Blackbeard's Ghost

-Want gas, mister?

-Yeah, fill it up.

-Help yourself. I gotta close up.

Do you know how to get to Blackbeard's Inn?

-I'm going there. I'll show you, if you give me a lift.

-You're on.

-Staying at the inn?

-Yep.

-Mostly old ladies live there.

Salesmen going through like to stay at Ye Jolly Roger, down in town.

-I'm the new track coach at Godolphin College.

-Glad to know you.

I'm Gudger Larkin. I'm captain of your track squad.

Small world! Let's see... I'd guess you were a sprinter.

No, sir! I'm as slow as molasses in January.

-Can you give me a hand, Coach?

-Oh, yeah.

What IS your event, Larkin?

-The shot put.

-The weight man's usually the strongest on the team!

Yes, sir.

-That's the inn.

-Did the pirate build it?

-Sure. He got killed in a battle in the bay.

-I must brush up on local history.

-The old ladies who run the inn are descendants of Blackbeard's crew.

"Buccaneer Bazaar. Help save the inn." What does that mean?

Some guy wants the inn torn down, but the old ladies are fighting it.

Have they started to tear it down already(?)

It's built of timbers of ships wrecked in the bay.

-You can park over there.

-All right.

CAR SCREECHES TO A HALT

What's that all about?

Hey, buddy, I...

That's Silky Seymour. He runs the gambling around here.

-What's he doing here?

-He bought the old ladies' mortgage. Unless they come up with the loot, they're out.

-Seymour gets everything he wants around here, huh?

-Just about.

THE BAND PLAYS SHANTY

Have you seen Miss Stowecroft? This man has a reservation. She's telling fortunes.

Dean Wheaton? What? Meet our new track coach...

Steve Walker. I'm to report to you.

Welcome to Godolphin.

I don't want to be negative, but I was against replacing our former coach, when he left so informally.

The track team has done little to add lustre to Godolphin, so why go on with it?

I'm sorry to hear that...

But we've been in the Broxton Relays for years. The alumni insisted on one more try.

It's not long till the Relays, but I hope to restore your confidence.

I never had any.

Before the warmth of the dean's reception goes to my head, I think I'll get a room.

OK, Coach. See you tomorrow.

Gudger?

What DID happen to the other track coach?

I dunno. He got to acting real weird - talking to himself, real down in the chops.

One day, he just disappeared. Just...he was gone.

Goodnight, Gudger.

Night, Coach.

< Mr Walker?

-This is Mr Purvis, our football coach, whom you must know by reputation.

-Who doesn't?

We're very fortunate. Mr Purvis produces winning football teams,

which in turn produce gratifyingly large endowments from proud alumni.

Mr Walker is the new coach of what we refer to as the track team.

The track team(!)

-You won't last three weeks. Take my word for it.

-If you don't mind, I'd like to find out for myself.

A word of advice.

-At Godolphin, the name of the game is football.

-Football...

Don't get any big ideas.

Wouldn't dream of it.

I'm sure Mr Walker will acclimatise.

Track team(!)

SHE SINGS, TRANCE-LIKE

Miss Stowecroft?

Sit down, Ishmael.

No, my name's Walker. A room was arranged for me by the college.

You know? Living accommodation.

We accommodate the living, but who shall accommodate the dead?

Give me your hand.

I don't want my fortune told. ..Just a room, Miss Stowecroft.

AAAGH!

There's revelation here.

Dark deeds. Things roused up that were better left to rot.

If you tell me where the keys are...

Hold! There's more to the revelation.

-We see good here, too.

-Oh, that's good.

Happiness and content for Godolphin, delivered from an ancient evil.

And gratitude to you, Ishmael, who have sacrificed your own life in their delivery.

Now the light fades.

That is all.

-About the room...

-That's all.

You may leave an honorarium for the care of the spirits on your way out.

SHE BEGINS TO SING AGAIN

Thank you. Come again.

Hi!

-What's the big idea?

-Kisses one buck.

I don't work here. Can't you read? I'm executive committee.

I work here.

Well, now. So you do!

That's what I call a good dollar kiss. Value for money!

Would you hold this a minute?

-Would you like to try the five dollar special?

-Five dollar special.

May I have my badge? ..Thank you.

I'm terribly sorry. Only one to a customer. ..Excuse me.

-Miss Stowecroft! If I could get that room now.

-Ishmael! Come along, the auction is about to begin.

Ladies and gentlemen of Godolphin and neighbouring community,

you know the purpose of this bazaar.

The Daughters Of The Buccaneers took over this ruin years ago and turned it into a cultural landmark.

They served tea, cooked dinners, turned part of it into a boarding house...anything to keep it going.

But that's not enough.

And unless enough money is raised tonight,

their home will pass into the hands of strangers.

So, when Miss Stowecroft begins to auction off

the treasured mementos, the fine antiques and heirlooms that the ladies have donated to the cause,

I beg you to search your hearts

and to bid cheerfully, boldly and very, very generously. Thank you.

Miss Stowecroft.

Thank you, Professor Baker. ..Lot number one.

A fine antique pistol, which has been in the family of Miss Emily Jeffrey,

president of the Daughters Of The Buccaneers, for many years.

- 1. - Can't we do better than that? Who'll give me 20?

Do I hear...

20?

The gentleman in the back just waved.

The gentleman says 20. Who'll give me 30?

30! >

35!

40!

50!> < 60! 70! >

Do I hear 80?

80!

100!

100 bid.

Do I hear 110?

Professor Baker, how about your nice young man in back?

He just backed into his shell.

Very well. 100 once!

100 twice!

Sold!

All right. Move in.

100. Thank you.

You got taken, buddy. This is a fake.

Take my advice. Don't bid on anything else.

The warming pan is fake, too?

It's tourist junk. Mr Seymour don't like you to throw your money away.

This bed warmer is believed to have been the property of Alditha Teach,

tenth wife of our dear Captain Blackbeard.

If you wanna bid, go ahead. But I don't think Mr Seymour would like it.

Mrs Sackie, how about starting the bidding?

No, thanks. I...I don't think so.

- How about you, Mr Finch? - Oh, er, no. No, thank you.

Mr Harrison, you opened the bidding for us...

This pistol's enough for me.

Oh...well... No-one opened bidding on this magnificent item.

-5.

-Well, thank you.

10.

Mr Purvis, our football coach, bids 10.

Fifteen.

-20.

-25.

-30.

-35.

50.

-Er, 55.

-60!

-65.

-70!

-..5.

100.

As we all know, Mr Virgil Purvis, our football coach, doesn't like to lose.

He very generously bid 100.

It's just an opinion, but I wouldn't bid any more, if I were you.

Why is that?

No reason. I don't want you to, that's all.

Oh.

200!

200 once... 200 twice...

Sold to the nice, young gentleman in back.

Now we're really rolling.

Excuse me.

Here we have a fascinating piece from colonial times. The clock...

-New around here, aren't you?

-Yeah.

-Just passing through?

-Nope.

-Might stick around a while?

-Might.

Thank you. >

We'll see each other again. Goodnight.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-How d'you make out?

-Better than we expected.

-No problem, then?

We still have 38,000 to give Mr Seymour by the 1st of the month.

Why is Mr Seymour so anxious to get his hands on this property?

I'll show you on the map. This is the island we're on.

In Blackbeard's time, the river flowed this way, and the inn was part of the mainland.

80 years ago, the river changed its course, isolating the inn from the mainland.

So, no-one's clarified the island's legal jurisdiction.

That's where Mr Seymour comes in.

Tear down the inn. Put up a casino. And the law can't bother him.

Thank you for what you did tonight. You know, without you, we wouldn't have had much of an auction.

I just kept bidding because it made you smile. I like that smile.

Jo Anne! Aren't you rea...? I've been waiting to drive you home.

Excuse me.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

I'm going to put you in his room. I'm sure he won't mind.

-He?

-Captain Blackbeard.

-Oh.

This looks out to the river and to the upper bay.

The captain used to stand here for hours with his spyglass, studying the ships moving in and out.

He'd pick out the one he liked.

Then he'd come here, to this very table.

With his men, he'd plan how to seize it.

Thank you, Miss Stowecroft. You must be anxious to get to bed...

Sometimes when he's in a bad mood,

or feeling lonely, we hear him thumping around,

breaking glasses and bottles, trying so hard to communicate with us.

I suppose we should all be very angry with him for all that noise.

But, you know, it isn't his fault, poor man.

-Whose fault is it?

-..Alditha's, of course.

-Who?

Number Ten. The captain's last wife but one.

The one your warming pan belonged to.

-Well, good...

-Alditha was a witch.

She never forgave the captain for denouncing her to the authorities.

When they were burning her at the stake, she put a curse on him.

As the flames crept higher and higher,

she screeched her dying words, "Edward Teach, known as Blackbeard,

"when you come to die, may your body and soul be racked between this world and the next,

"always to be alone.

"May this curse hold fast and true! May you dwell forever more in limbo,

"or until such time as there be found in you, most wicked of all villains...

"..some spark of human goodness."

Goodnight, Mr Walker. Sleep well.

The dining room will be open for breakfast at 7.30am.

Please be prompt.

CRUNCHING SOUND

Oh, no.

200 bucks.

Alditha Teach.

So the thing DID belong to her.

Well, now.

"A spell to turn your enemy into a spotted toad."

"A spell to turn mercury to gold."

I wonder if there's a spell to make a track team out of a pig's ear!

"A spell to bring to your eyes and ears one who is bound in limbo."

How about that? Limbo.

"Kree kruh

"vergo gebba kalto kree!"

CLAP OF THUNDER

Purses...pirates...malarkey.

Blackbeard, himself, was a phoney.

He was probably a chicken-livered pipsqueak who built up a reputation, scaring old women and children.

Chicken-livered pipsqueak, is it?

A remark, spoke slighting like that, could raise a man's blood. Could it not?

I've been on the road since five. I'm just tired. Nothing to eat.

Miss Stowecroft gassed me up with pirate stories. I'm just tired.

Boy, am I tired!

-I don't think you're real. I don't think that sword is real. I'm gonna walk right through it.

-Try it, mate.

Ow!

It's real.

-Who called me out?

-What?

-Who invoked me?

Have I...?

Alditha's writing! Ugh!

Alditha done it.

"Beware," cried me shipmates, "that girl, she be a true witch!"

And I paid no heed.

Oh, Alditha, to do that to your legal-spoke husband.

-The story is, Blackbeard had her burned.

-Eh?!

I never put a taper to her. Never!

I might have keelhauled a wife or two, or walked one off the end of the plank.

But I never did it for spite, never for spite.

I might have done it out of jest, to keep me shipmates' spirits up.

Now to real business.

-Where d'you stow it?

-What?

-Your rum!

I don't drink.

Don't drink?!

Ship's stores... Have to seek succour there.

Mistress Stowecroft, your humble servant...servant.

# A bottle of rum No glasses are left

# I'll drink from a bottle with you Hum dee fiddle-de-dee! Hum da-da-da-da! #

You don't know what you're missing, son.

-She didn't see you.

-Huh?

-She didn't even hear you.

-Why should she?

I'm a kind of a ghost. In limbo. Twixt this world and the next.

Beholden to that spell which brings me to your eyes only.

You mean, no-one can see you, except me?

That's about the shape of it, son.

And that's why I'll be sailing alongside of you.

Wheresoever thou goeth, there also will I go.

Let's drink to that. Sure you don't want to freshen your spleen?

Let's get this straight. I want nothing to do with you.

I'm gonna go to bed, and you can go back into the woodwork.

Blackbeard don't take kindly to them sort of insinnuendos.

I don't care for YOUR gib, neither.

If I were to lay this course, I'd choose myself a hearty companion, with a little blood on his sleeve

and a predilection for rum, song and the occasional wench.

But what have I got? I've got a shindly little beanrake.

-Now, wait...

-With the shakes and the whimpers.

-What do you mean?

Doesn't even want to join me in a drink!

We're stuck with one another. The cruise may well be a long one, so you'd better make the best of it.

And I take this opportunity of bidding you a very good night.

Hey!

Wait a minute! Get off of my bed!

-Your bed?

-My bed!

-MY BED!

I captured it from a Portuguese trader. I spitted him clean and sweet against the headboard.

Don't rush me. ..There it is.

There's your Portuguese, what's left of him.

If you think I'm sleeping on the floor, you're wrong!

Welcome aboard! And drop your hook. Don't ever let it be said that old Teach was inhospitable.

All I ask is to be able to get to sleep, because I know...

I know when I wake up, none of this will have ever happened.

HE SINGS DROWSILY

# There were 9 and 20 Spanish lads A-pulling on the sheets... #

HE SNORES

Up the Jolly Roger!

Wind freshening? Aye. Hoist it again.

Hey, Portuguese! It's your daughter I'm after, senhor, not your bed.

We meet again!

Pick up your weapon, sir.

Take my regards to the King of Spain. ..Aaagh!

Bellamy! ..Aaagh!

That is it. ..That is absolutely it!

Figment of my imagination or not, he can have his room and his BED!

I don't need it. I'm going to the Ye Jolly Roger Motel, where the salesmen go.

Well, nothing like a little fresh air to straighten you out.

For a while there, I almost believed there WAS a pirate.

Oh, no. ..You're back, right?

That's about the measure of it. There's no way of being rid of dear old Blackbeard.

That's great.

I couldn't have an ordinary ghost on my hands. I've got a rummy. A big, ugly, booze-soaked rummy.

There be no call to put the fuddler's name on your new-found shipmate.

Look...

I've been very lonely, see.

I'm just an old hulk, wrecked on a lee shore.

All my shipmates gone. No-one to listen to me no more.

You don't care for me. That's plain as print.

Shut up, will you? Just, just shut up!

-You wouldn't have a handkerchief on your person?

-No, I don't.

-You must.

-Keep your hands to yourself.

HE SOBS

-What manner of craft be this we're cruising in?

-What?

-This craft?

-An automobile.

-Eh?

-AN AUTOMOBILE!

-Oh, automatonism.

-Yes, automaton.

-Hey, sit down!

It's propelled by some kind of animal.

-What are you doing?!

-I've a mind to be at the helm.

You've another mind coming. You'll kill us!

Take your hands of the spokes!

I'll take that wheel!

-I haven't finished my turn.

-Let go!

-It's my turn!

-Get your hands off the wheel.

-I'll soon show it who's master.

-No, no!

Through the breakers, boy! Hoist the main braces! Stand by to wear ship now.

Take your foot off of my gas!

Look out!

The mast!

Policeman!

DOG BARKS

Let go!

I'll give you the wheel later.

You've done it now, you dummy!

Steer it around. ..And overboard!

Your driver's licence, please.

-Who's the popinjay?

-(Will you stay out of this?)

I see we've been out getting our nose wet tonight.

-I don't drink.

-And what is that on the seat beside you?

-It looks like rum.

-May I have it, please?

I believe you're right. It IS a bottle of rum.

Let the swab find his own rum.

Will you give me this bottle and stop making a nuisance of yourself?

-I'll take charge of that bottle.

-Let go of the bottle, idiot!

-No need for epithets. I'm only doing my job.

Destruction of the evidence isn't gonna help you.

This be the foulest crime of all. Wasting good spirits.

Thunder displaces me blood!

No! Don't do it!

No need to get emotional. You had the fun. Now take the consequences.

All right, lad. I shan't harm him. But this gentleman needs a lesson in manners.

Plain to see you're starting to come apart at the seams.

Edgy, twitchy, talking to yourself.

BLACKBEARD HUMS CHEERFULLY

-Cut it out, Blackbeard!

-Get out of the car!

Watch that thing! ..Look out!

Five balls in one load, mate. Five!

Many's a time I could've done with a little darling like that.

BLACKBEARD SHOUTS AT POLICEMAN

The key, you idiot!

-The key! Turn off the key!

-Think you can get away from me, do you?

ENGINE AND RADIO DIE

That be better sport than riding a humpback whale in a hurricane!

HE LAUGHS

Care for a drench? It'll brighten your sky.

-Still here, huh?

-Alditha's testament, I see.

Studying some way to get rid of poor old Blackbeard?

How did you guess?

I note that you have a bent for getting yourself into trouble.

-I

-get into trouble?!

That is really rich! Who do you suppose put me here?

You think I like your mortal life?

There doesn't seem to be any honest joy any more.

Modern life seems to have got small. You call this a four-poster bed?!

You wait there.

I'm down.

You'll get no comfort from that. If Alditha laid that spell, it's a good one.

Wait a minute. Miss Stowecroft told me that curse.

Something about you having to dwell in limbo, until there be found in you some spark of human goodness.

-What's up?

-Alditha was bright as brass. She knew me like a book.

You must have done something good. Did you ever pat a dog?

-Dog?

-Yes.

-Pat it? No, I never did pat it.

Did you ever help an old lady across the street?

-Silly.

-ANYTHING?!

-No.

-No.

No, we're sunk, you and me.

Dead as pork.

Might as well...face up to it.

Hey!

Ain't the old ladies your own kith and kin? Give 'em your treasure.

-My treasure?

-Yeah. It's hidden somewhere around here, isn't it?

Never mind.

-Why should I give them it?

-Why?!

Because you can do good with it. You might break the curse.

-You thinks this?

-Yes, I thinks this.

If you help those ladies save their home, they'll name schools and bridges after you...

Can't you see it? ..Teach Park.

Teach Highway. See that?

The Edward Teach, er, Memorial, er, Free Day Nursery.

-Free?

-For babies.

-Named after a wicked old pirate? For nothing more than a few strands of precious jewels?

-You bet!

-And in spite of the fact that I've got the blood of gallant lads still on my hands?

-Forget the blood!

Crack loose with the treasure. It's the only way.

-It don't sound right to me.

-Of course it doesn't!

How would you know right from wrong? That's why the curse held on so long.

-Come on. Where's the treasure?

-I suppose I must trust you.

-Where is it?

-You wanna know the treasure?

Where is it?

Where's the treasure?

There ain't no treasure.

There ain't...? ..What?!

No! Not a penny. Not a doubloon. Not a bent or damaged peseta.

That is one of the most outrageous things that I have ever...!

People have been searching for that treasure for years!

Poor souls grubbing in the dirt!

I'm not good for nothing, I'm not. I'm not.

Grubbing in the dirt... Those poor people there.

Oh, don't start crying again.

You must have saved a few coins somewhere. Something!

-Nothing.

-I did have a treasure.

-Yeah?

-I had a big treasure.

-Yeah?

-Lovely. I did.

But I spent it all in one week.

Among the fleshpots and gambling holes of Port Royal. It was a glorious week.

You are a 100% total loss!

You're not even a respectable ghost. You're a phoney!

-Eh?

-A phoney!

Oh, I've run aground.

-The guy was stoned. Get rid of him!

-The police released him for lack of evidence.

The report says, "Though the police station reeked of rum, the test showed no alcohol in his system."

He probably figured some way to neutralise the booze. Pills, maybe.

There's a corollary. It says that Mr Walker spoke loudly to someone in his cell all night long.

-There's nothing wrong with that.

-No-one was with him.

He's stoned or nuts. Either way, who needs him?

-Professor, did you notice anything unusual in Walker's behaviour?

-Yes, I did.

< There, see!

-When Seymour scared everyone, only he stood up like a man.

-That's not fair!

The Broxton Relays take place next month. Our team needs Mr Walker.

- I still say we saw him off. - Just a minute, Mr Purvis.

We have fielded a team for 63 years. We'll carry on the tradition as best we can with Mr Walker.

Well, I'm sure you won't regret it.

-Oh, Professor?

-Yes?

I realise that your field is child psychology, but could you keep an eye on Mr Walker's behaviour?

-It's the least I can do.

-Thank you.

Does it strike you as odd, that all our track coaches seem to crack up?

I understand the others, but this one hasn't even seen the team.

-Why has Phil got his fingers in his ears?

-On account of the starter.

-You mean...?

-Phil's afraid of guns.

BANG!

We need more time to whip these boys into shape.

You don't suppose they could postpone the Broxton meet, do you? ..No.

OK, fellas. That's it for today. Hit the showers!

Right, Coach. ..Let's go, fellas.

How fares your day, today, eh?

As if I don't have enough troubles.

For a while, I thought I'd lost you.

I've been in Godolphin Town, roaming the streets of my young manhood.

Soaking myself in nostalgia.

I know. I can smell it!

As fate would have it, I went to one of these gambling establishments, Silky's Place.

I overheard what the natives were saying about gambling.

-Go away!

-If there's been one abiding passion in my life, it's been placing a coin upon a wager.

So, when I heard I could get 50-1 on the forthcoming enterprise of your young rabbits...

-What?!

-You want your lads to win. I can teach you how to do it.

-Forget it!

-Why should I? I was a good hand at cruises.

I was known as the finest pirate ever to sail the Spanish Main.

Or the Portuguese Main. Either, for that matter.

You may ask with some impatience, "Why?" I tell you why.

I train my men to win!

WIN! ..Always win!

By fair means or foul. By soft words and hard deeds.

By treachery. By cunning. By malpractice. And always win!

-You have the brass to ask me to let you train my team?!

-I'm not doing this for myself.

-I'm doing this for those dear, sweet old ladies.

-Oh, yes(!)

The lavender-scented ladies, I call them.

That stagger up their stairs at night, when the light has got too bad for knitting by,

and say to one another, "Where is our ship,

"which may never now come to port at all?"

Never mind the snow job! I feel just as sorry for them as you do.

But that doesn't give you leave to put your bloody paws onto my team!

-If we win anything, we'll do it without cheating.

-Without cheating?

-You don't know what life is like.

-Go and maroon yourself somewhere! Go on!

You don't know what life is made of.

You see. There he goes again.

I don't know what his problem is, but it's a beaut.

I take it your observations have been inconclusive.

I can't tell if it's the track meet or outside pressures.

-I've not been able to get a close-range view.

-Pity.

-I AM having dinner with him tonight.

-He asked you to dinner?

Well, not exactly. ..I asked him.

D'you think that's wise?

Yes, as head of the committee to welcome new faculty to the college.

-Professor, we don't have any such committee.

-We do now.

Oh. ..Oh, yeah!

-Hello, Professor, nice to see you. ..Mr Walker, we meet again.

-Looks that way.

Let me buy you a lobster dinner. Then we'll have a whirl at Lady Luck.

-Thank you, but that's not likely.

-Suit yourself.

There's no harm in asking, is there?

Make sure my friends get a nice table. This way.

Enjoy your dinner.

-What's he doing here?

-Mr Seymour owns this place. Sorry!

How's the action?

-I appreciate this.

-Appreciate what?

-Your suggesting dinner.

-That's all right.

The committee is ready to help the newcomer at all times.

That's very nice. I do need someone I can talk to.

I've had a problem, and I've been afraid to talk to someone because they might think I was silly.

-Why, please go on.

-Thank you.

It started the night of the auction.

I sat down to remove my shoes.

I wasn't paying attention, and I sat on that antique bed warmer.

I broke the handle right off.

-You musn't let that bother you.

-It wasn't that.

-I have the address of a shop where we could get it fixed.

No, Professor, wait a minute. ..Wow!

-What's the matter?

-Aren't you afraid to carry all that around?

I'm taking it to the bank in the morning. It belongs to the Daughters Of The Buccaneers.

Old ladies and their mortgage. I hope they're gonna make it.

Mr Walker, this is only 900.

Unless 37,000 or a miracle turn up by tomorrow night, those little old ladies are gonna lose their home.

-Can't you borrow the money from the bank?

-Not at the moment.

-But we were talking about your problem.

-Oh, yeah. My problem.

-Mr Walker?

-Yeah?

-Are we looking for somebody?

-Yes. My problem.

I know your first inclination is gonna be...

is gonna be not to believe this.

Hear me out. Please.

Certainly.

-He appeared the night of the auction.

-He?

-It was because of him I spent the first night in jail.

-And I haven't been able to get him off my back yet.

-Is he here now?

No, no. I don't see him around now.

-But I smell him.

-Smell him?!

-Yes - his breath would stun a horse.

He's a booze-guzzling old cutthroat, and he's latched onto me as his buddy.

Does he have a name? I mean, who does he claim to be?

Uh...

Blackbeard's ghost.

-Blackbeard's ghost?

-Yeah.

How can you be sure he's the real Blackbeard's ghost?

You should see him. He's got whiskers. He's got a cutlass...

-That's who I saw you talking to!

-I've been afraid to tell anybody.

I mean, they might think I was nuts.

I don't think anyone would think that, but...

-you certainly do have a problem.

-I've got a problem.

-Will you order now, sir?

-Yes, thank you.

-Madame.

-Thank you.

Our shore dinners are very good this evening.

Sounds good to me. How about you, Professor?

-That's fine.

-Two shore dinners.

Would you like our special dressing on your salad?

Please, go on.

-Are you sure? I don't wanna bug you with my problems.

-I wanna hear.

You were telling me how you first met Captain Blackbeard.

-Where was I?

-Sitting on your antique bed warmer.

The handle broke off. It turned out to be hollow. I thought nothing of it.

Then I noticed there was something rolled up inside. Dusty old paper.

I thought it was gonna fall apart in my hands. It gave me a funny feeling.

Oh! Oh, you poor man.

-Waiter, did you hurt yourself?

-I am so sorry.

-It's just a little water.

-No harm done.

-Madame, please forgive me.

-Certainly.

Hi, Danny. > Hi.

You just missed the first race.

TV: They're in the starting gate now. There's the rabbit. And they're off!

Pilson is leading the field.

Hello Baby second. Rainy Weather third.

At the first turn, Pilson to lead, Rainy Weather second.

Hello Baby and Daddy Dumpling.

This your bet? Why d'you think I'm standing here?

- I hope you know what you're doing. - Let me worry about that.

Be right back.

Mr Seymour, take a look at this.

Godolphin to win. Who's the patsy?

Danny Oley. OK? His money's as good as anybody's.

What price? > On this one, anything.

For an old customer like Danny, let's make it interesting. 50-1.

TV: At the three-quarter pole, it's Daddy Dumpling.

Handy Andy moving in on fourth.

OK, Danny.

At the finish, it's Snow Queen and Paula.

Win Some Last to win on the second.

What's the matter? You just made a bet.

This is my bet. 50 on Win Some Last to win.

Do you remember? You bet Godolphin 900 to win the Broxton Relay.

Come on! I wouldn't bet on Godolphin to start with the letter G.

Skipping the technical language and getting down to the point,

I would say, if you ignore him, he'll go away.

He's not so easy to ignore!

Oh, please try. I know you can do it.

Sitting here with you, I almost believe you're right. I WILL try.

Bravo!

Now just say, "Farewell, Blackbeard, bother me no more."

I like the sound of that, but just in case it doesn't work,

may I feel free to call on you at any time?

Oh...certainly.

There's no point in being head of a committee unless you do your job.

Oh, no.

Sorry about the ice cream, madame.

It's quite all right, but I think I'll skip dessert.

Yeah. Just the check, please.

-Keep the change.

-Thank you.

-Come along.

-Excuse me.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight, madame.

-Goodnight.

-Thank you.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

CHEERLEADING MUSIC

How do you do, ladies and gentlemen?

Welcome to Sport Spectacular, coming to you this week from Broxton Field,

home of the famous national track and field event, The Broxton Relays.

As you sports fans know, there are four college teams represented here.

Three of them are among the outstanding teams in the nation.

As for the fourth, little Godolphin College from across the river,

in the old days the Godolphin track squad took a back seat to no-one.

But those good old days seem to be gone forever.

Look at this event, not as a track meet, but as a preparation for life.

Some of you are graduating soon. The world is full of nothing but trouble, frustration...and strife.

Nowhere will you find a better preparation for that world than to be a member of this track team.

All right. It's time to go.

No matter what happens out there tonight, in my heart, each and every one of you is a champion.

Let's go!

Pardon me, Professor.

Nice of you to come. We can use good wishes.

I certainly wish your team good luck, but that's not why I'm here.

You may recall, last night I placed 900 in my bag. When I opened it this morning, this was in its place.

900 on Godolphin.

-I appreciate your confidence, but you shouldn't have.

-I do not bet,

and I wouldn't embezzle funds placed in my trust to do it.

Well, then, how did it happen...?

Only you knew I had that money.

That rotten pirate did it! Imagine taking the old ladies' money!

-Well, someone took it.

-Now I remember...

-You don't think

-I

-did it?

-You can't expect me to credit that story.

-That's what happened!

-Didn't you say you believed in the pirate?

-Not 900 worth!

Besides, I believe in him as a metaphysical image.

Not some stupid, sticky-fingered goop.

That's what he is!

-Hurry up, Coach!

-I'll be right there.

Mr Walker, I shan't bother you any more.

I know your motives were good, even though your reasoning was idiotic.

BLACKBEARD SINGS DRUNKENLY

You regard me strangely, son. ..Something amiss?

-You took that money.

-Money?

Money...

Oh, the odd flimsy I removed from the purse of your wench.

Why should that stir your ire?

It belongs to the little old ladies.

I replaced that money with a piece of paper that will bring great wealth to them small old ladies.

I can't trust no-one. I'll deal with this personally.

Just how do you figure to do that?

By bringing a victory in the sport event that's taking place out there.

-I told you... Give me that alcohol!

-Dangerous move!

-That's not to drink.

-Are you trying to kill yourself?

-It's a little late for that!

Let's get one thing straight.

Keep your grubby paws off my boys!

I don't know what you're trying to do, but you're not gonna do it.

My team may not win, but what they do, they'll do honestly.

Come on, Coach! We've come in last in two events already.

Hands off! You got that?

-MOCKING:

-Come on, Coach. We've come in last in two events already.

All right. Play it whatever way you like, you puppy.

You'll get no help from me. You'll come crawling back, you will.

I'll bring my boot to you,

and I'll grind your mealy-mouthed jib into the dirt.

I will.

It's going just about as I predicted.

Broxton has won three events, followed by Tidewater and State.

Little Godolphin College has not scored a single point...

nor, in my opinion, seems likely to.

The discus throw. L J Stoole of Broxton College, the first contestant.

It looks like a new meet record.

In the discus throw, Stoole, of Broxton College, 210'11".

-You're gonna do fine. Just remember to let go on the second turn.

-Let go on the second turn.

Bagwell of Godolphin College ready on the discus throw.

Oh, how I dread this!

Bagwell, let go of the discus!

You know, Dean, this whole thing bugs me.

You blow the profits made by my boys on this team's sweatsocks.

Excuse me.

Spare me your soliloquy on sweatsocks.

-Mr Seymour, may I speak with you?

-Certainly. ..Run along, fellas.

Professor, what can I do for you?

Well, yesterday - I shan't explain how -

900 belonging to the Daughters Of The Buccaneers was bet on Godolphin.

Say, now... So, the bet was all your doing.

I was wondering if you'd be kind enough to cancel the bet and give us back the money.

As you know, I'm a man of principle.

My guardian principle has always been, "A bet's a bet."

Look at those poor old ladies. You know they have nowhere to go.

I've been thinking about those dear old girls,

living in that drafty inn, working their fingers to the bone,

cluttering up that valuable real estate.

-Do they know about this?

-Of course not. I wouldn't raise false hopes.

-Then you won't take it back?

-Sweetness, what do you take me for?

Oh, Professor, you'd better hold onto this.

It may become very valuable some day.

I know your sort.

My great-great-granddaughters.

By thunder!

There be a time for action!

Old ladies, Blackbeard's coming.

Up the Jolly Roger!

Let's see where we stand now.

The mile run is in its second lap. Leading at the moment is Broxton.

Over at the high jump, Shockley of Godolphin.

- What was that? - Unusual jumping style.

Shockley cleared 6'11"!

-Our Shockley?!

-They're trying for seven feet!

Shockley of Godolphin jumping.

Great stuff!

We never know, do we? It proves nothing is certain in the world of...

Here's the final lap of the mile run.

Get out of there! ..Excuse me.

Come back!

Just for a moment there, it looked as though they were running backward.

They ARE!

Keep going!

APPLAUSE

Come join the morris dance, lad. You'll raise your weary spirits.

I'm telling you, get off this field.

CHEERLEADERS COO

He makes a better pom-pom girl than he does a coach.

It's Godolphin ready with the javelin throw.

Where d'you think you're going?

The shot put event welcomes to Broxton College the first contestant.

-You want to protest?! You won the last three events.

-It wasn't us...

-Look, he's at it again.

-I'm looking.

Wilkins...a little off form tonight.

That comes to 5'11".

-Did you see that?

-OK, he flunked one. What's the big problem?

And now, Larkin of Godolphin is ready with his effort.

It's really not much of a...

It's coming this way.

AAAGH!

I've got to see some sweet old ladies about a bet.

-Godolphin to win! Have you gone mad?

-Not yet, but the evening's young.

Mr Seymour!

-Stop babbling and get out.

-Listen to me.

-We're under pressure, too!

Brilliant(!)

The pole vault bar is set at 17'5". Here's Carson of Broxton.

I knew he'd go too far!

One more disturbance, and you'll be moved off the field entirely.

Go, Godolphin! I never saw you this excited at a football game.

Let me tell you something... Go, Godolphin!

I hate football... Yeah, Godolphin!

I've always hated football. Go, go, go!

What d'you think of your old matey now, eh?

They could hang me for what I think. I told you, hands off.

Let me say, you are the lowest, most underhanded, miserable excuse for what used to be a human being.

I thought I was helping you.

Helping?! That's a yob for you!

Didn't you say helping the old ladies would contribute to my salvation?

-You haven't helped anybody.

-I haven't helped anybody?

-I perceive now how difficult it is to do a good deed in this dirty world.

-Go away!

I see now why the mention of your name used to give people the creeps.

I'm gonna find a comfortable place, and I'm gonna rest there. And I'm gonna stay out of your affairs.

That's the best news I've had in years.

I'm gonna disappear myself, that's what I'm gonna do, Mr Sanctimonious.

Sink me if I raise a finger to help you in the future.

I'd rather spend a winter of eternities in limbo

than knock knees a tick longer with a nit like you.

There, I've said it.

The final event is about to begin.

I'm sorry. I had to do it.

The rotten pirate wants to make me as crooked as he is.

-Well, I'm standing on my principles.

-Where would we be without our principles?

Tiny Godolphin College has come back with the biggest bang you've seen.

Coach Walker, the man of the hour.

His inspired team of star performers has slashed its way up into a tie with Broxton.

Victory hangs in the balance, as we come to the final event.

What will happen, as Godolphin faces Broxton's mighty relay team?

Gentlemen, take your marks...

Set...

BANG!

Come on, Broxton! Run, you punk!

The first three runners are closely bunched. Now they pass the baton for the start of the second lap.

It's Broxton first, Tidewater second, State third.

And there's Godolphin labouring along in the rear.

Easy, Coach. You're tense again.

I shouldn't have yelled at him. How's a poor, dumb pirate meant to know what principles are?

-But I do. I've gotta shave this face every morning.

-I shave, too.

You gotta look at yourself. I gotta go with my principles.

Well, it's just about all over but the shouting.

Broxton is already half a lap ahead of Godolphin.

-Do we win something for fourth place?

-I'm afraid not.

See those old ladies up there?

I'm gonna let those little old ladies get tossed out on their ear.

How's that for a principle?

Beginning of the third lap, Broxton is first, followed by Tidewater...

Who says you can't win 'em all? Let's get out of this folk festival.

All they wanna do is squeeze money out of this county.

Just cos I could cut their water off, I don't have to get involved.

Well, don't just sit there now, you cold-hearted creep!

Yes, you. Get up! Do something!

You can hear me. What are you gonna do about them?

You gonna let them get pushed around because of my principles?

You started it. Finish it!

Come on! Move it!

(I'll strangle him...) Hurry!

Dewey of Broxton is in the lead. He passes the baton...

No, he didn't. He still has it.

The Broxton anchorman is running the last lap with...a hot dog?!

Tidewater makes their pass.

State makes their pass. I believe...yes...

The State anchorman seems to have a bottle of...

The Godolphin man approaches the passing zone...

Come on, Godolphin! Come on!

Perfect change! Larkin of Godolphin is the only one of the anchormen to have completed a clean pass.

He speeds past the others, who are going back to retrieve their batons.

We seem to have a slight hang-up in the passing zone.

Dewey of State has got hold of Broxton's baton.

No, it's the hot dog.

Carver of Broxton has got hold of two batons.

One is snatched by Tidewater!

Come on, Broxton. Stop fooling around!

Gudger Larkin has forged almost a third of a lap ahead of the field.

Catch him! Catch him!

CHEERING

Come on!

Larkin is running out of gas, and the others are hot on his heels.

Stop him!

Not that, you meathead!

Go!

Get up! Get up!

Get up, Gudger! Get up!

Get away from me, you old bats!

We won! We won!

45,000 smackeroos! We won!

Technically, we won. But actually...

-You did it!

-When you hear what I have to say...

Say what? The scoreboard says it all.

We thank you! We thank you! We thank you!

CHEERING

Oh, no rough stuff, old ladies.

-MUMBLES:

-He's very nice.

-Miss Stowecroft?

-Professor, we're so happy.

We'd like Mr Walker to have the honour of burning the mortgage.

He's done so much for us.

-Where is Mr Walker, who's done so much for us?

-In his room.

-Is anything wrong?

-Excuse me.

Why go now? The lads have triumphed. Your wench is happy. There's money for the old ladies.

-I fail to divine your reason for leaving.

-Don't strain your brain!

When the mortgage is burnt tonight,

there's a chance the curse might be lifted off my good self.

In which case, you may be able to settle down to a serene - if dull - life without me.

You think I can stay around after what happened out there tonight?

What am I supposed to do for an encore?

I've got to go somewhere I can make a fresh start. ..Honestly this time.

Very well. It be no concern of mine.

I just think it may be a little early to strike your colours.

-Strike?!

-KNOCKING

-..Come in!

-Hi.

-Where are you going?

-I'm leaving.

After taking my money, you're leaving us in the lurch?

-You got it back, didn't you?

-No! Silky welshed on the bet.

-He what?!

-Well, he just laughed and said he wasn't gonna pay off.

He's throwing the old ladies out in the morning.

Under normal conditions - if I can remember - I have a sweet nature.

-You know what I think?

-I suggest...

Shut up! ..Both of you.

Both of who?

I'm sick of people giving me advice.

I'm gonna find that happy hoodlum and wring that money out of his crooked neck!

-You can't in your condition.

-What condition?

-You're hallucinating.

You can't fight Silky and his men.

This be a job what takes innards.

Innards? You just sit here and contemplate yours!

-I've got a job to do.

-Permission to come with you?

No more of your big ideas. I'm calling the shots this time.

Proud to serve under you, sir.

-You mean that?

-My word, sir, is the ultimate warranty.

All right, shipmate. Let's go!

-Make ready to board, Captain.

-Thank ye, Admiral.

Cutlass. Might need that.

-What? ..Oh, it's on the bed.

-Oh, Steve...

You really have flipped.

To quarters!

# Come, cheer up, my lads 'Tis to glory we steer

# With heads bearing high We will banish all fear

# To honour we call You are free men, not slaves

# For who are so free as the sons of the waves?

# Hearts of oak are our ships Jolly tars are our men

# We'll always be ready Steady, boy, steady

# We'll fight and we'll conquer Again, again

# Hearts of oak are our ships... #

Steve?

# We'll always be ready... #

Wait! I'm not letting you go alone.

# Hearts of oak are our ships Jolly tars are our men

# We'll always be ready Steady, boy, steady

# We'll fight and we'll conquer Again and again. #

Once more! Sing out, don't mumble!

# Come, cheer up, my lads 'Tis to glory we steer

# With heads bearing high We will banish all fear... #

Steve, wait!

# You are free men, not slaves...

# For who are so free as the sons of the waves?

# Hearts of oak are our ships Jolly tars are our men

# We'll always be ready Steady, boy, steady

# We'll fight and we'll conquer Again and again. #

-Oh, you again.

-We'd like to see Mr Seymour.

I'm telling you once and for all. Mr Seymour don't wanna see...

Come on.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Now, what can I do for you?

We're here for the money you owe Professor Baker.

The money I owe her?! You gotta be kidding.

You're gonna pay every cent of that money, or I...

Or what, Mr Walker?

Or we might have to get tough.

Do I get some action or don't I?

Mr Walker, I have got to admire your style, I really do.

It's no use beating up someone who's a town hero. It's bad for my image.

Professor, here's the 900 you put down on the bet. Go ahead, take it.

We need the full amount you rightfully owe us.

Professor, let me level with you. If I pay you back all that loot,

you'll give it to the old ladies, who'll pay it back to the bank. And there goes my childhood dream -

running a class gambling joint like they have out west.

I'm sorry. No die. But I tell you, we have a very nice roulette wheel.

Forget the phoney bet. Why don't you go and win some money honestly?

I guarantee, sweetie, you'd sleep a lot better tonight.

-Come up with the full amount, or I'll take this place apart.

-Yeah?!

You have exactly 15 seconds before... What?

Take the money. Let the wench try her luck.

Let her what?!

Suppose she loses?

(Are you sure it will work?)

-OK. ..We'll take it.

-We most certainly will not take it!

-Mr Seymour's made a meritory suggestion.

-I don't get you.

-One minute you're a hero...

-We all make mistakes. Right, Mr Seymour?

It's smart to know when to crawfish.

I'll show you to a nice, quiet room for our more valued customers.

-But I don't know how to gamble.

-This is a good place to learn.

Harry, take care of my friends. OK, Mr Seymour.

Good luck, folks.

-900 worth, please.

-Yes, sir.

Don't worry. Just let me handle this.

I'll take the chips, please.

Yellows are a dollar.

The reds are five.

The blues are 25, the whites 100.

-Don't you have any 50 cent chips?

-Not in this room, lady.

-Make your bets, please.

-It's 28 minutes to midnight. Hurry.

Oh... Oh, 29. It's a good number.

-No, no, no. Bet 'em all.

-Are you trying to lose my 900 again?

No more bets, please.

The number is 31.

Oh, that's not my num...

-How nice!

-Make your bets, please.

Let the whole thing ride. ..No, no!

-Put it on one number.

-Would you let me do it my way?

Number 32. And we have...

And we have 36 on number 32.

I told you I had a talent for this. ..Pay me!

Evening, folks.

(What goes on here?) (You tell me.)

We're doing fine. Now, let's see.

-Let's put 'em all on...

-No!

-Let me.

-Have you played this before?

-No.

-Then leave my chips alone. I have a system.

-What system?!

-Woman's intuition.

-Put 'em all on one number.

Time's running out!

Spin the wheel, please.

Watch the board. Whatever happens, watch those chips on the board.

-Yee-ha!

-One more, and we're home.

Now we let it ride.

Don't fool with her. Go to the gaff. Got you.

-Would you spin the wheel, please?

-Yes, ma'am.

Everything rides on number 20.

What...?

Number 15. So very sorry, ma'am.

You know what I think? I think this is a stupid game.

-Something must have gone wrong.

-I'll say. We lost almost everything.

-Well, don't panic.

Relax. We've still got half the chips we won the first time.

Scurvy cheat.

Look, put 'em all down. Put all the chips down.

If we put all the chips on one number, and it comes up...

yeah, we're still in business.

-Make your bets, please.

-The question is...

What if it doesn't come up?

Don't worry.

-Everything is go. All on 11.

-That's all we have.

-No more bets, please.

Everything goes on 11.

Relax.

AAAGH!

-We won!

-Come on, we've got enough.

-Enough?! We're on a winning streak! Think of those dear old ladies.

We could buy them warm coats and cars and polo ponies.

We barely have time to make it. ..Pay up, we're in a big hurry!

-One more bet.

-Hey, fella!

Pay up.

36,000...37,000...38,000...

That's enough. We thank you. ..Let's go.

There's still more!

Not yet. I put down a new carpet.

-I hear you've done very well.

-Not bad.

May I see? ..Please.

My, my. That's very nice indeed.

You made out all right. You took Silky's advice.

-Take his advice again. Let me keep this for you.

-No!

It's a lot of bread to carry round. This is a dangerous neighbourhood.

OK, Professor. Give me the bag.

I've been very patient with both of you, and very civilised.

OK, boys.

Go over there, Jo Anne.

Make with the muscle.

Make your play!

Missed!

What's the matter with you? Get him!

And now for Mr Seymour.

Steve!

Get his guns! >

Get the gun!

Shoot him! Shoot him!

-I shot him.

-Don't point that over here.

All ashore what's going ashore!

Steve!

Quite nice, lad. Yeah!

-There's a boat. Come on.

-Proceed, lad. I'll tidy up a bit.

-Have fun.

Help!

Come on! Stop fooling around.

Get him any way you can.

Any idea who we're fighting? It ain't "who", it's "what".

Are we winning, Mr Seymour?

Who's that? It's me, stupid!

It's here, someplace. If you think it scares me...

Stop him!

Can't you give us more time?

I'm sorry. I'm always precise. According to this document,

unless you produce the required payment by midnight, which is just 11 seconds away...

eight...seven...

SOUND OF BOAT APPROACHING

Thank you, Mr Ainsworth. It's a pleasure to do business with you.

Mr Walker, this is the moment that most of us have been waiting for all our lives.

Will you burn the mortgage?

Thank you very much, but that honour's not for me. I...

BLACKBEARD SINGS

Here comes the fella you really should thank.

Old buddy, I'm glad to see you. ..Ladies, repeat after me - you, too -

Kree kruh...

ALL: Kree kruh...

-..vergo gebba...

-..vergo gebba...

-..kalto kree.

-..kalto kree.

CLAP OF THUNDER

-Allow me to present your real benefactor.

-Captain Blackbeard!

My respects, ma'am.

Good ladies, your welcome has touched me deeply.

Loath as I am to play the gallant,

I am bound to say that I have never beheld

a concourse of bare creatures which has stirred me more.

Thank ye for your esteem.

And yet you cannot know what it has been like for a person of my disposition,

to have had no-one to talk to for 200 cursed and dusty years.

Yet now my voice is heard once again.

I do thank you.

Yet stay!

It is not my wish, as a person as generous as my good self,

to seek to take the lion's share of the glory. No, no.

Oh, no.

This young...rooster, my good friend...

he played a modest part in your delivery from disaster.

-I'd only like...

-Not now, son!

Our 'eart is too full to hear more.

Now, if I might have that vile document.

Alditha.

The time is here.

I go now to a distant and - I hope - hospitable shore.

I beg of you,

take notice of this.

I, Edward Teach, captain,

affectionately known... as Blackbeard,

was not all bad.

Look after this boy. He needs help.

-Farewell, lad.

-Goodbye, Captain.

We will not meet again.

Beware all wenches.

# For he's a jolly good fellow He's a jolly good fellow

# He's a jolly good fellow

# And so say all of us. #

Share this one amongst you, me beauties.

You know something? I'm gonna miss the old scoundrel.

You know something?

I loved you even when I thought you were nuts.

Look!

WHISTLE

Captain! Proud to see you again, sir.

Where have you been? Where we often row?

No, you lazy swabs!

Stir yourselves!

Lively now...

or I'll carve your gizzard and fry it for me supper.

BLACKBEARD LAUGHS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd