Nativity!


Nativity!

Comedy starring Martin Freeman and Ashley Jensen. A teacher brags that his ex, a Hollywood producer, is thinking of turning his school's Nativity play into a film.


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Transcript


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# Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus... #

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'That's me, Paul Maddens, back in drama school.

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'Yes, I look like an idiot.

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'And there's my girlfriend, Jennifer.

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'With our best mate, Gordon Shakespeare.

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'We were the Three Amigos, with the world at our feet.'

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# So jump in bed and cover your head

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# Cos Santa Claus comes tonight. #

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'Jennifer and her family always loved Christmas.

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'And it was Jennifer who taught me to love it too.

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'Gordon said he loved Christmas, but the only thing he truly loved

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'was himself.'

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I'm completely above this. It's pointless. Elf.

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It's my last elf. I could be Father Christmas.

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Why am I not Father Christmas?

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I-I can't do this any more. It's ridiculous.

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-You're good.

-There's no control being an actor.

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You're doing what other people's ideas are.

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I'd rather be in control, I don't know, like directing, producing.

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-I think you should consider that.

-I will.

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That's why I'm going to train as a primary school teacher.

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LAUGHTER

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-BOTH: Shush!

-Give it three years.

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-If you're as bad as you are now, give up.

-At least try.

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You know, those who can't act, teach.

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BOTH: And those who can't teach, teach primary.

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-Who says that?

-Nobody. It's a truism.

-It's... People say...

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Five, six, seven, eight.

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# Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus... #

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'And so that's what I did. I became a teacher.

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'And Jennifer seemed really proud of me.

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'As I was of her when she went to Hollywood and became a producer.

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'As for Gordon,

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'he became a teacher at the best private school in the city.

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'His productions of the Nativity

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'won the five-star review in the local paper.'

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"Gordon Shakespeare's Three-Colour Trilogy

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"has redefined Nativity, with its rainbow of talent

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"that hangs over the city of Coventry

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"like a blessed beacon.

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"Five stars.

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"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! What a performance!

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"Paul Maddens' Nativity was abysmal.

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"Minus two stars."

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'And that's when I decided.

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'I hated Christmas.'

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MUSIC: "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" by the Jackson 5

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# Santa Claus is comin' to town

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# Santa Claus is comin' to town You'd better watch out

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# You'd better not cry... #

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Sit down! Olly, that's you in detention for the week.

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TJ, that's you in detention for the week.

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And, also, TJ, that's your parents coming into school tomorrow.

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Who's going to win the five-star review?

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ALL CHANT: Us, us, us! Us, us, us! Us, us, us!

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Us, us, us! Yeaaargh!

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Who can spell "Bethlehem"? Go!

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B-E-I-E...

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No, next.

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Olly.

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B-E-L-T...

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No! TJ.

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-B-E-L-E...

-No!

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Good morning, boys and girls.

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ALL: Good morning, Mrs Bevan.

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Here we are on the run-up to Christmas.

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-CHILDREN: Yes!

-Isn't that exciting?

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Now, last year, Mrs Spink did the Nativity play

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and, if you remember,

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she got upset and started shouting a lot and crying.

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And some of you, I remember, were crying with her.

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So, we are going to have to find a new person.

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This year, to make the best Nativity play that has ever, ever been...

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is Mr Maddens.

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-APPLAUSE

-Yes.

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# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

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# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy year

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# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

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# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy year

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# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

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# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year

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CRESCENDO: # A happy new year

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# A happy new year... #

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THEY SING IN THE ROUND

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You have the talent and training.

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-I think it's a wonderful thing.

-I barely have the training.

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I did three years of drama... SHE SIGHS

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-I wasn't very good.

-Yes, I know.

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-It...

-Now, let's move on.

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When are you going to start the casting?

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These children are literally useless.

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I am literally useless. Please don't make me do this.

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Think about Oakmoor. Think about how they always steal all the reviews.

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We agreed four years ago that after my disastrous attempt

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to direct the Nativity, I wouldn't do it again.

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Make this a good one.

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Make this a fabulous last Nativity play for me

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and then I retire and you won't have to put up with me any more.

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Oh, and you've got a classroom assistant starting today sometime.

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HE SIGHS Thank you.

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That will help with the wear and tear and stress.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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'Tell us clearly and concisely'

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what happened at Christmas, if you think you're so clever.

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Joseph got together with Mary

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and Mary went to Bethlehem to have a baby. Um...

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She has a baby, Jesus. A couple of years later, about 30 years later,

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-he dies on the cross and then...

-Go and sit down.

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LAUGHTER Go and sit down.

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That was almost blasphemy.

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'Here's to a five-star review'

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of the St Bernadette's Nativity, directed by Paul Maddens. Cheers.

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ALL: Cheers!

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LAUGHTER

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CHILDREN: # When Suzy was a child

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# A child Suzy was She said

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# "Miss, miss, I can't get this!

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# "I've got my knickers in a right old twist!"

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# When... #

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Who are you?

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-Mr Poppy.

-Yes, what are you doing here, Mr Poppy?

-Oh, I'm...

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I'm your teaching assistant.

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Remember, please keep it neat. Dan, are you having trouble there?

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How are you getting on, Frazer?

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You know you don't have to put your hand up to talk to me.

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I thought we were supposed to be doing a play.

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-We are.

-Everyone's just sitting around.

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This isn't the rehearsal for the play.

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This is a creative writing class. It's a different thing.

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Who wants to do a play?

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-ALL:

-Me!

-Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me!

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-Move the tables to one side.

-No! Keep the tables where you are.

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Alfie! Alfie, TJ, put the tables back.

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The next person to move their table

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will be in detention for the entire term.

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BELL RINGS, THEY SHOUT Sit down! Sit down!

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MR MADDENS DROWNED OUT BY SHOUTING

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-Mr Poppy! Come in, please. Come in now.

-I've been tigged.

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-Mr Poppy...

-I've been tigged.

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Come in now.

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Get inside, please.

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I've told you before. Get in.

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-CHILDREN CHANT:

-Poppy! Poppy!

-Go in!

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Children, please. Go away.

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Just carry on playing.

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-SHRIEKING

-Tig, tig, tig, tig!

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Mr Poppy!

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Mr Poppy!

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MAKES ZAPPING AND WHOOSHING NOISES

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I just wanted to check something.

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Can I say, I really enjoyed today, thank you very much.

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You're welcome. You haven't done this before, have you?

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Er, I've done stuff like it.

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Classroom assistant?

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-Nope.

-No. I just wanted to check that.

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Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow at 8.15?

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-D'you want to come for a sausage sizzler?

-Sorry?

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Young's, the newsagent, they do sausages with tomato ketchup

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in a roll with a sausage. They're only £1.50.

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D'you want to maybe share one and we could hang out at the park?

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I'll introduce you to Tom, Stinky Tom. He's funny.

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I'm a bit busy. I shan't be doing that tonight. Thank you.

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-See you later.

-HE GIGGLES

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MAKES ZAPPING NOISES

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# Can't you see it's gonna be

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# A merry, merry Christmas

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# A merry, merry Christmas for all the girls and boys?

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# Can't you see the Christmas tree... #

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HE HUMS A TUNE

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Cracker.

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HIGH PITCH: # In Nazareth. # Or...

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LOW PITCH: # In Nazareth. # I think low.

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Bark for high.

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BARKS

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Bark for low. WHINES

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Suit yourself.

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Cracker...

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Cracker.

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Cracker, come here.

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THUD, SHRIEKING

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Help me, Mr Maddens!

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This man is an idiot. He's an actual village idiot.

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If this was a village, he would be the idiot.

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He's not a classroom assistant, he's an absolute calamitous fool.

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But he'll be a big help with the play.

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The play that I don't care about?

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The play that brings the children away from learning to read and write?

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Great(!) Big whoopee(!) I've got an oaf helping my children to fail.

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-Thanks(!)

-This is getting personal.

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-Who's that?

-Who's what?

-What's that?

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-That's a photograph of me and Mr Poppy.

-Why?

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-He is my sister's son.

-Mm-hm.

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CHILDREN SHOUT

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Mr Poppy!

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Mr Poppy! Sit...

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Sit down.

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Sit down. Be quiet!

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Sit down, now!

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Why is Mr Maddens such a grumpy grumps?

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His girlfriend left him at Christmas time.

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-Where's his girlfriend now?

-In America.

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America! How cool is that?

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It is cool, but it's a long way away from here.

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Can we keep it down over there, please?

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-Bagsy drive the van!

-You can't drive, I've got the...

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-Nothing overrules the rules of bagsy.

-Mr Poppy.

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-I'm insured to drive the van.

-Auntie Pat said I could drive.

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-Can you drive?

-Yeah.

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-Come on, jump in.

-TOOTS HORN

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-What about Gabriel comes in on a death slide.

-What's a death slide?

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One of those things... Zoom! You just go down on two hands.

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I don't think health and safety for children

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-will involve the death slide in a Nativity play.

-OK.

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-What about no donkey?

-Please...

-What about a BMX with trick pegs?

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This is a Roman Catholic school.

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We're not going to replace a donkey with a trick-peg BMX.

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-I don't even know that that is!

-We can do it.

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-If we just work together.

-Sorry?

-Like Webber and Rice.

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Posh and Becks. Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee. You and me.

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-I think maybe this one.

-No!

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-The big one.

-It's not going to fit. And how are we going to carry it?

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I don't believe it!

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-Paul Maddens.

-Gordon Shakespeare.

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How are you doing, my man?

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-Great to see you.

-And you.

-Where've you been?

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Just five years at St Bernadette's.

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But you were going to be the star, the man.

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-Was I?

-Yeah!

-I never thought that.

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We all did and then it...all went.

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Now you're down the road. How is it down there at St B's?

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Goodness me, what a challenge.

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Slowly, that dreadful school is dragging itself up.

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How's Jennifer? Have you...?

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-Do you speak to her?

-Still quite good friends with her.

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-So, you still keep in touch with her?

-Yeah, yeah.

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-Even though she's Hollywood side.

-Goodness me. Didn't she do well?

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-She's now a producer.

-I know.

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If you think I'm talented, well, she's just gone to another level.

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-Way above me and-and... clearly, you.

-Clearly.

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In fact, if you want to see how the other half lives

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and see where it really happens in the right way,

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just come along to our Christmas bazaar. We're doing a showcase.

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-The talent.

-I'm sure.

-Amazing.

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-It's worth a look. Take it, come along.

-Thank you.

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-What are you doing?

-I'm doing the Nativity again.

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-Perhaps I can come and see yours.

-Yes. You won't be alone.

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Actually, Jennifer's coming.

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-She's coming over to the UK?

-Yeah, she going to come and see the, er...

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Why would she want to do that?

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Because she's going to bring most of her agency with her.

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Hollywood are coming to St Bernadette's?

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-Yes.

-To see your show?

-Yes.

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-To film your show?

-Yeah.

-Make a film out of it?

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Yeah.

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And a book.

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HE SINGS

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Come on, come on. Come close.

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This is... Come in, come in, gather round.

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I've got something to tell you.

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I'm not supposed to tell you

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but someone twisted my arm and I have to tell you.

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I've just been to get the Christmas tree and I heard Mr Maddens say

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a big Hollywood production film thing company are coming here

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to see our Nativity.

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But it's not a Nativity.

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It's Nativity, the musical, in 3-D, with 5-D sound

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-and we're all going to be famous.

-ALL SHOUT

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Sh! Sh! Sh! This is big stuff, all right?

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Zack, I mean, you could end up being Zac Efron.

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-Yes!

-And you.

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-You could be Shrek.

-LAUGHTER

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-And you, Bob.

-What?

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You're like a little Gollum, or something,

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like a little creature in something.

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We're going to be super-famous because Hollywood are coming!

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CHEERING

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HE GASPS, CRACKER WHINES

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Ow. Ow. Ow!

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Ooh!

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Aargh!

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With me now are the real stars of the film,

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the pupils of St Bernadette's School.

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You must be excited.

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-Very excited, aren't we, children?

-ALL: Yes!

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CRACKER WHINES Wait. Wait.

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We only heard this morning that Hollywood are coming

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to see our Nativity play. We can hardly believe it.

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Sit down, please. Sit, Cracker.

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I'm Mr Poppy and I am the co-director, co-writer, co-producer.

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TV MUTED

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'The true stars of a Hollywood blockbuster coming to town.'

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CHILDREN CHEER

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-Well done, Paul.

-PAUL WHISTLES

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We don't want to be late for PE.

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Well done, congratulations, Mr Maddens.

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We can... There you are. Goodness, at last.

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This is Darren from the local newspaper. Mr Maddens.

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-Nice to meet you.

-Come on, this way.

-Sorry?

-Yeah. They've been waiting.

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I've told Darren everything I know, but I don't know very much.

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It's wonderful you're back in touch with her.

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There you are. After you.

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CHEERING AND CHANTING

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Thank you. Good morning, boys and girls. Good morning, teachers.

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Good morning. Good morning, gentlemen of the press.

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And local news team.

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As you can see, children, it's very exciting.

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The whole of the town is buzzing with the news

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that St Bernadette's is going to get a visitor from Hollywood.

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Three cheers for Mr Maddens. Hip, hip.

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ALL: Hurray!

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-Hip, hip.

-Hurray!

-Hip, hip.

-Hurray!

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Mrs Bevan. Boys and girls...

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I'm sorry, cos there's obviously been some misunderstanding

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because yesterday I said, in front of Mr Poppy,

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that we were going to have a visit from Hollywood.

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And I'm only sorry, cos it's not happening right now!

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CHEERING

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I didn't tell you, I told Gordon Shakespeare.

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It wasn't even for your ears. D'you understand me?!

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-You were eavesdropping.

-What does it matter...?

-Be quiet!

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It's obviously a lie.

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-Yeah, but...

-Hollywood coming to the school? How?

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It's a lie! It's not true. I made it up.

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You have messed up, right?

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It's up to you to face your responsibility

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and go out there and tell them it's a lie.

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CHEERING

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Yeah!

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Call your girlfriend and get the Hollywood people across.

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One problem. She's not my girlfriend.

0:17:560:17:59

I don't know her number. I don't know where she is.

0:17:590:18:02

-I was making all of that up...

-Family! Has she got any family?

0:18:020:18:06

She's got parents, yes.

0:18:060:18:09

-Do you have any pets?

-I have a dog.

0:18:090:18:10

-Used to be hers.

-Brilliant!

0:18:100:18:13

Go round there and say,

0:18:130:18:14

"The dog's died, I need her number. I should tell her in person."

0:18:140:18:17

-The dog's died?

-Yeah.

-How's the dog died?

0:18:170:18:21

It blew up. The dog blew up.

0:18:210:18:23

They won't ask. You wouldn't ask. I wouldn't ask.

0:18:250:18:28

Ugh. They'd just think, "Oh," and get the number.

0:18:280:18:31

We need those five stars.

0:18:410:18:43

I need you all to be stars to get those stars.

0:18:430:18:46

We need something edgier, more dangerous, something darker.

0:18:460:18:49

Something the RSC do every year.

0:18:490:18:51

Tripping around and, bang, they hit you with something enormous.

0:18:510:18:55

That's what we should be doing. Something European, strange, exotic.

0:18:550:18:58

Something the Americans don't understand, but love!

0:18:580:19:01

That's it. I know, we could have Herod.

0:19:010:19:04

King... He's never done, is he?

0:19:040:19:06

Herod's never done.

0:19:060:19:07

Ever. That's it. Wonderful. We could have Herod.

0:19:070:19:10

He could be like an opera.

0:19:100:19:12

This dark shape brooding in the back, coming forward onto the stage.

0:19:120:19:17

Singing his heart out, his lungs.

0:19:170:19:19

Craving for their minds, and blood and body of children.

0:19:190:19:22

That's what we want. Who's going to be my Herod?

0:19:220:19:25

Thank you, lovely. Anything else you'd like to show us?

0:19:380:19:41

-SHE BURPS:

-A, B, C...

-That's good.

0:19:410:19:45

# You mean I've been dancing on the floor, darling

0:19:450:19:49

# And I feel like I need some more

0:19:490:19:52

# And I feel your body close to mine

0:19:520:19:56

# And I... # Oh.

0:19:560:19:59

# Cos I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

0:19:590:20:04

# Listen to Iron Maiden, baby

0:20:040:20:08

# With me... #

0:20:080:20:10

# I was going on a hillside

0:20:100:20:13

# On a hillside

0:20:130:20:16

# I was going on a hillside

0:20:160:20:18

# On a hillside... #

0:20:180:20:21

# Oh, Danny boy

0:20:280:20:32

# The pipes The pipes are calling... #

0:20:320:20:37

What would you like to play?

0:20:420:20:44

I know you won't let me, but I really want to be Joseph.

0:20:440:20:47

OK, in your own time.

0:20:470:20:49

-Careful.

-Wow.

0:20:520:20:53

HE GRUNTS

0:21:000:21:03

-You're through to the next round!

-There's no next round.

0:21:030:21:06

-The Hollywood round!

-There's no Hollywood round.

0:21:060:21:09

Please can I go to Hollywood? Please, please, please.

0:21:090:21:11

Hollywood, Bob, are going to love it.

0:21:110:21:14

Yeah! Ooh!

0:21:140:21:17

I can't do it. Can we take five for a moment, please? I've got to...

0:21:170:21:20

Excuse me. HE SIGHS

0:21:200:21:23

Keep going, it's good. It's really good.

0:21:260:21:29

Paul.

0:21:310:21:32

-Paul.

-Hello, Father.

-Paul!

0:21:320:21:34

-Just popped in to congratulate you. Well done.

-Thank you!

0:21:340:21:37

-Oh, it's great news.

-Thank you much.

0:21:370:21:40

-Well done.

-Father, could I ask your advice?

0:21:400:21:43

I've just had a query from one of the children in the auditions.

0:21:430:21:48

I'm not sure how to advise them. They're worried about...lying.

0:21:480:21:52

I think one of them's told a lie.

0:21:520:21:54

We all know there's such a thing as a little white lie

0:21:540:21:57

and there's a black Protestant lie, which is more serious.

0:21:570:22:01

I don't think so. A lie is a lie is a lie.

0:22:010:22:05

Technically?

0:22:050:22:06

-What d'you mean, "technically"?

-Well...

0:22:060:22:08

You know. "Is that a nice meal?" "Yes, Mrs Johnson, lovely."

0:22:080:22:11

Even though you're feeling sick, you don't want to hurt her feelings.

0:22:110:22:14

-It's still a lie, isn't it?

-I'm not going to be punished for it.

0:22:140:22:18

Please, God, I'm not going to be punished.

0:22:180:22:20

But if you picked the woman up on her bad cooking,

0:22:200:22:22

the next time, you might get a decent meal.

0:22:220:22:25

Ee-aw, ee-aw! Ee-aw, ee-aw!

0:22:350:22:39

-Mrs Bevan.

-Ah.

-Thank you so much.

0:22:420:22:44

-Can I have a quick word?

-My phone is ringing off the hook.

0:22:440:22:47

-Can I grab you for a minute?

-Of course.

0:22:470:22:50

Word has got out about the Hollywood connection

0:22:500:22:52

-and parents are ringing.

-I...

-They want to know why, how, when.

0:22:520:22:56

-I can save time with that.

-Wait. This is the cherry on the cake.

0:22:560:22:59

The Lord Mayor's office has rung and they want you

0:22:590:23:02

-to go to a big reception for Coventry ambassadors.

-No!

0:23:020:23:06

-Yes, they do!

-No!

0:23:060:23:08

There'll be drinks.

0:23:080:23:09

I don't think I can go.

0:23:090:23:11

-I've accepted on your behalf.

-Have you?

-Yes, you've got to come.

0:23:110:23:13

-PHONE RINGS

-I've got to go. Phone!

-Mrs Bevan.

0:23:130:23:16

-Mrs...

-That'll be somebody else. See you soon, bye-bye.

0:23:160:23:19

DOORBELL RINGS

0:23:310:23:33

-PAUL MUTTERS

-You.

0:23:350:23:37

I wonder if I might come in.

0:23:390:23:42

-I think you should come in.

-Thank you.

-Come on.

0:23:420:23:45

You'd better sit down, Paul.

0:23:540:23:56

I've heard of some things in my life, Paul,

0:23:560:23:58

but to take a dog, called Cracker, and then to put explosives in it

0:23:580:24:03

and blow it apart like a cracker,

0:24:030:24:05

I think common parlance is "the pits".

0:24:050:24:08

Wait till Jennifer hears.

0:24:080:24:10

She'll probably be sitting there in her heart-shaped pool,

0:24:100:24:14

sipping her Cristal champagne, which Harrison has bought her.

0:24:140:24:16

That's her new boyfriend, by the way.

0:24:160:24:20

New boyfriend, you understand that?

0:24:200:24:22

Not the old boyfriend who blows dogs to smithereens.

0:24:220:24:25

BICYCLE BELL DINGS Excuse me.

0:24:280:24:31

-What did she say?

-I haven't spoken to her yet.

0:24:350:24:37

-When are you going to phone her?

-I'll phone her

0:24:370:24:39

when I've got time and when I've discovered, realised,

0:24:390:24:42

worked out what I'm going to say.

0:24:420:24:43

Phone her. Why don't you want to phone her?

0:24:430:24:46

A, because I'm working. These are books that I'm marking.

0:24:460:24:48

I understand. You were going out with her for a long time.

0:24:480:24:53

You loved her, she loved you. It went wrong.

0:24:530:24:55

You feel butterfly feelings in your tummy when you go to call.

0:24:550:24:59

I understand that. You need to take a big daddy breath,

0:24:590:25:03

pick up the phone, dial the number and say hello.

0:25:030:25:05

I don't know what you think is going on.

0:25:050:25:08

It baffles me that you think I'm hung up over a woman

0:25:080:25:11

I've not seen for five years. I'm not.

0:25:110:25:13

I see a man who's scared and frightened and angry.

0:25:130:25:16

I'm frightened of you, because I've never met one of you before.

0:25:160:25:20

I'm terrified because I don't know what you or I am going to do.

0:25:200:25:23

I can help you mend your heart, Mr Maddens.

0:25:230:25:26

DOOR SLAMS

0:25:270:25:29

Open the door.

0:25:290:25:32

-Did you just slam that door?

-No.

-Close it properly, please.

0:25:320:25:35

LAUGHTER

0:25:420:25:44

# Maybe this Christmas will mean something more

0:25:440:25:49

# Maybe this year

0:25:490:25:52

# Love will appear

0:25:520:25:54

# And maybe forgiveness will ask us to call

0:25:540:26:00

# Someone we love

0:26:000:26:02

# Someone we've lost... #

0:26:020:26:04

CRACKER WHINES

0:26:040:26:06

# For reasons we can't quite recall

0:26:060:26:10

# Mm-mm-mmm Maybe this Christmas... #

0:26:100:26:13

Hello.

0:26:130:26:15

SIGHS WITH ANNOYANCE

0:26:150:26:18

# Maybe this Christmas... #

0:26:180:26:21

I was very impressed with the auditions.

0:26:270:26:29

Thank you very much.

0:26:290:26:31

I thought there was a wonderful array of talent on display.

0:26:310:26:33

So, you can all be proud of yourselves.

0:26:330:26:36

Because there is a wonderful array of talent on display,

0:26:360:26:38

I've no doubt you can handle this song, which is quite advanced. OK.

0:26:380:26:42

# Things are going well in Nazareth

0:26:420:26:46

# Our city is full of joy... #

0:26:460:26:49

Right, and that goes into... PIANO INTRO

0:26:490:26:53

Do you have to do that?

0:26:530:26:54

-So, fine.

-That sounds good, doesn't it?

0:26:540:26:56

Yes. So, right, so we've got...

0:26:560:26:59

-# Things are going well...

-Things are really cool

0:26:590:27:01

-# In Nazareth

-In Nazareth

0:27:010:27:04

# Our city is full of joy... # Shush.

0:27:040:27:06

BOTH SING: # Cos this is where girl meets boy

0:27:060:27:08

-# In Nazareth

-Our city is full of joy... #

0:27:080:27:12

-That's it.

-Try it.

-CHILDREN:

-# Things are really cool

0:27:120:27:16

# In Nazareth

0:27:160:27:19

# Our city is full of joy

0:27:190:27:23

# Cos this is where girl meets boy... #

0:27:230:27:26

Who thinks my song is better?

0:27:260:27:28

Anyone?

0:27:280:27:30

This is far more linear. It's very dirge-like.

0:27:300:27:33

Mine is actually...influenced more by Sondheim. But...

0:27:330:27:38

OK. Who prefers Mr Poppy's song?

0:27:380:27:41

Black. Imagine darkness. A black-out.

0:27:430:27:45

The audience thinks, "What's going to happen?"

0:27:450:27:48

And some of the children, maybe six or seven, come on here

0:27:480:27:52

on that, "de-de-de-de-de-de", toe-heel.

0:27:520:27:56

Over here, some more children. De-de-de. So you get this big cross.

0:27:560:27:59

At the back, as the cross opens up, we see the city of Nazareth.

0:27:590:28:04

The children turn round. They've got cut-outs of the city.

0:28:040:28:07

It comes together. There's windows and lights shining through

0:28:070:28:10

and people going, "Hello", through the little windows.

0:28:100:28:13

Mr Poppy. These children will never be able to do that.

0:28:130:28:17

-Yes, they will.

-We're useless.

0:28:170:28:19

-Everyone knows we're useless.

-You're not useless.

0:28:190:28:22

-That's what Mr Maddens calls us.

-No, I don't.

0:28:220:28:24

-GIRLS:

-Yes, you do.

-No, I don't.

0:28:240:28:27

-Shush.

-You told Mrs Bevan that we are.

0:28:270:28:30

-Who told you that?

-Sam, she heard you.

0:28:300:28:33

You did say we were useless.

0:28:330:28:35

I didn't mean useless. I didn't mean useless.

0:28:350:28:39

But they will never be able to do that.

0:28:390:28:42

Yeah, they will.

0:28:420:28:43

Anything we can do, Oakmoor can do ten times better.

0:28:430:28:47

Olly, Oakmoor, Shmoakmore.

0:28:470:28:49

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

0:28:490:28:52

The final scene of the play is a really, really important scene.

0:28:520:28:56

Do you know what happens at the end of the Nativity?

0:28:560:29:00

-Baby Jesus is born.

-Baby Jesus is born.

0:29:000:29:03

Right. Who fancies going on a little field trip

0:29:030:29:07

to actually see a real baby being born?

0:29:070:29:12

Here you are! I've been looking for you, my class. What are we all doing?

0:29:120:29:15

We're talking about going on a field trip to see a baby being born.

0:29:150:29:18

-What d'you mean?

-It'd be good to do a few field trips.

0:29:180:29:21

-Go to a farm and see animals.

-CHILDREN AGREE

0:29:210:29:24

It'd be cool for you to see the animals that come to the manger.

0:29:240:29:27

Thank you. Can we come in, please?

0:29:270:29:29

Enough silliness about babies being born. It's not going to happen.

0:29:290:29:32

How can they be convincing if they've not seen a baby being born?

0:29:320:29:36

It's called pretending. It's what every child

0:29:360:29:38

in every Nativity does every year.

0:29:380:29:40

You can't pretend something, unless you've experienced it.

0:29:400:29:43

I pretend to like you and I've yet to experience that.

0:29:430:29:45

Who wants to see a baby being born?

0:29:450:29:47

-ALL:

-Me!

0:29:470:29:50

SCREAMING

0:30:050:30:07

BABY CRIES

0:30:090:30:12

Piglets!

0:30:210:30:23

Hello, everybody, I'd like to welcome you

0:30:310:30:34

to our annual Christmas bazaar at Oakmoor School.

0:30:340:30:37

As you know, Christmas is a time for giving,

0:30:370:30:40

a time for charity

0:30:400:30:41

and valuing those people less fortunate than ourselves.

0:30:410:30:46

So, in that spirit, I'd like to welcome the students

0:30:460:30:49

from St Bernadette's School.

0:30:490:30:51

# Ding dong merrily on high

0:30:540:30:58

-# In heaven the bells are ringing

-Ding dong

0:30:580:31:01

-# Ding dong verily the sky

-Ooh ooh

0:31:010:31:05

# Is riven with angels singing... #

0:31:050:31:08

MULTIPLE HARMONIES

0:31:080:31:10

# Gloria

0:31:100:31:18

# Hosanna in excelsis. #

0:31:180:31:22

APPLAUSE

0:31:220:31:23

That was good.

0:31:230:31:25

-They look beautiful.

-I know. We're never going to beat them.

0:31:330:31:36

Ooh.

0:31:450:31:47

That one's good, isn't he?

0:31:490:31:50

HE SCOFFS

0:31:530:31:55

HE GIGGLES

0:31:580:32:01

APPLAUSE

0:32:030:32:04

How are we, are we all right? Are we ready to give it a go?

0:32:110:32:15

We know it a little bit.

0:32:150:32:18

Listen, this doesn't matter. It's not a test.

0:32:180:32:20

You don't have to get this right.

0:32:200:32:22

This is something we do cos we enjoy it. We enjoy singing.

0:32:220:32:25

Just to give us an idea of a Mary and Joseph.

0:32:250:32:27

OK? Mr Poppy, if you would, please.

0:32:270:32:30

Two, three.

0:32:300:32:32

# He's not my type

0:32:320:32:36

# She's not too bad

0:32:360:32:41

# Not the most gorgeous I've ever had

0:32:410:32:47

# And yet there's something

0:32:470:32:51

# Behind those eyes

0:32:510:32:55

# A fire that flickers... #

0:32:550:32:59

ALL SHOUT

0:32:590:33:01

CYMBALS CRASH

0:33:030:33:04

What's going on?

0:33:060:33:07

Olly and Alfie, did I see you fighting?

0:33:090:33:11

Why were you fighting?

0:33:140:33:16

He said I'd be rubbish at Joseph

0:33:160:33:18

and I'll never make it in the school play

0:33:180:33:20

and if I do, I would let the school down.

0:33:200:33:23

Alfie, who made you director?

0:33:230:33:26

No-one. But...but he hit me.

0:33:260:33:28

Alfie, it's not down to you who's going to be rubbish or good

0:33:280:33:33

or who'll let the school down.

0:33:330:33:35

You've just let the school down, and so have you, Olly.

0:33:350:33:38

You both want to try out for Joseph?

0:33:380:33:40

-Yes, Mr Maddens.

-Yeah? Neither of you are going to. Sit down.

0:33:400:33:44

I knew you'd never let me!

0:33:440:33:47

Jade. Do you want to try for Mary?

0:33:500:33:53

-Olly.

-Yes, Mr Maddens.

-Take your feet of the seat.

0:33:530:33:57

-Try for Joseph. Come on.

-Thank you, Mr Maddens.

0:34:020:34:06

# I'll grow to love her

0:34:070:34:09

# It might work out

0:34:090:34:13

# Too young to know

0:34:130:34:16

# What it's all about... #

0:34:160:34:20

This one I'm quite excited about, but it's a bit of a risk.

0:34:200:34:24

It could go either way. If you don't like it, you can just say.

0:34:240:34:27

Er... What...? Hang on. What's down here?

0:34:270:34:30

Oh, I think I've just found...

0:34:300:34:34

What's...? DOOR CLOSES

0:34:340:34:36

# Together, for ever

0:34:410:34:45

# And always home

0:34:450:34:49

-# Together... #

-Other hand.

0:34:490:34:51

# For ever and always

0:34:510:34:54

# Always home. #

0:34:540:34:59

And kiss.

0:34:590:35:00

-BOTH:

-And no.

-They don't have to kiss.

-Yes.

0:35:000:35:04

-No, Mr Poppy.

-What about a cuddle?

-Jade, Olly. Come here.

0:35:040:35:07

Sit here.

0:35:070:35:09

-That was excellent.

-Thank you.

0:35:110:35:13

-You've got a beautiful voice.

-Thank you.

0:35:130:35:15

And, Olly.

0:35:150:35:17

That was really good.

0:35:170:35:19

Thank you, Mr Maddens.

0:35:190:35:21

So, what was all that about earlier?

0:35:210:35:24

-Alfie got on my nerves.

-But do you see what I'm saying to you?

0:35:240:35:27

I don't care if someone's getting on your nerves, you don't fight.

0:35:270:35:30

People think you're a bad lad. Maybe you're not.

0:35:300:35:32

The more bad things you do,

0:35:320:35:34

people have you marked down as that.

0:35:340:35:37

You've got talent and you let yourself down by being silly.

0:35:370:35:41

There are only so many conversations I can have about that.

0:35:410:35:45

Only so many times I can tell you off. Do you understand?

0:35:450:35:47

You don't want to be told off by me. It's boring. I hate doing it.

0:35:470:35:51

It's really boring for me as well.

0:35:510:35:53

If you could show me more of what you've shown me there,

0:35:530:35:57

you could be great in this show.

0:35:570:35:59

-So, can I be Joseph, Mr Maddens?

-We don't know that yet.

0:35:590:36:03

Boy band, all right.

0:36:030:36:05

I'm thinking I can see my boy band here.

0:36:050:36:07

I'm thinking this is the boy band, but we've got to whittle it down.

0:36:070:36:11

-Without TJ.

-Buddy? No TJ.

0:36:110:36:13

-Why?

-I think he'd be a cool Gabriel.

-OK.

0:36:130:36:17

He's in my Gabriel pile.

0:36:170:36:19

How will we whittle it down?

0:36:190:36:21

We've got to lose two.

0:36:210:36:22

-Good dancer. Zack is a great dancer.

-He should definitely be in it.

0:36:220:36:26

-Matt?

-Spiky hair and a good dancer.

0:36:260:36:28

Right, spiky hair, he's a good dancer.

0:36:280:36:31

-Bobby!

-Good morning, Mr Poppy.

0:36:310:36:34

I'm feeling a bit upset because I haven't got the part in the show.

0:36:340:36:39

How do you know that? We're just working it out.

0:36:390:36:42

-Bob, what do you want to be?

-I want to be king.

-Bob...

0:36:420:36:45

# She's the brightest star I've ever seen... #

0:36:450:36:48

-Throw some shapes.

-INDISTINCT SINGING

0:36:480:36:51

# ..She shines down the light

0:36:570:36:59

# And she's gonna be my girl and me her boy... #

0:36:590:37:03

Is there room for a little one?

0:37:030:37:05

-Hm. Yeah.

-You're through.

0:37:050:37:07

Get in there, baby, get in.

0:37:070:37:10

Thank you, Bob.

0:37:100:37:12

Chin up.

0:37:120:37:13

Things are moving apace a little bit with this Hollywood business.

0:37:140:37:19

If they go down the road before they come here, it'll be disastrous.

0:37:190:37:22

It's the end of everything. We'll be washed up by the age of ten.

0:37:220:37:26

We need to find Jennifer Law,

0:37:260:37:28

who's this executive producer - she works in one of the major studios.

0:37:280:37:33

I need somebody to go online to find out where she is.

0:37:330:37:35

I want her contacted.

0:37:350:37:37

We need to find out exactly what they're doing in their show.

0:37:370:37:40

-ALL: Yes, Mr Shakespeare.

-We can see what their show's like,

0:37:400:37:44

see what they've got going on, then we can top it.

0:37:440:37:46

We beat them. If their show's big, we make ours bigger.

0:37:460:37:49

SHOUTING

0:37:490:37:52

We're going to do a warm-up

0:37:570:37:58

because it's very important before we do strenuous rehearsals or activity,

0:37:580:38:03

that we are warm our bodies and our minds up.

0:38:030:38:06

Minds are equally important to warm up as our bodies.

0:38:060:38:09

-Hi, Mr Poppy.

-Hi.

0:38:090:38:10

We're going to do a gentle warm-up. You can join us, if you like.

0:38:100:38:13

I've got some music. I prepared a warm-up.

0:38:130:38:16

A little dance. We're going to limber up.

0:38:160:38:18

Copy what I do. And you, Mr Maddens.

0:38:180:38:21

MUSIC: "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5

0:38:210:38:24

-Ho, ho, ho.

-CHILDREN COPY

0:38:280:38:31

# A-ha-ha-ha-ha

0:38:400:38:44

# Let me tell you now

0:38:440:38:47

# Ooh-hoo

0:38:470:38:49

# When I had you to myself I didn't want you around

0:38:510:38:55

# Those pretty faces always made you stand out in a crowd

0:38:550:39:01

# But someone picked you from the bunch

0:39:010:39:03

# One glance was all it took

0:39:030:39:05

# Now it's much too late for me to take a second look

0:39:050:39:09

# Oh, baby, give me one more chance

0:39:090:39:14

# Show you that I love you

0:39:140:39:15

# But now since I see you in his arms

0:39:150:39:18

-# I want you back

-Yes, I do now

0:39:180:39:21

-# I want you back... #

-Spies!

0:39:210:39:23

-CHILDREN SHOUT

-Mr Maddens, it's the freak.

0:39:230:39:26

Cry God for Harry, England and St George!

0:39:280:39:35

-Come on.

-SHOUTING

0:39:350:39:38

-SHE LAUGHS

-Break time.

0:39:470:39:49

I wanted to say, you know, if you needed help

0:39:490:39:51

with the singing or dancing, or anything like that.

0:39:510:39:53

SHOUTING CONTINUES

0:39:530:39:56

-Step, step, change...

-Excuse me.

-Step, step...

0:40:000:40:03

Gordon!

0:40:090:40:10

Gordon!

0:40:120:40:14

-I don't know what's happening.

-What are you doing?

0:40:140:40:17

-Why've you come to the school?

-We came on a field trip and...

0:40:170:40:20

-Excuse me. Excuse me. No...

-Mr Maddens!

0:40:210:40:25

Bundle!

0:40:280:40:30

Some of the children have described being encouraged to have a rumble.

0:40:340:40:38

What on earth does that mean?

0:40:380:40:40

It was more of a bundle than a rumble.

0:40:400:40:42

Bundle or rumble, I do not care.

0:40:420:40:44

You've dragged this school and your trousers through the mire.

0:40:440:40:49

If it wasn't for this Hollywood thing,

0:40:490:40:51

you'd be off the premises without a job and without a reference.

0:40:510:40:53

Get out, back your classrooms.

0:40:530:40:55

-Tuck your shirt in.

-I'm really sorry.

0:40:550:40:59

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, Thank you for coming.

0:40:590:41:01

I know a lot of you have heard about the Hollywood connection,

0:41:010:41:05

so I'll hand you over to Mr Maddens. Paul.

0:41:050:41:07

There was talk about relocating.

0:41:070:41:10

Is this... Is there any truth in this?

0:41:100:41:13

I don't want any of us to run away with ourselves

0:41:130:41:17

and dream about Hollywood mansions or swimming pools,

0:41:170:41:20

when we know that is plainly a fantasy.

0:41:200:41:22

Yeah, but if the people from Hollywood see something brilliant

0:41:220:41:25

in your child, they'll probably take them over there.

0:41:250:41:29

I'm worried about the religious aspect being lost.

0:41:290:41:31

It will be absolutely, 100%,

0:41:310:41:34

in line with the teaching of the Church, a normal Nativity.

0:41:340:41:37

Yeah, but also we've got the death slide.

0:41:370:41:39

How much are you paying?

0:41:390:41:41

There will be no financial benefit, as far as I know.

0:41:410:41:43

If you're making a film, there's got to be a fee.

0:41:430:41:46

Nobody does a film for nothing.

0:41:460:41:47

It's Hollywood, they've got the money.

0:41:470:41:50

And he's really good. He deserves to be paid.

0:41:500:41:53

About £1 million. I think, I've heard.

0:41:530:41:56

-We're going to have to get agents.

-Alfie can't have contacts.

0:41:560:41:59

Just don't cast him, then.

0:41:590:42:01

-My daughter is very beautiful.

-Will my daughter Becky be...?

0:42:010:42:04

-My daughter is going to be...

-She's a Mary, isn't she?

0:42:040:42:07

EVERYONE SPEAKS AT ONCE

0:42:070:42:09

OK... Hi, Jennifer, this is, er, Paul. Paul Maddens.

0:42:090:42:13

Er... Just wondering if you can possibly give me a call back.

0:42:130:42:16

I have something to ask you, if that's all right.

0:42:160:42:19

If you could give me a ri... Love you.

0:42:190:42:21

What are you...?! Don't say that.

0:42:210:42:25

Why did you tell me to say that?

0:42:250:42:27

-It's a nice ending.

-It's not a nice ending.

0:42:270:42:29

It's a totally inappropriate ending. What are you talking about?

0:42:290:42:33

-Why are you were my house?!

-I'm just trying to help, Mr Maddens.

0:42:330:42:36

It's not helping!

0:42:360:42:38

I haven't told her I loved her have a five years...

0:42:380:42:41

Get out. What are you doing?

0:42:410:42:43

He's doing it for the best,

0:42:430:42:44

because if it does happen, it'll be brilliant.

0:42:440:42:46

-It's not happening.

-But it might happen.

-How?

0:42:460:42:50

-Well...

-How's it going to happen?

0:42:500:42:52

-Maybe you could kind of help out.

-Desmond.

0:42:520:42:56

Are you going to be on break duty, today? Can you...?

0:42:560:42:59

-I was chatting with Miss Rye.

-You shouldn't be.

0:42:590:43:02

Can you get out, please?

0:43:020:43:03

-Paul.

-Yeah?

0:43:030:43:05

Why did you lie?

0:43:060:43:08

-About what?

-About America,

0:43:080:43:10

about Hollywood all being a complete load of rubbish.

0:43:100:43:14

-You've lied about all this.

-You DID lie.

0:43:140:43:16

I'm in shock. I'm in shock.

0:43:160:43:18

I'm really sorry. I was looking for the right time.

0:43:180:43:20

-What are you going to do?

-I don't know.

0:43:200:43:23

-You've got to do something.

-Maybe you've got an idea.

0:43:230:43:25

You've got to get Jennifer to return your calls

0:43:250:43:29

-or speak to you, whatever.

-Yes.

0:43:290:43:31

We're going to film what we've done.

0:43:310:43:33

-We'll film some of the rehearsals.

-A best bits.

0:43:330:43:35

-A best bit of these children?

-Yes.

-Four seconds. There are no best bits.

0:43:350:43:39

-Oh!

-Come on, Paul!

0:43:390:43:41

OK, just get something. Get what you can.

0:43:410:43:44

The best thing you can. On the DVD.

0:43:440:43:46

Film it for the DVD. Send the DVD.

0:43:460:43:48

Stop saying "DVD".

0:43:480:43:49

It's got to be worth a try.

0:43:490:43:51

Well, I'm not doing the DVD.

0:43:510:43:54

# She's the brightest star I've ever seen

0:43:540:43:58

# It's like we're living in some kind of dream

0:43:580:44:03

# Why do I feel love with her with hope and joy

0:44:030:44:06

# Cos she's shining down the light

0:44:060:44:08

# And she's gonna be my girl and me her boy... #

0:44:080:44:13

VOICES FADE TO SILENT

0:44:130:44:15

THEY CHEER

0:44:260:44:28

OK. Er...

0:44:290:44:31

OK, nice and loud. In here, in here. Go!

0:44:430:44:46

HE SOBS

0:44:500:44:52

'Hello, you don't know me. I've heard a lot about you

0:44:580:45:02

'and the children have got something they want to tell you.

0:45:020:45:05

'Mr Maddens is having a hard time without you.

0:45:050:45:07

'Mr Maddens loves you so much, so can you please come back?

0:45:070:45:13

'Please, please come back and mend Mr Maddens' heart.

0:45:130:45:16

'Mr Maddens is heartbroken without you.

0:45:160:45:19

'Without you, Mr Maddens is lost.

0:45:210:45:23

'Mr Maddens is miserable without you, Jennifer.

0:45:230:45:27

'So, please, please come.

0:45:270:45:31

'Erm, and come and see the show while you're here.

0:45:310:45:34

'And everything will be good.'

0:45:340:45:35

The Lord Mayor welcomes Mrs Bevan and Mr Maddens!

0:45:490:45:53

APPLAUSE

0:45:530:45:55

-Paul Maddens.

-Nice to meet you.

0:45:590:46:02

-How d'you do?

-Nice to see you again.

-Lovely to be here.

0:46:020:46:05

You look marvellous, by the way.

0:46:050:46:06

This old thing comes out at Christmas time.

0:46:060:46:09

You look like a Christmas cracker!

0:46:090:46:10

Can I take you for a drink, Mrs Bevan?

0:46:120:46:15

I'm sure you'd like another glass of champagne.

0:46:150:46:17

I'd love another one. It's very nice, very cooling.

0:46:170:46:19

-Patrick Burns.

-Hello.

0:46:190:46:21

-Coventry Evening Telegraph.

-I know who you are, yeah.

0:46:210:46:24

-Excited?

-About?

0:46:240:46:27

Hollywood?

0:46:270:46:29

Oh, yeah, that old thing.

0:46:290:46:30

I've got contacts there. Had them for years.

0:46:300:46:33

Pulling in a favour.

0:46:330:46:34

Yeah. From a young lady. Jennifer, isn't it?

0:46:340:46:37

-Er, yeah.

-Yeah...

0:46:370:46:39

Sorry, I know how this works. No. You're a reporter and it's...

0:46:390:46:42

No, I'm off duty. I'm off duty.

0:46:420:46:45

-I hear there's no such thing.

-Please.

0:46:450:46:48

Gordon was saying how you had a few problems in the beginning

0:46:480:46:52

and then he said to her, "You go, girl. You go to LA."

0:46:520:46:55

I just wondered your take on it all.

0:46:550:46:59

-I'm sensing a lot of anger.

-Are you? Why would that be, I wonder?

0:47:010:47:06

Could it be because you are the man who, five years ago,

0:47:060:47:09

roundly trashed my one honest attempt at putting on a Nativity.

0:47:090:47:14

It doesn't ring a bell. Sure it was me?

0:47:140:47:16

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" was the headline. Now, with a chance...

0:47:160:47:19

Oh, come on. It was appalling.

0:47:190:47:21

So, you do remember it?

0:47:210:47:22

I did that review to make you tough.

0:47:220:47:25

Look at you now. You're mixing with Hollywood.

0:47:250:47:28

You're no-one if you haven't had a bad review off Patrick Burns.

0:47:280:47:31

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:47:330:47:35

can I thank you for your attendance and your support

0:47:350:47:37

because I would like to publicly congratulate

0:47:370:47:40

Mr Maddens and St Bernadette's School

0:47:400:47:43

for the incredible opportunity they are affording our wonderful city.

0:47:430:47:47

APPLAUSE

0:47:470:47:48

In honour of this occasion, and much against the council's wishes,

0:47:480:47:52

the mayor's parlour has overruled the council

0:47:520:47:55

and we would like to offer the cathedral ruins

0:47:550:47:58

as a venue for your show.

0:47:580:48:00

HE LAUGHS

0:48:000:48:02

APPLAUSE

0:48:020:48:03

Mr Maddens.

0:48:090:48:11

This is brilliant. This is going to blow your mind.

0:48:110:48:15

Prepare to be amazed.

0:48:150:48:17

We're doing it at the cathedral.

0:48:170:48:20

What?

0:48:200:48:22

-We're doing the show in the ruins of the cathedral.

-Yes!

0:48:220:48:27

The cathedral's got a spire.

0:48:270:48:29

-It's got a really high spire.

-You don't seem to understand

0:48:290:48:32

that the bigger this gets...

0:48:320:48:34

It's now constituting fraud.

0:48:340:48:36

He's getting corporate sponsors involved to give money

0:48:360:48:39

-and to give their services for free.

-We need money.

0:48:390:48:42

-We need lights. We need a little smoke machine.

-Please.

0:48:420:48:44

We need someone to help do the hanging. I can't.

0:48:440:48:48

-I tried with the rope, but it keeps snapping...

-Mr Poppy.

0:48:480:48:50

Stop it, please. Seriously.

0:48:500:48:51

-What are you doing?

-I think I'm having a heart...

0:48:510:48:54

-Mr Maddens.

-Don't touch me.

0:48:540:48:56

-You're upset, aren't you?

-HIGH-PITCHED: Oh!

0:48:560:48:59

I can give you a cuddle. Cuddles make it all go away.

0:48:590:49:03

I promise. Feel this.

0:49:030:49:06

(You're hurting me.)

0:49:060:49:09

We can do this, Mr Maddens, can't we?

0:49:090:49:11

"Yes, we can."

0:49:110:49:13

-No, we can't.

-We can, we can. Look...

0:49:130:49:16

I'll leave you here, all right?

0:49:160:49:18

You can listen to the music and just chill out and relax.

0:49:180:49:21

I'll take care of the children.

0:49:210:49:22

MUSIC PLAYS ON LAPTOP

0:49:220:49:25

Believe, Mr Maddens, believe.

0:49:250:49:27

# I've had a little make-over and I'm all dressed up tonight... #

0:49:270:49:31

Out to here, out to here.

0:49:310:49:32

# A cheeky drink A naughty wink... #

0:49:320:49:37

Yes.

0:49:370:49:39

-# Step up and put your shades on

-Cos I'm about to shine... #

0:49:390:49:42

This is the cathedral. Fill the cathedral.

0:49:420:49:46

-Good.

-# Cos there's no star like mine! #

0:49:460:49:48

Yes.

0:49:480:49:50

ALL: # Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... #

0:49:500:49:52

See, that's... Can you cut the music, please? Cut the music.

0:49:520:49:56

That has got to come in absolutely after the...

0:49:560:49:58

# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh. #

0:49:580:50:01

Bosh! # Sparkle and shine! #

0:50:010:50:03

It has to have that ferocity to it.

0:50:030:50:06

It's a cathedral we're trying to fill, not just this hall.

0:50:060:50:09

You're not hitting me when I'm here.

0:50:090:50:11

OK, let's go again, please.

0:50:110:50:12

# I've had a little make-over and I'm all dressed up tonight

0:50:120:50:18

# A cheeky drink A naughty wink

0:50:180:50:21

# We'll loosen up, all right

0:50:210:50:24

# Step up and put your shades on

0:50:240:50:27

# Cos I'm about to shine

0:50:270:50:31

# My blinding light will throw you

0:50:310:50:33

# Cos there's no starlight like mine

0:50:330:50:36

# Sparkle and shine

0:50:360:50:39

# Planets gather round

0:50:390:50:42

# Sparkle and shine

0:50:420:50:45

# Let's all make a dazzling sound

0:50:450:50:48

# Here's something you won't believe

0:50:480:50:51

# It's the first time ever It's Christmas Eve. #

0:50:510:50:55

HE HOLDS NOTE

0:50:550:50:57

Very good. Very good. Well done.

0:51:020:51:04

BELL RINGS All right. Be back in an hour. Go.

0:51:040:51:07

CHILDREN SHOUT Mr Poppy! Mr...

0:51:070:51:11

Right, carefully, please. Carefully, Lucy.

0:51:110:51:14

Hello, Sadie. That was great. Well done.

0:51:140:51:19

-I don't really want to do it.

-You don't want to do what?

0:51:190:51:23

The singing and dancing.

0:51:230:51:25

Come here. Sit down. Sit down.

0:51:250:51:26

HE CLEARS THROAT

0:51:300:51:32

Sadie, that was absolutely brilliant.

0:51:320:51:34

Everyone's going to laugh at me.

0:51:340:51:36

No, everyone's going to laugh with you.

0:51:360:51:38

Anyone who tells you that anyone's going to laugh at you must be a fool,

0:51:380:51:42

because you were great up there -

0:51:420:51:44

you sparkled and you shone like the brightest star.

0:51:440:51:46

You were really good.

0:51:460:51:48

Please don't drop out now.

0:51:480:51:50

HE SIGHS Truth be known, I need you.

0:51:510:51:55

I need all of you in it, OK?

0:51:550:51:57

If you don't do it for yourself, please, look at me -

0:51:570:52:01

I'm a man literally on the edge of something, I don't know what.

0:52:010:52:05

But if you go now, it will really, genuinely..

0:52:050:52:10

hurt me.

0:52:100:52:12

You were great up there.

0:52:130:52:15

-Do I have to wear a stupid costume?

-Yes.

0:52:150:52:18

It's the Nativity. You can't look cool.

0:52:180:52:21

Go on, have your lunch.

0:52:210:52:23

Oh, you're joking!

0:52:320:52:34

"Dear Father Christmas,

0:52:540:52:57

"I'm so scared of not doing the play properly,

0:52:570:52:59

"so please could you make my Christmas wish come true

0:52:590:53:03

"and make Hollywood love us in the play?

0:53:030:53:05

"PS, make me be Mary. Love, Saffron."

0:53:050:53:08

"Dear Santa, please send me loads of stuff and surprises.

0:53:110:53:15

"I want to be happy and see more of my mum,

0:53:150:53:17

"cos she never spends any time with me.

0:53:170:53:19

"And please let me be Joseph.

0:53:190:53:21

"She's never seen me do a school play before.

0:53:210:53:24

"Thank you very much, from Olly."

0:53:240:53:26

"Dear Santa, please, please let my Christmas wish come true.

0:53:310:53:35

"I'd really love for everyone in the world to be happy, even Mr Maddens.

0:53:350:53:40

"Please help Mr Maddens get his girlfriend back

0:53:400:53:42

"when she comes to see us.

0:53:420:53:44

"Thank you very much, from Charlotte."

0:53:440:53:46

"Dear Father Christmas,

0:53:530:53:55

"please make my teacher happy, cos he seems really sad.

0:53:550:53:59

"He doesn't even like Christmas.

0:53:590:54:01

"So, please help him find his smile. Love from Lizzie."

0:54:010:54:05

HE GULPS

0:54:050:54:07

Right. Who wants to go on a death slide?

0:54:170:54:21

-ALL:

-Me!

-Yes!

0:54:210:54:24

-What's going on?

-I'm going.

0:54:250:54:27

-What d'you mean, you're going?

-I'm going to Hollywood.

-You...

0:54:270:54:30

-Are you being serious?

-Yes, I am.

0:54:300:54:32

-Ah!

-HE LAUGHS

0:54:320:54:35

I want to kiss you. And me too.

0:54:350:54:37

No, no. You've got to be here, look after the play.

0:54:370:54:40

-You're my wingman.

-Yes, Mr Maddens!

0:54:400:54:44

-Send me a postcard, man.

-I will do.

-OK. Do-do-doo!

0:54:440:54:48

-TO TUNE OF "HOLIDAYS ARE COMING":

-# Hollywood is coming! #

0:54:480:54:53

CHIMES, FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

0:54:530:54:57

-Mr Maddens.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Mr Maddens.

0:54:570:55:00

-Hello.

-Room for two little ones?

0:55:000:55:02

-Sorry?

-William and Saffron are coming with you.

0:55:020:55:05

-They can't come on the plane with me.

-I've got consent forms.

0:55:050:55:08

-I've got the passports.

-Passports?

-Tickets.

0:55:080:55:10

Miss Rye and I thought it would be a good idea if they come with you,

0:55:100:55:14

cos they can sing and dance and do the opening numbers and Nazareth.

0:55:140:55:17

The gate's closing. She's got allergies.

0:55:170:55:19

-What are your allergies?

-Ponies, horses, donkeys and cats.

0:55:190:55:23

-I don't have time for this.

-It's a good idea.

0:55:230:55:26

-Desmond, this is all very sweet.

-They can help you.

0:55:260:55:28

I'm not taking two children on an 11-hour flight.

0:55:280:55:31

MUSIC: "Sleigh Ride" by The Ronettes

0:55:400:55:43

-Mr Maddens! Look what we've found!

-What is it?

0:55:570:56:00

So, we're in the right area.

0:56:000:56:01

We're closer to her than we were at the beach. Good.

0:56:010:56:05

We should be getting very near Beverly Hills now.

0:56:050:56:08

Saffron!

0:56:080:56:10

If we come across anyone, let me do the talking. You keep schtum, OK?

0:56:120:56:16

Now, just follow me.

0:56:160:56:18

-Excuse me.

-Hi.

-Hey, you guys have an appointment?

0:56:180:56:20

Er, yes, that's right. I have an appointment with Jennifer Law.

0:56:200:56:23

-My name is Paul Maddens.

-Can I see some ID, please?

0:56:230:56:27

-Sorry?

-I need to see a piece of ID.

0:56:270:56:30

I'm so sorry. Totally my fault. I haven't got it with me.

0:56:300:56:35

You're not on the list. I wouldn't let you on if you had it.

0:56:350:56:38

Is it possible to check somewhere else?

0:56:380:56:41

I've come all the way with these two.

0:56:410:56:43

-I'll check.

-If you would.

0:56:430:56:45

Follow me.

0:56:470:56:48

-Come on!

-Hey!

0:56:480:56:50

-This way!

-Hey! Come here! Hey, stop! Come here! Stop!

0:56:500:56:54

Quick.

0:56:540:56:55

Come on.

0:56:550:56:57

OK. OK. Come here. Hold on tight. Hold on tight.

0:57:010:57:04

Stop!

0:57:040:57:06

Stop! Wait!

0:57:070:57:10

-Whoa!

-Whoa! Whoa!

0:57:120:57:16

Gabriel! Thomas, it's not your bit.

0:57:160:57:19

What d'you mean, it's not my bit?

0:57:190:57:21

BLEATING

0:57:230:57:25

SQUEALING

0:57:310:57:34

DONKEY BRAYS

0:57:420:57:44

Aw!

0:57:490:57:51

-TRUMP!

-Oh!

0:57:510:57:53

..That's a David Lowenstein? OK, putting you through.

0:57:580:58:02

Good morning, Independent United Pictures. Hi, Angie!

0:58:020:58:06

I know!

0:58:060:58:08

Putting you through.

0:58:090:58:11

-How can I help you, sir?

-My name is Paul Maddens...

0:58:110:58:14

Good afternoon, Independent United Pictures. Uh-huh.

0:58:140:58:16

That's for Sean Michelle? Putting you through.

0:58:160:58:19

-I'm sorry, sir.

-Hi. Paul Maddens to see Jennifer Law at ten o'clock.

0:58:190:58:23

-Can I take you name again, sir?

-Paul Maddens. M-A-D-D-E-N-S.

0:58:230:58:28

-P-A-U-L-L?

-P-A-U-L. No, just one L.

-One L.

0:58:280:58:33

I don't have that appointment, sir.

0:58:330:58:34

-Sorry, is...

-If you'd move away from the desk.

0:58:340:58:37

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

0:58:370:58:38

-Tony, we have children in reception!

-So, what's the problem?

0:58:380:58:41

-Tony, we have children in reception!

-What's the problem?

-Kevin...

0:58:410:58:44

I'm so sorry, Jennifer, there's this crazy guy.

0:58:440:58:47

-Yeah, it's fine.

-He's been ask...

-It's OK. I...

0:58:470:58:50

You look amazing.

0:58:560:58:57

Why are you here?

0:58:570:58:59

You know why I'm here. You didn't give me much of a choice.

0:58:590:59:02

You didn't return my calls.

0:59:020:59:04

-Paul.

-What?

-I don't understand what I'm meant to do.

0:59:040:59:06

Look, you shouldn't be involved in it, but, somehow,

0:59:060:59:10

we've got to a situation where the whole town thinks

0:59:100:59:13

that Hollywood are coming.

0:59:130:59:15

Why do feel like I'm suddenly ten years ago?

0:59:150:59:17

I tried to maintain contact with you. You were having none of it.

0:59:170:59:20

-You did not want anything...

-Excuse me.

0:59:200:59:22

-Sorry. Jen, this is that letter of agreement.

-OK.

0:59:220:59:26

-You can take time off.

-I can't take time off.

0:59:260:59:29

-I know you're busy.

-I don't understand why...

0:59:290:59:32

An executive producer can't just take time off?

0:59:320:59:34

I'm not an executive producer.

0:59:340:59:36

What do you mean? What are you, then?

0:59:360:59:39

I file, I answer phone calls. I speak to people,

0:59:390:59:42

I put people in meetings,

0:59:420:59:43

-I take people out of meetings.

-A secretary?

0:59:430:59:45

-Yep.

-You can't be a secretary. You can't be a secretary.

0:59:450:59:49

She does a heck of a lot more than that, pal,

0:59:490:59:53

-and you should respect her time.

-I am pretty much a secretary.

0:59:530:59:55

Yeah. Yeah.

0:59:550:59:57

I'm sorry. Look, I know this is mad.

0:59:571:00:00

I know this is absolutely insane and it's my fault.

1:00:001:00:03

I'm asking you for one more favour and then I'll be out of your life.

1:00:031:00:07

-I can't do anything.

-If you can't, who can? Harrison, are you up for it?

1:00:071:00:12

I believe the answer is no. Sorry you came all this way...

1:00:121:00:15

-A trip to England?

-I'm sorry you have come over here.

1:00:151:00:19

-Is there somebody around called Harvey or Bob?

-No.

1:00:191:00:21

-WHO could help me out, then?

-If you got an appointment...

1:00:211:00:25

I am not leaving here with these two without something to take home, OK?

1:00:251:00:30

-Kevin, get security.

-Security, please!

1:00:311:00:34

This way, this way.

1:00:341:00:36

Have you heard of the Nativity?

1:00:361:00:40

HE SIGHS You have, I can tell you have.

1:00:401:00:43

So, we're doing our Nativity show.

1:00:431:00:45

-Mary meets Joseph. They...

-I know the story.

-OK.

1:00:451:00:49

All I need to tell you is it's being performed by 24 children.

1:00:491:00:52

It happens every year in every school around the world

1:00:521:00:55

where Christians are.

1:00:551:00:57

So, what's so special about yours?

1:00:571:01:00

A good question. Here's an even better answer.

1:01:001:01:02

One, two, three, four.

1:01:021:01:06

BOTH: # Things are really cool... # (Sing it out.)

1:01:061:01:08

# In Nazareth

1:01:081:01:10

# Our city is full of joy

1:01:101:01:14

# Cos this is where girl meets boy... #

1:01:141:01:18

Yes, that's a Sean Burridge. Putting you through.

1:01:181:01:22

Last chance.

1:01:221:01:23

Bye, Paul. Thanks for dropping by.

1:01:261:01:28

-Oh, shut up, Harrison!

-Hey.

1:01:281:01:30

They're not coming, are they?

1:01:371:01:39

No, they're not.

1:01:421:01:44

-Is it our fault?

-No.

1:01:441:01:47

No, it's not your fault. Come on.

1:01:471:01:50

Although, you could have sung a bit better.

1:01:521:01:55

They're expecting Hollywood to come and see their show.

1:02:001:02:05

-Mr Parker, we can make that happen.

-I've got 50 states.

1:02:051:02:10

I've got hundreds of towns in each one of those states

1:02:101:02:15

that are putting on a Nativity play I can go see.

1:02:151:02:18

I don't need to travel 6,000 miles.

1:02:181:02:20

Mr Parker, I need you to do this for me.

1:02:201:02:25

I have worked here for three years, and...

1:02:251:02:28

every morning, at ten to eight, I take your coat, I hang it up.

1:02:281:02:33

At nine o'clock, I get you your coffee, I put it on your table.

1:02:331:02:38

I take away the letters. I put them into the outbox.

1:02:381:02:41

I take the other letters, put them in the inbox. I file, fax, smile.

1:02:411:02:45

Jennifer...

1:02:451:02:47

..that's what you're paid to do.

1:02:481:02:50

I know.

1:02:521:02:53

-Yeah.

-Yes.

1:02:551:02:57

Hello.

1:03:021:03:03

Well?

1:03:031:03:04

No joy.

1:03:061:03:08

To take two children out of here without my permission,

1:03:121:03:14

I can't believe you did it.

1:03:141:03:16

Mrs Bevan, I have consent.

1:03:161:03:17

-Thank goodness.

-Well...

-Thank goodness for that.

1:03:171:03:21

It's the first thing Mr Poppy gave me.

1:03:211:03:23

Otherwise, it's abduction and the school would close. You realise?

1:03:231:03:26

Of course. I wouldn't have got on the plane without these.

1:03:261:03:28

You realise the school can get in severe trouble over this?

1:03:281:03:31

What is this?

1:03:361:03:37

I don't know what that is.

1:03:391:03:40

What is that? Did you do that?

1:03:401:03:43

Desmond, I trusted you.

1:03:451:03:47

I trusted you with children. Small lives.

1:03:471:03:50

I thought it was something you could rise to,

1:03:501:03:52

but you have been a disaster.

1:03:521:03:53

I'm sorry, Auntie Pat.

1:03:531:03:55

-Did you know about this?!

-I didn't know about that.

1:03:551:03:58

But I did know about...

1:03:581:03:59

-No.

-What did you kn...?

1:03:591:04:01

-What did you know? Shush!

-We've got to tell her.

-Speak to me, Miss Rye.

1:04:011:04:04

-What did you know?

-Um...

1:04:041:04:06

Actually, Hollywood, they're not coming.

1:04:061:04:09

Um, Paul, Mr Maddens, panicked, I think, and...

1:04:091:04:15

lied.

1:04:151:04:16

Why did I ever, ever think this school

1:04:161:04:19

would ever have anything good happen to it and out of the ordinary

1:04:191:04:24

and successful and-and helpful to me and the children?

1:04:241:04:29

Why did I ever think that would happen?

1:04:291:04:31

-Mrs Bevan...

-You'd better start looking for another job.

1:04:311:04:34

-Sorry?

-And you. You're out.

1:04:341:04:37

You're irresponsible. You're not focused.

1:04:401:04:43

You are, I think, possibly educationally subnormal.

1:04:431:04:46

You have an attitude of wanting to be a friend to the children,

1:04:461:04:49

rather than a professional adult,

1:04:491:04:52

which, by the way, any fool can do that.

1:04:521:04:54

Any fool can say, "Hands up, who wants to meet a pig?

1:04:541:04:57

"Hands up, who wants to go to a hospital?"

1:04:571:04:59

Any fool can do that and it transpires you are that any fool.

1:04:591:05:03

I really had high hopes for you.

1:05:031:05:05

For five minutes, I thought you were something else. No.

1:05:051:05:07

It transpires you are actually just an idiot.

1:05:071:05:11

SHE SOBS

1:05:111:05:13

As you know, I've been away for a couple of days.

1:05:161:05:19

And in that time, something has changed regarding our Nativity.

1:05:191:05:25

I'm afraid I let you believe that Hollywood were coming

1:05:251:05:28

and they're not coming.

1:05:281:05:30

But worse than that,

1:05:301:05:32

we are not being allowed to do the show in the first place.

1:05:321:05:35

There will be no Nativity.

1:05:351:05:36

Can't we do the show, anyway? We don't care about Hollywood.

1:05:361:05:41

Unfortunately not. Mrs Bevan is not going to let us to the show.

1:05:411:05:44

-Er...

-Please, please, please, Mr Maddens.

1:05:441:05:46

Can we still do the Nativity? Please!

1:05:461:05:50

I told a lie.

1:05:501:05:51

And I let that lie grow and multiply

1:05:511:05:55

and turn into lots of other little lies.

1:05:551:05:58

And, as I've told you all, probably, on may occasions,

1:05:581:06:01

a lie always, always causes more problems than it solves,

1:06:011:06:07

which is why I shan't be here next term.

1:06:071:06:09

This will be my last term here. I won't be coming back.

1:06:101:06:13

And worse than losing my job,

1:06:131:06:16

my position, my security, much worse than that,

1:06:161:06:19

is that I'm not going to see any of you again.

1:06:191:06:21

And...

1:06:211:06:23

..that's a very hurtful thing for me.

1:06:261:06:29

Come on. Back to your class, please.

1:06:291:06:32

# Have yourself a merry little Christmas

1:06:321:06:39

# Let your heart be light

1:06:411:06:46

# Next year, all our troubles

1:06:491:06:54

# Will be out of sight... #

1:06:541:06:58

-There's a wee joke in it, no?

-Is there?

-Yeah.

1:06:591:07:02

Yeah! Ah!

1:07:021:07:04

Just that little bit.

1:07:071:07:08

-It's good.

-It's great, isn't it?

1:07:081:07:12

-Jennifer, how are you?

-I'm all right.

1:07:121:07:15

INDISTINCT SPEECH

1:07:151:07:17

Who are you and where do you come from?

1:07:331:07:36

ALL: We are the three kings and we've come to find the baby Jesus.

1:07:361:07:43

He is the new King of the Jews.

1:07:431:07:45

Kill every boy child in this land.

1:07:451:07:48

-Where's my baby, where's my baby?

-Where's my baby, where's my baby?

1:07:481:07:51

Where's my baby? Where's my baby?

1:07:511:07:53

-Where's my baby, where's my baby?

-Where's my baby, where's my baby?

1:07:531:07:57

ALL SHOUT

1:07:571:07:59

SCREAMING THROUGHOUT

1:08:021:08:05

I am the king!

1:08:161:08:18

APPLAUSE

1:08:181:08:20

# So have yourself

1:08:231:08:26

# A merry little...

1:08:261:08:30

# ..Christmas now. #

1:08:301:08:35

Nouns are used to name a person, animal, place, thing or idea.

1:08:351:08:42

We've got a football, pineapple, iguana, a guitar.

1:08:421:08:45

Nouns can be replaced by these - pronouns.

1:08:451:08:48

They can replace nouns or other pronouns.

1:08:481:08:52

So, "ours", "she", "one", "he", "it", "this", "you", "none".

1:08:521:08:55

-Are you all right, Cleo?

-No, not very.

1:08:571:09:00

What's the problem?

1:09:001:09:01

Nothing.

1:09:011:09:03

TJ?

1:09:031:09:04

-I miss Mr Poppy.

-Everyone misses Mr Poppy.

1:09:041:09:08

We'd be doing the play if Mr Poppy was still here.

1:09:081:09:12

ALL CHANT: Poppy! Poppy! Poppy!

1:09:301:09:32

What am I doing?

1:09:351:09:36

Meet me in the hall in ten minutes. We're doing the play.

1:09:361:09:40

-ALL:

-Yes!

-ALL CHEER

1:09:401:09:43

All right?

1:09:521:09:54

BLEATING

1:09:541:09:55

Desmond...I've come to apologise.

1:09:571:10:00

I said some things to you that were unforgivable

1:10:001:10:03

and that weren't true and that were mean.

1:10:031:10:05

I want you to do the play with me,

1:10:051:10:08

because I told the children we're going to do it

1:10:081:10:09

and I can't do it without you.

1:10:091:10:11

I messed everything up.

1:10:131:10:16

I know I put it on you. I know I did.

1:10:161:10:18

You were right all along.

1:10:181:10:20

And for a dundas, you've been right on the money.

1:10:201:10:24

You said I was scared, I denied it. You were absolutely right.

1:10:241:10:27

You said I was still in love with Jennifer.

1:10:271:10:29

I denied it and you were absolutely right.

1:10:291:10:32

Well, let's do it. What are you waiting for? We'd better get going.

1:10:391:10:43

-Come on.

-You're going to do it?

-Yeah, let's do it.

1:10:431:10:45

-Let's do it.

-Right, thank you. You're not going to regret it.

1:10:451:10:48

Oh, my gosh!

1:10:571:10:58

It looks amazing!

1:10:581:11:00

You'll remember where to press the button. Nazareth...

1:11:001:11:03

-I'm nervous.

-Don't be nervous.

1:11:031:11:05

-You're a Nazarene.

-Mr Maddens?

1:11:051:11:06

-Yes?

-I don't want to be a building. I want to get a proper part.

1:11:061:11:10

You're playing part of Nazareth in a song called Nazareth.

1:11:101:11:14

-Please, everyone, just calm down!

-Fingers crossed.

1:11:141:11:17

I've forgotten it. I don't want to do it.

1:11:171:11:19

I'm nervous and I don't want to do it.

1:11:191:11:21

It's you and me. We'll beat them all.

1:11:211:11:24

-Come on, Mr Maddens.

-Hey...

-We've got to get going.

1:11:271:11:29

We haven't got much time. This is fine.

1:11:291:11:32

It's what everyone in Nazareth wore, even the women.

1:11:321:11:34

Not on the women. No.

1:11:341:11:36

Buddy, it's exciting. Look. The audience are filling up.

1:11:391:11:45

OK. Everybody listen up, all right?

1:11:451:11:48

Big bit of advice, and I had to learn this the hard way.

1:11:481:11:50

Can everybody make sure you've done a poo and a wee

1:11:501:11:53

because there won't be a chance when we get the show going.

1:11:531:11:56

You can use my caravan. Just get in there, do a poo and a wee.

1:11:561:11:59

Come back. There's no show. There will be no show.

1:11:591:12:02

I've just had a call telling me this was happening.

1:12:021:12:04

-I cannot believe... What is all this?

-Mrs Bevan.

1:12:041:12:08

I cancelled this performance. I cancelled the show. You are sacked.

1:12:081:12:12

-You know you are sacked.

-I'm already sacked.

1:12:121:12:14

-What else can you do?

-Desmond!

1:12:141:12:16

Thank you. Thank you. This is absolutely marvellous.

1:12:161:12:19

-Well done, young man.

-Thank you.

1:12:191:12:21

Break a leg, kids.

1:12:211:12:23

-Break a leg.

-I need to have the microphone.

-I'm going to do it.

1:12:231:12:28

Can you watch on that wing. APPLAUSE

1:12:281:12:29

Come on, this'll be sensational. The town will be so proud of you.

1:12:291:12:33

Ladies and gentlemen, mums and dads.

1:12:391:12:41

I just want to thank you for the effort

1:12:411:12:43

and the time you've put into the show.

1:12:431:12:45

Ladies and gentlemen, if I had to single any one person out

1:12:451:12:49

for their effort, time, their diligence and their enthusiasm,

1:12:491:12:53

it would have to be Mrs B, better known to you as Mrs Bevan.

1:12:531:12:58

Come and take a bow. Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs Bevan.

1:12:581:13:02

-Come on.

-CHEERING

1:13:021:13:04

Erm, hello. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

1:13:091:13:12

It's very kind of you.

1:13:121:13:14

This will be my last Nativity play, so it's a bit special. Really.

1:13:141:13:19

We're used to the school hall. We don't have all this beauty around,

1:13:191:13:23

normally, for the play.

1:13:231:13:25

And the mums and dads who've been before to see our Nativity play

1:13:251:13:28

know that things can go a little bit wrong with the little ones.

1:13:281:13:31

LAUGHTER

1:13:311:13:33

Don't ex... I was going to say don't expect too much.

1:13:331:13:35

But, er, I shouldn't have said that. Smack.

1:13:351:13:40

Nobody ever expects enough of the children at St Bernadette's.

1:13:401:13:44

Everyone expects them to go down the drain.

1:13:441:13:48

And I'm going to change that.

1:13:481:13:51

That's what I said 17 years ago,

1:13:531:13:55

and tonight, it stands a chance of coming true.

1:13:551:13:58

I've not seen it. I don't know what's going to happen.

1:13:581:14:03

All I know is that each and every one of these children is amazing

1:14:031:14:07

-and wonderful and a little pocket of stardust.

-Hear, hear.

1:14:071:14:12

-I hope you enjoy it.

-APPLAUSE

1:14:151:14:17

# Things are really cool in Nazareth

1:14:261:14:32

# Our city is full of joy

1:14:321:14:36

# Cos this is where girl meets boy

1:14:361:14:40

# Everything is cool in Nazareth

1:14:411:14:46

# They're going hand in hand

1:14:461:14:50

# This is no one-night stand

1:14:501:14:54

# A wedding is being planned here in Nazareth... #

1:14:541:15:00

THEY MOUTH

1:15:031:15:05

# Nazareth, a place to live

1:15:061:15:10

# Always willing to forgive

1:15:101:15:13

# Nazareth, our big heart swells

1:15:131:15:17

# We can hear those wedding bells

1:15:171:15:22

# Wedding bells

1:15:221:15:25

# Feeling in a fix in Nazareth

1:15:251:15:31

# Rules are to be obeyed

1:15:311:15:34

# Arrangements are being made

1:15:341:15:38

# Got to get your kicks in Nazareth

1:15:391:15:45

# Here we go, on our way

1:15:471:15:49

# Start of a brand-new day

1:15:491:15:52

# Still you cannot be swayed

1:15:521:15:56

# Good old Nazareth. #

1:15:561:15:59

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

1:15:591:16:02

# He's not my type

1:16:111:16:13

# She's not too bad

1:16:131:16:17

# Not the most gorgeous I've ever had

1:16:171:16:24

# I'll grow to love her

1:16:241:16:28

# It might work out

1:16:281:16:31

# Too young to know what it's all about

1:16:311:16:38

# And yet there's something behind those eyes

1:16:381:16:45

# A fire that flickers but never lies

1:16:451:16:52

# Could I love him?

1:16:521:16:55

# Could she love me?

1:16:551:16:59

# You can't rush into what it's meant to be

1:16:591:17:06

ALL: # One look

1:17:101:17:13

# And we're for ever

1:17:131:17:16

# One look and it's like we've always known

1:17:161:17:23

# One look

1:17:231:17:26

# We're boxing clever

1:17:261:17:30

# Together for ever

1:17:301:17:34

# And always hope

1:17:341:17:37

# Together for ever

1:17:371:17:41

# And always, always hope. #

1:17:411:17:47

APPLAUSE

1:17:491:17:51

OK, mate. It's your big moment.

1:18:001:18:03

Don't look down.

1:18:061:18:08

THUNDERCLAP

1:18:081:18:10

SHE SCREAMS

1:18:121:18:14

# OK, people, hear the news I've got something to yell about

1:18:331:18:37

# OK, people, forget the blues

1:18:371:18:40

# Here's something to feel swell about

1:18:401:18:42

-# Good news

-Click your fingers

1:18:421:18:43

-# Good news

-Stamp your feet

1:18:431:18:46

-# Good news

-Always lingers

1:18:461:18:48

-# Good news

-Feel the beat

1:18:481:18:50

-# Good news

-Wakey, wakey

1:18:501:18:53

-# Good news

-Shake your ass

1:18:531:18:55

-# Good news

-Shaky, shaky

1:18:551:18:56

-# Good news

-Listen, mass

1:18:561:18:59

# Good news

1:18:591:19:00

# Hey, little sister Hear the word

1:19:081:19:10

# There ain't no need for a big stuffed bird

1:19:121:19:14

# Time to holler, time to dance

1:19:171:19:19

# Whoo!

1:19:191:19:21

# Y'all gonna need some bigger pants

1:19:211:19:23

# Good news, good news

1:19:231:19:26

-# Yeah!

-Good news

1:19:261:19:32

# Good news

1:19:321:19:33

# You'd better go when you get the idea... #

1:19:371:19:39

-Mr Maddens?

-Yes, darling?

-I have a tummy ache.

1:19:421:19:46

Oh, Sam, I need you to go on. Have you tried taking deep breaths?

1:19:461:19:49

-Yeah.

-Tried taking your hat off for once?

-Mm-hm.

1:19:491:19:52

-OK. Alfie, you're going to have to do it.

-What?

1:19:521:19:55

-Can you go on in Sam's place, please?

-No way.

-Go in there, get dressed.

1:19:551:19:59

SONG FINALE

1:20:061:20:09

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

1:20:091:20:11

Mary and Joseph were told they had to travel to Bethlehem

1:20:191:20:23

to be counted,

1:20:231:20:25

-because of the nasty, mean King Herod.

-Stop!

1:20:251:20:29

-Mary had to...

-You, shut up. Stop! Stop, everyone.

1:20:291:20:33

That'll do. OK, that's the end. Stop.

1:20:331:20:36

-I'll have that, please. Give me that.

-Hey!

1:20:361:20:38

My name's Gordon Shakespeare. Just telling you now.

1:20:381:20:41

You thought you were here to see Hollywood. It's why you're here.

1:20:411:20:45

It falls upon me to tell you that no-one was coming from Hollywood.

1:20:451:20:48

Nobody's coming and nobody will.

1:20:481:20:51

That man is a sham.

1:20:511:20:54

-(What?)

-As if Hollywood would come to Coventry.

1:20:541:20:57

No. Look at him.

1:20:571:20:58

He's a dishonest person.

1:21:001:21:04

He lied.

1:21:041:21:06

(What is it?)

1:21:101:21:12

It's a star.

1:21:151:21:17

HELICOPTER ROTOR BLADES WHIRR

1:21:191:21:21

-MR POPPY:

-It's Hollywood!

1:21:241:21:28

CHEERING

1:21:281:21:30

Ladies and gentlemen!

1:21:321:21:35

May I please introduce to you

1:21:351:21:39

the Star of Bethlehem and her sparkly, sparkly!

1:21:391:21:46

# Ooh, ooh

1:21:481:21:50

# Ooh, ooh ooh-ooh

1:21:501:21:54

# Aah!

1:21:541:21:56

# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... #

1:21:561:22:00

OK, everybody. Clap your hands.

1:22:001:22:02

I'm a superstar and I'm coming out tonight.

1:22:021:22:05

# I've had a little make-over and I'm all dressed up tonight

1:22:051:22:10

# A cheeky drink A naughty wink

1:22:101:22:14

# We'll loosen up, all right

1:22:141:22:16

# Stand back and put your shades on

1:22:161:22:19

# Cos I'm about to shine

1:22:191:22:22

# My blinding light will throw you

1:22:221:22:25

# Cos there's no starlight like mine

1:22:251:22:28

# Ooh-ooh ooh, ooh-ooh ooh

1:22:281:22:31

# Sparkle and shine

1:22:311:22:34

# Planets gather round

1:22:341:22:37

# Sparkle and shine

1:22:371:22:40

# Let's all make a dazzling sound

1:22:401:22:43

# Here's something you won't believe

1:22:431:22:46

# It's the first time ever Christmas Eve

1:22:461:22:51

# I've got my light within me and it's coming out for you

1:22:541:23:00

# I'm dizzy with self-confidence Hope you can feel it too

1:23:001:23:06

-# I'm lighting up the skies tonight

-So come on, join the party

1:23:061:23:12

-SINGS GRUDGINGLY:

-# Make the moment last all night

1:23:121:23:15

# And keep the skies all starry... #

1:23:151:23:18

Olly! Your mum's here. I just saw her. She's right at the back.

1:23:181:23:22

When you do your rap, look for her and give it your everything.

1:23:221:23:26

-Mr Maddens, the donkey's freaking out.

-Sorry?

1:23:261:23:28

-I gave it chocolate and it's feeling icky.

-Chocolate?

1:23:281:23:31

Can you check on it. I'm doing the narration.

1:23:311:23:34

# ..Dazzling sound

1:23:341:23:35

# Here's something you won't believe

1:23:351:23:38

# It's the first time ever Christmas Eve. #

1:23:381:23:42

APPLAUSE

1:23:421:23:45

The four kings saw the beautiful shining star

1:24:041:24:07

rising from the East Side.

1:24:071:24:12

-They thought she looked...

-HE ROLLS "R"

1:24:121:24:15

So they decided to follow her.

1:24:151:24:17

SLOW R&B TUNE PLAYS

1:24:171:24:19

-One time.

-ECHOES

1:24:301:24:32

Come on, come on, come on.

1:24:321:24:36

-Two times.

-# Shining down the light

-Come on, come on

1:24:361:24:41

# Peace to the star

1:24:411:24:43

# Shining down the light

1:24:431:24:45

# What a moment when I saw her first

1:24:481:24:51

# She stole my heart So it's about to burst

1:24:511:24:56

# I'm the guy she twinkles for

1:24:561:24:58

# Je t'adore Cos she's blinding me with love

1:24:581:25:03

# She's my saviour from above

1:25:031:25:06

# She's the brightest star I've ever seen

1:25:061:25:09

# Brightest star

1:25:091:25:10

# It's like we're living in some kind of dream

1:25:101:25:13

# It's like some kind of dream

1:25:131:25:15

# Why do I feel overcome with hope and joy?

1:25:151:25:19

# Cos she's shining down her light

1:25:191:25:22

# And she's gonna be my girl and me her boy

1:25:221:25:26

# I'm feeling like I've got to follow her

1:25:261:25:31

# With frankincense and lots of gold and myrrh... #

1:25:311:25:33

Excuse me.

1:25:331:25:35

# She is gonna lead the way to Christmas Day

1:25:351:25:40

# Hallelujah, feeling good Time to leave this neighbourhood... #

1:25:401:25:45

-Hello, Mr Maddens.

-SHE LAUGHS

1:25:551:25:57

You weren't coming.

1:25:571:25:59

I know.

1:26:011:26:02

(RAPS) She's the shining star from above

1:26:201:26:22

She sprinkles and she twinkles and I wanna be her love

1:26:221:26:25

I wanna squeeze her, please her Share my pizza

1:26:251:26:27

(DEEP VOICE) Extra spicy

1:26:271:26:29

She makes me hotter than the colour Fizzy deep inside

1:26:291:26:31

I wish I was a sleigh I'd take her for a ride

1:26:311:26:35

She's tiny, she's shiny She sparkles in the night

1:26:351:26:36

I love her and I need her to guide me through the night...word!

1:26:361:26:39

ECHOES

1:26:391:26:41

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:26:411:26:43

Eventually, Mary and Jo-Jo

1:26:471:26:49

found an innkeeper what was nicerer. He said...

1:26:491:26:53

You can use my stable. At least it's dry.

1:26:531:26:55

-Yeah, man. Huh!

-LAUGHTER

1:26:551:26:58

They asked the animals if they could nestle down to pop out Baby Jesus.

1:26:581:27:03

BRAYING

1:27:031:27:06

The donkey said, "Neigh."

1:27:061:27:07

But the other animals said it was all right.

1:27:071:27:10

And everyone what was anyone gathered around to witness...

1:27:101:27:14

SCREAMING

1:27:141:27:18

Buddy, what happened?

1:27:211:27:22

Well, I put that plug in and it all exploded.

1:27:221:27:27

Don't worry, I'll take care of it. You've got to get on stage.

1:27:271:27:31

I'm going to give you all a candle. We've got these candles.

1:27:311:27:34

As soon as you've got one, make your way out onto the stage.

1:27:341:27:38

Everyone, this is Jennifer, who've you've heard about from Hollywood.

1:27:381:27:42

-ALL: Hello.

-Hi.

-Get a candle. Right?

1:27:421:27:44

# Sometimes life is not all it can be

1:28:181:28:23

# And here we are

1:28:231:28:26

# Wondering just how far this road can lead

1:28:281:28:34

# And here we are

1:28:341:28:37

# And from the darkness shines a bright burning star

1:28:401:28:46

# And who we are is changing within our hearts

1:28:461:28:52

-# One night

-One night

1:28:531:28:56

# One moment And everything's changed

1:28:561:29:02

# One night, one moment

1:29:021:29:05

# One night, one moment

1:29:051:29:07

# One night, one moment

1:29:071:29:09

# And everything is changed

1:29:091:29:12

# One night, one moment

1:29:121:29:15

# Tonight is so pure and so special

1:29:171:29:21

# We'll never feel lonely again

1:29:211:29:27

# Cos we are all standing together

1:29:271:29:33

# As friends

1:29:331:29:37

# Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ooh

1:29:371:29:40

# And everything's changing for ever

1:29:401:29:45

# One night, one moment... #

1:29:451:29:47

HE HOLDS NOTE

1:29:471:29:49

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

1:29:571:29:59

-UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

-Yes!

1:30:021:30:05

Come on, everybody, clap your hands.

1:30:061:30:08

We're going to tear the roof off this place. Let's rock'n'roll!

1:30:121:30:15

Rock, rock. Wig out!

1:30:151:30:18

Yes!

1:30:181:30:20

OK, best back-flips ever!

1:30:231:30:26

SQUEALING

1:30:261:30:27

Olly.

1:30:291:30:30

GASPING

1:30:341:30:36

Yeah!

1:30:361:30:38

Edward.

1:30:381:30:39

TRUMP NOISES

1:30:391:30:42

TJ, throw some shapes.

1:30:421:30:45

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

1:30:501:30:52

-SHE BELCHES

-Yeah!

1:30:521:30:54

OK, we've got special guests from Oakmoor. Thomas, joined by Frankie.

1:30:541:31:01

Yeah!

1:31:081:31:10

Mr Maddens,

1:31:101:31:12

come up, come up.

1:31:121:31:14

Bring Jennifer with you. Come on.

1:31:151:31:18

Miss Rye!

1:31:341:31:36

I love you.

1:31:361:31:38

Critic man, come up and boogie!

1:31:391:31:42

It doesn't matter how many stars you give it.

1:31:421:31:46

Gordon. Come up.

1:31:561:31:59

-No, Gordon.

-Come on.

-Gordon. Gordon. Come here.

1:31:591:32:02

# Sparkle and shine Planets gather round

1:32:151:32:20

# Sparkle and shine Let's all make a dazzling sound

1:32:201:32:25

# Here's something you won't believe

1:32:251:32:27

# It's the first time ever Christmas

1:32:271:32:30

# Sparkle and shine Planets gather round

1:32:301:32:36

# Sparkle and shine

1:32:361:32:37

# Let's all make a dazzling sound

1:32:371:32:41

# Here's something you won't believe

1:32:411:32:44

# It's the first time ever Christmas Eve. #

1:32:441:32:49

'And, from that night, me and Jennifer

1:32:491:32:51

'fell in love with each other, and Christmas, all over again.

1:32:511:32:56

'And as far our Nativities, they just kept getting better.'

1:32:561:33:00

Don't mind being a shepherd or a stage manager.

1:33:021:33:06

I always wanted to be Mary in the whole of my life.

1:33:101:33:15

I would like to be Angel Gabriel.

1:33:151:33:17

HE GURGLES

1:33:171:33:19

I wouldn't mind being a donkey.

1:33:211:33:23

TRUMPING NOISES

1:33:231:33:25

Actually, I'd quite like to be the star.

1:33:251:33:27

-SHE BURPS

-Bah humbug!

1:33:271:33:29

You might not like this, but you might do.

1:33:381:33:41

It's dancing.

1:33:411:33:43

# One night

1:33:431:33:45

# One moment and everything's changed

1:33:451:33:49

# One night, one moment

1:33:491:33:52

# One night, one moment

1:33:521:33:55

# One night, one moment

1:33:551:33:58

# And everything's changed

1:33:581:34:01

# One night, one moment

1:34:011:34:03

# Tonight is so pure and so special

1:34:051:34:10

# We'll never feel lonely again

1:34:101:34:16

# Cos we are standing together

1:34:161:34:22

# As friends

1:34:221:34:25

# Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ooh

1:34:251:34:28

# And everything's changing for ever

1:34:281:34:33

# One night

1:34:341:34:36

# One moment... #

1:34:381:34:47

Why do you want to play an innkeeper?

1:34:471:34:49

Because I'd love to, because he swears all day.

1:34:491:34:52

# Silent night

1:35:011:35:05

# Holy night

1:35:051:35:09

# All is calm

1:35:091:35:13

# All is bright

1:35:131:35:17

# Round yon Virgin Mother and Child

1:35:171:35:24

# Holy Infant so tender and mild

1:35:241:35:31

# Christ the Saviour is born

1:35:321:35:39

# Christ the Saviour is born

1:35:391:35:46

# Jesus, Lord, at thy birth

1:35:501:35:55

# Jesus, Lord

1:35:581:36:02

# At thy...

1:36:021:36:07

# Birth. #

1:36:071:36:15

Paul Maddens is charged with the biggest challenge of his life - mounting his primary school's musical version of the Nativity. Competing against the posh neighbouring school for the honour of the best-reviewed show in town, the stakes are raised when Paul idly boasts that his ex-girlfriend Jennifer, a Hollywood producer, is coming to see his show with a view to turning it into a film. The only trouble is - they haven't spoken in years...