Iselder: Un Cam ar y Tro

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-I think the bridge -was the great darkness...	0:00:06	0:00:09
-..or the cliff's edge -I flirted with at the time.	0:00:09	0:00:13
-I'd sat on the bridges for hours -over the previous weekend...	0:00:13	0:00:18
-..planning precisely -where I would jump.	0:00:18	0:00:22
-For me, it was -the most perfect solution possible.	0:00:24	0:00:27
-When you know that someone -reaches the depths of despair...	0:00:31	0:00:34
-..having been depressed -for weeks, months, years...	0:00:34	0:00:38
-..it's hard to believe that someone -is in such a hopeless situation.	0:00:38	0:00:42
-I can imagine that -if someone reaches those depths...	0:00:44	0:00:48
-..it gets even more difficult -to haul yourself out of that hole.	0:00:48	0:00:53
-They can't see a way out.	0:00:53	0:00:55
-It's that dark tunnel -you're in at the time.	0:00:59	0:01:02
-You don't have -a normal perspective on life...	0:01:03	0:01:06
-..when you're going through that.	0:01:07	0:01:09
-The only thing you want to do...	0:01:10	0:01:12
-..is suppress those feelings -of emptiness and hopelessness.	0:01:13	0:01:18
-Often, people think that depression -is just a feeling of sadness...	0:01:21	0:01:26
-..but more than just the sadness...	0:01:26	0:01:28
-..people feel that their lives -have become dull.	0:01:29	0:01:32
-They don't enjoy the things -they used to enjoy.	0:01:32	0:01:36
-They see the world -in a negative manner.	0:01:36	0:01:39
-I was about 18 years old...	0:01:41	0:01:43
-..when someone told me that -my father had committed suicide.	0:01:43	0:01:47
-It was hard to comprehend initially.	0:01:49	0:01:53
-It was a huge event that's -surrounded by a lot of stigma.	0:01:55	0:01:59
-How could I deal with it?	0:01:59	0:02:01
-As a family, we've never spoken -about my father's depression.	0:02:13	0:02:17
-Tudor was 40 -when he committed suicide.	0:02:22	0:02:25
-I'd been born a fortnight earlier.	0:02:25	0:02:27
-It will be a painful journey but -I'm ready to take the first steps.	0:02:29	0:02:34
-I'm trying to discover more about -what pushed my father to the edge.	0:02:34	0:02:39
-My elder brother, Arwel, was six.	0:02:39	0:02:42
-Geraint had just turned five.	0:02:42	0:02:44
-People understand -why I appreciate my mother so much.	0:02:46	0:02:50
-She raised three of us on her own.	0:02:50	0:02:52
-I've never spoken about Dad.	0:02:57	0:02:59
-It's not an easy thing to say.	0:02:59	0:03:02
-It's hard to say the word Dad - -it's a rather friendly label.	0:03:04	0:03:09
-You connect it to this -dominant figure in your life...	0:03:10	0:03:15
-..who's such a strong influence -on you.	0:03:15	0:03:18
-My father - as a person, he's -almost a fantasy figure in my life.	0:03:18	0:03:26
-Ifor and Gwyneth Pritchard -lived opposite our home.	0:03:30	0:03:33
-They were like -a second set of parents.	0:03:33	0:03:36
-I was fortunate, I spent time -at home with Mam and my brothers...	0:03:36	0:03:40
-..and opposite -with Ifor and Gwyneth.	0:03:40	0:03:43
-I was spoilt rotten - -that's why I went there so often.	0:03:43	0:03:47
-Into my teenage years, -some things didn't make sense.	0:03:51	0:03:56
-The jigsaw didn't fit properly.	0:03:56	0:03:59
-We're fortunate enough to live -in such a wonderful place.	0:04:05	0:04:09
-The children enjoyed -all kinds of activities.	0:04:09	0:04:12
-It was easier having them outdoors -than quarrelling in the house!	0:04:12	0:04:16
-She worked very hard -to give us everything she could.	0:04:17	0:04:22
-Mam returned to university -to study Psychology.	0:04:22	0:04:25
-Sometimes, she'd be going through -her notes until the early hours.	0:04:25	0:04:31
-The upbringing -of seeing her work so hard...	0:04:31	0:04:35
-..has rubbed off on me.	0:04:35	0:04:37
-Quicker, quicker, down the middle.	0:04:40	0:04:42
-Good, good.	0:04:42	0:04:44
-Rugby has been everything to Owain -since he was eight years old.	0:04:46	0:04:50
-He had trials -for the Wales U16 team.	0:04:51	0:04:54
-He captained Cardiff University.	0:04:54	0:04:58
-Following a knee injury...	0:04:58	0:05:00
-..he gave up playing.	0:05:01	0:05:02
-He enjoys being part of the game -as a referee.	0:05:06	0:05:09
-It's nice to see him developing -and enjoying himself.	0:05:09	0:05:13
-I want to go as far as I can -as a referee.	0:05:17	0:05:19
-If I can reach international -standard, I'll be so proud.	0:05:20	0:05:25
-I don't like being told -I can't do something.	0:05:28	0:05:31
-Once I put my mind to something, -I'll work hard day and night...	0:05:31	0:05:35
-..to achieve results.	0:05:36	0:05:38
-I was exactly the same -when I started working on Stwnsh.	0:05:38	0:05:43
-Stwnsh is a lively programme, -I appear so happy on TV.	0:05:44	0:05:48
-It's an adrenaline rush.	0:05:48	0:05:50
-Everyone, including me, -have periods when we're feeling sad.	0:05:54	0:05:59
-I'm not the happy character -you're used to seeing.	0:05:59	0:06:04
-You only see me on TV -for short periods of time.	0:06:05	0:06:08
-It's just a snippet of my life.	0:06:09	0:06:13
-I go home after work...	0:06:13	0:06:15
-..close the doors and watch TV, -like anyone else.	0:06:15	0:06:18
-I go to the gym.	0:06:19	0:06:21
-If I've had a bad day, I feel sad. -I'm no different to anyone else.	0:06:21	0:06:27
-I might appear macho to others -because I don't discuss my feelings.	0:06:34	0:06:40
-But I'm a quiet person, -I don't discuss my emotions.	0:06:40	0:06:45
-As a family, we've never spoken -about depression and my father.	0:06:48	0:06:55
-Not talking about it -has been easier.	0:06:55	0:06:58
-We're a close family, -but the more time passes...	0:06:58	0:07:03
-..the harder it will be -to speak about it.	0:07:03	0:07:06
-The boys have dealt -with the situation their own way.	0:07:06	0:07:10
-I think people are scared -of talking about difficult issues.	0:07:12	0:07:17
-It's difficult to discuss issues -that could cause pain.	0:07:17	0:07:22
-Since we didn't speak about it -when we were young...	0:07:24	0:07:28
-..you've almost forgotten -about the event...	0:07:28	0:07:31
-..or the whole situation -and you just carry on.	0:07:32	0:07:35
-Trying to start the conversation -years later...	0:07:35	0:07:38
-..will be far more difficult.	0:07:38	0:07:40
-You almost lock -all your emotions away.	0:07:41	0:07:44
-I can't forget about it - -I've never forgotten about it.	0:07:44	0:07:48
-The questions have always -lingered in my mind.	0:07:48	0:07:52
-I know if I ask Mam what happened, -it will hurt and upset her.	0:07:52	0:07:57
-She's the one I respect the most.	0:07:57	0:07:59
-Everyone knows -I speak about my mother...	0:07:59	0:08:02
-..and naturally notice -I never speak about my father.	0:08:02	0:08:06
-They all know -something's happened there...	0:08:06	0:08:09
-..but no-one asks any questions.	0:08:09	0:08:12
-I used to lie and say he was still -alive and working as a mechanic...	0:08:12	0:08:17
-..in the garage -where he used to work...	0:08:17	0:08:19
-..just to avoid talking about it.	0:08:20	0:08:22
-It's very unpleasant -when you tell someone...	0:08:22	0:08:25
-..that your father -took his own life.	0:08:25	0:08:28
-A stigma exists and our family -is a perfect example of that...	0:08:32	0:08:38
-..but we're not the only family -in that position.	0:08:38	0:08:41
-There are hundreds of other families -similar to ours...	0:08:42	0:08:46
-..keeping it within the family.	0:08:46	0:08:48
-One person in every four -suffers mental problems...	0:08:49	0:08:53
-..at some point in their lives.	0:08:54	0:08:56
-Depression is one -of the most common conditions.	0:08:56	0:09:00
-It's a condition -that can affect anyone at any time.	0:09:01	0:09:04
-It affects men and women, -young and old.	0:09:05	0:09:08
-People still differentiate -between treatment for depression...	0:09:10	0:09:18
-..and other medical procedures.	0:09:18	0:09:21
-People say, "Everything will -be alright, things will improve."	0:09:22	0:09:27
-You wouldn't say that -to someone who's broken their leg.	0:09:27	0:09:31
-They don't say, "Be strong, it'll -be OK." They say, "You need help."	0:09:31	0:09:36
-The depression became evident -about two years before he died.	0:09:37	0:09:41
-You couldn't foresee it - -it came out of nowhere.	0:09:42	0:09:46
-Then again, there might have been -signs that we weren't aware of.	0:09:47	0:09:51
-You would never have thought...	0:09:52	0:09:54
-..he would have been the type -to suffer from depression.	0:09:54	0:09:58
-He was happy, he was funny, he had -a lot of friends, he was generous.	0:09:58	0:10:04
-He would do anything for anyone. -He was always helping other people.	0:10:04	0:10:09
-I've often wondered -what went through his mind...	0:10:11	0:10:15
-..during those dark times.	0:10:15	0:10:17
-Six months ago...	0:10:20	0:10:22
-..Malan Wilkinson plummeted -to the same depths of despair...	0:10:22	0:10:26
-..after many bouts of depression -over the years.	0:10:26	0:10:29
-Extreme would be the way -I'd describe it.	0:10:30	0:10:33
-A feeling of emptiness -filled my whole life.	0:10:33	0:10:36
-I felt absolutely hopeless...	0:10:37	0:10:39
-..as if life was passing me by -in slow motion.	0:10:39	0:10:43
-Sometimes, I couldn't imagine -getting up in the morning...	0:10:43	0:10:47
-..or making myself a cup of tea.	0:10:48	0:10:50
-I'd just stay in bed all day - -I saw no reason for getting up.	0:10:51	0:10:55
-It's a feeling that controls you - -it's a horrible, horrible feeling.	0:10:55	0:11:03
-The only answer I had...	0:11:06	0:11:09
-..was taking my own life, -ending my life.	0:11:12	0:11:15
-You start to plan -the way you would do it.	0:11:17	0:11:22
-From where would I jump, -how would I jump?	0:11:22	0:11:27
-How would it all work?	0:11:27	0:11:29
-I think that knowing it was the -only answer was what drove me on.	0:11:29	0:11:37
-We must remember that suicide -is still rather uncommon.	0:11:42	0:11:48
-When you think about -the large number of people...	0:11:48	0:11:52
-..who suffer from depression...	0:11:52	0:11:55
-..only a small percentage of people -go on to take their own lives.	0:11:55	0:11:59
-It's almost impossible to know -how that person feels.	0:12:02	0:12:07
-That's how it becomes -so difficult...	0:12:07	0:12:10
-..to understand -why people commit suicide.	0:12:10	0:12:13
-For us, it's so obvious - -help was available...	0:12:14	0:12:16
-..why didn't that person -talk to someone?	0:12:17	0:12:19
-My family didn't cross my mind -at all, in the heat of the moment.	0:12:23	0:12:27
-That sounds so selfish...	0:12:28	0:12:30
-..but when you're in -that mental state...	0:12:30	0:12:34
-..what you're doing to your loved -ones doesn't enter your mind.	0:12:34	0:12:40
-But then, -it just shook my life completely.	0:12:42	0:12:45
-I started to think about my mother. -Mam died when I was 17.	0:12:45	0:12:49
-I started wondering what she would -think of my situation.	0:12:49	0:12:54
-I love my sisters - -I'm one of a set of triplets.	0:12:54	0:12:58
-I thought it would be -sad to end things...	0:12:58	0:13:01
-..without trying something else.	0:13:01	0:13:03
-That's what pulled me back -from the edge.	0:13:03	0:13:06
-.	0:13:06	0:13:07
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-Subtitles - -Subtitles	0:13:11	0:13:13
-I know very little about my father. -I'm hoping to learn more in time.	0:13:16	0:13:21
-He was a Port lad. -All his family came from Port.	0:13:22	0:13:26
-The family's garage -was situated next to the station.	0:13:26	0:13:30
-I would see that garage every day.	0:13:30	0:13:33
-Tudor was a member of the Round -Table, he was a town councillor...	0:13:36	0:13:40
-..he was chairman -of Porthmadog Town Council.	0:13:41	0:13:44
-I knew he was suffering.	0:13:45	0:13:47
-He didn't share it -with other people...	0:13:47	0:13:50
-..only with those close to him.	0:13:50	0:13:52
-When you're at home, -in your own home...	0:13:52	0:13:55
-..you don't hide -your true feelings...	0:13:55	0:13:59
-..but he hid it from other people.	0:13:59	0:14:02
-A few weeks ago, I decided -to ask Mam about my father...	0:14:04	0:14:07
-..for the first time.	0:14:07	0:14:09
-I'd wanted to do it for sometime, -but how?	0:14:09	0:14:13
-It's the most difficult thing -I've ever done.	0:14:13	0:14:17
-I didn't know how I'd react. -That sounds a little selfish.	0:14:18	0:14:23
-I was worried about being in a -position I'd never been in before...	0:14:23	0:14:28
-..and finding out about things -that made life more painful...	0:14:28	0:14:33
-..than not knowing about it.	0:14:33	0:14:36
-It was new.	0:14:36	0:14:37
-It was so strange, knowing we'd -buried it all away for so long.	0:14:37	0:14:43
-Within a few minutes, -I became very emotional...	0:14:44	0:14:48
-..and started to cry.	0:14:48	0:14:50
-I set her off too, she was in tears.	0:14:52	0:14:55
-It was difficult, the most difficult -thing I've ever done.	0:14:55	0:15:00
-Just seeing her in such -an emotional situation.	0:15:00	0:15:03
-Over the years, -she's been so strong...	0:15:03	0:15:06
-..and so supportive -of myself and my brothers.	0:15:06	0:15:10
-Seeing her in such a vulnerable -position was very difficult.	0:15:10	0:15:16
-I haven't spoken to Mam about it -very much.	0:15:19	0:15:23
-In her words, -he was a nice man, a great man...	0:15:23	0:15:26
-..but difficult things -happened during his life...	0:15:27	0:15:31
-..that led to him -suffering from depression.	0:15:31	0:15:35
-I didn't know this -until about a month ago.	0:15:35	0:15:38
-He was driving to see his brother, -Uncle Mel.	0:15:39	0:15:43
-I think he was quite young, -in his 20s.	0:15:43	0:15:46
-He was with his mother, -my grandmother.	0:15:48	0:15:51
-A car pulled out in front of him -causing a crash.	0:15:53	0:15:57
-Nain was killed instantly -right next to him.	0:15:59	0:16:03
-Losing your mother in the seat -next to you...	0:16:03	0:16:07
-..must have been terrifying.	0:16:07	0:16:10
-It must have been a huge scar -on his life...	0:16:10	0:16:14
-..and an influence...	0:16:14	0:16:17
-..and one of the factors that led -to him suffering from depression.	0:16:17	0:16:25
-I'd imagine it's something -that you can never forget.	0:16:25	0:16:29
-It'll stay with you forever.	0:16:29	0:16:31
-It was like a shadow over him -for the rest of his life.	0:16:31	0:16:35
-His father had died -when he was 12 years old.	0:16:36	0:16:39
-Losing his father at 12, -then his mother when he was 25...	0:16:42	0:16:46
-..in a car accident -that wasn't his fault...	0:16:46	0:16:50
-..it's bound to affect you...	0:16:51	0:16:53
-..your outlook on life...	0:16:55	0:16:58
-..and how you cope -with other things in your life.	0:16:58	0:17:01
-Often, major events in your life -can be a catalyst for depression...	0:17:04	0:17:09
-..such as a death in the family, -being made redundant...	0:17:09	0:17:13
-..or financial difficulties.	0:17:13	0:17:15
-In truth, those events -don't cause depression in everyone.	0:17:15	0:17:19
-Everyone responds to stress -and life's events in different ways.	0:17:20	0:17:24
-At its worst, people can't see -any improvement in their lives.	0:17:26	0:17:32
-They don't feel that they, -or anyone else...	0:17:32	0:17:35
-..can do anything -to improve their lives.	0:17:35	0:17:38
-The condition can cause people -to become blinkered...	0:17:39	0:17:43
-..and see the worst in everything.	0:17:43	0:17:45
-They feel rather hopeless...	0:17:45	0:17:48
-..that their lives won't change -for the better.	0:17:48	0:17:53
-It's possible that the way -we deal with mental illness...	0:17:53	0:17:57
-..affects the stigma.	0:17:57	0:17:59
-Sometimes, people see it -as some kind of joke.	0:17:59	0:18:03
-When people talk about someone -in a mental hospital...	0:18:04	0:18:07
-..I think about people -who are crazy, over-the-top.	0:18:07	0:18:11
-People being locked away -in a hospital.	0:18:11	0:18:15
-Doctors in long white coats.	0:18:17	0:18:19
-Terrifying shock treatments...	0:18:19	0:18:22
-..that seem to try -and reboot your system.	0:18:22	0:18:25
-Those treatments and the old way -of thinking about mental health...	0:18:26	0:18:30
-..might frighten people too.	0:18:30	0:18:32
-There's still a stigma...	0:18:34	0:18:36
-..surrounding mental health problems -and depression.	0:18:36	0:18:40
-I've seen the situation improving.	0:18:40	0:18:43
-More research is undertaken...	0:18:43	0:18:45
-..to see if there are -new treatments available.	0:18:45	0:18:48
-More research is centred around...	0:18:49	0:18:52
-..how to stop depression -developing in the first place.	0:18:52	0:18:58
-It's important not to lose sight -of life's simple essentials...	0:18:58	0:19:04
-..such as having plenty of daylight.	0:19:05	0:19:08
-People's work patterns -have changed to such a degree...	0:19:09	0:19:14
-..that some don't get enough -natural light for hours at a time.	0:19:14	0:19:19
-Research has shown that this -affects sleep patterns and rhythms.	0:19:20	0:19:25
-Sleep deficiency -can be an important trigger...	0:19:25	0:19:29
-..for behavioural issues -and depression.	0:19:29	0:19:33
-Strong evidence suggests -that regular exercise...	0:19:34	0:19:38
-..decreases the chances -of depression.	0:19:38	0:19:41
-People spend time working -on their physical appearance...	0:19:45	0:19:49
-..whilst forgetting that good -mental health is also important.	0:19:49	0:19:54
-They think that it -will take care of itself.	0:19:54	0:19:57
-The two are one ultimately...	0:19:57	0:19:59
-..but only one receives attention -on a daily basis.	0:19:59	0:20:03
-It's important -to take a step back...	0:20:06	0:20:08
-..and look at the bigger picture.	0:20:08	0:20:10
-We're very lucky -to have our health.	0:20:11	0:20:15
-We should take a step back from -the hustle and bustle of life...	0:20:17	0:20:21
-..and be more aware that there are -things can affect our wellbeing...	0:20:21	0:20:26
-..if we're not careful.	0:20:26	0:20:28
-He suffered for years -before taking his own life.	0:20:29	0:20:33
-Imagine the time when he suffered, -how difficult it was for Mam.	0:20:33	0:20:38
-She would see Dad lying in his bed, -unable to get up, crying.	0:20:39	0:20:43
-It's a terrifying thing.	0:20:45	0:20:47
-I hope I never experience that -during my life.	0:20:47	0:20:51
-It's as terrifying as that.	0:20:51	0:20:53
-He received treatment in -a hospital in Llandudno for a time.	0:20:56	0:21:01
-The treatment was unsuccessful -and apparently, made things worse...	0:21:01	0:21:06
-..and sent him further down -that dark tunnel.	0:21:06	0:21:09
-It made it more difficult for him -to find a way out.	0:21:10	0:21:13
-Very gradually, throughout his life, -different events affected him.	0:21:13	0:21:20
-As time passed, -he would go deeper and deeper...	0:21:20	0:21:23
-..especially in the years -just before he took his own life.	0:21:23	0:21:27
-He could see that himself.	0:21:28	0:21:30
-The sleepless nights.	0:21:30	0:21:32
-That was the catalyst -that made him seek medical help.	0:21:32	0:21:39
-I don't think tablets -had a positive effect on him.	0:21:39	0:21:43
-He had sleeping tablets, -tablets for depression.	0:21:43	0:21:46
-I couldn't see any lasting effects -on his condition.	0:21:47	0:21:50
-He was still suffering -even when he took the tablets.	0:21:50	0:21:54
-Often you need emotional help.	0:21:54	0:21:57
-A pill won't answer -all the problems.	0:21:57	0:22:00
-Sometimes drugs work, -sometimes they don't.	0:22:00	0:22:03
-There's always room to tweak...	0:22:03	0:22:06
-..but there's no two ways -about it...	0:22:06	0:22:09
-..depression -is an emotional condition.	0:22:09	0:22:12
-You can't expect your problems to -be sorted out by swallowing a pill.	0:22:13	0:22:18
-Often, people are unhappy -about taking tablets...	0:22:18	0:22:21
-..to treat mental health problems.	0:22:21	0:22:24
-We know that 50% of the people -who are on prescription drugs...	0:22:24	0:22:29
-..don't actually take them.	0:22:30	0:22:32
-We accept that.	0:22:32	0:22:34
-I often make sure I spend -enough time explaining...	0:22:35	0:22:40
-..that taking tablets -for mental health problems...	0:22:40	0:22:45
-..is no different -to a diabetic taking insulin...	0:22:46	0:22:52
-..or an asthmatic using a pump.	0:22:52	0:22:56
-People need to take the medication.	0:22:56	0:22:59
-The mindset of doctors -was different back then.	0:22:59	0:23:03
-A doctor told Mam that Dad would -snap out of it after I was born.	0:23:03	0:23:09
-You think, "That wasn't the type -of answer I was expecting.	0:23:09	0:23:13
-"I need help here."	0:23:13	0:23:15
-# "Moonlight Sonata" - Beethoven #	0:23:15	0:23:18
-I'm one of a set of triplets -and we're very close as sisters.	0:23:23	0:23:27
-I think the world of them...	0:23:27	0:23:29
-..but I found it very difficult -to speak to them about it.	0:23:29	0:23:33
-I decided -I'd try to sort things out myself.	0:23:33	0:23:36
-I think I went to hospital -and no-one knew a thing.	0:23:37	0:23:40
-They thought I was staying with -a friend for the first few days.	0:23:40	0:23:45
-I thought I'd be there -for three, four days...	0:23:45	0:23:47
-..but I was there for three months.	0:23:48	0:23:50
-I had to tell them in the end - -it wasn't easy.	0:23:50	0:23:53
-The doctors' diagnosis -was Bipolar II disorder.	0:23:57	0:24:02
-A lot of people have heard about -Bipolar I disorder...	0:24:03	0:24:06
-..where people have highs and lows.	0:24:06	0:24:09
-Type two is different. -You suffer lows far more frequently.	0:24:09	0:24:13
-Simply put, -it's an intense form of depression.	0:24:15	0:24:20
-I'm coming through it now, -gradually, on medication.	0:24:25	0:24:29
-I'm continuing to battle -against the great darkness.	0:24:29	0:24:33
-You can carry on and it appears on -the outside as if nothing's wrong.	0:24:40	0:24:45
-People don't realize that depression -is more common than they think.	0:24:45	0:24:49
-You can't tell by looking at someone -that they're suffering.	0:24:50	0:24:54
-They can live their everyday lives, -go to work...	0:24:54	0:24:57
-..and carry on like everyone else.	0:24:57	0:25:00
-Some things can happen during -your life to make matters worse...	0:25:00	0:25:06
-..but it was there, as a condition, -for two years in the background.	0:25:06	0:25:13
-He received treatment -during that time.	0:25:13	0:25:16
-Some bouts of depression were worse -than others when something happened.	0:25:17	0:25:23
-I don't know exactly where it -happened and I don't want to know.	0:25:28	0:25:33
-In my teens, -I started asking questions.	0:25:34	0:25:38
-Why? How did he reach -that point in his life?	0:25:38	0:25:43
-I know that he tried to take -his own life at least once before.	0:25:45	0:25:49
-I'm not sure when it happened.	0:25:49	0:25:51
-He tried to overdose on tablets.	0:25:53	0:25:55
-Someone found him, -collapsed on the floor.	0:25:57	0:26:00
-He was rushed to hospital -and they pumped his stomach.	0:26:03	0:26:07
-They managed to save his life.	0:26:07	0:26:09
-More than that, I don't know.	0:26:11	0:26:13
-It was no different to any -other time when he was suffering...	0:26:14	0:26:19
-..it was no better or no worse.	0:26:19	0:26:21
-I could never have foreseen that -he could have reached a point...	0:26:24	0:26:28
-..where life was too unbearable.	0:26:28	0:26:30
-One of my earliest recollections...	0:26:33	0:26:36
-..is knowing -that exhaust fumes were involved.	0:26:36	0:26:40
-I just knew -when we'd go on family trips.	0:26:40	0:26:43
-When there were thick fumes -from a lorry in front of us...	0:26:45	0:26:49
-..we were told to close the car -windows because it was unpleasant.	0:26:49	0:26:54
-Little pointers -like that made me realise...	0:26:54	0:26:58
-..it was connected to exhaust fumes.	0:26:58	0:27:00
-That's how he took his own life.	0:27:03	0:27:06
-From what I understand, -there was no suicide note.	0:27:07	0:27:11
-It's never crossed my mind -to find out if there was a letter...	0:27:11	0:27:16
-..explaining his emotions or -the situation he found himself in.	0:27:16	0:27:21
-Even if one existed, -I don't think I'd want to read it.	0:27:22	0:27:26
-It won't provide a solution -or change what happened.	0:27:27	0:27:32
-We were all young when it happened.	0:27:33	0:27:35
-Arwel, at six years old, -was the eldest.	0:27:36	0:27:38
-Geraint was five years old.	0:27:38	0:27:41
-I was born a fortnight earlier.	0:27:41	0:27:43
-To some degree, I'm fortunate -in comparison to them.	0:27:44	0:27:50
-I have no recollection of my father.	0:27:51	0:27:53
-I have this fantasy -in my imagination...	0:27:53	0:27:57
-..of a person -who could have been part of my life.	0:27:57	0:28:01
-For them, -they have memories of the person.	0:28:04	0:28:07
-They knew what he was like, they'd -built a relationship with him.	0:28:09	0:28:14
-I can imagine that life would have -been more difficult for them...	0:28:15	0:28:19
-..especially during the early years.	0:28:19	0:28:22
-They had a father figure, a person.	0:28:22	0:28:25
-One day he was there, -the next day he was gone.	0:28:26	0:28:30
-It's nice to think he could -have been part of our lives...	0:28:31	0:28:34
-..but unfortunately, -that never happened.	0:28:34	0:28:37
-.	0:28:37	0:28:37
-Subtitles	0:28:41	0:28:41
-Subtitles - -Subtitles	0:28:41	0:28:43
-People's understanding of mental -health problems has improved...	0:28:47	0:28:52
-..but the stigma remains.	0:28:52	0:28:54
-It affects more people in Britain -and around the world.	0:28:54	0:28:59
-It's given more and more focus -in the media, on the Internet...	0:28:59	0:29:04
-..and many well-known people, -including MPs more recently...	0:29:04	0:29:09
-..have admitted suffering -from depression.	0:29:09	0:29:12
-The situation is changing -but it's important to remember...	0:29:12	0:29:17
-..that there's a strong possibility -that doctors...	0:29:17	0:29:20
-..are diagnosing -more cases of depression...	0:29:20	0:29:23
-..because there's -an increased awareness of it.	0:29:23	0:29:26
-To some degree, -more people are being diagnosed...	0:29:26	0:29:30
-..as opposed to there being -an increase in numbers.	0:29:30	0:29:34
-The longer I stayed -in the hospital...	0:29:35	0:29:39
-..I realised that I might be -there to stay for a long time.	0:29:40	0:29:45
-I realised I had to be more honest -with people about my condition.	0:29:45	0:29:50
-After speaking to my family -about it...	0:29:51	0:29:55
-..I started sending messages -on Twitter from the hospital.	0:29:55	0:29:59
-It was a relief -being able to do that.	0:29:59	0:30:02
-It was a feeling that this -wasn't a hidden condition anymore.	0:30:02	0:30:08
-It wasn't just something -that was happening to me.	0:30:08	0:30:12
-I could never have imagined -the type of reaction I received.	0:30:12	0:30:16
-It was very positive. -People wanted to show their support.	0:30:17	0:30:21
-They visited me, -people I hadn't seen for years.	0:30:21	0:30:25
-Others sent messages of support.	0:30:25	0:30:27
-It was something -that lifted my spirits.	0:30:27	0:30:30
-I've always said -that people lift other people.	0:30:30	0:30:34
-People sent me messages -telling me...	0:30:34	0:30:36
-..that members of their family -had suffered depression.	0:30:37	0:30:40
-Because I'd been so open...	0:30:40	0:30:42
-..it had given them the strength -to talk about it.	0:30:42	0:30:45
-The fact that it helped others -made me cry.	0:30:45	0:30:48
-It was obvious to everyone -that as a family...	0:30:55	0:30:58
-..intentionally or unintentionally, -we'd kept it within the family.	0:30:58	0:31:02
-At the other extreme, I have -a cousin who lives in America...	0:31:03	0:31:07
-..and according to him, everyone, -no matter where they live...	0:31:07	0:31:11
-..reveals their emotions, discusses -things with a psychologist...	0:31:11	0:31:16
-..and in his words, -everyone is on medication...	0:31:16	0:31:19
-..if they're suffering -from depression.	0:31:19	0:31:22
-Even his dog is on anti-depressants.	0:31:22	0:31:26
-It shows that there are -two very different poles...	0:31:26	0:31:29
-..and one has possibly -gone too far...	0:31:30	0:31:32
-..while we don't go far enough.	0:31:32	0:31:34
-We need a happy medium in-between...	0:31:35	0:31:37
-..which is healthier -for us as individuals.	0:31:37	0:31:40
-There have been more treatments -and more medication available...	0:31:42	0:31:47
-..since the 1980s.	0:31:47	0:31:49
-There's more medication available -with less side-effects.	0:31:49	0:31:53
-The medication -does help some people.	0:31:54	0:31:56
-More importantly, -there are more treatments...	0:31:56	0:32:00
-..where you discuss your problems.	0:32:00	0:32:02
-It's an opportunity for the brain -to evaluate the problem...	0:32:03	0:32:07
-..and not just focus -on the negative aspect.	0:32:07	0:32:10
-There are two main groups -of treatment for depression.	0:32:10	0:32:14
-There's medication -and there's discussion.	0:32:14	0:32:18
-The one with the greatest backing -is CBT, cognitive behaviour therapy.	0:32:18	0:32:24
-There's an enhanced version -of CBT called Mindfulness.	0:32:25	0:32:30
-Its origins is in Buddhism...	0:32:30	0:32:32
-..but it doesn't rely -on the religious aspect.	0:32:33	0:32:36
-Notice the feelings -across the soles of your feet.	0:32:36	0:32:40
-Move your attention -towards your toes.	0:32:40	0:32:45
-It's a way of managing the mind.	0:32:45	0:32:47
-It's similar to strengthening -our ability to keep fit.	0:32:47	0:32:52
-We'd go to the gym and exercise.	0:32:53	0:32:55
-In doing so, -we strengthen the body.	0:32:55	0:32:58
-The Mindfulness exercises strengthen -the ability to focus on one thing.	0:32:58	0:33:04
-Mindfulness has been recommended...	0:33:04	0:33:07
-..in the treatment of depression -for many years.	0:33:07	0:33:11
-The evidence suggests that if people -exercise Mindfulness regularly...	0:33:11	0:33:17
-..it decreases the risk -of experiencing...	0:33:17	0:33:20
-..further bouts of depression -by around 50%.	0:33:20	0:33:23
-Mindfulness has been a help, -especially for those...	0:33:23	0:33:27
-..who've suffered depression -more than three times.	0:33:27	0:33:31
-There's a tendency to dwell -on past pain and concerns.	0:33:32	0:33:36
-With these exercises, -we work on those concerns.	0:33:36	0:33:41
-We need to take more care -of ourselves in the present.	0:33:41	0:33:46
-What we tend to do is live our lives -in the past or in the future.	0:33:46	0:33:51
-We spend little time -concentrating on the present.	0:33:51	0:33:55
-Stresses or strains -are important factors in depression.	0:33:56	0:34:00
-Before and after -the Mindfulness session...	0:34:00	0:34:03
-..I gave a team of scientists -a sample of my saliva.	0:34:03	0:34:06
-They're researching into the effect -of Mindfulness on cortisol levels.	0:34:07	0:34:11
-The levels are higher in a person -who suffers from depression.	0:34:12	0:34:15
-Initial results are positive.	0:34:15	0:34:17
-These are the levels of cortisol -before Mindfulness.	0:34:18	0:34:20
-These are the levels afterwards.	0:34:21	0:34:23
-There's been a drop in cortisol -levels which is quite interesting.	0:34:24	0:34:29
-I can see for myself -that Mindfulness is effective.	0:34:29	0:34:33
-If it works for someone like me, -who isn't depressed...	0:34:33	0:34:38
-..it will only help those -who do have depression.	0:34:38	0:34:41
-I think -it's a very positive treatment.	0:34:42	0:34:44
-We offer sessions -for teachers in schools...	0:34:45	0:34:48
-..to see if it reduces -stress levels.	0:34:48	0:34:50
-The teachers can introduce -shorter sessions for the children...	0:34:50	0:34:55
-..to see if they can -help children concentrate.	0:34:55	0:34:58
-We've introduced a pilot scheme -and the results are positive.	0:34:59	0:35:03
-The children say -they enjoy not being taught...	0:35:04	0:35:07
-..and having a moment to relax.	0:35:07	0:35:10
-They find it helps them concentrate -on their work.	0:35:10	0:35:13
-I wouldn't be surprised -to see it being part...	0:35:14	0:35:17
-..of future health policy.	0:35:17	0:35:19
-The Parliament in London -have organised a course.	0:35:19	0:35:23
-The Assembly in Cardiff -is interested in running a course.	0:35:23	0:35:27
-This is great. People want to know -if it's relevant to society.	0:35:27	0:35:31
-Is it something -that can help everyone?	0:35:31	0:35:34
-I hope that if he were alive -and suffering today...	0:35:37	0:35:41
-..he would benefit -from new treatments.	0:35:41	0:35:44
-If he were here now, there could -be a treatment to save his life.	0:35:44	0:35:48
-.	0:35:49	0:35:49
-Subtitles	0:35:53	0:35:53
-Subtitles - -Subtitles	0:35:53	0:35:55
-Each month, I receive an email...	0:35:57	0:35:59
-..detailing all the games -I'll be officiating that month.	0:35:59	0:36:03
-It's an exciting time.	0:36:03	0:36:05
-I'm refereeing Llanelli -versus Newport at Parc y Scarlets.	0:36:06	0:36:10
-It's my first game as a referee -in the Welsh Premiership.	0:36:10	0:36:14
-It's a huge game -in my development as a referee.	0:36:17	0:36:20
-I'm stepping up -to a higher standard.	0:36:20	0:36:23
-Expectations of me will rise.	0:36:23	0:36:25
-If I perform well -and receive a good assessment...	0:36:25	0:36:28
-..that stands me in good stead -for next season.	0:36:28	0:36:31
-At times like this, I'm grateful -for the opportunities I've had...	0:36:39	0:36:43
-..and the support and trust -people have placed in me.	0:36:43	0:36:47
-I hope the process and the journey -make me appreciate...	0:36:48	0:36:53
-..how and why my father -reached the depths of despair.	0:36:53	0:36:57
-I accepted a long time ago -that I may never discover...	0:36:57	0:37:01
-..a comprehensive answer about -why my father took his own life.	0:37:02	0:37:07
-Everyone's situation is different...	0:37:07	0:37:10
-..in terms of personalities, -background and life events.	0:37:10	0:37:14
-It's just difficult to understand.	0:37:16	0:37:19
-You have no answers -and it's difficult to understand.	0:37:19	0:37:22
-When there are no answers, -it's difficult to discuss.	0:37:22	0:37:26
-I don't think it's possible -to rush through something like that.	0:37:28	0:37:32
-You must discuss it step by step.	0:37:32	0:37:34
-My hope is that the conversations -gradually become easier...	0:37:38	0:37:43
-..and discussing -the matter happens more naturally.	0:37:43	0:37:46
-The man Mam fell in love with...	0:37:47	0:37:49
-..where I came from, my background -on that side of the family...	0:37:49	0:37:54
-..I hope it can unite the family.	0:37:54	0:37:58
-There's no split in the family, -far from it...	0:37:58	0:38:03
-..but I can imagine that -there are barriers between us.	0:38:03	0:38:09
-I hope we can bring down -those barriers...	0:38:09	0:38:12
-..and take a step -in the right direction.	0:38:13	0:38:16
-When you have young children, -you just try your best.	0:38:18	0:38:22
-The children come first.	0:38:22	0:38:24
-That's the only thing you can do - -carry on and do your best.	0:38:24	0:38:28
-I'm very proud of my three sons.	0:38:29	0:38:31
-They've all succeeded - -they all have university degrees.	0:38:31	0:38:35
-They've done very well, -they have good jobs.	0:38:35	0:38:38
-They worked hard -to get where they are.	0:38:39	0:38:41
-I think they deserve to succeed.	0:38:41	0:38:44
-They've put in a lot of effort...	0:38:44	0:38:47
-..to get where they are today.	0:38:47	0:38:50
-I want to be a success - -it's part of who I am.	0:38:51	0:38:54
-I want to achieve as much as I can.	0:38:54	0:38:56
-If you don't achieve your goals...	0:38:57	0:38:59
-..and as you get older, your -aspirations start to disappear...	0:38:59	0:39:04
-..you begin to have regrets.	0:39:04	0:39:07
-You think you've let yourself down, -you've let others down.	0:39:07	0:39:12
-There are expectations -on you from a very young age.	0:39:12	0:39:16
-If you want to be a doctor, -you can be a doctor.	0:39:16	0:39:19
-If you want to be -this or the other, you can.	0:39:19	0:39:22
-If you don't achieve those goals...	0:39:22	0:39:26
-..you'll feel as if -you've let yourself down.	0:39:26	0:39:29
-Maybe you'll start -to feel disappointed and sad.	0:39:30	0:39:34
-That's when -you start spiralling downwards.	0:39:35	0:39:38
-I've posed difficult questions -about depression.	0:39:40	0:39:43
-Is there a potential, is it in -the DNA that runs in the family?	0:39:43	0:39:49
-Will it affect me at some point?	0:39:49	0:39:51
-Like my father, -will a trigger set it off?	0:39:51	0:39:56
-Am I more susceptible than others -because it runs in the family?	0:39:57	0:40:03
-Depression can run in the family...	0:40:03	0:40:06
-..but you can't say for sure -it's a genetic condition.	0:40:06	0:40:09
-If there is family history -of the illness...	0:40:10	0:40:13
-..that doesn't mean that family -members will suffer depression...	0:40:13	0:40:17
-..but it's important to be careful.	0:40:17	0:40:19
-If family members start to develop -symptoms similar to depression...	0:40:20	0:40:24
-..it would be wise to seek help.	0:40:24	0:40:26
-We all know Nigel Owens -as one of the world's best referees.	0:40:26	0:40:32
-He is also -a WRU referees' assessor...	0:40:32	0:40:36
-..and he helps develop -young referees from the academy.	0:40:36	0:40:41
-Every Welsh Premiership match -is recorded.	0:40:41	0:40:46
-I'm assessed by him -in a video briefing...	0:40:46	0:40:49
-..step by step.	0:40:49	0:40:51
-He analyses every decision -in fine detail.	0:40:51	0:40:55
-He picks up on things I can improve.	0:40:56	0:40:58
-The ball's there, -you know it's safe.	0:40:59	0:41:02
-You can have a quick scan over here. -It's all down to practise.	0:41:02	0:41:06
-This will be a step up -from the level you're used to.	0:41:07	0:41:10
-Everything happens quicker.	0:41:10	0:41:13
-When I talk to Nigel, -he analyses my refereeing...	0:41:13	0:41:18
-..but I also know that he -once suffered with depression.	0:41:18	0:41:22
-He almost took his own life.	0:41:22	0:41:26
-You learn a valuable lesson right -away when you think about that.	0:41:26	0:41:31
-He was at his lowest ebb.	0:41:31	0:41:34
-He overcame that -and became a great success.	0:41:34	0:41:37
-In terms of my own experience, -dealing with my sexuality...	0:41:37	0:41:41
-..being overweight, become -underweight through bulimia...	0:41:41	0:41:45
-..and taking drugs.	0:41:46	0:41:48
-That was the cocktail -that pushed me towards depression.	0:41:48	0:41:53
-When you're at your lowest, -when you can go no further...	0:41:53	0:41:57
-..you can only see one way out.	0:41:57	0:41:59
-That night, -I was at a point in my life...	0:42:00	0:42:03
-..where I'll never forgive myself -for what I did.	0:42:04	0:42:07
-In terms of my experience...	0:42:07	0:42:09
-..my depression built up over time.	0:42:10	0:42:13
-I decided, -"That's it, I'm going to do this."	0:42:13	0:42:17
-Within a few hours, I was doing it.	0:42:17	0:42:20
-I don't know, but I don't think -that's true of everyone.	0:42:22	0:42:25
-Some people take their time.	0:42:25	0:42:27
-It took me two to three hours -to reach that point.	0:42:28	0:42:33
-I wrote a note to my parents...	0:42:33	0:42:36
-..I walked around the village where -I was raised for the last time.	0:42:36	0:42:41
-I looked at places -that were important in my life.	0:42:41	0:42:45
-Where I played as a child, -all the memories.	0:42:45	0:42:48
-Within those two to three hours, -I knew that I was ready.	0:42:48	0:42:53
-Fortunately, -that time never arrived.	0:42:53	0:42:57
-Had the police helicopter -not found me in time...	0:42:57	0:43:01
-..within about 20 minutes, -I wouldn't be here now.	0:43:01	0:43:05
-I'd be dead.	0:43:05	0:43:06
-Myself, and many others like me, -have reached that point...	0:43:06	0:43:11
-..and come through it, thankfully.	0:43:11	0:43:14
-Believe me, life is better now...	0:43:14	0:43:17
-..than it was -when I reached that dark place.	0:43:17	0:43:21
-At Cardiff University's -Brain Research Imaging Centre...	0:43:23	0:43:28
-..they're developing new treatments -that offer hope to future sufferers.	0:43:28	0:43:34
-The brain is a complex network -of areas which link up.	0:43:34	0:43:38
-The aim of this research is to find -different treatments for depression.	0:43:39	0:43:44
-Many people don't respond -to any of the current treatments.	0:43:44	0:43:48
-Everyone's brain is different.	0:43:49	0:43:50
-Something that works for one person -doesn't always work for another.	0:43:51	0:43:54
-Around 30% of people don't respond -to any kind of treatment...	0:43:55	0:43:59
-..so it's a major problem.	0:43:59	0:44:01
-We develop treatments -specifically for the individual.	0:44:01	0:44:05
-It's not something -that works for everyone.	0:44:05	0:44:08
-We use a technique -called neuro-feedback.	0:44:09	0:44:12
-The idea is to place people -in the MRI scanner...	0:44:12	0:44:16
-..try and work out which parts -of the brain work the most...	0:44:16	0:44:20
-..whey they see or think -about positive things...	0:44:20	0:44:24
-..and teach people how to make -those areas work more efficiently.	0:44:25	0:44:30
-We showed them -positive and negative images...	0:44:30	0:44:33
-..and saw which brain areas -worked the most...	0:44:33	0:44:36
-..when positive images were shown.	0:44:37	0:44:39
-We can teach Owain -how to increase activity...	0:44:39	0:44:42
-..in the important part -of the brain...	0:44:43	0:44:45
-..for a positive outlook.	0:44:46	0:44:48
-We can adapt the technique -and use it on a daily basis.	0:44:48	0:44:54
-People who suffer from depression -then know how to treat themselves.	0:44:54	0:44:59
-Had my father had the opportunity -to do something like this...	0:44:59	0:45:03
-..how would his results -have differed to mine?	0:45:04	0:45:07
-It's hard to make comparisons -between individuals...	0:45:07	0:45:11
-..but people suffering from -depression have less brain activity.	0:45:11	0:45:16
-There was a lot of activity -in your scan.	0:45:16	0:45:19
-If someone had depression, -they would have less activity...	0:45:19	0:45:24
-..and it would be more difficult to -train the brain to work positively.	0:45:24	0:45:31
-With depression -running in the family...	0:45:33	0:45:36
-..I'm glad my brain -shows no signs of the condition...	0:45:36	0:45:39
-..but this journey -has taught me the importance...	0:45:39	0:45:42
-..of looking after the mind.	0:45:42	0:45:44
-My psychologist always says -it is what it is.	0:45:44	0:45:47
-If people just accept things -for what they are...	0:45:47	0:45:51
-..and don't have such a desire -to achieve so much all the time...	0:45:51	0:45:55
-..they'd be under less pressure and -their mental health would improve.	0:45:55	0:46:00
-You can't help anyone -until they admit there's a problem.	0:46:01	0:46:05
-That's a difficult -part of depression.	0:46:05	0:46:08
-You don't want anyone to know -about your life...	0:46:08	0:46:12
-..and as a result, -no-one can help you.	0:46:12	0:46:15
-I was very fortunate to be given -a second opportunity.	0:46:16	0:46:19
-Thankfully, -I know it's helped many people.	0:46:20	0:46:23
-I discussed for hours -with one young person...	0:46:23	0:46:26
-..who was ready -to take his own life.	0:46:27	0:46:29
-Luckily, he didn't -go through with it.	0:46:29	0:46:32
-I know from experience -that it helped.	0:46:32	0:46:34
-It winds me up sometimes - -people should talk more.	0:46:34	0:46:38
-If I'd known -about certain situations...	0:46:38	0:46:41
-..I would have tried to help -or get in touch.	0:46:41	0:46:44
-Unfortunately, -it's not as easy as that.	0:46:45	0:46:48
-The first step -is the most difficult step.	0:46:52	0:46:55
-Now that he's started the journey...	0:46:55	0:46:58
-..he's finding it easier -to ask more questions.	0:46:58	0:47:01
-There's a long way to go -but now that he's started...	0:47:02	0:47:06
-..he feels that the door is open to -ask more questions about his father.	0:47:06	0:47:11
-He feels happier that he can -do that without upsetting me.	0:47:13	0:47:19
-I hope that talking about it will -inspire others to talk about it.	0:47:20	0:47:26
-I hope we can break that stigma.	0:47:26	0:47:29
-I've started seeing the effects -right away...	0:47:30	0:47:34
-..in my own family -and close friends.	0:47:34	0:47:36
-It does get easier.	0:47:37	0:47:39
-Society has a long way to go -to accept and understand...	0:47:39	0:47:45
-..that this -is a terribly sad illness.	0:47:45	0:47:49
-For me, there's no hurry.	0:47:50	0:47:52
-The journey's started, -I'm glad it's started.	0:47:52	0:47:55
-That's how I deal with it - -I'm taking little baby steps...	0:47:55	0:47:59
-..in the hope -that I can walk and run after that.	0:47:59	0:48:03
-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.	0:48:24	0:48:26
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