Best of British Wogan: The Best Of

It was a show that went out three nights a week, live...

Mr Wogan, you're on.

..with a live audience and everyone who was anyone dropping in.

The great and the good, the bad and the ugly,

and they called it Wogan.

Huh, I never knew why.

So if you're sitting comfortably,

I'll show you something I made earlier.

God knows what they'll make of us in 25 years' time.

Welcome.

Today we're bursting with home-grown talent and familiar faces

with a line-up that celebrates some of the very best of British.

We're talking about the likes of Barbara Windsor,

Bruce Forsyth,

Bob Geldof,

David Attenborough...

Yeah, all of today's talented guests have,

at some point in their careers,

been clutched to the collective bosom

of the great British public,

winning their affection or their respect, or both.

It's not like you lot are easier to win over.

Nobody knows better than me.

Anyway, first up, we've got a date with Cilla Black.

Not a blind one, but "surprise, surprise!"

She's not just talking, she's singing as well.

APPLAUSE

# Step inside love

# Let me find you a place

# Where the cares of the day will be carried away

# By the smile on your face

# We are together now and forever

# Come my way

# Step inside love

-# And stay

-Step inside love

# Step inside love

# Step inside love

# I want you to stay

# You look tired, love

# Let me turn down the light

# Come in out of the cold, rest your head on my shoulder

# And love me tonight

# We'll be together now and forever

# Come my way

# Step inside love

-# And stay

-Step inside love

# Step inside love

# Step inside love

# I want you to, oh, stay

# When you leave me

# Say you'll see me again

# For I know in my heart, we will not be apart

# And I'll miss you till then

# We'll be together now and forever

# Come my way

# Step inside love

-# And stay

-Step inside love

-# Step inside love

-You know I need you

-# Step inside love

-I want you to

# Stay

# I want you to stay. #

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

You came up with The Beatles, of course, and you must have...

Legendary figures now.

You must have known them all pretty intimately, didn't you?

Well, I did. I've seen them in their underpants!

LAUGHTER

I have because we all used to have to change together and...

Well, not change together,

but I used to go dressed up anyway to the clubs.

I've been singing since I was 14 around the clubs in Liverpool.

What a lot of people forget is that they thought that Brian Epstein,

the lovely Brian Epstein, just came along and made The Beatles

and myself and Gerry and Billy and The Fourmost,

all those people from Liverpool, big, big stars,

but everybody forgets

we were all going for about four or five years before

in and around the clubs in Liverpool.

In fact, I did my audition for Brian, Brian Epstein...

It wasn't even in Liverpool, it was in Birkenhead.

And then you set off around the country

and then you found yourself in London.

Oh, well, I did. I hated it.

You see, I never met...

I was in the West End of London...

Within three months I was starring at the London Palladium

with the great Frankie Vaughan and Tommy Cooper and The Fourmost,

and I was living in a hotel, you see.

-It was all very...daunting, is that the right word?

-That's the word.

Yeah, I've learnt big words since coming on here.

LAUGHTER

You don't happen to know what "iconoclast" means, do you?

No! AUDIENCE ROARS

-What was I talking about?

-About how you hated London, first of all,

cos you were a simple Liverpudlian.

Well, yeah, I was that simple and I only ever met tourists.

I never met the real London people. It was so marvellous to me -

my very best friend, when I met her doing Ready Steady Go!,

was Cathy McGowan. It was really nice to go back to her house

and have a good bowl of soup and a pan of scouse...

Ready Steady Go!

LAUGHTER

Oh, it was fantastic!

The first thing they did to me was throw me in a dirty big posh hotel.

Mind you, I thought that was wonderful.

I got into this room, you know, and my own black and white telly,

my own 14-inch black and white telly.

And a telephone beside my bed!

I couldn't believe it.

I was really over the moon - I picked up this phone, I went to dial and...

then I remembered.

Nobody I knew had a phone.

LAUGHTER

It was really the biggest comedown for me.

So I was very homesick for a while

and I missed... When I did get a bit of stardom, I really missed

doing the things that I wanted. It took a long time to adjust.

My favourite food was always egg and chips,

or chip butties

and my favourite place to eat was the Golden Egg in Leicester Square.

AUDIENCE TITTERS And when I had a number one...

What are you laughing at? LAUGHTER

It was, I loved it. When I went there wearing my Mary Quant plastic mac...

LAUGHTER

..as I was putting a piece of egg

that had dripped down my chin in my gob,

someone... I got mobbed.

And they pulled this button off my Mary Quant plastic mac

and, you know, you can't repair plastic.

LAUGHTER

And I bought it with my first week's wages and it was ever so sad.

I really miss Liverpool.

In fact, I was there the other day

and it was like, when I go home to Liverpool -

I only really go to see my mam and my brothers and Bobby's family -

I never venture out in the streets, except the other day I did,

cos I was promoting the new album

and it really frightened the life out of this interviewer, cos they said,

"We'll go down on the main streets, you know,

"and interview you there." I said OK, so we sat there.

Within minutes, it was like the Kop.

They were all round and I knew every one of them.

She could not get her interview done cos she was saying...

all these people around, all these women were saying,

"Oh, hello, girl. How's your mother?"

LAUGHTER

"Oh, she looks much better after the operation, love, she does."

All things like that, it was really smashing,

and I went to the local ra...

You do a lovely radio show, you really do,

but I think Liverpool have got the two greatest.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

No, no, it's not a put-down.

I'm just telling you I'm so proud of Liverpool

and we've got the two greatest Liverpool stations in the world -

Radio Merseyside and Radio City.

-No, doesn't strike a bell.

-LAUGHTER

If you ever go there, listen.

I was home before Christmas and I was crying,

because just to show you how funny...

I go home there to get my sense of humour back.

Just to show you how funny Liverpool people are, they do a phone-in thing

on these radio programmes

and it's sort of first names - you have got to guess

the first names and the catchphrase is,

"Gizza clue, Billy, oh, gizza clue."

That's the catchphrase, "gizza clue."

Well, the first name...

So funny. The first name was,

"All right, girl,

"What was Hitler's first name?"

It made me laugh, this is why I remembered, when Len was on.

"What was Hitler's first name?"

"Oh, gizza clue, Billy, gizza clue."

LAUGHTER

Back came the reply from Billy, "Oh, hey, girl, I can't give you the clue.

"I tell you what, I'll play a bit of music, love.

"Then you can ask a neighbour or something.

"I can't give you the clue to that."

So he plays a bit of music.

Comes back, "Have you thought about it, love?"

"Oh, I know now, Billy, it's all right, I know."

He said, "Well, what was Hitler's first name?"

She said,

"HEIL!"

AUDIENCE ROARS

That is true. It's true.

And so we move along from the natural wonder that is Cilla Black

to the wonderful naturalist David Attenborough.

He's still top of the tree when it comes to wildlife programmes,

but can you believe it?

I was giving him a hard time about being past it

when he visited the show...

30 years ago.

To be honest, you're looking very fresh-faced and you surprise me

-because you looked a bit peaky...

-Yes?

..up the mountains.

LAUGHTER

Honestly, many people have written to me saying,

"I think poor old David Attenborough

"has probably seen his best years."

-Yes.

-There was a lot of what I can only describe as...

-BREATHLESSLY:

-"And...here we are..."

LAUGHTER

TERRY GASPS

-That's right.

-Yeah.

I tell you, I felt just the teeniest bit miffed about this

because what that first part of that programme was meant to show

that animals of all kinds - and human beings are animals-

adapt to their environment if they live there for a long time.

And when we got right up to the top,

about 18,000 feet, which is very high...

No excuses, now, David.

LAUGHTER I wanted to demonstrate

that the Sherpa people who lived up there were very much better at living

in those altitudes, you see, than poor old lowlanders and Europeans.

They are better cos their lungs are bigger

and they have more red blood corpuscles in their blood

to carry the oxygen, you see.

So I won't pretend that I was actually totally with all my puff,

but I nonetheless did a certain amount of...

BREATHLESSLY: "Up here, it's...

"rather difficult to breathe,

"whereas all these people are pulling ploughs and working like mad things."

As a consequence, as you say, everybody said, "Poor old thing."

LAUGHTER "He shouldn't be up there!"

So what you're saying is that if you had conserved your breath,

you might have been able to deliver without a hint of breathlessness.

Well, yes, if I had sort of spent a little time sitting down...

and waiting before speaking, yes.

It's not advancing senility and very shortly anyway,

you'll be going down to sea level, won't you?

Yes, and below, so help us.

You're not going below the bounding main?

Well, unfortunately, yes, I got stuck into this.

You know how we are - we are subject to the dictates

-of these brutal producers.

-Mmm.

-The whims of the mandarins.

-Indeed.

LAUGHTER The very thing.

And my mandarin is a chap called Richard Brock,

who heard that in the Maldive Islands,

there were sharks that could be fed by hand.

AUDIENCE GUFFAWS

"I think it'd be a terrific idea," he said,

"if you went down, fed them by hand,

"and we'll put a microphone in your face mask

"and you could do a commentary."

LAUGHTER I said, "Are you sure?"

He said yes, and we went to this place and there's a German diver

who has been feeding these sharks...

They're not huge, they're not 20 feet long,

-they're only a mere seven or eight feet long.

-What a shame(!)

And he feeds them, you see, with an old kipper or a haddock or something.

They come and take it from his hand.

So I dived down with my little microphone in my mask

and I sat on the bottom, about 80 feet,

and I kept my arms firmly folded, you see.

And then these sharks appeared.

Of course, I said how wonderful they all were through the microphone,

but they realised that they were expecting breakfast, you see.

I hadn't got a haddock or a kipper, and they came closer and closer

and I began to wish that maybe I did have a haddock or a kipper,

and finally they actually biffed me on the top of the head.

They came along and hit you on the top of the head like that.

All the time, I was saying these pregnant words, you see,

into a little tape recorder lashed to my waist.

When I came out, I, of course, naturally felt I was a hero.

I said, "Well, it was nothing, chaps."

They took the tape recorder off me and they took out the lid

and they poured out half a pint of water and they said,

"Tomorrow morning, we'll do it again."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

With Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Matilda

and his Tales Of The Unexpected,

it was no surprise to find that Roald Dahl

could tell a fine anecdote.

He might also have been champion of the world

when it came to name-dropping.

Just a shame that some twit,

or "Twits",

placed him on the creakiest chair in London.

You'll hear what I mean.

But children's stories, is that...?

Is that an easy option for a writer, writing children's stories?

-A simple option?

-It's the hardest option of all.

I can say that, cos I've done the other one as well, a lot.

There's absolutely no question to me

that writing fine children's books,

as opposed to fine novels for adults,

the children's book is far, far harder.

It's not only harder, it's more important.

If you want to, I'll tell you why I think that in a minute.

CHAIR CREAKS It's harder

and I think I can almost prove it

because there is no writer of consequence in the world

or has ever lived who hasn't had a go at a children's book,

from Tolstoy to Graham Greene. Graham Greene's done four.

He's our finest living novelist.

He's done The Little Train,

The Little...

The Little Fire Engine...

You're smiling! CHAIR CREAKS

OK, because they didn't succeed.

Nabokov, Saul Bellow, anyone you want to mention

-has had a go at it.

-How are we going to get

-our children to read books again?

-CHAIR CREAKS

I have some difficulty with my children.

I love to read and I read a great deal,

but I'm of the radio generation.

How are we going to persuade the television generation...?

It is very, very difficult indeed.

When I was young, there was not even any radio.

When I was nine, I had a crystal set

and you put the little thing on it with the earphones.

There was no problem then. I agree with you, it is difficult.

Very, very difficult.

So you don't draw from your own experience,

but you've had a pretty colourful life, apart from your books -

-you were in the RAF during the war.

-Mm-hmm.

-You crashed.

-Mm-hmm.

-And didn't I read that you were a spy?

No, that's an ugly word, "spy"!

I did, I worked for the British SIS, yes, the last half of the war

when I was injured and couldn't fly.

Sure I did, yeah.

I went to America and did it.

I...

I was very lucky

because my first little book I wrote was called The Gremlins,

which was bought by Walt Disney.

Eleanor Roosevelt read it to her grandchildren...

CHAIR CREAKS ..and loved this book,

and so I got invited to the White House.

We got to know each other a bit, you know, and I would go for weekends

and FDR, his country place was called Hyde Park, a vast place,

and I used to go there.

Got to know him

and I was only a young chap of 26 in an RAF uniform

and had no business around there, really, but I was able...

..because of meeting at Hyde Park and in the White House,

there was half the Cabinet all the time...

CHAIR CREAKS ..the Secretary of the Treasury,

Henry Morgenthau and people like that,

they were all there and my job was to try to help...

..Winston Churchill to get on with FDR

and tell Winston what was in the old boy's mind

in America, you know.

I was really not spying against the Americans.

I was trying to create amity.

This wasn't where your flair for fiction grew up, was it?

LAUGHTER

I couldn't muck about with that sort of thing.

But it was incredible for a young chap

to know those sort of people in those days.

He was a terrific jokester, FDR.

CHAIR CREAKS I'll tell you something,

the sort of things he used to do.

All of us would be sitting at lunch in Hyde Park

with Princess Martha of Norway, who he adored.

He had a sort of lech after her.

AUDIENCE TITTERS There were about 20 people

and they'd all be eating some white fish...

CHAIR CREAKS ..and he'd point at me and he'd say

"We've got a Britisher here. I'll tell you a story about the British."

He was a great naval historian.

He said, "In the War of Independence,

"there was a British captain of a man-of-war

"and he made his fellow officers swear that if he was ever killed,

"his body would be shipped home for burial in England."

CHAIR CREAKS

"He was killed and the officers said,

"'The only way we can get this old fella home

"'is to put him in a barrel of rum

"'and fill it and lash the barrel to the mast.'

"'Right, good.'

"The ship docked eight weeks later in Plymouth

"and the relatives and the widow came on board..."

FDR's telling this at lunch, you know.

"They came on board and the great opening ceremony took place.

"They took the top off the barrel.

"Such a stench came out

"that strong men rushed to the rail and leaned over.

"Women fainted. The rats left the ship and swam!"

What had happened... CHAIR CREAKS

..as Franklin Roosevelt explained to all these women

with the white fish in front of them was that, all the way over,

the sailors had drilled a hole in the bottom of the barrel

and put a bung in it and had been drinking the rum.

When they were halfway over, they'd finished it all, you see.

As the widow went down the gangway, staggered down the gangway,

one of the sailors was heard to remark,

"Finest drop of rum I ever tasted in my life."

LAUGHTER

The women pushed the fish away, FDR hooting with laughter, you see.

-Nice. Nice sort of story, that.

-Oh, yes, lovely(!)

LAUGHTER

-One of those horror stories which you have specialised in.

-A tickler.

Can you write children's stories and horror stories at the same time?

Oh, no, I couldn't write two things together, ever, ever, ever.

It's so much work trying to think of one, you know.

Plots.

We're talking about children's stories. The horror stories -

what's the art of frightening the life out of people?

I don't try and frighten the life out of anybody.

I don't write horror stories, I write funny stories.

-No, I really do.

-With strange, quirky twists at the end.

But they're funny! I think they're funny, anyway.

There's such a narrow line between the macabre and the jokes

and laughter.

It's a very... CHAIR CREAKS

For example, if a woman who's deeply in love with a man

and finds he's been doing nasty things with some other woman

crowns him with a blunt instrument and kills him,

that's tragedy, right? CHAIR CREAKS

That's tragedy.

If she happens to have a frozen leg of lamb in her hand

and crowns him with that... AUDIENCE TITTERS

..they begin to titter, you see?

-LAUGHTER

-Well, they are.

-Yes.

Then if she takes the frozen leg of lamb, puts it in the oven, cooks it

and feeds it to the detectives who are looking for the murder weapon,

that's comic. LAUGHTER

There's a very narrow line between the two.

The fantastic Mr Dahl.

Now someone whose life was touched by a classic children's story.

It was Raymond Briggs's The Snowman

and that thrust a young Aled Jones into the national spotlight.

He's not walking on the air here.

Instead, perhaps appropriately for this programme,

he's singing Yesterday.

APPLAUSE

# Yesterday

# All my troubles seemed so far away

# Now it looks as though they're here to stay

# Oh, I believe

# In yesterday

# Suddenly

# I'm not half the man I used to be

# There's a shadow hanging over me

# Oh, yesterday came suddenly

# Why she had to go

# I don't know, she wouldn't say

# I said something wrong

# Now I long for yesterday

# Yesterday

# Life was such an easy game to play

# Now I need a place to hide away

# Oh, I believe

# In yesterday

# Why she had to go

# I don't know, she wouldn't say

# I said something wrong

# Now I long for yesterday

# Yesterday

# Love was such an easy game to play

# Now I need a place to hide away

# Oh, I believe

# In yesterday

# I believe

# In yesterday. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-That's your accompanist Annette Parry.

-Yes.

-You've joined us from Anglesey.

-Yes.

That's a long journey, isn't it?

That's a very romantic song for a little chap.

Have you any girlfriends?

Yes, hundreds.

LAUGHTER Thousands.

But, unfortunately, they're all over 60.

-Over 16 or 60?

-60.

Yes, I know the problem...too well.

It's been the story of my life, as well, Aled.

Do you get a lot of teasing in school about your voice?

Oh, yes, frequently. Thy call me names from Jesus to Ave Maria.

Just last week one person called me Terry Wogan.

-It was just...

-A foul slur!

-It was too much!

What a terrible thing to say to a little boy!

So what happened?

-You thumped him, I hope.

-Yes.

I thought you had a slight mouse under the eye,

-he obviously hit you back, as well.

-Yes.

So, what about the future?

Your voice, they tell me, is about to break.

Yes, well, there's no signs yet, I don't think.

No, no, there isn't, cos you're singing beautifully,

but when it does break what will happen?

I mean, obviously you'll get a deep voice...

LAUGHTER

But I mean are you...?

You can't go on singing then, can you?

No, I'll have to wait for a couple of years.

-Couple of years, and are you going to miss that?

-Oh, yes.

I'll have to play football more.

Aled Jones back in '85,

the year of one of the biggest music concerts in history, Live Aid.

Bob Geldof was the visionary behind it,

and the nerves, tension and excitement were very much apparent

when he visited The Wogan Show

the night before it was all due to kick off.

How do you feel, nervous?

Not really, it's sort of this continuous numbness.

That's what I was saying,

do you feel sort of no feeling left in the fingers?

No, really, I'm used to sort of rising to the emotional moment.

I just want to...

Are they still going on?

What I want to check out is if we're still on stage doing our sound check.

We'll bring you across to Wembley to find out

how everything's going as we go through.

I think the best time will be

when I'm actually on stage with the Rats for that 15 minutes.

So you'll have the bonus of performing, as well?

Yeah. That's one thing, I wouldn't wish to be anywhere else

on the day except right on that stage.

Is there little thing in your head that keeps saying,

"Calm down, don't panic," or are you calm by nature?

No, I'm not calm by nature,

but there are so many brilliant professionals involved,

they sort of take it in hand and if they say

they're going to do something, they get it done, it's frightening.

There's not a little voice in the back of your head that's

regretting starting all this?

I know it's a tremendously good cause, but regretting

you being upfront and carrying the can?

I don't mind that

because if you fail it's not from want of trying.

And it's something that you have to try

with really everything you've got to do.

What can we expect tomorrow?

As you said, so eloquently...

Steady, Bob.

..pop's greatest day.

I think the Australians have just finished their 12 hours,

so it'll be interesting to see how they've done,

and I think it's that will be...

wonderful, I think is the right word to use,

and I think throughout the day the whole romance of the thing will

finally hit home when the Russian bands come in,

and you think of some kids in Siberia who may be getting drunk,

having a party, watching us all here, and then Philadelphia. It's nice.

Well, we can see the stadium from here.

It looks suspiciously quiet, Bob.

Would you like to see a bit more activity going on there?

Yes, where's the Rats? They're meant to be on stage!

Maybe they're waiting for you.

There are a lot of people out there already queueing up.

One thing I must say, please, tomorrow,

if you haven't got a ticket, don't go up there,

don't buy anything from anybody outside the grounds.

They're thieves and they're creeps. Don't buy anything.

You know, bring something to make yourself comfortable.

It's ten hours, relax, it'll be a good day.

And, please, again, if someone offers you something

outside the grounds - T-shirt, books, tickets - don't buy them,

just go home and watch it for free on TV. That's important.

I can see...

APPLAUSE

Is that the familiar face of Janice Long?

And the equally familiar face of Francis Rossi on the right.

-He looks the worse for drink, doesn't he?

-Thanks a lot!

-He was this afternoon, he's sobered up.

-Has he sobered up?

That's good, yes. Janice, how's it going?

Things are going really well down here at Wembley.

You've just missed Adam Ant sound checking.

Before that The Boomtown Rats were sound checking,

of course without Bob, because he's actually there with you,

and one of the problems they've had this afternoon is

they were making logos to go either side of the stage

and, unfortunately, as they were painting them

they stuck to the tarpaulin which is covering Wembley,

so they're trying to sort of scrape them up off the ground

-at the moment, and hopefully they will be hanging tomorrow.

-Ah, the Irish paint makers.

What are you going to start with?

Er, the first number.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sorry about that. That was a good 'un, wasn't it?

I's my own fault, really, for calling you drunk, isn't it?

-What number are you going to play?

-The opening number?

Rockin' All Over The World.

That's why we got thrown at the front,

they said, "Good idea, bung them on," you know.

-You coming, Tel?

-I think it's a good idea.

How much have you raised so far?

-Out of what, from the record?

-Yeah.

From the record about eight million quid,

and then all the Band Aid ideas around the world cumulatively

is about 60 million,

and then from stuff so far with the concert...

It costs about 3.5 million to put on.

That's even with everybody giving their services for free?

Yes, because we're actually producing the show for the world,

so the BBC is doing it for here, but for the rest of the world

we have to put it on in Philadelphia,

and the cost of that is...a lot.

But we've paid for that from sponsorship,

so any money that you send in tomorrow,

which is the point of the whole thing,

100% of it, again, will get out to Africa.

In fact, if you're thinking of going out tonight, don't,

keep the money in your pocket,

and keep it in your sweaty little hands until tomorrow

when we kick off, and go for it and enjoy yourselves.

It seems appropriate to have some music now.

Here's a song that played a big part in the first ever Sport Relief -

then it was renamed Everybody Wants To Run The World -

but this is the original from Tears For Fears.

APPLAUSE

# Welcome to your life

# There's no turning back

# Even while we sleep

# We will find you

# Acting on your best behaviour

# Turn your back on mother nature

# Everybody wants to rule the world

# It's my own design

# It's my own remorse

# Help me to decide

# Help me make the

# Most of freedom and of pleasure

# Nothing ever lasts forever

# Everybody wants to rule the world

# There's a room where the light won't find you

# Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down

# When they do I'll be right behind you

# So glad we've almost made it

# So sad they had to fade it

# Everybody wants to rule the world

# I can't stand this indecision

# Married with a lack of vision

# Everybody wants to rule the

# Say that you'll never, never, never, never need it

# One headline, why believe it?

# Everybody wants to rule the world

# All for freedom and for pleasure

# Nothing ever lasts forever

# Everybody wants to rule the world. #

We come now to an example of art imitating life.

Here's the ever-bubbly Barbara Windsor

discussing an impending marriage and a new job as,

of all implausible things, a pub landlady.

I wonder if any BBC drama producers were watching.

APPLAUSE

-I'm just checking on Barbara's English.

-There you go.

Now, last week, all over the papers again -

engaged. Engaged again.

I know, it's silly that, isn't it?

Can I just say something? Today I became a landlady.

-Did you?

-Yes, I did. Isn't that terrific?

-You look...

-I've got my landlady frock on!

-Yes, you look like a landlady.

-My crystal shoulders.

Oh, sorry about that.

No, no, no. Don't change a thing. Don't change a thing.

Yes, at 12:20 day I took over

The Plough in Amersham, Buckinghamshire. Isn't that lovely?

-So you've moved into the restaurant business?

-That's right, although

I haven't been there today to hand over the keys.

I had to go up to Nottingham because I'm playing Aladdin.

-I had to flash the thighs...

-Of course, all that stuff, yes.

And then I came down, cos you phoned up on Friday,

or one of your lovely people phoned up,

and said will I come on the show tonight,

so I think I'll just about get there for last orders, won't I?

Well, you'll avoid the rush.

Mind you, they're all going there to see you, anyway.

Well, I suppose so.

You're going to marry Stephen eventually. The age difference...

I know!

-No, I don't mean that ungallantly.

-It's lovely.

I don't mean that ungallantly,

but you don't envisage any problems?

No, there's no problems, I know now.

Yes. It worried all the lady columnists.

One turned round and said, "Isn't it silly Barbara Windsor's going

"to marry somebody young enough to be her son?

"She should be thinking about getting a good night's sleep."

Well, I thought that was a bloody nerve.

-So do I.

-I want to go and punch her, you know that, don't you?

But I didn't.

Do you think the fact that Joan Collins and people like that,

or Alexis and Dex in Dynasty have made that kind of thing more acceptable now?

-Much easier, lovely. It's still not accepted.

-Isn't it?

No, it's still all right for the geezers to do it, not the ladies.

Yeah, it's true though, isn't it, ladies?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

Speak when you... Oh, you have been spoken to.

With the way they rerun these Carry On things,

when they can't rerun them they rerun snippets of it,

do you get fed up of seeing yourself

-half naked every week?

-Well, of course!

I mean, it's so hard.

-I mean, I'm 48.

-You're never!

Yes, thank you, darling.

And I keep seeing this fat little lady run around.

I think, "Who is she?"

I mean, it gets on our nerves a bit because we don't get paid.

-You don't get paid for all this...?

-No, and they've only

got to pull the plug out for something. Like that marvellous

scene, Deidre and Mike Baldwin, they pulled the plug out on that,

there was a big strike,

and they stuck one of those Carry On Laughings,

so 18 million watching in one night.

-And you don't get a penny?

-No!

We fought and carried on alarming, but it hasn't done any good.

You made some good friends in the course of those films,

Kenneth Williams was a great friend.

But I was seeing in some book or other

you actually took him on honeymoon with you?

Well, no, I was going...

It was my first Carry On film and we got on very well, Kenny and I,

and I got married, and I said I was going on holiday

and he said could he come with me,

and I said OK, fine, that was all right.

But he turned up with his mum, Lou, and Pat, his sister.

LAUGHTER

We had murders. Oh, we rowed all the time, Kenny and me.

-Five on the honeymoon?

-Yeah, which is good, it's all right these days.

In those days it wasn't such a good thing.

But he's wonderful, and I love... They were all marvellous.

It was just by going back to school doing the films, you know.

You'd do five weeks and then finish,

and then go back again and do another one.

It was terrific. I love those people.

-We have Maureen Lipman coming on in a little moment...

-Lovely lady.

-..to talk about EastEnders. You're an EastEnder yourself.

-Yes.

What, as a matter of interest, do you think of EastEnders?

-Do you watch it?

-Oh, terrific, absolutely ace.

Isn't it the most wonderful programme?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

-Do you think it's true to life?

It is, and I understand what Mary Whitehouse says,

but there you go, you've got to switch off, you know.

I think it's terrific. I mean, I started off looking

at that programme and thinking, "No, this isn't right,"

but I was comparing it to the wonderful Coronation Street.

But suddenly, four weeks later, I loved all those characters

and, by God, there is a bar lady like that lady and...

Could they make a soap opera of your life, do you think?

I think they could. Only in the last few years, darling,

only in the last few years.

Before that you were a very quiet, unspoiled girl?

Yeah, well, I was, you knew me. Yes, I was.

LAUGHTER

Now it's all... I have changed, I'm quieter now, as well.

Listen, we won't keep you from the grand opening of the restaurant.

Do you think I'll get there for the last orders?

You might get there in time for the pudding.

Yeah, well, thank you for letting me come on

-and give it a little plug, bless you.

-Thank you, darling.

-God bless.

APPLAUSE

Finally, a man who seems to have been on our screens

since television was invented.

Singer, dancer, showman -

well, we tried to book all of them

but somehow ended up with Bruce Forsyth,

here in musical mode.

BAND STRIKES UP

# I'll be down to get you in a taxi, Honey... #

BAND DOESN'T PLAY

# You'd better be ready 'bout a half past eight... #

BAND DOESN'T PLAY

Bit louder. LAUGHTER

# Oh, dearie, don't be late... #

That's perfect.

# I want to be there when the band starts playing... #

BAND PLAYS # Firefly

# Cos, oh, my,

# She radiates moon glow

# Wants none of that new glow

# She starts to glitter when the sun goes down, about 8pm

# It's mayhem

# She switches the brights up

# Lights up and gives me a call

# Take me to the Firefly Ball

# And when I get her there, set her there

# Do I get to pet her there

# And grab me some glow?

# No, she's the gadabout, mad about, luring every lad about

# While leaving me moaning low

# The Firefly

# Why can't I latch onto you, know-how?

# Oh, how I love you but, gee

# Why do you set the night on firefly?

# Turn a little light on me... #

HE SCATS

# And when I get her there, set her there

# Do I get to pet her there

# And grab me some glow?

# No, she's a gadabout, mad about luring every lad about

# While leaving me moaning low

# Oh, Firefly

# Why can't I latch onto you, know-how?

# Oh, how I love you but, gee

# Why do you set the night on firefly?

# Shine a little light on, shine a little on

# Shine a little light on me.

# Every evening when the sun goes down. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Wonderful, wonderful, Bruce.

-One more time?

One more time, and with you!

-Hunk Wogan!

-That's me.

OK. All right, we'll just do the last bit.

-Join me, join me.

-I'm ready for this.

# While leaving her moaning low

# Oh, firefly

# Why can't I...?

# Oh, how... #

Green shoes!

# Why do you set the night on firefly?

# Shine a little light on, shine a little light on

# Shine a little light on me

# Every evening when the sun goes down. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at that!

Parkinson wouldn't have done that!

He'd never have had the nerve to get up here with you, either!

That was marvellous! Snake hips Wogan.

Ladies and gentlemen, whoever he was, Bruce Forsyth.

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

I was pretty good there, don't you think? Born to dance.

Well, time for me to go and dream of what might have been.

But, as Arnold says, I'll be back,

so join me for more memories next time.