Episode 2 Unzipped

'We asked 500 unusual questions to thousands of British people.'

It's like swallowing glitter and rainbows! Oh, my God!

'The answers to those questions make up the Britain Unzipped Report.

'Last week, we explored parental nudity with this girl's mother,

'gave this man some "food for thought"...'

GROANING AND APPLAUSE

'..and Holly Willoughby shocked the nation with her potty mouth...'

If I went home with a guy and he had shit-coloured sheets...

'..shocking confessions...' Would you eat a human?

Absolutely!

-'..and drunken behaviour.'

-ALL:

-Yeah!

'Tonight, we'll be looking at sex and dating...'

-So was he going, "Dirty slag"?

-"Dirty slag!"

..and enlisting the help of Christine Bleakley...'

I'm going out with a footballer - I don't want to know numbers!

'..two innocent members of the public and our hidden cameras

'to find out why we are all looking for love but just can't find it.

'This is Britain Unzipped.'

Hashtag "Amazeballs."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to Britain Unzipped. This is Russell Kane.

And where are my crampons? Cos I've got altitude sickness.

It's Greg James!

And this is the show where we expose the real Britain

and reveal that you lot are far from normal.

We know that cos thousands of you answered questions

that were personal, probing and absolutely none of our business.

So what questions? "Do you fart during sex?"

"Would you punch your boss in the face if you could get away with it?"

"Have you ever gotten so drunk, you woke up not knowing where you were?"

How about I did all three last weekend! You were there, dog, skin!

Yes!

Tonight, we'll examine the thorny and horny issue of sex and dating

to find out whether you're all looking for love.

Or are you just using it as an excuse for some rumpy-pumpy?

Along the way, we'll reveal some information about ourselves, too,

but, more excitingly, about our special guest - Christine Bleakley!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hello, hello.

Good seeing you.

-Welcome, welcome, welcome.

-Thank you.

-Now, you filled out the Britain Unzipped Report.

-I did.

We'll discuss how normal you are compared to the rest of the country.

-Are you nervous?

-Possibly a bit, yes,

with slightly dirtier questions, but not to worry.

-Don't worry - we won't humiliate or surprise you in any way(!)

-We will.

We're not alone tonight to discuss the answers to these questions.

You think we have brought in some experts

to table reasoned and rational discussion? Did we F!

We invited this lost to watch the show instead.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And then we put the gobbiest and most opinionated ones over there,

gave them a couple of...

# Shots, shots, shots

# Shots, shot, shots, everybody! #

..just to loosen them up a bit.

-What just happened?!

-I like it!

That's the Unzipped Sample.

We'll be hearing loads from them tonight.

Out of interest, how many of you have gone on a date to get laid?

-CHEERING

-This is the best country ever!

-Mm!

-Best ever!

And here's what else is coming up on Britain Unzipped tonight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Men and women unzipped,

a fashion disaster,

a shocking revelation,

and this hard-hitting interview...

Are you luring ordinary men away from their homes just for booze?

..are all heading your way in our weekly battle of the sexes.

The office unzipped -

Russell finds out why knocking out the boss

and knocking one out in the bogs are top of our to-do list at work.

Can I suck you off?

Christine unzipped -

it's time to do what we do best - question a celebrity's normality

and interview them in a very intrusive manner.

Let's meet tonight's special guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, thank you for joining us.

I do have to offer a bit of a disclaimer.

We'll ask you some questions.

They're from the report - it's not us being weird.

In case we ask too many questions about him later,

can I say, as an Arsenal fan, um...

Just end it there, shall we?

No, can I say how delighted I am at Chelsea's success

and Frank Lampard, your fiance's success,

and all the best in Germany. Are you going to go and watch them lose?

I'm hoping to, yeah, the Champions League final!

You've done so many interviews,

your questions are piercing and original,

so the pressure is on for us to ask you some original questions.

Is there anything before I proceed that you don't want to talk about?

-There's...

-Think carefully, because filth will come out of my mouth!

I know.

-I'm expecting a bit of filth.

-Good. Can we have more wine for Christine?

She's expecting filth, ladies and gentlemen!

Democratically elected filth!

OK, well, let's get started.

-It's time for your normality questions.

-OK.

-So here we go.

-We'll start with an easy one. Very simple.

-Lovely.

Do you fart in front of Frank?

I have absolutely no problem with breaking wind.

I could smell blow-off! I didn't want to say

"I can smell blow-off!"

Or indeed from a man with me, to be honest.

I just really... Any bodily function doesn't bother me at all.

-Fine.

-Sick, blow-offs, as you say, the whole works. I don't.

I know I'm relatively unique in that. My friends are the opposite.

I had a discussion with my best mate today

who was completely giving off about her husband,

"He just farted in front of me, it's disgusting!"

I don't get that. I don't have a problem with it.

I don't like it when it goes too far and one of you has a poo

while the other one is in the bath

and they're doing poo eyes while they're speaking, like that...

"I've been under a lot of pressure!"

"I'm under a STRAIN with the recession."

That's just wrong.

-You wouldn't want to see Frank's poo eyes, would you?

-No.

I've not really got a problem with the blow-off eyes!

Let me tell you, you are normal.

-Yes! Really?

-Completely normal.

Next one, have you used deodorant instead of showering?

Yes. Often.

-So if I was watching on early-morning telly...

-Oh, yeah.

..would you be there, just stinking?

Hopefully not stinky, but possibly unshowered.

Is that why Adrian Chiles always has that face?

"You smell a bit...

"Christine, you're stinking!"

When the alarm goes at 3am, you don't want to get into any water

at that stage, so a baby wipe... Does anybody ever do that?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah.

-Thank you.

I thought only blokes did that -

a gentleman's wash before an encounter!

Although we're making fun, that is normal.

-Yeah, that's OK.

-So smelly but normal.

Next one. Apart from the obvious, what do you do whilst on the toilet?

What do I do? I have been known to be on the phone often.

-Just doing a bit of admin?

-Not talking, texting.

Don't use that voice function on the iPhone,

it'll write, "Hello, how are YO-O-OU doing?"

"I'm sorry, I don't understand."

"Are you taking a dump?" "Yes, Siri."

I thought that would be normal, cos women are multitaskers,

but it's not normal -

-Oh, really?

-Sorry about that.

-Oh, dear. OK.

Next, do you exercise to look good rather than feel healthy?

I exercise just to feel good. It gives me a bit of energy, really.

That is normal.

-Only 30% of women said they exercise for aesthetic reasons.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Oh, OK.

-You know what we did before the show?

-What?

Not that. Oh, there we are.

CHRISTINE LAUGHS

-We are massive fans of this.

-Do you do it every day?

We're buff because of this.

-Can you not tell?

-My guns are bursting out of this!

-So this is your work-out DVD.

-Yeah.

And it is brilliant.

We particularly liked the "kick-butt interval training."

Yeah, it's great.

And the "Bleakley Blaster."

Someone said, "What will we call it?"

-We needed alliteration. It was simple.

-What is it?

It involves lots of squats and it's all over in minutes

and you get your daily workout.

-This is our favourite bit. Look at this.

-Oh, God.

This is my favourite, actually,

because it's over in four minutes.

Really push the tum.

Really push down to create that resistance.

I've got a bit of sweat right here on my nose.

You should sweat - if you don't, you're not working hard enough!

That's why we call that one the Bleakley Blaster.

Phew!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now...we love the Bleakley Blaster.

We really love the Bleakley Blaster.

-Have we got to do that?

-But what is the towel bit?

There is nothing worse than buying one of these DVDs

and you have to buy weights and all that, so rather than a fancy band,

-and bits that you have to get at the gym...

-Just a towel.

..you create resistance and really...

I'm learning to do country dancing!

Greg, do my leg while I watch!

That is the cheating version, yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Back to the questions. Next one.

Picture the scene, a friend's sex video has been leaked online.

-Maybe Adrian Chiles.

-Oh, God!

-That's wrong.

-Maybe Philip Schofield.

-Oh, no!

-Holly Willoughby said she'd watch Philip Schofield's video.

-Would she?

-Would you watch Adrian pounding away?

LAUGHTER

"Great!"

-The answer is most certainly no. No!

-With women, that is normal.

So that's normal.

If you don't know them, I don't care. If it's a mate, no.

You like a bit of random porn, don't you?

On your iPad in the dressing room. "Don't come in!"

-Put the wet wipes down!

-Oh!

I'm having a shower!

Thank you very much for giving such honest answers.

More importantly, for sharing them with the rest of the country.

APPLAUSE

Based on Christine's answers,

we can give her an early normality rating, I think.

The options are normal, odd, weird, insane, danger to society

and Holly Willoughby.

-We are going with fairly odd. OK?

-Fairly odd?

Which is more normal than last week's guest, Holly Willoughby,

who we decided was borderline insane after her human flesh,

naked parent and sex video revelations. WTF, Hols?!

That rating could change throughout the show,

especially once we've delved deeper into Christine's private life.

To see how normal you are,

check out Britain Unzipped on the BBC Three website.

APPLAUSE

FARTING SOUND

Excuse me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Still to come, we're taking our Unzipped cameras

on a double date from hell

to see how many turn-offs identified by our report

can we throw at one poor victim... I mean, girl, sorry.

We'll have some shocking revelations from celebs

like Louie Spence and Joe Swash.

-Do your Louie Spence thing.

-Louie Spence is easy.

It's just a velociraptor with a noise. Just gotta go... Kr-kr-kr...

APPLAUSE Thank you.

Sounds quite fun, doesn't it? Time to play this...

Over the course of the series, we will be using our audience

to answer the most important question of all -

who is best, girls or boys?

When we got our results back,

we discovered some very interesting differences between men and women.

-Such as, after white wine men are sane.

-Yeah.

Representing men this week,

he's 18, single and he's scared of sharks and cats,

-please make some noise for Daniel!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Girls, please respond in a less aggressive but equally vocal manner,

she is 19, she comes from Stoke, she wants to be a policewoman,

she has a mole just here on the inside of her left thigh

and she goes, "Oh, stop!" It's Annabelle.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK. Let's find out some more about tonight's contestants.

I've some blokey questions for you, Daniel. Pippa or Kate?

Kate from the front, Pippa from behind.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, he is a lad!

-Got my eye on you, young man.

-It is your turn, Annabelle.

Just cos you're a girl, it doesn't mean we have to stereotype you.

Sister, it is 2012! We'll hit you with a proper question.

What's your favourite diet?

LAUGHTER We're in spring, what d'you think?

Bold, multi-coloured stripes or spots?

-What's the signature look, babe?

-Stripes.

Babes! And do you fancy me?

What about if everyone was dead and you were drunk?

Maybe a little bit!

-Yes, get in!

-Ahead of us,

we have some questions about the differences between men and women.

You will need to write down your answer.

Whoever is closest wins the round and a prize.

Daniel, you will choose from this selection of proper man prizes...

We have boxing gloves, a fork for a barbecue,

a "man" bowl, hedge-trimmer, remote-control car,

water pistol and a tool belt.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You, AB, babes, you will be choosing from these girlie cliches...

we've got a candle, hair straighteners, a hairdryer,

two teddy bears so they can be friends, vanity case, rose wine,

blow-up pillow, dressing gown and handbag.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I want to say something to everybody who took the time

out of their sad little lives last week to take the piss

out of the shirt I was wearing on last week's show.

LAUGHTER

Some said I looked like a lollipop.

But also, Tinie Tempah liked it.

What? He is the best-dressed man in the UK.

Tinie Tempah tweeted me this...

He said...

APPLAUSE

So can I just say,

one of the best-dressed men in the world thinks that shirt was good.

A bittersweet victory because,

if he took your shirt, he'd keep it at his aunt's house!

So, all the doubters out there, up yours!

-At least you are over it this week.

-Totally over it.

Let's get started. And cue the subtle lighting change...

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo-oo!

-That was quite good.

-Here's the first question.

27% of women have got pissed

and woken up without knowing where they are.

What is the percentage for men?

Russell, maybe they've been drinking too many...

# Shots, shots, shots, shots Everybody... #

-Maybe, Greg.

-Please write your answers down.

-I hate that feeling of not knowing.

-Christine, when was the last time

-you woke up drunk and confused?

-Yesterday!

-Ever been hungover on Daybreak?

-Erm, no. No, no, no.

Ever been still drunk? Gone straight from the dance floor?

-Just a quick wet wipe and you went in.

-You know me too well.

-Daniel, what have you written?

-88%, because if you turn it that way,

it looks like two pairs of boobs.

I do not want to go through Daniel's hard drive!

-Annabelle, what have you got?

-I've got 73%.

Well, I can reveal that the correct answer is 47% of men have woken up

and not known where they are. Annabelle, you win the prize.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Annabelle, have you woken up

somewhere strange and not known where you've been?

-Maybe!

-Really?

Just on a girlie holiday.

You woke up on a holiday and you weren't expecting...?

No, we were on a girlie holiday. Then...

You woke up in a boy's place and didn't know where you were.

Naughty girl!

-What about you, Greg?

-Funny you should mention it.

-You know you called me the other day?

-I do, Annabelle.

Flashback. Oooh!

PHONE RINGS

Russ, hi.

Um...

I've no idea where I am.

Um, give me an hour and I'll come and find you.

I love you, too. OK.

HE FARTS

"Morning, Tiger, gone to work, let yourself out.

"Love, Annabelle."

MOUTHS: Annabelle?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was Greg in Annabelle's actual bedroom. Gutted!

I can't believe you lured one of Radio 1's brightest

young talents back to your place and you've got a boyfriend!

It will be our little secret.

Don't worry, I did not do any snooping.

-I completely stayed away from your wardrobe.

-Not!

Yeah, not! I did loads of snooping.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

PHONE RINGS

Russ, hi. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm coming, I'm coming. It's just I don't know where I am.

Just having a look round.

It's a tip in here, it's awful. Just a quickie.

You weren't here as well, were you, last night?

Oh, thank God, it wasn't one of those. All right, see you soon.

Love you, bye-bye.

CHEERING

I'm sorry. I loved your flat, really.

I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.

-You OK?

-Yeah.

Very comfy bed, though.

-It is, yeah.

-Very comfy, to be fair.

-Yeah, I loved it.

-What?

Right, our next question involves honesty in relationships

and there's still everything to play for. Next one.

What percentage of men would not tell their partner how many people

they'd slept with? What do you reckon?

Whilst they're writing down their answers, you're welcome to

start an argument at home, by turning to the person next to you

and saying, "How many people have you banged?"

Not if it's your nan! She might answer and you will puke!

Let's see what everyone's got. Time is up.

Stop bickering at home. Daniel?

I've gone for a risky 99%.

99% of men would lie. Annabelle?

-I wonder if she just wrote "Chlamydia".

-25%.

I can reveal that the correct answer is 32% of men would lie

about their sexual history, which means Annabelle wins!

CHEERING

Why might this be? Christine? I'll try and keep it subtle.

-All right.

-How many have you banged?

That question should never be had between a couple,

it cannot happen.

I'm going out with a footballer, I don't want to know numbers!

Just chiselled out Roman numerals on a tablet!

LAUGHTER

Back to the game. Things couldn't be closer.

Our next question is this...

-What do you reckon? What percentage?

-Friends rather than their family.

-Family first.

-Yeah.

It's difficult for me because my family don't like me

and I haven't got many friends.

If only pets were in there!

Time is up.

Daniel?

-78.

-78% would rather be with their friends than their family.

Yeah, sorry.

-Annabelle?

-49.

The percentage of men who would rather hang out with their mates

than their family - included in that list is a newborn child

or a sick and elderly relative - the answer is 40%.

Over ten million British men.

I'm going to castrate myself off the back of that.

Annabelle, you have won that and a prize. Well done.

CHEERING

All joking aside,

Friends really are important.

I can't believe millions of men would choose their mates' company

-over their own flesh and blood.

-You can't argue with the report.

I don't blame their friends.

I think there's something more sinister and evil at large

in society, which is dragging decent men away from their family duties.

Stay here. I'm going to check it out!

Do some knob jokes or something!

It could be wet out, I'll put my jacket on.

Cheers.

Evening.

Are you luring ordinary men away from their homes for booze?

-I don't know.

-Back to you, Greg.

Wonderful.

That is time none of us will get back. Thank you, Russell.

Here is the next question.

We surveyed over 6,000 people and asked...

Hold on. Take that. Shots.

Yeah!

Argh! I might be gay.

What?!

We surveyed over 6,000 people and asked women, have you ever signed up

to a dating website whilst they were in a relationship?

What percentage of women have done?

Why would you join a dating website if you are in a relationship already?

-That's pure attention.

-Would you?

-No, never.

Never in a relationship!

Daniel?

-Gone for 12.

-12%. Annabelle?

Seven.

I can reveal that the percentage of women who have done this is 8%.

Annabelle, quite clearly, wins the prize. Well done.

-Daniel, you are single at the moment?

-I am.

Would you ever consider online dating

-like 18% of 18-25-year-olds have done?

-Not to sound funny,

but that is a bit creepy.

We thought we would help you out with some on-air dating.

We will help you get a girlfriend by in no way ripping off a popular

Saturday night TV format. This is Take Daniel Out.

CHEERING

Let Danny see the fanny.

It's more subtle than that.

-Let the sausage see the batter.

-Better?

-Way better.

-Good.

Could all the gobby girls stand up?

We will reveal some facts about Daniel.

If you do not like what you hear, we want you to sit down.

-In other words, no fittee, then sittee!

-That works.

Fact one, Daniel is a print-room supervisor.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

-What does that mean?

-I push "print" on my printer.

-Oh, my God. So boring.

-Oh!

-So boring.

-Thanks.

Any girls want to sit down after that?

Oh, no!

Fact two. He still lives with his mum...

-RUSSELL SNORTS

-Don't. Wait!

..but she has sent us this message.

Ooh, a message.

If I could describe Daniel, apart from being my baby

and my special boy, he is incredibly kind, he is generous, he is loving.

He is very affectionate and he is always willing to give you a cuddle.

Dan is off to university and I'm so proud of him.

I'm going to miss him terribly,

especially his I'm Sexy And I Know It dance,

which needs to be seen to be believed.

I don't think he'd have any problems with the ladies -

my son happens to be quite well-endowed. He is a big boy.

Urgh!

LAUGHER AND APPLAUSE

Your mum has seen you erect!

-Even I feel sick!

-Wow!

Oh, my God.

I nearly passed out when I heard that.

-You all right?

-Can I go home?

-No. No, you may not.

-Unbelievable.

Before we see if anyone is going to sit down, what is the LMFAO dance?

-Shall we do it?

-Do it! Do it!

-Bastards!

# Girl, look at that body

# Girl, look at that body

# Girl, look at that body Girl, look at that body... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Were you helicoptering?

-A bit, yeah.

-Please tell me that wasn't to scale

or I'll kill myself.

So, based on the evidence you have just heard,

any girls want to sit down?

Girls don't like big willies! Yes!

-Why did you sit down?

-His mum has seen him. It's a bit disgusting.

You never seen your parents naked? Your mum's never walked in and said,

"You're never to old to look at your vag, darling"?

LAUGHTER

If she did, I'd probably end up blind!

Wouldn't be a great way to blind someone -

"I look at your vulva, I cannot see any more!"

Two left. I'll find out who they are.

What's your name? How old are you, where are you from?

-Becky, 19, from Bristol.

-Becky, 19, from Bristol.

-You are?

-Nicole, 19, from Kent.

-Who are you going to take out on a date?

-Can I have both?

-Don't sit down now! It's too late.

-I'll go for you.

-Aw.

-Forgotten your name. Lovely.

-Becky.

-Come on, then.

Hold hands, like this, in a line.

-Join hands.

-There we go. Isn't that lovely?

-You are both beautiful.

We can't afford to pay for you to go on holiday to a fictional island.

Instead, we are going to send you on an amazing date to the front row

of the audience for the rest of tonight's show!

CHEERING

You can't hook up just yet.

We need you back for the end of Man Versus Woman.

We'll reunite you later. Now, you have to kiss to seal the deal.

Kiss, kiss!

Boner!

He's got a boner!

-I don't have a boner right now.

-Thanks(!)

-A semi.

-I have a semi, everyone!

You can sit down and wait till Daniel returns.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can anybody else remember what is going on here?

-Is this still Britain Unzipped?

-What is going on?

I think we're OK. That was our final question.

The winner of tonight's Man Versus Woman is...

Annabelle!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which means, hang on a second, we have to get the star prize.

-Look at that.

-What is it? Looks like a speedboat for my cat!

You can have that. It's a foot spa.

Thank you!

Daniel and Annabelle, thank you both for taking part.

Enjoy your prizes. Thank you.

We'll be giving away more prizes later

when Christine uses her celebrity knowledge

to win something for everyone here tonight.

And we've got all this coming up too...

Christine unzipped.

More revelations from farting, non-showering,

yet beautiful Miss Bleakley, coming right up.

I can't get enough of that!

Dating unzipped. We discover Britain's biggest turn-offs

with the help of an excruciating blind date,

a rat and a house rigged with hidden cameras.

I could almost see your rat!

Celebs unzipped - it's confession time. Stay tuned

to find out if Tulisa, Louie and Joe

have got anything to admit about porn, medical complaints

and private parts.

I'd say 100% yes!

Ahh, look at our lovebirds!

No snogging, please. I saw you try to lick her face.

You can take part in Britain Unzipped by going online.

Check out bbc.co.uk/bbcthree to get your own personalised report

and find out how normal you are.

You'll find a few questions in there about work as well,

because whilst our bosses may believe

we're all happily doing our jobs,

we're often thinking something very different

as this pre-recorded segment so aptly demonstrates.

Ahh, the workplace. Isn't it lovely? Yeah? Well, it makes us violent.

In fact, even if it is a good job, 30% would like to punch our boss

and smash up the office.

I reckon it's a British thing.

The more us Brits achieve,

the more likely we are to have dark and weird thoughts.

We love to see the negative, in amongst the positive.

Look, it really is the finest office in the whole of Kensington!

Really? What a shame I just punched a hole in the screen.

It turns out that gingers, or "rusty wrong 'uns", as I like to call them,

are the most likely to get violent in the workplace.

And Scottish people are the most likely to be unhappy in their jobs.

Given that everyone in Scotland is both ginger and angry,

how the heck do they get anything done?

Andrew, I've got a wee jobbie for you.

I'll take you out.

I will stamp on your face and caber your spleen.

-We love...

-Wanker!

-Whatever! We love banging at work, especially men.

In fact, men are 35% more likely

to sleep with someone influential at work

if I meant getting a promotion. And that is a fact.

-I really need this job, Barry.

-Sorry, Darren, you're not qualified.

Can I suck you off?

We love fibbing as well,

with vegetarians twice as likely to lie on their CV.

That's if they can lift their pen, to scrawl their lies.

Help me! My Quorn arm isn't strong enough to write down eight A-levels.

'The Scotch egg has to be the worst snack for a vegetarian.

'Philosophically, it's the most evil food,

'cos it's got death on the outside and the potential for life within.'

'We love wanking at work.

'One-fifth of all people in the South West

'have knocked one out in the office.'

The figures are in!

Let's go through them while you look at pictures of my cousins,

-then eat a Ginsters.

-I'll be in the toilet.

Thank you, Russell!

So, according to our report,

the workplace is a seething arena

of repressed violence and sexual tension.

I imagine much like working On Dancing On Ice.

Yeah, just with sequins on top!

Our report says that 31% of us have slept with a colleague,

but only 17% of us have used a dating website.

This must be because shagging someone at work

is a lot easier than trying to find "the one".

Dating comes with the constant risk of total humiliation, of course.

Who's Lara?

(WEST COUNTRY ACCENT) If I do that accent,

it might help you remember your story?

-Yeah.

-Tell us what happened.

-Well, I was seeing this guy and...

-Sort of seeing him? You were stalking him?

-No.

-And then the first time we had a sexy time...

-Sexy time.

..he decided to attempt some sort of insulting dirty talk.

-What's wrong with that?

-Usually, not too much.

But when it's just shouting "dirty slag" at the person,

it's not great.

-Especially in his Bristolian accent.

-Go on.

It comes out like "dirty s-l-a-a-g".

-So, was he going, "You dirty slaaag?"

-Yeah, pretty much.

I just burst into laughter

and I couldn't get the thought of farmer porn out of my head.

Christine, can you top that as a dating disaster?

-I knew you were going to say that.

-Can you?

The problem is - and girls, in retrospect, maybe you'll agree -

you have to choose so carefully beforehand

to prevent those situations.

Sometimes you think, "I will go along with it."

Then you know it is not going to go anywhere. That's our problem.

We are nice. Girls are nice. They give boys like you a chance, Greg.

-OK.

-And then possibly it ends up like that.

-How did you and Frank meet?

-We met at an awards ceremony

his chat-up line was...

-"Dirty s-l-a-a-g!"

-"Dirty s-l-a-a-g!"

It wasn't, thankfully! "You're that bird off The One Show?"

# Doo-do-doodle-doodle-doo! # I would have done that!

Would you? There you go. So that was it.

The rest is history. So romantic.

65% of women reckon that love at first sight does exist.

I do agree with that.

Not to say it might last, but it certainly is there to begin with.

-Is that an exclusive?

-No.

That was quite a sweet bit. It is up to Russell to lower the tone.

That sounds like a good reason to keep dating,

cos you never know when that special person might be out there.

Although that probably wasn't the case for the poor bloke

that went on a date with Nadia.

Nadia, for some reason, you are about to tell us what happened.

God. It wasn't even a date. It was my ex-boyfriend.

-You can go on a date with your boyfriend.

-We weren't dating...

-He was a shag buddy?

-No, he was my boyfriend at the time!

-We were just getting to "sexy time".

-What happened?

Cos he was like one of my first boyfriends,

I wasn't sure what was happening down there.

What do you mean? He stuck it in your belly button?!

-No, it was in the right place!

-Oh, it was in your bum?!

-What?!

-No, it wasn't!

Something was going on. I couldn't - I didn't know at the time.

I was so much younger. I wasn't sure what the feeling was.

I went with it. And I urinated instead of orgasmed.

I thought I was incontinent and I wasn't.

You weed on him?

The lucky bastard!

I don't think he felt like that. He's got, like, OCD.

-You thought this must be an orgasm?

-I just thought this must be it.

No, it's not. Yeah, it was all going on down there.

They are different. Why don't you come see the Doctor later?

The question is, why do so many dates end in disaster?

Is it that difficult for two people to meet and just have a nice time?

-Vanessa, hi.

-Hi.

-Can I just squeeze in here, please?

Now, you run... Ooh, this is cosy! You run a blog. What's it called?

-Nightmares and Boners.

-Nightmares and Boners.

So, according to our report,

34% of men under 35 have used online dating just for sex.

-Is that your experience?

-Definitely.

My profile doesn't really have anything about sex on it at all.

-I get messages saying things like, "You look like a dirty slut."

-What?

-"Can I tie you up tonight?"

-I'd just go for a laugh.

LAUGHTER

-They're probably like a murderer or a rapist!

-That would be terrible.

Yeah. LAUGHTER

Keep it light.

Whatever we learn tonight, there is always the chance

that something will happen on a date that you just can't predict.

14% of us have experienced

a sex injury.

For those of you watching the show last week,

you'll be excited to know Adam's back, ladies and gentlemen!

Here he is. CHEERING

Now, last week you told us a terrifying story

involving vomit and oral sex, um...

It's what the iPlayer's for if you haven't seen it! Do look it up

or google "vomit knob Adam". LAUGHTER

Apparently, you've got a good sex injury story. What happened, man?

-Yeah, I got introduced to this lad by a mutual friend.

-Mmm.

We were, like, talking upstairs. Went down to the bedroom.

-Started passionate cuddling.

-Passionately cuddling.

I'll have to remember that one. "Can I have a magic cuddle, please?"

-I ended up tearing the banjo on his dick.

-Hang on, hang on, hang on.

He bled and bled and bled and bled

and two female paramedics turned up and gave us some bandages.

On another first date, you threw up into a man's genitals

-and then you broke another one's willy.

-Yeah.

Do you think you might be a bit rubbish at being gay?

-Er...

-LAUGHTER

Last week he was the knob sicker and, this week, the banjo snapper.

-Two nicknames, what's better?

-Next week, he'll set his balls on fire.

Will we watch? LAUGHTER

If that doesn't put you off dating for life

or LIFE for life, nothing will.

Christine, I'm sorry you had to hear that.

Thank you for your confessions tonight.

To make up for your sadness and the terrifying dating experiences,

please give yourselves a sympathetic round of applause.

APPLAUSE

How normal are you? Are you quirky? Boring? Or gaga?

Check out Britain Unzipped on the BBC Three website.

By answering our questions,

find out how your social life, work life

and sex life compare to the rest of Britain.

We'll provide you with a personalised report.

It's up to you whether you share it with your friends

or keep it as our little secret.

Go to...

It is now time for a date with a difference.

We have all got things that put us off

when meeting someone for the first time.

-I hate it when the girl doesn't turn up!

-That is a wounder.

Thanks to the Britain Unzipped Report,

we can reveal the list of biggest turn-offs.

They include poor hygiene, evidence of drugs and pornography

and anyone still living with their parents. Great list.

If you're sitting there unscrubbed with a reefer in your mouth,

knocking one out while your mum says, "I love you, son",

and you say, "Get out my room!" you're probably not much of a catch.

We wanted to see what would happen if everything on that list

and a few surprises cropped up at the same time on a blind date.

Who could we persuade to go through with such an horrific thing?

I have no idea. Oh, actually I do. Please welcome Zoe and Angela.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Zoe is here tonight

because she was stitched up by her best mate, Angela.

Zoe, is Angela still your best mate?

I'll reassess the situation tomorrow!

Why did you volunteer Zoe to be our victim?

Because she is so much fun and she is so nice.

I just wondered how far we could push her

before she snapped and turned into a crazy woman.

Is she that type that's so polite she puts up with anything on a date?

-Yes, very much so.

-Or desperate.

-That's it!

-Fortunately, Zoe did not let us down.

Our hidden cameras were there to film everything

and see how much she would put up with.

Welcome to the filthiest house in Worcester.

As 59% of women would do a runner if a date's house was a filth-pit,

the perfect place for our blind date with a difference.

It's home to Spencer, an actor, who's going to take arrogance

to a whole new level when he meets Zoe for the very first time.

Apart from Spencer's attitude problem,

we've got a few surprises lined up for Zoe,

identified by our report as dating disasters

and all captured by cameras hidden in these household objects.

DOORBELL RINGS

Remember, Zoe's best mate Angela has set her up for this.

So she's come along to do the introductions.

Anyway, back to the date and Spencer's out to impress.

-What can I get you?

-A wine, please, if that's all right?

-Yeah.

He's wasting no time and neither are we. Let's get rid of Angela.

We've got her boyfriend to ring with an excuse

to get her out of the house for a while.

Off she goes, leaving Zoe all alone,

but she'll be fine with Spencer

and his small-talk/casual chauvinism.

-So what do you do?

-I work in IT.

-Do you? I thought that was a man's job.

-It is.

SHE LAUGHS

-Sounds boring.

-It's all right.

Oh, God, sorry, I reek! SHE LAUGHS

I haven't had a chance to have a shower since I went to the gym.

He's a spray cleaner. Classic Spencer!

I'll get some snacks.

-I'm sure you're a girl who doesn't refuse food.

-No, I, you know...

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Is that your door?

Can you grab that?

Can anyone smell drugs?

-Who is it?

-Carlos.

-Carlos?

-Oh, shit, sorry.

Aha! Thought so. while some men say it with flowers,

Spencer wants to say it with Class As on this date!

How romantic(!)

-Here's your shit.

-Man, that is amazing.

Even though Zoe is totally unaware of what is going on here,

74% of women would bolt at clear signs of drug use.

-Zoe?

-Yeah.

-Is there any money in the drawers there?

-Yes.

-How much?

-On top of your porn mags?

So the drugs don't work in putting her nose out of JOINT

and neither do Spencer's jazz mags.

More than half of women would be out of the door at this point.

Don't worry about that. Cheers.

-Cheers, mate.

-Thank you. Have a good night.

-Sorry about that. Don't know what they were.

-Hello!

-See this? That's my dad's.

-She's a bit old, isn't she?

That's mine. That's my dad's.

23% of women would be put off if someone lived with their parents,

even if they didn't share porn with their dad. Gross!

What must Zoe be thinking? I know what Spencer's thinking -

that Carlos guy has ripped him off...

Oh, Carlos, shit!

..which could be a good reason for getting him out the house.

That leaves Zoe alone so Angela can get us an update

from her hiding place opposite the house.

-Hello.

-Sorry, I'm taking longer than expected.

-OK.

-You all right?

-Mmm.

-Yeah?

-You like him?

-No.

-No?

THEY LAUGH

Geez!

Anyway, he's back, all guns blazing.

You all right?

This time, will he push things too far?

-I've a surprise for you.

-Really?

Ah! He's going to try wooing her with his cute pet.

While 19% of women find a partner with too many pets a turn-off,

Spencer should be fine, he only has one - a rat!

Time to meet Mr Tiddles!

-He doesn't bite, does he?

-No, he don't bite.

It's time for me to get my rat out! Squeak!

Whoo! We lost him. I could almost see your rat!

GROANING FROM AUDIENCE

I've got big pants on. I'll be all right.

Not big enough.

Dirty porn and a filthy rat haven't shaken her.

Make yourself at home.

HE GROANS WITH EFFORT

I'm going upstairs for you. SHE LAUGHS

Wait a minute, she's finally given a look.

It is time to go in for a kill, a slapstick on the stairs might help.

HE FALLS DOWNSTAIRS

-It's all right.

-You all right?

-I knew they were there!

Smooth(!)

We should have a kiss now.

Like, I'm only going to be wondering what it is going to be like later.

He is going for it.

Will Zoe be interested in getting jiggy on the first date

like 57% of women?

You are fit, apart from your cheap tattoos. You are fit.

Leave my tatts alone.

-You weren't drunk when you got them done?

-No.

-Sorry for being forward.

That's all right.

-It is just...

-It's just?

You are so fit! So fit!

Tattoos are shit, but you are bang tidy!

I think it is time to put the poor girl out of her misery.

Not kill her.

Let's bring back Angela and the Britain Unzipped camera crew...

Here they are, the nerds.

..to explain that this horrible mess of a date was not real at all.

Thank God for that.

Where do we begin?

That makes me look really desperate, like I'd put up with anything!

-Why didn't you run out?

-Politeness.

-Would you have snogged him?

-The majority of women would snog a guy to get rid of him.

-No way.

What was the thing that would go, "I'm going now."

-I was just trying to be polite.

-I was outside, just waiting.

The porn in the drawer, what did you think?

That didn't bother me. It was more, "Shall we have a snog?"

I was cringing, thinking, "Oh, God, help," you know.

Has it put you off dating forever?

Yeah, I'm quite happy being a singleton, to be honest.

Angela, thank you very much for setting Zoe up.

But more importantly, thank you, Zoe,

for being just too nice, way too nice.

-An amazing date. Thank you.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In the North East,

21% of people have seriously injured themselves getting jiggy.

A third of people in the Midlands lie about their sex life.

So half of Birmingham could have done something

painful in the bedroom and we just wouldn't know!

Shame that East Anglian men didn't think about lying.

We can reveal that they are the least well-endowed in Britain.

Tonight, we've learned what the great British public think,

but now it is time to clamber on to the red carpet to find out

what goes on in the heads of celebrities.

And who better to get us into the VIP section than Christine Bleakley!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Christine, it's time to find out

exactly what you know about your fellow celebs.

This is our Celebs Unzipped Board. There it is.

As you can see, there are some beautiful celebrity faces

bearing down on you from that board. Pick one of the squares,

answer a question about that celebrity

-and all the questions are related to the stats we uncovered.

-OK.

Now, if you get enough questions right,

you'll win something for everyone in this audience.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No pressure!

But fail and you will be smeared with the sticky globules of shame.

SHE LAUGHS

Last week's prize was the drink that according to our report

was Britain's favourite alcoholic beverage - beer!

-Beer!

-Yes! Smashed off!

The bad news is that last week's audience were alcoholics

so we haven't got any beer left.

No. But the good news is...

# Shot, shot, shot! Everybody! #

Not really, we can't.

We are not - we are giving away

-Britain's second-favourite alcoholic drink, which is wine.

-Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Don't panic, we will administer it in the form of...

-# Shots, shots, shots. Everybody! #

-So...

I can't get enough of that.

One shots!

Shots on target! Frank!

-LAUGHTER

-OK.

-So the pressure is very much on.

-I am feeling it.

Can we have some tense and overly dramatic music, please?

That will do. Christine, pick your first celebrity, please.

-I have to go Frank Lampard.

-Frank Lampard.

Your fiance, Frank Lampard is under 35 and comes from the South East.

But what percentage of other under 35-year-olds from the South East

said they would give their partner a boob job if they could?

Was it 52% or 27%?

52? 52. 52.

AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT

-52.

-52.

Why do you think it so high?

Because I have watched The Only Way Is Essex!

LAUGHTER

Shut up!

-That's a good answer.

-Let's have a look.

Yes!

-Frank's never asked you to modify any part of your body, has he?

-No.

Maybe behind closed doors to his mates but not to my face.

-It would be great if women had a tail.

-What?!

-Sorry.

That is just you!

That is just you.

-Christine, pick another.

-Lovely Joe.

8% of people have a nickname for their private parts.

But do you think Joe Swash does?

I would say 100% yes! Yes.

Yes, yes, yes. Definitely, definitely.

Let's have a look.

I have got a name for my little willy

and it is Alfie.

I don't know why it's called Alfie.

Someone called him it years ago. It's just stuck.

Someone?

Someone and years ago. How dark is that story?

That's just stuck. Alfie. OK.

You don't have a nickname for your...

The captain is ready for service!

-No.

-OK. Maybe choose another one.

-Louie.

-Krrr! LAUGHTER

We asked Krrr what he was most scared of.

What did Louie Spence say he was most scared of?

A famous male celebrity or an embarrassing medical complaint?

Oh, goodness.

I'm thinking celebrity.

-Medical!

-Do you?

Medical?

-Who thinks celebrity?

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

Celebrity.

Let's have a look.

What am I most scared of?

My haemorrhoids coming back.

You can always rely on him.

Shots, shots, shots, shots. Wow.

You have to get some more right.

-Pick another one.

-Tulisa.

-OK, Tulisa.

Take a look at this video. Don't panic! Not that one!

Have a look at this.

# Forgive us for what we have done

# Cos we are, we are, we are

# I said forgive us for what we have done

# Cos we are, we are, we are young. #

That was from her new video Suck Me Off!

In the words of Tulisa,

"We are young, forgive us for what we have done."

We asked British men how often they watch porn on a computer.

Did 3% or 9% say they watched it several times a day?

-AUDIENCE SHOUTS

-9.

-Several times a day.

-9%.

I thought it would have been more. 9%.

Let's find out.

Yes!

Is that it?

Christine, if you get one more right, you get the prize.

I will go for you, Russ.

You've picked me.

I cannot ask about myself because of BBC regulations.

I must pass to Greg.

LAUGHTER

That's those gay rumours extinguished.

We asked Russell this question:

Tell us about your first proper kiss.

Oh, no.

But how did he answer.

Did he say, "Oh, my God, it was like swallowing glitter and rainbows"?

Or did he say, "It was like licking my aunt's face"?

-That's me, is it?

-What was it?

That glittery, rainbow thing that you said.

HE MIMICS RUSSELL

-I'm not that camp!

-Oh, babes, oh.

LAUGHTER

You bastard!

You know I've got low self-esteem.

Well, it was a long time.

I nearly had my first kiss with my first-ever girlfriend

when I was 13, but I got dumped because I had my braces in

-and I didn't have the courage to kiss her.

-Ohh!

It went on until I was 17.

We were at a party

and I finally got the courage, after some shots, to kiss this girl.

It had been four years of famine.

I had been milking myself into a skeleton.

After the famine, I kissed this girl, right,

and I was so happy that I cried in the car on the way home.

That's a true story.

It was like glitter and rainbows, it was amazing.

You've won, yes!

-Come over here.

-Thank you very much.

-Congratulations, Christine.

Thanks to you, everyone in here tonight wins the wine!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's all we have time for on Britain Unzipped.

A massive thank you to Christine Bleakley.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you to Daniel and his new girlfriend, also Annabelle

and Zoe for being such a good sport.

We will be back next week with more strange findings.

You can go online at any time to complete your own

Britain Unzipped Report.

Go to bbc.co.uk/bbcthree

Go to Britain Unzipped and see how normal you are.

-Thank you for watching.

-Goodbye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd