Chasing Dad: A Lifelong Addiction

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-What you doing?

-Just recording outside of your house.

-Oh, right. OK. Exciting.

-Yeah.

-How are you doing? Give me a hug.

There's people up there going, "Who's that out there with a camera?"

I said, "I don't know." And I looked and I said, "That's my boy."

-Who was saying that?

-The lady upstairs.

I've got a couple of friends. We go to the NA meetings together.

They live locally. They're all right.

They're in the same boat as me, feel the same shit.

-Are they still up there now?

-Yeah.

I was... I was trying to tell them to go, but then...I thought,

"Well, if Philip wants to see what it's like ..."

Fucking this is it, Phil. This is it, son.

This is my life.

-That's Jake, the guy who lives underneath me.

-OK.

-Yeah, I think it is his music loud.

-What are you doing?

-He's doing a doccy on me.

-Oh, is it? Oh, OK.

What's it like living with a raggy drug-addict dad?

No, it's nothing like that.

Well, I'd be interested to see that documentary, yeah.

My dad has been addicted to heroin for as long as I can remember.

I left home 15 years ago,

because his life was chaos and I wanted no part of it.

We had started to talk on the phone

and he had promised that he was off the gear now and only drinking.

-OK. So, we ready?

-Yeah.

OK, so, why are you nervous?

Er, apprehensive. Let's not say nervous. Apprehensive.

Because I don't recall the last time we actually sat down

-and had an in-depth conversation.

-I don't think we ever have.

Well, there you are.

That's the whole idea of doing this, is for me to understand

-more about you, because I don't know who you are.

-No.

That's shameful, isn't it?

We've never had this conversation before.

No, no, we haven't.

How I haven't caved in completely is an absolute amazement to me,

it really is.

I mean, it's hard enough getting off the goddamn shit,

but staying off it is quite another thing.

Quite another thing.

I wouldn't go so far as I'm dependent on drink.

I mean, I don't go out and do silly things if I haven't got it,

but I notice it does make me feel ever so miserable

if I haven't got it.

But that's where the addiction starts.

Because then you become dependent on it.

It's not good, Dad.

It isn't good, son, I know it isn't good, but that's what I'm saying.

It's always that I need some sort of chemical to keep my head in place.

-These are demons that you need to exorcise out.

-Yeah.

Because it's only going to end one way.

Yeah. Six foot under.

Mm...

-Are you lonely, Dad?

-Yeah.

Yeah, very. Hate being alone, Phil. Hate it.

It's like now she's just sprung into my head and I'm thinking,

"Why isn't she coming round?"

-Probably down to last night and I told her to fuck off.

-Who's she?

Maria.

My friends think I'm in love with her. But I'm not.

I know what love is, and it's not her.

I like her a lot, I do like her.

I'm not saying I don't.

Funny little fucker.

There we go, yeah.

Sent from the hospital.

He told me he didn't drink much, but his health was getting worse,

and he had recently collapsed in Romford market.

I saw a hospital letter saying he had hepatitis C

and cirrhosis of the liver,

and they were insisting he should come in for a biopsy.

-20th of April, at 10:15.

-Yeah.

-Do you want to get that free and come with me?

-Yeah.

Book that day free.

-What are you doing?

-Huh?

-What are you doing?

-What do you mean?

-Why are you cutting up that letter?

-I'm not cutting it up.

-The envelope, sorry.

I'm tidying it up.

The doctor is not going to be there until Tuesday.

-Might be open Saturday.

-I don't believe it is.

-For a number of years.

-No?

No. Erm... Yeah, be Tuesday.

I mean, they're emergencies only.

Yeah, be Tuesday.

And it's going to be absolutely packed on Tuesday.

The, erm...

..draw for the Champions League. You heard it?

-The draw for the Champions League?

-Yeah. Semis.

-Dad, I've got to ask you a question.

-Yeah, go on.

You're not going to like me for it

-and I don't really like asking it, either.

-Yeah, go on.

-In the bedroom, there's some foil.

-Yeah.

-What is that?

-Foil.

It's not for what you're thinking, either.

I'll show you what it's for.

I needed it because see this wire in here?

-It's to wire the Sky up.

-Yeah?

To the box? Along here.

I'm just going to try to foil them up.

Screw the foil under it and turn on and see

if I can get it working in here.

Why wouldn't I like you asking that question?

Well, because there's foil under your bed.

It looks suspicious, you know?

I just chucked it.

Waste not, don't worry about that...

-You don't need to be angry with me.

-I'm not angry with you!

I'm not angry at all.

Ask away, babe, and I'll tell you. Erm...

If I didn't ask you, it would have been eating me up all day.

There you go. So it won't be eating you up now.

Well, hopefully it won't.

Hopefully it's answered your question.

Hello.

-Hello.

-Hiya.

That was a long five minutes.

No, I got talking to my aid worker.

See, I was over at the pub. Then I ran in to the shop.

I heard, "Philip, Philip,"

and I turned round and of course it's my aid sponsor.

I thought, "Oh, no."

Can see you've got a bottle.

-I know, I'm terrible, aren't I?

-Let me see it.

It's just dog shit, that stuff.

What can you do with 1.50? This is more.

You can't afford this lifestyle, Dad.

-You just ponced that money off me.

-Yeah, to get fags.

-Are you going to be OK today?

-Yeah, I'll be all right. Bit worried.

-About Maria?

-Yeah.

Dad told me his girlfriend had just been in a fight.

She was punched and kicked in the street and he went off to find her.

MUSIC: Wolf Like Me by TV On The Radio

I ignored his calls that week, but he kept phoning me.

When I finally answered, he told me he was close to using heroin again,

so I went back the next day.

'The mobile you're calling isn't available at the moment.

'Please try again later.'

# Say, say my playmate

# Won't you lay hands on me

# Mirror my malady

# Transfer my tragedy. #

Take your time dying, don't you, you fuckers?

You actually came all the way and you went without even...?

-Yeah, I couldn't. I couldn't get hold of you.

-Oh, for fuck sake.

-Oh, Phil.

-Where were you? I was round at Maria's.

What's been going on with you, then, since I last saw you?

Er, since you last saw me.

-Well...

-Because you had to go to the police station.

Yeah, I got ... I got charged for electricity theft.

Yeah, it's just another fine I can ill do without. I had a good run.

I had nine months at it.

Abstract - use without authority, electricity.

Dishonestly used without due authority

a quantity of electricity to the value of £724.

-I get the sense that you enjoy it.

-Enjoy it?

-Enjoy making up your own rules.

-Oh, of course I did.

-You do, I mean.

-Yeah, I still do, yes.

-I don't see you changing much.

-In respect of what?

-You're still up to your old tricks.

You're drinking bloody White Ace for a couple of quid a day.

Yeah.

I'm not so much up to my old tricks...

I was here on a Monday morning at, like, 10 o'clock

and you've got people coming out, obviously having lots to drink.

10.00 on a Monday morning.

That's cos it was an all-night thing, Philip.

We'd had a drink. We played cards. We do all kinds of shit.

-But it's like a...

-And I come here last time, Dad. And I saw tinfoil.

And I saw a pipe. It was yellow.

It was a broken Bic pen which has yellowed

since you'd obviously been using.

-No, that's not strictly true, Philip.

-So whose was it, then?

One of the people I was with.

That's never been my game, smoking that.

That's... Cocaine is not my game.

You know, heroin was my trip.

And I don't fucking use any more. Are you...?

You're saying you found a bit of foil,

but I can deal with people smoking. It doesn't fucking bother me.

I'd love to be able to have this discussion with you and give you

simple answers to your questions, but it's not that simple.

It really isn't.

You see it all?

-Look.

-That looks awful.

It does, doesn't it? And swelling.

That's on both feet, Philip.

My whole life has been controlled by a chemical in one description

or another. The only times I didn't use chemicals

was the early years of my life. You know?

I started using, strangely enough, when you were born.

That's how long I've been on it.

You know?

It's one thing that sticks in my head.

And it was just literally, you'd been born an hour

and your mum said to me, she said,

"I've given you what you wanted - a son."

She said, "Please give me what I want." And I said,

knowing full well what the answer was going to be, and she said,

"Please, please stop."

And of course the usual shit come out of my mouth.

"Yeah, of course I will. Of course I will, babe. Of course I will."

Here we are. 20, 30 years down the line. You're a grown man,

and I'm still the fucking same.

It's like I stagnated at that age.

That's a fucking long time. A long, long time.

I guess I was attracted to your dad

because he was different to anyone else I'd met.

Definitely not the boy next door that my mum or probably most mums

would want for their daughter's first serious boyfriend.

He was the first person ever to tell me I was beautiful,

he wanted to be with me for ever,

and most people said that we were way too young to be so serious.

Erm... I was 17. It was quite exciting.

We had our own place to live.

We were the only people that we knew who actually lived away

from our mums and dads and I suppose it was a bit like playing house.

That's right, babe. That is what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Of course.

That's what I'm thinking.

This time, definitely. I keep saying it and it never happens.

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Not win so much, but always come, like, second, third, fourth.

When did you meet my dad, Maria?

A little less than a year ago. Erm...

In the sunny job centre. Erm... We got on quite well.

We didn't really obviously know each other.

I don't normally socialise with a lot of people

because of the things that go on in this area.

I try to keep myself to myself.

I'm quite a self-conscious, small-group sort of person,

but we seem to click pretty well and it's been really good since then.

-It's good. It's not something I'm used to.

-And what happened?

What happened to your eye?

Erm, You don't have to do a lot wrong to get yourself in trouble.

People like to backstab and cause problems,

especially where drugs or alcohol are involved.

I was blamed for something that I didn't do and they thought

it was me that had given some sort of information up and I hadn't.

And I was at the brunt of it, unfortunately.

And why do you drink?

Boredom. Erm...

It's a copout of an excuse, but boredom.

I mean, I feel that I'm more intelligent

and I could do a lot more with myself, to be honest.

It sounds a bit silly, me saying in front of you. But, erm...

I feel I could be doing a lot more with myself

and I just don't know where to go to start doing that, to be honest.

I just seem that I've got a lot to fill up

and nothing to fill it up with.

She has a very, very dry sense of humour. I'll give you that.

She makes me laugh. She's a good influence on me.

That is ... That's not even in question. You're a great influence.

-You know I love you, really.

-I know you do.

And I love you, but you know that. Think the world of you.

He was so keen to make a good impression,

he tried to control everything I saw.

He told his friends not to come over when I was there,

but they turned up anyway.

He kept insisting he was clean, but then I'd get disturbing

phone calls from him at night when he was clearly out of it.

MUSIC: My Sweet Prince by Placebo

# I never thought you'd make me perspire... #

OK, nurse. You're not going to like this.

You're going to have trouble getting me.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

# Never thought I'd fill with desire... #

That's my years of heroin abuse.

# Never thought I'd feel so ashamed... #

-Can I try that one?

-Yeah.

# Me and the dragon

# Can chase all the pain away

# So before I end my days... #

It's not giving me what I want.

# Remember

# My sweet prince

# You are the one... #

-It's not flowing out at all.

-No?

Clotting, isn't it?

# My sweet prince

# You are the one

# Never thought I'd have to retire

# Never thought I'd have to abstain... #

I don't remember from a young age picking up on anything.

It weren't probably until a few years went on that I could pick up.

It was more when Uncle John and Uncle Robin were round

or Dad was going to be with them

that I would pick up on the tension with Mum.

Dad was in and out of jobs, crashing his work van

and then getting the sack. They'd come round to give him the sack.

But there was always tension. I just grew up feeling unhappy.

I think because things got progressively worse with Dad

and there was no support, there was nowhere to turn,

there was nowhere to hide, we were in the throes of it.

I had no-one to take us away from what was going on.

We were going without things, we weren't going anywhere,

we were left to it. I never knew what Dad was doing.

I knew... It wasn't until I got older and I understood what drugs

he was taking, but as I was getting older,

it was becoming more and more apparent as Dad was getting worse with his addiction.

It was getting harder.

There was no real instances that I could think of

because there is so many. It was such a build-up of unhappiness.

Because Mum was unhappy, Dad was ill,

there was no family support, there was no-one we could go to

when things were getting bad. So you just stayed out all the time.

When you come home, you could hear the arguing,

you could hear the violence,

you could see the random cars pulling outside,

you could go home and smell the drugs when he wasn't injecting,

or you'd get home and find the paraphernalia everywhere.

You'd find your stuff stolen and sold.

You'd come home and he'd either be running at 100mph cleaning,

or the music blaring,

or he'd be out of his face passed out in the living room.

You never knew what you're coming home to.

Philip Wood?

Yeah, that's me.

What did the doctor say to you?

Oh, I mean, there's complete, utter worry now,

because my liver is packing up.

-What did he say if you don't stop drinking?

-I'll be dead.

I'll kill myself.

And, you know, you could see the sincerity in his eyes.

He wasn't messing about.

On the way home from the hospital, he met a friend at a bus stop

and Dad asked him for a drink.

I'd had enough and walked away.

He kept calling and texting me, saying he was sorry.

I felt guilty that I'd given up on him

and went back a couple of weeks later.

He had missed a court summons for the electricity fare

and two strangers had taken over his bedroom.

You'll be all right, Phil. You're being a bit quiet.

-You all right?

-Yeah. I'm all right.

WHISPERING

No, it's all right. He won't come in without telling.

-Do you want that here?

-Yeah, yeah.

-What you doing?

-I'm just...

-Ah, fucking hell.

-What?

-Who are they? What are they doing in there?

Well, cos they don't want to be in front with you.

Because it's private. They're supposed to be going today.

That's all. No drama.

He's fucking about trying to get his phone working.

Why is it all secretive and hush-hush?

It ain't all fucking hush-hush. You're imagining it to be.

-It's cos they want to leave us alone. As I do.

-OK. All right.

That's all. Don't make a drama out of things that aren't there, Philip.

You know?

I've been in a foul, foul mood for about three or four days.

And I'm telling people whatever they want to hear.

I'm even telling people I'm fucking not even going into hospital.

You know, asking me how the blood tests went and all that.

"Yeah, yeah, it's all good. Nothing wrong with me."

Why? It's an habitual thing, it really is.

It's because, you know, I've got many years

of fucking having to do it to get what I want.

You know, it is.

-Are you talking about lying?

-Yeah, yeah.

I never know if you're telling the truth or not.

Ah, well, you know...

About anything, to be perfectly honest with you.

Oh, well, don't be so silly because...you're the last person...

I don't tell you a lot of things, Philip,

because I don't want to fucking worry you. All right?

I don't want to worry you. Is that so bad?

It's not about the not telling me, it's about the things you do tell me

-and then you change the story and...

-Yeah, all right, granted.

It's very confusing.

Well, all you have to do if that's the case, just ask me,

at the end of whatever I've told you, just say,

"Is that the truth, Dad?" And I'll say yea or nay.

So what happened, did you go to court or not?

Yeah, but it was too late. I went, but it was too late.

I'd already been called.

I got there about 11:45 and my case was at 10 o'clock.

And that was that. And that's the truth.

And, of course, that put me off...

So what is the first thing I fucking do? I go and buy a can of drink.

Well, I didn't actually buy it. I'm lying to you there. I nicked it.

See?

-You've got to just stop lying.

-Yeah.

You've got to stop lying, even little white lies

that you think no-one will notice - they do.

And it just adds to the perception that you're just bullshitting

all the time, and I don't think you are.

-Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't.

-Yeah.

Everything you've got on tape is the truth.

There's no point in doing it otherwise.

I mean, right this minute, it's difficult to really talk to you with that camera.

-Fuck it, I'm trying to forget the camera's there.

-Why is it difficult?

Well, no, it's not difficult as in difficult, it's just ...

..because of the way I feel.

I don't feel good at all.

So, what, you want to tell me something

-but you don't want to say it on camera?

-No, no.

No, nothing like that.

Or you just feel down and angry

and you're not really in the mood for filming? Is that what you mean?

No, I'll do it because it helps you.

I just feel...

an emotional wreck.

He was always my little brother. Still is.

We grew up together.

Your dad was the only one that my dad went to see play football.

And I was really pissed off about that. Because he was really good.

People used to speak about how good he was and I thought, "Ugh..."

I knew he was quite a rebel, really.

Then things started to go a bit wrong, really.

-The drugs came into it and...

-So tell me what happened.

You moved to Marksgate. Then it all went fucking west.

And I only remember seeing you and Emma

cos I always kind of went round there during the day

to get drugs and to take drugs.

It was somewhere safe to go to use.

Robin came over and then he started using it.

He was my older brother and we done everything together.

And he never got it. It was too late. He didn't get it.

And I got the call that he was dead and I was shocked,

completely shocked. I thought, fucking hell, man.

That's what he's doing now. That's what Dad's doing.

He's drinking himself to oblivion.

Yeah, but he says that, but he's using as well, isn't he?

He's living in his own world and you're not in it.

If you go into this emotional confrontation with him,

you're going to lose.

-Need to tidy up a bit, eh?

-That's up to you. Yeah.

-So you're not staying in your room any more?

-Yeah, yeah.

I only got back yesterday and I just...

I had other things on my mind

and I was just sitting there watching the box and I fell asleep.

Sure, all right.

I just don't believe a word you're saying.

-It's all rubbish.

-Shut up!

Why am I going to lie about something like that?

Because you're renting out that room. It's obvious.

I'm not fucking renting it out.

Jesus Christ. I'm not.

I'll grab a fag off him. Fuck it.

So what you saying?

-About what?

-What happened here last night? Why were you up so late?

Just up, I couldn't sleep and what have you and I was up talking

most of the night with Maria

and I just didn't feel the slightest bit tired.

Why were the police here last night?

Cos I didn't turn up at fucking court, did I?

Come to arrest me with no bail.

-Brilliant.

-So what happened?

Nothing. I wasn't here.

Cos I was out last night.

During the day I was in hospital still. I was still in hospital.

Could you talk to anyone inside the hospital?

Yeah, I spoke... Well, about me or about...?

-About you.

-Yeah, yeah.

There was this gentleman there from a place called First Stop.

Hence First Stop is the very first stop you make,

and he's left me a leaflet there.

Where has he left that leaflet? Yeah, here it is.

Discuss the issues around alcohol that may be affecting you

or troubling you, provide an assessment of your needs

and the impact your alcohol use may have on your life.

-Do you think you're going to go?

-Oh, yeah. There's no if.

-I'm going, Philip.

-Why do you want to go?

-Cos I've had enough.

I've had enough. I feel like I'm...

I need help. I need help.

-The thing is for me, I know you're doing other stuff, Dad.

-Yeah.

-And it doesn't matter what you're taking, you know?

-No, no.

But you need to be honest and open with me because, as you said

yourself, that's the fundamental block of a relationship, isn't it?

-Oh, of course it is.

-Trust.

Yeah, of course it is, yeah.

But it's... You know, there's always that element of doubt

if I tell you absolutely everything, Phil.

That'll put us back to fucking square one, which I'm just not prepared to do.

What do you mean?

You know, never speaking to you - never seeing you

and never speaking to you. That kind of thing.

-What can I do to help you?

-What can you do to help me?

Just be there. Just be there.

In my darkest hours. That's all.

I mean...

Do you know how hard that is?

No. I can imagine.

I can imagine.

Only because if I was the reverse, I know how hard it'd be for me.

Break my heart. If I was... If you were me and I were you.

It'd break my heart to see you like that.

One sec.

You left this in the kitchen. I put it away for you.

WHISPERING

So you're here all day, are you?

Ha-ha! You look well happy. I would.

So you know when you go off like that?

You know, with your microphone, so I can hear your whispers

and I know what you're saying

so I just don't get why you do that whispering thing.

-It's better than going...

-Better than going what?

Excuse me if I do that every now and again.

-I'm getting a bit of the horrors.

-It's better than going what?

Well, letting you know everything, Phil.

-So he's just gone out to score and he's to give you some.

-No.

No! Don't smile like that and don't be so facetious

and thinking I'm fibbing to you, because I'm not.

I'll fucking turn my pockets out if you don't believe me.

Right?

These are the tablets if you don't believe me. Look.

And there's a packet of them in there if you want to look.

MUSIC: Electricity by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark

INAUDIBLE

This is my boy.

Every time I turned up, I met a new friend

and another excuse why he couldn't get help.

His debts were piling up, the fridge was empty

and the council had been writing to him for months,

threatening to repossess the flat.

-Do you live here?

-Are you going to 55?

-Do you live at number 55?

-My father does.

Your father does? Is your dad in at the moment?

I hope so. I've brought him a bag of shopping.

OK. Do you want to lead on?

-Why are you here?

-Pardon?

-Why are you here?

We need to explain it to your dad.

-Dad, there's police downstairs for you.

-For me?

-Yeah.

What's your name?

-Philip Wood. Come in.

-All right, no worries.

Probably the wrong address, then, Philip.

-You don't know a Richard, do you?

-Richard?

-Yeah.

Are you friends with him or not?

-Well...I want to be.

-What, you used to be friends with him or...?

Yeah. Used to stay here.

Listen, you know that obviously police are after him, don't you?

-Yeah, of course I do.

-So if he's here, do you have a mobile phone at all?

-Yeah, I do, yeah.

-Dial 101 quietly.

See you later. Bye-bye.

I'm frightened of losing this place cos if I fucking lost this,

what would I do? And really, for what?

What are they called?

Antisocial behaviour. Fuck sake.

What antisocial behaviour have I exhibited?

What, because people are coming in and out?

Well, I can't stop people knocking at the fucking door.

What should I do, put a big sign up -

"Don't knock here cos my neighbour don't like it"?

Still trying to figure out what kind of life I've actually had.

It hasn't been a life, has it? It's been an existence.

I mean, to this day,

I don't know how your mum managed to stay with me

for twenty-fucking-three years.

She says you used to threaten her.

Yeah, I used to do all kinds of shit.

-I don't ever recall actually hitting her, though.

-I recall it a lot.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-I don't.

No, I don't.

I never used to hit her.

I mean, I might have pushed or slapped her.

That's still hitting, I suppose.

-Yeah, you used to hit her.

-What, badly?

-Yeah.

You used to hit Emma, as well.

You used to beat Emma.

Used to beat your wife. Used to beat me. It was violent.

Was I?

No, I never perceived myself to have been that way.

That's quite... That's quite shocking and surprising,

because I never thought I was that type of person.

What happened to you?

I just got deeper and deeper. I just went deeper and deeper.

That was my comfort, that was my safety blanket,

that was my best friend.

I can have this and this is my best friend -

-this will take all my worries away.

-KNOCKING

Take my depression away.

-Hello!

-All right, sir, how are you?

Can you turn it off for ten minutes, so we can have a chat?

-No, I really need to finish this. So...

-Two hours travelling.

-Yeah, no, he's travelled for two hours, Phil.

-I don't care.

I've come a long, long way.

-So you're going to have to go somewhere else.

-Go in the bedroom.

-Sit in me bedroom.

-No, no, no, Dad, they've got to get out.

-Oh, Phil, it's all right.

-No, I don't want them here.

-That's the guy that stole off you when you was in rehab.

-Pardon?

-You're Ted.

-Two hours' travelling.

I didn't steal off him.

You're going to... I don't want you here.

-You're going to have to leave.

-Right, give us a couple of minutes.

Please. Just tell your son that...

I think he's only had one side of the story.

Yeah, well, he's my boy.

-I'm just getting to know him.

-I know, it's understandable.

We'll go and sit down in your garden, that's all.

Just go for a walk. I'll be about 20 minutes.

-I'll let you in the garden.

-That's fine.

I'll let them in the garden, Phil. All right?

I'll open the gate for you. Won't be a minute.

Yeah, I know, but he's rude with you, he's rude with me.

It's my son.

Yeah, but I'll tell him when I go up.

I need credit to phone this guy.

-I've got credit.

-Him and his gear is bomb shack, I swear to you.

Oh...I'm miced up.

-It's really nice to see you, Phil, really, really nice.

-Yeah.

I'm coming back now, Phil. Can you hear me?

I know he's stole off of me, but, come on, he's the same as me.

I'm no angel.

He's come to do a bit of gardening anyway.

-Philip.

-Yeah?

-I was speaking to you, couldn't you hear me?

-I was downstairs.

-Oh, right.

-Well, I'll let you go, Dad.

-Look, Phil, listen to me.

I said, "If my son tells you to go, he means it." I said...

He said, "Can't you tell him?" I said, "I can't tell him shit."

He'll tell me. I said, "Ted, he's more important to me than anyone.

"This is my only chance of getting to know him and..."

I can't stop people knocking.

Yeah, you can't say no to them, either, Dad.

What did I say? I'm easily led.

But what I've done is handy, I've got him cutting the fucking grass.

You have a look.

He's out there chopping the grass.

And pulling the weeds out.

I can't help you. I can't save you, Dad.

No, I don't want you to save me. I just want you to be there.

And you are now. That's it.

It's all I want. I pick up the phone and I want to speak to my son.

You're my son at the end of the day.

I'm sorry I wasn't a great father.

You see how emotional I get? I hate it!

The slightest thing's getting me really upset and I fucking hate it.

Oh!

It's probably because I'm really hurt about what you said.

But it's the truth - the truth hurts.

I just didn't believe I was that shit.

I thought... I knew I was a shit father because I was a heroin user.

Never for one minute did I think I fucking hit you.

That makes me feel really bad.

I feel fucking shitty, actually.

That was my one and only saving grace.

I thought, "At least I never used to fucking hit my kids and my wife."

Then apparently I did.

And I don't remember it.

Fucking hell.

I hate life!

I fucking hate it.

I tell you, if it wasn't... I swear, I don't say this loosely

and I don't say it flippantly, either -

if it wasn't for you two, there would have been many a time

when I really couldn't cope.

I've had enough, pills, drugs, to take it, to end it.

I'm not frightened of dying, but I don't want to leave you lot.

You were always very quiet about it. We never...

I never told you about him being addicted to drugs.

It's something that I think, well, for me,

I just grew up knowing and watching it progressively get worse.

You were always quite withdrawn about it.

You never wanted to cause... You just would rather stay out the way.

The only time you'd get involved, or shout, was when

Mum was getting hit and you'd shout down the stairs.

But you would try not to provoke Dad.

I remember the day she left, she had a bag with her -

only like a small holdall thing - and she insisted on walking

to the bus stop with me and she gave me a big cuddle,

which was even stranger because we certainly weren't affectionate with each other.

And all I had was, from Mum, "I've left your dad. There's a letter in the post."

That was my mum telling me that she's walked out

and left my dad, which was fine.

But then I had my dad on the phone and I then had to deal with my dad

and I remember, all of a sudden, feeling quite frantic

cos for the first time in my life,

my mum's gone, I don't know where she is or who she's with.

She weren't picking up the phone, she weren't phoning me.

I mean, not that I would have been angry at her,

but there was me and you left to it.

And...

I come home that Saturday cos Dad received her letter...

..and he was broken, he really was.

He wasn't even smashed when he was reading the letter.

You could see that reality had hit Dad with a great big thud

and the very thing he never thought would have happened happened.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Come out the way, come out the way.

Yeah.

I'll take the boiler, then.

When was the last time you were here?

About three months ago.

Three-month order, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Are you going to be sad to see this place go?

Actually, no. Not really, Philip, no.

To be perfectly honest with you.

Always brought us problems, didn't it?

-Well, people brought the problems.

-Yeah, well...

You brought the people.

So, what happened in here, Dad?

What do you mean?

Why did you get kicked out?

People next door.

As I said, I was staying with Maria and I went out

and I left this place to someone

and they fucking turned it into a drug den, more or less, Philip.

Loud music, parties.

So, it's a blessing in disguise?

It could be, I'm hoping it could be.

Especially if this other business goes all right

and that rehab ring me, which they haven't as yet,

but I'm going to phone them today.

Is that door open downstairs, do you know?

Do you like it?

I'm not getting paid enough for this, Phil.

-So, you're selling all this stuff?

-Yeah.

How much is it going to go for?

-Take one and a half.

-£150?

-Yeah.

-Doesn't seem like a lot.

-It ain't, Phil.

It ain't a lot at all, mate.

But the alternative is to leave it here

and lose it.

So, are these your friends, Maria?

No, they're not.

So, they're your friends, Dad?

They're people I know, they're not friends.

I don't know that white guy.

They don't seem too happy with me being here.

No, well, that's their problem, isn't it?

CRASHING

All right, that's our You've Been Framed moment -

you can send that off, as well.

I just want to get out of here. I fucking hate it.

Oh, fuck me, I better not show that.

What was that?

Something I wrote to her.

-Who, Maria?

-Yeah.

Can't show stuff like that.

I can, but it's embarrassing.

Is it a love letter?

No.

Have a read.

Today, we're going to do as from today,

so you don't get charged an extra four weeks.

-Right, OK.

-OK?

You're technically homeless now.

Yeah, not technically, I am.

You're perfectly within your right to go to the homelessness centre

and say you have nowhere to go.

Yeah, where is that, do you know?

-PASC Centre. Liberty.

-Oh, yeah, in Romford, yeah?

Oh, I'll go in there.

Babe, listen, I've left. I'm coming home, right?

I'm coming back.

I just walked out, I just said, "I'll see you soon."

How'd you think?

Get it ready.

Yeah.

Yeah, not to film.

Oh.

Yeah, well, get it ready and I'll be round in five minutes, all right?

All right, see you in a minute.

Oh, for God's sake, you're slow.

Well, get going.

Yeah, well, that's it. All right, see you in a minute.

It's changed over the years.

I was angry at Dad, I hated him.

He made my life hell - there's no two ways about it.

Absolutely hated him.

As I've got older and realised that you're ill -

it's an illness - and no-one chooses to grow up

and become an addict or an alcoholic,

and I don't believe that, you know,

Dad wanted to end up the way he has.

But I think he's ill. I think he's so ill

and he's a lost cause, that as I've got older, I just pity him.

Oh, come on, Philip, you're useless.

I pity him for what he could have had and what he had and lost.

I pity him for having a life that no-one would want.

To wake up every day and just block it all out

and just live day by day the way he lives -

it's an existence, it's not a life.

And I just pity that because I just think,

"You're going to go to your grave and look back

"and what have you done?"

So I feel sorry for him because I just think it's a waste.

Dad went back to live with Maria

and he spoke more about getting help,

but I didn't take it seriously.

I showed some footage of Dad to my uncle.

He was shocked, and, a few weeks later,

he raised enough money to get him into rehab.

A bed suddenly became available and I arranged to get him there.

I don't want to let you go.

I'm going to miss you so fucking much.

-Aw, jeez.

-Good luck.

Thank you.

I'll do it, I'll do it.

-I know.

-Promise you, I'll do it.

All right?

I'll see you as soon as I can.

-Ring me tonight.

-I promise you.

I'll ring you on my number, all right?

All right, babe.

-Safe journey and I'll speak to you soon.

-Yeah.

-All right, babe.

-Just make the most of it.

-I shall.

-Love you.

-And you.

Ta-ra, babe.

Shit.

Argh.

Just put this behind me over there.

So, what was going on in that house?

-You mean your dad's flat?

-Yeah.

Erm, pretty much everything you could connect to drug use.

There was people living there that were homeless,

people living there that was on the run,

people there that had arrest warrants out for them.

Erm, there were stolen goods in the property,

there was drug dealing going on from the property,

drug use, erm, complete chaos 24 hours a day.

He... He knew you knew a certain amount, but he was in denial

about the facts, that you knew the truth.

I mean, he was trying to make you think that he was just having

a drink now and again and that he might use some drugs,

but not heroin.

You know, there was, pretty much...

Other than prostitution, I think there was everything else

you can imagine going on there.

I'm in the process of being on a methadone prescription,

which is the first step forward from being drug-free.

And I'm just hoping that from now on, in the next few months,

I can get slowly better, and by the time he gets out,

I'll have a bit of good news for him, hopefully.

You know, meaning that I'm doing well,

rather than still doing the same thing.

You've still got a long time...

to fix things, you know?

-Sort things out.

-Mm. It's going to take a long time!

-But you know what I mean.

-I do.

But when you look at the road ahead,

it seems too much to even bother with.

It's just, it's easier to just carry on the way you are and just forget.

I don't want to take the easy way out and carry on taking drugs.

I'm sick of not looking after myself,

I'm sick of people looking at me the way they do in the street.

And I know what they think, I know what they're saying,

I can hear them when they walk past me.

Now, I want people to look at me and say, "Jesus, look at her," you know,

"Do you remember her," like, "Do you remember her a couple of years ago?"

The state, what she looked like, and, you know,

that she used to be a manager in a bookies'.

She used to drive a lovely car. Now look at the state of her now.

And I want to come back from that and they'll say, "Look at her,

"she's done well, she must have come away from it."

Because you can tell just by looking at people. I think I can, anyway.

You know, and I want to be a success,

I don't want to be someone that's looked upon as a druggie, you know?

-Oh!

-Look at you!

Yeah, look at me, eh? Drug-free!

-How you doing?

-Yeah, I'm really well, son, really well. Yourself?

-I'm good, I'm glad to see you.

-Yeah, likewise, likewise.

Do you want to come in?

Coming in, yeah?

How are you feeling, Dad?

-What, right now? Or generally?

-Right now.

Comfortable. Happy. Fine.

I never thought I'd see the day I'd do it. But, hey, I'm doing it.

Because I'd had enough. Nothing new. You see nothing new that awaits me.

Nothing.

No, it's the same old, same old,

needing the same old crap every single day.

That ain't getting me nowhere. It cost me so much. I lost everything.

I lost everything over it.

What do you think your lifestyle and my upbringing, -

what effect do you think it had on me?

It destroyed you, I would imagine. Shame... Ashamed...

You must've been ashamed of me, I would've thought.

Even embarrassed to talk about me.

As opposed to being proud.

-But psychological...

-I can't imagine.

It must have done your head in. It MUST have done your head in.

What I'd like to do is actually for you to ask me a question.

-About what? Anything in particular?

-Yeah, you must have questions.

I've got thousands.

Let me think of one to give you. Erm...

Yeah, what was it like for you?

Yeah, go on, then, I'll start with that one.

So, what was it like for you growing up with me?

Seeing me every day... Well, you didn't see me do it every day,

but you knew I was doing it every day.

-So, what was that like?

-It was horrible.

Yeah, I know it was horrible, but how horrible?

Like, worried horrible or get on with it horrible?

No, I just wanted to run away.

-Run away? What, at an early age?

-Yeah.

I just never wanted to be there.

-No.

-I just hated, I hated...

-What, me?

-No, just existing.

-Just existing?

-I just hated life.

-That's, that's...

-That was brought on by me.

-Yes.

You know what I used to say to my friends?

Oh, my dad's just had a drink.

Because I used to think you being an alcoholic was less embarrassing...

-Less embarrassing than being a junkie.

-Than being a heroin addict.

They're both the same, yeah. Erm, Jesus...

-Because I used to just... I was never at home.

-No, you wasn't, no.

-I would sleep out in the park.

-In the park? Oh, my God.

I used to tell Mum I was sleeping at a friend's,

but I would sleep out in the park with my mates or by myself

or I would just walk around all night.

You hated living there that much?

And I was drinking at an early age.

-Drinking before school.

-Jesus!

I didn't go to school an awful lot towards the end.

And I used to smoke a lot of drugs, as well, just to escape it.

-Just the puff?

-Yeah, just marijuana. But...

You never touched that stuff, did you, what I had?

You never touched that. Or did you?

-What, harder stuff?

-Yeah.

-No.

Oh, golly. Oh, good. Jesus.

That bad.

I just wanted to end it, really.

Mm... Mm-hm. Fucking hell.

MUSIC: Golden Brown by The Stranglers

# Golden brown, texture like sun

# Lays me down With my mind she runs

# Throughout the night No need to fight

# Never a frown with golden brown

# Every time, just like the last

# On her ship tied to the mast

# To distant lands Takes both my hands

# Never a frown with golden brown

# Golden brown, finer temptress

# Through the ages She's heading west... #