Episode 5 Unzipped

We asked 500 unusual questions to thousands of British people.

The answers to those questions make up the Britain Unzipped report.

Previously, with the help of our stunning celebrity guests,

we've downed some booze, we've got all lovey-dovey...

-When did you lose your virginity?

-LAUGHTER

Thrown a massive party and gone back to school.

-They'd have, like, boots and shorts days.

-This is the best school ever!

Tonight, we will be hanging out with Charlie Brooks and Tinchy Stryder.

And finding out why we are obsessed with beauty and looking good.

-I'm deciding which dress to wear.

-Which one comes off easiest?

This is Britain Unzipped.

Stop ruining my childhood!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to Britain Unzipped! This is Russell Bilbo Baggins Kane!

And this is Greg Frost Giant James!

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

And this is the show that kicks open the door to your brains.

And stands there shouting, "What the hell is going on in there?"

With the help of the Britain Unzipped report,

we are putting behaviour under the microscope

because the special guests are Charlie Brooks and Tinchy Stryder!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Welcome to Britain Unzipped.

-Thanks.

-You good?

-Yeah.

-Do you watch the show?

-Yeah, I watched a little something.

-Did you like it?

-I liked what I saw. I was a bit worried.

-Yeah?

-What about?

-About, I dunno,

a couple of the things you discuss on here.

-Don't be worried.

-Right, so.

Just like thousands of people at home,

Charlie and Tinchy have risked public humiliation

by filing their own Unzipped reports.

We'll reveal their results soon.

Does it make you nervous? You are a bit apprehensive. Charlie?

Um...I have got butterflies in my tummy. I'll be fine, I'm sure.

-That is probably the gin you've been having.

-And red wine with cheese.

Mixing already! A good start.

We also have other questions.

-Such as...

-Would you rather be good-looking or clever?

-Or both, so...

-Yes!

Would you rather have a perfect body or achieve world peace?

Would you sleep with someone to get a promotion?

Plus we will be gazing into the mirror

to discuss the world of beauty and how much we care about looking good.

Except Greg, who doesn't even try any more - #shirts!

We could not do that without our gorgeous studio audience!

Plus, we will be hearing from this lot in the Unzipped sample!

They are rowdy tonight!

We'll be coaxing sensitive information from them like this,

how many of you guys, or girls, or guys, would like a boob job?

Hang on, they've all got small boobs. Disappointing.

How many boys would like a penile extension?

-Whoop!

-Just one!

Just one guy clapped at the front.

# Tiny-willy man! Man with a tiny willy!

# His penis is tiny, he'd like an extension

# Tiny cock! Tiny cock! #

Nothing to show!

And if that was not enough

to whet your appetite, we have this coming your way, on Britain Unzipped!

Men and women unzipped.

Who said writing percentages on a small white board was not fun?

71%, it's almost prime. Snort!

Well, we did. Which is why we spiced it up with some glitz,

some glamour and these X-rated scenes.

Sex Unzipped.

Russell goes under the covers

to explore Britain's unique approach to sexy time.

Charlie and Tinchy Unzipped and two more celebrities take the plunge

as we expose their odd behaviour purely for your entertainment.

It's Charlie Brooks and Tinchy Stryder.

Thank you both for coming on the show tonight.

We will be asking very personal questions.

-Are you OK sharing everything in front of each other?

-No.

-I am open.

-Yeah?

-Are you an EastEnders fan?

-I am...or I was.

-What happened?

I do not watch much TV now.

I'm hardly at home. When I am, I do watch it.

Do you think Tinchy would be on Janine's playlist,

or is she too busy messing up people's lives for music?

She's too busy being a bitch.

She listens to classical music whilst eating raw meat.

"This steak is raw, to my satisfaction!"

-I think Janine would be a fan because I am a fan of Janine.

-Oh!

From now on, Janine is a big Tinch fan.

I will get that in the script.

-You're a fan?

-I am a big fan.

-Yes?

Yeah.

I'm a fan, like, I can watch the telly on mute, that sort of fan.

Do you close the curtains?

Oh, my God! Are you actually doing this?!

Oh, you're there. Sorry! OK, Charlie, it is time to see how normal you are

compared to the rest of the women in Britain.

Tinchy, we do need your answers

but we are trying to find Britain's weirdest female celebrity.

You can say anything you like.

You can lord it and Charlie will have the audit for plaudits. Yeah!

Charlene Emma Brooks, are you ready for your normality questions?

Yes.

OK, so. First one,

how long can food be on the floor for it to still be edible?

-Five-second rule, baby.

-Five.

-Tinch?

-No, if the food touches the floor, leave it, man.

-Yeah.

-No, five-second rule.

What would you do, get a ho' to pick it up?!

LAUGHTER

I can't believe you just said that!

If the food falls on the floor...

although I did say before that I like Janine in EastEnders...

but if I met her and food fell on the floor

and five seconds later she picked it up and ate it.

-It's game over.

-No kissing after that.

I'm afraid that is not normal.

The average woman thinks food can be on the floor for just three seconds.

I do have an interesting fact.

According to a report, in the north-east -

the rest of the country is three seconds -

but people from the north-east

think food can be on the floor for 18 seconds and still be edible.

Where did that come from?

Next one, have you ever taken revenge on an ex?

No.

Well, you have taken revenge on a very famous ex, haven't you?

-What?

-Remember this?

I know that there is love in you.

We will find it together.

Get off me!

Aaargh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Greg! Greg!!!?

EASTENDERS DOOFDOOFS PLAY

Greg. Greg, get up.

Greg?

Ah! I got you! I got you!

Don't do that again, that wasn't funny!

You OK?

-That is not what we rehearsed, mate.

-All right. I'm still here.

I'm still here.

What if I had to do it with George Lamb or something?

It's OK. AUDIENCE: Aw!

You really scared me, Greg. I should probably say,

first of all, that it is normal.

-Only 14% of women have taken revenge after a break-up.

-Oh, good.

-It is not normal for girls to take revenge.

-Have you?

-I definitely have.

-What have you done?!

-Definitely have.

-What?

My ex, well, ex-ex, before I was with her for a while

and all the time I was with her, we did not really have much fun.

Then, when we split up and I became

"Tinchy" she wanted to know me again. So the revenge was sweet.

So what was the revenge?

I pretended I was interested again and then I saw her one night.

-Hard core.

-AUDIENCE: Boo!

APPLAUSE

Next one! Did you have a nickname at school?

-Hmm? Hmm?

-Yes.

What was it?

My nickname was... Charlie One-Boob.

How dark is this story?

Is it just one central boob?

Honestly, that would attract me more

because it would look like a Dungeons and Dragons monster.

-Strange.

-Oh, a tit goblin! Ah!

Yes, Charlie One-Boob was my nickname

cos I had one boob bigger than the other.

What was the difference?

Peanut and melon?

-I'll show you after, Greg.

-Yes, please.

-And...

That's not normal.

Only 33% of women had a nickname.

All right. Next one. Have you ever injured yourself during sex?

And would you like to?

-Oh, God!

-I think sometimes you feel a bit stiff the day after.

-What?!

-Like you have run a bit of a marathon, I suppose.

-You are a bit achy.

-A marathon?!

-Oh, God!

-And somebody runs on with a foil blanket?

Cover me! Cover me!

No, I have never had any bruises or broken anything.

Tinch?

-Have I been injured?

-Yeah.

I haven't but, I don't know,

no-one has complained about injuries but, yeah...

Not that they could speak afterwards.

Here is a leaflet about what has just happened to you!

I might make some leaflets.

Just leave them Googling!

That is normal.

Only 7% of women have injured themselves during sex.

You are normal. I am going to go into the Unzipped Sample

and find which of these guys has injured themselves in rumpy-pumpy.

So, who here has injured themselves shagging? Anyone? Don't be shy.

If you can still put your hand up! You might have snapped your wrist.

Excuse me.

-What is your name?

-It is Georgie.

-Georgie. Where you are from?

-Birmingham.

It does not sound like it, how posh are you?

I just live up north cos it's ironic!

Oh, God, there's factories. What is pov-er-ty?

Sorry, go on, what is your sex injury? Dirty wench!

Basically, with my partner at the time,

we were going at it,

I was on top and, you know,

towards the end when you get a bit more energetic, off we go.

-What do you mean, "Off you go"?

-Well, getting towards the end.

That's the most English start to sex. "Off you go, darling.

"Lovely. You are fully inside me and I'm now pumping."

Well, towards the end, getting faster, I went back down.

-Hang on. And you accidentally got up too high?

-Too high and back down.

-You bent his...

-I slightly crushed him.

-Ooh!

That would be a dick crush right there. That going to sting!

What did he do?

-Cried for about ten minutes.

-He cried!

-He actually cried?

-Yes.

-That is lovely.

Anyone else? This guy over here.

What is going on with your ears?

RUSSELL MAKES BEEPING NOISE

Downloading name. What is your name, user?

-Lawrence.

-What is your sex story?

-I got punched in the face halfway through.

-Why?

-Being kinky or something?

-No, the opposite.

She was on top and halfway through I said,

"That is enough, little piggy."

and she jumped off and punched me in the face.

Slightly uncalled for.

APPLAUSE

-Were you saying that to be erotic?

-No. Just a bit of banter.

She wasn't piggy?

A lovely gentleman, if you want to smash a misogynist

who will call you a pig, this is the guy. Back to you, Greg.

Just a bit of good banter, you know, standard.

That is the end of the questions, thanks for giving honest answers.

Charlie Brooks and Tinchy!

APPLAUSE

Charlie, we can now give you an Unzipped normality rating,

compared to our previous guests on the show.

The options are normal, odd / Christine Bleakley.

Christine had a thing for Phil Schofield sex, which was odd.

Weird / Kimberly Wyatt.

Insane / Holly Willoughby

and Emily Aytack from the Inbetweeners

and, finally, the home of Russell Kane, danger to society.

Menace to women and children and cats.

-No, don't bother with it.

-Yeah!

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

That is a new picture!

That is a new one.

Different to rehearsals!

That is the closest I will get to having that much pussy!

-Back to you, Charlie.

-Oh, Christ.

-We can now reveal that you are...

We have just been told that you are...very odd.

Oh, great. That's good.

You're more odd than a prime number.

-We should do a song together.

-Yeah, I'd be up for that.

I'd turn up to the studio and you wouldn't be there,

there'd just be a sign saying, "Not really, you wanker!"

Although we promised not to do this, Tinchy,

we are going to give you a rating anyway.

You are very, very insane.

Of course, that rating could change during the course of the show.

Do not moderate your behaviour.

Keep behaving as you are and we adjust your score accordingly.

And if you want to find out how normal you are,

remember to go online and complete your own Unzipped report.

-There's new questions every week, Russell.

-So exciting!

It's now time to link up with our Unzipped cameras somewhere in the UK

and seeing as we are talking about beauty, where better than Essex,

where six girls are getting ready to go out.

Looking good must be important in Essex,

because 41% of people in the South-east

would prefer to be good-looking rather than intelligent.

Before we meet up with the girls,

it might be worth giving the viewers

a brief guide to the language we'll be expecting to hear

with a basic spoken Essex lesson.

Russell is from Southend.

He will be speaking Essex and I will provide a translation.

The first phrase, please, Russell.

All right, babes.

Hello. LAUGHTER

She's well reem. I'm, like, very jel.

She's an attractive woman. I may experience feelings of envy.

That's like totes emoshe. Numsay?

I'm feeling emotional. Do you understand what I am saying?

Shuup. Those salted potatoes all vajazzle their nunnies.

Please be quiet.

Those good-looking girls have adorned their vaginas with sparkly crystals.

Just to be clear, though, it's not the vagina, it's the pubic mound.

-Now...everybody is up to speed!

-LAUGHTER

Let's go well live and that to Essex!

-Let's go live to Essex.

-Yeah. Sorry.

We're joining Ruby

and her friends as they prepare for a girls' night out on the town.

Hello, Ruby's house!

In through the door.

-It's a modest Essex pad.

-Nice house. Get the dog.

-There they are, look. Hi, Ruby.

-Hiya!

Ruby, who have you got there with you, babes?

At the moment all my girls and we're getting ready to go out.

"Aaaout." How many syllables in the word out?

"Oo-oo-aa-oo-oo-aaaout."

You are probably the perfect person

to tell us what preparation goes into a big Essex night out.

How long will it take you to get ready, babes?

It depends where you're going and what you're going out for.

Sometimes it can take a day. Obviously, we all meet up...

-We've all got a nail shop that we go to.

-A day?!

We start off the day by meeting

in the nail shop and we all have our nails done and take our time.

Have a drink, get ready together and go on from there.

-Now, let's have a snoop around chez Rubes.

-Ruby's house.

Ruby's house, sorry.

Next to me is Charlotte.

She's doing her nails, sorting herself out before we go out.

Over here I have my mum and her friends having a drink.

Hi!

At the minute I'm deciding which dress to wear.

I am thinking this one because it's been warm recently.

But what do you think? What one would you go for?

-Don't know. Tinchy, which one do you like?

-Which one comes off easiest?

-This one.

-That's the one.

What else have you got?

Through here I have got Kirsty, who's the hairdresser.

She's doing Laura's hair. Through here, this is Jade and this is Jade.

Jade does professional spray tanning and Jade's getting hers done.

-Hang on, you've got a spray tan in the house?

-Jade does it.

We get tanned before we go out.

-Is that permanently there?

-What are you talking about, the tattoo...?

We have a challenge for you tonight.

It's a challenge for everyone there, OK?

Fans of Britain Unzipped will know we have heard some amazing stories

from our studio audience, but the king of these stories

is our friend Adam from Bolton.

Adam, ladies and gentlemen.

Guess what? He's waiting for you outside your door right now!

Adam is a bit dirty but don't panic, you're safe.

It's also fair to say he's been a bit unlucky in love.

-Look at those flowers! All right, Adam.

-You all right?

CRACK!

Straight away with a bottom injury!

Adam has been unlucky. As we've just seen,

instantly he came in and the chair cracks.

He's confessed that also he managed

to vomit over someone during a tender moment

and another encounter ended with a trip to casualty.

We thought Adam would benefit

from some tender loving girly care. Some TLGC.

Your challenge is to give Adam the ultimate Essex makeover

and turn him into a dreamboat.

When he goes out tonight, men will find him irresistible.

How that comes about is up to you.

We'll come back at the end of the show to find out how you got on.

You could win a mystery prize.

-Do you accept the challenge, Essex girls?

-I think we accept.

Whoo!

The main thing is, at least Adam doesn't look awkward.

Good luck, Adam!

CHEERING

Man Versus Woman is up next.

Before that we're going to make a brave but regrettable decision.

We're going to send Russell to a teenager's bedroom.

Sexual lives of Brits begins right here in the teenager's bedroom.

These are the years when girls become girly swots

and start realising they're superior.

Boys, they descend into self-abuse

and they start working up their Popeye's forearm.

After practising self-love for long enough

we start practising on other people.

Although quite how 49% of you get to the point

where you fart during sex I have got no idea.

In the beginning, we're too shy to even poo in a new partner's toilet.

-I'll get dessert.

-Thank you, it was lovely.

There's no poo in me, just Beaudelaire and Beaujolais.

Look, I don't even have a bumhole, I've evolved it away.

Ooh, hello!

When we eventually do grow up and pair off,

winning is more about long-term love, accepting one another's faults

and getting to that magical point

where your partner farts in the other room

and you think they're speaking to you.

-HE FARTS

-What's that, babes? You love me?

Yeah. Yeah, he's being quite sweet recently.

The best British noise in bed, though, is just after breakfast,

when you're shagging and one of you has drunk too much tea.

Listen, you can hear her tea belly.

SLOSHING

At least it's British tea, though. Rule Britannia.

It's now time to play a game. But this is no ordinary game.

For this is a competition that pitches the finest men and women

of Britain against each other,

on a voyage of discovery that will test their mental powers

and push their endurance to the limit.

In this battle of the sexes,

Greg and I look down on these soldiers of fortune,

these gladiators of gender,

with the cold authority of Roman generals,

our words of wisdom dispensed in front of this baying mob

and recorded forever on tablets

of stone in the anals of history. Annals.

In the annals of history. Not anals, not the bum.

It's our job, nay, our duty

merely to judge the success or failure of our contestants.

We are and must remain entirely impartial.

Which was fine

until Greg got off with one of the contestants last week.

I can explain.

Kiss!

# Greggy loves Ryan, Greggy loves Ryan

# Greggy and Ryan in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G

# W-A-K...N-I-N-G... #

I do not love Ryan,

I have not been up any trees with him and I've not done anything.

Anyone who saw the show will know that clip was out of context.

I don't like short-arses anyway.

-You're telling me since last week you haven't texted Ryan?

-No.

-You haven't e-mailed?

-Absolutely not.

You haven't seen each other at all?

-Well, we might have spent SOME time together.

-Really?

MUSIC: "We've Only Just Begun" by the Carpenters

# We've only just begun to live

# White lace and promises

# A kiss for luck and we're on our way

# We've only begun

# Before the risin' sun, we fly

# So many roads to choose

# We'll start out walkin' and learn to run

# And, yes, we've just begun

# Sharing horizons that are new to us

# Watching the signs along the way

# Talkin' it over, just the two of us

# Workin' together day to day

# Together

# And when the evening comes, we smile

# So much of life ahead

# We'll find a place where there's room to grow

# And, yes, we've just begun... #

It's fine. Me and him are just good friends.

-Don't touch me.

-It was innocent fun. Innocent afternoon, innocent evening.

You're trying to make out I'm jealous and I'm not.

I'm lucky, I'm emotionally secure, I have a wide circle of male

and female friends and lots of pets.

Look, I'm happy on my own anyway.

So if I am spending a night with my pugs and cats, that's cool for me.

I watched Thor in my pants last night.

-Moving on. I think it's time we played this.

-I'm not lonely!

Representing men this week, he's from Southampton, he's single,

but "wouldn't rule out a relationship if the right one came along".

It's Jack.

Representing women this week, she's from Coventry, she's engaged

and she doesn't like hairy guys because they sweat too much.

It's Alana!

Jack, let's do your quick-fire gender specific questions. How old are you?

25.

-Where do you work?

-In Romsey,

-as a sales manager.

-Have you ever thrown up on a girl?

-HE CHUCKLES

-Yes.

GREG CACKLES "Ye-es."

Elaborate.

I went out and was in a nightclub, had three or four beers

and I started chundering and there's a girl...

I feel so bad for her now, but she was just stood there

and she had a chuckle like most people would,

so I decided my next chunder

was going all over her dress and her feet.

You horrible bastard!

I got a big slap around the face, as you can imagine.

-Would you do it again?

-In a heartbeat.

In Southampton that's the start of courtship.

"Bleeuurgh!" "Thank you, Gary!"

Your turn, Alana. How old are you, babes?

-24.

-And how long have you been engaged for?

-Five years.

-You got engaged when you were 19?

-Yeah.

"That's Harry Potter finished, right, get married."

Let's see what we're playing for.

Jack, you will be choosing from this selection of proper man prizes.

You could be taking away some novelty pants, a barbecue, motor oil,

a football, a bottle of Scotch and a screwdriver set.

And check this out.

The screwdrivers in that screwdriver set are corrosion resistant

with chrome plated steel bars for added strength and durability.

Up yours, Knowles.

Yeah. Yeah, take that, Beyonce.

-Nick Knowles.

-Nick, sorry, Nick.

-Nick Knowles, DIY guy, right?

-Yep.

Alana, feast your eyes on these girly cliches.

Tonight's prizes totally include a hot water bottle - oh, my God -

bubblebath, slippers, jim-jams, heated rollers,

a candle and a teddy bear.

APPLAUSE

Ahead of us we've got some questions all about the differences

between men and women so let's get started. Hit the lights!

LAUGHS

-What was that voice?

-Dunno.

-I liked it.

Here's a... Sorry. Here's the first question.

-Oh, for Christ's sake.

-What?

Why is so much of it about height?

Please write down your answers,

the closest one will win a prize.

Would you?

Would you go out with a girl that was taller than you?

-Absolutely not.

-Imagine how tall she would be.

DRAMATIC ROUND MUSIC

Erm, Jack?

-I've gone with 38%.

-Alana, what have you got?

60%.

I can now reveal the percentage of small minded women...

Five foot 10 average, there. The average height, me.

he percentage of women who wouldn't date a man shorter than them

is a whopping 49%.

Which means it's a draw, basically.

APPLAUSE

There's definitely a guy here who can give me some advice

on being shorter than his ladies.

I need some confidence boosting, man. What's going on?

-What's going on, bruv.

-Do you think that's quite a high statistic?

-That 49% of women wouldn't date a guy...

-He guessed 45.

-We have our own game.

-Do you find it a problem at all?

Personally, nah.

LAUGHTER

Have you ever been petted?

Has a girl ever gone, "Oooh," after sex or anything like that?

Nah.

LAUGHTER

How do you get around the height thing, confidence?

Tell you the truth, I'm not really attracted to girls who are

twice the size of me.

Twice the size would be mental.

When I said small, I was meaning height.

-That's the only small part.

-Yeah, yeah, exactly.

-I don't know about you.

-We've both got massive knobs, it's known.

That solves that.

All right, next question.

Write your answers down, closest one will win a prize.

As in, they wouldn't feel comfortable pooing in the public arena.

You can assume this means the toilets,

not in the middle of the dance floor

which is standard in parts of Essex, which will discover.

What have you got, guys?

I've gone with 76.

76% of women not comfortable pooing in a nightclub.

I put 20%.

20% of women... Well, I can reveal that the percentage of women

who do not think it's "ceptable" - Supernanny would say, not acceptable

"ceptable", yeah, would not think it's "ceptable to poo in a nightclub

is 46%, which means, Alana, you win the round.

APPLAUSE

Would you, er... Would you ever curl one out in a nightclub?

Oh, no, I've got this little phobia where I can't do in public.

I can in my own house, but that's it.

What about on holiday, do you just hold it and then do a diamond?

Even when you wee, you've got to bend to the side

-so you can't hear it.

-What?

-What?

Yeah, you've got to put paper down and then bend to the side slightly

so the wee goes round the side,

not straight down so you can hear it.

-That is not normal.

-No.

-That's not normal.

-This is why I don't go in public.

I've always wondered to those messy side pooers were. Now we know!

I wonder how the people of Britain feel about pooing?

I'm gonna go out and do...

No. No, no, no, no.

Yeah, I've got a mic and I'm gonna...

No! This is that bit of the show, like that unfunny walk

and at the end of it nothing happens. It's got to stop.

Chill out, Adolf Mugabe.

I don't need to do the walk anyway, do you know why?

Cos we've got audience there

and I'll just speak to one of those guys get their opinion.

Cool, chat to one of them. Quick.

Won't take a couple of minutes.

Just there, just there.

That one there at the front, there.

There!

Gone past him.

She looks perfect.

Sorry, guys, sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Could I just squeeze past you, is that all right?

Sorry, guys. Excuse me.

Excuse me, darling.

You look absolutely perfect, you.

Do you know what, sorry, can I...

Just have to move along, sweetheart.

Can you explain why nearly half of all British women are uncomfortable

-pooing in a nightclub?

-No.

-Back to you, Greg.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Russell.

OK, back to the game.

Write your answers down, please.

-What would you do?

-If we all had perfect bodies

then world peace would be achieved

cos we'd all just be banging all the time, wouldn't we?

It would be, "I kill you at the border,

"but I think you're quite fit,

"stick it in me instead."

Got a point, actually.

Jack, what've you written?

-54%.

-That's an S, do you want to turn it into a five?

LAUGHTER

-Alana, what have you got?

-40%.

This is one of the most depressing answers I've ever had two read out.

Given the option to end all war and suffering,

the percentage of women who said, "No thanks, I'd rather be able to

"fit into my jeans," is 42%.

CHEERING

Alana wins the round.

And the percentage of men who would rather have a perfect body is 41.

Jack, would you rather have the perfect body

or stop all global bloodshed? Think about it.

Erm... I'd have to go for perfect body now.

Really?

Are you proud of your body?

Erm, getting there now.

We just wondered because sometimes

it seems like you quite like showing off flesh.

Do you recognise this photo?

LAUGHTER

Can I just say,

for legal reasons we actually had to Photoshop out the nut sack.

What about this more tasteful one?

That was a long time ago. That...

Look at the two blokes behind you. "We're in here, lads."

Jack, explain yourself, young man.

We just went out to a nightclub and instead of getting women naked

on the stage, they asked for men to do it.

I was second and there was a guy wearing the boiler outfit

-and he, like, he makes me look bold.

-Really?

We do not want your displays of nudity

to affect your future relationships and job prospects

so we devised a way to ensure that you keep your kit on forever.

To save you from ever taking your clothes off again,

we've immunise the British public against your body.

Take a look at this.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The guy on the bike was my favourite.

He just... "Ooh."

Now, where were we? I think that was our final question,

so the winner of tonight's Man Vs Woman is...Alana!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And you win a star prize to go with your other prizes.

That is, of course, a bottle of wine and tissues.

There you go.

Jack and Alana, thank you both for taking part. Enjoy your prizes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And there'll be more Man Vs Woman next week, but this lot is still

heading your way tonight.

Charlie and Tinchy unzip.

They've talked revenge, nicknames and sex injuries,

but what else will Charlie Brooks and Tinchy Stryder get off

their chests tonight?

-Have you got a hairy chest?

-I'll show you after if you want.

Essex unzipped. "All rights, babes?"

Will the girls be ready in time for their big night out on the town?

Let's hope so, otherwise they will be well aggro.

Celebs unzipped, and its celebrity confession time later,

so keep watching to find out what Russell, Fearne and Joe

have got to say about grannies, nostrils and underpants.

Shame on you!

According to the unzipped report, 58% of us would consider cosmetic surgery

and if we won the lottery, it would be an absolute priority

for 8% of us, ahead of giving money to friends and family

or quitting our jobs.

Charlie and Tinchy, you're probably under pressure to be beautiful,

do you feel that, would you consider plastic surgery?

-Um, I think I probably would at some point.

-What would you do?

Er, I dunno.

Well, I do, but I'm not going to tell you.

That would be revealing all my flaws.

I dunno, I'm definitely not into botox or any of that.

Tinchy, imagine your 80-year-old Tinchy Stryder,

still spitting the bars...

-Spitting the bars.

-..but your face has dropped.

would you have a little tuck, maybe, a bit of Botox?

-If I was how old?

-80.

-80 and then I was still spitting the bars

and my face dropped, I would drop the mic.

Drop the mic? Psyche!

Yeah.

Are their physical features that would put you off

-a prospective partner?

-There's one thing for me, definitely,

like, with the man, bad teeth.

Bad teeth?

That's the one thing. I quite like a little belly on a man.

What don't you like about girls?

Personally, I like girls with a nice little bum.

-Curvaceous.

-Yeah, so if it's too flat for me...

Don't worry if you're flat, it's cool.

-Just not for Tinchy.

-Just not for me.

-OK.

-Yeah.

-Russ?

-Well, I'm certainly glad I had my scrotal bleaching done.

LAUGHTER

I also had a pancreas lift.

Now, who here would have surgery if money was no object?

APPLAUSE

-Quite a lot of us. Who's taken that next step, who's had it done?

-Me.

There's one.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, me.

-Can I sit that side of you, babe?

So, go on, what have you had done?

-You look great, you don't need anything done.

-Thank you.

I lost a lot of weight so I had my boobs uplifted and implanted

and I had some veneers, and next week I'm getting my veins

taken out of my legs, not all of them, but a few.

LAUGHTER

-Let's have a look at the picture of you before.

-OK.

SHE LAUGHS

I think you look hot, I would've done you.

Well, I wish I'd have known. Yeah, I've lost nine stone now.

-What?!

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-We're so happy for you.

This is how much weight you can lose on the programme.

This is a winner right here.

All righty then.

So, what happened? You lost weight and your boobs were like,

"Hey, what's happened to us?"

And you were like, "Where are my nipples? What's that on the floor?"

Arrrgh!

-The surgeon said he'd never seen boobs like it ever...

-That's nice.

They were so small, so, yeah.

How much incentive is that? "I'm sure it can't be that bad...

"Waaah! The worst I've ever seen! Tiny, tiny, tiny!"

-So, yeah...

-How much where your boobs?

It was around nine grand for the uplift and the implant.

Did you pay on credit or save up first?

-Was it the money you'd saved on Snickers?

-Yeah...

LAUGHTER

I'm laughing, but it's true.

Erm, yeah, actually my dad loaned me the money.

I told him I had something wrong with my stomach

and he believed me and gave me the money and I got a boob job.

-Sorry, Dad.

-Back to you, Greg.

Have you ever had any beauty malfunctions,

like bad haircuts or anything like that?

-Bad treatments.

-Oh, several.

I think I had a wax once and it made me bleed.

A bikini wax.

GROANS

Laser.

Yeah, I had a wax and it kind of...

You can have a bad wax and it does make you bleed.

In case you ever have a bikini wax.

-Erm, but that's it.

-Do your waxes make you bleed, Tinchy?

I've never had no wax.

Have you got a hairy chest?

Nah, I've got not... I'll show you after if you want.

LAUGHTER

Oh, God. I'm going to leave them to it. Russell.

Who's Louis?

Louis.

Now, Louis, what was your fashion faux pas?

-Nice hair, by the way.

-Thank you.

Basically, er, a couple of weeks ago my best friend dyed her hair.

She wanted to peroxide blonde it.

-Right.

-Obviously, I've got quite dark hair. I thought, might as well,

something a bit different...

-Yeah.

-and, er, so I dyed it, just did my quiff, just the front bit.

Imagine that.

LAUGHTER

Wanker!

And erm... Yeah, so it went blonde at first

and then it started to go ginger,

but I was getting loads of banter from my friends just saying

I look like you, so I got rid of it.

What?! Let's have a look at it.

So your fashion disaster was you accidentally looked more like me?

-Yeah, basically.

-Back to you, Greg.

That's pretty impressive and I think you're the only people...

Can I just stop you there, Greg?

Do you mind if we stop for just one second?

I think we've got time just to ponder how well-groomed

you were when you were a kid.

-Oh, my God.

-Who would like to see a photo of that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I thought so.

Here's a very young Greg already rocking a celebrity look.

Check this out.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Clearly he was already used to the VIP treatment even at an early age.

Urgh! Look at the shorts.

A bit too tight!

Slightly too tight! Slightly too tight!

Stop ruining my childhood!

Anyway, we're off to Essex next but before that,

why don't you do what hundreds of thousands of people

have already done and check out the Unzipped report online.

I'm sorry, Greg - not!

How normal are you? Are you quirky, boring or completely gaga?

Check out Britain Unzipped on the BBC Three website.

Each week, we'll add new questions to help you find out how your

social life, work life and even sex life compares to the rest of Britain.

We'll provide you with a personalised report.

It's up to you whether you share it with friends

or keep it as our little secret. Just go to bbc.co.uk/bbcthree

and click on Britain Unzipped.

Right. Let's link up with our cameras in Essex

to see how Ruby and the girls are getting on.

As Ruby and her mates were getting ready for a big night out

when we joined them earlier, we gave them an extra makeover challenge.

Their challenge was to help unlucky-in-love Adam

from the Unzipped audience.

We're going to help him get lucky tonight by turning him

into a well-reamed stud muffin.

-Oh, translate - a good-looking gentleman.

-Sorry.

And if they impress Charlie with their bare skills,

they get their hands on a mystery prize.

Charlie, do you think Adam's going to be looking good?

I don't know, I'm frightened about what he'll look like.

Hopefully it'll be an improvement.

Let's remind ourselves what Adam looked like

when he turned up earlier.

There he is. Look at that. That is the face of a killer, isn't it?

That's someone who's going to go take out everyone.

IMITATES A MACHINE GUN

"You shouldn't have mocked me at work!"

Right, I think it's time we go back to Essex. Let's go.

Hi, girls!

Girls, you all look incredible.

I especially like your outfit that Tinchy Stryder chose earlier, Ruby.

-It's good.

-Thank you.

So the question is, will Adam look as good as those...you.

LAUGHTER

When we delivered Adam we asked you to transform him

into the ultimate Essex love magnet.

So jaw-droppingly gorgeous

he'll definitely not be going home alone tonight.

Let's see what you've done. Please reveal Adam in three, two, one!

Ta-da!

-Is that supposed to be me?

-That's you!

-It looks familiar.

-Why has he got an Elvis wig on?!

-Go stand there.

-No, I'm not going to stand near it.

-Stand by it, stand by the wall.

I hate you, Greg! I'm not doing it!

APPLAUSE

He looks so small, doesn't he?

I don't have Elvis hair, do I, you dick!

Tell us what was involved in that amazing makeover.

OK, starting from the top, his hair, Kirsty dealt with that

because she's a hairdresser. He wanted to go for this look.

I'm not quite sure,

cos we're used to the side-parting Martins in Essex,

but it seems to work.

His base colour was done by Jade who spray tanned him.

We topped it up a little bit on his face

with foundation and a bit of eyeliner around his eye

just to make him look a little bit more beautiful.

And then if you look at his ear as well, we also drew on

an earring because some people seem to be doing it but I'm not sure why,

just get it pierced.

Anyway, his outfit, we all sort of put it in together.

We rustled it up.

Not sure about the badges and things like that,

but hey-ho, it seems to work altogether.

The trainers look wicked with it

and I think he's going to pull with us tonight.

-Adam, how do you feel? Do you like the new look?

-Yeah, it's quite nice.

I do like it.

Is that how you see me, Rubes? Is that how you see me?

-Yeah, you're beautiful, babe, that's how I see you.

-Yeah!

Based on that, Charlie, do you think they deserve the prize?

Yes!

Congratulations, Ruby, you've won!

Now you've won and seeing as you're already hitting

Brentwood's finest club later,

we've upgraded you to the VIP section. How about that?

Wicked! Woo!

I was going to come and join you

but now there's a humiliating doppelganger,

I don't think I'll bother. Plus...

You can come down, what's better than two of you?

I don't know, two of those.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God. Right.

Listen, we've also given you a deluxe hangover cure

ready for when you wake up tomorrow.

As Adam will be with you and we know he can be a liability,

we've also included a first aid kit, a GPS ankle bracelet

and the address of a local drop-in clinic.

Thank you so much for letting us

go into your house, and have an amazing night. Thank you!

Thank you. See you!

So that's Ruby sorted out with prizes but what about our studio audience?

That depends on how Charlie and Tinchy get on in Celebs Unzipped

and that is coming up right after this.

Greg! Greg!

Tonight we've learned a lot about the British public,

but now it's time to jump straight to the front of the queue and impress

the bouncers with our celebrity plus ones,

and they are Charlie Brooks and Tinchy Stryder.

Charlie and Tinchy, it's time to find out what you know

about your fellow British celebs, this is our Celebs Unzipped board.

As you can see, there's some beautiful celebrity faces

staring down at you from that board.

Including influential artists whose work is redefining

the contemporary musical landscape. Katy B, Rihanna,

and half of defunct boy band Blue -

Antony Costa and Simon Webbe,

forced to humiliatingly share a square to make up

the necessary celeb credits.

All you need to do is pick a square and answer a question

about the celebrity featured.

All these questions are related to the stats we've uncovered.

Get enough questions right and you'll win

a drink for everyone in tonight's studio audience.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And this week's prize is a very classy cocktail.

Yeah, so if this goes well, everyone wins a mojito.

# Papa Americano... #

MUSIC STOPS

So, Miss Brooks and Mr Stryder, the pressure is on.

Can I please have the sort of music that promises three things -

A, tension, two, drama and C, it makes the camera go, ooohh!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

That's the stuff.

Kinda perfect. Charlie and Tinchy pick your first celebrity, please.

-Who do you think, Tinch?

-Fearne Cotton.

-OK.

68% of women would consider plastic surgery,

but when we asked Fearne what one bit of cosmetic surgery

she would have, did she say nostril reduction or boob uplift?

I think you need boobs to have an uplift. So...nostrils.

What are you saying?

You know what? Nostrils. Nostrils.

Is her answer nostrils? Let's find out.

Most people are going to go, "Uh, your nostrils probably." Erm, no.

Say I have kids one day and these are a bit low, I might have them

all hoofed up, but I don't really like the idea of any of it,

but that would be the one if they were really swinging by the knees.

-Fail.

-It was wrong.

-Pick another one, please.

Let's go with my old colleague Joe Swash.

It's now time for the Joe Swash question of the week.

LAUGHTER

69% of British men prefer wearing boxers to any other

type of underwear, but when we asked Joe Swash what he likes to wear,

did he say boxers or, it depends on the weather?

It depends on the weather, knowing Joe, he's a bit of a cheeky chap.

OK, let's have a look.

So, pants, what pants do I wear? Which do I prefer?

It's like a seasonal thing.

You should wear tight boxers in the winter, you know,

keep everything warm and in place.

Then in the summer, it's a little bit hotter, you want to be freer,

let things wobble about a little bit,

you wear the loose boxers.

In the summer, the height of the summer,

you just put Y-fronts on or do what I do and don't wear no pants.

So, you were right. That's good. That's good.

Pick another, please.

-Jeff Brazier.

-OK.

5% of men have drunk their own urine.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Girls, chill out.

Do you think Jeff Brazier has?

He's a lad, innit!

-Yes.

-I think he has.

-Let's have a look.

I have drunk my urine many a time.

When I was about 19 or 20, I had a particular group of friends,

could not have had any more fun than with these guys.

But when one lad would go to the toilet we would grab their drink

off the bar and all basically have a go at squeezing some wee into it.

Lads! Lads!

It's only lads together!

-We are just lads!

-Amazingly, that's correct.

-Yes!

Very good.

-Pick another one, please.

-Who do you think? Maybe...

-Russell.

Let's go Russell.

Here is the Russell question.

-We asked Russell if anyone had ever caught him masturbating.

-Yes!

-We know it's a yes.

-OK.

-But who caught him?

-AUDIENCE: Mum.

-His mum or his nan?

Shame on you!

His grandma.

You are saying that Russell's nan

caught him doing shots with himself.

-Did your nan catch you doing shots with yourself?

-Yes.

How embarrassing.

How was it? Paint a picture.

I will do the concise version.

-Is that a true story?

-I am afraid it is.

My mum is in the audience. This is a bit awkward.

You know when you have been clubbing until 6.00am

and you have been near the speaker...

-White noise.

-Right. I got in at 6.00am, my nan was already up,

alcoholics get up early.

I didn't hear her, she was knocking to see if I was all right,

cos I come in quite late.

I can't cope.

I was already at it on the bed,

completely naked with a paper-based porn crescent.

LAUGHTER

I didn't hear anything

and you know like in real life when something really surprising happens

you don't have time for what I call a white-arse get-out,

which is a, "Get out!"

I just completely froze, the door opened and I was like...

It gets worse.

What's the worst possible thing you can say at that moment,

but also the most natural, is this?

"Nan!"

There was just a pause and nothing happens.

One of the worst moments of my life.

She went out of the door, closing it really slowly and these -

this is what she said, "I am sorry, love, I am just so sorry for you."

-That is...

-Brilliant.

I think I have been brought up quite nicely. Well done.

So, you have won tonight. Amazingly!

Thanks to you two, everyone here tonight has won mojitos.

# Papa Americano... #

That's all we have time for tonight.

A huge thank you to our special guests, Charlie and Tinchy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks to Jack and Alana from Man Vs Woman,

-and Ruby and the girls in Essex.

-Shut up! Random.

We will be back next week for the final episode.

Until then, don't forget you can complete the Unzipped report online,

just go to the BBC Three website.

Thanks for watching and see you next time.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd