The Santa Clause 2


The Santa Clause 2

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Transcript


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WIND WHISTLING

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I'm getting something on the sonar!

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I'm getting strong readings from underneath the cap rock!

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Possible oil flow?

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Still analysing.

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TONE MODULATING

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It's...it's, er...

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It sounds like, er...

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Uh...

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Tiny hammers.

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QUACKING

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BEEPS

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They're coming right at us!

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Take us to Elfcon 3!

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Take us to Elfcon 3.

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CONVERSATIONS STOP

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HAMMERING STOPS

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BEEPS

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These guys aren't stopping.

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Take us to Elfcon 2!

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Let's go to Elfcon 2.

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WHIRRING

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We have a partridge in a pear tree.

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- Yep. - You take us to Elfcon 1.

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Let's rig for silent running. Look alive, everybody!

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OK, we're at Elfcon 1.

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ALARM BLARING

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BEEPING SLOWS

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I lost it. What do you mean?

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Wait.

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What the...?

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BEEPING

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Uh...sir, you're gonna want to hear this.

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# You know You better watch out

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# You better not cry

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# You better not pout... #

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Find out where that music's coming from!

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OK!

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Santa, I've got it on the locator!

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MUSIC PLAYS

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# He knows when you are sleeping

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# He knows when you're awake

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# He knows if you've been bad or good

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# So be good for goodness' sake! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

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# You better watch out You better not cry

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# You better not pout I'm tellin' you why... # Whoo!

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# Santa Claus is comin'

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# To town! # MUSIC STOPS

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What now?

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It's just gone.

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Oh, in the middle of the chorus!

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Nobody needs to know about this, right?

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Maybe we should mention the Smokey Robinson thing, sir. It's just my opinion.

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'We're at Elfcon 4. All clear.' SANTA SIGHS

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Curtis, what do you say we get you headphones this Christmas?

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It's all right, everybody. Get back to work.

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Curtis... you're 900 years old. Grow up!

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Bernard. >

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Now, you know I didn't break any of the rules,

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according to the Santa handbook.

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The handbook.

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Curtis, do you go pee-pee with that thing?

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It says elves are encouraged to listen to music.

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It makes them more creative... more productive...

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And, well, more alert.

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Look out!

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CRASH!

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It's OK. Let's go!

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Is he all right? He's OK, Santa! >

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Wow!

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That's gonna leave a mark. Ooh.

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Is that Blitzen? Looks like Prancer.

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That... Who is that?

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It was Chet.

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One of our reindeer in training.

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Oh.

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Well, please tell me that it's early in his training.

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Wow. A nice fall.

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Curtis, when are you gonna tell him?

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Not now.

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It's so cold up here, Charlie. How can you not be freezing?

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You have not seen cold till you see where my dad lives. It's...

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You shouldn't be embarrassed. My parents are divorced, too.

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I'm not embarrassed.

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Why don't you ever talk about your dad?

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He doesn't like me to. What is he, a spy?

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No, he...he works with toys,

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and these...little people...

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..kids.

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Can we just do what we came here to do?

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Mmm. Sure.

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All right.

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Charlie, this is really dangerous.

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Someone could catch us at any moment.

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Kinda exciting.

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Well, you know, Danielle,

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I may not come out of this alive.

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So in case we don't see each other again...

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Whoa! Whoa! Aaaaaah!

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Are you OK?

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Whew.

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SPRAY CAN RATTLES

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Almost done.

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OK. I'm not leaving.

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# I've been a naughty boy

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# I didn't get a toy

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# Santa Claus left nothing underneath my tree

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# He knows that I've been bad

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# But bein' good just ain't my bag... #

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MUSIC STOPS

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LADDER CREAKS

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FOOTSTEPS ASCENDING LADDER

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Hello, Charlie.

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Hello, Principal Newman.

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OK, try it now. ENGINE TURNS OVER

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ENGINE REVS

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OK. All right.

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Here's what we need...

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you got to get one more bolt on that flange,

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and it's ready for Christmas.

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Good work, guys. Whew.

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Perfect job on the suspension, you guys.

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Thinking outside the box. I love it.

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Do you want a cookie, Santa?

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Do I want a cookie? Yes!

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What's fresh? Ooh!

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Sweet, just like you.

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Alexander, let's think. Take the hat off.

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Too much counterweight.

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Thanks, Santa. You're the man.

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That's why they give me the big belly - so I don't fall over.

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Joey!

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How's that static-free tinsel coming?

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Hey, guys, Santa wants to see the new tinsel.

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You know, I could come up there and take care of this the ugly way.

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Or...you go outside and play some football.

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THEY CHEER

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Curtis, you need to tell him right now!

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I don't know. He's so happy right now.

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Why do I have to be the one to tell him?

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Because I'm the head elf, I don't give bad news. It's one of the perks of my seniority.

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Now, tell him!

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Come on, Porkchop, bring it on.

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Who're you callin' Porkchop, Meat Loaf?

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Meat Loaf? You wanna talk some trash? I'll talk trash with you.

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But first, I'm gonna blitz.

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Ready, set!

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I'm comin' after you, buddy.

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Seven swans a-swimming!

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Six geese a-laying!

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ALL: Five golden rings!

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HIKE!

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SANTA: He dropped the ball! I can see it.

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He moves...he's outta the way... I see ya!

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Rumblin'! Stumblin'! Bumblin'!

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SANTA: OK, you win! Ha!

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You guys aren't elves, you're wizards!

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No matter how many times you run that play, I never see it coming.

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Santa, we need to talk.

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TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

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Hmm. That's weird, isn't it?

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-uh-oh! -uh-oh!

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These fit yesterday.

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Hot cocoa for you, Santa.

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This is not a good time, Abby.

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I sent dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.

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TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING

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What's the bad news?

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What do you mean?

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Whenever you play the designer-bean card,

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Generally, you have bad news.

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What are you doing with the naughty and nice list?

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Just don't shoot the messenger.

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It's...Charlie.

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Sheen?

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I thought he straightened out.

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Not that Charlie.

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My Charlie. My son, Charlie?

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He's on the naughty list?

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- Aaaah! - Aaaah!

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There's got to be a mistake.

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We don't make mistakes.

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I'm sorry, Santa.

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Please excuse me.

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Well, how could this happen?

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Is this what you and Curtis were trying to tell me?

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You told him. Good. Let's get you dressed for that meeting.

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I can't have the meeting here. I have to see Charlie.

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Number two, tell him right now.

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Tell me what? Guys, come on. Come clean now.

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Santa, there's a Clause.

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That would be me.

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No, I mean there's another Santa Clause.

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In case you haven't noticed, this time of year,

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The malls are filled with other "Santa Clauses."

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Yes, but there's another Santa CLAUSE.

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There was a first, but there's also a second.

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BOTH: get on with it!

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When the last Santa fell off your roof

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And you put on his coat, you found this.

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Right.

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"he who wears the coat

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Takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus."

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And, of course, the rest would be history, right?

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But it seems our number-two elf,

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the keeper of the handbook,

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overlooked the single most important detail

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In the history of Christmas!

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Wow.

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One mistake in 900 years.

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Look.

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I-I can't see that.

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-Better now? -Uh...

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-Or now? -Well...

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-Better now? -It's getting there.

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-Or now? -I can't see anything.

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I see. Good, good, good. I see it.

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OK, well, "the cardholder acknowledges...

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..woman of his choosing...

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..true love...

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..not valid in state of Utah.

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..holy...

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...matrimony?!

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I got to get married!

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Yes. It's...the Mrs Clause.

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# (HERE COMES THE BRIDE) Bum bum-bum bum, bum bum-bum bum

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What if I don't want to get married?

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Oh, dear.

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The de-santafication process has begun!

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The de-santafication?

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Are you telling me that in that clause,

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It says that if I don't get married,

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I don't get to be Santa anymore?

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EXHALES DEEPLY

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W-what about the kids?

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What - what about the elves?

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And what about you guys?

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It's not hopeless.

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You still have time to find a wife.

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How much time do I have, Curtis?

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28 days.

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28 days.

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So I've got to find a wife by Christmas.

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Actually, Christmas eve.

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Guess it's over.

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No! You can't think that way!

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Please don't give up hope.

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Cos if you do... then WE have to.

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BOTH SIGH

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-Aaaaah! -Ohhhh!

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Whoa.

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Christmas is getting very complicated.

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Santa?

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Santa?

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Are you with us?

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I-I'm sorry. Yes. Yes, I am.

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Well, on behalf of Father Time

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and the entire council of legendary figures,

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I'd like to thank you for being such a gracious host.

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-What a lovely place. -Hear, hear.

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And without further ado,

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Let us convene the year-end holiday conference.

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-Tooth Fairy? -Thank you, Mother Nature.

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Fellow council members,

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I'd like to again propose a new name for myself.

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-Oh, please! -Come on!

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Good heavens.

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In the past, you have rejected "tooth man," "tooth guy," and "tooth."

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Because they stunk.

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Today I'd like to submit... "Captain Floss"...

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-Nice. -"Plaque Man"...

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-D'oh. -And "Roy."

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LAUGHS: Roy! No.

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No kid's gonna put a tooth under a pillow for a man named Roy.

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This from someone who wears a diaper and shoots arrows in people's butts.

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I got it. I got it, I got it.

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How about this - "the Molinator."

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"The Molinator." I like it. Thank you, Santa.

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Can we vote on "the Molinator"?

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All in favour of a name change for Tooth Fairy?

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All right. And all opposed?

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Easter Bunny?

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Sandman?

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SNORTS: what?

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W-what happened?

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Was I asleep again?

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Name change for the Tooth Fairy - yes or no?

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No. I'm sorry.

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All right, next item on the agenda.

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Santa, status report.

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Well, welcome to the North Pole. It's great to have you here.

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As you know, this is our big time, so things are busy.

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There's a little speed bump in the road this year.

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You all know Charlie.

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-Oh, I love Charlie. -Oh, yeah.

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-Great kid. -Good boy.

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-Sweet kid. -Good teeth.

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Well, Charlie... Got himself on the naughty list.

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-What? -Oh, my.

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I'm struggling with the timing,

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cos I got to be at the North Pole,

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And I've also got to take care of Charlie.

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That's every parent's dilemma -

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How to balance work and children.

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More people lose sleep over that than anything else.

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I have 33,000 offspring, all in private school.

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Well, to top it off...

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I have to get married by Christmas eve.

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Hmm?

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Otherwise, I stop being Santa Claus.

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-What?! -No!

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The de-santafication process has already begun.

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Wait a minute. You do look thinner.

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Your beard is shorter! Am I right?

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You're right! You're right!

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Apparently, it's called the Mrs Clause.

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Don't mess with me. I'm pre-El Nino.

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I'm not messing with anybody.

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What I'm saying is, I have to find a wife in...

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27 days, 20 hours and 17 minutes.

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Wow.

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It's what I do. HE CHUCKLES

0:19:410:19:44

Wait a minute. Cupid!

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What do you need, pal?

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Shoot me with one of your darts. I'll fall in love.

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First of all, they're arrows. Second of all, no can do.

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The arrows have no effect on us.

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If they did, I would've shot myself in the butt,

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Met a nice girl, left the business years ago.

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All right, all right.

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-You can't stop being Santa! -I don't want to stop!

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Kids are 86% happier since you've taken the job.

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-He's absolutely right. -This is all I want to do.

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What am I gonna do?

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Well...y-y-

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You can't be two places at once.

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Maybe you can be.

0:20:200:20:22

OK, everyone, can I get the room for a minute?

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Thank you. Just one minute.

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Take a cocoa break. Have a nice, long break.

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Relax, everyone.

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Just want to show Santa some improvements on the pantograph.

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Thanks, guys.

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Walk with me.

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I've tripled the RAM and reconfigured the circuitry paths.

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I see you've externalised the power source

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to make better use of the electromagnetic energy.

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Nah, it's there cos it looks really cool.

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Yeah, it does. Wait a minute. You tripled the RAM

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Curtis, I see where this is going.

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I am not getting in that machine.

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Besides, creating a copy of Santa won't solve our problems.

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It would be a toy.

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But this will be a very special toy.

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How's that, Curtis?

0:21:030:21:05

I added a fuzzy logic circuit to the pantograph.

0:21:050:21:08

The duplicate will look and think like you,

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So when you're with your family, dealing with Charlie...

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The toy Santa will be here, melting by my fireplace.

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The toy Santa will be dealing with business up here.

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I can deal with business up here!

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If the elves find out we've made a switch -

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No! No! This machine is not the answer.

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( clattering, squeaking )

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Hey, hey!

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Hey, you! You! Shoo! MACHINERY WHIRRING

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W-w-w-w-w-whoa!

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No, no, no!

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ELECTRICITY CRACKLING

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WHIRRING SLOWS

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SQUEAKING

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SQUEAKING

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Look, you can't get much better than that.

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And I promise,

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It won't hurt a bit.

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Uh...

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I'm going in.

0:22:070:22:09

Oh, I can't watch this!

0:22:090:22:11

ELECTRICITY CRACKLING

0:22:340:22:35

RUMBLING

0:22:410:22:42

Ow! Ow!

0:22:420:22:44

CRACKLING CONTINUES

0:22:460:22:48

It's perfect!

0:23:030:23:05

That's because it's me, Einstein.

0:23:070:23:09

Santa, are you all right?

0:23:110:23:14

I got a shock. Is there supposed to be a shock?

0:23:140:23:16

-SCREAMS - SCREAMS

0:23:160:23:18

ELECTRICITY CRACKLING

0:23:180:23:20

ALL: It's naked!

0:23:200:23:22

SANTA WOLF-WHISTLES

0:23:220:23:25

-Uh, throw something over him. -Right!

0:23:250:23:28

It's incredible!

0:23:280:23:29

Yes, it is.

0:23:290:23:31

LAUGHS

0:23:310:23:33

Um, can he talk?

0:23:330:23:37

Hello?

0:23:390:23:41

GRUNTING

0:23:410:23:43

Hello?

0:23:430:23:45

Hello?

0:23:460:23:47

Ho-ho-ho!

0:23:500:23:53

Ho-ho...ho.

0:23:530:23:55

Not bad.

0:23:550:23:56

Not bad yourself.

0:23:560:23:58

CHUCKLES

0:23:580:24:00

I can't put my finger on it,

0:24:000:24:02

but there's something about you I like.

0:24:020:24:04

There's something about you I like.

0:24:040:24:07

Huh.

0:24:070:24:09

You watch him. I'll be right back.

0:24:090:24:12

He's coming right back.

0:24:120:24:14

Ha ha ha.

0:24:150:24:17

Bernard, I need your help on this.

0:24:170:24:19

What do you mean?

0:24:190:24:20

I got to go see Charlie,

0:24:200:24:22

And I want you to convince the elves

0:24:220:24:23

That...toy Santa is me.

0:24:230:24:26

Uh, hmm. Have you seen that thing?

0:24:260:24:28

I think if you keep the elves at a distance

0:24:280:24:30

and tell them I changed my look, it'll work.

0:24:300:24:33

Oh, Santa, we're in way over our heads here.

0:24:330:24:37

If anybody can do this, it's you, number one.

0:24:370:24:39

I'm not gonna lie to all the elves!

0:24:390:24:42

I myself think he looks absolutely terrific,

0:24:420:24:45

Better, and fresher somehow, than he has in years.

0:24:450:24:49

There's a more supple veneer to his skin

0:24:490:24:51

and an added lustre to the thickness of his hair.

0:24:510:24:54

You could almost say there's a - a -

0:24:540:24:57

a toylike quality to him.

0:24:570:24:59

Most importantly, he's very happy with his new look,

0:24:590:25:03

And I would caution you all not to point or stare

0:25:030:25:06

Or use the word "plastic," OK?

0:25:060:25:10

OK. Thank you. That's it. That's all. Back to work, please.

0:25:100:25:12

INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS

0:25:130:25:15

(Reindeer chattering indistinctly)

0:25:180:25:20

Comet, because I don't want to take Prancer.

0:25:200:25:23

I want to take a trip with you.

0:25:230:25:25

When's the last time you and I just had a cruise?

0:25:250:25:27

I love ya, buddy.

0:25:270:25:29

Besides, last night, Prancer had too many apples.

0:25:290:25:32

We know what that means.

0:25:320:25:33

Before you go, take a look at your watch.

0:25:330:25:35

Hey. Can't go anywhere without that.

0:25:350:25:38

-I've done some work on it. -It's beautiful, Bernard.

0:25:380:25:40

You like it?

0:25:400:25:41

I love it! I love the little burnished stuff.

0:25:410:25:44

I've added a power reserve that measures how much magic you have.

0:25:440:25:47

-It's at 10. -That should be enough.

0:25:470:25:49

If at any time you use up any magic for any reason,

0:25:490:25:52

the level drops.

0:25:520:25:53

Santa, if it gets to zero,

0:25:530:25:56

you won't be able to return to the Pole.

0:25:560:25:59

GRUNTING: Uh-oh.

0:25:590:26:00

Then let's not let it get to zero!

0:26:010:26:04

Now, look at me.

0:26:040:26:06

Mm-hmm?

0:26:060:26:08

What's the most important thing?

0:26:080:26:10

For you not to touch Santa?

0:26:100:26:13

For you to come back! LAUGHS

0:26:130:26:16

-GRUNTING -Thank you.

0:26:160:26:18

Comet, please just chill out a little bit, OK?

0:26:180:26:22

- Come on. - GROANS

0:26:220:26:23

It's not like we're pulling the sleigh or anything.

0:26:230:26:26

Right? There's no packages. It's one stop.

0:26:260:26:29

I think I forgot - we're gonna go see Charlie.

0:26:290:26:31

HOOFBEATS

0:26:330:26:35

BELL RINGS

0:26:410:26:43

-Scott! -Hey!

0:26:430:26:44

Hey, you trimmed your beard!

0:26:440:26:46

Yeah.

0:26:460:26:48

Come here, big guy.

0:26:480:26:49

CHUCKLES

0:26:490:26:51

Whoa, you lost some weight there, huh?

0:26:510:26:53

Slim-fast?

0:26:530:26:54

You don't know how fast.

0:26:540:26:56

We should get going.

0:26:560:26:57

How do you always know when there's a problem?

0:26:570:26:59

I see you when you're sleeping. I know when you're awake.

0:26:590:27:03

Which is pretty frightening when you think about it.

0:27:030:27:06

We're worried about Charlie. He keeps upping the ante.

0:27:060:27:10

This time, he defaced school property.

0:27:100:27:12

It's a classic case of acting out.

0:27:120:27:14

- I'm blaming myself for this. - Come on. We're both his parents.

0:27:140:27:17

He's waiting in Principal Newman's office.

0:27:170:27:19

That woman makes me want to deface public property.

0:27:190:27:22

-Hey! -Hello, Mr Calvin.

0:27:220:27:25

Laura, Neil.

0:27:250:27:26

-Miss Newman. -Miss Newman.

0:27:260:27:27

Principal Newman.

0:27:270:27:29

I haven't seen you since the last time Charlie was in trouble.

0:27:290:27:32

I've been travelling for work.

0:27:320:27:33

If you spent more time with your son,

0:27:330:27:35

there would be fewer problems.

0:27:350:27:37

Maybe, but then I wouldn't get to spend time with you.

0:27:370:27:41

Oh, a battle of wits.

0:27:410:27:43

It's a shame that you come unarmed.

0:27:430:27:44

Excuse me.

0:27:440:27:45

Ouch.

0:27:450:27:47

Good morning, Principal Newman.

0:27:500:27:52

Mr Picardo, I want you to look into my eyes.

0:27:520:27:55

What do you see?

0:27:550:27:56

It's dark. And it's cold.

0:27:570:28:00

It's your future, Mr Picardo.

0:28:000:28:02

Keep this up, and you will spend your life

0:28:020:28:04

stabbing trash by the highway.

0:28:040:28:06

What are you gonna do?

0:28:060:28:08

I'm going straight to third-period geometry.

0:28:080:28:10

Have a nice trip.

0:28:100:28:11

Not only is it an affront to authority,

0:28:170:28:19

but a blatant disrespect for property.

0:28:190:28:21

If this sort of thing continues, I'll have no other recourse -

0:28:210:28:24

Is there a rest stop between here and the end of the lecture?

0:28:240:28:28

Because I'm more interested in why this happened.

0:28:280:28:31

So am I.

0:28:310:28:32

Charlie, we're all worried about you.

0:28:320:28:35

It feels to me you're trying to get someone's attention.

0:28:350:28:38

What's bothering you?

0:28:380:28:40

-Dr. Miller? -Neil.

0:28:430:28:45

Neil, do you have any theories?

0:28:450:28:46

Well, frankly, I have several.

0:28:460:28:49

Here we go. Let's just order a pizza.

0:28:490:28:52

Scott, you're not helping.

0:28:520:28:53

I was listening to a new tape series on child development just last night.

0:28:530:28:57

You know what the problem is? Excuse me, Neil.

0:28:590:29:01

It's four weeks until Christmas.

0:29:010:29:05

- That's a major holiday in December. - Oh.

0:29:050:29:07

Have you noticed the hallways in this school?

0:29:070:29:10

There's not a decoration, a twinkle light,

0:29:100:29:12

not an expression of happiness and joy

0:29:120:29:13

that kids are supposed to be feeling.

0:29:130:29:15

What kind of school are you running?

0:29:150:29:17

A public school.

0:29:170:29:19

The top academically-rated public school in the district.

0:29:190:29:22

That takes a lot of effort and money,

0:29:220:29:24

and spending any of that money on holiday decorations

0:29:240:29:27

would take away from the things that truly matter.

0:29:270:29:30

Forgive me, but I think holiday cheer matters.

0:29:300:29:31

What are we going to do? Charlie, we are really worried.

0:29:310:29:34

I'll handle this. Charlie, you know what you did is wrong, right?

0:29:340:29:37

I guess so.

0:29:370:29:39

There's no guessing. Guessing is gone.

0:29:390:29:41

It was wrong, and you're not gonna do it again. Promise me.

0:29:410:29:43

OK.

0:29:430:29:45

There you go. He's good to his word. He won't do it again.

0:29:450:29:48

- Meeting is adjourned. - It most certainly is not!

0:29:480:29:50

< You know what else? Here's a little donation.

0:29:500:29:53

Why don't you buy yourself a wreath.

0:29:530:29:55

SHE GASPS

0:29:550:29:57

I am Santa Claus. Boo!

0:29:580:30:01

HE CHUCKLES

0:30:010:30:02

Yeah. No, no, I think that this is gonna work.

0:30:020:30:06

Good - Good job, Curtis.

0:30:060:30:08

Would it kill you to give a compliment with your whole heart?

0:30:080:30:12

< Ho ho ho.

0:30:120:30:14

Santa...

0:30:140:30:17

I need you to take a look at this.

0:30:170:30:19

All right! Nice!

0:30:190:30:22

No, I mean I need you to read it.

0:30:220:30:24

Well, let's try to be specific, shall we?

0:30:240:30:27

Ha ha! I'll take a look at it over at my desk.

0:30:270:30:30

How does he know where his desk is?

0:30:310:30:33

I programmed him that way.

0:30:330:30:35

He has most of Santa's memories.

0:30:350:30:38

OK, we need you to study everything that's in that book

0:30:380:30:41

because it is the key to being Santa.

0:30:410:30:43

Right!

0:30:430:30:45

I'll memorise everything in the book!

0:30:450:30:50

I'll follow all the rules!

0:30:500:30:52

Yeah. Cos rules are very important.

0:30:520:30:54

I like this guy.

0:30:550:30:56

- I can barely read this. - Hi, Santa.

0:30:560:31:00

Uh...hi.

0:31:000:31:01

Oh, you look -

0:31:010:31:03

Like he got a good night's sleep.

0:31:030:31:05

Like you got a very good night's sleep.

0:31:080:31:13

How about a nice, chocolatey cocoa?

0:31:130:31:15

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

0:31:170:31:19

SQUEAKS

0:31:190:31:21

Careful. It's hot.

0:31:290:31:31

Well, of course it is.

0:31:310:31:32

SQUEAKING

0:31:370:31:39

GULPING

0:31:390:31:40

Aah!

0:31:470:31:48

Whoo! That's delicious!

0:31:500:31:54

I like cocoa!

0:31:540:31:56

Cocoa's superior refreshment! Ha ha ha ha!

0:31:560:31:58

Get me some more cocoa!

0:31:580:32:00

Whoo!

0:32:000:32:02

Right away, Santa!

0:32:020:32:03

Ho, whoa!

0:32:030:32:06

I think Santa feels a little buzz!

0:32:060:32:09

Whoo!

0:32:090:32:11

Let me get this straight.

0:32:110:32:13

You were de-santafying,

0:32:130:32:14

And you only have 27 days to find a wife or you're out?

0:32:140:32:18

Yeah.

0:32:180:32:20

What are you gonna do?

0:32:200:32:22

We dated for three years

0:32:220:32:23

Before you finally got up the courage to propose.

0:32:230:32:26

That's a pretty serious commitment issue, isn't it?

0:32:260:32:28

Why, yes, it is, Sigmund.

0:32:280:32:30

I was afraid I'd mess up. I'm more afraid now.

0:32:300:32:33

You can't give up. There's never been a better Santa than you.

0:32:330:32:35

I appreciate that, sport. Maybe it's for the best.

0:32:350:32:38

If I'd spend more time with you, you'd spend less time

0:32:380:32:41

supporting the spray-paint industry.

0:32:410:32:43

You have been a great dad,

0:32:430:32:45

and being Santa has made you an even better man.

0:32:450:32:48

I'm gonna go out on an emotional limb

0:32:480:32:50

Neil, don't try to make me cry.

0:32:500:32:53

You have a great capacity for love.

0:32:530:32:56

I know you can find someone wonderful

0:32:560:32:58

to spend the rest of your life with.

0:32:580:33:00

Don't let the facts -

0:33:000:33:02

that you have no time, no prospects,

0:33:020:33:04

and a paralysing fear of intimacy - get you down.

0:33:040:33:07

Hmm. Have you ever helped anyone...ever?

0:33:070:33:10

You know what I'm gonna do?

0:33:100:33:11

I'm gonna look through my phone book

0:33:110:33:13

and see who's still single and not too bitter.

0:33:130:33:16

There's plenty of divorced moms who'll go out with anybody.

0:33:160:33:19

As promising as this sounds, I don't need help in this area.

0:33:190:33:22

Your old man was a legend in high school -

0:33:220:33:24

I was a double letterman, I had a Mustang.

0:33:240:33:27

So as far as dating goes,

0:33:270:33:29

I think if anybody can stir up the old mojo,

0:33:290:33:32

it would be moi. Come on.

0:33:320:33:34

I don't think there's a woman out there

0:33:340:33:36

that doesn't want a piece of this.

0:33:360:33:39

DOOR CLOSES

0:33:400:33:41

LUCY: Hi, mom!

0:33:410:33:43

Lucy!

0:33:430:33:45

Uncle Scott!

0:33:450:33:46

How's my little sweet pea?

0:33:460:33:48

Oh! I haven't seen you in a long time.

0:33:480:33:51

Well, tell me what's been happening.

0:33:510:33:53

I learned to swim underwater, and I'm not afraid!

0:33:530:33:57

That's amazing. Wait a minute.

0:33:570:33:59

Maybe we'll have to go to the mall

0:33:590:34:01

and get some ice cream. SHE GASPS

0:34:010:34:03

- Dad - plenty of women at the mall. - Charlie.

0:34:030:34:07

Santa, I need you to look forward

0:34:070:34:08

and put on a smiley face.

0:34:080:34:09

Say hello to your elves.

0:34:090:34:11

Ho ho ho!

0:34:110:34:12

You're all doing a wonderful job!

0:34:120:34:14

Santa, when you said the bigger wheels,

0:34:140:34:17

is this what you meant?

0:34:170:34:19

Ho ho ho! You're doing a wonderful job!

0:34:190:34:23

You're doing great.

0:34:230:34:25

You could dial it down on the "ho ho hos,"

0:34:250:34:27

but otherwise, you're gold.

0:34:270:34:29

Ho ho-ho!

0:34:290:34:30

HO ho-ho!

0:34:300:34:32

< Ho-ho-ho, ho ho ho!

0:34:320:34:33

Why don't you just say it?

0:34:330:34:36

"You were right, Curtis. I was wrong."

0:34:360:34:39

OK, OK. I admit it.

0:34:390:34:41

They're happy, they're working hard,

0:34:410:34:44

Everything's going to be fine.

0:34:440:34:46

This book is very interesting.

0:34:460:34:48

There's a lot of rules here they're not following.

0:34:480:34:50

That's what I've been saying all along.

0:34:500:34:52

Things have gotten a little too sloppy around here.

0:34:520:34:56

Yes!

0:34:560:34:57

And sloppiness means mistakes,

0:34:570:34:58

And mistakes aren't a good thing!

0:34:580:35:00

I think I might have to make some changes.

0:35:020:35:05

- What did you have in mind? - Let me show you.

0:35:050:35:08

There's many things. Look here.

0:35:080:35:11

SCOTT: Neil.

0:35:110:35:12

Are you sure you don't have other clothes I can borrow?

0:35:120:35:15

The idea tonight is to attract a woman.

0:35:150:35:17

What are you talking about?

0:35:170:35:18

I look like a limesicle.

0:35:180:35:20

I think it makes you look hot.

0:35:200:35:22

What do you think, Laura? Honestly?

0:35:220:35:24

Doesn't he look hot, Laura?

0:35:240:35:26

I think it's what's inside that really counts.

0:35:260:35:29

I thought you liked that sweater.

0:35:290:35:31

We'll talk about it later.

0:35:310:35:33

All right, I'm off, but I need to borrow a car.

0:35:330:35:35

I'm parked behind Neil. Take the mini-van.

0:35:350:35:37

The mini-van. OK, then.

0:35:380:35:41

Well, wish me luck.

0:35:410:35:43

I got a needlepoint sweater and a mini-van.

0:35:430:35:46

SIGHS: See you in about eight minutes.

0:35:460:35:48

Scott? Hey.

0:35:590:36:00

- Tracy. - Yes.

0:36:000:36:01

- Hi. - Hey.

0:36:010:36:03

- Um... - Nice to meet you.

0:36:030:36:04

- Nice to meet you. - You too.

0:36:040:36:06

Um, here. Why don't you sit down?

0:36:060:36:08

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

0:36:080:36:10

So, I'm so glad we finally got to do this.

0:36:150:36:17

I'm pretty nervous.

0:36:170:36:18

- Oh, are you? - Yeah.

0:36:180:36:19

Laura says we have a lot in common.

0:36:190:36:21

You love this time of year also?

0:36:210:36:23

It's my favourite time of year, and my busiest.

0:36:230:36:26

Whoa. Look at the sweater.

0:36:260:36:27

SHE LAUGHS

0:36:270:36:29

Some sweater.

0:36:290:36:30

Oh.

0:36:300:36:31

Like I should talk. Ha ha ha!

0:36:310:36:33

I also have my Christmas charm bracelet.

0:36:330:36:35

That's beautiful.

0:36:350:36:37

Lots of pretty charms.

0:36:370:36:38

Look at them all!

0:36:380:36:40

I wear it all year long to keep the spirit alive.

0:36:400:36:42

That's gorgeous. Look at all these.

0:36:420:36:43

And you got packages. That's very nice.

0:36:430:36:46

Yeah.

0:36:460:36:47

So.

0:36:470:36:49

So, what kind of work do you do?

0:36:490:36:51

I'm in the toy business.

0:36:510:36:53

- No way. - Way.

0:36:530:36:55

Oh. That sounds so creative.

0:36:570:36:59

I love it.

0:36:590:37:00

I love creative people.

0:37:000:37:01

Yeah?

0:37:010:37:02

Yeah. SHE LAUGHS

0:37:020:37:05

So...

0:37:050:37:06

So, what do you do?

0:37:060:37:08

I'm actually hoping to break into the music business

0:37:080:37:12

as a singer-songwriter.

0:37:120:37:13

- No way. - Way.

0:37:130:37:15

What's your favourite kind of music?

0:37:150:37:17

- Country and western. - Oh.

0:37:170:37:20

Do you like Shania Twain?

0:37:200:37:22

- Yeah. - Yeah.

0:37:220:37:24

# The best thing about singin' at Christmas

0:37:240:37:28

# Is the cocoa, carolin', and fi... #

0:37:280:37:31

You know that one?

0:37:310:37:33

# Wh-o-o-oa go totally yuletide

0:37:330:37:35

# Taking a sleigh ride... # - Good.

0:37:350:37:37

# Santa shirts, reindeer skirts

0:37:370:37:40

# Wh-o-o-oa... # - Oh! Hey!

0:37:400:37:42

# Watchin' the windows fog, drinkin' some eggnog

0:37:420:37:46

# Wh-o-o-oa... # SHE LAUGHS

0:37:460:37:48

# Fill up a stocking, spray on some flocking

0:37:480:37:52

# Put up a tree, sports on TV

0:37:520:37:54

# Wh-o-o-oa

0:37:540:37:57

# I want to be free, yeah

0:37:570:37:59

# To feel the way I feel

0:37:590:38:02

# Ah-ah-ah-ah Man!

0:38:020:38:04

# I feel like some Christmas

0:38:040:38:07

# Oh, oh, wow, wow, wow. #

0:38:070:38:12

HE CHUCKLES

0:38:140:38:16

Whoo. Ha.

0:38:170:38:20

What, you hated it?

0:38:200:38:22

It kind of scared me a little bit.

0:38:220:38:25

No, I just wasn't prepared for a performance.

0:38:260:38:31

I put myself out there doing that, and that was not easy,

0:38:310:38:35

and if you can't support a woman's ambition,

0:38:350:38:37

then I don't think there's any reason to continue this date.

0:38:370:38:40

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:38:400:38:42

- Dad? - Hey, sport.

0:38:420:38:44

How'd it go?

0:38:440:38:46

Well...

0:38:460:38:48

Let's just say I'm not booking a church yet.

0:38:480:38:52

Boy, I'll tell you, women are hard to figure out.

0:38:520:38:57

Tell me about it.

0:38:570:38:58

You, too, huh? Girl trouble?

0:38:580:39:01

Well, there's this one girl.

0:39:010:39:03

We just used to be friends and hang out at the mall and stuff.

0:39:030:39:07

But then one day I looked at her,

0:39:070:39:09

and I got this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

0:39:090:39:12

I started worrying about what I was gonna wear,

0:39:120:39:15

what my hair looked like.

0:39:150:39:17

And then I wanted to kiss her.

0:39:170:39:20

GASPS

0:39:200:39:22

How'd she do that?

0:39:220:39:23

I don't know. But they all can do that.

0:39:230:39:26

Oh, look at that.

0:39:270:39:29

The snowglobe.

0:39:290:39:31

This is so beautiful.

0:39:310:39:33

I remember when Bernard gave this to you.

0:39:330:39:35

He said all I have to do to see you is shake it.

0:39:350:39:38

Now all you have to do is yell down the hall.

0:39:380:39:40

CHUCKLES

0:39:400:39:42

And I'm there whenever you need me.

0:39:420:39:44

Yeah.

0:39:440:39:45

I-I'm a little tired right now, Dad.

0:39:450:39:48

I'll see you in the morning.

0:39:480:39:49

OK.

0:39:510:39:53

- Good night. - Night.

0:39:530:39:55

Can you turn the light off, please?

0:39:560:39:58

Yeah, cos it's such a big reach for you.

0:39:580:40:01

Yeah.

0:40:010:40:02

GRUNTING

0:40:040:40:06

What do you mean it's not straight?

0:40:080:40:10

GRUNTS

0:40:100:40:13

Sure, it's straight.

0:40:130:40:15

GRUNTING: Unh-unh.

0:40:150:40:16

Maybe your head's crooked.

0:40:160:40:17

GRUNTING

0:40:170:40:20

You know, Prancer's not this picky.

0:40:200:40:22

GRUNTING: Yeah, he is.

0:40:220:40:24

- Hi, Comet! GRUNTS

0:40:240:40:26

I've got something for you.

0:40:270:40:30

Hey, Lucy, what do you got there?

0:40:300:40:31

You got to be careful with sweets. He tends to overeat.

0:40:330:40:37

Uncle Scott, are you Santa Claus?

0:40:370:40:39

What? Why would you ask me something like that?

0:40:390:40:42

Cos you have a reindeer, and only Santa has reindeer.

0:40:420:40:45

- A lot of people have reindeer. - Name five.

0:40:450:40:49

CHUCKLES

0:40:490:40:50

Well.

0:40:500:40:52

Most of them live in Finland. I can't pronounce their names.

0:40:520:40:56

Besides, reindeer are too stupid to make good pets.

0:40:590:41:03

Well, I think you're very smart.

0:41:030:41:07

GIGGLING

0:41:070:41:09

Well, I think he's learning at an excellent rate.

0:41:100:41:13

- Oh, really? - Yes.

0:41:130:41:14

This morning he ate a bowl of waxed fruit.

0:41:140:41:16

Wait a minute.

0:41:160:41:18

I need the naughty and nice list.

0:41:180:41:21

No.

0:41:210:41:22

It says I'm supposed to check it twice.

0:41:220:41:24

Santa already checked it.

0:41:240:41:26

No, I didn't.

0:41:260:41:27

The real Santa.

0:41:270:41:28

I am the real Santa.

0:41:280:41:30

I'm sorry?

0:41:300:41:31

- I'm in charge here. - What?

0:41:310:41:33

I'm supposed to check the list twice, that's the rule.

0:41:330:41:35

I like rules, you're aware of how I feel about that.

0:41:350:41:37

- You're misunderstanding something. - No, I'm a rulemaker.

0:41:370:41:40

I like the rules, Santa likes rules...

0:41:400:41:43

How about we have some fun?!

0:41:430:41:45

- Uh? - It's good to have fun.

0:41:450:41:47

Right.

0:41:470:41:48

Santa, look over there, see those elves?

0:41:480:41:51

Go ahead, go play some tinsel football.

0:41:510:41:54

Break!

0:41:540:41:56

What's the object of this tinsel football?

0:41:570:41:59

Come on down.

0:41:590:42:00

If you don't have the ball, get it.

0:42:000:42:03

If you have the ball, run to the end zone.

0:42:030:42:05

OK.

0:42:100:42:11

I'll go get the football.

0:42:110:42:14

Ready? Pike!

0:42:140:42:16

Ahhhhh!

0:42:180:42:19

All right, I got the ball, what are you gonna do about it?

0:42:220:42:24

Who's gonna stop me? Come on!

0:42:240:42:27

This is a lot of fun.

0:42:270:42:28

Oh, so sorry(!)

0:42:330:42:35

Ah! You...!

0:42:480:42:50

Stop! Slow down when I'm talking to you.

0:42:500:42:52

Come here you!

0:42:520:42:53

Argh!

0:42:550:42:56

He's heading east toward the main entrance.

0:43:000:43:02

GLASS SHATTERS

0:43:020:43:04

Hello, Charlie.

0:43:090:43:11

PANTING

0:43:110:43:13

Hello, Principal Newman.

0:43:130:43:16

BELL RINGS

0:43:160:43:17

Are Laura and Neil on their way?

0:43:170:43:19

No, I volunteered to go solo on this one.

0:43:190:43:21

You look... you've really lost weight.

0:43:210:43:24

Are you feeling all right?

0:43:240:43:25

I was until I got this phone call.

0:43:250:43:27

Charlie, you promised you weren't gonna do this again.

0:43:340:43:37

What's the matter with you? I'm gonna have to punish you.

0:43:370:43:40

I'll ground him for two months.

0:43:400:43:42

- I thought you were on my side! - Charlie, you're suspended.

0:43:420:43:45

- But, Dad! - Hold on a second.

0:43:450:43:48

I'm as upset as you, but isn't there a way we can punish him

0:43:480:43:50

that doesn't involve taking him out of school?

0:43:500:43:53

- What did you have in mind? - We could...er, I...er, ga-ga...

0:43:530:43:56

Community service?

0:43:560:43:58

Huh.

0:43:580:44:00

That's not a bad idea.

0:44:000:44:03

OK, Charlie, I want you to start by cleaning up this wall.

0:44:040:44:08

I want everything off of there by tonight.

0:44:080:44:11

Then, you can clean every mark off every locker in this hall.

0:44:110:44:15

- Every one?! - Do as she says, Charlie.

0:44:150:44:17

But I have homework, tests to study for.

0:44:170:44:20

I have a detention group that meets on Saturday,

0:44:200:44:22

so we will get together at Sullivan rec centre

0:44:220:44:25

and scrape off graffiti at 8am.

0:44:250:44:27

- See you both there. - Both of us?

0:44:270:44:30

CHUCKLES: I'm very busy.

0:44:300:44:32

I do a lot of other community service.

0:44:320:44:33

That's good. You just got elected parent rep.

0:44:330:44:36

And, Charlie, we'll talk about the suspension.

0:44:360:44:40

SIGHS

0:44:420:44:43

Oh, Jeez.

0:44:490:44:50

INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS

0:44:550:44:57

Curtis, what is he doing in the naughty and nice centre?

0:44:570:45:01

What's going on here?

0:45:020:45:03

Well, I'm checking the naughty/nice list.

0:45:030:45:06

Actually, I'm checking it twice.

0:45:060:45:07

I already told you!

0:45:070:45:10

It's been checked. Don't worry about it.

0:45:100:45:12

I do worry. There's a lot of mistakes.

0:45:120:45:14

I'll give you a big, fat for instance.

0:45:140:45:16

In Denmark, there's a guy named Sven Hallstrom. He's a Dane.

0:45:160:45:20

Apparently he was wiping his nose on his sister's shirt.

0:45:200:45:23

Yuck! That's not very nice, and yet he's on the nice list.

0:45:230:45:27

We try to cut the children a little slack this time of year.

0:45:270:45:30

I don't understand that!

0:45:300:45:32

It looks like kids are misbehaving everywhere.

0:45:320:45:34

They're running with scissors, they're always sticky.

0:45:340:45:37

"I'm not gonna stop this car! No, we're not there yet!

0:45:370:45:40

"Brush your teeth! Pick up those clothes!"

0:45:400:45:43

It goes on and on.

0:45:430:45:44

But they're just kids.

0:45:440:45:46

Everybody misbehaves sometime.

0:45:460:45:48

But according to the Santa handbook,

0:45:480:45:50

naughty kids get lumps of coal in their stockings, right?

0:45:500:45:54

If they don't have stockings, we will make them stockings.

0:45:540:45:57

I think they should get coal in their stockings, don't you?

0:45:570:46:02

That's not how it works!

0:46:020:46:04

Get me the naughty/nice list.

0:46:040:46:06

Get me every list. Get me everything.

0:46:060:46:09

# With the message for the kids sayin' they should be nice

0:46:090:46:12

# Not naughty, cos Santa knows karate

0:46:120:46:14

# He's on the crossfader, hip-hop hooray-der... #

0:46:140:46:17

Mr Amorale. Mr Leary.

0:46:170:46:20

Hey. You in charge of the gangbangers?

0:46:210:46:23

They're students, actually. And, yes.

0:46:230:46:24

Just keep away from the car. It's new.

0:46:240:46:26

I don't need some delinquent kid scratching it up.

0:46:260:46:29

Hey. They're not delinquents, they're good kids.

0:46:290:46:31

And don't worry about your car.

0:46:310:46:33

I'd spend more time worrying about your legs in those shorts.

0:46:330:46:35

I thought only swimmers shaved their legs.

0:46:350:46:38

Good morning.

0:46:380:46:40

- Good morning. - I brought you coffee.

0:46:400:46:42

Thank you.

0:46:420:46:44

So you actually have a nice-guy side.

0:46:440:46:47

I'm a man of many sides.

0:46:470:46:49

I'm a puzzle. I'm a Rubik's cube with pants.

0:46:490:46:52

SHE CHUCKLES That was an actual laugh.

0:46:520:46:54

- Dad, it doesn't come off. - It's not supposed to come off.

0:46:540:46:56

Hence, you've got to be careful where you put it.

0:46:560:46:59

Hence, tagging is serious. Hence, your presence here.

0:46:590:47:02

Don't say "hence" anymore, Dad. It's really annoying.

0:47:020:47:06

BELL RINGS

0:47:060:47:09

Nicely done.

0:47:090:47:10

How do you do it? I have trouble with one.

0:47:100:47:12

You take care of hundreds.

0:47:120:47:15

- Hi. - Hi.

0:47:150:47:18

I was really good this year.

0:47:180:47:21

CHUCKLES: Is that so?

0:47:210:47:22

Are you absolutely sure about that, Pamela?

0:47:220:47:24

I want a dollhouse and a swimming pool.

0:47:240:47:28

A swimming pool?

0:47:280:47:30

I'm sorry. She just insisted on talking to you.

0:47:300:47:31

It's not a problem.

0:47:310:47:33

I'll tell you what.

0:47:330:47:36

If you can promise me you'll be good,

0:47:360:47:39

I can personally guarantee you'll have a great Christmas.

0:47:390:47:42

- Yay. - Come on.

0:47:420:47:45

Kids get so nutty this time of year.

0:47:510:47:53

Is she a neighbour or something?

0:47:530:47:55

No.

0:47:550:47:56

How did you know her name?

0:47:560:47:57

Uh, the necklace said "Pamela" on it.

0:47:570:48:00

Oh, I guess I missed that.

0:48:000:48:02

I'm gonna go check on this group.

0:48:020:48:04

BELL DINGS

0:48:040:48:06

You cost me, Pamela.

0:48:100:48:12

TOY SANTA: I just couldn't sleep

0:48:130:48:15

thinking about all those rules.

0:48:150:48:17

Am I wrong? Am I right? Does it matter?

0:48:170:48:19

Couldn't have been the three gallons of cocoa I had.

0:48:190:48:23

But you understand rules, don't you?

0:48:230:48:25

You're highly decorated.

0:48:250:48:27

Look at that face. There you go.

0:48:270:48:29

There's a face only a mom would like.

0:48:290:48:32

I don't have a mom, so I wouldn't know about that.

0:48:320:48:35

Now, it's time for the big event.

0:48:350:48:38

Guess what.

0:48:380:48:41

Son, it's showtime!

0:48:410:48:43

You're in the spotlight. Get bigger, would you?

0:48:430:48:46

It's your big chance.

0:48:460:48:48

I need a little help. I need a little muscle.

0:48:480:48:51

I need a little nudge. Let's call yourself "the little nudge."

0:48:510:48:55

This won't hurt,

0:48:550:48:56

except for the electrical shock through your body.

0:48:560:48:59

I'll see you on the other side!

0:48:590:49:01

MACHINERY WHIRRING

0:49:010:49:03

- Oh. Hi. - Hi, er...

0:49:200:49:22

Looks like you're going out. I should've called.

0:49:220:49:25

- No, it's OK. Come in. - Are you sure?

0:49:250:49:27

Uh-huh.

0:49:270:49:29

Is there a problem?

0:49:330:49:35

No, no. I just, um, wond-

0:49:350:49:37

I wondered if, um, i-if you would, er,

0:49:370:49:40

if, um, i-i-if - do you...

0:49:400:49:42

Do you want to go get some noodles?

0:49:420:49:44

Or pie?

0:49:460:49:48

But I don't want to keep you from your date.

0:49:480:49:50

Oh, it's not a date.

0:49:500:49:51

It's the faculty Christmas party.

0:49:510:49:53

Oh.

0:49:530:49:54

Is that your idea of a night on the town -

0:49:540:49:57

noodles and pie?

0:49:570:49:59

Well, yes, it is. What would be your idea?

0:49:590:50:02

Pizza and a movie.

0:50:020:50:03

- Thick or thin crust? - Got to be thin.

0:50:030:50:04

Good. Movie?

0:50:040:50:06

"Two For The Road" Audrey Hepburn, Albert Finney.

0:50:060:50:09

The movie's OK, but the car was the star. '53 MGTD.

0:50:090:50:12

British racing green, wire wheels. Beautiful.

0:50:120:50:15

I'm impressed. That is a great car. My favourite car.

0:50:150:50:18

Didn't like driving them in the rain.

0:50:180:50:20

You have to push it to start it. Other than that, it's perfect.

0:50:200:50:24

It's perfect, though.

0:50:240:50:25

Yeah.

0:50:250:50:27

You know, I could drive you to your party.

0:50:290:50:31

That would be great.

0:50:310:50:32

Except for eventually, I'm going to have to get home.

0:50:320:50:35

Um, well, I-I could pick you up.

0:50:350:50:37

So you're going to drop me off, then come back and pick me up?

0:50:370:50:41

Yeah.

0:50:410:50:42

- Why don't you just stay? - All right.

0:50:420:50:45

I'll get my coat.

0:50:450:50:47

So, Mr Andretti, what are you driving?

0:50:470:50:49

You know, I think you're gonna like it.

0:50:490:50:52

LAUGHS

0:51:040:51:06

BELL DINGS

0:51:060:51:07

- Do you mind if I ask you something personal? - Please.

0:51:220:51:25

You look really different.

0:51:250:51:27

The weight.

0:51:270:51:28

Well, it's Indian teas and a lot of salves and stuff.

0:51:280:51:32

Do you want some cocoa?

0:51:320:51:33

Oh, yes.

0:51:330:51:35

Cocoa? You really have thought of everything.

0:51:350:51:38

Well, this time of year, I really shine.

0:51:380:51:41

Yeah, I can't wait till it's over.

0:51:410:51:44

Streets are crowded, malls are jammed,

0:51:440:51:46

people maxing out their credit cards.

0:51:460:51:48

When did you become such a cynic?

0:51:480:51:51

Oh, I don't know.

0:51:510:51:54

I used to love Christmas, too.

0:51:540:51:56

It was my favourite time of year

0:51:560:51:58

because it was the only day that my parents didn't fight.

0:51:580:52:01

- Oh. - Oh.

0:52:010:52:02

They were at each other all the time.

0:52:020:52:06

But on Christmas,

0:52:060:52:08

they tried really hard to make the holiday special.

0:52:080:52:11

My dad went through this charade so I would believe in Santa Claus.

0:52:110:52:14

He put a cot by the fireplace so Santa could take a nap.

0:52:140:52:17

Like he has time to take a nap.

0:52:170:52:19

You consider the amount of gifts that he would have to deliver,

0:52:190:52:22

and then why would he nap? He probably needs coffee.

0:52:220:52:24

Yeah.

0:52:240:52:26

And there was cocoa and cookies and carrots for the reindeer.

0:52:260:52:31

That's a good gesture, cos the reindeer love carrots.

0:52:310:52:34

And the thought, it's important to them, too, you know?

0:52:340:52:36

And I'd wake up, and the cocoa would be gone,

0:52:360:52:40

the cookies would be gone, the cot would be mussed,

0:52:400:52:41

and the carrots gnawed.

0:52:410:52:43

They don't gnaw carrots. They swallow carrots whole.

0:52:430:52:46

If they're good, fresh carrots, they eat them like that.

0:52:460:52:50

The stories, if you read...

0:52:500:52:52

LAUGHS

0:52:520:52:53

And there would be

0:52:530:52:55

the most incredible presents under the tree, all from Santa.

0:52:550:52:57

One year was a rocking horse,

0:52:570:53:00

and I named it Harvey.

0:53:000:53:01

And the next year was a little red wagon,

0:53:010:53:05

which I made my lemonade stand, which was great.

0:53:050:53:08

And the last year was a...baby doll -

0:53:080:53:12

it was pink and soft and beautiful.

0:53:120:53:14

Beautiful.

0:53:150:53:16

Yes.

0:53:160:53:19

I believed in Santa so much, I would get in fights

0:53:190:53:22

with kids who tried to tell me he didn't exist.

0:53:220:53:25

And one day I came home with a bloody nose,

0:53:250:53:27

and that's when my parents

0:53:270:53:29

decided to tell me to... grow up.

0:53:290:53:33

I was devastated.

0:53:330:53:35

Well, good. Good, good, Carol.

0:53:350:53:38

This is really great sleigh-riding conversation.

0:53:380:53:41

It's fine conversation.

0:53:410:53:42

A person just wants something to believe in, you know?

0:53:430:53:46

Yes, I know. Yes, I know.

0:53:460:53:50

OK, we have cocoa. We have a blanket.

0:53:500:53:54

We have a horse-drawn sleigh. The only thing that's -

0:53:540:53:58

What?

0:54:000:54:01

It's snowing.

0:54:010:54:03

Oh.

0:54:030:54:04

As if by magic.

0:54:040:54:05

That's what I was gonna say, that it should be snowing.

0:54:050:54:08

# It's been a blue

0:54:130:54:17

# blu-u-e ooh-ooh-ooh holiday

0:54:170:54:23

# Blue

0:54:230:54:24

# Since you've been gone

0:54:240:54:28

# Ooh-ooh

0:54:280:54:30

# Oh my darling

0:54:300:54:35

# Won't you

0:54:350:54:37

# Hurry, hurry home

0:54:370:54:42

# It's been a blu-u-u-ue... #

0:54:420:54:47

I owe you one.

0:54:500:54:52

# I'm all alone... #

0:54:520:54:54

It's a great party. Look.

0:54:540:54:56

That guy moved.

0:54:560:54:58

Would you excuse me for a minute?

0:54:580:55:01

Mm-hmm.

0:55:010:55:02

# I need your love to keep me... #

0:55:020:55:08

MUSIC STOPS MICROPHONE SQUEAKS

0:55:080:55:10

CROWD MURMURING

0:55:100:55:13

Uh, could I have your attention?

0:55:180:55:21

Your attention, please?

0:55:210:55:22

There we go. Hi.

0:55:220:55:24

I'm Scott Calvin, and I thought I'd step up here

0:55:240:55:27

and say the word

0:55:270:55:30

that we've all been longing to hear.

0:55:300:55:33

Fire!

0:55:330:55:34

OK.

0:55:370:55:38

What I think, folks, is that a lot of you have just forgotten

0:55:380:55:40

what the true spirit of Christmas is all about.

0:55:400:55:44

Golly, if you're not willing to dance, laugh, flirt

0:55:440:55:47

or risk your lives at the buffet,

0:55:470:55:49

I don't think we have much choice.

0:55:490:55:51

So before the choir gets out here,

0:55:510:55:52

I say we rock this house with the secret Santa.

0:55:520:55:55

Huh?

0:55:550:55:58

Carol - happy, happy Christmas.

0:55:580:56:00

I think they're just decorations for the carolers.

0:56:000:56:03

She's afraid that these are just decorations for the caroling.

0:56:030:56:07

I think Carol is right about the caroling.

0:56:070:56:09

I'm talking about the packages that are backstage.

0:56:090:56:12

There aren't any packages backstage.

0:56:120:56:14

Oh, there's none back there. SIGHS

0:56:140:56:17

So I was mistaken when I saw this bag of gifts.

0:56:170:56:20

Maybe I'm wrong, but it sure looks like a bag of gifts.

0:56:200:56:23

Oh! It's heavy like a bag of gifts.

0:56:230:56:26

Look at this.

0:56:260:56:28

What's in here?

0:56:280:56:29

It - wait.

0:56:290:56:31

Ooh, it's very heavy - very heavy.

0:56:310:56:33

John Pierce.

0:56:350:56:37

Doesn't your mom call you JJ?

0:56:370:56:39

Merry Christmas, JJ.

0:56:420:56:43

No way.

0:56:530:56:55

This is Tossacross!

0:56:560:56:59

I used to love this when I was a kid!

0:56:590:57:01

But I never told anybody.

0:57:010:57:04

Where did thi- who did this?

0:57:040:57:07

- Grace Kim. - Here I am.

0:57:080:57:11

Yes, there you are.

0:57:110:57:12

Merry Christmas.

0:57:120:57:13

Tom Astill.

0:57:130:57:14

- That's me! - Hey!

0:57:140:57:16

Sorry, Corey.

0:57:160:57:17

You haven't changed a bit, have you, Tommy?

0:57:170:57:19

- Lizzie Garcia. - Here! Here!

0:57:190:57:21

There you are. Merry Christmas.

0:57:210:57:24

Rock'em sock 'em robots!

0:57:240:57:25

Mint condition! This is incredible!

0:57:250:57:27

Holly Hobby oven!

0:57:270:57:29

EXHALES SHARPLY

0:57:290:57:31

Come on up and get the rest of your presents.

0:57:340:57:36

SPEAKING EXCITEDLY

0:57:360:57:38

- Marie? - Here.

0:57:380:57:40

There she is. Uh, Pete?

0:57:400:57:41

- Here! - Uh, Jerry?

0:57:410:57:43

- Corey. Corey? - Here!

0:57:430:57:45

BELL DINGS

0:57:450:57:47

MUSIC: "Run Rudolph Run" by Chuck Berry

0:57:500:57:52

# Out of all the reindeers

0:57:560:57:57

# You know you're the mastermind

0:57:570:58:00

# Run, run, Rudolph

0:58:010:58:04

# Randolph ain't too far behind

0:58:040:58:06

# Run, run, Rudolph

0:58:070:58:09

# Santa's got to make it to town... #

0:58:090:58:11

ALL SHOUT

0:58:110:58:13

# Santa, make him hurry

0:58:130:58:15

# Tell him he can take the freeway down... #

0:58:150:58:18

Got you again!

0:58:180:58:19

# Run, run, Rudolph

0:58:190:58:21

# Cos I'm reelin' like a merry-go-round

0:58:210:58:25

# Said Santa to a boy child... #

0:58:250:58:28

This is great. HE LAUGHS

0:58:280:58:30

Hey, party animal. You want to play?

0:58:320:58:35

I can't figure it out.

0:58:350:58:36

It's tick tack toe with beanbags.

0:58:360:58:37

No, I mean the secret Santa thing.

0:58:370:58:39

Someone tracked down and bought all those antique toys.

0:58:390:58:43

Probably someone who knows his way around eBay.

0:58:430:58:45

- Yeah. - Yep.

0:58:450:58:46

It was you. I know it was you.

0:58:460:58:49

I just can't figure out how did you do it.

0:58:490:58:51

You know, sometimes you don't need to know all the answers.

0:58:510:58:55

Speaking of which,

0:58:550:58:56

even the principal needs a Christmas gift.

0:58:560:58:59

Merry Christmas.

0:58:590:59:01

Come on, open it. Rip it open.

0:59:010:59:03

Come on. We're not gonna save the paper.

0:59:030:59:06

It's a baby doll.

0:59:280:59:29

Come here.

0:59:360:59:38

- Did you call the office? - No.

0:59:390:59:41

Did they call you?

0:59:410:59:42

It's not like that.

0:59:420:59:43

Did you investigate us? LAUGHS

0:59:430:59:45

I wouldn't do that, no.

0:59:450:59:47

I told you about baby doll an hour ago.

0:59:470:59:50

And did you send someone to...?

0:59:500:59:53

- No. - No.

0:59:530:59:54

Well, I don't know how you did it.

0:59:540:59:59

It's like some kind of magic.

0:59:591:00:01

Yeah, sort of like some kind of magic.

1:00:011:00:04

And pretty much the last that I have.

1:00:041:00:09

What? What? You know what?

1:00:091:00:11

You know what? I don't want to know.

1:00:111:00:14

What you did in there tonight, for everyone, was wonderful.

1:00:141:00:18

Thank you.

1:00:181:00:19

I'm sorry.

1:00:241:00:26

I shouldn't have done that.

1:00:261:00:29

Is that OK?

1:00:301:00:32

Yeah.

1:00:321:00:34

I got this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

1:00:351:00:39

I'm, er...

1:00:391:00:42

I'm not...

1:00:421:00:44

real good at this.

1:00:441:00:46

Um...

1:00:461:00:49

Where did that come from?

1:01:041:01:06

I don't know.

1:01:061:01:07

Hi!

1:01:191:01:20

Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho!

1:01:201:01:24

INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS BELLS CHIMING

1:01:241:01:26

BELL DINGS

1:01:291:01:30

- Can I have your attention? QUACKING

1:01:301:01:33

Stop the work, please, everybody. Stop the work.

1:01:331:01:36

Merry Christmas! QUACKING

1:01:361:01:38

That's nice. I have a little announcement to make.

1:01:381:01:41

From this moment forward, we're not gonna make any more toys.

1:01:411:01:44

ALL SPEAKING

1:01:441:01:46

The children don't deserve these presents.

1:01:461:01:49

They're running rampant with naughtiness.

1:01:491:01:51

So, for this Christmas, we're gonna give those selfish kids

1:01:511:01:54

exactly what they deserve.

1:01:541:01:58

A beautiful, high-quality, yet low-sulphur variety of coal.

1:01:581:02:02

ALL SPEAKING

1:02:021:02:04

Quiet!

1:02:051:02:06

We have to focus, all of us, on the goals ahead.

1:02:081:02:12

And just to make sure that that happens -

1:02:121:02:16

thank you, sweetie.

1:02:161:02:17

CHUCKLES

1:02:171:02:19

I-I hate to blow my own horn...

1:02:191:02:22

HONKS

1:02:221:02:24

ALL GASP

1:02:271:02:29

Oh!

1:02:321:02:33

ELVES SCREAMING

1:02:331:02:34

Stay where you are. Don't be afraid.

1:02:341:02:37

Back. Back, back, back.

1:02:411:02:43

I was up late. Couldn't sleep.

1:02:431:02:46

Milk couldn't do it, cocoa was a little sweet,

1:02:461:02:48

so I decided to make an army of toy soldiers.

1:02:481:02:51

They don't have a good sense of humour like me.

1:02:521:02:55

I would do what they ask you,

1:02:561:02:59

which is what I'm going to tell you!

1:02:591:03:02

Don't listen to him! This guy's not Santa!

1:03:021:03:05

ALL: Not Santa?!

1:03:051:03:06

< He's a toy.

1:03:061:03:08

He has a rubber face and a plastic tushy.

1:03:081:03:11

SQUEAKS

1:03:111:03:12

Oh!

1:03:121:03:14

Trust me.

1:03:141:03:15

Don't let him ruin Christmas!

1:03:151:03:17

Thank you for those kind words, Bernard.

1:03:171:03:21

Well, now that we all have an understanding -

1:03:211:03:23

have a...a joyous and merry Christmas.

1:03:231:03:28

Merry Christmas!

1:03:311:03:33

ELVES SCREAMING

1:03:361:03:37

OK, ready? Go!

1:03:411:03:43

This is what I call community service.

1:03:431:03:46

Here she comes.

1:03:461:03:47

DOOR OPENS

1:03:471:03:49

SCOTT: Hey! Attention, hooligans behind that snowbank.

1:03:491:03:53

You have snowballed the wrong house.

1:03:531:03:55

I want you to drop the snowballs,

1:03:551:03:57

kick them away from the snowsuits,

1:03:571:03:59

and keep the mittens where I can see them.

1:03:591:04:01

Your dad is hanging out with Principal Newman?

1:04:011:04:04

- Is he dating her? - No.

1:04:041:04:05

Go to your homes... >

1:04:051:04:08

and help the ones you love. GIGGLING

1:04:081:04:10

And, er, merry Christmas.

1:04:101:04:12

That is really gross, man.

1:04:121:04:14

Shut up.

1:04:141:04:16

SIGHS

1:04:181:04:20

Carol, there are some things about me you should know.

1:04:281:04:30

Some personal things.

1:04:301:04:32

We don't need to rush things.

1:04:321:04:33

I think you need to know these things.

1:04:331:04:36

OK.

1:04:361:04:38

Um... Do - um...

1:04:381:04:42

Remember the mistletoe, how it just showed up?

1:04:421:04:45

Yes.

1:04:451:04:46

And the sleigh, how magical that was?

1:04:461:04:49

Secret Santa Claus? That was me.

1:04:491:04:52

Yeah.

1:04:521:04:54

I'm not this size much.

1:04:561:04:58

I'm usually much bigger than this.

1:04:581:05:00

So am I sometimes.

1:05:001:05:01

I have a very big, white beard that's beautiful.

1:05:011:05:04

I don't.

1:05:041:05:05

I work a long way from my home.

1:05:051:05:07

When I get home, I sleep for long periods of time.

1:05:071:05:09

See? OK. It's not so bad so far.

1:05:091:05:11

You work far away from home, and you sleep a lot.

1:05:111:05:15

You've never been to prison and don't wear socks with sandals.

1:05:151:05:18

Well...

1:05:181:05:20

I'm Santa Claus.

1:05:211:05:23

What?

1:05:231:05:25

The suit. The red suit's real.

1:05:251:05:28

The North Pole is a place. There are elves.

1:05:281:05:30

Elves make the toys, and they're beautiful.

1:05:301:05:33

And it's all real. It exists. I exist.

1:05:331:05:35

- It's magical, Carol. - Cut it out.

1:05:351:05:36

I'm telling you the truth.

1:05:361:05:38

I told you something personal from my childhood,

1:05:381:05:41

and you're making a joke out of it. And it hurts.

1:05:411:05:44

I know how hard this is to believe,

1:05:441:05:47

but you've got to connect the dots.

1:05:471:05:49

Think about all of the things that have happened.

1:05:491:05:53

You felt something for me,

1:05:531:05:54

and you're acting like a mental patient because you're scared.

1:05:541:05:58

I'm not scared.

1:05:581:05:59

I deliver gifts in a sleigh pulled by reindeer.

1:05:591:06:02

I go down chimneys with burning logs,

1:06:021:06:04

and I still deliver gifts. I'm not scared.

1:06:041:06:07

If you're trying to push me away, it's working.

1:06:071:06:10

Don't make me leave.

1:06:101:06:12

Please.

1:06:121:06:13

DOOR LOCKS

1:06:231:06:25

- How could you pick her? - I didn't pick her.

1:06:401:06:43

- You don't care anymore!

1:06:431:06:44

I care more about you than anybody,

1:06:441:06:46

but it's a two-way street.

1:06:461:06:47

What am I supposed to do if you won't confide in me?

1:06:471:06:50

All right, here it is.

1:06:501:06:52

What? Talk to me.

1:06:521:06:53

I don't live a normal life.

1:06:531:06:55

- You live a great life... - Just listen to me.

1:06:551:06:58

My friends get to go around saying,

1:06:581:07:00

"My dad's a plumber, my dad's a pilot, my dad's a dentist."

1:07:001:07:03

Well, you know what?

1:07:031:07:04

My dad is the best thing of all,

1:07:041:07:06

and I can't tell anyone about it.

1:07:061:07:09

You have no idea how hard that is

1:07:091:07:11

walking around with that secret for all these years.

1:07:111:07:14

And now you're going out with Principal Newman,

1:07:141:07:17

and you don't even tell me about it?

1:07:171:07:19

My whole life has become about secrets, and I hate it!

1:07:191:07:22

I'm sorry.

1:07:241:07:27

Forget about Principal Newman, all right?

1:07:281:07:30

And forget about Santa. I'm done.

1:07:301:07:33

HE SIGHS My time's up.

1:07:341:07:37

Who cares anymore? SNIFFLES

1:07:371:07:41

Hi, Charlie.

1:07:451:07:47

Hi, Lucy.

1:07:471:07:48

What are you doing?

1:07:481:07:50

Just shovelling.

1:07:501:07:51

Oh. Charlie, is Uncle Scott Santa Claus?

1:07:511:07:55

No, of course not. Why would you think that?

1:07:551:07:58

I don't know. How come Uncle Scott was so sad today?

1:07:581:08:02

What makes you think he was sad?

1:08:021:08:04

I asked him to stick a straw in his nose

1:08:041:08:07

and blow bubbles in his milk, and he said no.

1:08:071:08:09

Whatever.

1:08:091:08:11

- Can you talk to him? - I don't think so, Lucy.

1:08:111:08:13

- Did you have a fight? - Sort of.

1:08:131:08:15

- Are you gonna make up? - I don't know!

1:08:151:08:17

Are you gonna be mad forever?

1:08:171:08:19

- Lucy! - What?

1:08:191:08:20

These are really hard questions.

1:08:201:08:22

No, they're not. They're easy.

1:08:221:08:24

And you can't be mad at him forever, Charlie.

1:08:241:08:27

He's your daddy and you love him.

1:08:271:08:29

SIGHS

1:08:351:08:37

TOY SANTA: # Dashing through the snow

1:08:371:08:39

# In a strip-mining machine

1:08:391:08:41

# Flatten the hills we go... #

1:08:411:08:44

Come on.

1:08:441:08:45

Put a smile on that face, little troll.

1:08:451:08:49

Hey, I got a little joke just to cheer you up.

1:08:491:08:51

Knock, knock.

1:08:511:08:53

Who's there?

1:08:531:08:54

CHUCKLES

1:08:541:08:55

- Aren'tcha. - Aren'tcha who?

1:08:551:08:57

Aren't you supposed to get back to work?!

1:08:571:09:00

All of you, you little idiots! Back to work!

1:09:001:09:03

Got any twos?

1:09:031:09:06

Hmm.

1:09:061:09:09

Go fish.

1:09:091:09:10

EXPLOSION CURTIS: Whoa! Whoa!

1:09:121:09:14

Whoa!

1:09:141:09:16

Who-o-o-a!

1:09:161:09:17

CLANG

1:09:171:09:18

What was that?

1:09:181:09:21

I don't know.

1:09:211:09:23

I'm gonna get more hot chocolate. Do you want some?

1:09:231:09:26

- Mm-hmm. - OK.

1:09:261:09:27

DOORBELL RINGS

1:09:271:09:29

- Would you get that, honey? - Yeah, sure.

1:09:291:09:32

Is...Scott here?

1:09:341:09:37

Who are you?

1:09:371:09:38

Uh...Curtis, a friend from Buffalo.

1:09:381:09:42

Are you an elf?

1:09:421:09:44

LAUGHING: Of course not.

1:09:441:09:46

Why would you ask such a silly question?

1:09:461:09:48

How come you have pointy ears?

1:09:481:09:50

It's because I never ate my green vegetables.

1:09:501:09:55

Do you eat your green vegetables?

1:09:551:09:58

Uncle Scott!

1:10:011:10:04

Yeah, I'm right here. What's wrong?

1:10:041:10:07

Oh, Curtis. What are you doing here?

1:10:071:10:09

There's a little trouble at the...plant.

1:10:091:10:12

It's OK. Curtis is a very old friend of mine.

1:10:121:10:14

We have a large firm. We work together in, er...

1:10:141:10:17

- Buffalo. - Buffalo?

1:10:171:10:20

We work together in Buffalo.

1:10:201:10:22

So we're gonna talk about some business.

1:10:221:10:24

What business?

1:10:241:10:25

I say it's business that's none of your business.

1:10:251:10:28

Soon I'm gonna be seven, and then I can know things.

1:10:281:10:31

Good night, Curtis.

1:10:311:10:32

- Good night, Lucy. - Good night, Lucy.

1:10:321:10:34

What's up?

1:10:341:10:35

The toy Santa's completely out of control.

1:10:351:10:38

He's locked up the elves, shut down the workshop,

1:10:381:10:41

and he's gonna give the whole world coal!

1:10:411:10:44

How come Bernard didn't tell me?

1:10:441:10:45

- He's under house arrest. - Bernard?

1:10:451:10:47

You've got to fly back with me to save Christmas!

1:10:471:10:50

I can't. I have no magic left. Look.

1:10:501:10:52

GROANS I thought you had Comet.

1:10:521:10:55

Yeah, we...

1:10:551:10:57

- Aha! - Yes! Come on.

1:10:581:11:01

Hey, Comet! We just...

1:11:021:11:04

COMET GROANS

1:11:051:11:07

Comet?

1:11:071:11:09

Comet.

1:11:091:11:10

Look at me. Look at me!

1:11:131:11:15

Comet!

1:11:151:11:17

What are you doing?

1:11:191:11:21

You're not supposed to eat sugar, it's bad for you.

1:11:211:11:23

HE GRUNTS

1:11:231:11:25

What do you mean you didn't eat this?

1:11:251:11:27

HE GRUNTS

1:11:271:11:29

Who did?

1:11:291:11:30

GRUNTING A squirrel?

1:11:301:11:32

Well, get this, you've gotta fly both of us back to the North Pole.

1:11:341:11:37

GRUNTING

1:11:371:11:38

Uh-huh, tonight.

1:11:381:11:40

LOW GROAN

1:11:401:11:41

I'll help you up. All right? Ready? You've got to help me a bit here.

1:11:411:11:45

HE STRAINS

1:11:451:11:48

Ah! Good, good.

1:11:501:11:52

OK, we almost got it.

1:11:521:11:54

That's OK, that's OK.

1:11:541:11:56

Now, help me. Can you move anything?

1:11:581:12:01

COMET STRAINS

1:12:031:12:06

Fire the hole! Get away.

1:12:081:12:09

COMET BREAKS WIND LOUDLY

1:12:101:12:12

Whoa! Eat some roughage, will you?

1:12:141:12:17

- What about the jetpack? - It kinda burned up on re-entry.

1:12:181:12:23

What am I supposed to do?

1:12:251:12:27

Grow wings?

1:12:271:12:29

I hope he doesn't have too many stops to make tonight.

1:12:311:12:36

You and me both, pal.

1:12:361:12:38

OK. Let's just get it over with.

1:12:381:12:40

Uh, OK.

1:12:401:12:42

One...two...

1:12:421:12:45

..three!

1:12:461:12:48

Uhh! THUD

1:12:481:12:50

What's going on down there?

1:12:501:12:52

Are you sure about this?

1:12:521:12:53

What, the old toaster trick?

1:12:531:12:55

When we were kids, we used to do this to get extra cash.

1:12:551:12:59

- Works every time. - I can't watch this.

1:12:591:13:00

You ready, buddy?

1:13:011:13:02

All right. Let her rip.

1:13:021:13:04

One...

1:13:041:13:06

- two... - two...

1:13:061:13:08

- three! - Ooh!

1:13:081:13:09

Whoa! Oh! Ow!

1:13:091:13:12

Oh! Ooh!

1:13:121:13:13

Uh!

1:13:131:13:14

Oh, Scott!

1:13:141:13:17

- Scott... - Uh!

1:13:171:13:18

- Scott, are you all right? - Oh!

1:13:181:13:20

- Mom? > - Yes?

1:13:201:13:22

I lost another tooth. Should I put it under my pillow?

1:13:221:13:25

Yes!

1:13:251:13:26

WIND RUSHING

1:13:321:13:33

COIN CLINKS

1:13:441:13:45

Bicuspids!

1:13:551:13:57

- I... - Shh!

1:13:571:13:59

Come this way. Come on, come on.

1:13:591:14:01

Curtis, get the door. It's a tooth fairy ambush.

1:14:011:14:04

DOOR HINGES CREAKING

1:14:041:14:06

DOOR CLOSES

1:14:061:14:08

What do you want? I only carry 20 in change.

1:14:081:14:11

Shh! Tooth fairy, it's me - Santa.

1:14:111:14:13

I've lost the weight and the beard, but it's me.

1:14:131:14:16

I know Santa. Santa is a friend. And you, sir, are no Santa.

1:14:161:14:19

I am too Santa. How did I know I could capture you

1:14:191:14:21

by holding on to your wings?

1:14:211:14:23

You wanted to change your name to Captain Floss or Plaque Man,

1:14:231:14:27

or, as I recall, Roy.

1:14:271:14:28

And it was Santa's idea to call you The Molinator.

1:14:281:14:31

Oh.

1:14:311:14:33

- Who's the kid? - That's Curtis.

1:14:331:14:35

He's an elf. Look.

1:14:351:14:37

Ow.

1:14:371:14:39

Santa!

1:14:391:14:40

LAUGHS

1:14:401:14:42

The Molinator at your service.

1:14:421:14:46

CURTIS: A little altitude, please!

1:14:461:14:47

What?

1:14:471:14:48

Could you possibly fly a little higher?

1:14:481:14:51

Ooh! CLANG

1:14:511:14:52

What?! THUD

1:14:521:14:53

Never mind! CAR ALARM BLARING

1:14:531:14:56

Principal Newman?

1:15:031:15:05

What is it, Charlie?

1:15:051:15:07

You keep asking me if there's something bothering me.

1:15:071:15:11

Well, there is.

1:15:111:15:14

I...I couldn't talk about it before,

1:15:141:15:17

but...I want to talk about it now.

1:15:171:15:20

OK. Go ahead.

1:15:201:15:23

My dad is Santa.

1:15:231:15:25

Oh, please, Charlie. Not you, too.

1:15:251:15:27

Hold on.

1:15:271:15:29

If you have no feelings for my dad, then fine.

1:15:291:15:32

But if the only reason for not being with him

1:15:321:15:34

is you don't believe in him,

1:15:341:15:36

then you're making a big mistake.

1:15:361:15:38

Oh, Charlie.

1:15:381:15:40

Here.

1:15:401:15:41

I want you to take this.

1:15:431:15:45

Look into this

1:15:451:15:47

and try to remember what it was like when you were little

1:15:471:15:50

and you still believed in Christmas.

1:15:501:15:52

Seeing isn't believing.

1:16:141:16:17

Believing is seeing.

1:16:171:16:18

You haven't seen anything yet.

1:16:201:16:23

- Curtis? - What?!

1:16:271:16:28

What do I do? Slow down, slow down, slow down.

1:16:281:16:31

OK, OK. Piece of cake. Attaboy. There you go.

1:16:311:16:34

GRUNTING Why can't you fly higher?

1:16:341:16:36

GRUNTS

1:16:361:16:37

I want to thank you. I'll never forget this.

1:16:371:16:40

I wish I could do more, but I got to go.

1:16:401:16:42

Denver just started a peewee hockey league.

1:16:421:16:44

Before you go, I want you to know

1:16:441:16:45

nobody was braver than you were today.

1:16:451:16:48

You should be proud of your wings.

1:16:481:16:50

They're not too girly?

1:16:521:16:53

Not on you.

1:16:531:16:54

LAUGHING

1:16:541:16:56

LAUGHS

1:17:001:17:02

Wouldn't it be easier to go through the workshop?

1:17:031:17:06

That way, Santa and his soldiers would be expecting us.

1:17:061:17:09

Sound military strategy involves taking your enemy by surprise.

1:17:091:17:13

It's good strategy.

1:17:131:17:14

Sometimes being a despot is a tough business.

1:17:151:17:19

LAUGHS

1:17:191:17:20

Come on.

1:17:201:17:21

HUMMING

1:17:211:17:24

Here we are.

1:17:241:17:26

It's Scott, isn't it?

1:17:261:17:28

Yeah. What are you supposed to be?

1:17:281:17:30

A better, stronger version of what you used to be.

1:17:301:17:34

With a flawless complexion, I might add.

1:17:341:17:37

Look, it just glistens.

1:17:371:17:39

Listen to me - I'm back now, so untie us.

1:17:391:17:41

Let the elves go, and give me back the coat.

1:17:411:17:44

Oh, I...er...

1:17:441:17:47

MUMBLING

1:17:471:17:49

Uh, no can do!

1:17:491:17:50

It's Christmas Eve! I have coal to deliver!

1:17:501:17:52

I don't want those naughty kids to suffer.

1:17:521:17:55

Boys! One, two, three!

1:17:551:17:58

And...one, two - try to keep up.

1:17:581:18:01

Let's go! Move it on!

1:18:011:18:03

Try to -

1:18:031:18:04

This is just too tight.

1:18:041:18:06

SIGHS This is all my fault.

1:18:061:18:09

I thought I could create another Santa.

1:18:091:18:12

My elfin pride blinded me to all reason.

1:18:121:18:16

There's only one Santa.

1:18:161:18:18

Well, I've done a pretty rotten job.

1:18:181:18:21

I didn't check the list twice.

1:18:211:18:23

My kid thinks I betrayed him.

1:18:231:18:27

I hurt the woman I love.

1:18:271:18:29

I ruined Christmas.

1:18:291:18:32

SIGHS

1:18:331:18:35

Charlie! Charlie, how'd you get up here?

1:18:391:18:43

Get us out of this, come on.

1:18:451:18:47

Scott!

1:18:481:18:49

I got to fly in with the tooth fairy.

1:18:491:18:51

- Yeah. - Yeah.

1:18:511:18:53

- Are you OK? - Yeah.

1:18:531:18:54

Brush between meals and don't forget the floss.

1:18:541:18:58

And, if anybody cares, I'm exhausted.

1:18:581:19:00

And she has a beautiful smile.

1:19:001:19:04

Thank you for everything, my friend.

1:19:041:19:06

No, thank you.

1:19:061:19:08

I am... The Molinator!

1:19:081:19:11

LAUGHING

1:19:111:19:13

Whoo!

1:19:141:19:16

I need some help. Come on!

1:19:161:19:18

CHILDREN SHOUTING

1:19:181:19:20

Hyah!

1:19:331:19:34

WHISTLES

1:19:451:19:47

GASPS

1:19:471:19:49

INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS

1:19:491:19:50

What are you doing?

1:19:501:19:52

You got to save Christmas.

1:19:521:19:53

How am I supposed to save...?

1:19:531:19:55

IMITATING FANFARE

1:19:551:19:56

HOOVES SCREECHING AND CLATTERING

1:19:561:19:58

- No, no, no, no. - Don't worry.

1:19:581:20:01

GRUNTS

1:20:011:20:02

ALL: Whoa!

1:20:021:20:05

Slow down. Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

1:20:051:20:08

Stay, stay. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1:20:081:20:09

Aaaaaahhhhhh!

1:20:091:20:11

Oh!

1:20:111:20:12

ALL: Ooh!

1:20:121:20:14

GRUNTING: Oh, Chet did a no-no.

1:20:141:20:16

Oh. Ouch. Ow! Oh! Oh!

1:20:161:20:19

Oh! Oh!

1:20:191:20:20

Thanks.

1:20:201:20:21

Excuse me, Porkchop.

1:20:211:20:23

OK, Chet, this is it. You ready to rock'n'roll?

1:20:231:20:26

Chet?

1:20:261:20:27

Yeah. He's still in training.

1:20:271:20:29

How much flight time has he had?

1:20:291:20:31

About a minute and a half.

1:20:311:20:33

Hey, but he's had a lot of crash time.

1:20:331:20:35

- Curtis. - He's just a baby.

1:20:351:20:38

All right. Let's see what this baby can do, all right?

1:20:381:20:43

I'm ready to go, buddy.

1:20:431:20:44

You know what we got to do.

1:20:441:20:46

Hyah!

1:20:461:20:48

GRUNTING

1:20:481:20:49

CROWD CHEERING

1:20:491:20:51

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Chet, Chet!

1:20:511:20:54

CHET GRUNT AND GIGGLES

1:20:541:20:55

Chet, you got to focus, Chet.

1:20:551:20:59

CHEERING CONTINUES

1:20:591:21:02

OK! OK, everybody! Outside now!

1:21:021:21:05

ALL SHOUTING

1:21:051:21:07

Climb up there, boys. Let's go!

1:21:071:21:10

LAUGHS

1:21:101:21:11

Chet, Chet! Whoa, whoa!

1:21:131:21:14

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

1:21:141:21:16

SHOUTING CONTINUES

1:21:161:21:18

SHOUTING STOPS

1:21:261:21:28

Snowballs on three!

1:21:301:21:33

One...

1:21:331:21:34

..two...

1:21:361:21:39

..three!

1:21:431:21:45

SHOUTING

1:21:451:21:47

METAL CLANKING

1:21:471:21:48

SHOUTING STOPS

1:21:591:22:01

OK, elves.

1:22:031:22:05

Let's get 'em!

1:22:051:22:07

ALL SHOUTING

1:22:071:22:08

N-n-not so far!

1:22:131:22:14

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Chet!

1:22:141:22:16

Whoo!

1:22:161:22:17

Back for more action, eh, scooter?

1:22:171:22:19

Chet! Chet!

1:22:191:22:20

LAUGHS

1:22:201:22:21

CHET: I'm faster than you!

1:22:211:22:23

Cut the chitchat, Chet!

1:22:231:22:25

Why is this such a problem? Come on!

1:22:251:22:28

Where do you think you're going, Scott?

1:22:281:22:30

Go, go!

1:22:301:22:31

Hyah, boys! Come on!

1:22:311:22:32

Hi, guys! CHET GIGGLES

1:22:321:22:34

Faster!

1:22:341:22:35

The lead, the lead. The one in the front, Chet.

1:22:361:22:39

Leave my reindeer alone!

1:22:391:22:41

Go, go! REINDEER BREAKS WIND

1:22:411:22:44

Come on! We got to get 'em before they get out the hole.

1:22:441:22:47

Stay away from my lead reindeer.

1:22:471:22:49

Aah!

1:22:491:22:51

IMITATING FANFARE

1:22:511:22:52

Whoo!

1:22:521:22:53

Oh! And he's an action hero(!)

1:22:531:22:56

LAUGHS: Hyah!

1:22:561:22:58

SHOUTING

1:23:071:23:09

BOING!

1:23:131:23:14

BOING!

1:23:141:23:16

BOING!

1:23:161:23:18

What the heck are you doing up there?

1:23:181:23:21

I can't see where I'm driving.

1:23:211:23:23

Uhhh! Oh!

1:23:231:23:25

You are a sad, strange little man.

1:23:251:23:27

Whoa!

1:23:271:23:29

You're gonna fall...I hope.

1:23:311:23:33

SCOTT GROANS TOY SANTA LAUGHS

1:23:331:23:34

That's a good way to lose an eye.

1:23:341:23:37

LAUGHS

1:23:371:23:38

Oh! Oh! Oh!

1:23:381:23:40

Look out!

1:23:401:23:41

You're scaring me!

1:23:411:23:42

Can I help you?

1:23:491:23:50

Honey, I'm home!

1:23:501:23:53

Whoa! Oh! Oh!

1:23:531:23:55

TOY SANTA LAUGHS

1:23:551:23:58

Loser!

1:23:581:24:00

Aah!

1:24:001:24:01

No!

1:24:011:24:02

Oh!

1:24:041:24:05

SCOTT: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!

1:24:051:24:07

SHOUTING

1:24:071:24:09

LAUGHTER

1:24:191:24:22

Aaaaahhhhh!

1:24:251:24:29

Aaaaaahhhhhh!

1:24:291:24:30

CABLE WHIRRING

1:24:301:24:31

SHOUTING CONTINUES

1:24:361:24:38

LAUGHING

1:24:471:24:49

Aah! Hey! I'm supposed to wear this coat.

1:24:501:24:52

How 'bout a little elbow for you?

1:24:521:24:54

Ow!

1:24:541:24:55

That's got to feel good.

1:24:551:24:57

You want the shoe, take it off.

1:24:571:24:59

Come on!

1:24:591:25:00

MUTTERING

1:25:001:25:03

Wait a minute!

1:25:031:25:04

- Huh?! - Huh?!

1:25:051:25:07

What are you gonna do now, smarty-pants?

1:25:071:25:10

SCOTT: Watch out! Uh, er, the building! Aah! Aah!

1:25:111:25:14

TOY SANTA: Oh, well. The town will break the fall.

1:25:141:25:17

SHOUTING

1:25:171:25:19

Oh! Aah! Aah!

1:25:201:25:22

Look out! Oh!

1:25:221:25:23

BOING! BOING!

1:25:231:25:24

Try and stop me!

1:25:261:25:28

Whoa! Ow! Ow! Uh!

1:25:311:25:34

SHOUTING Get off of me!

1:25:341:25:37

Now, remember, rules are very important.

1:25:371:25:39

I want hot chocolate.

1:25:391:25:41

SCOTT: Hey, guys, back up.

1:25:411:25:43

I've got a very special place for him.

1:25:431:25:45

TOY SANTA: Let me out of here! You kids!

1:25:451:25:47

Wait a minute. Something's shocking me.

1:25:471:25:49

- Dad, you were great. - You were pretty good, too.

1:25:491:25:52

- Where's Carol? - Scott! >

1:25:521:25:54

- Carol, are you all right? - Where are you going?

1:25:541:25:57

It's Christmastime. I got to deliver gifts.

1:25:571:26:00

Aren't you forgetting something?

1:26:001:26:02

- No. - You got to get married.

1:26:021:26:03

Excuse me?

1:26:031:26:05

Carol, I, er...

1:26:081:26:10

I cannot continue being Santa... unless I find a Mrs Claus.

1:26:101:26:15

INHALES SHARPLY Oh.

1:26:151:26:17

So that's what the whole noodles-and-pie thing -

1:26:171:26:20

you just needed to find a wife.

1:26:201:26:22

- No. - No?

1:26:221:26:24

Yes.

1:26:241:26:26

Yes?

1:26:261:26:28

Yes, I was looking for a wife.

1:26:281:26:30

No, I didn't figure on falling...in love.

1:26:301:26:34

You love me?

1:26:371:26:39

This is all happening so fast.

1:26:411:26:44

Well, there's no pressure.

1:26:441:26:46

INHALES DEEPLY Good.

1:26:461:26:47

I mean, if I don't get married, I just won't deliver the gifts.

1:26:471:26:51

And...children everywhere will stop believing.

1:26:511:26:55

The elves will lose their jobs,

1:26:551:26:57

The North Pole will disappear, and Christmas will be gone.

1:26:571:27:00

(Get down on one knee.)

1:27:041:27:06

(Do it. Now!)

1:27:061:27:08

Say, "Carol."

1:27:111:27:13

Carol.

1:27:151:27:16

Uh...yeah?

1:27:161:27:18

(You say this is happening all so fast...)

1:27:181:27:23

You say this is happening all so fast...

1:27:231:27:25

(But you've known me your whole life.)

1:27:251:27:29

But you've known me your whole life.

1:27:291:27:31

(When you were little and alone...)

1:27:311:27:33

When you were little and alone...

1:27:331:27:35

- Santa... - Santa... I can take it from here.

1:27:351:27:38

Santa was always there for you.

1:27:381:27:40

And I will be there for you as long as you believe in me.

1:27:401:27:43

I know I'm asking you to leave everything at home,

1:27:431:27:45

but I can guarantee you that this is worth it.

1:27:451:27:48

This place...

1:27:481:27:50

This place is all about magic and love and wonder...

1:27:501:27:56

And, occasionally, a thin-crust pizza

1:27:561:28:00

and a movie on a long winter night.

1:28:001:28:04

Is there a school here?

1:28:041:28:05

We have one.

1:28:081:28:09

A school - the elves - we need a new principal.

1:28:091:28:12

cos as of late,

1:28:121:28:14

some of the elves have been acting a bit impish.

1:28:141:28:17

Carol...

1:28:211:28:23

- I love you. - You do?

1:28:251:28:28

Would you be my wife?

1:28:281:28:30

(I will.)

1:28:321:28:33

(Thank you. I've got it from here.)

1:28:341:28:36

I will.

1:28:411:28:43

By the powers vested in me, by me...

1:28:481:28:51

..I now pronounce you, Santa...

1:28:531:28:55

..and Mrs Claus.

1:28:551:28:57

Well, go on, now.

1:29:001:29:02

Kiss her.

1:29:021:29:03

ALL: Aw!

1:29:091:29:12

CLOCK CHIMES

1:29:151:29:17

GURGLING

1:29:171:29:20

CHEERING

1:29:201:29:22

Dad, we got to go.

1:29:321:29:34

We got to go. Walk me to my sleigh.

1:29:341:29:36

Watch out. We got to go.

1:29:361:29:38

Get back and start making some more toys.

1:29:381:29:40

All right.

1:29:451:29:47

Well, Mrs Claus,

1:29:471:29:48

You might want to get some rest.

1:29:481:29:50

You see, tomorrow begins vacation season for me,

1:29:501:29:53

which means a three-month honeymoon for us.

1:29:531:29:56

LAUGHS

1:29:561:29:58

Ah, nothing tropical.

1:29:581:29:59

You do not want to see this in a speedo.

1:29:591:30:02

Don't be home too late.

1:30:021:30:04

And so it begins.

1:30:051:30:08

Boys, we've got some toys to deliver.

1:30:081:30:09

Hyah!

1:30:091:30:11

SHOUTING

1:30:111:30:13

HOOFBEATS

1:30:191:30:21

DOOR HINGES CREAKING

1:30:241:30:26

(Lucy.)

1:30:331:30:34

What, Charlie?

1:30:351:30:37

Come downstairs with me.

1:30:371:30:39

I want you to see something.

1:30:391:30:40

Lucy. Watch this.

1:30:501:30:53

Oh!

1:31:001:31:01

Uncle Scott?

1:31:091:31:11

Do you have any twos?

1:31:151:31:16

Go fish! You are Santa!

1:31:161:31:19

I knew it was you all along.

1:31:191:31:22

And you were right.

1:31:221:31:23

Uncle Scott...

1:31:231:31:25

You look all rosy. Are you feeling better?

1:31:251:31:28

I'm feeling much, much better.

1:31:281:31:30

Is there anything else I should know about?

1:31:301:31:33

I don't know. But, you know,

1:31:331:31:35

I think Charlie has something he wants to tell you.

1:31:351:31:37

OK.

1:31:371:31:38

You know, Lucy, I was exactly your age

1:31:401:31:43

when I found out my dad was Santa,

1:31:431:31:45

- but I couldn't tell anybody. - I can't tell anybody either?

1:31:451:31:48

No. But knowing it isn't a burden.

1:31:481:31:51

It's a gift.

1:31:521:31:53

Most kids stop believing in Santa when they grow up,

1:31:551:31:58

but I get to believe in him forever.

1:31:581:32:00

I love you, Charlie. Thank you.

1:32:001:32:03

But do I still get toys?

1:32:091:32:10

If you ever get to bed and go to sleep like the other kids.

1:32:101:32:14

Oh, OK.

1:32:141:32:16

Merry Christmas, Lucy.

1:32:161:32:18

Merry Christmas, Santa.

1:32:181:32:20

Sport, I got to fly.

1:32:201:32:23

WIND RUSHING

1:32:231:32:26

HOOFBEATS

1:32:291:32:31

Come on.

1:32:311:32:32

Easy, boys, easy.

1:32:381:32:40

CHET GROANING

1:32:401:32:41

And you're getting it, Chet.

1:32:411:32:43

GRUNTING

1:32:541:32:56

Look, Charlie!

1:32:561:32:59

Merry Christmas, Comet!

1:32:591:33:01

SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING

1:33:051:33:07

All right, boys!

1:33:071:33:08

Hyah! Ho ho ho!

1:33:101:33:12

Hyah!

1:33:121:33:15

Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!

1:33:151:33:19

REINDEER GRUNTING

1:33:191:33:21

They're all in a straight line, Chet!

1:33:211:33:23

Chet! CHET GIGGLES

1:33:231:33:25

Chet!!

1:33:251:33:27

SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING

1:33:361:33:38

Music: "Everybody Loves Christmas" by Eddie Money

1:33:381:33:41

It's 'round the corner now.

1:33:411:33:43

Don't you love it?

1:33:441:33:45

All right.

1:33:461:33:47

# Everybody loves Christmas

1:33:491:33:52

# Everybody has fun

1:33:521:33:54

# The time of the year, the holiday cheer

1:33:551:33:58

# A good time for everyone

1:33:581:34:00

# Everybody loves Christmas

1:34:001:34:03

# I'm counting the ways

1:34:031:34:06

# You'll know when it's almost here

1:34:061:34:09

# On Christmas day

1:34:091:34:12

# Christmas day... #

1:34:121:34:14

Music: "Santa Claus lane" by Hilary Duff

1:34:141:34:18

# I remember last Christmas Eve... #

1:34:181:34:21

Hey!

1:34:211:34:22

# Something happened that I couldn't believe... #

1:34:221:34:24

What the heck are we doing out here?

1:34:241:34:26

# I went for a walk as the snow came down

1:34:261:34:30

# And when it stopped... #

1:34:301:34:31

If we're gonna dance, dance like this.

1:34:311:34:34

All of us.

1:34:341:34:35

Everybody, you idiot!

1:34:351:34:38

Hey, lady! What's this?

1:34:401:34:43

Ever seen a toy do this?

1:34:431:34:45

Ha-ha-ha!

1:34:461:34:48

Where are you going?

1:34:481:34:49

Subtitles by the National Captioning Institute

1:34:491:34:52

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