Episode 5 Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum

Ah, your children. They're cute, say funny things,

then, before you know it,

they're all grown up and ready to fly the nest,

starting a life of their own.

Well, that's how it's supposed to work.

You're acting like a spoilt brat!

Well, I am a spoiled brat!

In these recession riddled times, it's harder than ever for young

people to get a job, so what chance do these reprobates have

of standing on their own two feet?

Argh!

Mum!

This lot are selfish...

You give me money so I don't have to work. That is my reality.

-..sponging...

-Give me the change.

-..lazy...

-You haven't ironed that yet?

I've just ironed it!

-..and completely useless.

-I don't know how to use the washing machine,

the microwave, the drier. But I can lick my elbow.

Their parents are tired of waiting for them to grow up and move out,

but they've only got themselves to blame.

Grace has been one of my biggest mistakes in life.

I'm ashamed of myself, really.

I've reached a point where I can't do it anymore.

So, they're finally kicking them out

and forcing them to run their own home.

This programme contains strong language.

There's no food in the house.

So we've got to buy sheets, pillows, everything.

I know this isn't prison,

but they're doing better off in there than we are here.

They're going to be made to get jobs like the rest of us.

When you finished, do you want to do some work?

Let me know when it's convenient, you know what I mean?

I've never seen such a negative group.

-It's just such a negative attitude.

-They're all gay here.

No, don't, because I'm meant to be head chef. Argh!

It kind of makes you despair for humanity sometimes,

seeing people like this.

It's all under the watchful gaze of their own parents,

that will judge their progress.

I just feel they're acting like spoiled brats. Every one of them.

And each week the most useless gets the boot.

At stake, the prize of a round the world trip.

Will a month of independent living finally make them grow up?

-We can't live with animals.

-This is who we are.

-Before I smack you in the face.

-I hate her.

I didn't realise how hard it was going to be for me.

Or will they remain Young, dumb and living off Mum?

I've BLEEP had it through, love.

The young Dumbers have almost been away from home for three weeks.

Three, two, one, go!

-Oh, my God!

-This is war.

In that time they've argued...

-Such a pair of dickheads.

-..bitched...

-They're absolutely pathetic.

-..and fought so much...

If two people do want to do a rota

and five people do, that ain't teamwork.

..that the house is divided into two warring cliques.

Tom and Jack, who hilariously thought

they were more grown up than the others...

We need to be considerate of each other.

..verses everyone else, who are sick of having to clean up after them.

I cleaned up piss from all over the toilet seat.

I sits down when I piss. I always sit down.

But last week the group had to set aside their differences

when there were put to work at an animal rescue centre...

Sleep with her. Good boy.

Where they had to walk the dogs, clean the cages

and present their pooches to potential adopters.

-What are the other two doing?

-Walking the dogs.

-Aww!

Aww, yeah, while we're keeping their shit.

You need to do both sides of it to get the good out of it.

But for Gracie it was all too much.

I don't want to be here. I want to go home.

Each week the parents meet to vote on who will be sent home

based on their behaviour.

Although Tom and Jack were as lazy as ever...

It's disgusting. I'm not living like a tramp.

..it was Gracie's mood swings that caused the most problems.

You're a pair of BLEEP. You take the piss out of everyone.

Don't vote Grace off because she's unhappy.

But Gracie's dad's desperate plea

fell on deaf ears and she got the boot.

I'm so excited about going home.

So, it's the last week before the final

and there are four left competing for the round the world trip.

There's 18-year-old booze loving Ruby Jo.

There's no point having a drink if you're not going to get bladdered.

It's like saying, I don't smoke, but I'll have one fag.

19-year-old lay about Tom, who aspires to be a cat.

Lay around, sleep and eat food.

What's not to love about that?

18-year-old dimwit Ryan.

Ham comes from cows.

I don't do nothing round the house because that's my mum's job.

That's what she likes doing.

And 19-year-old, carefree, playboy Jack.

If I was to get a girl pregnant

it'd be my mum looking after the baby, I guess.

So far, the group have made mixed progress

at the work placements set by their parents.

Ruby Jo and Ryan have struggled with their responsibilities.

I'm not working for a horrible man like that.

While Tom and Jack have treated every job as a joke.

-What year was it built?

-I think it was, like, olden days.

It's utter nonsense.

Can they do any better this week when they're

put to work as kids' party entertainers?

I hate kids. I like to get drunk at parties.

Will looking after children finally make them all grow up?

Ah, no, don't get me! I don't like bubbles.

-Or will they mess it up like everything else?

-She's upset.

There's not one bit of food in the house.

It's been 24 hours since their last proper meal

and any money they had left has been spent on fags and booze.

I've got a bag of peas and that's it. We're going to starve to death.

My stomach feels that there's a baby in there kicking.

Every time it rumbles it's like its kicking.

I'd hate to be a pregnant woman.

Leaving Ruby Jo and Ryan to starve in the kitchen,

the boys' sneak out the front door.

They have a devilish secret they want to keep from the others.

We've hid money.

You see, what happened was on the cooking task

a woman tipped me £20, me in particular.

-And I got tipped 10.

-Yeah, he got tipped 10.

Tipped them personally? Surely not.

People are going to pay you on what they think the meal is worth.

This was a group task and they lost money.

You didn't get anything. You've lost £150.

So, then, what we did was,

we'd spent that money and we put £10 aside.

And we said, wait until there's no money and then we'll use it.

We put it in an envelope and we hid it and only just

today have remembered where it was.

Everyone's hungry, but we're going to use it ourselves.

We're starving so we are going to use it.

-We're going to spend the whole £10 on us two.

-Yeah.

So, with their crafty tenner, the boys set off

for the local High Street looking forward

to a fancy meal at their favourite restaurant.

-Large portion of chips.

-What drink?

Ordering up a burger and chip banquet,

do the boys feel any sympathy for Ruby Jo and Ryan?

Ryan, the poor boy, his stomach was growling

like he was about to give birth to an alien or something.

And she spent her money on fags.

She can eat her cigarettes. She can eat the box.

I guess not.

# I need a dollar, dollar Dollar is what I need... #

Oblivious to the boys' selfish scheme, Ruby Jo and Ryan

also set off for the High Street

with a plan to turn their skills into hard cash to buy food.

What are you good at, Ryan? You're good at dancing.

I'm not good at dancing. I can dance to save my life.

Well, I can do some gymnastics.

While Ruby Jo and Ryan explore all their options...

-Cut hair. Fix sinks.

-Plumbing?

Back on the High Street, the boys tuck into their sneaky meal for two.

These chips are lovely.

They're even better when you haven't eaten for about two days.

This burger is too sexy to even feel bad. I might feel bad...

Actually, no, I'm not going to.

But their peace is about to be shattered.

How did you two afford chips?

-Um...

-How did you get them?

Did you just pay?

-We might have paid.

-With what?

OK, we had a secret stash.

-We had a stash of money.

-What the...?

We saved a pound from every budget.

-Why would you do that?

-Because we're a team.

But that's not fair.

-Alright, then.

-You guys haven't been saving up.

Come on, Ryan.

Dicks.

Is that out of order?

It's fucking well cheeky.

I don't even know what they're laughing at.

Oh, I can't even stand them both.

She's extremely pissed off, but I fuckin' love it.

I'm sorry. I feel so good. I'm so happy.

Having been teased, taunted and lied to,

Ruby Jo and Ryan are too angry to look for work and are heading home.

Girls verses boys, now, Ryan.

-Yeah.

-Game on.

# Who run the world? Girls... #

While the new girl gang arrive home to plot their revenge...

-Thank you.

-Thanks.

..stuffed to the gills, the boys amble back to the house.

-Do you think this was an evil thing to do?

-No.

It's always been me and you verses them, anyway.

# Who run the world? Girls

# Who run the world? Girls

# Who run the world?... #

-I think they're annoyed at us.

-We're throwing you out.

-We've got food.

-We don't care, we're throwing you out.

We're not speaking to you cos you're a pair of sly BLEEP.

We've got to climb the wall now.

Do you want to boost me up, because I'm a bit lighter?

-I'm light.

-I'm light, as well.

They think they're clever.

Ryan, check that door there.

-They've just jumped up the wall.

-You can open the gate.

They've locked us out now. They've locked the door.

Will you let us in? Let us in.

No, we're not speaking to you.

-You're talking to us now.

-What?

-Please.

-We're not speaking to you two.

-Ryan?

-Ryan's not speaking to you either.

-They've got the hose ready to hose us down.

-It's so pathetic.

10 minutes later, Ryan and Ruby Jo open the doors,

but they are not finished with Jack and Tom just yet.

The whole house has been complaining today that we're really hungry,

You could have said OK, we've got some money,

we could get a bag of chips each and you could pay me back tomorrow.

I probably do a lot to be too selfish.

At the end of the day, there's only four of us here and,

you know, obviously everything is going to be harder if we're arguing.

No, I just think we should all just make up.

There might not be any grub, but there is booze,

so the gang seal their peace agreements

in the only way they know how.

I'm actually going to toast that I'm selfish.

I'll toast to I'm argumentative.

-I'll toast to I'm a miserable old BLEEP.

-I'll toast to I'm cute.

OK, I'm selfish.

One tipple leads to another

and, before long, the boozed up bunch are playing drinking games.

Dare. Who do I dare?

I dare you to...

-..kiss Tom.

-OK.

-Properly!

Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom!

It's got to be in your boxers.

Have you shrivelled up?

As the dares heat up, Ryan wants to take things up a notch.

I'm up for getting as fucked as I can get.

Who wants to fuck me?

I'm joking, I'm joking!

Back home in Doncaster, 18-year-old disco diva Ryan

is known as a party animal.

I get excited when people scream

because it means exciting things are happening.

Whilst Ryan's enjoying his non-stop party lifestyle, his mum, Natasha,

thinks it's time he entered the real world.

Ryan basically needs to know that life is just not one big party.

-Strip poker.

-Let's play strip poker!

But, back in the house, Ryan's party games are just getting started.

I've got minging knickers on!

She's got her tits and fanny out and I've got my balls hanging.

This is the most drunk I've ever been.

What do you do when you've drunk all the booze

and snogged everyone?

I reckon all four of us should run around the square naked.

Just what I was thinking.

It's so fucking cold.

I'm fucking there.

I'm a heavy smoker, it's not fair.

With such an impressive display of maturity

on show, the parents are going to have their work cut out

at the end of the week.

I can see your willy.

How embarrassing was last night?

-Jesus.

-Think of it now.

Are you cringing?

Did you?

After reliving their heroics of last night,

the hung over hedonists head downstairs.

Yay, money!

Every week they receive the equivalent of Jobseeker's Allowance,

just over £7.38 a day.

2p is proper pointless, isn't it?

No, pennies make pounds.

Exactly, Ruby Jo. For a rabble that love fast food, smoke like chimneys

and drink like fish, every penny counts.

So, Ryan and Ruby Jo decide to try and boost their income by coming up

with a master business plan.

So...

Come on guys, think.

Oh, I don't know. But it can be easy just to go out

and get money or else homeless people would do it.

Still hoping to find inspiration, Ruby Jo and Ryan join the boys

on the weekly trip to the supermarket.

It's not easy to come up with a business plan on the weekly shop.

Ryan?

It's in the cleaning products aisle that Ruby Jo has a brainwave...

They're only 12p.

And heads straight for the tills.

Our business venture is all of us building a business in a local area.

So, people can get their houses cleaned

while they're doing other things that they need to do.

After unloading the bags, Ruby Jo and Ryan

are ready to put their money making scheme into action.

We're going to go knocking on doors asking if they want

their house cleaning or anything like that, just to try and earn bucks.

It would be better to have money because we can have more parties.

Is that really a good idea?

What shall we call it? We need a witty name.

Double R Cleaning.

-That's good!

-R & R Cleaning.

-Or Double R Cleaning.

-Hmm.

Double R Cleaning Limited.

Our cleaning is the shit.

But surely people will think that means it's shit.

No, it means THE shit, like in a good way.

We should make money, but I don't want to clean.

Let's get off our ass and we'll do something.

Ruby Jo and Ryan set off to launch their new venture

and leave the boys to brainstorm a plan of their own.

Come on, Ry.

Armed with a mop, a bucket and a dream, R & R Cleaners Ltd is born.

-You can speak.

-No, you can speak.

-You can speak!

-What shall I say?

I was wondering if you wanted any cleaners? We're really good.

There's someone there.

Hiya. We're just going round trying to earn some money.

We just wondered if you have any chores

-that you want us to do or anything.

-No.

-No?

-I'm fine.

-Thank you. Bye.

This is going to be a long day.

DOG BARKS

Oh.

-That would have been funny!

-Why is no one answering their door?

Maybe they saw you streaking in the square last night.

Ryan!

Having pounded the streets for an exhausting 30 minutes

without a single yes, the Clean Team are on the verge of giving up.

-Hi.

-Hiya.

-I was wondering if you needed it any cleaners?

Result!

Their first customer lives in a large three bedroom flat

with two messy kids, so there's a lot of work to do.

-Did you've, like, a price in mind?

-Well, that's the thing.

-I don't know how much you want.

-Like a donation, kind of thing.

We'll do the cleaning and then you tell us what you think it's worth.

-Shall we start on the windows?

-Yeah.

Without a fee agreed up front, Ruby Jo and Ryan

will have to do a good job if they want to earn any money.

At least I'm actually doing something.

I really wonder what Tom and Jack are doing at home.

We've thought, what are we actually good at, so wanking.

I've had one wank since I've been in here,

you've had none, have you? Not really.

Genius! Their money making plan is to make a deposit at the sperm bank.

So we can go and we'll wank into a little pot

-and then we'll get paid for it.

-Yeah.

-Like, a sperm donor.

And they give you a go with some magazines, as well.

Maybe, if we're crafty, we could even sneak them out.

-We're going to give them a beautiful baby.

-Exactly.

-And we get paid for it.

-Exactly.

We need to find a clinic.

We're going to donate sperm for money.

Where do we go? We seriously need to...

Shall we go on the High Street and ask people?

-They'll smack us one round this area.

-It's fine.

Heading off in search of their fortune, the boys are happy

that others will benefit from their selfish act of kindness.

Ryan and Ruby are trying to clean houses

-and we're just going to...

-This is a better way of making money

-because this is for a good cause.

-Yeah. It's a good cause.

When the boys reach the High Street,

they don't find a sperm bank, but they do find...

A pharmacy! They must know.

Do you know where there's a local sperm donation point?

-Yeah, we want to go to one now, basically.

-ASAP.

Got the address.

While the boys set off,

a few streets away the clean team have been working for over an hour

and are now tidying up in the kids' bedroom.

That's such a good idea, handcuffs that glow in the dark.

I think they should

make everything glow-in-the-dark so that you don't ever lose anything.

If your bedroom was a mess and you couldn't find anything,

turn the light off, and it'd glow.

Another genius money-making idea.

They've been working hard, and the flat's spotless.

God, we are domestic goddesses.

-We've cleaned the bath, the sink and the toilet as well.

-Ooh.

'They did really well. They're ever so nice.'

I'm pleased with what they've done.

Our dynamic duo may well have impressed

and be expecting top rates for a job well done,

but the owner has a problem.

She hasn't got as much money on her as she thought.

Yeah. That's £8.

£8 is fine. We're doing it for any amount of money.

-We haven't got a set price, just whatever.

-Oh, bless you.

-See you!

-Bye.

How have Ryan and Ruby Jo found their first day running a business?

I can't take money off her, because she's got two kids.

Yeah. It must be hard.

Yeah. God, I've never felt guiltier about taking money in my whole life.

I know! Same here. It scares me,

-but I think we might be growing consciences.

-Yeah, we might.

We're actually donating my baby.

And my baby... to someone who can't have a baby.

And can't have good-looking kids.

So we're doing them the privilege of giving them ours.

Come on, lads, you're really here for the money, right?

-What's your name?

-Jack.

-It's not that easy.

-There's lots of things you need to match

to become a donor. We check your height, weight,

your BMI, things like that.

Concentrate, Tom.

This is important.

She's about to talk about money.

Did you want to ask about anything related,

the expenses, stuff like that?

Yeah. Is that OK?

This is a bit complicated.

Donors aren't paid in the same way they were.

We want sperm donors to be altruistic

in the same way blood donors are.

You're helping families who can't have children naturally.

If it is something you're interested in,

we would have to take away your registration forms,

have a look through,

and then we would invite you back for the semen sample, OK?

After all that, the boys leave empty handed.

-Nice to meet you.

-Yeah, and you.

We didn't get to look at any dirty magazines, or money.

We got to shake someone's hand.

-Are we going to go?

-Let's go, dude. I'm bored.

And head for home, older and wiser.

Get-rich-quick schemes are a load of shit.

But they'll soon get another chance to man up, as they're about

to find out what their parents plan for their next job.

-Maybe old people.

-Or a drug rehabilitation centre.

That'd be fun.

Having survived this far and completed four tasks,

the parents will be hoping to see improvements

in their young treasures.

At the end of the week, the parents decide

who's pulled their socks up enough to go to the final.

You get to a point where you can't keep making excuses.

And who will be caught with their pants down and will leave.

It's Jack's mum Marilyn who's setting this week's placement.

I'd like to Jack to get off his backside and find a job he'll like.

Bringing up her kids as a single mum,

she's worked up to five jobs at a time to make ends meet.

-Look, that's what a JobCentre is.

-No!

She's spent her life running around after Jack,

and thinks it's about time

he and the others had a taste of their own medicine.

He needs a kick up the backside. He really, really do.

Hello?

'Hi! It's Marilyn.'

-Hi, Marilyn!

-'Hiya!'

Wicked!

Perfect!

Do we have to dress up as clowns?!

-It will be funny.

-You can't swear. I find that really hard.

-I swear all the time.

-So do I.

I hate kids, though!

All they do is slaver on you. They all have chocolate on their face.

-Ugh.

-I do prefer children to dogs, though.

-I prefer dogs.

Up bright and early, the young dumbers are ready to go to work.

Their day will unfold in three stages.

First, they'll be split into two teams

and each given their own party to organise.

But not before they've had a lesson on how to entertain kids.

You look like you're on Brokeback Mountain!

Next, both groups will have to decorate the houses,

get into costume and be ready to kick things off on time.

This looks ridiculous.

Finally, they have to throw the party itself,

but it's not just the kids they have to keep happy,

as the paying parents will expect value for money.

Party! Party! Party!

Teaching the group everything they need to know

are two of the best professional entertainers in the business.

CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS

Jo Jo and Sparkles.

Oh, we don't have to look like that, do we?

Hello! Come on in, guys. Come on in.

Essentially, you'll be representing my company today.

You'll be doing two parties for my clients,

so you'll be in a position of having to be

extremely responsible and professional.

There'll be two themes.

The first theme, princess and pirates' party.

The second theme, pop disco.

-Split yourselves into two groups.

-We'll do princess and pirates.

And you'll do the pop disco? OK. This is good.

With that, are you guys ready?

-More than ready.

-Let's go.

Welcome to Jo Jo world.

It's time for a crash course in entertaining kids.

Pay attention, it's a short period of time and there is a lot to learn.

First lesson, balloon modelling.

You're going to roll it, twist and pinch.

My sword's a bit deformed.

Followed by a class in the ancient art of puppetry.

Take whichever puppet you want,

and create a performance between the two of you.

Whose birthday is it?

-Next, a mind-reading trick.

-Don't move.

I'm going to track your imagination. What is he thinking?

I'm not sure what they've been smoking

or how much of it they have been smoking,

but they've been smoking it for a very long time.

-Oh, my goodness! The magic is happening!

-Them women are on crack.

Something's wrong with them women, but they are so funny.

The next thing we'll do is,

we'll have you guys root through the suitcase,

and see what you can put together and get into character.

-My head's too big.

-My head's too big. I've got a fat head.

You look like you're in Brokeback Mountain.

Why is my head so fat?

'At Christmas, I was a sexy Santa.'

So this is kind of like that.

But not as revealing.

I'm going to put some music on, and I want you guys

to help me believe that you're filled with the energy to host a party.

KIDS' PARTY MUSIC PLAYS

'Ruby and Ryan have done really well.'

Ruby especially has taken the bull by the horns.

-She's giving a bit more than I expected.

-Put your hands in the air!

Woo! Put your knees in the air! Let me see those knees!

'At this stage, I don't believe that Jack and Tom'

have the enthusiasm required to run a children's party.

You guys, just so you know, you've got a sense right now

of how much energy is required to run a party.

This is serious. It's about having fun seriously.

The masterclass is over,

but while Ryan and Ruby Jo enjoy themselves...

Loving it. It's like being a kid again, playing games

and dressing up, stuff like that.

I've enjoyed it, dressing up and acting like a child.

I don't like acting like an adult, clearly, so this is all right.

..Jack and Tom are dreading what lies ahead.

I was excited for today but now, not so much if I'm really honest.

It's really embarrassing.

The prospect of being surrounded by children is not something

that particularly fills me with joy.

There's just one final briefing.

You'll have to decorate the house, and prepare the tea for the kids

and set it out on the tables with the decorations.

These are two of the best clients that we have

so you have to take the responsibility seriously,

make sure those kids are happy, also make sure the parents are happy.

They're paying clients, paying full price for this,

so you need to make sure that they get their money's worth.

Both groups split up and head off to entertain.

Tom and Jack are hosting a disco-themed party.

Their dancing queen is little Katie.

It's my birthday and I'm six years old today

and I'm having a disco party.

I'm hoping there's going to be lots of dancing

and I'm hoping that there's going to be lights and proper music,

just to make it a proper disco for them.

It's going to be really hard,

-but I really want to do well.

-So do I.

If I'm honest I really want us to fucking blow the house down

-and both make it to the end.

-What was that about swearing, lads?

Meanwhile, also hoping to blow the house down are Ruby Jo and Ryan.

I reckon we should just keep jumping and keep singing

and keep dancing and then there ain't a problem.

Their theme is pirates and princesses.

The birthday girl is four-year-old Eliza.

Thank you!

And paying for the party is mum, Becca.

I expect them to set up decorations, get the food organised,

entertain children, relieve me of that burden.

-Hi! You look different!

-Hi.

The party starts soon

and Jo Jo wants everything ready before the guests arrive.

You've got less than 30 minutes to decorate, get in costume

and prepare the food. You've got to move quick. You can do it.

Not even clean.

With the clock ticking, Ruby Jo and Ryan move as quickly as they can.

But is it too quick?

GLASS SMASHES

-What?!

-Oh my goodness!

-What's happened?

-The wind blew it off.

-Really?

-I didn't even touch it.

After a bad start, and with time running out,

Ruby Jo's feeling flustered.

Sorry.

I ain't got time for this shit.

I know this is an unusual situation to have to deal with at a party.

But just stay calm and once it's cleaned up, just carry on.

-And do the best that you can.

-Yeah, I will, but it weren't my fault.

Fuck! I'm not in the mood to entertain any more.

While Ruby Jo's going to pieces, a mile away,

Jack and Tom have their own set of problems.

-Our costumes are wank.

-That is actually something Ruby wears.

Yeah. Just casually. As she's walking round the house.

We have to do bloody head chef, dog training,

I hate dogs and now I've got to do children.

I don't know how to do that either.

Come on, guys! You're supposed to be disco divas, not party poopers!

-Happy with your costumes?

-They're OK.

No, but we haven't got much choice.

-We've got to hurry up now, got to get inside.

-OK.

-Let's rock and roll.

-This is the birthday girl, Katie.

-Hello, Katie.

-Hi. Are you all right?

-And this is Zara, her little sister.

-Hello.

-Are you aware that it's hot food?

-Er, no.

That you've got to do the food? OK. Well, I'll just go and get the food.

-That's cool.

-You might want to think about timings and all that.

-That's fine.

-OK, no problem.

The boys head off to transform themselves into pop stars.

-Shall we do it?

-Sorry?

They haven't even released a record, but they're already divas!

It was in the contract. Luckily, Mum's picked up the slack.

The guys aren't ready, there's children on the way,

so I'll just put the food on, so it's one less thing to do.

I'm hoping they'll come in, get the food, and take it out

in their character, in costume.

Katie's disco is due to start in five minutes

and the guests who've already arrived have been asked

to wait in the front garden.

-OK, I'll just go down there then.

-We're going to have to go for it.

'I don't think they know what they're doing.'

They're just kind of walking around, doing whatever.

20 children are waiting outside,

and they want to come in and they want to have fun.

And six-year-old Katie is getting worried.

Over at Eliza's house,

the little pirates and princesses are turning up, ready to party.

But their entertainers are nowhere to be seen.

We've not quite set up.

The entertainers aren't in costume yet,

so got a feeling they might be running a bit behind.

-Ryan?

-Yes?

-How are you doing?

-Um...

Hey! Fabulous! OK, come on down, cos they've all arrived.

First out, it's the most dastardly pirate on the seven seas.

My name's Stumpy the Pirate.

Hello, kids! You all alright?

Hey?

But it looks like his ship might be sinking.

Is anyone wanting anything to eat yet?

I just tried talking to them. Like, hi! Is everyone OK?

They were just like...

Don't worry, Ryan, Princess Ruby Jo is coming to the rescue.

Only problem is, she's turned into the wicked witch of South London.

-Are you all right?

-I just can't be arsed.

-Why?

Going home.

You've done half the battle. You've gotten into your costume.

Just want a fag and then I'll be on my way.

How many pirates are good and how many are bad?

Any good pirates?

I'm a good pirate. No?

I'm dreading this cos I hate kids. I like to get drunk at parties.

It's too much responsibility. I'm not even responsible for myself.

-Do any of you princesses live in a big castle?

-Yeah.

-Do you?

-Do you know where the kids are?

-No.

-Ryan, where are the kids?

They're all out in the garden. Just tried to talk to them.

I can't be arsed, I really can't. I just want to go home.

In the world of professional entertaining,

deserting your party is the ultimate sin.

You cannot walk out on a birthday party.

I don't know, she's disappeared. Little bit stressful.

I thought it would be easier with two of us, but... Oh, well.

At Katie's disco party, the boys have finally let the guests in,

15 minutes late.

They haven't actually done any hosting yet,

and the kids are getting restless.

Birthday girl Katie knows her rights.

We want party, we want party, we want party!

-Hello.

-Is everybody hungry?

-Yes!

Do you want some balloons whilst you're waiting for your food?

-Would you like some balloons?

-Yes! We want balloons! We want balloons!

-There we go.

-Birthday girl Katie is hoping she'll get the first crown.

I want a birthday crown now!

-But the boys are ignoring her.

-OK, who wants a purple one?

There we go.

-Can I have a birthday crown now?

-You want what?

Pink! A birthday crown! Now!

There's this word called please!

-I want a pink one now!

-OK.

I'm having a pink birthday!

With the kids running riot, Tom and Jack beat a hasty retreat.

They've got to really start entertaining, doing their job,

because at the moment, the children are entertaining themselves.

They're starting to climb on the roofs,

they're swinging round poles, they're bored and frustrated.

At the pirate and princesses bash, Ruby Jo is still sulking

while her partner Ryan has come under siege.

Birthday girl Eliza is upset because this isn't just a pirate party,

it need its princess.

But unfortunately, she's in no mood to do her royal duty.

-I don't feel like a princess.

-Change that.

I have felt more like a princess in my time just sat in the pub.

I sympathise. I know what it's like to be under pressure,

but I also know what it's like to be a child

and perhaps not have my princess at my party.

This is where you can change it around. This is your opportunity.

You've got my support,

you've got a child in there looking forward to seeing the princess.

Just change the attitude, come back in.

And show the kids what you showed me this morning,

cos you've got it in you.

With Jo Jo's words ringing in her ears,

Ruby Jo returns to the party.

But with the kids losing interest, is it too little, too late?

What Princess are you?

Um...

Are you just a special princess?

Do you know which one I am?

-Belle.

-Aren't you all clever!

Making balloons for kids isn't that bad.

Maybe they're all right. But I'm still not having any.

Look in the sky.

Where do you think they're going?

-Home!

-Home? Where do they live?

In space.

So who wants to help me?

As Ruby Jo's confidence grows,

could it be she's even enjoying herself?

Can anyone say a magic word?

-ALL:

-Abracadabra!

OK, now see what's in the bag.

SHE GASPS

-Shout out, you get the magic wand.

-ALL:

-Me!

Using everything they learned that morning, Ruby Jo and Ryan

finally deliver the party Eliza and Jo Jo have been hoping for.

Do you want glitter?

This is what it's about. They're getting the children laughing,

participating and they're allowing

the belief that there's magic in the party to happen.

THEY GASP

# Happy birthday to you... #

Come on, birthday girl!

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday dear Eliza

# Happy birthday to you. #

But at Tom and Jack's party, there seems to be something missing.

Where's the disco?

Where's the disco?

Where's the disco?

The party is nearly over but there hasn't been a single dance

and one of the guests is distraught.

Why are you upset, darling?

SHE SOBS

It was meant to be a disco?

And you didn't feel like it was a disco?

Sparkles is determined the boys give the kids something

to remember before this party is over.

Put that down, get the music on and dance.

Come on then, let's see it.

THEY LAUGH

-THEY CHANT:

-Higher!

Finally, it all comes to an end.

It's time for the boys to face the music.

It was a bit chaotic to say the least.

-It was meant to be a disco party.

-Yeah.

And there wasn't a disco so that was a big failure.

At no point did I see your character.

You didn't take the encouragement from the children

and you could have really, really made this a fantastic party

and I think you missed out on an opportunity.

Having been read the riot act,

how do Tom and Jack feel about their performance?

I don't think we did horribly bad.

Yeah, I'm not really that interested in children

so it's definitely difficult for me to connect with them.

I would say, you know, I stayed and I did it.

-Well done, Tom.

-To be honest with you, I don't care what I heard back.

We actually tried this time.

We tried. We gave it our best shot.

But, for Sparkles, their best shot was just not good enough.

As a company, we would not accept that

and I would not expect to take any money from you

because they haven't earned it,

so, therefore, they're fired.

-Bye, everyone.

-Bye.

The pirates and princesses party is over.

Have Ruby Jo and Ryan done enough to impress paying mum, Becca?

At the beginning, I felt that you kind of...

You were slow to start.

Yeah, I wasn't looking forward to it that much, to be honest,

cos I don't really like kids.

But then when you did get involved with the kids,

you were amazing so I couldn't see...

I'm just not used to kids, you know. I was a bit nervous about it.

Well, thanks for having us anyway.

No, thank you. Thank you for coming and well done.

I hope she had a good birthday party, in the end.

She certainly did, yeah. You can see by the big smile on her face.

She had a great time so thank you.

Mum might be pleased but as representatives of Jo Jo's company,

have they managed to earn her seal of approval?

If I had to rate the whole thing,

I would definitely have to acknowledge the beginning.

But if I were to split the party into two halves,

the second half was brilliant

and you guys would have work with me, definitely.

The party was a success and Ruby Jo has learned a valuable lesson.

Cos I made myself look bad at the beginning,

I was so worried about actually going in for real

cos I thought everyone would judge me cos I walked out and stuff

but once I got into it I just forgot about the fact I'd walked out.

That was the worst bit, actually going back

from when you've walked away from something.

And what has Captain Stumpy learnt about himself?

I'm still a kid but I'm a grown-up kid

so I'm not a kid any more, actually. No, I'm an adult.

It's the evening before the elimination

when the parents will decide who goes through to the final.

What the fuck can I do with my hair?

But our gang are more worried about going out for a drink

and of course looking their best.

-I look in the mirror about two, three times a day.

-Bullshit.

As a friend, that is a load of crap.

But tonight, Jack and Tom have bigger problems than their looks.

Me and Tom tried to do the sperm donating thing to earn money

but that didn't work out so we have no money.

But we're adamant to still get drunk.

Ryan and Ruby Jo have been sensible with their money this week

and they're taking pity on Jack and Tom.

They're wankers. The wankers have not got a penny.

We've got £15 each and me and him are buying them both a drink each.

What are you having?

-Final four.

-To the final four.

You'd expect the boys to be grateful for a free drink.

It's really strange for someone like Ruby to buy me a drink.

-It felt abnormal.

-It felt a bit low

-to have them both buying us drinks.

-It was horrible.

Their lack of appreciation isn't going unnoticed by Ruby Jo

who's still not forgiven them for hiding money earlier in the week.

You know like how the other day when you two kept your money

a secret from us and left me and Ryan starving?

It just came to mind that, you know, I didn't think about it before

but I just thought how we didn't think twice

about sharing our money with you.

-You are properly... you are piss takers.

-We're not!

You take the piss out of everything.

Earlier I felt like it was a nice thing to buy them a drink

because obviously they haven't got any money.

Yeah, I feel totally different about the situation now.

With Ryan's help, Ruby Jo decides to drown her sorrows.

But the drink just makes her mood worse.

They rely on us for everything.

How to cook, how to clean, how to do everything.

They've got no mind of their own.

I came into this house knowing that I need to change

and they've come in and not done fuck all.

It really annoys me.

Drunk and angry, Ruby Jo storms home on her own.

And when the others return,

she's ready to give them a piece of her mind.

You can come in, I don't know about...

Is that how it is now? Getting violent, are we?

Fucking pair of wankers.

I'm saying I don't want to live with you any more.

I don't want to live with fucking you!

Fucking waste of spaces.

You tell me what you've done.

Fuck all since you've been in here.

Fucking idiot.

I wish we weren't in this house

cos things would be seriously different right now.

Oh my God.

That is fucking entertainment for you.

I'm not letting a pair of fucking wankers ruin my fucking life.

You two have done fuck all since you've been here.

You have not changed since the day I first met you both.

You're a lazy fucking boring shit.

And you're fucking vain as fucking hell.

So there we fucking go.

Good fucking night. I fucking had it through with...

Ruby Jo might be angry, but this time, has she gone too far?

I put my hands up, I haven't done much around the house. It's just...

You know, it's completely out of order.

-I know it is.

-It's unnecessary as well.

Even her loyal friend Ryan can't believe what she's done.

I don't know why she behaved like that.

Obviously she's still my friend so I don't want to slag her off

but she shouldn't have gone off how she has tonight.

Part of me just wants to go. I just don't want to live with her.

Wait till tomorrow for the elimination.

-Stick it out.

-If anyone's got common sense, they'll get rid of her.

I'll be honest with you now, if there's any...

-..justice in the world...

-In the universe.

-..she'll be going.

Unaware of the ugly scenes from last night,

the parents gather to see who gets the boot and who goes to the final.

To make their decision, they'll be watching footage

of their little darlings living and working together.

With no food in the house,

Tom and Jack's mums see their boys holding out on Ryan and Ruby Jo.

She's extremely pissed off but I fucking love it, I'm sorry.

She spent her our money on fags. She can eat her cigarettes,

she can eat the box.

There was part of me that was thinking,

what they've done was not right,

but there was also part of me that was thinking,

I know that Tom doesn't smoke.

So, I can see that Ruby was standing there with cigarettes

while she was being cross with them.

In fairness, they were all a team,

they should've been shared amongst them all.

That's what they do in restaurants, isn't it? The bar staff.

You know, I think, really, it should've been for them all.

The parents are impressed by Ruby Jo and Ryan's cleaning business.

£8 is fine.

We're like doing it for any money. We haven't got a set price.

I like that with Ryan, with the price, with that lady,

that was good.

They were out to earn whatever money they could earn.

£8, that was great.

But Tom and Jack's mums are embarrassed

by their sons' money-making scheme.

We can go and we'll wank into a little pot and get paid for it.

-We're going to give a beautiful baby.

-Exactly.

And we get paid for it.

I can't believe that with Jack.

I can't believe that with Jack, why he'd come out with that.

Easy option, isn't it?

Could you imagine a world full of those two? Cloned.

Next, the parents see them at work as children's entertainers

and for Ruby Jo's mum, Jo, it's a hard watch.

I can't be arsed, I really can't.

Ryan's mum's impressed to see her son

trying to keep the party going on his own.

-My name's Stumpy, the pirate.

-Stumpy!

But Ruby Jo did return to work and put on a great birthday party.

What Princess are you?

You just a special princess?

Do you know which one I am?

-Belle.

-You're clever.

That first bit was like the Ruby that we've seen before.

If she can't do something, she'll just storm out.

I thought, is she going to ruin it for herself?

Then halfway through, she pulled it off.

Well done for Ruby.

I'm proud of her for pulling herself together.

She does say she doesn't like kids when I think she does really.

Ryan was brilliant.

He surprised me actually.

Last week, the boys were advised not to work together

by their parents, but at the children's party,

they chose to ignore this and their mums are not happy.

I don't think we did horribly bad.

I'm not really that interested in children,

so it was definitely difficult for me to connect with them.

I'm a bit disappointed.

I thought they'd be a bit more enthusiastic.

They didn't seem to think about that, they just let them run riot.

I actually thought that they might just pull this one off.

It is a shame that we didn't see them apart.

Finally, it's last night's drinking session,

followed by Ruby Jo's angry outburst.

You tell me what you want fucking done.

Something the parents don't enjoy watching.

-Oh my God!

-You've done fuck all since you've been here.

I'm actually glad Tom walked away from Ruby

because I think she was really trying to provoke him.

I'm pretty proud Jack and Tom didn't react to that.

Jack's normally snappy and opposite from what he's been in there.

I think it was her anger coming out

but I think from the sounds of it, maybe she has been wound up.

They've seen the footage, now they must choose the two kids they think

have performed the worst this week.

Only one of them will be leaving the house.

I think Jack and Tom haven't done very much in the house.

They need to be parted

otherwise they're not going to be themselves, are they.

The words that I keep using a lot, is lack of enthusiasm.

Just not showing enough.

That bit in the last clip, when I thought

we're going back to square one when she went off in a huff,

I think you get to a point where you can't keep making excuses.

At the house, the gang are waiting to find out

who'll be going through to the final week.

After last night, the atmosphere is frosty.

They've no idea which parents will walk through the door

and give them the verdict.

This week, the parents have decided that Tom and Jack

were the least deserving, but only one of them will get the boot.

So, you guys can go upstairs.

This is going to be awkward whoever comes up the stairs.

End of the day, we need to be civil,

we've got to live with each other for another four days.

Jack, you're in the bottom two this week

because that job you've done with the children's parties,

it didn't seem like you really wanted to be there.

But on the other side, what we seen, you've kept your cool

and your anger and I'm really proud about that.

Tom, the reason you were in the bottom two

was because that kids party, it really wasn't great.

You weren't interacting, but in fairness to you,

you did say at the end,

"I don't really like this. Normally I'd have just walked away."

-You didn't.

-I'd have gone if it weren't for Jack.

Well, that's good. I think that's the thing with both of you.

You kept each other going.

Like you say, whichever one of you goes through,

one of you could win this.

You honestly could.

But which one is going to miss out on a chance of being in the final?

-Jack, you're going.

-Cool.

Do it for me.

I'll try.

You'll do well.

It was really, really hard

because it's almost like we feel you're both our boys.

-This is mine and Tom's bedroom.

-Oh my God!

This is how we've actually been sleeping.

-It's awesome, isn't it?

-How could you sleep like that?

Your bed wouldn't normally be like that, Jack.

-Normally you'd make it for me.

-You'll be doing it yourself now.

Give it everything you've got

and don't start freaking out and going, "Oh, I can't do it."

-I'm not freaking out.

-No, just focus, you can do it.

-Bye-bye, love you.

-You too.

Really love you. I'm really proud of you.

-Good luck.

-See you man.

It's the end of their love story.

They met, they became best friends and they fell in love.

Bye Tom.

See you again, best of luck. You've got to win.

But, like all good things, their love must come to an end.

MUSIC: I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston

You're the hero.

As Tom lives to fight another day,

Jack leaves the house, still young, dumb, and living off Mum.

Next week, from the selfish to the selfless.

The final three are faced with their biggest challenge...

I'll be honest, I'm close to giving up.

Feel like shit today. It's mission impossible.

To project manage a dream makeover for people who really deserve it.

When I got ill, we had to stop doing everything we wanted to do.

But, with time and money running out, can they deliver?

These walls been painted?

Erm... Erm... Erm...

-Tom, you need to make a decision.

-My mind's everywhere.

-I'm losing the plot.

-Are you allowed to bend carpets?

And who'll impress the parents enough to win

the ultimate round the world trip?

The winner is...

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