Episode 1 Unzipped

'We asked 500 extremely unusual questions to

'thousands of British people.'

Has anyone else ever knocked one out over Facebook?

'The answers to those questions make a totally unique look at our lives -

'the Britain Unzipped Report.

-'Tonight we'll be looking at booze.'

-Yeah.

-'Revealing a country that's drunk and disorderly.'

-Oh, God!

-We drink as much vodka as we can till we puke.

-Back to you, Greg.

'We'll be using one beautiful celebrity...'

If I went home with a guy and he had shit-coloured sheets..

-'..this girl's naked mother...'

-Why's your mother naked all the time?

-'..and some single lads in Wales...'

-Welcome to chez Cardiff.

'..to discover why we're all heading for a hangover.'

-# It's my turn to talk! #

-# Yeah. #

'This is Britain Unzipped!'

Grow up!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Britain Unzipped. This is Russell Kane.

CHEERING

And that thing there, about a foot taller than me -

Gandalf to my Frodo - is Greg James.

If you're interested in what British people ACTUALLY get up to, then this is the show for you.

Over the next few weeks, we'll be sneaking a peek through the curtains

of this great, but very weird country, to expose the REAL Britain.

And how have we done this? Well, by creating the Unzipped Report.

Now, this report contains the answers to over 500...

Thank you. ..questions. And a lot of those questions were very personal.

Yeah, but you gave some very honest answers.

Tonight we'll reveal the answers to these questions.

-At what age do we first get drunk?

-Is it acceptable to take a dump in a nightclub?

How often do single men change their sh-eets?

How many of us have seen our parents naked?

Is it normal to give our private parts a nickname? Bobby.

And if you've ever sat in a pub, turned to a mate

and uttered these words?

Has anyone else ever knocked one out over Facebook?

Well, we know the answer to that too, sadly.

We won't shy away from asking celebrities some very personal questions as well.

Which must be exciting news for our guest. It's Holly Willoughby!

-Hello.

-Hiya!

-Hello, Russell.

-Hi, Holly, how are you doing?

-Hi, boys. I'm a bit scared about this.

You don't need to be scared if you're normal. How normal do your think you are?

Rate yourself from one to ten. Ten being weird and one being normal.

OK, I reckon I'm pretty normal.

Reckon if sort of one is abnormal then I reckon I'm about an eight, I hope.

OK. Well, we'll tell you...

If you prove me wrong

-I'll be very upset about this.

-We'll tell you because we'll go through your results and compare them

-to the rest of the British public. If you're a freak, we'll tell you.

-Brilliant(!)

-Holly, we'll see you later.

-Thank you.

-Bye.

Holly's answers might be influenced by the fact that

she grew up near Brighton in the southeast of England.

People in the southeast, women are more likely

to fancy their partner's brother than anywhere else in Britain.

Yes. But people in the southwest are actually their partner's brother.

-Yeah? Yo, give me seven!

-We love a generalisation like that.

But here's a real one for you. Listen. If you come from Essex, like me - Essex! - right?

There's a 45% chance - 45% - that at some stage

you've put your willy between your legs and pretended to be a girl.

-And...and you have?

-Yeah, I genuinely have as well. I did it as a dare.

I'd had a few Sambucas, which is compulsory when you grow up in Essex,

and we were at Piccadilly Circus Station,

it was really busy, and me and my friend both did full mangina

with our knob between our legs, like that.

We stood there in the rush hour. This is the shocking bit - we did a full reversal to everyone looking.

It looked like someone had smashed up a raw chicken with a hammer.

Strange but true. Here's what else is heading your way tonight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 'Drunk and unzipped.

'Russell goes down the pub to find out why this country can't get laid without getting pissed.'

'Men and women unzipped. Are we really that different? To right we are.

'And we'll prove it with the help of a Cockney cabbie,

'a tasty surprise and this naked mother.'

It's hot in here and it's not the Aga, it's you, baby!

'Holly unzipped!

'So let's get up close and extremely personal by asking

'some invasive questions to tonight's special guest.

'Let's meet the face of The Voice!'

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Please welcome to Britain Unzipped - it's Holly Willoughby!

-Whoo!

MIMICS CHIMPANZEE

Thank you.

-I can't actually turn around until I've heard the voice. Holly?

-Hi, Russell.

-Ah, I like that.

-Do a little will.I.am head. Why do they...

They dance with their heads, don't they? They have distinct...

Well, it's hard to dance in a chair.

He looks like he's smelt something a bit inappropriate, will.i.am.

I don't know what's in that but I don't like the smell of it.

I love The Voice.

-Do you?

-Jessie is my favourite.

-I love her, too.

A few weeks ago when she went - # It's my turn to talk yea-eah! # -

-that's the best way to get into a conversation.

-I know.

We should just bring that into everyday conversation, just start singing - like an opera.

I'm just apologising, in a way, for all the personal stuff we now

have to ask you because you've been horribly honest in your report.

Well, you have to be, don't you?

You must be honest and we've got some amazing responses from you.

Time for your normality questions which is where

we used the report to discover whether you,

Holly Willoughby, are normal, or not.

OK. Yeah.

-OK, this is compared to the rest of the women in Britain.

-OK.

-If you could lose a limb,

which one would you lose?

-Um, my left leg.

-Why?

Well, I wouldn't want to lose an arm because I use my hands a lot and...

-Absolute filth.

-# She's everybody's girl. #

-You've got filthy minds in this audience, haven't we?

I'd lose a leg because you can get a very good prosthetic leg now

so I don't think you'd mind it too much.

With your hands, that thing is probably harder to replicate.

I can reveal you're fractionally not normal.

Only 49% of women would choose to lose their leg.

-The rest of them say, "Take my arm off."

-Do they?

-Yeah.

-It's weird, isn't it?

-Weird!

Have you ever bet that a marriage wouldn't last?

-I've not like taken money for it.

-Haven't you?

-No.

-Be honest.

I've not gone, "Let's have a wager. How much are you going to give?

"Let's put it in the pot." I've never done that but I've gone, "Mmm, it won't last."

At the wedding?

-BOTH:

-Oh, my God, she has!

-I actually have.

-Who was it?

-No, it was... No! No! Are you kidding me?!

-Who was it?

-No way. I actually nearly said it. No, no, no, I cannot say.

It was a very, very long time ago is all I'm going to say.

-Ah, but are they still married?

-Yes.

-BOTH:

-Oh!

-Are you gutted?

-It's only a matter of time.

-The truth will come out! Well, I can reveal that you are not normal. Not at all.

-Oh...

Only 16% of people

are so horrible that they bet a marriage wouldn't last.

-Oh, no! No, no, no.

-You're in that cold minority.

No back-pedalling!

-16% of people are honest enough to say that they think that. I reckon it's higher.

-It's a blind survey.

You cannot get out of this. Not only have you amputated your leg but you hate people.

-Next question. OK, picture the scene.

-Yeah.

-A friend's private sex video has been stolen...

-Yeah.

-..and leaked online. Say Phillip Schofield's.

Do you watch it?

Absolutely!

-Yeah, who wouldn't?

-Why wouldn't you?

I would.

-Did you watch the Tulisa video?

-Of course.

-Shall we do it?

What?

-What?

-Well, I can reveal that the women

who answered the survey, that's not normal.

Only 28% of women are pervy enough that they'd want to watch

Schofield's balls swinging around.

That's not the question they asked.

If you'd asked that question, I'd say 90% would say yes.

28% of women said they would watch their friend

-going at it in a sex video. Again...

-Yeah, but to for sexual kicks.

It's how... When you say it, it sounds dirty and sordid.

That's because I am.

-It was, "Would you?" Like, "Yeah."

-Next question.

Have you ever kissed someone because it was easier than not kissing them?

-Perhaps Phillip Schofield before This morning?

-Never.

-Why do you keep bringing him into it? Yes, I have. Yeah, I have.

-OK.

I've been on dates where it's not been going great and it's been

easier just to go, "I'm just going to kiss you now and say, "Bye-Bye, let's speak tomorrow,""

rather than go, "This has been awkward."

-Hm. Goodbye.

-I don't really know what to say now.

Sometimes it's quicker just to kiss somebody than to explain.

-Well, that is...

-It was a very long time ago.

-I've been married a very long time.

-Don't lie. You can't back-pedal now.

-Is that weird too?

-No, that is in fact normal.

More women... 54% of women have kissed a guy just to get rid of him.

-Yeah. Good. Well, no, that's not good.

-No, it's not.

-But it's right.

All right, last one. Would you eat a human if you were starving to death?

If somebody had asked me this question before I'd had kids,

I'd have said, "No."

-But since having kids.

-You decided to eat people?!

-No!

-Let me explain.

-Placenta omelette!

-This does make sense.

This does make sense. If it was just me on my own, I'd rather die.

But it would be like that thought that I had to get back for them.

And it would be like they would need me in their life,

so you'd do anything to survive for them.

-Mm.

-So that's. Now, you're going, "Aw."

-That's sweet.

-After me saying that.

-That's sweet now.

-That's where that's the difference.

-Cos I've got cats, I would probably cook Greg's leg.

Just to get back to Keith and Wayne.

The very fact that you would cross that threshold if you had to

and you were starving, makes you not normal.

Only 28% of women would eat human flesh if they were starving.

And that's kind of it. But, Russ,

-ask one more.

-Oh, yeah, sorry. How big is Phillip Schofield's willy?

-Grow up.

-Sorry.

After those questions, we can safely say that compared to

-the rest of the women in Britain, you are very odd, really.

-Yeah.

-I thought you were about to say, "Very normal."

-BOTH: No, no.

-Thank you, Holly for giving us very honest answers.

-Am I?

Still to come, we find out how much men and women

really know about each other

and reveal the city where 8% of the inhabitants - that's 50,000 people -

claim they get drunk every single day of their lives.

Plus Holly will be sticking around to hear some very unusual

celebrity confessions.

But first, let's link up with our cameras in Wales,

where we'll be using the Britain Unzipped report

to help out some BBC Three viewers.

That's right. It's time for We Know Where You Live.

APPLAUSE

This week, we're helping these four single lads in Cardiff.

According to our report, if you're a man in Wales,

you're more likely to be single

than someone living anywhere else in Britain.

That's single or, as the Welsh would say... "Krrch!"

LAUGHTER

And with a bit of luck, we should be able to go to their house right now.

-There it is!

-Ah, look.

They've got doors, just like the English.

Let's go inside, let's go inside.

-WELSH VOICE:

-We might see some of their traditional Welsh pelts

-and hunting furs.

-OK, that looks OK.

I've seen boy's houses that are worse than that.

Oh, there's the lads. Wahey, the lads!

Hello, Cardiff!

APPLAUSE

You lot need to be careful

about remaining single in Wales for too long.

Our report has unearthed some frightening facts.

Thanks to our report, we know that single men are 86% more likely

to be unhappy than men in a relationship.

Yep, that is wyth deg chwech per cent.

24% of people living in Wales have done a bit of stalking.

That's dau deg pedwar per cent.

And listen to this - 22% of people living in Wales have admitted

to fancying someone they're actually related to.

Dau deg dau per cent o bobl Cymru yn cyfaddef

eu bod fancying rhywun y maent yn ymwneud a.

APPLAUSE

That was spot on.

So, lads in Cardiff, how come you lot haven't been snapped up yet then?

Well, I think I speak for all the boys

when I say it's probably cos Holly's still in a relationship.

LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

-Hm. I'm not so sure.

I think it might be something

to do with these facts that we've uncovered.

Apparently, Alex, you're always too shitfaced to seal the deal.

-Too off your head.

-That sounds about right, yeah.

"Rrr, come on, lads!"

Ethan's lack of success with the ladies may be due to the fact

that he's more interested in his mates

because apparently once, when Rob got lucky,

Ethan sat outside Rob's bedroom

and serenaded him by getting on the guitar

and playing Let's Get It On. Is that true?

LAUGHTER

-He deserved it.

-Cheers, mate(!)

That's called a musical cock block. Bang out of order.

LAUGHTER

Apparently Rob is living on another planet

and is too dopey to realise girls are interested. Druggie!

LAUGHTER

Keelan, one thing we know about you

is that although you're a real ladies man,

you've never ever had a girlfriend.

Vir-gin! Vir-gin!

LAUGHTER

I just think it's down to personal taste.

I just haven't found the correct girl yet.

So you haven't found the one, is that what you're saying.

FRIENDS: Ah!

Ha-ha-ha!

Ah!

Keelan's got a sensitive side, bless his heart.

Keelan, we discovered that 13% of single men only change their sheets every three months.

It must be related to the fact that they don't have a lady in their life.

It might sound sexist but, just out of interest, Keelan,

-how often do you change your sheets?

-Ooh, not for a while.

I want numbers, I want months.

I'd say about a month.

Let's find out, shall we?

Because, with the help of Holly,

I've actually got Keelan's real, actual bedsheet from Wales.

LAUGHTER

You've been stitched right up by your mates.

So Keelan, you've got no idea we got your bedsheet.

Have you ever seen CSI before?

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Is it like a murder scene on there?

You know the bit where they sort of examine the crime scene

with a UV torch and stuff?

Well, we're going to get Holly to get a UV torch

and we're going to sort of show up your DNA, as it were.

LAUGHTER

-Can I just say something?

-Yeah.

-If I went home with a guy and he had shit coloured sheets...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, OK. Right, OK.

-Let's dim the light.

-Holly, you have your torch at the ready?

Keelan, are you ready?

With this light, I shall reveal what you've been up to.

Let's just scan the sheet.

Arrgh!

LAUGHTER

-What's that? That's DNA!

-That's got a major one there.

Look at that.

It looks like someone's knocked over a church candle.

LAUGHTER

I think we could almost work out which end's the head end here.

GROANING

That's falling asleep on your tummy crying that one, isn't it?

Actually check the corners, Greg.

-Check the corner, cos I don't want to hold the spunk.

-Where you're holding?

-Yeah.

-No, you're all right there.

-You need to...

-ALL: Argh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God!

I never thought I would utter the sentence,

"I've just touched Keelan's sperm."

-Oh, my god!

-I'm not touching it. I'll be pregnant again!

-Disgusting.

-That's so horrible.

There's a lesson there to all men. Change your sheets regularly.

You never know when a TV show's going to turn up at your house, steal your bedding

and get Holly Willoughby to examine your spunk with a blue torch.

Oh, my God. Gross! So, boys, we're going to give you a little...

Don't do the...!

LAUGHTER

Oh, god!

-Can we dim the lights?

-No!

Can we just check?

Greg is clear.

Oh, you're all right.

It's just, "Bluerrgh!"

They were just as nervous as Keelan was. Keelan, you're not on your own.

Oh, my God. Try his face.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, boys, we're going to give you a challenge. You need to complete this

before the end of the show. Listen carefully.

We need you to stop seeing girls as objects, right?

Start treating them as princesses.

Your challenge is to convert your house

into a female-friendly shav...haven.

LAUGHTER

By the time we come back, we expect to see girls

-being preened and pampered.

-But not entered. Don't get carried away.

Now, you can find women anywhere you like.

You can persuade absolutely anyone.

If you have to, go down the nursing home

and just lure back some crusties with Werther's Originals.

As long as they're female, it doesn't matter.

If you succeed, we'll give you a very exciting mystery prize.

We'll be back soon to see how you get on. Good luck, lads in Cardiff!

APPLAUSE

Don't smell it!

Now, all those challenges are of course based on info we uncovered

when we surveyed single men in Wales.

But if there's one thing we're going to learn in this series,

it's that there's no such thing as normal anywhere in Britain.

Holly will be sticking around as we delve deeper into the moist

folds of the Unzipped report. But to see how normal you are

compared to her and the rest of the country, go to the website.

Just click on Britain Unzipped, answer the questions honestly

and receive your own report.

You'll find some questions in there about drinking and drunken behaviour

because, when it comes to alcohol, it's fair to say that this country

is pretty screwed up. I went down to the pub to find out why we're

so often down the pub, down the pub, pubbity-pub-pub. Pub.

LAUGHTER

Britain. We're about the only country in the world which,

when told we're the worst drinking culture, our response isn't...

-That's terrible, Dave!

-I know! Hoe can we fix our culture, Barry?

No. Unfortunately, the response

to the British culture of "dangerous drinking" is more...

Come on, Gary! Drink up!

ALL: Down it! Down it! Down it!

Cover him in Sambuca, set him alight

and float him down the Thames!

Rule Britannia!

CHEERING

Given that the average age that we first get hammered is 15...

Pint of bitter, please.

Yeah, 15.

Do you think all this booze could be linked to our messed-up sex lives?

I mean, take the Americans. They can do sober dating no problem.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Hey, Carol. I know it's lunchtime and were both sober

on a Tuesday, but how about I take you out for a salad and a coffee?

Oh wow, Brian! I've always really liked your direct

and sober approach. Okey-diddly-dokley!

Imagine that behaviour in Britain without alcohol.

Hey, so look. I know it's daytime, we're sober and in the street...

-Get back!

-Oh, God! Oh!

See, my theory is simple.

Our British repressions stop us emoting at a healthy level.

We'd rather die than do anything when we're sober all week.

But come Friday night, all sorts of filthy hell breaks loose.

Nothing all week, nothing all week...

It's Friday night! Finger me in the disableds, Darren!

See, I don't make the rules.

But fill the Brits full of enough Sambuca

and they soon start going at each other like a chief at a tribal drum.

Welcome to my village! I put it in you and you like it!

APPLAUSE

So according to Russell, a lot of our problems in life

stem from our difficult relationship with alcohol. As we heard,

it probably doesn't help that we're as young as 15 years old

when we start getting drunk. 15!

Yeah, so we thought we'd find out from some of the gobbier members

of the audience why this might be.

Any of you lot? Who got drunk before they were 15?

Who? In Essex, of course, that is normal.

In fact, in Essex we sometimes do an in-uterine injection of Sambuca

while the baby's growing.

It comes out lit and we drink the amniotic fluid afterwards.

LAUGHTER

What about if you were getting drunk before you were a teenager?

Hands up for 11 or 12? You?

-Oh! Hi, what's your name?

-Joe.

-Joe? How old were you?

-11.

How did it happen? Accidental or what?

-The spirits cabinet round people's houses.

-People's houses?

Yeah, you'd go round a friend's house for a sleepover,

parents have gone down the pub,

-"We'll have a look in there." Next thing, you've got a bottle of vodka out.

-Wow!

Sitting there in your sleeping bags, drinking neat vodka then running to the toilet and throwing up.

Sounds just like the Railway Children, doesn't it?

What a sweet story. Holly, how old were you when you first got drunk?

I don't know. Probably about sort of 17.

Liar. Seven! It was seven!

The Brits not only drink young but they also drink very regularly.

How often do the girls here go out and get pissed?

Who goes out really regularly? Give me a cheer.

Loads of you. So what goes on?

Just get really drunk, drink as much vodka as we can till we puke.

-Really?

-Basically, yeah.

-Oh my God, I've got a hard-on.

And what's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened

to you when you've been that wasted? If you even remember it.

-Woke up in the wrong bed.

-What do you mean?

-Just woke up in the wrong beds.

-Do you mean with the wrong footballer?

-Yeah.

So, where's Sonny? Apparently you've never got drunk? Gay, gay, gay!

-Sorry, that was inappropriate.

-Following you around.

-Oh, really?

Never drunk. I don't feel part of this bunch at all.

-So, what, you're teetotal?

-Teetotal mainly because of boxing.

-Oh, shit. Sorry, I didn't mean that.

I totally respect that, yeah? See you later. So, what, you're just like proper health conscious?

No, I just go to the gym a lot and I watch him get drunk. He's a nightmare.

So he's like your friend you just carry around to watch him get pissed?

-What's your name?

-Jack.

-Yeah, it's Pissed Jack!

I look after him. Jack the Beard.

-Yeah, if anyone messes with him, you just knock them out, don't you?

-Hit and run, hit and run.

That's a lovely story over here.

Obviously Sonny doesn't need booze to have a good time, but a lot of other people do, like Adam here.

I think booze does definitely make it easy to pull.

It makes your inhibitions less and makes you think you're a lot better looking than you actually are.

OK.

Now, what's the most amount of people you've got off with on a night?

-Over 20. Over 20 on a night out, yes.

-Boys or girls?

-Boys.

-Just the boys?

-Yeah.

-Gay, gay!

Now, of course, if you drink too much,

you can end up covering yourself, or even worse someone else, in puke.

Who has vomited on someone else when they're drunk? Own up, guys, come on. OK.

I went out with a group of friends, I was with this bloke, he's beautiful. Oh, he was so fit. Wow.

Let's both join her, Greg. Come on.

It was all arranged, like we're going home with each other.

So we're in this bar and he's like, "Are you OK?"

And as I turned around to say yes, I threw up all over him. And now he won't talk to me.

-While you were snogging him?

-No, I was talking to him.

-You was like, "I really faaancy you."

OK, well, thanks for that. Adam... Woo!

I'm going to try and get off with her while you're doing that.

-So Adam, I've been told that you had an incident whilst you were with a man.

-Yeah.

-What happened?

-Pulled in a nightclub, and when we started performing oral sex, I vomited all over him.

Pardon the pun, but how did that go down?

Not too well, as you can imagine. As you probably can't, but...

-Spoke to him again, or...?

-No, it ended there.

"Thanks for last night, really enjoyed the puke. Cheers."

So there we go, it's just as I feared. When it comes to alcohol,

this country and this audience especially has some serious issues.

To cover up the uncomfortable silence that will now follow when I recommend you all seek some professional help,

especially you, knob sicker, please give yourselves a massive round of applause. Thank you.

Still to come, more from Holly.

And we've asked some very intrusive and personal questions to Jon Snow

and other leading intellectuals like Sinitta. Their answers are on the way.

Now, let's explore the oldest, most contentious subject of all -

nuclear disarmament, predominately focusing on Ahmadinejad and Iran. Not really! It's BBC Three!

We're going to look at the difference between men and women.

"I just want to stick it in you."

"But I've got feelings. It's not that simple, Gary." Men and women there.

And to help probe this thorny issue, we need the help of tonight's studio audience

because it's time to play...

Over the course of the series we'll be using our audience to answer the most important question of all.

Who's best - girls or boys?

Representing the boys, please boo or cheer as appropriate, it's Sam.

CHEERING AND BOOING

And representing the girls, it's Eloise.

CHEERING AND BOOING

OK, let's get a few lazy gender stereotype questions out of the way first of all.

Sam, you're a bloke. Do you prefer football or fights?

I play rugby so it's got to be fighting, hasn't it?

-Lager or bitter?

-Lager.

-JLS or One Direction?

-One Direction.

-Why?

-They've been likened to the Beatles.

-Have they?

-Yeah, apparently.

-OK, fine, whatever.

Right, it's time for your lazy stereotypes now, Eloise.

As you're a girl and not a bloke, they're just open-ended

so just express yourself, babe, say whatever you want.

It's more about the emotional components of your answer than anything else.

Why is love so totes difficult?

Don't know, babes. Just don't know.

Do you think men and women are just emotionally different and ultimately incompatible but need each other?

Yeah, sure.

And finally, me or Greg or both or consecutively?

I'll just tag you in when I'm done.

-I'll go with both?

-Yeah! Chest bump.

We've got some questions about the difference between men and women. Eloise, every question you get right

entitles you to one of these prizes from a collection of girly cliches.

We've got things like candles and a hair visor, teddy bears, even some rose wine as well.

APPLAUSE

-And Sam, you of course get to choose from proper geezer prizes.

-Huuurgh!

Tonight we've got boxing gloves, dumb-bells, a Jeremy Clarkson DVD and an even a spirit level.

Yeah!

You know what, I even smashed it at the end. Just kicked it all over. Just didn't care.

Eloise, we have got something extra for you that you might get very excited about.

We heard that you're quite a big fan of Olly Murs.

In fact, we know that you're a massive fan of Olly, because this is how you reacted last Christmas

-when you were given some tickets to see him live. Have a look at this.

-You're kidding.

-MUM:

-Try underneath the tissue paper.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, my God!

-Are you happy?

-Yes.

Hold your T-shirt up.

-Eloise, just remind us how old you are again - 10, is it?

-20.

-20?

-Yeah.

Don't worry, Eloise, I was exactly the same when I got my Joe McElderry tickets back in 2009.

So as well as those other prizes,

Olly has very kindly donated this personalised and signed CD for you.

It's got your name on it, Eloise, and you could win it if you get the questions right.

But if not, I will stamp on it while you watch.

LAUGHTER

And he's even sent you this message. Have a look.

Hi, Eloise. Olly Murs here.

I've just seen the footage of you getting my tickets for my tour and it's really, really funny.

I've got to say, I really hope you enjoy the show.

But most importantly, you're on Britain Unzipped tonight

so my fingers are crossed for you, babe.

Have a great night, good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon. Stay cheeky.

She's crying! Do a close up on her crying. Crying!

-Aw babes, you all right, do you need a hug?

-Yeah.

-Come here, darling. She's emotional, bless her.

-Now, Sam, we did some research on you as well and we found out...

-Right.

..absolutely nothing interesting at all. So no extra prizes.

LAUGHTER

-Sorry, mate, nothing.

-Let's get started. OK, lighting change.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

Yes, woo. Here's the first question. We asked...

Write the answers down, please.

-Holly.

-Yeah?

Have you seen your parents naked recently?

I see my mum naked all the time.

-Why?

-It's not like she's a naturist or anything.

-Why's your mum naked all the time?

-No, she's not like...

-Just in ASDA like that. "I want a chicken, please."

-No, but like she's my mum.

-I don't go, "Hey, Mum, let me see your vag. It's a Tuesday."

Don't turn this into something dark and sordid and filthy.

Right, the time is up. Sam, what have you written?

-What percentage of women as adults have seen their parents naked?

-22%.

-You've gone with 22%. Eloise, what have you got?

-I have gone with a rather high 40%.

It must be a girl thing. Girls look at their parents naked.

Well, the correct answer is actually 17% of adult women have seen their parents naked.

Which means the winner is Sam.

APPLAUSE

That means you immediately bag a manly prize.

You've bagged nothing. Oh, smashy, smashy destruction.

Now, Eloise, we've managed to get our hands on a nice photo of your mum.

-She's a very beautiful woman, just like you are. Let's have a look.

-Ah. How hot is your MILF of a mum?

Unbelievable. Have you seen her naked recently, then?

No, I don't think so.

-Are you sure your mum doesn't do any glamour modelling ever?

-No!

-Really?

That's odd because in my spare time, I do a bit of amateur photography.

Nothing mucky, but I'm pretty sure that I met your mum last week.

-Are you ready, Greg?

-Yeah, Tina, ready. Come on through, let's go.

Lovely!

Really good.

OK, Tina, I like this - it's like Nigella. Even sexier.

Perfect!

Use the cherries as nipples.

Wonderful.

Yeah, two buns. Love the buns. Loving the buns, Tina!

-Lush!

-You're like a sexy Helen Mirren. We love it.

Lovely! The lids look great.

Hopefully you're not allergic to Teflon.

Really nice. It's hot in here, and it's not the Aga. It's you, baby.

Toss your head back. Yeah! Give the lids a spin. Oh, loved it! Yes!

Lovely. Really good. We love that.

Yes, that is the one!

We are done, Tina! Really good. We smashed it. High five!

Not a high five. Can we get a top for Tina, as well?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I just can't believe you didn't know about that.

Very nice photos there. I picked out a few of my favourites.

Well, my personal favourite was this one.

-The classic!

-And this one as well.

-Nice.

-But there was one that I thought went a little bit far.

You didn't know that was coming, did you?

Gotcha! Serves you right

for saying I've got a spunky face.

Please thank your mum from me. She was a delight. She was.

-"She was a delight"? Greg?

-OK.

This is a special treat

for you to give to the whole family this Christmas.

It's the calendar.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah?

It's a proper calendar. We made the whole thing.

-That is yours.

-Lovely. There we go, darling. That's yours.

Next week, it's your gran.

OK, next question is:

what percentage of men have admitted to masturbating

whilst looking at someone's Facebook page? Gross! Disgusting!

OK, what do you reckon? Write that down, please.

-They've got to admit it, though.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-So, some of us just wouldn't say if we did or not.

-No.

I sometimes look how many friends I've got

and just knock one out immediately.

Masturbating over Facebook. Quite specialist pornography, that.

People are discussing it!

People at home, it's being discussed heavily in the studio.

Right, let's find out what your answers are.

What percentage of men -

bearing in mind men are sticks with tennis balls and a stalk

that go ooh-ooh!

What percentage of man have masturbated

whilst looking at someone's Facebook page? Eloise?

Well, I thought they're going to have to admit it.

I put 6%, cos I don't think many would admit that.

What do we think, pervy truck driver Sam?

-I reckon 35%.

-Yeah, I bet you do.

I bet you're on your BlackBerry like that. In a lay-by.

I can now reveal that the percentage of men

who's done knocky-out-ings over Facebook is...

-9%, so Eloise is the winner.

-Nice.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, that doesn't seem like that much,

but if you do the maths, that equates to

1,120,000 British men

who have updated their statuses all over Facebook.

GROANING

Yeah. Exactly.

For some reason, men in London do this more than anywhere else.

15% of London men have confessed to knocking one out over Facebook.

What? No, I'm sorry, I refuse to believe that. You stay here.

I'm off to find a decent, honest, proper salt-of-the-earth cockney

to talk about this.

I'm even going to exit using cockney head for traction.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Polish. There's too many Polish everywhere.

Ruinin' the country.

I'm so right-wing I'm actually crippled from it.

I'm off. See you later, babes.

I'm going to go out and find someone proper.

Taxi!

Erm, have you ever masturbated over a social-network site?

-No.

-Back to you, Greg.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Russell. A worthwhile trip. Here's the next question.

We surveyed over 6,000 people in our report and asked,

"Who makes you the angriest?"

But what percentage of women answered, "My partner"?

What percentage, do you reckon?

Makes the angriest.

Nice work! I liked him.

That's quite far.

OK, Sam, what have you written?

80%.

80% of women answered, "My partner".

-Yeah.

-Are you single?

-No.

And do you get on with your missus?

-So-so.

-Do you make her angry?

-Yeah.

-There we are.

-Eloise?

-I've gone with 40%.

-40%.

Well, I can reveal the correct percentage of women

that said their partner was the person who makes them angriest is...

50%. Eloise, you've won. Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Sam, we heard something about you from an ex-girlfriend

which must be the best ever example

of doing something to make your partner angry.

Yeah. Apparently, Sam, you once went out

with someone who worked at the RSPCA.

Now, I'm an animal lover, and we are really easy to offend and get angry.

Now, can anyone guess what Sam's gentle, boyish prank was

to wind his ex up?

That's right,

he ate a dog.

Explain yourself, Sam.

-It wasn't in this country.

-Well, that's fine, then(!)

-I didn't go down the park and steal a dog or anything.

-I often go abroad to murder...

I was in Hong Kong,

and it was on the menu, so I thought...

"Strange place, strange food. I'll give it a go." And so I tried it.

-Yeah, but you did it to wind her up.

-Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.

Now, we think Sam should do something

to make up to his ex-girlfriend and every dog lover

and decent person in Britain

for such disgusting behaviour, OK?

Holly Willoughby, please bring in the dogburger.

Notice there's no applause, just horrified silence.

-Russell, please remove.

-I just don't want to get the stench of it.

Now, we must say, this does... HE GAGS

This doesn't contain dog meat, just dog food, OK?

GROANING

No, no, no, come on, it's on a bed of lettuce and tomato, not sick.

-Sam?

-Yeah?

HE GAGS

-Swallow this.

-Just a bite of it, maybe.

-A bite of it.

-Look at the jelly! Ugh!

-Swallow a bit of this

and we'll forget all about Hong Kong.

Sam's got a sweat on, look!

And if you don't, we'll not give you any of your prizes. None of 'em. OK?

I'd rather eat that than a real dog.

OK, so, er...

take a bit of the old...

-Put the bun on.

-"Put the bun on it"!

-"Stick the bun on it - I'm not an animal!"

-Ugh!

-Oh, it smells so bad!

-Is he really going to do it?

-Come on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give him the plate.

-Just drink some of that.

-That's my water!

GREG GAGS

He needs to puke in that.

We don't want it back!

It's in my teeth.

Why am I here?!

-Thank you. Thank you.

-I think we should give him an extra prize

-just for dealing with that.

-OK. OK.

-Well done. Well done, Sam.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And thank you, Holly.

And that was the final question,

so the winner of tonight's Man Versus Woman is Eloise!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sam and Eloise, thank you both for taking part. Enjoy your prizes.

But here's what's still to come on tonight's show.

Holly Unzipped - she kissed you and doesn't like you,

she'd happily watch your sex video

and she'd even bet your marriage won't last.

And there's more shocking revelations to come from Miss Willoughby.

Wales unzipped - Holly's got them to clean up their act,

but how will four single men in Cardiff persuade some girls

that they're proper boyfriend material?

Celebs Unzipped - it's celebrity confession time.

Stay tuned to find out whether Georgie, Jon and Sinitta

spill the beans about sex, recurring nightmares

and toe amputation.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, earlier in the show, we met four single lads in Wales

and warned them of the dangers of staying single for too long.

Yeah, and to win a mystery prize, we set them the challenge

of transforming their house into a more female-friendly haven.

They had to find some girls to pamper.

Holly, what do you reckon? You saw them earlier. You saw the sheet.

Yeah, I saw Keelan's sheet. But the thing is,

what we don't know is whether that was just

male bodily fluid.

So from the evidence on the sheet,

I reckon they quite often have ladies back.

You think that's female...pleasures?

I think it's... a sign of togetherness.

LAUGHTER

That's lovely, babes! Lovely! So nice!

-You kind of made it sweet.

-He ruins everything!

-Sorry,

that's his mind. That's what he does.

That's what women always say in the end.

Let's get back to our cameras in Cardiff

and see how Alex, Ethan, Rob and Keelan got on.

Alex, there you are. The moment of truth. Please show us around.

-Hello!

-Hello. Right, welcome to Chez Cardiff.

LAUGHTER

-Over here, we have the lovely Jess.

-Oh!

-Lovely Jess, looking good enough to eat.

-What's that?

We've used peanut butter as a face pack

and a bit of salami in place of some cucumber.

Down here we've got her feet being soaked,

and using some, er, correctional fluid to give her a lovely pedicure.

LAUGHTER

-Look at her face!

-Come with me.

Over here we have...

-Rob and his magic hands...

-What?!

..performing a lovely little massage there on BB

using some hot rocks from the garden.

And also we've improvised a bit of cooking oil, as well.

She looks like she's enjoying it.

Right, down here...

Oh, and we've also got a lovely bit of artwork up there for everyone.

LAUGHTER

We didn't have any rose petals left,

cos we've already given the flowers away to the girls,

so we chopped up a carrier bag...

instead of petals.

And here we have the "spar".

-Oh!

-And in here we have the lovely Ethan, serenading away.

How's it going, guys?

We've used some washing-up liquid.

Johnny Depp's here for her, as well, Johnny Depp,

looking like a Hasidic Jew.

-And then we've got some tea lights, as well.

-Nice!

-Look nice, dunnit?

That is brilliant work. I think you'll all agree, that is fantastic.

I'm shocked!

Amazing.

I'm really impressed. Shall we give them the prizes, Holly, you reckon?

Well, all three of those girls are extremely hot.

They were, weren't they?

They've done extremely well.

Fellas, you're batting well above your weight.

Oh!

Cheek.

I'm joking, I'm joking. I did actually like the fact you were...

Hey!

I like the fact that you were...

LAUGHTER

-Did he just send her away?

-Yeah!

I liked the fact that you cut up the plastic bags as rose petals.

That was brilliant.

Lads, we've got some good news and some bad news.

The good news is you have won the prizes. What we have done is,

we've filled your fridge full of booze and food.

Yay! Well done, fellas!

But there is some bad news. There's bad news, guys,

and that is that we only bought girlfriend-appropriate food

so mainly its rose wine, organic salad, cottage cheese,

tears, oestrogen, self-loathing,

a Bridget Jones DVD. "Why are men bastards? I hate him, Kelly!"

So congratulations, boys. Thanks for taking part.

Let's hear it for Ethan, Alex, Rob and Ca in Cardiff!

APPLAUSE

There's more We Know Where You Live throughout the series,

-and who knows? It might involve you!

-Ooh!

How normal are you?

Are you quirky, boring or completely gaga?

Check out Britain Unzipped on the BBC Three website

and by answering our questions, find out how your social life,

work life and even sex life compare to the rest of Britain.

We'll provide you with a personalised report.

You can either share it with friends or keep it as our little secret.

Just go to bbc.co.uk/bbcthree

and click on Britain Unzipped.

We've learned a lot about what you lot get up to out there

but now it's time to dive into the murky water of celebrity,

and who better to guide us than the lovely Holly Willoughby?

APPLAUSE

Holly, it's time to find out what you know about your fellow celebs.

This is our Celebs Unzipped board.

Ah. As you can see, there are 8/9 beautiful celebrity faces

staring down at you from the board. Holly will pick one of the squares,

answer a question on the celebrity featured,

and all the questions are of course related to the stats we've uncovered.

Yeah, if you get five questions right,

you win something for everyone in tonight's studio audience.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

It was easy to decide what, because according to the Unzipped report,

it's Britain's favourite alcoholic drink.

Tonight's star prize for everyone is beer!

CHEERING

Beer!

I'll do my best. I'll do my best.

But, Holly, if you get five wrong,

then nobody wins a drink

so will it be booze for the audience

or "boos" for Holly?

-Ahh...

-Classic.

So please can we have

some over-the-top and unnecessary dramatic music, please.

UNNECESSARY DRAMATIC MUSIC

Rely on her.

(FALSETTO) # It's my turn to talk!

BOTH: # Yeah!

I am going to go for Jon Snow, please.

OK, Jon Snow.

-OK, Holly!

-Yep.

-We asked Jon Snow,

"How much money would you accept to have your little toe chopped off?"

What do you think he said?

Do you think Jon Snow said £500

or £50,000?

So he agreed on a price, then?

He did agree. He did agree.

-Um...

-And then we chopped it.

-50,000!

-Yeah, I think 50.

-50!

-50!

-What do you reckon?

-50.

£50,000. Let's have a look.

The lowest amount of money I'd have to have my little toe chopped off,

you don't fall over without your little toe

but it'd be a bit unsightly.

Still, I'd go for 50,000 quid.

Hey!

That is one done.

You are a fifth of the way to Beer City. What's your next choice?

I am going to go for Sinitta.

We asked Sinitta,

"What's your recurring nightmare?"

But did she say it's a jungle-based creepy-crawly

or one about a celebrity with a huge ego?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Hmm. Who could that be?

-Could it be...?

-A!

-A!

-What do you reckon?

-Yeah, I think...

-A!

-Yeah, I think after the fuss that she made when she was in the jungle,

I think she would have to say A, the creepy-crawly jungle thing.

-Let's have a look and see if you're right, babe.

-OK.

My recurring nightmare is being at a dinner party

sat next to Chris Moyles.

That was a bit naughty, wasn't it?

Oh! Imagine if Chris Moyles was in the jungle with her!

She'd have never recovered.

All right, pick another one please, Holly?

-Let's go Rizzle Kicks.

-Rizzle Kicks.

Listen carefully to this song by Rizzle Kicks. Listen to the lyrics.

# Yeah, the other day

# I was sitting on the train but in another place

# I was on my way home But maybe some would say

# I was thinking 'bout the days I want to run away

# I've only really got a couple mates

# Me, myself and I

# How cliche... #

-That is the street speaking right there.

-Yeah!

OK. In the words of Rizzle Kicks,

-"I've only really got a couple of mates, me myself and I."

-Yeah.

But when we asked people how many real friends they have,

what percentage said they didn't have any?

OK, no real friends.

-It's so sad, that one, isn't it?

-Was it 1% or was it 10%?

-No!

-What do you reckon? 1% or 10%.

-It's only one! No!

-One!

-Ten!

-What do you reckon?

-Ten!

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

Do you know what? I think one thing

but the majority of this audience are saying ten,

so I'm taking my own little census,

so I'm going to go for 10%, but that breaks my heart!

OK, you'll go for 10. Let's find out what the answer is.

It is 10!

One-two.

If you are playing along at home, you're playing alone.

-Aw!

-OK, three more for the beer.

-Pick one, Hol, what do you want?

So we need three more? OK. Doctor Who chap.

-The mystery man?

-You're going for the mystery celeb?

-Oh. No.

-What?

-Who's Doctor Who? That's Greg.

What, this?

LAUGHTER

That's not you!

Wow.

-That's amazing.

-Who's that? Hang on!

-Holly didn't recognise Greg

even though she's in front of him!

No, no, no!

You look like David Tennant in that picture!

-Doesn't that look like David Tennant?

-Yes!

-Thank you!

I'll take that as a compliment.

Greg, get over here. You look like a 40-year-old actor.

But I will show you my sonic screwdriver later.

The Greg question. We asked Greg

who would he choose as his celebrity mum?

-But how did he answer?

-Oh. Hmm.

Did he choose Barbara Windsor

or Hilary Devey?

-Hilary!

-Barbara!

-Hilary!

No, I'm going to go, I'm going to go...

Barbara!

-I'm going to go with Barbara.

-You're going with Barbara Windsor?

So Greg, whose favourite show is Dragon's Den

and talks about Hilary Devey,

you think his celebrity mum would be Barbara Windsor. You're sure?

-No.

-Really?

When I said Barbara, I meant Hilary.

Let's find out, who's Greg's celebrity mum?

It was Hilary Devey.

I love her.

-I'm so sorry.

-I do love her.

-Greg, why? Why do you love Hilary so much?

-Why Hilary?

Um, because,

(DEEP THROATY VOICE) Just basically, she can be like

your mum and your dad at the same time!

You know what I mean?

You'd send her to school if there was trouble.

I'd send her everywhere!

OK, could we go for David Cameron, please?

OK.

Right, David Cameron.

So, we asked the great British public this question.

Who is your ideal Prime Minister? But what was their answer?

Was it

Stephen Fry

or Jeremy Clarkson?

-Stephen Fry!

-Stephen Fry.

-Yeah?

-Stephen Fry.

-OK. Let's find out.

Obviously Stephen Fry.

APPLAUSE

We need one more for the beer.

-OK, OK, one more.

-So 31% of the country chose Stephen Fry.

Only 26% picked Jeremy Clarkson.

He'd make an awesome Prime Minister. He could give you interesting facts

about clouds when he's in Parliament. One more.

I'm going to go for the mystery one, please.

Choose the mystery celeb. Ooh!

OK. we asked women this question.

Which movie character do you try and live your life like?

But what was the most popular answer? Was it Bridget Jones...

-Oh, that's so hard!

-Or that bloke from Sex In The City?

LAUGHTER

No idea.

What do you think, Hol?

-See, I think this really splits woman.

-It did.

There's one type...

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

-What do you reckon?

-There's no split!

-Bridget!

-All right, Bridget.

-"There's no split!"

-All right, Bridget.

OK. I'll take that. Let's see which movie character

British woman would most like to be like.

Bridget Jones!

And that is it. That is correct, which means you've won.

Come over and join us, Holly. Come over, come over, come over.

So congratulations and thank you to everyone.

Everyone here tonight wins a beer!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

But be careful. Don't be that 43% of British people

who get so drunk they vomit in the street.

-That would be not very fun.

-Or on a willy.

That's all we've time for on Britain Unzipped.

A massive thank you to our special guest, Holly Willoughby.

APPLAUSE Thank you to the lads in Cardiff,

plus Sam, Eloise, Eloise's mum Tina.

We'll be back next week with more weird and wonderful results

-from our reports.

-Until then, you can go online any time

and complete your own Unzipped report

and see how normal you are. Just go to bbc.co.uk/bbcthree

and click on Britain Unzipped.

Thank you for watching, and see you next time. Goodbye!

Goodbye!

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd