Jack & James Don't Tell the Bride

-Has anybody got confetti?

-Yes!

-Come on, then.

Every girl likes to take control of her wedding.

So what happens when she has no say on her big day?

Oh, they're awful!

We're not doing it.

Don't Tell The Bride is back.

This is ridiculous.

As ever, the grooms are in charge.

I want there to be a donkey at the wedding.

I'm going to look lovely on our big day.

But with £12,000 to spend

and just three weeks to throw the wedding of their dreams...

Tell him I love him! SCREAMING

..have the boys pushed themselves too far?

-Oh, my God!

-You're fired!

With more shocking,

more outrageous

and more daredevil weddings than ever before,

will there be a happy ever after?

-This is not the thing you get wrong the day before your wedding.

-Will true love save the day?

Mum, what is that? Mum, what is that?

Or is it a countdown to disaster?

Three, two, one! SCREAMING FADES OUT

Tonight...

Girls do that, gays don't do that.

Former drama student, Jack,

Oh, my God!

..is hoping to impress his husband to be, James...

This needs to look nice, otherwise James will just think we're idiots.

..by putting on the performance of a lifetime.

Scene one, in there, we need Lysander.

But with James's sights set on a traditional wedding...

-Just a little bit scared now.

-SCREAMING

What happens when our groom, turned theatre director...

Oh...

..takes on a literary classic...

Midsummer Night's Dream.

I want there to be an actual, real-life donkey.

THEY LAUGH

..and a wedding?

Having the play as well as the wedding, that is way too much.

Will it be A Midsummer Night's Dream?

-Yeah!

-Ha!

Or a Shakespearean tragedy?

-What the hell is going on?

-Stop.

26-year-old Jack

is marrying the love of his life, 24-year-old James.

JACK SINGS: # It takes two, baby

# Me and you! #

Jack and James live in Essex and have been together for four years.

When I first saw him I was just like, "Oh, he's all right."

And when you like, you stalk them on Facebook obviously,

that's what you do and then you go, you're just like, "Oh, actually, he's fun!"

James is very, very caring and he does do a lot for me.

Having been to drama school, Jack has a passion for the theatre,

whilst James, who works in retail, has to live with his eccentric ways.

I'm outgoing and I like to just do things and just be like,

that's fun, we should do that, it will be interesting.

But I do get bored easily.

Look, I'm not an idiot.

LAUGHTER

While outgoing Jack loves to take centre stage,

James prefers setting the scene at home.

'The whole house, it is my taste.'

Jack, he doesn't have a say.

'I love everything I've done.'

I had no say.

No, not in colours, you're colour-blind so no point, you're not picking wall colours.

OK, brilliant. So, yeah, I had no say at all.

Jack may play a minor role when it comes to their home life,

but the tables are about to turn

as he takes control of the biggest day in both their lives.

So it's quite nice for me to be able to go,

this time, I'm going to do EVERYTHING.

While organised James

will have absolutely no say in the wedding whatsoever.

It is going to be the most stressful three weeks of...

my life, I think, because it's the biggest day of your life

and I don't get a say, know what I mean?

And I'm giving it to the guy that I don't let wash up, he doesn't do it properly,

but now he's going to organise my big day. That's what I'm scared about.

The couple may have their differences,

but one thing they do agree on is the importance of family.

We're going to get married and this is going to be the house we come back to.

This is the house we're going to have kids in, the house, we're looking to foster.

You don't have to be married to foster children, but for us,

getting married is the next step in our relationship,

and then the next step after that is to do the fostering

and then we'll have a really strong family unit

and I think it's nice to be able to offer that stability to a child.

Sadly, one family member will be missing from their big day,

Jack's mum.

My family over the last four of five years have gone through quite a lot.

-'We'd only been together for a month.

-A month.

'James was planning to meet my mum on the Saturday,'

and then she passed away on the Tuesday.

'Me and my mum, we were like best friends.'

I've heard so much about Theresa and I feel like I know her.

Inspired by his mum and with this the first year of same-sex marriage,

Jack's determined to make this wedding a production to remember.

We're lucky that we have no traditions to stick to.

You know, if it's a man and a woman getting married,

you have people and aunties and uncles might go,

"Oh, well, you didn't do this and you'll have to do that,

"you're a man and woman." What traditions do we have?

None whatsoever. We literally make it up on the spot.

We can even make traditions now.

Jack's creative juices may be flowing but, James is hoping

to celebrate equal marriage in a very different way.

My dream wedding day will literally be a nice,

proper old-fashioned, traditional wedding, nothing outrageous,

and it just be a day for all of us to remember.

Jack's mother might be absent on his big day, but he wants to make

sure she's not forgotten.

I had a few ideas of how I wanted to incorporate my mum within the day.

My mum was in Midsummer Night's Dream when I was younger, I think

I was about six or seven, and it was her favourite Shakespeare,

so when thinking about themes and things for weddings,

that just sprung to my mind straightaway.

To honour his mum's love of Shakespeare, Jack wants to

stage the performance of a lifetime, directing an hour-long version

of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream,

for James and their guests to watch.

I'm incorporating a lot of what my friends do as a profession,

which is acting. It is literally, I've chosen a play as the theme,

and then I'm going to be, like, directing my wedding.

But that's fun.

A Midsummer Night's Dream is a comedy about young lovers

set in a fairy forest wonderland.

So, the question is, can Jack really pull of one of Shakespeare's

most successful, complicated and eccentric plays with just £12,000?

I want to be very creative.

This isn't going to be a kind of normal, traditional wedding.

This is going to be an event.

Who cares if it's in the back garden?

It doesn't matter, like, we're getting married.

And our friends and family that love us

and support us are going to be there.

-We're not getting married in the back garden, though.

-We might be!

It's time for our couple to say goodbye.

Today, Jack moves out to plan the wedding, and James is making

sure he's set for the next few weeks.

-Thank you.

-Made you some.

Just put it in there, don't put it in the thing.

Thank you, James.

You're nervous, aren't you?

Yes, very, very nervous. It's three weeks.

We can do it.

Yeah, it'll be fine.

After four years together, the couple are going to find it

hard spending time apart.

You're taking the house with you, ain't you?

-All right?

-Yeah. OK.

See you later.

Go on. Go for it.

See you on our wedding day.

Have fun. Not too much fun.

As Jack drives away, the pressure of staging this ambitious

production is already playing on his mind.

I could list quite a lot of my fears at the moment,

like, there's lots of things that I'm worried about, but I think

that I won't know the answers until I actually start organising it.

While Jack prepares for his directorial debut, James is

waiting in the wings at home.

He's invited bridesmaid, Alex, and friend, Kelly, to keep him company.

-Cheers to Jack going!

-Cheers to Jack going.

So, how are you feeling now he's gone?

-I'm scared.

-About what?

I'm just scared because of what's going to happen, obviously,

in three weeks' time, but I think I'm more upset.

Are you worried about the choices he's going to make,

or you do you just completely trust him?

No, I don't trust him.

WOMEN LAUGH

We know that. I don't trust him.

What would you do, like, if it was, like, a theme?

No! You don't really have themes for weddings, do you?

I want traditional, just, like, sit down for a three-course meal.

-You don't want anything too out there.

-Yeah.

-You don't want anything like...

-Nothing too flamboyant.

-Oh...

But flamboyant is exactly what Jack is going for.

And he's travelled to London to move in with best man

and fellow thespian, Jay.

-Jacko!

-Hello, mate, you all right? Good to see you.

For the next three weeks, Jay is giving up time with his

girlfriend to help Jack plan the wedding,

but James is already worried about what that might mean.

Because they both went to drama school,

I hope the wedding and drama school are not going

to relate that. I hope they don't do nothing stupid.

So, all James wants is a normal, traditional wedding, OK, Jack?

I do not want it to be like a normal, traditional wedding.

Oh.

-And we're not doing church?

-No!

-Church would just be weird. Like...

-Inappropriate?

Totally inappropriate. I'm gay!

You're gay?!

THEY LAUGH

Basically, we have a theme, Midsummer Night's Dream.

HE LAUGHS

I want James to arrive as if, like, he's arriving

in the middle of a scene.

That is so cool!

So, there's like, actors will just like surround the car,

and then boom, they're gone, and they're vanished.

And then, like, so there'd be, like, a 45-minute version of scenes

and stuff, which we could cut together...

Boom, here's a performance.

Like putting on a play and a wedding.

-Directing a wedding.

-Directing a wedding.

Oh, that's so cool.

And if you like that, Jack's got another kick-ass idea.

I want there to be an actual, real-life donkey.

THEY LAUGH

OK, yeah, great.

Midsummer Night's Dream, Bottom gets turned into a donkey halfway

through the play and has a crazy bit where he's having sex

with the Queen of the Fairies, which is brilliant!

And he's a donkey, and I thought about, how am I going to incorporate

the donkey into the wedding, and I thought, we'll just get a donkey.

Well, that does make sense.

So, the boys head to the countryside in search of a star.

How you doing, buddy? Hello, mate.

Organising a wedding in three weeks,

and it's a Midsummer Night's Dream theme,

and one of the characters in Midsummer Night's Dream gets

turned into a donkey,

and I thought it'd be a really cool idea to have a real donkey there.

Yeah, the donkeys are always the star attraction of any event.

They're really popular.

How much do you normally charge for, like, hiring them

out for, like, the day and stuff?

Erm... How long would you like them for?

We probably want them for about two hours, maybe.

The cost would be about 400 for that.

£400?! Let's hope this donkey can act.

-Well, what are you willing to...?

-250, I'd be happy with that.

-But that doesn't sound good to you, right?

-No.

OK, thank you. We'll have a think and then we'll...

Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah. See you later, fellas.

With the ass still up in the air, it's back to the drawing

board for groom, Jack.

Meanwhile, organised James is on the Isle of Sheppey, where he grew up,

to visit his dream venue with his family and bridesmaid, Alex.

A proper traditional wedding,

that's what I want, to get married back home on the island.

I want the old traditional car to pick me up and take me there.

Even the dinner, like, I've even thought of having, like,

a three-course meal, like, all the knife

and forks you can think of, cos you only get married once,

you want it all. You want to splash out on everything.

-Ah, look at this, Jim.

-Ain't it nice?

-Yeah!

Oh, my God!

Oh, it's really pretty, isn't it?

Oh, it's really nice, James.

Jack this side, Jack's lot.

-Jack's this side?

-Our side this side, Mum.

Are you having sides? Are you going to have sides?

I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen.

That's true!

-It's lovely, as well, especially this is at home, isn't it?

-Yeah.

On the island. Look outside.

MUM GASPS

-Look at that view!

-Oh, my God.

Could you get married outside?

I imagine just, like, worst case scenario, and it's like...

HE MIMICS RAIN

Well, it's windy today,

can you imagine what it'd be like if it was raining?

An outdoor wedding would be a problem for James,

but perfect for Jack.

He's on the hunt for a venue to stage his Midsummer Night's

Dream production, and he thinks he's found a hidden gem,

Willow Cottage outdoor theatre.

This is beautiful. We're literally in the middle of a forest.

Just 15 minutes away from Jack and James's home, Willow Cottage

could be ideal for Jack's Shakespeare inspired wedding.

-This is amazing.

-A-ma-zing.

They are meeting theatre owner, David, to see the grand arena

that will stage Jack's play.

Then we have a little amphitheatre.

A little dug out amphitheatre.

That's crazy!

Yep, a crazy big hole in the ground.

This is not what I expected at all.

This is amazing.

Back on the Isle Of Sheppey, James is keen to find out what his

wedding will entail - but how?

Well, his mum is an amateur psychic, which is handy.

So, Mum, have you thought what Jack's going to do?

Can you see it being in a venue like this though?

Do you reckon Jack will pick something like this?

-Bigger.

-Bigger?

-Yeah.

-What, like stately-home big?

-Yeah.

-Oh, James!

And psychic Mum has even foreseen what they'll be wearing.

I do...I am seeing tweed...suits, for you.

No, you're picturing navy, Mum, no?

-I am seeing the tweed.

-What, both? Or just me?

No, both you and Jack.

So we both look like idiots. Who wears tweed?

Well, you will be on your wedding day.

I can tell that is what you're going to look like.

Oh, bloody hell! Are you taking the piss?

James isn't exactly loving his mum's premonitions, and heading

outside to see the backdrop to his traditional wedding pictures...

It's beautiful.

..he soon spots something else he wouldn't want.

I wouldn't have a marquee though, cos look, it's all blowing.

I would rather have the indoor bit, do you know what I mean?

Look, it's going to blow over!

Yeah, but, you're seeing it like that but them doors do open.

It looked pretty inside but, it's just...look, it's shaking.

We live in England, it's going to rain, do you know what I mean?

You can put up however many marquees you want but it's not going to

stop the wind and the rain, and that's my biggest fear.

Back in Essex, happy with his theatrical venue, Jack's

looking for somewhere to hold his reception and has a plan to

keep out the British weather.

And then out here is where we have put the marquee.

Did he say "marquee"?

That's incredible.

The marquee that we want to get would be a see-through marquee,

-so you could see all around...

-Yeah.

..so we're just going to go and stand in the middle of a field

and just see what you can see...

-If that's all right?

-..around, if that's OK?

-Carry on.

-Thank you.

Just in the middle of this...it's just like, boof!

-I love it.

-Yeah, I absolutely love it.

And with £12,000

burning a hole in Jack's pocket, even rain wouldn't dampen his day.

Let's get umbrellas, man, if it rains, like...

Yeah. We could hire a person to be the umbrella guy.

The venue's ticking every box for Jack but, how much does a dug out

amphitheatre and a field for a marquee actually cost?

Obviously...price, that's what we're...?

For the venue, it's a thousand.

-OK.

-A thousand?

-Yes.

-And that's the whole time?

-Yes.

That's unbelievable!

But can it hold legal ceremonies?

-You can have a blessing...

-Yeah.

...but, certainly can't get married here.

That's...

Without a wedding licence, this could be the end of Jack's

midsummer night's dream.

I feel a bit disappointed that we can't legally get married there,

which is shit.

But with his emotional connection to Shakespeare's play, Jack

makes a big decision.

I think I'm just going to have to do registry office...

really quick, really like - boom, legal bit done.

Despite this being the first year that same-sex couples can get

married anywhere with a licence,

Jack has decided to say their vows in a registry office.

You may kiss the...groom, and then you're like...

You may kiss the groom.

-...bye! And run out.

-Yeah.

So, Jack plans to leave James at the registry office,

then meet him again for a blessing in a field.

And then once again, you're waiting for him to walk up the thing.

Well, I'm probably going to probably meet and walk together.

Oh, right yeah, yeah.

I think him walking up the aisle is just weird...girls do that.

Gays don't do that.

All so he can direct a play in a muddy amphitheatre.

It's the end of week one and with all the venues and marquee

costing over £4,000, Jack has travelled to Kent to relay

the first part of his wedding plans to his dad.

-All right, Dad.

-Hello, mate. You all right?

-Yeah, I'm good.

-Lovely to see ya.

-Yeah, you, too.

-What's going on?

-Booked a venue.

-Yeah.

-The theme is Midsummer Night's Dream.

-Oh, my favourite!

-I know.

-And it is and all, isn't it?

The reason why we did that is cos it's the first ever

-Shakespeare that I ever knew anything about.

-Yeah, same as me.

Cos of Mum. Because she was in it and she'd talk about it all the time

and she absolutely loved it, so it's nice to do Midsummer Night's Dream

-because she... I'd then kind of feel like she was still there.

-Yeah.

Because, when I think of Midsummer Night's Dream,

I think of Mum and I think of all the memories and watching it.

Well, your mum'll be up there, looking down, well proud, mate.

I know she would, I know she would.

No, it'll be good. That sounds good, that sounds great.

Who does blessings?

-Any vicar, don't they?

-Or...I don't know.

Well, it's not going to be a religious blessing.

Can't you get someone just with a collar?

They can't be religious, can they? I don't want it to be religious.

It's not like me at all.

-I'll do it.

-No, you ain't.

-I could be a vicar!

-No, you ain't! Stop it.

You're stressing me out, I knew I shouldn't have come to see ya!

While Jack is getting stressed by his dad, James is calming his

nerves over a coffee with his psychic mum.

When you first come out and told us, we knew all along.

I knew there was something there all along.

Brilliant, you should've told me then, I would've come out earlier.

No, I just did. It's a mum's thing, isn't it? You know.

Now, I've got three sons, once it's all done on paper,

-but I've always seen Jack as a son anyway.

-Yeah.

Since he lost his mum, isn't it, I've sort of... I don't know,

I've just had that little thing for Jack.

So, well done for getting married.

After a week away from Jack, James is starting to worry.

-Are you nervous, though?

-Yeah.

Really nervous, cos I don't have a say, do you know what I mean?

It's my big day. I'm literally just trying to get married.

What would be your worst nightmare?

A theme and stuff like that, just, you don't do that, do you?

-It's for your birthday parties, isn't it?

-No.

-Not for your wedding.

Not wedding. He knows it would be your nightmare.

Mind you, it's his way of getting you back.

Yeah. What for? Marrying him? He doesn't need to get me back.

-No, but you're really picky, aren't you?

-Yeah.

You do nag him a lot.

-He's the one...

-You're the serious one and Jack isn't. He's the kid!

Meanwhile, big kid Jack is in his element, directing the play

he and James will watch on their big day.

Yeah, Midsummer Night's Dream is a comedy, it's really funny,

stupid thing happened, a guy gets turned into a donkey

and falls in love with the Queen of the Fairies.

Like, it's all really farcical and stupid.

-Where's my Bottom?

-That's funny, isn't it?

Having condensed the five-act play to an hour-long show, Jack spent

£600 on a company of actors to bring his vision to life.

Scene one, so, in there we need Lysander, Hermia, Helena

and Demetrius.

Pyramus and Thisbe!

Just stand it up.

And this will clearly be a dream with a difference, as they

change the words of the world's most successful playwright.

To the glade our happiness we'll show. Come!

-Well, that's me writing Shakespeare.

-Jay just made that line-up.

It looks like Jack's version will be a very loose adaptation.

That means bugger off for the photos,

so then the audience members...

Well, audience members, wedding guests, whatever!

I think having the play as well as the wedding, that is

way too much, but, we have to do it.

With the play cast and rehearsed, this untraditional wedding won't be

complete without the cast's outfits, so Jack's come to a costume store.

-Is it weird that I quite like it?

-Yeah, a bit weird.

Top of his list, the Queen of the Fairies.

This is very much what I'd imagine Titania being in

cos it has like...wings.

And an all-important donkey's head.

What is super, super cool?

Oh, my God!

I think he'll know it's Midsummer Night's Dream if there's

all, like, fairies, woodland-y... man with a donkey on his head.

I think this is absolutely lush.

Unless he thinks we've done a farmyard theme.

That, or Shrek.

Still, with over £100 spent on actors' costumes, Jack's delighted.

Happy days.

Happy with their earlier choices, the boys are down the pub

where their thoughts finally move away from staging a play and

onto planning a wedding.

-I'm really happy we done that.

-Hallelujah.

I'm really happy.

We start working out, now,

prioritising details of what needs to be done.

Big, number one, bar, tables and chairs,

decorations and centrepieces.

And all of that shit that comes with that stuff.

Still hoping to afford his donkey, Jack has a money-saving idea.

Also, for like the cake table...

Oh, shit, yeah, cake.

I have, in my house, loads and loads

and loads of pallets that I made my coffee table from.

Did you? I've never heard about those(!)

So, I think that we should, together...

Make a cake out of pallets.

Probably taste better! Make a cake table out of pallets.

-Great.

-So a cake table made out of old pallets, but first,

how to sneak them out of the house?

-If worse comes to the worst...

-Yeah?

-...and somebody sees that

-we're here, it would be better if they saw me, not you.

-OK.

So, why don't I go in first and if nobody does answer the door,

I'll give you a signal, you can bring the van all the way up

-and we'll literally...

-I've got my key and we'll go in.

-..Guy Ritchie the whole place, all right?

-All right.

-Can I talk to my cat?

-Ah, yeah, but briefly, cos we've got a job to do.

Go! Run! Run, run, run, run!

MUSIC: THEME TO MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE

Get down!

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

-No-one in, no?

-No. I swear I could hear somebody move in there.

Oh, this is so weird!

Thinking that no-one's home, the boys head inside.

-So, where are these pallets?

-In the garden.

Covert operation, they could be back any minute.

-Hello?

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

-Kelly's...

Unless you count James friend, Kelly.

-What the

-BLEEP

-do we do? Hello, mate, you all right?

Yeah, I'm going to come up and hug you.

Hello.

-Jack, we've got to go!

-Oh, no.

If I ever set up a strike force, you're not in it.

Love you, see you later! Quick, we've got to go.

Pallets. Roll!

What? We've got to turn these into a table?

Yeah, you're right, that is what we have to do.

-How many do you need?

-I don't know, mate.

One hand, pallet man!

Hallelujah, step on it! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

ENGINE STALLS

-OK, now let's go!

-Yay!

-Yay!

A few hours later, James is back home

and Kelly can't wait to spill the beans.

-What the hell is going on?

-I'm really scared.

I was in the bath and I heard a knock on the door

and I was like, ignore it, I'm in the bath.

Put my head under water and then when I came back up

I heard some people talking,

band then all of a sudden I heard a massive scream and it was Jack.

-What was he doing?

-Stealing pallets.

-What the

-BLEEP

-was he going to do with pallets?

-Does he look skinny?

In my ideal wedding, pallets are not on the scene,

so, obviously, he's not doing what I want. I'm just so confused,

I really don't understand why...

Just a little bit scared now.

I just don't have a clue what he's going to do with these pallets

at the wedding so, hopefully he hasn't gone too off-key but, fingers

crossed, it's nothing big that he's going to do

with these bloody pallets.

Back at best man Jay's, the boys get to work

on their cost-cutting cake table.

This table needs to look nice otherwise James will just

think we're idiots.

With savings made on the table,

Jack and Jay splash the cash at a car-boot sale.

-How much for all four?

-Six quid.

-Done.

Spending £100 on decorations...

That's what we need, that's really cool.

..£200 on bridesmaid dresses...

-Let's go.

-..and £300 on James's wedding transport.

-That's awesome. Deal, mate.

-Cheers.

-Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Really, thank you. Hooray!

It's ten days until the wedding and with Jack's play in good shape,

he's finally ready to find James's wedding outfit,

so long as it fits in with his dream theme.

Cos Midsummer Night's Dream is very forest-y,

English countryside so, I'd like to get him in like a tweed suit.

Which weirdly enough is exactly what James's mum said. She is psychic!

Jack's on the hunt for a country suit,

in distinctly urban East London.

Most tweed places you go to are like old-men tweed

and I definitely don't think that's mine and James's style.

I think East London is cooler, more edgy.

And definitely more grimy.

Look at that toilet.

He can wear this.

But hidden down a back alley is the gem that Jack's after.

-Hello, hi. I'm Jack.

-Nathan.

-Hi, Nathan, nice to meet you.

-Hello.

-Hello, Jay.

-Wow. You've lots and lots and lots of tweed.

-Yes.

This is so cool.

I was really looking for a tweed suit for both me

and my partner, James.

Well, I mean, basically, that's what we do.

There's 600 tweeds here, you know, in all these cloth books

because, what we do is mainly a made-to-measure service.

-OK.

-And so we've got hundreds of tweeds for that but...

-Right.

-...minimum turnaround time is going to be six weeks.

Which is four weeks longer than Jack has.

What we do have is some ready-to-wear.

There's not a huge selection, there's only four different tweeds.

And like that, Jack's options drop from 600 to just four.

Meanwhile, in the tailoring capital of Britain, James has brought

Alex and Kelly to show them his dream wedding suit...

that's if he was arranging his own wedding day.

I want a tailored suit, do you know what I mean?

I want it to be expensive, I want it to fit amazing,

I don't want it from some high street or anything, like.

You're going to wear it once in your life and I want the best thing

in the world.

-So, what's the occasion?

-My big day.

-Wow, congratulations!

-Thank you.

-When is the big day?

-Don't actually have a clue.

-You don't know when the wedding is?

-I don't know anything.

-OK.

-So, it's all very scary.

-Do you know where it is, or...?

-No.

-No idea at all?

-Not even a date.

OK. So what's the plan on the suit front?

-Well, I kind of want...like this.

-Something like that.

I want, but I don't know what Jack's going to get me.

-OK, so he's picking your suit for you.

-Yes, he's picking everything.

You're a brave man!

I want, like a royal navy with the handkerchief and the tie to be red.

Handkerchief, OK, that's no problem at all. So, in terms...

-I've not thought about it at all.

-OK.

Because I've looked at so many navy suits,

I've fell I love with it, that's what I want.

He can't put me in nothing stupid.

Probably have like a little hissy fit, but then...yeah, no, he won't.

Depends if you think green tweed is stupid.

Oh, my goodness. It does look really lovely.

I really like this. What colour are these? Is this?

-What, is that suit?

-Yeah.

-It's like a dark green.

OK.

Whatever it is, it isn't the navy that James wants.

-Oh!

-What do we think, ladies?

-Oh, James!

-Do you like it?

-Yeah, I love it.

-Yeah. You look amazing!

-Do you like that?

-I love the tie.

Yeah, I think the red tie is perfect for you.

-Is he ready to get married?

-Yes!

-Yes, he certainly is.

-Good!

-It's nice, isn't it?

-How do you feel in it?

-No, I like it.

-You really like it?

Do you feel quite emotional, just being in it?

-That's exactly what you wanted, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Perfect. Come on, Jack, just telepathically know.

I like that for James.

Sadly for James, Jack isn't psychic.

I think the theme, the style, what we're doing all day is perfect.

He'll fit right in.

With James's green tweed sorted,

that leaves Jack with just three others to choose from.

I really like that.

-Do you?

-I do, actually.

Ah, yes, so do I.

I like this one so, how much would this one as a three-piece be?

And that one?

-750, it would be.

-Each?

Yeah, for a three-piece, yeah.

We are on a bit of a budget.

What do we do?

With only £500 budgeted,

it's time for best man Jay to come to the rescue.

If we bought both of them...

I'd definitely do you a discount on taking two suits.

What is your budget?

-500 quid.

-OK.

Well, that's nearly the asking price,

give or take £1,000.

Could you do it for 1,200 for the two?

Go on, then.

-1,200.

-OK, brilliant.

And so, Jack shakes on the deal -

£1,200 for the couple's tweed suits.

But it's not even close to what James wants.

It's the start of the final week and time for the stag dos.

Oblivious to the play, the tweed

or the possible appearance of a donkey at his wedding,

James and his friends are all dressed up

for a good old-fashioned night out.

-So, what do you think we're going to be doing?

-I don't know.

I think he'll have organised something really lovely for you.

-He knows us all.

-Yeah.

-He knows we'll not do nothing stupid.

He knows we want to do...

It's been two weeks now and I'm missing him a lot.

I don't think I realised until this morning,

everyone's here, all under the same roof,

and you're just like, "Someone's missing", and it's Jack,

which is really upsetting

but holding it in cos I know I'm going to see him very soon.

Meanwhile, best man Jay has arranged for some family time

for Jack, his brother and dad.

He's sent them to an airfield with a sealed letter.

Mysterious.

-Go on, open it.

-Go on, then.

I'm shaking.

"Today I can't be there but it's the perfect opportunity

"to spend a few moments with your family

"before returning to the mayhem of planning.

"Your mum would be really proud of the work you've done..."

It says, "She'd be really proud of the work you've done

"and also pretty sure that she'd want to see you

"continue enjoy yourself."

"So, today is a day to have a giggle with the people you love..."

Oh, this is ridiculous!

"..and try a few new things in the process.

"Flight school!" Right, OK.

-Flight school.

-Flight school.

James's stag party is finally up and running

and everyone's ready for a posh night out.

Sadly, that's not what they're getting.

What? White Water Centre?

THEY SCREAM AND LAUGH

-I hate Jack.

-Oh, James, we're dressed up!

-We all picked outfits that hide our lumps and bumps...

-Hiya!

..and now we've got to sit in that.

I am not dressed for this occasion at all.

If I knew, I would've worn little Speedos but, apart from that,

I'm going to have to wear a wet suit and look like a bloody idiot.

Back at the airfield,

best man Jay has spent £200 of the wedding budget

to give Jack a day to remember.

-Everything's shaking!

-And up we go!

Oh, my...

This is really cool, isn't it?

Could you imagine Mum if she was here?

She'd be screaming!

-This was definitely worth not knowing about it.

-Yeah.

Yeah. Definitely. I'm really happy I didn't know.

We're going to sneak a little bit of a steep...

THEY CHEER

I'm so glad that I said to Jay, "You sort it out,"

because there's so much that's going on in my brain about food,

about plates, about everything else

that today I can just forget about it

and just kind of slightly feel

what James will be feeling on the day,

just kind of going, "What?!"

Yeah, it's made me more excited about how James is going to feel

because, I had no idea when I was coming up that lane

what was going to happen.

In Essex, James is now in for a rocky ride.

THEY SCREAM

'I can't breathe, a lot of water went into my mouth but it was fun.'

I don't think I'd have picked it as a stag do but

I'm glad he did cos it was fun.

It's intense and everyone enjoyed it, which is the main thing.

I wonder what he's got in store for me at the wedding!

Scary stuff.

NO!

HE PROTESTS

It's only days until the wedding

and although everything's booked

for his performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream,

Jack still hasn't booked any food for the reception.

Come here, Jay. Jay, Jay, Jay. I've got an e-mail.

"I've attached a menu and a quote for the same."

I want to see the price first - that stresses me out.

Total is £3,085.

OK, well, that's a lot of money.

That evening buffet is like...

-that'll be like a BUFFET.

-Yeah, that'll be massive.

I don't think we need anything like that.

Yes. Yes, you're right.

We're essentially doing the lunch twice by doing the evening buffet.

That's true. Oh, cos I want to be so, so cheeky.

Can we offer you 1,500?

If he doesn't say yes to us, he won't earn any money that day

because it's too late and no-one's as silly as us.

But one man can't be expected to stage a masterpiece

and negotiate catering costs.

-Can you call and talk to him?

-Yeah.

-This is really stressful.

Hello, it's Josh Carter here,

I'm Jack's best man.

Would you possibly consider

doing the barbecue lunch with the glassware and the bar

for 1,500 all in?

'Eh...1,500...

'Yeah, I could do that. Yep, that's fine.'

Amazing.

The guys have got a bargain,

although they've had to knock off the evening buffet to do it.

Yes!

We are on notices, ceremony, Willow Cottage, marquee, actors,

decorations, suits for you two, VW Camper, food and bar -

£10,034.50.

-That's

-BLEEP

-brilliant!

-You know what we need to do, though?

-What?

Talk about that donkey.

Yes!

With money to spend, Jack can finally book his leading male.

Get that donkey's agent on the phone.

Hello there, I was just calling to speak to Sam

-about hiring a donkey for my wedding.

-'Yeah.'

Is it feasible to do it for £200 all in?

Cos we're not really able to go much higher than that?

'She'll do it for 250.'

-250?

-'Yep.'

Yes. Yes.

That's £150 less than his first donkey search.

Thank you very much, cheers, bye-bye.

So with the food and Midsummer character Bottom booked

it all adds up to one thing for Jack...

I think we've got a wedding.

It's the day before the wedding

and James is miles away from Savile Row in Mayfair.

He's been sent to a back street in East London

to collect his wedding suit.

I'm not filled with confidence in the area.

I really want a navy suit, like really slim fitting.

I'm going to wear it once in my life

and it's got to be nice and it's got to be expensive.

Oh, nice.

Always got to look nice.

To be fair, his psychic mum did warn him

but what will he make of the tweed?

-Hey.

-Hi. Hi.

-Are you all right?

-Are you James?

-I'm James. Yes, I am.

-OK. Nathan, good to meet you.

-Thank you.

-I assume it's tweed.

-Yours is in there.

THEY GASP

Have you seen it? Have you opened it yet?

-No, I've not done it yeah.

-Well, open it!

-Oh, my Jesus.

Good "Oh, my Jesus" or bad "Oh, my Jesus"?

No, I'm a little bit nervous. It's green...

-It's green.

-..and Mum was right.

-Tweed?

-Tweed?

-Yes.

-I said you would look like the...

-INDISTINCT

-Yeah, thank you, Alex.

-Let's retract that comment, shall we?

Oh, it's a bit itchy, isn't it?

Well, it's tweed, babe, isn't it?

-You ready?

-Oh, my God, hold on.

-Oh, my God, James!

-Yay?

-You look really good!

-Yeah.

-Do I look like a farmer?

-No!

-No, you don't look like farmer,

what farmers do you know wear bloody ties?

I didn't really expect it, that's the God's honest truth.

-I know Mum...

-Even though she said tweed?

-..Mum said tweed

but, do you know when you kind of like...

-you have that image in your head?

-Yeah.

-It's not navy, is it?

-It's not navy. Do you love?

-It's not navy, babe.

I like...now the trousers are on, look, I've got a nice little bum.

-You've got a nice little bum, you do.

-Lovely bum.

Get that out on the dance floor.

I am a little bit nervous, though,

that he's not got too carried away

and he's done a massive theme for the wedding,

especially dressed in this, I look like a plonker.

So are you happy to wear this on the wedding day, like...?

-Don't have a choice.

-No.

-If I'm wearing this...

-Yeah?

-..what does the venue look like?

Having blown the rest of the budget on decorations,

back at Willow Cottage Theatre,

with the help of his closest friends,

Jack is dressing the marquee.

That one needs to move over there a tiny bit more.

Bring it forward a little bit.

Still keen to set new traditions,

Jack wants to write his own vows.

How on Earth are you going to sign your life away?

What are you going to say?

Normal wedding vows are like,

-"Through sickness and in health" and all that shit.

-Yeah.

Millions and millions of people have said those words

and it just means nothing.

I've no idea what to write.

Maybe I could write a bunch of promises...

-I promise to...

-..like five or six promises.

"I promise to love you for the rest of my life."

"I promise to share the ups and downs,

"the dum-ba-dums and the dum-ba-dums."

What are the other dum-ba-dums?

-All I can think is...

-This is...

-..the round and rounds!

No, this is... The round and rounds. That is rubbish!

-Starting again. "I promise..."

-I promise...

"..to love you for ever."

Never take him for granted.

"And cherish each moment we spend together."

"Through thick and thin."

But what about the really important stuff?

"I promise to share the fluffy blanket..."

-Yeah!

-"..on every occasion necessary."

What do you argue about in the house?

-Something about those

-BLEEP

-dogs - I hate them.

"And be kind about the china dogs."

-Yeah, that's great.

-It's got to end on something nice.

These are my wedding vows.

I kind of feel like I want to say,

"I look forward to adding new additions to our family"

but none of us have got a womb

so, we're not actually adding anything,

we're just taking them from other people.

"I look forward to building a family with you."

-Just that one line?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

OK?

-Yeah?

-Vows done.

-Want to hug it out?

-Yes.

-Good, well done.

-Done.

It's the day of Jack's big Midsummer Night's Dream play

and the couple's two wedding ceremonies.

And at home in Essex, James is with his family, friends

and bridesmaids, Alex and Lana.

I'm really, really nervous.

Today's the day, and there's no turning back,

so, whatever he's done, he's done, you've just got to go with it.

And James is hoping for the sun to come out.

I think it being outside would be my worst nightmare.

-Being outside.

-The weather's not looking good.

Everyone here is thinking about the wedding details.

-Cake!

-We can't tell you.

-Cake.

-Oh!

Yeah, what's your cake going to be like?

I don't know.

With just three hours until the registry office ceremony,

Jack and Jay are putting the finishing touches

to the reception venue, setting the home-made cake table in place...

Oh, my table!

..ready for the ultimate last-minute preparation -

building the wedding cake on the actual day.

I think we're absolutely mental with this cake, but it will look great.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I really like it.

The cake's finished but it seems the pressure of organising

two ceremonies and a play is getting to Jack.

Jay, my vows are not here.

In the corner, by the box?

While Jack panics about his lost vows, back in Essex,

with only a suit to put on, James is feeling relaxed,

and still in his pyjamas, it's time to see the bridesmaid dresses.

Oh!

Not really sure about the bling bit, but I think it's nice.

-Yeah!

-Is there anything that you don't like

that we can quickly change before anything happens?

No. Oh, you've got little tassels! OK, minus that bit but, I like it.

With the bridesmaid dresses a success,

it means only one thing to James.

I want to get dressed now!

Yeah! Let's get you dressed!

Do we look all right together?

I think so.

I thought he'd have picked a pink tie to match your dresses.

Yeah.

And with same-sex marriages now legal, the conversation turns

to where the ceremony might happen.

You can get married anywhere, though,

it doesn't just have to be, like, a civil partnership can only be

in one place, like a registry office or whatever, when you're married...

No, it's nice to be like every other couple.

And after putting on his less-than-traditional suit...

..James's less-than-traditional transport arrives.

-Jim...

-Shut up!

I'd never have thought of that!

And with that, James's hopes of a vintage wedding car

have completely stalled.

In London, best man Jay's house

has been turned into a theatre dressing room.

If I die with a donkey on my head, then...

But amid the madness, Jack's having a meltdown.

He still can't find his vows.

No, nowhere, they're gone.

Right, it's going to have to be really simple, we haven't got time.

It's nearly half past ten and we've got to get there.

It seems that Jack may have been more preoccupied with his play

than he was with his wedding ceremony.

Oh, bollocks!

He may be unaware that he's heading for the registry office,

but James seems to be accepting Jack may not have taken the traditional

route for their big day.

I think now I have to go with it's not traditional.

You got butterflies?

Yeah. Big butterflies. Are you predicting anything, Mum, or not?

Or you're not going to tell me?

-I'm not going to tell you.

-Not going to tell me.

No, I won't, cos obviously everything I've said...

Has been right.

And I don't want to say anything else in case that's right

-and I've spoiled it.

-Cos we're here now,

we don't know how long we've got, we've got an hour or so in a car.

Well, after just 20 minutes in the van, James is arriving.

Ah, we're pulling in somewhere.

We're at the registry office.

And inside, the pressure is getting to Jack as he waits.

What's happening?

Why is it not happening?

Will the registry office be a step too far?

Yeah, you... Oh, my God!

# All of me

# Loves all of you... #

I love you so much!

We're going to have such a good day.

Come on, let's walk down the aisle.

Oh, Jesus! We're getting married!

Give me some of that.

After three weeks apart,

it's time for Jack and James to be legally wed,

and luckily, Jack's remembered the vows.

I promise to love you for the rest of my life.

I promise to stand by you through thick and thin.

I promise to share the fluffy blanket

and be kind about the horrible china dogs.

You mean the absolute world to me

and I can't wait to share my life with you.

I promise to love you for the rest of my life.

I promise to stand by you through thick and thin.

I promise to share the fluffy blanket,

and I can't wait to share my life with you.

Jack and James, it gives me great pleasure

in announcing you are now husband and husband.

You may kiss each other.

APPLAUSE

Now legally married, James may think the surprises are over,

but Jack's about to leave him to set the stage for his next wedding act.

I've got to go.

Awkward.

And I need your ring.

I'm really sorry, just trust me.

We've done this bit now, the day begins now.

-I love you.

-Love you, too.

See you later. Jay, Holly, let's go.

Bye, I love you! Bye, everyone, see you later!

So, what's the plan now? Do we get back in the car?

I don't know, babe. Has he left you anything?

-No.

-Like a note?

I think the most annoying thing is that the ring's been taken off

and we've got to do it all over again.

I think for me, that's the hardest part, like, I've seen him

and now we've got to re-act it again,

but I think taking the ring... I don't know.

I don't know what's in store now. Scared.

Hopefully, he's not got nothing planned that's too stupid

the next time.

Um...

Oh...

Oh, my God!

Oh, we've got to get in, got to get in!

Oh, my God!

So I assume it's a theme.

Exactly what James didn't want.

I saw the donkey.

That's Midsummer Night's Dream.

I personally would not do a theme for my wedding.

You've gone up, you've seen Jack

and now you've hit a... You've hit a crash.

I personally thought that both me and Jack would just get in this car.

I thought that.

Scared.

And maybe he should be, as at the venue,

two donkeys and the cast of A Midsummer Night's Dream await.

Deep breaths, James. Deep breaths.

-Yeah, deep breaths, just...

-I know.

James, there's someone waiting for you!

-What the hell is going on?

-Stop.

There's donkeys! There's loads of people!

-Oh, my...

-Oh, my Jesus!

Is there no play?

A brief story of young Jack and his love for James!

And we all hear it. Bring them in.

-Oh, we've got to go.

-Right.

Come with me, sir. Come on, ladies.

Come!

Oh, I'm going a different way. Bye!

We're off to the future, to find your love,

to meet all of your wildest dreams.

It's all very exciting.

It is very exciting.

And confusing, I'm not going to lie to you.

He may be wearing a tweed suit, had his ring snatched

and been greeted by donkeys,

but now it's time for Jack's surprise blessing.

What have you done? Oh, what are you making me do?

Walk through here.

I, Jack Derek Harding, do take you,

James Edward John Finch,

to be my lawful wedded husband.

I, James Edward John Finch,

do take you, Jack Derek Harding,

to be my lawful wedded husband.

It is my absolute honour to declare that you are both now

Mr Finch-Harding, gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

Ceremonies finally over

and Jack showing no signs of scarpering again,

James now has a chance to confront his new hubby.

-I was abandoned.

-Oh, what, when I left you...

-When you run away.

-Isn't this worth it though?

No, cos I wanted it indoors,

and obviously I can see a massive marquee.

Like, you're lucky the weather is on your side today, sunshine.

Look at it, it's amazing.

I don't need to convince you it's very beautiful.

No, yeah, I know it's beautiful.

You're being horrible!

What he's done for the wedding, it's not me.

Like, there is a lot of actors running around dressed up

which, for me, that's out of my comfort zone.

Will James be persuaded once he sees the main event?

Jack's adaptation of A Midsummer Night's Dream, in honour of his mum.

It is to make an ass of me,

to frighten me if they could,

but I will not stir from this place, oh, no!

Do what they can, I will walk up and down

and I will sing and I will shout,

and they will see that I am not afraid!

I'd never have pictured my wedding day like this

but I'm glad you did it like this.

Shut up, man! No, yeah...

-You did a good job.

-..I'm glad, too.

After three weeks and £12,000,

the play is a success.

Pat Harding!

Jack's pulled off A Midsummer Night's Dream,

and in Shakespearean style,

is pulling the audience up to be involved.

Was it worth it? It was worth it for me.

Oh, my God, yeah, all of that work, all of that stress, all of

those times where I was saying to Jay, like, "What are we going to do?

"What's going to happen?" Totally, totally worth it.

You've done really well and I'm really proud of you.

The handsome Pyramus and the lovely Thisbe!

No, you just be a man, you be a woman.

Be a man. There we go, be a woman!

There we go. Very good.

With the play/wedding almost over...

..thoughts turn to the future.

The next stage now, for us...

Is going to this foster meeting.

Is going to the foster meetings in July.

And starting to really focus on that.

But enjoy married life first for a bit.

Enjoy married life.

Here's to the next stage of our life. Wey!

You got to drink all of that.

On the count of three, bow!

Three! Bow!

So, James has been convinced by the theme,

but it's time to see inside the marquee

and finally find out what happened to those pallets.

Oh, James, look! Look at the cake!

-Where are the pallets?

-There.

-They're there!

-Oh, my God!

-I didn't even notice!

Oh, look at the cake, James!

-How do you feel, James?

-It's a marquee, it is a marquee.

I know, but look how sturdy it is. Like...

It's not blowing the same as the one at home.

Luckily for Jack, the sun came out for his marquee choice.

-I think I've converted to...

-Converted?

-He's converted your opinion?

-Yeah.

-Really?

On the marquee, yeah. This is gorgeous.

I don't know if your everyday marquee looks like this but...

No, it really doesn't. It's a sturdy marquee.

I want to see him now, I want to see his face with it as well,

because he's going to be so proud of himself.

-Jack!

-What do you think?

-I love it.

Well done, dude! This is amazing!

Oh, Lil, Lil, Lil, oh, yeah, babes, honestly, don't touch the table.

Oh, yeah, I can see it wobbling.

I'm really nervous, can everyone just stand back from the table?

So we made the cake table, and what do you think about the cake?

I love it.

After a day of surprises, it's time for Jack to tell James

why he chose such an untraditional wedding day.

I picked Midsummer Night's Dream because it's the first

Shakespeare play that I ever really kind of knew,

because Mum drummed it into me when I was a kid,

and it's wild flowers and it's rustic and it's just...

-I think it's just beautiful.

-It is. I love it.

-It's perfect.

-You did well.

These three weeks, I was really panicking, as well,

especially, like, I didn't want a theme and I wasn't...

I wanted a traditional, back home...

But it's nice to see, he's brung it to our home

where we now live in Essex, and it's really nice that we're all here

together and we're going to spend the happiest day of my life together.

Jack's midsummer wedding may not have been what James dreamed of

but it's gone down a treat.

Even the pallet cake table's a success...

I've got the cake, I've got the cake!

..just not for very long.

After all the hard work, the cake and the table are ruined,

but best man Jay is looking on the bright side.

Dirty floor, cake everywhere, cutting of the cake's ruined,

but it's much funnier, so who cares?

Thank God the bar's open!

MUSIC: Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap

Today, I am so proud you would not believe.

I mean, my head's probably about this big.

His mum's would've been even bigger.

She's probably looking down now.

I can't believe what a great day it's been.

She's going to be so proud up there, I know she is.

When we woke up this morning,

I did not think that this is how this day was going to turn out.

I think it's brilliant what he's done

and it's been absolutely magical.

I'm over the moon - happy as Larry.

Jack has 100% proved himself. He's been amazing.

He's going to be a brilliant husband.

Fingers crossed, if it happens,

he will be a brilliant father, as will James.

I think it's happy days from here on out.

As the curtain falls, it looks as though Jack has pulled off

the performance of a lifetime.

I trust you now, so much.

Thank you very much, thank you. I'm happy about that.

No, I really, really do. I think you did really well

and I'm really proud of you, and to call you my husband.

And James is so impressed, he wants to stay for ever.

In our front garden.

It's not our front... We don't live here, James!

-We do live here.

-We don't live here! Oh, someone's come out of our house.

# Don't call me baby

# You got some nerve, and, baby, that'll never do

# You know I don't belong to you

# It's time you knew I'm not your baby

# I belong to me, so don't call me baby. #