The Cat in the Hat


The Cat in the Hat

Film version of the Dr Seuss story. The magical, mischievous cat visits two bored youngsters who are stuck in the house on a rainy day.


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Transcript


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NARRATOR: 'There are kajillions of stories

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'Of mischief and fun

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'But to keep things simple

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'Let's start with just one

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'About a mom and two kids

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'And a house and a hat

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'That oddly enough

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'Was worn by a cat

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'But soon enough

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'We'll get to all that

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'In the valley that stretches

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'From this hill to that hill

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'A city is nestled

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'That city is Anville.'

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Any more tutti-frutti?

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NARRATOR: 'It's a town that's not huge

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'But quite big enough...' WHISTLE BLOWS

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'..For buyers and sellers

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'To sell and buy stuff

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'From shoes and shirts

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'And elongated ladders

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'To sailboats and gibblegrated

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'Berry juice bladders

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'So our story begins

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'At the corner of Main and Montroob...'

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There you go.

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'..In the spotless real estate office

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'Run by Hank Humberfloob.'

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WOMAN: Humberfloob Real Estate.

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How can we make your dreams come true?

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What do you mean, you're leaving?

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You're a baby-sitter.

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Baby-sitters don't leave, they sit.

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Baby-leavers leave.

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GIRL ON PHONE: 'I'm sorry. I really gotta go, Mrs Walden.'

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Well, I need to come home right away.

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'I forgot.'

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All right. Thank you, Amy.

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'Sorry.'

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GEARS CLICK

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Attention, everyone!

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It's 9.02!

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Staff meeting! Staff meeting!

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Look alive, everyone.

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First, I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member

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of the Humberfloob family,

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Jim McFlinnagan! LIGHT APPLAUSE

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Mr Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you.

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Fired.

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I beg your pardon?

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Fired.

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But I...

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FIRED!

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One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

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As you know, tonight is our bimonthly meet-and-greet party.

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Tonight's host is...

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Joan Walden.

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LIGHT APPLAUSE This is where people

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can meet our real estate agents

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in an informal, yet hygienic, setting.

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Mr Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.

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Ah, yes.

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Your children.

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Joan, let me make this perfectly clear.

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If your house is as messy as last time...

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..you're FIRED!

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That's pretty clear, Mr Humberfloob.

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Don't worry.

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I promise, my kids will be on their best behaviour.

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Great.

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PHONE RINGS

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WOMAN: Humberfloob Real Estate.

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How can we make your dreams come true?

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Please hold.

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NARRATOR: 'If you leave Humberfloob's

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'And turn left onto Main

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'Three miles down

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'You'll find Lipplapper Lane

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'A pleasant enough street

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'In a pleasant enough way

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'Where neighbour greeted neighbour

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'With a neighbourly, "Hey."'

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-Hey. -Hey.

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NARRATOR: 'Here the hedges were hedged

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'The weeds were all weeded

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'And lawns were mowed daily

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'Twice daily, if needed

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'And at the end of this street

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'In a house like any other

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'Something magical would happen

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'To a sister and her brother.'

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BARKING

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Shh! Nevins, stealth mode.

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Today's to-do list.

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"NUMBER ONE: Make to-do list.

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"NUMBER TWO: Practise colouring.

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"NUMBER THREE: Research graduate schools.

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"NUMBER FOUR: Be spontaneous.

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"NUMBER FIVE: Create lasting childhood memories.

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And "NUMBER SIX: amend will."

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What is he doing?

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GRUNTS

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CLATTERING

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SIGHS

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GRUNTS

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WHIMPERS

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BEEPS

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"NUMBER TEN: Make tomorrow's to-do list."

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WHIMPERS

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Ladies and gentlemen! NEVINS BARKS

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Nevins, your attention, please.

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You are about to witness

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the third most spectacular stunt ever performed under this roof!

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Do you know how hard it's getting

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to tell people that we're related?

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Relax.

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I'll put everything back.

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NEVINS WHIMPERS

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And now for the indoor stair luge!

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Indoor stair luge? I'll have to add this one to my list.

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Go have no fun somewhere else.

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It...

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is...show time!

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WHINES

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Whoa...!

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YELLING

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JOAN GASPS

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WOMAN: Oh, my word.

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BARKING

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Nevins!

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Nevins! Come back!

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Hey, Mom. What's up?

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You are so lucky you didn't ruin this dress.

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Mom, I know you're angry,

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but there's something you need to know.

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This was all Sally's fault.

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Oh, really?

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And how exactly was it Sally's fault?

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Uh, give me a minute. I'm working on it.

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Save it, Conrad.

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Why today?

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Why did you have to pick today

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to destroy the house?

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You know what's happening today.

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I tried to tell him, Mom.

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"Mom's throwing a very important party," I said.

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"All of her important clients will be here."

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But he went right ahead and wrecked the house

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and let Nevins get away.

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Now, again, I hope you're going to ground him.

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Yes, Sally, for a week. But that's none of your business.

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CONRAD: A week? Come on, two days.

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JOAN: I asked you to do one thing today, Conrad -

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keep the house clean.

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Do you know how frustrating it is

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that you're always doing the exact opposite of what I say?

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MAN: Knock, knock, knock.

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Someone lose a dog?

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I found him next door

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in my yard...again.

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JOAN: You are a saint.

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And here I thought you were only dating me

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for my good looks.

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Lucky us. Larry Quinn is here.

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Hey, sport.

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Call me Lawrence, OK?

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You rescued Nevins!

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Thanks, Lawrence!

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It was my pleasure, Sally.

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Anything for my little princess.

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Oh, I don't want to be a princess.

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In a constitutional monarchy,

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parliament has all the real power.

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I see. OK. That's great.

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Uh, look, pal, be a sport, and why don't you go and, er,

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tidy up the living room, OK, dude?

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I don't have to listen to you, Larry.

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Conrad, do what Lawrence says.

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HE SIGHS

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Have you given some thought about the Wilhelm Academy?

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You mean, the Colonel Wilhelm

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Military Academy For Troubled Youth?

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That's the one, Joan.

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I'm not sure it's right for Conrad.

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Oh, Joan. SHE SPRAYS CLEANER

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Joan.

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Joan, Joan, Joan.

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I have so much respect for you, Joan.

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Single mother,

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career woman, raising two children on your own,

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and still finding time to be

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the best darn real estate agent in town.

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I know how hard it is, Joan.

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It is hard.

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Oh, I know.

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And I know how hard you're trying.

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This is a once-in-a- lifetime proposition,

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and you must act now.

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The Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy For Troubled Youth

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is what we call in the sales game a win-win scenario.

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A top-flight military school

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and it's only...eight hours away.

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PHONE RINGS, SHE GASPS

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Oh, the phone.

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PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

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I heard what you said.

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I'm not going to military school, Larry.

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Look, buddy, I know I'm not your dad,

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and this is probably really strange for you, you know,

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your neighbour's dating your mom, but...

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here's the thing, son. Come here.

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I don't like you, either,

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but I'm gonna marry your mom.

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And if it was up to me,

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you'd be at military school today.

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I'm not going to military school.

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Oh, I think you're going to love it.

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It's just like summer camp,

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except with brutal forced marches

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and soul-crushing discipline.

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And one more thing,

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it's Lawrence, you snot-nosed, little son of a...

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wonderful woman who I'm absolutely crazy about!

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Gosh, I love children!

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Oh, Joan, I didn't see you there.

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HE GRUNTS Lawrence, would you be a doll

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and help me bring up the extra chairs from the basement?

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Oh, nothing would give me more pleasure, Joan,

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but I do have to run. I have an important sales conference downtown.

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Oh, OK.

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Well, I'll see you at the party tonight.

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Sure. HE SNORTS

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Mom, that guy's a total phoney.

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You can't let Larry... It's Lawrence, Conrad.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Kate's Catering.

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I'm here to do your party tonight.

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Oh, hi. Where's Kate?

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I'm Kate.

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Oh. OK.

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Right this way, Kate.

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Mom, you've got to listen to me...

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PHONE RINGS Quiet!

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Two weeks ago, you said today was good...

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JOAN SCREAMS ..ergo, I scheduled it, see?

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Quiet! Nevins! PHONE RINGS

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NEVINS WHIMPERS

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PHONE RINGS I said, quiet!

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PHONE RINGS

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Joan Walden Real Estate.

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Be it ever so humble,

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there's no place like Joan.

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This is Mr Humberfloob.

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Oh, hi.

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Joan, I need you to come back to the office.

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Today? Yes, Joan.

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No problem?

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No problem at all.

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Great!

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Oh!

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What's going on, Mommy?

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Mommy has to go

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back to the office.

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Oh, I hope Mrs Kwan can baby-sit.

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Not Mrs Kwan!

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Oh!

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Hi, Mrs Kwan.

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Hi.

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I'm running late.

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Thanks for baby-sitting on such short notice.

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Mm, yeah.

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OK, Mrs Kwan.

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Ooh, ooh, ooh.

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I'll be back in a couple of hours.

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- Hi. - Conrad's grounded,

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so no video games. Sally, last chance.

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If you want to make cupcakes,

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I can take you to your friend Ginny's house.

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Ginny's not my friend anymore. NEVINS AND KWAN GROWL

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Last time we made cupcakes,

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she wanted to be the head chef.

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I'm the head chef.

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Well, what about Denise, then?

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She talked back to me,

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so I ordered her not to speak to me anymore.

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And you don't like bossy?

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I won't tolerate it.

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Right.

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Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules.

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Conrad, no playing ball in the house, no fighting,

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no answering the phone, "City morgue..."

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Mommy, can't I have some rules?

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No chewing tobacco.

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Thanks, Mom. You have my word.

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And absolutely

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no-one sets foot in the living room,

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or else. CONRAD: Or else what?

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You're going to do what Larry said

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and send me to military school?

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Maybe if you'd just behave,

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I wouldn't have to consider military school.

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I wish I could trust you.

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I wish I had a different mom.

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Well, sometimes, I wish the same thing.

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DOOR OPENS

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DOOR CLOSES

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Oh.

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BICYCLE BELL DINGS

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Good luck with your meeting.

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HE GRUNTS

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KWAN: Children?

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Would you like to watch television with me?

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We don't have to tell your mother.

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MAN TALKS ON TV

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BOTH: Taiwanese parliament.

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You tell them, Kwai-chang!

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No more big government! BLOWS LAND, KARATE SHRIEKS

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KWAN: Rip his heart out!

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BLOWS LAND, GROANING

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HIGH-PITCHED KARATE SHOUTS

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BLOWS CONTINUE

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SHE SNORES

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DOG WHINES

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Hit me! THUD!

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NARRATOR: 'So they slumped in their chairs

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'Too glum to complain.'

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THUNDER RUMBLES 'And to make matters worse

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'It started to rain.' BUTTERFLY GASPS

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'They sat in the house

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'On that cold, cold, wet day

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'With no fun to have

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'And no games to play

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'They could just stare out the window

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'Or perhaps get a nap in

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'And hope that something, anything, might happen.'

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Quit bothering the fish.

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Fine, I'll quit bothering the fish.

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- Spit hand! - Oh, gross!

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Get that away from me!

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Get it away! LOUD THUMPING

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NARRATOR: 'Then something went bump.' What was that?

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'How that bump made them jump!'

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NEVINS BARKS

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I think it came from the closet.

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NEVINS WHINES

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NEVINS BARKS

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THUMPING AND CLATTERING

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Conrad?

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Conrad.

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Come on, Conrad.

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CHUCKLING

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You shouldn't scare people.

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You should've seen the look on your face.

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It was like you saw a monster.

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A monster? Where?

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That could've gone better. HE LAUGHS

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THEY SCREAM

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SALLY: What was that?

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I don't know.

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It looked like a humongous cat.

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Humongous?

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I prefer the term "big-boned" or "jolly".

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What are we hiding from? Ha-ha!

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THEY SCREAM

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That was a giant cat.

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But that's impossible, isn't it?

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CAT: It's entirely impossible.

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You know, I like this hiding place a lot better.

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They'll never find us here.

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Scream and run.

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THEY SCREAM And away they go.

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Who are you? CAT: Who, me?

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Why, I'm the Cat In The Hat!

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There's no doubt about that!

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I'm a super-fundiferous feline

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Who's here to make sure that you're...

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..me-line?

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Key lime?

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Turpen...tine?

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I got nothing.

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I'm not so good with the rhyming.

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Not really. No.

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Look, I'm a cat that can talk.

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That should be enough for you people!

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Oh, I don't know what's going on.

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Where did you come from?

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Hmm. How do I put this?

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When a mommy cat

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and a daddy cat love each other very much,

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they decide that... Oh, no, no!

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Uh, um.

0:17:550:17:56

Where did you come from?

0:17:560:17:58

My place! Where do you think?

0:17:580:18:00

GASPING LAUGH

0:18:000:18:01

No. How did you get here?

0:18:010:18:04

I drove!

0:18:040:18:05

Look, I've been here two whole minutes,

0:18:050:18:08

and no-one has offered me a drink. Harumph!

0:18:080:18:10

SALLY: Sorry, Mr Cat.

0:18:100:18:12

Would you like some...milk?

0:18:120:18:14

Milk? Uch! No!

0:18:140:18:15

Lactose intolerant. Gums up the works.

0:18:150:18:18

Oi.

0:18:180:18:19

You'll thank me later.

0:18:190:18:21

GASPING LAUGH

0:18:210:18:23

Hello!

0:18:250:18:27

Surf's up!

0:18:270:18:28

Yeah!

0:18:290:18:30

Nice spread you got here.

0:18:370:18:39

Homina, homina, homina,

0:18:390:18:40

homina!

0:18:400:18:42

Who is this?

0:18:420:18:43

GASPING LAUGH

0:18:430:18:45

Oh...

0:18:450:18:47

That's my mom.

0:18:480:18:50

Awkward. Yeah.

0:18:500:18:51

Yes, this place will do quite nicely, actually.

0:18:510:18:54

Yeah.

0:18:540:18:55

LISPING: Although those drapes are a train wreck.

0:18:550:18:57

HE CHUCKLES

0:18:570:18:59

COUCH SPRINGS GROAN

0:18:590:19:00

And this is the lumpiest couch I ever sat on.

0:19:000:19:03

Who is this dreadfully uncomfortable woman?!

0:19:030:19:06

SALLY: Get off her.

0:19:060:19:07

That's our baby-sitter.

0:19:070:19:08

What the...?!

0:19:080:19:09

Baby-sitter?

0:19:090:19:10

You don't need one of those, do you?

0:19:100:19:13

CAT: Let me get this straight.

0:19:180:19:20

You pay this woman

0:19:200:19:22

to sit on babies?

0:19:220:19:24

That's disgusting!

0:19:240:19:26

I'd do it for nothing.

0:19:270:19:29

HE LAUGHS

0:19:290:19:30

Hmm!

0:19:300:19:31

Now,

0:19:330:19:35

let's see what the old phunometer has to say.

0:19:350:19:38

"Phunometer"?

0:19:380:19:39

Yeah, it measures how fun you are.

0:19:390:19:41

AIR PUMPS, MECHANICAL SQUEAKING

0:19:420:19:45

BELL DINGS Huh? Huh?

0:19:500:19:51

Oh...

0:19:540:19:56

Ah, control freak.

0:19:580:20:00

Yeah.

0:20:000:20:01

Now you.

0:20:010:20:02

BELL DINGS

0:20:060:20:08

Whoa.

0:20:080:20:08

Ru... Ru...

0:20:080:20:10

HE CHUCKLES OK.

0:20:100:20:12

RESTRAINED CHUCKLING Uh...er...

0:20:120:20:16

Tap it.

0:20:160:20:18

Listen, kid, you can tap it with a hammer,

0:20:180:20:21

it ain't gonna change. GASPING LAUGH

0:20:210:20:24

Just as I suspected, you guys are both out of whack.

0:20:240:20:27

Mm-hmm. You're a control freak,

0:20:270:20:29

and you're a rule breaker.

0:20:290:20:30

That'll be 700. Who's your insurance carrier?

0:20:300:20:33

So what do we do?

0:20:330:20:35

Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend.

0:20:350:20:37

One is a series of painful shots

0:20:370:20:39

injected into your abdomen and kneecaps.

0:20:390:20:41

And the other

0:20:410:20:42

involves a musical number!

0:20:420:20:45

# Mi-mi-miaow! #

0:20:450:20:47

How many shots(?)

0:20:470:20:49

HIGH-PITCHED GASPING: "How many shots?" Aren't you precious?

0:20:490:20:53

Maestro! MUSIC PLAYS

0:21:030:21:06

# I know it is wet

0:21:080:21:10

# And the sun is not sunny

0:21:100:21:12

# But we can have lots of good fun

0:21:120:21:16

# That is funny! # THEY GROAN

0:21:160:21:19

# It's fun to have fun But you got to know...how! #

0:21:190:21:26

HE RETCHES Eugh!

0:21:280:21:30

Hair ball!

0:21:300:21:32

# I know lots of good tricks

0:21:340:21:37

# And I'll... # MALE VOICE: Stop this right now!

0:21:370:21:39

Huh? who said that?

0:21:390:21:41

Me! Remember? The fish!

0:21:410:21:43

I came home in a baggie, you loved me for two weeks, and then nothing!

0:21:430:21:46

The fish is talking!

0:21:460:21:48

Well, sure he can talk, but is he saying anything?

0:21:480:21:50

No, not really. No.

0:21:500:21:52

FISH: Hey, socks, can it!

0:21:520:21:54

This cat should not be here

0:21:540:21:55

He should not be about

0:21:550:21:56

He should not be here when your mother is out.

0:21:560:21:58

Come on, kids, you gonna listen to him?

0:21:580:21:59

He drinks where he pees!

0:21:590:22:01

LIVELY LATIN MUSIC PLAYS

0:22:040:22:07

# There was this cat I knew

0:22:090:22:10

# Back home where I was bred

0:22:100:22:12

# Never listened to a single thing his mother said

0:22:120:22:15

# He never used the litter box

0:22:150:22:16

# He made a mess in the halls

0:22:160:22:18

# That's why they sent him to a vet

0:22:180:22:19

# Who cut off both his ba...

0:22:190:22:21

# Ba...ba...

0:22:210:22:24

# Boy! That wasn't fun

0:22:240:22:25

# Fun, fun!

0:22:250:22:27

# He never learned you can have

0:22:270:22:28

# Fun, fun, fun!

0:22:280:22:29

# Cos less is more

0:22:290:22:30

# They may ship you off to school

0:22:300:22:32

# So reign it in a little

0:22:320:22:33

# We can't spell fun without U in the middle. #

0:22:330:22:35

FISH: Children!

0:22:350:22:36

This cat is in violation of... HE MUMBLES

0:22:360:22:38

17 of your mother's rules. PHONE RINGS

0:22:380:22:40

City morgue.

0:22:400:22:41

18!

0:22:410:22:42

HE LAUGHS

0:22:420:22:43

FANFARE PLAYS, CROWD ROAR

0:22:430:22:48

Ole!

0:22:490:22:50

BULL BELLOWS

0:22:500:22:52

HE SCREAMS

0:22:530:22:55

# You can juggle work and play

0:22:590:23:00

# But you have to know the way

0:23:000:23:01

# You could keep afloat a wish

0:23:010:23:02

# Like the way I do this fish

0:23:020:23:04

# You can be a happy fella

0:23:040:23:06

# Someone throw me that umbrella!

0:23:060:23:07

# And that rake, that cake!

0:23:070:23:09

# Life's what you make it, so have fun, fun, fun

0:23:090:23:12

# Go insane and have some fun, fun, fun!

0:23:120:23:15

# Just look at me

0:23:150:23:16

# Fun, fun, fun!

0:23:160:23:17

# No more rain, look, it's the sun, sun, sun!

0:23:170:23:20

# So can't you see?

0:23:200:23:21

# I'm as happy as a clam

0:23:210:23:22

# I'm as fit as a fiddle

0:23:220:23:24

# Yeah, the dogs may bark about you

0:23:240:23:25

# And the purebred cats may doubt you... #

0:23:250:23:27

FISH: I'm getting motion sickness.

0:23:270:23:29

Milk? Big mistake.

0:23:290:23:31

RUMBLING

0:23:310:23:32

# But remember this

0:23:320:23:33

# You can't have fun without U... #

0:23:330:23:34

FISH: I can't breathe.

0:23:340:23:35

HE GROANS

0:23:350:23:36

I knew that milk would come back to haunt me.

0:23:370:23:41

FISH: Help! Help!

0:23:410:23:42

BURP!

0:23:420:23:45

# U in the middle! #

0:23:510:23:58

Bravo, cat(!) I think these children are smart enough

0:24:010:24:04

not to fall for your MTV-style flash

0:24:040:24:06

at the expense of content and moral values.

0:24:060:24:08

That was wicked cool!

0:24:080:24:10

Do it again.

0:24:100:24:11

I'd love to, but Shamu is right.

0:24:110:24:13

I really should be going.

0:24:130:24:14

No, don't go!

0:24:140:24:15

No, I should go.

0:24:150:24:17

I should let you and the fish have all your fun

0:24:170:24:19

conjugating verbs, cleaning your room,

0:24:190:24:21

doing long division.

0:24:210:24:23

No, you have to stay!

0:24:230:24:24

All right, I'll stay.

0:24:240:24:26

CHILDREN CHEER Oh, yeah!

0:24:260:24:27

But if I'm going to stay,

0:24:270:24:29

there's something I want to show you.

0:24:290:24:31

Something magical and full of wonder.

0:24:310:24:35

HE CHUCKLES

0:24:350:24:36

It's called a contract.

0:24:370:24:38

You want us to sign this?

0:24:380:24:40

Just a formality, really.

0:24:400:24:42

Who are they?

0:24:420:24:43

Magical, time-travelling elves!

0:24:440:24:48

HE LAUGHS Yeah. Magic.

0:24:480:24:51

HE CHUCKLES

0:24:510:24:53

OK, they're my lawyers.

0:24:530:24:56

Liability issues, litigious society,

0:24:560:24:58

frivolous lawsuits - you understand.

0:24:580:25:00

Basically, this contract guarantees

0:25:000:25:02

you can have all the fun you want and nothing bad's ever going to happen.

0:25:020:25:05

All the fun we want?

0:25:050:25:07

Uh, yup!

0:25:070:25:07

Nothing bad will happen?

0:25:070:25:09

Uh, nope!

0:25:090:25:10

Come on, Sal, for once in your life,

0:25:100:25:12

try something spontaneous.

0:25:120:25:14

SHE SIGHS

0:25:150:25:16

It goes against my better instincts,

0:25:160:25:18

but...

0:25:180:25:20

fine.

0:25:200:25:21

HE LAUGHS Beautiful. Initial here...

0:25:210:25:24

and here, and here...

0:25:240:25:26

Not here!

0:25:260:25:27

EXHALES SHARPLY Turn it over.

0:25:280:25:30

This is nothing.

0:25:310:25:33

Scratch this.

0:25:330:25:35

Smell that. Terrific.

0:25:350:25:37

Yada, yada,

0:25:370:25:38

Yadie.

0:25:380:25:39

Sign the bottom.

0:25:390:25:40

PEN SCRATCHES Great!

0:25:400:25:42

OK. Give me five!

0:25:420:25:44

Four.

0:25:460:25:47

HE LAUGHS

0:25:490:25:50

Let's get this party started!

0:25:500:25:52

Hey,

0:25:520:25:53

check out this room!

0:25:530:25:55

HE LAUGHS What now?

0:25:550:25:58

Mom says we're not allowed

0:25:580:25:59

in the living room today, or else.

0:25:590:26:01

She's worried we'll mess up the couches

0:26:010:26:02

by jumping on them or something.

0:26:020:26:04

And she's right - you can't jump on these.

0:26:040:26:07

Not like this. They need some adjustment.

0:26:070:26:09

BANJO MUSIC PLAYS Yee-ha!

0:26:090:26:12

SOUTHERN ACCENT: Let's take a look under the hood.

0:26:130:26:16

HE SPITS, SPITTOON CLANGS

0:26:160:26:18

Yeah.

0:26:180:26:19

Where's my jack?

0:26:190:26:21

PARP! Sorry.

0:26:210:26:22

What've we got here?

0:26:220:26:24

Whew!

0:26:240:26:26

Here we go.

0:26:260:26:28

HE LAUGHS

0:26:280:26:30

It's oversized. That's unusual.

0:26:300:26:33

Here it is!

0:26:330:26:35

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS Down, Simba! Down, Simba!

0:26:350:26:39

Get out of here!

0:26:390:26:41

Spray me, would you?

0:26:410:26:42

ELEPHANT WHIMPERS

0:26:510:26:53

Thanks for the help.

0:26:560:26:58

Back in a second.

0:27:000:27:01

Who's your couch mechanic?

0:27:010:27:03

You ought to call

0:27:030:27:04

Mr Catwrench.

0:27:040:27:05

Ow! Ow! My fur!

0:27:050:27:08

My fur! My fur! Oh!

0:27:080:27:09

HE YELLS

0:27:090:27:11

That ought to do it.

0:27:120:27:15

Whew!

0:27:150:27:16

HE LAUGHS

0:27:170:27:20

HE LAUGHS

0:27:240:27:26

Come on, kids.

0:27:290:27:30

I could use a little company.

0:27:300:27:32

What about mom's party?

0:27:320:27:34

What about it? We signed the contract.

0:27:340:27:35

Wah-hoo!

0:27:350:27:36

THEY LAUGH Yeah!

0:27:360:27:39

One cushion left, Sally.

0:27:390:27:42

She'll never do it.

0:27:420:27:43

She doesn't know how to have fun.

0:27:430:27:45

FISH: Fun? Sally, you're

0:27:450:27:46

better than "fun".

0:27:460:27:48

Fun is beneath you.

0:27:480:27:49

Remember what your mother told you?

0:27:490:27:51

"No-one sets foot in the living room..."

0:27:510:27:54

You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks.

0:27:540:27:56

Absolutely no-one sets foot

0:27:560:27:59

in the living room or else.

0:27:590:28:01

You're fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired...

0:28:010:28:07

HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH

0:28:070:28:08

Fired, fired...fired.

0:28:080:28:10

And that's why...

0:28:100:28:11

This is where they buried my brother!

0:28:160:28:19

CAT LAUGHS Yeah!

0:28:190:28:20

Yippee!

0:28:200:28:22

Oh, yeah!

0:28:220:28:23

This is amazing.

0:28:230:28:24

Like being in a circus.

0:28:240:28:26

Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns

0:28:260:28:30

that have hepatitis. See, kids? I told you we could have fun!

0:28:300:28:33

CONRAD: And the best thing is,

0:28:330:28:35

no-one will ever...

0:28:350:28:37

know.

0:28:370:28:38

Judas Priest!

0:28:380:28:40

I can't believe what I'm seeing!

0:28:400:28:43

Oh, Mr Quinn,

0:28:430:28:44

I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch.

0:28:440:28:47

Bad Conrad! Bad!

0:28:470:28:49

Sally...

0:28:490:28:50

baby, angel, princess,

0:28:500:28:52

I'm going to let you in

0:28:520:28:53

on a little secret, OK?

0:28:530:28:57

Nobody likes a suck-up!

0:28:570:28:59

QUINN LAUGHS

0:29:020:29:04

CONRAD: Where's the cat?

0:29:080:29:10

I don't know.

0:29:100:29:11

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

0:29:110:29:13

BURP!

0:29:150:29:17

Oh...

0:29:170:29:19

Good bread.

0:29:190:29:20

What are you two looking at?

0:29:220:29:24

HE SNEEZES

0:29:300:29:33

Is there a cat in here?

0:29:330:29:34

I'm gonna...

0:29:360:29:38

You're gonna...

0:29:380:29:39

I have to...

0:29:390:29:41

..get out of here!

0:29:440:29:46

See, kids? I told you.

0:29:500:29:51

Stick with me, it'll all work out.

0:29:510:29:53

CAT SNEEZES Oh, no! Oh!

0:29:530:29:56

HE LAUGHS

0:29:560:29:57

Little known fact - cats always land on their tushie.

0:29:570:30:00

I thought they always landed on their feet.

0:30:000:30:02

Oh, sure, now you tell me.

0:30:020:30:04

Harumph.

0:30:040:30:05

So, kiddo, what do you want to do for fun?

0:30:050:30:08

I want to make cupcakes!

0:30:080:30:09

Cupcakes? Oh, yeah!

0:30:090:30:11

To the kitchen!

0:30:110:30:13

ANNOUNCER: 'Live from the kitchen,

0:30:130:30:14

'the following is a paid commercial announcement

0:30:140:30:16

'for Astounding Products.'

0:30:160:30:16

Hi. Welcome to Astounding Products.

0:30:160:30:19

CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE

0:30:190:30:21

I'm your host, the guy in the sweater

0:30:210:30:24

who asks all the obvious questions.

0:30:240:30:26

Now, here to tell us about his astounding product

0:30:260:30:29

for making cupcakes,

0:30:290:30:31

all the way from Cheshire, England, please welcome...

0:30:310:30:33

Me! Hello!

0:30:330:30:35

Now...

0:30:350:30:37

Hello! I'm so excited!

0:30:370:30:40

Do you love making cupcakes but hate all the hard cupcake work?

0:30:400:30:44

I know I do!

0:30:440:30:46

Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes

0:30:460:30:49

and say hello to the amazing

0:30:490:30:52

Kupkake-inator.

0:30:520:30:54

I'm so excited!

0:30:540:30:56

Cupcake-a-what?

0:30:570:30:59

WITH AUDIENCE: Kupkake-inator!

0:30:590:31:01

Go on.

0:31:010:31:02

This amazing device can instantly make cupcakes

0:31:020:31:04

out of anything that you have in the kitchen.

0:31:040:31:07

Wait a minute! Did you say ANYTHING?

0:31:070:31:09

- Anything! - Anything?

0:31:090:31:10

Yes, anything.

0:31:100:31:12

- Anything? - Anything.

0:31:120:31:14

Anything?!

0:31:140:31:15

I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident.

0:31:150:31:18

Anything. Now, let's see, take off the lid.

0:31:180:31:21

You can put in, I don't know, a carton of eggs...

0:31:210:31:23

What?!

0:31:230:31:24

How about a pack of hot dogs?

0:31:240:31:24

That's incredible!

0:31:240:31:26

Why not some ketchup?

0:31:260:31:27

Yeah, why not?

0:31:270:31:28

How about - I know what you're thinking -

0:31:280:31:29

even a fire extinguisher.

0:31:290:31:30

There we go.

0:31:300:31:31

Hmm?

0:31:310:31:33

Now, close the lid, and Bob's your flippin' uncle.

0:31:330:31:36

What an astounding product!

0:31:360:31:38

Oh, yeah!

0:31:380:31:39

Open the drawer.

0:31:390:31:41

Fill the patented kupkake-inator tray.

0:31:420:31:45

AUDIENCE: Ah!

0:31:450:31:46

Close the drawer.

0:31:460:31:48

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:31:480:31:49

Then place it in a conventional oven.

0:31:490:31:52

Oh, yeah.

0:31:550:31:56

Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.

0:31:560:31:59

Did you just say "minutes away"?

0:31:590:32:01

WITH AUDIENCE: That's impossible!

0:32:010:32:02

You're not just wrong, you're stupid.

0:32:020:32:04

Now wait just a minute.

0:32:040:32:05

And you're ugly, just like your mum.

0:32:050:32:07

Did you just call my mother ugly?

0:32:070:32:10

Shut up! I mean it.

0:32:100:32:11

I will end you!

0:32:110:32:12

Ooh!

0:32:130:32:14

Um, Cat, your tail.

0:32:140:32:17

What about it?

0:32:170:32:19

Oh, I see.

0:32:190:32:21

I've chopped it off.

0:32:210:32:22

Well, that's interesting, because...

0:32:220:32:24

-Son of a

-BEEP!

0:32:240:32:27

Look, I'm not saying we're going to sue.

0:32:310:32:33

I'm just saying we have a case.

0:32:330:32:35

We'll talk later.

0:32:350:32:37

Ix-nay, ix-nay.

0:32:370:32:39

Hi.

0:32:390:32:40

Uh, cat, is the oven supposed to be making that sound?

0:32:400:32:43

OVEN HISSES

0:32:430:32:45

Of course. That means they're almost done, Con-rack.

0:32:450:32:48

Conrad.

0:32:480:32:49

That's what I said, Condor.

0:32:490:32:50

Cat!

0:32:500:32:51

Now that's MY name!

0:32:510:32:53

OVEN BELL CHIMES

0:33:000:33:01

Yep, they're done!

0:33:010:33:04

Oh, man.

0:33:040:33:05

There's nothing to worry about.

0:33:050:33:06

I'm sure they still taste fine.

0:33:060:33:08

Yuck! They're horrible!

0:33:080:33:10

Who wants some?

0:33:100:33:11

HE CHUCKLES Come on. Come on.

0:33:110:33:12

Oh, my cod!

0:33:140:33:16

Oh! Ow!

0:33:160:33:18

Cat, you need to clean this mess up, pronto.

0:33:180:33:20

We have a contract.

0:33:200:33:22

All right, I'll try.

0:33:220:33:24

Huh?

0:33:240:33:24

You don't try. You DO.

0:33:240:33:28

Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.

0:33:280:33:31

I'll be right back.

0:33:320:33:33

Whoa!

0:33:330:33:35

HE LAUGHS

0:33:350:33:37

SNORING Hi. How are you?

0:33:380:33:41

IN FALSETTO: Look, I'm a girl.

0:33:450:33:47

HE GIGGLES

0:33:470:33:48

Stop!

0:33:510:33:52

That's...

0:33:520:33:53

BOTH: ..Mom's dress!

0:33:530:33:55

Huh? This filthy thing?

0:33:550:33:58

She was going to wear that tonight, and you ruined it!

0:33:580:34:00

Honey, it was ruined when she bought it.

0:34:000:34:03

MOTOWN MUSIC PLAYS, SNAPS FINGERS

0:34:030:34:05

Mm-hm. Yeah.

0:34:050:34:07

I told you all this would happen,

0:34:070:34:08

but no-one listens to a fish!

0:34:080:34:11

Oi!

0:34:110:34:12

A dog goes woof-woof,

0:34:120:34:13

and everybody knows that little Timmy's

0:34:130:34:14

trapped under a log,

0:34:140:34:15

but a fish speaks in plain English...

0:34:150:34:16

All right, everyone, let's just take

0:34:160:34:17

a deep breath and calm down.

0:34:170:34:20

CAT: You know who's gonna solve it?

0:34:230:34:25

Me. I am.

0:34:250:34:27

I will personally take care of everything.

0:34:270:34:31

And I know just the guys to do it.

0:34:310:34:33

HE LAUGHS

0:34:330:34:34

In this box are two Things

0:34:450:34:47

I will show them to you

0:34:470:34:49

Two things, and I call them

0:34:490:34:51

Thing One and Thing Two.

0:34:510:34:53

These Things will not bite you

0:34:530:34:54

They want to have fun

0:34:540:34:56

So without further ado, meet Thing Two and Thing One.

0:34:560:35:01

Ta-da!

0:35:040:35:06

Oh, yeah!

0:35:060:35:08

Thing One...Conrad, Sally. Conrad, Sally...Thing One.

0:35:100:35:12

Thing Two...Conrad, Sally. Conrad, Sally...Thing Two.

0:35:120:35:14

Thing One, Thing Two. Thing Two, Thing One.

0:35:140:35:16

Conrad, Sally. Sally, Conrad.

0:35:160:35:17

I am the Cat.

0:35:170:35:18

Don't belittle me.

0:35:180:35:19

Ah, yes, of course.

0:35:190:35:21

Thing Two would like to clarify

0:35:210:35:22

that just because he wears the number two

0:35:220:35:24

does not imply in anyway that he's inferior to Thing One.

0:35:240:35:27

I'm none of the above.

0:35:270:35:28

He says you may feel free to call him Thing A, if you like.

0:35:280:35:32

He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite,

0:35:320:35:35

Chocolate Thun-da, or Ben.

0:35:350:35:38

CHATTERING, BOX CREAKS

0:35:380:35:40

Thing One says he's Thing One

0:35:400:35:42

for a reason, and some people should just get used to it.

0:35:420:35:45

It's a Thing-thing.

0:35:450:35:47

You wouldn't understand.

0:35:470:35:48

THINGS CHATTER OK, enough!

0:35:480:35:50

You are quickly turning into one of my least favourite things.

0:35:500:35:53

Listen, Comdex,

0:35:540:35:55

you probably don't want to do that.

0:35:550:35:58

Why not? It's just a crate.

0:35:580:35:59

This isn't just any old crate.

0:35:590:36:00

It's the trans-dimensional- transportolator.

0:36:000:36:04

It's kind of like a doorway

0:36:040:36:05

which leads from this world to my world.

0:36:050:36:07

But it says, "Made in the Philippines."

0:36:070:36:09

Yes, but not THIS Philippines.

0:36:090:36:12

Look...

0:36:120:36:14

now, I'm not usually a rules guy, but this is a biggie.

0:36:140:36:16

No opening the crate.

0:36:160:36:18

No lookie, no touchie.

0:36:180:36:21

Got it?

0:36:210:36:22

LOCK GIBBERS

0:36:250:36:26

Mine!

0:36:260:36:28

CAT: Things, front and centre!

0:36:280:36:31

Cool.

0:36:310:36:32

All right, Things,

0:36:320:36:33

I'm not paying you to stand around and look pretty.

0:36:330:36:36

Here's mom's dress.

0:36:360:36:38

THEY CHATTER

0:36:380:36:40

HE GASPS

0:36:420:36:44

What about the couch?!

0:36:440:36:45

Which couch? The clean one

0:36:450:36:47

or the horribly stained one?

0:36:470:36:49

Incoming.

0:37:030:37:04

THINGS LAUGH WILDLY

0:37:060:37:07

SALLY: Cat,

0:37:070:37:09

they're wrecking the whole house!

0:37:090:37:12

SNORING

0:37:120:37:14

KWAN MUTTERS

0:37:140:37:17

Conrad, help!

0:37:310:37:34

Help yourself!

0:37:340:37:35

Want a piece of me?

0:37:350:37:36

Hello! Come and get it.

0:37:360:37:38

I'm upside-down! Mekka dekka!

0:37:380:37:40

Ooh, yeah! Whoa!

0:37:440:37:47

LOCK GIGGLES

0:37:540:37:56

That tickles.

0:37:560:37:57

Crab-ska! Geronimo!

0:37:580:38:01

LOCK: Mine! Mine! Mine!

0:38:030:38:05

Mine! Mine! Mine!

0:38:050:38:07

Ride 'em, cowboy!

0:38:090:38:11

If this were my house, I'd be furious.

0:38:190:38:22

HE LAUGHS

0:38:220:38:24

Hey, Klondike!

0:38:280:38:31

Do you have any idea

0:38:310:38:32

what happened to the lock on this crate?

0:38:320:38:35

It's on Nevins' collar.

0:38:350:38:36

Nevins?!

0:38:360:38:37

SALLY: Nevins? Nevins!

0:38:370:38:39

Put the dog down!

0:38:390:38:41

I said put the dog down!

0:38:410:38:43

Why won't they listen to me?!

0:38:430:38:45

Oh, I don't know if this helps,

0:38:450:38:46

but the Things always do the opposite of what you say.

0:38:460:38:50

Why do they always do the opposite?

0:38:500:38:51

It's so annoying!

0:38:510:38:53

Remind you of anyone, Conrad(?)

0:38:530:38:56

Zinger!

0:38:560:38:57

HE SLURPS

0:38:570:38:58

Zinger! Zinger!

0:38:580:38:59

Blue! 41, set, hut-hut, hike!

0:39:000:39:03

Hey, Things,

0:39:030:39:05

don't let go of that dog!

0:39:050:39:07

Let go!

0:39:070:39:09

CONRAD: Catch him!

0:39:090:39:10

I mean, don't catch him!

0:39:100:39:11

Whoa!

0:39:110:39:12

NEVINS BARKS

0:39:130:39:14

Well, this is just great, Conrad(!)

0:39:140:39:16

The whole house is destroyed,

0:39:160:39:17

the party is ruined,

0:39:170:39:18

and now Nevins is gone.

0:39:180:39:21

Sally. Kojak.

0:39:210:39:23

That's nothing compared to what's gonna happen

0:39:230:39:25

if we don't lock this crate!

0:39:250:39:27

Take a look.

0:39:270:39:28

It's already leaking!

0:39:280:39:30

STEAM HISSES

0:39:300:39:32

HE STRAINS

0:39:320:39:33

It won't stay shut!

0:39:330:39:35

Not without the lock!

0:39:350:39:37

Look, if we don't get that lock off of Nevins

0:39:370:39:39

and put it back on this crate,

0:39:390:39:41

we're going to be staring down the business end

0:39:410:39:43

of the mother of all messes.

0:39:430:39:47

We got to go out and find Nevins.

0:39:480:39:49

Impossible! Sally,

0:39:490:39:52

there's only four hours till the party!

0:39:520:39:54

The fish is right.

0:39:540:39:55

We should call Mom and tell her what happened.

0:39:550:39:56

Look at this house!

0:39:560:39:58

There's no way to explain this to Mom!

0:39:580:40:00

We got to get Nevins back

0:40:000:40:01

and lock the crate.

0:40:010:40:02

We're staying and calling Mom.

0:40:020:40:04

We're going and getting the dog.

0:40:040:40:07

There is a third option.

0:40:070:40:09

DRAMATIC NOTES PLAY There is?

0:40:090:40:11

CAT: Yes. It involves...

0:40:110:40:13

..murder. DRAMATIC CHORDS

0:40:140:40:17

That's your option?

0:40:170:40:18

No, but you guys both had options.

0:40:180:40:20

I just wanted to have one, too.

0:40:200:40:22

HE CHORTLES

0:40:220:40:23

Or did I?

0:40:230:40:24

DRAMATIC CHORDS

0:40:240:40:25

Cat, you're not helping!

0:40:250:40:27

Come on, let's go get that dog.

0:40:270:40:29

Now, we just need a heavy,

0:40:290:40:31

inanimate object to weigh down this crate.

0:40:310:40:34

SHE SNORES

0:40:370:40:39

There!

0:40:390:40:40

That ought to buy us some time.

0:40:400:40:42

Come on, kids. Let's go, go, go!

0:40:420:40:44

HE LAUGHS

0:40:440:40:46

Aaaaah!

0:40:470:40:49

KNOCKING ON DOOR Yeah?

0:41:000:41:02

What do you want now?

0:41:040:41:06

Repo.

0:41:060:41:08

You're repossessing

0:41:080:41:10

my TV?!

0:41:100:41:11

I'm sure I made a payment.

0:41:110:41:13

If it's about that bounced cheque,

0:41:130:41:14

here, let me give you a credit card.

0:41:140:41:15

Ooh, that one's expired.

0:41:150:41:17

Huh? Oh, come on!

0:41:170:41:20

NEVINS BARKS IN DISTANCE

0:41:200:41:22

NARRATOR: 'With the lock on his collar,

0:41:220:41:24

'Nevins kept running

0:41:240:41:26

'Unaware of his part in the evil

0:41:260:41:29

'Quinn's cunning.' PHONE RINGS

0:41:290:41:31

Joan Walden real estate.

0:41:310:41:33

Be it ever so humble, there's no...

0:41:330:41:34

Oh, hi, Joan. The kids

0:41:340:41:36

let the dog out again.

0:41:360:41:37

You're kidding? Uh, but don't worry.

0:41:370:41:39

I'll go get him, and then we'll have

0:41:390:41:40

a conversation vis-a-vis military school.

0:41:400:41:42

I don't know.

0:41:420:41:43

Conrad's like you, Lawrence.

0:41:430:41:45

He's very...

0:41:450:41:46

sensitive.

0:41:460:41:47

Uh-huh.

0:41:470:41:48

But I suppose it's something I should consider.

0:41:480:41:51

I'll get the dog. I'll be right over.

0:41:510:41:53

DIAL TONE

0:41:530:41:54

HE GRUNTS

0:41:570:42:00

BARKING

0:42:020:42:03

CONRAD: OK, there's Nevins.

0:42:030:42:04

Stay out of sight.

0:42:040:42:06

I thought the moment needed something.

0:42:190:42:21

Oh, what will become of us?

0:42:210:42:24

Your mother will lose her job,

0:42:240:42:26

and we'll have to... live on the street!

0:42:260:42:29

I can't!

0:42:290:42:31

Please don't make me go on...!

0:42:310:42:33

I don't know this world!

0:42:330:42:35

It's dry! It's... I can't take it!

0:42:350:42:38

It's too...

0:42:380:42:39

CONRAD: Fish!

0:42:390:42:40

It's too... It's too much!

0:42:400:42:42

Would you like to go back in the toilet?

0:42:420:42:44

On second thoughts, it's such a beautiful day.

0:42:440:42:45

Why spend it indoors?

0:42:450:42:46

Thank you! CAT LAUGHS

0:42:460:42:48

OK, kids, get out of my way.

0:42:490:42:51

This fence is no match for my cat-like grace and reflexes.

0:42:510:42:54

OK, here we go.

0:42:540:42:55

JOINTS CRACK

0:42:550:42:57

CAT EXHALES

0:42:570:42:59

Ow. OK.

0:42:590:43:00

Watch me fly, kids.

0:43:000:43:03

THUD!

0:43:030:43:05

THEY STRAIN

0:43:050:43:07

Ow!

0:43:070:43:09

I don't think the little girl's even trying.

0:43:090:43:12

What about your catlike...reflexes?

0:43:120:43:16

What about showing a little effort, shrimp boat?

0:43:160:43:18

Now, push!

0:43:180:43:19

Whoa!

0:43:190:43:21

All right, Nevins...

0:43:210:43:23

NEVINS WHIMPERS ..time to die!

0:43:230:43:26

Cat, you scared him away!

0:43:260:43:28

Dirty hoe.

0:43:280:43:31

I'm sorry, baby. I love you.

0:43:320:43:35

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:43:350:43:37

CONRAD: Come on, Cat!

0:43:370:43:38

CONRAD: There he is!

0:43:430:43:45

MAN: Happy birthday, Denise.

0:43:470:43:49

SALLY: Denise?

0:43:490:43:51

Everyone I know is there.

0:43:510:43:53

There's Jenny

0:43:530:43:54

and Ellen.

0:43:540:43:56

How come Denise didn't invite me to her birthday?

0:43:560:43:59

CONRAD: Don't worry.

0:43:590:44:00

Let's just get Nevins and go.

0:44:000:44:01

WOMAN: OK, kids, everyone outside!

0:44:010:44:03

THEY CHEER Ah! Ah!

0:44:030:44:05

CAT SHOUTS

0:44:100:44:11

Cat, get down! They're going to see you! Hide!

0:44:130:44:15

KIDS: Pinata! Pinata!

0:44:250:44:27

CAT WHIMPERS

0:44:290:44:31

Everybody join in!

0:44:330:44:35

It's breaking!

0:44:390:44:41

Step out of my way.

0:44:410:44:44

This cannot end well.

0:44:460:44:48

# That's why I'm easy

0:44:510:44:53

# Ah, ah, ah, ah

0:44:530:44:56

# I'm easy like Sunday morning... #

0:44:570:45:00

CAT SCREAMS, KIDS GROAN

0:45:000:45:03

Oh-oh! Whoo!

0:45:070:45:09

I got an idea.

0:45:100:45:11

Candy!

0:45:110:45:13

THEY CHEER

0:45:130:45:14

No! No!

0:45:200:45:22

I hit that cat so good.

0:45:220:45:26

CONRAD: Cat, go.

0:45:260:45:28

SHE SNORES, PHONE RINGS

0:45:300:45:32

- I'd love to buy some. - Hello, Mrs Kwan?

0:45:330:45:36

It's Joan Walden.

0:45:360:45:37

I just called to check on the kids. Are they OK?

0:45:370:45:40

Oh, those aren't children.

0:45:400:45:43

They're little angels.

0:45:430:45:46

THINGS LAUGH

0:45:460:45:48

That's sweet.

0:45:480:45:50

Well, all right, Mrs Kwan, I'll be home as soon as I can.

0:45:500:45:53

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

0:45:530:45:56

SONAR PING

0:46:190:46:22

CAT: All right, soldier, our bogey is in range.

0:46:240:46:26

- Commence search and destroy. - What?!

0:46:260:46:29

Search and rescue.

0:46:290:46:31

I meant "search and rescue". Come on.

0:46:310:46:34

CAT GULPS

0:46:340:46:36

I can't believe I wasn't invited to that party.

0:46:360:46:39

Hey, you're a lone wolf.

0:46:390:46:40

Live alone, die alone. Yeah.

0:46:400:46:44

Hey, can we please get the dog?

0:46:440:46:45

WHINING: "Can we please get the dog?

0:46:450:46:47

"Can we please get the dog?"

0:46:470:46:48

Boo.

0:46:480:46:50

TYRES SCREECH

0:46:500:46:52

CONRAD: Oh, no.

0:46:520:46:54

Oh, man.

0:46:540:46:55

Hello, Nevins, goodbye, Conrad.

0:46:550:46:58

Not so tough now, are you?

0:46:580:47:00

HE LAUGHS

0:47:000:47:01

HE CACKLES

0:47:020:47:04

We're dead.

0:47:110:47:12

We're never going to get that crate shut,

0:47:120:47:14

and I'm getting shipped off

0:47:140:47:15

to Colonel von Kronk's school for wayward boys!

0:47:150:47:17

Why don't we take my car?

0:47:170:47:19

You have a car?

0:47:190:47:21

Yeah, sure.

0:47:210:47:22

CAR LOCK BEEPS

0:47:220:47:24

ENGINE REVS

0:47:240:47:25

Wow, that is so cool.

0:47:280:47:30

That's just the dust cover.

0:47:300:47:32

Here she is. The Super Luxurious

0:47:340:47:36

Omni-directional Whatchamajigger.

0:47:360:47:38

Or S-L-O-W for short.

0:47:380:47:41

S-L-O-W?

0:47:410:47:43

Yeah, SLOW.

0:47:430:47:44

It's better than the last name we had -

0:47:440:47:46

Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.

0:47:460:47:49

Oh, you mean...

0:47:490:47:50

Oh! Quick! To the SLOW!

0:47:500:47:52

CAT LAUGHS

0:47:520:47:53

Buckle up, kids.

0:47:560:47:57

We're on a mission to get that dog

0:47:570:47:59

and we will not rest until we find it and destroy it.

0:47:590:48:02

- RESCUE it! - Rescue it.

0:48:020:48:03

Of course, I meant "rescue it".

0:48:030:48:04

Whatever.

0:48:040:48:05

Remember, kids, there's nothing faster than SLOW.

0:48:050:48:07

That's backwards. It makes no sense.

0:48:070:48:09

Look at you. Argh!

0:48:090:48:11

OK, here we go.

0:48:110:48:12

GPS. Check.

0:48:120:48:13

DVD, CD. Check.

0:48:130:48:15

Someone from Czechoslovakia is a...Czech.

0:48:150:48:17

HE CHORTLES Siren.

0:48:170:48:20

What? Siren? Siren?!

0:48:200:48:23

Let's go!

0:48:230:48:26

FISH WAILS

0:48:260:48:28

Hi there. How are you? Yeah!

0:48:290:48:31

THEY YELL

0:48:340:48:37

# I'm sending Conrad away! #

0:48:390:48:44

Oh! Oh!

0:48:440:48:47

HE SNIFFS Oh!

0:48:470:48:50

I can't believe you whizzed on my taco!

0:48:500:48:53

NEVINS BARKS

0:48:530:48:55

Wait till Joan gets a load of you!

0:48:550:48:58

HE LAUGHS

0:48:580:49:01

There they are!

0:49:010:49:02

FISH: Red light! Red light!

0:49:020:49:04

Red light! HORNS BLARE

0:49:040:49:06

Someone else should drive.

0:49:100:49:12

All right, you win.

0:49:120:49:14

Concrete, you drive.

0:49:140:49:15

Are you serious?

0:49:150:49:16

I don't know.

0:49:160:49:17

A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea,"

0:49:170:49:21

but I can barely hear that little voice

0:49:210:49:23

because an even louder little voice is screaming,

0:49:230:49:25

"Let the 12-year-old drive!"

0:49:250:49:27

CAT LAUGHS Now punch it!

0:49:270:49:29

This is awesome!

0:49:320:49:34

CAT GULPS

0:49:340:49:36

I want to drive.

0:49:400:49:41

I think that's a great idea.

0:49:410:49:43

Wait, two people

0:49:460:49:47

can't drive at the same time.

0:49:470:49:48

You're right.

0:49:480:49:50

We should all drive.

0:49:500:49:51

THEY SCREAM

0:49:530:49:56

CONRAD: Cat!

0:49:560:49:58

Where are the brakes?

0:49:580:49:59

I'll get them!

0:49:590:50:00

I think there's something wrong with your brakes.

0:50:010:50:04

When's the last time you had them checked?

0:50:040:50:07

CAT LAUGHS

0:50:070:50:08

Bad brake.

0:50:080:50:10

KIDS YELL

0:50:100:50:13

FISH: One-way street!

0:50:160:50:18

One-way street! One-way street!

0:50:180:50:20

Hey, Rhode Island licence plate!

0:50:250:50:27

You never see those.

0:50:270:50:28

HORN BLARES

0:50:280:50:30

CAT HUMS

0:50:330:50:36

CRASH!

0:50:370:50:39

Airbag. Standard.

0:50:420:50:45

I think...I wet...my jar.

0:50:470:50:50

Can we do that again?

0:50:500:50:52

LOCKS BEEP

0:50:540:50:56

Hey, there he is!

0:50:590:51:01

HE CACKLES

0:51:010:51:03

CONRAD: Oh, no, he's going

0:51:040:51:05

into Mom's office!

0:51:050:51:06

Come on, Cat!

0:51:060:51:09

Go, Conrad.

0:51:090:51:10

You know, Nevins,

0:51:100:51:12

when Joan finds out you've escaped again,

0:51:120:51:14

Conrad will be moving out and I'll be moving in.

0:51:140:51:16

HE LAUGHS

0:51:160:51:18

CONRAD: We've got to get Nevins and that lock back.

0:51:200:51:22

SALLY: What are we going to do? CAT: Don't worry.

0:51:220:51:24

I have three plans.

0:51:240:51:26

"Plan A - mess up a perfectly clean house."

0:51:260:51:29

Done that.

0:51:290:51:30

"Plan B - cut your losses and ditch the kids."

0:51:300:51:33

That could work.

0:51:330:51:35

What about that one?

0:51:350:51:36

"Trick Mom's boyfriend into handing over dog and lock."

0:51:360:51:41

I don't know, I still like Plan B.

0:51:410:51:44

BOTH: Cat!

0:51:440:51:45

OK, OK, Plan C.

0:51:450:51:47

Look at you! Argh!

0:51:470:51:48

NEVINS WHIMPERS

0:51:500:51:52

Excuse me, sir.

0:51:520:51:53

I'd like you to sign my petition, yeah.

0:51:530:51:56

Get out of my way, you hippie freak.

0:51:560:51:59

Are you aware of the senseless wholesale slaughter

0:51:590:52:01

of the flatulating acid-spitting zumzizeroo?

0:52:010:52:05

What will it take to get you out of my face?

0:52:050:52:07

Just sign my petition with this large,

0:52:070:52:09

oversized pen that requires two hands.

0:52:090:52:12

I see. Will you hold my dog?

0:52:120:52:16

BOTH: Yes.

0:52:160:52:18

OK, I have a problem with the word "dog".

0:52:180:52:21

I don't use the D-word, per se,

0:52:210:52:23

cos I think it's really, really wrong.

0:52:230:52:24

But I will happily hold your canine-American, yeah.

0:52:260:52:29

I'm more comfortable with that, really.

0:52:290:52:31

THEY LAUGH

0:52:310:52:32

# How much is that canine-American in the window? #

0:52:320:52:36

BOTH: Cat! Come on!

0:52:360:52:39

- Hey, what the...? - Go! Go!

0:52:410:52:43

Come back here!

0:52:430:52:44

I'm onto you kids!

0:52:440:52:46

Nothing to see here. Keep moving! Go!

0:52:460:52:48

Come on.

0:52:490:52:51

Get in! Get in.

0:52:510:52:52

Come on. Hide. DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

0:52:520:52:54

Get in! Get in!

0:52:540:52:56

CAT: Look out down below!

0:52:570:52:59

Whoa...sorry.

0:52:590:53:00

Over there.

0:53:000:53:02

Hey! Hey.

0:53:040:53:07

TYRES SCREECH

0:53:070:53:08

Ooh...

0:53:080:53:10

QUINN: I got you!

0:53:150:53:16

Here he comes.

0:53:180:53:20

BOTH: Cat!

0:53:200:53:21

Whoa!

0:53:210:53:23

CLUBBER SCREAMS

0:53:230:53:25

Where's my hat?

0:53:250:53:26

Whoa! Go, go!

0:53:260:53:28

Ah!

0:53:280:53:28

Go! Go!

0:53:280:53:30

Come on, Cat.

0:53:300:53:32

I'm walking here. TYRES SCREECH

0:53:320:53:34

HE WHIMPERS

0:53:380:53:40

SOBBING: Joan! Joan!

0:53:400:53:44

I think we lost him. Not the pocket!

0:53:460:53:48

We got the lock back. Now let's get home.

0:53:480:53:51

Relax, kid. I'm all over it.

0:53:510:53:52

CAT LAUGHS

0:53:520:53:54

Hey.

0:53:540:53:55

What's wrong?

0:53:550:53:57

This is not my hat.

0:53:570:53:58

I must have picked up the wrong hat back there.

0:53:580:54:01

So? So...without my hat,

0:54:010:54:04

I'm just your garden variety six-foot-tall talking cat.

0:54:040:54:06

Joan, your children are running around town

0:54:060:54:08

like complete maniacs!

0:54:080:54:10

Yes, they are, with some

0:54:100:54:12

weird, hairy man

0:54:120:54:14

- in a big hat. - Uh-huh.

0:54:140:54:16

Joan, you'll believe everything

0:54:160:54:18

once we get to your house, OK?

0:54:180:54:19

Come on, come on.

0:54:190:54:20

We're doomed! We're dead.

0:54:200:54:23

This is all my fault.

0:54:230:54:24

I'm such an idiot.

0:54:240:54:26

Why do I always have to do

0:54:260:54:27

the opposite of what I'm supposed to?

0:54:270:54:29

Wait a second, that's it!

0:54:290:54:31

The opposite!

0:54:310:54:32

Hey, Things, don't help us!

0:54:320:54:35

Do not show up and help us get home right now.

0:54:350:54:38

Mekka dekka, hop in!

0:54:380:54:39

We're going on a road trip!

0:54:390:54:41

Larry's car?

0:54:410:54:42

How'd you get so smart?

0:54:420:54:46

NARRATOR: 'So the race was on

0:54:460:54:48

'To get back home first.'

0:54:480:54:50

CONRAD: Hang on.

0:54:500:54:51

We got to beat Mom and Quinn home.

0:54:510:54:53

NARRATOR: 'But back at their home

0:54:530:54:55

'Things were just getting worse.'

0:54:550:54:57

GURGLING

0:54:590:55:02

There's Mom and Larry!

0:55:130:55:14

QUINN: Step on it, Joan. Go.

0:55:140:55:16

Go, go, go!

0:55:160:55:17

Hey, Things,

0:55:170:55:19

do not do anything to slow down my mom.

0:55:190:55:22

Mekka dekka, slow down Mom!

0:55:220:55:24

QUINN: Look, Joan,

0:55:300:55:31

they don't beat them every day.

0:55:310:55:33

SIREN WAILS Oh, great(!)

0:55:330:55:36

I'm sorry, officer. Was I speeding?

0:55:410:55:43

Mekka dekka licence, appa registration.

0:55:430:55:47

Mekka dekka... you're one hot mama.

0:55:480:55:51

Hey, that's my car! Joan, we better go,

0:55:510:55:53

right away! Please,

0:55:530:55:54

let me handle this.

0:55:540:55:55

Sorry, I guess I was in a hurry to get home.

0:55:550:55:58

I'm not going to let them get away with this.

0:55:580:56:00

Mekka dekka Heimlich!

0:56:000:56:02

Mekka dekka Heimlich! THING CHOKES

0:56:020:56:03

SIREN WAILS

0:56:030:56:06

QUINN: Meet me at the house!

0:56:070:56:08

Not so fast, you little maggots!

0:56:190:56:21

Oh, you are so busted.

0:56:230:56:24

Now get inside.

0:56:240:56:25

Trust me,

0:56:250:56:26

don't go in there, it's going to be a total...

0:56:260:56:28

Aargh!

0:56:280:56:30

..wreck?! Sally, what happened?

0:56:300:56:32

What about the mother of all messes?

0:56:320:56:34

I don't know.

0:56:340:56:35

HE SNEEZES

0:56:350:56:37

Why am I sneezing?

0:56:370:56:38

That'd be me.

0:56:430:56:45

Boo! CAT LAUGHS

0:56:450:56:46

You're a giant... HE SNEEZES

0:56:460:56:48

..cat!

0:56:500:56:50

Judas Priest! SPLASH!

0:56:540:56:58

Ooh. Mamma mia!

0:56:580:57:00

What happened to our house?

0:57:040:57:06

It's the mother of all messes.

0:57:060:57:08

Yep! Pure, unadulterated fun

0:57:080:57:11

without any good sense or judgment.

0:57:110:57:13

See, corndog, this is why

0:57:130:57:14

I warned you

0:57:140:57:15

not to open the crate.

0:57:150:57:17

Although,

0:57:170:57:18

on the plus side, I think people will be

0:57:180:57:20

talking about tonight's party for the rest of their lives.

0:57:200:57:23

CAT LAUGHS, NEVINS WHIMPERS

0:57:230:57:25

We got to shut the crate! Come on!

0:57:270:57:28

OK.

0:57:290:57:30

Let's take the front-hall carpet.

0:57:310:57:33

CAT LAUGHS

0:57:330:57:34

SALLY: This can't be the front hall.

0:57:340:57:36

CAT: This is what happens

0:57:360:57:38

when you mix your world and my world.

0:57:380:57:39

Oh, and when you eat bad shellfish.

0:57:390:57:41

Come on, let's go.

0:57:410:57:43

Oh, yeah!

0:57:430:57:44

CONRAD: Cat, how do we find the crate?

0:57:440:57:46

Beats me. This hat is worthless.

0:57:460:57:48

And it makes me look fat.

0:57:480:57:50

SALLY: Where's Mrs Kwan?

0:57:500:57:51

Oh! Here she comes!

0:57:510:57:54

Right on schedule.

0:57:540:57:56

Oh, yeah!

0:57:570:57:59

We're going to ride Mrs Kwan?!

0:57:590:58:01

CAT: Sure, it's the only way to the crate.

0:58:010:58:03

Hop on!

0:58:030:58:05

Oh, this is going to be good.

0:58:050:58:06

Please keep your hands and feet

0:58:080:58:10

in the Kwan at all times.

0:58:100:58:12

Enjoy the ride!

0:58:120:58:14

CAT: Ladies and gentlemen, the dining room.

0:58:160:58:19

Oh...

0:58:190:58:20

SALLY: This is the dining room?

0:58:200:58:21

Hey, look!

0:58:210:58:23

A chandelier.

0:58:230:58:24

CAT LAUGHS

0:58:240:58:26

CONRAD: Is that the bathroom?

0:58:310:58:33

You might want to hold it for a while.

0:58:340:58:36

Something like that really burns my...

0:58:380:58:40

THEY SCREAM

0:58:400:58:42

This is amazing!

0:58:440:58:45

It's like a ride in an amusement park!

0:58:450:58:48

You mean like at...

0:58:480:58:50

Universal Studios?

0:58:500:58:52

Cha-ching!

0:58:530:58:54

Whoa!

0:58:540:58:55

THEY YELL

0:58:550:58:59

CAT OVER LOUDSPEAKER: Please exit the Kwan

0:59:030:59:05

to your left.

0:59:050:59:06

Have a nice day.

0:59:060:59:08

JOAN: This is ridiculous. I have to get home.

0:59:080:59:10

THING CHOKES Police brutality!

0:59:100:59:12

Illegal choke hold!

0:59:120:59:14

Where are we?

0:59:160:59:17

The living room, I think.

0:59:170:59:18

Oh, man, my eyes are closed!

0:59:180:59:20

If there's no line,

0:59:200:59:21

can we go back and do that again?

0:59:210:59:23

There's the crate!

0:59:230:59:24

Harumph!

0:59:240:59:26

If we shut the crate,

0:59:310:59:32

the house will go back to normal.

0:59:320:59:34

Do you have the lock?

0:59:340:59:35

Got it!

0:59:360:59:37

Come on, let's go!

0:59:370:59:38

CONRAD: Sally!

0:59:400:59:43

THEY STRAIN

0:59:430:59:44

Come on!

0:59:440:59:46

It won't shut!

0:59:460:59:47

Sally!

0:59:470:59:49

Everything is disappearing up there!

0:59:490:59:51

SALLY SCREAMS

0:59:510:59:52

CONRAD: Sally!

0:59:530:59:54

SALLY: Help!

0:59:540:59:55

Help me, Conrad!

0:59:570:59:59

Sally!

0:59:590:59:59

SALLY: Help me!

1:00:011:00:03

I can't hold on!

1:00:031:00:04

Help me, Conrad!

1:00:051:00:09

Sally, I can't reach the lock!

1:00:091:00:12

No!

1:00:121:00:13

I can't save you unless you let go!

1:00:131:00:16

OK.

1:00:161:00:18

Aaargh! Help me!

1:00:191:00:21

Yes!

1:00:221:00:24

Aaargh!

1:00:241:00:27

HE YELLS

1:00:501:00:53

PIPE GURGLES

1:00:541:00:56

QUINN GROANS

1:00:561:00:58

I did it! I did it!

1:00:581:01:00

I did it! I did it!

1:01:001:01:02

I did it!

1:01:021:01:03

I did it! I did it!

1:01:031:01:05

OK, WE did it.

1:01:081:01:11

I don't think we did anything.

1:01:121:01:14

The place is still a wreck.

1:01:141:01:16

Cat, you said if we shut the crate,

1:01:161:01:18

everything would be OK!

1:01:181:01:19

But it's not. It's a complete disaster!

1:01:191:01:22

Well, what are you gonna do?

1:01:221:01:24

Tennis, anyone?

1:01:241:01:25

CAT SNIFFS

1:01:321:01:33

Ooh.

1:01:331:01:34

HE PURRS

1:01:341:01:35

Love that new ball smell, yeah.

1:01:351:01:38

Hey.

1:01:381:01:39

Your hat - it's magic again!

1:01:391:01:41

Oops.

1:01:411:01:44

Well, now that the cat's out of the bag -

1:01:441:01:46

to use an archaic and cruel-sounding metaphor -

1:01:461:01:48

why don't you serve first?

1:01:481:01:50

You had your real hat this whole time?

1:01:501:01:52

Ah-yup.

1:01:521:01:53

I planned the whole day.

1:01:531:01:55

What do you mean, you planned the whole day?

1:01:551:01:57

All of it?

1:01:571:01:58

Ah-yup. The house getting trashed?

1:01:581:01:59

- Ah-yup. - Quinn taking Nevins?

1:01:591:02:01

- Ah-yup. - Cutting off your tail?

1:02:011:02:03

Ah-nope.

1:02:031:02:04

CONRAD: You even knew

1:02:051:02:07

I'd open the crate?

1:02:071:02:08

Why do you think I made it my one rule?

1:02:081:02:10

I knew you couldn't resist.

1:02:101:02:12

Now, who's up for a game of Canadian doubles?

1:02:121:02:15

GLASS SHATTERS

1:02:151:02:17

Cat, you said

1:02:171:02:19

nothing bad would happen.

1:02:191:02:20

Cat,

1:02:201:02:21

you need to get out.

1:02:211:02:23

I don't know that game.

1:02:231:02:24

It's not a game.

1:02:241:02:25

None of this is a game!

1:02:251:02:27

But I thought you two wanted to have fun today.

1:02:291:02:31

Look around, Cat.

1:02:311:02:33

You were right.

1:02:331:02:34

It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how.

1:02:341:02:36

And you don't know when enough is enough.

1:02:361:02:38

Now go!

1:02:381:02:39

Suzy...

1:02:401:02:42

Cromwell...

1:02:421:02:45

please.

1:02:451:02:46

BOTH: Out!

1:02:461:02:47

BOTH: Out!

1:02:551:02:56

Good riddance!

1:03:111:03:13

Now, this may not be the time for "I told you so," but...

1:03:131:03:16

Like I said, not the time.

1:03:221:03:24

I'll get the mop and bucket.

1:03:241:03:26

Conrad, you might want to get out of here

1:03:261:03:29

until Mom has a chance to calm down.

1:03:291:03:31

No, this was my fault.

1:03:311:03:34

I'll take the blame.

1:03:341:03:35

Look, Mom will be home any second.

1:03:351:03:37

Why don't you go upstairs?

1:03:371:03:39

I'm not going upstairs.

1:03:391:03:40

I'm staying with you.

1:03:401:03:41

Really? Why?

1:03:411:03:43

Two reasons.

1:03:431:03:45

One, the stairs are destroyed.

1:03:451:03:47

Two, this is just as much my fault as yours.

1:03:471:03:51

We should share the blame.

1:03:511:03:53

Thanks, Sally.

1:03:551:03:57

By the way,

1:03:571:03:58

you're a pretty good brother.

1:03:581:04:01

Glad you think that.

1:04:011:04:02

Maybe we can room together at military school.

1:04:021:04:05

DOOR OPENS

1:04:061:04:07

CONRAD: Well...

1:04:071:04:09

here goes.

1:04:091:04:11

# Betcha thought I'd gone

1:04:191:04:21

# Betcha felt a sting

1:04:211:04:23

# Betcha never thought I'd have another song to sing

1:04:231:04:25

# But now that you've learned your lesson

1:04:251:04:26

# Allow me to blow your mind

1:04:261:04:28

# By reading to you the small print

1:04:281:04:29

# Of the contract that you signed. #

1:04:291:04:31

OK, section 8, article 93, sub-paragraph 834,

1:04:311:04:34

right by the jelly stain.

1:04:341:04:36

It reads, "If Conrad, AKA Concrete,

1:04:361:04:39

"should open the crate - and we know he will -

1:04:391:04:41

"the contract shall be null and void."

1:04:411:04:43

"However...

1:04:441:04:46

"if Sally and Conrad should learn from their mistakes,

1:04:461:04:48

"the contract shall be reinstated."

1:04:481:04:50

And I think you two

1:04:501:04:51

have satisfied the legal burden of learning.

1:04:511:04:53

BOTH: Yeah! CAT: So there's just

1:04:531:04:55

one last game to play.

1:04:551:04:56

It's called "clean up the house".

1:04:561:04:57

Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractormajigger.

1:04:571:05:02

BOTH: D-I-R-T?

1:05:021:05:03

That's right!

1:05:031:05:05

Whoa!

1:05:071:05:09

# It's getting better all the time

1:05:091:05:11

# I used to get mad at my school

1:05:111:05:14

# The teachers who taught me weren't cool

1:05:151:05:19

# You're holding me down

1:05:191:05:21

# Turning me round

1:05:211:05:22

# Filling me up with your rules

1:05:221:05:26

# Got to admit it's getting better

1:05:261:05:30

# Better all the time

1:05:301:05:32

# Can't get no worse

1:05:321:05:34

# I have to admit it's getting better

1:05:341:05:37

# Better Since you've been mine

1:05:371:05:40

# Me? Used to be an angry young man

1:05:441:05:47

# Be hiding my head in the sand

1:05:471:05:50

# You gave me the word I finally heard

1:05:501:05:54

# I'm doing the best that I can, yeah

1:05:541:05:58

# I've got to admit it's getting better

1:05:581:06:00

# I'm getting better all the time

1:06:001:06:03

# Can't get no worse

1:06:031:06:05

# Got to admit it's getting better

1:06:051:06:07

# It's getting better since you've been mine... #

1:06:071:06:11

Oh, yeah!

1:06:111:06:13

These drapes are so out, they're in.

1:06:131:06:15

# Getting better all the time Better... #

1:06:151:06:19

Spin! Spin!

1:06:191:06:20

| Better |

1:06:201:06:22

# It's getting better all the time

1:06:221:06:25

# Better, better, better... #

1:06:251:06:28

HE CHORTLES

1:06:411:06:43

# I've got to admit it's getting better

1:06:471:06:50

# A little better all the time

1:06:501:06:54

# Yeah, I got to admit it's getting better

1:06:541:06:57

# It's getting better since you've been mine

1:06:571:07:01

# Getting so much better all the time. #

1:07:011:07:05

OK. We had some good times.

1:07:091:07:12

We cleaned up the house.

1:07:121:07:13

We even managed to work in

1:07:131:07:14

an uptempo pop tune for the soundtrack.

1:07:141:07:16

That's important.

1:07:161:07:17

I guess there's just one last thing to check.

1:07:181:07:21

Uh-huh.

1:07:221:07:24

Looks like everything's in balance.

1:07:341:07:36

But you're still smoking way too many cigars.

1:07:361:07:38

And you...lay off the sauce.

1:07:381:07:41

POP!

1:07:421:07:44

Cat, this day has been...amazing.

1:07:441:07:49

Thank you, Cat.

1:07:491:07:51

For everything.

1:07:541:07:55

Conrad...

1:07:581:07:59

Sally...

1:08:011:08:03

Adieu.

1:08:051:08:06

SALLY: Cat!

1:08:091:08:10

CONRAD: Cat! - Huh?

1:08:101:08:12

Wait, Cat. Don't go!

1:08:121:08:14

Oh-oh! KIDS GASP

1:08:151:08:17

CAT CHORTLES

1:08:181:08:20

JOAN: All right, kids, this place better not be a mess.

1:08:201:08:23

I'm...home?

1:08:231:08:26

BOTH: Hi, Mom.

1:08:261:08:27

SNORTS Miss Walden! Home so soon?

1:08:271:08:30

The children were angels.

1:08:301:08:32

Thanks, Mrs Kwan. Hello, Joan.

1:08:321:08:34

Ah!

1:08:341:08:35

Lawrence, what happened to you?

1:08:351:08:37

They...happened to me.

1:08:391:08:42

Your...demonic...children.

1:08:421:08:46

They destroyed your house!

1:08:471:08:49

The house was alive.

1:08:511:08:53

The wall was made of paper!

1:08:531:08:55

I fell off the cliff!

1:08:551:08:56

And the giant cat!

1:08:561:08:59

The giant cat....

1:09:001:09:03

Tell her!

1:09:031:09:05

(Larry, Larry...)

1:09:051:09:07

You look terrible.

1:09:071:09:10

And my mom thinks you're insane.

1:09:101:09:12

This is what we in sales

1:09:121:09:13

call a win-win scenario.

1:09:131:09:15

Joan, you are passing up the opportunity of a lifetime.

1:09:181:09:21

You know what kind of kid your boy is.

1:09:211:09:24

I mean, who are you going to believe?

1:09:241:09:28

You're right.

1:09:281:09:30

I do know what kind of kid Conrad is.

1:09:301:09:32

He can be irresponsible...

1:09:321:09:33

Yes.

1:09:331:09:34

- He makes bad choices. - Yes.

1:09:341:09:36

And sometimes he makes me want to tear my hair out.

1:09:361:09:37

Yes, yes, yes!

1:09:371:09:39

But he's a good kid,

1:09:391:09:42

and I believe in him.

1:09:421:09:43

Now, I'd like you to leave.

1:09:431:09:45

Wha...? Joan...

1:09:451:09:47

Joan.

1:09:471:09:48

Joan...

1:09:481:09:50

Oh, Joan! Joan! Joan!

1:09:521:09:55

HE SOBS

1:09:551:09:57

HE SNEEZES

1:09:581:09:59

Will you marry me, Joan?

1:10:041:10:06

Joan, Joan... Joan, Joan...

1:10:081:10:10

QUINN SOBS LOUDLY

1:10:101:10:13

Yes! BOTH: Yes! Yes!

1:10:131:10:17

That was nice... SHE SNORES

1:10:191:10:23

Mr Humberfloob?

1:10:271:10:28

Whoa! Almost got me again.

1:10:281:10:31

Enjoy the party.

1:10:311:10:32

WOMAN: I told him not to touch you. Mr Humberfloob.

1:10:321:10:35

Joan, the party's a hit and the house is immaculate.

1:10:351:10:38

Congratulations.

1:10:381:10:39

WOMAN: Miss Walden, Miss Walden.

1:10:391:10:42

FISH BEATBOXES

1:10:421:10:44

Hi, Mom.

1:10:441:10:45

Honey, your cupcakes are a huge hit.

1:10:451:10:47

What did you put in them?

1:10:471:10:49

Mom, you can make cupcakes out of anything.

1:10:491:10:51

CONRAD: Are you telling me

1:10:511:10:53

you can make cupcakes

1:10:531:10:54

out of anything?

1:10:541:10:55

Anything.

1:10:551:10:56

Anything?

1:10:561:10:58

So, what did you kids do today, huh?

1:10:581:11:01

NARRATOR: 'Well, what would you do

1:11:011:11:02

'if your mother asked you?

1:11:021:11:04

'The family was whole

1:11:041:11:06

'All thanks to the Cat

1:11:061:11:08

'Who was dashing and charming

1:11:081:11:09

'No doubt about that

1:11:091:11:11

'He was witty and cultured

1:11:111:11:12

'And, well, very endearing

1:11:121:11:15

'And tremendously attractive!'

1:11:151:11:17

AS NARRATOR: But in a sort of real way.

1:11:171:11:19

You know, a kind of approachable way

1:11:191:11:21

that I think you don't see these days...

1:11:211:11:22

RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES

1:11:221:11:23

CAT'S VOICE: Oh! Hello!

1:11:231:11:25

I was just, er... I really should be going.

1:11:251:11:28

How'd they get so smart?

1:11:281:11:32

HE LAUGHS

1:11:321:11:35

ALL: Oh, yeah!

1:11:361:11:38

CAT LAUGHS

1:11:411:11:44

Come on, Things, let's go.

1:11:511:11:53

What's on my schedule for tomorrow?

1:11:531:11:55

What do you say we go on vacation?

1:11:571:11:59

How about Hawaii? I like Hawaii.

1:11:591:12:02

I should warn you, there are certain places

1:12:031:12:05

that don't allow certain Things.

1:12:051:12:07

Oh, Things are complicated.

1:12:091:12:11

# Things are gettin' weird

1:12:321:12:33

# Things are gettin' tough

1:12:331:12:35

# Nothing's making sense

1:12:351:12:37

# But you keep on lookin' up

1:12:371:12:38

# They tell you to be true

1:12:381:12:40

# You're tryin' every day

1:12:401:12:42

# To keep it on the real

1:12:421:12:43

# Still you gotta find a way

1:12:431:12:45

# To make your mama happy

1:12:451:12:47

# To make your papa proud

1:12:471:12:49

# You wanna turn it up

1:12:491:12:50

# But all you hear is, "Tone it down"

1:12:501:12:52

# So gather round, I'm here to say

1:12:521:12:55

# You'll never make everybody's day

1:12:551:12:59

# But while you're around, you might as well

1:12:591:13:01

# Catch the tiger by its tail

1:13:011:13:04

# And hang on, hang on, hang on

1:13:041:13:06

# Everybody just

1:13:061:13:08

# Get on, get on, get on... #

1:13:081:13:10

Humorous adaptation of the classic Dr Seuss children's book.

Sally and Conrad are two bored kids whose lives are turned upside-down and outside-in when the eponymous feline pays them a visit on a rainy day.