Small Screen Stars Wogan: The Best Of

It went out three nights a week live,

with a live audience and everyone who was anyone dropping in,

the great and the good, the bad and the ugly, and they called it Wogan.

I never knew why!

So, if you're sitting comfortably,

I'll show you something I made earlier.

God knows what they'll make of us in 25 years' time!

Greetings.

Today, we're focusing on big names from the small screen,

the stars who spent an inordinate amount of time,

almost as much as myself, being beamed into your living rooms

and onto the box at which even now you are goggling,

including Kylie Minogue, Dudley Moore, Leonard Nimoy,

Colin Baker and Ade Edmondson.

First of all, a bunch of doddery old fools obsessed with beating

the Germans. No, not the heads of the English Football Association.

It's the Home Guard heroes from Walmington-on-Sea,

the cast of Dad's Army, in the shape of Clive Dunn, Bill Pertwee

and that stupid boy Ian Lavender.

APPLAUSE

You're welcome.

-It's a nice thing to celebrate, the 20th anniversary, isn't it?

-It is.

I know you've come from Portugal, Jonesey, to be with us.

Yes, I'm not supposed to be here at all, really.

I reckon that if I was alive today... I'd be 118!

Now, Dad's Army brought together a very professional team of actors.

Were you wary of each other in the way that actors are of each

-other's professional skills?

-I think probably yes, I think so.

When I joined, I came from the other side of the fence.

There's always a few from the other side!

I'd done a lot of variety and summer shows.

Clive had also done some variety,

but I think the majority of the cast were a little bit wary of me.

What has David brought this lunatic in for?

-From variety rather than the theatre.

-That's right.

And of course, you were just out of acting school.

Just, six months.

That must have been fairly horrific for you,

because these established performers...

Horrific, no, but terrifying.

I'd done six months in rep and I'd done one television play.

I can truthfully say that I got the job, before David comes on,

that I got the job because my agent was sleeping with the director.

-Be quiet!

-Good man. As good a reason as any.

They've got six children and 35 grandchildren as well,

but that was the start and how I met David and so on.

I arrived for the filming on the first day

and I was used to getting digs in rep and nobody had mentioned

hotels, so I assumed we were going away for the day.

I arrived at Television Centre, everybody's got a suitcase,

so I had to go home again and get some clothes.

And there they were, gods.

Except for Bill Pertwee, he wasn't a god at all. He was from variety.

Were they kind...?

BLOWS BUGLE

What are you blowing that for?!

They don't work if you suck them!

APPLAUSE

-Did you...?

-Pardon? What?

-I feel like Captain Mainwaring now.

Did you say yes to that part immediately, the part of Corporal Jones?

Oh, no. I didn't say yes. No, no, I waited at least three minutes.

No, to be honest I'd just been in a show that I wasn't very good in

and thought, "I don't want to go in another show

"I'm not very good in," so I waited a minute and asked my wife,

because she tells me what to do, and then I asked John Le Mesurier

and he said, "I think I'm going to do it,"

and when he said he'd do it, I did it and we all done it.

-And you all done it very well.

-Can I play you a tune, please?

I wish you wouldn't.

-I didn't tell you about when I was in North Africa, did I?

-No.

No. Have you got an hour or two?

Anyway, me and my friend,

because I had a lot of friends out there, as you can imagine,

we were in the place there with the desert

and an officer came in and said,

"General Gordon wants to be relieved!" And I thought,

"That sounds like a nice job," so I said, "I'd like to

"volunteer to relieve General Gordon." He said,

"You'll have to join the Camel Corps."

Well, that was bad news for me and my mate, because we didn't

like camels, they dribble a lot and give you psoriasis of the elbows.

He said, "You've got to have a medical exam..."

I'm being as quick as I can!

My friend went in and had a medical exam and the doctor said,

"You needn't go in the Camel Corps." He came out and said,

"I'm not going out because I have to wear this truss."

So I said, "Can I borrow it, please?"

So he lent me the truss and I went in and the doctor said,

"You've got to go in the Camel Corps." I said, "Why?" He said,

"How long have you worn that?" So I told a little white lie, I said,

"About six years." He said, "You're definitely going in the Camel Corps.

"Anyone who can wear a truss upside down for six years can ride a camel!"

APPLAUSE

BLOWS BUGLE

A blast from the past from Corporal Jones there.

And now someone even more musically gifted than Clive Dunn...

the wonderful Dudley Moore.

Not only one of my favourite and funniest guests,

but a terrific piano player. Real talent.

HE PLAYS VARIATIONS OF THE COLONEL BOGEY MARCH

APPLAUSE

Wonderful.

1,000 different ways with Colonel Bogey.

HE PANTS

Yes, oh, yes.

I can't... I wrote that 30 years ago, I can't believe I'm still playing it!

-I must be nuts.

-It's wonderful. Thank you for doing it for us.

Thank you, it was fun.

When you were in New York...

This whole programme involves looking back in time, so we've

obviously got to include TV's greatest time traveller, the Doctor.

Who? Well, when the Tardis dropped into Shepherd's Bush,

he had taken on the form of the sixth Doctor.

APPLAUSE

The Doctor!

Doctor.

-Number six...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS

Number six in the long 23-year-old line that started

in black and white with William Hartnell. Colin Baker, Doctor Who.

-Is this the planet Shepherd's Bush?

-It is indeed, sir.

-Good to see you.

-I'll turn into me now.

-Good man.

Dressed for the occasion, Doctor.

-You're not scared of monsters, are you?

-No!

-I've been to the BBC canteen.

-Of course.

-Nothing can frighten me.

Are any of your family scared?

Because I know you've got various little ones.

Are they terrified of the monsters?

Do they look out for you when you have to deal with them?

The one who is most frightened, I have to say, is my own wife,

who actually wouldn't come to the studio when we had the Daleks there.

She's a grown woman and should know better,

but she's terrified of Daleks.

And I have told her that they're not always real.

Occasionally, there is one with a little man running around inside.

Why is the old Tardis a blue police box?

Maybe there's some people who know the answer,

but I've been watching it man and boy,

and I've never really understood why it's a police callbox, the Tardis.

Well, 23 years ago when it started,

-when you were much too young to watch it...

-No, I was there.

..William Hartnell arrived in London in his police box, the Tardis,

and it had a thing called the chameleon circuit which didn't work

properly and it was supposed to make the outside of his time machine

look exactly right in its surroundings,

so in London, fine, police box, but then the chameleon circuit broke

and it has been stuck like that ever since.

I never knew the historical antecedence of it.

So that's the reason.

-In America, Doctor Who is a cult series, isn't it?

-Yes.

It's not known to the man in the street.

I mean, I can walk down the street in New York and nobody will say,

"Aren't you the Doctor?"

But it's shown on the public service networks at 11 o'clock every night.

I met a fellow on a plane last year, an American,

who was a terrific fan of Doctor Who.

There are Doctor Who conventions and things. Do you go over to America?

-I do.

-And greet them?

-Those who watch it are absolutely potty about it.

Here, you might get 1% of the people who watch the programme

who are Fans, with a capital F, but over in the States,

90% of those who watch it are besotted by it,

so you go to conventions in the most extraordinary places,

university towns, all over the States and thousands of people

turn up to touch the hem of the Doctor's garment.

Isn't it strange, though, after the sophistication of Star Wars

and all the rest of it and special effects

that are ultra-sophisticated on film, that this Doctor Who which,

apart from the appearing and disappearing box, the effects

aren't all that good? What do you think the real appeal is?

I think that is part of the appeal, actually.

It's the fact that it has always been very English,

it's been Plasticine and bits of string

and you can't summon up some piece of hi-tech equipment to get you

out of a terrible situation, you have to rely on ingenuity.

And because the budgets, quite frankly, aren't the size.

I mean, a special effect in Star Wars would pay for an entire

series of Doctor Who, but I think that can work to a programme's

benefit and I think it would be a mistake now for Doctor Who to

try and compete with the hi-tech series.

More science fiction now.

Prepare yourself for Spock in specs and without the pointy ears.

The star of the Star Trek series and films

beamed down to the Wogan studio in 1989

and I promptly got his name wrong.

Welcome, Lemon... Lemon?! Leonard Nimoy!

APPLAUSE

You'd think we didn't rehearse this show. Lemon Nimoy!

-That is well done.

-Leonard Nimoy.

Do you mind us still seeing you as Spock?

-No, I expect it will go on for as long as I live.

-You don't resent it?

I've gone through some good and bad times with it,

but I've made peace with it.

I haven't wanted for work ever since Spock came into my life,

so I'm OK about it.

But sometimes actors say, "Oh, I'm tied to this,"

but of course, it's not true in your case.

No, I've had a lot of other kinds of work

and I've had the opportunity to start a directing career

as a result of it, so I feel very comfortable with it.

And I am still playing Spock.

We just made Star Trek V just before I left the States.

-Not another one?

-Yeah, another one.

How far do you think old Spock affected your personality?

I think a lot.

In terms of functioning logically, thinking logically, I think a lot.

I think that I was much more emotionally directed rather

than logically directed before I started playing the character.

As a matter of fact, Spock, when I first started playing him

was a much more emotional character than he is now.

Great fun to do, of course, but as far as your emotions went, you still

lost control of them, you weren't like Spock as far as that went?

-Personally, you mean?

-Yeah.

-Only on Sunday.

You called your autobiography I Am Not Spock,

which would lead one to believe that you were trying to get away from it.

It was a mistake, it was a mistake.

Around the early '70s, I guess it was, I wrote this book,

an autobiography, and during the course of writing it,

I had an experience in an airport, San Francisco. A lady recognised me.

She had with her a five- or six-year-old child and she

brought him over in front of me and she said, "Johnny, look who is here.

"This is the person you love, you watch him every week." And Johnny

looked at me and I'm standing there looking much like this.

And he's staring at me and there was no recognition.

She said, "You know who that is, that's your favourite

"person on television." He's looking at me and there's no response.

She said, "That's Mr Spock!" And he wouldn't buy it,

because I had the glasses and the hair was wrong and I didn't have the

right clothes on and what would Spock be doing in San Francisco airport?

-And the ears!

-And the ears were wrong.

-Not that much, though!

You get the point.

So she was right and she was wrong.

What she was saying to him was this is the actor who plays Mr Spock.

She was jumping in language, she'd made that leap,

but he couldn't make that leap and he couldn't make the connection.

So I wrote about this incident as a way of describing

the difference between character identity,

the reality between who I am and who this character is that I play,

and when it came time to title the book,

we thought we'd like to have Spock's name in the title

so people would know it was about me and Star Trek and Spock,

and I didn't think Spock And I was very exciting,

or My Friend Spock, so I said to the publisher,

"Why don't we use the title of that chapter I Am Not Spock

"as the title of the book?" He said, "Books with negative titles

"don't sell very well." I said, "What about Gone With The Wind?"

"If that's what you want, that's what we'll do."

So we titled it I Am Not Spock.

A lot of people read the title, didn't read the book

and assumed that what I was doing was rejecting the Spock character,

which wasn't the case.

Now Star Trek III and IV were tremendous blockbusters.

Better than I and II, do you think?

Star Trek I did extremely well. Star Trek II fell off somewhat.

With Star Trek III and IV, we started climbing back up

again. I think Star Trek IV has done the best of all of them.

It's been terrific for you, hasn't it?

Did you make it a condition that you wouldn't do III and IV

-unless you were allowed to direct?

-No, not really.

I wasn't that crass about it, a little bit more gentle than that.

You got your agent to say it?

No, I had some very interesting conversations with the people

at Paramount and what I said to them was, "You have two problems.

"You need somebody to play Spock

"and you need somebody to direct the picture

"and I can solve both your problems." And that's the way it worked out.

-It was OK.

-That's very shrewdly put. You don't get one without the other.

It can't be easy to direct yourself, though.

-It must be virtually impossible.

-It's hard.

It's easier when you've been playing the character for many years

and you know who this character is, but it's physically very hard.

The Spock make-up takes two hours every morning,

so if I had to be at work at 7am as the director of the picture,

I had to report to work at 5am to start getting the make-up on,

get out of the make-up chair at seven and become a director.

It's a long day.

Tell me why III and IV, do you think, from your point

of view at least, why you thought they were more successful?

I think when the first Star Trek movie was made, whenever it was,

1979, 1980, there was a sense that we could not have fun.

It was the first time we were making Star Trek in something like 11 years

and the sense was Stanley Kubrick made a very important film called 2001.

If you want to be important, you've got to be serious

and do it very ponderously, which we did.

And it wasn't a heck of a lot of fun.

We began to have fun again with Star Trek II,

more with III and still more with IV.

You've just done Star Trek V.

Are there any surprises in that, any controversies?

Well, it's called The Final Frontier, not

because it's the final film, by any means.

I think we'll be doing these films until we are in wheelchairs.

You hope!

Bill Shatner directed it

and it's different from the ones we've done in the past.

I think it's a lot of fun.

He is a much more physical director, a much more physical guy than I am.

I like to play Spock as a thoughtful person who doesn't have to do

a lot of running and jumping and punching people.

He pinches people's necks to avoid the slug-out.

Shatner is a very physical guy, so you do a lot more running

and jumping in a Shatner film.

Well, we look forward to seeing Mr Spock jumping about.

In the meantime, it's been a great pleasure to talk to you.

-Leonard Nimoy.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Live long and prosper. That was Spock's catchphrase.

And someone who clearly lives by the same motto is Lulu,

a little lady with a big, big voice, who marked 25 years in showbiz

with this marvellous medley of her biggest hits.

# Don't have a lot, but with me that's fine

# Whatever I got, well, I know it's mine

# You know that I'm thinking about you, baby

# You better know before you come along

# The boat that I row won't cross no ocean

# The boat that I row won't get me there soon

# But I got the love and if you got the notion

# The boat that I row's big enough for two

# I'm a tiger, I'm a tiger

# I'm a tiger, I'm a tiger

# I'm a tiger, I'm a tiger

# I'm a tiger, I'm a tiger

# Oh, no, not me

# I never lost control

# You're face to face

# With the man who sold the world

# Those schoolgirl days

# Of telling tales and biting nails are gone

# But in the mind

# I know they will still live on and on

# Mm-hm-mm

# But how do you thank someone

# Who has taken you from crayons to perfume?

# It isn't easy but I'll try

# If you wanted the sky

# I would write across the sky in letters

# That would soar a thousand feet high

# To sir, with love... #

Here it comes!

# Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang when you are near

# Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang loud in my ear

# Pounding away, pounding away, won't you be mine?

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time

# We-e-e-e-e-ell!

# Whoo!

# You know you make me wanna shout

-# Look, my hand's jumping

-Shout!

-# Look, my heart's thumping

-Shout!

-# Throw my head back

-Shout!

# Come on now

# Don't forget to say you will

# Don't forget to shout, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Say you will, throw your head back, baby

# Say you will, come on, come on

# Say you will

-# Hey hey hey hey

-Hey hey hey hey

-# Hey hey hey hey

-Hey hey hey hey

-# Hey hey hey hey

-Hey hey hey hey

-# Hey hey hey hey

-Hey hey hey hey

# Shout now, jump up and shout now

# Everybody shout now Everybody shout now

# Everybody shout shout shout shout

# Shout shout shout shout

# Shout shout shout shout

# Shout shout shout shout

# Well, I feel a-a-a-all ri-i-ight! #

My next guest is Mario Net. Strange, I don't remember him.

Oh, hang on, my next guest IS a marionette.

A puppet. Not just any puppet, though. Parker, Lady Penelope's

right-hand man in Thunderbirds.

The left hand was presumably pulling the strings.

-Are you receiving me?

-Hello?

-Can you hear me?

Testing, testing, one, two, three, four.

-Are you receiving me?

-Yes! We are receiving you loud and clear.

The line from Rio is terrific.

But tell me, it's been something like 20 years

since we've seen you, over 20 years

since you first held the nation in thrall of a Saturday morning.

What have you been doing?

After International Rescue broke up, I was asked to come out here

and lie low to do a bit of undercover work.

I've still got my contracts with those in high places, you know.

-You mean the sort of people who pull the strings?

-Oh, yes.

I'm talking about the likes of Michael Grade, Billy Cotton

and of course, Britain's most notorious wanted bloke.

You don't mean to tell me that out of there in sunny Rio,

lying on the beach, surrounded by pina coladas,

you know the elusive Ronnie Biggs?

No, no, I'm inferring to Dirty Den.

I knew him when he was Disgusting Dennis, the snotty-nosed kid.

And he had some horrible habits then.

Well, if you don't mind, I think we'll draw a veil over that.

Tell me, you've lived out in Rio all this time.

The passing years seem to have treated you kindly.

You've even got a tan from where I'm sitting,

so why did you decide to re-emerge?

Since they issued those new videos and put me

and Thunderbirds back on the map, I've been thinking about writing

a book, a "taking the lid off, now it can be revealed" sort of book.

Well, that will be a racy tome, by the sound of it.

A sort of what-the-chauffeur-saw in written form.

You've hit the screw right on the nail, Mr Wogan.

Let's have another forthright question,

a question that must have crossed a million minds

and even perhaps provoked the odd university thesis.

In Thunderbirds, everyone was always saying F.A.B.

You know, "Mission complete, F.A.B." What does it mean?

Well, one night, Jeff Tracy, he liked a little drink, you know.

Anyway, he's just got these people out of the pit of peril

and he told me in conference that F.A.B. was short for fabulous.

Fabulous? That's it?

You mean, grown men have spent endless hours grappling with

the meaning of F.A.B. and it's simply short for fabulous?

I know, it's all been a bit of a storm in a teapot.

But that's the way the biscuit disintegrates.

You're a sly one, Parker. I'm beginning to see that now.

Let's get down to the nitty-gritty. Lady Penelope, hmm?

-Lady Penelope? Come on.

-You know about that, do you?

I'm hoping to be enlightened, actually.

Lady Penelope, there she was, cool, aristocratic, beautiful,

intelligent, rich, unattached, available, all woman, attractive,

even to a humble chauffeur such as yourself, Parker, I suggest.

Say no more, Mr Wogan.

One night, at Lady P's mansion, it had been raining, I remember.

Anyway, her ladyship slipped upstairs to have a bath.

I'd put the Roller away

and I'd just made myself a nice cup of cocoa when...

-Yes?

-PHONE RINGS

Excuse me. Hello?

Oh, it's you, milady.

Yes, milady.

No, milady.

Home, milady?

Now, milady?

Yes, milady.

-You'll never guess who that was, Mr Wogan.

-I'll take a stab in the dark.

-Perhaps it was Lady Penelope?

-Oh, no, that was the higher lady.

She said something about the Official Secrets Act.

Maybe I better forget about my book.

I'll have to go now.

Good night, Mr Wogan.

Good night, everybody.

And keep watching me on those Thunderbird videos.

Well, as they say in Rio,

buenas noches.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Buenas noches.

Now, a lady whose career could have been very different,

if only she'd listened to me.

When she came on the show,

we knew her best as Charlene from Neighbours.

But she had other ambitions. "Careful," I warned her.

"A pop career can be very short-lived."

Shows how much I know. Kylie Minogue.

-Minogue is an Irish name, really, isn't it?

-I think so.

I think it might have originally come from France

-and then moved to Ireland.

-Really?

And come to Australia in the potato famine.

Who knows?

-Most people have a hard enough time pronouncing it.

-Kylie's a kind of...

We're talking about doing the little trail with you.

But Kylie is a kind of popular name for Australian girls.

Yeah, it's an Australian name and, as I say, it means boomerang.

I don't know if it was good or bad to admit that.

But, yeah, I haven't heard anyone else in any other country

-called Kylie.

-Yeah.

I think they're all kind of struck dumb, they're fascinated to see you.

Because it is...

I'm just going to ask the audience - it's kind of different when you see

somebody in real life than when you see them on the telly?

-YES!

-Steady.

I'm a constant source of disappointment.

But I think they'll be quite pleased with you.

-Oh, it's good to see you all here too.

-Yeah.

And good to see you, Kylie.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How long have you been acting?

I first acted when I was 11 years old,

in a show called The Sullivans, which I believe you've had here.

-That's right, we've seen it.

-And, since then...

-I used to like The Sullivans! What's the matter with you?

-Oh, sure!

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Who did I play?

-Who did you play?

-See, you don't know, do you?

-I can't remember, no.

-I played a Dutch girl called Carla.

And then I did some more acting when I was about 16.

-And from then on, I haven't really stopped.

-Yeah. We've...

Obviously the papers have been full of Neighbours

and all the characters in it. And we've had a number

of the characters... among them Jason Donovan,

with whom you have a relationship on the screen.

But off-screen as well?

Yes, we do have a relationship, but not a loving, sexual relationship.

-But...

-Chums?

-We're buddies.

-Yeah.

So we read a lot about you and he being more than friends

-and "perhaps one day" and all that kind of thing.

-Yes, we also read

that I'm anorexic and that I've had an affair...

Lots of things that you read.

-Yeah. You're not anorexic. I mean, you're quite...

-I'm not.

No, you're not. You're quite well covered. You are. Can I...?

No, you're not. You're petite, as you say.

Bit like myself. You've just...

LAUGHTER

In the future, we read that you've left Neighbours,

-that you're going to leave Neighbours.

-Yes...

But you're about 18 months in front of us in Australia?

Yeah, so not for a while. I'm afraid

you'll have to put up with me for a bit longer.

I left about four weeks ago and I haven't been killed off, so...

You could come back?

Yes, it's open for me to return if I wish to do so.

Do you feel that that's a wise thing for you to do?

After all, it is the whole centre of your fame.

I know you've made it as a singer and all that kind of thing.

Do you think maybe if you give up Neighbours,

-you'll slip away a bit?

-I would hope not, but it's there for

me to go back if I want to, which is nice and reassuring to know.

At this stage, I'm really not sure.

I'm concentrating on the next couple of months. But,

-who knows, Charlene might...

-You're concentrating on the singing?

-Yeah.

-But it's as an actress, really. Do you see yourself as a singer or an actress?

-What do you want to be?

-Both.

Eventually you're going to have to come down and decide

-to be one thing or the other?

-Eventually...

You see, pop singing and being a hit maker,

-that can't last as long as being an actress.

-No, true.

I guess with acting you can only keep on learning

and developing new skills. So I really don't know.

I can only sort of think a week ahead.

I'm enjoying what I'm doing at the moment

and I'm concentrating on singing.

I'll hopefully go back to acting after I've done the tour with

-the album. And stay in work, mainly, is my aim.

-Yeah.

-You're 20 years of age, is that right?

-Mm.

It's very young to have achieved the kind of fame

and fortune that you have achieved.

Has it been hard to handle?

Um, no, I don't think so.

The greatest help I have is my family, who are always there for me.

I still live at home. And they're very supportive and stabilising.

And my friends are very close too.

The main thing I've always remembered with this work is

it's a job and it's great fun, it's great being on the shows and

travelling around the world, but if it finishes, I'll do something else.

It's an opportunity not many people get.

-So I'm enjoying it.

-You have to keep your feet on the ground.

It will become increasingly hard to,

because you're going to probably get more famous, not less so.

-I hope so.

-Apart from the little rule

and having your family around you,

who is the greatest inspiration to you?

Who spurred you on to becoming an actress?

I don't know.

It's odd, I wasn't a kid of three years old that said,

"I'm going to be an actor or a singer." I sort of fell

into it by accident, really, and it's turned out for the best.

I was about 10 or 11 years old

and my mother was asked to take my younger sister in, Danielle,

who is four years younger than me, to an audition.

And, of course, I went too.

Otherwise there'd be a bit of arguing in the household. So...

And I got the part.

So at that age I enjoyed it, but I didn't really know what I was doing.

'There lies a tale of sibling rivalry.

'But let's not get distracted.

'After that little chat, we were treated to this...'

# Everybody's doing a brand-new dance now

# Come on, baby, do the loco-motion!

# I know you'll get to like it if you give it a chance now

# Come on, baby, do the loco-motion!

# My little baby sister can do it with me

# It's easier than learning your ABC

# So come on, come on, do the loco-motion with me!

# You gotta swing your hips now

# Come on, baby

# Jump up!

# Ooh, jump back

# Oh, well, I think you've got the knack

# Oh-oh-oh

# Now that you can do it, let's make a chain now

# Come on, baby, do the loco-motion!

# Chug-a, chug-a motion like a railway train now

# Come on, baby, do the loco-motion!

# Do it nice and easy, now don't lose control

# A little bit of rhythm and a lot of soul

# So come on, come on, do the loco-motion with me!

# The loco-motion!

# Come on, come on, the loco-motion!

# Come on, come on, the loco-motion!

# Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

# Move around the floor in a loco-motion

# Come on, baby, do the loco-motion!

# Do it holding hands if you got the notion

# Come on, baby, do the loco-motion!

# There's never been a dance that's so easy to do

# It even makes you happy when you're feeling blue

# So come on, come on, do the loco-motion with me!

# Come on, do the loco-motion

# Come on, do the loco-motion

# Come on, do the loco-motion

# Come on, do the loco-motion

# Everybody's doing a brand-new dance now

# Come on, baby, do the loco-motion!

# I know you'll get to like it if you give it a chance now

# Come on, baby, do the loco-motion!

# My little baby sister can do it with me

# It's easier than learning your ABC

# So come on, come on, do the loco-motion

# Come on, come on, do the loco-motion

# Come on, come on, do the loco-motion with me!

# You've gotta swing your hips now

# Yeah! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And finally, proof that it's a hard life being a chat-show host.

It's not easy coming up with all those questions, you know.

Especially when you're talking to Ade Edmondson

and he's threatening to blow you up if he doesn't like them.

-I've got a little surprise for you in my bag, actually.

-That's great.

-Thanks, Ade. Is this kind of making up for...

-Sort of.

..the rough time you gave me at the Grace Jones award and all,

for being nasty to chat-show hosts? I can't wait to see it. Thank you.

Well, it's actually a bloody big bomb, in case

you ask any boring questions. LAUGHTER

-OK? So, fire away and no more boring questions, Terry!

-Right, so!

So what have you been up to since we last saw you?

-That's not boring. It's not boring.

-It's really boring.

-Just have to get that out here.

-It's not a boring one. That wasn't...

It was VERY boring.

They always ask that. You ask that of everybody. One detonator.

-One stick of dynamite.

-Different tactic... Tell me...

Which side's the heart?

-OK, fire away and no more boring questions.

-All right.

So...

Erm...

I will proceed with a different tack, then, if I may. If I may?

-What are you up to at the moment?

-Ah, fascinating!

Wonderfully interesting question. Lucky, lucky. Well...

We've just finished a series for the BBC. Wonderful company.

-Yes, they are.

-You like them, don't you?

-Nice people.

-Nice people to do business with.

-It's a series.

It's a sitcom called Filthy, Rich And Cat Flap.

It's rather a good title.

It's about three characters called, ironically,

Filthy, Rich and Cat Flap.

There's Filthy. Ralph Filthy. Played by Nigel Planer.

He's a sort of broken-down, pornographic theatrical agent.

A little... No.

There's Richie Rich, who... Filthy Ralph represents.

And Richie Rich is a sort of broken-down celebrity has-been who

never was. And there's me, Edward Cat Flap. And I play, well...

No-one knows what I play, really.

I just do all the "F rhyming with art" gags.

-Yeah. But they're nice ones to do. It suits you.

-Yes.

The whole show is based on sort of celebrities,

-like the people you have on your show.

-You're a kind of minor

-celebrity yourself, aren't you?

-Yes.

-A small celebrity.

-Ours is more about celebrities like...

-the golfers.

-Yeah.

-The golfing celebrities.

Nicholas Parsons, you always give him a rough time.

That vast army of ex-stand-up comedians who did one half-funny

gag on Sunday Night At The London Palladium in the middle '60s

and been earning a fortune doing game shows ever since.

"Your name is Cynthia and you'd like me

"to patronise and humiliate you on the chance of winning a Teasmaid."

-Cheeky chappies. Blinking thingies, if you ask me.

-Really? Blinking?

Sorry. Faux pas! Terry used to do his own game show!

Then, you were never funny in the first place, Terry.

No, I'm sorry, you were never a comedian, sorry. I've got to be nice.

I've got to be nice. No rude words. Carry on.

-Now, you've had a number one, haven't you?

-Yeah.

Ooh-er, sounds a bit rude!

-Haven't you done a record with Cliff?

-Oh, yes, the record.

I've had one of those as well.

-But he seems a bit upset by the video, doesn't he?

-Yes, apparently.

-Another blasphemy charge.

-Oh, no.

-I don't quite follow it.

Do you follow it?

No, I'm trying to think of interesting questions for you.

-You better. It's still here.

-You've written this book.

-I certainly have.

What's it called, Terry?

-I don't know what it's called.

-They know what it's called.

I know what it's called. I'm not going

to have to say what it's called.

No, because it's not a plugging show, this.

No, of course it's not a plugging show.

Of course it isn't. Plug, plug, plug. I'm here to plug my book.

I'm not here for any other reason. Not any.

Last time, did I get invited out to dinner? No!

No chance getting friendly with Terry, is there?

-It's "Come on and plug your book."

-Can I...?

I'll ask you probably the most interesting question.

A lot of fun at the Edmondson household.

Who makes the jokes, between you and Jennifer and everybody?

-People would love to know that.

-That's the boring question.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

THE BOMB "DETONATES"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, it's as good a cue as any. We're going out on a big bang.

But I'll be back with more next time. I hope to see you then.