Confessions of a Dangerous Mind


Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS


Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Oddball black comedy based on the cult memoirs of Chuck Barris (Sam Rockwell), a successful TV gameshow producer who claimed to moonlight as a CIA assassin in his spare time.


Similar Content

Browse content similar to Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

This film contains strong language.

0:00:020:00:07

I wouldn't want to live his life,

0:00:130:00:15

cos he hasn't been happy all of his life.

0:00:150:00:17

All I think is, if you can find work, stay healthy,

0:00:170:00:20

find somebody to share it with,

0:00:200:00:21

you're the ultimate success.

0:00:210:00:23

He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle,

0:00:230:00:25

but not all of them.

0:00:250:00:26

BURGER: "I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear..."

0:00:270:00:30

REAGAN: I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear...

0:00:300:00:33

"..that I will faithfully execute the Office

0:00:330:00:35

"of President of the United States."

0:00:350:00:36

That I will faithfully execute the office...

0:00:360:00:38

TONE BLARES

0:00:380:00:41

CARTOON MUSIC PLAYS

0:00:430:00:45

'When you're young, your potential is infinite.

0:00:460:00:51

'You might do anything, really.

0:00:510:00:54

'You might be Einstein.

0:00:540:00:56

'You might be Di Maggio.

0:00:560:00:58

'Then you get to an age when what you might be

0:01:000:01:02

'gives way to what you have been.

0:01:020:01:04

'You weren't Einstein.

0:01:040:01:06

'You weren't anything.

0:01:060:01:09

'That's a bad moment.'

0:01:100:01:12

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:01:230:01:25

Chuck, it's Pen.

0:01:300:01:33

CHUCK: Hey! Jesus. How'd you find me?

0:01:350:01:39

You wrote me your last letter

0:01:390:01:40

on hotel stationery.

0:01:400:01:41

Oh. Uh, it's great to see you, Pen.

0:01:410:01:45

You look...you look beautiful.

0:01:450:01:48

This place is scary.

0:01:480:01:50

Yeah. The human... the human psyche.

0:01:500:01:54

I came to take you back to California with me.

0:01:540:01:57

Uh, no.

0:01:570:01:59

It's a lonely state without you.

0:01:590:02:02

I'm home, Red.

0:02:020:02:03

I can't wait forever for you to marry me.

0:02:110:02:15

Well, apparently, I can,

0:02:150:02:17

But I really don't want to.

0:02:170:02:21

PENNY: I love you so much.

0:02:280:02:30

PENNY: You don't understand.

0:02:350:02:39

PENNY: I don't even know why.

0:02:390:02:40

Oh, Penny.

0:02:400:02:43

Penny, Penny, Penny. HE LAUGHS

0:02:430:02:46

SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

0:02:530:02:56

PEEPHOLE CLOSES

0:02:560:02:58

BARRIS: Listen, I gotta go, OK?

0:03:030:03:05

BARRIS: I'm kind of busy right now, OK?

0:03:050:03:07

'It was 1981,

0:03:080:03:11

'and I had holed myself up in this New York hotel,

0:03:110:03:15

'the Phoenix Hotel,

0:03:150:03:16

'terrified of everything, ashamed of my life...

0:03:160:03:20

'..until, finally, I realized my salvation

0:03:240:03:27

'might be in recording my wasted life unflinchingly.

0:03:270:03:30

'Maybe it would serve as a cautionary tale.

0:03:310:03:35

'And maybe it would help me understand why.

0:03:350:03:39

'When I was 11, I had an experience

0:03:390:03:42

'with my sister's friend, Tuvia,

0:03:420:03:44

'that left an indelible impression.'

0:03:440:03:46

Hey. What?

0:03:460:03:48

Tuvia. What?!

0:03:480:03:49

You want to lick it?

0:03:490:03:51

No. Why should I?

0:03:510:03:54

Well, for one thing, it tastes like strawberry.

0:03:540:03:57

My sister tells me you love strawberries.

0:03:570:03:59

Yeah, well, I hate strawberries.

0:03:590:04:01

No, I'm serious.

0:04:010:04:03

It tastes exactly like a strawberry lollipop.

0:04:030:04:05

Look, I know that's not true.

0:04:050:04:06

Well, I bet you it does.

0:04:060:04:07

I bet you it doesn't.

0:04:070:04:09

I'll bet you a dollar.

0:04:090:04:11

BARRIS: Tuvia...my first love.

0:04:130:04:17

Perhaps my whole life turned at that point.

0:04:180:04:21

The repulsiveness of my sex confirmed

0:04:210:04:23

by the taste buds of a ripening pubescent girl.

0:04:230:04:27

What are you doing?

0:04:270:04:29

Get off me!

0:04:290:04:30

'And so I found myself

0:04:300:04:31

'in a downward spiral of debauchery.

0:04:310:04:34

'Endlessly chasing pussy.'

0:04:340:04:36

DOO WOP MUSIC PLAYS

0:04:360:04:38

'My only focus in life to get laid, to get blown,

0:04:400:04:43

'trying to fool myself into believing

0:04:430:04:45

'that given the right combination

0:04:450:04:46

'of circumstances and deception,

0:04:460:04:47

'maybe the Tuvias of the world

0:04:470:04:49

'could desire me the way I desired them.

0:04:490:04:52

'I only wanted to be loved.'

0:04:530:04:56

No... SHE SOBS

0:05:020:05:04

# Won't you tell me why

0:05:040:05:07

# I love... #

0:05:070:05:09

ZIPS PANTS

0:05:090:05:10

# That girly so

0:05:100:05:12

# She doesn't want me... #

0:05:130:05:17

BARRIS: The constant inarticulate rage

0:05:170:05:20

led to bar fight after bar fight.

0:05:200:05:23

TV ANNOUNCER: New York is a city of people,

0:05:310:05:33

the only state in the union to stretch

0:05:330:05:34

from the Atlantic Ocean to the great lakes.

0:05:340:05:37

Directly across the avenue is... you're right again.

0:05:370:05:40

BARRIS: I had heard that television

0:05:400:05:41

was an industry with a future,

0:05:410:05:43

so I packed up and moved from Philly to Manhattan.

0:05:430:05:46

NBC THEME PLAYS

0:05:460:05:47

TOUR GUIDE: We began making commercial broadcasts

0:05:470:05:49

in 1941,

0:05:490:05:51

and in 1953,

0:05:510:05:52

NBC made the first ever colour telecast by a network

0:05:520:05:56

during the Colgate comedy hour.

0:05:560:05:57

Now we'll have a look at the studio

0:05:570:05:59

where they produce The Today Show,

0:05:590:06:01

which NBC began broadcasting in 1952.

0:06:010:06:05

Excuse me, miss. Do you know where

0:06:050:06:06

I could apply for an NBC page?

0:06:060:06:08

TOUR GUIDE: ..Such as The Perry Como Show,

0:06:080:06:10

which you can tune into on Saturdays at 7.30.

0:06:100:06:13

The Nat King Cole Show,

0:06:130:06:15

which you won't want to miss,

0:06:150:06:16

on Tuesdays at 8pm

0:06:160:06:17

And hold on one second.

0:06:170:06:19

OK.

0:06:210:06:22

And my personal favourite,

0:06:220:06:24

The Lux Show starring Rosemary Clooney...

0:06:240:06:26

..Which you can enjoy every Thursday at 10.00.

0:06:260:06:28

And of course, The Steve Allen Show,

0:06:280:06:30

which delights us every Sunday at 8.00.

0:06:300:06:32

You may also be interested to know that Steve Allen

0:06:320:06:34

actually got his start in entertainment

0:06:340:06:36

as an NBC page.

0:06:360:06:37

Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll follow me...

0:06:370:06:38

WOMAN: Raymond in accounting?

0:06:380:06:40

He's kind of cute, huh?

0:06:400:06:42

Cute is all well and good, Mary-Ann,

0:06:420:06:44

but what you want is a man who's going places -

0:06:440:06:48

a go-getter on the management fast track.

0:06:480:06:51

What about Mr Waters?

0:06:510:06:53

Yeah, management training application, please, ma'am.

0:06:530:06:56

How many people have applied for this so far?

0:06:560:06:58

Let's see. Including you?

0:06:580:07:00

About 2,000.

0:07:000:07:01

For how many positions?

0:07:010:07:03

5.

0:07:030:07:04

BELL DINGS

0:07:060:07:07

Thanks, ma'am.

0:07:090:07:10

'Sometimes, as a younger man,

0:07:160:07:18

'I stretched the truth to get what I wanted.'

0:07:180:07:20

WOMAN: Tell me again!

0:07:200:07:21

BARRIS: Head of network sales at 30.

0:07:210:07:23

Head of the entire network by 40!

0:07:230:07:25

I love you, Mr Chuck Barris.

0:07:250:07:28

Management trainee.

0:07:280:07:30

MOANING

0:07:300:07:32

'Life was sweet.'

0:07:340:07:35

Uhh!

0:07:350:07:36

'For a minute.'

0:07:400:07:41

WOMAN ON TV: Everything's either madly exciting

0:07:410:07:43

or madly interesting.

0:07:430:07:46

I hope Sally never bothers herself with you.

0:07:460:07:50

HE RUNS TAP

0:07:520:07:54

I got fired today.

0:07:580:08:00

Fired?

0:08:000:08:02

Yeah, fired.

0:08:020:08:05

Fired?

0:08:050:08:07

What the fuck did you get fired for?

0:08:080:08:10

BARRIS: I don't know. Efficiency cutbacks.

0:08:100:08:12

Some bullshit. Look, it's gonna be fine.

0:08:120:08:15

I'm pregnant.

0:08:180:08:21

So, I figured, I'm gonna skip town.

0:08:260:08:29

I intend to be important, you know?

0:08:290:08:31

I can't be saddled with this.

0:08:310:08:34

Phhhbbt!

0:08:340:08:35

But then I remembered something Carlyle said.

0:08:350:08:39

"Do the duty which lies nearest thee."

0:08:390:08:44

So you see...

0:08:440:08:45

Who's Carlyle?

0:08:450:08:47

Dear God.

0:08:490:08:51

Why do I even bother? HE LAUGHS

0:08:510:08:53

Fuck you, you condescending prick.

0:08:530:08:56

Pregnant?

0:08:580:08:59

Yeah, pregnant.

0:09:000:09:02

Fuck you.

0:09:020:09:04

What the fuck did you get pregnant for?

0:09:040:09:05

Fuck you.

0:09:050:09:06

What do you mean, what the fuck

0:09:060:09:08

did I get pregnant for?

0:09:080:09:09

You got me fucking pregnant, you fuck!

0:09:090:09:11

Well, fuck you! Fuck you.

0:09:110:09:13

Fuckin'...

0:09:130:09:14

Fuck you.

0:09:140:09:16

Fuck!

0:09:160:09:17

Fuck you.

0:09:170:09:19

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ON TV

0:09:220:09:24

GEORGIA: Looks like I was just late.

0:09:270:09:29

Oh, yes, we had a great time.

0:09:350:09:37

The crew loved him

0:09:370:09:39

and loved the show, you know?

0:09:390:09:41

Because it was crazy.

0:09:410:09:42

And we could do anything we wanted to. Sort of.

0:09:420:09:45

And, uh, yeah, they liked him very much.

0:09:450:09:48

He was a good guy.

0:09:480:09:50

Even though he's a prick,

0:09:500:09:51

he's a good guy, too.

0:09:510:09:53

DICK CLARK: ..What is labelled a dream faculty -

0:09:530:09:55

wouldn't school be wonderful

0:09:550:09:57

if we had a faculty like this?

0:09:570:09:58

You read it, all right?

0:09:580:09:59

GIRL: Principal Sal Mineo,

0:09:590:10:01

vice principal Tony Perkins...

0:10:010:10:02

DICK CLARK: Couldn't you see going to a school

0:10:020:10:04

where Sal Mineo is the principal?

0:10:040:10:07

'By '61, I had become a minor suit at ABC.

0:10:070:10:09

'It was during the music payola scandal,

0:10:090:10:11

'so my job was to commute to Philly every day

0:10:110:10:14

'to the American bandstand tapings

0:10:140:10:16

'to keep an eye on Dick Clark.'

0:10:160:10:18

One more lady's choice of the afternoon to go.

0:10:180:10:20

Suppose we make it this one, OK?

0:10:200:10:21

'On weekends,

0:10:230:10:24

'I used to hang around amusement parks

0:10:240:10:26

'because that's where the young girls were.

0:10:260:10:29

'I wrote a song about my experiences.'

0:10:290:10:32

# When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel... #

0:10:320:10:34

'I got it to Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon

0:10:340:10:37

through my friendship with Dick Clark.

0:10:370:10:39

Dick really wanted to help me out.

0:10:390:10:41

Hi.

0:10:410:10:42

What? Hi.

0:10:420:10:45

Oh.

0:10:450:10:46

I wrote this song.

0:10:460:10:48

Huh.

0:10:480:10:49

It's number three on the pop charts. See?

0:10:490:10:54

Uh-huh.

0:10:540:10:55

Yeah.

0:10:550:10:56

I believe there's a great future in television.

0:10:580:11:00

Uh-huh?

0:11:000:11:02

So I'm gonna take my royalties,

0:11:020:11:03

and I'm gonna create a pilot.

0:11:030:11:05

A pilot's what they call a test TV show.

0:11:050:11:08

I work in TV.

0:11:080:11:10

Yeah? What's your name?

0:11:100:11:11

I'm Chuck. Debbie.

0:11:110:11:12

Debbie.

0:11:120:11:14

So, you live in Philly?

0:11:140:11:15

No, I live in Manhattan.

0:11:150:11:16

It's gonna be a game show.

0:11:160:11:18

I believe there's a great future in game shows.

0:11:180:11:20

Oh, that's good.

0:11:200:11:21

Yeah. Everyone loves game shows, right?

0:11:210:11:25

I don't know.

0:11:250:11:26

Well, they do.

0:11:260:11:27

Well, that's great, then.

0:11:270:11:29

BARRIS LAUGHS I'm on my way.

0:11:290:11:31

PENNY: Hello.

0:11:430:11:45

Hi.

0:11:450:11:47

HE BREATHES IN

0:11:470:11:49

Uh...don't be alarmed. I'm here with Debbie.

0:11:490:11:53

Yeah, I figured that.

0:11:530:11:54

Hungry?

0:11:540:11:56

Um, no, thanks.

0:11:560:11:58

Thirsty?

0:11:580:11:59

Sure, if you have a...

0:11:590:12:02

beer or...

0:12:020:12:03

So, how was sex with Debbie?

0:12:100:12:11

I always wanted to know.

0:12:110:12:13

It was good.

0:12:130:12:14

Fine. Thanks for asking.

0:12:140:12:16

No problem.

0:12:160:12:18

I just got fucked by this drummer cat -

0:12:180:12:20

a real righteous Negro hipster.

0:12:200:12:22

Heh. Interesting.

0:12:220:12:24

I'm into the brotherhood of man.

0:12:240:12:26

I fucked an Oriental last week.

0:12:260:12:28

What are you?

0:12:280:12:29

Jew.

0:12:290:12:30

I had one of those once, but he was Sephardic.

0:12:300:12:33

You look Ashke-nazi.

0:12:330:12:34

Ashkenazi.

0:12:340:12:36

Right, Ashke-nazi.

0:12:360:12:37

I haven't had one of those yet.

0:12:370:12:40

You're romantic.

0:12:400:12:42

Yeah. I just don't get into all the bullshit

0:12:420:12:44

between cats and chicks.

0:12:440:12:45

I know what you mean. You know what I mean?

0:12:450:12:47

I know what you mean.

0:12:470:12:48

Besides, you just give your heart to one cat,

0:12:480:12:49

and, you know, you get hurt.

0:12:490:12:51

Don't I know it?

0:12:510:12:52

We could ball if you want.

0:12:560:12:59

LAUGHTER

0:13:000:13:02

Whoa!

0:13:020:13:03

That would be good.

0:13:040:13:05

Yeah, but...

0:13:050:13:07

HE LAUGHS

0:13:070:13:09

I'm kinda here with Debbie.

0:13:090:13:11

It doesn't seem right.

0:13:110:13:12

SHE LAUGHS

0:13:120:13:13

That's true. I didn't think of that.

0:13:170:13:20

Well, I'm gonna go to bed.

0:13:210:13:23

It was nice meeting you.

0:13:230:13:24

Hey, hey, what's... what's your name?

0:13:240:13:26

I'm Penny.

0:13:280:13:30

I'm Chuck.

0:13:300:13:32

Chuck Barris. Yeah.

0:13:320:13:33

Yeah, you wrote that Palisades song.

0:13:330:13:35

I really like that song.

0:13:350:13:36

Oh, thanks.

0:13:360:13:37

Yeah, it's real sentimental bullshit.

0:13:370:13:39

Oh, right.

0:13:390:13:41

# Last night I took a walk after dark

0:13:470:13:50

# A swingin' place called Palisades Park

0:13:500:13:52

# To have some fun and see what I could see

0:13:520:13:56

# That's where the girls are

0:13:560:13:58

# I took a ride on the shoot-the-chute

0:13:580:14:00

# That girl I sat beside was awful cute

0:14:000:14:03

# After it stopped she was holding hands with me

0:14:030:14:07

# My heart was flyin' up

0:14:070:14:10

# Like a rocket ship

0:14:100:14:12

# Down like a roller coaster

0:14:120:14:14

# Back like a loop-the-loop

0:14:140:14:16

# And around like a merry-go-round

0:14:160:14:20

# We ate and ate at a hot dog stand

0:14:200:14:23

# We danced around to a rockin' band

0:14:230:14:25

# And when I could I gave that girl a hug

0:14:250:14:29

# In the tunnel of love

0:14:290:14:31

# You'll never know how great a kiss can feel

0:14:310:14:33

# When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel

0:14:330:14:36

# When I fell in love

0:14:360:14:38

# Down at Palisades Park

0:14:380:14:41

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh! #

0:14:410:14:43

SCREAMING ON CINEMA SCREEN

0:14:430:14:45

PENNY: Last night in my dream,

0:14:500:14:52

this ape and I are sitting

0:14:520:14:53

staring at each other,

0:14:530:14:55

and it was, like, across time and evolution.

0:14:550:14:57

And then he started talking,

0:14:570:14:59

but in a language I didn't really understand.

0:14:590:15:01

SHE LAUGHS

0:15:010:15:02

Swiss, maybe.

0:15:020:15:04

And then he turned into Perry Como -

0:15:040:15:07

real square.

0:15:070:15:09

What's wrong with you?

0:15:090:15:10

Nothing.

0:15:100:15:11

You know, just because we fucked

0:15:110:15:12

doesn't mean there are strings now. It's OK.

0:15:120:15:14

HE LAUGHS OK.

0:15:140:15:15

I just wanted to tell you about my dream.

0:15:150:15:17

Nothing more complicated than that.

0:15:170:15:18

Don't panic.

0:15:180:15:20

I'm just not used to all this...

0:15:200:15:21

all this dating bullshit, you know?

0:15:210:15:23

Now we're a couple. Now I'm obliged

0:15:230:15:24

to give a shit what you say. Is that...?

0:15:240:15:26

Don't worry.

0:15:260:15:27

I'm not into those games, either.

0:15:270:15:29

So anyway, the monkey turns into Perry Como,

0:15:290:15:32

and I say...

0:15:320:15:33

Holy fuck! What?

0:15:330:15:35

Holy, holy fuck! You just gave me an idea...

0:15:350:15:38

for a show. Fuck!

0:15:380:15:40

A show about monkeys?

0:15:400:15:42

No, about people.

0:15:420:15:43

About sex, about romance,

0:15:430:15:46

about the bullshit of dating.

0:15:460:15:49

I call it The Dating Game,

0:15:490:15:51

and that's what it's about, Mr Goldberg.

0:15:510:15:54

A pretty girl asks three handsome guys -

0:15:540:15:58

who she can't see - silly questions,

0:15:580:16:00

and based on their answers,

0:16:000:16:02

she picks one to date, and we pay for the date.

0:16:020:16:06

That's it. That's the show.

0:16:060:16:07

Aah!

0:16:120:16:14

Aah! Aah!

0:16:140:16:15

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

0:16:150:16:18

Hot damn!

0:16:180:16:19

What, what, what?

0:16:190:16:20

They bought it! Yeah!

0:16:200:16:21

They bought it! They bought it!

0:16:210:16:23

They're givin' me 7,500 fuckin' dollars

0:16:230:16:25

to make a pilot!

0:16:250:16:26

Yeah! We gotta go celebrate!

0:16:260:16:28

Let's go roller skating!

0:16:280:16:29

I can't! I got a date!

0:16:290:16:30

Ok, cool. Will you call me after?

0:16:300:16:31

OK! OK!

0:16:310:16:32

OK. Bye! Mwah!

0:16:320:16:34

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

0:16:350:16:37

MUSIC CONTINUES

0:16:560:16:58

BARRIS: I figured I was in.

0:17:240:17:26

All I had to do was get the pilot made...

0:17:260:17:28

..and I'd be a millionaire.

0:17:290:17:31

Everyone would love me.

0:17:310:17:34

Was anyone ever so young?

0:17:340:17:36

No. No.

0:17:370:17:39

No. No.

0:17:390:17:40

No.

0:17:400:17:41

All right. Lose it.

0:17:410:17:43

BARRIS: ABC didn't like The Dating Game.

0:17:430:17:45

They did like a show called Hootenanny.

0:17:450:17:48

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I like this one.

0:17:480:17:50

Well, he-he led an amazingly long life.

0:17:500:17:53

BARRIS: Hooten-fuckin'-nanny.

0:17:530:17:54

What do they know?

0:17:590:18:00

That's...that's long for a dog.

0:18:000:18:02

I don't know. Probably about 70 to you and me.

0:18:040:18:06

Uh-huh.

0:18:110:18:13

It's nine years to every one of ours.

0:18:140:18:18

PENNY LAUGHS

0:18:190:18:20

RUSTLING

0:18:200:18:22

Yeah.

0:18:240:18:25

SHE LAUGHS

0:18:250:18:26

Uh-huh.

0:18:280:18:30

I'm sorry about your show.

0:18:300:18:32

What?

0:18:320:18:34

H-how long has he been dead?

0:18:340:18:36

Jesus, Phoebe, that's...

0:18:360:18:38

Yeah. No, I'll hold on.

0:18:380:18:39

Is that your mom? My sister.

0:18:390:18:41

Come here.

0:18:410:18:43

Oh, yeah. I got you these.

0:18:430:18:45

Listen, Pen, I'm not...

0:18:450:18:46

And I want to tell you something.

0:18:460:18:48

I talked to a psychic today.

0:18:480:18:49

A what? A psychic.

0:18:490:18:51

And she said that you are gonna be very successful.

0:18:510:18:54

Oh, really?

0:18:540:18:55

Very successful.

0:18:550:18:56

Tarot cards?

0:18:560:18:58

Tea leaves. Oh.

0:18:580:19:00

Say that again, Phoebe. I missed it.

0:19:000:19:03

Tuvia? No, why would I have seen her?

0:19:030:19:07

She-she did?

0:19:070:19:09

Who's Tuvia?

0:19:090:19:10

To Manhattan?

0:19:100:19:12

Who's Tuvia?

0:19:120:19:13

Yeah.

0:19:150:19:16

BARRIS: Uh-huh.

0:19:190:19:20

Oh, your niece.

0:19:230:19:24

Divorced? Really?

0:19:240:19:27

I didn't know she got married.

0:19:270:19:29

Yes?

0:19:300:19:31

Hi, Tuvia.

0:19:330:19:35

Well, if it isn't strawberry Dick Barris.

0:19:380:19:41

What do you want? HE LAUGHS

0:19:410:19:43

I'm back in town for a while,

0:19:430:19:45

and I thought maybe...

0:19:450:19:46

Jesus, you gotta be kidding.

0:19:460:19:48

We could go out and get an ice cream cone.

0:19:480:19:49

He's so convincing when he's... HE LAUGHS

0:19:490:19:51

..when he's talkin' with you,

0:19:510:19:53

he could convince you of anything, you know?

0:19:530:19:55

He's one of the very few guys

0:19:550:19:57

I'd like to have on my side...

0:19:570:19:59

on my side in a street fight.

0:19:590:20:01

You wanna fight, you big pile of shit?

0:20:010:20:03

GRUNTING AND SHOUTING

0:20:040:20:06

You're a pretty angry young fella.

0:20:150:20:17

Can't fight worth a damn, though.

0:20:170:20:19

Hey, screw off, queer.

0:20:190:20:21

Don't think I haven't seen you watching me

0:20:210:20:22

in that bar for a week now.

0:20:220:20:24

Kind of a loner, I'd say.

0:20:240:20:25

Fairly bright, a tad anti-social.

0:20:250:20:28

Mad at the world. Can I buy you lunch?

0:20:280:20:30

Look, there's a schoolyard half a block down.

0:20:320:20:34

Why don't you go trollin' there?

0:20:340:20:37

I can teach you at least 30 different ways

0:20:370:20:39

to kill a man with a single blow, Mr Barris.

0:20:390:20:41

It might help in future bar fights.

0:20:410:20:43

Just a thought.

0:20:430:20:45

Oh, and there's money in it -

0:20:450:20:47

good money.

0:20:470:20:48

You know, I figure if I can keep afloat

0:20:490:20:52

until I come up with the next game show idea,

0:20:520:20:54

then all would be copacetic.

0:20:540:20:56

That sounds great, Chuck.

0:20:560:20:58

You know, I've never known

0:20:580:21:00

a television producer before.

0:21:000:21:01

I'm impressed.

0:21:010:21:02

Yeah(!) OK.

0:21:020:21:04

What's this money and a deal you were talking about?

0:21:040:21:06

I work for a government agency.

0:21:060:21:09

We're always looking for good, enthusiastic men

0:21:090:21:11

to help us carry out our directives.

0:21:110:21:14

What kind of work? What government agency?

0:21:200:21:22

Problem-solving work.

0:21:240:21:26

The office of diplomatic security.

0:21:260:21:28

Office of what?

0:21:280:21:31

I never heard of it.

0:21:310:21:32

Is that the fuckin' CIA or something?

0:21:320:21:34

HE LAUGHS

0:21:340:21:37

Please be discreet, Mr Barris.

0:21:370:21:39

(Jesus.)

0:21:510:21:53

Is this the fuckin' CIA?

0:21:530:21:55

Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy.

0:21:560:21:58

Where do I sign up? Are you fuckin' with me?

0:21:580:22:01

You're fuckin' with me, aren't you?

0:22:010:22:02

Hardly.

0:22:020:22:04

And you wouldn't be working for the company.

0:22:040:22:06

You'd be an independent contract agent.

0:22:060:22:09

Independent.

0:22:090:22:10

No official tie to any agency.

0:22:100:22:12

BARRIS GULPS Understand?

0:22:130:22:15

Why me?

0:22:180:22:19

Well, as you know, I've been watching you.

0:22:210:22:23

For quite some time, actually.

0:22:230:22:25

I've only let you know about it for the last week.

0:22:250:22:27

I'm happy to report

0:22:270:22:29

you fit our profile, Mr Barris.

0:22:290:22:32

Are you interested in the work?

0:22:320:22:34

Wh-What's the profile?

0:22:370:22:38

Are you interested in the work, Mr Barris?

0:22:380:22:42

Yeah, sure. I wanna be a secret agent.

0:22:420:22:44

A contract agent, whatever.

0:22:440:22:46

Get to fuck beautiful Eastern European women.

0:22:460:22:48

What we do is very serious, Mr Barris.

0:22:480:22:51

It's essential in quelling

0:22:510:22:52

the rise of communism

0:22:520:22:54

and allowing democracy

0:22:540:22:55

to get its rightful foothold

0:22:550:22:56

around the globe.

0:22:560:22:58

You understand?

0:22:580:23:00

Uh...sure.

0:23:020:23:04

Yeah, uh...

0:23:040:23:05

Yeah, OK. That's good.

0:23:050:23:08

INSTRUCTOR: There are several efficient methods

0:23:220:23:25

for killing a man

0:23:250:23:27

were you to find yourself without a weapon.

0:23:270:23:29

The edge of your hand

0:23:290:23:32

against your adversary's Adam's apple.

0:23:320:23:34

This will crush his windpipe,

0:23:340:23:36

causing strangulation...

0:23:360:23:39

and death.

0:23:390:23:40

Hyuhh!

0:23:430:23:44

MAN ON GROUND GARGLES Shit!

0:23:440:23:47

I need another volunteer.

0:23:490:23:51

You're training me to be a killer.

0:23:530:23:55

See, Chuck? I knew you were fairly bright.

0:23:550:23:58

Look, I'm not killin' people.

0:23:580:23:59

My future's in television.

0:23:590:24:01

You're 32 years old,

0:24:010:24:03

and you've achieved nothing.

0:24:030:24:04

Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33.

0:24:040:24:07

You better get crackin'.

0:24:070:24:08

I have ideas for shows.

0:24:080:24:10

Good. Why don't you spend

0:24:100:24:11

another six months developing them

0:24:110:24:13

while you're staring out the window

0:24:130:24:14

waiting for Larry Goldberg to call?

0:24:140:24:17

How do you know all this?

0:24:170:24:18

I know everything about you, Chuck.

0:24:180:24:20

I know which hand you jerk off with.

0:24:200:24:22

Left.

0:24:220:24:24

Leave in the morning, if you want.

0:24:240:24:25

I'm here to tell you, this is honest work

0:24:250:24:27

for good pay.

0:24:270:24:28

You're making the world safer,

0:24:280:24:30

and your country will be grateful.

0:24:300:24:32

It'll toughen you up.

0:24:330:24:36

W-w-wait a second.

0:24:360:24:38

Hey, we gotta talk about this.

0:24:380:24:40

'And there it was - my defining moment.

0:24:400:24:45

'I wasn't just gonna work for the CIA,

0:24:450:24:47

'I was gonna kill for them.

0:24:470:24:50

'Call it patriotism.'

0:24:510:24:54

GUNFIRE

0:24:540:24:55

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:24:550:24:57

Glycerine is, of course,

0:25:330:25:35

the best known nitrating agent.

0:25:350:25:38

Keep in mind, though, that nitro...glycerine

0:25:380:25:43

is extremely unstable.

0:25:430:25:45

A slight tap...

0:25:470:25:49

a one-degree change in temperature...

0:25:490:25:53

and it'll blow up in your hands.

0:25:530:25:56

So, let's mix us up a batch!

0:25:590:26:01

Everybody take your 75-milliliter beaker

0:26:010:26:04

and fill it up to the 13-milliliter level

0:26:040:26:06

with red-hot fumin' nitric acid -

0:26:060:26:09

98% concentration.

0:26:090:26:11

The field phone -

0:26:140:26:16

used as an instrument of interrogation...

0:26:160:26:19

or torture.

0:26:190:26:20

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

0:26:220:26:23

Attaching firmly to the genitalia.

0:26:250:26:28

FIZZING AND POPPING

0:26:280:26:30

Hey, Ivan!

0:26:300:26:32

Are you now, or have you ever been

0:26:320:26:35

a member of the Communist Party?

0:26:350:26:36

What's your Aunt Tillie's recipe for vodka cookies?

0:26:360:26:40

INSTRUCTOR LAUGHS

0:26:400:26:42

All right, Jack.

0:26:510:26:52

Take care, Lee.

0:26:520:26:54

STARTS ENGINE

0:27:140:27:16

I know a lot about him that you are not gonna know.

0:27:190:27:21

I can't tell you.

0:27:210:27:23

Yeah.

0:27:230:27:24

I know some things about him

0:27:240:27:26

that are very distressing,

0:27:260:27:28

and, um...

0:27:280:27:30

and you wouldn't want to know them about him.

0:27:300:27:33

JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS

0:27:330:27:36

BARRIS: So, what did this guy Renda do, anyway?

0:27:460:27:48

It's your job to follow directives,

0:27:480:27:50

not question their validity.

0:27:500:27:51

BARRIS: Oh... Oh.

0:27:510:27:53

Por favor, uh, senor...

0:27:530:27:55

No hablo ingles.

0:27:550:27:56

Ra-blah-blah los bloteros?

0:27:560:27:58

MAN IN WHITE HAT MUTTERS

0:27:580:27:59

Ra-blah-blah la minjares?

0:27:590:28:02

Hermano, help me, please.

0:28:020:28:03

Senor, no habla ingles.

0:28:030:28:05

No, no, no, no.

0:28:050:28:06

BENITEZ: Can I be of some assistance?

0:28:060:28:08

JIM: He's a bad guy.

0:28:080:28:09

He's one of the bad guys.

0:28:090:28:13

Bad for the US, right, Jim?

0:28:130:28:14

Not bad in an absolute sense,

0:28:140:28:16

just bad for the US.

0:28:160:28:17

Don't fuckin' dance with me.

0:28:170:28:18

Renda's bad for the tea and biscuit company.

0:28:180:28:21

He's bad for me personally.

0:28:210:28:22

You work for me. Renda's bad for me.

0:28:220:28:25

You're now officially a patriotic citizen

0:28:250:28:27

of the United States of Jim Byrd.

0:28:270:28:29

There's no backing out now.

0:28:290:28:30

We've let you in on everything.

0:28:300:28:32

You don't play, you don't leave.

0:28:320:28:33

You understand that?

0:28:330:28:34

You don't play, you don't leave.

0:28:340:28:37

I like you. I do.

0:28:400:28:42

And you're gonna do fine tomorrow,

0:28:420:28:44

and we're gonna become good friends.

0:28:440:28:46

You can have a nice little career,

0:28:520:28:53

but you have to grow up. There's a war on.

0:28:530:28:56

STARTS ENGINE

0:29:030:29:04

INSECTS BUZZING

0:29:160:29:18

"STAR SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYS

0:29:220:29:24

JIM: Beautiful country, isn't it?

0:29:370:29:39

Yeah.

0:29:390:29:40

You did us proud today, Chuck.

0:29:420:29:46

Renda was a bad guy.

0:29:460:29:48

He really was.

0:29:480:29:49

VOMITING

0:29:540:29:56

Chuck, is that you?

0:29:580:29:59

Jesus Christ, Pen.

0:29:590:30:00

You scared the shit out of me.

0:30:000:30:02

Were you throwing up?

0:30:020:30:03

What are you doing here?

0:30:030:30:04

I've been crashing here for a while.

0:30:040:30:05

I've been waiting for you. Where you been?

0:30:050:30:07

Mexico. I was just on a little vacation.

0:30:070:30:09

Oh, you didn't drink the water, did you?

0:30:090:30:11

Y-Yeah.

0:30:110:30:12

Oh, you're not supposed to.

0:30:120:30:13

That's Montessori's Revenge.

0:30:130:30:15

Uh, Montezuma's. Right.

0:30:150:30:16

I mean, you can't even open your eyes or your mouth

0:30:160:30:18

when you take a shower there.

0:30:180:30:20

Why is our water so good, and their water is poisoned?

0:30:200:30:22

It's in the same ocean.

0:30:220:30:23

I don't know. I don't know.

0:30:230:30:25

Oh.

0:30:250:30:26

Huh.

0:30:260:30:28

Um...

0:30:280:30:30

I'm a hippie now.

0:30:300:30:31

BOTH LAUGH

0:30:310:30:32

Wow.

0:30:320:30:34

I've been to San Francisco,

0:30:340:30:35

And it's amazing there.

0:30:350:30:36

SNAPS FINGERS Everybody loves everybody,

0:30:360:30:39

and there's so many colours.

0:30:390:30:40

And we're going to change the world.

0:30:400:30:42

Will you come back there and be my old man with me?

0:30:440:30:46

Ha ha! Uh...

0:30:460:30:47

Well, not that old.

0:30:470:30:49

Penny, I'm a little tired now, so maybe...

0:30:490:30:51

Oh, wait, wait. I got to play you this song.

0:30:510:30:53

MUSIC: "Sunshine Superman" by Donovan

0:30:580:31:00

Penny. Penny, what did you do to my wall?

0:31:180:31:21

Oh, some guy called -

0:31:210:31:23

Gold Bird.

0:31:230:31:25

Gold Bird. Larry Goldberg?

0:31:250:31:27

You... You're kidding me!

0:31:270:31:29

Hi. This is Chuck Barris returning for Larry Goldberg.

0:31:290:31:33

'Hi, Chuck.'

0:31:330:31:34

Mr Goldberg.

0:31:340:31:36

I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you right away.

0:31:360:31:38

I was out of town. I was on vacation in Mexico.

0:31:380:31:40

'Well, good for you.

0:31:400:31:41

'Listen, I'm sitting here and going through things,

0:31:410:31:43

'and I have a hole in my daytime schedule.

0:31:430:31:46

'I think it might be right for you and your baby.'

0:31:460:31:47

My... My baby, Mr Goldberg?

0:31:470:31:49

'Chuck, Dating Game.

0:31:490:31:51

'Isn't that your baby?'

0:31:510:31:52

Yes, sir, it is.

0:31:520:31:53

'Well, you still interested?'

0:31:530:31:54

Yes, sir. Very interested.

0:31:540:31:56

'Well, I've got six weeks to get this on the air.

0:31:560:31:58

'Is that doable for you and your people?'

0:31:580:32:00

Uh, my people?

0:32:000:32:01

Six weeks? Sure, yeah.

0:32:010:32:04

'Well, give me a call when you get to LA, Chuck.'

0:32:040:32:06

Oh, goddamn.

0:32:080:32:11

Hot dog.

0:32:110:32:13

Fucking shit. Piss.

0:32:130:32:15

Who's Larry Goldberg?

0:32:150:32:17

STOMACH GURGLES

0:32:170:32:20

APPLAUSE

0:32:200:32:21

Bachelor number one,

0:32:210:32:24

what would I like most about you?

0:32:240:32:27

I'm very romantic,

0:32:270:32:30

and I'd send you flowers every day.

0:32:300:32:32

BACHELORETTE: Aw, that's so sweet.

0:32:320:32:34

Bachelor number three, what would I like most about you?

0:32:340:32:38

My big cock.

0:32:380:32:40

LAUGHTER

0:32:400:32:43

LIGHT APPLAUSE

0:32:430:32:46

LAUGHS

0:32:460:32:48

BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number one,

0:32:480:32:50

What nationality are you?

0:32:500:32:52

BACHELOR NUMBER ONE: Um...

0:32:520:32:53

My daddy is Welsh,

0:32:530:32:55

My mama's Hungarian,

0:32:550:32:57

so I guess that makes me well-hung.

0:32:570:33:00

LAUGHTER

0:33:000:33:03

Bachelor number two,

0:33:030:33:06

I play the trombone.

0:33:060:33:07

If I blew you, what would you sound like?

0:33:070:33:11

BACHELOR NUMBER TWO: What would I sound like?

0:33:110:33:13

LAUGHS

0:33:130:33:14

All right.

0:33:140:33:16

Ooh.

0:33:160:33:18

Ooh.

0:33:180:33:20

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

0:33:200:33:23

Ooh. Ooh.

0:33:230:33:26

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

0:33:260:33:29

Ooh.

0:33:290:33:31

That's nice. Don't stop.

0:33:310:33:33

Oh.

0:33:330:33:34

IMITATES TROMBONE

0:33:340:33:36

Blow it, baby.

0:33:400:33:42

IMITATES TROMBONE PLAYING SHAKILY

0:33:420:33:45

SHOES SQUEAK

0:33:470:33:49

Heh heh.

0:33:490:33:51

Chuck, quite frankly,

0:33:520:33:53

these episodes are unairable.

0:33:530:33:55

CHUCK: Look, Larry,

0:33:550:33:57

the show's spontaneous.

0:33:570:33:58

It's unscripted. That's its charm.

0:33:580:34:01

I can't help what people say.

0:34:010:34:02

< Be that as it may, Mr Barris,

0:34:020:34:03

we can't have black men

0:34:030:34:05

getting blow jobs on national television!

0:34:050:34:07

The point is not that he's black, Hank.

0:34:070:34:09

HANK: Well, I know that.

0:34:090:34:10

LARRY: Chuck, that's it. We can't air this stuff.

0:34:100:34:12

If you can't retain your spontaneity

0:34:120:34:14

on the show without this lewd conduct,

0:34:140:34:16

it's over, it's finished, you're history.

0:34:160:34:19

Now, you fix this fucking thing,

0:34:190:34:20

or we got a problem.

0:34:200:34:21

Hi, folks.

0:34:240:34:26

Before we begin taping today,

0:34:260:34:27

I'd like to introduce you to Mr Peter Jenks

0:34:270:34:30

of the Federal Communications Commission.

0:34:300:34:32

OK?

0:34:320:34:33

Thank you, Mr Barris.

0:34:370:34:38

I don't know if any of you

0:34:520:34:56

are aware of this...

0:34:560:34:58

..but it's a federal offence

0:34:590:35:02

to make lascivious remarks

0:35:020:35:04

on a television network broadcast.

0:35:040:35:07

The penalty...

0:35:100:35:12

..for this disgusting...

0:35:150:35:17

..un-American...

0:35:200:35:22

behaviour...

0:35:220:35:24

is one year in prison

0:35:240:35:27

or a 10,000 fine...

0:35:270:35:30

or both!

0:35:300:35:32

Anyone...

0:35:340:35:36

making a sick subversive remark tonight

0:35:360:35:40

will be arrested immediately.

0:35:400:35:43

I, then, will personally escort

0:35:430:35:44

the offender to federal prison

0:35:440:35:46

for booking under edict number 364

0:35:460:35:48

of the Broadcasting Act of 1963.

0:35:480:35:52

And it's a long drive to that prison, baby.

0:35:520:35:56

Just you and me.

0:35:560:35:59

No witnesses!

0:35:590:36:02

CHUCK: OK, have fun, everybody.

0:36:180:36:20

All right.

0:36:200:36:21

They gave everybody jackets

0:36:210:36:23

with their names on them,

0:36:230:36:24

and when we got number one ratings

0:36:240:36:26

on Saturday nights,

0:36:260:36:27

everybody got a gold plaque.

0:36:270:36:29

And so, he was a good boss,

0:36:290:36:31

and obviously had the common touch,

0:36:310:36:33

because he really knew

0:36:330:36:35

what people wanted to watch.

0:36:350:36:36

BARRIS: 'We aired and became a big hit.

0:36:360:36:40

'A phenomenon, really.'

0:36:400:36:41

Hey, baby.

0:36:410:36:44

I got a story to tell you.

0:36:440:36:45

Asshole. I know, I know.

0:36:460:36:48

Uhh. I got a little story for you.

0:36:480:36:50

I'm busy. We're in the middle

0:36:500:36:52

of a bachelorette crisis out there.

0:36:520:36:53

Oh, sit down, relax.

0:36:530:36:55

Take a load off. Make yourself at home.

0:36:550:36:57

I just got a call from the network. You want a drink?

0:36:570:36:59

You got any weed?

0:36:590:37:00

I wish. No, no weed.

0:37:000:37:03

Then I'll have a drink.

0:37:030:37:04

Bad news?

0:37:050:37:06

The Tammy Grimes Show is being pulled

0:37:060:37:07

from Saturday night.

0:37:070:37:09

LORETTA: Oh, not Tammy.

0:37:090:37:11

Ha ha ha ha.

0:37:110:37:12

They want me to put a primetime version

0:37:120:37:13

of The Dating Game on in its place.

0:37:130:37:15

That's fucking great.

0:37:170:37:18

Yeah, it's great, it's great,

0:37:180:37:19

but they say the daytime version is not hot enough.

0:37:190:37:21

They want me to make it more exciting for night time.

0:37:210:37:23

I got 48 hours.

0:37:230:37:25

What have you got?

0:37:260:37:28

SIGHS

0:37:280:37:30

I don't have a clue.

0:37:300:37:31

I got nothing. I got bupkus.

0:37:310:37:32

This is a big deal, Loretta.

0:37:320:37:34

This could be my big break.

0:37:340:37:35

I know.

0:37:350:37:37

Don't blow it.

0:37:400:37:41

Oh, thanks for the help.

0:37:410:37:43

SIGHS

0:37:470:37:49

SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

0:37:510:37:53

Let me ask you something, Chuck.

0:38:040:38:06

Jesus. What the...?

0:38:060:38:07

What are you doing here?

0:38:070:38:09

You see, I've been put in charge

0:38:090:38:10

of a fairly large wet operation,

0:38:100:38:12

and I could use your help.

0:38:120:38:14

SCOFFS

0:38:140:38:15

DOOR CLOSES

0:38:150:38:16

Have you noticed, Jim? I got a TV show on the air.

0:38:180:38:19

I don't need to kill people for hire any more.

0:38:190:38:21

I know you don't need to, but you like to.

0:38:210:38:24

Bullshit.

0:38:240:38:25

Think of it as a hobby -

0:38:250:38:27

something you do to relax.

0:38:270:38:29

You can be an assassination enthusiast,

0:38:290:38:31

a murder bug.

0:38:310:38:32

I got important things to think about here.

0:38:320:38:34

I don't have time to fuck around with you.

0:38:340:38:35

This is serious work we're talking about, Chuck -

0:38:350:38:37

serious work.

0:38:370:38:39

Now, how about I help you out with your little show,

0:38:390:38:42

you help me out with my little operation?

0:38:420:38:43

Tit for tat. That's the kind of guy I am.

0:38:430:38:45

Oh, yeah. You're a piece of work.

0:38:450:38:47

I've seen this Dating Game of yours, Chuck,

0:38:470:38:49

and I do have a thought.

0:38:490:38:50

What, now you're a big television producer?

0:38:500:38:53

Hey, I'm John Q Public when it comes to TV,

0:38:530:38:55

and that should make my opinion of value to you.

0:38:550:38:59

All right, let's hear it, then.

0:38:590:39:00

All right.

0:39:000:39:02

What do you have? Some couple gets sent

0:39:020:39:04

to some second-rate shit-can restaurant

0:39:040:39:06

and set you back 50 bucks?

0:39:060:39:08

That's not too exciting a prize

0:39:080:39:09

for us vicarious living boobs

0:39:090:39:11

out in TV land.

0:39:110:39:12

What's your point?

0:39:120:39:13

Up the stakes, Chuck.

0:39:130:39:14

Send them to some exotic locale -

0:39:140:39:16

Europe, southeast Asia, for example.

0:39:160:39:20

The network's not going to let me send

0:39:210:39:22

two unmarried kids on vacation together.

0:39:220:39:24

Send them with a chaperone.

0:39:240:39:25

That's...

0:39:290:39:30

That's not half bad.

0:39:350:39:36

I'm telling you.

0:39:360:39:38

Sometimes you could be the chaperone.

0:39:380:39:40

Say we have a job for you in Austria.

0:39:400:39:43

You, a successful television producer,

0:39:430:39:45

chaperones a young couple.

0:39:450:39:47

While you're there, you take care

0:39:470:39:48

of some company business.

0:39:480:39:49

It's a perfect cover.

0:39:490:39:51

TV producer by day,

0:39:510:39:52

CIA operative at night.

0:39:520:39:54

I got money, Jim.

0:39:540:39:55

I don't have to kill people for money any more.

0:39:550:39:58

Chuck, when I said you fit the profile,

0:39:580:39:59

very little of that meant you needed the money.

0:39:590:40:02

You liked it with Renda.

0:40:020:40:03

I saw it in your eyes.

0:40:030:40:06

You liked it, but you botched it.

0:40:060:40:08

You could be a great warrior, Chuck.

0:40:110:40:13

BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number three,

0:40:130:40:15

if we were fixed up on a date,

0:40:150:40:17

and I ignored you...

0:40:170:40:18

This guy's never been on a date.

0:40:180:40:20

SNAPS FINGERS Ready, four. Take four.

0:40:200:40:22

Well, I'm not used to being ignored,

0:40:220:40:24

But I would... I'd give you your space.

0:40:240:40:26

The only date this guy's had is with his right hand.

0:40:260:40:29

BOTH LAUGH

0:40:290:40:31

Ready, one. Take one.

0:40:310:40:33

LAUGHTER

0:40:330:40:35

Bachelor number three, what if I pick you...

0:40:350:40:38

DIRECTOR: God, she's going for the three.

0:40:380:40:40

What would you do?

0:40:400:40:41

SNAPS FINGERS Ready, four. Take four.

0:40:410:40:42

The only way that you could be ugly

0:40:420:40:44

is by what you say or do.

0:40:440:40:47

I don't know. From where I'm sitting,

0:40:470:40:49

I-I think you're beautiful.

0:40:490:40:50

DIRECTOR: I can't believe it.

0:40:500:40:51

BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number three,

0:40:510:40:53

can you please tell me what a girl is like

0:40:530:40:54

who has never been on a date before

0:40:540:40:56

and how you can tell?

0:40:560:40:59

Well...

0:40:590:41:00

I'll ask her what she likes to do,

0:41:000:41:03

and if she doesn't know what she likes to do,

0:41:030:41:06

then I'll know she hasn't done it yet.

0:41:060:41:08

APPLAUSE

0:41:080:41:09

INCIDENTAL GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS

0:41:090:41:11

BACHELOR NUMBER THREE: Why don't you talk to her?

0:41:210:41:23

You can do that.

0:41:230:41:25

She's real shy.

0:41:250:41:28

You have to tell her. That's your job.

0:41:280:41:30

Tell her that I think she's real pretty,

0:41:300:41:33

and I want to be her boyfriend.

0:41:330:41:36

I'm shy, too.

0:41:360:41:38

You got to tell her that, Chuck.

0:41:380:41:40

I used to skate when I was young.

0:41:400:41:41

I told her that. She didn't even look at me.

0:41:410:41:44

You got to talk to her, Chuck.

0:41:440:41:45

It's your job.

0:41:450:41:46

She picked me. She didn't pick those other guys.

0:41:460:41:49

You're the chaperone, Chuck.

0:41:490:41:52

She called me gay.

0:41:560:41:57

I'm not gay.

0:41:570:41:59

You got to tell her that.

0:41:590:42:01

You're not doing your job very well.

0:42:010:42:03

I mean, I-I know it takes time

0:42:030:42:04

for people to get to know each other,

0:42:040:42:06

but this is ridiculous.

0:42:060:42:08

They... They thought he was...

0:42:080:42:11

He... They sort of walked a straight line,

0:42:110:42:13

because they used to talk about him,

0:42:130:42:15

saying, you know, "This guy, he can turn on you."

0:42:150:42:17

You know, and I never saw that side,

0:42:170:42:20

but a lot of the crew thought

0:42:200:42:21

he could turn on them.

0:42:210:42:23

Chuck?

0:42:230:42:25

SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

0:42:270:42:29

BARRIS: Helsinki is wonderful

0:42:290:42:30

this time of year.

0:42:300:42:32

Especially the snow.

0:42:320:42:36

It affords one solitude,

0:42:360:42:38

even in a city full of people.

0:42:380:42:40

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

0:42:530:42:57

By you.

0:42:570:42:58

SIGHS

0:43:020:43:05

Helsinki is wonderful

0:43:050:43:06

this time of year, isn't it?

0:43:060:43:08

Yes, it is.

0:43:080:43:10

Oh, I'm sorry.

0:43:170:43:18

Um...

0:43:180:43:21

Excuse me.

0:43:290:43:30

Helsinki is wonderful

0:43:420:43:44

this time of year, isn't it?

0:43:440:43:46

Especially the snow.

0:43:460:43:48

It affords one solitude,

0:43:480:43:49

even in a city full of people.

0:43:490:43:51

Hey...

0:43:510:43:52

I'm Chuck. Ahem.

0:43:550:43:57

So I gathered.

0:43:570:44:00

And you are?

0:44:000:44:01

Here you are, Chuck.

0:44:030:44:05

At least give me a made-up name -

0:44:070:44:09

something for me to cry out

0:44:090:44:12

during those dark nights of the soul.

0:44:120:44:14

Cry out, "Olivia".

0:44:180:44:20

That's Twelfth Night.

0:44:210:44:23

Very good, Chuck.

0:44:230:44:26

I'm pleasantly surprised.

0:44:260:44:29

You're not like the other murderers.

0:44:290:44:32

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:44:420:44:44

MAN: Here.

0:44:470:44:49

Do you have it?

0:44:490:44:51

Do you have it?

0:44:510:44:52

Oh, sorry.

0:44:520:44:54

Don't worry. We're not going to cheat you.

0:44:590:45:00

Yeah, just the same.

0:45:000:45:02

Oop. Sorry about your teeth.

0:45:020:45:04

FIRES WITH SILENCER

0:45:040:45:05

BODY FALLS

0:45:050:45:07

FIRES WITH SILENCER

0:45:070:45:09

Chuck?

0:45:190:45:20

Chuck?

0:45:240:45:26

MUSIC FADES

0:45:490:45:52

EXHALING, WHISTLING

0:45:520:45:54

HUMS

0:45:580:46:00

"MOONLIGHT SONATA" PLAYS

0:46:000:46:02

Olivia?

0:46:070:46:08

It's Patricia, actually.

0:46:130:46:16

PATRICIA: So, then I spent a year in Operation Chaos

0:46:160:46:18

inside the anti-war movement,

0:46:180:46:20

nudging it towards violence to discredit it.

0:46:200:46:23

That was fun.

0:46:230:46:25

It sounds fun. It sounds fun.

0:46:250:46:28

So, tell me, Patricia,

0:46:280:46:29

why did you come up here tonight?

0:46:290:46:32

Ahem.

0:46:330:46:35

I don't know. Um...

0:46:350:46:37

You're kind of cute in a homely sort of way, and...

0:46:370:46:41

..it's lonely when the civilian you're fucking

0:46:430:46:46

calls out the name on your fake passport.

0:46:460:46:48

All the information I have about myself

0:46:480:46:50

is from forged documents.

0:46:500:46:53

Nabokov.

0:46:560:46:57

MOONLIGHT SONATA CONTINUES

0:46:570:46:59

GLASS SHATTERS

0:47:160:47:17

OBJECTS CLATTER

0:47:170:47:19

Wait, wait. Wait, wait.

0:47:290:47:30

Actually, I just got to go into the bathroom

0:47:300:47:31

and take care of something.

0:47:310:47:33

Leave the microfilm in, baby.

0:47:350:47:37

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

0:47:380:47:40

# Hoo!

0:47:400:47:41

# Huhh! #

0:47:440:47:45

Chuck, Chuck.

0:47:450:47:46

# Hey! #

0:47:460:47:47

Do you know when my episode is going to air?

0:47:500:47:54

OK.

0:47:540:47:55

Well, see you, Chuck. Bye.

0:47:550:47:57

BYRD: Chuck, this is Simon Oliver.

0:47:570:47:59

- Hey. - Everything go OK?

0:47:590:48:01

You don't look too good.

0:48:010:48:02

Mr Barris, do not ever again

0:48:020:48:04

jeopardise one of my missions

0:48:040:48:05

by having a game show contestant

0:48:050:48:06

standing around as a witness.

0:48:060:48:07

Is that understood?

0:48:070:48:08

You're welcome, pal.

0:48:080:48:10

Do I make myself clear?

0:48:100:48:11

Fuck you. They're my contestants.

0:48:110:48:13

You are a bloody amateur.

0:48:130:48:15

You're a faggot. Chuck.

0:48:150:48:16

OLIVER: Tell me, Mr Barris.

0:48:160:48:18

Are you in possession of my microfilm?

0:48:180:48:20

Yeah, I got it.

0:48:200:48:21

Let's have it, then.

0:48:210:48:22

It's up my ass, Oliver.

0:48:220:48:23

Why don't you reach on up there and get it?

0:48:230:48:25

What is this shit?

0:48:250:48:26

I just feel I deserve a little appreciation

0:48:260:48:28

for my efforts here, Jim.

0:48:280:48:30

What do you think Patricia Watson was?

0:48:300:48:33

Prick.

0:48:380:48:40

EUBANKS: Really? OK. He said

0:48:400:48:41

he dated none of them. That's right.

0:48:410:48:43

APPLAUSE

0:48:430:48:45

Sandra?

0:48:470:48:48

- Um, six of them. - Six of them.

0:48:480:48:51

Well, if it isn't the hit man.

0:48:510:48:53

What?

0:48:530:48:55

The hit man.

0:48:550:48:57

ALL: Surprise!

0:48:570:48:59

CHEERING

0:48:590:49:02

ABC's going to pick up The newlywed game!

0:49:020:49:03

Daytime and primetime!

0:49:030:49:04

You're kidding me! Oh, my god!

0:49:040:49:06

That's sensational. You mean it?

0:49:060:49:08

Fantastic!

0:49:080:49:09

Whoo!

0:49:090:49:10

EUBANKS: OK, here's the last of our five-point questions.

0:49:100:49:13

Girls, tell me where, specifically,

0:49:130:49:15

is the weirdest place

0:49:150:49:17

that you personally, girls,

0:49:170:49:19

have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee.

0:49:190:49:22

The weirdest place. Olga?

0:49:220:49:26

Um...

0:49:260:49:28

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:49:280:49:30

EUBANKS: Yes, Olga?

0:49:310:49:32

In the ass?

0:49:340:49:36

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:49:360:49:38

No, no, no.

0:49:380:49:39

No, the...

0:49:390:49:40

HUSBAND: It's still there.

0:49:400:49:41

No, no. What I'm talking about

0:49:410:49:43

is the weirdest location, the weirdest place. Yeah.

0:49:430:49:46

LAUGHS I don't know.

0:49:460:49:49

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:49:490:49:51

Oh!

0:49:530:49:54

EUBANKS: Olga...

0:49:550:49:57

HUSBAND: Yeah?

0:49:570:49:59

Olga, the word is the location or place.

0:49:590:50:01

You know what I mean?

0:50:010:50:02

# Mucha muchacha

0:50:020:50:04

# Mucha muchacha

0:50:040:50:06

# Mucha muchacha

0:50:060:50:08

# Mucha muchacha

0:50:080:50:10

# Mucha muchacha

0:50:100:50:12

# Mucha muchacha

0:50:120:50:15

# Mucha muchacha

0:50:150:50:17

# Ba ba ba ba baile

0:50:170:50:19

# Ba

0:50:280:50:30

# Ah

0:50:300:50:32

# Ah

0:50:320:50:35

# Ba ba ba ba ba-ba-ba

0:50:350:50:37

# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa

0:50:370:50:39

# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa

0:50:390:50:41

# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa

0:50:410:50:43

# Ra pa ra pa ba ra pa

0:50:430:50:46

# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa

0:50:460:50:48

# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa! #

0:50:480:50:50

BARRIS: I liked Penny.

0:50:510:50:53

I even loved her, in my way.

0:50:530:50:55

But the idea of tying myself down

0:50:550:50:58

for the rest of my life...

0:50:580:51:01

I remember my parents' marriage.

0:51:010:51:04

We need a new icebox.

0:51:040:51:06

RADIO PLAYS FAINTLY

0:51:060:51:08

THE NEWLYWED GAME THEME PLAYS

0:51:120:51:14

APPLAUSE

0:51:210:51:23

AUDIENCE: Ooh...

0:51:290:51:31

BARRIS: The Newlywed Game

0:51:320:51:34

was based on my theory that almost any American

0:51:340:51:36

would sell out their spouse

0:51:360:51:38

for a washer, dryer,

0:51:380:51:39

or a lawn mower you can ride on.

0:51:390:51:41

Such was my respect

0:51:410:51:43

for that most holy of unions.

0:51:430:51:46

PENNY: "Interpet".

0:51:470:51:48

CHUCK: Interpret.

0:51:480:51:49

Oh. Well, do you have an extra R I can borrow?

0:51:490:51:52

I'm not going to give you a letter.

0:51:520:51:54

You're lucky I don't make you forfeit a turn.

0:51:540:51:56

Oh, OK.

0:51:560:51:58

You look cute today, Pen.

0:51:580:52:00

I always look cute. Don't distract me.

0:52:000:52:03

BLOWS

0:52:030:52:06

What was I going to say?

0:52:060:52:07

I don't know. What were you going to say?

0:52:070:52:10

MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY

0:52:100:52:12

I think we should get married,

0:52:140:52:17

because we've known each other forever,

0:52:170:52:19

and we've fucked each other forever.

0:52:190:52:22

And you think I'm cute, you just said.

0:52:220:52:25

And you always come to me when you're in trouble,

0:52:250:52:28

and I'm nothing like your mother, and we could...

0:52:280:52:30

What does that mean? What is that?

0:52:300:52:32

I'm just kidding.

0:52:340:52:37

Don't ask me to marry you again, OK?

0:52:370:52:39

# I don't use a knife

0:52:390:52:42

# Don't need a gun... #

0:52:420:52:44

BARRIS: I couldn't breathe.

0:52:450:52:47

I was drowning.

0:52:470:52:49

And what the fuck did my mother have to do with it?

0:52:490:52:52

So I made a call.

0:52:520:52:54

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

0:53:110:53:13

BYRD: Over here, strawberry dick.

0:53:150:53:17

CHUCK: How do you know those things?

0:53:250:53:26

BYRD: We even know what she actually thought

0:53:260:53:28

it tasted like.

0:53:280:53:29

Really? I could never find that out.

0:53:290:53:30

What'd she think?

0:53:300:53:31

That's on a need-to-know basis, my friend.

0:53:310:53:34

What can I do for you?

0:53:340:53:36

I really need something, Jim.

0:53:360:53:38

I need something for my head.

0:53:380:53:40

I got something for your head.

0:53:440:53:46

LANGE: And you're going on your date

0:53:490:53:50

to fabulous West Berlin, Germany.

0:53:500:53:54

DATING GAME THEME PLAYS

0:53:540:53:57

APPLAUSE

0:54:010:54:03

MUSIC FADES

0:54:130:54:15

ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS

0:54:150:54:16

The name's Hans Colbert.

0:54:160:54:18

Other side of the wall.

0:54:180:54:20

We don't like him very much.

0:54:200:54:22

You'll be working with a Kraut named Keeler.

0:54:220:54:25

He's been tailing Colbert for a month,

0:54:250:54:27

knows the routine. Keeler's a drunk,

0:54:270:54:29

so stay sober and take charge.

0:54:290:54:32

It's done and done.

0:54:320:54:35

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:54:350:54:37

Kill for me, baby.

0:54:370:54:40

RUMBLING

0:54:500:54:53

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

0:54:530:54:55

COUGHS

0:55:020:55:04

CLICK

0:55:170:55:19

KEELER WRITING

0:55:480:55:50

What are you writing, Sieg?

0:56:080:56:10

Just keeping track

0:56:130:56:15

of anything that happens in the...

0:56:150:56:16

SPEAKS GERMAN

0:56:160:56:18

Ah.

0:56:230:56:25

ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS

0:56:350:56:37

MAN: Ja.

0:56:410:56:42

CHUCK: What do you say?

0:56:420:56:43

Too many people.

0:56:450:56:48

LAUGHING

0:56:510:56:53

MUSIC STOPS

0:56:560:56:58

KEELER WHISTLES FAINTLY

0:57:020:57:04

Chuck.

0:57:100:57:12

Chuck.

0:57:120:57:13

All right.

0:57:130:57:14

Take the camera.

0:57:140:57:16

What is this?

0:57:160:57:18

Aah!

0:57:180:57:19

What the...?!

0:57:200:57:22

MUFFLED YELLS

0:57:250:57:27

Take a picture.

0:57:270:57:29

Take a what?

0:57:290:57:30

Take a picture.

0:57:300:57:31

Picture. Come on.

0:57:330:57:36

Take a picture.

0:57:360:57:37

Danke schon.

0:57:410:57:43

He would disappear for, you know,

0:59:000:59:02

a week or so at a time,

0:59:020:59:03

and his secretary would just say he's out of town.

0:59:030:59:05

We didn't know where he went, so...

0:59:050:59:07

I don't know, um... whether it's true or not.

0:59:070:59:09

I-I couldn't say.

0:59:090:59:11

BARRIS: The only reason the KGB didn't kill me

0:59:290:59:32

was they needed me

0:59:320:59:33

to trade for one of their Russian agents.

0:59:330:59:36

I promised myself if I got out of this,

0:59:480:59:51

I'd live my life differently.

0:59:510:59:53

I'd throw myself into work,

0:59:530:59:55

into life.

0:59:550:59:57

Penny. I needed to see Penny again.

0:59:571:00:02

And tell Byrd I'm out... for good.

1:00:021:00:05

If I could just make it past this one last man...

1:00:071:00:10

This one...

1:00:101:00:12

last...

1:00:121:00:14

I don't know what was worse...

1:00:311:00:34

That I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor

1:00:341:00:38

or that it took seven of us to replace him.

1:00:381:00:41

SHEEP BLEATS

1:00:411:00:43

You're still in one piece?

1:00:481:00:50

CHUCK: Where the fuck you been?

1:00:501:00:52

Did you have a nice flight?

1:00:521:00:53

Fuck you! Where you been? I got one contact, Jim,

1:00:531:00:56

and it's you, and if you disappear, I got no-one.

1:00:561:00:58

You understand?

1:00:581:00:59

MUSIC BLARES

1:00:591:01:00

# I tip my hat to the new constitution... #

1:01:001:01:05

# If I had a hammer

1:01:301:01:33

# I'd a-hammer in the morning

1:01:331:01:36

# I'd a-hammer in the evening... #

1:01:361:01:38

FEMALE EXECUTIVE: She's good, huh?

1:01:381:01:39

She's very good. Very good.

1:01:391:01:41

That's great. That's great.

1:01:411:01:43

That's fine. Thank you so much.

1:01:431:01:44

But I can sing the whole song.

1:01:441:01:46

That was wonderful. Great.

1:01:461:01:47

That was enough. That was fine.

1:01:471:01:49

All right. Bring in the next thing.

1:01:491:01:51

Aw, Christ, there's gotta be somebody in America

1:01:511:01:54

with some talent.

1:01:541:01:55

Hi!

1:01:551:01:57

FEMALE EXECUTIVE: Now, I saw her in a little club.

1:01:571:02:01

You're gonna love her.

1:02:011:02:02

PLAYING GUITAR

1:02:021:02:04

SINGS ATONALLY: # If I had a hammer

1:02:061:02:09

# I'd hammer in the morning

1:02:091:02:12

# I'd hammer in the evening

1:02:121:02:15

# All over this land

1:02:151:02:18

# I'd hammer out danger

1:02:181:02:22

# I'd hammer out a warning

1:02:221:02:25

# I'd hammer out love between

1:02:251:02:28

# My brothers and my sisters

1:02:281:02:31

# All over this

1:02:311:02:33

# Land... #

1:02:331:02:34

BELL TOLLS

1:02:371:02:39

# All over this

1:02:391:02:41

# Land. # GONG CLANGS

1:02:411:02:45

# If I were a... #

1:02:451:02:46

Oh, no, thank you, thank you!

1:02:461:02:47

That's great. Fantastic!

1:02:471:02:49

That was great. We'll be in touch.

1:02:521:02:54

Thank you. Thank you.

1:02:541:02:55

We've been going about this all wrong.

1:02:551:02:57

Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts,

1:02:571:02:59

we just put bad ones and kill them!

1:02:591:03:01

Chuck, honestly, this - and I know you like them -

1:03:011:03:03

this is torture.

1:03:031:03:05

No, no, no, no. We kill 'em before they're through.

1:03:051:03:07

As soon as it gets unbearable,

1:03:071:03:08

we kill 'em - dead!

1:03:081:03:10

GONG SHOW THEME PLAYS

1:03:111:03:13

Ladies and gentlemen, this act...

1:03:131:03:16

Ah! Oh, this is so good! I love this, man.

1:03:161:03:19

This next act answers the age-old question -

1:03:191:03:22

if you wear a cellophane... If you -

1:03:221:03:26

Whish! OK.

1:03:261:03:27

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1:03:271:03:28

If you wear... Ha-ha!

1:03:281:03:30

..a cellophane suit,

1:03:301:03:32

can people clearly see you're nuts?

1:03:321:03:35

I don't know.

1:03:351:03:37

A little humour, folks.

1:03:371:03:38

All the way from Pacoima,

1:03:381:03:41

Mick Donnelly!

1:03:411:03:43

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

1:03:431:03:44

MUSIC PLAYS

1:03:441:03:47

OFF-KEY: # Raindrops keep falling on my head

1:03:471:03:50

# Just like the guy

1:03:501:03:52

# Whose feet are too big for his bed

1:03:521:03:55

# Nothin' seems to fit Those

1:03:551:03:58

# Raindrops are fallin' on my head

1:03:581:03:59

# They keep fallin'

1:03:591:04:02

# So I just did me some talkin' to the sun

1:04:021:04:06

# And I said I didn't like

1:04:061:04:08

# The way he got things done

1:04:081:04:10

# Sleepin' on the job Those... #

1:04:101:04:13

BARRIS: Who could have known there were so many Americans

1:04:131:04:16

just waiting for the opportunity to get on TV

1:04:161:04:19

and make an ass out of themselves?

1:04:191:04:22

# Raindrops keep fallin' on my head

1:04:221:04:24

# But that doesn't mean my eyes

1:04:241:04:25

# Will soon be turnin' red... #

1:04:251:04:27

BOOING

1:04:271:04:29

# Cryin's not for me

1:04:291:04:31

# Cos I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'

1:04:311:04:35

# Because I'm... #

1:04:351:04:36

GONG

1:04:361:04:37

We'll be back...

1:04:391:04:41

with more...stuff

1:04:411:04:43

right after this message.

1:04:431:04:45

You know what the sad part about it is -

1:04:491:04:51

Barris has a reputation for lowering the bar of television

1:04:511:04:54

and the standards and all, but...

1:04:541:04:56

he had a great feel for what people wanted,

1:04:561:04:58

and he couldn't take the criticism.

1:04:581:05:00

BARRIS: Things started to evolve pretty quickly.

1:05:001:05:04

The show was gaining momentum,

1:05:041:05:06

and I was becoming the one thing I didn't expect -

1:05:061:05:10

famous.

1:05:101:05:11

Hey, you're Chuck Barris, right?

1:05:111:05:13

Yeah.

1:05:131:05:14

The Gong Show. I love that show.

1:05:141:05:16

Thanks.

1:05:161:05:17

WOMAN: Hi.

1:06:151:06:16

Hi.

1:06:161:06:18

I thought that was you.

1:06:181:06:20

Yeah...

1:06:201:06:22

It's me.

1:06:221:06:23

WOMAN LAUGHS

1:06:231:06:25

Well, I'm glad to meet you.

1:06:251:06:27

I've seen The Gong Show.

1:06:271:06:29

Oh. Yeah, well...

1:06:291:06:31

I think you're the most

1:06:321:06:33

insidious, despicable force in entertainment today.

1:06:331:06:36

How dare you subject the rest of the world

1:06:381:06:40

to your loathsome views of humanity?

1:06:401:06:43

Yeah... I don't think it's that loathsome.

1:06:431:06:45

What is it, then?

1:06:451:06:47

To mock some poor lonely people

1:06:471:06:48

who are just craving a little attention in their lives...

1:06:481:06:51

to destroy them?

1:06:511:06:53

I mean, they're still people.

1:06:531:06:55

They still deserve a little respect and compassion.

1:06:551:06:58

Who the hell are you

1:06:591:07:01

and what the fuck have you ever done

1:07:011:07:03

to elevate yourself among the pathetic masses?

1:07:031:07:05

Oh, that's right. You created The Dating Game.

1:07:071:07:10

Wow.

1:07:101:07:11

That's right up there with the Sistine Chapel.

1:07:131:07:15

DRINK SPILLS

1:07:151:07:16

Ladies and gentlemen...

1:07:191:07:21

it wouldn't surprise me to see this next act -

1:07:211:07:24

UPBEAT MUSIC BEGINS

1:07:241:07:25

MAN: Whoo!

1:07:251:07:27

That means...

1:07:271:07:28

It's Gene...

1:07:281:07:29

Gene, the dancing machine,

1:07:291:07:33

and just in time!

1:07:331:07:36

GENE'S DANCING MUSIC PLAYS

1:07:361:07:38

FEMALE CRITIC: He represents more

1:07:581:07:59

than just the decline of quality television.

1:07:591:08:02

In my opinion

1:08:021:08:03

Chuck Barris will do more harm to our society

1:08:031:08:05

than people seem to realise.

1:08:051:08:07

LORETTA: Line one's for you, Chuck.

1:08:071:08:08

Who is it?

1:08:081:08:10

Some guy. He says he's a friend of yours

1:08:101:08:11

from Berlin.

1:08:111:08:13

Hello.

1:08:271:08:28

Very gutsy, my neighbour.

1:08:281:08:30

I guess you heard about Oliver.

1:08:301:08:33

Someone changed sides.

1:08:331:08:35

CAR DOOR OPENS, STREET NOISES

1:08:351:08:36

What was so urgent?

1:08:361:08:38

CAR DOOR CLOSES

1:08:381:08:39

STREET NOISES

1:08:401:08:42

KEELER: I was wondering, you wanna grab a bite?

1:08:421:08:44

I'm in town for a day.

1:08:441:08:46

BARRIS: Now, assassins don't fraternise.

1:08:461:08:48

That Keeler was calling me

1:08:481:08:50

could mean it was my turn to get hit.

1:08:501:08:52

I would take him somewhere where I knew I would be safe.

1:08:521:08:56

How's show biz?

1:08:581:08:59

Well, it's hit and miss.

1:08:591:09:01

I got a new show called Operation Entertainment,

1:09:011:09:04

which I believe is really, really gonna kill.

1:09:041:09:06

It's sort of a Bob Hope visiting-the-troops thing,

1:09:061:09:09

but it's weekly.

1:09:091:09:11

Instead of Bob Hope, it's like Flip Wilson...

1:09:111:09:13

Chuck. Tch.

1:09:131:09:15

Why do you do what you do?

1:09:151:09:17

Hmm?

1:09:171:09:19

Well, I like to think

1:09:191:09:20

that I bring joy and laughter

1:09:201:09:23

to millions of people.

1:09:231:09:25

It's a very important thing, I think,

1:09:251:09:27

in these difficult times.

1:09:271:09:28

I'm not saying the show is as good as it can be yet,

1:09:281:09:31

but, uh...

1:09:311:09:32

No, no.

1:09:321:09:34

Why do we do what we do?

1:09:341:09:37

Hmm?

1:09:381:09:39

LAUGHS Come on.

1:09:391:09:41

I got my feet wet in World War II.

1:09:421:09:45

Germany.

1:09:451:09:48

The pleasure of killing... was exhilarating.

1:09:481:09:52

Later in life, I...

1:09:521:09:54

couldn't find a place to fill that void...

1:09:541:09:59

to get that same rush of energy.

1:09:591:10:02

So I started up my own business.

1:10:021:10:04

MAN: Gentlemen, are you ready to order?

1:10:041:10:08

I'll have a green salad, no dressing.

1:10:081:10:10

And for you, sir?

1:10:101:10:11

Can I get a steak? Uh...rare.

1:10:111:10:13

Thank you.

1:10:131:10:15

Let me read you something.

1:10:171:10:19

"Whatsoever your hand finds to do,

1:10:201:10:24

"do it gladly...

1:10:241:10:26

"because there is no work, love, knowledge,

1:10:261:10:29

"or wisdom in the grave."

1:10:291:10:31

Who is that, Carlyle?

1:10:311:10:34

No, it's...

1:10:341:10:35

the Old Testament.

1:10:351:10:38

It's God.

1:10:391:10:41

It's amazing you should quote him.

1:10:411:10:43

He's my hero.

1:10:431:10:44

BOTH LAUGH

1:10:441:10:47

Killing my first...

1:10:491:10:51

man...

1:10:511:10:54

was like making love to my first woman.

1:10:541:10:57

I remember...

1:10:591:11:00

every little detail...

1:11:001:11:03

The smell of his hair,

1:11:031:11:05

ice on the window,

1:11:051:11:08

wallpaper.

1:11:081:11:10

It's... like entering a different time zone.

1:11:111:11:15

You're... becoming an outsider,

1:11:151:11:18

isolating yourself.

1:11:181:11:20

You're con...condemned.

1:11:201:11:23

BARRIS: Condemned?

1:11:241:11:25

KEELER: You have become... their sadness, and...

1:11:251:11:32

live in a different state of mind.

1:11:321:11:34

Ladies and gentlemen,

1:11:391:11:41

the host of The Gong Show...

1:11:411:11:43

CHUCKLES

1:11:431:11:45

Chuck Barris.

1:11:451:11:46

Hey, it's good to see you, Sieg.

1:11:461:11:48

Yeah. It'll be all right.

1:11:481:11:51

It'll be all right.

1:11:531:11:54

WOMAN: # Happy birthday... #

1:11:541:11:56

I think.

1:11:561:11:57

# To you

1:11:571:11:59

# Happy birthday

1:11:591:12:01

# Dear Chuckie

1:12:011:12:04

# Happy birthday

1:12:041:12:06

# To you. #

1:12:061:12:08

Is that right?

1:12:141:12:16

Yeah.

1:12:161:12:18

That's real good.

1:12:181:12:20

That's real good.

1:12:201:12:21

PENNY: so what's wrong, Chuck?

1:12:211:12:24

Are you OK?

1:12:241:12:25

Yeah, yeah, I'm OK.

1:12:251:12:27

It's a... guy I know...

1:12:271:12:30

killed himself last night.

1:12:301:12:31

A guy I know killed himself.

1:12:411:12:43

Who was he?

1:12:501:12:51

You don't know him. He's a, uh...

1:12:511:12:53

stagehand.

1:12:531:12:55

Why did he do it?

1:12:571:12:59

He didn't like his work any more.

1:13:011:13:04

Thanks. Thanks.

1:13:041:13:06

Is being a stagehand really, really bad?

1:13:061:13:09

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

1:13:091:13:11

Hello?

1:13:251:13:26

You were supposed to meet me at The Palm two hours ago.

1:13:261:13:30

Oh, fuck, I forgot.

1:13:301:13:31

You forgot. Really? Yeah!

1:13:311:13:32

Keeler's dead. Did you know?

1:13:321:13:33

Yeah, I heard. I heard.

1:13:331:13:34

You heard. What did you hear?

1:13:341:13:36

I heard he took himself out.

1:13:361:13:37

Is that right? Did Byrd tell you that?

1:13:371:13:39

Yeah, he said he was depressed.

1:13:391:13:40

I was gonna tell you, but... Hey!

1:13:401:13:42

Hey. Who is this?

1:13:421:13:43

I don't get stood up. Do you understand?

1:13:431:13:45

Fun! Excuse me.

1:13:451:13:46

BOTH LAUGH

1:13:461:13:47

So glad, um...

1:13:471:13:49

Penny. Patricia.

1:13:491:13:50

LAUGHING How'd you find me?

1:13:501:13:52

Are you serious?

1:13:521:13:53

This is what I do for a living.

1:13:531:13:55

What does she mean that's what she does for a living?

1:13:551:13:56

You're dead in my book, strawberry dick, got it?

1:13:561:13:58

Strawberry dick!

1:13:581:13:59

What's that? Whoa!

1:13:591:14:00

I'll see you around. Nice to meet you, Penny.

1:14:001:14:02

I've heard a lot about you.

1:14:021:14:04

Why don't you stay for a...

1:14:041:14:06

cocktail?

1:14:061:14:07

Penny.

1:14:071:14:08

And... And, uh...

1:14:081:14:10

You know, man...

1:14:101:14:12

LAUGHING I'm giving you one more chance.

1:14:121:14:14

Get it?

1:14:141:14:15

SIGHS

1:14:151:14:17

Fuck.

1:14:171:14:18

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

1:14:181:14:19

MAN: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

1:14:191:14:21

PLAYS INTRO TO "FOOLS RUSH IN"

1:14:211:14:23

OFF-KEY: # Wise men say

1:14:261:14:33

# Only fools

1:14:331:14:36

# Rush in

1:14:361:14:42

# But I can't help

1:14:421:14:48

# Falling in love

1:14:481:14:51

# With you

1:14:511:14:58

# Take my

1:14:581:15:01

# Hand

1:15:011:15:05

# Take my whole life

1:15:051:15:09

# Too

1:15:091:15:13

# For I can't help

1:15:131:15:19

# Falling in love

1:15:191:15:23

# With you

1:15:231:15:28

# For I can't help

1:15:281:15:34

# Falling in love

1:15:341:15:39

# With

1:15:391:15:42

# You. #

1:15:421:15:48

WEAK APPLAUSE

1:15:481:15:49

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

1:15:491:15:50

LORETTA, OVER INTERCOM: Uh, line one for you, Chuck.

1:15:531:15:56

Thanks.

1:15:571:15:58

Yeah?

1:15:591:16:00

JIM: 'Keeler didn't kill himself.

1:16:001:16:02

'He was murdered.

1:16:021:16:03

'Watch your back.' HANGS UP

1:16:031:16:05

You can come in now, Mr Flexner.

1:16:061:16:09

Chuck!

1:16:091:16:10

HANGS UP PHONE

1:16:101:16:11

Great to see ya.

1:16:111:16:13

What's up, Rod?

1:16:131:16:15

CHUCKLES

1:16:151:16:17

Well...

1:16:171:16:18

Chuck, may I sit?

1:16:181:16:20

Hey, how's that redhead?

1:16:201:16:22

She's...good, you know.

1:16:221:16:23

Keeps...

1:16:231:16:25

Well, Chuck, uh...

1:16:251:16:26

the thing is, we have to talk.

1:16:261:16:28

What's up, Rod?

1:16:281:16:30

Well, the thing is...

1:16:301:16:32

some of your old shows aren't doing so well

1:16:321:16:35

in the old ratings war. LAUGHS

1:16:351:16:37

So...

1:16:391:16:40

I've been put in the unfortunate position

1:16:401:16:43

of having to inform you

1:16:431:16:45

that the network is cancelling these shows.

1:16:451:16:48

Now, don't shoot me, Chuck.

1:16:511:16:52

I'm just the messenger.

1:16:541:16:56

Psshh.

1:17:021:17:03

Aargh!

1:17:061:17:07

CHUCKLES

1:17:071:17:09

SIGHS

1:17:091:17:10

This really is

1:17:101:17:12

the hardest part of the job for me.

1:17:121:17:14

CHUCK: They killed my babies, you know,

1:17:161:17:17

just like that.

1:17:171:17:19

I pushed them into the world

1:17:191:17:21

through the birth canal of my imagination...

1:17:211:17:24

Lovingly...

1:17:241:17:25

Tenderly.

1:17:251:17:26

Where's the humanity of these people?

1:17:261:17:29

Huh?

1:17:291:17:30

Fuck 'em.

1:17:301:17:31

Fuck 'em.

1:17:311:17:32

They're fucking bastards anyway.

1:17:321:17:35

Yeah. What am I gonna do now?

1:17:351:17:37

Oh, baby.

1:17:391:17:41

Oh, yeah.

1:17:411:17:43

Feels so good.

1:17:431:17:45

WOMAN MOANS SOFTLY

1:17:591:18:02

Chuck?

1:18:051:18:07

PENNY: Chuck?

1:18:111:18:12

Fuck! Fuck!

1:18:121:18:13

Penny, fuck!

1:18:131:18:16

I came here to tell you I sold a painting.

1:18:311:18:34

That's great.

1:18:341:18:36

What's she doing here?

1:18:381:18:40

She's, uh...

1:18:401:18:42

PENNY: This is our house.

1:18:441:18:46

It's one thing to go elsewhere

1:18:471:18:49

for your pussy needs.

1:18:491:18:51

But...this is our house.

1:18:511:18:54

It's my house, Pen.

1:18:541:18:55

It's our house.

1:18:551:18:57

I found it with you. I decorated it with you.

1:18:591:19:02

I spent six fucking months

1:19:021:19:04

waiting for the fucking plumber to fucking come.

1:19:041:19:07

CHUCK, WHISPERING: I'm sorry.

1:19:131:19:14

You're such an asshole.

1:19:171:19:19

STARTS ENGINE

1:19:351:19:36

..No, I'm not saying that.

1:20:021:20:03

That's not what I'm saying.

1:20:031:20:05

TEARFULLY: Then what are you saying, Chuck?

1:20:051:20:07

SNIFFS

1:20:071:20:08

CRYING: Do you want me around or not?

1:20:091:20:12

Do you even like me?

1:20:121:20:14

Of course I like you.

1:20:141:20:16

Penny...

1:20:161:20:18

SNIFFING How much?

1:20:181:20:19

What?

1:20:191:20:20

I need to know how much you like me.

1:20:201:20:24

I-I don't know what that means.

1:20:241:20:26

How much?

1:20:261:20:28

How can I rate a person in that way?

1:20:281:20:30

You could if you felt it.

1:20:301:20:33

If you felt it, it would be easy.

1:20:331:20:35

You would just...

1:20:351:20:36

..spread your arms

1:20:381:20:40

as wide as they would go

1:20:401:20:42

and say, "This much, Penny."

1:20:421:20:44

WHISPERING: Everything...

1:20:531:20:55

Everything's complicated, Pen.

1:20:551:20:57

You know, nothing's black and white like that.

1:20:571:21:00

Do you want me around or not,

1:21:061:21:08

because if you don't, it's OK.

1:21:081:21:10

Just tell me.

1:21:101:21:11

Hey, hey...

1:21:111:21:13

I love you, Penny...

1:21:161:21:18

in my way.

1:21:181:21:20

You know, maybe not in that crazy

1:21:251:21:28

head-over-heels thing,

1:21:281:21:30

but what is that anyway?

1:21:301:21:32

Romantic love...

1:21:321:21:35

Isn't that just an illusion?

1:21:351:21:37

You just said you loved me, right?

1:21:411:21:44

SNIFFS

1:21:461:21:47

MUSIC FADES IN

1:21:581:22:01

# Just like yesterday

1:22:011:22:04

# And I'll get on my knees and pray

1:22:041:22:08

# We don't... #

1:22:111:22:12

TURNS OFF MUSIC

1:22:121:22:13

Hi, Chuck.

1:22:261:22:27

Hey, Jim, what do you want?

1:22:271:22:29

How's work?

1:22:291:22:30

Great.

1:22:301:22:31

Any new game show ideas?

1:22:311:22:33

Dozens. Why are you here, Jim?

1:22:331:22:35

We need you to find the mole

1:22:351:22:37

and take him out.

1:22:371:22:39

Yeah.

1:22:431:22:44

LAUGHS

1:22:441:22:46

Yeah...

1:22:461:22:48

I'm done killing people.

1:22:481:22:50

I just want to entertain people.

1:22:501:22:52

I'm out.

1:22:521:22:54

No, you're not.

1:22:551:22:57

Hey, I got an idea.

1:23:011:23:03

If you want him so bad...

1:23:031:23:06

why don't you do it?

1:23:061:23:07

Why don't you kill the mole?

1:23:071:23:09

Any problem with killing, Jim?

1:23:091:23:12

I just don't fit the profile.

1:23:131:23:16

What fucking profile? There is no fucking profile.

1:23:161:23:18

OK. There's no profile.

1:23:181:23:20

Yeah, there's no profile.

1:23:201:23:21

OK.

1:23:211:23:22

You had a twin sister, stillborn,

1:23:251:23:27

strangled by your umbilical cord.

1:23:271:23:30

Your first hit.

1:23:301:23:32

Your mother always wanted a daughter.

1:23:321:23:34

She blamed you for your sister's death,

1:23:341:23:36

so until your sister Phoebe was born,

1:23:361:23:38

she raised you as a girl.

1:23:381:23:40

What else?

1:23:401:23:41

Your father, the dentist.

1:23:411:23:44

Not really your father.

1:23:441:23:46

Your real father was a man

1:23:471:23:49

named Edmond jams Windsor.

1:23:491:23:51

Among other things, he was a serial killer,

1:23:511:23:53

a fact your mother didn't know

1:23:531:23:55

when she had an affair with him in 1928.

1:23:551:23:57

That's ridiculous.

1:23:571:23:58

Is it?

1:23:581:24:00

That's insane.

1:24:001:24:01

Windsor died in the electric chair

1:24:011:24:03

in 1939.

1:24:031:24:04

I'm trying to think of what more I can tell you,

1:24:061:24:08

but you have me at a bit of a disadvantage, Chuck.

1:24:081:24:10

I don't have your files in front of me.

1:24:101:24:13

Come on, Jim.

1:24:211:24:22

I'm out.

1:24:281:24:30

As long as the mole's alive, you're a dead man.

1:24:371:24:40

How do I know it's not you?

1:24:401:24:43

You're a fairly bright guy, Chuck.

1:24:431:24:46

You'll figure it out.

1:24:471:24:49

INAUDIBLE

1:26:081:26:12

INAUDIBLE

1:26:241:26:26

Hey, Chuck. I...

1:26:501:26:51

Take it off. Huh?

1:26:511:26:52

Who are you? What's your name?

1:26:521:26:54

What's your name?

1:26:541:26:55

GONG

1:26:551:26:56

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

1:26:581:27:00

INCIDENTAL GAME SHOW MUSIC

1:27:001:27:03

Yeah...

1:27:051:27:07

That's the way it goes on...

1:27:071:27:09

TV.

1:27:091:27:10

Get off the stage. Get off the stage.

1:27:101:27:12

Go back to Scotland!

1:27:121:27:14

Get yourself a Guinness and some lucky charms.

1:27:141:27:17

All right.

1:27:171:27:18

Ladies and gentlemen,

1:27:181:27:20

The prince of puns...

1:27:201:27:23

The wizard of whoopee!

1:27:231:27:25

APPLAUSE

1:27:251:27:26

The unknown comic!

1:27:261:27:29

Hey, Chuckie, baby! Hey, Chuckie, baby!

1:27:291:27:30

Hey, Chuckie, baby, I got a joke for you, Chuckie, baby.

1:27:301:27:33

A joke. A joke. What? What?

1:27:331:27:34

What's the difference between toilet paper

1:27:341:27:35

and a shower curtain?

1:27:351:27:36

I don't know. What?

1:27:361:27:37

Here's the guy!

1:27:371:27:38

Get off the stage. Get off the stage.

1:27:381:27:40

No, it's my turn, Chuckie.

1:27:401:27:41

Get off the stage.

1:27:411:27:43

You're fucking crazy, man.

1:27:431:27:44

Get the fuck out of here.

1:27:441:27:46

Ladies and gentlemen...

1:27:461:27:49

uh...our next act...

1:27:491:27:51

Ha ha!

1:27:511:27:53

..first came...

1:27:531:27:54

..to us...all the way...

1:27:571:28:00

Um... Ha ha...

1:28:021:28:04

Lord. Crazy on coast-to-coast.

1:28:041:28:08

Come on.

1:28:101:28:11

You like the way Mommy looks?

1:28:151:28:17

Yes.

1:28:171:28:19

I bet you'd like to be a mommy some day,

1:28:191:28:21

Wouldn't you?

1:28:211:28:22

Come here, you.

1:28:221:28:24

RENDA CRYING OUT

1:28:241:28:26

BARRIS: Sorry about your teeth.

1:28:311:28:33

MOTHER: # ..Birthday to you

1:28:431:28:46

# Happy birthday to you

1:28:461:28:50

# Happy birthday dear Chuckie

1:28:501:28:54

# Happy birthday to... #

1:28:541:28:57

Come on.

1:29:081:29:10

Take me away now.

1:29:101:29:11

Take me away.

1:29:111:29:14

What are you waitin' for?

1:29:141:29:17

Come on. Come on.

1:29:171:29:19

Come on.

1:29:191:29:21

I see you.

1:29:231:29:25

I know who you are.

1:29:251:29:26

What are you looking at?

1:29:261:29:28

MUSIC STARTS

1:29:281:29:31

# If I had a hammer

1:29:311:29:33

# I'd a-hammer in the mornin'

1:29:331:29:36

# I'd a-hammer in the evenin'

1:29:361:29:38

# All over this land

1:29:381:29:41

# I'd a-hammer out danger

1:29:411:29:44

# I'd a-hammer out a warnin'

1:29:441:29:46

# I'd a-hammer out love

1:29:461:29:48

# Between my brothers and my sisters

1:29:481:29:50

# All over

1:29:501:29:52

# This land

1:29:521:29:55

# Ooh ooh ooh

1:29:551:29:57

# If I had a bell

1:29:571:29:59

# I'd a-ring it in the mornin'

1:29:591:30:02

# I'd a-ring it in the evenin'

1:30:021:30:04

# All over this land

1:30:041:30:07

# I'd ring out danger

1:30:071:30:10

# I'd ring out a warning

1:30:101:30:12

# I'd ring out

1:30:121:30:13

# Love between my brothers and my sisters

1:30:131:30:16

# All over

1:30:161:30:18

# This land

1:30:181:30:21

# Ooh

1:30:211:30:22

# If I had a song

1:30:221:30:25

# I'd sing it in the morning

1:30:251:30:28

# I'd sing it in the evenin'

1:30:281:30:30

# All over this land

1:30:301:30:32

# I'd sing out danger

1:30:321:30:35

# I'd sing out a warning

1:30:351:30:37

# I'd sing out love

1:30:371:30:39

# Between my brothers and my sisters

1:30:391:30:42

# All over

1:30:421:30:44

# This land. #

1:30:441:30:46

BARRIS: Dear Penny...

1:30:481:30:50

this is just a note to say

1:30:501:30:52

that I'm sorry...

1:30:521:30:54

for all of it.

1:30:541:30:57

You were the best part of my life,

1:30:571:30:59

and I couldn't see it.

1:30:591:31:02

I'm not asking for another chance...

1:31:021:31:04

Just for your forgiveness.

1:31:061:31:08

Love, Chuck.

1:31:101:31:11

KNOCK ON DOOR

1:31:211:31:22

Well...

1:31:301:31:32

look who comes out of hiding.

1:31:321:31:34

CHUCK: I started thinking, Trish,

1:31:351:31:37

you're the only woman in the world who really...

1:31:371:31:39

who really knows me.

1:31:391:31:40

I know I screwed you over in the past,

1:31:401:31:43

and I'm...I'm sorry. I...

1:31:431:31:46

PIANO CONCERTO PLAYS

1:31:461:31:48

I just want you to know that...

1:31:491:31:51

..I hate myself for how...

1:31:551:31:58

Goddamn, I hate myself

1:31:581:31:59

for how I lived, Trish.

1:31:591:32:02

PATRICIA: Nietzsche says whoever despises oneself

1:32:031:32:06

still respects oneself as one who despises.

1:32:061:32:09

Shit, I never thought of that.

1:32:101:32:12

I can't even despise myself with any insight.

1:32:121:32:15

The insane asylums are filled with people

1:32:151:32:18

who think they're Jesus or Satan.

1:32:181:32:20

Very few have delusions of being

1:32:201:32:23

a guy down the block

1:32:231:32:25

who works for an insurance company.

1:32:251:32:27

All right.

1:32:291:32:31

What is this stuff?

1:32:321:32:35

You know, I wanted to be a writer once.

1:32:351:32:37

I wanted to... write something

1:32:371:32:39

that someday some lesser person would quote,

1:32:391:32:41

but I never did.

1:32:411:32:42

I'm the lesser person, Trish.

1:32:421:32:45

I never say anything meaningful

1:32:451:32:47

that wasn't said by somebody else first.

1:32:471:32:50

I am disposable.

1:32:501:32:52

I disposed of people, and I'm disposable.

1:32:521:32:56

You know, I've been thinking about you

1:32:591:33:02

a lot lately, Chuck.

1:33:021:33:03

Oh, yeah? Mmm.

1:33:031:33:05

CHUCKLES

1:33:051:33:06

I've missed you.

1:33:061:33:08

Well, you could have fooled me.

1:33:081:33:10

Well, I've mellowed.

1:33:101:33:12

CHUCKLES

1:33:121:33:13

Look, Boston is a beautiful city.

1:33:131:33:16

We could start over here,

1:33:161:33:18

normal life together.

1:33:181:33:20

Sell insurance.

1:33:201:33:22

LAUGHS

1:33:221:33:24

Yeah! That sounds good.

1:33:241:33:25

That sounds right.

1:33:251:33:28

Look at that.

1:33:301:33:32

I could learn to love that skyline.

1:33:321:33:35

Did you see I got your picture framed?

1:33:361:33:39

Oh, yeah? Where?

1:33:391:33:40

Look.

1:33:401:33:42

Oh, hot dog!

1:33:421:33:43

To life.

1:33:461:33:47

To life.

1:33:491:33:50

You devil.

1:34:011:34:03

Isn't that sweet?

1:34:031:34:05

Oh...

1:34:051:34:06

Hey, what about splitting our time in...

1:34:081:34:10

in New York?

1:34:101:34:12

Fuck. I just bit...

1:34:141:34:16

It's just a... GAGS

1:34:161:34:18

GAGGING

1:34:181:34:21

GASPING, GRUNTING

1:34:321:34:34

No, that's too quick.

1:34:341:34:35

You're supposed to get to the bathroom

1:34:351:34:37

and throw up first.

1:34:371:34:39

God, Chuck, you should have seen Oliver's face.

1:34:391:34:42

It was just... Well...

1:34:421:34:44

if I do say so myself.

1:34:441:34:45

I got a nice snapshot of it, actually.

1:34:451:34:48

Mmm...

1:34:481:34:49

You know, Keeler was easy.

1:34:491:34:51

Travelled halfway around the world

1:34:511:34:52

for a night with me.

1:34:521:34:54

Hmm...

1:34:541:34:56

PANTING

1:34:561:34:58

OK...

1:34:581:34:59

Let's see...

1:34:591:35:01

GRUNTS

1:35:011:35:03

Chuck...you've put on weight.

1:35:031:35:05

Come on.

1:35:071:35:09

I nearly blew it with Byrd.

1:35:091:35:11

Never farm out a job that you should do yourself.

1:35:111:35:14

Do you want a laugh?

1:35:141:35:16

He thought you were the mole.

1:35:161:35:18

He was going to kill you.

1:35:181:35:20

What an idiot.

1:35:201:35:21

"I'm not at all the person

1:35:231:35:24

"you and I took me for."

1:35:241:35:26

Hmm. Sounds like an epitaph.

1:35:261:35:28

Your handwriting, too.

1:35:281:35:30

You see, Chuck, I save everything...

1:35:301:35:33

All of your lovely notes. Mmm.

1:35:331:35:35

LABOURED BREATHING

1:35:351:35:37

You know what?

1:35:371:35:39

I like Carlyle best, too.

1:35:401:35:43

I really do. Yeah.

1:35:431:35:45

Say hi to the boys when you see 'em.

1:35:451:35:47

Ooh...

1:35:531:35:54

Oh...

1:35:551:35:56

To life.

1:36:501:36:51

CLINK

1:36:511:36:52

PIANO CONCERTO CONTINUES

1:36:571:37:01

BARRIS: My name is Charles Hirsch Barris.

1:37:481:37:51

I have written pop songs.

1:37:511:37:53

I have been a television producer.

1:37:531:37:57

I am responsible for polluting the air waves

1:37:571:38:00

with mind-numbing, puerile entertainment.

1:38:001:38:04

In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings.

1:38:041:38:09

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: we have come here today

1:38:291:38:32

to join Penny Pacino and Chuck Barris

1:38:321:38:35

In holy matrimony.

1:38:351:38:37

You all know Chuck Barris,

1:38:371:38:40

creator of The Dating Game, The Newlywed Game,

1:38:401:38:43

The Family Game,

1:38:431:38:45

The Game Game,

1:38:451:38:47

Dream Girl Of 1968,

1:38:471:38:50

Operation Entertainment,

1:38:501:38:52

How's Your Mother-In-Law,

1:38:521:38:54

and many others.

1:38:541:38:56

Chuck Barris, who most recently brought us such hits

1:38:561:38:59

as The Rah-Rah Show,

1:38:591:39:01

The 1.98 Beauty Show,

1:39:011:39:04

The Gong Show.

1:39:041:39:07

Oh! Chuck Barris...

1:39:071:39:09

who I'm sure will be back soon

1:39:091:39:12

with even more shows that will stimulate and educate

1:39:121:39:17

and keep us on the edge of our seats.

1:39:171:39:20

BELL TOLLS

1:39:201:39:23

CHEERING

1:39:271:39:29

MAN: Whoo!

1:39:511:39:52

Congratulations!

1:39:521:39:54

Hey...

1:39:541:39:55

Oh, thanks, thanks.

1:39:551:39:57

Thanks.

1:39:571:39:59

BELL TOLLS

1:39:591:40:04

INAUDIBLE

1:40:061:40:09

Danny, drive now!

1:40:211:40:23

TYRES SCREECH

1:40:231:40:24

Bye!

1:40:261:40:27

Penny, there's something I gotta...

1:40:271:40:29

I gotta confess,

1:40:291:40:30

something I gotta tell ya.

1:40:301:40:31

Listen up, Penny.

1:40:311:40:33

You've known me for a long time...

1:40:331:40:35

AS JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: As the host of

1:40:351:40:37

The Dating Game, The Gong Show,

1:40:371:40:38

Rah-Rah Show...

1:40:381:40:40

Yeah, yeah, listen, listen, listen...

1:40:401:40:41

I work...

1:40:411:40:43

I work for the CIA. You understand?

1:40:431:40:46

And I kill people.

1:40:461:40:47

I killed a lo...

1:40:471:40:50

I killed a lot of people.

1:40:501:40:51

You understand?

1:40:511:40:53

I killed a lot of people.

1:40:531:40:56

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

1:40:591:41:01

BOTH LAUGH

1:41:131:41:15

BARRIS: 'I came up with a new game show idea recently.

1:41:231:41:27

'It's called The Old Game.'#

1:41:271:41:30

You got three old guys with loaded guns on stage,

1:41:301:41:35

they look back at their lives,

1:41:351:41:38

see who they were, what they accomplished...

1:41:381:41:43

how close they came to realising their dreams.

1:41:431:41:47

The winner...

1:41:501:41:53

is the one who doesn't blow his brains out.

1:41:531:41:57

He gets a refrigerator.

1:41:571:42:01

# There's no business like show business

1:42:081:42:11

# Like no business I know

1:42:111:42:16

# Everything about it is appealing

1:42:161:42:20

# Everything the traffic will allow

1:42:201:42:22

# Nowhere can you get that happy feeling

1:42:221:42:25

# When you are stealing that extra bow

1:42:251:42:30

# There's no people like show people

1:42:301:42:34

# They smile when they are low

1:42:341:42:38

# Even with a turkey that you know will fold

1:42:381:42:41

# You may be stranded out in the cold

1:42:411:42:45

# Still, you wouldn't change it for a sack of gold

1:42:451:42:49

# Let's go on with the show... #

1:42:491:42:52

George Clooney's directorial debut is a story adapted from Chuck Barris's cult memoirs, in which Barris - the man behind some of America's most popular game shows - claimed to have led a double life as a TV producer by day and CIA assassin by night.