Episode 7 Top Gear


Episode 7

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Hello! Hello, and welcome to Top Gear.

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It's the last episode of the series.

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But don't worry,

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because we are really pushing the boat out for this one.

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Literally. We made a boat and we pushed it out.

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Into the sea. Really!

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But that's a little later in the show.

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First, a question -

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£50,000, a two-seat sports car - what do you go for?

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Tell 'em, Chris.

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Well, unless you were completely mad, traditionally, you'd always

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have gone for this -

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the Porsche Cayman, the model sports car.

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Pretty much un-improvable.

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But now there's a new Cayman,

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and Porsche says it's even better than before.

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Here it is.

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It still looks like a Cayman,

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but one that's been drawn with sharper pencils.

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It still has the engine in the middle...

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..power at the rear...

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and it still costs about £50,000.

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It's the same story inside, where, thankfully,

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Porsche hasn't messed with all the things we liked about the old car.

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I've still got three pedals, and this lovely,

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wiggly, wand-like thing to change gear.

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But if you delve deeper...

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you'll find a million teeny-tiny upgrades.

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For starters, the Cayman's big brother - the 911 -

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has given up its steering and brakes.

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The lower rear suspension arms are from the last generation Cayman GT4.

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The anti-roll bars are larger diameter all around.

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The front springs are now variable rate.

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The rear tyres, well, they are 12mm wider.

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Much of which is not interesting.

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What is interesting is more horsepower.

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The Cayman S now has 345 of them.

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This car will do 0-60mph in a sneeze over four seconds.

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And it won't stop accelerating until you hit 177mph.

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Braking!

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And that extra horsepower also means something else.

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If there was a fault with the old Cayman,

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it's that it didn't have quite enough power to explore the limits

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of that lovely, mid-engine chassis.

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This new one, however...

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Oh, yes!

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Yes, yes, yes!

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I could do that all day long.

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The trouble is, I'm not enjoying this as much as I should do.

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Allow me to explain.

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That there is the old Cayman S.

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Six cylinder, normally aspirated engine, and it sounds like...

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Well, judge for yourself.

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ENGINE ROARS

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That is engine sound perfection.

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If you asked Daft Punk to create intake noise, it'd sound like that.

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But for this new Cayman, Porsche ditched the lovely old

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six-cylinder engine for a new, turbocharged, four-cylinder engine.

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And it sounds like...

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SUBDUED ROAR

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..an old Beetle.

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This is a big deal.

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Because, I'm sorry,

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but the way a sports car sounds is a huge part of its personality.

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It's the same as humans. Voices matter.

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I mean, take, say, Rod Stewart and put him on mute,

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and he's just a Scottish bloke with ladies' hair.

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And the reason for this vocal transplant?

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The Cayman needed a smaller turbo engine

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to pass the latest emissions exams.

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Yep.

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Forget sound and soul. These days, apparently what's important

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is that this car will officially emit 184g of CO2 per kilometre.

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But let me show you how you must drive to achieve those 184 CO2s

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using this rather elegant piece of equipment behind me

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and some very clever men over there.

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Here we go.

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-OVER RADIO:

-'Right, so, Chris, to get the best mpg, lowest CO2,

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'build up the speed gently.'

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'Lovely, lovely and sedate.'

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No, no, no.

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'Don't overdo it, that's probably a little too fast.

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'You can back it off slightly more, I'd say.'

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BIKE BELL RINGS

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Boring.

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Boring, boring.

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CO2, boring.

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After a few more tedious minutes,

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I pulled over to find out my exam results.

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OK, boss, how was that?

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That was 184g per kilometre of CO2.

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About 35 miles per gallon.

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OK. The reality is that, in the real world,

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if you drive like a normal person with feet,

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no car comes close to matching its official emissions figures.

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And turbo engines are the worst offenders.

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In fact, in the hands of any of us lot,

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I doubt this engine's any more efficient than the one it replaced.

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It is a real shame.

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The old Cayman wasn't broken,

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but Porsche has been forced to fix it anyway.

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Now we've got this different personality.

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And I have to say, I just don't like it as much as it was before.

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So the big question now is, if you're after

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a two-seat sports car for about 50 grand, what's the alternative?

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The Alpha 4C.

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Look at that.

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Carbon fibre tub, Italian styling.

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Build quality of a Glastonbury tent.

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Go away.

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Ah, the Jaguar F-Type.

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But, of course, you want the supercharged V8 one,

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and that's 90 grand, so, I'm afraid, disqualified.

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The Lotus Exige.

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Perfect, should you happen to live at a racing circuit.

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Which, of course, you don't.

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Ooh, the Audi TT RS.

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400 horsepower, five-cylinder turbo-charged engine.

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And lashings of understeer.

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And that really is your lot.

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Which leaves us, well, pretty much back where we started.

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If you've got 50 grand to spend on a new sports car, you should buy...

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a new Cayman.

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Even a mildly ruined Cayman is still better than the rest.

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You might want a pair of these though.

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HE MOUTHS

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APPLAUSE

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Great, nice job.

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Nice job. OK, so...

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So, they made it more powerful, they made faster,

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they made it cheaper to tax, all for the same price, and you

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don't like it because it doesn't sound quite as good as the old car?

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Do think that maybe, just maybe, you're being...

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slightly oversensitive?

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-I'm really not. Sound is so important.

-Mm-hm.

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This car, six-cylinder engine, it's just musical,

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it's the heart of the car. And the intake noise - fantastic.

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This new version, turbocharger, no intake noise, four cylinders -

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it sounds...

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-parpy.

-LAUGHTER

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Oh.

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Nice.

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You don't get a lot of parpy these days.

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OK, one more thing.

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I noticed in the film that you called this the Porsche Cayman.

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Yeah.

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But it isn't, is it?

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This is the Porsche 718 Cayman.

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I refuse to acknowledge that badge.

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What?

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You can't refuse to acknowledge it.

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It's right there on the back of the car.

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And it's pedigree - the 718 was a Porsche racer from the '50s, right?

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This is Porsche exploiting its wonderful motorsport history

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for the sake of a badge on a modern car. It's terrible!

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Are you done?

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-No, we can...

-Can you try to be done?

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-Look...

-Let's pretend you're done. OK.

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It's time to find out how quick the new 718 goes around our test track.

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And you know what that means. It's time for...

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The Stig.

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Off the line.

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Looks like a Porsche, sounds like a,

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well, it sounds like a Subaru, doesn't it?

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Down there to the first corner. Let's have a look at this,

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cos the chassis is great, the Cayman's so well-balanced.

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He carries great speed in, very little understeer,

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using all the track as usual.

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And the braking stability into Chicago, just fantastic.

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And he'll hold a tight line, will he?

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He let it run out a bit, but again

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you can tell he's got power to play with.

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345 horsepower.

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The amazing thing is, it's a smaller-capacity engine -

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the turbocharger has 37 foot-pounds of torque more than the old Cayman.

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So it's now a monster.

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Braking well again. Doesn't it look stable? It's flat, crisp.

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A tight line. Let it run out now.

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Look at that - just controlled, relaxed.

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Heading now down towards the follow-through.

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It's really fast. Again, competent.

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And doesn't it sound absolutely terrible?

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Can you hear it?

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Braking into second to last.

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Now, heading - ooh, using all the track there, aggressive -

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over Gambon, and a very impressive, terrible-sounding lap.

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APPLAUSE

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OK.

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And the Porsche 718 Cayman S went around

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in 1:21.6.

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That is seriously respectable.

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That's the exact same time as the Jaguar V8 F-Type.

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APPLAUSE

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And the Jaguar V8 F-Type costs nearly twice as much.

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-Yeah, and it sounds twice as good too...

-Look, you're done.

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Rory!

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I'm just going to say it -

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you know what other sports car you can have for £50,000?

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Ford Mustang, the one with the V8.

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-Can't argue with the way that sounds.

-No, you can't, no.

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All right, now it's time to welcome this week's guest.

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He's got a lot of platinum discs,

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he's got a lot of cars and he's got a lot of...hats.

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Please welcome Jay Kay.

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APPLAUSE

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I'm so pleased!

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Thank you.

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All right, awesome.

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Awesome.

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So what did you drive down in today?

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I flew in, actually.

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I flew in. I avoided the traffic, so I flew in a R66.

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-Helicopter?

-Yep. Get over the M25, easy.

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20 minutes. Job done.

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You're like a rock star. I love it!

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That's what they say.

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LAUGHTER

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-How many cars in your collection nowadays?

-Erm, well,

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I'm sort of trying to slim it down.

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I mean, it's too many, really.

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-But it's over 50.

-AUDIENCE GASPS

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But the amazing thing is,

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people know that Jay's got some top-end stuff. Enzo and other stuff.

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But what I love is that you have the same affliction as me.

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You can't help but love German tat.

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Yeah, there's just some old M3s, E30s. There's an old Rover P6.

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-MAN IN AUDIENCE:

-Wahey!

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It's got... I heard a wahey there. Look at that.

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See, Rover P6, 13,000 miles.

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I just love old things that, you know, when you were a kid,

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you used to see on the road, you know... How can you go wrong?

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-We know you love your exotic, Italian stuff.

-Yeah.

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You're a fan of those.

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And your current car that you drive the most is Italian.

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But it's not exactly exotic, is it?

0:12:550:12:58

Yeah, I have a Fiat Doblo as well.

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-A Doblo.

-Yeah.

-We've got a picture of it.

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LAUGHTER

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That is it. That's my Doblo.

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Just a quick question, you could have bought a Bentley Bentayga,

0:13:050:13:08

-a Range Rover...

-Well...

-..and you've gone for a Doblo.

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You wouldn't catch me dead in a Bentley Bentayga.

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Yeah, but the Doblo is reliable, it always starts.

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It's light clutch, light gearbox.

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It's light steering, you can get stuff in it.

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You can get wood in it, you can get the dog in it.

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It's great and it works.

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And you know what the funny thing is?

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You go to Italy and you go up the mountains in Italy, you know,

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up the northern mountains, you'll still see Panda 4x4s.

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I could never work out what was the point of a Panda 4x4,

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and then you suddenly realise, you're up there in the winter,

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and that is the only thing that will go up those Alpine passes.

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-True, true.

-With goats in the back, you know?

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I want to veer off of cars for just a second.

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-Because you have a new album out, Automaton.

-Yeah.

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-How it's it doing?

-Well, I hear, down the grapevine,

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that it's at number one worldwide, actually.

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Aha, that's what I hear!

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APPLAUSE

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Which isn't bad for an old mucker like me, you know?

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Now, normally we wouldn't play a music video,

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but we wanted everyone to see the new single, Cloud 9.

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Let's take a look.

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# Only a fool could walk away from me this time

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# I look up to heaven and the starry sea is mine

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# Only a fool could walk away from me this time

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# I'm walking on air and every cloud is cloud nine... #

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APPLAUSE

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Right, right, right - wait there.

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Oh, dear.

0:14:550:14:56

There is a template here, isn't there?

0:14:560:14:59

There's a template for the Jamiroquai video...

0:14:590:15:01

People of my generation. So, basically, there's two,

0:15:010:15:03

at least two, super-sexy cars.

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There's an attractive lady

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and then there's bit of jigging goes on. Is that...?

0:15:090:15:12

Yeah, I tell you what, because we thought about this,

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and we thought, you know, everybody said, "Oh, cars, video..."

0:15:150:15:18

I mean, and then we thought, well, Cosmic Girl was 1997,

0:15:180:15:22

so it's 20 years ago, you know?

0:15:220:15:25

But it was quite nice, because we went back to Cabo de Gata,

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where we'd filmed the original. So that was the kind of thing.

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So people who'd seen the first one, to go back there...

0:15:300:15:33

You talked about Cosmic Girl,

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and that was a benchmark video, I think, for a generation.

0:15:350:15:39

Because it showed super-sexy cars, dynamic driving...

0:15:390:15:42

Look at this.

0:15:420:15:44

There is a story behind that.

0:15:440:15:45

It wasn't quite as straightforward...

0:15:450:15:47

No, it wasn't.

0:15:470:15:49

They made three of those special edition 30th-anniversary Diablos.

0:15:490:15:55

And one was a Jota, so it was a 600-brake car

0:15:550:15:57

that was not really road legal, so there were only two.

0:15:570:16:00

So I had mine in storage,

0:16:000:16:02

and the guy went to stick it on the car transporter.

0:16:020:16:06

And then I got word that he'd just totalled this car.

0:16:060:16:10

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-There it is.

0:16:100:16:11

And we kind of had to have a purple one, because it was the purple,

0:16:110:16:15

-the cosmic, you know, it's just one of those things.

-Sure, yeah.

0:16:150:16:18

So we got the other one.

0:16:180:16:19

And I said, "Look, wait till I get there, I'm flying in,

0:16:190:16:22

"just nobody drive it till I get there, please?

0:16:220:16:24

"We can't afford to smash it."

0:16:240:16:26

So I came off the plane, and everybody looked really downtrodden,

0:16:260:16:30

was looking at the floor...

0:16:300:16:32

And I went, "Why are you looking so sad?"

0:16:320:16:37

And they said, "Unfortunately,

0:16:370:16:39

"one of the precision drivers has knocked the camera off the cliff

0:16:390:16:44

"and taken out the front windscreen. So there's no windscreen.

0:16:440:16:48

"Lamborghini can't send one for another day or so."

0:16:480:16:52

So, for most of the video, it had to be done with no windscreen.

0:16:520:16:56

So that's why you see me squinting.

0:16:560:16:58

And actually trying to sing the song as well

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while driving the mountain road. Yeah.

0:17:000:17:02

-We've got a clip now of Cosmic Girl. Bring back some memories.

-Yeah.

0:17:020:17:06

# She's just a cosmic girl... #

0:17:080:17:10

So now I understand why your hair is flopping about!

0:17:100:17:15

You've quite clearly got no windscreen!

0:17:150:17:17

Yep, there is no windscreen there. Yeah.

0:17:170:17:20

I loved that car as well. I really loved that car.

0:17:200:17:23

It was a real meaty, you know, proper, old Lamborghini.

0:17:230:17:26

They're quite different to what they are now.

0:17:260:17:28

Now that Audi have taken them over, it's a different ballgame.

0:17:280:17:30

That was quite a handful, but it made a great noise.

0:17:300:17:32

That's why we stuck it on the front of Travelling Without Moving.

0:17:320:17:35

-OK, let's get down to business.

-Yeah.

0:17:350:17:37

Now, you're a veteran down here. You've been around...

0:17:370:17:40

I've been coming down here since William Woollard was running it.

0:17:400:17:44

You've been around in the Liana, you've been around in the Lacetti...

0:17:440:17:47

That was a beautiful car, the Liana.

0:17:470:17:49

You were fastest in the Lacetti, I think, right?

0:17:490:17:51

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

0:17:510:17:52

OK, so now you're going to go around in the GT86.

0:17:520:17:55

How'd the training go with Chris?

0:17:550:17:56

Yeah, I mean, you know, Chris's masterclass...

0:17:560:18:00

So, it was...

0:18:000:18:01

The car's obviously a lot better than before.

0:18:010:18:06

It pleases me to actually come on with something

0:18:060:18:08

that's at least two litre, that you can get something out of.

0:18:080:18:11

And quite a nippy little thing, you know.

0:18:110:18:13

-All right, let's take a look.

-Yeah, OK.

0:18:130:18:15

-Jay?

-Yes.

-Last show of the series.

-Got it.

-You've got form here.

0:18:150:18:19

Yes, I have got form.

0:18:190:18:21

We've got a target.

0:18:210:18:23

Sir Chris Hoy, 1:35.4.

0:18:230:18:25

-Sir Chris Hoy. Pedal to the metal.

-Yeah.

0:18:250:18:28

-Let's go.

-Are we ready?

-Yeah.

0:18:280:18:29

I like it, I like it. Power now, power, power, power.

0:18:350:18:37

Good work - we're not that far off Mr Hoy at the moment now.

0:18:390:18:42

Sorry, Sir Hoy.

0:18:420:18:44

Sir Chris!

0:18:440:18:45

Right, third gear.

0:18:450:18:46

Come on, I need you to push a bit harder, Jay,

0:18:480:18:50

we're bit behind Chris here.

0:18:500:18:51

-LUVVIE VOICE:

-Okey dokey, pushing hard, darling, pushing hard.

0:18:510:18:54

Push it hard. Third gear.

0:18:540:18:55

Oh-ho-ho!

0:18:570:18:59

Right on the edge. Fourth gear.

0:18:590:19:01

I'm not going to look at this bit,

0:19:030:19:05

because you're going so quick through here it scares me.

0:19:050:19:08

-BLEEP

-hell, Jay!

0:19:080:19:09

From the 100, brake and turn.

0:19:110:19:13

-Brake, turn, now.

-Turn, turn.

0:19:130:19:14

Oh, we could be off here, we could be off here.

0:19:180:19:20

And back on! Oh, nearly back on.

0:19:240:19:26

I nearly got it back on.

0:19:300:19:32

LAUGHTER

0:19:320:19:34

Nice day for it.

0:19:350:19:36

APPLAUSE

0:19:360:19:38

Hey-hey!

0:19:400:19:41

Whoo!

0:19:410:19:43

Nice, nice.

0:19:430:19:45

-Nice one, nice one.

-I mean, I wasn't trying.

0:19:450:19:48

-LAUGHTER

-I wasn't trying.

0:19:480:19:50

Definitely, definitely.

0:19:500:19:51

We thought we'd actually come out the right way, just carry on.

0:19:510:19:54

Nothing happened, you didn't see that.

0:19:540:19:56

A definite change of underwear, definitely.

0:19:560:19:58

-Around once, around twice...

-Yeah, lovely, yeah.

0:19:580:20:00

What do you think, Chris? Do you think he's got a shot at the title?

0:20:000:20:03

Yeah, committed. You only have offs like that

0:20:030:20:05

if you're really, really trying round here.

0:20:050:20:07

People don't know how unforgiving the circuit is.

0:20:070:20:09

If you get it half a foot wrong there, you're straight off.

0:20:090:20:12

So he's going to be quick.

0:20:120:20:14

-We'll see how you did just a little bit later in the show.

-OK, cool.

0:20:140:20:16

Right now, I want to talk about 4x4s.

0:20:160:20:19

See, if you want an upmarket, family SUV,

0:20:190:20:21

right now, you've got a lot of options.

0:20:210:20:23

You could have a Range Rover, you could have an Audi Q7,

0:20:230:20:27

you could have a Merc GLS.

0:20:270:20:28

But they're all so...mainstream.

0:20:280:20:31

Thankfully, there is another option,

0:20:310:20:33

and it comes...from Russia.

0:20:330:20:35

This is the Avtoros Shaman,

0:20:380:20:40

and it is big.

0:20:400:20:42

Really big.

0:20:440:20:45

HE WHISTLES

0:20:460:20:48

Straight away, you can see it has eight wheels,

0:20:480:20:50

which is the same as two Range Rovers.

0:20:500:20:53

But it costs £88,000, about the same as just one Range Rover.

0:20:530:20:58

So, on a pound-per-axle basis, the Shaman is a steal.

0:20:580:21:02

And back here, you get seating for...

0:21:070:21:11

everyone you've ever met.

0:21:110:21:13

And there's an escape hatch, in case of an emergency.

0:21:130:21:16

Like if Uncle Phil had the egg salad for lunch.

0:21:160:21:19

HE BREATHES IN Oh!

0:21:210:21:23

And there's a central driving position.

0:21:260:21:28

Just like the McLaren F1.

0:21:280:21:30

And the similarities to the F1 don't end there.

0:21:300:21:33

Like the F1, the Shaman also has...

0:21:330:21:35

a...

0:21:350:21:37

erm...

0:21:370:21:38

steering wheel!

0:21:380:21:40

OK. Here we go.

0:21:400:21:42

Now, like all the best modern SUVs,

0:21:440:21:47

the Shaman is right at home in the centre of town.

0:21:470:21:50

Whether it's the school run or popping out for groceries

0:21:500:21:53

or nipping to the pub for a quick game of darts,

0:21:530:21:55

the Shaman will do it all.

0:21:550:21:57

Oh boy, this is tight.

0:21:580:21:59

But like all the best modern SUVs

0:22:010:22:03

it's even better suited to the open road.

0:22:030:22:06

OK, it's not exactly supersonic.

0:22:130:22:16

The Shaman will do 0-60 in...

0:22:160:22:18

..never.

0:22:200:22:22

With its sensible three-litre diesel,

0:22:220:22:24

it has a whopping top speed of 44mph.

0:22:240:22:28

And that's a good thing.

0:22:280:22:30

It encourages you to relax.

0:22:300:22:33

To...

0:22:340:22:35

watch the world go by.

0:22:350:22:37

And it's just as sensible on the inside.

0:22:390:22:41

You've got a sat nav from the '90s.

0:22:410:22:44

Some temperature controls from the '80s.

0:22:440:22:46

You've got a speedometer and a rev counter

0:22:460:22:48

which are basically irrelevant.

0:22:480:22:51

And that's pretty much it.

0:22:510:22:53

Elegant simplicity.

0:22:530:22:55

Oh, what's that guy doing?

0:22:560:22:58

That doesn't look good.

0:22:580:22:59

Oh, looks like you're in a jam.

0:23:010:23:03

HE CACKLES

0:23:030:23:05

Should be able to get you out of there. Let me pull up a little.

0:23:050:23:08

He smells like whisky.

0:23:080:23:09

OK, not what I had in mind, but let's talk towing.

0:23:110:23:14

Now, according to the Caravan Club,

0:23:140:23:16

the choice SUV is the BMW X5.

0:23:160:23:19

But that only pulls 3.5 tonnes.

0:23:190:23:22

The Shaman will tow 12.

0:23:220:23:25

So if you've got a local moon that's out of alignment,

0:23:250:23:28

the Shaman will set it straight.

0:23:280:23:30

Sweet!

0:23:300:23:31

Thank you!

0:23:310:23:32

Right, back to business.

0:23:330:23:35

Next up, fuel economy.

0:23:350:23:37

I know what you're thinking - that thing looks thirsty.

0:23:370:23:40

Well, it is.

0:23:400:23:42

It gets about 11 miles to the gallon. And it makes you wonder,

0:23:420:23:45

am I going to have to refuel it every single day?

0:23:450:23:48

Well, no, you're not, because the Shaman holds 260 litres of diesel.

0:23:480:23:53

It's a supertanker.

0:23:530:23:55

So realistically,

0:23:550:23:56

you're only going to have to refuel it about every other day.

0:23:560:23:59

Oh, wait - is that a flare?

0:24:030:24:05

Anyone else around to help them?

0:24:120:24:15

Just me then, huh?

0:24:170:24:18

Ah, OK.

0:24:190:24:21

Right, well, this is a waste of time.

0:24:230:24:25

Modern SUV drivers don't even go off-road.

0:24:250:24:27

But since I'm apparently the only one who can help,

0:24:290:24:31

we might as well cover all-terrain ability.

0:24:310:24:34

Ground clearance, half a metre.

0:24:340:24:37

Half a metre!

0:24:370:24:38

And these giant tyres may look destructive,

0:24:400:24:42

but their huge surface area means they tread lightly over the terrain.

0:24:420:24:46

Snowshoes, not stilettos.

0:24:470:24:49

And if you factor in its eight-wheel drive with independent steering,

0:24:490:24:53

you can approach any off-road excursion with confidence.

0:24:530:24:56

I can't wait to see the looks on their faces

0:24:570:24:59

when they see this thing coming.

0:24:590:25:01

Hi.

0:25:100:25:12

You're, erm...

0:25:130:25:15

You're naked.

0:25:170:25:18

We're naked ramblers.

0:25:180:25:19

We're lost!

0:25:200:25:22

-Well, do you need a ride?

-Oh, yes.

0:25:220:25:26

OK, come on. Let's...

0:25:260:25:27

Let's go.

0:25:290:25:31

Up you go.

0:25:360:25:37

Ooh.

0:25:400:25:41

OK.

0:25:410:25:42

All... OK.

0:25:430:25:46

All righty. Wow. That's a lot for the eyes.

0:25:460:25:50

Sure hope we don't crash. This would be a tricky one to explain.

0:26:010:26:05

No need for hugs or anything. We're OK.

0:26:050:26:07

Well, there's an image that'll be stuck in my mind forever.

0:26:110:26:14

OK, where were we?

0:26:150:26:17

Ah, yes, let's talk refinement.

0:26:170:26:19

Some might complain that, on the move,

0:26:200:26:23

the Shaman isn't the quietest of SUVs on the market.

0:26:230:26:27

ENGINE ROARS

0:26:270:26:28

True.

0:26:280:26:30

When you're up and running there is some engine noise

0:26:300:26:33

and some road noise.

0:26:330:26:35

But that's a good thing.

0:26:350:26:37

Because, too often, the driving experience is interrupted by...

0:26:370:26:41

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

0:26:410:26:44

Looks like Lassie.

0:26:440:26:45

BARKS

0:26:450:26:46

Seriously?

0:26:460:26:47

Lassie now?

0:26:470:26:48

What's wrong?

0:26:510:26:52

What's wrong?

0:26:530:26:55

DOG WHINES

0:26:550:26:57

What, little Timmy's stuck down a well?

0:26:570:26:59

Again? WHINES

0:26:590:27:01

OK.

0:27:010:27:02

All right, show me the way, I'll follow you. Geez.

0:27:020:27:05

OK, so, apparently,

0:27:070:27:09

owning a Shaman does come with a few unwanted responsibilities.

0:27:090:27:12

Where the hell is this dog taking me?

0:27:140:27:16

And what kind of shampoo does she use?

0:27:160:27:19

She's so shiny.

0:27:190:27:20

Good girl, good girl.

0:27:260:27:28

OK, we're going to get you outta here.

0:27:280:27:31

Put that rope around you.

0:27:310:27:33

No, not around your neck, no.

0:27:330:27:34

Yeah, around your waist, good.

0:27:340:27:36

OK.

0:27:360:27:37

This winch is capable of lifting 5.6 metric tonnes.

0:27:380:27:43

That's the equivalent of about 200 little Timmys.

0:27:430:27:46

Kids today.

0:27:480:27:50

Doesn't he have an iPad?

0:27:500:27:52

DOG BARKS

0:27:520:27:53

Whoa, whoa!

0:27:530:27:55

Lassie, language!

0:27:550:27:56

WHINES

0:27:560:27:58

We're all tired.

0:27:580:28:00

All in all, though,

0:28:030:28:05

having to take on the odd rescue mission is

0:28:050:28:07

a small price to pay for a car that is just so rewarding.

0:28:070:28:12

It's an SUV for the driver who cares about driving.

0:28:120:28:15

The noise, the lack of unnecessary technology.

0:28:170:28:21

It all connects you with what's really important.

0:28:220:28:25

The mechanical experience.

0:28:250:28:26

Really, I'm struggling to see a downside

0:28:280:28:30

to this magnificent machine.

0:28:300:28:32

So there you have it - Russia's answer to the modern SUV.

0:28:320:28:37

And, honestly, I would definitely recommend it.

0:28:370:28:39

Sure, a Mercedes GLS is a little quicker,

0:28:390:28:43

and an Audi Q7 is slightly more refined,

0:28:430:28:46

but the Shaman is practical,

0:28:460:28:48

it's spacious...

0:28:480:28:50

and...

0:28:500:28:52

Oh, did I not mention?

0:28:520:28:53

It swims.

0:28:560:28:57

With all this saving people, maybe I could join the Avengers.

0:29:010:29:04

I could be...

0:29:060:29:07

The Shamanator.

0:29:070:29:09

Yeah, I like it.

0:29:110:29:13

Be there in a couple minutes.

0:29:150:29:16

Maybe 15.

0:29:180:29:20

Maybe 20.

0:29:200:29:21

APPLAUSE

0:29:250:29:27

Now you're talking! This thing's massive!

0:29:280:29:31

This...

0:29:310:29:32

This is my kind of family SUV.

0:29:320:29:34

Exactly. Why would you want a Range Rover

0:29:340:29:35

when you could have one of these?

0:29:350:29:37

I'm telling you, I can see literally no downsides to this car.

0:29:370:29:41

No. Also, 88 grand. I mean, that is a lot of wheels for the money.

0:29:410:29:45

Yeah, and way cheaper than a helicopter.

0:29:450:29:47

I'm sorry, what, a helicopter?

0:29:470:29:49

Yeah, that's how the Shaman is marketed -

0:29:490:29:51

as a helicopter alternative.

0:29:510:29:54

Think about it, OK?

0:29:540:29:55

If you needed to get somewhere in the middle of nowhere,

0:29:550:29:58

hundreds of miles from the nearest road - deepest, darkest Russia -

0:29:580:30:03

it's basically this or a helicopter.

0:30:030:30:06

You know how many naked ramblers you can fit in a helicopter?

0:30:060:30:09

-No.

-Yeah, neither do I. And I do not want to find out.

0:30:090:30:13

Imagine the turbulence and the downdraught.

0:30:130:30:15

All that naked skin flopping around. I don't... No, no.

0:30:150:30:18

Chris!

0:30:180:30:19

So what do you think? Trade in the helicopter, get one of those?

0:30:190:30:22

I doubt it. I could do without the naked people in there.

0:30:220:30:26

You know, it's funny, because the best Russian vehicle is the

0:30:260:30:29

really old Kamaz with the really thin wheels?

0:30:290:30:31

Almost looks like a loaf of bread?

0:30:310:30:33

And everyone in Russia uses those. They go anywhere.

0:30:330:30:36

And then they use the old eight-wheelers as well.

0:30:360:30:39

Eight-wheel steering things.

0:30:390:30:40

-It was fun to drive.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:30:400:30:42

OK, I'd like to show you a new family car from America. OK?

0:30:420:30:46

It's made by Dodge and it's called the Demon. Let's take a look.

0:30:460:30:50

Nice.

0:30:500:30:52

Look at that, that's a nice-looking car, right?

0:30:520:30:54

Four seats, nice big trunk, or boot.

0:30:540:30:57

Would you like to know how fast that car goes from 0-60mph?

0:30:570:31:01

-You tell me, Matt.

-2.3 seconds.

0:31:010:31:05

That is the fastest-accelerating car ever made.

0:31:050:31:08

Faster than a 918 Spyder, faster than a LaFerrari...

0:31:080:31:13

Faster than...everything.

0:31:130:31:14

Until it gets to the first corner!

0:31:140:31:16

LAUGHTER

0:31:160:31:19

Exactly. OK, look, here's another picture.

0:31:190:31:21

That is an official Dodge photograph.

0:31:210:31:24

"I'm having trouble laying my power down."

0:31:240:31:26

-Yeah, that is how you sell a car. Huh?

-Look at that!

0:31:260:31:29

OK, how much power does that thing have?

0:31:290:31:31

OK, you're going to love this - it has 840 horsepower.

0:31:310:31:35

-That's ridiculous. And that's a tuner car, surely?

-No, no.

0:31:350:31:39

No, no, no.

0:31:390:31:40

In America, you can go into your local Dodge dealer

0:31:400:31:42

and buy one of those bad boys.

0:31:420:31:44

And you know the best part about the whole thing?

0:31:440:31:46

If you put your foot all the way down and really stand on it,

0:31:460:31:49

the front wheels will come off the ground.

0:31:490:31:52

-The car does wheelies.

-It's a funny car!

0:31:520:31:54

How cool is that? Yeah, no, take a look. We have a clip.

0:31:540:31:56

-GRUFF VOICEOVER:

-'You don't want the truth.

0:31:560:32:00

'You can't handle the truth!'

0:32:000:32:02

Come on!

0:32:020:32:04

That's nuts!

0:32:040:32:05

-Huh?

-See the way the sidewall just creased on the tyre?

0:32:050:32:08

That's unbelievable.

0:32:080:32:09

OK, so just to recap, you've got McLaren pushing the boundaries of

0:32:090:32:13

technology, using carbon fibre, aerodynamics - new language.

0:32:130:32:18

And you've got Dodge saying, screw that, screw technology, we're

0:32:180:32:22

just going to insert a big V8 engine and make it as sophisticated as...

0:32:220:32:25

an anvil.

0:32:250:32:27

That's right. What's your point?

0:32:270:32:28

It's absolutely brilliant. All of it's brilliant! I love it.

0:32:280:32:31

I know. We are totally driving that next series.

0:32:310:32:34

OK, now, the Formula 1 season is back under way.

0:32:340:32:38

But for the first time in over 30 years,

0:32:380:32:40

F1 doesn't have a certain man running it - Bernie Ecclestone.

0:32:400:32:44

See, at the start of this year,

0:32:440:32:46

a company called Liberty Media took control of Formula 1.

0:32:460:32:49

Since then, Bernie has stayed very quiet about the whole affair

0:32:490:32:53

and the honorary title Liberty gave him.

0:32:530:32:55

But a couple of weeks ago, Bernie got in touch,

0:32:550:32:58

asking if we'd like to have a little chat.

0:32:580:33:00

And you don't say no to Bernie, so we didn't.

0:33:000:33:02

And he also said that he'd only talk to one guy -

0:33:020:33:05

Eddie Jordan.

0:33:050:33:07

You all right, Bernie?

0:33:070:33:08

-Yeah, I'm fine.

-Let's have fun, man.

0:33:080:33:10

Now, Liberty.

0:33:120:33:14

They've given you this great title, I'm kind of confused -

0:33:140:33:17

what does that title mean? Is it a gagging order?

0:33:170:33:20

I don't know, really.

0:33:200:33:21

It's a little bit like giving a hitman a gun and no bullets.

0:33:210:33:27

That's not very clever.

0:33:270:33:28

Oh, but I've got enough money to buy the bullets.

0:33:280:33:32

Bernie, they said, or you said about them,

0:33:320:33:34

that they should have killed you, not wound you.

0:33:340:33:36

What did you mean by that?

0:33:360:33:37

No, I didn't actually say me at all.

0:33:370:33:40

-That isn't what I said.

-OK, well, tell us what you said, then.

0:33:400:33:42

I said the trouble with all sort of animals,

0:33:420:33:45

if you want to kill them, you have to kill them, don't wound them.

0:33:450:33:49

Ah, but it's the same meaning, isn't it, Bernie?

0:33:490:33:51

You were giving a little message to them.

0:33:510:33:53

-It depends how people...

-Be careful.

0:33:530:33:55

-..want to take meanings, doesn't it?

-OK.

0:33:550:33:57

Formula 1 is in good hands, Bernie?

0:33:570:33:59

Now? I hope so.

0:33:590:34:01

Can it improve without you?

0:34:010:34:02

I'm sure it will.

0:34:020:34:04

The problem over the last two or three years has simply been

0:34:040:34:07

no competition. And now it looks like we've got some.

0:34:070:34:11

Ferrari, can they win the championship this year?

0:34:110:34:14

Honestly, I shouldn't say this, but I hope they do.

0:34:140:34:17

But I don't think they will.

0:34:170:34:18

It's good for business?

0:34:180:34:20

If we lost Ferrari, over the years, we'd had have been in trouble.

0:34:200:34:24

Formula 1 is Ferrari and Ferrari is Formula 1.

0:34:240:34:27

For many years, I've been intrigued about the way you were able

0:34:280:34:32

to bring the championship right to the last race.

0:34:320:34:35

I mean, you're fixing that, aren't you?

0:34:350:34:38

Not at all.

0:34:380:34:40

The teams may have, but I don't.

0:34:400:34:42

Maybe the teams get together and decide to split the money secretly

0:34:420:34:46

or something to make sure this happens, I don't know.

0:34:460:34:49

You are joking, we know that.

0:34:490:34:51

But it is remarkable, isn't it?

0:34:510:34:54

I'm just lucky.

0:34:540:34:55

Where would you see the possible improvements?

0:34:550:35:00

Well, I think we ought to get rid of a lot of the silly regulations

0:35:000:35:03

that restrict so many things

0:35:030:35:05

for the drivers and the people building cars.

0:35:050:35:09

It's become an engineers' championship,

0:35:090:35:11

not a drivers' championship.

0:35:110:35:12

It's the drivers that should be driving the cars.

0:35:120:35:15

They are the ones that should win the races and get all the credit

0:35:150:35:18

for doing what they've done.

0:35:180:35:20

Who was the best one, in your view?

0:35:200:35:23

Best driver...

0:35:230:35:25

Nobody ever agrees with me. I think it was Alain Prost.

0:35:250:35:28

Because he always had competition in the team,

0:35:280:35:33

he lost two World Championships

0:35:330:35:35

by a small margin, through bad luck on his part.

0:35:350:35:39

So, he should be credited as being the best.

0:35:390:35:42

I want to talk about your cars.

0:35:420:35:44

I've got to ask you, you don't suppose that you might have

0:35:440:35:47

the getaway car from the Great Train Robbery there, by any chance?

0:35:470:35:50

No, I wish I could find it. I don't know which one I used at the time.

0:35:500:35:53

-Ah, OK!

-HE CHUCKLES

0:35:530:35:55

Bernie, because, you know, we laugh and joke about it,

0:35:550:35:58

but there are still a body of people who associate you with

0:35:580:36:01

-the Great Train Robbery. Why do you think that is?

-No idea, no idea.

0:36:010:36:05

Wasn't enough money on that train, actually.

0:36:050:36:07

Bernie, before we wrap up,

0:36:070:36:09

I've just got a couple of little names that I'd perhaps like

0:36:090:36:13

maybe for you to tell us, in your own words, what they mean.

0:36:130:36:19

Ferrari.

0:36:190:36:21

Special.

0:36:210:36:22

McLaren.

0:36:220:36:24

Trying hard. Trying hard.

0:36:240:36:27

Max Verstappen.

0:36:270:36:29

He's really, really super.

0:36:290:36:31

He's going to be a world champion, for sure.

0:36:310:36:33

Finally, Bernie - Lewis Hamilton.

0:36:330:36:36

Best thing that happened for Formula One for a long, long time.

0:36:360:36:40

Good ambassador. Super...

0:36:400:36:43

Certainly the best driver of this...

0:36:430:36:45

-You know, the last ten years.

-Of his era.

0:36:450:36:48

Bernie Ecclestone.

0:36:480:36:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:36:510:36:54

Nobody's heard from Eddie since that interview...

0:37:020:37:05

LAUGHTER

0:37:050:37:06

Where is he? Don't mess with Bernie!

0:37:060:37:08

OK.

0:37:080:37:10

The time has come.

0:37:100:37:12

The time has come, as it always does.

0:37:120:37:14

-The time has come to see your lap. How do you think you did?

-Um...

0:37:140:37:18

Well, you know, you can never tell, can you? I mean, um...

0:37:180:37:23

-I hate this bit!

-LAUGHTER

0:37:230:37:25

I got up this morning thinking, "Why do I put myself through it?"

0:37:250:37:29

You know he takes it seriously, though. Look at his shoes -

0:37:290:37:32

racing driver's shoes.

0:37:320:37:33

-Yeah, yeah.

-It matters.

-Put him out of his misery, Matt.

0:37:330:37:36

-All right, let's take a look, come on.

-OK. Thank you.

0:37:360:37:39

Off the line, that's a good, clean start.

0:37:400:37:42

Come on, then, young lady - the Toyota GT86,

0:37:440:37:47

from the Land of the Rising Sun!

0:37:470:37:50

OK, the line was good coming into first...

0:37:500:37:53

A little bit wide there.

0:37:530:37:55

And you turned a bit wide, but you were on the power early.

0:37:550:37:58

And using all the circuit. That's good, that's really good there.

0:37:580:38:01

Feels a bit smoother to me.

0:38:010:38:03

Good, and you've stopped the car.

0:38:040:38:06

Some people barrel in there too fast. I reckon your speed was right.

0:38:060:38:10

Line good coming out.

0:38:110:38:12

Don't miss the gear!

0:38:120:38:14

You didn't miss the gear, you see?

0:38:140:38:15

You blithering idiot!

0:38:150:38:17

OK, down the back straight.

0:38:170:38:20

Ah, now, you're a bit wide there. A little bit wide.

0:38:260:38:29

Get it in. GET IT IN!

0:38:290:38:31

And you're self-flagellating, which is a good sign.

0:38:310:38:35

-Using all the circuit there.

-Come on!

0:38:350:38:38

I've never looked too good in a helmet, have I, really?

0:38:380:38:40

No guts, no glory!

0:38:420:38:44

It feels like the one. It feels like the one.

0:38:460:38:49

This is aggressive. This is aggressive!

0:38:490:38:51

The trial brake was good. That was your new line through there.

0:38:510:38:55

And you failed to do a 720 there, which is good.

0:38:550:38:57

And now, over the line...

0:38:570:38:59

-OK, right.

-APPLAUSE

0:38:590:39:01

Well done.

0:39:020:39:04

All right. Come on, what do you think? You feeling confident?

0:39:110:39:13

Oh, I don't know. I don't know!

0:39:130:39:16

You know, um, it's, um, it's tricky.

0:39:160:39:19

You know, it's a tricky little... That Hammerhead is tricky.

0:39:190:39:21

You just feel where you're losing bits and bobs and feel where

0:39:210:39:25

you're losing time, and there's a lot of different lines to take,

0:39:250:39:29

-so, um, who knows? But just... Just get on with it!

-Now, we know...

0:39:290:39:33

-We know you now.

-Yeah.

-You're fairly competitive.

0:39:330:39:37

We know you're not looking down in this section here.

0:39:370:39:39

You're looking up there, with the Hoy and the Noble and the Whitlock.

0:39:390:39:43

-Right?

-Yeah, I kind of am up there, yeah. I'm looking up there, yeah.

0:39:430:39:46

That's where you want to be. OK.

0:39:460:39:48

Jay Kay...

0:39:480:39:50

You did it...

0:39:500:39:52

JAY CHUCKLES

0:39:520:39:54

This is my favourite part. I love it!

0:39:550:39:58

Oh, yeah, milk it!

0:39:580:39:59

-Milk it, milk it!

-You did it in one minute...

0:39:590:40:03

-..30...

-Yes?

0:40:040:40:06

6... GROANS

0:40:070:40:09

..point 1.

0:40:090:40:11

Seven tenths off a bloke who's done Le Mans!

0:40:120:40:16

-Happy?

-Yeah, yeah, good.

0:40:160:40:18

-Come on, come on!

-Second fastest.

0:40:180:40:21

Ladies and gentlemen, Jay Kay!

0:40:220:40:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:40:260:40:29

Now, I want to talk about the ugliest car ever made,

0:40:340:40:39

because there is one that stands head and hideous shoulders

0:40:390:40:43

-above all others. Feast your eyes on this.

-This is the SsangYong Rodius,

0:40:430:40:49

-and it is truly revolting!

-Yeah, but, here's the thing.

0:40:490:40:53

Sure, the Rodius might be horrible to look at,

0:40:530:40:55

but it has a beautiful secret.

0:40:550:40:58

And to reveal that secret, Rory took me and this

0:40:580:41:01

Korean masterpiece on a little road trip to Southampton.

0:41:010:41:06

Well, I've got to say, I'm impressed.

0:41:100:41:12

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

0:41:120:41:13

It's as gross on the inside as it is on the outside.

0:41:130:41:16

This thing is disgusting!

0:41:160:41:18

-Better be good, whatever we're doing in Southampton.

-Just you wait.

0:41:180:41:23

'Well, at least I didn't have to wait long.'

0:41:240:41:27

Pull in here.

0:41:270:41:28

It's a boat yard, Rory. Why are we going to a boat yard?

0:41:280:41:31

Are we going to drive into the ocean? That's a good call.

0:41:310:41:33

OK, this is perfect.

0:41:330:41:34

'In fact...'

0:41:340:41:35

Come here.

0:41:350:41:37

'..Rory had something else in mind.'

0:41:370:41:39

Look, here's what you need to know about the Rodius, OK?

0:41:390:41:41

-It was designed by a guy called Ken Greenley...

-Who was blind?

0:41:410:41:45

Who was head of vehicle design at London's Royal College of Arts,

0:41:450:41:49

and he knew what he was talking about.

0:41:490:41:50

And the Rodius was inspired by the design of luxury yachts.

0:41:500:41:55

No, it wasn't!

0:41:550:41:57

Come here, check this out, look.

0:41:570:41:59

How about now?

0:42:000:42:02

No, I don't see it.

0:42:050:42:07

Dude, look.

0:42:070:42:08

Look at the lines, OK, look at the S-shape, the way it flows.

0:42:080:42:11

That's nautical.

0:42:110:42:13

The Rodius might be a hideous car,

0:42:130:42:16

but it was never supposed to be a car,

0:42:160:42:18

it was supposed to be a yacht.

0:42:180:42:20

We are going to turn the SsangYong into a yacht.

0:42:200:42:23

Hey, does this mean we get to cut it up?

0:42:240:42:27

-Yeah.

-Excellent, I am in!

0:42:270:42:29

We're going to do this for Ken Greenley.

0:42:310:42:33

Who?

0:42:330:42:34

-The blind guy.

-Yeah.

0:42:340:42:36

Yeah...

0:42:360:42:38

Psshww!

0:42:380:42:40

'To see if Rory's idea would float,

0:42:400:42:42

'we enlisted the help of one of Southampton's leading boatbuilders.

0:42:420:42:46

'A man called Digby.'

0:42:460:42:48

What are the problems, do you think,

0:42:480:42:50

by trying to turn this thing into a boat?

0:42:500:42:52

-What's the biggest hurdle?

-Capsizing. Very worst - death.

0:42:520:42:56

-Death?

-Death.

0:42:560:42:58

Huh.

0:42:580:42:59

It's a very big car to make into a boat.

0:42:590:43:02

But it already looks like a yacht.

0:43:020:43:05

Well, that's...

0:43:050:43:06

open for interpretation. We don't need to get into that so much.

0:43:060:43:10

Can we make it happen?

0:43:100:43:12

Um, if you look at basics of stability,

0:43:120:43:15

you're putting tonnes of weight up there.

0:43:150:43:18

If you start moving through the water at any sort of speed,

0:43:180:43:21

as soon as you hit a wave, you're going to end up down here,

0:43:210:43:24

and risking happy people becoming very much dead people.

0:43:240:43:28

It's going to be difficult.

0:43:280:43:30

-Do you think this is a bad idea?

-Oh, yes, it's a terrible idea.

0:43:300:43:33

-But it's doable?

-Vaguely doable.

0:43:330:43:35

-But doable?

-There's a chance.

0:43:350:43:37

OK! That's all we need to hear.

0:43:370:43:39

-Then we're doing it!

-Welcome on board.

0:43:390:43:40

-Hey, let's hope that we live through this.

-Yeah, we'll be fine.

0:43:400:43:44

'So, we set to work,

0:43:460:43:48

'carefully extracting weight,

0:43:480:43:51

'remodelling the stern and bow,

0:43:510:43:54

'and delicately finessing the hull.'

0:43:540:43:56

Oh, hot, hot, hot!

0:43:560:43:58

Well, what do you think?

0:43:580:44:00

Probably need another day.

0:44:000:44:02

-Two days.

-Max.

-Yeah.

0:44:020:44:05

SEAGULLS CRY

0:44:090:44:11

At last...

0:44:130:44:14

..she was ready for testing.

0:44:160:44:18

And to do that,

0:44:190:44:21

there was only one place to go.

0:44:210:44:23

Monaco.

0:44:230:44:25

What the hell am I doing here?

0:44:250:44:27

This is genius, OK?

0:44:270:44:29

We have unleashed the Rodius's inner beauty.

0:44:290:44:33

It was inspired by yachts, and now it has become a yacht!

0:44:330:44:38

You're going to love this, I'm telling you.

0:44:380:44:40

Rory, bring her round!

0:44:400:44:42

MUSIC: Power by Kanye West

0:44:420:44:45

Woohoo!

0:44:480:44:49

Come on! We did it!

0:44:490:44:51

# No one man should have all that power

0:44:510:44:54

# The clock's tickin' I just count the hours... #

0:44:540:44:57

This is going to blow his mind!

0:44:570:45:00

-Oh, my God.

-Look at that!

0:45:000:45:03

That's right! That's right!

0:45:040:45:06

MATT LAUGHS

0:45:060:45:08

Rear Admiral Reid...at your service!

0:45:080:45:12

Nice!

0:45:120:45:13

There's a car in there!

0:45:130:45:15

There's a car... There's...

0:45:150:45:17

-It's really weird, now I can't un-see it!

-Yeah!

0:45:170:45:20

-Because I can sort of see a boat.

-It makes perfect sense!

0:45:200:45:24

-It works, right?

-This is what it was born for!

0:45:240:45:27

It's actually disturbing.

0:45:270:45:29

Rory's dressed as Captain Birdseye...

0:45:290:45:31

-Admiral!

-..and he's...

0:45:310:45:33

Admiral Birdseye.

0:45:330:45:35

This is a luxury yacht, and when you're the admiral of

0:45:350:45:38

a luxury yacht, you have to look the part. Hence the outfit.

0:45:380:45:42

He does look good. You've got to admit, he looks good.

0:45:420:45:44

No, the boat looks good.

0:45:440:45:45

It's a super-yacht. Enough with the boat talk!

0:45:450:45:48

How did you create it? Did you buy the hull of a speedboat

0:45:480:45:52

and then just drive the Rodius

0:45:520:45:54

as fast as you could into the back of it?

0:45:540:45:56

Wait till you see the inside, it's killer. Back it in here.

0:45:560:45:59

-I'll bring her round.

-Yeah, swing it around.

0:45:590:46:01

He's still getting the hang of driving it.

0:46:010:46:04

Give me a minute!

0:46:040:46:05

Right in there somewhere...

0:46:050:46:07

THUD! Beautiful.

0:46:090:46:11

-So...

-Huh?

-..you're impressed, right?

0:46:110:46:14

Did you do this on your own?

0:46:140:46:16

We... We had a bit of help.

0:46:160:46:18

Yeah, we had a little help from a guy called Digby,

0:46:180:46:21

who uses the word "death" a lot,

0:46:210:46:23

but that's not what's important.

0:46:230:46:25

No, what's important is, climb aboard the SsangYacht,

0:46:250:46:29

and all of your land-based worries will simply wash away.

0:46:290:46:33

You can swim, right?

0:46:330:46:34

-What?

-MATT AND RORY LAUGH

0:46:340:46:36

This is absurd.

0:46:360:46:38

So, the seats have stayed,

0:46:380:46:40

the dashboard has stayed.

0:46:400:46:42

This material here, this sort of fake marble, faux marble -

0:46:420:46:46

what is it?

0:46:460:46:48

That's real, genuine...fake marble.

0:46:480:46:51

-What's that whirring sound?

-It's a bilge pump,

0:46:510:46:54

comes on automatically if water gets in the hull.

0:46:540:46:57

-I'm sorry?

-What?

0:46:570:46:59

'While Chris came to terms with the awesomeness of our creation,

0:47:010:47:05

'we broke out the big guns.'

0:47:050:47:07

Ready?

0:47:070:47:09

-Whoa!

-Flatscreen TV!

0:47:090:47:12

As if out of nowhere, it magically appears!

0:47:120:47:15

-And disappears.

-If you want it to.

0:47:150:47:18

-Boom!

-You are a pair of court jesters, aren't you?

0:47:190:47:21

What are you talking about? This thing is fantastic.

0:47:210:47:24

So, you've been gone for weeks,

0:47:240:47:26

and the sum total of your endeavours is a 12-inch TV screen

0:47:260:47:29

that will only stay upright if you're holding a rope.

0:47:290:47:32

It's 15-inch.

0:47:320:47:34

-You like music, right?

-Yeah.

0:47:340:47:37

Sit right here, please.

0:47:370:47:39

Right there.

0:47:390:47:40

Now, snap your fingers.

0:47:400:47:42

-Oh, look at that!

-Boom!

0:47:440:47:46

-Huh?

-Grand piano!

0:47:460:47:48

Check this out!

0:47:480:47:49

HE PLAYS THE EASTENDERS THEME BADLY

0:47:490:47:54

Do we have to go and make it move at some point?

0:47:560:47:59

'Hell, yes, we did.

0:47:590:48:02

'And to get Chris on board once and for all,

0:48:020:48:04

'we gave him the first go.'

0:48:040:48:06

Yeah, baby!

0:48:080:48:09

-Whoa!

-The SsangYacht lives!

0:48:090:48:12

This thing rocks, man!

0:48:170:48:18

This is insane!

0:48:190:48:21

What I will say is, it's got good power.

0:48:240:48:26

But I thought the Rodius had a ropey old Merc diesel.

0:48:260:48:29

No, no, no, now it's got two Volvo V-6 engines.

0:48:290:48:32

So that gives us a total of 400 horsepower.

0:48:320:48:35

How fast will it go?

0:48:350:48:36

-I don't know.

-I have no idea.

0:48:360:48:38

-There's only one way to find out, isn't there?

-Nail it!

0:48:380:48:41

Whoo!

0:48:430:48:44

That's 25 knots, right there!

0:48:470:48:49

In a minivan, on the sea!

0:48:510:48:53

THEY LAUGH

0:48:530:48:55

I have to say

0:48:580:49:00

that it is much better than I expected,

0:49:000:49:04

and it is better to drive than the road-going SsangYong Rodius.

0:49:040:49:08

And I will begrudgingly concede that it's not utter crap.

0:49:080:49:13

-Excellent!

-Thank you.

0:49:130:49:15

It's a winner! Well done, Rory! Yeah!

0:49:150:49:18

So, I took the liberty of contacting leading luxury boat magazine

0:49:190:49:24

Boat International, right, and asked them if they'd like to review it,

0:49:240:49:29

and they said they're sending over their best reviewer.

0:49:290:49:32

-Yeah!

-OK!

-OK.

0:49:320:49:35

'So, we went to meet up with him.

0:49:350:49:37

'And inevitably...'

0:49:370:49:39

-No!

-'Yup.'

0:49:390:49:41

-EDDIE:

-Ahoy! Afternoon, boys.

0:49:410:49:43

Are you reviewing our boat?

0:49:430:49:45

Boat International correspondent at your service.

0:49:450:49:50

Yeah, no, it says right here, Eddie Jordan.

0:49:500:49:54

'Nevertheless, keen to make a big first impression,

0:49:540:49:56

'we suggested the first test be performance.'

0:49:560:50:00

Eddie, what do you say, let's run

0:50:000:50:02

a quarter-of-a-nautical-mile drag race?

0:50:020:50:04

-Down to that "booey" out there and back.

-Oh, OK.

0:50:040:50:08

-What's a booey?

-Shut it!

0:50:080:50:10

Three, two, one, go!

0:50:120:50:15

Stand on it!

0:50:150:50:16

Hold on!

0:50:180:50:19

Oh, we've got the jump on him!

0:50:210:50:24

Come on, baby, come on!

0:50:240:50:26

Bloody hell, Rory, slow down! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

0:50:270:50:31

I don't want to die!

0:50:310:50:34

Come on!

0:50:340:50:36

How many times have you driven a boat this fast?

0:50:360:50:38

None!

0:50:380:50:39

I ain't backing out. Just hold on!

0:50:400:50:43

-Whoo!

-Aah!

0:50:430:50:45

God, this is slow. Look at that crappy boat there!

0:50:450:50:48

Nice and easy round the booey.

0:50:480:50:50

-Left!

-Go, go, go!

0:50:500:50:51

-Here we go, steady, baby!

-He's catching us, he's catching us!

0:50:530:50:57

Now we're smokin'!

0:50:570:50:59

Quick!

0:50:590:51:01

Oh, when we get up speed, we're going to...

0:51:010:51:04

Ohh!

0:51:040:51:05

THEY WHOOP AND CHEER

0:51:050:51:07

Way to go, Rory, way to go!

0:51:070:51:08

Now, stop the boat and never, ever drive that fast again with me in it!

0:51:080:51:13

Ever!

0:51:130:51:15

I hate that boat!

0:51:150:51:17

'The review was off to a rocky start.

0:51:170:51:20

'And once we'd slightly reduced the risk of being buried at sea...'

0:51:200:51:25

There we go.

0:51:250:51:26

'..our expert set us straight.'

0:51:260:51:28

Guys, you're completely missing the point.

0:51:280:51:31

'Apparently, luxury yachts aren't about speed,

0:51:310:51:34

'they're about showing off your toys...'

0:51:340:51:37

Where's he gone? Where'd he go?

0:51:370:51:38

'..as he then demonstrated.'

0:51:380:51:40

Ha-ha! This is what I'm talking about!

0:51:430:51:46

Look at him go!

0:51:480:51:49

Wow!

0:51:510:51:52

He's quick for an old guy, isn't he?

0:51:540:51:56

All right, so he's got toys on his boat.

0:52:020:52:05

We've got toys. Do we have toys?

0:52:050:52:08

'Hell, yes, we did.'

0:52:080:52:10

Whoo! Nice work, Harris!

0:52:120:52:14

-Nice work!

-Yeah, Eddie, take that, baby!

0:52:140:52:18

-# I'll be ready

-I'll be ready... #

0:52:190:52:23

-This guy is a master of all forms of transport!

-He's great!

0:52:230:52:28

# ..I'll be ready... #

0:52:280:52:30

No!

0:52:300:52:31

You know, I'm looking through Boat International,

0:52:320:52:35

and I don't see any other super-yacht

0:52:350:52:37

towing people off the back.

0:52:370:52:39

We are blazing a trail!

0:52:410:52:43

How is he looking?

0:52:430:52:44

He's down!

0:52:470:52:48

He's down, he's down.

0:52:480:52:50

'Well, we'd proven our point,

0:52:530:52:55

'and once we'd found Chris,

0:52:550:52:57

'he was loving the SsangYacht as much as we were.'

0:52:570:52:59

We have just proved you can ski behind a Korean MPV!

0:52:590:53:03

Eddie Jordan, stuff you!

0:53:030:53:07

THEY LAUGH

0:53:070:53:08

Ooh!

0:53:080:53:09

-Careful of the paint job, man!

-Sorry, sorry, sorry.

0:53:090:53:12

Do you think that will go down as a good review?

0:53:120:53:14

-Well done, buddy, well done.

-He's going to love it.

0:53:140:53:16

'But he didn't.'

0:53:160:53:18

For heaven's sake!

0:53:180:53:20

Being able to water-ski behind it doesn't make it a luxury yacht.

0:53:200:53:24

By the time we are finished with you, you will be convinced

0:53:240:53:27

that this thing is the future of luxury yachting.

0:53:270:53:32

'We decided to bring Eddie aboard

0:53:320:53:33

'and show him the SsangYacht's hidden depths,

0:53:330:53:36

'so we headed for Monaco's legendary marina where, frankly,

0:53:360:53:40

'we blended right in.'

0:53:400:53:42

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

0:53:420:53:44

I think we could squeeze in right behind him, we won't have to pay.

0:53:440:53:48

Mr Jordan!

0:53:480:53:49

Admiral Reid. Welcome aboard the SsangYacht.

0:53:490:53:54

Mr Jordan! Welcome aboard, sir.

0:53:540:53:58

Can I offer you a drink?

0:53:580:54:00

-Gin and tonic, I think.

-Gin and tonic?

0:54:000:54:02

-Gin and tonic it is.

-I'm very sceptical about all this.

0:54:020:54:05

You're sceptical? How sceptical?

0:54:050:54:07

-Very sceptical.

-Very sceptical? OK!

0:54:070:54:09

There you go.

0:54:090:54:11

Now, Eddie, you look like a guy that takes good care of himself.

0:54:110:54:14

-You go to the spa sometimes?

-Sometimes.

-Check this out.

0:54:140:54:18

Are you ready?

0:54:180:54:19

What we have here is special goldfish that we are trying

0:54:190:54:22

to train to eat the dead skin off your feet.

0:54:220:54:25

So, drop your tootsies right in there and feel the love happening.

0:54:250:54:28

You feel them?

0:54:280:54:29

-Are you guys for real?

-Yeah.

0:54:290:54:31

'Sensing the onboard spa wasn't doing the trick,

0:54:310:54:34

'Rory made a panic move.'

0:54:340:54:37

HE PLAYS THE EASTENDERS THEME BADLY

0:54:370:54:42

'And with that not working either...'

0:54:420:54:43

Really?

0:54:430:54:45

'..I quickly moved on to the as yet unexplored...'

0:54:450:54:47

Keep crawling, keep crawling, keep crawling.

0:54:470:54:49

'..master suite.'

0:54:490:54:51

Look at this!

0:54:510:54:52

Is this spacious, or what? Huh?

0:54:520:54:55

I think it's going really well. I think he really likes it.

0:54:550:54:58

-You really think he likes it?

-He loves it.

0:54:580:55:00

He just had his feet chewed by a recalcitrant goldfish!

0:55:000:55:05

There's your toilet. Right there.

0:55:070:55:09

Is that nice, or what?

0:55:090:55:10

I am confused.

0:55:120:55:13

And then, this red button, do you see this?

0:55:130:55:15

-Yeah.

-This red button...

-Yeah?

0:55:150:55:18

..ejects the waste, the sewage, away from the boat,

0:55:180:55:23

so you're not snorkelling through it.

0:55:230:55:25

There's no cigar fish in your life.

0:55:250:55:28

-Give it a try.

-What, hit that?

-Yeah, hit the button.

0:55:280:55:31

It's like a cannon - a torpoodo!

0:55:310:55:34

HATCH WHIRS

0:55:340:55:36

GURGLING

0:55:420:55:43

Oh! Must have been one in the chamber.

0:55:430:55:45

Rory, where are your manners?

0:55:450:55:46

Sorry!

0:55:460:55:47

I mean, lads, please...

0:55:470:55:49

You are having a laugh.

0:55:490:55:51

What do you mean?

0:55:510:55:53

I mean, you can't possibly say that that's correct or proper.

0:55:530:55:56

Are you proud of it?

0:55:570:55:59

Very. Are you proud of me?

0:55:590:56:02

No.

0:56:020:56:03

-Come on.

-How could I be?

-We took a minivan...

-It's crap!

0:56:030:56:06

But we took a minivan and turned it into a yacht!

0:56:060:56:09

But only a lunatic would do such a thing.

0:56:090:56:12

'Eddie had seen enough,

0:56:130:56:15

'and with our first review complete, all that was left to do was

0:56:150:56:18

'to christen our ground-breaking vessel...'

0:56:180:56:21

GLASS SMASHES

0:56:210:56:23

EDDIE AND CHRIS LAUGH

0:56:230:56:25

'..and set sail once again.'

0:56:250:56:28

So, where to next, boys?

0:56:280:56:31

Portofino? Capri?

0:56:310:56:33

-Miami.

-Oh, nice!

0:56:330:56:35

-Yeah!

-Can you just drop me off over there before you do that?

0:56:350:56:39

Oh, come on.

0:56:390:56:40

I don't want to go any further.

0:56:400:56:42

Come on!

0:56:420:56:44

Come on.

0:56:440:56:45

CHEERING

0:56:530:56:56

How amazing is that? How amazing is that?

0:56:580:57:00

There it is!

0:57:000:57:02

We built...

0:57:030:57:05

-We built a beautiful boat...

-Yeah.

0:57:050:57:08

-Nobody drowned.

-Nobody drowned.

0:57:080:57:10

-And we've removed a Rodius from the road.

-Yup.

0:57:100:57:12

And...and the torpoodo stopped doing that thing where it backfired.

0:57:120:57:17

That...was very...upsetting.

0:57:170:57:20

OK, OK, time for the big moment, because I have here the very first

0:57:200:57:25

SsangYacht review by Mr Eddie Jordan in Boat International magazine.

0:57:250:57:31

Honestly, this is completely genuine,

0:57:310:57:33

you can buy this right now from any good...boat newsagent.

0:57:330:57:37

-Come on, come on, what does it say? Show me, show, me.

-OK, OK, OK.

0:57:370:57:40

Right here, let's see...

0:57:400:57:43

All right, what have we got, what have we got? Um...

0:57:430:57:46

"Top-heavy...

0:57:460:57:48

"Awkward...

0:57:480:57:49

"Minefield of pointy corners..."

0:57:490:57:53

No, no, no...

0:57:530:57:55

"The worst thing to happen to boating since that iceberg."

0:57:550:57:59

OK, OK, here we go. In conclusion...

0:58:020:58:04

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:58:040:58:05

Uh, "It is quite simply the worst boat I have ever been on."

0:58:050:58:11

How great is that?

0:58:140:58:16

What... What are you talking about? It's a terrible review!

0:58:160:58:19

Yeah, but it's a review.

0:58:190:58:21

Boat International magazine deemed our little boat worthy of a review.

0:58:210:58:27

I mean, yeah, sure, they kicked us,

0:58:270:58:29

but they kicked us over six very glossy pages.

0:58:290:58:33

I mean, feel that. That is good stuff! Feel that.

0:58:330:58:37

Yeah, that is good.

0:58:370:58:38

And it's not every day you get the chance to be utterly trashed

0:58:380:58:41

-right next to an advert for statue repair services.

-Yes, exactly!

0:58:410:58:47

-We have arrived. Well done, Captain Reid.

-Admiral.

-Admiral Reid.

0:58:470:58:52

-Well done, Seaman Harris.

-Thank you.

0:58:520:58:55

RORY SNIGGERS

0:58:550:58:57

And that is the end of the series.

0:58:570:59:00

Thank you all so much for watching.

0:59:000:59:01

Have a great summer and we'll see you soon.

0:59:010:59:04

-ALL:

-Good night!

0:59:040:59:05

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