Cysgod Rhyfel

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-# AVE VERUM CORPUS #

-Mozart

-We played in Maesgeirchen,

-by the River Cegin...

-..in the wood,

-running from tree to tree.

-We pretended to shoot each other.

-I enjoyed being out

-on the Black Mountain.

-I liked playing soldiers as a child,

-in the woods and on the mountains.

-Cowboys and Indians.

-Cowboys and Indians.

-

-Goodies and Baddies.

-John Wayne was everyone's hero.

-When I was young...

-..I remember crawling with a friend

-in long grass in my father's garden.

-The Indians went out

-on the Black Mountain.

-For an hour or two, you saw no-one.

-I pretended to be in the army.

-I pretended to be in the army.

-

-We argued about who killed the most.

-We pretended to kill each other,

-running and hiding.

-Then they came from behind

-the rocks. It was marvellous.

-Yes, it was a laugh.

-It was marvellous.

-Now I'm older

-and I've had these experiences...

-..I'm not so naive.

-It was fun,

-having a laugh with the boys.

-But it wasn't true.

-Since mankind existed,

-war has existed.

-There are references to war

-in historical literature.

-Looking back at the literature...

-..we see the symptoms

-now known as PTSD...

-..or common psychological problems.

-We know that people suffered

-psychologically in World War I.

-Maybe it was the first time...

-..we saw that people

-can suffer psychologically.

-War and fighting methods

-have changed...

-..and so have the problems.

-Because of the stigma attached to

-mental health problems in general...

-..the media don't always help us...

-..to understand

-psychological problems.

-I remember going to Army Careers,

-to try to join up.

-Everyone said, "Yes,

-you can join up." I was happy.

-We went down to Swansea...

-..to the Careers Office.

-I thought, "Yes, that's me.

-I know what I'm supposed to be."

-I was very close to my grandfather.

-I wanted to make him proud of me.

-I went on the train to Aldershot,

-to Buller Barracks.

-There was quite a big gang of us

-from North Wales...

-..from Blaenau and Anglesey.

-A lot of us first met when we went

-to catch the train in Bangor.

-When I joined,

-people who were important to me...

-..like my grandfathers

-and Uncle Lewis had passed away.

-They never saw me there.

-It was good to meet people from

-outside Bangor and make new friends.

-Great.

-I was a Junior Guardsman in the

-Welsh Guards at sixteen and a half.

-You got the uniform.

-We had Physical Training every day,

-a lot of press-ups and sit-ups.

-It was a shock to the system.

-We ran or marched everywhere.

-Mostly, we ran everywhere.

-I was more confident.

-You feel like John Wayne.

-Mam would say

-I was a bit more cocky.

-The training was hellishly tough.

-It knocks everything out of you,

-then rebuilds you.

-It gives you a lot of confidence.

-It helps you pick up things quickly.

-If they tried

-to teach you something...

-..and you didn't pick it up at once,

-they punished you.

-No-one wanted that. They made us

-run and all sorts of things.

-If you didn't want that,

-you had to pick things up quickly.

-The camaraderie

-is a huge part of the army.

-We played pranks all the time.

-You daren't leave your locker open.

-We were staying in a windy place,

-in a small camp on a mountain top.

-During the day, we were by the sea,

-so the salty wind dried the skin.

-It affected

-one of the lads quite badly.

-In the army, your kit should

-always be within reach...

-..in case you need it suddenly.

-When you're in camp,

-you don't think like that.

-If you forgot,

-you got bricks in your pack.

-There was a pile of food

-under my sheets when I went to bed.

-"Have you got cream?

-My skin is dry."

-I gave him a tube of Algipan.

-I lay down on about

-5 worth of chips from McDonald's.

-Instead of 25 kilos, you had 35.

-If you played a joke on someone,

-you expected it back...

-..maybe ten times worse.

-I hid for ages from Big Kev,

-who was six foot eight.

-Got to roll with the punches!

-The passing out parade

-in Harrogate was very big.

-It was August, 1975.

-My parents, brothers and sisters

-came and grandmother too.

-It was great.

-You were on cloud nine.

-We had to do demonstrations.

-I did one part

-in front of the families.

-I looked for Mam, Dad

-and the family.

-When you saw them, you grew an inch.

-Stomach in, chest out job.

-I had to do press-ups

-in front of everyone.

-I heard Ant shout "Dad!"

-I'm sure I did 1,000 press-ups,

-I felt so strong.

-I probably didn't!

-I thought, "This is the next step.

-"What's the next experience?

-I'll try that, to test myself."

-Away.

-I wasn't just Maldwyn,

-I was a soldier, a Welsh Guardsman.

-I've done it.

-I'm a soldier now.

-In 1982, we heard about Argentina

-and the Falklands invasion.

-No-one knew where the Falklands

-were, near the Shetlands, maybe.

-They asked for volunteers

-to go to Afghanistan...

-..with the Coldstream Guards.

-I volunteered,

-with about fourteen others.

-It was a shock to the system.

-One moment,

-I was in camp in Britain...

-..the next, in Camp Bastion.

-I'd only been going out

-with my wife for a few months.

-I had to leave her for seven months.

-You prepare yourself as much

-as you can for the fighting.

-You look after yourself

-and your friends.

-But no-one can prepare you

-for what you'll see.

-"With confidence

-in our armed forces...

-"..with the unbounding

-determination."

-"We have to do what is necessary."

-"Just two hours ago, allied

-air forces began an attack...

-"..on military targets

-in Iraq and Kuwait."

-"The attack was carried out

-by a four nation force.

-"United States forces, British

-forces, Saudi Arabian forces...

-"..and Kuwaiti forces."

-"Tonight,

-British servicemen and women...

-"..are engaged from air,

-land and sea.

-"Their mission, to remove

-Saddam Hussein from power...

-"..and disarm Iraq

-of its weapons of mass destruction."

-"We will win this conflict by the

-patient accumulation of successes...

-"..by meeting a series

-of challenges with determination...

-"..and will and purpose."

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-I was very proud.

-I was scared.

-But I know that's what

-he wanted to be part of.

-He was going

-to do his job as a medic.

-That's where he wanted to be.

-So I was very proud

-he could go and do that.

-I was at home with the children.

-The children and my own family...

-..were a great support.

-I only had four weeks' notice.

-But we all knew that

-at one point, we'd go there.

-It wasn't a shock

-to the system, really.

-We were in Andersonstown, Belfast.

-We all went to get

-a flak jacket, rifle and ammunition.

-When I heard we were going there,

-I was quite excited.

-I looked forward.

-The first time I went out, I was

-happy to go somewhere different...

-..and do what I joined up to do.

-I was happy,

-after training for so long...

-..to actually get to do it.

-We were a Mobile Observation Group.

-We had three artillery guns

-and eight or nine other vehicles.

-Our work was to travel round

-Afghanistan in Helmand Province.

-To stabilize the area and try to

-make it better for the local people.

-We did small things...

-..like speaking to the village elder

-when we arrived in a new area.

-Simple things, like handing out

-paracetamols and bandages...

-..and chocolate to children.

-You hoped it would be over

-by the time you arrived.

-But another part of you

-wanted to fight.

-There was excitement

-and anxiousness, in a way.

-A small part said,

-"I hope it'll be over."

-But no, I was glad it wasn't.

-I didn't believe...

-..that the people could...

-..have so much hate.

-When you arrived there...

-..you were ready to go.

-I wasn't sure what to expect,

-to be honest.

-I just thought, go with the flow.

-EXPLOSION

-The first time it all kicked off, I

-was ready for what they tried to do.

-We had trained so much and so hard,

-we didn't have to think.

-GUNFIRE

-The last thing you think of

-is what's happening.

-You don't think until later.

-After a week or two,

-I knew we were in a war.

-When we went out, there were riots.

-People threw petrol bombs,

-bricks and paint.

-There are criteria

-for giving a PTSD diagnosis.

-They help to recognize

-the symptoms associated with PTSD.

-There must be

-a life-threatening event...

-..or a perception

-of a life-threatening event.

-We came off the QE2

-on landing crafts...

-..in San Carlos.

-We formed up and we had to march

-on foot for eight miles.

-You just put your head down

-and carried on.

-Rain was pissing down.

-It was cold.

-I'd never felt cold

-like that before.

-We reached where we were

-supposed to go and we holed in.

-It was an exposed spot.

-Then we got orders to move on,

-to Goose Green I think...

-..to fight with

-the Paras in Goose Green.

-We marched overnight.

-We didn't carry everything,

-just what we needed, battle order.

-We went a mile or two.

-The officers decided

-it was too hard going.

-So we turned and went back

-to our former position.

-I was very disappointed.

-We'd psyched ourselves up.

-We knew we were moving overnight...

-..and going to fight

-in a real war the next day.

-It didn't happen. The Paras

-had to carry on without us.

-We ended up being moved around,

-to the ships.

-That's how we ended up

-on the Galahad.

-We went to Andersonstown

-and Glassmullen.

-We all tried to be brave.

-But inside, my stomach was turning.

-You're out on the street...

-..walking, with no armoured car.

-It's an empty world.

-You try to be organized.

-But it happens suddenly.

-You hear gunshots.

-You turn back and

-one of the lads is on the ground.

-It's...

-..it's tough to see.

-You're three weeks in...

-..and one of them...

-..has fallen.

-You can't go to help.

-It's...

-GUNFIRE

-EXPLOSION

-From point of contact to point

-of surgery in Camp Bastion...

-..we must get them in an hour.

-We must, or the chances

-of survival go down very rapidly.

-GUNFIRE

-After the lads left

-in the helicopter...

-..I'd ask myself, "Did I do enough?"

-I'd open a Medpac

-to replenish things...

-..and I'd find something and think,

-"I should have done that!"

-I was the only medic, so it was down

-to me to do something about it.

-I felt a lot of pressure.

-We went back and forth

-between ships.

-We ended up on the Galahad.

-They moved us overnight...

-..to Fitzroy in Port Pleasant.

-We landed at about

-3.00am and sat there.

-The idea was that

-we'd leave the ship in the dark...

-..then the ship would go

-before sunrise.

-But we sat there all day.

-I remember sitting on the Galahad

-watching a bloke on a crane.

-I saw shock and fear on his face.

-He leapt out of the crane.

-He just jumped out.

-Everything seemed to be

-in slow motion.

-EXPLOSION

-Next, we felt a wave of heat

-passing over our heads.

-We heard the lads dying.

-Those who were alive

-screamed in pain.

-I think those who died, thank God,

-died quite quickly.

-There was a smell in the air,

-of skin burning.

-It's a smell you never forget.

-You don't want to smell it again.

-It was dark on the ship,

-filling with smoke.

-Bullets and bombs

-went off everywhere.

-The only thing we could do

-was get the lads off.

-Four or five of us

-sorted things out.

-We got everyone from the front

-of the ship to the back.

-No-one knew where to go.

-I saw death ten feet away from me.

-Lads that close to me were dying.

-I knew that nothing

-could be done for them.

-But...

-..I'm not selfish, but you have

-to look after the living first.

-But we got more lads down the ship.

-We couldn't get to the lads who

-were burnt, the ones who had died.

-Off we went.

-You were...

-..mm.

-We got to land

-on the lifeboats, in Fitzroy.

-Typical Welsh Guards, form up

-in three ranks, call the roll.

-We stood there, then another

-jet came at us from nowhere.

-Everyone who had guns

-fired at the plane.

-So I did shoot in anger,

-as they say.

-That took some

-of the frustration away.

-The jet did crash.

-I don't know if the pilot survived.

-That was quite...

-..alright.

-Spot on.

-He was doing his work. He was there

-to kill us, and us to kill him.

-A job's a job.

-The hardest part

-was the children, really.

-We had one incident

-when a boy found a rocket.

-He was about five years old

-and didn't know what he was doing.

-It exploded,

-taking off the top of his head.

-But he was outside the camp wall.

-I jumped in a Land Rover

-with two lads from the Artillery.

-We went out to treat him.

-But we had to treat him out there.

-The ICOM chatter radio could pick

-up what the Taliban were saying.

-The Taliban were nearby.

-They saw what happened.

-They were rallying each other

-to attack us.

-That made me angry,

-more than anything.

-We tried to help

-the young Afghan boy.

-The Taliban took it

-as an opportunity to attack us.

-They couldn't see that

-the Infidel were trying to help.

-They wanted to get us.

-The boy was alive

-when we got him on the helicopter.

-He died in Camp Bastion.

-That upset me.

-My child was the same age,

-so it was very upsetting.

-I remember being moved

-to the Sir Tristram.

-Galahad's sister ship

-was exactly the same ship.

-The battalion got on it.

-That's the first time

-we held a memorial service.

-That's the day we found out

-who had been killed.

-The Regiment Sergeant Major

-Tony Davies read out the names.

-That was hard.

-We fought back the tears.

-We sang a couple of hymns.

-The Last Post

-was played on the bugle.

-When the Last Post played...

-..many of us big, hard men...

-..had tears in our eyes.

-Yes...

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-We came home from

-the Falklands to be told...

-.."You're back now. The war is over.

-You're back to real soldiering."

-By this, he meant public duties,

-guarding Buckingham Palace.

-It doesn't happen like that.

-We came home and went out own way.

-I was home for six weeks.

-Too much time.

-There were parties everywhere.

-I didn't want a fuss.

-I just left. I didn't want to

-be with my family or in the party.

-I wanted to be with the boys.

-I wasn't enjoying it any more.

-I'd thought of leaving

-for two years, but I couldn't.

-I didn't know what to do.

-I just decided to leave

-and see how it goes. I had to go.

-I left in the eighties.

-It was hard to come back

-to civilian life.

-I went out one day in Bangor.

-I drank 32 pints and half a bottle

-of Bacardi and I was still sober.

-There were a lot of Bangor lads

-on the Galahad.

-We were still together.

-We weren't talking about it.

-We held it back.

-When faced with

-a life-threatening situation...

-..a symptom of PTSD

-is hyper-vigilance.

-The sufferer experiences

-regular episodes...

-..of a flight-or-fright reaction.

-I think it was New Year's Eve...

-..when it became most noticeable.

-The Sergeant Major

-came to me in Afghanistan.

-He said, "You've been chosen to go

-home on Rest And Recuperation."

-I went from

-the Afghanistan frontline...

-..to my front room in Bethesda

-having a brew...

-..in less than 48 hours.

-We didn't imagine

-it would have such an affect.

-We had very little warning

-of his homecoming.

-We thought everything

-would go back to normal.

-We had a party on New Year's Eve

-for family and friends.

-The fireworks went off at midnight.

-I couldn't handle the noise.

-I had been with the Artillery

-at the time.

-GUNFIRE

-Before the end of the night

-I was under the table...

-..wearing a helmet and

-body armour, struggling to cope.

-We didn't want

-to make a big deal of it.

-We didn't want him to feel bad...

-..or for the children

-to think something was wrong...

-..or to scare them.

-We carried on.

-I don't view it as something

-I've been through on my own.

-We've gone through it as a family.

-We've gone through it as a family.

-

-I don't like the word "suffer".

-I don't think I'm suffering now.

-I hadn't realized

-that I might have PTSD.

-I have no military experience.

-There's a historical culture

-within the army...

-..where it's not the norm

-to talk about feelings.

-Perhaps it's not easy for people

-talk about their feelings...

-..and how they deal

-with their problems and experiences.

-It's easier to forget...

-..or try to forget the experiences.

-As a soldier,

-you know you're someone.

-I didn't feel I was a person.

-The human body

-is like a complex factory.

-Many processes

-take place to support life.

-If something

-goes wrong physically...

-..problems develop

-which can be bad for the body.

-If you ignore

-that something is wrong...

-..or that there are problems...

-..physically,

-emotionally or psychologically...

-..gradually the problems worsen...

-..without treatment.

-At around 4.30am, I remember

-sitting on Beach Road in Bangor.

-I was there at 4.30am every morning.

-I couldn't sleep.

-With each day that passed,

-I was drinking more...

-..and getting into trouble.

-That was the first time

-I felt it had affected me.

-I ignored it and carried on.

-There were times when I wanted

-to talk about what had happened.

-But no-one understood.

-I left the army in 1993.

-I wanted to join the police force.

-I was accepted within five weeks.

-I've been lucky.

-I haven't been out of work.

-I was happy to be back in uniform...

-..working as part of a team.

-I've worked hard.

-I've put in 100% every day...

-..all my life.

-I had a bad flashback a while ago.

-I went on a police course.

-It was a Colleague Support Course.

-I'd put forward my name

-to go and help my friends.

-I could see how stressful

-it was to be a policeman.

-There are many fatalities.

-Physical work

-puts pressure on the body.

-In the same way, if someone

-is in a stressful situation...

-..there is emotional pressure, too.

-If this happens

-over a long period of time...

-..with no time to reflect or discuss

-what's happening to them...

-..that pressure increases.

-Problems arise as a result

-of being under pressure.

-It was a Thursday. The course

-started on Monday, and it was great.

-We did a day of PTSD.

-There was a policeman

-on the course...

-..who had been shot

-in Colwyn Bay in the seventies.

-He described what happened,

-coming face to face with a shotgun.

-The bullet came towards him in

-slow motion. That made me think.

-On the Galahad,

-things happened in slow motion.

-My mind was switched on.

-I was sweating, then I felt cold.

-We broke for lunch.

-We returned in the afternoon

-and carried on with the training.

-They began to discuss PTSD.

-They showed police footage

-of the Bradford fire.

-I watched it and had a flashback.

-I was back on the ship.

-But this time...

-..I was shouting and

-telling people what to do...

-..even though I knew where I was.

-I sorted myself out, got up

-and walked out of the room.

-The force counsellor came out

-and I told him what happened.

-That was the first time for me...

-..to share my feelings.

-Then I had help.

-I had counselling sessions.

-I took an overdose of tablets.

-It finished my marriage.

-I was going off the rails.

-That was a cry for help.

-It started with a small trigger.

-And then there was Iraq.

-But Afghanistan

-was the major trigger...

-..seeing the boys coming home,

-their coffins draped in a flag.

-It took me back to Ireland.

-I wanted to be in that box.

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-INAUDIBLE WHISPERS

-Unless people suffering from PTSD

-or depression get treatment...

-..the problems can get worse...

-..to the point of suicide.

-I know people

-who have taken their own lives.

-Two or three from my regiment did.

-I've been away, I've seen things.

-But I have friends

-who have seen far worse than me.

-They're not here today

-to talk about it.

-I remember watching a TV programme.

-I'd heard about Dan Collins,

-Lance Sergeant Welsh Guards.

-I was a Welsh Guards Lance Sergeant.

-Even though he joined after me,

-we still belong to the same family.

-I've been out 20 years.

-The Welsh Guards

-are a big part of my life.

-I watched a programme...

-..and saw Dan talking openly

-on his mobile phone.

-It was a cry for help.

-He talked openly

-for the world to see...

-..before taking his own life.

-THIS IS DAN COLLINS'S

-LAST MESSAGE TO HIS MOTHER

-Hiya, Mum.

-Just a video to say I'm sorry.

-Ever since I've come back from there

-I've turned into a horrible person.

-I don't like who I am any more.

-This is why I'm doing

-what I'm doing, OK?

-I know it's selfish but

-it's what I want and what I need.

-I can't live like this any more.

-Um... one thing I'd like to ask...

-..could I have a full military

-funeral if that's possible.

-That's how I'd like to go.

-Mum, please don't get too upset.

-You've got to understand

-this is what I want.

-I've tried all the help.

-Nothing seems to be working, OK?

-I love you, OK?

-I'll see you

-up there in a few years...

-..hopefully not in a few years,

-but you know what I mean.

-I love you. Bye.

-It broke my heart,

-feeling for him and his family.

-He didn't get the help

-he cried out for.

-His mother talked so bravely

-and openly, fair play to her.

-These lads are so young,

-with their lives in front of them.

-They feel on their own,

-and they can't help themselves.

-That still hurts me.

-Dan Collins was 29 years old.

-I married a nurse.

-She didn't know.

-I couldn't talk to her.

-I thought Lydia was being nosey.

-I didn't believe

-she was trying to help me.

-She asked me...

-..to go and see the Charity.

-I went on a Monday.

-From the outset...

-..I knew they wanted to help.

-They had heart.

-I'd gone through life...

-..believing no-one understood.

-People ask, "What's right for you?"

-They ask how I feel...

-..and they try to get therapy

-to help you.

-At the end...

-..I came out of the office

-and spoke to Lydia.

-I realized...

-..I could smell better,

-hear better...

-..I could see colours, everything.

-I didn't know

-what sound the rain made.

-It's always been there.

-It's clearer now.

-I'm alive now.

-My heart goes out to them.

-I know what the darkness looks like.

-SOUND OF WAVES

-It'll be 32 years this year.

-I didn't think

-that it had affected me.

-But looking back, it did affect me.

-As I said, I didn't want

-to be in the house or in bed.

-I wanted to be where I felt

-most comfortable, on Beach Road...

-..sitting there on my own.

-It's odd,

-but I loved the smell of the sea.

-I'd never thought about it before.

-I like being by the sea now...

-..although it reminds me

-of what happened that day.

-I'm lucky to be alive.

-I can smell it, my friends can't.

-I still feel guilty that I'm here.

-The best way I deal

-with things is to work.

-I'm a pub landlord now.

-I'm a pub landlord now.

-

-Once I left the army...

-..I had a job with

-the Military College in Bangor.

-I'm happier out of the army.

-I'm home all the time,

-I see more of my friends.

-I can plan anything I want.

-I have to prepare lessons,

-mark work. That keeps me busy.

-Work stops me from dwelling...

-..on the things I've done.

-I hope to get a good job.

-I have a good job now.

-I hope to get a promotion

-and take it from there.

-I wouldn't tell anyone not to do it,

-but to be realistic.

-It's a hard life.

-It's a dangerous life.

-Go in with eyes wide open

-and not rose-tinted glasses.

-We have a better understanding...

-..of psychological problems

-that arise as a result of war.

-The treatment is better.

-After the recent fighting

-in Afghanistan and Iraq...

-..there's a chance

-that more people...

-..can find help earlier than before.

-PTSD is unpredictable

-and personal to the individual.

-They deal with it in their own way.

-It's not an illness

-that's easily diagnosed.

-I'm OK.

-I've found a way to deal

-with it without support.

-That's just luck,

-not something I'd planned.

-I didn't leave

-the army with a game plan.

-Touch wood,

-everything fell into place.

-The boys come back on leave from

-Afghanistan and I chat with them.

-I tell them they've been through

-a lot and seen terrible things...

-..and I'm there

-if they need to talk.

-I don't think it's affected me yet.

-I might have it. I don't know.

-I've just left the army. I'm fresh.

-I'm still in the honeymoon period.

-I feel that I can function now.

-I know what I'm doing.

-There will always

-be a shadow over my life.

-But I won't let

-the dark shadow affect me.

-For everything bad I remember,

-I try to remember something good.

-That makes me feel better...

-..when I think

-'Why me? Why am I still alive?'

-When I'm helping other people,

-the young lads back on leave...

-..that's the reason

-why I'm still here.

-I know everyone has ups and downs.

-I don't want to go back.

-There's plenty of help out there.

-You've got to talk to someone.

-# Miserere mei, Deus #

-In memory of those

-we'll always remember.

-And the ones who can't ever forget.

-# Secundum magnam

-# Misericordiam tuam

-# Misericordiam

-# Tuam

-# Secundum magnam

-# Misericordiam tuam #

-S4C Subtitles by Gwead

-.