Episode 3 Unzipped

We asked 500 extremely unusual questions to thousands of British people.

Have you ever faked an orgasm?

Oh, God!

The answers to those questions make up the Britain Unzipped report.

Previously we've explored dating...

Boner! He's got a boner!

Examined this country's love of booze...

YEAH!

Did this in the name of fashion...

And questioned the normality of Holly Willoughby...

When you say it, it sounds dirty and sordid.

..and Christine Bleakley.

I'm going out with a footballer, I don't want to know numbers!

Tonight we'll be looking at partying

with the help of Emily Atack.

-You didn't get your twinkle out?

-Oh, don't call it your twinkle!

Adam Deacon.

I took all my boys to McDonalds.

Party time.

And these 12 hens to reveal the bare-naked truth about why we all love going out.

SHRIEKS AND GROANS

This is Britain Unzipped.

Cover me in Sambuca and light it!

Hello and welcome to Britain Unzipped. This is Russell Kane!

And that is Greg James.

This is the show where we sneak inside your head

and ask a very important question.

Are you normal?

Cos when we pried into the personal details of your lives,

thousands of you were way too honest and that allowed us

to create a totally unique report about British behaviour.

And bizarrely it also means that me

and Greg are the official judges of normality in the United Kingdom.

And as everyone is being so brutally honest, stand by for some

headline-grabbing confessions from tonight's special guests -

Emily Atack and Adam Deacon!

CHEERING

Hello.

This is special.

Right, this is really special cos it's the first time we've had

an Inbetweener and a BAFTA winner on the show, ever. Ever.

And we've made two shows so that's quite astounding.

-What he's saying is it ISN'T shocking.

-Exactly!

And to give you a taste of what's in store tonight we'll be asking questions like -

"What have women in Britain chosen as their favourite part of the male body?"

Emily, what's your favourite part of Adam's body?

Oh, Adam's...let's have a little look.

-She just went, the bit in between your scrotum and your bum.

-No!

-This is going to cost me, innit?

-Look at those lovely eyes!

-He has got good eyes, hasn't he?

-Puppy dog eyes.

-Thank you, Em.

-That's all right, babe.

Plus, we'll be finding out what this country gets up to when it let's its hair down.

Basically we're talking partying.

TRANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Although it's a shame it's been gate-crashed by this unruly mob

of loudmouth attention-seekers.

Yeah, this is the Unzipped sample, welcome.

CHEERING

We'll be asking you questions like, "Who's ever passed out at a party?" Anyone done that?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

-All of them, slappers!

-LAUGHTER

-And all this is heading your way too.

-What?!

Men And Women Unzipped.

It's the part of the show where we make boys do this...

CHEERING

And show girls things like this...

GROANING

But who will win tonight's extra cheeky Battle Of The Sexes?

That's a really good bum, I'm not going to lie!

Hens Unzipped.

We hook up with a hen party in Liverpool

and ask the bride-to-be some typically sensitive questions.

What's James' favourite sexual position?

Emily and Adam Unzipped.

We've given you Holly and Christine

and now we've raided the red carpet to bring you the stars of brand new movie Outside Bet.

Smile please!

It's Emily Atack from The Inbetweeners

and BAFTA Winner Adam Deacon.

Well, thank you both for joining us today.

So we're going to be asking you some personal questions cos this is Britain Unzipped.

How well do you know each other?

-Cos we'll be asking you questions about each other and stuff like that.

-I think I know Em.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Reading the code.

We do you want you to answer them as well, Adam

but we're looking for the weirdest female so you'll be a sort of auditor to help us.

I think I can tell you, Emily's nuts.

I'll be honest, I think she's nutty.

-What do you mean? What you basing that on?

-I think she's just a bit mad.

What, you go into a room and there's faeces on the wall and she's going, "I killed them all!"?

LAUGHTER

I'm just saying now, I'm just saying,

I think she's going to come out more mad than normal. It's all I'm saying.

So, between us, who's the weirdest Inbetweener?

Joe Thomas?

-Why?

-Erm, he's just...I don't want to say weird, he's just so sweet

and he's just like...

When he's conversing with you,

he'll pull this really strange face, like, you kind of go,

"Oh! What's wrong?" And he's like, "Nothing's wrong." That's just kind of how he looks... sorry, Joe!

What about Bird, is he the total opposite, not a nerd in real life?

He just pulls up with bitches in a limo -

"I need to get into character as a nerd!"

Yeah, so, so far this series we've had Christine Bleakley and Holly Willoughby

and they've been very forthcoming in their answers to our questions.

What we're trying to say is we're expecting big things from you today, we really are.

-Do you both promise to be honest?

-Yeah. Oh, God!

-Always keep it real man.

-Oh, God! Yeah, yeah.

OK, in that case, Emily and Adam, these are your normality questions.

-First one. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

-Yes...

-No.

Yeah?

-Yeah!

-Where?

Zante! Where else?!

CHEERING

It was in Zante, I was about...I can't believe I'm saying this,

I think I was 17 or 18.

I'll say 18 cos it just sounds a bit more appropriate.

I feel less guilty visualising it.

Erm...well, when I say skinny dipping,

-I had my pants on, just...

-Well, that's just swimming.

No, no! But, you know...

Oh, top...oh.

-What, you didn't get you twinkle out?

-Oh, don't call it a twinkle!

Don't call it a twinkle.

-Skinny dipping, erm...

-Have you ever taken Loch Ness into the lock?

LAUGHTER

Do you know what? A long time ago, a long time ago in Napa with

a female friend, innit, we had a little fun, on the beach.

Female, what? Fe.. Your mum?

OH!

Not my mum, I can guarantee it wasn't my mum.

Well, I can reveal, Emily, that it is not normal.

-Only 20% of women have skinny dipped. Sorry about that.

-Shit.

Dodgy, Emily, man.

-God!

-Told you.

-There was no twinkle, no twinkle...

-True. It was a half skinny-dip.

It was a semi-skimmed.

Next one, have you ever woken up and not known where you are?

-Yeah!

-What happened? LAUGHTER

-Elaborate?

-No, er...I've always realised a few minutes later,

you kind of go... "Oh! Oh, God!" Look around,

-right, and then I've realised whose bath it is or, you know...

-Bath?

-Yeah.

-Not with water in it?

-I've woken up in a few. Not a full bath.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Just floating like that.

-LAUGHTER

How many baths have you woken up in?

-Woken up in a bath?!

-I've woken up in a good few,

even when there's been a double bed just already made.

-Sometimes, the bath is the best place in the house party.

-Yeah!

-If you can't find anywhere.

-Cos you can make a bed.

-Perfect!

OK, well, I can reveal again that is not normal.

Only 27% of women have woken up and genuinely not known where they are.

Not normal, then. Sorry.

-Next one - have you ever been sick in the street?

-Oh...

-LAUGHTER

-I can't say nothing.

I've got, um, what you call, um, small man drink syndrome.

-What's that?!

-Seriously, I'm quite small

and I'm not the biggest man in the world, so...it's taken me a while

to be able to, um, learn about moderation

and, kind of...learn my body, innit, basically. In other words,

yeah, I get drunk quick, man. I can't take it.

-LAUGHTER

-What about you, Emily?

Have you puked up in the street?

Um, I don't think I've puked up in the street. Um...I...

I puked in my mum's handbag once.

-WOMAN: Eugh!

-Um, yeah. There was free champagne. I was really young.

Me and my sister got it and started drinking. I made a fool of myself.

Well, that is normal. Only 36% of women say

-they've been sick in the street. So well done.

-Good.

Next one - have you ever faked an orgasm?

-Oh!

-Greg! God, think of a...

-Have you faked an orgasm?

-Yes, I have.

Southend United, Southend United... Carry on!

LAUGHTER

-Oh, God. What is...? What are you doing?

-I'm just asking!

-Have you?

-Yes, definitely. Yeah, sorry.

-Why?

-Hasn't everybody?

-That's a polite girl, though. That's a polite girl.

Some girls - "No, you're not satisfying me!"

LAUGHTER

So I like the fact... But seriously...

-APPLAUSE

-..that is a nice girl.

-Cheers for that.

-I couldn't...

I couldn't do that and be like, "This isn't working for me."

-It helps your ego.

-Like chucking your dinner

in a plant when the cook's out of the room.

"Oh, it's lovely, yeah. I ate all of it."

It's not even like, not because I'm not enjoying it.

-It's like if you're just feeling a bit lazy or...

-Lazy?!

Like, "Oh, come on!" Oh, my God, this is so bad!

-It's only cos blokes are now going, "Oh, no!"

-Yeah!

-Oh, no!

"It's all been a lie! LAUGHTER

-What about you, Adam?

-Oh, God!

-I've never faked an orgasm.

-Oh, ssh!

-I'll be honest. Cos I'm a boy and I'll come!

LAUGHTER

You know, I'm honest...

Come on! It'd be hard to fake it as a boy, like...

I've got to say, we're giving Emily a hard time.

It is normal, two thirds of all women, guys,

two thirds of all women you've slept with have faked an orgasm.

That means, for me, two of the three women I've banged...

-LAUGHTER

-Quite depressing.

Actually, I didn't bang the third one. She ran away crying.

-LAUGHTER

-21% of men have faked an orgasm.

-How do you do that?

-Yeah!

-That's a good question!

I'm going to go and find out, mofo!

-LAUGHTER

-Right, where's my mic of power?

OK, so Adam asks a very relevant question -

how does a guy fake an orgasm without props?

You'd need some yoghurt on stand by or something, wouldn't you?

So, er, obviously, girls, would you ever fake an orgasm, do you think?

-Probably, yeah.

-Yeah.

-What, both of you?

-At the same time(!)

-I want to sit in the middle for this.

-All right, so what's your name, sorry?

-Lauren.

-Lauren and?

-Sam.

I didn't fake that one, give me a second!

-Right, OK, so let's hear it, girls.

-Oh, God!

Into this microphone, double orgasm, let's hear it. Three, two, one, go.

-Are we faking it, sorry?

-LAUGHTER

Look... That's a good point. We'll be back in about ten minutes.

LAUGHTER

Papa just going to lay some honey on this toast.

-I think we should fake it rather than bring it to actual...

-OK.

Let's hear it. I don't think I believe this.

We might have to hear yours in a minute, Emily.

-Oh, God!

-That was it there.

-LAUGHTER

-How British is that?!

"Oh, dear! I appear to have come, darling."

-Go on, let's hear it.

-Oh, God!

-Three, two, one, go.

-Better be good!

-BOTH MOAN Oh, Greg.

-Greg! Greg!

-Both for Greg?!

-Yes!

-I wouldn't have...

Especially if I was banging you and you said, "Oh, Greg!"

-LAUGHTER

-What about any of the guys?

-You guys are up for it as well. What's your name?

-Ryan.

-Ryan.

-I bet you love maths, don't you?

-No.

LAUGHTER

"It divides by one in itself - it's a prime number!

"A prime, prime number! Oh, maths!"

LAUGHTER

-You reckon you can fake an orgasm?

-Yeah.

-Have you ever done it?

-Yeah.

You have?! So I think... I think like Adam's just...

We're curious about the mechanics of it, cos obviously,

there is, you know, the stalactite of evidence afterwards and, er...

-How did you get round that side of things?

-Um...

Just get the condom off and quickly get it away!

"Oh, that was so amazing, I didn't want to scare you with..."

LAUGHTER

"There, go sleepy-byes! Go in the toilet!"

-Did you not feel bad lying to a girl like that?

-I did feel a bit bad.

Do you think it made her feel more emotionally complete?

-Well, I made her finish first.

-Did you?

-And then...

-"Made her finish"?

I tell you what, who'd want to live in France when you have British men?

"I'll make her finish, then I'll pretend to spunk!"

-LAUGHTER

-Go on, then! Let's hear it.

HE GRUNTS

LAUGHTER

And she believed that, yeah? She believed it?

-I believed it.

-LAUGHTER

-Please tell me you've done it? What's your name first?

-I'm Baffo.

-Baffo?

-Yeah, Baffo!

-Even sounds like an orgasm adjective!

"You know, I just Baffo'd all over her!

-So go on, what happened?

-It happens a lot.

-I just have to kind of get it over and done with.

-Really?

Why, because you can't get there or the lady's had enough punishment?

-LAUGHTER

-That's usually how it goes down!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-"I shouldn't have taken that Berocca beforehand!"

-You have to put your back into it, yeah.

-Yeah.

-It goes like this.

GRUNTING

LAUGHTER

-She's into it.

-I'll buy that.

Well, there we go. I think we've all learned a lot. Greg.

That was insane! Um, those were your normality questions.

Thank you very much, Emily and Adam. Thank you!

CHEERING

Based on the answers Emily gave,

we can now give her an early normality rating.

The options are normal, odd/Christine Bleakley,

weird, insane/Holly Willoughby, danger to society/Russell.

Shut up! Now, although Christine Bleakley,

she preferred to wash with baby wipes rather than showering,

unlike Holly, she wasn't interested in eating human flesh.

Both of them, however, had a thing for Schofield.

Weird.

-We're getting word from above.

-Are you serious?

Weirder than Willoughby.

Congratulations.

APPLAUSE

That verdict could change over the course of tonight

-We've got more to come from these two.

-Your normality rating

is only a click away.

Check out Britain Unzipped on the BBC website.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Fans of the show, I suggest you look away now.

That's because Britain Unzipped has been accused of

making a mockery of this fine channel's remit by peddling

student pranks and celebrity-based smut.

I'm sorry if Greg has led me astray in that direction.

We realise there may be an element of truth in this accusation

and we are both sorry.

This week we are hoping - this is genuine -

that we will redress the balance

and regain the respect of the BBC and you guys at home.

Britain Unzipped has secured exclusive access to Number Ten.

We will be asking the Prime Minister some serious questions

about the state of the nation based on the Britain Unzipped report.

We should be joined by Mr Cameron any minute now.

There we go. OK.

That's outside 10 Downing Street, as you can see.

Scratching his eye there.

Look at the height difference. It's humiliating, isn't it?

Eff this. Who wants to see a pissed-up hen party?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Are you there, Liverpool?

SHOUTING

That looks lovely.

A lot of oestrogen going on there.

Oh, my God.

Sam, welcome to Britain Unzipped.

Congratulations on behalf of everyone here tonight.

Thank you for letting us gatecrash your hen party.

Thank you!

THEY CHEER AND SHOUT

What do you do and where do you come from?

I'm a hairdresser and I'm from Redditch.

-BRUMMIE ACCENT:

-Redditch.

What have you guys been up to so far?

SHE LAUGHS

We've been partying in a limo down to here

so we've had a really good day.

When is the big day?

9th June.

You might want to bear this in mind. Only 24% of Midlanders

have cried at a wedding, lower than anywhere else in Britain.

Cos we ain't got a heart!

Lovely. Check this out.

SHE CACKLES

Do you like that one?

8% of Midlanders have had sex at someone else's wedding.

Really?!

Not me!

Tell us about the dreamboat you're marrying. Who is he?

His name is James. He's not long come out of the Army

so he's a squaddie!

Let's see a photo of James.

On Britain Unzipped, we're interested in people's normality.

Would you mind answering some questions based on our report

and see how you compare to other brides to be in Britain?

Yeah. Course I can.

First question. Was it love at first sight?

Yes, it was.

What would James say was the best part of your body?

My bum.

LAUGHTER

If you could have cosmetic surgery, what would you have done?

Definitely my boobs.

GIRLS SHOUT

An enlargement, I'd say.

An enlargement of the boobs.

Which celebrity do you most fancy. You can't say Greg.

Oh, he is fit, actually.

Don't try and ruin the show by being an idiot.

LAUGHTER

Erm, I like Danny off of The Voice.

Danny from The Voice.

I also like Robert Pattinson off Twilight.

-Pick one.

-Danny.

What's James' favourite sexual position.

With your sister.

LAUGHTER

-Doggie style was the answer there, I think.

-Yeah, it was.

Impressive.

-BRUMMIE ACCENT:

-You love that, don't you, James?

Don't slow down. Owww!

-Is James on his stag do?

-No, he isn't.

He's actually up Solihull, partying.

Is he? Interesting cos there's a couple of things

we haven't told you tonight.

This first thing is that James is actually here with us in the studio.

WTF!

And...he's been hanging out with a very glamorous blonde.

Please welcome James and Emily Atack.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, guys.

-James, say hello to Sam.

Hi, Sam.

Whilst we were talking to you earlier, we took James

out of the studio, ensured he couldn't hear anything

by distracting him with Emily...

SHE MOUTHS

..and making him listen to Michael Buble's latest hit album.

Sam, you know those personal questions we asked you earlier?

We're going to ask James the same questions.

Every time he gets the same answer as you,

you'll win one of these wedding gifts.

We have a toilet brush, slippers, a toaster,

love pillows, champagne flutes. So romantic.

James, here are your questions.

What did Sam say when we asked was it love at first sight?

I reckon she said no.

BUZZER

-Why?

-The first time we met, she turned me down

and went with the DJ.

LAUGHTER

That is very different to the answer we had.

-BRUMMIE ACCENT:

-It was love at first sight.

Then I sucked off the DJ.

-Oh, my God.

-No prize.

Next one. What did Sam say when we asked

what your favourite part of her body was?

-Her bum.

-That's correct.

It is her bum.

APPLAUSE

What did Sam say when we asked what bit of cosmetic surgery

she'd have done?

Don't get this one wrong.

-I think she said her boobs.

-Up or down?

CHEERING

Bigger boobs is correct. You win another prize. Congratulations.

CHEERING

You're doing all right.

What did Sam say when we asked which celebrity she most fancied?

Uh...Robert Pattinson off Twilight.

-BUZZER SOUNDS

-It was mentioned, but she changed her mind at the last minute.

-Oh, did she?

-Yep.

-I buy her a calendar every year. I have to.

Oh, it's so degrading for you.

"Here it is, love. Here's the calendar again."

"Strum one out over a vampire again."

"I've put my face on July."

She actually said Danny from The Voice.

-So there we go. Change the calendar next year, dude.

-Yeah, I will.

What did Sam say when we asked what your favourite sexual position was?

Oh, God.

You can't say "on the face" - that's not a position.

It's a finishing move.

-Doggy-style?

-Doggy-style is correct.

-It was doggy-style.

This is good.

-A pounding from behind wins the prize.

-That's not bad.

-What's that - three prizes?

-Yeah.

-APPLAUSE

The marriage is intact, but we haven't finished with our friends in Liverpool quite yet

because we've got a challenge for you guys too.

And, if you succeed, we've got another mystery prize

lined up for the whole hen party. How about that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All you need to do to win it is find something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue

and show them to us when we come back to you later tonight.

What you find is up to you, but to win the prize,

you'll really need to impress us and Emily as well.

Hens, do you accept the challenge?

CHEERING

I'm going to take that as a "yes".

We'll be back in Liverpool later on to see how they get on.

Thank you, hens, and thank you, James.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's enough from Liverpool because we're off to Scotland,

where we got some amazing answers from Scots

when we surveyed them about their sex life.

Facts such as - they have more threesomes

than anywhere else in Britain,

yet they feel the most guilty about masturbation.

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-I feel so guilty when I touch my penis.

Oh, I cannae touch ma penis!

Scots feel the guiltiest after masturbating -

one and a half times more guilty than the English. Why?

-I don't know - why do you feel guilty?

-I don't feel guilty.

I dinnae know anybody who feels guilty about masturbating.

-You don't, do you?

-She doesn't!

-You feel guilty when you don't!

Do you feel guilty after strumming one out?

I would say a straight "no".

Do you have a bit of guilt, then? After you've knocked one out?

No, I just clean it up. And that's me.

Got to go and see the priest on a Sunday.

We just have sex, we don't really do the wanking.

Something's got to be done. It's a stress relief.

You're better off telling the wife,

"By the way, get to your bed, I want to go and have a wank."

5% of Scots are having sex more than once a day.

It says only 5%? I thought it'd be higher than that.

Yeah, the rest of them are banging ten or 15 times a day.

-Have you had your two daily matings yet?

-Yes.

-You have?

-I'm not.

-Do you do it twice a day sometimes?

If I could, I would. But my boyfriend lives too far away.

-Cos it rains all the fucking time.

-Aye, there's nothing else to do.

22% of Scotland have been in a threesome.

Agree.

I've never been in a threesome so I don't know.

Have you been in any gang-bang situations?

Eh...is my Mrs going to watch this?

-I've been in many.

-Really?

-Usually it ends up me and the girl get it on,

and the guy packs his stuff and goes home.

Have you done that?

-Kinda. Nearly.

-What do you mean "kind of"?!

-No.

-Liar! I can tell by your face!

Why are Scots having more threesomes than the English?

-Cos they're more fun.

-Yeah.

-We're horny.

-We're horny!

Welcome to our weekly Battle Of The Sexes where we find out the answer

to the most important question of all - who's best, girls or boys?

Or to put it another way, who's best - emotionally literate complete beings,

living complicated, full lives

or sticking your willy in things that feel nice. Way-hey!

And representing men this week, he's 25, single

and he thinks - and I quote, "Women can't drive for shit."

It's sexist Joe. APPLAUSE

And playing for the ladies tonight,

she's 22, she's a cheerleader and she can do this...

Show him, girl. Lean on me.

-Thank you.

-Mm-mm!

-Check that out. It's Mischa.

-APPLAUSE

We have questions all about the differences between men and women.

You both need to write down an answer

and whoever's closest wins the round and the prize.

Can we have some lighting indicative of game-play, please?

Yeah, that'll do. First one, this question involves revenge.

What percentage of women have taken revenge on an ex?

Audience watching at home, look at the person next to you.

When you split up with them - and you will -

what revenge might they take on you?

-Let's see your answers.

-What've you got?

31%. Misch? 75%! Nasty bit of work.

I can reveal the correct answer is 14% of women

have taken revenge on an ex.

Which means... Joe, you win the round.

APPLAUSE

Only 5% of men have taken revenge.

-Mischa, have you ever taken revenge on an ex?

-I have.

75% of them. What happened? What did you do?

Well, I had a feeling that the whole thing was coming to an end,

whatever it was, so before he dumped me

I had a little swim round the toilet with his tooth brush.

That's pre-venge, not re-venge - she did it beforehand just in case.

-Yeah.

-"I'll smear your toothbrush in shit in case you mess with me."

Emily, Adam? Have you ever had your spirit crushed,

your self-esteem withered and taken revenge on anyone? Emily?

No, but I think I'm going to take that tip from you.

-That sounds pretty good.

-Adam?

If she's cheating, then, yeah, you've got to do something.

-So what would you do?

-If her mum's buff, sleep with the mum.

If her sister's buff, sleep with the sister.

If not, just sleep with her nan.

There are some young nans in the UK right now.

-There are some buff nans around.

-There are some GILFs out there.

Not many GGILFs, though.

And here's the next question:

65% of men would lie to get someone into bed,

but what is the percentage for women?

Answers down, please.

Time's up. Joe?

-I put 49%.

-49% of women would lie

to get a man's kit off? What do you think?

-20%, cos women ain't as desperate.

-Exactly. Thank you, sister.

I can now reveal the percentage of women who would tell a lie

to get a man into bed is 25%,

which means of course, Mischa you won that round.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Apparently, Joe, you're such a bad liar that you don't even bother

-because people can just always tell.

-I don't lie.

-You never lie?

-No, I can't.

Right, OK. So if we gave you some lies to read out now,

we're going to be able to tell that you're lying by looking at you.

-Yeah.

-We've got statements for you to read out,

and we'll see if we can guess if you're lying or not. So, please read out number one.

Hello, my name's Joe, and I've never done a runner from a restaurant...

without paying the bill.

What do you think? Is he lying, Emily Atack? The fact he laughed...

-Yeah, I think he's lying.

-I think he's shouting poo-poo, man!

LAUGHTER

Joe, was that a lie or did you do a runner from a restaurant?

No, I have done that. Naively, when I was younger, yeah.

You know, we did actually know that.

And not only that, we have spoken to the Chinese restaurant involved

to see if they'd be happy to accept an apology from you, Joe,

after all these years.

But, unfortunately, they wanted a bit more than just an apology.

They wanted to know where Joe lived. LAUGHTER

But did we reveal that very confidential bit of information

-and risk jeopardising what little trust we have left?

-Why would we?

We're totes not like that! Of course we did.

LAUGHTER

Wa-a-ah!

-Wah!

-Wah!

GONG SOUNDS

LAUGHTER

Hi-i! HE EXCLAIMS IN OWN LANGUAGE

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

LAUGHTER

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

H-oi!

A-h-h-h!

THEY LAUGH MANIACALLY

THEY EXCLAIM IN OWN LANGUAGE

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Awesome.

That really was your house, wasn't it?

Yeah, it really was. That's all my stuff.

Let that be a lesson to you - next time, pay the bill.

Don't worry, you're not alone. According to our report,

10% of British men have done a runner in a restaurant.

Amazing. Right, back to the game.

When we asked women what their favourite part of a partner's body was, what was their top answer?

Apart from the face. Write your answers down, please.

-Face.

-Apart from the face.

-Nose?

Apart from the face.

What do women like?

Pancreas?

LAUGHTER

END OF ROUND JINGLE PLAYS

All right, time is up. What have you written, Joe?

I wrote arms.

-Arms. Meesha, what have you got?

-Bum. Got to have a nice bum.

-Bum.

45% of women said their favourite male body part is...the bum.

Meesha, you're the winner, well done! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So lads, the way to a lady's heart is through the bum.

-Leave it!

-Sorry.

-LAUGHTER

-Leave it, please, leave it. Just one.

-Bum sex! Done. I'm done.

If you're not gifted with a pert behind, then there is a simple way

for a man to get some extra help, and it's via this clever bit of kit.

Er, Meesh, what is that?

I have no idea. Like, suck you in pants?

Right, if we have a look at that. Believe it or not...it is a bum bra.

When I first saw it, I thought it was a bank-robbing mask for an owl.

LAUGHTER

-Give me all the money!

-HE MIMICS AN OWL HOOTING

How good would an owl be at a lookout, like that?

It gives you the round voluptuous arse you've always wanted.

-For men - a bum-bra!

-The question is, Meesha, for a special prize,

would you be able to recognise a man with a bogus arse? A bog-arse.

Er, I hope so!

Well, let's find out, as we play Never Mind The Bum-bras.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Meesh...a, as you can see, there are five males

whose bottoms require your attention.

You just need to identify which ones have been enhanced by this -

-a bum-bra.

-But, before you choose, it's only fair you get a better look

at the booty. So, will it be Number One, Bum-bledore?

MUSIC: "Turn Me On" by David Guetta ft Nicki Minaj

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Will it be Number Two, Speccy-Four-Bums?

Or, Meesha, will it be Number Three, Bob the Bummer?

CHEERING

Or how about Number Four, Humpty-Bumpty?

CHEERING

Or Number Five, Bum-tylicious?

CHEERING

Wow.

CHEERING

So Meesha, what do you think about Number One?

Is he faking that behind? Bum-bra or no bum-bra?

I think his old age is showing, it's a bit saggy!

-Sorry! I don't think he's got one on.

-OK. Let's see.

Number One, please reveal your arse.

LAUGHTER

SCREAMING

APPLAUSE

Please stop revealing your arse!

Stop revealing it! LAUGHTER

I will never, EVER get an erection again.

Neither will he.

What about Number Two?

-Bum-bra or no bum-bra?

-He's too skinny. No bum-bra.

Number Two, reveal your arse!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Number Three, bum bra or no bum bra?

That one's a bit hard, his jeans are baggy. Erm...

-Bum-bra.

-Gone with bum-bra. Let's see if you're right.

Number Three, please reveal your arse.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Camera six is loving that. He zoomed in on it!

-He was hoping for a glimpse of anus.

-LAUGHTER

Camera six has got a boner! Boner!

Boner!

-Hey, camera six, nice tripod.

-Yeah!

-LAUGHTER

All right, number four, bum bra or no bum bra. What do you reckon?

-No bum bra. It's a bit flat.

-Let's see if it's right.

-Number four, please reveal your arse.

-Ohhh!

GAGGING NOISES

There was a couple of anal hairs poking out from the side there.

-Mate!

-OK. Number five. Bum bra or no bum bra?

-No bum bra. He's a bit buff. I think it's natural.

-A BIT buff?

A bit buff!

-His arms are the size of my head.

-Exactly.

-Let's see if you're right.

Number five, please reveal your bum.

-I like it!

-Oh, my God, that's actual arse out there.

Look at Emily trying to crane round for a full perv.

-Can I have a little look, just quickly?

-Private dance for Emily.

Is it any good, Em?

That's a really good bum, I'm not going to lie.

However, I've got every character from Lord Of The Rings 1 painted.

-Beat that.

-Ohhh!

Meesha, I have no idea how you did there but we'll give you the prize.

We will both sign the bum bra and you can take it home with you.

-How about that?

-lovely.

CHEERING

And thank you, the bum bra men.

That was the final question

and the winner of tonight's Man Vs Woman is Meesha!

CHEERING

You win the star girlie prize of a handbag and some rose wine,

ladies and gentlemen!

Now, that was Man Vs Woman,

but all this is still heading straight for your faces.

'Emily and Adam unzipped. She's skinny-dipped. He hasn't.

'She's faked an orgasm, he hasn't.

'What else will Inbetweener Emily and BAFTA winner Adam divulge tonight?

'Hens unzipped.

'Find out if they're sober enough to complete our challenge

'by getting their hands on something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue.

'Celebs unzipped. It's time to wheel out the famous folk.

'Keep watching to see what Russell, Polly and Joe have got to say about nicknames, nudity and nanas.'

Welcome to the part of the show that previous guests have described

as disturbing, confusing and, in the words of Holly Willoughby, totally unacceptable for broadcast.

It's time to hear what the unzipped sample have to say for themselves.

These guys!

Tonight we're talking about partying, because we all love a good night out.

According to the report, 35% of under-25s go out at least twice a week.

-You two, I reckon party animals. Are you?

-Oh, yeah. A little bit.

-How often do you go out?

-Every weekend.

You must have had a few last week. Look who you ended up with.

Oh, my God!

Oh, Russell.

That's a rational explanation for that. I can explain.

I was trying to get off with her.

-We had fun, didn't we, babes?

-Yep!

You won the Rising Star BAFTA recently. A big night out after that?

-I took all my boys to McDonald's.

-Oh, my God.

I bought 'em an extra large meal and I said, yeah, party time.

-What's the most showbiz party you've ever been to, Emily?

-I went to the FHM party the other night,

which was really fun. I really liked that.

-Number Ten and FHM.

-That deserves a round of applause.

-Yeah, man.

-Number Ten.

-Number Ten.

I honestly don't know... I do not know how I blagged that one. That is mental.

-You beat Angelina Jolie.

-It's a travesty!

-That's worldwide, as well, isn't it?

-I know, it's ridiculous.

-Love that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely flattered but it's... Oh, my God. People were outraged.

-I tell you what, though. Tulisa won it. THAT'S an outrage.

-Ooooh!

-OK, party tricks. Have you got any party tricks?

-You've got one.

-I've got a party trick.

-Yeah?

-Sick party trick! Always works as well.

If you're trying to get that buffy in the rave,

I'll pull out my phone and I'll do a little thing.

I can basically play the EastEnders theme tune on my phone.

-And that works with the women?

-Mm. always!

Because they don't think I can do it and then I show them

and then they're like, "Wow. Wow.

"Let me just give you my number."

-Wow.

-Can I show everyone?

-Yeah, do it.

-Yeah, yeah.

-All right, cool, cool.

-All right, ladies, ladies, brace yourselves.

-Let me show you my skill, innit? Let me show you this little ting right now.

-His little ting!

Wait, I'll put a little beat behind it, OK? You ready?

You ain't my muvver!

SCREECHES: Yes, I am!

HE IMITATES EASTENDERS INTRO

HE CLUMSILY PLAYS EASTENDERS THEME ON KEYPAD

Hold on.

A BAFTA award winner, everybody.

-And then it ends. Then it ends, and it's done.

-CHEERING

I've got one. I'll teach you this. You might recognise this one.

GREG CLEARS THROAT

# Mary had a little lamb... #

That's what I'm saying!

# And unfortunately it had rabies... #

-I like that one.

-# And died a horrible death

# It's dead. #

Teach me that, bruv.

Well, Russell.

After that techno fest, things are getting moist here, aren't they, ladies?

When we surveyed people for the Unzipped Report,

we asked them this question.

Sex, drugs or rock'n'roll?

-What do you think their favourite answer was, guys?

-ALL: Sex!

I thought a few people would shout something else!

You are actually correct. 67% of people said sex, whilst only 30% said rock'n'roll

and just 3% said drugs.

You should have used my dealer.

I'm only joking, I'm not interesting enough to use drugs,

but in a game of Second Edition Dungeons and Dragons, look out,

because I will destroy you with my +1 sword.

Take it, goblins. So where would be the best place to find all three?

Of course, a party.

Which is why some people will do anything to get in. Won't they...

Latoya?

-Hello. Hi.

-What happened?

-Basically a big group of us were on holiday,

we decided to go to a really uptown club on the night.

-Where were you on holiday?

-Beijing, China.

Of course. Classic party...

When we got to the actual club, there was a really long queue.

I kind of marched through and I was just like,

"Do you know who I am?

"I'm Naomi Campbell."

I know I don't look like her but I just wanted to get into the club.

I think you do, babe, a bit, to be fair.

They believed you?

-They don't know what she looks like so...

-What do you mean?

-Well...

-How could they be impressed by who you were?

"I've never heard of her. In you come."

They knew her name but they didn't know what she looked like,

or they just thought, "Black, tall, let her in."

So...

Oh, so it's a racist story? Lovely.

I feel very uncomfortable. Back to you, Greg.

-Do you two ever have trouble getting into places any more?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-I feel like sometimes bouncers are on such a power trip.

-They're deliberately arseholes sometimes.

-I hate them.

I hate them.

-I hate bouncers.

-Yeah, they're horrible.

It's like they go to a special school just to be a prick, like.

People say bouncers are vile to me, absolutely vile.

-Even to you?

-Yes! Vile!

-Bouncers always let girls in.

-Yeah, they do.

They don't let me in! They're horrible to me.

The most depressing moment of the last few years

was backstage at Radio 1's Big Weekend

-and I got ID'ed for drinks and everything.

-No!

It was awful.

I go to a shop to buy cigarettes and they'll tell me, "Have you got ID?"

I've tried to get my head around taking it as a compliment.

I had the same problem last week when I was trying to buy nunchucks and acid.

-LAUGHTER

-Now, of course, at any party there is always someone

who starts causing trouble after a few drinks.

If you're going to do that, maybe avoid picking on Yvette.

-Yeah.

-Why should we avoid picking on you, are you a hard mofo?

I'm not that hard. I get a bit aggressive when drunk, not too bad.

It wasn't me this time.

I was out clubbing and everybody likes a crazy dance.

I wasn't in anyone's way.

I think this guy took a disliking to my dancing.

He come up to me and literally with his leg,

swiped both my feet out from underneath me.

-I hit the floor and bruised my hip quite badly.

-No way.

I got up and was like, "What just happened?"

I started swearing at him and raging.

-Not expecting it, he did it again.

-What?!

-I was like, "Boom! That was embarrassing, second time down."

-What'd you do?

I used to do judo, when I was younger.

I grabbed him, flipped around

and flipped him over my shoulder onto the floor

and then I jumped on him,

put my hand around his throat, pinned his other arm down and said,

"You touch me again and I'll kill you."

He was like, "Aah!"

The bouncer came over and was like,

"Excuse me, Miss, could you get off him?"

I was like, "Oh, sorry!"

In Essex, that's a traditional mating dance.

The thing is, someone had a cameraphone on them at the time

and they caught the moment when you pinned this guy.

We have the image. Have a look at this.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, my God.

APPLAUSE

So, if we've learned anything tonight, it's this -

if you're out one night and recognise anybody from our audience,

I suggest you leave the party immediately.

Unzipped sample, give yourself a deserved round of applause.

CHEERING

How normal are you? Quirky, boring or completely gaga?

Check out Britain Unzipped on the BBC Three website.

And by answering our questions, find out how your social life,

work life and even sex life compare to the rest of Britain.

We'll provide you with a personalised report.

It's up to you whether you share it with friends

or keep it as our little secret.

Just go to...

..and click on Britain Unzipped.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thousands of you have already completed the Britain Unzipped report online,

but there are different questions featured every week.

If you were shocked or disappointed by your rating last time, try again.

You can. Now let's link up with our cameras in Liverpool.

How are our hens getting along?

The last time we caught up with our bride-to-be and hens,

we challenged them to bring something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue.

If they succeed - Emily and Adam will be the judge of that -

we've got a prize for the whole hen party.

Let's see how they're getting on. Hello, Sam?

CHEERING

-Sam, have you got something old?

-We have.

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

Who's that?

Sam, who was that?

His name's Michael.

We met him earlier. He's our friend.

He's joining the rest of our hen do.

-He's just an old man you found?

-Yes.

-All right, OK.

OK, so dare I ask, something new?

Something new - we've got a bit of body art on our girlies.

Oh.

-We've got Charlie.

-Oh!

CHEERING

Have you got something borrowed?

Yes, we have. We've got...

-Three sets of boxers.

-CHEERING

Where have you borrowed those from?

We borrowed them from the lovely lads that we attacked.

-Oh, my God.

-Who are they?!

-Finally, what about something blue?

-Stripper.

SAM CACKLES Uh-oh.

MUSIC: "You Can Leave Your Hat On" by Tom Jones

Oh!

HEN PARTY SCREAM

Michael just sat there!

# Baby take off your coat... #

James is not going to be very happy about this.

Adam wants to walk off.

Michael's relief that he didn't get his bell-end out is unbelievable.

Emily and Adam, do you think the hens deserve their prizes or not?

-My God!

-I think they should.

-I think they do. Definitely, that was amazing.

-That was nice.

Congratulations, Sam. You've won the prizes, well done.

CHEERING

Sam, your prize is Unzipped cocktails for the whole hen party.

CHEERING

Make the most of it. You're having fun at the moment but you are girls,

you'll drink white wine and finish the night crying and arguing.

-Thank you so much. Thanks, Michael.

-Goodbye! Bye, hens. Bye, Michael.

Bye, Michael!

And whilst we recover from all that,

here's a safer package to feast your eyes upon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So we've learned a lot about the British public tonight.

Now it's time to leave economy class behind and get a celebrity upgrade.

Who better to guide us into the VIP lounge

than Emily Atack and Adam Deacon.

APPLAUSE

It's time to find out what you two know about your fellow celebs.

This is our Celebs Unzipped board. Have a look.

As you can see, there are some beautiful celebrity faces staring down at you.

And Frankie Cocozza is on there, too.

All you need to do is pick a square, and answer a question about that celebrity.

All the questions are related to the stats we've uncovered in our report.

-I love stats.

-Yeah, me too.

Get enough questions right

and you'll win something for everyone in the studio.

CHEERING

Up for grabs tonight is the ultimate combination

of a party drink and party food.

I think you know what I'm talking about! Vodka jelly for everyone!

CHEERING

-Oh, no you didn't.

-I went there. I went there!

-And I enjoyed it.

-The pressure is on.

Let's add to that pressure with the sort of music

you'd get on a proper game show, something like this.

DRAMATIC MUSICAL CRESCENDO

That will do. Pick your first celebrity, please.

The beautiful Holly.

Holly Willoughby.

We asked Holly Willoughby, "What is the one thing she would do

"if no-one would ever find out?"

Did she say, "naked cage dancing in Ibiza",

or "being invisible for a day"?

-I think invisible.

-Yeah, invisible.

Audience?

AUDIENCE: Invisible!

Seems to be pretty unanimous here. Let's have a look.

So, if nobody would ever find out...

I would probably have full body lipo from my biggest toe

to the top of my head, and then, and this is the bit I really want to do,

is go into a cage, in Ibiza, and just dance naked for a whole night.

-I thought she was a good girl.

-She's naughty!

-I can't believe that!

-If no-one found out, that's what she'd do.

-She's got a good girl face.

-Very naughty!

-I can't believe it.

I broke that clip when I first watched it!

LAUGHTER

-Can I do you, Greg?

-LAUGHTER

Sorry! No!

LAUGHTER

Absolutely, yes.

Stay away from Emily! I saw her first, dickhead!

As it is a question about Greg, I will have to ask that one

due to BBC regulations.

Now, 18% of people have admitted to dressing up

in their partner's clothes.

But has Greg ever done this?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Yes. He's a dodgy guy. I think, yes.

There was no deliberation there.

-Greg, what did you say?

-I said yes.

Did one of your ex-girlfriends own a pair of gold hot pants?

If not, please explain this.

# All the single ladies

# All the single ladies.

# Put your hands up. #

Don't make me laugh! Do it again!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That is my day job, everybody.

-You genuinely didn't know we had that, did you?

-No, I didn't.

-Next.

-OK, next one.

-Joe Swash, mate.

-OK, Swash.

We asked Joe what he thinks about to slow himself down during sex.

-What he does to slow himself down?

-Yes.

Did it involve Margaret Thatcher or Bruce Forsyth?

-Bruce Forsyth would slow you down.

-Both together.

They're both dodgy, man!

Think like Joe Swash.

-Joe - he'd think Margaret Thatcher.

-Exactly.

I want to get you guys the shots, man. Maggie Thatcher.

Let's have a look.

When I was a teenager, I'd think of Margaret Thatcher. That would work.

APPLAUSE

I'd think of my nan sometimes,

but then I thought that was kind of weird, you know.

Even if you're thinking of your nan to prolong sex,

you're thinking of your nan in a sex kind of term.

APPLAUSE

It's one more to win.

Go on, then.

-AUDIENCE: Russell!

-Yeah, Russell!

Emily said me!

For legal reasons, I have to ask the questions.

She said my name, though! Can't ruin it!

Question. What was Russell's nickname at school?

Oh, shit.

Was it Roger Rabbit or Rampant Rabbit?

LAUGHTER

Roger.

-Roger Rabbit.

-You're going for Roger?

-Yeah.

-I think so. Roger Rabbit.

-Russell?

-Because I've got massive teeth

and always have had, before I had my brace on, I was called Roger Rabbit.

APPLAUSE

The thing is, as we all know,

kids at school can be really cruel, and although it's a bit unfair,

I don't remember Roger Rabbit looking like this.

What have you done?

LAUGHTER

Where did you get that?

How embarrassing!

That bowl cut is an early One Direction cut!

And old enough to bang Flack.

-We've only got one...not! We've got more.

-No!

LAUGHTER

-Where have you got these from? Have you been in touch with my mum or something?

-Maybe.

-You absolute...

-Shall we have one more?

-No!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sick jumper. That is amazing.

-Are you OK?

-Always surrounded by pussay!

The good news is that is correct, which means you have won!

Come and join us. Amazing news!

Congratulations.

Thanks to you two, everybody here tonight wins the vodka jelly!

That's all we've got time for tonight.

A massive thank you to our guests, Emily Atack and Adam Deacon.

APPLAUSE

Thanks to Joe, Meesha and our hens in Liverpool as well.

APPLAUSE

We're back next week with more weird and wonderful results.

Until then, don't for get you can go online and see how weird you are.

Go to...

and click on Britain Unzipped.

Thank you for watching and goodbye.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd