Cysgod Rhyfel


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Cysgod Rhyfel

Mae pedwar cyn-filwr yn trafod eu profiadau ar faes y gad gan ddatgelu'r effeithiau seicolegol ac emosiynol. Four veterans discuss their experiences and the psychological effect...


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-# AVE VERUM CORPUS #

-Mozart

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-We played in Maesgeirchen,

-by the River Cegin...

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-..in the wood,

-running from tree to tree.

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-We pretended to shoot each other.

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-I enjoyed being out

-on the Black Mountain.

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-I liked playing soldiers as a child,

-in the woods and on the mountains.

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-Cowboys and Indians.

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-Cowboys and Indians.

-

-Goodies and Baddies.

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-John Wayne was everyone's hero.

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-When I was young...

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-..I remember crawling with a friend

-in long grass in my father's garden.

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-The Indians went out

-on the Black Mountain.

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-For an hour or two, you saw no-one.

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-I pretended to be in the army.

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-I pretended to be in the army.

-

-We argued about who killed the most.

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-We pretended to kill each other,

-running and hiding.

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-Then they came from behind

-the rocks. It was marvellous.

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-Yes, it was a laugh.

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-It was marvellous.

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-Now I'm older

-and I've had these experiences...

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-..I'm not so naive.

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-It was fun,

-having a laugh with the boys.

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-But it wasn't true.

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-Since mankind existed,

-war has existed.

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-There are references to war

-in historical literature.

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-Looking back at the literature...

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-..we see the symptoms

-now known as PTSD...

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-..or common psychological problems.

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-We know that people suffered

-psychologically in World War I.

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-Maybe it was the first time...

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-..we saw that people

-can suffer psychologically.

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-War and fighting methods

-have changed...

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-..and so have the problems.

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-Because of the stigma attached to

-mental health problems in general...

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-..the media don't always help us...

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-..to understand

-psychological problems.

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-I remember going to Army Careers,

-to try to join up.

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-Everyone said, "Yes,

-you can join up." I was happy.

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-We went down to Swansea...

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-..to the Careers Office.

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-I thought, "Yes, that's me.

-I know what I'm supposed to be."

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-I was very close to my grandfather.

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-I wanted to make him proud of me.

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-I went on the train to Aldershot,

-to Buller Barracks.

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-There was quite a big gang of us

-from North Wales...

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-..from Blaenau and Anglesey.

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-A lot of us first met when we went

-to catch the train in Bangor.

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-When I joined,

-people who were important to me...

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-..like my grandfathers

-and Uncle Lewis had passed away.

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-They never saw me there.

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-It was good to meet people from

-outside Bangor and make new friends.

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-Great.

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-I was a Junior Guardsman in the

-Welsh Guards at sixteen and a half.

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-You got the uniform.

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-We had Physical Training every day,

-a lot of press-ups and sit-ups.

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-It was a shock to the system.

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-We ran or marched everywhere.

-Mostly, we ran everywhere.

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-I was more confident.

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-You feel like John Wayne.

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-Mam would say

-I was a bit more cocky.

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-The training was hellishly tough.

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-It knocks everything out of you,

-then rebuilds you.

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-It gives you a lot of confidence.

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-It helps you pick up things quickly.

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-If they tried

-to teach you something...

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-..and you didn't pick it up at once,

-they punished you.

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-No-one wanted that. They made us

-run and all sorts of things.

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-If you didn't want that,

-you had to pick things up quickly.

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-The camaraderie

-is a huge part of the army.

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-We played pranks all the time.

-You daren't leave your locker open.

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-We were staying in a windy place,

-in a small camp on a mountain top.

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-During the day, we were by the sea,

-so the salty wind dried the skin.

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-It affected

-one of the lads quite badly.

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-In the army, your kit should

-always be within reach...

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-..in case you need it suddenly.

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-When you're in camp,

-you don't think like that.

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-If you forgot,

-you got bricks in your pack.

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-There was a pile of food

-under my sheets when I went to bed.

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-"Have you got cream?

-My skin is dry."

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-I gave him a tube of Algipan.

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-I lay down on about

-5 worth of chips from McDonald's.

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-Instead of 25 kilos, you had 35.

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-If you played a joke on someone,

-you expected it back...

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-..maybe ten times worse.

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-I hid for ages from Big Kev,

-who was six foot eight.

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-Got to roll with the punches!

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-The passing out parade

-in Harrogate was very big.

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-It was August, 1975.

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-My parents, brothers and sisters

-came and grandmother too.

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-It was great.

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-You were on cloud nine.

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-We had to do demonstrations.

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-I did one part

-in front of the families.

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-I looked for Mam, Dad

-and the family.

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-When you saw them, you grew an inch.

-Stomach in, chest out job.

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-I had to do press-ups

-in front of everyone.

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-I heard Ant shout "Dad!"

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-I'm sure I did 1,000 press-ups,

-I felt so strong.

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-I probably didn't!

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-I thought, "This is the next step.

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-"What's the next experience?

-I'll try that, to test myself."

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-Away.

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-I wasn't just Maldwyn,

-I was a soldier, a Welsh Guardsman.

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-I've done it.

-I'm a soldier now.

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-In 1982, we heard about Argentina

-and the Falklands invasion.

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-No-one knew where the Falklands

-were, near the Shetlands, maybe.

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-They asked for volunteers

-to go to Afghanistan...

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-..with the Coldstream Guards.

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-I volunteered,

-with about fourteen others.

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-It was a shock to the system.

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-One moment,

-I was in camp in Britain...

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-..the next, in Camp Bastion.

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-I'd only been going out

-with my wife for a few months.

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-I had to leave her for seven months.

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-You prepare yourself as much

-as you can for the fighting.

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-You look after yourself

-and your friends.

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-But no-one can prepare you

-for what you'll see.

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-"With confidence

-in our armed forces...

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-"..with the unbounding

-determination."

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-"We have to do what is necessary."

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-"Just two hours ago, allied

-air forces began an attack...

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-"..on military targets

-in Iraq and Kuwait."

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-"The attack was carried out

-by a four nation force.

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-"United States forces, British

-forces, Saudi Arabian forces...

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-"..and Kuwaiti forces."

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-"Tonight,

-British servicemen and women...

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-"..are engaged from air,

-land and sea.

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-"Their mission, to remove

-Saddam Hussein from power...

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-"..and disarm Iraq

-of its weapons of mass destruction."

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-"We will win this conflict by the

-patient accumulation of successes...

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-"..by meeting a series

-of challenges with determination...

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-"..and will and purpose."

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-.

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-Subtitles

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-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

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-I was very proud.

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-I was scared.

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-But I know that's what

-he wanted to be part of.

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-He was going

-to do his job as a medic.

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-That's where he wanted to be.

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-So I was very proud

-he could go and do that.

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-I was at home with the children.

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-The children and my own family...

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-..were a great support.

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-I only had four weeks' notice.

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-But we all knew that

-at one point, we'd go there.

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-It wasn't a shock

-to the system, really.

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-We were in Andersonstown, Belfast.

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-We all went to get

-a flak jacket, rifle and ammunition.

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-When I heard we were going there,

-I was quite excited.

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-I looked forward.

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-The first time I went out, I was

-happy to go somewhere different...

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-..and do what I joined up to do.

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-I was happy,

-after training for so long...

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-..to actually get to do it.

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-We were a Mobile Observation Group.

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-We had three artillery guns

-and eight or nine other vehicles.

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-Our work was to travel round

-Afghanistan in Helmand Province.

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-To stabilize the area and try to

-make it better for the local people.

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-We did small things...

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-..like speaking to the village elder

-when we arrived in a new area.

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-Simple things, like handing out

-paracetamols and bandages...

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-..and chocolate to children.

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-You hoped it would be over

-by the time you arrived.

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-But another part of you

-wanted to fight.

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-There was excitement

-and anxiousness, in a way.

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-A small part said,

-"I hope it'll be over."

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-But no, I was glad it wasn't.

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-I didn't believe...

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-..that the people could...

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-..have so much hate.

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-When you arrived there...

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-..you were ready to go.

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-I wasn't sure what to expect,

-to be honest.

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-I just thought, go with the flow.

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-EXPLOSION

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-The first time it all kicked off, I

-was ready for what they tried to do.

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-We had trained so much and so hard,

-we didn't have to think.

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-GUNFIRE

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-The last thing you think of

-is what's happening.

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-You don't think until later.

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-After a week or two,

-I knew we were in a war.

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-When we went out, there were riots.

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-People threw petrol bombs,

-bricks and paint.

0:13:180:13:23

-There are criteria

-for giving a PTSD diagnosis.

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-They help to recognize

-the symptoms associated with PTSD.

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-There must be

-a life-threatening event...

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-..or a perception

-of a life-threatening event.

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-We came off the QE2

-on landing crafts...

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-..in San Carlos.

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-We formed up and we had to march

-on foot for eight miles.

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-You just put your head down

-and carried on.

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-Rain was pissing down.

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-It was cold.

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-I'd never felt cold

-like that before.

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-We reached where we were

-supposed to go and we holed in.

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-It was an exposed spot.

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-Then we got orders to move on,

-to Goose Green I think...

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-..to fight with

-the Paras in Goose Green.

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-We marched overnight.

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-We didn't carry everything,

-just what we needed, battle order.

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-We went a mile or two.

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-The officers decided

-it was too hard going.

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-So we turned and went back

-to our former position.

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-I was very disappointed.

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-We'd psyched ourselves up.

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-We knew we were moving overnight...

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-..and going to fight

-in a real war the next day.

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-It didn't happen. The Paras

-had to carry on without us.

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-We ended up being moved around,

-to the ships.

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-That's how we ended up

-on the Galahad.

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-We went to Andersonstown

-and Glassmullen.

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-We all tried to be brave.

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-But inside, my stomach was turning.

0:15:430:15:46

-You're out on the street...

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-..walking, with no armoured car.

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-It's an empty world.

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-You try to be organized.

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-But it happens suddenly.

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-You hear gunshots.

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-You turn back and

-one of the lads is on the ground.

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-It's...

0:16:230:16:24

-..it's tough to see.

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-You're three weeks in...

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-..and one of them...

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-..has fallen.

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-You can't go to help.

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-It's...

0:16:570:16:58

-GUNFIRE

0:17:050:17:06

-EXPLOSION

0:17:100:17:12

-From point of contact to point

-of surgery in Camp Bastion...

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-..we must get them in an hour.

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-We must, or the chances

-of survival go down very rapidly.

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-GUNFIRE

0:17:260:17:27

-After the lads left

-in the helicopter...

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-..I'd ask myself, "Did I do enough?"

0:17:310:17:34

-I'd open a Medpac

-to replenish things...

0:17:340:17:38

-..and I'd find something and think,

-"I should have done that!"

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-I was the only medic, so it was down

-to me to do something about it.

0:17:430:17:47

-I felt a lot of pressure.

0:17:480:17:50

-We went back and forth

-between ships.

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-We ended up on the Galahad.

0:17:550:17:57

-They moved us overnight...

0:17:580:18:00

-..to Fitzroy in Port Pleasant.

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-We landed at about

-3.00am and sat there.

0:18:050:18:10

-The idea was that

-we'd leave the ship in the dark...

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-..then the ship would go

-before sunrise.

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-But we sat there all day.

0:18:210:18:23

-I remember sitting on the Galahad

-watching a bloke on a crane.

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-I saw shock and fear on his face.

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-He leapt out of the crane.

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-He just jumped out.

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-Everything seemed to be

-in slow motion.

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-EXPLOSION

0:18:520:18:54

-Next, we felt a wave of heat

-passing over our heads.

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-We heard the lads dying.

0:19:070:19:10

-Those who were alive

-screamed in pain.

0:19:100:19:13

-I think those who died, thank God,

-died quite quickly.

0:19:130:19:18

-There was a smell in the air,

-of skin burning.

0:19:210:19:26

-It's a smell you never forget.

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-You don't want to smell it again.

0:19:280:19:31

-It was dark on the ship,

-filling with smoke.

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-Bullets and bombs

-went off everywhere.

0:19:360:19:38

-The only thing we could do

-was get the lads off.

0:19:390:19:42

-Four or five of us

-sorted things out.

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-We got everyone from the front

-of the ship to the back.

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-No-one knew where to go.

0:19:530:19:55

-I saw death ten feet away from me.

0:20:000:20:03

-Lads that close to me were dying.

0:20:040:20:07

-I knew that nothing

-could be done for them.

0:20:080:20:11

-But...

0:20:110:20:13

-..I'm not selfish, but you have

-to look after the living first.

0:20:130:20:18

-But we got more lads down the ship.

0:20:180:20:22

-We couldn't get to the lads who

-were burnt, the ones who had died.

0:20:220:20:28

-Off we went.

0:20:300:20:31

-You were...

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-..mm.

0:20:360:20:37

-We got to land

-on the lifeboats, in Fitzroy.

0:20:520:20:56

-Typical Welsh Guards, form up

-in three ranks, call the roll.

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-We stood there, then another

-jet came at us from nowhere.

0:21:010:21:05

-Everyone who had guns

-fired at the plane.

0:21:050:21:10

-So I did shoot in anger,

-as they say.

0:21:100:21:15

-That took some

-of the frustration away.

0:21:150:21:18

-The jet did crash.

-I don't know if the pilot survived.

0:21:180:21:22

-That was quite...

0:21:220:21:23

-..alright.

0:21:230:21:24

-Spot on.

0:21:250:21:26

-He was doing his work. He was there

-to kill us, and us to kill him.

0:21:320:21:37

-A job's a job.

0:21:370:21:39

-The hardest part

-was the children, really.

0:21:540:21:57

-We had one incident

-when a boy found a rocket.

0:21:570:22:03

-He was about five years old

-and didn't know what he was doing.

0:22:030:22:08

-It exploded,

-taking off the top of his head.

0:22:080:22:12

-But he was outside the camp wall.

0:22:120:22:15

-I jumped in a Land Rover

-with two lads from the Artillery.

0:22:160:22:20

-We went out to treat him.

-But we had to treat him out there.

0:22:210:22:25

-The ICOM chatter radio could pick

-up what the Taliban were saying.

0:22:260:22:31

-The Taliban were nearby.

0:22:310:22:34

-They saw what happened.

0:22:350:22:37

-They were rallying each other

-to attack us.

0:22:370:22:41

-That made me angry,

-more than anything.

0:22:410:22:44

-We tried to help

-the young Afghan boy.

0:22:440:22:47

-The Taliban took it

-as an opportunity to attack us.

0:22:480:22:52

-They couldn't see that

-the Infidel were trying to help.

0:22:520:22:58

-They wanted to get us.

0:22:590:23:01

-The boy was alive

-when we got him on the helicopter.

0:23:070:23:12

-He died in Camp Bastion.

-That upset me.

0:23:120:23:16

-My child was the same age,

-so it was very upsetting.

0:23:180:23:22

-I remember being moved

-to the Sir Tristram.

0:23:380:23:42

-Galahad's sister ship

-was exactly the same ship.

0:23:420:23:47

-The battalion got on it.

0:23:470:23:50

-That's the first time

-we held a memorial service.

0:23:510:23:55

-That's the day we found out

-who had been killed.

0:23:580:24:02

-The Regiment Sergeant Major

-Tony Davies read out the names.

0:24:020:24:07

-That was hard.

0:24:070:24:09

-We fought back the tears.

0:24:100:24:13

-We sang a couple of hymns.

0:24:150:24:17

-The Last Post

-was played on the bugle.

0:24:190:24:22

-When the Last Post played...

0:24:230:24:26

-..many of us big, hard men...

0:24:260:24:30

-..had tears in our eyes.

0:24:300:24:33

-Yes...

0:24:420:24:43

-.

0:24:430:24:44

-Subtitles

0:24:470:24:47

-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

0:24:470:24:49

-We came home from

-the Falklands to be told...

0:24:560:25:00

-.."You're back now. The war is over.

-You're back to real soldiering."

0:25:000:25:05

-By this, he meant public duties,

-guarding Buckingham Palace.

0:25:060:25:10

-It doesn't happen like that.

0:25:100:25:12

-We came home and went out own way.

-I was home for six weeks.

0:25:120:25:16

-Too much time.

0:25:160:25:18

-There were parties everywhere.

-I didn't want a fuss.

0:25:220:25:27

-I just left. I didn't want to

-be with my family or in the party.

0:25:270:25:32

-I wanted to be with the boys.

0:25:320:25:34

-I wasn't enjoying it any more.

0:25:350:25:37

-I'd thought of leaving

-for two years, but I couldn't.

0:25:370:25:41

-I didn't know what to do.

0:25:420:25:44

-I just decided to leave

-and see how it goes. I had to go.

0:25:440:25:48

-I left in the eighties.

0:25:560:25:58

-It was hard to come back

-to civilian life.

0:25:590:26:05

-I went out one day in Bangor.

0:26:070:26:10

-I drank 32 pints and half a bottle

-of Bacardi and I was still sober.

0:26:100:26:15

-There were a lot of Bangor lads

-on the Galahad.

0:26:160:26:21

-We were still together.

0:26:210:26:23

-We weren't talking about it.

0:26:250:26:27

-We held it back.

0:26:290:26:30

-When faced with

-a life-threatening situation...

0:26:320:26:36

-..a symptom of PTSD

-is hyper-vigilance.

0:26:360:26:40

-The sufferer experiences

-regular episodes...

0:26:420:26:46

-..of a flight-or-fright reaction.

0:26:470:26:51

-I think it was New Year's Eve...

0:26:520:26:55

-..when it became most noticeable.

0:26:550:27:00

-The Sergeant Major

-came to me in Afghanistan.

0:27:000:27:04

-He said, "You've been chosen to go

-home on Rest And Recuperation."

0:27:040:27:09

-I went from

-the Afghanistan frontline...

0:27:150:27:18

-..to my front room in Bethesda

-having a brew...

0:27:190:27:22

-..in less than 48 hours.

0:27:230:27:25

-We didn't imagine

-it would have such an affect.

0:27:250:27:31

-We had very little warning

-of his homecoming.

0:27:320:27:37

-We thought everything

-would go back to normal.

0:27:380:27:43

-We had a party on New Year's Eve

-for family and friends.

0:27:460:27:50

-The fireworks went off at midnight.

0:27:500:27:54

-I couldn't handle the noise.

0:27:540:27:57

-I had been with the Artillery

-at the time.

0:27:580:28:01

-GUNFIRE

0:28:060:28:08

-Before the end of the night

-I was under the table...

0:28:160:28:19

-..wearing a helmet and

-body armour, struggling to cope.

0:28:190:28:24

-We didn't want

-to make a big deal of it.

0:28:250:28:28

-We didn't want him to feel bad...

0:28:310:28:33

-..or for the children

-to think something was wrong...

0:28:330:28:39

-..or to scare them.

0:28:390:28:43

-We carried on.

0:28:430:28:45

-I don't view it as something

-I've been through on my own.

0:28:470:28:52

-We've gone through it as a family.

0:28:540:28:56

-We've gone through it as a family.

-

-I don't like the word "suffer".

0:28:560:28:59

-I don't think I'm suffering now.

0:28:590:29:02

-I hadn't realized

-that I might have PTSD.

0:29:030:29:06

-I have no military experience.

0:29:130:29:16

-There's a historical culture

-within the army...

0:29:160:29:20

-..where it's not the norm

-to talk about feelings.

0:29:200:29:25

-Perhaps it's not easy for people

-talk about their feelings...

0:29:250:29:31

-..and how they deal

-with their problems and experiences.

0:29:320:29:37

-It's easier to forget...

0:29:370:29:41

-..or try to forget the experiences.

0:29:410:29:43

-As a soldier,

-you know you're someone.

0:29:450:29:49

-I didn't feel I was a person.

0:29:490:29:51

-The human body

-is like a complex factory.

0:29:540:29:58

-Many processes

-take place to support life.

0:29:590:30:02

-If something

-goes wrong physically...

0:30:030:30:05

-..problems develop

-which can be bad for the body.

0:30:060:30:09

-If you ignore

-that something is wrong...

0:30:090:30:13

-..or that there are problems...

0:30:140:30:17

-..physically,

-emotionally or psychologically...

0:30:170:30:22

-..gradually the problems worsen...

0:30:220:30:26

-..without treatment.

0:30:270:30:28

-At around 4.30am, I remember

-sitting on Beach Road in Bangor.

0:30:310:30:36

-I was there at 4.30am every morning.

-I couldn't sleep.

0:30:370:30:42

-With each day that passed,

-I was drinking more...

0:30:420:30:46

-..and getting into trouble.

0:30:460:30:48

-That was the first time

-I felt it had affected me.

0:30:490:30:54

-I ignored it and carried on.

0:30:550:30:59

-There were times when I wanted

-to talk about what had happened.

0:30:590:31:04

-But no-one understood.

0:31:050:31:09

-I left the army in 1993.

0:31:140:31:16

-I wanted to join the police force.

-I was accepted within five weeks.

0:31:170:31:22

-I've been lucky.

0:31:220:31:24

-I haven't been out of work.

0:31:250:31:27

-I was happy to be back in uniform...

0:31:280:31:31

-..working as part of a team.

0:31:310:31:36

-I've worked hard.

0:31:370:31:39

-I've put in 100% every day...

0:31:390:31:43

-..all my life.

0:31:440:31:46

-I had a bad flashback a while ago.

0:31:510:31:54

-I went on a police course.

0:31:540:31:57

-It was a Colleague Support Course.

0:31:570:32:01

-I'd put forward my name

-to go and help my friends.

0:32:010:32:05

-I could see how stressful

-it was to be a policeman.

0:32:060:32:10

-There are many fatalities.

0:32:100:32:12

-Physical work

-puts pressure on the body.

0:32:140:32:18

-In the same way, if someone

-is in a stressful situation...

0:32:200:32:25

-..there is emotional pressure, too.

0:32:250:32:28

-If this happens

-over a long period of time...

0:32:280:32:31

-..with no time to reflect or discuss

-what's happening to them...

0:32:310:32:36

-..that pressure increases.

0:32:360:32:39

-Problems arise as a result

-of being under pressure.

0:32:400:32:46

-It was a Thursday. The course

-started on Monday, and it was great.

0:32:470:32:52

-We did a day of PTSD.

0:32:520:32:54

-There was a policeman

-on the course...

0:32:540:32:57

-..who had been shot

-in Colwyn Bay in the seventies.

0:32:570:33:01

-He described what happened,

-coming face to face with a shotgun.

0:33:020:33:07

-The bullet came towards him in

-slow motion. That made me think.

0:33:070:33:11

-On the Galahad,

-things happened in slow motion.

0:33:140:33:18

-My mind was switched on.

0:33:190:33:21

-I was sweating, then I felt cold.

-We broke for lunch.

0:33:230:33:27

-We returned in the afternoon

-and carried on with the training.

0:33:270:33:32

-They began to discuss PTSD.

0:33:330:33:36

-They showed police footage

-of the Bradford fire.

0:33:360:33:40

-I watched it and had a flashback.

-I was back on the ship.

0:33:430:33:48

-But this time...

0:33:530:33:56

-..I was shouting and

-telling people what to do...

0:33:570:34:00

-..even though I knew where I was.

0:34:010:34:03

-I sorted myself out, got up

-and walked out of the room.

0:34:050:34:10

-The force counsellor came out

-and I told him what happened.

0:34:110:34:16

-That was the first time for me...

0:34:160:34:20

-..to share my feelings.

0:34:200:34:23

-Then I had help.

-I had counselling sessions.

0:34:260:34:31

-I took an overdose of tablets.

0:34:340:34:37

-It finished my marriage.

0:34:390:34:43

-I was going off the rails.

0:34:440:34:48

-That was a cry for help.

0:34:510:34:53

-It started with a small trigger.

0:34:540:34:57

-And then there was Iraq.

0:34:580:35:00

-But Afghanistan

-was the major trigger...

0:35:010:35:04

-..seeing the boys coming home,

-their coffins draped in a flag.

0:35:040:35:09

-It took me back to Ireland.

0:35:130:35:16

-I wanted to be in that box.

0:35:200:35:24

-.

0:35:350:35:35

-Subtitles

0:35:390:35:39

-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

0:35:390:35:41

-INAUDIBLE WHISPERS

0:35:460:35:49

-Unless people suffering from PTSD

-or depression get treatment...

0:35:590:36:05

-..the problems can get worse...

0:36:050:36:09

-..to the point of suicide.

0:36:090:36:13

-I know people

-who have taken their own lives.

0:36:150:36:18

-Two or three from my regiment did.

0:36:190:36:21

-I've been away, I've seen things.

0:36:230:36:26

-But I have friends

-who have seen far worse than me.

0:36:260:36:30

-They're not here today

-to talk about it.

0:36:300:36:34

-I remember watching a TV programme.

0:36:360:36:39

-I'd heard about Dan Collins,

-Lance Sergeant Welsh Guards.

0:36:400:36:44

-I was a Welsh Guards Lance Sergeant.

0:36:440:36:46

-Even though he joined after me,

-we still belong to the same family.

0:36:470:36:51

-I've been out 20 years.

0:36:520:36:54

-The Welsh Guards

-are a big part of my life.

0:36:540:36:58

-I watched a programme...

0:36:590:37:01

-..and saw Dan talking openly

-on his mobile phone.

0:37:020:37:07

-It was a cry for help.

0:37:080:37:11

-He talked openly

-for the world to see...

0:37:140:37:18

-..before taking his own life.

0:37:190:37:22

-THIS IS DAN COLLINS'S

-LAST MESSAGE TO HIS MOTHER

0:37:230:37:28

-Hiya, Mum.

0:37:330:37:35

-Just a video to say I'm sorry.

0:37:350:37:38

-Ever since I've come back from there

-I've turned into a horrible person.

0:37:380:37:43

-I don't like who I am any more.

0:37:430:37:45

-This is why I'm doing

-what I'm doing, OK?

0:37:460:37:49

-I know it's selfish but

-it's what I want and what I need.

0:37:500:37:55

-I can't live like this any more.

0:37:550:37:58

-Um... one thing I'd like to ask...

0:37:590:38:02

-..could I have a full military

-funeral if that's possible.

0:38:040:38:08

-That's how I'd like to go.

0:38:080:38:10

-Mum, please don't get too upset.

0:38:110:38:13

-You've got to understand

-this is what I want.

0:38:130:38:17

-I've tried all the help.

-Nothing seems to be working, OK?

0:38:170:38:21

-I love you, OK?

0:38:210:38:23

-I'll see you

-up there in a few years...

0:38:230:38:26

-..hopefully not in a few years,

-but you know what I mean.

0:38:260:38:30

-I love you. Bye.

0:38:300:38:33

-It broke my heart,

-feeling for him and his family.

0:38:450:38:49

-He didn't get the help

-he cried out for.

0:38:500:38:53

-His mother talked so bravely

-and openly, fair play to her.

0:38:530:38:58

-These lads are so young,

-with their lives in front of them.

0:38:580:39:04

-They feel on their own,

-and they can't help themselves.

0:39:050:39:10

-That still hurts me.

0:39:110:39:14

-Dan Collins was 29 years old.

0:39:260:39:30

-I married a nurse.

0:39:320:39:34

-She didn't know.

0:39:370:39:38

-I couldn't talk to her.

0:39:380:39:41

-I thought Lydia was being nosey.

0:39:420:39:46

-I didn't believe

-she was trying to help me.

0:39:490:39:53

-She asked me...

0:39:540:39:56

-..to go and see the Charity.

0:39:560:40:00

-I went on a Monday.

0:40:000:40:03

-From the outset...

0:40:040:40:06

-..I knew they wanted to help.

0:40:080:40:13

-They had heart.

0:40:130:40:15

-I'd gone through life...

0:40:150:40:17

-..believing no-one understood.

0:40:180:40:22

-People ask, "What's right for you?"

0:40:230:40:27

-They ask how I feel...

0:40:280:40:31

-..and they try to get therapy

-to help you.

0:40:320:40:38

-At the end...

0:40:410:40:43

-..I came out of the office

-and spoke to Lydia.

0:40:460:40:50

-I realized...

0:40:530:40:55

-..I could smell better,

-hear better...

0:40:570:41:00

-..I could see colours, everything.

0:41:040:41:06

-I didn't know

-what sound the rain made.

0:41:070:41:10

-It's always been there.

0:41:100:41:13

-It's clearer now.

0:41:140:41:16

-I'm alive now.

0:41:210:41:23

-My heart goes out to them.

0:41:440:41:48

-I know what the darkness looks like.

0:41:480:41:52

-SOUND OF WAVES

0:42:050:42:08

-It'll be 32 years this year.

0:42:180:42:21

-I didn't think

-that it had affected me.

0:42:210:42:25

-But looking back, it did affect me.

0:42:250:42:28

-As I said, I didn't want

-to be in the house or in bed.

0:42:280:42:32

-I wanted to be where I felt

-most comfortable, on Beach Road...

0:42:320:42:36

-..sitting there on my own.

0:42:370:42:39

-It's odd,

-but I loved the smell of the sea.

0:42:400:42:44

-I'd never thought about it before.

0:42:440:42:47

-I like being by the sea now...

0:42:480:42:51

-..although it reminds me

-of what happened that day.

0:42:520:42:57

-I'm lucky to be alive.

-I can smell it, my friends can't.

0:42:570:43:01

-I still feel guilty that I'm here.

0:43:020:43:04

-The best way I deal

-with things is to work.

0:43:100:43:15

-I'm a pub landlord now.

0:43:160:43:17

-I'm a pub landlord now.

-

-Once I left the army...

0:43:170:43:19

-..I had a job with

-the Military College in Bangor.

0:43:200:43:24

-I'm happier out of the army.

0:43:240:43:26

-I'm home all the time,

-I see more of my friends.

0:43:270:43:30

-I can plan anything I want.

0:43:300:43:33

-I have to prepare lessons,

-mark work. That keeps me busy.

0:43:330:43:39

-Work stops me from dwelling...

0:43:390:43:43

-..on the things I've done.

0:43:440:43:47

-I hope to get a good job.

-I have a good job now.

0:43:470:43:51

-I hope to get a promotion

-and take it from there.

0:43:510:43:56

-I wouldn't tell anyone not to do it,

-but to be realistic.

0:43:570:44:02

-It's a hard life.

0:44:020:44:04

-It's a dangerous life.

0:44:040:44:06

-Go in with eyes wide open

-and not rose-tinted glasses.

0:44:060:44:11

-We have a better understanding...

0:44:160:44:19

-..of psychological problems

-that arise as a result of war.

0:44:190:44:24

-The treatment is better.

0:44:240:44:26

-After the recent fighting

-in Afghanistan and Iraq...

0:44:260:44:31

-..there's a chance

-that more people...

0:44:310:44:35

-..can find help earlier than before.

0:44:350:44:40

-PTSD is unpredictable

-and personal to the individual.

0:44:430:44:47

-They deal with it in their own way.

0:44:470:44:50

-It's not an illness

-that's easily diagnosed.

0:44:500:44:54

-I'm OK.

0:44:560:44:58

-I've found a way to deal

-with it without support.

0:44:590:45:03

-That's just luck,

-not something I'd planned.

0:45:040:45:08

-I didn't leave

-the army with a game plan.

0:45:080:45:11

-Touch wood,

-everything fell into place.

0:45:120:45:15

-The boys come back on leave from

-Afghanistan and I chat with them.

0:45:150:45:20

-I tell them they've been through

-a lot and seen terrible things...

0:45:210:45:26

-..and I'm there

-if they need to talk.

0:45:260:45:29

-I don't think it's affected me yet.

-I might have it. I don't know.

0:45:290:45:34

-I've just left the army. I'm fresh.

0:45:340:45:36

-I'm still in the honeymoon period.

0:45:370:45:41

-I feel that I can function now.

0:45:440:45:47

-I know what I'm doing.

0:45:480:45:50

-There will always

-be a shadow over my life.

0:45:500:45:54

-But I won't let

-the dark shadow affect me.

0:45:540:46:00

-For everything bad I remember,

-I try to remember something good.

0:46:000:46:04

-That makes me feel better...

0:46:060:46:09

-..when I think

-'Why me? Why am I still alive?'

0:46:100:46:13

-When I'm helping other people,

-the young lads back on leave...

0:46:130:46:18

-..that's the reason

-why I'm still here.

0:46:190:46:22

-I know everyone has ups and downs.

0:46:220:46:26

-I don't want to go back.

0:46:280:46:31

-There's plenty of help out there.

0:46:330:46:36

-You've got to talk to someone.

0:46:360:46:39

-# Miserere mei, Deus #

0:46:440:46:48

-In memory of those

-we'll always remember.

0:46:490:46:53

-And the ones who can't ever forget.

0:46:540:46:58

-# Secundum magnam

0:47:000:47:05

-# Misericordiam tuam

0:47:070:47:10

-# Misericordiam

0:47:110:47:17

-# Tuam

0:47:200:47:28

-# Secundum magnam

0:47:320:47:37

-# Misericordiam tuam #

0:47:370:47:40

-S4C Subtitles by Gwead

0:47:410:47:43

-.

0:47:430:47:43

Mae pedwar cyn-filwr yn trafod eu profiadau ar faes y gad gan ddatgelu'r effeithiau seicolegol ac emosiynol. Four veterans discuss their experiences and the psychological effects of war.