Noel and Jemma Don't Tell the Bride

-Don't Tell The Bride celebrates weddings like no-one else.

-Congratulations.

-From New York...

-Ohh!

-..to Glasgow...

-Oh, my God!

-Las Vegas...

-Why would the man I love do this?

-..to Ibiza.

-I can't even plan a wedding for her.

-And one unforgettable roller-coaster ride.

-Why the hell are we at Thorpe Park on my wedding day?

And now we're back as 12 more unsuspecting brides prepare for the journey of a lifetime.

No freaking way!

The grooms get three weeks and £12,000.

-And the brides get no say in how it's spent.

-I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and I can't.

-So get ready to rock...

-I don't even want you at my wedding.

-..as the party reaches new heights...

-HE LAUGHS

..and sinks to new lows

with more fairy-tale endings than ever before.

Is this it? Is this all I get?

Tonight, prison officer Noel...

-We'll smash this!

-..plans the big day for his long-suffering bride to be.

It's the only day of my life I'm not covered in baby sick!

-While Jemma dreams of a picturesque local wedding...

-I just don't want it to be miles and miles away.

-..Noel's thinking further afield.

-The only time Jemma's had a surprise off me was when she got pregnant.

-So can a groom who wants to be romantic...

-Get me some toilet roll!

..but who struggles at every turn...

Have you got a door key? We're locked out of the house.

..satisfy a bride desperate to be treated like a princess?

We spent more on booze in one night than on the wedding dress.

-Can this hapless groom...

-1521.

-Your budget's gone.

-What?

-..give this hard-working bride...

-SCREAMS

It's hard.

-..the day of her dreams?

-Only another 1,000 miles to go!

-Or will his romantic Magaluf wedding...

-We're not out here for the drink.

-..be a foreign failure?

Can you see that it's not that bad?

No, I can see that it's pretty horrendous, in all honesty.

This programme contains some strong language.

Lancashire lovers Noel and Jemma didn't meet in a bar.

They met behind bars. The couple both work in the same prison.

What I love about Jemma

is her personality.

That's what you say when someone's mingin'.

Her bubbly personality. She's very bubbly.

And two years ago, these jailbirds became lovebirds on a prison night out.

I asked Jemma if she was going. Jemma said, "Are you going?" Then I said, "Only if you're going."

So it was like, yeah, like, "Ohhhh, yeah?"

# Bounce! #

He may be a tough guy at work, but at home Noel is just a big kid.

Noel's quite a mental, loud, in-your-face person.

I'm free and easy. I like to have a laugh. I don't take life seriously.

And Noel's bumbling behaviour leaves prison teacher Jemma to clean up after him.

-Jem!

-What?

-Have you seen my wallet?

He is really forgetful, unorganised.

He forgets where his wallet is, he forgets what days he's in work.

I do pretty much everything.

I don't think Noel's ever organised anything on his own.

Let me have a think. Hang on. There must be something.

Nope, can't think of a thing.

-You've not moved this wallet?

-I've no idea where it is. I'm fed up of you forgetting where things are!

I get quite a lot of stick saying, "How do you put up with him?"

Like I'm some kind of dog that's weed on the sofa!

But Noel isn't the only kid in the family. The couple are parents to 19-month-old Heidi.

'Heidi is absolutely fantastic. She's the funniest thing ever.'

But falling pregnant nine months into their relationship took its toll.

It was that kind of new bit in a relationship where it's meant to be all shiny and nice

when the reality was I was puking my guts up at, like, 12 weeks

and got fat.

That kind of cut short our time to be just me and you.

Trying to keep the romance alive, the couple jetted off for a break in the sun.

The only holiday we've ever had together, it was in Majorca,

and she was 12 weeks' pregnant, and it was morning sickness hell.

I couldn't eat anything. Everything just made me feel like vomiting.

On the beach, she was sick. I was digging holes to bury her sick.

"I'm going to be sick!" Digging a hole like a dog, "You can be sick in that," then covering it up.

So it was a bit of a bummer, really. We didn't... It wasn't really a holiday.

So the holiday was a disaster, but Noel could at least make up for it with a romantic proposal.

When you're a teenager, obviously, you think, "Oh, God, some day I'm going to be swept off my feet

-"by a lovely man..."

-You was.

-"..who wants to give me the world."

You asked me to marry you on a horrible, crappy day in Bolton whilst I was driving.

It's up there with one of the worst proposals in the world ever.

Yeah, despite his best efforts, romance just doesn't come easily to no-frills Noel.

No, you're not very romantic, are you?

There's no grand gesture. If we're going for a walk in the park,

we'll be holding hands one minute, then he'll be up a tree the next.

Will you do me a favour? Will you help me down?

I'm not romantic in the slightest, which is rather worrying.

But for her wedding day, Jemma hopes to be finally swept off her feet.

I literally do everything, and you think, for one day,

I want him to show me that he can be romantic.

If it was like in a stately home, on a lawn, having Pimm's and my friends being there,

it's more important than anything.

-And Noel is desperate to do just that with his own brand of romance.

-Will you get me some toilet roll?

When me and Jem went on our first holiday, it was absolutely rubbish, so I want to get married in Magaluf.

Jemma has no idea of his plan.

Can Noel prove he can organise a grown-up wedding without her?

-Agh!

-'This is the biggest gamble ever.'

It's like wedding Jenga. If you pull the wrong block out, it'll collapse.

-Don't let me down.

-I can't promise anything, but I'll do my best.

-LAUGHTER

-So are you going to be good? Will you do me proud?

-I'll do you proud.

It's time for Jemma to pack her bags.

It will be the first time in their relationship that Noel has organised anything.

-I love you.

-I love you more than anything.

-Hello!

-I will try my best.

-And everything will be all right in the end with a bit of luck.

-Noel...

-LAUGHTER

Don't say this to me.

-It's not what I want to hear, but thanks.

-You're welcome.

-Are we going?

-No.

-No...

-We have to go, babe.

With no contact for three weeks, the next time they see each other

will be on the most important day of their lives.

Be good.

See you later on, baby.

-I love you. Bye.

-Bye-bye.

-HORN TOOTS

-Let the fun commence!

-HE LAUGHS

Have you got a door key?

Oh, shine the light! She's got the only door key and she's shut the door, hasn't she?

What's all that about?

Oh, no!

A struggle with the front door doesn't bode well for a man trusted with a whole wedding.

-I can't get in. We're locked out of the house.

-Time for an SOS call to the best man.

You've got to go for the key.

Yeah? We'll just go and get drunk. We don't need a house.

You know what? She might have left the back door open.

I cannot believe this. In the rain as well.

A-ha!

She's gone now for three weeks. I locked myself out the house. That's taking care of yourself, innit?

How do you do that?

Oblivious to Noel's front door faux pas and with a sleepy Heidi in tow,

Jemma has arrived at her sister Sam's where she'll spend the next three weeks.

-Hello. Can I come in?

-Of course you can.

With Noel in charge of the whole wedding, Sam is worried how her sister will cope.

Do you feel a bit like you wish you hadn't done it now? I feel a bit like I wish you hadn't done it!

No, because I just...

I feel... I want him to show me that he can plan stuff

because I literally do everything down to the last detail and it's quite tiresome.

I hope he doesn't let you down.

So do I. Aaaagh!

To help Noel prove he can plan Jemma's big day,

fellow prison officer and best man Mike arrives to offer support, guidance and vodka.

-Absolutely mental.

-What's the plan?

-We are going to live the dream.

-A big three weeks.

-First, mate...

-Go on.

-I've got to tell you what we're doing. Wait there.

-It worries me when you say things like that.

# Agadoo doo doo

# Push pineapple, shake the tree Agadoo doo doo

# Push pineapple, grind coffee... #

LAUGHTER

All right, that's enough. I don't love you that much.

Three weeks is quite a long time to sort everything out.

I know it's not, but it is, as long as we get on it.

-Did God make the world in a week?

-He did it in a day, didn't he?

He did it pretty quick.

The next morning, Noel is praying for a miracle of his own...

The time is to sort this out.

..as he starts planning his big, romantic Magaluf wedding...

Ready? That's what we're doing.

-..all over Jemma's walls.

-We're going to Magaluf.

So we'll need jet skis, Speedos. We'll need them.

Think of everything else you need. Bride...

Oh, no, I've spelt that wrong!

LAUGHTER How can you spell "bride" wrong?

-There we go.

-I know you've been there on holiday, but that kind of image Magaluf's got,

what is Jemma going to think about having her special day in Magaluf?

I think she'll love it because it's like a holiday, but nice.

-We'll make it nice with nice things like flowers and things.

-Simple.

Sounds easy when you say it like that. Get all these people over to Magaluf, get married, done!

The more I think about this, the more I think we'll smash this!

The boys' first job - booking flights for 24 friends and family

to fly out to Magaluf in three weeks' time.

Seven thousand pounds?!

-For flights.

-That gives you five grand for your wedding.

Hotels as well.

And with the click of a mouse, Noel spends over half his budget on flights for his guests.

But the boys still need to get their own flights to Magaluf to find a venue.

-347, flight only?

-What?

-£817 total?

-Hang on, what's this? Stop, non-stop?

-One stop.

-One stop.

-Hamburg...

-What?

-And then Zurich.

That's 16 hours' flying from Magaluf!

No, it's not. No, it's...

Oh, it is!

-Yeah.

-15 hours?!

-MIKE LAUGHS

-15 hours?

Mate, you may as well drive it.

Caution, wind...

-I'm up for it!

-Road trip!

LAUGHTER

So, to save money, they decide to drive the 3,000-mile round trip to Magaluf.

When you look at it like that, you're thinking, "You've got to drive 3,000 miles."

Bonkers! That's all that springs to mind. Absolute bonkers.

We'll get there.

Let's hope so. They've given themselves just four days in Magaluf

to find a wedding venue, a reception venue, catering and accommodation.

We've got to set off from here, straight to Dover, across to Calais,

straight through past Amiens, past...into Paris,

then we're going to go to Perpignan, I think it's pronounced...

If they ever make it out of Wigan!

How the frig do we fold this back up?

Mate, they're impossible. No, that doesn't fold that way.

Sure. Oh, shit!

Hang on a minute, watch this here. I'm on it. Look, watch, I'm on it.

If I do this now, how much are you going to give me?

Ohh! "They're impossible to do." Do you know what this means?

-We're going to smash this!

-Costing us time here. Get in.

-Anyway, go!

The job is a good one.

-Have I got my wallet? Have I got my wallet?

-I've got mine.

You must have your wallet.

-I told you it'd be in there.

-Oh, shine the light! The wallet.

Sorted.

-Magaluf!

-Magaluf!

Eventually, the boys set off on an epic road trip,

all to save a few hundred quid.

You're scrimping and saving to make Jemma's day even more special.

To make my little princess's day the best I can possibly make it.

Totally unaware of Noel's Magaluf marathon,

Jemma's bridesmaids are taking her on a girly night out to unwind.

You're the bravest person I know to let Noel do this for you.

You must really, really love him! LAUGHTER

It's not a matter of... I do really love him, obviously. Otherwise...

But I think it's more of an experiment.

It is, though, because I want him to show me that he can plan things for once in his life.

Although he is a bit..."whoo",

he's lovely

and I don't think that he'd do anything...bad or nasty.

LAUGHTER

If I knew that Noel was organising my wedding, I would be petrified.

Only because he is off his head.

She should be ready for the unexpected.

-Welcome to...

-France.

-Bonjour!

And after 12 hours, the boys have made it...to Paris.

-If I did this...

-I'd even consider it if you asked me here.

Hey, don't tell the bride I've just married the best man!

Finally, 45 hours, 1,500 miles and several litres of caffeine later,

they arrive in Magaluf on the Spanish island of Majorca.

This car smells funky.

Totting up the cost of petrol, tolls and ferries,

it's time to see just how much of the budget they've saved.

-It's cost us £400 more.

-MIKE LAUGHS

Listen, we've got to book all the hotels for the folk who...

-We've not got one for tonight, never mind for the wedding guests.

-We're sleeping in the car.

-We'll sleep in the car for a week.

-Nice one. I'm up for that.

Back in Wigan, Jemma has come to see her dream reception venue,

along with sister Sam and bridesmaid Bec.

18th century Haigh Hall is stylish, elegant and only ten minutes from home.

Wow!

-Can you imagine walking down here?

-Imagine you and Noel stood there getting your pictures taken!

-This just epitomises...

-Your perfect day, everything that you want.

-Yeah.

With its grand rooms and classic decor,

it's got that touch of sophistication that Jemma dreams of.

-Oh!

-Oh, my word!

Oh, look, it's all... Aw!

It's really romantic and girly, just perfect.

All new and sparkly, "weddingy".

And this classic English venue is exactly what Jemma wants.

If you think now how peaceful it is...

It feels almost hidden out of the way, so quite personal, even though it's quite a grand building.

If you got married here, you'd feel you weren't being watched by anyone.

It's just you and your family and friends together in just a really peaceful, quiet setting.

So Jemma's thinking peace and quiet...

But Noel's got his heart set on the Magaluf strip,

Majorca's party central for boozed-up Brits abroad.

He is starting the search for the perfect venue where he and Jemma had their disastrous holiday -

smack bang in the heart of Magaluf, Lineker's Sports Bar.

-I wonder if you could help us?

-Sure.

-We're looking for a venue for a wedding.

-Could we have a look round this place?

-Yeah, that's a great idea.

With its giant screens and English pub decor,

it's a million miles away from Gemma's dream of a grand country house.

1,500 miles away to be precise!

Look at it here. I tell you what, mate.

No, no, no. There's a pole as well.

-Oh, no...

-Hmm, not really feeling the romance!

No chance of my doing that again. I just took all the skin off my leg.

Pulled all my little hairs out. They hurt even more than big ones. It's just when I see a pole...

You want it sophisticated, quiet, elegant...

-It's just kind of so close to home, but doesn't feel it.

-No.

-That's what you want, isn't it?

I think it is important for all the friends and family to be there, otherwise it's a bit rubbish.

I just don't like the idea of it being miles and miles away,

-so it would make sense for it to be...

-To be here.

-Hmm.

But would it make sense to Noel?

-We've got a DJ.

-Yeah.

-We've got toilets.

And look at that down there. That's awesome, isn't it?

-Let's hope Jemma agrees.

-This really does tick every single box.

-There's no part where you think, "A little bit dodgy."

-No.

Just everything.

If I could give Noel some advice, I would say, "Be really careful about what you're doing

"because it could potentially go very, very wrong for you."

We'll see.

Can I just say one thing? We absolutely love the venue. We really, really, really want it.

-2,000 euros, OK.

-Definitely?

That's 1,700 quid for a reception in a sports bar in Magaluf.

A wedding, we've booked a wedding... A wedding venue.

I've never surprised Jemma with anything romantic.

The only time Jemma had a surprise off me was when she got pregnant.

And now the second one is she's getting married in Lineker's Bar.

The job's a good 'un. It'll be absolutely mental.

And Noel's not finished there. He has spotted the ideal catering solution right across the street -

Daiquiri Palace.

That distance is nothing.

Gemma wants traditional. Well, this place has been selling kebabs in Magaluf for over 25 years!

Would we order, like, 20 pizzas or 20 burgers, or how would we do that?

We can do pizzas on 23-inch trays.

You do three of them, all different toppings, cut into pieces, so everyone can help themselves,

then you can get maybe ten burgers, ten chicken burgers, chicken wings, onion rings.

Kind of a buffet, but not a buffet.

Sounds good, sounds good.

-Does it?

-Nice one. Thanks very much.

And at just 150 quid, it's a done deal on a burger, kebab and onion ring buffet for Jemma and 24 guests.

-That'll be the best buffet ever.

-Exactly.

Thinking outside the box, innit? No-one else would have thought of getting them to do the catering.

I can't think why! So this time around, Noel has planned a very different trip to Magaluf.

Let's hope Jemma can see the romantic side.

And back in Wigan, being apart from Noel is starting to take its toll on Jemma.

It's just hard. We've had, um...

a couple of nights away from each other, but this is kind of the hard...the longest.

-SOBBING

-Yeah, it is hard.

Just because I suppose he's my best friend really

and I think he's that one person you can go to and say anything.

He means everything to me.

I just think if I can just get on and get to the end of it

and hopefully, he's... it'll be worth it.

I just hope he's not having too much fun without me.

Noel having fun? In Magaluf? Never(!)

We're not even out here for the drink!

The drink is the last thing on our minds.

We're doing it because I love Jem.

I love Jem to death.

Aw, look, he's lovesick(!)

And saving precious cash to spend on his sweetheart, it's bedtime in their cut-price hotel.

Jemma's set her heart on a local wedding surrounded by her loved ones,

so she's visiting the family church with mum Maureen and sister Sam.

-That brings back so many nice memories, that, doesn't it?

-Little Heidi waving.

It's the church where daughter Heidi was christened,

something that Jemma hopes Noel bears in mind for the big day.

I just think it would be really nice to be able to tell Heidi that your mum and dad got married here

and that's where you got christened.

If he sent me 100 miles away, it'd just be a bit like, "Why would you do that?"

I just think it should be somewhere local, everyone can just come,

no pressure for them to stay anywhere and spend a fortune at the end of the day.

But Noel's not 100 miles away.

He's 1,500 miles away,

heading off in his hotel in search of a romantic beach venue for the ceremony.

Noel plans to have a blessing outdoors before the reception at Lineker's.

The marriage will then need to be legalised at a licensed venue back in the UK.

-We're going to go to Cala Vinyes.

-Where's that?

-I don't know. It just sounded nice. To find a beach spot

to do our blessing on.

It's got to be dead romantic and nice.

And nothing says romance like a soggy, wet beach.

Oh, yes, look at that. Look at that!

The boys travelled hundreds of miles for guaranteed sunshine,

but even the rain can't dampen Noel's enthusiasm.

Imagine this with sun, mate! This is perfect, mate. I am worried about the rain and it being outside.

-This is what time we would be having it, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-And pictures here like this, look.

With the island in the background.

If we didn't come here, I'd be a bit like, "OK, what's he picked?"

I would hope he would know me well enough to know that I like peace and quiet,

I like a nice, chilled atmosphere which you don't get often with Noel.

I don't know what she'd be expecting as a wedding day at all, but it's ace, innit?

We've found a wedding venue. We'll actually be married here.

Job well done.

So Jemma won't be getting married in the local church surrounded by all her loved ones.

She'll be miles from home with 24 guests.

And if that's not romantic enough, straight after, she's off to Lineker's for a kebab.

-I hope it's sunny.

-I hope it is, mate.

Oh, my God...

Unaware of Noel's plan, working mum Jemma has brought mum Maureen, sister Sam

and her bridesmaids to find her dream dress fit for her special day.

You don't want a huge skirt. Or do you?

-I think I do want the big...

-Really?

-Who doesn't? I want to feel like a princess.

It's the only day of my life that I'm not covered in baby sick and baby poo,

so, yeah, of course, I want to feel absolutely amazing.

He's going to prove us wrong, isn't he?

I just want him to take control of some element of our life,

so what better way than to plan the biggest day of my life?

Just think, if he does pull it off,

I'll be like, "You can plan more things and take more control of your life.

"Start making your own sandwiches."

If he doesn't pull it off, then...

He'll never live it down, will he? Ever.

Back on the island, Noel's looking for the perfect wedding dress for Jemma.

That is 50% off.

Look, feel how light that is.

Noel has given it some thought and come up with a practical solution for a Magaluf wedding.

I know, if Jemma's stuck in a wedding dress

in the blazing sun in Spain, red-hot, she will be peed off.

This is for what we're doing, a wedding over in Spain, not over in England.

While Noel wants practical,

over in England, Jemma has found the traditional princess dress of her dreams.

It's absolutely stunning, Jemma.

-Is it?

-Yeah, it's stunning.

Look at my mum crying.

-It's really flattering. It's lovely.

-It's beautiful on you. Stunning.

It just feels perfect. It's like a little princessy dress.

He's got to buy you something like that.

I just think anything that's not like this now, I'm just going to be really disappointed.

I just hope that he finds something as suitable as that because she looks absolutely stunning.

And I'd be...devastated.

I would.

Don't cry.

That'll look all right. It'll look nice. It'll look nice.

It looks nice anyway, but it'll look more "wedding nice", as in, "Nice, let's go to the beach."

That's what we're doing, yeah? So that is what you would wear. This seems to be the one.

He may be thinking practically, but Noel's skimpy sun dress is worlds away

from the glamorous princess number that Jemma has her heart set on.

On the bright side, at 49 euros, just 40 quid, it's good for the budget.

Ciao! I've just realised we spent more on booze in one night than we just did on the wedding dress.

It's the thought that counts and this took a lot of thinking about.

Week two and Noel and best man Mike are back in Britain to pick up some wedding essentials.

That's nice, that, innit? Will that last forever?

-How much is that? 99?

-Yeah.

-Thank you very much.

Good, that, innit?

-Another job done.

-They also need to confirm a venue in Wigan to make the marriage legal after the blessing.

And he's chosen another pub.

So this is the lunch room.

-I think it looks dead nice.

-She'll love it.

-It's 150 to have the ceremony here.

-Deal.

-Deal.

Back at home, the boys finally find time to add up the budget.

-100, 1521...

-And your budget's gone.

-What?

You've got 25 quid left.

He's blown the budget in just two weeks and with hotels and bridesmaids' dresses to pay for...

-Hello, Grandma?

-..Noel is forced to pick up the phone and start begging.

Would it be possible to, er...

get £500 off you?

Thank you, Grandma. Love you. ..I think she thinks I've cocked up.

The budget is not good reading.

-Brian, I need something off you, big time. 800 quid.

-'He lacks planning skills, definitely.'

Sometimes you need to do planning. Budget's one of them. You need to keep a tight grip on it.

Thanks. Bye. Know what he's just said? "I can have it with you in the next hour."

I'll be glad when we've got all the money off them people.

With almost two grand borrowed from friends and family,

now in the very safe hands of Mike and Noel, it's disaster averted. For now, anyway.

It's time to find the bridesmaids' dresses, but Noel's heading to an unlikely place - Wigan market.

That's only £13.

These are what we need.

16 quid.

He's found a store that sells dresses, maybe not for bridesmaids,

-but ones that suit his budget.

-SCREAMS

-- Where are we going?

-To the market.

-- The market? Seriously?

-Seriously.

-You don't get bridesmaid dresses from the market!

Listen, a lot of places sell dresses.

Unbeknownst to us, the market is one.

Everyone take a deep breath.

Right.

Right. Listen to me. Stop here a minute.

You lot stay there. An opinion.

Shut...your face!

-Genuinely?

-Are you taking the piss? Do you want to make me cry?

Genuinely. Look, look. Look at that.

When you have that on, you'll look like a million dollars.

-We will not be seen dead in that.

-Why?

-Why?!

-Stay there.

-I think I will actually kill him before we've left the shop. The market stall shop.

Right, look.

-Oh, my God!

-Hang on a minute! Them ain't bad, them. Them are nice.

-They're bridesmaid's dresses.

-It's hideous. It's not a bridesmaid's dress, is it?

It's...it's...it's a dress...

to be worn by bridesmaids.

That looks nice.

It ain't short. It's good, that. Come here. With heels on, a pair of heels...

That's nice. Genuinely, that's nice. That's a nice dress. Trust me.

With the girls close to mutiny, bridesmaids Bec and Liz won't even try on Noel's choice of dress.

I think I just need to opt out. It won't fit me. It's make me look massive.

The thing is, you think that would make you look fat. It wouldn't.

Genuinely.

-You're definitely having these?

-Yes.

-'They're not bridesmaids' dresses.'

I wanted to be a bridesmaid for her because she was my bridesmaid.

But Jemma's going to hate it. It's a joke.

Undeterred, Noel spends £90 on seven dresses.

-It's been an absolute pleasure. Come here. Thanks.

-Have a nice day.

I just hope he's paid more attention to her dress.

If he's all togged out in Armani and we all look like tramps,

there will be hell to pay. We'll have a seven-strong army ready to absolutely kill him.

The next morning, with the bridesmaids still unhappy,

Sam's left to deliver some bad news to a worried Jemma.

-Why are you looking like that?

-Because I wanted to talk to you...

about getting your permission to speak to Noel.

OK... Will you just spit it out? Cos you're annoying me now. Go on.

-What?

-OK, so we went bridesmaid dress shopping.

As it stands at the minute, with what Noel's chosen, you've lost your bridesmaids.

-What do you mean?

-Two of them won't wear the dresses he's picked.

Is it that bad?

-Wigan market.

-Are you having a laugh?!

-What stalls at Wigan market sell bridesmaid dresses?!

-None.

-I feel like he's let you down.

-I want you to tell him how annoyed I am.

'She's going to have to ring him and if he says no,'

that's his choice, isn't it?

I never thought I would say that. I didn't think for a minute

that he'd make them look stupid, or me, but obviously I was wrong.

Sam heads round to confront an unsuspecting Noel.

-Right, this is the situation I've got going on here.

-Go on. Speak forth.

Jemma's lost two bridesmaids as it stands. Bec and Liz are not going to wear those dresses.

-If I said to you I've got some money and want to buy another dress...

-It would be a waste of money.

-Don't do it. You don't need to do that.

-But you can understand how we are feeling a little bit worried

that if we look like that, what the hell will she look like?

You've just got to trust me. Genuinely, just got to trust me.

What I'm thinking is... Jemma's trusted you, so fair dos.

I will personally wear whatever you tell us to wear.

If you make a prat of us all on the day, fair enough, as long as Jem looks amazing.

I would never make Jemma look like an idiot. She will look stunning.

That's all that matters. OK.

Everything that's going on, you don't need to worry about it. It's all in hand. My hands.

See you later on, cock. ..Oh, shit.

Sam's visit has got Noel worried, not about the bridesmaids, but the £40 dress he picked for his bride.

Jem will not be getting married unless she's got another dress. That's how serious it's got to.

I can not send Jem... She'll look fit, but I can't send Jem down in this dress.

Look at the state of it.

Considering, right... I cannot send Jem down the aisle in that.

I could, cos she'll look fit in it, but...we can't send her down in that.

So if we could get a dress over there for, like, 250 quid.

It's the end of week two and fun-loving Noel is beginning to see the serious side

of organising the whole wedding without Jemma.

I hope that she thinks that I've thought about things because I have.

And I hope she doesn't think that I've just took the piss.

I'm hoping that she loves it and finds romance in it to reflect how much I love her.

Four days before the wedding. Noel and Mike have come up with a plan

to get unsuspecting Jemma and her hen party out to Majorca.

Da da dah!

'Hiya, girls. Just a quick message.'

-Aaaah!

-'We've been really busy organising the wedding. We're run ragged.

'I'm absolutely cream crackered, living on coffee and junk food.

'Halfway through shopping today, we realised we hadn't sorted your hen do out.

'So we've had to do it all last minute. I'm very sorry to tell you, but you're going to...

'Majorca! Majorca! # You're going to Majorca! #

'Right, listen, ladies. Come here. I know that you girls deserve a very, very good hen do.

'Especially you, Jemma, cos you're gorgeous. So we're sending you off to lovely Majorca.

'So have a really, really good time and I love you, Jem.'

Noel's romantic idea is to fly the girls out for a hen do,

then instead of coming home the next day he'll surprise Jemma with her Magaluf wedding.

That's brilliant. # We're going to Majorca! #

The boys are back on the island and Noel's checking on his peaceful, romantic beach wedding venue.

Shit. It is packed.

-But this time the sun's shining.

-This is a bit manic.

Oh, shit. When we were here it was absolutely dead.

-And it's not just the sun that's out.

-We've gone from a romantic gesture and nobody on a beach

to a beach packed full of women with their bras off.

-Where the frig would you get married on here? There's no room.

-Nope.

How do you think Jem's going to feel with everyone sunbathing topless

-and she's got a wedding dress on?

-Embarrassed.

But...we've got a lot of kids here as well.

It's not a problem, is it?

Well, it's...it's not really a problem, it's just that... we have no option.

We'll just have to do it, won't we?

-We're in Majorca!

-10 miles away, the hens have arrived in Palma, the posh end of Majorca.

How hot is it? Whoo!

-It's not falling down.

-No, he's doing all right.

All we need is a pool and alcohol.

They have no idea Noel and Mike are also on the island as the boys make a call.

Here goes.

Who is it?

- Hiya. You all right? - Very well.

We've managed to sort out a bar where you can have cocktails, dancing, some food and stuff.

And Noel's generously said the first 120 euros of alcohol is free.

120 euros, girls.

That's 100 quid to keep the hens busy in Palma.

And having flown his own mates out on an earlier flight,

it's time for Noel's stag do in Magaluf.

DRUNKEN KARAOKE SINGING

-#

-..to your arms again.

-#

Down the coast, Jemma's hen is in full swing. Little does she know,

in less than 40 hours she's getting married across the island in lairy Magaluf.

Oh, we've had a lovely night.

The original three.

The next morning, still expecting a UK wedding, the girls think they're flying home,

but Noel has arranged for Jemma, Sam and mum to be whisked off to a secret location in Palma.

Oh, nice. It's a dress shop.

Why are we here?

-I hope it's not for the reasons I'm thinking.

-If it's to go dress shopping,

I'm presuming that Noel doesn't want me in a bridal dress as this shop is not appropriate...

-But why would you buy a dress here? I don't get it.

-I don't know. I want to go in and find out.

Yeah.

-Hiya.

-Hi.

-Yes. I have an envelope for you.

-Oh, that's written by Noel.

His scruffy handwriting. I don't even want to read it.

-Do you want me to read it for you?

-Oh, my God.

"Hi, Jemma. I hope you are OK.

"This is just a little not to let you know that you're getting married tomorrow in Majorca."

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God, Jem. - What about Heidi and the girls?

-Tell me they're here.

-Oh...

I would like to think so.

I just want Heidi. I want to know Heidi's coming.

-Oh, Noel.

-That's not the only surprise for Jemma.

She's about to see the dress she'll be getting married in.

-Jemma, I have your wedding dress.

-OK.

-Come through.

-Oh, my God. Really.

-Good luck.

Oh...

I'm really scared.

I'm really nervous.

Oh, my God.

Fortunately, Noel changed his mind on the 40 quid beach dress he first chose.

Wow.

It might not be the cheap cotton frock he originally chose,

but it's still a million miles away from the dress Jemma dreamed of.

- Looking round the shop... - They're beautiful dresses.

But cocktail dresses.

We're not going on a cruise, are we?

We don't think so!

I just hope he's not made a show of her.

We've just got to go with it now, haven't we?

Does it fit? I don't know. Is it really bad?

No, it's pretty. It is pretty. The style of it.

Oh, my God.

I don't know, you know.

No.

I don't like it.

-I no like.

-No like!

-No like.

Putting on a brave face and with no other option, Jemma agrees to wear the dress.

You've got to wear it. You said that you would.

-But...

-If he thinks I look nice in it, then...

-Well, that's it, isn't it?

It's the morning of the wedding and in Palma, Jemma, Sam and mum Maureen

-are totally in the dark about Noel's wedding plans.

-I just feel really nervous now.

-I know. I bet you do.

-I feel nervous for you.

-I'm just trying to imagine what it will be,

but just because it has been such a shock up to now anyway, I don't want to second guess anything.

Across the island, Noel's getting ready for the big day.

-It's five to 12. You get married in four hours.

-Four o'clock?

-Yeah.

-We've got to be there at, like, three.

-Right.

-We've got to get all the family there as well.

-Do you know the name of it?

-Cos...ta...crinciano...?

-We'll find that out!

-Yeah!

-It's time for Jemma's first look at Noel's Wigan market dress.

-OK...

-It's not a bridesmaid dress. I'm thinking...

-Prostitute!

I don't think it's that bad.

It's not a bridesmaid dress.

-Don't laugh!

-Thanks! Make me feel really nice(!)

Right, enough!

Against the odds, Jemma seems OK with her bargain basement bridesmaids,

but will she be so forgiving in five hours' time when she arrives at the busiest sports bar in Magaluf?

The job is a good one. Yeah, man.

They managed to cover everything up with white to make it more... more venue-y,

as opposed to football hooliganism.

So it's good. It's all good.

Jemma's wearing her replacement dress.

-I feel all right.

-And a brave smile.

-But there's still no word from Noel.

-Hello?

Hello!

I don't want the organ grinder, I want the monkey.

-It's Sam.

-Hello?

Are we having a wedding today? Cos we don't know. We've no details.

-We're stood here, dressed, ready.

-Listen, Sam, order a taxi.

-Get in a taxi?!

No...

-You as the bride of honour needs to order a taxi to Magaluf beach.

-I thought you were planning it(!)

Sam, jump in a taxi and get it to Magaluf beach.

ASAP. Now, now.

-I love you. See you in a minute.

-Yeah, you will love me. ..He loves me.

-Right, go.

-Here we go!

As Jemma's cab heads along the strip, she couldn't be further from the peaceful wedding she wanted.

This is possibly the only place I've ever been with Noel,

so I'm thinking his nostalgia or whatnot... This is the dodgiest street in Magaluf!

Hmm. Nice(!)

And still with no instructions from Noel, the girls wander the packed beach in search of the wedding.

-CHEERS AND WHISTLES

-Thank you! I can't see Noel

or any kind of wedding party. We're totally at the end of the beach.

-Oh, my God!

-I can't see anything.

-Right in front of you.

-Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Noel has arranged a Magaluf jet boat to speed them round to the beach wedding.

Are you actually kidding me?

Why is he doing this?

Round the bay, the guests are arriving as prison guard Noel tries to lock down space on the beach.

Excuse me, peeps. We've booked it for the wedding. Nice one. Thanks very much.

If I was a bride in my wedding dress, I'd love nothing more than them people looking at me(!)

No, I would. Big, hairy, fat men sunbathing does it for me.

# Somewhere beyond... #

Hurtling towards the ceremony, Magaluf-style, are Sam, Maureen and a pretty terrified Jemma.

# If I could fly like birds on high Then straight to her arms... #

Jem, look!

Jem, they're all waving to you.

CHEERING

- You're getting married. - Here we go.

-Hey, yeah, she's good.

-With a little help from some scantily-clad ushers,

Jemma makes it to dry land.

Oh, her dress is gorgeous!

It's taken Noel three weeks and thousands of miles

to plan this romantic beach blessing for his sweetheart, Jemma.

How was your ride?

Good job they're fake!

-You look gorgeous.

-Love you.

We gather here today to celebrate the wedding of Jemma and Noel.

-I, Jemma...

-I, Jemma...

-..take you, Noel...

-..take you, Noel...

-..to be my husband...

-..to be my husband...

..my constant friend and my faithful partner... SHE REPEATS

-..and my love from this day forwards.

-..and my love from this day forwards.

-I, Noel...

-I, Noel...

..take you, Jemma, to be my wife... HE REPEATS

-..and my love from this day forwards.

-..and my love from this day forwards.

In the presence of these, your family and friends, we observe joyfully that you declared yourself

to be husband and wife.

Noel, you may now kiss the bride.

Oh, don't tell me!

-I love you.

-I love you.

When me and Mike did the survey, there was nobody on it.

-But it wasn't that sunny. When we came back, you couldn't move!

-I quite liked this.

I think that's really nice. It's romantic.

-I thought it was romantic.

-Romantic?

-Yeah.

That's what we were going for.

It's been lovely.

But the surprises aren't over yet. Jemma's about to see Noel's choice of reception venue.

-It's nice. It feels like being famous for a day.

-So what do you think?

-What do I think...about what?

-About your venue.

Wow!

Really? Oh, Noel...!

We've got the full Lineker's to ourselves

-with the DJ, the bar and a pole.

-Why are you doing this?

-Because the thing is...

-What are people eating?

-Eating?

-That's all I care about.

-If you look across the road to that shop there...

-Fuck off.

-Don't lie to me.

-What we're doing... No, listen.

Before you have an opinion, me and Mike have ate there for the last two weeks and it's gorgeous.

-Can I just say, small point, I don't like burgers?

-They don't get burgers there.

-Oh, right, OK.

-They do everything. Chicken salads, everything.

-Then that's fine(!)

-Everything.

-Really?

Jem, you dance, you have a laugh, you have a great time and you have food, right?

-But the buffets are always crap.

-The best thing for you to do is ssh and get me a drink.

If this is my wedding evening, I need to get really pissed.

Romantic Noel hoped to make up for past disappointments with a dream wedding,

but Jemma's just reliving a Magaluf nightmare.

-What has organising this sorted out?

-Not very much.

-But can you see it's not that bad?

-No, I can see that it's pretty horrendous, in all honesty.

-You're joking!

-But... I'm just so happy to see you that I don't want to ruin this day.

There's no music on, there's nobody here, it's a bit dead and it looks a bit vast.

When the family get here and music and it livens up, I know she'll love it. I hope she loves it, anyway.

Jemma may not have her peaceful local wedding,

but with friends and family arriving she's making the most of Noel's Magaluf party.

Heidi just said... What did you say?

-"I need to dance."

-Dance.

-You do. And so do we.

It seems Jemma's warming to Noel's romantic gesture.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Jemma and her guests even get stuck into Noel's wedding cuisine.

-Are we having the biggest kebab we've ever had?

-That's what I think.

This is the best wedding food I've ever had. You can just come and have what you want when you want.

And the food is gorgeous. Proper nice.

-I'd just like to thank everybody that has come out here... Are you happy as well?

-Yes.

Now everybody knows, well, they don't really know what me and Mike have done... You all right?

It's been fantastic. I hope everybody's enjoyed it.

I've had everybody in mind whilst I've been doing this.

Jem, you look absolutely gorgeous. And I love you more than anything.

CHEERING

I love it. I love everything he's done. It was never, never expected.

I'm so proud of him because he's pulled it off

and he's done... He's made it amazing.

MIKE: It has been a massive moment. I think we tied it all together,

me and Noel. A pair of lunatics, really.

My day today has been... the most amazing day in the world.

Because I'm married to you and everybody said just how relaxed it's been,

-which was everything I wanted from the day.

-It's not ended yet.

Because on Sunday we're having another reception back in England.

Are you lying?

-Are you lying?

-No one knows it yet.

-With everybody there.

-Are you lying?

-I love you so much.

-I love you more.

And 40 hours later, back in Wigan, Noel and Jemma were legally married.

It now gives me very great pleasure to declare that you are husband and wife together.

Would you like to kiss the bride?

-Next time:

-Ready to rumble!

-A full-on fight to the finish.

Yeah!

As a bride who dreams of a traditional girly wedding

gives up her big day to a man with a passion for wrestling.

-Can this groom...

-About nine? We're under so much more pressure now.

-..give his bride a knockout wedding?

-You're dragging it!

-I'm not!

Or will it all end up on the ropes?

Come on, traffic! God sakes!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd