Episode 1 James May's Man Lab


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Episode 1

James May continues his quest to re-skill the modern male. A handcuffed James and Oz Clarke must navigate their way across Dartmoor with a team of trackers in hot pursuit.


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Transcript


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Hello, viewers, and welcome to Man Lab Series 2,

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where we continue our quest to equip the modern male with the skills he needs to overcome life's obstacles.

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Our workshop is fully equipped.

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Our kitchen is open. Our bar is fully stocked.

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And, most importantly, our sitting area is very, very comfortable indeed.

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Excellent. Right, let's get on with something useful.

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'Man Lab is the crucible of competence, where skills are forged and shoddiness scorned.

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'It is the shining path of enlightenment leading us to the stellar heights of a job well done.

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'Coming up: I'm handcuffed to Oz Clarke and a man from Zambia wants to kill me.

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-'Yes, it's map reading.'

-At first it was a bit of a laugh. Now they're feeling hunted.

-Nowhere to hide.

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'We practise the precision craft of woodworking.

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'And descend into the bowels of England in search of the perfect pool table.

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-That's well loud!

-'And, finally,

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-'we solve a centuries-old problem. Remembering the names of girls you meet at parties.'

-Fanning.

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-Claire Fanny?

-Fanning.

-It's excruciating.

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'But first a lengthy introduction to a simple question.'

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Here we have a typical in-car portable satellite navigation system

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and it is a marvellous thing.

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It's probably the most liberating piece of popular technology to appear during my lifetime.

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Along with the desktop computer and the self-bleeding radiator valve.

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In fact, it's tempting to think that sat nav has rendered the old school printed Ordnance Survey map

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completely redundant. But hang on a minute.

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Sat nav is all very well if all you need to know is, "At the roundabout, take the third exit on the left."

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As if it could somehow be on the right.

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But what if you had to do some proper navigation?

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What if, for example, you'd just escaped from Dartmoor Prison?

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'Dartmoor Prison is horrible. Originally built to house French prisoners in the Napoleonic Wars,

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'it was designed to be even more gruesome than a 19th-century Parisian khazi.

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'Few inmates have ever escaped and those who did found themselves on Dartmoor itself,

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'one of our largest wildernesses. Most had no way of navigating

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'and would wander for days until succumbing to starvation, the cold or the treacherous bogland.

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'This, then, is the sheep-infested canvas against which I, together with TV's Oz Clarke,

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'will stage our very own prison break.'

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Let's make one thing clear. We haven't really escaped from Dartmoor - they won't let us in

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or let us show you how to get out. But from now on this is for real. We're on the run from the prison.

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And all we've got is this map smuggled in inside a cake,

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-and all we've got on it is the prison here...

-North.

-North is there.

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-Co-ordinates.

-We don't know what those mean yet. And a bridge which is slightly south-west.

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-We presume it's where we've got to go.

-Knuckles left our swag there.

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We need to work out which direction to go in. We need to know where north is. Do this with your watch.

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If you... I've got to take it off.

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Point the hour hand of your watch, which is set at the right time,

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at the sun. It's nice o'clock. But you have to work on GMT and it's summertime, so it's actually eight.

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Point the eight at the sun. If you divide the arc between the hour hand and 12 o'clock in half

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it gives you south - not north - so south is over there, roughly in line with those chimneys.

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-We want to go slightly south-west, so parallel with this wall. Agreed?

-Absolutely.

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-There are people on our tail, so we need to go.

-Get moving.

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'We set out for the bridge like two guests fleeing an S&M party.

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'On the other side of the moor, our accomplice is waiting.

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'In accordance with the rules of prison break films, he's called Knuckles and he's knocked off a Jag.

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'Knuckles has also left us some vital supplies by the bridge marked on the crude cloth map.

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'Moving as one, we make the breathless 850-metre dash,

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'driven by desperation and a topical soundtrack.'

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# Tonight there's going to be a jailbreak... #

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'So far, so good.'

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Got it. Good old Knuckles.

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Oh, boots!

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Oh, Knuckles...

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'We now had a decent survival kit - new boots, orienteering compass and, most pressingly,

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-'bolt cutters.'

-Straight off. Let's do it.

-Hang on. How do you do this?

-You...

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-One of us do one, one the other.

-OK.

-You need to push.

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Ahh.

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'Now we were free to get our heads around the two most important bits - some pork hidden inside a pie

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'and an OS map.'

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So we've escaped from Dartmoor Prison, allegedly,

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using Knuckles' map which he smuggled in with the cake. It led us to the old railway bridge.

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And on the fabric map, as Oz noted earlier, Knuckles has written some co-ordinates.

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They're obviously co-ordinates. West and North. West 54 01, North 67 03.

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And I have an Ordnance Survey map. Ordnance Survey maps are one of the great glories of creation.

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These maps tell you absolutely everything. You only have to look to get a complete picture

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-of the place you are.

-Presumably, we'll find that place on the map and that's where Knuckles

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or Nosher or Fingers will be waiting for us in the Jag.

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'Unfortunately, plotting a path to the getaway car is the least of our worries.

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'No imaginary breakout goes unpunished on Dartmoor.

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'A crack team of cross-terrain trackers is unleashed to bring us in - dead or alive.

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'Their leader, Ian "Max" Maxwell, is the world's foremost authority on animal tracking,

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'having tracked his first leopard at the age of eight. He even has his own tracking organisation -

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'codename Shadowhawk.

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'They could conceivably be a match for Clarke and May, so we set about decoding the co-ordinates.'

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54. Obviously, these big co-ordinates go 53, 54, 55.

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So 5401 is 54 and a ten, which is there.

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-So slightly to the right of that line.

-Yeah. 54 runs down there.

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6703 means that it's one-third above 67, towards 68.

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This is the line of 67. That's the line of 54...

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That's where we're meeting them! Look! Knuckles is there!

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-Unless I am wrong, that's the sign of a pub.

-It is. Knuckles is in the boozer.

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'What a great incentive for the recently released - a pub.

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'Between us and it, though, is a vast vista of lakes, woods, bogs, marshes and exposed moorland.

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'So it makes sense to plot a proper route.'

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We've plotted a very basic course from here to the edge of the woods.

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That gives us something to head for, but we can get a bearing for it with our orienteering compass.

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It has this rotating housing.

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'If you ever need to escape from Dartmoor, here's a quick guide to using an orienteering compass.

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'If you didn't quite get that, watch it again on iPlayer. We're being hunted and we must be off.'

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This arrow on the base shows you where to go. Somewhere over there, just to the east of Black Tor.

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-That's our first target.

-Yeah.

-Brilliant.

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'Meanwhile, back at the jail, Max has already picked up our scent.'

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I just found some amazing tracks here. This grass is trampled down.

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And that grass is still wet. That's gold dust to us.

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We now know within the last couple of hours someone's been here.

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They're likely to be wearing trainers. Doesn't look like a boot.

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We'll nickname this one and we'll use the nickname on our radios throughout the whole track.

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We'll call that Wavy.

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It comes round like that. This break off here means they stepped off in that direction.

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If they get stuck in the bogs, they'll struggle with this footwear.

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We need to change our boots, James.

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These things we're wearing will come to bits in bogs and things.

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-Also to change our footprints.

-We can tell if they get tired.

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Just simply the distance between the tracks will close down.

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-They might then replenish with water or drink something or eat something.

-Good old Knuckles.

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We know the direction of travel so no point in hanging around.

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I want to get on this guy's backside and track him down.

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'As Oz and I break cover and use our compass, Max also makes use of his surroundings.'

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This is Wavy. Right, let's go.

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'With the trackers in pursuit, a spotter climbs the highest hill.

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'He might just be able to pick out two blokes in romper suits.

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'The chase is on.'

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Is that it, then? You didn't get very far.

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No, sir, of course it isn't.

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We'll be picking the action up later as the miscreants make their way in a south south-westerly direction.

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Oh.

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Now, the other day we were all sitting around

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when Simmy said, "Does anyone fancy a game of pool?"

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Of course we did because we'd had a few, so we'd be brilliant at it.

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But as we went to rack 'em up, we discovered a problem - we don't have a pool table.

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Never mind, though. This is Man Lab so we'll make one.

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The game of pool is descended from billiards, which has been played since at least the 15th century.

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Indeed, the game is mentioned in Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra.

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But before we dismiss the idea of Ancient Egyptians racking them up,

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here is unassailable evidence of Ramesses II preparing to break.

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By the 1900s, the modern game of eight-ball pool AKA pocket billiards came into being

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and is now the world's most widely-played cue sport.

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If you've ever played pool, you'll know the vital attributes of a table are that it is perfectly flat

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and perfectly level. So poll tables are substantial, weighty structures.

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They're not feeble occasional tables. They are pool tables all of the time.

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Wood is the favoured material, so that is what we will use.

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Here is a piece of our wood, as hewn from the green wood of Olde England.

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We're going to use it like this, largely unchanged, for the legs.

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Let's face it, nature spent maybe up to a century forming for us this perfect wooden component.

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Why saw it up into dull old planks?

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Even though we've opted to leave the wood looking as natural as possible, we strip off the bark.

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So we spend a very satisfying afternoon working at the logs with chisels

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until the chestnut is exposed. The real issue with our naturalistic table, though, is yet to come.

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Here we are in the Deliveries In area of Man Lab. We have a problem.

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No two pieces of our wood are the same.

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More to the point, no piece we have is straight and square.

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Nature abhors regularity, straightness and squareness. They are conceits of civilisation.

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So the problem we have is that we have to work out where to put the bits of wood

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so that we do come out with something square and true. We've come up with this excellent system.

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We name a nominal north on the floor, which I will do here. We'll call that north.

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'We've selected a unique log for each leg of our table. We mark each one with north and a number.

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'That establishes their position and orientation.

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'Next we mark on the irregular logs the corners of the regular pub pool table that must lie in there.

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'Through geometric cunning, we hope to wrest engineering order from the chaos of nature.'

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If it was a chair, machine-made, on a lathe, you could make thousands and they'd all go together

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because that's mass production, but you can't do that with this.

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This is woodland craft skill.

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'So using this rustic, 4,000rpm, carbine-tipped chop saw,

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'we cut the longitudinal and cross members to the right length.

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'Then we set about chiselling the joints to hold the table together.'

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Here are the joints. Very simple mortise and tenon joints.

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That is the tenon. That is the mortise cut in there.

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They are the same at all four corners. What's unique about each is this shape we're about to cut.

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That is the, ahem, inter-penetration between that piece of wood and that one.

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Once we've got that in place, we can offer up the slate, which we don't have yet.

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That is why Rory is standing here, like a virgin teenager at a wedding reception, ready for me to say,

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-"Rory, it's time to go and get the slate." Rory, it's time to go and get the slate.

-OK.

-Off you go.

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'So Rory slips in his favourite CD and off he goes.

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'323 miles up the road all the way to the Lake District.

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'This rugged landscape is home to England's last working underground slate mine at Honister Pass.

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'The artisans of Honister have been mining and shaping slate into things like roof tiles and kitchen worktops

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'for the last 300 years.

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'It's Rory's job to journey into the mines and extract the perfect piece for our pool table.

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'Meanwhile, with the final inter-penetration joint cut and assembled...

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'the frame is done. Now we need to make the support for the slate.

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'This will have to be absolutely flat and level.'

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This is the mysterious coming together of the square and true and not square and true.

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This is where we will find out if our great philosophical thinking bears any fruit.

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Or if we're just going to have a very long-lasting bonfire. This is pretty dense stuff.

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'So we set about cutting precise notches in the frame to take the supports.

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'These have to be equidistant above the floor, which is level, so the slate will be, too.

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'Talking of the slate...

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'It's still part of the Lake District, but not for long.

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'Not with Rory Barker, feared slate prospector, ready to go to work.

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'Rory ventures underground, wearing an expression that suggests it's where he just came from.'

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-How is it all rigged up? I see these wires.

-We're using a bit of dynamite to take the roof out.

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It's set off electronically. You press a button to send a charge.

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-How loud is it going to be?

-Just a little bang, a little pop.

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LOUD EXPLOSION

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-RORY:

-BLEEP!

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LAUGHTER

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That was well loud!

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-Why didn't you put your earphones on?

-He said not to! He said not to put them on!

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He said I didn't need to!

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'Still, the unwitting victim of the oldest practical joke in mining has done us proud.

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'This chunk of Cumbria is destined to become the soul of our table,

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'just as soon as it's been milled to the dimensions in Rory's notebook.

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'Back at Man Lab, the side rails have been cut and notched to take the clamps for the cushions.'

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Well done. It's only taken you three days.

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Very nice.

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'The moment of truth.

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'If Rory's measurements are wrong, it's back to square one for us and the Jobcentre for him.'

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Wow!

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'So with the slate in position, Sim completes the holes for the pockets, hewn out of solid chestnut.

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'Now we can cover our slate in glorious blue baize, taking care to avoid wrinkles.'

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It's gone wrong, but not disastrously.

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'All that remains is to fit the rails and the cushions and I'm ready to take a test shot.

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'Luckily, Simmy has a wire-based solution.'

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Oh, yes!

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Simmy, that is... that's a thing of beauty.

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'What a table this is! We preserved the natural beauty of raw timber,

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'but dignified it with geometry.

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'We've cut a perfect playing surface

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'and sheathed it in that blue baize that the bloke in the haberdashery shop hadn't shifted for years.

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'But the most terrifying job is yet to come - marking it up with an indelible felt tip pen.

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-'Director Tom loses the toss.' Are you ready?

-Yes.

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-Anything you need to say to your family?

-No, they'll never speak to me again anyway if it went wrong.

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-Right...

-Slowly, evenly. Don't panic.

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DRUM ROLL

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Yeah!

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'With the symbolic D filled in, our table is finally finished.'

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And there's the Pot Black music.

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THEME FROM "Pot Black" PLAYS

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'This only took seven days.'

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Now we're going to inaugurate it with a game between me and Sim. I won the toss so I break.

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For the very first time ever on the Man Lab pool table...

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Yee-hah!

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Pretty good.

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Meanwhile, there are still two men on the run on Dartmoor.

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'Oz and I are fleeing from Dartmoor Prison, heading for a rendezvous with Knuckles.

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'But between us and him is a wilderness of rough terrain - lakes, woods, bogs and marshes.

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'We've broken our chains and changed our boots, but in hot pursuit are expert man hunters.

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'As we race towards the cover of some distant woods,

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'a spotter is sent to the top of a nearby hill to watch for us.'

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The problem is we're only just out of sight of the Tor over there, where we suspect they're looking.

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There's no way round the problem of having to cover quite a large area of open ground.

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Why don't we apply Naismith's Rule? We've got to cover that ground as fast as possible.

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We need to get round the corner of that hill over to the trees.

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Naismith's Rule says that... These rules(!) ..you can cover three miles in an hour.

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And you have to allow an extra half hour for going up 300 metres.

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So, technically, we're going down, so we can take a little off that.

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And we've got something like two miles and a bit to go.

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I reckon that we should say to ourselves that we will not allow ourselves more than 40 minutes.

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-I'd like to do it in half an hour.

-Half an hour to that hill?

-Maximum.

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If they look in this direction, they'll see us.

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Let's follow the contour.

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We'll make quicker progress following the contour.

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A fundamental rule is follow the contour.

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'Contours are lines of equal elevation above sea level.

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'These decreasing circles represent hills, with each line 10 metres higher than the last.

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'So the closer the circles are, the steeper the hill. Oz and I will use them to zig-zag through the bogs

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'on the lowest path to avoid the spotter.'

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Over here. And then onto the stone again.

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-'We are, after all, consummate outdoorsmen.'

-Then another stone.

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'But Max and his team are just 40 minutes behind and gaining fast.'

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OK. I'm going to lift this up, but basically I can tell this is really fresh.

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It's got a human hair from an arm on top of it.

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There we go.

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They've changed their boots, the sneaky little devils.

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That's what we've been following. And that's Mr Wavy.

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We saw that outside the prison. They've been here a while.

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Some water.

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These have been used, haven't they?

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There we go. They've been used once. See that silver in there? That links up.

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I think these guys just got out of their handcuffs. OK, let's go, guys. As quick as we can.

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OK, a track. Good stuff.

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Because they've changed shoes, this links into that boot.

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Let's give a nickname. Pineapple Boy?

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The reason we call it Pineapple Boy is because the segments inside that track look like pineapple segments.

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'Back on the moors and trying to stay low, Oz and I suddenly hit a big problem - a road.

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'We're not just exposed to the spotter here. Passing motorists might see sunlight on Oz's head.'

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We're about to cross the road. The trick is to cross it at right angles as quickly as possible.

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-Yep.

-OK.

0:25:280:25:30

Watch it. Sheep!

0:25:400:25:43

Tango One to Tango Two. I've got two people running on the valley floor.

0:25:450:25:51

The Tor's up there. No, this side - here! Here!

0:25:510:25:56

-Yeah, I think we've got 'em.

-Down to the left of the second peak. Pretty much where he's standing.

0:25:560:26:02

That's them. OK, what we've got to do now, because we've got an eyeball on them, is move very quickly.

0:26:020:26:08

'So Max and his trackers are striking out from the bridge across the moor.

0:26:080:26:14

'Although Oz and I have a small lead, there's a long way to go and we're completely exposed.'

0:26:140:26:21

We can't even hide against the side of a hill. It's just so obvious,

0:26:210:26:25

a couple of blokes racing across open country like this.

0:26:250:26:29

If they're up on the Tor looking for us, north, south, east, west,

0:26:290:26:33

25% of the time they'll be looking in our direction. So they've got to have seen us.

0:26:330:26:40

We were out in open country for about 10 minutes. They'd have two and a half minutes looking at us

0:26:400:26:46

flailing across that hassocky bog.

0:26:460:26:49

'Thanks to Oz, I'd fully grasped the concept of 25% of something.

0:26:490:26:53

'Anyway, there's some good news up ahead.

0:26:530:26:57

'This symbol on an OS map is a tree. When you get lots of them, you get woods.'

0:26:570:27:02

I think we need to find somewhere to make ourselves look less obvious.

0:27:040:27:09

This aqueduct is really useful. It will show us precisely the way. It's got to go downhill.

0:27:090:27:16

But it also means it's dead easy for them to track. We need to make ourselves less conspicuous.

0:27:160:27:23

-It won't be too bad in the trees.

-The worst thing is the boiler suit, but I can't take it off.

0:27:230:27:29

I've only got my boxers and my t-shirt. I'll get arrested.

0:27:290:27:33

Not out here, because...

0:27:330:27:36

At 800 yards, you would look like a stick. They wouldn't know what you're wearing.

0:27:360:27:41

It's 500 yards before you can see the colour of clothing. If you want to keep the boiler suit on,

0:27:410:27:48

we could cover ourselves in mud. That will massively improve our ability to blend in.

0:27:480:27:54

'Somehow the wine expert managed to make this sound like a good idea.'

0:27:540:27:59

-You're seriously saying I have to do the top of my head?

-I would.

0:27:590:28:03

It'll ruin my moisturiser, lovingly applied this morning.

0:28:040:28:09

'Thus disguised, we were off once more, seamlessly blending in with our environment.

0:28:130:28:19

'You have to get up pretty early to outsmart Mr Wavy and Pineapple Boy.'

0:28:190:28:23

Brilliant! OK, guys. Come in.

0:28:240:28:28

WHISTLES

0:28:280:28:29

That's what we needed. This plant is bent over. It should be like that.

0:28:310:28:37

We've got one, two. So that gives us the direction.

0:28:370:28:42

This is called flagging. Rather like a flag flying in the wind.

0:28:420:28:46

The flag will point in the direction of travel. Absolutely brilliant news.

0:28:460:28:52

It was really hard about an hour ago. We couldn't see anything because of the bog.

0:28:520:28:57

All we needed was one track to tell us they're in this direction.

0:28:570:29:01

Now we've got a feature bridge and all these things, so we'll start running, moving as quickly as we can.

0:29:010:29:09

Let's go, guys. Pick it up.

0:29:090:29:12

'As Max and his team head towards the aqueduct, we enter the woods and finally get out of sight.'

0:29:120:29:18

Aaargh.

0:29:180:29:19

Don't dally. We have a lot of bluebells.

0:29:200:29:24

'The question is - is it all too late?'

0:29:240:29:28

There are tracks all over the place.

0:29:280:29:30

Right, OK. This is just the oldest trick in the book.

0:29:390:29:43

You can see where they've just literally scooped out as much mud as they can.

0:29:430:29:48

Two hands like that, grabbed it, rubbed it around, then put it on to their faces, yeah?

0:29:480:29:54

So I'm going to do exactly the same as them to try and get into their mindset, yeah?

0:29:540:30:00

'He's getting into the mind of Oz Clarke. This is a man who truly knows no fear.'

0:30:000:30:06

Some people put two stripes like that because it looks good,

0:30:060:30:10

but if you go into, for example, ferns where you've got sharp angles,

0:30:100:30:15

you'd wear sharp camouflage as well.

0:30:150:30:18

But equally, if you've got sharp features,

0:30:180:30:22

a very sharp nose or high cheekbones,

0:30:220:30:25

you'd use a stripe coming down to get rid of the high points on your face.

0:30:250:30:30

'With both teams entering the woods, we're reaching the end game in our escape to freedom.'

0:30:300:30:36

They can smell us. They smell pork pie on our breath.

0:30:360:30:40

These guys are escaping from us now. At first, it was a bit of a laugh.

0:30:400:30:45

Now they're feeling like they're hunted and a pack of guys will come down on them really soon.

0:30:450:30:51

And I should think that where they are, at the moment, it's all becoming clear to them.

0:30:510:30:57

-French cheeses. Don't trust French cheese!

-Shut up about bloody cheese!

0:30:570:31:01

Time is not on their side and we're going to get them.

0:31:010:31:05

'Yes, it's that part of the show where we respond to the letter

0:31:130:31:17

'that literally poured into the Man Lab only the other day.

0:31:170:31:21

'It might contain the germ of a good idea,

0:31:210:31:25

'which means we don't have to think one up or even pay you.'

0:31:250:31:29

Here we go.

0:31:290:31:30

"May," it says, "please could you show us that clip where you laugh at Charlie's attempt

0:31:300:31:36

"to draw that girl he fancied in the last series of Man Lab?"

0:31:360:31:40

All right, here's the clip.

0:31:400:31:42

'To impress her, Charlie decided to capture Cass's loveliness in a beautiful, hand-drawn portrait.

0:31:420:31:48

'Fortunately, I was on hand to offer a frank appraisal of Charlie's drawing skills.'

0:31:480:31:54

LAUGHTER

0:31:540:31:57

HE CONTINUES LAUGHING

0:32:010:32:03

'Thus passed a happy afternoon in mocking Charlie's attempts to draw the human face.'

0:32:030:32:09

It's really touching and I can't draw. That's why I don't...

0:32:090:32:13

LAUGHTER

0:32:130:32:15

"Then could you show us if you could do it any better?"

0:32:160:32:19

'Bugger!

0:32:190:32:21

'I've always believed, ever since school, that you can either draw or you can't.

0:32:210:32:26

'And I can't. I'll show you what I mean by sketching our sound man Dan.

0:32:260:32:32

'It is, in the words of Claude Monet, "tres difficile".'

0:32:320:32:36

Your nose isn't straight. There's some hair stuff going on there.

0:32:360:32:40

I can't do it. I just don't know how to do it.

0:32:400:32:44

I can't see it. It's just a mass of colour. I don't know how to make it come out in a pencil.

0:32:440:32:49

'But here's a man who reckons drawing can be taught.

0:32:490:32:53

'John Myatt is an art teacher by training, but his talent for mimicking the masters

0:32:530:32:58

'eventually led to a brush with the law.

0:32:580:33:01

'But now he's a reformed man and he's here to teach me the eternal mystery of the human face.'

0:33:010:33:07

JAMES LAUGHS

0:33:090:33:12

Well, we can... We can build on this, James.

0:33:120:33:15

CONTINUES LAUGHING

0:33:150:33:18

Um...

0:33:180:33:20

Is it as bad as Charlie's picture of Cassandra?

0:33:200:33:23

LAUGHTER

0:33:230:33:25

'Accepting that I'm an artless buffoon is a low point in my life,

0:33:250:33:30

'but it quickly passes and John is able to progress to some handy hints.

0:33:300:33:35

'There are basic rules anyone can follow to dispel the impression that you tried drawing with your feet.'

0:33:350:33:41

If we look at the actual shape of Dan's head,

0:33:410:33:44

you can see that in fact it's long and thin, isn't it?

0:33:440:33:48

It's like an egg, but squashed in at the sides.

0:33:480:33:52

What hardly anybody realises is that the eyes are halfway down the skull.

0:33:520:33:56

If we draw a line from top to bottom, somewhere along here you're going to find the eyes.

0:33:560:34:01

And then the bottom half of the face is where it all happens.

0:34:010:34:06

There's the forehead, but halfway down again,

0:34:060:34:10

between the line for the eyes and the line of the chin,

0:34:100:34:14

we can roughly say somewhere there is the root of the nose,

0:34:140:34:19

and then we split that into one, two, three,

0:34:190:34:22

and somewhere along here is the line of the lips,

0:34:220:34:26

and then along this bottom line, we've got the chin. Already you can start to work on a likeness.

0:34:260:34:32

'So basic portraiture is first and foremost about remembering your proportions.

0:34:320:34:37

'A line up from the edge of the nostrils will show you where the inner edge of the eye is.

0:34:370:34:43

'Ears run from the top of the eyebrows to the bottom of the nose and so on,

0:34:430:34:47

'then you move on to reveal the soul of your subject.'

0:34:470:34:51

OK, that's Dan as I drew him earlier on

0:34:510:34:54

before anyone had ever taught me anything about drawing.

0:34:540:34:58

And after about 35 minutes, 40 minutes' tuition, Dan is still no oil painting,

0:34:580:35:04

but he does look like that which I think is better.

0:35:040:35:07

It's the best drawing I've ever done.

0:35:070:35:10

It does actually look a bit like him.

0:35:100:35:13

JAMES LAUGHS

0:35:140:35:17

'This clearly requires practice.

0:35:170:35:19

'Rather than alienate the film crew further, I decide to have a crack at some tourists instead.

0:35:190:35:25

'The mark of my new-found artistry will be if anyone is prepared to pay me for my efforts.'

0:35:250:35:30

The artist Paul Cezanne once said, "With an apple I will astonish Paris."

0:35:300:35:36

And now with my pencil, I will dismay London.

0:35:360:35:41

'My alluring sign and "pay what you think it's worth" policy draws a steady stream of tourists

0:35:440:35:49

'wanting something for the ancestral gallery.'

0:35:490:35:53

-Look at me square on.

-OK.

-And if you could smile a bit, but try not to show your teeth. I can't do those.

0:35:530:36:00

'I do my best to remember my lessons in proportion,

0:36:000:36:04

'the faces shaped like squashed eggs, the halfway lines for the eyes.

0:36:040:36:09

'But the one thing I wasn't taught was an artist's patter.'

0:36:090:36:13

Try not to smile too much or move. His eyes would be there in a normal human being.

0:36:130:36:19

When I try to draw a woman, I make her look a bit manly.

0:36:190:36:22

You have no real head to talk of which is interesting.

0:36:220:36:26

I might have that roughly... No, you're still too fat.

0:36:260:36:30

-Your haircut is not dissimilar to mine.

-Sorry, I don't hear very well.

0:36:300:36:35

'Probably for the best. I began to realise that, like all great artists,

0:36:350:36:40

'I would never be appreciated in my own time.'

0:36:400:36:43

-I look like a smuggler from about 1800!

-I look a bit cross.

0:36:430:36:48

'Being on the South Bank doesn't help either.

0:36:480:36:52

'For every couple of normal people, there's someone who looks like this bloke.'

0:36:520:36:57

The head is an egg, but I can't see much of his head.

0:36:570:37:00

At least it prevents me having to do too much of your nose because most of it is hidden, which is good.

0:37:000:37:07

'Three portraits down and thanks to Moodius Maximus, my coffers are not exactly overflowing.'

0:37:090:37:15

A used staple. Do you know what I think? I think the Romans can bugger off.

0:37:150:37:21

B-V-G-G-E-R...off!

0:37:210:37:25

'But just as I was getting ready to call it a day and cut my own ear off,

0:37:250:37:30

'amazingly, I began to improve as the practice of sketching portrait after portrait started to pay off.'

0:37:300:37:37

I quite like it, actually.

0:37:370:37:39

In an odd sort of way.

0:37:430:37:46

'Though I was getting the hang of it, the question remained - would anyone actually pay for my efforts?'

0:37:460:37:52

-Two euros.

-LAUGHTER

0:37:520:37:54

Oh!

0:37:560:37:57

Look at that!

0:38:000:38:02

I think it's really good, actually. I do.

0:38:020:38:05

HE LAUGHS

0:38:050:38:07

'Art, they say, is its own reward,

0:38:080:38:11

'but a grand total of £10, two euros and a used staple means I can go to the pub and that's better.'

0:38:110:38:17

Leonardo da Vinci once said, "Art is never finished. It is merely abandoned."

0:38:170:38:22

I think it's an excellent idea.

0:38:220:38:25

Can I have a cheeseburger?

0:38:250:38:27

'So just in case one of your viewers ever writes to you, here are those tips again.

0:38:270:38:33

'The head is roughly a squashed egg shape tapering at the bottom.

0:38:330:38:37

'Draw a line halfway up which is where the eyes will be.

0:38:370:38:40

'They are an eye's width apart, but don't draw the middle eye.

0:38:400:38:44

'Dividing the bottom of the face in half tells us where the end of the nose will be.

0:38:440:38:49

'Dividing the space below that into three tells you where to put the mouth and chin.

0:38:490:38:54

'Add ears, hair, beards and hats to suit.'

0:38:540:38:57

-We were talking in the Man Lab the other day and we all agree. Bob the director...

-Tom!

0:39:020:39:08

-Sorry, Tom. And Stan on the camera...

-Sean!

-Sorry, Sean on the camera.

0:39:080:39:13

..that remembering names is a very difficult skill for a man to master, especially at big events.

0:39:130:39:19

However, there are techniques for dealing with this.

0:39:190:39:22

In the interests of preventing a man looking like a feckless, teenage halfwit, we decided to try them out,

0:39:220:39:29

using one, our very own Rory.

0:39:290:39:33

'And here is a baffled Rory who we've managed to smuggle into the army rugby league charity dinner,

0:39:330:39:40

'the jewel in the military social event calendar.

0:39:400:39:43

'I'm monitoring his every move from the man van.'

0:39:430:39:47

From here, I can see everything that's going on on this screen, a live feed from our main camera.

0:39:470:39:53

There's Rory's face now.

0:39:530:39:55

I can hear everything Rory says through this device.

0:39:550:39:59

By pressing this button, I can advise him through a secret earpiece hidden in his ear.

0:39:590:40:04

You can just see the camera discreetly hidden in his clothing.

0:40:040:40:08

'During the pre-dinner drinks, Rory must circulate as unobtrusively as possible,

0:40:080:40:13

'learning each guest's full name. Later, he will play the role of master of ceremonies,

0:40:130:40:19

'announcing each guest as they present themselves to be seated for dinner.'

0:40:190:40:24

I also have here the names of all the guests,

0:40:240:40:27

plus the added complication, because this is the army, of their ranks

0:40:270:40:31

and I have, on this computer and on various bits of paper,

0:40:310:40:35

details of known techniques for helping to remember people's names.

0:40:350:40:39

In short, though, what we're asking Rory to do here is pretty much impossible.

0:40:390:40:46

Look at his face now. Look at him, he's getting nervous.

0:40:460:40:50

A couple of quick techniques - use the name frequently,

0:40:500:40:54

so find an excuse to say it a number of times.

0:40:540:40:57

The next guys that come in, I'll keep saying their names.

0:40:570:41:00

Don't overdo it or they'll think you're a nutcase.

0:41:000:41:04

'A new crowd of guests has arrived. Time for Rory to try out technique number one.'

0:41:040:41:09

-Hi, I'm Rory.

-Hello. Emma.

-Nice to meet you, Emma. How are you doing, Emma?

-Very well.

0:41:090:41:14

-Good evening. Rory.

-Hi, I'm Claire.

-Nice to meet you, Claire. Did you get here all right, Claire?

-Yes.

0:41:140:41:20

Nice one, Claire. Nice to meet you, Michelle. Lovely drink there, Michelle. Drink it up, Michelle.

0:41:200:41:26

HE LAUGHS

0:41:260:41:29

-How are you doing, Stu?

-Not bad.

-Having a good night, Stu?

0:41:300:41:34

Lovely. Enjoy yourself, mate. Have a good night, Stu.

0:41:340:41:38

-He thinks you're a...

-BLEEP

-..lunatic!

0:41:380:41:42

-What was the first one called?

-Her name was Emma.

0:41:430:41:46

-I think.

-You're right.

-Yes!

0:41:460:41:49

'No-one is quite clear why a village idiot is at their dinner,

0:41:490:41:54

'but they're too polite to mention it. Another technique...'

0:41:540:41:58

Ask, "How do you spell your name?"

0:41:580:42:00

-Roger...?

-Dussard.

-Dussard. How do you spell "Dussard"?

-D-U-S-S-A-R-D.

0:42:000:42:07

-It's French.

-French? Oh, zut alors!

-Oui.

0:42:070:42:11

Silly sod!

0:42:110:42:13

To help you remember, write it with the tip of your finger,

0:42:130:42:17

but not in the air because that'll make you look really a lunatic!

0:42:170:42:22

-What's your name?

-Norman.

-Nice to meet you, Norman. I'm Rory.

0:42:220:42:26

-Rory Barker.

-Rory Barker...

0:42:260:42:29

You don't need to spell your own name out, but use your full name, so you can get their full name.

0:42:290:42:35

'I'm starting to wonder if Rory might have problems beyond the help of memory techniques,

0:42:350:42:41

'and as the guests flood in, he struggles to keep up.'

0:42:410:42:45

-Andy Kershaw.

-Andy Kershaw.

-Rich Naivalurua.

-Naivalurua.

0:42:450:42:49

-Fanny... Fanning.

-Fanning.

-Fanning.

0:42:490:42:51

-Claire Fanny?

-No, Fanning. Sorry.

0:42:510:42:54

-It's excruciating.

-Ben, sorry...?

-Ben Hughes.

-Ben Hughes.

0:42:540:42:58

So how do I remember his name?

0:42:580:43:01

Do little rhymes. It's Hughes, so you could do the association "huge Hughes" cos he's a big bloke.

0:43:010:43:08

Yes. Yes, big, huge...

0:43:080:43:10

Ben Huge, Ben Hughes.

0:43:100:43:13

Big Hughes, Ben Hughes. This is a nightmare. It's all going wrong.

0:43:130:43:17

God, he looks nervous!

0:43:170:43:19

And you're Katie Eastwick... Katie Garside.

0:43:190:43:23

-Eastwick?!

-It was close.

0:43:230:43:25

-Really close(!)

-I think she quite likes you, Rory.

0:43:250:43:28

-Yes, she's only human.

-Don't say that out loud, you fool!

0:43:280:43:32

-Sorry, I wasn't talking to you then.

-What are you talking to?

-I was talking to my drink.

0:43:320:43:38

LAUGHTER

0:43:380:43:40

-What do you mean? I'm not...

-Get out of that one!

0:43:400:43:43

I'm sorry.

0:43:430:43:46

Talking to his drink!

0:43:470:43:49

I forgot that she could hear me when I spoke to you. Oh, she's looking at me.

0:43:490:43:54

Subtly...

0:43:550:43:57

'Time is running out and so far, Rory has managed to remember a few and terrify many.'

0:44:010:44:06

Rory, just to let you know, I don't want you to panic, but it's three minutes to dinner.

0:44:060:44:11

'With the clock ticking, Rory is suddenly hit by a scrum of late arrivals.'

0:44:110:44:17

-John...?

-Hulatt.

-I've written it with my finger.

0:44:170:44:20

-Also the rhyming association, it's the army, John Hulatt, "bullet".

-Hulatt, "bullet". And Caroline.

0:44:200:44:26

-That's C-A-R-O...

-Jeremy Bethel is a Colonel. He is a Colonel!

0:44:260:44:31

Stuart. Stu-art.

0:44:310:44:34

-Is that Ben Johnson?

-That is Nobby...

0:44:340:44:37

-Nobby Nocock. Nobby...

-It's Nobby Pocock.

0:44:370:44:41

D-U-S-S-A-R-D. Roger Dussard.

0:44:410:44:44

I can't work out if these blokes find Rory incredibly charming

0:44:440:44:49

or the biggest chump they've ever had in their mess room.

0:44:490:44:53

LAUGHTER

0:44:530:44:56

Bring your drinks, please.

0:44:560:44:58

Oh, here we go! Good luck.

0:44:580:45:00

Right, thank you very, very much.

0:45:000:45:03

The format for tonight, in a moment, I'm going to hand over to Rory.

0:45:030:45:08

Rory, come to the centre, mate.

0:45:080:45:10

Rory's been going round trying to memorise all your names. Who am I?

0:45:100:45:14

You are Ryan...

0:45:140:45:16

-..Swindale.

-OK, well done. All right, yeah.

0:45:170:45:20

-We can do this, Rory, I think.

-I'm going to hand over to Rory and Rory is going to call you through.

0:45:200:45:26

'Time to see what Rain Man Rory can do.'

0:45:260:45:30

Ben Hughes.

0:45:320:45:34

'Ben Hughes, AKA Ben Huge. Word association technique - correct.'

0:45:340:45:38

Emma...

0:45:390:45:41

Emma...

0:45:420:45:43

-Who the hell is Emma?

-Po...

0:45:430:45:46

Bo... Bowes... Emma Bowes-Crick.

0:45:460:45:48

Good rescue. 'Emma Bowes-Crick. Repeating the name back to them technique - correct.'

0:45:490:45:55

-Colonel.

-Colonel Jeremy Bethel.

-Thank you.

-'Only bloke in a white jacket - easy one.'

0:45:550:46:02

Ben Johnson?

0:46:040:46:06

'Writing the name with the finger technique - failed.'

0:46:060:46:10

Ben Hulatt.

0:46:100:46:12

Oh, nearly.

0:46:120:46:14

And Julie Hulatt.

0:46:140:46:17

'Word association technique - Hulatt, bullet, correct.'

0:46:170:46:21

Norman...

0:46:210:46:23

Sergeant Major Norman...

0:46:240:46:27

-Come on.

-Montford.

0:46:270:46:30

'Writing the name with your finger technique - failed.'

0:46:300:46:34

-Andy Gray.

-'Name repetition - correct.'

0:46:340:46:37

-Ben Johnson.

-LAUGHTER

0:46:370:46:39

'He's not Ben Johnson either.'

0:46:390:46:41

Katie Garside.

0:46:410:46:44

'Speaking to a gin and tonic, not a recognised technique, but it'll do.'

0:46:440:46:49

Roger Dussard, D-U-S-S-A-R-D.

0:46:490:46:53

'Clarifying spelling technique - flying colours!'

0:46:530:46:57

Um...

0:46:570:46:59

-Clive...

-No.

0:47:000:47:02

-Jeremy...

-No.

0:47:020:47:04

-Fred...

-No.

-Andrew...

-No.

0:47:040:47:07

-Ben...

-No.

-Johnson.

0:47:070:47:10

-LAUGHTER

-I'm not sure Ben Johnson's actually here!

0:47:100:47:14

Who's this bloke?

0:47:140:47:16

-Ben Johnson?

-CHEERING

0:47:160:47:19

Ben Johnson!

0:47:190:47:21

'With the great Ben Johnson mystery of 2011 solved,

0:47:220:47:26

'Rory slam-dunks the final guests with ease.

0:47:260:47:29

'My score sheet shows that Rory actually managed to remember over half the names

0:47:290:47:35

'of these identically dressed people. Strangely though, he wasn't invited to join them.'

0:47:350:47:41

On reflection, perhaps society would be better served

0:47:410:47:45

if we could all just acknowledge that we can't remember each other's names,

0:47:450:47:50

then we won't all look like idiots, just like Roger there.

0:47:500:47:53

Anyway, meanwhile, back on Dartmoor, the net is closing.

0:47:530:47:58

'Oz and I have escaped from prison and are on the run from a crack team of expert trackers

0:47:580:48:05

'with only our orienteering skills and basic camouflage to help us.

0:48:050:48:10

'Our goal - Knuckles, our getaway driver, waiting for us on the other side of miles of tough terrain.

0:48:120:48:18

'We've already made it across the moors from Dartmoor Prison to these woods,

0:48:180:48:23

'but the trackers are closing us down.'

0:48:230:48:26

Right...

0:48:310:48:32

-Right, quick map update.

-Yeah.

0:48:370:48:39

We made our point here at the edge of the woods.

0:48:390:48:42

We've walked into them to this curve here on the path, widely used by ramblers and so on.

0:48:420:48:48

There's two schools of thought. One says you should stick to the path

0:48:480:48:53

because you go much quicker, there's nothing unusual about people walking on paths,

0:48:530:48:59

there's already lots of tracks on them, you don't make as much noise.

0:48:590:49:03

The other school of thought says we should go straight through the woods as we're less likely to be seen.

0:49:030:49:09

I say we go through the woods and then hug the northern edge of the reservoir.

0:49:090:49:14

'So that's what we do - disappearing furtively into the undergrowth like two wanted plumbers.

0:49:140:49:21

'But after 20 minutes of struggling through branches and bogs and making precious little progress,

0:49:220:49:29

'Oz has had enough of my bright idea.'

0:49:290:49:32

If we keep on ploughing through there, we're going to take too long.

0:49:320:49:36

'Eventually, we head back to the path.

0:49:360:49:39

'At this rate, Max and his tracker team will be nearly on us.'

0:49:390:49:43

The path of least resistance for trackers is crucial

0:49:440:49:48

because there's no way, if you're in a hurry, you're going to go across this river on my right-hand side

0:49:480:49:54

or break through into all of this greenery here.

0:49:540:49:58

You'll stay on here and move as quickly as possible.

0:49:580:50:01

-Go straight on down here, then we get to the bottom and there's a right turn.

-Hang on.

0:50:010:50:07

-Why not cut across there and cut the corner off?

-James, let's keep going.

-There's nowhere to hide on the path.

0:50:070:50:13

We'll just have to go faster.

0:50:130:50:15

Right, we've found something really suspicious. Come on.

0:50:150:50:19

Right...

0:50:310:50:33

I thought I'd got them. This is somewhere where they could have hidden up, gone to lay up for days.

0:50:330:50:39

This is what the most dangerous criminals in the world will do.

0:50:390:50:43

If you built something like that, there's no way people will find you.

0:50:430:50:47

But no luck this time. Just keep looking.

0:50:470:50:50

'So the shack turns out to have been made not by two TV presenters,

0:50:500:50:54

'but by a common or garden escaped criminal psychopath. Phew!

0:50:540:50:58

'Anyhow, this diversion buys us a few precious seconds as we head to our next landmark.

0:50:580:51:04

'The cartographers among you will have realised that this large area of blue is a reservoir,

0:51:040:51:09

'but in order to get there, we face a fresh challenge - some locals.'

0:51:090:51:14

-WHISPERING:

-People, people, people.

0:51:150:51:18

Keep still.

0:51:260:51:28

FAINT CONVERSATION

0:51:310:51:33

That was a two-hour walk.

0:51:330:51:35

They're not going to be every weekend.

0:51:360:51:39

'They might look like harmless ramblers,

0:51:390:51:42

'but all it would take is a little torture from Max and they could crack.

0:51:420:51:47

'It's a risk we just can't take.'

0:51:470:51:49

-WHISPERING:

-We've got to go. We can't stay.

0:51:490:51:53

'Avoiding the public was tricky.

0:51:530:51:55

'As we came across the second road to cross, our camouflage skills were tested to the limit.'

0:51:550:52:01

-You can be seen a mile off.

-There's one old lady by a van. She's on the other side of the van.

0:52:010:52:06

She's not looking. We have to get... Car!

0:52:060:52:09

'My God, he's vanished(!)'

0:52:150:52:17

We've got to go, James. We've got to go.

0:52:290:52:32

'With the road cleared, we were at last on to our final major hurdle -

0:52:380:52:43

'the Burrator Reservoir with just over two miles to go before our rendezvous with Knuckles.'

0:52:430:52:49

The path of least resistance drops straight down to a reservoir.

0:52:510:52:55

When we get down here, just a little bit further on, I want absolutely hand signals only, yeah?

0:52:550:53:01

That's going to be... Unless they can swim, we've got them.

0:53:010:53:05

Yeah?

0:53:050:53:07

'But for once, there's something Max hasn't considered.'

0:53:070:53:11

-This is very interesting because none of this is marked along here. This is marked as "lake".

-Yeah.

0:53:110:53:17

Because of global warming and we've got such dry weather at the moment, all of this should be under water.

0:53:170:53:23

Look at this stuff here. This is roots going under the water. You can tell from the kind of vegetation.

0:53:230:53:29

All of this should be under water.

0:53:290:53:31

That means if the water level stays like that, the next time this map's updated, that line will change.

0:53:310:53:37

-But as far as the map's concerned, we're walking in the lake.

-And the trackers may not realise that.

0:53:370:53:44

'With Oz and I walking on what Max thinks is water, we make brisk progress along the north shore.

0:53:440:53:49

'But when we attempt to cut up from the lake and through the wood to the road, we nearly get collared.'

0:53:490:53:56

-Down, down. Duck! Stop!

-What?

0:53:560:53:58

-It's them. In the field. You see them coming up the road?

-Yes.

0:53:580:54:02

Right, down. OK, down.

0:54:020:54:04

Down here.

0:54:070:54:09

Come on, down here.

0:54:090:54:11

Oh, sorry. Oh!

0:54:500:54:53

'We may have avoided capture by the skin of our teeth,

0:54:530:54:57

-'but in the scramble to hide, I've knackered my knee quite badly.'

-Are you OK?

0:54:570:55:02

'And as we struggle on to a higher path in an attempt to slip past Max and his henchmen,

0:55:020:55:07

'I'm reduced to a crippled hobble.'

0:55:070:55:10

Keep going.

0:55:100:55:12

-Can you get down here?

-Yeah.

0:55:120:55:14

-Under here?

-Yeah.

0:55:160:55:18

-Down there. You see that track there?

-Yeah.

0:55:200:55:23

-Right round there.

-Yeah.

-Across there, mostly through woodland.

0:55:230:55:27

-Yeah.

-A little bit of open ground, then we're just there.

0:55:270:55:31

-You've just got to dash for it.

-750 metres.

0:55:310:55:34

'But 750 metres might be 750 too far.

0:55:340:55:39

'This is like a bad World War Two movie.'

0:55:390:55:42

We don't know how close they are, but they are close.

0:55:420:55:46

It's so simple from here. Go down this track. It's wooded all the way.

0:55:460:55:50

The helicopter won't see us. They won't see us. We just go down that track.

0:55:500:55:54

Honestly, I reckon 20 minutes and we're there. It'll take 20 minutes.

0:55:540:55:59

I can't do that.

0:55:590:56:01

-It's 20 minutes and we're there.

-Oz, I can't do that.

0:56:010:56:05

-I can't...

-Knuckles is waiting there. This is the last bit.

0:56:050:56:09

My knee's swollen like a kipper. I'm sorry, it was that bit in the bog.

0:56:090:56:13

I can't run. They're not going to be very far away. They'll just get me as soon as I break cover.

0:56:130:56:19

Hobbling across like an old man. You go.

0:56:190:56:23

-I'm not going to go...

-I'll go down there, the wrong way. I'll lie low for a bit. I'll come out at night.

0:56:230:56:29

-They won't find me down there. I can just hide in the bushes.

-Do you want a lift up?

0:56:290:56:34

-Agh! I'm sorry.

-This is terrible, James.

0:56:360:56:40

I'm not doing this now for television, a hammy acting thing.

0:56:440:56:48

I did put my foot in a hole and twisted my knee quite badly.

0:56:480:56:52

It goes to prove that Dartmoor is a very clever place to build a prison

0:56:520:56:56

because a lot of the people who escaped in the 19th century drowned in bogs, froze to death.

0:56:560:57:02

Quite a few of them went back to the prison and asked to be let back in.

0:57:020:57:07

But the fact remains that with a decent Ordnance Survey map

0:57:070:57:11

and this thing... You can get this from a camping shop for £4 or £5.

0:57:110:57:15

And your eyes and your common sense.

0:57:150:57:17

That will take you right across terrain so inhospitable

0:57:170:57:21

that in the 19th century, they built a prison on it.

0:57:210:57:25

I think we're close.

0:57:250:57:27

-Right, where's the other one?

-All right, all right.

0:57:280:57:32

-Where is he?

-You won't get him.

0:57:320:57:34

He's got the map.

0:57:340:57:36

# You know it's safer...

0:57:380:57:40

# Breakout! #

0:57:480:57:50

There you have it. Thanks to the good old Ordnance Survey and a few basic map-reading skills,

0:58:000:58:06

a bald man in ill-fitting overalls has got away. What better recommendation is there than that?

0:58:060:58:11

It now remains only for me to say goodbye from here, north 52 degrees, 26 minutes and 23 seconds,

0:58:110:58:17

west zero degrees, 13 minutes and 11 seconds.

0:58:170:58:20

Goodbye.

0:58:200:58:22

SINGING IN HARMONY # Doo-nah, doo-nah, doo-nah-doo

0:58:220:58:27

# Doo-nah, doo-nah, doo-nah

0:58:270:58:29

# Doo-nah, doo-nah, doo-nah-doo

0:58:290:58:32

# Doo-nah, doo-nah, doo-nah

0:58:320:58:35

# Doo-nah, doo-nah, doo-nah-doo

0:58:350:58:38

# Doo-nah, doo-nah, doo-nah

0:58:380:58:41

# Doo-nah, doo-nah, doo-nah-doo-oo

0:58:410:58:45

# Doo-nah, doo-nah

0:58:450:58:49

# Ma-a-a-an La-a-a-ab... #

0:58:490:58:54

James May returns for another action-packed series, as he continues his epic quest to re-skill the modern male.

A handcuffed James and Oz Clarke break out of Dartmoor prison and must navigate their way across the treacherous moors, with a team of trackers in hot pursuit and just an Ordnance Survey map and a compass to help them. James also builds a genuine slate-bed pool table, turns his hand to portrait painting and squares up to one of the most terrifying scenarios the modern male can face: how to remember people's names at a party.