The Cat in the Hat

NARRATOR: 'There are kajillions of stories

'Of mischief and fun

'But to keep things simple

'Let's start with just one

'About a mom and two kids

'And a house and a hat

'That oddly enough

'Was worn by a cat

'But soon enough

'We'll get to all that

'In the valley that stretches

'From this hill to that hill

'A city is nestled

'That city is Anville.'

Any more tutti-frutti?

NARRATOR: 'It's a town that's not huge

'But quite big enough...' WHISTLE BLOWS

'..For buyers and sellers

'To sell and buy stuff

'From shoes and shirts

'And elongated ladders

'To sailboats and gibblegrated

'Berry juice bladders

'So our story begins

'At the corner of Main and Montroob...'

There you go.

'..In the spotless real estate office

'Run by Hank Humberfloob.'

WOMAN: Humberfloob Real Estate.

How can we make your dreams come true?

What do you mean, you're leaving?

You're a baby-sitter.

Baby-sitters don't leave, they sit.

Baby-leavers leave.

GIRL ON PHONE: 'I'm sorry. I really gotta go, Mrs Walden.'

Well, I need to come home right away.

'I forgot.'

All right. Thank you, Amy.

'Sorry.'

GEARS CLICK

Attention, everyone!

It's 9.02!

Staff meeting! Staff meeting!

Look alive, everyone.

First, I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member

of the Humberfloob family,

Jim McFlinnagan! LIGHT APPLAUSE

Mr Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you.

Fired.

I beg your pardon?

Fired.

But I...

FIRED!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

As you know, tonight is our bimonthly meet-and-greet party.

Tonight's host is...

Joan Walden.

LIGHT APPLAUSE This is where people

can meet our real estate agents

in an informal, yet hygienic, setting.

Mr Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.

Ah, yes.

Your children.

Joan, let me make this perfectly clear.

If your house is as messy as last time...

..you're FIRED!

That's pretty clear, Mr Humberfloob.

Don't worry.

I promise, my kids will be on their best behaviour.

Great.

PHONE RINGS

WOMAN: Humberfloob Real Estate.

How can we make your dreams come true?

Please hold.

NARRATOR: 'If you leave Humberfloob's

'And turn left onto Main

'Three miles down

'You'll find Lipplapper Lane

'A pleasant enough street

'In a pleasant enough way

'Where neighbour greeted neighbour

'With a neighbourly, "Hey."'

-Hey. -Hey.

NARRATOR: 'Here the hedges were hedged

'The weeds were all weeded

'And lawns were mowed daily

'Twice daily, if needed

'And at the end of this street

'In a house like any other

'Something magical would happen

'To a sister and her brother.'

BARKING

Shh! Nevins, stealth mode.

Today's to-do list.

"NUMBER ONE: Make to-do list.

"NUMBER TWO: Practise colouring.

"NUMBER THREE: Research graduate schools.

"NUMBER FOUR: Be spontaneous.

"NUMBER FIVE: Create lasting childhood memories.

And "NUMBER SIX: amend will."

What is he doing?

GRUNTS

CLATTERING

SIGHS

GRUNTS

WHIMPERS

BEEPS

"NUMBER TEN: Make tomorrow's to-do list."

WHIMPERS

Ladies and gentlemen! NEVINS BARKS

Nevins, your attention, please.

You are about to witness

the third most spectacular stunt ever performed under this roof!

Do you know how hard it's getting

to tell people that we're related?

Relax.

I'll put everything back.

NEVINS WHIMPERS

And now for the indoor stair luge!

Indoor stair luge? I'll have to add this one to my list.

Go have no fun somewhere else.

It...

is...show time!

WHINES

Whoa...!

YELLING

JOAN GASPS

WOMAN: Oh, my word.

BARKING

Nevins!

Nevins! Come back!

Hey, Mom. What's up?

You are so lucky you didn't ruin this dress.

Mom, I know you're angry,

but there's something you need to know.

This was all Sally's fault.

Oh, really?

And how exactly was it Sally's fault?

Uh, give me a minute. I'm working on it.

Save it, Conrad.

Why today?

Why did you have to pick today

to destroy the house?

You know what's happening today.

I tried to tell him, Mom.

"Mom's throwing a very important party," I said.

"All of her important clients will be here."

But he went right ahead and wrecked the house

and let Nevins get away.

Now, again, I hope you're going to ground him.

Yes, Sally, for a week. But that's none of your business.

CONRAD: A week? Come on, two days.

JOAN: I asked you to do one thing today, Conrad -

keep the house clean.

Do you know how frustrating it is

that you're always doing the exact opposite of what I say?

MAN: Knock, knock, knock.

Someone lose a dog?

I found him next door

in my yard...again.

JOAN: You are a saint.

And here I thought you were only dating me

for my good looks.

Lucky us. Larry Quinn is here.

Hey, sport.

Call me Lawrence, OK?

You rescued Nevins!

Thanks, Lawrence!

It was my pleasure, Sally.

Anything for my little princess.

Oh, I don't want to be a princess.

In a constitutional monarchy,

parliament has all the real power.

I see. OK. That's great.

Uh, look, pal, be a sport, and why don't you go and, er,

tidy up the living room, OK, dude?

I don't have to listen to you, Larry.

Conrad, do what Lawrence says.

HE SIGHS

Have you given some thought about the Wilhelm Academy?

You mean, the Colonel Wilhelm

Military Academy For Troubled Youth?

That's the one, Joan.

I'm not sure it's right for Conrad.

Oh, Joan. SHE SPRAYS CLEANER

Joan.

Joan, Joan, Joan.

I have so much respect for you, Joan.

Single mother,

career woman, raising two children on your own,

and still finding time to be

the best darn real estate agent in town.

I know how hard it is, Joan.

It is hard.

Oh, I know.

And I know how hard you're trying.

This is a once-in-a- lifetime proposition,

and you must act now.

The Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy For Troubled Youth

is what we call in the sales game a win-win scenario.

A top-flight military school

and it's only...eight hours away.

PHONE RINGS, SHE GASPS

Oh, the phone.

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

I heard what you said.

I'm not going to military school, Larry.

Look, buddy, I know I'm not your dad,

and this is probably really strange for you, you know,

your neighbour's dating your mom, but...

here's the thing, son. Come here.

I don't like you, either,

but I'm gonna marry your mom.

And if it was up to me,

you'd be at military school today.

I'm not going to military school.

Oh, I think you're going to love it.

It's just like summer camp,

except with brutal forced marches

and soul-crushing discipline.

And one more thing,

it's Lawrence, you snot-nosed, little son of a...

wonderful woman who I'm absolutely crazy about!

Gosh, I love children!

Oh, Joan, I didn't see you there.

HE GRUNTS Lawrence, would you be a doll

and help me bring up the extra chairs from the basement?

Oh, nothing would give me more pleasure, Joan,

but I do have to run. I have an important sales conference downtown.

Oh, OK.

Well, I'll see you at the party tonight.

Sure. HE SNORTS

Mom, that guy's a total phoney.

You can't let Larry... It's Lawrence, Conrad.

DOORBELL RINGS

Kate's Catering.

I'm here to do your party tonight.

Oh, hi. Where's Kate?

I'm Kate.

Oh. OK.

Right this way, Kate.

Mom, you've got to listen to me...

PHONE RINGS Quiet!

Two weeks ago, you said today was good...

JOAN SCREAMS ..ergo, I scheduled it, see?

Quiet! Nevins! PHONE RINGS

NEVINS WHIMPERS

PHONE RINGS I said, quiet!

PHONE RINGS

Joan Walden Real Estate.

Be it ever so humble,

there's no place like Joan.

This is Mr Humberfloob.

Oh, hi.

Joan, I need you to come back to the office.

Today? Yes, Joan.

No problem?

No problem at all.

Great!

Oh!

What's going on, Mommy?

Mommy has to go

back to the office.

Oh, I hope Mrs Kwan can baby-sit.

Not Mrs Kwan!

Oh!

Hi, Mrs Kwan.

Hi.

I'm running late.

Thanks for baby-sitting on such short notice.

Mm, yeah.

OK, Mrs Kwan.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I'll be back in a couple of hours.

- Hi. - Conrad's grounded,

so no video games. Sally, last chance.

If you want to make cupcakes,

I can take you to your friend Ginny's house.

Ginny's not my friend anymore. NEVINS AND KWAN GROWL

Last time we made cupcakes,

she wanted to be the head chef.

I'm the head chef.

Well, what about Denise, then?

She talked back to me,

so I ordered her not to speak to me anymore.

And you don't like bossy?

I won't tolerate it.

Right.

Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules.

Conrad, no playing ball in the house, no fighting,

no answering the phone, "City morgue..."

Mommy, can't I have some rules?

No chewing tobacco.

Thanks, Mom. You have my word.

And absolutely

no-one sets foot in the living room,

or else. CONRAD: Or else what?

You're going to do what Larry said

and send me to military school?

Maybe if you'd just behave,

I wouldn't have to consider military school.

I wish I could trust you.

I wish I had a different mom.

Well, sometimes, I wish the same thing.

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

Oh.

BICYCLE BELL DINGS

Good luck with your meeting.

HE GRUNTS

KWAN: Children?

Would you like to watch television with me?

We don't have to tell your mother.

MAN TALKS ON TV

BOTH: Taiwanese parliament.

You tell them, Kwai-chang!

No more big government! BLOWS LAND, KARATE SHRIEKS

KWAN: Rip his heart out!

BLOWS LAND, GROANING

HIGH-PITCHED KARATE SHOUTS

BLOWS CONTINUE

SHE SNORES

DOG WHINES

Hit me! THUD!

NARRATOR: 'So they slumped in their chairs

'Too glum to complain.'

THUNDER RUMBLES 'And to make matters worse

'It started to rain.' BUTTERFLY GASPS

'They sat in the house

'On that cold, cold, wet day

'With no fun to have

'And no games to play

'They could just stare out the window

'Or perhaps get a nap in

'And hope that something, anything, might happen.'

Quit bothering the fish.

Fine, I'll quit bothering the fish.

- Spit hand! - Oh, gross!

Get that away from me!

Get it away! LOUD THUMPING

NARRATOR: 'Then something went bump.' What was that?

'How that bump made them jump!'

NEVINS BARKS

I think it came from the closet.

NEVINS WHINES

NEVINS BARKS

THUMPING AND CLATTERING

Conrad?

Conrad.

Come on, Conrad.

CHUCKLING

You shouldn't scare people.

You should've seen the look on your face.

It was like you saw a monster.

A monster? Where?

That could've gone better. HE LAUGHS

THEY SCREAM

SALLY: What was that?

I don't know.

It looked like a humongous cat.

Humongous?

I prefer the term "big-boned" or "jolly".

What are we hiding from? Ha-ha!

THEY SCREAM

That was a giant cat.

But that's impossible, isn't it?

CAT: It's entirely impossible.

You know, I like this hiding place a lot better.

They'll never find us here.

Scream and run.

THEY SCREAM And away they go.

Who are you? CAT: Who, me?

Why, I'm the Cat In The Hat!

There's no doubt about that!

I'm a super-fundiferous feline

Who's here to make sure that you're...

..me-line?

Key lime?

Turpen...tine?

I got nothing.

I'm not so good with the rhyming.

Not really. No.

Look, I'm a cat that can talk.

That should be enough for you people!

Oh, I don't know what's going on.

Where did you come from?

Hmm. How do I put this?

When a mommy cat

and a daddy cat love each other very much,

they decide that... Oh, no, no!

Uh, um.

Where did you come from?

My place! Where do you think?

GASPING LAUGH

No. How did you get here?

I drove!

Look, I've been here two whole minutes,

and no-one has offered me a drink. Harumph!

SALLY: Sorry, Mr Cat.

Would you like some...milk?

Milk? Uch! No!

Lactose intolerant. Gums up the works.

Oi.

You'll thank me later.

GASPING LAUGH

Hello!

Surf's up!

Yeah!

Nice spread you got here.

Homina, homina, homina,

homina!

Who is this?

GASPING LAUGH

Oh...

That's my mom.

Awkward. Yeah.

Yes, this place will do quite nicely, actually.

Yeah.

LISPING: Although those drapes are a train wreck.

HE CHUCKLES

COUCH SPRINGS GROAN

And this is the lumpiest couch I ever sat on.

Who is this dreadfully uncomfortable woman?!

SALLY: Get off her.

That's our baby-sitter.

What the...?!

Baby-sitter?

You don't need one of those, do you?

CAT: Let me get this straight.

You pay this woman

to sit on babies?

That's disgusting!

I'd do it for nothing.

HE LAUGHS

Hmm!

Now,

let's see what the old phunometer has to say.

"Phunometer"?

Yeah, it measures how fun you are.

AIR PUMPS, MECHANICAL SQUEAKING

BELL DINGS Huh? Huh?

Oh...

Ah, control freak.

Yeah.

Now you.

BELL DINGS

Whoa.

Ru... Ru...

HE CHUCKLES OK.

RESTRAINED CHUCKLING Uh...er...

Tap it.

Listen, kid, you can tap it with a hammer,

it ain't gonna change. GASPING LAUGH

Just as I suspected, you guys are both out of whack.

Mm-hmm. You're a control freak,

and you're a rule breaker.

That'll be 700. Who's your insurance carrier?

So what do we do?

Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend.

One is a series of painful shots

injected into your abdomen and kneecaps.

And the other

involves a musical number!

# Mi-mi-miaow! #

How many shots(?)

HIGH-PITCHED GASPING: "How many shots?" Aren't you precious?

Maestro! MUSIC PLAYS

# I know it is wet

# And the sun is not sunny

# But we can have lots of good fun

# That is funny! # THEY GROAN

# It's fun to have fun But you got to know...how! #

HE RETCHES Eugh!

Hair ball!

# I know lots of good tricks

# And I'll... # MALE VOICE: Stop this right now!

Huh? who said that?

Me! Remember? The fish!

I came home in a baggie, you loved me for two weeks, and then nothing!

The fish is talking!

Well, sure he can talk, but is he saying anything?

No, not really. No.

FISH: Hey, socks, can it!

This cat should not be here

He should not be about

He should not be here when your mother is out.

Come on, kids, you gonna listen to him?

He drinks where he pees!

LIVELY LATIN MUSIC PLAYS

# There was this cat I knew

# Back home where I was bred

# Never listened to a single thing his mother said

# He never used the litter box

# He made a mess in the halls

# That's why they sent him to a vet

# Who cut off both his ba...

# Ba...ba...

# Boy! That wasn't fun

# Fun, fun!

# He never learned you can have

# Fun, fun, fun!

# Cos less is more

# They may ship you off to school

# So reign it in a little

# We can't spell fun without U in the middle. #

FISH: Children!

This cat is in violation of... HE MUMBLES

17 of your mother's rules. PHONE RINGS

City morgue.

18!

HE LAUGHS

FANFARE PLAYS, CROWD ROAR

Ole!

BULL BELLOWS

HE SCREAMS

# You can juggle work and play

# But you have to know the way

# You could keep afloat a wish

# Like the way I do this fish

# You can be a happy fella

# Someone throw me that umbrella!

# And that rake, that cake!

# Life's what you make it, so have fun, fun, fun

# Go insane and have some fun, fun, fun!

# Just look at me

# Fun, fun, fun!

# No more rain, look, it's the sun, sun, sun!

# So can't you see?

# I'm as happy as a clam

# I'm as fit as a fiddle

# Yeah, the dogs may bark about you

# And the purebred cats may doubt you... #

FISH: I'm getting motion sickness.

Milk? Big mistake.

RUMBLING

# But remember this

# You can't have fun without U... #

FISH: I can't breathe.

HE GROANS

I knew that milk would come back to haunt me.

FISH: Help! Help!

BURP!

# U in the middle! #

Bravo, cat(!) I think these children are smart enough

not to fall for your MTV-style flash

at the expense of content and moral values.

That was wicked cool!

Do it again.

I'd love to, but Shamu is right.

I really should be going.

No, don't go!

No, I should go.

I should let you and the fish have all your fun

conjugating verbs, cleaning your room,

doing long division.

No, you have to stay!

All right, I'll stay.

CHILDREN CHEER Oh, yeah!

But if I'm going to stay,

there's something I want to show you.

Something magical and full of wonder.

HE CHUCKLES

It's called a contract.

You want us to sign this?

Just a formality, really.

Who are they?

Magical, time-travelling elves!

HE LAUGHS Yeah. Magic.

HE CHUCKLES

OK, they're my lawyers.

Liability issues, litigious society,

frivolous lawsuits - you understand.

Basically, this contract guarantees

you can have all the fun you want and nothing bad's ever going to happen.

All the fun we want?

Uh, yup!

Nothing bad will happen?

Uh, nope!

Come on, Sal, for once in your life,

try something spontaneous.

SHE SIGHS

It goes against my better instincts,

but...

fine.

HE LAUGHS Beautiful. Initial here...

and here, and here...

Not here!

EXHALES SHARPLY Turn it over.

This is nothing.

Scratch this.

Smell that. Terrific.

Yada, yada,

Yadie.

Sign the bottom.

PEN SCRATCHES Great!

OK. Give me five!

Four.

HE LAUGHS

Let's get this party started!

Hey,

check out this room!

HE LAUGHS What now?

Mom says we're not allowed

in the living room today, or else.

She's worried we'll mess up the couches

by jumping on them or something.

And she's right - you can't jump on these.

Not like this. They need some adjustment.

BANJO MUSIC PLAYS Yee-ha!

SOUTHERN ACCENT: Let's take a look under the hood.

HE SPITS, SPITTOON CLANGS

Yeah.

Where's my jack?

PARP! Sorry.

What've we got here?

Whew!

Here we go.

HE LAUGHS

It's oversized. That's unusual.

Here it is!

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS Down, Simba! Down, Simba!

Get out of here!

Spray me, would you?

ELEPHANT WHIMPERS

Thanks for the help.

Back in a second.

Who's your couch mechanic?

You ought to call

Mr Catwrench.

Ow! Ow! My fur!

My fur! My fur! Oh!

HE YELLS

That ought to do it.

Whew!

HE LAUGHS

HE LAUGHS

Come on, kids.

I could use a little company.

What about mom's party?

What about it? We signed the contract.

Wah-hoo!

THEY LAUGH Yeah!

One cushion left, Sally.

She'll never do it.

She doesn't know how to have fun.

FISH: Fun? Sally, you're

better than "fun".

Fun is beneath you.

Remember what your mother told you?

"No-one sets foot in the living room..."

You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks.

Absolutely no-one sets foot

in the living room or else.

You're fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired...

HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH

Fired, fired...fired.

And that's why...

This is where they buried my brother!

CAT LAUGHS Yeah!

Yippee!

Oh, yeah!

This is amazing.

Like being in a circus.

Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns

that have hepatitis. See, kids? I told you we could have fun!

CONRAD: And the best thing is,

no-one will ever...

know.

Judas Priest!

I can't believe what I'm seeing!

Oh, Mr Quinn,

I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch.

Bad Conrad! Bad!

Sally...

baby, angel, princess,

I'm going to let you in

on a little secret, OK?

Nobody likes a suck-up!

QUINN LAUGHS

CONRAD: Where's the cat?

I don't know.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

BURP!

Oh...

Good bread.

What are you two looking at?

HE SNEEZES

Is there a cat in here?

I'm gonna...

You're gonna...

I have to...

..get out of here!

See, kids? I told you.

Stick with me, it'll all work out.

CAT SNEEZES Oh, no! Oh!

HE LAUGHS

Little known fact - cats always land on their tushie.

I thought they always landed on their feet.

Oh, sure, now you tell me.

Harumph.

So, kiddo, what do you want to do for fun?

I want to make cupcakes!

Cupcakes? Oh, yeah!

To the kitchen!

ANNOUNCER: 'Live from the kitchen,

'the following is a paid commercial announcement

'for Astounding Products.'

Hi. Welcome to Astounding Products.

CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE

I'm your host, the guy in the sweater

who asks all the obvious questions.

Now, here to tell us about his astounding product

for making cupcakes,

all the way from Cheshire, England, please welcome...

Me! Hello!

Now...

Hello! I'm so excited!

Do you love making cupcakes but hate all the hard cupcake work?

I know I do!

Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes

and say hello to the amazing

Kupkake-inator.

I'm so excited!

Cupcake-a-what?

WITH AUDIENCE: Kupkake-inator!

Go on.

This amazing device can instantly make cupcakes

out of anything that you have in the kitchen.

Wait a minute! Did you say ANYTHING?

- Anything! - Anything?

Yes, anything.

- Anything? - Anything.

Anything?!

I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident.

Anything. Now, let's see, take off the lid.

You can put in, I don't know, a carton of eggs...

What?!

How about a pack of hot dogs?

That's incredible!

Why not some ketchup?

Yeah, why not?

How about - I know what you're thinking -

even a fire extinguisher.

There we go.

Hmm?

Now, close the lid, and Bob's your flippin' uncle.

What an astounding product!

Oh, yeah!

Open the drawer.

Fill the patented kupkake-inator tray.

AUDIENCE: Ah!

Close the drawer.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Then place it in a conventional oven.

Oh, yeah.

Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.

Did you just say "minutes away"?

WITH AUDIENCE: That's impossible!

You're not just wrong, you're stupid.

Now wait just a minute.

And you're ugly, just like your mum.

Did you just call my mother ugly?

Shut up! I mean it.

I will end you!

Ooh!

Um, Cat, your tail.

What about it?

Oh, I see.

I've chopped it off.

Well, that's interesting, because...

-Son of a

-BEEP!

Look, I'm not saying we're going to sue.

I'm just saying we have a case.

We'll talk later.

Ix-nay, ix-nay.

Hi.

Uh, cat, is the oven supposed to be making that sound?

OVEN HISSES

Of course. That means they're almost done, Con-rack.

Conrad.

That's what I said, Condor.

Cat!

Now that's MY name!

OVEN BELL CHIMES

Yep, they're done!

Oh, man.

There's nothing to worry about.

I'm sure they still taste fine.

Yuck! They're horrible!

Who wants some?

HE CHUCKLES Come on. Come on.

Oh, my cod!

Oh! Ow!

Cat, you need to clean this mess up, pronto.

We have a contract.

All right, I'll try.

Huh?

You don't try. You DO.

Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.

I'll be right back.

Whoa!

HE LAUGHS

SNORING Hi. How are you?

IN FALSETTO: Look, I'm a girl.

HE GIGGLES

Stop!

That's...

BOTH: ..Mom's dress!

Huh? This filthy thing?

She was going to wear that tonight, and you ruined it!

Honey, it was ruined when she bought it.

MOTOWN MUSIC PLAYS, SNAPS FINGERS

Mm-hm. Yeah.

I told you all this would happen,

but no-one listens to a fish!

Oi!

A dog goes woof-woof,

and everybody knows that little Timmy's

trapped under a log,

but a fish speaks in plain English...

All right, everyone, let's just take

a deep breath and calm down.

CAT: You know who's gonna solve it?

Me. I am.

I will personally take care of everything.

And I know just the guys to do it.

HE LAUGHS

In this box are two Things

I will show them to you

Two things, and I call them

Thing One and Thing Two.

These Things will not bite you

They want to have fun

So without further ado, meet Thing Two and Thing One.

Ta-da!

Oh, yeah!

Thing One...Conrad, Sally. Conrad, Sally...Thing One.

Thing Two...Conrad, Sally. Conrad, Sally...Thing Two.

Thing One, Thing Two. Thing Two, Thing One.

Conrad, Sally. Sally, Conrad.

I am the Cat.

Don't belittle me.

Ah, yes, of course.

Thing Two would like to clarify

that just because he wears the number two

does not imply in anyway that he's inferior to Thing One.

I'm none of the above.

He says you may feel free to call him Thing A, if you like.

He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite,

Chocolate Thun-da, or Ben.

CHATTERING, BOX CREAKS

Thing One says he's Thing One

for a reason, and some people should just get used to it.

It's a Thing-thing.

You wouldn't understand.

THINGS CHATTER OK, enough!

You are quickly turning into one of my least favourite things.

Listen, Comdex,

you probably don't want to do that.

Why not? It's just a crate.

This isn't just any old crate.

It's the trans-dimensional- transportolator.

It's kind of like a doorway

which leads from this world to my world.

But it says, "Made in the Philippines."

Yes, but not THIS Philippines.

Look...

now, I'm not usually a rules guy, but this is a biggie.

No opening the crate.

No lookie, no touchie.

Got it?

LOCK GIBBERS

Mine!

CAT: Things, front and centre!

Cool.

All right, Things,

I'm not paying you to stand around and look pretty.

Here's mom's dress.

THEY CHATTER

HE GASPS

What about the couch?!

Which couch? The clean one

or the horribly stained one?

Incoming.

THINGS LAUGH WILDLY

SALLY: Cat,

they're wrecking the whole house!

SNORING

KWAN MUTTERS

Conrad, help!

Help yourself!

Want a piece of me?

Hello! Come and get it.

I'm upside-down! Mekka dekka!

Ooh, yeah! Whoa!

LOCK GIGGLES

That tickles.

Crab-ska! Geronimo!

LOCK: Mine! Mine! Mine!

Mine! Mine! Mine!

Ride 'em, cowboy!

If this were my house, I'd be furious.

HE LAUGHS

Hey, Klondike!

Do you have any idea

what happened to the lock on this crate?

It's on Nevins' collar.

Nevins?!

SALLY: Nevins? Nevins!

Put the dog down!

I said put the dog down!

Why won't they listen to me?!

Oh, I don't know if this helps,

but the Things always do the opposite of what you say.

Why do they always do the opposite?

It's so annoying!

Remind you of anyone, Conrad(?)

Zinger!

HE SLURPS

Zinger! Zinger!

Blue! 41, set, hut-hut, hike!

Hey, Things,

don't let go of that dog!

Let go!

CONRAD: Catch him!

I mean, don't catch him!

Whoa!

NEVINS BARKS

Well, this is just great, Conrad(!)

The whole house is destroyed,

the party is ruined,

and now Nevins is gone.

Sally. Kojak.

That's nothing compared to what's gonna happen

if we don't lock this crate!

Take a look.

It's already leaking!

STEAM HISSES

HE STRAINS

It won't stay shut!

Not without the lock!

Look, if we don't get that lock off of Nevins

and put it back on this crate,

we're going to be staring down the business end

of the mother of all messes.

We got to go out and find Nevins.

Impossible! Sally,

there's only four hours till the party!

The fish is right.

We should call Mom and tell her what happened.

Look at this house!

There's no way to explain this to Mom!

We got to get Nevins back

and lock the crate.

We're staying and calling Mom.

We're going and getting the dog.

There is a third option.

DRAMATIC NOTES PLAY There is?

CAT: Yes. It involves...

..murder. DRAMATIC CHORDS

That's your option?

No, but you guys both had options.

I just wanted to have one, too.

HE CHORTLES

Or did I?

DRAMATIC CHORDS

Cat, you're not helping!

Come on, let's go get that dog.

Now, we just need a heavy,

inanimate object to weigh down this crate.

SHE SNORES

There!

That ought to buy us some time.

Come on, kids. Let's go, go, go!

HE LAUGHS

Aaaaah!

KNOCKING ON DOOR Yeah?

What do you want now?

Repo.

You're repossessing

my TV?!

I'm sure I made a payment.

If it's about that bounced cheque,

here, let me give you a credit card.

Ooh, that one's expired.

Huh? Oh, come on!

NEVINS BARKS IN DISTANCE

NARRATOR: 'With the lock on his collar,

'Nevins kept running

'Unaware of his part in the evil

'Quinn's cunning.' PHONE RINGS

Joan Walden real estate.

Be it ever so humble, there's no...

Oh, hi, Joan. The kids

let the dog out again.

You're kidding? Uh, but don't worry.

I'll go get him, and then we'll have

a conversation vis-a-vis military school.

I don't know.

Conrad's like you, Lawrence.

He's very...

sensitive.

Uh-huh.

But I suppose it's something I should consider.

I'll get the dog. I'll be right over.

DIAL TONE

HE GRUNTS

BARKING

CONRAD: OK, there's Nevins.

Stay out of sight.

I thought the moment needed something.

Oh, what will become of us?

Your mother will lose her job,

and we'll have to... live on the street!

I can't!

Please don't make me go on...!

I don't know this world!

It's dry! It's... I can't take it!

It's too...

CONRAD: Fish!

It's too... It's too much!

Would you like to go back in the toilet?

On second thoughts, it's such a beautiful day.

Why spend it indoors?

Thank you! CAT LAUGHS

OK, kids, get out of my way.

This fence is no match for my cat-like grace and reflexes.

OK, here we go.

JOINTS CRACK

CAT EXHALES

Ow. OK.

Watch me fly, kids.

THUD!

THEY STRAIN

Ow!

I don't think the little girl's even trying.

What about your catlike...reflexes?

What about showing a little effort, shrimp boat?

Now, push!

Whoa!

All right, Nevins...

NEVINS WHIMPERS ..time to die!

Cat, you scared him away!

Dirty hoe.

I'm sorry, baby. I love you.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

CONRAD: Come on, Cat!

CONRAD: There he is!

MAN: Happy birthday, Denise.

SALLY: Denise?

Everyone I know is there.

There's Jenny

and Ellen.

How come Denise didn't invite me to her birthday?

CONRAD: Don't worry.

Let's just get Nevins and go.

WOMAN: OK, kids, everyone outside!

THEY CHEER Ah! Ah!

CAT SHOUTS

Cat, get down! They're going to see you! Hide!

KIDS: Pinata! Pinata!

CAT WHIMPERS

Everybody join in!

It's breaking!

Step out of my way.

This cannot end well.

# That's why I'm easy

# Ah, ah, ah, ah

# I'm easy like Sunday morning... #

CAT SCREAMS, KIDS GROAN

Oh-oh! Whoo!

I got an idea.

Candy!

THEY CHEER

No! No!

I hit that cat so good.

CONRAD: Cat, go.

SHE SNORES, PHONE RINGS

- I'd love to buy some. - Hello, Mrs Kwan?

It's Joan Walden.

I just called to check on the kids. Are they OK?

Oh, those aren't children.

They're little angels.

THINGS LAUGH

That's sweet.

Well, all right, Mrs Kwan, I'll be home as soon as I can.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

SONAR PING

CAT: All right, soldier, our bogey is in range.

- Commence search and destroy. - What?!

Search and rescue.

I meant "search and rescue". Come on.

CAT GULPS

I can't believe I wasn't invited to that party.

Hey, you're a lone wolf.

Live alone, die alone. Yeah.

Hey, can we please get the dog?

WHINING: "Can we please get the dog?

"Can we please get the dog?"

Boo.

TYRES SCREECH

CONRAD: Oh, no.

Oh, man.

Hello, Nevins, goodbye, Conrad.

Not so tough now, are you?

HE LAUGHS

HE CACKLES

We're dead.

We're never going to get that crate shut,

and I'm getting shipped off

to Colonel von Kronk's school for wayward boys!

Why don't we take my car?

You have a car?

Yeah, sure.

CAR LOCK BEEPS

ENGINE REVS

Wow, that is so cool.

That's just the dust cover.

Here she is. The Super Luxurious

Omni-directional Whatchamajigger.

Or S-L-O-W for short.

S-L-O-W?

Yeah, SLOW.

It's better than the last name we had -

Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.

Oh, you mean...

Oh! Quick! To the SLOW!

CAT LAUGHS

Buckle up, kids.

We're on a mission to get that dog

and we will not rest until we find it and destroy it.

- RESCUE it! - Rescue it.

Of course, I meant "rescue it".

Whatever.

Remember, kids, there's nothing faster than SLOW.

That's backwards. It makes no sense.

Look at you. Argh!

OK, here we go.

GPS. Check.

DVD, CD. Check.

Someone from Czechoslovakia is a...Czech.

HE CHORTLES Siren.

What? Siren? Siren?!

Let's go!

FISH WAILS

Hi there. How are you? Yeah!

THEY YELL

# I'm sending Conrad away! #

Oh! Oh!

HE SNIFFS Oh!

I can't believe you whizzed on my taco!

NEVINS BARKS

Wait till Joan gets a load of you!

HE LAUGHS

There they are!

FISH: Red light! Red light!

Red light! HORNS BLARE

Someone else should drive.

All right, you win.

Concrete, you drive.

Are you serious?

I don't know.

A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea,"

but I can barely hear that little voice

because an even louder little voice is screaming,

"Let the 12-year-old drive!"

CAT LAUGHS Now punch it!

This is awesome!

CAT GULPS

I want to drive.

I think that's a great idea.

Wait, two people

can't drive at the same time.

You're right.

We should all drive.

THEY SCREAM

CONRAD: Cat!

Where are the brakes?

I'll get them!

I think there's something wrong with your brakes.

When's the last time you had them checked?

CAT LAUGHS

Bad brake.

KIDS YELL

FISH: One-way street!

One-way street! One-way street!

Hey, Rhode Island licence plate!

You never see those.

HORN BLARES

CAT HUMS

CRASH!

Airbag. Standard.

I think...I wet...my jar.

Can we do that again?

LOCKS BEEP

Hey, there he is!

HE CACKLES

CONRAD: Oh, no, he's going

into Mom's office!

Come on, Cat!

Go, Conrad.

You know, Nevins,

when Joan finds out you've escaped again,

Conrad will be moving out and I'll be moving in.

HE LAUGHS

CONRAD: We've got to get Nevins and that lock back.

SALLY: What are we going to do? CAT: Don't worry.

I have three plans.

"Plan A - mess up a perfectly clean house."

Done that.

"Plan B - cut your losses and ditch the kids."

That could work.

What about that one?

"Trick Mom's boyfriend into handing over dog and lock."

I don't know, I still like Plan B.

BOTH: Cat!

OK, OK, Plan C.

Look at you! Argh!

NEVINS WHIMPERS

Excuse me, sir.

I'd like you to sign my petition, yeah.

Get out of my way, you hippie freak.

Are you aware of the senseless wholesale slaughter

of the flatulating acid-spitting zumzizeroo?

What will it take to get you out of my face?

Just sign my petition with this large,

oversized pen that requires two hands.

I see. Will you hold my dog?

BOTH: Yes.

OK, I have a problem with the word "dog".

I don't use the D-word, per se,

cos I think it's really, really wrong.

But I will happily hold your canine-American, yeah.

I'm more comfortable with that, really.

THEY LAUGH

# How much is that canine-American in the window? #

BOTH: Cat! Come on!

- Hey, what the...? - Go! Go!

Come back here!

I'm onto you kids!

Nothing to see here. Keep moving! Go!

Come on.

Get in! Get in.

Come on. Hide. DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Get in! Get in!

CAT: Look out down below!

Whoa...sorry.

Over there.

Hey! Hey.

TYRES SCREECH

Ooh...

QUINN: I got you!

Here he comes.

BOTH: Cat!

Whoa!

CLUBBER SCREAMS

Where's my hat?

Whoa! Go, go!

Ah!

Go! Go!

Come on, Cat.

I'm walking here. TYRES SCREECH

HE WHIMPERS

SOBBING: Joan! Joan!

I think we lost him. Not the pocket!

We got the lock back. Now let's get home.

Relax, kid. I'm all over it.

CAT LAUGHS

Hey.

What's wrong?

This is not my hat.

I must have picked up the wrong hat back there.

So? So...without my hat,

I'm just your garden variety six-foot-tall talking cat.

Joan, your children are running around town

like complete maniacs!

Yes, they are, with some

weird, hairy man

- in a big hat. - Uh-huh.

Joan, you'll believe everything

once we get to your house, OK?

Come on, come on.

We're doomed! We're dead.

This is all my fault.

I'm such an idiot.

Why do I always have to do

the opposite of what I'm supposed to?

Wait a second, that's it!

The opposite!

Hey, Things, don't help us!

Do not show up and help us get home right now.

Mekka dekka, hop in!

We're going on a road trip!

Larry's car?

How'd you get so smart?

NARRATOR: 'So the race was on

'To get back home first.'

CONRAD: Hang on.

We got to beat Mom and Quinn home.

NARRATOR: 'But back at their home

'Things were just getting worse.'

GURGLING

There's Mom and Larry!

QUINN: Step on it, Joan. Go.

Go, go, go!

Hey, Things,

do not do anything to slow down my mom.

Mekka dekka, slow down Mom!

QUINN: Look, Joan,

they don't beat them every day.

SIREN WAILS Oh, great(!)

I'm sorry, officer. Was I speeding?

Mekka dekka licence, appa registration.

Mekka dekka... you're one hot mama.

Hey, that's my car! Joan, we better go,

right away! Please,

let me handle this.

Sorry, I guess I was in a hurry to get home.

I'm not going to let them get away with this.

Mekka dekka Heimlich!

Mekka dekka Heimlich! THING CHOKES

SIREN WAILS