Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

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This film contains strong language.	0:00:02	0:00:07
I wouldn't want to live his life,	0:00:13	0:00:15
cos he hasn't been happy all of his life.	0:00:15	0:00:17
All I think is, if you can find work, stay healthy,	0:00:17	0:00:20
find somebody to share it with,	0:00:20	0:00:21
you're the ultimate success.	0:00:21	0:00:23
He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle,	0:00:23	0:00:25
but not all of them.	0:00:25	0:00:26
BURGER: "I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear..."	0:00:27	0:00:30
REAGAN: I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear...	0:00:30	0:00:33
"..that I will faithfully execute the Office	0:00:33	0:00:35
"of President of the United States."	0:00:35	0:00:36
That I will faithfully execute the office...	0:00:36	0:00:38
TONE BLARES	0:00:38	0:00:41
CARTOON MUSIC PLAYS	0:00:43	0:00:45
'When you're young, your potential is infinite.	0:00:46	0:00:51
'You might do anything, really.	0:00:51	0:00:54
'You might be Einstein.	0:00:54	0:00:56
'You might be Di Maggio.	0:00:56	0:00:58
'Then you get to an age when what you might be	0:01:00	0:01:02
'gives way to what you have been.	0:01:02	0:01:04
'You weren't Einstein.	0:01:04	0:01:06
'You weren't anything.	0:01:06	0:01:09
'That's a bad moment.'	0:01:10	0:01:12
KNOCK ON DOOR	0:01:23	0:01:25
Chuck, it's Pen.	0:01:30	0:01:33
CHUCK: Hey! Jesus. How'd you find me?	0:01:35	0:01:39
You wrote me your last letter	0:01:39	0:01:40
on hotel stationery.	0:01:40	0:01:41
Oh. Uh, it's great to see you, Pen.	0:01:41	0:01:45
You look...you look beautiful.	0:01:45	0:01:48
This place is scary.	0:01:48	0:01:50
Yeah. The human... the human psyche.	0:01:50	0:01:54
I came to take you back to California with me.	0:01:54	0:01:57
Uh, no.	0:01:57	0:01:59
It's a lonely state without you.	0:01:59	0:02:02
I'm home, Red.	0:02:02	0:02:03
I can't wait forever for you to marry me.	0:02:11	0:02:15
Well, apparently, I can,	0:02:15	0:02:17
But I really don't want to.	0:02:17	0:02:21
PENNY: I love you so much.	0:02:28	0:02:30
PENNY: You don't understand.	0:02:35	0:02:39
PENNY: I don't even know why.	0:02:39	0:02:40
Oh, Penny.	0:02:40	0:02:43
Penny, Penny, Penny. HE LAUGHS	0:02:43	0:02:46
SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYS	0:02:53	0:02:56
PEEPHOLE CLOSES	0:02:56	0:02:58
BARRIS: Listen, I gotta go, OK?	0:03:03	0:03:05
BARRIS: I'm kind of busy right now, OK?	0:03:05	0:03:07
'It was 1981,	0:03:08	0:03:11
'and I had holed myself up in this New York hotel,	0:03:11	0:03:15
'the Phoenix Hotel,	0:03:15	0:03:16
'terrified of everything, ashamed of my life...	0:03:16	0:03:20
'..until, finally, I realized my salvation	0:03:24	0:03:27
'might be in recording my wasted life unflinchingly.	0:03:27	0:03:30
'Maybe it would serve as a cautionary tale.	0:03:31	0:03:35
'And maybe it would help me understand why.	0:03:35	0:03:39
'When I was 11, I had an experience	0:03:39	0:03:42
'with my sister's friend, Tuvia,	0:03:42	0:03:44
'that left an indelible impression.'	0:03:44	0:03:46
Hey. What?	0:03:46	0:03:48
Tuvia. What?!	0:03:48	0:03:49
You want to lick it?	0:03:49	0:03:51
No. Why should I?	0:03:51	0:03:54
Well, for one thing, it tastes like strawberry.	0:03:54	0:03:57
My sister tells me you love strawberries.	0:03:57	0:03:59
Yeah, well, I hate strawberries.	0:03:59	0:04:01
No, I'm serious.	0:04:01	0:04:03
It tastes exactly like a strawberry lollipop.	0:04:03	0:04:05
Look, I know that's not true.	0:04:05	0:04:06
Well, I bet you it does.	0:04:06	0:04:07
I bet you it doesn't.	0:04:07	0:04:09
I'll bet you a dollar.	0:04:09	0:04:11
BARRIS: Tuvia...my first love.	0:04:13	0:04:17
Perhaps my whole life turned at that point.	0:04:18	0:04:21
The repulsiveness of my sex confirmed	0:04:21	0:04:23
by the taste buds of a ripening pubescent girl.	0:04:23	0:04:27
What are you doing?	0:04:27	0:04:29
Get off me!	0:04:29	0:04:30
'And so I found myself	0:04:30	0:04:31
'in a downward spiral of debauchery.	0:04:31	0:04:34
'Endlessly chasing pussy.'	0:04:34	0:04:36
DOO WOP MUSIC PLAYS	0:04:36	0:04:38
'My only focus in life to get laid, to get blown,	0:04:40	0:04:43
'trying to fool myself into believing	0:04:43	0:04:45
'that given the right combination	0:04:45	0:04:46
'of circumstances and deception,	0:04:46	0:04:47
'maybe the Tuvias of the world	0:04:47	0:04:49
'could desire me the way I desired them.	0:04:49	0:04:52
'I only wanted to be loved.'	0:04:53	0:04:56
No... SHE SOBS	0:05:02	0:05:04
# Won't you tell me why	0:05:04	0:05:07
# I love... #	0:05:07	0:05:09
ZIPS PANTS	0:05:09	0:05:10
# That girly so	0:05:10	0:05:12
# She doesn't want me... #	0:05:13	0:05:17
BARRIS: The constant inarticulate rage	0:05:17	0:05:20
led to bar fight after bar fight.	0:05:20	0:05:23
TV ANNOUNCER: New York is a city of people,	0:05:31	0:05:33
the only state in the union to stretch	0:05:33	0:05:34
from the Atlantic Ocean to the great lakes.	0:05:34	0:05:37
Directly across the avenue is... you're right again.	0:05:37	0:05:40
BARRIS: I had heard that television	0:05:40	0:05:41
was an industry with a future,	0:05:41	0:05:43
so I packed up and moved from Philly to Manhattan.	0:05:43	0:05:46
NBC THEME PLAYS	0:05:46	0:05:47
TOUR GUIDE: We began making commercial broadcasts	0:05:47	0:05:49
in 1941,	0:05:49	0:05:51
and in 1953,	0:05:51	0:05:52
NBC made the first ever colour telecast by a network	0:05:52	0:05:56
during the Colgate comedy hour.	0:05:56	0:05:57
Now we'll have a look at the studio	0:05:57	0:05:59
where they produce The Today Show,	0:05:59	0:06:01
which NBC began broadcasting in 1952.	0:06:01	0:06:05
Excuse me, miss. Do you know where	0:06:05	0:06:06
I could apply for an NBC page?	0:06:06	0:06:08
TOUR GUIDE: ..Such as The Perry Como Show,	0:06:08	0:06:10
which you can tune into on Saturdays at 7.30.	0:06:10	0:06:13
The Nat King Cole Show,	0:06:13	0:06:15
which you won't want to miss,	0:06:15	0:06:16
on Tuesdays at 8pm	0:06:16	0:06:17
And hold on one second.	0:06:17	0:06:19
OK.	0:06:21	0:06:22
And my personal favourite,	0:06:22	0:06:24
The Lux Show starring Rosemary Clooney...	0:06:24	0:06:26
..Which you can enjoy every Thursday at 10.00.	0:06:26	0:06:28
And of course, The Steve Allen Show,	0:06:28	0:06:30
which delights us every Sunday at 8.00.	0:06:30	0:06:32
You may also be interested to know that Steve Allen	0:06:32	0:06:34
actually got his start in entertainment	0:06:34	0:06:36
as an NBC page.	0:06:36	0:06:37
Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll follow me...	0:06:37	0:06:38
WOMAN: Raymond in accounting?	0:06:38	0:06:40
He's kind of cute, huh?	0:06:40	0:06:42
Cute is all well and good, Mary-Ann,	0:06:42	0:06:44
but what you want is a man who's going places -	0:06:44	0:06:48
a go-getter on the management fast track.	0:06:48	0:06:51
What about Mr Waters?	0:06:51	0:06:53
Yeah, management training application, please, ma'am.	0:06:53	0:06:56
How many people have applied for this so far?	0:06:56	0:06:58
Let's see. Including you?	0:06:58	0:07:00
About 2,000.	0:07:00	0:07:01
For how many positions?	0:07:01	0:07:03
5.	0:07:03	0:07:04
BELL DINGS	0:07:06	0:07:07
Thanks, ma'am.	0:07:09	0:07:10
'Sometimes, as a younger man,	0:07:16	0:07:18
'I stretched the truth to get what I wanted.'	0:07:18	0:07:20
WOMAN: Tell me again!	0:07:20	0:07:21
BARRIS: Head of network sales at 30.	0:07:21	0:07:23
Head of the entire network by 40!	0:07:23	0:07:25
I love you, Mr Chuck Barris.	0:07:25	0:07:28
Management trainee.	0:07:28	0:07:30
MOANING	0:07:30	0:07:32
'Life was sweet.'	0:07:34	0:07:35
Uhh!	0:07:35	0:07:36
'For a minute.'	0:07:40	0:07:41
WOMAN ON TV: Everything's either madly exciting	0:07:41	0:07:43
or madly interesting.	0:07:43	0:07:46
I hope Sally never bothers herself with you.	0:07:46	0:07:50
HE RUNS TAP	0:07:52	0:07:54
I got fired today.	0:07:58	0:08:00
Fired?	0:08:00	0:08:02
Yeah, fired.	0:08:02	0:08:05
Fired?	0:08:05	0:08:07
What the fuck did you get fired for?	0:08:08	0:08:10
BARRIS: I don't know. Efficiency cutbacks.	0:08:10	0:08:12
Some bullshit. Look, it's gonna be fine.	0:08:12	0:08:15
I'm pregnant.	0:08:18	0:08:21
So, I figured, I'm gonna skip town.	0:08:26	0:08:29
I intend to be important, you know?	0:08:29	0:08:31
I can't be saddled with this.	0:08:31	0:08:34
Phhhbbt!	0:08:34	0:08:35
But then I remembered something Carlyle said.	0:08:35	0:08:39
"Do the duty which lies nearest thee."	0:08:39	0:08:44
So you see...	0:08:44	0:08:45
Who's Carlyle?	0:08:45	0:08:47
Dear God.	0:08:49	0:08:51
Why do I even bother? HE LAUGHS	0:08:51	0:08:53
Fuck you, you condescending prick.	0:08:53	0:08:56
Pregnant?	0:08:58	0:08:59
Yeah, pregnant.	0:09:00	0:09:02
Fuck you.	0:09:02	0:09:04
What the fuck did you get pregnant for?	0:09:04	0:09:05
Fuck you.	0:09:05	0:09:06
What do you mean, what the fuck	0:09:06	0:09:08
did I get pregnant for?	0:09:08	0:09:09
You got me fucking pregnant, you fuck!	0:09:09	0:09:11
Well, fuck you! Fuck you.	0:09:11	0:09:13
Fuckin'...	0:09:13	0:09:14
Fuck you.	0:09:14	0:09:16
Fuck!	0:09:16	0:09:17
Fuck you.	0:09:17	0:09:19
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ON TV	0:09:22	0:09:24
GEORGIA: Looks like I was just late.	0:09:27	0:09:29
Oh, yes, we had a great time.	0:09:35	0:09:37
The crew loved him	0:09:37	0:09:39
and loved the show, you know?	0:09:39	0:09:41
Because it was crazy.	0:09:41	0:09:42
And we could do anything we wanted to. Sort of.	0:09:42	0:09:45
And, uh, yeah, they liked him very much.	0:09:45	0:09:48
He was a good guy.	0:09:48	0:09:50
Even though he's a prick,	0:09:50	0:09:51
he's a good guy, too.	0:09:51	0:09:53
DICK CLARK: ..What is labelled a dream faculty -	0:09:53	0:09:55
wouldn't school be wonderful	0:09:55	0:09:57
if we had a faculty like this?	0:09:57	0:09:58
You read it, all right?	0:09:58	0:09:59
GIRL: Principal Sal Mineo,	0:09:59	0:10:01
vice principal Tony Perkins...	0:10:01	0:10:02
DICK CLARK: Couldn't you see going to a school	0:10:02	0:10:04
where Sal Mineo is the principal?	0:10:04	0:10:07
'By '61, I had become a minor suit at ABC.	0:10:07	0:10:09
'It was during the music payola scandal,	0:10:09	0:10:11
'so my job was to commute to Philly every day	0:10:11	0:10:14
'to the American bandstand tapings	0:10:14	0:10:16
'to keep an eye on Dick Clark.'	0:10:16	0:10:18
One more lady's choice of the afternoon to go.	0:10:18	0:10:20
Suppose we make it this one, OK?	0:10:20	0:10:21
'On weekends,	0:10:23	0:10:24
'I used to hang around amusement parks	0:10:24	0:10:26
'because that's where the young girls were.	0:10:26	0:10:29
'I wrote a song about my experiences.'	0:10:29	0:10:32
# When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel... #	0:10:32	0:10:34
'I got it to Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon	0:10:34	0:10:37
through my friendship with Dick Clark.	0:10:37	0:10:39
Dick really wanted to help me out.	0:10:39	0:10:41
Hi.	0:10:41	0:10:42
What? Hi.	0:10:42	0:10:45
Oh.	0:10:45	0:10:46
I wrote this song.	0:10:46	0:10:48
Huh.	0:10:48	0:10:49
It's number three on the pop charts. See?	0:10:49	0:10:54
Uh-huh.	0:10:54	0:10:55
Yeah.	0:10:55	0:10:56
I believe there's a great future in television.	0:10:58	0:11:00
Uh-huh?	0:11:00	0:11:02
So I'm gonna take my royalties,	0:11:02	0:11:03
and I'm gonna create a pilot.	0:11:03	0:11:05
A pilot's what they call a test TV show.	0:11:05	0:11:08
I work in TV.	0:11:08	0:11:10
Yeah? What's your name?	0:11:10	0:11:11
I'm Chuck. Debbie.	0:11:11	0:11:12
Debbie.	0:11:12	0:11:14
So, you live in Philly?	0:11:14	0:11:15
No, I live in Manhattan.	0:11:15	0:11:16
It's gonna be a game show.	0:11:16	0:11:18
I believe there's a great future in game shows.	0:11:18	0:11:20
Oh, that's good.	0:11:20	0:11:21
Yeah. Everyone loves game shows, right?	0:11:21	0:11:25
I don't know.	0:11:25	0:11:26
Well, they do.	0:11:26	0:11:27
Well, that's great, then.	0:11:27	0:11:29
BARRIS LAUGHS I'm on my way.	0:11:29	0:11:31
PENNY: Hello.	0:11:43	0:11:45
Hi.	0:11:45	0:11:47
HE BREATHES IN	0:11:47	0:11:49
Uh...don't be alarmed. I'm here with Debbie.	0:11:49	0:11:53
Yeah, I figured that.	0:11:53	0:11:54
Hungry?	0:11:54	0:11:56
Um, no, thanks.	0:11:56	0:11:58
Thirsty?	0:11:58	0:11:59
Sure, if you have a...	0:11:59	0:12:02
beer or...	0:12:02	0:12:03
So, how was sex with Debbie?	0:12:10	0:12:11
I always wanted to know.	0:12:11	0:12:13
It was good.	0:12:13	0:12:14
Fine. Thanks for asking.	0:12:14	0:12:16
No problem.	0:12:16	0:12:18
I just got fucked by this drummer cat -	0:12:18	0:12:20
a real righteous Negro hipster.	0:12:20	0:12:22
Heh. Interesting.	0:12:22	0:12:24
I'm into the brotherhood of man.	0:12:24	0:12:26
I fucked an Oriental last week.	0:12:26	0:12:28
What are you?	0:12:28	0:12:29
Jew.	0:12:29	0:12:30
I had one of those once, but he was Sephardic.	0:12:30	0:12:33
You look Ashke-nazi.	0:12:33	0:12:34
Ashkenazi.	0:12:34	0:12:36
Right, Ashke-nazi.	0:12:36	0:12:37
I haven't had one of those yet.	0:12:37	0:12:40
You're romantic.	0:12:40	0:12:42
Yeah. I just don't get into all the bullshit	0:12:42	0:12:44
between cats and chicks.	0:12:44	0:12:45
I know what you mean. You know what I mean?	0:12:45	0:12:47
I know what you mean.	0:12:47	0:12:48
Besides, you just give your heart to one cat,	0:12:48	0:12:49
and, you know, you get hurt.	0:12:49	0:12:51
Don't I know it?	0:12:51	0:12:52
We could ball if you want.	0:12:56	0:12:59
LAUGHTER	0:13:00	0:13:02
Whoa!	0:13:02	0:13:03
That would be good.	0:13:04	0:13:05
Yeah, but...	0:13:05	0:13:07
HE LAUGHS	0:13:07	0:13:09
I'm kinda here with Debbie.	0:13:09	0:13:11
It doesn't seem right.	0:13:11	0:13:12
SHE LAUGHS	0:13:12	0:13:13
That's true. I didn't think of that.	0:13:17	0:13:20
Well, I'm gonna go to bed.	0:13:21	0:13:23
It was nice meeting you.	0:13:23	0:13:24
Hey, hey, what's... what's your name?	0:13:24	0:13:26
I'm Penny.	0:13:28	0:13:30
I'm Chuck.	0:13:30	0:13:32
Chuck Barris. Yeah.	0:13:32	0:13:33
Yeah, you wrote that Palisades song.	0:13:33	0:13:35
I really like that song.	0:13:35	0:13:36
Oh, thanks.	0:13:36	0:13:37
Yeah, it's real sentimental bullshit.	0:13:37	0:13:39
Oh, right.	0:13:39	0:13:41
# Last night I took a walk after dark	0:13:47	0:13:50
# A swingin' place called Palisades Park	0:13:50	0:13:52
# To have some fun and see what I could see	0:13:52	0:13:56
# That's where the girls are	0:13:56	0:13:58
# I took a ride on the shoot-the-chute	0:13:58	0:14:00
# That girl I sat beside was awful cute	0:14:00	0:14:03
# After it stopped she was holding hands with me	0:14:03	0:14:07
# My heart was flyin' up	0:14:07	0:14:10
# Like a rocket ship	0:14:10	0:14:12
# Down like a roller coaster	0:14:12	0:14:14
# Back like a loop-the-loop	0:14:14	0:14:16
# And around like a merry-go-round	0:14:16	0:14:20
# We ate and ate at a hot dog stand	0:14:20	0:14:23
# We danced around to a rockin' band	0:14:23	0:14:25
# And when I could I gave that girl a hug	0:14:25	0:14:29
# In the tunnel of love	0:14:29	0:14:31
# You'll never know how great a kiss can feel	0:14:31	0:14:33
# When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel	0:14:33	0:14:36
# When I fell in love	0:14:36	0:14:38
# Down at Palisades Park	0:14:38	0:14:41
# Whoa-oh-oh-oh! #	0:14:41	0:14:43
SCREAMING ON CINEMA SCREEN	0:14:43	0:14:45
PENNY: Last night in my dream,	0:14:50	0:14:52
this ape and I are sitting	0:14:52	0:14:53
staring at each other,	0:14:53	0:14:55
and it was, like, across time and evolution.	0:14:55	0:14:57
And then he started talking,	0:14:57	0:14:59
but in a language I didn't really understand.	0:14:59	0:15:01
SHE LAUGHS	0:15:01	0:15:02
Swiss, maybe.	0:15:02	0:15:04
And then he turned into Perry Como -	0:15:04	0:15:07
real square.	0:15:07	0:15:09
What's wrong with you?	0:15:09	0:15:10
Nothing.	0:15:10	0:15:11
You know, just because we fucked	0:15:11	0:15:12
doesn't mean there are strings now. It's OK.	0:15:12	0:15:14
HE LAUGHS OK.	0:15:14	0:15:15
I just wanted to tell you about my dream.	0:15:15	0:15:17
Nothing more complicated than that.	0:15:17	0:15:18
Don't panic.	0:15:18	0:15:20
I'm just not used to all this...	0:15:20	0:15:21
all this dating bullshit, you know?	0:15:21	0:15:23
Now we're a couple. Now I'm obliged	0:15:23	0:15:24
to give a shit what you say. Is that...?	0:15:24	0:15:26
Don't worry.	0:15:26	0:15:27
I'm not into those games, either.	0:15:27	0:15:29
So anyway, the monkey turns into Perry Como,	0:15:29	0:15:32
and I say...	0:15:32	0:15:33
Holy fuck! What?	0:15:33	0:15:35
Holy, holy fuck! You just gave me an idea...	0:15:35	0:15:38
for a show. Fuck!	0:15:38	0:15:40
A show about monkeys?	0:15:40	0:15:42
No, about people.	0:15:42	0:15:43
About sex, about romance,	0:15:43	0:15:46
about the bullshit of dating.	0:15:46	0:15:49
I call it The Dating Game,	0:15:49	0:15:51
and that's what it's about, Mr Goldberg.	0:15:51	0:15:54
A pretty girl asks three handsome guys -	0:15:54	0:15:58
who she can't see - silly questions,	0:15:58	0:16:00
and based on their answers,	0:16:00	0:16:02
she picks one to date, and we pay for the date.	0:16:02	0:16:06
That's it. That's the show.	0:16:06	0:16:07
Aah!	0:16:12	0:16:14
Aah! Aah!	0:16:14	0:16:15
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!	0:16:15	0:16:18
Hot damn!	0:16:18	0:16:19
What, what, what?	0:16:19	0:16:20
They bought it! Yeah!	0:16:20	0:16:21
They bought it! They bought it!	0:16:21	0:16:23
They're givin' me 7,500 fuckin' dollars	0:16:23	0:16:25
to make a pilot!	0:16:25	0:16:26
Yeah! We gotta go celebrate!	0:16:26	0:16:28
Let's go roller skating!	0:16:28	0:16:29
I can't! I got a date!	0:16:29	0:16:30
Ok, cool. Will you call me after?	0:16:30	0:16:31
OK! OK!	0:16:31	0:16:32
OK. Bye! Mwah!	0:16:32	0:16:34
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS	0:16:35	0:16:37
MUSIC CONTINUES	0:16:56	0:16:58
BARRIS: I figured I was in.	0:17:24	0:17:26
All I had to do was get the pilot made...	0:17:26	0:17:28
..and I'd be a millionaire.	0:17:29	0:17:31
Everyone would love me.	0:17:31	0:17:34
Was anyone ever so young?	0:17:34	0:17:36
No. No.	0:17:37	0:17:39
No. No.	0:17:39	0:17:40
No.	0:17:40	0:17:41
All right. Lose it.	0:17:41	0:17:43
BARRIS: ABC didn't like The Dating Game.	0:17:43	0:17:45
They did like a show called Hootenanny.	0:17:45	0:17:48
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I like this one.	0:17:48	0:17:50
Well, he-he led an amazingly long life.	0:17:50	0:17:53
BARRIS: Hooten-fuckin'-nanny.	0:17:53	0:17:54
What do they know?	0:17:59	0:18:00
That's...that's long for a dog.	0:18:00	0:18:02
I don't know. Probably about 70 to you and me.	0:18:04	0:18:06
Uh-huh.	0:18:11	0:18:13
It's nine years to every one of ours.	0:18:14	0:18:18
PENNY LAUGHS	0:18:19	0:18:20
RUSTLING	0:18:20	0:18:22
Yeah.	0:18:24	0:18:25
SHE LAUGHS	0:18:25	0:18:26
Uh-huh.	0:18:28	0:18:30
I'm sorry about your show.	0:18:30	0:18:32
What?	0:18:32	0:18:34
H-how long has he been dead?	0:18:34	0:18:36
Jesus, Phoebe, that's...	0:18:36	0:18:38
Yeah. No, I'll hold on.	0:18:38	0:18:39
Is that your mom? My sister.	0:18:39	0:18:41
Come here.	0:18:41	0:18:43
Oh, yeah. I got you these.	0:18:43	0:18:45
Listen, Pen, I'm not...	0:18:45	0:18:46
And I want to tell you something.	0:18:46	0:18:48
I talked to a psychic today.	0:18:48	0:18:49
A what? A psychic.	0:18:49	0:18:51
And she said that you are gonna be very successful.	0:18:51	0:18:54
Oh, really?	0:18:54	0:18:55
Very successful.	0:18:55	0:18:56
Tarot cards?	0:18:56	0:18:58
Tea leaves. Oh.	0:18:58	0:19:00
Say that again, Phoebe. I missed it.	0:19:00	0:19:03
Tuvia? No, why would I have seen her?	0:19:03	0:19:07
She-she did?	0:19:07	0:19:09
Who's Tuvia?	0:19:09	0:19:10
To Manhattan?	0:19:10	0:19:12
Who's Tuvia?	0:19:12	0:19:13
Yeah.	0:19:15	0:19:16
BARRIS: Uh-huh.	0:19:19	0:19:20
Oh, your niece.	0:19:23	0:19:24
Divorced? Really?	0:19:24	0:19:27
I didn't know she got married.	0:19:27	0:19:29
Yes?	0:19:30	0:19:31
Hi, Tuvia.	0:19:33	0:19:35
Well, if it isn't strawberry Dick Barris.	0:19:38	0:19:41
What do you want? HE LAUGHS	0:19:41	0:19:43
I'm back in town for a while,	0:19:43	0:19:45
and I thought maybe...	0:19:45	0:19:46
Jesus, you gotta be kidding.	0:19:46	0:19:48
We could go out and get an ice cream cone.	0:19:48	0:19:49
He's so convincing when he's... HE LAUGHS	0:19:49	0:19:51
..when he's talkin' with you,	0:19:51	0:19:53
he could convince you of anything, you know?	0:19:53	0:19:55
He's one of the very few guys	0:19:55	0:19:57
I'd like to have on my side...	0:19:57	0:19:59
on my side in a street fight.	0:19:59	0:20:01
You wanna fight, you big pile of shit?	0:20:01	0:20:03
GRUNTING AND SHOUTING	0:20:04	0:20:06
You're a pretty angry young fella.	0:20:15	0:20:17
Can't fight worth a damn, though.	0:20:17	0:20:19
Hey, screw off, queer.	0:20:19	0:20:21
Don't think I haven't seen you watching me	0:20:21	0:20:22
in that bar for a week now.	0:20:22	0:20:24
Kind of a loner, I'd say.	0:20:24	0:20:25
Fairly bright, a tad anti-social.	0:20:25	0:20:28
Mad at the world. Can I buy you lunch?	0:20:28	0:20:30
Look, there's a schoolyard half a block down.	0:20:32	0:20:34
Why don't you go trollin' there?	0:20:34	0:20:37
I can teach you at least 30 different ways	0:20:37	0:20:39
to kill a man with a single blow, Mr Barris.	0:20:39	0:20:41
It might help in future bar fights.	0:20:41	0:20:43
Just a thought.	0:20:43	0:20:45
Oh, and there's money in it -	0:20:45	0:20:47
good money.	0:20:47	0:20:48
You know, I figure if I can keep afloat	0:20:49	0:20:52
until I come up with the next game show idea,	0:20:52	0:20:54
then all would be copacetic.	0:20:54	0:20:56
That sounds great, Chuck.	0:20:56	0:20:58
You know, I've never known	0:20:58	0:21:00
a television producer before.	0:21:00	0:21:01
I'm impressed.	0:21:01	0:21:02
Yeah(!) OK.	0:21:02	0:21:04
What's this money and a deal you were talking about?	0:21:04	0:21:06
I work for a government agency.	0:21:06	0:21:09
We're always looking for good, enthusiastic men	0:21:09	0:21:11
to help us carry out our directives.	0:21:11	0:21:14
What kind of work? What government agency?	0:21:20	0:21:22
Problem-solving work.	0:21:24	0:21:26
The office of diplomatic security.	0:21:26	0:21:28
Office of what?	0:21:28	0:21:31
I never heard of it.	0:21:31	0:21:32
Is that the fuckin' CIA or something?	0:21:32	0:21:34
HE LAUGHS	0:21:34	0:21:37
Please be discreet, Mr Barris.	0:21:37	0:21:39
(Jesus.)	0:21:51	0:21:53
Is this the fuckin' CIA?	0:21:53	0:21:55
Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy.	0:21:56	0:21:58
Where do I sign up? Are you fuckin' with me?	0:21:58	0:22:01
You're fuckin' with me, aren't you?	0:22:01	0:22:02
Hardly.	0:22:02	0:22:04
And you wouldn't be working for the company.	0:22:04	0:22:06
You'd be an independent contract agent.	0:22:06	0:22:09
Independent.	0:22:09	0:22:10
No official tie to any agency.	0:22:10	0:22:12
BARRIS GULPS Understand?	0:22:13	0:22:15
Why me?	0:22:18	0:22:19
Well, as you know, I've been watching you.	0:22:21	0:22:23
For quite some time, actually.	0:22:23	0:22:25
I've only let you know about it for the last week.	0:22:25	0:22:27
I'm happy to report	0:22:27	0:22:29
you fit our profile, Mr Barris.	0:22:29	0:22:32
Are you interested in the work?	0:22:32	0:22:34
Wh-What's the profile?	0:22:37	0:22:38
Are you interested in the work, Mr Barris?	0:22:38	0:22:42
Yeah, sure. I wanna be a secret agent.	0:22:42	0:22:44
A contract agent, whatever.	0:22:44	0:22:46
Get to fuck beautiful Eastern European women.	0:22:46	0:22:48
What we do is very serious, Mr Barris.	0:22:48	0:22:51
It's essential in quelling	0:22:51	0:22:52
the rise of communism	0:22:52	0:22:54
and allowing democracy	0:22:54	0:22:55
to get its rightful foothold	0:22:55	0:22:56
around the globe.	0:22:56	0:22:58
You understand?	0:22:58	0:23:00
Uh...sure.	0:23:02	0:23:04
Yeah, uh...	0:23:04	0:23:05
Yeah, OK. That's good.	0:23:05	0:23:08
INSTRUCTOR: There are several efficient methods	0:23:22	0:23:25
for killing a man	0:23:25	0:23:27
were you to find yourself without a weapon.	0:23:27	0:23:29
The edge of your hand	0:23:29	0:23:32
against your adversary's Adam's apple.	0:23:32	0:23:34
This will crush his windpipe,	0:23:34	0:23:36
causing strangulation...	0:23:36	0:23:39
and death.	0:23:39	0:23:40
Hyuhh!	0:23:43	0:23:44
MAN ON GROUND GARGLES Shit!	0:23:44	0:23:47
I need another volunteer.	0:23:49	0:23:51
You're training me to be a killer.	0:23:53	0:23:55
See, Chuck? I knew you were fairly bright.	0:23:55	0:23:58
Look, I'm not killin' people.	0:23:58	0:23:59
My future's in television.	0:23:59	0:24:01
You're 32 years old,	0:24:01	0:24:03
and you've achieved nothing.	0:24:03	0:24:04
Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33.	0:24:04	0:24:07
You better get crackin'.	0:24:07	0:24:08
I have ideas for shows.	0:24:08	0:24:10
Good. Why don't you spend	0:24:10	0:24:11
another six months developing them	0:24:11	0:24:13
while you're staring out the window	0:24:13	0:24:14
waiting for Larry Goldberg to call?	0:24:14	0:24:17
How do you know all this?	0:24:17	0:24:18
I know everything about you, Chuck.	0:24:18	0:24:20
I know which hand you jerk off with.	0:24:20	0:24:22
Left.	0:24:22	0:24:24
Leave in the morning, if you want.	0:24:24	0:24:25
I'm here to tell you, this is honest work	0:24:25	0:24:27
for good pay.	0:24:27	0:24:28
You're making the world safer,	0:24:28	0:24:30
and your country will be grateful.	0:24:30	0:24:32
It'll toughen you up.	0:24:33	0:24:36
W-w-wait a second.	0:24:36	0:24:38
Hey, we gotta talk about this.	0:24:38	0:24:40
'And there it was - my defining moment.	0:24:40	0:24:45
'I wasn't just gonna work for the CIA,	0:24:45	0:24:47
'I was gonna kill for them.	0:24:47	0:24:50
'Call it patriotism.'	0:24:51	0:24:54
GUNFIRE	0:24:54	0:24:55
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS	0:24:55	0:24:57
Glycerine is, of course,	0:25:33	0:25:35
the best known nitrating agent.	0:25:35	0:25:38
Keep in mind, though, that nitro...glycerine	0:25:38	0:25:43
is extremely unstable.	0:25:43	0:25:45
A slight tap...	0:25:47	0:25:49
a one-degree change in temperature...	0:25:49	0:25:53
and it'll blow up in your hands.	0:25:53	0:25:56
So, let's mix us up a batch!	0:25:59	0:26:01
Everybody take your 75-milliliter beaker	0:26:01	0:26:04
and fill it up to the 13-milliliter level	0:26:04	0:26:06
with red-hot fumin' nitric acid -	0:26:06	0:26:09
98% concentration.	0:26:09	0:26:11
The field phone -	0:26:14	0:26:16
used as an instrument of interrogation...	0:26:16	0:26:19
or torture.	0:26:19	0:26:20
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES	0:26:22	0:26:23
Attaching firmly to the genitalia.	0:26:25	0:26:28
FIZZING AND POPPING	0:26:28	0:26:30
Hey, Ivan!	0:26:30	0:26:32
Are you now, or have you ever been	0:26:32	0:26:35
a member of the Communist Party?	0:26:35	0:26:36
What's your Aunt Tillie's recipe for vodka cookies?	0:26:36	0:26:40
INSTRUCTOR LAUGHS	0:26:40	0:26:42
All right, Jack.	0:26:51	0:26:52
Take care, Lee.	0:26:52	0:26:54
STARTS ENGINE	0:27:14	0:27:16
I know a lot about him that you are not gonna know.	0:27:19	0:27:21
I can't tell you.	0:27:21	0:27:23
Yeah.	0:27:23	0:27:24
I know some things about him	0:27:24	0:27:26
that are very distressing,	0:27:26	0:27:28
and, um...	0:27:28	0:27:30
and you wouldn't want to know them about him.	0:27:30	0:27:33
JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS	0:27:33	0:27:36
BARRIS: So, what did this guy Renda do, anyway?	0:27:46	0:27:48
It's your job to follow directives,	0:27:48	0:27:50
not question their validity.	0:27:50	0:27:51
BARRIS: Oh... Oh.	0:27:51	0:27:53
Por favor, uh, senor...	0:27:53	0:27:55
No hablo ingles.	0:27:55	0:27:56
Ra-blah-blah los bloteros?	0:27:56	0:27:58
MAN IN WHITE HAT MUTTERS	0:27:58	0:27:59
Ra-blah-blah la minjares?	0:27:59	0:28:02
Hermano, help me, please.	0:28:02	0:28:03
Senor, no habla ingles.	0:28:03	0:28:05
No, no, no, no.	0:28:05	0:28:06
BENITEZ: Can I be of some assistance?	0:28:06	0:28:08
JIM: He's a bad guy.	0:28:08	0:28:09
He's one of the bad guys.	0:28:09	0:28:13
Bad for the US, right, Jim?	0:28:13	0:28:14
Not bad in an absolute sense,	0:28:14	0:28:16
just bad for the US.	0:28:16	0:28:17
Don't fuckin' dance with me.	0:28:17	0:28:18
Renda's bad for the tea and biscuit company.	0:28:18	0:28:21
He's bad for me personally.	0:28:21	0:28:22
You work for me. Renda's bad for me.	0:28:22	0:28:25
You're now officially a patriotic citizen	0:28:25	0:28:27
of the United States of Jim Byrd.	0:28:27	0:28:29
There's no backing out now.	0:28:29	0:28:30
We've let you in on everything.	0:28:30	0:28:32
You don't play, you don't leave.	0:28:32	0:28:33
You understand that?	0:28:33	0:28:34
You don't play, you don't leave.	0:28:34	0:28:37
I like you. I do.	0:28:40	0:28:42
And you're gonna do fine tomorrow,	0:28:42	0:28:44
and we're gonna become good friends.	0:28:44	0:28:46
You can have a nice little career,	0:28:52	0:28:53
but you have to grow up. There's a war on.	0:28:53	0:28:56
STARTS ENGINE	0:29:03	0:29:04
INSECTS BUZZING	0:29:16	0:29:18
"STAR SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYS	0:29:22	0:29:24
JIM: Beautiful country, isn't it?	0:29:37	0:29:39
Yeah.	0:29:39	0:29:40
You did us proud today, Chuck.	0:29:42	0:29:46
Renda was a bad guy.	0:29:46	0:29:48
He really was.	0:29:48	0:29:49
VOMITING	0:29:54	0:29:56
Chuck, is that you?	0:29:58	0:29:59
Jesus Christ, Pen.	0:29:59	0:30:00
You scared the shit out of me.	0:30:00	0:30:02
Were you throwing up?	0:30:02	0:30:03
What are you doing here?	0:30:03	0:30:04
I've been crashing here for a while.	0:30:04	0:30:05
I've been waiting for you. Where you been?	0:30:05	0:30:07
Mexico. I was just on a little vacation.	0:30:07	0:30:09
Oh, you didn't drink the water, did you?	0:30:09	0:30:11
Y-Yeah.	0:30:11	0:30:12
Oh, you're not supposed to.	0:30:12	0:30:13
That's Montessori's Revenge.	0:30:13	0:30:15
Uh, Montezuma's. Right.	0:30:15	0:30:16
I mean, you can't even open your eyes or your mouth	0:30:16	0:30:18
when you take a shower there.	0:30:18	0:30:20
Why is our water so good, and their water is poisoned?	0:30:20	0:30:22
It's in the same ocean.	0:30:22	0:30:23
I don't know. I don't know.	0:30:23	0:30:25
Oh.	0:30:25	0:30:26
Huh.	0:30:26	0:30:28
Um...	0:30:28	0:30:30
I'm a hippie now.	0:30:30	0:30:31
BOTH LAUGH	0:30:31	0:30:32
Wow.	0:30:32	0:30:34
I've been to San Francisco,	0:30:34	0:30:35
And it's amazing there.	0:30:35	0:30:36
SNAPS FINGERS Everybody loves everybody,	0:30:36	0:30:39
and there's so many colours.	0:30:39	0:30:40
And we're going to change the world.	0:30:40	0:30:42
Will you come back there and be my old man with me?	0:30:44	0:30:46
Ha ha! Uh...	0:30:46	0:30:47
Well, not that old.	0:30:47	0:30:49
Penny, I'm a little tired now, so maybe...	0:30:49	0:30:51
Oh, wait, wait. I got to play you this song.	0:30:51	0:30:53
MUSIC: "Sunshine Superman" by Donovan	0:30:58	0:31:00
Penny. Penny, what did you do to my wall?	0:31:18	0:31:21
Oh, some guy called -	0:31:21	0:31:23
Gold Bird.	0:31:23	0:31:25
Gold Bird. Larry Goldberg?	0:31:25	0:31:27
You... You're kidding me!	0:31:27	0:31:29
Hi. This is Chuck Barris returning for Larry Goldberg.	0:31:29	0:31:33
'Hi, Chuck.'	0:31:33	0:31:34
Mr Goldberg.	0:31:34	0:31:36
I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you right away.	0:31:36	0:31:38
I was out of town. I was on vacation in Mexico.	0:31:38	0:31:40
'Well, good for you.	0:31:40	0:31:41
'Listen, I'm sitting here and going through things,	0:31:41	0:31:43
'and I have a hole in my daytime schedule.	0:31:43	0:31:46
'I think it might be right for you and your baby.'	0:31:46	0:31:47
My... My baby, Mr Goldberg?	0:31:47	0:31:49
'Chuck, Dating Game.	0:31:49	0:31:51
'Isn't that your baby?'	0:31:51	0:31:52
Yes, sir, it is.	0:31:52	0:31:53
'Well, you still interested?'	0:31:53	0:31:54
Yes, sir. Very interested.	0:31:54	0:31:56
'Well, I've got six weeks to get this on the air.	0:31:56	0:31:58
'Is that doable for you and your people?'	0:31:58	0:32:00
Uh, my people?	0:32:00	0:32:01
Six weeks? Sure, yeah.	0:32:01	0:32:04
'Well, give me a call when you get to LA, Chuck.'	0:32:04	0:32:06
Oh, goddamn.	0:32:08	0:32:11
Hot dog.	0:32:11	0:32:13
Fucking shit. Piss.	0:32:13	0:32:15
Who's Larry Goldberg?	0:32:15	0:32:17
STOMACH GURGLES	0:32:17	0:32:20
APPLAUSE	0:32:20	0:32:21
Bachelor number one,	0:32:21	0:32:24
what would I like most about you?	0:32:24	0:32:27
I'm very romantic,	0:32:27	0:32:30
and I'd send you flowers every day.	0:32:30	0:32:32
BACHELORETTE: Aw, that's so sweet.	0:32:32	0:32:34
Bachelor number three, what would I like most about you?	0:32:34	0:32:38
My big cock.	0:32:38	0:32:40
LAUGHTER	0:32:40	0:32:43
LIGHT APPLAUSE	0:32:43	0:32:46
LAUGHS	0:32:46	0:32:48
BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number one,	0:32:48	0:32:50
What nationality are you?	0:32:50	0:32:52
BACHELOR NUMBER ONE: Um...	0:32:52	0:32:53
My daddy is Welsh,	0:32:53	0:32:55
My mama's Hungarian,	0:32:55	0:32:57
so I guess that makes me well-hung.	0:32:57	0:33:00
LAUGHTER	0:33:00	0:33:03
Bachelor number two,	0:33:03	0:33:06
I play the trombone.	0:33:06	0:33:07
If I blew you, what would you sound like?	0:33:07	0:33:11
BACHELOR NUMBER TWO: What would I sound like?	0:33:11	0:33:13
LAUGHS	0:33:13	0:33:14
All right.	0:33:14	0:33:16
Ooh.	0:33:16	0:33:18
Ooh.	0:33:18	0:33:20
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.	0:33:20	0:33:23
Ooh. Ooh.	0:33:23	0:33:26
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.	0:33:26	0:33:29
Ooh.	0:33:29	0:33:31
That's nice. Don't stop.	0:33:31	0:33:33
Oh.	0:33:33	0:33:34
IMITATES TROMBONE	0:33:34	0:33:36
Blow it, baby.	0:33:40	0:33:42
IMITATES TROMBONE PLAYING SHAKILY	0:33:42	0:33:45
SHOES SQUEAK	0:33:47	0:33:49
Heh heh.	0:33:49	0:33:51
Chuck, quite frankly,	0:33:52	0:33:53
these episodes are unairable.	0:33:53	0:33:55
CHUCK: Look, Larry,	0:33:55	0:33:57
the show's spontaneous.	0:33:57	0:33:58
It's unscripted. That's its charm.	0:33:58	0:34:01
I can't help what people say.	0:34:01	0:34:02
< Be that as it may, Mr Barris,	0:34:02	0:34:03
we can't have black men	0:34:03	0:34:05
getting blow jobs on national television!	0:34:05	0:34:07
The point is not that he's black, Hank.	0:34:07	0:34:09
HANK: Well, I know that.	0:34:09	0:34:10
LARRY: Chuck, that's it. We can't air this stuff.	0:34:10	0:34:12
If you can't retain your spontaneity	0:34:12	0:34:14
on the show without this lewd conduct,	0:34:14	0:34:16
it's over, it's finished, you're history.	0:34:16	0:34:19
Now, you fix this fucking thing,	0:34:19	0:34:20
or we got a problem.	0:34:20	0:34:21
Hi, folks.	0:34:24	0:34:26
Before we begin taping today,	0:34:26	0:34:27
I'd like to introduce you to Mr Peter Jenks	0:34:27	0:34:30
of the Federal Communications Commission.	0:34:30	0:34:32
OK?	0:34:32	0:34:33
Thank you, Mr Barris.	0:34:37	0:34:38
I don't know if any of you	0:34:52	0:34:56
are aware of this...	0:34:56	0:34:58
..but it's a federal offence	0:34:59	0:35:02
to make lascivious remarks	0:35:02	0:35:04
on a television network broadcast.	0:35:04	0:35:07
The penalty...	0:35:10	0:35:12
..for this disgusting...	0:35:15	0:35:17
..un-American...	0:35:20	0:35:22
behaviour...	0:35:22	0:35:24
is one year in prison	0:35:24	0:35:27
or a 10,000 fine...	0:35:27	0:35:30
or both!	0:35:30	0:35:32
Anyone...	0:35:34	0:35:36
making a sick subversive remark tonight	0:35:36	0:35:40
will be arrested immediately.	0:35:40	0:35:43
I, then, will personally escort	0:35:43	0:35:44
the offender to federal prison	0:35:44	0:35:46
for booking under edict number 364	0:35:46	0:35:48
of the Broadcasting Act of 1963.	0:35:48	0:35:52
And it's a long drive to that prison, baby.	0:35:52	0:35:56
Just you and me.	0:35:56	0:35:59
No witnesses!	0:35:59	0:36:02
CHUCK: OK, have fun, everybody.	0:36:18	0:36:20
All right.	0:36:20	0:36:21
They gave everybody jackets	0:36:21	0:36:23
with their names on them,	0:36:23	0:36:24
and when we got number one ratings	0:36:24	0:36:26
on Saturday nights,	0:36:26	0:36:27
everybody got a gold plaque.	0:36:27	0:36:29
And so, he was a good boss,	0:36:29	0:36:31
and obviously had the common touch,	0:36:31	0:36:33
because he really knew	0:36:33	0:36:35
what people wanted to watch.	0:36:35	0:36:36
BARRIS: 'We aired and became a big hit.	0:36:36	0:36:40
'A phenomenon, really.'	0:36:40	0:36:41
Hey, baby.	0:36:41	0:36:44
I got a story to tell you.	0:36:44	0:36:45
Asshole. I know, I know.	0:36:46	0:36:48
Uhh. I got a little story for you.	0:36:48	0:36:50
I'm busy. We're in the middle	0:36:50	0:36:52
of a bachelorette crisis out there.	0:36:52	0:36:53
Oh, sit down, relax.	0:36:53	0:36:55
Take a load off. Make yourself at home.	0:36:55	0:36:57
I just got a call from the network. You want a drink?	0:36:57	0:36:59
You got any weed?	0:36:59	0:37:00
I wish. No, no weed.	0:37:00	0:37:03
Then I'll have a drink.	0:37:03	0:37:04
Bad news?	0:37:05	0:37:06
The Tammy Grimes Show is being pulled	0:37:06	0:37:07
from Saturday night.	0:37:07	0:37:09
LORETTA: Oh, not Tammy.	0:37:09	0:37:11
Ha ha ha ha.	0:37:11	0:37:12
They want me to put a primetime version	0:37:12	0:37:13
of The Dating Game on in its place.	0:37:13	0:37:15
That's fucking great.	0:37:17	0:37:18
Yeah, it's great, it's great,	0:37:18	0:37:19
but they say the daytime version is not hot enough.	0:37:19	0:37:21
They want me to make it more exciting for night time.	0:37:21	0:37:23
I got 48 hours.	0:37:23	0:37:25
What have you got?	0:37:26	0:37:28
SIGHS	0:37:28	0:37:30
I don't have a clue.	0:37:30	0:37:31
I got nothing. I got bupkus.	0:37:31	0:37:32
This is a big deal, Loretta.	0:37:32	0:37:34
This could be my big break.	0:37:34	0:37:35
I know.	0:37:35	0:37:37
Don't blow it.	0:37:40	0:37:41
Oh, thanks for the help.	0:37:41	0:37:43
SIGHS	0:37:47	0:37:49
SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS	0:37:51	0:37:53
Let me ask you something, Chuck.	0:38:04	0:38:06
Jesus. What the...?	0:38:06	0:38:07
What are you doing here?	0:38:07	0:38:09
You see, I've been put in charge	0:38:09	0:38:10
of a fairly large wet operation,	0:38:10	0:38:12
and I could use your help.	0:38:12	0:38:14
SCOFFS	0:38:14	0:38:15
DOOR CLOSES	0:38:15	0:38:16
Have you noticed, Jim? I got a TV show on the air.	0:38:18	0:38:19
I don't need to kill people for hire any more.	0:38:19	0:38:21
I know you don't need to, but you like to.	0:38:21	0:38:24
Bullshit.	0:38:24	0:38:25
Think of it as a hobby -	0:38:25	0:38:27
something you do to relax.	0:38:27	0:38:29
You can be an assassination enthusiast,	0:38:29	0:38:31
a murder bug.	0:38:31	0:38:32
I got important things to think about here.	0:38:32	0:38:34
I don't have time to fuck around with you.	0:38:34	0:38:35
This is serious work we're talking about, Chuck -	0:38:35	0:38:37
serious work.	0:38:37	0:38:39
Now, how about I help you out with your little show,	0:38:39	0:38:42
you help me out with my little operation?	0:38:42	0:38:43
Tit for tat. That's the kind of guy I am.	0:38:43	0:38:45
Oh, yeah. You're a piece of work.	0:38:45	0:38:47
I've seen this Dating Game of yours, Chuck,	0:38:47	0:38:49
and I do have a thought.	0:38:49	0:38:50
What, now you're a big television producer?	0:38:50	0:38:53
Hey, I'm John Q Public when it comes to TV,	0:38:53	0:38:55
and that should make my opinion of value to you.	0:38:55	0:38:59
All right, let's hear it, then.	0:38:59	0:39:00
All right.	0:39:00	0:39:02
What do you have? Some couple gets sent	0:39:02	0:39:04
to some second-rate shit-can restaurant	0:39:04	0:39:06
and set you back 50 bucks?	0:39:06	0:39:08
That's not too exciting a prize	0:39:08	0:39:09
for us vicarious living boobs	0:39:09	0:39:11
out in TV land.	0:39:11	0:39:12
What's your point?	0:39:12	0:39:13
Up the stakes, Chuck.	0:39:13	0:39:14
Send them to some exotic locale -	0:39:14	0:39:16
Europe, southeast Asia, for example.	0:39:16	0:39:20
The network's not going to let me send	0:39:21	0:39:22
two unmarried kids on vacation together.	0:39:22	0:39:24
Send them with a chaperone.	0:39:24	0:39:25
That's...	0:39:29	0:39:30
That's not half bad.	0:39:35	0:39:36
I'm telling you.	0:39:36	0:39:38
Sometimes you could be the chaperone.	0:39:38	0:39:40
Say we have a job for you in Austria.	0:39:40	0:39:43
You, a successful television producer,	0:39:43	0:39:45
chaperones a young couple.	0:39:45	0:39:47
While you're there, you take care	0:39:47	0:39:48
of some company business.	0:39:48	0:39:49
It's a perfect cover.	0:39:49	0:39:51
TV producer by day,	0:39:51	0:39:52
CIA operative at night.	0:39:52	0:39:54
I got money, Jim.	0:39:54	0:39:55
I don't have to kill people for money any more.	0:39:55	0:39:58
Chuck, when I said you fit the profile,	0:39:58	0:39:59
very little of that meant you needed the money.	0:39:59	0:40:02
You liked it with Renda.	0:40:02	0:40:03
I saw it in your eyes.	0:40:03	0:40:06
You liked it, but you botched it.	0:40:06	0:40:08
You could be a great warrior, Chuck.	0:40:11	0:40:13
BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number three,	0:40:13	0:40:15
if we were fixed up on a date,	0:40:15	0:40:17
and I ignored you...	0:40:17	0:40:18
This guy's never been on a date.	0:40:18	0:40:20
SNAPS FINGERS Ready, four. Take four.	0:40:20	0:40:22
Well, I'm not used to being ignored,	0:40:22	0:40:24
But I would... I'd give you your space.	0:40:24	0:40:26
The only date this guy's had is with his right hand.	0:40:26	0:40:29
BOTH LAUGH	0:40:29	0:40:31
Ready, one. Take one.	0:40:31	0:40:33
LAUGHTER	0:40:33	0:40:35
Bachelor number three, what if I pick you...	0:40:35	0:40:38
DIRECTOR: God, she's going for the three.	0:40:38	0:40:40
What would you do?	0:40:40	0:40:41
SNAPS FINGERS Ready, four. Take four.	0:40:41	0:40:42
The only way that you could be ugly	0:40:42	0:40:44
is by what you say or do.	0:40:44	0:40:47
I don't know. From where I'm sitting,	0:40:47	0:40:49
I-I think you're beautiful.	0:40:49	0:40:50
DIRECTOR: I can't believe it.	0:40:50	0:40:51
BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number three,	0:40:51	0:40:53
can you please tell me what a girl is like	0:40:53	0:40:54
who has never been on a date before	0:40:54	0:40:56
and how you can tell?	0:40:56	0:40:59
Well...	0:40:59	0:41:00
I'll ask her what she likes to do,	0:41:00	0:41:03
and if she doesn't know what she likes to do,	0:41:03	0:41:06
then I'll know she hasn't done it yet.	0:41:06	0:41:08
APPLAUSE	0:41:08	0:41:09
INCIDENTAL GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS	0:41:09	0:41:11
BACHELOR NUMBER THREE: Why don't you talk to her?	0:41:21	0:41:23
You can do that.	0:41:23	0:41:25
She's real shy.	0:41:25	0:41:28
You have to tell her. That's your job.	0:41:28	0:41:30
Tell her that I think she's real pretty,	0:41:30	0:41:33
and I want to be her boyfriend.	0:41:33	0:41:36
I'm shy, too.	0:41:36	0:41:38
You got to tell her that, Chuck.	0:41:38	0:41:40
I used to skate when I was young.	0:41:40	0:41:41
I told her that. She didn't even look at me.	0:41:41	0:41:44
You got to talk to her, Chuck.	0:41:44	0:41:45
It's your job.	0:41:45	0:41:46
She picked me. She didn't pick those other guys.	0:41:46	0:41:49
You're the chaperone, Chuck.	0:41:49	0:41:52
She called me gay.	0:41:56	0:41:57
I'm not gay.	0:41:57	0:41:59
You got to tell her that.	0:41:59	0:42:01
You're not doing your job very well.	0:42:01	0:42:03
I mean, I-I know it takes time	0:42:03	0:42:04
for people to get to know each other,	0:42:04	0:42:06
but this is ridiculous.	0:42:06	0:42:08
They... They thought he was...	0:42:08	0:42:11
He... They sort of walked a straight line,	0:42:11	0:42:13
because they used to talk about him,	0:42:13	0:42:15
saying, you know, "This guy, he can turn on you."	0:42:15	0:42:17
You know, and I never saw that side,	0:42:17	0:42:20
but a lot of the crew thought	0:42:20	0:42:21
he could turn on them.	0:42:21	0:42:23
Chuck?	0:42:23	0:42:25
SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS	0:42:27	0:42:29
BARRIS: Helsinki is wonderful	0:42:29	0:42:30
this time of year.	0:42:30	0:42:32
Especially the snow.	0:42:32	0:42:36
It affords one solitude,	0:42:36	0:42:38
even in a city full of people.	0:42:38	0:42:40
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?	0:42:53	0:42:57
By you.	0:42:57	0:42:58
SIGHS	0:43:02	0:43:05
Helsinki is wonderful	0:43:05	0:43:06
this time of year, isn't it?	0:43:06	0:43:08
Yes, it is.	0:43:08	0:43:10
Oh, I'm sorry.	0:43:17	0:43:18
Um...	0:43:18	0:43:21
Excuse me.	0:43:29	0:43:30
Helsinki is wonderful	0:43:42	0:43:44
this time of year, isn't it?	0:43:44	0:43:46
Especially the snow.	0:43:46	0:43:48
It affords one solitude,	0:43:48	0:43:49
even in a city full of people.	0:43:49	0:43:51
Hey...	0:43:51	0:43:52
I'm Chuck. Ahem.	0:43:55	0:43:57
So I gathered.	0:43:57	0:44:00
And you are?	0:44:00	0:44:01
Here you are, Chuck.	0:44:03	0:44:05
At least give me a made-up name -	0:44:07	0:44:09
something for me to cry out	0:44:09	0:44:12
during those dark nights of the soul.	0:44:12	0:44:14
Cry out, "Olivia".	0:44:18	0:44:20
That's Twelfth Night.	0:44:21	0:44:23
Very good, Chuck.	0:44:23	0:44:26
I'm pleasantly surprised.	0:44:26	0:44:29
You're not like the other murderers.	0:44:29	0:44:32
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS	0:44:42	0:44:44
MAN: Here.	0:44:47	0:44:49
Do you have it?	0:44:49	0:44:51
Do you have it?	0:44:51	0:44:52
Oh, sorry.	0:44:52	0:44:54
Don't worry. We're not going to cheat you.	0:44:59	0:45:00
Yeah, just the same.	0:45:00	0:45:02
Oop. Sorry about your teeth.	0:45:02	0:45:04
FIRES WITH SILENCER	0:45:04	0:45:05
BODY FALLS	0:45:05	0:45:07
FIRES WITH SILENCER	0:45:07	0:45:09
Chuck?	0:45:19	0:45:20
Chuck?	0:45:24	0:45:26
MUSIC FADES	0:45:49	0:45:52
EXHALING, WHISTLING	0:45:52	0:45:54
HUMS	0:45:58	0:46:00
"MOONLIGHT SONATA" PLAYS	0:46:00	0:46:02
Olivia?	0:46:07	0:46:08
It's Patricia, actually.	0:46:13	0:46:16
PATRICIA: So, then I spent a year in Operation Chaos	0:46:16	0:46:18
inside the anti-war movement,	0:46:18	0:46:20
nudging it towards violence to discredit it.	0:46:20	0:46:23
That was fun.	0:46:23	0:46:25
It sounds fun. It sounds fun.	0:46:25	0:46:28
So, tell me, Patricia,	0:46:28	0:46:29
why did you come up here tonight?	0:46:29	0:46:32
Ahem.	0:46:33	0:46:35
I don't know. Um...	0:46:35	0:46:37
You're kind of cute in a homely sort of way, and...	0:46:37	0:46:41
..it's lonely when the civilian you're fucking	0:46:43	0:46:46
calls out the name on your fake passport.	0:46:46	0:46:48
All the information I have about myself	0:46:48	0:46:50
is from forged documents.	0:46:50	0:46:53
Nabokov.	0:46:56	0:46:57
MOONLIGHT SONATA CONTINUES	0:46:57	0:46:59
GLASS SHATTERS	0:47:16	0:47:17
OBJECTS CLATTER	0:47:17	0:47:19
Wait, wait. Wait, wait.	0:47:29	0:47:30
Actually, I just got to go into the bathroom	0:47:30	0:47:31
and take care of something.	0:47:31	0:47:33
Leave the microfilm in, baby.	0:47:35	0:47:37
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS	0:47:38	0:47:40
# Hoo!	0:47:40	0:47:41
# Huhh! #	0:47:44	0:47:45
Chuck, Chuck.	0:47:45	0:47:46
# Hey! #	0:47:46	0:47:47
Do you know when my episode is going to air?	0:47:50	0:47:54
OK.	0:47:54	0:47:55
Well, see you, Chuck. Bye.	0:47:55	0:47:57
BYRD: Chuck, this is Simon Oliver.	0:47:57	0:47:59
- Hey. - Everything go OK?	0:47:59	0:48:01
You don't look too good.	0:48:01	0:48:02
Mr Barris, do not ever again	0:48:02	0:48:04
jeopardise one of my missions	0:48:04	0:48:05
by having a game show contestant	0:48:05	0:48:06
standing around as a witness.	0:48:06	0:48:07
Is that understood?	0:48:07	0:48:08
You're welcome, pal.	0:48:08	0:48:10
Do I make myself clear?	0:48:10	0:48:11
Fuck you. They're my contestants.	0:48:11	0:48:13
You are a bloody amateur.	0:48:13	0:48:15
You're a faggot. Chuck.	0:48:15	0:48:16
OLIVER: Tell me, Mr Barris.	0:48:16	0:48:18
Are you in possession of my microfilm?	0:48:18	0:48:20
Yeah, I got it.	0:48:20	0:48:21
Let's have it, then.	0:48:21	0:48:22
It's up my ass, Oliver.	0:48:22	0:48:23
Why don't you reach on up there and get it?	0:48:23	0:48:25
What is this shit?	0:48:25	0:48:26
I just feel I deserve a little appreciation	0:48:26	0:48:28
for my efforts here, Jim.	0:48:28	0:48:30
What do you think Patricia Watson was?	0:48:30	0:48:33
Prick.	0:48:38	0:48:40
EUBANKS: Really? OK. He said	0:48:40	0:48:41
he dated none of them. That's right.	0:48:41	0:48:43
APPLAUSE	0:48:43	0:48:45
Sandra?	0:48:47	0:48:48
- Um, six of them. - Six of them.	0:48:48	0:48:51
Well, if it isn't the hit man.	0:48:51	0:48:53
What?	0:48:53	0:48:55
The hit man.	0:48:55	0:48:57
ALL: Surprise!	0:48:57	0:48:59
CHEERING	0:48:59	0:49:02
ABC's going to pick up The newlywed game!	0:49:02	0:49:03
Daytime and primetime!	0:49:03	0:49:04
You're kidding me! Oh, my god!	0:49:04	0:49:06
That's sensational. You mean it?	0:49:06	0:49:08
Fantastic!	0:49:08	0:49:09
Whoo!	0:49:09	0:49:10
EUBANKS: OK, here's the last of our five-point questions.	0:49:10	0:49:13
Girls, tell me where, specifically,	0:49:13	0:49:15
is the weirdest place	0:49:15	0:49:17
that you personally, girls,	0:49:17	0:49:19
have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee.	0:49:19	0:49:22
The weirdest place. Olga?	0:49:22	0:49:26
Um...	0:49:26	0:49:28
AUDIENCE LAUGHS	0:49:28	0:49:30
EUBANKS: Yes, Olga?	0:49:31	0:49:32
In the ass?	0:49:34	0:49:36
AUDIENCE LAUGHS	0:49:36	0:49:38
No, no, no.	0:49:38	0:49:39
No, the...	0:49:39	0:49:40
HUSBAND: It's still there.	0:49:40	0:49:41
No, no. What I'm talking about	0:49:41	0:49:43
is the weirdest location, the weirdest place. Yeah.	0:49:43	0:49:46
LAUGHS I don't know.	0:49:46	0:49:49
AUDIENCE LAUGHS	0:49:49	0:49:51
Oh!	0:49:53	0:49:54
EUBANKS: Olga...	0:49:55	0:49:57
HUSBAND: Yeah?	0:49:57	0:49:59
Olga, the word is the location or place.	0:49:59	0:50:01
You know what I mean?	0:50:01	0:50:02
# Mucha muchacha	0:50:02	0:50:04
# Mucha muchacha	0:50:04	0:50:06
# Mucha muchacha	0:50:06	0:50:08
# Mucha muchacha	0:50:08	0:50:10
# Mucha muchacha	0:50:10	0:50:12
# Mucha muchacha	0:50:12	0:50:15
# Mucha muchacha	0:50:15	0:50:17
# Ba ba ba ba baile	0:50:17	0:50:19
# Ba	0:50:28	0:50:30
# Ah	0:50:30	0:50:32
# Ah	0:50:32	0:50:35
# Ba ba ba ba ba-ba-ba	0:50:35	0:50:37
# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa	0:50:37	0:50:39
# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa	0:50:39	0:50:41
# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa	0:50:41	0:50:43
# Ra pa ra pa ba ra pa	0:50:43	0:50:46
# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa	0:50:46	0:50:48
# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa! #	0:50:48	0:50:50
BARRIS: I liked Penny.	0:50:51	0:50:53
I even loved her, in my way.	0:50:53	0:50:55
But the idea of tying myself down	0:50:55	0:50:58
for the rest of my life...	0:50:58	0:51:01
I remember my parents' marriage.	0:51:01	0:51:04
We need a new icebox.	0:51:04	0:51:06
RADIO PLAYS FAINTLY	0:51:06	0:51:08
THE NEWLYWED GAME THEME PLAYS	0:51:12	0:51:14
APPLAUSE	0:51:21	0:51:23
AUDIENCE: Ooh...	0:51:29	0:51:31
BARRIS: The Newlywed Game	0:51:32	0:51:34
was based on my theory that almost any American	0:51:34	0:51:36
would sell out their spouse	0:51:36	0:51:38
for a washer, dryer,	0:51:38	0:51:39
or a lawn mower you can ride on.	0:51:39	0:51:41
Such was my respect	0:51:41	0:51:43
for that most holy of unions.	0:51:43	0:51:46
PENNY: "Interpet".	0:51:47	0:51:48
CHUCK: Interpret.	0:51:48	0:51:49
Oh. Well, do you have an extra R I can borrow?	0:51:49	0:51:52
I'm not going to give you a letter.	0:51:52	0:51:54
You're lucky I don't make you forfeit a turn.	0:51:54	0:51:56
Oh, OK.	0:51:56	0:51:58
You look cute today, Pen.	0:51:58	0:52:00
I always look cute. Don't distract me.	0:52:00	0:52:03
BLOWS	0:52:03	0:52:06
What was I going to say?	0:52:06	0:52:07
I don't know. What were you going to say?	0:52:07	0:52:10
MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY	0:52:10	0:52:12
I think we should get married,	0:52:14	0:52:17
because we've known each other forever,	0:52:17	0:52:19
and we've fucked each other forever.	0:52:19	0:52:22
And you think I'm cute, you just said.	0:52:22	0:52:25
And you always come to me when you're in trouble,	0:52:25	0:52:28
and I'm nothing like your mother, and we could...	0:52:28	0:52:30
What does that mean? What is that?	0:52:30	0:52:32
I'm just kidding.	0:52:34	0:52:37
Don't ask me to marry you again, OK?	0:52:37	0:52:39
# I don't use a knife	0:52:39	0:52:42
# Don't need a gun... #	0:52:42	0:52:44
BARRIS: I couldn't breathe.	0:52:45	0:52:47
I was drowning.	0:52:47	0:52:49
And what the fuck did my mother have to do with it?	0:52:49	0:52:52
So I made a call.	0:52:52	0:52:54
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES	0:53:11	0:53:13
BYRD: Over here, strawberry dick.	0:53:15	0:53:17
CHUCK: How do you know those things?	0:53:25	0:53:26
BYRD: We even know what she actually thought	0:53:26	0:53:28
it tasted like.	0:53:28	0:53:29
Really? I could never find that out.	0:53:29	0:53:30
What'd she think?	0:53:30	0:53:31
That's on a need-to-know basis, my friend.	0:53:31	0:53:34
What can I do for you?	0:53:34	0:53:36
I really need something, Jim.	0:53:36	0:53:38
I need something for my head.	0:53:38	0:53:40
I got something for your head.	0:53:44	0:53:46
LANGE: And you're going on your date	0:53:49	0:53:50
to fabulous West Berlin, Germany.	0:53:50	0:53:54
DATING GAME THEME PLAYS	0:53:54	0:53:57
APPLAUSE	0:54:01	0:54:03
MUSIC FADES	0:54:13	0:54:15
ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS	0:54:15	0:54:16
The name's Hans Colbert.	0:54:16	0:54:18
Other side of the wall.	0:54:18	0:54:20
We don't like him very much.	0:54:20	0:54:22
You'll be working with a Kraut named Keeler.	0:54:22	0:54:25
He's been tailing Colbert for a month,	0:54:25	0:54:27
knows the routine. Keeler's a drunk,	0:54:27	0:54:29
so stay sober and take charge.	0:54:29	0:54:32
It's done and done.	0:54:32	0:54:35
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS	0:54:35	0:54:37
Kill for me, baby.	0:54:37	0:54:40
RUMBLING	0:54:50	0:54:53
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES	0:54:53	0:54:55
COUGHS	0:55:02	0:55:04
CLICK	0:55:17	0:55:19
KEELER WRITING	0:55:48	0:55:50
What are you writing, Sieg?	0:56:08	0:56:10
Just keeping track	0:56:13	0:56:15
of anything that happens in the...	0:56:15	0:56:16
SPEAKS GERMAN	0:56:16	0:56:18
Ah.	0:56:23	0:56:25
ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS	0:56:35	0:56:37
MAN: Ja.	0:56:41	0:56:42
CHUCK: What do you say?	0:56:42	0:56:43
Too many people.	0:56:45	0:56:48
LAUGHING	0:56:51	0:56:53
MUSIC STOPS	0:56:56	0:56:58
KEELER WHISTLES FAINTLY	0:57:02	0:57:04
Chuck.	0:57:10	0:57:12
Chuck.	0:57:12	0:57:13
All right.	0:57:13	0:57:14
Take the camera.	0:57:14	0:57:16
What is this?	0:57:16	0:57:18
Aah!	0:57:18	0:57:19
What the...?!	0:57:20	0:57:22
MUFFLED YELLS	0:57:25	0:57:27
Take a picture.	0:57:27	0:57:29
Take a what?	0:57:29	0:57:30
Take a picture.	0:57:30	0:57:31
Picture. Come on.	0:57:33	0:57:36
Take a picture.	0:57:36	0:57:37
Danke schon.	0:57:41	0:57:43
He would disappear for, you know,	0:59:00	0:59:02
a week or so at a time,	0:59:02	0:59:03
and his secretary would just say he's out of town.	0:59:03	0:59:05
We didn't know where he went, so...	0:59:05	0:59:07
I don't know, um... whether it's true or not.	0:59:07	0:59:09
I-I couldn't say.	0:59:09	0:59:11
BARRIS: The only reason the KGB didn't kill me	0:59:29	0:59:32
was they needed me	0:59:32	0:59:33
to trade for one of their Russian agents.	0:59:33	0:59:36
I promised myself if I got out of this,	0:59:48	0:59:51
I'd live my life differently.	0:59:51	0:59:53
I'd throw myself into work,	0:59:53	0:59:55
into life.	0:59:55	0:59:57
Penny. I needed to see Penny again.	0:59:57	1:00:02
And tell Byrd I'm out... for good.	1:00:02	1:00:05
If I could just make it past this one last man...	1:00:07	1:00:10
This one...	1:00:10	1:00:12
last...	1:00:12	1:00:14
I don't know what was worse...	1:00:31	1:00:34
That I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor	1:00:34	1:00:38
or that it took seven of us to replace him.	1:00:38	1:00:41
SHEEP BLEATS	1:00:41	1:00:43
You're still in one piece?	1:00:48	1:00:50
CHUCK: Where the fuck you been?	1:00:50	1:00:52
Did you have a nice flight?	1:00:52	1:00:53
Fuck you! Where you been? I got one contact, Jim,	1:00:53	1:00:56
and it's you, and if you disappear, I got no-one.	1:00:56	1:00:58
You understand?	1:00:58	1:00:59
MUSIC BLARES	1:00:59	1:01:00
# I tip my hat to the new constitution... #	1:01:00	1:01:05
# If I had a hammer	1:01:30	1:01:33
# I'd a-hammer in the morning	1:01:33	1:01:36
# I'd a-hammer in the evening... #	1:01:36	1:01:38
FEMALE EXECUTIVE: She's good, huh?	1:01:38	1:01:39
She's very good. Very good.	1:01:39	1:01:41
That's great. That's great.	1:01:41	1:01:43
That's fine. Thank you so much.	1:01:43	1:01:44
But I can sing the whole song.	1:01:44	1:01:46
That was wonderful. Great.	1:01:46	1:01:47
That was enough. That was fine.	1:01:47	1:01:49
All right. Bring in the next thing.	1:01:49	1:01:51
Aw, Christ, there's gotta be somebody in America	1:01:51	1:01:54
with some talent.	1:01:54	1:01:55
Hi!	1:01:55	1:01:57
FEMALE EXECUTIVE: Now, I saw her in a little club.	1:01:57	1:02:01
You're gonna love her.	1:02:01	1:02:02
PLAYING GUITAR	1:02:02	1:02:04
SINGS ATONALLY: # If I had a hammer	1:02:06	1:02:09
# I'd hammer in the morning	1:02:09	1:02:12
# I'd hammer in the evening	1:02:12	1:02:15
# All over this land	1:02:15	1:02:18
# I'd hammer out danger	1:02:18	1:02:22
# I'd hammer out a warning	1:02:22	1:02:25
# I'd hammer out love between	1:02:25	1:02:28
# My brothers and my sisters	1:02:28	1:02:31
# All over this	1:02:31	1:02:33
# Land... #	1:02:33	1:02:34
BELL TOLLS	1:02:37	1:02:39
# All over this	1:02:39	1:02:41
# Land. # GONG CLANGS	1:02:41	1:02:45
# If I were a... #	1:02:45	1:02:46
Oh, no, thank you, thank you!	1:02:46	1:02:47
That's great. Fantastic!	1:02:47	1:02:49
That was great. We'll be in touch.	1:02:52	1:02:54
Thank you. Thank you.	1:02:54	1:02:55
We've been going about this all wrong.	1:02:55	1:02:57
Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts,	1:02:57	1:02:59
we just put bad ones and kill them!	1:02:59	1:03:01
Chuck, honestly, this - and I know you like them -	1:03:01	1:03:03
this is torture.	1:03:03	1:03:05
No, no, no, no. We kill 'em before they're through.	1:03:05	1:03:07
As soon as it gets unbearable,	1:03:07	1:03:08
we kill 'em - dead!	1:03:08	1:03:10
GONG SHOW THEME PLAYS	1:03:11	1:03:13
Ladies and gentlemen, this act...	1:03:13	1:03:16
Ah! Oh, this is so good! I love this, man.	1:03:16	1:03:19
This next act answers the age-old question -	1:03:19	1:03:22
if you wear a cellophane... If you -	1:03:22	1:03:26
Whish! OK.	1:03:26	1:03:27
AUDIENCE LAUGHS	1:03:27	1:03:28
If you wear... Ha-ha!	1:03:28	1:03:30
..a cellophane suit,	1:03:30	1:03:32
can people clearly see you're nuts?	1:03:32	1:03:35
I don't know.	1:03:35	1:03:37
A little humour, folks.	1:03:37	1:03:38
All the way from Pacoima,	1:03:38	1:03:41
Mick Donnelly!	1:03:41	1:03:43
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE	1:03:43	1:03:44
MUSIC PLAYS	1:03:44	1:03:47
OFF-KEY: # Raindrops keep falling on my head	1:03:47	1:03:50
# Just like the guy	1:03:50	1:03:52
# Whose feet are too big for his bed	1:03:52	1:03:55
# Nothin' seems to fit Those	1:03:55	1:03:58
# Raindrops are fallin' on my head	1:03:58	1:03:59
# They keep fallin'	1:03:59	1:04:02
# So I just did me some talkin' to the sun	1:04:02	1:04:06
# And I said I didn't like	1:04:06	1:04:08
# The way he got things done	1:04:08	1:04:10
# Sleepin' on the job Those... #	1:04:10	1:04:13
BARRIS: Who could have known there were so many Americans	1:04:13	1:04:16
just waiting for the opportunity to get on TV	1:04:16	1:04:19
and make an ass out of themselves?	1:04:19	1:04:22
# Raindrops keep fallin' on my head	1:04:22	1:04:24
# But that doesn't mean my eyes	1:04:24	1:04:25
# Will soon be turnin' red... #	1:04:25	1:04:27
BOOING	1:04:27	1:04:29
# Cryin's not for me	1:04:29	1:04:31
# Cos I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'	1:04:31	1:04:35
# Because I'm... #	1:04:35	1:04:36
GONG	1:04:36	1:04:37
We'll be back...	1:04:39	1:04:41
with more...stuff	1:04:41	1:04:43
right after this message.	1:04:43	1:04:45
You know what the sad part about it is -	1:04:49	1:04:51
Barris has a reputation for lowering the bar of television	1:04:51	1:04:54
and the standards and all, but...	1:04:54	1:04:56
he had a great feel for what people wanted,	1:04:56	1:04:58
and he couldn't take the criticism.	1:04:58	1:05:00
BARRIS: Things started to evolve pretty quickly.	1:05:00	1:05:04
The show was gaining momentum,	1:05:04	1:05:06
and I was becoming the one thing I didn't expect -	1:05:06	1:05:10
famous.	1:05:10	1:05:11
Hey, you're Chuck Barris, right?	1:05:11	1:05:13
Yeah.	1:05:13	1:05:14
The Gong Show. I love that show.	1:05:14	1:05:16
Thanks.	1:05:16	1:05:17
WOMAN: Hi.	1:06:15	1:06:16
Hi.	1:06:16	1:06:18
I thought that was you.	1:06:18	1:06:20
Yeah...	1:06:20	1:06:22
It's me.	1:06:22	1:06:23
WOMAN LAUGHS	1:06:23	1:06:25
Well, I'm glad to meet you.	1:06:25	1:06:27
I've seen The Gong Show.	1:06:27	1:06:29
Oh. Yeah, well...	1:06:29	1:06:31
I think you're the most	1:06:32	1:06:33
insidious, despicable force in entertainment today.	1:06:33	1:06:36
How dare you subject the rest of the world	1:06:38	1:06:40
to your loathsome views of humanity?	1:06:40	1:06:43
Yeah... I don't think it's that loathsome.	1:06:43	1:06:45
What is it, then?	1:06:45	1:06:47
To mock some poor lonely people	1:06:47	1:06:48
who are just craving a little attention in their lives...	1:06:48	1:06:51
to destroy them?	1:06:51	1:06:53
I mean, they're still people.	1:06:53	1:06:55
They still deserve a little respect and compassion.	1:06:55	1:06:58
Who the hell are you	1:06:59	1:07:01
and what the fuck have you ever done	1:07:01	1:07:03
to elevate yourself among the pathetic masses?	1:07:03	1:07:05
Oh, that's right. You created The Dating Game.	1:07:07	1:07:10
Wow.	1:07:10	1:07:11
That's right up there with the Sistine Chapel.	1:07:13	1:07:15
DRINK SPILLS	1:07:15	1:07:16
Ladies and gentlemen...	1:07:19	1:07:21
it wouldn't surprise me to see this next act -	1:07:21	1:07:24
UPBEAT MUSIC BEGINS	1:07:24	1:07:25
MAN: Whoo!	1:07:25	1:07:27
That means...	1:07:27	1:07:28
It's Gene...	1:07:28	1:07:29
Gene, the dancing machine,	1:07:29	1:07:33
and just in time!	1:07:33	1:07:36
GENE'S DANCING MUSIC PLAYS	1:07:36	1:07:38
FEMALE CRITIC: He represents more	1:07:58	1:07:59
than just the decline of quality television.	1:07:59	1:08:02
In my opinion	1:08:02	1:08:03
Chuck Barris will do more harm to our society	1:08:03	1:08:05
than people seem to realise.	1:08:05	1:08:07
LORETTA: Line one's for you, Chuck.	1:08:07	1:08:08
Who is it?	1:08:08	1:08:10
Some guy. He says he's a friend of yours	1:08:10	1:08:11
from Berlin.	1:08:11	1:08:13
Hello.	1:08:27	1:08:28
Very gutsy, my neighbour.	1:08:28	1:08:30
I guess you heard about Oliver.	1:08:30	1:08:33
Someone changed sides.	1:08:33	1:08:35
CAR DOOR OPENS, STREET NOISES	1:08:35	1:08:36
What was so urgent?	1:08:36	1:08:38
CAR DOOR CLOSES	1:08:38	1:08:39
STREET NOISES	1:08:40	1:08:42
KEELER: I was wondering, you wanna grab a bite?	1:08:42	1:08:44
I'm in town for a day.	1:08:44	1:08:46
BARRIS: Now, assassins don't fraternise.	1:08:46	1:08:48
That Keeler was calling me	1:08:48	1:08:50
could mean it was my turn to get hit.	1:08:50	1:08:52
I would take him somewhere where I knew I would be safe.	1:08:52	1:08:56
How's show biz?	1:08:58	1:08:59
Well, it's hit and miss.	1:08:59	1:09:01
I got a new show called Operation Entertainment,	1:09:01	1:09:04
which I believe is really, really gonna kill.	1:09:04	1:09:06
It's sort of a Bob Hope visiting-the-troops thing,	1:09:06	1:09:09
but it's weekly.	1:09:09	1:09:11
Instead of Bob Hope, it's like Flip Wilson...	1:09:11	1:09:13
Chuck. Tch.	1:09:13	1:09:15
Why do you do what you do?	1:09:15	1:09:17
Hmm?	1:09:17	1:09:19
Well, I like to think	1:09:19	1:09:20
that I bring joy and laughter	1:09:20	1:09:23
to millions of people.	1:09:23	1:09:25
It's a very important thing, I think,	1:09:25	1:09:27
in these difficult times.	1:09:27	1:09:28
I'm not saying the show is as good as it can be yet,	1:09:28	1:09:31
but, uh...	1:09:31	1:09:32
No, no.	1:09:32	1:09:34
Why do we do what we do?	1:09:34	1:09:37
Hmm?	1:09:38	1:09:39
LAUGHS Come on.	1:09:39	1:09:41
I got my feet wet in World War II.	1:09:42	1:09:45
Germany.	1:09:45	1:09:48
The pleasure of killing... was exhilarating.	1:09:48	1:09:52
Later in life, I...	1:09:52	1:09:54
couldn't find a place to fill that void...	1:09:54	1:09:59
to get that same rush of energy.	1:09:59	1:10:02
So I started up my own business.	1:10:02	1:10:04
MAN: Gentlemen, are you ready to order?	1:10:04	1:10:08
I'll have a green salad, no dressing.	1:10:08	1:10:10
And for you, sir?	1:10:10	1:10:11
Can I get a steak? Uh...rare.	1:10:11	1:10:13
Thank you.	1:10:13	1:10:15
Let me read you something.	1:10:17	1:10:19
"Whatsoever your hand finds to do,	1:10:20	1:10:24
"do it gladly...	1:10:24	1:10:26
"because there is no work, love, knowledge,	1:10:26	1:10:29
"or wisdom in the grave."	1:10:29	1:10:31
Who is that, Carlyle?	1:10:31	1:10:34
No, it's...	1:10:34	1:10:35
the Old Testament.	1:10:35	1:10:38
It's God.	1:10:39	1:10:41
It's amazing you should quote him.	1:10:41	1:10:43
He's my hero.	1:10:43	1:10:44
BOTH LAUGH	1:10:44	1:10:47
Killing my first...	1:10:49	1:10:51
man...	1:10:51	1:10:54
was like making love to my first woman.	1:10:54	1:10:57
I remember...	1:10:59	1:11:00
every little detail...	1:11:00	1:11:03
The smell of his hair,	1:11:03	1:11:05
ice on the window,	1:11:05	1:11:08
wallpaper.	1:11:08	1:11:10
It's... like entering a different time zone.	1:11:11	1:11:15
You're... becoming an outsider,	1:11:15	1:11:18
isolating yourself.	1:11:18	1:11:20
You're con...condemned.	1:11:20	1:11:23
BARRIS: Condemned?	1:11:24	1:11:25
KEELER: You have become... their sadness, and...	1:11:25	1:11:32
live in a different state of mind.	1:11:32	1:11:34
Ladies and gentlemen,	1:11:39	1:11:41
the host of The Gong Show...	1:11:41	1:11:43
CHUCKLES	1:11:43	1:11:45
Chuck Barris.	1:11:45	1:11:46
Hey, it's good to see you, Sieg.	1:11:46	1:11:48
Yeah. It'll be all right.	1:11:48	1:11:51
It'll be all right.	1:11:53	1:11:54
WOMAN: # Happy birthday... #	1:11:54	1:11:56
I think.	1:11:56	1:11:57
# To you	1:11:57	1:11:59
# Happy birthday	1:11:59	1:12:01
# Dear Chuckie	1:12:01	1:12:04
# Happy birthday	1:12:04	1:12:06
# To you. #	1:12:06	1:12:08
Is that right?	1:12:14	1:12:16
Yeah.	1:12:16	1:12:18
That's real good.	1:12:18	1:12:20
That's real good.	1:12:20	1:12:21
PENNY: so what's wrong, Chuck?	1:12:21	1:12:24
Are you OK?	1:12:24	1:12:25
Yeah, yeah, I'm OK.	1:12:25	1:12:27
It's a... guy I know...	1:12:27	1:12:30
killed himself last night.	1:12:30	1:12:31
A guy I know killed himself.	1:12:41	1:12:43
Who was he?	1:12:50	1:12:51
You don't know him. He's a, uh...	1:12:51	1:12:53
stagehand.	1:12:53	1:12:55
Why did he do it?	1:12:57	1:12:59
He didn't like his work any more.	1:13:01	1:13:04
Thanks. Thanks.	1:13:04	1:13:06
Is being a stagehand really, really bad?	1:13:06	1:13:09
Yeah, it's pretty bad.	1:13:09	1:13:11
Hello?	1:13:25	1:13:26
You were supposed to meet me at The Palm two hours ago.	1:13:26	1:13:30
Oh, fuck, I forgot.	1:13:30	1:13:31
You forgot. Really? Yeah!	1:13:31	1:13:32
Keeler's dead. Did you know?	1:13:32	1:13:33
Yeah, I heard. I heard.	1:13:33	1:13:34
You heard. What did you hear?	1:13:34	1:13:36
I heard he took himself out.	1:13:36	1:13:37
Is that right? Did Byrd tell you that?	1:13:37	1:13:39
Yeah, he said he was depressed.	1:13:39	1:13:40
I was gonna tell you, but... Hey!	1:13:40	1:13:42
Hey. Who is this?	1:13:42	1:13:43
I don't get stood up. Do you understand?	1:13:43	1:13:45
Fun! Excuse me.	1:13:45	1:13:46
BOTH LAUGH	1:13:46	1:13:47
So glad, um...	1:13:47	1:13:49
Penny. Patricia.	1:13:49	1:13:50
LAUGHING How'd you find me?	1:13:50	1:13:52
Are you serious?	1:13:52	1:13:53
This is what I do for a living.	1:13:53	1:13:55
What does she mean that's what she does for a living?	1:13:55	1:13:56
You're dead in my book, strawberry dick, got it?	1:13:56	1:13:58
Strawberry dick!	1:13:58	1:13:59
What's that? Whoa!	1:13:59	1:14:00
I'll see you around. Nice to meet you, Penny.	1:14:00	1:14:02
I've heard a lot about you.	1:14:02	1:14:04
Why don't you stay for a...	1:14:04	1:14:06
cocktail?	1:14:06	1:14:07
Penny.	1:14:07	1:14:08
And... And, uh...	1:14:08	1:14:10
You know, man...	1:14:10	1:14:12
LAUGHING I'm giving you one more chance.	1:14:12	1:14:14
Get it?	1:14:14	1:14:15
SIGHS	1:14:15	1:14:17
Fuck.	1:14:17	1:14:18
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS	1:14:18	1:14:19
MAN: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.	1:14:19	1:14:21
PLAYS INTRO TO "FOOLS RUSH IN"	1:14:21	1:14:23
OFF-KEY: # Wise men say	1:14:26	1:14:33
# Only fools	1:14:33	1:14:36
# Rush in	1:14:36	1:14:42
# But I can't help	1:14:42	1:14:48
# Falling in love	1:14:48	1:14:51
# With you	1:14:51	1:14:58
# Take my	1:14:58	1:15:01
# Hand	1:15:01	1:15:05
# Take my whole life	1:15:05	1:15:09
# Too	1:15:09	1:15:13
# For I can't help	1:15:13	1:15:19
# Falling in love	1:15:19	1:15:23
# With you	1:15:23	1:15:28
# For I can't help	1:15:28	1:15:34
# Falling in love	1:15:34	1:15:39
# With	1:15:39	1:15:42
# You. #	1:15:42	1:15:48
WEAK APPLAUSE	1:15:48	1:15:49
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.	1:15:49	1:15:50
LORETTA, OVER INTERCOM: Uh, line one for you, Chuck.	1:15:53	1:15:56
Thanks.	1:15:57	1:15:58
Yeah?	1:15:59	1:16:00
JIM: 'Keeler didn't kill himself.	1:16:00	1:16:02
'He was murdered.	1:16:02	1:16:03
'Watch your back.' HANGS UP	1:16:03	1:16:05
You can come in now, Mr Flexner.	1:16:06	1:16:09
Chuck!	1:16:09	1:16:10
HANGS UP PHONE	1:16:10	1:16:11
Great to see ya.	1:16:11	1:16:13
What's up, Rod?	1:16:13	1:16:15
CHUCKLES	1:16:15	1:16:17
Well...	1:16:17	1:16:18
Chuck, may I sit?	1:16:18	1:16:20
Hey, how's that redhead?	1:16:20	1:16:22
She's...good, you know.	1:16:22	1:16:23
Keeps...	1:16:23	1:16:25
Well, Chuck, uh...	1:16:25	1:16:26
the thing is, we have to talk.	1:16:26	1:16:28
What's up, Rod?	1:16:28	1:16:30
Well, the thing is...	1:16:30	1:16:32
some of your old shows aren't doing so well	1:16:32	1:16:35
in the old ratings war. LAUGHS	1:16:35	1:16:37
So...	1:16:39	1:16:40
I've been put in the unfortunate position	1:16:40	1:16:43
of having to inform you	1:16:43	1:16:45
that the network is cancelling these shows.	1:16:45	1:16:48
Now, don't shoot me, Chuck.	1:16:51	1:16:52
I'm just the messenger.	1:16:54	1:16:56
Psshh.	1:17:02	1:17:03
Aargh!	1:17:06	1:17:07
CHUCKLES	1:17:07	1:17:09
SIGHS	1:17:09	1:17:10
This really is	1:17:10	1:17:12
the hardest part of the job for me.	1:17:12	1:17:14
CHUCK: They killed my babies, you know,	1:17:16	1:17:17
just like that.	1:17:17	1:17:19
I pushed them into the world	1:17:19	1:17:21
through the birth canal of my imagination...	1:17:21	1:17:24
Lovingly...	1:17:24	1:17:25
Tenderly.	1:17:25	1:17:26
Where's the humanity of these people?	1:17:26	1:17:29
Huh?	1:17:29	1:17:30
Fuck 'em.	1:17:30	1:17:31
Fuck 'em.	1:17:31	1:17:32
They're fucking bastards anyway.	1:17:32	1:17:35
Yeah. What am I gonna do now?	1:17:35	1:17:37
Oh, baby.	1:17:39	1:17:41
Oh, yeah.	1:17:41	1:17:43
Feels so good.	1:17:43	1:17:45
WOMAN MOANS SOFTLY	1:17:59	1:18:02
Chuck?	1:18:05	1:18:07
PENNY: Chuck?	1:18:11	1:18:12
Fuck! Fuck!	1:18:12	1:18:13
Penny, fuck!	1:18:13	1:18:16
I came here to tell you I sold a painting.	1:18:31	1:18:34
That's great.	1:18:34	1:18:36
What's she doing here?	1:18:38	1:18:40
She's, uh...	1:18:40	1:18:42
PENNY: This is our house.	1:18:44	1:18:46
It's one thing to go elsewhere	1:18:47	1:18:49
for your pussy needs.	1:18:49	1:18:51
But...this is our house.	1:18:51	1:18:54
It's my house, Pen.	1:18:54	1:18:55
It's our house.	1:18:55	1:18:57
I found it with you. I decorated it with you.	1:18:59	1:19:02
I spent six fucking months	1:19:02	1:19:04
waiting for the fucking plumber to fucking come.	1:19:04	1:19:07
CHUCK, WHISPERING: I'm sorry.	1:19:13	1:19:14
You're such an asshole.	1:19:17	1:19:19
STARTS ENGINE	1:19:35	1:19:36
..No, I'm not saying that.	1:20:02	1:20:03
That's not what I'm saying.	1:20:03	1:20:05
TEARFULLY: Then what are you saying, Chuck?	1:20:05	1:20:07
SNIFFS	1:20:07	1:20:08
CRYING: Do you want me around or not?	1:20:09	1:20:12
Do you even like me?	1:20:12	1:20:14
Of course I like you.	1:20:14	1:20:16
Penny...	1:20:16	1:20:18
SNIFFING How much?	1:20:18	1:20:19
What?	1:20:19	1:20:20
I need to know how much you like me.	1:20:20	1:20:24
I-I don't know what that means.	1:20:24	1:20:26
How much?	1:20:26	1:20:28
How can I rate a person in that way?	1:20:28	1:20:30
You could if you felt it.	1:20:30	1:20:33
If you felt it, it would be easy.	1:20:33	1:20:35
You would just...	1:20:35	1:20:36
..spread your arms	1:20:38	1:20:40
as wide as they would go	1:20:40	1:20:42
and say, "This much, Penny."	1:20:42	1:20:44
WHISPERING: Everything...	1:20:53	1:20:55
Everything's complicated, Pen.	1:20:55	1:20:57
You know, nothing's black and white like that.	1:20:57	1:21:00
Do you want me around or not,	1:21:06	1:21:08
because if you don't, it's OK.	1:21:08	1:21:10
Just tell me.	1:21:10	1:21:11
Hey, hey...	1:21:11	1:21:13
I love you, Penny...	1:21:16	1:21:18
in my way.	1:21:18	1:21:20
You know, maybe not in that crazy	1:21:25	1:21:28
head-over-heels thing,	1:21:28	1:21:30
but what is that anyway?	1:21:30	1:21:32
Romantic love...	1:21:32	1:21:35
Isn't that just an illusion?	1:21:35	1:21:37
You just said you loved me, right?	1:21:41	1:21:44
SNIFFS	1:21:46	1:21:47
MUSIC FADES IN	1:21:58	1:22:01
# Just like yesterday	1:22:01	1:22:04
# And I'll get on my knees and pray	1:22:04	1:22:08
# We don't... #	1:22:11	1:22:12
TURNS OFF MUSIC	1:22:12	1:22:13
Hi, Chuck.	1:22:26	1:22:27
Hey, Jim, what do you want?	1:22:27	1:22:29
How's work?	1:22:29	1:22:30
Great.	1:22:30	1:22:31
Any new game show ideas?	1:22:31	1:22:33
Dozens. Why are you here, Jim?	1:22:33	1:22:35
We need you to find the mole	1:22:35	1:22:37
and take him out.	1:22:37	1:22:39
Yeah.	1:22:43	1:22:44
LAUGHS	1:22:44	1:22:46
Yeah...	1:22:46	1:22:48
I'm done killing people.	1:22:48	1:22:50
I just want to entertain people.	1:22:50	1:22:52
I'm out.	1:22:52	1:22:54
No, you're not.	1:22:55	1:22:57
Hey, I got an idea.	1:23:01	1:23:03
If you want him so bad...	1:23:03	1:23:06
why don't you do it?	1:23:06	1:23:07
Why don't you kill the mole?	1:23:07	1:23:09
Any problem with killing, Jim?	1:23:09	1:23:12
I just don't fit the profile.	1:23:13	1:23:16
What fucking profile? There is no fucking profile.	1:23:16	1:23:18
OK. There's no profile.	1:23:18	1:23:20
Yeah, there's no profile.	1:23:20	1:23:21
OK.	1:23:21	1:23:22
You had a twin sister, stillborn,	1:23:25	1:23:27
strangled by your umbilical cord.	1:23:27	1:23:30
Your first hit.	1:23:30	1:23:32
Your mother always wanted a daughter.	1:23:32	1:23:34
She blamed you for your sister's death,	1:23:34	1:23:36
so until your sister Phoebe was born,	1:23:36	1:23:38
she raised you as a girl.	1:23:38	1:23:40
What else?	1:23:40	1:23:41
Your father, the dentist.	1:23:41	1:23:44
Not really your father.	1:23:44	1:23:46
Your real father was a man	1:23:47	1:23:49
named Edmond jams Windsor.	1:23:49	1:23:51
Among other things, he was a serial killer,	1:23:51	1:23:53
a fact your mother didn't know	1:23:53	1:23:55
when she had an affair with him in 1928.	1:23:55	1:23:57
That's ridiculous.	1:23:57	1:23:58
Is it?	1:23:58	1:24:00
That's insane.	1:24:00	1:24:01
Windsor died in the electric chair	1:24:01	1:24:03
in 1939.	1:24:03	1:24:04
I'm trying to think of what more I can tell you,	1:24:06	1:24:08
but you have me at a bit of a disadvantage, Chuck.	1:24:08	1:24:10
I don't have your files in front of me.	1:24:10	1:24:13
Come on, Jim.	1:24:21	1:24:22
I'm out.	1:24:28	1:24:30
As long as the mole's alive, you're a dead man.	1:24:37	1:24:40
How do I know it's not you?	1:24:40	1:24:43
You're a fairly bright guy, Chuck.	1:24:43	1:24:46
You'll figure it out.	1:24:47	1:24:49
INAUDIBLE	1:26:08	1:26:12
INAUDIBLE	1:26:24	1:26:26
Hey, Chuck. I...	1:26:50	1:26:51
Take it off. Huh?	1:26:51	1:26:52
Who are you? What's your name?	1:26:52	1:26:54
What's your name?	1:26:54	1:26:55
GONG	1:26:55	1:26:56
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS	1:26:58	1:27:00
INCIDENTAL GAME SHOW MUSIC	1:27:00	1:27:03
Yeah...	1:27:05	1:27:07
That's the way it goes on...	1:27:07	1:27:09
TV.	1:27:09	1:27:10
Get off the stage. Get off the stage.	1:27:10	1:27:12
Go back to Scotland!	1:27:12	1:27:14
Get yourself a Guinness and some lucky charms.	1:27:14	1:27:17
All right.	1:27:17	1:27:18
Ladies and gentlemen,	1:27:18	1:27:20
The prince of puns...	1:27:20	1:27:23
The wizard of whoopee!	1:27:23	1:27:25
APPLAUSE	1:27:25	1:27:26
The unknown comic!	1:27:26	1:27:29
Hey, Chuckie, baby! Hey, Chuckie, baby!	1:27:29	1:27:30
Hey, Chuckie, baby, I got a joke for you, Chuckie, baby.	1:27:30	1:27:33
A joke. A joke. What? What?	1:27:33	1:27:34
What's the difference between toilet paper	1:27:34	1:27:35
and a shower curtain?	1:27:35	1:27:36
I don't know. What?	1:27:36	1:27:37
Here's the guy!	1:27:37	1:27:38
Get off the stage. Get off the stage.	1:27:38	1:27:40
No, it's my turn, Chuckie.	1:27:40	1:27:41
Get off the stage.	1:27:41	1:27:43
You're fucking crazy, man.	1:27:43	1:27:44
Get the fuck out of here.	1:27:44	1:27:46
Ladies and gentlemen...	1:27:46	1:27:49
uh...our next act...	1:27:49	1:27:51
Ha ha!	1:27:51	1:27:53
..first came...	1:27:53	1:27:54
..to us...all the way...	1:27:57	1:28:00
Um... Ha ha...	1:28:02	1:28:04
Lord. Crazy on coast-to-coast.	1:28:04	1:28:08
Come on.	1:28:10	1:28:11
You like the way Mommy looks?	1:28:15	1:28:17
Yes.	1:28:17	1:28:19
I bet you'd like to be a mommy some day,	1:28:19	1:28:21
Wouldn't you?	1:28:21	1:28:22
Come here, you.	1:28:22	1:28:24
RENDA CRYING OUT	1:28:24	1:28:26
BARRIS: Sorry about your teeth.	1:28:31	1:28:33
MOTHER: # ..Birthday to you	1:28:43	1:28:46
# Happy birthday to you	1:28:46	1:28:50
# Happy birthday dear Chuckie	1:28:50	1:28:54
# Happy birthday to... #	1:28:54	1:28:57
Come on.	1:29:08	1:29:10
Take me away now.	1:29:10	1:29:11
Take me away.	1:29:11	1:29:14
What are you waitin' for?	1:29:14	1:29:17
Come on. Come on.	1:29:17	1:29:19
Come on.	1:29:19	1:29:21
I see you.	1:29:23	1:29:25
I know who you are.	1:29:25	1:29:26
What are you looking at?	1:29:26	1:29:28
MUSIC STARTS	1:29:28	1:29:31
# If I had a hammer	1:29:31	1:29:33
# I'd a-hammer in the mornin'	1:29:33	1:29:36
# I'd a-hammer in the evenin'	1:29:36	1:29:38
# All over this land	1:29:38	1:29:41
# I'd a-hammer out danger	1:29:41	1:29:44
# I'd a-hammer out a warnin'	1:29:44	1:29:46
# I'd a-hammer out love	1:29:46	1:29:48
# Between my brothers and my sisters	1:29:48	1:29:50
# All over	1:29:50	1:29:52
# This land	1:29:52	1:29:55
# Ooh ooh ooh	1:29:55	1:29:57
# If I had a bell	1:29:57	1:29:59
# I'd a-ring it in the mornin'	1:29:59	1:30:02
# I'd a-ring it in the evenin'	1:30:02	1:30:04
# All over this land	1:30:04	1:30:07
# I'd ring out danger	1:30:07	1:30:10
# I'd ring out a warning	1:30:10	1:30:12
# I'd ring out	1:30:12	1:30:13
# Love between my brothers and my sisters	1:30:13	1:30:16
# All over	1:30:16	1:30:18
# This land	1:30:18	1:30:21
# Ooh	1:30:21	1:30:22
# If I had a song	1:30:22	1:30:25
# I'd sing it in the morning	1:30:25	1:30:28
# I'd sing it in the evenin'	1:30:28	1:30:30
# All over this land	1:30:30	1:30:32
# I'd sing out danger	1:30:32	1:30:35
# I'd sing out a warning	1:30:35	1:30:37
# I'd sing out love	1:30:37	1:30:39
# Between my brothers and my sisters	1:30:39	1:30:42
# All over	1:30:42	1:30:44
# This land. #	1:30:44	1:30:46
BARRIS: Dear Penny...	1:30:48	1:30:50
this is just a note to say	1:30:50	1:30:52
that I'm sorry...	1:30:52	1:30:54
for all of it.	1:30:54	1:30:57
You were the best part of my life,	1:30:57	1:30:59
and I couldn't see it.	1:30:59	1:31:02
I'm not asking for another chance...	1:31:02	1:31:04
Just for your forgiveness.	1:31:06	1:31:08
Love, Chuck.	1:31:10	1:31:11
KNOCK ON DOOR	1:31:21	1:31:22
Well...	1:31:30	1:31:32
look who comes out of hiding.	1:31:32	1:31:34
CHUCK: I started thinking, Trish,	1:31:35	1:31:37
you're the only woman in the world who really...	1:31:37	1:31:39
who really knows me.	1:31:39	1:31:40
I know I screwed you over in the past,	1:31:40	1:31:43
and I'm...I'm sorry. I...	1:31:43	1:31:46
PIANO CONCERTO PLAYS	1:31:46	1:31:48
I just want you to know that...	1:31:49	1:31:51
..I hate myself for how...	1:31:55	1:31:58
Goddamn, I hate myself	1:31:58	1:31:59
for how I lived, Trish.	1:31:59	1:32:02
PATRICIA: Nietzsche says whoever despises oneself	1:32:03	1:32:06
still respects oneself as one who despises.	1:32:06	1:32:09
Shit, I never thought of that.	1:32:10	1:32:12
I can't even despise myself with any insight.	1:32:12	1:32:15
The insane asylums are filled with people	1:32:15	1:32:18
who think they're Jesus or Satan.	1:32:18	1:32:20
Very few have delusions of being	1:32:20	1:32:23
a guy down the block	1:32:23	1:32:25
who works for an insurance company.	1:32:25	1:32:27
All right.	1:32:29	1:32:31
What is this stuff?	1:32:32	1:32:35
You know, I wanted to be a writer once.	1:32:35	1:32:37
I wanted to... write something	1:32:37	1:32:39
that someday some lesser person would quote,	1:32:39	1:32:41
but I never did.	1:32:41	1:32:42
I'm the lesser person, Trish.	1:32:42	1:32:45
I never say anything meaningful	1:32:45	1:32:47
that wasn't said by somebody else first.	1:32:47	1:32:50
I am disposable.	1:32:50	1:32:52
I disposed of people, and I'm disposable.	1:32:52	1:32:56
You know, I've been thinking about you	1:32:59	1:33:02
a lot lately, Chuck.	1:33:02	1:33:03
Oh, yeah? Mmm.	1:33:03	1:33:05
CHUCKLES	1:33:05	1:33:06
I've missed you.	1:33:06	1:33:08
Well, you could have fooled me.	1:33:08	1:33:10
Well, I've mellowed.	1:33:10	1:33:12
CHUCKLES	1:33:12	1:33:13
Look, Boston is a beautiful city.	1:33:13	1:33:16
We could start over here,	1:33:16	1:33:18
normal life together.	1:33:18	1:33:20
Sell insurance.	1:33:20	1:33:22
LAUGHS	1:33:22	1:33:24
Yeah! That sounds good.	1:33:24	1:33:25
That sounds right.	1:33:25	1:33:28
Look at that.	1:33:30	1:33:32
I could learn to love that skyline.	1:33:32	1:33:35
Did you see I got your picture framed?	1:33:36	1:33:39
Oh, yeah? Where?	1:33:39	1:33:40
Look.	1:33:40	1:33:42
Oh, hot dog!	1:33:42	1:33:43
To life.	1:33:46	1:33:47
To life.	1:33:49	1:33:50
You devil.	1:34:01	1:34:03
Isn't that sweet?	1:34:03	1:34:05
Oh...	1:34:05	1:34:06
Hey, what about splitting our time in...	1:34:08	1:34:10
in New York?	1:34:10	1:34:12
Fuck. I just bit...	1:34:14	1:34:16
It's just a... GAGS	1:34:16	1:34:18
GAGGING	1:34:18	1:34:21
GASPING, GRUNTING	1:34:32	1:34:34
No, that's too quick.	1:34:34	1:34:35
You're supposed to get to the bathroom	1:34:35	1:34:37
and throw up first.	1:34:37	1:34:39
God, Chuck, you should have seen Oliver's face.	1:34:39	1:34:42
It was just... Well...	1:34:42	1:34:44
if I do say so myself.	1:34:44	1:34:45
I got a nice snapshot of it, actually.	1:34:45	1:34:48
Mmm...	1:34:48	1:34:49
You know, Keeler was easy.	1:34:49	1:34:51
Travelled halfway around the world	1:34:51	1:34:52
for a night with me.	1:34:52	1:34:54
Hmm...	1:34:54	1:34:56
PANTING	1:34:56	1:34:58
OK...	1:34:58	1:34:59
Let's see...	1:34:59	1:35:01
GRUNTS	1:35:01	1:35:03
Chuck...you've put on weight.	1:35:03	1:35:05
Come on.	1:35:07	1:35:09
I nearly blew it with Byrd.	1:35:09	1:35:11
Never farm out a job that you should do yourself.	1:35:11	1:35:14
Do you want a laugh?	1:35:14	1:35:16
He thought you were the mole.	1:35:16	1:35:18
He was going to kill you.	1:35:18	1:35:20
What an idiot.	1:35:20	1:35:21
"I'm not at all the person	1:35:23	1:35:24
"you and I took me for."	1:35:24	1:35:26
Hmm. Sounds like an epitaph.	1:35:26	1:35:28
Your handwriting, too.	1:35:28	1:35:30
You see, Chuck, I save everything...	1:35:30	1:35:33
All of your lovely notes. Mmm.	1:35:33	1:35:35
LABOURED BREATHING	1:35:35	1:35:37
You know what?	1:35:37	1:35:39
I like Carlyle best, too.	1:35:40	1:35:43
I really do. Yeah.	1:35:43	1:35:45
Say hi to the boys when you see 'em.	1:35:45	1:35:47
Ooh...	1:35:53	1:35:54
Oh...	1:35:55	1:35:56
To life.	1:36:50	1:36:51
CLINK	1:36:51	1:36:52
PIANO CONCERTO CONTINUES	1:36:57	1:37:01
BARRIS: My name is Charles Hirsch Barris.	1:37:48	1:37:51
I have written pop songs.	1:37:51	1:37:53
I have been a television producer.	1:37:53	1:37:57
I am responsible for polluting the air waves	1:37:57	1:38:00
with mind-numbing, puerile entertainment.	1:38:00	1:38:04
In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings.	1:38:04	1:38:09
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: we have come here today	1:38:29	1:38:32
to join Penny Pacino and Chuck Barris	1:38:32	1:38:35
In holy matrimony.	1:38:35	1:38:37
You all know Chuck Barris,	1:38:37	1:38:40
creator of The Dating Game, The Newlywed Game,	1:38:40	1:38:43
The Family Game,	1:38:43	1:38:45
The Game Game,	1:38:45	1:38:47
Dream Girl Of 1968,	1:38:47	1:38:50
Operation Entertainment,	1:38:50	1:38:52
How's Your Mother-In-Law,	1:38:52	1:38:54
and many others.	1:38:54	1:38:56
Chuck Barris, who most recently brought us such hits	1:38:56	1:38:59
as The Rah-Rah Show,	1:38:59	1:39:01
The 1.98 Beauty Show,	1:39:01	1:39:04
The Gong Show.	1:39:04	1:39:07
Oh! Chuck Barris...	1:39:07	1:39:09
who I'm sure will be back soon	1:39:09	1:39:12
with even more shows that will stimulate and educate	1:39:12	1:39:17
and keep us on the edge of our seats.	1:39:17	1:39:20
BELL TOLLS	1:39:20	1:39:23
CHEERING	1:39:27	1:39:29
MAN: Whoo!	1:39:51	1:39:52
Congratulations!	1:39:52	1:39:54
Hey...	1:39:54	1:39:55
Oh, thanks, thanks.	1:39:55	1:39:57
Thanks.	1:39:57	1:39:59
BELL TOLLS	1:39:59	1:40:04
INAUDIBLE	1:40:06	1:40:09
Danny, drive now!	1:40:21	1:40:23
TYRES SCREECH	1:40:23	1:40:24
Bye!	1:40:26	1:40:27
Penny, there's something I gotta...	1:40:27	1:40:29
I gotta confess,	1:40:29	1:40:30
something I gotta tell ya.	1:40:30	1:40:31
Listen up, Penny.	1:40:31	1:40:33
You've known me for a long time...	1:40:33	1:40:35
AS JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: As the host of	1:40:35	1:40:37
The Dating Game, The Gong Show,	1:40:37	1:40:38
Rah-Rah Show...	1:40:38	1:40:40
Yeah, yeah, listen, listen, listen...	1:40:40	1:40:41
I work...	1:40:41	1:40:43
I work for the CIA. You understand?	1:40:43	1:40:46
And I kill people.	1:40:46	1:40:47
I killed a lo...	1:40:47	1:40:50
I killed a lot of people.	1:40:50	1:40:51
You understand?	1:40:51	1:40:53
I killed a lot of people.	1:40:53	1:40:56
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!	1:40:59	1:41:01
BOTH LAUGH	1:41:13	1:41:15
BARRIS: 'I came up with a new game show idea recently.	1:41:23	1:41:27
'It's called The Old Game.'#	1:41:27	1:41:30
You got three old guys with loaded guns on stage,	1:41:30	1:41:35
they look back at their lives,	1:41:35	1:41:38
see who they were, what they accomplished...	1:41:38	1:41:43
how close they came to realising their dreams.	1:41:43	1:41:47
The winner...	1:41:50	1:41:53
is the one who doesn't blow his brains out.	1:41:53	1:41:57
He gets a refrigerator.	1:41:57	1:42:01
# There's no business like show business	1:42:08	1:42:11
# Like no business I know	1:42:11	1:42:16
# Everything about it is appealing	1:42:16	1:42:20
# Everything the traffic will allow	1:42:20	1:42:22
# Nowhere can you get that happy feeling	1:42:22	1:42:25
# When you are stealing that extra bow	1:42:25	1:42:30
# There's no people like show people	1:42:30	1:42:34
# They smile when they are low	1:42:34	1:42:38
# Even with a turkey that you know will fold	1:42:38	1:42:41
# You may be stranded out in the cold	1:42:41	1:42:45
# Still, you wouldn't change it for a sack of gold	1:42:45	1:42:49
# Let's go on with the show... #	1:42:49	1:42:52

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

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