Episode 4 Unzipped

We asked 500 extremely unusual questions

to thousands of British people.

The answers to those questions make up the Britain Unzipped Report.

Previously, with the help of some beautiful celebrity guests,

we've examined booze,

we've explored romance...

That's a really good bum.

..and invited everyone over for a party.

Tonight, we'll be hanging out with a Pussycat Doll...

-Howdy.

-..and going back to school...

Who here couldn't wait to leave school?

CHEERING

..to find out why growing up is easier said than done.

This is Britain Unzipped.

You're so dirty!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to Britain Unzipped.

This is Russell Kane.

And this is Greggy J!

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

If you've switched on hoping to watch Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum,

-we've got some bad news for you.

-I think you mean good news.

Oh, that's going to sting.

You've got us two instead, and we're going to spend

the next hour exposing just how strange and kooky and weird you are.

With the help of the Unzipped Report,

we'll be lifting the lid on British behaviour,

and we'll also get an American viewpoint,

because our special guest is Kimberly Wyatt!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi.

-Hello!

-Welcome to Britain Unzipped.

-Thank you.

Howdy.

Howdy.

Like thousands of you out there, Kimberly has filled in

the Unzipped Report

and we'll be giving her a normality rating based on her answers soon.

So, do think you're fairly normal?

I would say fairly normal.

I think we're all weird in our own ways,

but I would say fairly normal.

HE GIGGLES

You're well pretty.

LAUGHTER

We'll be revealing the answers to other big questions.

Questions such as...

Is it acceptable to sext someone else if you're in a relationship?

How many of you have a secret wish to talk to animals?

And how many dads out there wish their children were better-looking?

LAUGHTER

That's if you know your dad, you lucky bastard.

Plus, we'll be using our report to talk about school

and finding out if they really were the best days of your lives.

And we couldn't do that without the help of

the teacher's pets in our beautiful audience!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Also, this load of troublemakers...

That lot over there, that's our Unzipped Sample,

and we'll be hearing a lot more from them throughout the show.

We'll be asking them totes inappropes questions,

such as, how many of you have had full sex with one of your teachers?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER

I think we should get you an Unzipped counsellor.

Just to warn you, that counsellor is Greg

and he just pulls a mask off halfway through and goes, "Gutted!"

We've also got this heading your way tonight on Britain Unzipped.

-Gutted!

-Gutted!

Men and women unzipped.

It's the part of the show where we're not afraid to flash some flesh.

Find out what's in store tonight when we're joined by a Pussycat Doll.

School unzipped.

After weeks of foul language and bad behaviour,

Russell finally gets taught a lesson.

Kimberly unzipped.

And following in the footsteps of Holly, Christine and Emily,

who's next to hit the dance floor?

All the way from the US of A, it's Miss Kimberly Wyatt.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Kimberly, thank you so much for joining us tonight.

You just came from rehearsals in the West End, how's the show going?

It's going really well.

We've been making sure everything's pitch-perfect

so we can put on the best show possible.

-What is the show?

-It's a dance show called Revolution.

Sort of set in the future and it's all different styles of dance.

You know cos you're on that show, Got To Dance, and stuff,

do you feel under more pressure dancing in the West End,

like people scrutinise you cos you were once the judge

and now you're being judged?

I think you do feel it a little bit, for sure,

because you say so much and you talk the talk

that when it's your turn, you'd better be able to walk the walk.

I'm like that with shagging, a little bit.

Russell's new show is Got To Shag.

I talk about it a lot and then it just goes down my leg.

Aw!

Tonight, it is our chance to judge you,

-because you filled out the Unzipped Report.

-Yes.

And we're going to see how normal you are to the rest of Britain.

But, before we begin, can I play you my favourite ever Pussycat Doll song?

-Sure.

-OK.

-Can I join in?

-Yeah, join in.

-On the recorder?

-Yeah, yeah, whoa, just...

OK, hit it!

-# It's funny how a man only thinks about the

-BEEP

-# You got a real big heart But I'm looking at your

-BEEP

-# You got real big brains But I'm looking at your

-BEEP

# Girl, there ain't no pain In me looking at your...

-# I don't give a ... Keep looking at my

-BEEP

-# Cos it don't mean a thing If you're looking at my

-BEEP

-# I'm-a do my thing While you're playing with ya

-BEEP

# Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's an amazing rendition.

That is quite enough of that.

-So, Kimberly K Wyatt, these are your normality questions.

-Yes.

Here we go, have you ever visited a psychic?

-Yes.

-What happened?

There was one experience, I was on tour with the Dolls,

went to see a psychic before this big world tour,

and they warned me that I was going to be wearing these boots

that went up to the knee with white laces,

which happened!

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

And said they would give me foot problems...

Urgh.

In the end, all of us had problems with our feet from dancing in them.

Are you sure it wasn't a chiropodist?

Did you have to dance in a verruca sock?

I don't even know what a verruca sock is.

Just one sexy boot and a verruca sock.

Do you have verrucas in America?

I don't think so, not that I'm aware.

LAUGHTER

Maybe we do, I don't know.

It's the land of the free, buddy, no-one lives in our feet, OK?!

LAUGHTER

-It's basically warts on your feet.

-No, I have good feet.

Did your feet get mash up by 'dem or not?

No, it was how the shoes sat on our feet.

We were dancing like crazy for an hour-and-a-half every night.

-And it did mess your feet up, though?

-It did!

Wow, thank God you went there.

We are testing your normality.

I have to tell you, it's not normal -

only 33% of British women have visited psychic.

Americans might be more spiritual.

-I do live in LA.

-Totally, babes.

"I only eat green food!"

We're going to go deep with this next question.

Some of them are a little bit intellectual,

little bit political, with the American links with Iran

and the world situation - hit her with it.

Have you ever farted during sex?

LAUGHTER

I can't say that I have, no.

You can't say you have, or you can't say that you haven't?

I have not.

Farty! Farty sex pants!

-Have you ever had sex?

-Yes.

Greg! Don't!

Girls don't fart, they poot.

-Poot?!

-They what?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. Well, I shall rephrase the question.

Have you ever pooted...

Oh, no, Mr Pooty's in town!

If I ever felt the need during sex to fart

I would do everything in my power to not let that happen.

If you hold it in too much, it comes out as a burp.

I would much rather burp than fart during sex.

It's a mouth-poot.

51% of women

admitted to farting during sex.

You're only fractionally abnormal.

Most British women get up, put their leg on the bed

and go, "Take this, Gary!

"Now, get out, you wanker!"

But that's just here.

Next one - have you ever murdered someone?

Sorry, have you ever had a murderous thought?

Different question, isn't it, really?

I would say that I've definitely seen red before.

Right, that's just getting angry.

I haven't been in a situation where I felt like

I was about to choke somebody and throw them on the ground.

-You got so angry, you thought, "I want to strangle this person."

-Yeah.

So, Nicole Scherzinger said sorry?

Ooooh!

Yeah.

That's not normal.

Only 11% of women have thought about committing murder.

Apparently - those numbers don't seem right.

I'm going to go for an investigation.

Right.

Where's my microphone?

I'm straight, check it on Google.

LAUGHTER

Who's had a murderous thought here?

Hmm, quite a lot of murdering tinkers.

I'm strangely attracted to this young lady over here.

-What's your name?

-Becky.

-That's a lovely jacket, Bibs.

You've had murderous thoughts - please tell us more.

It was actually a friend who wanted to kill someone...

-Wait a minute...

-..and I helped her with the plan.

Basically...

LAUGHTER

The cameras are rolling, we're talking about murderous thoughts,

not accessory to planning an actual murder.

-You were having murderous fantasy thoughts?

-Yes.

Just to clear that up!

Basically, to cut a long plan short,

we were going to rent a little garage, torture,

put her in her dad's van.

My friend's dad has got a pig farm, we were going to chop her up,

feed her to the pigs...

LAUGHTER

What?!

The only thing pigs can't eat is teeth and hair.

Put it in a bag with a bit of weight,

chuck it in a river - she's gone!

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Russell! Get away!

-Get away from her!

-Back to you, Greg.

God.

-Wow.

-All right, next one.

-Have you ever been skinny-dipping?

-Yes.

APPLAUSE

My first job out of high school was working on cruise ships

and the first tour I did was around the Ca-RIB-bean...

THEY SNIGGER

Carib-BE-an.

With her friend "Ber-NARD".

In the Caribbean.

We went to St Thomas, which has an amazing beach called Magen's Bay.

-It was sort of a nude beach.

-Hmm.

We would go once a week and just hang out.

I feel like such a floozy.

Did you take everything off, did you?

Totally nude. That's fair enough.

-If you're going to do it, you may as well do it.

-Unbelievably,

it's not normal. Only 14% of British women would do that.

Kimberly Wyatt, thank you for giving such honest answers.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

We can now give you an Unzipped normality rating,

compared to women in Britain and to the previous guests on the show.

So the options are,

normal,

odd/Christine Bleakley,

weird,

insane/Holly Willoughby

and Emily Atack from The Inbetweeners,

and finally, danger to society, the home of Russell.

Holly Willoughby liked human flesh, remember.

Christine had a thing for Phil Schofield sex, which was odd,

and Emily Atack has a nasty habit of hanging out with me,

which is obviously abnormal for a woman,

and also faking her orgasms. The two aren't connected.

We can now reveal

that you are weird

and even more bonkers than Christine Bleakley.

Thank you. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

-Are you happy with that?

-I am OK with being weird, absolutely.

But that rating could change during the show,

especially when we hear what you got up to at school.

So if you have any shocking revelations

that you want to get off your chest... Boobies!

..then feel free.

If you want to find out how normal you are,

don't forget to complete your own report on the BBC Three website.

There's brand-new questions every week. Go to bbc.co.uk/bbcthree

and click on Britain Unzipped.

Still to come, we'll be talking to animals, sending Russell to school

and revealing a load of showbiz celebrity confessions

when we play Celebs Unzipped.

In previous episodes,

we've exposed Holly Willoughby's cage dancing fantasies,

exclusively revealed that Joe Swash calls his little fella Alfie...

And learnt Russell used to be a long-haired freak

with a thing for cats!

Why are we doing that again? You do a joke once, that's the law.

I've spoken to my lawyers

and we can only show that photo if my identity is hidden.

That's not enough.

Even though they're both dead, they should be protected.

So stand by for more amazing revelations later tonight.

But now it's the part of the show

where we pick two of the finest specimens of man and womankind

and pitch them together in a battle of the sexes.

'Man versus wo-man!'

Representing the men this week, he's from Chester

and on last week's show, we discovered he once faked an orgasm

but he did, and I quote,

"Make her finish first."

And he likes maths. It's Ryan!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Ryan! Ryan! Ryan!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

And representing women this week,

she's from Missouri - it's one of the ones in the middle - US of A.

Her nickname's K-Dawg

and she once offered to take Kate Middleton pole dancing.

It's Kimberly!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ahead of us, we've got questions

all about the differences between men and women.

But as the series score in Man Versus Women is 3-0 to the girls,

we thought the boys needed a hand.

So we've enlisted Kimberly

because surely Ryan will know more about British behaviour than you!

Ryan, Let's do your quickfire questions.

-How old are you?

-21.

-Have you ever worked in a strip club?

-Yes.

-Is it true you didn't mean to work there?

-Yes.

-What happened?

-I applied for a bar job, thinking it was a bar,

walked in, saw a woman on a pole with her tits out.

-Tits out.

-Simple as that.

And are you currently...courting?

I am single.

Welcome to the club.

You're in our club. We got no women in our club.

Your turn, Kimberly. Now, it's rude to ask a lady her age.

We'll ask something else instead.

How many years have you been on the planet?

-30.

-And something a little less personal.

When did you lose your virginity?

I would never say.

Can't remember, it was ages ago.

"It was this crazy party. There was just stuff going on everywhere."

-It was prom night.

-Have you...? And please, there's a lot of hope here.

Have you ever had a relationship with a British man?

-Yes, I have.

-How different is it? Cos American guys

are always speaking, aren't they? "Yeah, that's so good, babe!"

British guys say nothing, then "I'm sorry" at the end. "Sorry!"

I like British men. I think they have great chivalry.

-They know how to treat a girl well.

-You know that, yeah?

They're gorgeous.

-Know what I mean?

-Yeah. Erm...

Let's see what we're playing for tonight.

Ryan, you'll choose from this selection of proper man prizes.

You could be taking away a football,

a barbecue, a screwdriver set,

a selection of novelty pants - that's not very manly.

And if you want to get blind drunk after the show, a bottle of Scotch.

APPLAUSE

Kimberly, just because you're an international celebrity doesn't mean

you'll miss out. Feast your eyes on these girly cliches.

Tonight's prizes include a hot water bottle, bubble bath,

jim-jams - pyjamas - a bottle of medium dry white wine

and a box of tissues, oh-my-God!

Yes!

Please could I have my special lights?

Here's the first question.

What percentage of women have worn a costume or outfit for sexy time?

-That's definitely on the list of things you should never say.

-What?

I got dressed up as Rentokil once.

OK, time's up. Ryan, what have you written? Is it a rudimentary graph?

Wow!

71%, it's almost prime.

"Kymeberly," what have you got? 23%.

I can now reveal the correct answer is...

31% of women have worn a costume or outfit for sex.

-Which means, Kimberly, you win the prize.

-Yes!

'Wo-man wins!'

-Kimberley, how long were you a Pussycat Doll?

-Seven years.

Did your boyfriends ask you to put less racy stuff on when having sex?

"Put a cardigan on and some trainers!

"Tell me you're going down the library!"

-No.

-No?

-No.

The percentage of men who've worn a sexy outfit is only 10%.

Have you ever dressed up?

No, it's the woman's job.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Sexist pig. Yeah!

I bet Ryan gets dressed up as Einstein and goes...

It's funny you said no. What about this sexy-time outfit?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I used to ask my girlfriends to dress up as Beyonce until I saw this.

Ah. I'll just stop you there, Greg. Because I know you're expecting

to hilariously cue up my dance as Beyonce,

which was done for charity, in good faith,

but I thought Kimberley might be more impressed

by the real clip that we're about to show!

Let's have a look at Greg's choreography.

MUSIC: "Call Your Girlfriend" by Robyn

CHEERING AND WOLF-WHISTLES

I love you for that!

Kimberley, were you impressed by that?

Oh, yes. That was...

amazing. I loved the commitment.

Yeah. That is...

That's what they say to the bewildered on X Factor.

When I said I was going to be doing the show with you today,

-everyone talks about your killer move.

-Oh, yes.

-Yes.

What is the killer move? For people that don't know it, just show us.

Oh, my God.

There it is.

CHEERING

There it is.

Well, uh...

Oh...

-Can you do that?

-I don't think we should move from behind the podium.

The next question is,

what percentage of men wish their children were better-looking?

Write your answers down, please.

This sounds horrific, but it's not a cruel thing to wish. Statistically,

the taller you are, the better-looking you are,

the better you do at a job interview. That's a fact.

Which is why you do so well at everything, Greg, and I struggle.

Because I'm ugly and small!

Now, Ryan, what have you written?

21%. Kimberly, what have you got?

28%. It's a close one.

I can reveal that the percentage of men

that wish their children were better-looking...

is 10%.

Quite a lot, actually, which means Ryan wins the prize and the round.

'Man wins!'

-Have you got any children, Ryan?

-No.

That would require sex.

-Kimberly?

-Oh, no.

-Russell?

-OK, bit weird about telling this one.

The chances are, yes.

I will explain. People are laughing and not realising

the truth's about to hit them!

Now, at university, I had to make my own money.

I could work in the Saturday job, or I could sell my sperm

at the sperm bank three times a week for three years.

I basically wanked my way to a first in English.

How much did they pay you?

Well, it was a couple of years ago. It was £17.50 per shot.

-Per shot, you say?

-Per shot.

# Shot, shot, shot, shot Everybody! #

Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Forgot.

I should just say, if you are out there

and you do turn out to be my child,

I have no interest in ever seeing you.

Anyway, dads thinking their kids should be better-looking,

that is the perfect question where I would have done my hilarious

but ultimately self-indulgent long walk.

-Who missed that last week?

-No. No. No-one did.

The point is with this joke,

you leave a long gap and then at the end ask a question,

it's really quick, and that's what makes it funny. Trust me.

I get it, but I'm left standing here looking like a twat.

-Is it all right if I get a producer's opinion?

-Quickly.

LIGHT MUSIC

Producer, J-bomb, is it OK if we reinstate my hilarious

-but ultimately self-indulgent walk?

-No.

-Back to you, Greg.

Dick!

Right, back to the game.

And what percentage of men think that sexting someone

other than your partner does not count as cheating?

What do you reckon? Write that down, please.

It was a no. He said no.

Cheers, thanks.

-I think it worked.

-What are we doing? Oh, sexting.

What have you written, Ryan?

36% of men think it's OK to send a sexy text

when they're in a relationship. OK. Kimberly, what have you got?

37%.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Quite optimistic about men, I have to say. I can now reveal that

the percentage of men who think it's OK to send

sexually explicit messages and images to someone

they're not going out with

is 41%.

Yes!

'Wo-man wins!'

Let's go into the mathematical mind of Ryan.

He likes to make copper sulphate crystals!

Ryan, do you think sexting counts as cheating?

-Yeah, course it does.

-Course it does.

If you're cheating in your mind, you're cheating.

That's why I'm so sensitive, because I would never treat you that way.

-What about getting off with someone, kissing them?

-Not in the early days.

AUDIENCE GASPS

-Hang on, rewind.

-Yeah, because it's a sexual fantasy.

What?!

So, in your mind, the abstract is better than the absolute?

"I just prefer concepts!"

One more question. Would you like to go out with someone famous?

Yeah, course.

I think you're the perfect person, Ryan, to play Doll Or No Doll.

Now, earlier this week, we asked Ryan to do some homework

by learning all about Kimberly. We did find out that

he broke into your back garden. We're sorry about that.

We're now going to ask Ryan three questions about Kimberly.

Kimberly has very kindly/foolishly donated

three very personal prizes tonight.

A kiss.

CHEERING

A sexy dance.

CHEERING

And an erotic finger suck.

LAUGHTER

Now, Kimberly did offer a star prize as well,

but it was so filthy that one of our BBC lawyers

immediately handed in their resignation.

What was it?

WHISPERS AND THEN BLEATS LIKE A SHEEP

That's what I call hot!

The only thing we haven't mentioned is these five boxes.

They are a crucial part of this totally original format

that we definitely didn't copy from anyone else.

Every time you - blobby blobby! - get an answer right...

LAUGHTER

..we'll open a box.

In each box, there is one name. Why have we agreed to this?

And those names are mine, Greg, or Kimberly's.

And whoever's name is revealed will be the person

who you actually get the prize from.

GROANING, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

With a bit of luck, you might get a kiss from Kimberly.

Although, there is a chance that you'll end up

with Russell sucking off your finger.

Let me tell you, I take it deep.

Let's get started with question one for the kiss.

When is Kimberly's birthday?

-4th February.

-It's right.

He's won the kiss. Well done, well done.

Who will this close-mouthed kiss be from?

Who would you want it to be from?

Obviously Kimberly.

-That's not what I heard.

-Homophobe.

Kimberly, if you'd like to go and choose a box.

This is genuinely horrible.

I hate you.

Greg...

Greg, if you'd like to take the position in front of the podium.

-We'll cue the formal kiss in a moment.

-What, on the...?

Yeah, kiss just on the lips and hold it for two seconds.

Let's build a bit of atmosphere.

Let's count him down, ladies and gentlemen, from five.

ALL TOGETHER: Five, four, three, two, one.

Kiss!

-HE QUAVERS

-Do it! Do it!

WHISTLING AND CHEERING

# Kiss! #

So the fun just rapidly runs out as I realise

it's time for question two.

He was tender, I'll give him that.

The glasses came off and he was like a different person!

Now, this is for the sexy dance.

At what age did Kimberly start dancing?

Um...

Seven.

-Kimberly, is that correct?

-Yes, it is.

It's correct, he won the sexy dance.

I've got to be honest, this is the one I wouldn't mind so much, right?

I love dancing.

But who will bump and grind?

Kimberly, please pick a box.

I want this one. Get it out the way on the dance.

# Ooh, come and get you some Come and get you some

# Ooh, ooh, come and get you some Come and get you some

# Ooh, come and get you some Come and get you some, ooh, ooh

# Come and get you some Come and get you some

# Ooh, come and get you some Come and get you some... #

CHEERING

Boner! Boner!

-Boner!

-Boner!

-Boner!

Question three... is for the finger job.

What does the tattoo on Kimberly's arm say?

The answer will have to be absolutely correct.

We need the name of the font as well.

Has it got a little heart and then "life", so, "love life"?

What does that say? Let's have a close-up.

Congratulations. You've won the finger suck.

OK, this really is a money-can't-buy prize,

because no-one would ever want to buy it.

It's a finger job to completion!

Whatever that is.

It was funny when I wrote it earlier. It's not so funny now.

-Kimberly, please pick a box.

-Oh, my God.

I'm not doing it. I can't do it. I genuinely can't do it.

-It's always the way with the campest men.

-Ryan, present your finger!

# Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? #

Look how dirty Ryan's hands are!

He's lubing up.

I'm just going to get it hard first.

I've never sucked a man's finger before.

Just because I'm camp, doesn't mean I enjoyed that.

-How are you feeling, young man?

-You enjoyed it!

-Not great.

That's one of the worst things I've ever done.

I have got a suggestion off the back of that -

why don't we never, ever play Doll Or No Doll ever again?

Thank you very much, Kimberly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, where were we? That was the final question.

So the winner of tonight's Man Versus Woman is Kimberly!

Which means, to go with your other prizes,

you also win the star prize, which is the Hollyoaks Hunks calendar.

Greg's drawn knobs on every picture.

-Congratulations, well done, darling.

-Thank you.

More from Kimberly, but not before we send Russell to a place

teeming with social rejection, casual violence and sexual humiliation.

He means my school days.

Ah, school. For 70% of us,

definitely not the happiest days of our lives.

Congratulations if you were with the 30% who were cool.

But for the rest of us, there was no cool,

no girlfriends, no masculine pride, nothing.

If a girl so much looked at me in the school corridor,

I went off like a punched icing bag.

Hiya!

The gym was the worst place - my concave chest with one pube,

my dad at home banging on about how good he was at rugby.

I just pick the ball up and I walk with it.

You're nothing, you skinny little shit!

Some of us fancied our PE teachers, especially gay people.

A whopping 24% of you guys.

Which one of you lot wants to help me empty this ball bag?

I'll give it a bloody try.

What?!

The law of the jungle.

For the 30% of you that loved school, you loved this place,

the playground.

You had your cool nicknames. Casher, Basher, Masher, Trasher.

I had my nickname - it was Piss Off Tosser.

-Piss off, tosser.

-All right?!

She's still using it! Classic! Ow!

Tosser!

The bike sheds, the place where I got zero action.

I'm in that 20% of boys that tried to give themselves a blow job.

That climbs to 44% in a private school.

Goddamn it, Olly. If only I could nosh my own knob.

Try smearing hummus on it as an incentive.

OMG! This dip's organic.

There we have it. The school years.

The years of rejection, inadequacy and outsiderness,

but that's training for the rest of life.

School's out.

So school days are not the happiest days of most British people's lives

especially if you went to school with me.

Who here couldn't wait to leave school?

CHEERING

Rebels(!)

-Kimberly, did you enjoy school?

-I did and I didn't.

I was definitely ready to be done, but I was quite a good school kid.

LAUGHTER

The reason that happened was because you said, "I was ready to be done."

Over here, we get the impression all American schools are dancing around,

like, perfect teeth - is that what it's like?

No. Not at all. I grew up in a small farm town.

So I had a lot of cowboys at my school.

Did they ride into lessons? "I've got my cleats! D'uh!"

A little bit like that! There's a big FFA foundation.

Do you have FFA here?

-"For fu..." What?

-Future Farmers of America.

Obviously you wouldn't have it here! Right!

They would have boots and shorts day at school.

This is the best school ever! Did you have a nickname at school?

-K-Dog.

-Standard.

-Standard.

-Russ?

-Anyone want to share? What's your name, darling?

-Hannah.

-OK, Hannah.

What was your nickname? Goldilocks, Blondie, Sweetie Pie?

I wish.

-It was Phantom Shitter.

-No, it was Phantom...

Everyone would come in in the mornings

and there'd be shit smeared all over the toilet walls,

all over the corridor walls, all in the lockers, everything,

and whenever anyone spoke about it, apparently I went quiet.

-It was always the quiet ones.

-Did you go to school in an asylum?

-Was it you?

-No!

-It wasn't me.

-It wasn't me!

-It is still going on.

It was the headmaster. "This is what I think of you!"

Maybe he was just a pervert!

"Let the children look at my poo. Look at my poo, children."

Any other nicknames in da house?

It is Adam, ladies and gentlemen.

Those of you who watch this show every week

will know Adam has been on before.

Once he threw up on someone's willy.

Another week he broke the frenulum of a man's penis.

-A lovely character, Adam.

-Yeah!

-I'm guessing your nickname involves a bum or a willy or something?

-Yes.

Basically, I was called, yeah, Toothbrush Boy.

That doesn't sound too bad, does it?

Apparently, on a school trip to Spain,

I shoved a tooth brush up my arse.

Did you floss afterwards?

I can't say I did, no.

-Did you really do it or not?

-I genuinely can't remember.

It does sound like something I would do, in all fairness.

-But I can't...

-I don't know about you,

but when I shove things in my bum, I tend to recall them.

You forget that I'm gay. It is a regular occurrence.

I hope you're not suggest...

Well...!

Give me your finger(!)

Two lovely heartwarming stories there.

Shit smeared on the wall,

the other poured Listerine into his ringpiece.

-Any embarrassing high school memories?

-I definitely have.

During a performance, I was doing ballet,

I had my point shoes on and this long tutu,

and I went into an air bask, and you step into it,

and my point shoe got caught on my skirt

and as I went up into it, my whole top came down

and then went back up as I came out.

How old were you?

I was like 12. Mosquito bites.

Get it out of your heads now.

Something makes me think that the Unzipped sample

-can maybe top that story. Russell.

-No doubt it can.

-But before we ask the Unzipped sample...

-Oh...!

..I thought we should delve into Greg's past!

Ha-ha! Cos I sucked a finger earlier!

Anyone want to see a school photo of a very young Greg James?

CHEERING

Check it out.

-Then the chin of power starts to develop in photo two.

-Don't!

That's two years ago. He's changed a lot, hasn't he?

You probably think Greg is a cool, music industry type person

hanging out with pop stars.

I dread to think what rebellious comments

are on Greg's school report.

"Greg has been an excellent deputy head boy.

"He has become a mature, independent young man

"with a wonderful sense of humour.

"He has a bright future ahead of him."

Right, sorry about that, Greg. Nerd!

I didn't get reports at the institution, of course.

Just progress on a chart.

Who's got into trouble at school? Anyone? The guy in front of me.

So...how did you get into trouble at school?

What mischievous scampery did you get up to, you tinker?

Well, back in the day, I had a nice English teacher

who I really fancied, so I thought I would show that appreciation

by using a wig that we were using as a pubic hair,

and flopping it out and cracking one out in class.

Hold on, d'you mean, you mock masturbated?

You don't mean you actually started...fully...

I was pulling it back and forth, getting it bigger.

You went at yourself like a chief at a tribal drum?

She ran out crying before I could get going properly.

A fun story, or as you might know it, sexual assault.

Heartwarming tale, there.

Anyone else? I'll just leave you

to think about what you've said on telly, there.

-What's your name?

-Lizzy.

-Shut up. How did you get into trouble?

I went to an all-girls Catholic school.

Oh, God! Greg, you might need to bring a cushion in a second.

What happened?

-We was really bored one lunchtime.

-Oh, God!

You're going to start lezzing off, aren't you? It is, isn't it?

We started playing spin the bottle.

-What, all girls?

-We just started kissing each other

and then the guy that worked at the offices opposite the school,

saw in, and rang in and complained

-and that's how I got in trouble.

-You started playing spin the bottle

and it just descended into all getting off with each other?

I knew this happened! I knew it wasn't just in my mind!

Back to you, Greg.

Can you remember your first kiss, not lesbian kiss, just kiss?

It was at a theatre or cinema with a boy named Herman, from Guam.

Herman.

-Herman.

-Really?

-Yep.

Let me just squeeze in. How hot are you? I'm going to get sunburn!

What's your name, Hotson McHot?

-Taylor.

-Taylor.

-When was your first kiss?

-I've never had a first kiss.

-So you've never been kissed in your life?

-No.

-How old are you?

-18.

-And you've never been kissed?

-No.

-How come? Is it morals, religion, or what?

-I'm waiting for a decent guy.

-Sort of like you, Greg.

-I'm Russell.

Every week, the girls prefer Greg.

Every week! That's unbelievable!

-Oh, my God!

-No, it's your face, but it's my name!

Having heard the amazing stories,

what have you learnt about the British education system?

Do you want to be on the first plane out of this shithole?

Well, thanks for sharing and I'm sorry

if you heard anything tonight that upset you.

Just remember, that lot don't get out much at all. They really don't.

How normal are you? Are you quirky, boring or completely gaga?

Check out Britain Unzipped on the BBC Three website.

Each week, we'll add new questions

to help you find out how your social life, work life, and even sex life

compares to the rest of Britain.

We'll provide you with a personalised report.

It's up to you whether you share it with your friends

or keep it as our little secret. Just go to bbc.co.uk/bbcthree

and click on Britain Unzipped.

Thank you for your applause.

But Russell and I have a very important announcement to make.

Thank you, Greg. Despite our attempts to provide

"a witty and vibrant snapshot of modern Britain..."

-Not our words, the words of the official BBC press release.

-Indeed!

We realise we might occasionally have overstepped the mark

in our attempts to, for want of a better word, entertain.

Crucially, we overlooked something, or more accurately, someone.

Fans will know Britain Unzipped contains risque language

and discussion of an adult nature, but we had forgotten about Lydia.

"Who's Lydia?", I hear you ask.

Lydia is one of those lovely people that do the signing version

of this show, for our deaf viewers.

And if you are nocturnal, like all deaf people, apparently,

you may have seen Lydia in action

-during a 4am repeat of this very show.

-Yeah.

As the following clip demonstrates,

we didn't take Lydia into account during a recent episode

when I used an elaborate simile involving a church candle

to describe a gentleman's ejaculate.

Let's dim the lights. Holly, do you have your torch at the ready?

-Oh, no.

-Are you ready?

With this light I shall reveal your antics of what you have been up to.

Let's just scan the sheet here.

SCREAMS

Oh, look at that!

-That's DNA!

-That's got a major one there.

Look at that.

It looks like someone's knocked over a church candle.

Can I buy you a drink?

Clearly Greg wasn't thinking about Lydia either

when he embarked on a conversation involving oral sex and vomit.

We were in a nightclub and when we started...

performing oral sex, I vomited.

LAUGHTER

Poor Lydia. Let's look at it again!

SLOWED DOWN SPEECH

APPLAUSE

We are both really sorry and promise never, ever to do that again.

From now on, we will watch our language. We will be more creative,

we will think first before saying things that may cause you a problem.

Yes, like hung like a horse, titwank, gonorrhoea and Jedward.

Yeah.

Or squealed like a big, reverse cowgirl, skidmark,

Katie Price and fuck me sideways. Good luck!

Sorry, Lydia!

APPLAUSE

Moving on, according to the Britain Unzipped report,

40% of us would like to speak to animals. Russ?

Yes, I can... I don't know if it counts as speaking to animals,

but I have trained both my cats, Keith and Wayne, to sit on command

and high-five, both of them, like that.

And, you know, when you split up with someone,

well, you learn how many tears a cat can absorb.

The question was, could we find somebody who believed

that this skill was possible?

Please welcome Andy and Layla.

APPLAUSE

Now, Andy got in touch with us, saying his wife Layla

not only loved animals, but would be the perfect person

to be involved in a new TV show that I was hosting.

What she didn't know was that the show was a fake.

-Layla, looking forward to it?

-I feel sick.

This is The Pet Whisperer.

Welcome to Brighton, where filming is just getting started for...oh, shush!

That's Aubury, an actor. He's playing our expert,

a modern-day Doctor Dolittle, who is going to "talk" to the animals.

Helping him are a couple of actors and their pets.

All are here with one goal in minute,

to make Layla believe that her cat, Max, can talk.

So, as soon as they arrive, clearly suspecting nothing,

the nerdy Britain Unzipped/Pet Whisperer,

oh, shush, camera crew, waste no time in getting the show going.

So, Dan, if you wouldn't mind,

-let's pop your dog onto the table.

-Come on.

Phase one, convince our mark that this is the real deal

so Aubury makes up some nonsense about the dog's spirit or something

and Layla gets sucked in.

Phase two. Push things a little further.

Will Layla believe everything that Aubury says?

When your lover comes around,

he is feeling a little bit left out and embarrassed

because, well, you had him neutered.

Yes. Yes, she will. This is too easy!

So, Aubrey has Layla convinced.

Time for Max the cat to air her dirty laundry in public.

On a national TV show.

-Why have you brought Max to see us?

-I just wanted to know if he's happy.

He's saying he used to enjoy spending lots of time with you

-on the sofa...

-Yep.

-..but doesn't do it too much now.

-Right...

-Does that mean...?

-He doesn't spend as much time any more, no.

-He doesn't?

-What he's saying is, he prefers a different type of programme.

-Right!

Oh, Britain Unzipped?

-Documentaries.

-Oh.

-Do you watch many documentaries?

-No.

-No. That's a bit rude!

He is saying the soaps are rotting your brain.

-CAT MIAOWS

-Yes!

That's right, isn't it?!

Now, what Max is telling me - don't take this the wrong way -

sometimes he feels you're talking down to him.

-OK!

-Do you talk to him like one of the kids?

-I do talk to him...

-Like a baby.

I wonder what Max has to say about Layla's other household activities.

Time for Aubrey to give it a little of what I like to call,

how the hell did he know that?

This is...

OK, are you sure?

OK. Now, he is asking a big favour of you.

When you go to the lavatory...

-Yes.

-Do you always shut the door?

-No...!

-For Max's sake, could you?

-Yes.

Max is asking you to apologise?

Well, I'm sorry.

-Try it like this. Dearest Max.

-Dearest Max.

I am sorry to leave the door open...

I am sorry to leave the door open when I am in the toilet.

And I promise to watch less soap operas and more documentaries.

-And finally...

-And finally...

I am sorry that he has completely stitched you.

Oh, my God!

Stitch-up over. Here comes our mole, Andy, but something tells me

he will be in the doghouse later, or divorced.

I can't believe you have done this to me!

APPLAUSE

Shush! The Pet Whisperer, shush!

Layla, have you taken on board the advice?

I mean, do you still poo with the door open?

-I have started shutting the bathroom door.

-Really?

-How does it feel watching that back?

-Embarrassing. Mortified is the word.

I think it is a great show. Thank you for taking part.

Please give my love to Max the cat. Andy and Layla. Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

On with the show and there is booze to be won. This is Celebs Unzipped!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Tonight we've learned a lot about the British public.

It is time to ditch the cheap seats and start mingling

with some proper celebs, and who better to lead us to the free bar

than Kimberly Wyatt?

APPLAUSE

It is time to find out what you know about British celebs.

This is our Celebs Unzipped board.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That is the most messed up thing I have ever seen.

-Oh, my God.

-That is amazing.

-Put me back in Ibiza, man.

This is our Celebs Unzipped board, you bastards. Where is it?

LAUGHTER

As you can see, there are beautiful

celebrity faces staring down at you from that board.

Names such as Jessie J, Christine Bleakley

and international superstars like Kirk Norcross from TOWIE, Joe Swash

and Stuart Baggs off The Apprentice. Series six.

All you need to do is pick one of the squares

and answer a question about the celebrity featured.

All the questions are related to the stats we have uncovered.

Mwahaha! Stats!

Get enough questions right and you will win something

for everyone in tonight's studio audience.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Get it wrong and we'll put you on an aeroplane

back to the bit underneath Canada.

LAUGHTER

This week's prize is Kimberley's favourite drink. What is that drink?

-Red wine.

-If this goes well, everyone wins...

# Red, red wine... #

And don't panic, audience. We will, of course,

be administering that wine in the form of shots.

# Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots, shots, shots! Everybody! #

Can I have the sort of music that promises tension,

even if the gameplay usually fails to deliver.

TENSE MUSIC

Yeah!

Kimberley, pick your first celebrity, please.

-Kirk.

-You are going to pick Kirk Norcross.

OK.

OK.

17% of people use social networking to find people they fancy,

but do you think that TOWIE'S Kirk Norcross does that?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Yes.

-Yes?

-Yes.

I use social networking to have sex, really.

It is just easy, isn't it?

When you're sitting on social network sites

at stupid o'clock at night when you come in from a club,

there is a lot of drunk people on the internet.

That explains a lot!

APPLAUSE

-We checked and Kirk tweets you a fair bit.

-Yes, he has.

I think I have got a few marriage proposals from him through Twitter.

-What did you say?

-I don't think I said anything.

Please pick a celebrity.

-Greg.

-Oh, right, me.

-Are you sure you mean him or do you mean me?

APPLAUSE

Never been kissed.

Talking of first kisses, we asked Greg to describe his first kiss.

Did he say... There is no winner here!

"Sloppy and wet, but I got a boner," or - please let it be this one -

"Tender and loving and I cried with joy?"

LAUGHTER

I don't know the answer to this.

Kimberley, what do you think Greg said? Audience, feel free to help.

SHOUTING

Boner.

Greg, what did you actually say?

What was your first kiss like?

It was sloppy and wet and I had a boner.

CHEERING

I can remember being in school uniform with loose trousers

and I to walk home...

You need one more for wine for everybody.

-You've done really well.

-What do you think? Swash?

CROWD: Swash!

-Swash?

-Right, let's go for Swash.

It is time for our Joe Swash question of the week.

We asked Joe which letter came after A?

LAUGHTER

Did he say "Smurfs" or, "I did a plop-plop"?

LAUGHTER

That's not a genuine question. It is just as bizarre, what we asked him.

We asked Joe if he had to have sex with an animal, what would it be?

A kangaroo, a dolphin or someone from Southend?

LAUGHTER

-A kangaroo or a dolphin?

-A kangaroo...

If he had to have sex with an animal, would he choose...

CROWD SHOUTS

What are you saying?

A dolphin?

-You are saying dolphin.

-Yeah!

-All right, let's have a look.

If I had to choose an animal to mate with,

I think I would choose an animal from the sea,

because I don't want to have sex with a furry thing.

I would have sex with a dolphin.

CHEERING

Which means you have won. Come and join us, Kimberly!

CHEERING Congratulations.

Thanks you to, Kimberly, everyone here tonight wins...

# Red, red wine...#

I want to dance with Kimberley!

That's all we have time for tonight. A huge thank you

to our special guest, Kimberly Wyatt.

CHEERING

Thank you to Ryan, Kimberly's opponent in Man Vs Woman,

and Layla and Max, the stars of Shh! The Pet Whisperer,

and, of course, Lydia.

We will be back next week with more strange results from that report.

You can go online any time and complete your own report.

Just go to the BBC Three website and click on Britain Unzipped.

-Thanks for watching, see you next time! Bye!

-Bye!

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd