Episode 8 Unzipped

This programme contains adult humour

Hello and welcome to a very special edition of Unzipped,

to look back at some of my favourite moments of the series.

-I'm Greg James, and...

-Hello?

Hey, guys, what's... What's going on?

You all right? Just...

I'm just doing a "best bits" programme thing.

What are you doing here?

Um...

I left something in the studio last week,

so I thought I'd pass the, um...

There it is, the old retractable.

-Right.

-What's the, er...? Maybe I missed an e-mail or something?

-No, they just want me to do this, sort of...

-I get it. No, I get it.

Very clever, guys.

Cos I'm in so much of the programme, it would look a bit...arrogant,

-if I was hosting the best bits.

-No, it's not that.

-Yes, but...

Greg... I'm also... I've been around a bit.

I've got another series on BBC Three, I've got a novel out,

I won the Edinburgh comedy award, right?

I know when it's time to don the old humility cap.

I also know, invited or not, when it's time to muck in. OK?

Let's crack on. I'll just...

What are we doing, the opening links, guys, yes? Let's roll.

You all right for coffee? Let's do it.

(OK.)

Hello, and welcome to the best of Unzipped.

I'm Greg James and on tonight's show, we'll be looking back

at some of our favourite guests,

unzipping some previously unseen footage

and awarding the prestigious...USCA,

the Unzipped's Strangest Celebrity Award.

And to whet your appetite, here's a taste of what you can

look forward to over the next 45 glorious minutes.

And I'm Russell Kane.

CHEERING

Welcome to brand-new Unzipped!

-Please welcome our special guests, Fearne Cotton...

-That is excellent!

-Danny Dyer...

-Always a rat.

Louis Smith...

CHEERING

Sara Cox!

Laura Whitmore!

-It's Dappy!

-I'm the new age Bear Grylls.

Heidi from the Sugababes.

It's Jerry Springer!

-I'm gay!

-I love him!

Nancy Dell'Olio!

The absolutely gorgeous Emma Bunton...

What's it like having a person inside you?

Danny and Harry from McFly.

Example...

-I'm a singer, by the way, and a rapper...

-I know that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Unzipped.

In...excusable.

We've had some big names on the Unzipped sofa

this series - Louis Smith from the Olympics, Danny Dyer

from the movies, and Jerry Springer from the US of A, to name but a few.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry! (Sorry.)

And armed with the results of the Unzipped report,

we found the perfect excuse to ask all of them

a load of questions that are absolutely none of our business.

Here are some of our favourite revelations. Ladies first.

Were your schooldays the best days of your life?

-No.

-Why?

Cos these days are way better, cos I'm not at school!

LAUGHTER I don't know, I way prefer...

Preferred being, you know, in my young 20s

and going out and having a laugh rather than studying!

In many ways, you're like a modern-day Macaulay Culkin.

Wow, thank you(!)

Well, I mean... We watched you grow up, on telly.

I remember being at school, watching you on telly.

-You were on Diggit, weren't you?

-Oh, yes. Back in the day!

You won a competition to be a presenter, back in the day.

-Yes, Disney Club.

-Remember it well?

-Don't do this to me.

-What?

-LAUGHTER

-Do what?

-I think she's implying we've done some cruel research.

-Come on!

This is BBC Three, man. We haven't got those sort of resources.

Oh, wait - yes we have!

Remember, it's up to you. It's your chance to vote for

which girl you'd like to see presenting on the Disney Club.

Hi, my name's Fearne Cotton and I'm 16 years old.

My friend nominated me for this competition and I love to dance,

sing and act and I've wanted to work in TV since I can remember.

I love Taylor Hanson and Brad Pitt and I live on Fruit Pastilles.

Anyway, I hope to speak to you soon, bye!

Fearne, do you remember what you looked like before?

This is what you look like now.

Oh, wow - that's excellent. Oh, I love it. Thank you so much!

We're going to find out who you voted for.

The new Disney Club girl presenter is...

Fearne Cotton!

-Well done, Fearne!

-Congratulations, mwah!

-Well done, Fearne.

-How do you feel?

-I can't believe it, thank you so much.

-Gie's a kiss!

Don't be shy!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-It is amazing.

-You know what?

-I've never seen that.

-Really?

I've never, ever seen that. That is just... Look at my fringe!

I was so common, as well! I've got more posh as I've got older.

When you were revealed, you went, "Oh, that is excellent!"

If the world was taken over by zombies,

would you kill yourself or take your chances?

-I would take chances, of course.

-How would you...?

Well, I'd try to convince them, to explain how we live and...

Whatever we do.

Probably they are much more normal than us.

I like the idea of Italian zombies being a bit superior.

Maybe we'll have some wine with our brains or something...

Have you ever, Amanda, fallen out with someone after sending them

a text or e-mail by mistake?

Yes, I have.

Um, I've sent a text, well, a sext to the wrong person!

To my agent in Australia and he never responded to it...

Until he turned up at your house, naked...

Well, yes, I've got a lot of work down under since then...

No, no - not like that!

No!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

NO!

I mean in Australia!

I was shocked to find out, when we were doing our research

for this show, that you weren't the original Baby.

No, I WAS the original Baby, but there was another girl

in the band,

-but she wanted to go back to university.

-Gutted.

Bet she's glad she's got that degree in Media Studies now.

The thing is, what you don't know is there was someone else.

-She wasn't the first one they hired.

-Oh, really?

Yes, we found very rare footage...

-Have you got it? How embarrassing!

-Yep.

-You're joking.

# Free your mind of doubt and danger

# Be for real, don't be a stranger

# Take it or leave it

# Take it or leave it

# Come a little bit closer, baby

# Get it on, get it on

# Cos tonight is the night

# When two become one

# I need some love like I never needed love before

# Wanna make love to you, baby

# I had a little love Now I'm back for more

# Wanna make love to you, baby

# Set your spirit free

# It's the only way to be... #

Russ, isn't it amazing,

the information that you can glean from a celebrity

under the guise of asking innocent survey-based questions?

Maybe it's because girls are more emotionally mature,

they feel confident about opening up and expressing themselves.

They don't have that insecurity attached to it.

They're often more advanced linguistically...

-Yeah. Bloody birds, eh?

-Anyway, here's some blokes. Hray!

-Hray!

Would you watch a friend's sex video if it was leaked online?

LAUGHTER

-It was a legitimate question in our survey!

-It is a survey question.

I think I would, yes.

CHEERING

-Have you ever played that text roulette?

-Oh, yeah.

-No, what's that?

-Text roulette, it's amazing.

You give someone your phone,

spin it and whoever you land on,

you've got to text what the group says.

-I haven't got that many people, Danny.

-You haven't, have you?

-No!

God, we're at the bottom already, in one swipe!

Who's Brian?

-Brian is so random.

-No surname in there.

Brian is my old neighbour's friend.

-Do it.

-He must be in his 60s.

-No!

I played a couple of rounds of golf with him, randomly...

We'll just do like, I know this is random, and a bit inappropes...

Oh, God!

But when we played golf that time,

I have not been able to stop thinking about you.

-Oh, God!

-PS, have you seen Attitude Magazine?

Come on, Leo Tolstoy - wrap it up!

Just show it to the camera, prove it's sent. Send it. Do it.

ALL: Oooohhhh!

APPLAUSE

That is going to be so weird, trying to explain that to him.

We knew you were going to be a guest today,

so we prepared a bit of gymnastics between us.

What we want you to do

is say whether we'd get gold, silver or bronze.

Is fourth an option?

LAUGHTER

You tell me. Come on. Let's go.

-So remember, you go on three...

-Yeah.

-(It's going to look so shit.)

-It won't look shit!

LAUGHTER

Guys, just before we go, can I get clearance for the lights?

Am I all right? I wouldn't want to hit it at the launch.

Is this going to be dangerous?

Have we got any drumrolls or any sound effects?

-DRUMROLL

-Wicked.

FANFARE

CHEERING

Yes, it's not bad. Not bad at all.

Good luck stepping up to that.

What, you want me to do something?

-Yes, what you got? Beat that, big guy.

-Do I get a drumroll?

DRUMROLL

WHOOPING

CHEERING

Your daughter's called Dani, isn't she?

-That was a short brainstorm, wasn't it?

-Yes, I know. Well, no...

We were told we were having a boy. I was going for Danny for a boy...

-You know you could've changed it.

-No, no...

-Danny with three Ns.

We stuck with Dani, so she's Dani Dyer, unfortunately, bless her.

I can't even imagine it. All I've got is a pug called Colin.

If anyone looks at him, yeah, I stab them in the eyes. That's just me.

-What's it like...?

-It's hard work.

It's weird because just recently, she's asked if he could stay over.

Her boyfriend's a nice kid, I like him, she's got to live her life,

but I tell you what, it fucking...

OK, so imagine I'm 18,

I'm sort of, like...nerdy, lanky...

It's hard to imagine, Greg, yeah.

Just work with the idea, OK? So I'm 18,

I'm interested in Dani, your daughter.

-I'll come round to your house.

-Just even saying that, I want to do ya.

LAUGHTER

It's role-play, don't punch me.

So you're going to ring the doorbell,

OK, I'll just get my shotgun.

DOORBELL RINGS

DOOR CREAKS

Hello. Hiya.

Um, is your daughter in?

LAUGHTER

Why?

No reason, bye.

LAUGHTER

CAR ACCELERATES AWAY

Very realistic, I thought.

We had done a bunch of shows, you know,

where there was all this fighting, so I come out one day and say,

you know what, we've had enough fighting.

-Today, we're going to have a romance.

-Bring in the horse!

A love story. We start out, "Here's Bob."

Bob is sitting on a chair on the stage.

-Is Bob the horse, or the person?

-Bob is the person! So I say,

"Bob, what's going on?"

He says, "Well, you know, my wife, I'm upset with my wife."

I said, "Why, did she cause problems? Does she fight?"

"No, she's nice, we get along." You know, couple of questions like that.

I looked at the card, cos I just had names,

and it said, "Let's bring out Pixel."

All of a sudden, out comes this horse, Pixel!

But here's what was really weird -

as opposed to what I've just talked about.

Every time I stood between Pixel and Bob,

Pixel pushed me out of the way.

I mean, there was really a sick eye contact.

We had a similar scandal here when Charles married Camilla, of course.

LAUGHTER

-Did he text back, by the way? From those messages?

-Yes.

-I felt my phone buzz.

-Oh, no!

So you send him, "Brian, I know this is a bit random,

"and inappropes, but when we played golf that time,

"I've not been able to stop thinking about you. What does this mean?

"H x PS - Have you seen the latest Attitude Magazine?"

-So, Brian replies... ten minutes later.

-How old is Brian?

-I guess he's in his late 60s, early 70s.

-Oh, no.

-OK, is the text in capitals?

-It's all in capitals!

It's one letter per three seconds.

Brian says, "Hi, H - nice to hear from you. Hope you and Izzy are OK.

"I'm at Dolly's..." - which was my neighbour - "..at the moment,

"in her bungalow. How's your golf? We must have a game sometime."

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If we weren't doing the same thing every day,

I would want to be a pop star and I'd want to be you.

-I've done my own version of your video for Kickstart.

-Remix alert!

# And the love kick starts again

# Starts again

# It kick starts

# It's the same old you the same old me

# You get bored then I get cold feet

# Get high, get wandering eyes

# Forget I've never ever had it so sweet

# I realise what I've got when I'm out of town

# Cos deep down you're my girl in a golden crown, my princess

# And I don't want to let you down

# It kick starts again

# Start to think it could be fizzling out

# Kinda shocked because I never really had any doubts

# Look into your eyes imagine life without ya

# And the love kick starts again. #

Russell, do you know

what my favourite part of last week's show was?

-No.

-Yeah, you do.

It was the bit when I wrote, directed, produced and starred

in my own gangster movie, to try and impress Danny Dyer.

-Yeah, I do remember that. Did he like it?

-Hard to tell.

LAUGHTER

# So messed up, I want you here... #

You are pathetic. Pay up, you useless wanker.

# Laying right down in my favourite place

# In my room, I want you here... #

Sorry.

# Now we're gonna be face-to-face... #

It's time for the main event.

CLOCK TICKS

Go!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeaaahhh!

So... What's your one-word review of that?

LAUGHTER

Dogshit.

-Sorry, that's out of order.

-Yeah.

You know what? We've had a laugh doing Unzipped, haven't we, Russ?

-You're telling me!

-Well, it's been a bit of a rollercoaster

-with you though, at times.

-Yes. ..What do you mean?

You know - you've been a bit all over the place

with your emotions this series, Mr Grumpy Chops.

But at least we can laugh about it now. That's the main thing.

-And it provided the viewers with some fun, as well, so...

-Oh, did it?

Yeah. The audience love it when you storm off. A bit of panto.

Oh, well I'm glad everyone's been enjoying "the panto".

What does that make me? Christopher effing Biggins?

Just chill out, just sometimes you're a bit highly-strung.

Maybe it's your hormones.

You know what, I'm so sorry that I'm a human being.

Up yours, Greg James. You lanky streak of...

..of...of piss!

That's a shame. Pathetic.

Is it?

-Greg?

-Yes.

-What things do I do that annoy you?

-Nothing, really.

-Go on, there must be something.

Um... You eat with your mouth open, talk about your pets constantly...

-I do that!

-You drive a seven-seater Prius hybrid

and you always go on about your relationships, never ask

about mine and I think you're a bit self-obsessed and needy.

It's not funny just to make me the butt of your joke. It doesn't work.

It's about self-deprecation, that's how it works.

She liked me more than you,

she was 6'3½" so like, me and her were perfect,

when you were going out with her,

it looked like she was going out with a toddler.

You mean Helen, the one who dumped me when she got her corneas fixed?

I actually properly hate you for that, Greg. Just break for a minute.

-What you mean?

-I'm going to make it easy for you.

You won't have to fit me in, cos I won't be there.

-I ain't gonna be here now.

-What?

-I'm sorry, I need a minute.

-You're going?

I'm going to spend some time on my own now, is that needy?

You're an idiot, Greg.

Oh, and by the way, the Prius does 74 miles to the gallon, dick!

APPLAUSE

Oi, oi, oi. What the eff is going on?

Greg, there's no need to swear, one,

and secondly, that thing out there in Fearne - is it yours?

-Have I got blood on this jumper?

-What are you...? No, why?

Because I've been stabbed in the back, mate, that's why.

Of course it's not my baby. Get a grip.

Your mugging yourself right off, man up a bit, look at ya!

You're pathetic. What kind of geezer wears clobber like that?

-It's not...

-Hold up a minute, hold up.

What about the make-up? Get a grip! You look like a bird!

Me and her, we go to lunch.

So mates go for lunch, why don't you and I go for lunch?

-We can go for lunch.

-When, tomorrow?

-Can't do tomorrow.

There's so much going for you. Are you all right?

Girls falling at your feet, as well. It's just everything...

Thanks, cheers. Cool.

All right, yes. You're not Russell Howard funny. I mean, he's...

Different ballpark.

Look, I didn't mean it and you know I love you.

Come here.

Oi! What you lot doing?

# I guess now it's time...

# For me to give up... #

-Friendship is more important. So why don't you just hug?

-Good suggestion.

-Hug Greg, not me!

-Right.

I'm sorry, Greg!

# Whatever I said Whatever I did

# I didn't mean it I just want you back for good... #

-Do you know what my favourite part of this best of show is?

-No.

It's when we take an iconic moment of popular culture

then recreate it shot-for-shot, but with a unique Unzipped twist.

Are you helpfully setting up your self-indulgent spoof

-of the Brad Pitt perfume advert?

-Yes. Yes, I am.

It's not a journey.

Every series ends that I go on.

BBC3 turns and I turn with it.

Shows disappear.

Family Guy takes over.

Wherever I go...

there you are.

My luck, my fate,

my chance of ever appearing on TV again.

Unzipped.

Regrettable.

Hey, remember when we had Dappy on the show?

Oh, yeah, I do, but I wasn't that content with him on because he was

so good looking, the way he's a fit mover, all the girls were screaming.

-He's got that Olympic medal.

-No, you're thinking of Louis Smith.

We didn't have him on. He's the X Factor guy.

-"Hello, how are you doing? You're on the stage."

-No.

-We didn't have him on.

-No. Louis Smith.

Louis Smith. Louis...

Superman. The one who went out with Superman.

Lois Lane, you idiot! That's Lois Lane!

-Louis Smith.

-So which Louis did we have on?

We're talking about Dappy.

Who's Dappy?

Oh, my God! We learned some interesting stuff about him.

Remember this?

-Javelin!

-Oh, God!

-What's your weirdest habit?

-Weirdest habit?

Fishing and flying planes. Remote-control planes.

-You wouldn't expect that.

-He don't look like a fisherman.

-That's all I can think of.

-Don't you find it boring?

A lot of people stereotype fishing. Bob, a float, lake, rain, no fish.

I promise you it's not that. I'm the new age Bear Grylls.

If you come fishing with me...

Consultation. What would you do to Dappy's hair?

Oh, babe, it looks quite hot now.

-Thanks.

-But I think we could see some extensions.

-Extensions?

-Yeah.

What would you say has been your career highlight?

If you had to pick one moment, what would it be?

Going to number one, and going to number two straight after

with another song, with Brian May, yeah.

You know Brian May keeps foxes as pets?

-What?

-Did you know this?

-Does he?

A fox just recently ripped up two of my bunny rabbits.

Yeah, it was probably Brian May's.

"I thought it would go to number one!"

And release a fox into your garden.

Can you cook? Because everyone's got a dish, haven't they?

I've mastered this little dish, yeah. It's avocado, sliced up.

Prawn cocktail in the middle.

I cook the prawns slightly, little paprika, salt, pepper,

olive oil, lemon, yeah, little bit of feta cheese.

Put the prawns on the side, make ketchup, mayonnaise, little bit

of olive oil, touch it up, there's your orgasm food right there, serve.

If you'd like our recipe, do head to the Unzipped website.

And we've got some exciting news for Dappy fans.

We're in negotiations with him to release that recipe as a single.

Sure are, and here's the exclusive first play of his avocado...

..remix.

This is how you get a girl in bed, I think.

# Avocado, sliced up

# I love you, Dappy

-# Shut up!

-Awww!

# Avocado

# Cut up avocado, little bit of olive oil

# Avocado, sliced up

# Simmer, simmer down

-# Sliced up.

-Awww!

# Avocado, sliced up

# There's your orgasm food right there, serve

# Paprika, salt, pepper, olive oil, lemon

# Paprika, salt, olive oil, feta cheese

# Paprika, oil

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup

# Avocado

# Zigazig, ah! #

Unzipped might be a show

that is primarily aimed at a youthful audience,

but we go out of our way to ensure we include people of all ages.

Yeah, and if that means filming a granny

and granddad offering sex tips to their granddaughter, then so be it.

So, Vicky, if you're watching, we're truly sorry.

Not for doing it in the first place, but because we're going to relive

the whole excruciating experience again, right now.

So, there's one thing we should mention that when you applied

to be in the audience today, we told you a little fib.

-We said we needed some personal stuff from you.

-OK.

For research purposes, but the real reason is

that we're going to use those questions

and put them to your grandparents, and they can give us some answers.

So, you know, we told them all about your exploits.

You never!

I did!

Have you ever fallen asleep during sex?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-What happened?

Just was really, really drunk and fell asleep.

-That was it, really.

-It happens.

-Yeah.

-Just the once?

Yeah, I think so, but then I fell off the bed, yeah.

So we told your granny and granddad about this.

Oh, thanks, thanks, Greg, yeah.

My pleasure.

What do you think the advice was

they gave to stop it happening again?

Was it A - make sure you have coffee before getting frisky?

OK.

B - you should sleep with more exciting people?

Or C - You should read 50 Shades Of Grey?

50 Shades Of Grey, 100%.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, my granny likes that.

-OK.

LAUGHTER

Good luck, everyone. Let's see what they said.

Whilst on holiday, I've just read three books of 50 Shades Of Grey,

and if you haven't already read them, I think you might be

able to pick up a few tips to keep things interesting in the bedroom.

A lot of tips?

A lot of tips!

They introduced silver balls.

And so, you know what Granny's like, I actually bought her some,

but they had to be gold,

because she's not a silver person, is she?

I was a bit worried about not being able to retrieve them afterwards,

but, you know, you're younger and fitter

and you might manage with those all right.

And we will never, ever unsee that, ever! Well, that was amazing.

They're brilliant, aren't they?

-They do seem properly amazing.

-Oh, thank you.

No, thank you!

And thanks to your granny and granddad.

I think we've heard some very valuable advice there.

That was amazing. Everyone, Adam, Eileen.

It's now time to hand over the prestigious

Unzipped Strangest Celebrity Award.

Or the USCA, as it's referred to in the showbiz community.

-It's not, though, is it?

-No.

Last series this award was won by Holly Willoughby,

-but picking a winner this time has been very difficult.

-Has it?

No. It couldn't be more clear-cut, to be honest.

Have we bothered to cobble together a nominations package?

Absolutely not. In a decision that required literally

seconds of deliberation, I can now reveal that the USCA goes to...

Nancy Dell'Olio.

Nancy!

So you think half of people lie. Why do you think that?

It's not about your lie.

It's about people who are not very confident to talk about the past

or the people know.

Yeah, I couldn't have put it better myself. Louis?

TANGO MUSIC PLAYS

I hate the saying "Everything happens for a reason." I hate that one.

No, no, but why? You're probably too young.

-Everything happens for a reason.

-Nope.

-But of course, yes.

What causes the most arguments? Cleaning, jealousy or money?

It would probably be about cleaning or money.

It should be for me, the only reason would be jealousy,

but I don't believe in jealousy, so probably cleaning.

Have you ever had sex at work?

No, not that I can remember.

-You must have put an England shirt on?

-Yes, I did.

-There you go.

-How many, you know?

-How many what?

How many blokes?

-Don't remember.

-Can't remember?

If you think Nancy might be the weirdest, give us a cheer!

Sadly, Nancy can't be with us today.

-Oh, that is so sad.

-No, she's not here.

-Oh, right.

-So, I'm doing to hand the award to her in person.

-Right.

-OK.

-Greg.

-What?

-What, shall I just carry on without you?

-Good one!

MUSIC: "Going to Fly Now" by Bill Conti

BUZZER

'Si?'

Nancy, I've got something for you which is really exciting,

and something that is well and truly Unzipped.

'Is that you, Sven?'

No, it's not Sven, it's Greg.

'The little irritating one?'

No, the little irritating one's Russell.

I'm Greg, the tall one, the handsome one.

Anyway, right. Nancy, I've come to give you your USCA.

Your Unzipped Strangest Celebrity Award.

It's you!

Congratulationzole!

It's you, baby!

Can I come in?

'Not today, thank you.'

Ah! What?

Hello?

BUZZER RINGS

Nancy!

Hello? What are you..? Oh, for God's sake!

Ugh!

-Hey, Greggy!

-All right?

-How are you doing? What happened?

-Waste of time.

-Really?

-Yeah.

So I think we should just keep it here.

-Looks much nicer in the studio, anyway, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

-Anyway, shall we move on?

-Sure.

-Do you know what my favourite part of Halloween was this year?

-No.

I'll give you a little clue.

It was when I used the Unzipped report to examine

the attitude of the British when it came to things like ghosts,

the undead and things that go bump in the night.

Oh. Was it one of your big-budget, high-concept

comedy monologues that gets shot on location?

-Yes, it was.

-Never saw it.

I mean, I usually record the show,

and then fast forward through your bits.

OWL HOOTS

Halloween? It's American, not British.

A stiff upper lip never, ever quivers.

Woo-hoo!

Who wants some pumpkin pie? Only three weeks to Thanksgiving!

It's not British to have a turkey in November,

and it's certainly not British to feel fear.

What was that?

I'm with the 59% of Scottish people that do not believe

we can communicate with the dead.

# ..a pocket full of posies. #

Oh, that's sweet. Sorry.

I don't believe in ghosts, I don't believe in spirits,

and I certainly don't believe in an afterlife.

'Russell.'

Grandpappy, is that you?

'Russell!'

Girls are much more likely to believe this sort of kak.

32% of women reckon they've seen a ghost.

What wallies!

It's much more likely to be their paralytic boyfriend

wandering around the flat, about to take a slash in the wardrobe.

Where are you from, fair ghost?

Went to Eros nightclub last night.

Think I had a dodgy kebab.

-FARTS

-Travel safe, pale spirit.

Bollocks!

Besides sleepwalking boyfriends, there's all that other tosh.

Vampires, zombies, and in a zombie apocalypse,

it's the Cornish that are most likely to have a go at surviving.

Is that a ghost, or is that my cousin's uncle's sister?

I think it's your mother's cousin,

once removed.

Oh!

Although I've loved every minute of presenting Unzipped...

-Co-hosting.

-Whatever. There's been one big disappointment.

Boring!

The fact that my Celebs Unzipped catchphrase gets dropped every week.

"Every week".

So I thought, as a kind of DVD extra for the nerds, the zippers,

the diehard fans, I'd show you the TV gold that's been removed

each week for "editorial reasons". "Oh, got time to put Family Guy on."

And to celebrate this moment, guess what I've done?

Come up with a catchphrase?

I've come up with a catchphrase, so here we go.

"On my bonfire they've been pissin'

"Now let's see what y'all been missin'!" Thoughts?

I'd like to burn myself on a bonfire.

Anyway, it's the moment we've all been waiting for.

Ladies and gents, here they are, in all their glory.

Finally on TV, my Celebs Unzipped catchphrases. Enjoy!

When the celebs stop spinning, you could be winning, depending on

whether you can answer a question about whoever's been selected.

-Needs some work.

-Yeah.

When the celebs start rotating, you'll be celebrating,

unless the guests get the subsequent question wrong,

-in which case it'll be all frustrating!

-Yeah!

You just need to shorten it a bit, I'd say.

When the celebs stop revolving, our guests will be involving

themselves in a number of questions that need solving.

-What do you reckon?

-Shit.

The celeb spin round. It's a magical axis.

The most advanced technology since the invention of faxes.

-Thoughts?

-It's, erm...

It's great, Greg.

We'll put it on the fridge with the other children's work. It's lovely.

-Can I have a crack instead? Is that all right?

-Well, you can,

but great catchphrases don't just grow on trees, OK?

I'm going to have a try. Do you mind?

Spin the wheel, it's Celebs Unzipped.

If tonight guests win, we all get pissed!

# They like it

# They like it when I say it

# They like it when I say it Mmm-mmm-mmm! #

-Happy?

-Yeah.

Oh, Greg, do you remember Celebs Unzipped?

Ah, yes, Celebs Unzipped,

the part of the show that was a bit like a part-time postman.

-Didn't always deliver.

-Good one.

Well, for me, it was the highlight of the show.

Some of the nation's favourite and, coincidentally,

most bookable celebrities, a load of controversial confessions,

and the chance for the entire audience to win a cocktail! So...

-I tell you what. Why don't we relive the magic?

-Good idea.

We asked Big Brother winner, Brian Belo, if he ever wees in the shower.

I don't wee in the shower. I think weeing in the shower is disgusting.

That's actually one of my pet hates, weeing in the shower, to be fair.

So, no. I masturbate in the shower, but not weeing.

And it's especially good when you get that tingly shower gel thing.

It's much better when you do it with that.

We asked Holly Willoughby

if she thinks male strippers are a turn-on or a turn-off.

Male strippers are a turn-off.

I would rather go and see female strippers every day of the week.

The males' genitalia just sort of dangles and hangs and swings,

and that is not sexy.

Give me boobs any day!

We asked N-Dubz front man...

CROWD: Ooooh!

I'm joking!

All right, I'm fine!

# No point in fighting over yesterday

# Cos when I look in the mirror! #

We asked N-Dubz front man Fazer if he thinks aliens exist.

I believe aliens exist.

I walk down Camden High Street and I look at certain individuals

and say, "You are not human. You are an alien. Look at that head.

"There is no way you can be from Earth,"

so I think aliens do exist, yes.

We asked rapper Lethal Bizzle if he would own up

if he ran over a neighbour's cat.

I probably would, you know. That's the kind of person I am.

I probably would tell them I'm sorry.

Although, one time, my driver hit a donkey... Not a donkey!

Er, what do you call them? A sheep.

And it literally, just, like, it was a horrible feeling.

Well, there we are. Muddling up a donkey and a sheep.

It's easily done, isn't it?

Lovely, warm donkey jumper.

Russ, do you know what my favourite part of the Unzipped report is?

Actually, I don't, no.

It's the interesting statistics that get thrown up.

Such as?

Well, 24% of people in Wales have dabbled in some form of stalking.

"I like to watch, I do."

21% of Englishmen have faked an orgasm.

"I believe I'm completing, dear. Excuse me."

And 15% of Scottish people have masturbated at work.

"Oh, no, I've ruined my spacebar!"

The point is, it's always interesting to find out

what people get up to behind closed doors, isn't it?

Sure is.

Nooooo!

# How sweet it is to be loved by you

# How sweet it is to be loved by you

# I needed the shelter Of someone's arms

# And there you were. #

Well, that's it. We've reached the end of the show,

and the end of another series of Unzipped.

Eight weeks ago we set out on a journey to inform the nation

and shed some light on British behaviour.

And, on the way, we attempted to answer some of the biggest

questions affecting society today.

It's fair to say that didn't work out.

In fact, we failed miserably,

but we've had a good laugh along the way, and that's the main thing.

So, if you were a celebrity guest that appeared on the show,

and member of the public who sat in the Unzipped sample...

..or just a viewer at home who accidentally switched over

during Grand Designs, we want to say thank you.

Thank you.

Now, before we go,

we've just got time to give you a beautifully-crafted montage.

I mean, all the best series have one, right?

Yeah, and we're going to have a crack at it, too.

Thanks for watching.

Bye.

So glad that you two are working out the barometer of normal!

I want to thank Unzipped for this experience.

This is TV. It's above.

Oh!

Get in!

What is happening?

You see some messed up stuff in America,

but nothing compared to this.

Check, check, check this out.

Oh, this is really shit!

Oh!

That's for you.

I'll give you a slap, OK?

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love In a hopeless place. #

Until next time, take care of yourself.

Mummy, I've finished.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media