap into the unknown.

They're still developing it and I was, sort of, part of that

-development process, actually.

-You are so selfless.

LAUGHTER

Risking your life for the millionaires of the world.

-I mean, it's amazing.

-It's not a millionaire's game,

-this is a billionaire's game.

-Yeah!

-Let me give you some stats.

-Bugatti tells us the average Chiron owner has 42 cars.

-OK.

-Two yachts and 1.6 helicopters.

-LAUGHTER

OK, which 0.6 of that second helicopter do they have, though?

-The expensive bit.

-OK.

Anyhow, of all the mind-bending stats,

I think the tyres might be the most mind-bending part of this car,

because when Bugatti developed this machine,

it had to go faster than anything else had gone before, so it

went to Michelin and said,

"We need a new tyre," and Michelin said, "OK."

But they'd never tested a tyre to 300mph before,

so they had to test it on their aircraft rig to get the tech right

and that's how you have to think of this car.

-It's not so much a car, it's like a land-based jet.

-Yeah. All right,

let's think of it that way. And we're not done with the Chiron,

because later in the show, this car is taking part in a very,

very special race. Trust me, you don't want to miss that one.

-Rory!

-That's right. This has the most horsepower

of any Top Gear film ever and that's not all, because,

and I don't think I'm giving away too much when I say that tonight's

show also features an exclusive appearance from the Smart Fortwo.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yeah.

-That's right.

Now it's time to welcome this week's guest. I love this guy.

This is great. OK.

He is the platinum-selling, Brit Award-winning, chart-topping

megastar who loves to go low.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tinie Tempah!

MUSIC: Girls Like by Tinie Tempah

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-How's it going?

-Pretty good.

-Where do you want me, here?

Yeah, right there is good. So glad to have you here, right? Come on.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Finally! Finally!

-Yeah, yeah. This isn't your first time here.

-No, it isn't, actually.

So, basically, I was supposed to shoot the video for the song

Girls Like in Dunsfold, I was supposed to shoot it here.

And as soon as I got here, it was rainy, rainy as hell.

The light went by, like, 3pm or 4pm, so we couldn't do anything

and then, by 6pm, the director said it was a wrap.

-I watched the video back and it was absolutely

-BLEEP.

It's the worst video I've ever seen.

The worst video I've ever seen in my life, so then we had to rush

-over to South Africa, to do Top Gear, where we met.

-Yeah. Right.

And then, after we finished doing that,

then I got to reshoot the video in South Africa, so actually,

Top Gear and Girls Like have a lot of synergy, there's just a lot

-there.

-Speaking of Girls Like,

-that kind of became an unofficial Top Gear anthem.

-Oh, yes.

On shoots, everywhere we go,

you can always guarantee this man is playing Girls Like.

-You are in his head 24/7.

-I think he just likes to...

I'm not sure he even likes the song,

he just likes, "Go low, go low. Everybody get low."

-That's what he likes.

-I love it.

-You're a bigger part of the show than you think.

-I appreciate that.

-That's on the new album?

-Yeah, it's on the new album, Youth,

coming out pretty soon and I'm excited.

I've been working on it for two years.

I'm like a Londoner, it's an artist from the UK,

born and bred in London and I wanted to be

a rapper when I was growing up and everybody said it was naff.

You could never be a rapper.

A rapper would never get on the radio or get on a show like this

and times have changed. Youth is basically a celebration of that,

you know, just doing something that wasn't really

a thing before and it's a thing now.

Speaking of growing up, what was your first car?

-Oh, OK, so my first car was a Vauxhall Corsa.

-Yes.

-1.1.

-Humble beginnings.

-Yes.

Y Reg, I remember that very vividly and I used to...

Outside my mum and dad's house there was a driveway and I'd, literally,

because I wanted to listen to my music loud and stuff,

I'd just keep the car in the driveway,

invite all my friends, technically, to my house, but to the car,

so they'd get, "No, no, don't go in there. Come in here."

And it was, literally, like,

my little, kind of, like, domain for a while.

-What do you drive now?

-At the moment I'm driving the Lamborghini Huracan.

-Nice.

-We talked about this.

I thought you were going to get a Porsche?

Yeah, I kind of...

I don't know, we spent a week together and I realised that you was

talking a lot, bro, and I was listening to everything

you was saying.

You know you're with, like, Matt LeBlanc, it's like, he's a legend.

I'm just like, "Yes, Matt. Of course, Matt. I will, Matt."

And I got home and I was like, "No, I don't want the Porsche."

-"Screw what he said."

-Yeah, "Screw his advice."

-And how do you like it?

-It's good, yeah. It's a good car.

I'm quite glad he wasn't the guest two weeks ago, when I was...

less than kind about the Lamborghini Huracan.

What did you say about it, bruv?

I said it was a wonderful car for wonderful people.

LAUGHTER

And I went and got it matted as well,

so I got MATT black colour.

Oh, thank you.

OK, what do you think?

Let's see how you did in your training lap with Chris,

who just finished his Tamsin Greig school of social etiquette.

-How did it go out there with him? Good?

-It was good, man.

I've heard a lot of bad things about you, bro.

I've heard a lot of bad things about Chris,

so I wasn't looking forward to it.

It was raining. It was raining,

then we started getting a bit of sunlight, but too much,

so there was glare in the windshield and I was thinking,

"This is probably all because of Chris, somehow."

Like, he's just got... There's just something about him.

He brings misery to the role.

Yeah, he brings misery, but then I started to get upset

and then, after that, I started to realise that he has got a soft...

quite a soft, sentimental side.

Because as I started to get quite worked up,

he was immediately there, to be like, "Don't worry, T..."

-Who has a soft, sentimental side?

-Chris. This guy over here, yeah.

I'm very giving. Just watch the film.

Whatever! OK, let's take a look.

-Right, first gear, please.

-Right.

-First gear, please, Tinie.

-Cool.

-Handbrake off, please.

-Nice and positive.

-See, you like that?

-I love it.

-Now just get on with it, come on.

-It's really slippery.

-Yeah.

And we both want to go home with all of our limbs, don't we?

Yeah, nice and safe.

-Feel that understeer, baby.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Now feel that oversteer on the exit.

-Yeah.

-Whoa!

-Got it, got it, got it.

Now you're alive. Got to go left here at the blue line.

To the left of the tyres. Brake, brake, brake.

-Remember, look for the red line now on your right-hand side.

-Yes.

-It's there. It's there, it's there.

-Oh, spinning out.

-Understeer, understeer, understeer.

-There we go. Am I within the line?

-Is that cool?

-That's good, that's brilliant. Up here.

-Let's go.

-Admittedly, begrudgingly...

Come on! Come on!

It's time for some tunes, man.

RAP MUSIC PLAYS

Brake, brake, brake, brake, or we're off. Brake or we're off.

You know, Toyota make an offroader, as well. It's called a Land Cruiser.

-Is it?

-It's not this one, though.

-Oh, OK.

I'll bear that in mind for next time.

-Good Lord!

-I've got it.

-And over the line.

-Over the line!

-Yes!

-You nearly braked before the line!

-The pressure's too much, man.

I don't know if I can deal with this.

I'm going to get high blood pressure. Come on.

# I'm a boss... #

How did you do it? Teach me the dance move.

Look at this one. Do this one. Just a slow one. Just a slow one.

This is about my Lamborghini.

# My Lamborghini... #

Yeah, just have to dance like a grandad now.

-That's all you have to do.

-Your Lamborghini looks like a shark?

Yeah, my Lamborghini looks like Jaws.

CHEERING

What was that dance you were doing in the car?

I don't really understand.

I was taking some lessons from Tinie about how I should dance

and he said, very reassuringly,

"Dance as you want to. Be a grandpa." So I thought, OK, I would.

I mean, obviously, when my children see that,

that's just going to be appalling, but I tried my hardest.

Look, he dealt very well with the conditions, because it was so wet

it was flooded. The tyre wouldn't deal with the water,

so we were aquaplaning,

and then, the sun came out, so he couldn't see where the line was.

-It was just like a glass surface, wasn't it?

-It wasn't easy, bro.

-It was tough.

-Yeah, that was wet.

We'll see how you did in your timed lap.

-We'll check that out later on.

-Cool.

Now, usually these two get to hoon about in Ferraris and Lambos

and such, but a couple of months ago,

the producers told me there was a new rear engine,

rear-wheel drive sports car that I should take a look at.

Maybe a rival for the Porsche 911. So, I went to check it out.

And this is that rear-engined, rear-wheel drive sports car. Yeah.

I've been stitched up here, haven't I?

It's called the Renault Twingo GT.

And, yeah, like the Porsche 911,

it does have the engine in the back.

And, like the Porsche 911,

that engine does drive the rear wheel.

But I'm calling foul on the whole sports car thing, I'm sorry.

What sport?

What is sporty about this?

Well, right now, not a lot.

Even on a dry day, 0-60 takes over 9.5 seconds and it's got

a top speed of just 113mph.

Those are not numbers to worry Porsche.

They're not numbers to worry anyone.

But according to Renault, this really is a sports car.

Compared to the standard Twingo, the one driven by your nan,

the GT has bigger alloys,

firmer suspension and twin tailpipes.

And, on the left-hand side only, a small intake, which feeds

cool air into the three-cylinder, turbo-charged engine,

which makes 20% more power.

All right, that still only gives it 108 horsepower.

But that doesn't actually matter,

because this Twingo is a different kind of sports car.

It doesn't need power. It weighs less than a ton. It's light.

And the GT costs under £14,000, so it's cheap.

This is a baby hot hatch.

And that is a very good thing.

Because unlike a big hot hatch...

..you're not paying for anything you can't use.

Ha-ha!

Your Ford Focus RSes and your Golf Rs and the like,

great cars, but they're so damn fast.

In Britain at least,

you can only use a fraction of their firepower a fraction of the time.

Not in the Twingo, though.

You can keep your foot buried for 20, 30 seconds,

safe in the knowledge that it's not going to kill you.

It's one of those cars that encourages you to drive

like an absolute hooligan

and, yet, you always stay on the right side of the law.

HE LAUGHS

It's just a really rewarding car to drive.

OK, it's not a Porsche, but it is good.

So, yes, if your name's Chris Harris and you commute to work

sideways over empty, sweeping moorland B-roads,

the Twingo IS going to leave you a bit cold.

But because you're not Chris Harris, and, thank God, neither am I,

we don't commute to work over empty, sweeping moorland B-roads.

We spend most of our time...

..in the city.

And that is what the Twingo is all about.

Because there's no oily, petrolly, motory stuff jammed in

by the front wheels, I can get an insane amount of lock on.

That means it's a cinch to park. It also means I'm agile, I'm nippy.

I'm like a big, orange hummingbird on wheels.

What I'm saying is, you don't need loads of horsepower

to have a good time.

Remember the Peugeot 205 GTi from the '80s?

One of the best hot hatches of all time.

And yet, the Twingo GT has almost exactly the same power

and performance.

This car is retro.

And I do love a bit of retro.

The thing is, if you're after a playful little city car

with that old school appeal, the Twingo does have its rivals.

And helping find the right car for you

is something we take very seriously.

Oh, yes.

Welcome to what, for legal reasons, I'm obliged to refer to as

the Top Gear arcade-based maze re-creation challenge.

Yes, like all classic arcade games, here, the rules are simple.

There's a big maze covered in dots and me and the Twingo

have three lives to drive around eating said dots

without getting got by the ghosts.

And by ghosts, I do mean similarly-priced city car rivals.

Ghost number one is the Brabus ForTwo.

It has the same engine and performance as the Twingo

but only has two doors, two seats and,

for tonight at least, is being driven by a speedy German.

I see you, man pack.

No, it's not man pack, it's... Never mind.

Ghost number two is the new Volkswagen Up!

Yes, it might be five years old, but the king of modern city cars

now comes with a turbocharger, to give it more zip -

especially in the hands of Mr Happy here.

Rory, do you know what corrugated steel tastes like?

I'm sorry, did they have arcade games when you were growing up?

Or were you part of the stick and hoop generation?

Less talky, more smashy.

'Right, three lives to eat up all the dots

'and one handy sat nav map, to help me find them.'

Get ready for an arcade masterclass.

See you later, suckers!

He's going left! Follow, Harris!

Catch me if you can, losers!

Give me them dots, give me them tasty dots.

Yummy, yummy, yummy, come on.

This is good fun!

One thing I've got on my side is that this is the most

manoeuvrable car of the bunch.

A little car. Such a tiny little thing.

And for this job, just perfect.

Now, officially, the Up! is the cheapest car here,

but it has the highest top speed.

'Which is of no use in an arcade maze.'

Handbrake!

Yes! Whoo!

-That was

-BLEEP

-great.

Oh, yes.

This is the best city car, bar none.

Oh, no, no, no! Come on!

-Come on!

-SHE CACKLES

I'm dead. Already!

OK, two lives left, and with nearly a third of the maze cleared,

lots of dots still to eat.

Rory, be a bit less rubbish this time.

HE LAUGHS

We're off. Here we go, here we go.

Don't let them beat you, man. Don't let them beat you!

I'm right behind you. Right behind you!

Oh, Harris is quick!

-He's quick!

-Go, Harris!

'Immediately, the ghosts were closing in again.'

Go, go, go!

'But no retro arcade game would be complete without the odd...'

Here we go! '..power up.'

-Ha-ha!

-Whoo!

-You hit me!

-What are you doing? What's the red light thing?

The red light means stop, Grandad.

'And that gave me ten whole seconds...

'Of ghost-free dot-munching.'

I am on a dot spree now, baby.

I think you'll find they're called biscuits.

Literally, nobody calls them biscuits.

Well, except old people.

-Oh, we can go again.

-Let's go!

-Now we're blocked in.

Whoa!

Oh, the turning circle! The turning circle!

I haven't quite got the turning circle of a Twingo, have I?

Oh, delicious dots. Delicious dots! Mine!

'And with Harris still halfway through his million-point turn...'

I'm not going to catch anyone at this rate, am I?

'..I tried a new tactic. Stealth.'

Stay under the radar.

-Off the grid.

-Ah, we're away. Right, come on.

Where is he?

Think stealth. Think ninja.

Rory! Where are you?

He's hiding. We'll find him.

I'm right behind him.

I'm right behind him. He doesn't even know.

'Yep, my awesome ninja stealth skills let me sneak in

'a few more dots before...'

I got him, I got him!

HE LAUGHS

Yeah, I can see him.

Run away! Run away!

'The city car ghosts were back in the hunt.'

I'm going to catch you, Reid.

Which way? Which way? Which way? Which way? Which way?

-Got him!

-No, no, no!

Oh!

Mate!

HE CHUCKLES

Dude, it's a brand-new Twingo!

'You're better than this, Reid.

'Right, still a load of dots left.

'Last life, no continues.'

Rory, just give up. You're not going to win.

Come on, Twingo, help me out here. Please, please, please.

You can do this, you can do this!

'Game time. Hunting out the last of the dots.'

You're not supposed to wreck all the lights, Reid.

'The Twingo and I were using every trick in the arcade manual...'

Dots, dots, I need dots. Come on.

'..which isn't even a thing..

Oops.

All right, we've got to stop him getting these last biscuits.

I have an idea.

Come on, Twingo! Come on! Yes, yes!

The last dots! Come on!

'We were nearly there, but with the last dots almost within reach...'

That's them. The last dots. Let's go.

Argh!

'..Sabine had set up a dot block.'

Sneaky German ghost!

SHE SQUEALS

Oh, no, you don't, Mr French shopping trolley.

Ha-ha! Ken Block who?

Good skills.

Ah, yes!

-Oh, no!

-Here we go, here we go!

Yes! Nearly there, Twingo!

That's them - the last dots!

Yes! Yes!

Go!

Yes! Yes!

We did it! We did it!

Oh, look, he's doing a victory doughnut.

HE LAUGHS

In your face!

It's not really a doughnut, is it?

More of a kind of crap teacake.

RORY LAUGHS

In your face!

-Victory for the Twingo!

-Victory for the Twingo.

That was... That was great.

That was great.

You know, not a day goes by where I don't find myself

trapped in a maze of shipping containers and wonder,

"What would be the best car to help me escape?"

-Yeah, exactly.

-Now I know.

-Exactly, exactly.

You know what I like about the Twingo, right?

It's the fact that all city cars were, kind of, all becoming the

same, they were becoming clones, but the Twingo is a different way

of answering the question.

It's not the front-wheel drive, it's not, kind of, boxy.

All right, it's not perfect but it's got character.

And when you want to go somewhere, you just pop it in the boot

of your real car and off you go.

OK, now it's time to find out which of these teeny, tiny cars

is fastest around our track,

and that means handing them over for testing.

Not by The Stig, but by The Stig's teenage cousins.

So, there they all are, standing around Snapchatting,

photo bombing, looking for Pokemon Go...

And off the line, the Twingo, rear-engine traction,

has got a little bit of a march there.

There's no room up the inside for that particular adolescent lunatic.

Oh, my God. Imagine what's inside that helmet - all the acne.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Right, turning in, there's not enough room for you there.

Oh, dangerous - headphones on.

What are they listening to? Tinie Tempah, maybe.

Some cool tunes. OK, this is worrying now because

there's not room for two of them going in here.

The Up looking a bit sneaky at the back there.

A tighter line... This is clever.

..and he's going to get the march on the Smart

coming down the back straight.

They don't look very fast, do they? No, not in a straight line.

What's he doing there?

I don't know, talking to his pals on Face Chat thing...

OK, breaking hard down into the Hammerhead.

What's going to happen here?

Well, the Up has got a massive advantage because...

I think because it's front-engined, it looked better.

But look at that sneaky git on the inside there.

Three abreast. I don't how this is going to end.

This looks like a massive insurance claim in waiting, doesn't it?

So let's go through the Follow-Through...

Oh, that's rude! That's rude!

He's cut him right off at the nose there.

And that Smart just looks unstable to me... It looks so short.

So short. OK...

Oh, that's a buttock-clenching moment there.

But the Smart's got the run on the Twingo

heading down towards second-to-last.

Really unstable under breaks -

I don't know what they're playing at here.

I think the Twingo's got this wrapped up.

Second-to-last, Twingo runs wide. Carry... That's just rude!

OK, that's rude! So effectively, a moral victory to the Renault

because he had to get out of the way,

otherwise he'd have crashed into that Stig.

All right, now, because that got a bit out of hand,

we also got The Stig himself to lap all three cars.

Now, only the fastest one of the three earns a place

on the leaderboard, and that was the Smart in 1.49.1.

Which is...

a way down there. OK...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I told you.

-All right, now...

Hold on, hold on. I want to talk about the internet

-for a second...

-Yes.

..because I hear that you and Chris Harris have the same

favourite website, which I've got to say, I find hard to believe

because I know Chris and he's disgusting!

Oh, we definitely do, then. No, I'm joking!

No, my favourite website is actually Auto Trader, bro.

-I love it. Do you love Auto Trader?

-Yeah, I'm addicted.

I love it. Ever since I've been a kid...

For me, I grew up in, like, a council estate, south-east London,

didn't have much, so being able to go online and look at all these cars

at all these ridiculous prices...

I used to type in "£200,000, £1 million,

"let's see what cars come up."

And you'd see all these rare cars, and I just...

I was obsessed with it. So, yeah, it's my favourite website.

-OK. And that's your favourite website, too?

-It is, yes.

To avoid any confusion, that is my favourite website.

What's you second...? No, never mind! Let's not do that.

Tinie, I heard you enjoy an Aston Martin.

Yeah, bro. I... Oh, God!

So I... Luckily, when they launched the One-77

they invited me down to be factory.

So they said to me, "Do you want to borrow one for a week?"

So I borrowed the Aston Martin Virage

and I remember rolling around like just the coolest kid in the world.

I was like 23 years old at the time

and I was dating this girl at the time,

and so when she saw the car, and she was in the car,

she got really, really giddy and excited.

And she said, "We should celebrate. We should..."

LAUGHTER

-Should what?

-Yeah.

-Should what?

-What? What? What?

Don't make this harder than it already is, please.

-But, yeah...

-Is that what you said to her?

Choose your words more carefully.

That Aston Martin badge, I told you.

Yeah, I felt like James Bond for, like, 20 seconds, which was great.

20 seconds?

The good thing is, they don't make the Virage any more

because I don't want to borrow one.

Yeah, don't ever buy... Like, if you see used one floating around,

-don't get that one.

-What do you think?

I think it's time to take a look at Tinie's lap around the track.

-Who wants to see that? AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

-Let's do it. Yeah?

-How do you think it went? How did you think you did?

I think it was cool. I mean, I don't really know how I did.

And it was a swamp out there.

Yeah, the conditions were horrible, but I'm not going to be a moaner.

-I'm not going to make excuses.

-All right, let's take a look.

Off the line.

It's time to make the family proud.

It's a freezing day in England, but I'm actually sweating.

It's nerves, I've got gas today.

LAUGHTER

OK, well, you're using most of the circuit, that's good.

Third gear... Look, at the flooding there!

-Wetter than... What was going on there?

-Whoa!

That was properly lairy. A bit of understeer here. Get on the gas.

-A bit of oversteer on the exit.

-Come on, son!

You're letting it just dance around, aren't you?

-Braking hard now into Hammerhead.

-It's started to rain again.

You're really not...

Really trying to rain on my parade.

SCREECHING

Oi, oi! It's all about the smoothness, T.

It's all about the smoothness.

Smoother than a baby's bottom. Come on.

OK, coming down now to the Follow-Through.

This is going to be tough.

I think I've just farted out of nervousness.

I don't know what to say about that.

That is a massive moment!

Do you know what that face is? That the new underwear face.

So we're going to roll into Second-to-last.

It's slippery here. You got that one right that time.

Breaking hard, keeping it tight. Do you know what?

I think that was the toughest conditions so far

for any of our drivers over the line.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That face!

-Are you happy with that? What do you think?

It's weird because it feels a lot faster than it looked on the screen.

-Yeah, always.

-So while I was driving, it felt way faster

and there it didn't really look that fast, but, I don't know.

Who knows, bro? I don't know.

Yeah, the same thing happens to me in performances.

It always looks a lot better when I'm doing it

then what it actually looks like.

You watch it back and you're like...

All right, now, the top of our leaderboard is still Max Whitlock,

the iconic gymnast. You give that guy a foam horse

covered in suede and he just gives you poetry. Is it not nice...?

-Incredible.

-But, because it was so wet, you have a wet time,

so you have to beat James McAvoy's time of 1.47.1.

Don't say it like, "You only have to beat..."

Don't say that.

OK, Tinie Tempah, you went around the track...

in one minute...

-50...

-Oh!

-Point four.

-Good effort.

That's a good effort.

Considerably wetter.

Considerably... Considerably wetter.

..three seconds slower out there for you. Yes, it was.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, that's solid. That's solid for those conditions.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tinie Tempah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a hero.

OK, now, earlier on you remember Chris was driving

the 1,500 horsepower Bugatti Chiron.

Which, so long as you have more money than Mark Zuckerberg,

-is pretty much as fast as you can go in a car.

-Yes, that's true.

But, of course, if you have more money than Mark Zuckerberg,

you're not limited to just cars.

So, since we had a day to kill with the Chiron,

we decided to have a little race.

It's the age-old question we've all pondered -

you're a billionaire oil mogul based in downtown Dubai,

you knock off work at lunch on a Friday,

or a Thursday as they do here, so what's the fastest way

to reach your luxury weekend retreat in the Omani mountains?

Car or not car?

-Hello.

-Well, I'm what they call suitably equipped, Matthew.

-Yeah.

I can't help noticing you have no transport.

Are you planning on walking to Oman?

No, no, no. Don't worry. Off you go.

I'll be the guy at the hotel bar with all the empty drinks

-in front of him.

-No, you're going to lose.

It's not possible to get anywhere faster than in this car.

Yeah, and what a car!

HE WHISTLES

Does come in men's?

You're better than that, you know you are.

-And, also, what's in that rucksack? Why's it so big?

-This?

My lunch.

Three, two, one, go.

-Oh, hang...

-You're going to lose.

-Wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

-You're going to lose.

-I'm already in front of you!

Now, the winner of this billionaire's commute-off

would be the first to get from the heart of Dubai

to a luxury five-star retreat,

perched high in the mountains of neighbouring Oman.

And with Chris driving the Chiron,

I would have to travel by other means.

No driving.

I won't be driving.

Not one bit of driving.

I have a plan.

I think I can safely say I'm the only Chiron driving around

on the public highway in the world at the moment.

One of us is currently winning...

and it's not Joey!

Anyone can take a car.

A billionaire doesn't take a car.

So you are actually walking to Oman.

-Very luxurious.

-You're wasting time you don't have, keep going.

An angry small man in Dubai,

rocks up in his Chiron, says, "Hi," What a...

BEEPING

Unfortunately, I quickly encountered a problem unfamiliar to most

billionaires, rush hour.

There's about 19 lanes and yet everyone's stuck stationary.

-BEEPING

-Oh, come on!

Don't drive into me. This is worth 2 million quid.

'Silly Harris, you see, traffic was not something

'I needed to worry about.'

That's right, it's a boat.

'And this was just stage one of my four stage master plan.'

This is the frustrating part of the race

because we have to adhere to this five-knot speed limit.

Once we get out on the open water, we can pin it.

The Riva Rivarma is 44 feet long, costs £1 million -

half the price of Harris's car, which is only a third the length

of this boat, and he doesn't even have an onboard ice-maker.

Or a toilet.

He's in trouble.

Well, not quite...

Because when you're a billionaire for the day,

you can call in the odd favour.

SIRENS

Yes, yes, yes! Now, this is what I call a plan.

I'm being escorted out of Dubai at speed

behind a Dubai police i8.

There's a McLaren 570 ahead,

behind me, a Nissan-GTR - and to my left

is an Audi R8 V10 Plus. It has 610 horsepower.

That's 900 less than the one I'm in. 900 less!

This is cool!

'Whatever. See, I was now clear of the marina.

'Fast as you like.'

Oh, yeah, baby! That's the stuff right there.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello!

-Have you located some proper transport yet?

I can't really hear you too good.

It's a little windy out here on the sea.

-What are you on, a boat?

-Yeah.

Just having a good old time racing you.

I've got through the Dubai traffic by using a police escort

and I'm now heading towards the border.

I can't possibly see how you can win.

Yes, an hour in and with Admiral LeBlanc bobbing around in his boat,

I was well on my way to Oman.

Frankly, this wasn't much of a race after all.

Maybe I could just spend the next hour conjugating the verb "to win."

I win, you win, he, she or it wins...

we win, you win, they win...

Or you're Matt LeBlanc, and you lose.

What has Matthew got planned?

Well, since he asked, it was time for the second stage of my commute.

OK, here she is!

Now, that is the Bentley Mulsanne EWB.

Extended wheelbase.

Now, of course, I'm not driving.

'No, no. Like any good billionaire, I have a chauffeur -

'The Stig's Emirati cousin.'

OK, vamos!

Andiamo!

Allez?

Go!

Meanwhile, basking in my comfortable lead,

I had time to consider some of the Chiron's utter madness.

Remember when you were a kid and you'd get into cars

and always look how fast the speedometer read to?

And you'd assume that if a speedometer said 140,

the car could do 140?

Ha-ha! In the Chiron, the game is over.

This reads to 500 kilometres per hour.

That's 300 miles an hour.

How do you out-Chiron a Chiron? What do you do?

Come on.

Now, I had hit some traffic, but to be honest,

in the Mulsanne, it was hard to care.

Oh... Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it gives you a massage...

Oh... That is maybe the nicest car seat that was ever made.

Let's give him a call, see how old Chris is doing.

Hello?

Well, well, well, how are you?

Pretend you're not going to hear this...

-Super, please.

-Super?

-Super.

MATT LAUGHS

How many fuel stops have you made so far? Is this your second or third?

It's my first, don't be stupid.

'Where are you?'

I, my friend, am sitting in the back of

a beautiful Bentley Mulsanne EWB.

So, you've taken a boat to get in the back of a Bentley

that you know is slower than my car, and now you're

just going to drive all the way to Oman?

'I had you down as a clever man.'

I didn't say anything about driving all the way to Oman.

OK.

Oh, do you want some money? Do you want money?

'Yeah, you have to pay for that fuel.'

Hey, listen...

-PHONE BEEPS

-Oh, he's gone.

HE CHUCKLES

A small, angry man in Dubai

Rocks up in his Chiron, says, "Hi..."

With his mad little grin Cos he thinks he'll win...

BLEEP!

OK, my plan to avoid all of Dubai's traffic with the speedboat

had backfired, and after two hours of racing,

I was still stuck downtown,

while Chris was approaching Oman, 100 miles ahead of me.

Ah. The border.

Which looks strangely similar to the Mound Stand at Lord's.

What's going to happen here? Don't we just go through?

He's got a gun.

He's got a gun as well, actually, I didn't notice him.

What's going on here? Come on, let me through...

Yes! I'm liking the look of this!

You see...?

The Bugatti Chiron improves international relations -

just smile and look as if you are comfortable with what you're doing.

What's he doing? He wants me to wait here?

Or what? Wait here?

Good, OK, OK.

MEN CHATTER

So...

They're all tweeting and taking photos of the car.

-Hashtag - can I please get on with it?

-How are you, sir?

-Hello, how are you?

-Welcome back.

-Thank you. Hello.

-Sir, I've got to change this number.

-What?

So they're re-registering the car cos we've entered Oman.

This is a disaster, I've been here 30 minutes now.

Matt LeSmuggins is going to be...

I don't know where he is.

Well, I had finally reached stage three of my plan...

TYRES SCREECH

Thanks, Stig!

'..and really had some catching up to do.'

How are you?

Nice to see you. Hello.

OK. Did not plan on that much traffic.

Worse still, Chris had crossed the border into Oman.

'Luckily, stage three... was a good one.'

Ho-ho! There it is.

The Honda Jet, as in a jet made by Honda.

Howdy, boys. Let's go!

This thing's quick!

Oh, that's a steep climb.

Yeah, baby.

That's what I'm talking about.

Hey, how fast are we going?

-About 480mph.

-Maxed out, boom!

It's like we're rolling up here.

You know, somewhere down there there's a very small man

in a very fast car, and though that very small man

is still talking a very big game...

..deep down, deep, deep down,

that very small man knows very well that he is going to lose.

It's very sad.

That border check situation... that lost me a lot of time.

Come on, Mr Bugatti... We might just have to deploy a bit of your speed.

Meanwhile...at 15,000 feet...

the Honda Jet, £3.6 million, 20 years in the making.

Its ground-breaking overwing engine design

maximises performance and efficiency.

It comes with snacks too.

But what it all really adds up to is a great way to overtake a Chiron.

You're what...? You're in a Honda?

No, it's not a Civic.

No, it's not an Accord.

It's not the NSX either.

It's the Honda Jet.

Git! Utter git!

I can't even boast that I've got

the fastest, most expensive toy now, can I?

'The Honda had definitely put me back in the game.'

Making time, making time...

'But my one-hour flight would touch me down in Muscat,

'which was still a good 100 miles

'from the mountaintop finish line.

'So, Chris was technically still in the lead...'

Speed's dropping again.

'..for now.'

We're coming into another town.

It's becoming a pain, this.

You know when your brain tells you you just have to keep moving

when the traffic stops, so you dive off and take another route

and think that keeping moving is the thing...?

But it turns out to be rubbish?

Yeah, that's where I am now.

Matt's going to be quivering

when he finds out how fast I'm driving through here.

HE WHEEZES

This is ridiculous.

-SENSOR BLEEPS

-No, no, no, no, no...

This thing is two metres wide!

-YELLS:

-I hate this!

A-a-a-a-nd...touchdown.

Thanks a lot, take care.

'Stage four, it was time to open up the backpack.'

Excuse me one second, I'll be right back.

I've got to take care of something.

So, the rules said no driving...

HE CHUCKLES MISCHIEVOUSLY

Nobody said anything about riding.

This is the new Ducati 1299 Superleggera.

Hey, Chris, I don't know where you are or what you're doing,

but I'm pretty confident I'm going to win.

Now, I know what you're thinking, and, no,

your average billionaire

probably wouldn't finish their commute on a bike,

but that's probably because they haven't tried THIS bike.

The Superleggera will do 0-60 in about two and a half seconds,

which is the same as the Chiron.

The only difference is I don't need 1,500 horsepower to do it,

just a bit of bravery.

The top speed is 190-something miles an hour.

Now, some people will look at that and say,

"Well, that's just stupid,

"that's more speed than anyone would ever need."

To which I say, "Exactly."

A small, angry man in Dubai Rocked up in his Chiron, said, "Hi"

With a mad little grin He thought he could win

But at the bar in the mountains he'll cry.

That's it, that's the rhyme.

But as I made short work of my 100-mile ride from Muscat,

Chris had found his way back onto the open road.

Are you off the plane?

-Yeah, I'm on a bike.

-What do you mean, you're on a bike?

What bike?

Ducati 1299 Superleggera.

-You what?!

-Yeah, you better stand on it, buddy.

That bike is basically a personal teleportation device.

Thankfully, so is the Chiron.

Let's get a move on.

Now we're talking. A little bit of open road here.

Come on, push, push!

Come on! Come on! Come on!

Foot down.

-This thing's

-BLEEP

-fast!

Approaching the mountains from opposite sides,

we were entering the final stage of the race.

With no way of telling who was in front,

there was just one road up to the finish line...

Oh, look at that.

..and it was a good one.

This is about to get fun.

Wow!

Now this is a proper road!

Look at it, fantastic!

Now we're talking.

This is nice!

God, it goes left to right so good. It just holds the line perfect.

And I know this is a car show...

so you probably want the Chiron to win, but if it doesn't...

I mean, when... When it doesn't...

..don't blame the car... blame Harris.

I don't know if I'm hunting him down and catching him

or maybe he's catching me.

I don't see that big gold Bugatti in my mirror.

Got to be in front. He's got to be.

-Come on! Come on! Come on!

-Please let me be ahead of him!

Please let me be ahead of him!

Come on, push, push!

Push, LeBlanc!

Come on, Mr Chiron! We have to win this!

This is it, this is it.

OK, thanks, buddy.

Where is he?

That's it, that's the spot.

He's small, but he's not that small, I don't see him.

I think we have a winner!

Oh, yes, that's what I'm talking about, look at that view!

Harris is going to be so mad.

I can't wait to see the look on his little...

..bald face.

There you go... Have a Chiron. And no-one there.

I think we've got this, boys. I think we've got...

Oh, come on, no.

Welcome to Oman! HE LAUGHS

-No!

-How are you, my friend?

Why so slow...bro?

And I'd even thought of my line!

-MATT CHUCKLES

-Oh...

What was your line?

It's like you're always stuck in second gear,

which looking at it now wasn't very funny, was it?

-I was stuck in top gear, my friend.

-Yes, well done. Well done.

-MATT LAUGHS

-Oh!

-Oh, yeah.

I can't believe I lost.

You didn't lose.

If you say I just came second, I'll throw you off that balcony.

-No, no, no.

-OK.

No, you lost. CHRIS LAUGHS

No! Just get me a beer.

Cheers.

That's a good beer.

It never tastes as good as a winning beer, though, does it?

-You want to try that one?

-Yeah.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, that's better.

MATT SPITS Oh!

You just missed the sunset, it was beautiful.

We could have held hands and everything.

CHRIS LAUGHS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So close. So, so close.

That was so close.

You know, I think if it wasn't for that border crossing,

you would have had me.

Well, the border crossing and the fact that I had my own jet.

-Look, I'm gutted, but I made the Chiron look good value.

-What?!

Well, add up the cost of the boat,

the limo and then the plane and the bike... How much is that?

-About £5 million.

-OK.

Double the price of the Chiron and I only lost by a couple of minutes.

-You still lost.

-Mm.

-Or, or...

I maximised my time in the most extraordinary car of the millennium.

Ah! No, you lost.

On next week's show,

a motorsport battle as we find out who's quickest...

Chris Harris or Sabine Schmitz?

And an American man drives an American car in America.

Yes, he does, the Ford GT.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

-That's right.

-We will see you then. Good night.

-Night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE