Raising Helen

MUSIC: "Stand back" by Joan Osborne

# I need a Ken doll pilot with a sexy smile

# And a flying limousine

# To pick me up, go the extra mile

# And deliver me to the scene

# I need five more hours in the average day

# One to get the work done, four to play

# Be a devil and angel, you know what I mean?

# Stand back

# Out of my way

# Stand back

# You're crowding my day

# No time for good manners

# Do what I say

# If you're not here to help

# Then you're just in the way

# The road is littered with the faint of heart

# The fools who fell from stress

# It's a fact of life that you can't catch up

# Better learn how to love the mess

# So I'll just kick back, ignore the noise

# Have my way with the pretty boys

# What I dream at night don't even try to guess

# Stand back

# Stand back

# Out of my way

-# Stand back

-Stand back

# You're crowding my day

# Now this is my time to step up to the mike

# Like rock'n'roll lightning

# I'm ready to strike

-# Stand back

-Stand back

# Oh

-# Stand back

-Stand back

# Stand back. #

What do we got here? One, two, three, four.

Four beautiful ladies. Come on.

Caesar, let 'em in.

Nice. Not you. Too random.

Hey, Tinka. What are you doing?

I'm waiting for you.

Oh, no. You can't become a supermodel waiting in the middle of a line.

Follow me.

Evening, Jimmy. This is Tinka.

She's with you?

Are you kidding? I'm with her. She's the next big thing. Look at her.

Well, that may be, but she's not on the list.

Oh, let me see that.

Look at that.

She is now, stud. Come on.

Let 'em in.

So, that's how it works.

Who was she? >

Hey, what about us, stud? >

< We've been waiting for an hour.

HORN HONKS

MUSIC: "If You Walk Away" by Fefe Dobson

# The books I've read

# And this heart of mine

# I've booked ahead to the other side... #

Hey, Rufus.

- Hey. - What's happening?

That's what's happening. Who is she?

Close your mouth, Rufus. It's Tinka.

Everybody knows Tinka.

Well, I'll give her a shout-out.

(OVER PA) Hey, that girl on stage with the serious moves is Tinka.

Dominique Modelling Agency. Good morning.

No, Caitlin's not in this early.

I'll connect you to her voice mail.

- Hey, Lacey. - Good morning.

Good morning. Two calls from Paris, one from Milan,

and both need you to call back right now.

Ouch! Come here, Shelby. Sweetie, don't kick Mommy.

You brought Shelby again. Dominique's gonna kill you.

She's getting picked up at 7:30. Shh!

Watch out.

- Sweetie, you want to color? - Yeah, with markers.

PHONE RINGS

Dominique Modelling Agency, good morning.

OK, you can send your picture and resume.

Thank you.

PHONE RINGS

Dominique Modelling Agency, good morning.

No, Dominique's not in yet.

Can I give you her assistant Helen? Thank you.

Hello, it's Helen. Hi.

Oh, bonjour, Didier.

Non, non, uh...

OK, Jean Paul, so let's go over who you booked for that shoot again.

Yeah, just to be sure. Varusha, Sigrid Olafsson, Malak, Tinka...

Tinka?

I don't have a Tinka. Who is Tinka?

Morning, Lacey.

Is that the new one? Let me see.

< Dominique's here.

You smell funny. What is it? Baby powder?

- You need to sign these, please. - Who are you?

Mary. I'm the new intern.

Hope you're here long enough for me to remember your name.

Du kannst den Fotografen nicht warten lassen.

- Dominique's Modelle kommen nie spat.

- Shh, shh!

Dominique, here are the gentlemen for the Lola ad.

Hm.

"Every man." Well, they're not every man. Do better.

I demand to have her first. Let me speak to Dominique right now.

I need the list for the shoot. Yes.

You've heard about Tinka, have you?

If you want her, she's gonna cost you double, you know?

She's very popular. (Who's Tinka?)

Good. We got a deal. Bye.

I love new clients.

Thank you.

Caitlin.

No, no. He looks like a model.

No, he's just too beautiful.

We need a, you know, everyman. A bloke.

- A really, you know, nice... - Dominique.

You see? That's a bloke.

Excuse me. You with the water, what's your name?

Gary Hagelnick.

Um...Cia!

Would you photograph him, please?

Vieni qua, facciamolo.

I don't do naked...anymore.

Scusa.

Take some test shots. I think he's our Lola guy.

- Lindsay's going to love it. - I'm so late.

- Have fun with your sisters tonight. - Mm-hmm.

- I'll call you on my way back. - OK.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Mom... #

DOORBELL RINGS

Aunt Helen's here!

Aunt Helen's here!

Hang on. Hang on.

Hi. How are you?

- Oh, I'm so glad you're here. - Happy birthday.

- And you smell good. - Thanks. Here.

- Hey, Aunt Helen. - Yah! Oh!

Dad, are you really taking Mom to Atlantic City?

Yes, I am.

Aunt Helen, look what I got.

Your first fake ID.

Congratulations, "Mrs Gonzales"?

It's the only name they had.

I'm gonna show her my new turtle.

Hey-ho. CHEERING

Sorry I'm late. I've just been working my...

- What were you two...? - Oh, nothing.

Talking? Talking?

- No, no. - Just catching up.

Do you want something to eat? Are you hungry?

No. I'm fine. I ate. I am stuffed. I ate an apple on the way here.

Sorry, Jenny.

OK. So. And...

# ..Happy birthday to you. #

OK, make a wish, honey.

CHEERING

They couldn't put all the candles on or else the smoke alarm would go off.

I love this. Thank you.

You're welcome.

OK, who's this?

- This is Jenny? - Yes.

And I wonder what it is. It must be...

Both: Pot pourri.

No. You're all wrong.

It's not pot pourri. It's a make-your-own pot pourri kit.

Oh, it's great. I love it. Thank you so much. Who's next?

Oh, me, me, me, me, me.

Me, me, me, me, me.

Oh, yay. Oh, yay. Oh, yay.

"Lindsay, just remember...

"You're never too old to Dance around in your underwear."

No way.

Oh. Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh. Look.

Oh, no! Devo!

Oh! You got the hats! Where did you find these?

I couldn't believe it. Online.

Of all places. Bored at work.

- Remember this? - Yeah, I do.

I remember you kind of looked like fire hydrants.

Remember the moves? Do I remember the moves?

Just see if you can keep up. Come on.

MUSIC: "Whip It" by Devo

# Crack that whip

# Give the past the slip

# Step on a crack... #

Come on, honey.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, look at you go.

- Let's whip it good. - Oh, gosh, no.

BOTH: # When a problem comes along you must whip it

# If the cream sits out too long, you must whip it

# When something's going wrong

BOTH: # You must whip it

# Now whip it

# Into shape

# It's not too late

# To whip it

# Whip it good

# When a good time comes around You must whip it

# You will never live it down Unless you whip it

# No-one gets their way... #

Good shot, Mom!

Good shot, Mom.

OK, step out. Holy Toledo. Huh?

What is going on?

Jen, our little sister has grown up and turned into a Dance-club tramp.

Please! You should talk. You had your fun.

Yeah. That was fun, but I was never a size 2, you traitor.

Hey, we would have won if we'd played Horse.

Audrey, Henry, no video games until you clean up the den.

BOTH: Mom!

HE NEIGHS

- Oh, honey. - Night, Mom. Night, Dad.

Buddy, you're looking good out there.

The coach said I can play in every game.

- That's great. - Good night, everybody.

No, the birthday girl should not be doing the dishes.

I agree.

I'll change my shirt, come back and take over, OK?

OK.

You guys are such a Pottery Barn catalogue.

- How did that happen? - Whoo!

It's like they've never seen a dress before.

Um...they just haven't seen half of a dress.

You know what you were saying about the Pottery Barn catalogue?

You know how you get there?

You meet the nice guy, you get married,

and you get to experience...

BOTH: The miracle of life.

- Oh. Oh. - Oops.

Well, I don't know why I bother talking to you two.

Oh, no, no. Hello in there.

Will I be seeing you in four months?

Yes, I will. I hope you like pot pourri.

"Yes, I do." And I hope you like Tupperware parties.

And lots of flowers. Lots of...

It's true as well. I do, I love 'em.

I love flowers.

# I wanna feel what love is

# I wanna know

# And I want you to show me

# I wanna feel it, I wanna feel what love is

# I wanna feel what love is

# Ooh, baby. #

Thank you, guys.

All right, all right. Thank you. That was great.

Helen and Devon. That's enough.

Keep it down. I got neighbours.

I don't know any of them, but I got them.

What are you wearing?

I don't know. Whatever they put on me.

You took these from the photo shoot?

You're not supposed to take the clothes, you model.

Oh, right. So I guess I should take 'em off.

I'll help you.

POPPING

- What is this? - Oh, bubble wrap.

HELEN LAUGHS

The photographer wanted me to look more buff.

Ooh.

POPPING CONTINUES

- Hey. - Mm.

POPPING INTENSIFIES

MUSIC: "Extraordinary" by Liz Phair

# If you ever get to know me

# I am extraordinary... #

- All set, Ms. Rosenthal. - Oh, finally.

Come on in. Thank you for waiting.

Any minute. Any minute.

- Don't make me call for a pizza. - Any minute.

CAITLIN: Hey!

Hi.

Hi. How are you?

Hi. What is this? Sunday brunch gridlock?

Oh, I know. They just keep on telling us,

"any minute now," like it's a mantra.

Can we wait like normal patient adults?

ALL: No.

Christopher. Hi.

You're among friends. PHONE RINGS

I would like a bellini, please.

Bellini.

Oh, yes. Bellini. Bellini.

It's my sister.

Jenny, can I call you back?

Jenny... Acceptable guys at 12 o'clock.

Jenny, slow down. I can't hear you.

< Are they looking at you or me?

What?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, Jenny.

Helen, what's the matter?

Look at Helen.

Jenny...

Helen, what happened?

Hello. What is it? Honey, what happened?

..What?

Are you sure?

MAN: Jumped the centre divider and he slammed into them.

They didn't have time to react.

That's what the police think. I'm sorry, Ed.

WOMAN: I remember when they bought this house.

So what happens now with the kids?

Do the kids have any grandparents?

Yes. Paul's parents came from Miami.

They just barely made it today, so...

I'm so sorry.

I'm so, so sorry about your aunt and uncle.

Thank you. Yeah, thank you.

Reverend Hallin spoke so beautifully.

Thanks again, sweetie.

RATTLING

I'm so sorry.

So sorry for your loss, Jenny. I know, sweetheart.

I know.

It smells like Mommy in here.

JENNY: Guys.

A lot of people are waiting to pay their respects.

I'm sure they'd appreciate it if you all came downstairs.

We are gonna get through this.

All right?

Hey, do you mind going to the market for me

and getting some blue party napkins?

Now? I mean, can't we use something else?

Helen...

I've planned the funeral and I've...

I've made the food, and I've taken responsibility

for three very scared children.

All I'm asking you for is four packages of blue,

three-ply dinner napkins with the seashell design,

so that people don't remember our sister and her husband

with paper towelling on their...on their laps.

All right.

DOORBELL RINGS

Terribly sorry. Thank you.

Hi, I'm Wanda from next door.

If you need anything, my phone number's on the casserole.

Thank you. And I'm Rudy from across the street.

I also wanted to pay my condolences.

Everyone loved Lindsay and Paul.

DOORBELL RINGS

SIGHS

DOORBELL RINGS

Ball goes up... Oh, all right.

Come on through and give your brother a bounce pass.

There you go. Get it up. Yes!

Very good. OK. Now you give Sarah a bounce pass.

Come on, Sarah. Come on. Come on, sweetie.

MAN: "Section 5.

"Custody and care of the Davis children.

"An account and trust has been set up at Maplewood Savings Bank,

"in the names of Audrey, Henry and Sarah Davis."

"This bank also holds the mortgage

"on the Davis property at 207 Oak Street."

Yes, Larry, and that mortgage is quite large.

We do need to talk about that also.

We will.

"With regard to custody of Audrey, Henry and Sarah,

"we hereby appoint sole guardianship of all three children,

"imbuing her with all legal rights and responsibilities

"that guardianship entails,

"to Helen Harris."

What?

What? It's not a mistake. >

I prepared this for them myself.

They were very clear. Helen Harris.

Jenny should have them.

I... She's got kids. I...

She's got the mom haircut. She's supermom.

She left a letter for each of you explaining her decision.

You know I handled your mother's will.

Lindsay and Paul's was equally specific.

Good lord, Lindsay.

Can I read yours?

Helen.

Are there any contingencies? Yes.

If Helen is either unable

or unwilling to care for the children,

then you, Jenny, are thusly appointed.

< OK, finally, some reason.

< Thank you.

God, why didn't you start with that?

Can you imagine Helen raising three kids?

When should I tell them?

As soon as possible.

- Are you sure? - Yep.

But we all thought...

Nope.

It's gonna be hard to take care of us if you're dead, too.

This?

Won't kill me for years.

Who's gonna take me to school?

I guess I am.

And make me chicken fingers? Me.

And give me a bath? Me.

And check my nose boogies for infections?

We'll find someone else to do that last thing.

Come here.

All we gotta do is stick together.

Everything's gonna be OK.

Thanks for trying, Aunt Helen, but it's not gonna be OK.

Come on, Sarah. It's time for your bath.

Come on, Henry.

Good idea. Great.

Uh...you guys do that

while Aunt Helen is gonna go out and check the lawn.

Is Aunt Helen older than you, Audrey?

AUDREY WHISPERS: Get farther down.

Is she playing hide-and-go-seek?

AUDREY: I don't think so.

HENRY: We are in deep shit.

HELEN: I love New York pizza.

Aunt Helen, can we go to the Statue of Liberty tomorrow?

No, because we won't be here...

Where's Henry? He said he'd be right back.

I go to the bathroom for five seconds and he's gone?

With mustard. Here it is. I didn't want mustard.

You don't want mustard? No.

All right. No mustard.

There he is. Henry!

OK? Who's gonna pay for this? Aunt Helen.

You can't do that. You can't just leave.

I hate pizza. I wanted a hot dog.

Can you pay Aaron, please? I'm Aaron.

Hi, Aaron. I like that he's making new friends.

It's lovely. AARON: Look me up!

The next time you want something like a hot dog, you tell me, OK,

and we'll all go together. OK.

Where are we going to dinner? This is dinner.

SARAH: Gee, Mommy never let pizza be our whole dinner.

HENRY: And Dad always said not to eat and walk at the same time.

AUDREY: Well, they're not here to yell at us, so it doesn't matter.

HENRY: How many beds do you have in your apartment, Aunt Helen?

SARAH: Aunt Helen! HELEN LAUGHS

Audrey, your knee. Stop!

Hey, guys. Shh!

I'm telling you, if we don't go to sleep right now,

Sleepless Sally gets really upset

when the kids aren't going to sleep.

Where's Sarah? Sarah?

I'm right down here.

Henry's feet stink. Phew!

HENRY: But I'm a man. AUDREY: Give Aunt Helen a whiff.

I don't want to smell your feet.

Ew! I can smell them from here.

Ew! Henry! Oh, my goodness.

You need to wash your feet not once a week.

HENRY: Good night, all.

Audrey, get out of the bathroom.

Fire, fire.

Aunt Helen?

Why are we going back? This was great.

We should spend more time here.

More time? Yeah.

We can move here.

We can't sleep every night in a stinky-feet bed.

We'll move to another apartment. It's a huge city.

You'll be closer to your job and everything.

You love your job. What about Henry and Sarah?

What about them? They've got school.

They have friends. You guys grew up in that neighbourhood.

That's why. It's a sad neighbourhood now.

Everywhere we go there, we think of Mom and Dad.

The kids treat me differently.

We will discuss this later.

Please think about it, Aunt Helen.

OK, we got a train to catch. Let's go.

HELEN: Henry, stop brushing your teeth.

They're gonna fall out.

I can't get hippo in the bag. Oh, give it to me.

OK.

There. He's in the bag. Are you happy now?

HELEN: Henry!

Now, the only thing to do would be to tell Aunt Jenny.

Thinking about it, Audrey. I will think about it.

Tell her we voted.

I'll think about it, Audrey.

I understand the children's feelings,

but that's not part of the plan.

That's your plan, Jenny.

All right, well, what about the idea

of not selling Lindsay's house?

I know you guys offered to pay the mortgage, but it's enormous.

I spoke to the bank, and the mortgage is too much for us.

All right. Besides being my idea,

what's wrong with moving down the block?

I mean, I think the calm of the familiar is better

than the overwhelming hustle-bustle of the city.

Guys, can you please keep the colouring on the eggs and not each other?

Oh, no, no, no. No.

Jenny, Sarah thinks that Hippo's parents are on vacation,

that they're coming back.

Henry walks around like a zombie and draws skeletons.

Audrey is my only ally.

You really have to watch her.

Look, they're not happy. And they've told me themselves.

They're not gonna be happy anywhere right now.

OK, OK. Wait. Wait. Let us talk for a minute.

Wait till you see what the Easter Bunny brings.

He's gonna bring lots more eggs.

The Easter Bunny's not coming.

The Easter Bunny joined 50 Cent.

AUDREY: Why are you being a brat?

HENRY: You're a brat.

Helen is right. A change might do them some good.

And if it doesn't work out, they can always move back here to Jersey.

AUDREY: Ew, you got some in my hair.

SARAH: You know what? You know what?

Oh, no. You're not very good at this, Aunt Helen.

SARAH: Stop it!

Irwin's after ya!

Turtles carry diseases. Sarah, please.

We have to find an apartment.

We need to help Aunt Helen.

OK? By being quiet.

Stop it.

Stop.

HELEN CLICKS HER PEN

HELEN: No.

Chelsea? No.

You know, I hear there's some pretty decent stuff in Queens.

No. We are not bridge-and-tunnel people.

We are Manhattan people.

Oh, wow!

Four bedrooms. Close to Central Park.

The owner wants it rented quickly, so he's asking

What is very reasonable for a New York apartment.

Only 9,000 a month.

MUSIC: "Whose Life Am I In" By Shedaisy

# I feel like an android living in a polaroid

# Just another reject It gets a little seasick

# Whose life am I in?

# Feels like deja vu Don't know what to do

# Point my finger to the sky

# And finally ask the question why

# Whose life am I in?

# Whose life am I in?

# Whose life am I in? #

That's the girl looking at 4b.

Ha ha! Whoa!

THEY SQUEAL

-One bathroom. That's it?

-Yeah, well,

I'll put you on a waiting list if a two opens up.

And look at this - flower power, huh?

So I guess Audrey can have the back room.

And Henry and Sarah can share the middle one.

And I'll just sleep on a pull-out couch.

Wow, graffiti.

Oh, sure, there's plenty of room for a pull-out couch here.

Look, you got a nice view.

So, in the ad it said something about a visual security system.

How does that work? Oh, when somebody buzzes,

you stick your head out the window and you look down.

That's the visual part. And then you yell for them to come up or not.

That's the security part.

Here's your keys. Welcome to the Astoria Arms.

I am only available between 8.30 and 9.00 in the morning

because I have a life.

So...

Home!

SARAH: Yay!

MUSIC: "Chori Chori Gori Se"

JENNY: I ordered the pizza. It should be here in 30 minutes.

ED: Yay!

Um...

Know what? I bet this is lead paint.

Guys. Guys, guys.

Don't chew on the windowsills, all right?

Yeah. Stick to the table legs, like I taught you.

ED: OK, come on, guys. Let's go, let's go.

Sometime today. Into the bedroom.

This window is also painted shut.

You know, I mean, for 1,200 a month,

you'd think you'd have windows that open.

I want this bed. Look, for the tenth time,

in the old house, I had this bed and you had that bed.

But I want this bed. That's it! Hippo goes out the window.

Followed by Irwin! JENNY: Guys!

Stop fighting. He pinches her all the time, and hard.

It's hard. I know.

Thank you.

So, it's not that bad, right, Jen?

No.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Nilma Prasad. I live across the hall.

Here's some samosas that we made for you.

Oh. So that would make you my neighbour.

This is my neighbour, my friendly neighbour, Jenny.

Noma, I'm Helen. No, I'm Nilma.

I'm Helen. That's Jenny.

I snagged this one in the hallway screaming.

It's OK, Flora. Mr Costello's deaf. I'm not.

NILMA SPEAKS HINDI

So I see you have kids, too, so maybe a play date sometime?

Oh! Oh, my goodness, that would be wonderful.

Oh, great.

I'm Jenny, Helen's sister. Hello.

Can I ask you a special favour? Yes.

Helen is new at being a mom.

Uh-oh.

Exactly. These aren't her kids?

Our sister passed.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Bless her.

So, Nilma, if you could from time to time...

Oh, absolutely.

And if they... Which they will, no?

You could... No problem.

That's all I'm asking. OK, say no more, please.

Thank you so much. OK, no problem.

Just mommy talk.

Oh, right.

So, Helen, where have you decided to send the kids to school?

Got it covered.

It's just a middle school,

and you'll have to be separated,

all three of you. SARAH: No!

I know. I vote against separation.

You know, maybe we should find a school

with less policemen everywhere.

Audrey. Hi. Let's go.

Come on, guys. This cab's gonna be about 100.

Oh, that girl is fine. >

Hi. Yeah, she's pretty.

Nice, Audrey. Thanks for making my life a lot easier(!)

AUDREY: I don't like school, anyway.

I mean, I'll just drop out and get a job.

SARAH: I like school. I wanna go to school. I want to.

HENRY: Aunt Helen, you promised you'd find us a school.

HELEN: Oh, God help me.

CHURCH BELL RINGS

HELEN: Slow down. Stop.

That was fast. Kids.

Lisa, stop dragging your sweater.

CHILDREN SING

# This little light of mine

# I'm gonna let it shine

# Let it shine, let it shine

# Let it shine

# This little light of mine

# I'm gonna let it shine

# This little light of mine

# I'm gonna let it shine

# This little light of mine

# I'm gonna let it shine

# Let it shine, let it shine

# Let it shine

# Let it shine, let it shine

# Let it shine

# Let it shine

# Let it shine

# Let it shine. #

I mean, Lutheranism has been in our family

for as long as Lutheran people have been around.

Being a Lutheran is the greatest. I mean, right, kids?

Hippo wants to be a Lutheran, too.

Hippo is a Lutheran.

I knew that God told us to move here

so that we could attend your fine school.

A good, solid education taught our Lutheran way is the best way.

I mean, isn't that right, father? Pastor.

- Father Pastor. - Pastor Parker.

Right.

Thank you for that fine testimonial.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Well. I'm just gonna need

the kids' transcripts and blood tests, and they're in.

Blood tests? Make sure they're really Lutheran.

You'd be surprised how many non-Lutherans try to sneak in.

I'm sure. Um, problem.

They're all haemophiliacs.

All three of them.

(Can't take blood. Shh.

(They're sensitive.) It's a joke.

Why would I joke about haemophilia?

There's no blood test. That's the joke.

Oh.

You don't have to be Lutheran to go here. It's Queens.

There's, like, 50 Lutheran kids in the whole neighbourhood.

Shall we take a look around?

So we have space available. Can you handle the tuition?

HELEN: Not a problem. SARAH: Tetherball!

Oh, yay!

Henry, we have basketball courts, gym down there.

Saint Barbara's believes in basketball.

Oh.

So what's the Lutheran take on the afterlife?

Pretty much the standard heaven, hell, purgatory thing?

Yeah, pretty much. Old-school around here.

HELEN: Hey, so you wanna go see the basketball courts?

No, I'm gonna go play tetherball. Oh, OK.

Play hard! OK.

Pastor Dan.

Hello.

Excuse me.

Mrs Fricker, I know what you got there.

I made you some special brownies.

Wow. You, uh... I'm gonna...

He gets a lot of brownies.

I see that.

Mm. Better than last time.

Hi, I'm Phyllis Shore. Helen Harris.

This is my daughter Lisa. Hi, Lisa.

Will you be joining us at Saint Barbara's? I hope so.

Thank you. I'll see you Sunday. OK. Bye-bye.

See you Sunday night at vespers. See you at vespers.

See you at vespers.

You know what vespers is?

Some kind of scooter?

Close enough.

HELEN: We got ten minutes. You don't want to be late for your first day of school.

Audrey.

Please get out of the bathroom. AUDREY: I'm not in there.

I can't do it. I don't remember how.

Sweetie.

I don't remember how. What's the matter?

Your shoes? Here, let me help you.

No! No!

Sarah, sweetheart, we have to go to school.

OK? Let me help you. No, no!

That's not how. You don't know how.

Sweetheart, are you nervous about today?

I mean, it's a big day at school.

Mom was teaching her how to tie her shoelaces just before...

Oh.

Right.

And I guess she had a special way of tying them.

Well, your mom and I were probably taught the same way.

Let me think. Something about...

Bunnies.

Bunnies.

Right. Bunny ears.

You make two bunny ears...

Bunny goes around the tree,

into the burrow,

pull tight.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hurry up, hurry up. When will you be home from work?

By dinnertime. Audrey's in charge, so listen to her, OK?

I don't wanna listen to her.

Pastor Dan. Pastor Dan.

Well, it's the four Lutherans. Here we are.

Here you are. Pastor Wells,

would you please show Henry and Audrey to the homeroom?

Sure.

Hello, Audrey. Bye.

Bye. Pay attention! Sit up straight.

Good morning. Wait, what about lunch?

- Eat it, it's healthy. - I meant, we don't have any.

Oh! Right. I'll take care of it.

Bye.

Can you break a 20? Always got change in the collection plate.

And kindergarten? Right over here.

Oh, wow, look. It's a juggling pastor, Sarah.

Hello, welcome. Mrs Lagambina.

Helen Harris. This is Sarah. Hello, Sarah.

Look at all this fun stuff. You've got markers

and crayons, colouring books, and all the nice people.

Hi. You're gonna have such a good time.

MRS LAGAMBINA: We were all drawing our favourite animal.

Lily was drawing a cat.

Sarah, do you want some crayons?

Oh, no, not those. Those are the teacher's markers.

You'd better put your sweater on. It's chilly outside.

OK, that was funny. Sorry, Sarah.

You could've just told me.

More fun this way.

MRS LAGAMBINA: Who's this?

SARAH: Hippo. Everybody, meet Hippo.

CHATTER

Hi, Lacey. Hey.

Helen.

I told you I'd make it back. Good. Sit down, sweetie.

Who's that? That's the intern.

Move over, intern. Caitlin, move.

OK, good. Now, what about the Armani deal?

Is that gonna be completed in my lifetime?

Tom made it happen this morning,

and you're all set for your trip to Miami.

Good. You're gonna love it there.

Me?

Well, yes. You're back, I need you.

Oh, Dominique, I...

I can't just pick up and leave for a week right now.

Why?

(I have...)

Oh. The babies. Hm.

All right, who wants to take this little mummy's place

on a first-class trip to Miami?

Caitlin. You're on. Helen will tell you what to bring.

Don't wear any of those midriff-baring outfits. It's so last year.

And I want my luggage Federal Expressed ahead of time.

Right, that's it. Lacey, who am I having lunch with today?

- Was it Vogue or Elle or...? - Vogue at Cipriani.

OK. Good.

Good to have you back, sweetie.

We'll go over everything else at the fashion show tonight.

Tonight?

Unless, of course, you've got a brownie meeting or something.

Oh, no, no, no. I'll be there.

Good.

Hola. MAN: Sweetheart, over here.

- Hi. - Who's your date?

His name is Pate. MAN: Big smile.

MAN: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Please take your seats. The show's about to begin.

That's Martina, the supermodel, sitting next to Dominique.

Who are the ladies on the end?

Those are the agents we're trying to steal her from.

Hello. You have a lovely agency. Yes.

I think we should have lunch.

Take the houselights out and go cue one.

- Hi, Teddy. - Hi. Kids, don't touch the runway lights.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Thanks.

Hey, hi. AUDREY: Front row seats!

- What's all this? - There's no room.

HELEN: Can you squash down just a little bit more?

- Don't these children live in Queens? - I know.

I know. I couldn't find anybody to watch them.

But don't worry, you won't even know they're here.

I'm here to work.

This child's wearing pajamas.

SARAH: Aunt Helen, I'm hungry.

- Well, you should've eaten your hamburger. - It had onions.

OK. Take care of her a sec. I'll be right back.

Keep an eye on her. You're going?

Keep an eye on Sarah.

Hey, partner. Working on your lingerie merit badge?

I'm a buyer from victoria's Secret.

You're with Helen and you should go back to your seat.

Yeah. Go for teddy.

Does my nose boogie look green?

Yes, as a matter of fact, it does.

Sort of Prada green. Not their best collection. Put it back inside.

MUSIC: "Fashion" by David Bowie

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ooh, look, a doggy! Yes. Watch the lovely doggy.

Hello, doggy.

Oh, my...

Come here, doggy.

Oh!

Are you all right? Model down. I repeat, we have a model down.

Oh, no. Sarah, what are you doing? Are you OK?

- What happened? - Everything's OK.

All set. The limo's downstairs.

- Martina. Welcome to our agency. - Thanks. I'm so excited.

You can be effusive on the way in the limo.

Go on, off you go.

So we should be at Coney Island in about an hour.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me. This is Helen.

- Hi, it's Dan. - Dan. What's wrong?

Uh, nothing is wrong.

We just...we have a little situation with Sarah down here.

- I think you should come to school. - Come there now?

It's a little difficult to get to school right now.

I'm working. Is she OK?

Helen. Give me the phone.

Yeah. Hi.

We'll be right there. OK.

Are you sure? No problem.

Thank you. We have plenty of time.

I know how it is. I have a four-year-old.

Then I couldn't find the burrow for the bunny.

I hate it when that happens. Me too.

You guys want to do my makeup?

GIRLS: Yeah.

Can I be a princess? Yeah. You're pretty.

OK.

Sarah, you don't have to learn to tie your shoes right now.

When you're ready to tie your shoes, you will.

That's right. Shoe-tying's tough.

Why do you think Jesus wore sandals?

See ya. HELEN: Thanks, Pastor Dan.

Do I look pretty? Yeah!

So, you wanna go play? Everything's gonna be fine.

GIRL: A little bit of green up here.

Stop!

Are those permanent?

It's OK, it happens to me all the time.

It'll come off in a couple of days.

Sorry, Helen.

It's not working.

I understand.

Um...

I'm sorry, Dominique.

Thank you so much for everything.

I'll collect my things.

JAZZ MUSIC

MAN: Hey! Stop that racket.

LAUGHTER ON TV

Are you all right, Aunt Helen? You've been watching reruns all day.

Reruns are the culture of the unemployed.

KNOCKING

Hey, I'll get it. I have no life.

KNOCKING

Cable guy.

It's the Exorcist!

Hi. Hi.

Sorry about Martina.

So I brought you comfort food - Chunky Monkey.

Would you like to come in? Pastor Dan.

Hey, kids.

How did he get past the visual security system?

Who cares? Now we can watch MTV.

It's funny how one moment I'm living my life,

not really in touch with the fact that

I'm sharing this planet with permanent pens,

and the next moment, one such pen has made, shall we say,

an indelible impact on my career.

- Hey, Helen. - A black mark on my record,

- X'd out my future... - Helen.

..and, in short, my career is dead.

Like your turtle.

What?

Turtle's dead.

Oh, no.

Oh, Irwin, no.

May he rest in peace... Oh, shut up.

You don't understand. This is Henry's turtle.

It's his friend. He's...

He can't be dead.

Oh, he's dead.

We need to find a body double now.

Here.

What about the empty bowl?

I'll hide it.

Um...uh...

Ki...kids!

We're gonna go get butterscotch

and chocolate syrup for the ice cream.

You stay put and watch television.

And don't come in the kitchen. I just waxed the floors.

- Irwin's long-lost brother. - Yeah.

Thanks for doing this. You're my saviour.

I mean... I know what you mean.

So, how are things going?

Fine. Hm?

Fine. Just fine?

Yeah. What do you mean? Well, it's just that

I've noticed Audrey spending too much time with the boys.

You know, that's normal for what she's going through,

you know, look for that attention,

but some of these kids are not exactly angels, you know what I mean?

They're 15. It's teenage stuff.

It's harmless. No, it's not really harmless,

cos one of these punks - his name's BZ -

I'm about to kick his butt outta school.

Let's just get upstairs before Henry finds the bowl.

Yeah, Henry. You said the kid likes basketball.

He never, ever picks up a ball.

I know. I've noticed that.

The thing with Sarah and the shoes the other day, that's not the first time...

Hey, what do you expect, Dan?

They've lost their parents, they've moved to a new city,

changed schools, changed religions.

Well, let's talk about some things you could do at home.

You want to know what I've been doing at home?

I've been doing the best I can.

Do you have any idea what this has done to my life?

Hey, Helen, do you have any idea what it's done to theirs?

Hey, Pastor Dan, Mr Self-righteous,

I'm hanging on by a thread here.

I lost my sister, my social life,

my disposable income,

my ability to fit into a size 2,

and this just in - my job.

Pretty much the only two things that haven't disappeared

are my nicotine fits and the few pounds

that have recently taken up residence on my ass.

So forgive me if I'm not too thrilled about being lectured,

in Queens,

about being a lousy legal guardian to three kids

who maybe shouldn't have been given to me in the first place.

Well, they weren't given to you.

They were entrusted to you by their mother, who...

Don't you talk about Lindsay!

Don't you dare talk about Lindsay!

You didn't know her.

Give me the turtle.

That was out of line. I'm sorry.

Dan, give me the damn turtle.

Helen...

Helen.

Hey, Helen.

MUSIC: "Destiny" by Zero 7

Dominique's is quite an impressive background.

- But three children? - Oh, they are great kids.

They pretty much take care of themselves.

We love children. We're thinking about adopting.

But there'd be a lot of travelling involved and very little notice.

I love travelling.

But would they be long trips?

But I'm not on the Mommy track.

We'll be in touch.

THEY ARGUE

SPORTS ON RADIO

Irwin, you're not looking yourself.

OK, Sarah's asleep. Go to bed now

and make sure if she needs anything,

you can get it for her.

I see no party. There is no party. That's right.

DANCE MUSIC

Whoa!

Yeah. Hi.

Hi.

Hey, everyone, this is my Aunt Helen.

BOY: She don't look like no aunt I ever had.

What are you...? What is this? What is this?

I thought you wanted to meet my friends.

This is BZ. He's a DJ. This is his mix.

Whassup, Mommy?

Whassup?

You got a phat crib.

Thank you. PHONE RINGS

Um... Oh, there's my phone ringing in my phat crib.

TURNS MUSIC UP

Hello.

I'm calling to remind you

to come over for Mother's Day.

Jenny, do you think that's still such a good idea?

I mean, I don't know if the kids are...

'It'll be fine.'

And we're still gonna do the letter thing?

Sure. I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

- What's that noise? - Audrey has company.

On a school night? You better make them leave.

- What do I say? - You say, "go home."

OK, but what if they ask why?

You say, "because I said so."

Hi. Can we turn the music down?

Hey, guys. Let's turn the music down a little bit.

Please? Thank you.

This "crib" is closing.

And I think it's time for all y'all to go.

Why?

Because I said so.

GIRL LAUGHS

I'll tell you what,

we'll be gone before you know it.

Bianca! All right.

TURNS MUSIC UP

Jenny, I don't know if they're quite ready to go home just yet.

Helen, get Nilma now.

OK. I'm ready.

SHE SHOUTS Nilma, a bat?

Helen said wrap it up!

You get out of here, you ugly little...

Bimbo girl.

What do you think this is?

And you, falling asleep. You get out.

Party's over. Elevator leaving.

Hey, you. This is not a slumber party.

Get out! Get out, you. Get out, Snoop Doggies.

You, get out of here. No.

I said get out. Chill out, Miss Rambo.

- I'm trying to get my stuff. - Get out, little hooligan. Get out.

Yo, BZ, let's get outta here. > Great party.

NILMA: Baggy-pant little diaper-boy, go home to Mama.

I'm serious! You get out of here!

I said go! Get out of here!

Back home with your baggy pants and your diapers.

Go home, naughty boy.

Good night, Helen.

What is the matter with you?

Don't you remember what it's like to be young?

Of course I remember.

It was last Wednesday!

Hi.

Can I ask you a question?

What was Lindsay thinking?

So, listen, don't worry about it.

They'll appreciate it when they're older.

I know. I just hate being hated.

I love it.

I don't have that relationship... You do.

You know, you can tell me all your problems, really.

I'm a solver.

I once got an axle-grease stain out of silk.

OK, solver, can you find me a job

close to home with decent pay?

And a dental plan for the cavity triplets?

My husband - Ravi.

Do you know where I can find a Ravi Prasad?

Yeah, he's inside.

You'll see, we're like one big family here.

Now, the owner, Mr Massey, nice guy, very fair,

but he's picky about who he hires.

Hey, Ralphy, any takers on that lime-green baby?

You wise guy.

I still got five bucks says you'll sell it. You're on.

We got stuck with this lime-green Lincoln.

Been here for months. Mr Massey's offering a ham

to the first person who can sell it.

A ham? Oh, yeah.

Guys are big on free meats around here.

Now, listen. Mr Massey's a little nervous.

He acted in his first on-camera TV commercial today.

And see me, Mickey Massey, a name you can trust.

Uh... Yeah, I forgot to point.

You want a deal on a previously owned car?

Well, come... Charlie! Charlie!

It's me. Yeah. Commercial.

KNOCKING

'You want a deal on a previously owned car?

'Then come to Massey Motors...' Come in.

Thank you.

< 'Yeah, I pointed the wrong way again.'

Hi, I'm Helen.

Sit. I'll be with you in a second. Just sit.

'..to give you the best deal in town.'

Remember - Massey means trust.

- What'd you think of that? - I believe it.

Don't. "Massey" doesn't mean trust.

It means "hillside" in French. I can't do dishonest.

Ravi, we're reshooting that commercial.

Honest. We need an honest commercial, Ravi. All right?

I'm sorry. Ms Helen Harris. OK. Yes.

How long did you work as a secretary?

Actually, I wasn't a secretary. As it states right there,

I was an executive assistant to Dominique Courier,

and I had a promise of promotion to agent.

OK. >

You seem like a nice girl, Helen.

And you're a friend of Ravi and Nilma's.

All right, we're looking for a receptionist.

The pay is 17.50 an hour, the hours are 9:00 to 5:00.

So, how does that suit you, hm?

I always thought I could have a career in used cars one day.

We don't sell used cars. Previously owned

- or prior-owned cars. - Prior-owned.

Now, you just have to pass one little test, OK?

FEEDBACK

Ravi to parts.

Ravi to parts.

LOUDER: Ravi to parts. Ravi to parts.

Ralphy to the showroom.

Ralphy to the showroom.

Yeah?

Helen to payroll.

Hello.

Oh! Ha ha ha ha! Oh!

She made the cover! I know this girl. I know her.

She looks beautiful. So how many copies do you want?

None.

Oh, good! Get your hands washed, guys.

Hey, you, look, look, look. Hello, hello.

Hello, sweetie. Mwah! Happy Mother's Day.

HELEN: Hi. Happy Mother's Day.

You! Aunt Jenny, hey.

Oh, gosh. Everybody, please sit down.

All right. We're going to eat right away.

So, um, did you remember to bring your letter?

Oh, of course I did. Mm-hmm. Oh.

Not until you show me yours.

Well, why don't we just do it after dinner?

DOG BARKS Stay!

WHIMPERS

What happened with the train? Was there a delay?

No, no. Audrey was making samosas at Nilma's,

so we caught the next train. Mm-hmm. Just one?

Well, they were hungry, so they ate them on the way.

Huh.

Can I help you with something, Jenny?

You know what? I've got everything organised.

Ooh. Ooh.

Sweetie, what did Mommy say about kicking

when she's having a conversation?

You need to wait until she's finished.

Thank you very much.

Did you just boss around the unborn?

It's never too early to start learning manners.

OK, kids. We're ready.

Whoa!

Wow!

Oh, my gosh. JENNY: Look at that. Hey, guys.

Holy cow. Yeah.

Oliver, did you wash your hands?

Everything tastes great, honey.

You shouldn't have had to cook on Mother's Day.

You know I don't mind.

Being a mom is the greatest job on earth.

I know your mom felt that way.

Jenny. What?

We all love her. We miss her.

We can mention her. Can't we?

I don't like to.

SARAH: Me neither.

You know, would you kids like to talk about what you've been reading?

Harry Potter. Harry Potter.

Stuff by Shank 54.

Huh. That sounds interesting. Who's that?

He writes poems... on the side of our building.

With spray paint at 4:00 in the morning.

Sometimes I help when I can't sleep

because Aunt Helen's on a date

or Audrey's on the internet talking dirty

or Sarah's crying because we forgot to feed her again.

Henry! What?

Jenny, no.

Henry, what are you talking about?

Is this some kind of joke?

I don't know why you keep saying things like this.

It's not funny!

- I thought it was funny. - Thank you.

Henry was making all of that up, Jenny.

Jenny, what are you doing?

"When a problem comes along you must whip it..." Give me my letter.

"..before the cream..."

Jenny, give me my letter. That's it?

That's all she left behind to explain why she chose you?

The lyrics to Whip It?! It makes sense to me.

What is it with you two and that song?

It's ridiculous. I don't get it.

Exactly! What are you saying?

That that's the point? That I'm no fun?

That I don't get things? That I never make jokes?

Show me your letter.

No!

No? No? What do you mean, no?

We said you would read my letter and I would read yours.

This is not a letter.

These are lyrics. Nonsensical lyrics.

This is not a letter! If this was a letter,

you could read my letter, but this is not a letter!

HELEN: Not a letter?

What? You are a smug,

bitter, colossal bitch!

DOG WHIMPERS OK. Guys.

I think this is a good time to take Origami for a walk.

No, we'll miss the fight.

If you're finished, I think I'd like to serve dessert.

HELEN: You don't want to help me.

You just want to judge me.

Um, let's all go into the living room

and listen to Jasmine play the piano with one arm.

You just want to prove that you're a better mother than me

and that Lindsay was wrong.

Why would I need to prove that?

Of course I'm a better mother than you!

I've been doing it forever. But does that matter? No.

She still chose you over me.

Exactly! SHE chose, Jenny. Not me.

I had no control over it.

You're angry with me because of a decision that she made for me.

# Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

# Life is but... #

I am giving up everything for these kids,

and you have no idea what that's like.

I don't know what it's like?

How do you think I got this way?

Whatever this way is that's so particularly unfun and funny.

Who changed your diapers? Oh, don't start with that.

Mom died when I was 7.

Who fed you? Who baby-sat you?

Lindsay was there, too.

Lindsay was in New York, trying to be a dancer,

and I was at home not having a normal childhood

cos I was too busy being your mommy.

And you're...tra-la-la Helen.

So...free.

Miss Party-party- all-night-long,

and I never ever got to feel like that, ever.

Not once.

I don't want to fight anymore. >

Happy mother's day.

WHISTLE

42 - foul.

Flagrant!

'One minute left.'

Maybe I can come see you DJ sometime.

I don't know, Miss Audrey.

I'm not spinning no kids' birthday parties, you know?

- You got a fake ID? - Of course.

'Nurse Wilson says he's OK.'

When is Henry gonna play, Aunt Helen?

Uh...

Hey, coach!

This isn't the NBA finals.

What happens to "everybody plays"? Why don't you put Henry in?

3, 2, 1.

And Saint Barbara's wins.

- Excuse me. - Yes?

Hi. Excuse me.

What is your problem? Aunt Helen, please.

He could be one of your best players.

He doesn't want to play, so you need to square that away with him.

You're the coach.

< Just forget about it.

I'm gonna go change.

I'm sorry that I yelled at you, Dan,

But I've been battling with the kids,

I'm fighting with my sister,

and we're too stubborn to talk to each other.

I guess I'm just...edgy.

Hey, nobody ever said it was gonna be easy. Right?

Yeah, try doing it on your own.

We got a lot of people around here who do.

Matt Higgins' mom, she took a pay cut.

She works out of her house.

Tommy Meyer's dad is with the kids all day long, then he works at night.

I mean, it's tough, but it can be done.

- Hey, you know what you need? - A nanny? But I can't afford one.

You need some fun. I'm just the man to provide it.

What are you doing on Sunday?

- Going to church, of course. - Yeah, right.

Nice try.

You and the kids. Sunday afternoon.

What do you have in mind?

Today we're at the Central Park Zoo, where every spring a prayer is said,

blessing the animals and the newborn babies.

REPORTER: Pastor?

Dear Lord, we humbly ask that you bless these animals

and all your creatures throughout the world.

Blessed are you, Lord. Amen.