Bedknobs and Broomsticks

# Treguna, mekoides

# Trecorum, satis, dee

# Treguna, mekoides

# Trecorum, satis, dee

# Treguna, mekoides

# Trecorum, satis, dee

# Treguna, mekoides

# Trecorum, satis, dee... #

SEAGULLS CALL

You there. Which way to Pepperinge Eye?

Couldn't say. It said on the wireless to paint out signposts

in case the Nazis drop in.

But I'm a British Officer.

That's what you'd say if you was a Nazi, sir.

Drive on, Corporal.

DOG BARKS

Sorry to give you so many but you have six bedrooms.

No trouble. Anything to get

the poor things away from the awful bombings in London. Come along, now.

What about us?

Oh, yes. What is your name, please?

Rawlins, ma'am.

Rawlins? Oh, yes, here we are. Carrie,

Charles,

Paul. Oh, you're for Miss Price. I'm expectin' her in.

< # Call out the Navy... #

I won't be a moment. Don't touch anything.

# Call out the tanks

# From the cliffs of Dover call up the gulls

# And don't forget the loyal Territorials

# But who's digging in here, who will defend

# Every inch of England no matter what they send?

# Who's standing firm in our own front yard?

# The soldiers of the old Home Guard, that's who

# The soldiers of the old Home Guard

# For we wrote the story of the old brigade

# We know the glory of yesterday's parades

# Who's standing firm in our own front yard?

# The soldiers of the old Home Guard, that's who

# The soldiers of the old Home Guard! #

-Halt!

-Carry on, Sergeant!

Captain Greer, from headquarters at Tidbury.

Here to check military preparations in the area.

We have matters well in hand.

But, nevertheless... What on earth is that?

ENGINE BACKFIRES

Good morning, General.

I received your message. I assume my parcel has arrived.

-It's in the office.

-Ah, lovely.

Who is that?

Miss Price. Her late father served with me at Vimy Ridge.

It smells like sulphur burning.

Ridiculous. One can't make motor fuel out of sulphur.

Here we are. Another object from Prof Emelius Browne in London.

Is it what you expected?

I imagine so.

He sent you a cat last time, did he not?

Yes.

Professor Browne is well?

I have no idea.

Are we to have the pleasure of meeting him?

I doubt it. I don't know him personally. Is there anything else?

There is. Come this way.

-I'm anxious to get home.

-Come along, please.

CHILDREN SHOUTING

Stop it this instant!

This is Miss Price.

Carrie, Charles and Paul Rawlins, all the way from London.

How do you do?

How are you, miss?

The Government's evacuating as many children as possible to the country.

Today they sent 45. I've had to find homes for them at short notice.

These are the last three. OK, pick up your things.

You're not suggesting I take them into my house?

Exactly.

Oh, it's quite out of the question. Children and I don't get on.

-I believe you. Come on, back to London.

-Hooray!

Be quiet!

And I have important work to do.

You do have that house to yourself.

This order from the Ministry of Civil Defence

says you have no choice.

I see. If that is the case, I'll take them - on the understanding

you find them a more suitable home as soon as possible.

Fine. Come along.

Ah, good morning, Miss Price. There they are.

What a charitable thing you are doing,

taking in these poor unfortunates.

Hold this carefully.

-May I drop by later this afternoon?

-Why?

We have their spiritual needs to consider.

It's not necessary. They won't be with me for long.

ENGINE BACKFIRES

My parcel, please. Bring your things inside.

A bit murky, ain't it?

Yeah. Not another house around here for miles.

Wipe your feet.

Big place, this. Who else lives here?

I live alone. It suits my purpose.

All right, come along, everybody.

CAT HISSES

THEY GASP

CAT YOWLS

Sorry, miss. The cat startled us.

No need for alarm. You just frightened him.

Yes, he's scared to death(!) You can see that(!)

-What do you call him?

-Animals shouldn't have silly names.

Cosmic Creepus is the name he came with.

You will sleep in here. This was my father's bedroom.

I want you to be very careful of everything in it.

You boys take the bed.

-What was your name again?

-It's Carrie, miss.

You sleep on the sofa. Is that all you brought?

We ain't exactly burdened down with frillies. Travel light, that's us.

I don't think this arrangement will work,

but it seems I have no alternative.

-We'll do our best.

-Thank you.

The bathroom is along the landing. Supper is at 6. You'll wash...

Wash?!

You will wash yourselves, otherwise there'll be no supper. Am I clear?

A house of horror, that's what we've come to.

INAUDIBLE WHISPERS

Don't whisper. I am exceptionally keen of hearing.

You plan to run back to London. If you have more plotting to do,

do it elsewhere where I shan't have to listen to it.

I don't know what children eat.

You'll have to make do as I do. Is there anything you fancy?

Sausage and mash. Bubble and squeak. Toad-in-the-hole.

Fried fish. Oh, anything at all.

You won't find any fried foods in this house.

No fried food?

How d'you keep your health?

Cabbage buds, rosehips, glyssop seed, elm bark,

whortle yeast and stewed nettles.

Miaow!

"With this shipment, the Emelius Browne Correspondence College

"of Witchcraft congratulates you on qualifying for the first degree of

"your chosen calling. You may call yourself 'apprentice witch'.

"Yours faithfully, Emelius Browne."

My first broom!

Time to go. Everybody up.

Wake up. We're going back to London.

Now, let's see how we fly this thing. Here we are.

"Clasp the broom with both hands."

Yes, of course.

"Never astride the broom." Of course. "A witch is always a lady,

"except when circumstances dictate otherwise.

"Take an easy, graceful sideways position."

Of course, that's much better. An easy, graceful sideways position.

There we are. How's that?

"Now,

"to start up the broom, your basic formula,

"lakipo, nikrif, scrumpet, leetch."

I wasn't ready!

Lakipo, nikrif, scrumpet, leetch.

Miaow!

Now watch this.

Here we go.

Lakipo, nikrif, scrumpet, leetch!

Miaow!

Ohh!

It's going to be a little different this time.

-Miaow!

-All right,

I know it's not ladylike. Lakipo, nikrif, scrumpet, leetch!

CAT GROWLS

Miaow!

-Cor!

-What's the matter?

'Ow does she do that?

Cos she's a witch. That's the sort of thing witches do.

Ohh!

Ahh!

She don't fly good, do she?

Aaah! Aaah!

Aaaaaah!

-She's crashed!

-Come on! Now's our chance to hop it.

-Suppose she's hurt?

-Go on. You can't hurt a witch.

Look out!

She's cross now. Let's get away from here.

Hang on. I'm having a bit of a think.

A witch she is, says you. Then let's use the old loaf, says I.

-Let's get back to London.

-We have an opportunity here.

She don't want anyone to know she's a witch.

Not ruddy likely!

That's the opportunity. And I intend to make the most of it. Come on.

Bran porridge.

Thank you, miss.

Very healthful, I'm sure.

-Hurt your foot, Miss Price?

-Just twisted my ankle.

-Sorry to hear that.

-Thank you. It's nothing serious.

Lovely weather for flying last night.

Why did you say that, Charles?

The game's up, Miss Price. We know what you are.

I see.

Don't worry, Miss Price. No-one's gonna peach on ya.

Thank you. I should be most grateful

if you didn't tell anyone in the village.

There'll have to be one or two changes made around here.

I'd like to see an occasional sausage on the table. Jam...

Charlie!

Let me handle this.

There'll be no more of this wash, wash, wash, mornin' and night.

Anything else?

Now you mention it, I could do with a bit of lolly.

Lolly?

CAT GROWLS

Cash. Cold hard cash. You must have buckets of it.

For your information, the most accomplished of witches

can't make money out of thin air. Have you ever heard of a rich witch?

Be that as it may, you don't want us to blab.

Have you considered what danger you might be in? I am a witch, you know?

CAT HISSES

What will you do? Turn me into a toad?

Lovely. A toad with pink eyes.

I might just do that.

Go on, then. I dare ya!

Very well, Charles.

You shouldn't have said that.

She don't frighten me. She can't even ride a broom.

Excuse me, Charles.

"Filigree, apogee,

"pedigree, perigee."

Oh, Charlie!

That's better than a toad. That's a rabbit.

Bother. I never seem to be able to manage toads.

CAT YOWLS

Stop! Leave him alone!

Don't let him get hurt.

My spells don't last long. I'm just an apprentice.

CAT YOWLS

Look out, Charlie!

You flamin' brute!

Miaow!

I'll teach you to do that to me!

Let Cosmic Creepus alone! It weren't his fault.

It's my fault. Bad enough not being able to manage a broom,

I can't perform a simple basic spell.

You dared her to do it. Why can't we all be friends?

Maybe she's not a wicked witch.

Of course I'm not.

See?

If only I could trust you. My work is so important to the war effort.

How do you mean?

I mean exceptionally important. Most secret.

What do you say? We can keep a secret.

Yeah. If someone made it worth our while.

I don't follow.

Simple. You give us something valuable to seal the pact.

Don't try to be clever again.

It's for our own protection.

If we broke the pact, we'd have to give back

the valuable object.

I think it's an excellent idea! I wonder what I could give you?

Would you settle for one of my spells?

Bet that's not worth much.

Come with me.

I liked you better as a rabbit.

-Shut up, you!

-Well, I never had a rabbit.

Careful what you touch in here.

Rum sort of place, ain't it?

When I signed for my witchcraft course there was a free bonus,

a marvellous travelling spell, if you paid in advance.

-I'll give you that one.

-Is it valuable?

Certainly.

Poisoned dragon's liver?!

Poisoned dragon liver.

You poisoned the dragon or just the liver?

It comes prepared. It's part of the school equipment. Ah, here we are.

The travelling spell. All right, everybody, gather around.

All right, now, let's see.

Does anyone have a bracelet or a ring, something you can twist?

No, Miss Price.

-What about you, Paul?

-I carry a few things around.

You never know when they may come in useful.

Piece of blue glass, lovely bit of string. Horseshoe nail.

What's that?

Knob. Come from the bed upstairs.

-It twists, don't it?

-Yeah. Twisted right off.

Yes, I think that will be all right.

Carrie, turn the light down a bit, will you?

"Hellebore, henbane, aconite...

"..glow-worm fire, firefly light!"

There, isn't that pretty?

Is that all we get?

This knob will now work the famous travelling spell.

What's the famous travelling spell?

How does it work?

You take this knob and put it back on the bed.

Turn it a quarter turn to the left.

In a clear voice, tell it where you want to go. And it will take you.

Go on!

-Will it really?

-I see no reason to think otherwise.

Oh, thank you for the lovely gift.

Sorry, it belongs to Paul. He's the only one who can work the spell.

Me?

Yes.

That's right. My knob, weren't it?

-That's the way the spell works.

-Nice mess he'll make of things.

Oh, bother. You children run upstairs.

Don't try anything with the bedknob till I get back.

'Dear Madam, it grieves me to inform you that due to the war

'we've been forced to close down our College of Witchcraft.

'So we shan't be sending you the final lesson

'in which you expressed so much interest.'

What's keeping you?

I've had some very bad news.

-Can we do anything?

-No. No, thank you.

-Yes. Yes, there is something that Paul can do.

-Me?

I need the bedknob back. I must get to London immediately.

No. I want to go to the jungle.

Come with me, Paul.

Now, ridiculous as it may seem

to have to explain this to a six- year-old, but I do need your help.

Go ahead.

I was expecting an important spell in the mail from my teacher,

Prof Emelius Browne, and it hasn't come.

What's that got to do with my knob?

I must go to London now and see him.

With his help, we may be able to bring this war to a successful end.

That is why I need the knob. What is your decision?

Thank you, Paul.

I brought this for your hair, Carrie. It may be windy.

-Thank you. It's ever so nice.

-Paul, have you been to the bathroom?

Twice.

Charles, put on something warmer. The bed may travel quite fast.

I'm not going. I'm staying here.

But why, Charlie?

All that rubbish about a travelling bed. It won't work. That's why.

Carrie, help me to pull the bed out.

We don't want to scratch the wall when we take off.

How's a ruddy big bed gonna get out of here with those little windows?

I don't know. There's a great many things about magic I don't know.

We'll just have to find out.

Lovely. Just so's you leave me out of it.

I don't fancy makin' a fool of myself.

What's come over you lately? You're no fun anymore.

Help me tidy up the bed, Carrie.

We don't want to go with an unmade bed. How old is Charles?

11, going on 12.

I see. That's what my father used to call the age of "not believing".

What's that supposed to be?

# When you rush around in hopeless circles

# Searching everywhere for something true

# You're at the age of not believing

# When all the make believe is through... #

That's Charlie to a "T".

# When you set aside your childhood heroes

# And your dreams are lost upon a shelf

# You're at the age of not believing

# And worst of all you doubt yourself... #

Throw that into the waste basket.

# You're a castaway where no-one hears you

# On a barren isle in a lonely sea... #

What's that meant to be? Poetry?

# Where did all the happy endings go?

# Where can all the good times be? #

Everyone on the bed who's going.

# You must face the age of not believing

# Doubting everything you ever knew... #

The knob, Paul.

# Until at last you start believing

# There's something wonderful in you... #

Lovely sentiment, I'm sure.

-Are you ready, Paul?

-Yes, Miss Price.

Repeat after me.

Take us to Professor Emelius Browne...

Take us to Professor...

-..Emelius Browne.

-Very good.

Headmaster, Correspondence College of Witchcraft.

Headmaster,

Correspondence

College...

..Of Witchcraft, London.

Of Witchcraft, London.

Now, when I say "go",

tap the knob three times and turn it a quarter turn to the left.

-..Left.

-That's it.

We'd better hold on tight.

The behaviour of the bed is something I'm not quite sure of.

Let me breathe a little!

All right, Paul? Ready? Go.

One...

two...

three...

CAT GROWLS

Is this London?

Course it is. Can't you smell that lovely sooty air?

-Marvellous, ain't it?

-Charles, are you convinced?

Not yet. I don't see no Prof Browne.

Neither do I. Look after the bed while I make inquiries for him.

I told you this bed wouldn't work.

Don't start that again.

It didn't work proper. It was meant to take us to...

Look!

Professor Browne.

Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen, gather around, please!

Please note the name, ladies and gentlemen! Prof Emelius Browne.

I'm here to divert, to amuse, and yes, even to help you!

There he is!

It is not what things are...

..it is what they seem to be. Is that not so, madam?

He ain't the kind of professor I expected.

He won't be the kind Miss Price expected, either.

What effect a little smoke is!

With a dash of hocus-pocus and the scent of burning...

And the scent of burning sulphur in the air.

For my next trick, may I draw your attention to

this solid piece of window glass framed in an ordinary frame?

May I also draw your attention to this ordinary steel nail?

I shall place the framed glass

in this brown, unprepared,

unprepared, mark you, ladies and gentlemen, brown paper bag.

I shall now attempt to drive the steel nail through the glass

without breaking the glass! Impossible,

I can hear you say. We shall see.

GLASS BREAKS

He ain't very good, even if he is a professor.

I tell you what I'm going to do. No, ladies, don't go.

Don't leave now and regret lost opportunities later.

You, young sir, would you care to warble like the storied nightingale?

With this inexpensive device

you can charm the very birds down from the trees, like so.

HE WARBLES

How much?

For you, sir, one penny.

One copper coin of the realm.

RASPBERRY-LIKE SOUND

Carrie, I'm surprised at you, wandering off like this.

We found Professor Browne for you.

It don't work. I've been cheated.

Is that Professor Browne?

It is. How may I serve you? Would you be interested in the mating call

of the Brazilian matouacan bird, known as the bird of love?

-HE TWEETS

-Very useful, eh?

You're the headmaster of the College of Witchcraft?

Late headmaster. The college is now defunct.

Prof Browne, I'm one of your pupils.

My dear lady, you are indeed an ornament to the college.

Not at all.

I was shocked when you closed it down

without that most important last lesson.

Sorry, my dear, no refunds.

Look at your contract.

I must have the spell that comes with that lesson!

The matter is closed. Good day. I have an appointment at my club.

The matter is not closed. Don't let him get away.

Righto!

THEY SHOUT

Leave go of me... Would you mind...?

Bash him up, Paul!

Would you get this child off my leg?

"Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee!"

Cor!

Now, I trust you'll behave more like a gentleman.

Look out!

Well, there goes another rabbit.

What was all that about?

I changed you into a rabbit with one of your spells.

My spell? From my school?!

Not one of your best. It doesn't last

very long. Some of your others are much better.

But I don't understand. My spell?

They were just nonsense words I got out of an old book.

They work perfectly well for me!

They work for you?

Good woman, some kind of destiny has brought us together.

You got the words out of an old book?

More or less.

I changed them round a bit. I gave them my own style.

The old sorcerers had a tendency

to waffle on. But, dear lady,

I never thought I'd meet somebody like you. What a treasure.

Will you please stick to the point! I would like to see this book

immediately.

Certainly. It's at my new town house. Would you join me for lunch?

We can discuss my ideas at the same time.

Thank you. We'd be delighted.

We shall all go together.

On the bed?

On the bed, Paul. Come along.

You go round the other side. I always travel on the left.

Will you give the address to Paul, please?

How are we going to get there on this bed? Fly?

With your own travelling spell.

The one you gave with the course as a bonus.

My travelling spell? That works as well?

Just give the address.

8 Wynchfield Road.

Bed,

take us to 8 Wynchfield Road.

TINKLES

Madam, is this vehicle safe?

Oh, perfectly safe. A bit theatrical perhaps, but most good spells are.

Well, we're here. I would never have believed it.

This must be the wrong address. You don't live here.

In point of fact, I do. Temporarily.

I found the front door open, the house was deserted.

Everyone has left the neighbourhood.

Why should they do that?

This probably has something to do with it.

Merciful heavens!

Aren't you terrified at the idea of living here?

You'd have thought so.

I am a coward. But then I pondered, as I often do

in the perverse nature of things,

this object is probably the best friend I've ever had.

It enables me, for the first time, to live like a king.

Shall we go in?

Rothschild '26. Noble, worldly-wise,

but with a charming touch of innocence.

Mr Browne, the book.

-Where is it?

-You are relentless.

It is in the library. We'll proceed there once we've eaten.

Why are the curtains closed?

So we may enjoy the gentle glow of candlelight.

More likely so's a copper don't peek in and see you here.

Why don't you look around? I want a chat with Miss Price.

May we?

Yes. But don't touch anything.

Remember, this house does not belong to Mr Browne.

Where is that book? I need the spell on substitutiary locomotion.

What is it? A toy shop?

No, it's a nursery.

Ain't you never seen a nursery?

No. And neither have you!

Would you hold this, please?

What do you think of that?

Well, I don't know what to think.

Think how successful I could be with an assistant who can do magic.

Oh?

Have you ever considered entering show business?

The what business?

The theatre. Pantomimes, village fairs,

the seaside! Brighton, Blackpool. Follies on the prom.

I have very important work to do.

We could make a packet.

# Let us strike a bargain

# You possess a gift

# But I can speak the jargon that will give your gift the needed lift

# You possess the know-how and I command the show-how

# Oh, how successful you could be with me... #

We're wasting valuable time.

-What's your name?

-Miss Price.

-Your first name.

-Eglantine.

-Eglantine...

# Eglantine, Eglantine

# Oh, how you'll shine

# Your lot and my lot have got to combine

# Eglantine, Eglantine, hark to the stars

# Destiny calls us, the future is ours

# As the shine sells the boot and the blossoms the fruit

# All you need to succeed in your plan

# Is the proper ally upon whom to rely

# And I'm your man

# For I have an acumen that's nigh superhuman

# I sell things that nobody can

# So I humbly suggest you accept my behest

# I'm your man

# Eglantine, Eglantine... #

Mr Browne!

# Oh, how you'll shine... #

Please stop that!

# Your lot and my lot have got to combine

# Eglantine, Eglantine, hark to the stars

# Destiny calls us... #

What are you reading?

Isle Of Naboombu.

-Can't be no such place.

-There is too such a place.

These pictures prove it.

Bit weird, ain't it?

Animals wearing hats and things.

I like it.

I warned you, Mr Browne.

Now, where is the book? Well, where is it?

At last, Mr Browne!

The Spells of Astoroth.

Of course.

Ah, the travelling spell. This is where you got it.

Does one's nose have to twitch like this?

Oh, you're back, Mr Browne.

A word about your tactics.

I don't mind being changed into a hawk or tiger,

or something with a bit of dash to it, but a rabbit! It's intolerable!

Ah, here we are!

Substitutiary locomotion.

"The ancient art of..."

"The spell

"which creates this force

"is five mystic words.

"These words are..."

But the rest of the book is missing.

Now you see why I closed the college.

But where are the other pages?

Haven't the foggiest.

-Listen to me, Mr Browne.

-I'm all ears.

You will be if you don't listen. Where did you get the book?

From a chap in the market.

There was some unpleasantness. He said I'd given him a dud coin.

There was a scuffle. The book tore. He got one half, I got the other.

Where's the other half now?

Probably been thrown away. If it still exists,

-there's only one place it'll be.

-Where is it?

# Portobello Road!

# Portobello Road!

# Street where the riches of ages are stowed

# Anything and everything a chap can unload

# Is sold off the barrow in Portobello Road

# You'll find what you want in the Portobello Road

-# Rare alabaster

-Genuine plaster

# A filigreed samovar owned by the tsars

-# A pen used by Shelley

-A new Botticelli

# The snippers that clipped old King Edward's cigars... #

Made in Hong Kong. Two bob a dozen, would you say?

-# Waterford crystal!

-Napoleon's pistols

# Society heirlooms with genuine gems!

# Rembrandts, El Grecos Toulouse-Lautrecos

# Painted last week on the banks of the Thames... #

Very interesting. But where do they sell books?

A place around the corner.

ALL: # Portobello Road, Portobello Road

# Street where the riches of ages are stowed

# Anything and everything a chap can unload

# Is sold off the barrow in Portobello Road

# You'll meet all your chums in the Portobello Road... #

Lovely to see you. Goodbye.

What I want is the other half of this book.

All in good time, my dear.

# Burke's Peerage, The Bride Book, The Fishmonger's Guide Book... #

I'm looking for the other part of this, thank you.

# Victorian novels The Unwanted Son

You don't understand...

-# The History of Potting

-The Yearbook of Yachting

# The leather-bound life of Attila The Hun

# Portobello Road, Portobello Road

# Street where the riches of ages are stowed

# Artefacts to glorify a regal abode

# Are hidden in the flotsam in Portobello Road... #

Who do you think you are? The Queen of Sheba?

# Tokens and treasures Yesterday's pleasures

# Cheap imitations and heirlooms of old

# Dented and tarnished Scarred and unvarnished

# In old Portobello... #

This lady is looking for the other half of this book.

It's called The Spells of Astoroth.

I don't keep no torn or damaged books here.

What d'you think I am? A ruddy wastepaper merchant?

# You can eat like a king in the Portobello Road... #

If I'm right, there's another book stall along here.

Grandpa, you don't expect to sell a piano like that? Let me have a go.

Ohh!

-UPBEAT:

-# Portobello Road! Portobello Road!

# Happy things are happening in Portobello Road!

# You feel like a ballerina when you're hopping like a toad

# When you kick your heels up down in Portobello Road... #

BAND PLAYS JAZZ MUSIC

ALL LAUGH

BAGPIPE MUSIC

SCOTTISH REEL

Come on, ducks!

Come on, girls!

Lovely!

CALYPSO MUSIC: Oh yeah, play them drums!

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

JAZZ MUSIC

-BELL RINGS

-Closing time!

Closing time! Closing time!

Closing time! Closing time!

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Bye.

# Portobello Road!

# Portobello Road!

# Street where the riches

# Of ages are stowed

# Anything and everything a chap can unload... #

Hey, guv'nor!

Oi! Somethin' for the lady friend? Nylons?

No, thank you.

Petrol coupons? Chocs for the kids?

How about these? Fell off the back of a lorry.

-Be a good chap and run away.

-Would you fancy this, then?

Ah, now you have my undivided attention. What can I do for you?

Get over to the bookman straight away. He wants to see you. You, too.

Who is the bookman? What right has he got to order me about?

Let's ask questions later. Excuse me.

Sorry. No-one mentioned the stairs.

Why didn't you bring Scotland Yard?

And half the Household Cavalry as well?! What's the bed for?!

A present for ya. That's what he said.

Nothing of the sort! It belongs to me!

And this knob is mine.

There's been bad blood

between us long enough. Let this gift begin friendship anew.

Draw the curtains, lock the door.

You'll be snug as a bug.

Isn't that what we've been looking for?

Who is this person?

Eglantine Price, a charming woman of my acquaintance.

I've been looking for this other bit a long time.

Mr Swinburne told me you were in the market making inquiries.

I don't mind saying, to see it altogether at last,

there isn't much I wouldn't do.

Or haven't done, for that matter. Right, guv?

Close your mouth, Swinburne! Is that clear?!

It's all rather like a jolly detective story, or jigsaw puzzle.

We're both after the same spell.

You have one clue, I have the other.

In that case, the sensible thing seems to be for us to cooperate.

Yes. I assume you're looking for the same thing I am.

May I?

This is quite a moment for both of us.

"Substitutiary locomotion, the lost miracle of the Ancients."

And so on and so forth. Ah, here we are.

"The spell which creates this force is five mystic words.

"These words are..."

"Engraved on the star always worn by the sorcerer Astoroth."

Where are the words of the spell?

I assumed they'd be in your half of the manuscript.

I thought they'd be in yours.

Once again,

a dead end.

I shall never know the secret.

Isn't that Astoroth? There's his star.

It's so small you can't read the writing.

But why the animals?

Towards the end of his life, he kept animals in cages

and searched for the spells that'd make them more like humans.

The legend is the animals rebelled at the experiment,

killed Astoroth, and stole many of his powers.

Including the star with the spell on it.

Possibly. They found a ship, sailed away, and were never heard of again.

However, there's a final notation in my half of the book, saying that

in the 17th century, a shipwrecked lascar was taken from the sea,

half mad with thirst and exposure to the sun. Before he died,

he swore he had seen an island ruled by animals.

Where?

There is, I regret to say, no such island.

I looked for it in every chart. The Isle of Naboombu

does not exist.

Oh, it does too! Got me own...

What is he trying to say?

Nothing. When he don't say nothing he burbles.

I wish the child to speak!

Now you've done it.

There is, too, such a place.

Got me own book. There. Real pretty letters, ain't it?

Let me see it.

You're not interested. It's a child's book.

I'll decide for myself. Give it.

No!

Please don't annoy me. Give me the book, boy.

Not likely.

Bit of a stalemate, isn't it?

If it's all the same to you, I'd rather use my own. Sentiment.

Come along, Paul. It's time to go.

Go? How, my dear?

The door is locked.

Observe the fundamental weakness of the criminal mind.

You believe in no-one or anything.

I understand. The knob.

Do you realise we can tell them the truth?

They will believe nothing!

He's up to something, you know?

Bookman, before your very eyes, I shall cause this bed to disappear.

Disappear? I'd like to see a cheap-jack, 10th-rate entertainer

do a trick like that.

Cheap-jack entertainer! That was naughty.

-All right, Paul.

-Where to?

The island of Naboombu. I'm curious about that place.

Good. Bed, take us to the island of Naboombu.

TINKLES

Enough of this nonsense. Get the book.

WIND WHISTLES

SPLASH!

Beastly climate. I never did fancy the sea.

Where are we?

Naboombu, of course.

I ain't never seen no island like this before.

We may have fallen into the lagoon.

That's right. Here we are, on page three.

Oi, Mr Codfish!

Hello, young fellow. Welcome to Naboombu Lagoon.

Now I'm hearing things. Fish don't talk.

Not too bright, is he?

He's me brother.

Oh? Sorry.

Mr Codfish, where is the island of Naboombu?

You mean the land part? Oh, that.

Straight up. You can't miss it.

None of my business, of course, but I shouldn't go there if I were you.

Having troubles, they are.

Troubles?

He's right, you know. A lot of trouble.

Trouble or not, let's get along. I wish to see who's in charge.

What's the rush? It's splendid down here. For you.

Oh, thank you.

NEIGHS

# How pleasant bobbing along

# Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea

# What a chance

# To get a better peep at the plants

# And creatures of the deep

# We glide

# Far below the rolling tide

# Serene

# Through the bubbly blue and green

# It's lovely bobbing along

# Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea

# What if the octopus, the flounder and the cod think we're rather odd?

# It's fun to promenade

# Bobbing along, singing a song

# On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea... #

Look!

THEY PLAY "BOBBING ALONG"

THEY GURGLE TUNE

HE PERFORMS SOLO

CLACKING CASTANETS

THEY SIZZLE

# It's lovely bobbing along

# Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea

# What a chance to get a better peep

# At the plants and creatures of the deep

# It's grand

# When you're dancing on the sand

# Each glance

# Bubbles over with romance

# It's lovely bobbing along

# Bobbing along through the water where we get along...swimmingly

# Far from the frenzy of the frantic world above

# Two beneath the blue

# Could even fall in love

# Bobbing along, singing a song

# On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea

# Bobbing along, singing a song

# On the bottom of the beautiful briny, shimmery shiny

# Beautiful briny sea! #

Bravo! Bravo!

Most exciting. Most exciting!

You've won the ruddy cup!

APPLAUSE

Help! Help!

LINE WHIRS

Oh, this time

I really got a whopper!

Yaaaaaaah!!

THUD!

People?! People!

Oh, no!

What scurvy luck!

My goodness!

I'll deal with this.

Don't you know, er...

Good day, Captain. I used to be a seafaring man myself.

Many's the time I've shipped out of Portsmouth. Delighted to meet you.

Huh? Now, stow it, mate!

Oh, really!

Can't you read readin'? Huh?!

It says, um,

"No peopling

"allowed!"

No peopling allowed? Ridiculous!

Don't antagonise him, Mr Browne.

That means I gotta ta-ta-ta... throw you all back.

Wait a minute!

It says here that anybody can see the King, and that's the law.

W-Where do it say that?

Here, in me book.

Hm-hm. So it do.

Aaah!

But if you people knew what was good for ya,

you'd get yourselves all t-t-t-throwed back.

The King don't like people!

None the less, we must see the King on an urgent personal matter.

Please lead the way.

B-But just don't say I didn't warn ya.

See!

Follow me.

HE SINGS SEA SHANTY

ROARING

WIND WHISTLES

ROARING

Get out of here!!

HE CLEARS THROAT

Yes, yes, what can I do for you?

I, er, caught some people down at the sea lagoon.

They wanna see the King.

Really? Well, we can't be bothered with that sort of thing now.

ROARING

I don't know that I fancy this.

His Majesty is in a frightful rage.

Excuse me. As an all-round entertainer of sorts,

I am considered not without talent. Perhaps I can cheer him up.

No, no, no. You don't understand.

As everyone knows,

His Majesty is the world's greatest soccer player.

ROARING / WIND WHISTLES

But due to a technical problem,

the Royal Cup match cannot take place today.

And His Majesty had so set his heart on it.

Throw these, um, oh, creatures back into the sea.

Aye, aye, sir.

Just a moment! I can help.

Do you really think so? I'd be most grateful. Do you know soccer?

Do I know anything about soccer?

I was captain of Tottenham Hotspurs for two years.

Three seasons with Manchester United.

< Yes, yes, you'll do.

Come this way, please.

Are you certain you'll be all right?

-ROARING

-Now what?!!

Not an ideal person in many respects,

but Mr Browne is a very brave man.

ROARING / WIND WHISTLES

Do you think he's done for?

ROARS WITH LAUGHTER

Do you think so?

I can't tell you how I appreciate this.

For some reason

we have great difficulty

finding referees

round here.

If there be one thing we like,

it's volunteers.

Eh, birdie?

HE LAUGHS

He's a proper king. Look at his crown.

What's he got round his neck?

What a magnificent ornament, sire.

Ah, yes.

Wouldn't be without it.

Been in the family for years.

The Star of Astoroth!

You're to sit in His Majesty's royal box.

No littering, chewing, no fruit, or wrappers from boiled sweets.

HE PLAYS A FANFARE

Rise, please!

Loyal fans,

this is official!

We have

a volunteer referee!

WHISTLING / CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Let the match

begin!

CROWD ROARS

He's still wearing it.

Dirty Yellows, let's have a nice clean game!

BARKING / SNARLING

Right, True Blues, best foot forward!

KNEES KNOCKING

WHISTLE BLOWS

HE ROARS

CROWD CHEERS

THUD!

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Aaaaargh!

Weird sort of game they play here.

TEETH CHATTER

TRAIN WHISTLE

CROWD JEERS

ALL CHEER

TRAIN WHISTLE

BRAKES SQUEAL

CROWD: Aah!

Hurry up! Get rid of it!

SNARLING / BARKING

CROWD JEERS

BLOWS WHISTLE

CROWD CHEERS

Good gracious!

You're doin' fine,

matey!

CROWD JEERS

Move it around! Move it around!

Get on with the match!

HYENA LAUGHS

-Foul!

-They're only animals.

No excuse for dirty football.

Ooh! Ohh!

Aaah!

SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Ref, are you blind?!

Be quiet. Don't forget who the referee is.

CROWD APPLAUD

HE LAUGHS

HE CRIES

Don't they have no rules?

The King makes 'em up as he goes along.

WHISTLE BLOWS, SQUEAKS

CROWD ROARS

Aaah!

GULPS

BLOWS WHISTLE

CROWD APPLAUD

Poor Mr Browne. Do you think he's all right?

Well, he's moving.

Steady, matey. Move it around.

CROWD BOOS

THUD!

Tsk! Oh, he almost had it then.

Yaaah!

CROWD CHEERS

Looks like he's done for this time.

Argh!

Don't just stand there! Head it in!

SLOW HAND CLAP

CROWD: Ohh!

POP! / BALL HISSES

Stop...

THAT...

BALL!!

WIND WHISTLES

HE TRUMPETS

BALL HISSES

ALL CHEER

Goal!

Game's over.

I win!

BLOWS WHISTLE WEAKLY

Ah, let me give you a hand, matey.

That's quite all right, Your Majesty.

Oh, please, let me help you on with your robe.

Why, yes, thank you.

Can't have you catching cold, sire, can we?

Why, no.

Have you ever heard of something called The Gypsy Switch?

No. Can't say that I have.

Remind me to tell you about it sometime.

We've had such a good time.

We'll carry your memory in our hearts for a long while.

I think it's time to leave.

Aye. Must you go?

We must be dashing. Marvellous game. Lovely to see you. Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

-ALL: Goodbye.

Friendly lot.

Don't mind 'em visiting. Wouldn't want 'em livin' here.

THE KING LAUGHS

Come along, children.

Come on, children. Hurry up.

STUTTERS INAUDIBLY

Stop gibberin'! What's the matter with you?

-ECHOES:

-Your Royal Star!

They've stolen your Royal Star!

HE LAUGHS

Don't be ridiculous! What do you think that is?

WHISTLE BLOWS

-WIND WHISTLES

-WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?!

All right, Paul, put the knob on the bed.

At last, the magic words.

Treguna, mekoides, trecorum, satis, dee.

I'll keep it. Women always lose things.

ROARING

Hurry, Paul. The knob!

It's stuck!

I'd better do something.

Please do...quick.

ROARING

Got it.

Filigree, apogee, pedigree...

Oh, bother!

I do hate shoddy work.

CAT MEOWS

TINKLING

CAT YOWLS

I don't suppose I shall ever get used to this thing.

Children, push the bed back into place.

We could all do with a cup of tea.

No time. I've gone to a lot of trouble to find this spell.

I'm going to try it immediately.

Mr Browne, kindly let me have your shoes, please.

Oh, fine.

-What's the shoes for?

-Really, Charles.

If you'd been listening, you'd know substitutiary locomotion is

the art of causing inanimate objects to take on a life force of their own.

I must have inanimate objects to experiment with.

Makes sense, don't it?

Stand back, everyone. I need plenty of room.

I want you all to be absolutely quiet. Mr Browne,

you have the Star of Astoroth I believe.

Oh, yes. It's in my nice clean hanky.

TINKLES

It's OK. I should've realised it would be quite impossible

to take an object from one world into another.

Tsk. If only I'd have had the sense to remember the words on that star.

I know the words, Miss Price.

Don't bother her. She's thinking.

Let's nip to the village and buy supper.

I might conceivably call into the pub for a pint, to steady my nerves.

-Trebonna...

-I do know the words.

Come along. How can you know the words when Miss Price doesn't?

"..Troop movements and massing of barges in French and Dutch ports."

"The nation has been told to be

"on the alert for signs of a possible invasion..."

I might've been able to do something about all this.

It's out of your hands now.

If only I could remember those words. It's maddening.

Why don't someone ask me?

Come off it. You can't remember those kind of words.

You mean like treguna, mekoides,

trecorum, satis, dee?

Treguna, mekoides, trecorum, satis, dee? How do you know that?

Easy. Says so right 'ere in me book.

You mean it was there in your book all the time?

Yeah. But nobody ever listens to me.

Treguna,

mekoides,

trecorum,

satis, dee.

Nothing 'appened!

(Ssh!)

Am I doing something wrong?

It does seem a bit old fashioned. We are in the 20th Century.

What do you suggest?

Well, it needs rhythm.

Tempo. Music. As I always say,

"Do it with a flair." Mind if I have a go?

Course not.

Now, come along, you lot. We need all the help we can get!

ALL CHANT: Treguna, mekoides, trecorum, satis, dee.

Treguna, mekoides, trecorum, satis, dee...

# Substitutiary locomotion

# Mystic power that's far beyond the wildest notion

# It's so weird, so feared and yet wonderful to see

# Substitutiary locomotion come to me... #

Sssh! Now.

Treguna,

mekoides,

trecorum,

satis, dee!

Cor!

YOWLS

Treguna, mekoides and trecorum, satis, dee...

# I don't want locomotiary substitution

# Or remote intransitory convolution

# Only one precise solution is the key

# Substitutiary locomotion it must be

ALL: # Treguna, mekoides and trecorum, satis, dee. #

SHOES TAP

Ohh!

ALL LAUGH

# Substitutiary locomotion

# Lovely substitutiary locomotion

# You've made substitutiary history

# With treguna, mekoides and a little help from me

# With treguna, mekoides and... #

RAPPING ON DOOR

Lummy!

Mr Browne, what is going on here?

I haven't the foggiest.

How do you do? Oh, shall we?

That's my nightgown!

Is it really?

Yes. I'm not responsible for its behaviour.

Obviously not, my dear. One, two...

Paul, what on earth are you doing?

Havin' a jolly good time, that's what.

How can we stop this?

Must we? It's most agreeable.

But we must do something.

Didn't I give you my cutoff spell? Lesson No 8.

Number eight!

Oi, me Sunday trousers!

Buzz off, old chap. Find your own dancing partner. Ooh!

Ow!

Ohh!

Ooh! Aaah!

Be careful, Carrie. Slow down!

Charles!

Mr Browne, control your shoes!

Dear lady, I very much fear we have nothing under control!

Ooh! Ah! Ooh!

CROCKERY SMASHING/CAT MEOWING

Ah! Aaah!

Do you mind!

Who'd like some more of my lovely sausages and mash?

No more for me, thank you.

Oh. Carrie?

I've already had two helpings.

I'm full.

Me, too.

Meow!

At least somebody wants some.

Cheer up. This should be something of a celebration.

I'm sorry, but there doesn't seem to be much to celebrate.

I still haven't mastered that spell.

Of course you have. You just need more practise.

Do you really think so?

Yes. Meantime, there's nothing to liven

the spirits like a little master juggling. Right, Charlie?

Go on, give us some juggling!

HUMS

Very few are better at this. All you need is 20 years' practise

and a touch of genius.

YOWLS

ALL GIGGLE

Never happened to me before.

I don't usually juggle with cats under my feet.

Look, she's laughing.

BELL TINKLES Oh.

Oh, Mrs Hobday, do come in.

I can't stop. I've just come by to bring you the good news.

Good news?

Mr Bisselthwaite said he'll take the children in.

He and his wife have got a farm. Ideal for children.

Put some colour back in their cheeks. Why, what's the matter?

I thought you'd be pleased. You told me

you were too busy, you had no time to take care of them.

Circumstances have changed somewhat.

That's right. We've got a dad now. Mr Browne.

Paul!

Miss Price, is this true?

Of course.

You do want him to stay with us, don't you, Miss Price?

I suppose I hadn't really thought about it.

What about him? What do you say about it, Mr Browne?

Why, it's all rather sudden. I don't quite know what to say.

Oh, then I'll leave you two to talk it over.

I'll come back in the mornin'. Yes, good night.

Good night.

It is true, Mr Browne. You are going to be our father now, aren't you?

Well, er, we are rather rushing things, aren't we?

Perhaps Mr Browne has other things beside you lot to think about.

Yes, as a matter of fact I should've left ages ago.

I-I must get a train back to London tonight.

It's rather an important matter.

I'd like to tell you about it but it's a bit hush, hush. A secret.

Well, er,

if, er, I've been...

I've been any sort of help to you,

I'm pleased.

You've been immensely kind. Thank you.

I've enjoyed being with you.

Perhaps it's been good for all of us. Will you be coming back?

Some day, my dear. I certainly hope we shall meet again. Some day.

When all this war business is over.

-I see.

-Then, maybe, I shall realise my fondest dream.

Eglantine and Emelius, Illusionists Extraordinary!

Just think how that'll look on the poster, huh?

The children are going to miss you.

You really think they will?

Yes.

Well, I shall miss you. All of you.

If I don't go now, you might never get rid of me.

Goodbye, Carrie.

Must you really go?

Yes. It's best for everyone. Goodbye, Paul.

I still think you should be our father.

Goodbye, Charlie.

Do you want me to come down to the station with you?

No, no. You stay here and look after everybody.

Goodbye, Miss Price.

Goodbye, Mr Browne.

When is the next train to London?

Lord bless ye. There ain't no train till milk job, 4am tomorrow morning.

Mind if I wait in here?

Suit yourself. Good night, sir.

Good night.

Out you go, Cosmic.

Hello? Hello?!

Hello?!

Hello?! Hello?!

"Emelius Browne, do you know you could be warm in that house

"at this very moment?

"For once in your useless life, you seem to have been needed.

"You're a failure, Emelius Browne. And a coward."

No, this is not the invasion. Just a little exercise.

A minor raid to induce panic and spread mischief. When you English

understand that German forces can land whenever we please,

perhaps you'll consider a reasonable peace.

Not likely!

Go on, Miss Price, do it to him.

I must say, it's very tempting.

Colonel, how would you feel about being turned into a white rabbit?

BOTH SPEAK IN GERMAN

I said how would you feel about being turned into a white rabbit?!

Be quiet, please!

Filigree, apogee, epigee...!

Not again.

Your memory, Miss Price.

Charles, kindly fetch my notebook from the workroom, please.

Righto.

Hey!

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Silence!

We have work to do. I am sorry, I must send all of you some place

where you will no longer be a nuisance.

DREAM-LIKE: # As the words sell the tune and the moonbeams the moon

# All I need to succeed in my plan

# Is a champion rare

# With a flourish and a flair... #

MAN SPEAKS IN GERMAN