Daddy and Them

This film contains strong language.

CHILD WHOOPS

CHILDREN YELL, LAUGH

-WOMAN YELLS:

-No! No!

GRUNTS: Come here.

No! I'm gonna do it! I swear, I will. Let go!

Stop it!

Stop it!

-Let go. Let go.

-Stop it.

I'm telling you.

-Give me that back.

-Ow! Ow.

-Give it to... Ow!

-Drop it!

-I'm gonna cut both of us.

-What do you care?

You said you're gonna kill yourself anyway.

-Give it to me.

-Ow!

Give me the glass of piece. It's dangerous.

It's piece of glass. You said "glass of piece".

I don't care what I said.

-Ow!

-Come on and get up.

Quit acting silly.

-Ow.

-HE GRUNTS

SHE PANTS

I'll cut that thing right off your arm,

then I might have a reason to live.

You're the one that told me to get it covered up.

Talk to that dope head that done it.

He's the one who said it's artistic to do it that way -

pointy, not blocky.

Well, it's still a rose, crossed out name or not,

24 hours a day a rose.

And to top it off,

you've got that feather or whatever down by your crotch.

I know it's just a cover-up job hiding your true feelings.

What if I had your brother's name tattooed by my deal,

a sex reminder every time you went to fool with me?

That's how I live every day of my life, rain or shine.

Honey, a rose is just a symbol

that represents a flower called a 'rose'.

You ought to be damn proud I covered her name with a feather,

cos I done it for you out of love.

Bullshit. I stayed on your ass.

It's the only reason you fixed any of it.

The only reason you got that one meaning 'God'

is to take my attention off her all over you!

I didn't say that. One guy said it meant God.

The other guy said it's a Wewak on account of its flag.

They don't even believe in God...or Jesus.

Honey, I just picked it off a picture on the wall

cos it called out to me cosmic.

And you know I'd put your name on me anytime, anywhere.

I don't want it! You think I want to be just like her?

Thanks and no thanks.

Thanks and no thanks.

Thanks and no thanks. Thanks and no thanks.

Communists don't believe in God or Jesus?

Uh-uh. I heard they're short on toilet paper too.

How do you know that?

That guy I worked with, the one I told you about -

the tractor run over him and killed him.

Uh-huh.

He told me.

I'll be darned.

I didn't know that fact.

Come on, baby, let's go in the house.

-SOFTLY:

-OK.

Honey, look. Does my belly look flat as it did yesterday?

Of course it does.

Are you sure? Cos it feels bloated.

Sugar, it's not. Come on.

You have to promise me you won't leave me if I get fat.

Hand me them candy corn, will you, sugar?

Sure, baby.

Thank you, baby.

Honey, it ain't that I don't want to go see your momma.

It's that we can't afford to go to Nashville and back.

I've done told you that. It takes gas money to go places.

You don't wanna see my momma cos you hate her.

-I bet if Rose wanted you...

-Don't start that shit again.

What if fucked your brother? You wouldn't like that a bit.

I didn't used to fuck your sister. She was my girlfriend.

-We didn't fuck.

-You didn't fuck her?

Of course I fucked her! She was my girlfriend.

You know what I mean by that.

And all your momma's gonna do

is talk about your damned old boyfriends.

-How great they were.

-Mm-hm.

Sick and tired of hearing them damned stories.

I've heard them a hundred times.

And they're idiots, every one of them.

So I'm such a dumb ass I went with idiots all the time?

You said it, honey.

You like to hurt my feelings, don't you?

OK. You're not a dumb ass. I'm sorry.

But they were fucking idiots.

Every last one of them was little-dicked idiots.

Muscle men half of them, which I know you like.

Fuck every one of them!

You hate my whole family, don't you?

I love your family.

Does that mean I have to love yours?

Honey, you're gonna have to quit

acting like you're going to kill yourself.

It's embarrassing.

You know the neighbours talk about us, don't you?

You fucked my sister!

You was 13 years old!

Did you want me to get thrown in jail?

I couldn't fuck you, could I, back then?

-TELEPHONE RINGS

-It's on the washer.

Where's my brush?

Hello.

You're shitting me.

Is JC with him in there?

OK. All right.

We'll you call up tomorrow. Bye.

Who was it?

Honey, it was my daddy.

Uncle Hazel's been thrown in jail for armed robbery.

-What?!

-QUIETLY: Yeah.

We're gonna have to go to Little Rock. His bail's pretty high.

-Uncle Hazel?

-QUIETLY: Yeah.

Well, what's he doing

committing a crime like armed robbery?

I don't know, honey.

Can you slice that baloney a little thinner?

You know how Ruby is about thin meat for sandwiches.

-MAN:

-It's pretty thin.

Hey, Dewey, is, er, baloney pretty lean?

I think so.

-I mean fat content-wise.

-Oh, it's good. It's good.

What do you say we just put it on ticket today?

-COUGHS:

-Well, now, Claude, your bill's pretty darn high

right now as it is,

and you ain't paid so much as a nickel on it

as long as I remember.

Now, if you just pay a little something every month

so it looked like you're trying...

..is all.

That's easy for you to say. You're self-employed.

You don't have to work for the county for 5.25 an hour.

I have to feed a woman acting like there'll be no more food.

She's skinny as a rail. I don't get it.

She ordered a goddamn COD elephant, a ceramic elephant.

COD. Her signature's on it. You don't know what it's like.

You oughtn't take the Lord's name in vain

when you're talking to a deacon of the church.

You've just went to pot

ever since your folks moved up to Little Rock.

-Your daddy paid his bills.

-Tell you what, then.

You just keep your damn thick-assed baloney. Here.

-No...no...

-There you go.

-Keep it.

-Claude.

Keep it. I don't give a shit.

You just sit here in your airconditioned store

while I cut weeds and fill potholes.

And your church can kiss my ass.

The only reason y'all go to church

is to show off new clothes.

Don't think I don't know about stuff like that.

And you don't give a shit about Jesus.

Jesus was a carpenter. He was like me.

He worked for a living, building chairs.

-CLEARS THROAT:

-Are you still an alcoholic, Claude?

Can you slice me another pound of baloney, then?

She'll have ass if I don't bring it home. We're going on a trip.

How come she's got to come down here at all?

It ain't her people locked up in jail.

Honey, the whole family's gonna be there.

Now, your daddy and them is my family and vice versa.

Other words, Momma and Rose is your family.

My folks should be involved in any big-time situations,

other words, a crisis situation.

How come we have to wait for her to come from Nashville

to ride 81 miles?

Why don't she go to Little Rock? We'll be there and meet her.

It's what she wants. She ain't getting any younger.

You know all she'll talk about is your ex-boyfriends.

-Here we go.

-Who wants to listen to that?

You hate her, plain and simple.

It ain't going to take her no hour, anyway.

-She's flying on an aeroplane.

-Flying on a aeroplane?

See, she can afford to fly here on an aeroplane,

we can't even afford some damned baloney and candy...dreams.

-Or whatever they are.

-Candy corn.

Wait a minute. We ain't got no airport.

Uh-huh.

In Little Rock.

Well, yeah, in Little Rock. That's my point.

She'll be flying into Little Rock.

It's the only place to fly into. She'll done be there.

Honey, she's got something

she wants to talk about on the ride up.

She's getting a taxicab in Little Rock to bring her here,

then she'll ride to Little Rock so she can talk to us.

See? Want some candy corn?

-That rash I get.

-Oh, yeah.

Y'all are wired different, you and your momma.

-There's something off about you.

-Honey.

-Your commonsense is off.

-Hey, baby.

Will you... will you rub my foot

while we're waiting for Momma and the others?

Momma and them who?

Momma and them Rose. Rose is coming too.

She is?

Don't act so damn happy just cos you fucked her.

You're a sacrilegious person, you know that?

I've explained and explained to you

if it's your girlfriend, you don't call it fucking.

-Then don't call it fucking.

-You're hurting my foot.

So you don't mind riding to Little Rock with me and Rose?

She is my sister! And I love her!

I just don't like it that you fucked her.

And I call it fucking, cos that's what you did.

-QUIETLY:

-Look what you did.

You want to play some cards or dominoes?

You know me and dominoes.

I sure do, baby.

Y'all go to church today, honey?

It's Saturday, Momma.

What are you doing about work, Claude?

What do you mean?

Well, what kind of work are you doing now, Claude?

You keep switching around so much.

How come Uncle Hazel robbed a liquor store?

Ruby says you're doing some kind of forestry work?

It wasn't a liquor store, was it, honey?

I'm cutting weeds for the county.

No, honey. It was a Quick Stop Mart.

How come he married a psychiatrist?

I thought it was a foot doctor.

Uh-uh. A psychiatrist.

She's from England or something, I believe.

What's the difference

between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?

One of them can give you dope, the other one can't.

That's what I heard. Downers and uppers.

Claude, if you hadn't left poor Rose,

you'd be with her right now, riding to Little Rock.

-Don't her hairdo look good?

-Momma.

I left him. He didn't leave me.

That ain't the way you told it before.

Jewel, in the name of God,

please give me some peace about that.

It was ten years ago.

Poor thing's had ulcers since.

Hello! I'm here. I happen to be his wife, Momma.

Ain't you got any manners?

I didn't mean anything by it.

I was just ragging on your sister's hair.

I would've done the colour, except I had to buy shoes.

What do you think, Claude?

It's good.

What's that, some kind of little strawberries on it?

Ruby, who was that boy

you thought got you pregnant at camp?

Goddamnit!

I am sick of that shit.

Ain't you got something else better to talk about?

It turned out she wasn't pregnant, anyhow...

Shit!

OPENS LID, ICE RATTLES

RATTLES ICE VIOLENTLY

Y'all can have it.

I'm just gonna get out of here

and y'all can drive to Daddy and thems

or go to Nashville or whatever.

I'm going to the bus station in Arkadelphia and go in the bus.

Ain't you going to go after him?

Not when he's like that. It won't do no good.

Gets them dead eyes, you can't talk to him.

If he was mine, I'd go get him.

You kiss my ass.

You going to drive or you want me to?

CROW CAWS

If I don't diet I'll lose my rear end. I'll kill myself.

INSECTS CHIRRUP

STONE BANGS, TYRES SCREECH

MAN PANTS

GRUNTS

RECEIPT PRINTS

SIGHS: Oh, shit.

Figured you'd be here this time of night.

Hi.

-You and her have a fight?

-Yeah.

-Need a ride?

-Yeah.

WOMAN SNORES

Hmm.

How's it going, Alvin?

Who is that?

It's that psychologist Hazel married.

Hmm.

I wondered what she looked like.

-I guess that's it, then.

-Mm-hm.

Anyway, I'm going to bed.

Some of y'all wake me up to eat in the morning.

She looks kind of English, doesn't she?

Mm-hm.

Ruby's in there in my room if you're looking for her.

How you getting along, Alvin?

Oh...still nervous, just about all the time.

Yeah, me too.

BOTH SNORE

-WHISPERS:

-Hi.

-Hi, sugarplum.

-Hey, baby.

How come everybody else is asleep and you're not?

Do you like this colour fingernail polish?

Well, I can't hardly see it.

-Can you?

-Yeah.

You know, I feel as good as I've felt in a long time.

-That's good, honey.

-Yeah.

Boy, Hazel's wife sure looks English, don't she?

I took a bath and washed my hair.

I like to sit with the open window with my hair wet,

fiddle around with little things like fingernail polish.

It's like a little hobby, you know?

-Yeah.

-I like to be clean. Don't you?

Oh, yeah. Sure, hon. Well, you gotta be clean.

Yeah.

I like to be up when there ain't nobody else up.

Feels like the whole world's asleep.

Can't nothing get you or bother you, you know?

Well, seems to me that's when everything CAN get you.

That's when folks get knocked in the head

and shot, cut up and everything - at night.

I won't think about things like that right now.

And if you keep talking about it, you'll sleep on the couch.

I don't think so.

'Sides, that...that English woman's on the couch.

Oh, yeah.

Ain't you gonna ask me how I've been?

Well, I thought maybe you'd ask me how I've been.

Well, I've had a bellyful of gas all day. That's how I've been.

Oh.

Yeah.

Boy, you got a pretty foot, honey.

Thank you, baby.

You don't reckon we can find some place to fuck around here,

where there ain't nobody laying, do you?

-SIGHS SOFTLY:

-Well, it's a nice night out tonight.

There's about six or eight car hoods in the front yard.

You're so fond of that.

Yeah, I am.

I just love the way you look in the light of the moon.

Honey, this ain't the time of the month

when it's easier for you to have a baby, is it?

No, I don't think so.

Would you still love me if I was having a baby

and got to be a big, fat lady?

Of course I would, baby!

I wouldn't care what you looked like.

You're my baby.

Plus, it'd be like that famous quotation, you know?

There'd be more than twice of you to love.

I believe Ben Franklin or one of them said it -

some of that bunch that signed that Constitution.

I never heard that.

How you been, honey?

Fine.

You?

It's been a long day.

Yeah.

BOTH CONTINUE SNORING GENTLY

BIRDSONG

-Claude?

-GROANS: Yeah, well...

I guess.

Momma made that little bitty sausage for breakfast.

Y'all better come on.

It's funny of you to bring up meat right off the bat that way.

I was having a dream there was a recall of some meat somewhere.

I believe it must've been California.

Everybody was blond-headed.

Might've been Switzerland or one of them places there.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

But the sun was out.

Well, probably was California, then.

Or Florida.

Well...

We'll be in in a minute.

Whoo, boy! I slept so good in that bed last night.

Well, I know one thing. You slept on most of it.

You didn't leave me but two foot to sleep on.

How'd you sleep last night, OT?

No wink of shit with all that racket outside.

Don't think I didn't know

you took little Rose to bed on top of my car.

Daddy, what'd you expect me to do? We had a full house.

Keep your horse in the barn for a couple of nights,

till your Uncle Hazel gets out from under all them charges.

That ain't no kind of respect.

So you know, OT, that was ME, making love to my husband.

He quit Rose quite a while back.

-Pretty...

-CORRECT somebody for once.

Oh, Claude was just saying last night...

Ain't Rose pretty?

God damn you, Momma.

Claude was just saying last night, Juliet,

that, um...you sure look English.

I was. And you do.

-You just look English.

-You do! Don't she look English?

How come none of us was invited

to you and Hazel's wedding, Juliet?

Well, we just had a quick ceremony

down at the courthouse, with witnesses.

Not a proper religious ceremony.

Your parents were there.

Well, we just figured we'd be invited,

you know, being family and all.

I'm a massage therapist

and health and fitness nut, you know.

Max here, he works for the Gazette.

Gazette Democrat now.

-He's from Chicago, though.

-We're really sorry.

We just did it rather suddenly, you know.

Well, we just kind of got our feelings hurt.

I mean, God, Hazel's my uncle, after all.

He was always saying how pretty and how sexy he thought I was.

Well, not in the gross way.

Speaking of gross, Billy,

this woman is from England.

Do you want her to think

all Americans are whiny-ass little shits like you?

Is that you what you want? CLAPS

TOY GORILLA SCREECHES AND PLAYS 'MACARENA'

Reckon we could stop at Pizza Boy after church?

We have to go see Uncle Hazel in jail after church.

Sure like me some pizza.

Well, let's see. I guess...

..I guess maybe we'd better take two cars.

JEWEL: We're not Methodist. Me and the girls can stay here.

We'll meet up after church with you.

Ruby can drive their car.

And you just go on

and you just take Alvin and your mom and daddy.

That's four of you.

Billy and Max are there, so that works out. Just go.

Now, that's not right, little Rose.

You need to go to church with Claude.

A woman needs to be in church with her husband.

I just wish everybody would get on the same page.

MINISTER: Thank you, Jesus.

We'd like to keep the Montgomery family in our prayers.

As OT's brother, Hazel,

was incarcerated recently for...

CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS

..I believe it was burglary, wasn't it, OT?

-Armed robbery.

-Armed robbery.

-MUSIC STOPS WOMAN:

-I'll be darned.

Didn't have to tell the whole town, Daddy.

Brother Russ, would you strike something up for us?

PLAYS DRUMS REPETITIVELY

You tell him to get himself back out there and fix it.

Unless...he'd like to have his ass whooped.

-OT:

-You all stay off my hind end back there.

I'm going as fast as I can.

Ain't nothing for me to whoop a plumber's ass.

ALARM BEEPS REPEATEDLY

Well, at least this is a clean jail.

Bring him back here. We'll have a square-off place for him.

I'll just take care of him then and there.

CALLS: Hey, listen. Hey, y'all?

You can't just walk through, pretty as you please.

Get back over here. I'll check you out.

-Hey, y'all.

-ALL:

-Hey!

Here's your wife. GIGGLES

Oh, Hazel, are you getting along all right in here?

Yeah, it's all right.

Can you, can you s-sleep pretty good?

-Yeah, all right.

-Yeah. Yeah.

It's a hell of a thing to watch a big brother and a baby brother

talking to one another on the jailhouse phone.

Huh?

I said,

it's a hell of a thing to see a big brother and a baby brother

talking to one another on a jailhouse phone.

-Yeah.

-I'm sorry everything's greasy.

Take a towel or something and wipe it off.

Yeah.

Something about a jail gets me kind of horny.

-WHISPERS:

-Even in the movies.

What do you mean?

You mean, because there's men in here?

-SOFTLY:

-No, baby.

Because there's men in here,

built-up muscle men and you like that.

I do not!

That's exactly what you're talking about.

So I've got to get built-up more

to keep you from running off with a goddamn criminal.

Hey, Claude and little Rose

drove all the way from Arkadelphia...

One of these days, I'm going to do it. You watch and see.

Honey, you know Daddy's senile.

He knows damn well we don't live in Arkadelphia.

Honey!

Good morning.

They usually don't come in on a Sunday.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Welcome, everyone. Come on in.

Here we go. Hi.

-ALL: Hello.

-Come on in.

Hi. I'm Lawrence Bowen and this is my wife, Elaine.

Hello.

I'm actually a partner.

In the firm, um, not just his partner in life.

Yes, that's right. We're Mr.. We're Mr Montgomery's attorneys.

Yes, and they would know that.

MUTTERS: I'm sure they would.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Obviously, Julia and I have... CLEARS THROAT

..gotten to know one another quite well

as this thing has gone on

and I assume that the rest of us will...

-I've gotten to know Julia too.

-..get acquainted as time...

-Because there are two of us.

-Great.

You see, WE...

..we just had brunch,

Lawrence and I.

OK, well, I thought that, er, we'd get started

by, you know, just getting to know one another

and, er, letting you know where we are...

Lawrence, perhaps...they might like to sit down first.

Uh, you see, Lawrence is from Chicago.

So sometimes, his manners slip a little.

I'm Canadian. Enough said.

Please, sit down.

Please.

-Go on. Have a seat. CLAUDE:

-Daddy and Momma...

-WOMAN:

-And Momma, she's got to sit down.

-WOMAN:

-I've got high heels on.

Why don't you sit in the middle?

-This seat, sir. That's fine.

-Very comfortable.

Hey, Jewel, you sit over here.

-OK. What about his wife Julia?

-Well, she's been here before.

-JULIA:

-No, I'm fine. It's perfectly all right.

I love your hat.

Not very comfy.

-JEWEL:

-Thank you.

-Sure.

I'd like to start

by just saying that we have started formulating our case.

I'm actually the head of the firm.

Um, I brought Lawrence in when we married.

You see, when my father moved to Little Rock from Toronto...

Elaine, I don't think they want to hear about that right now.

-CLEARS THROAT OFFENDEDLY:

-OK, Mr Whatever.

Let's just cut to the brass tack, shall we?

Attempted murder...

It's a very serious charge.

I-I'm afraid it looks very bad for Mr Hazel Montgomery.

It also looks like, basically,

an open-and-shut case for the prosecution.

I'm actually quite sure, you know,

70% sure, that we could have this reduced to assault.

Oh, bullshit!

Oh, be straight with these people, Lawrence.

I mean, look how many of them there are!

Attempted murder?

I thought it was armed robbery.

That's what y'all said.

I sugar-coated it.

Because of the nature of my work as a psychologist,

I thought it would be a great, um...

..marital aid, so to speak,

for Hazel to learn more about what I do.

LAUGHS

-SUGGESTIVELY:

-Marital aid.

-What?

-Marital aid.

Oh, right. OK.

What does that have to do with?

Are you all making fun of marriage?

Well, hell, no, honey.

I'm not making fun of marriage.

Talking about a marital aid.

It's just a little plug with a string on it.

SHE LAUGHS

That's all right.

Um, yes, it was indeed very helpful

in understanding what we each deal with every day.

And Hazel...

-SIGHS:

-You know,

he really started to feel some real self-worth.

He was helping people, you know

-and not just "selling wood", as he put it.

-LAUGHS

-Claude, you sold a little wood, hadn't you?

-GIGGLES

In my time.

Well, then, this fellow, Tommy Christian, started calling.

Actually, you gave it away, didn't you?

God damn you, Claude.

Can't you give me one night

when you don't drive me crazy and break my heart?

Well, don't give me shit about it.

Talk to your sister there.

Tommy was very disturbed.

GIGGLING >

And he started talking to Hazel incessantly

about thoughts of suicide.

Well, Hazel practically became his therapist.

That Russian that wrote Lolita.

He took that word and split it in two

to where it came out... "the rapist".

What happened, Hazel made the mistake

of meeting Tommy in person.

Tommy became obsessed with Hazel,

started calling him in the middle of the night,

all the time, at home, at work, always threatening suicide.

Hazel couldn't stand the sonofabitch.

He was about to drive him crazy.

So he went over and tried to kill him with a doorstop.

Yes, well...that's the short version.

Around here, that's better.

Hazel maintains his innocence and I believe him.

I could go into why, but, um...

..perhaps, another time.

We could all use some rest, I'm sure.

Could I ask you a question, like, a business-like question

about your psychology business you've got?

Certainly, Claude. Yes.

Are you the one that can give out dope or the one that can't?

-SHAKILY:

-So which one used it on who?

SOFTLY: What?

-VICIOUSLY:

-The plug deal.

TOY GORILLA SCREECHES AND PLAYS 'MACARENA'

# Doing the monkey dance... #

Momma, please quit playing that monkey.

# Doing the monkey dance

# Moving the body with the monkey dance... #

Claude Montgomery, political science.

Linebacker.

Listen, I don't know. I could explain it to you better, maybe.

Listen, y'all stay off them cars tonight.

I want to get me some sleep.

I don't think you gotta worry about it, Daddy.

Ruby's mad as hell at me tonight.

What's that got to do with anything?

Well, I-I-I tell you the truth.

I'm just... I'm just wore plum out.

Rose looks like she's mended up a little.

She ain't finally carrying me a little grandbaby, is she?

Daddy, I wouldn't have a clue what Rose is carrying.

Mmm.

Well, goodnight. Y'all say a little prayer for Hazel.

Yeah, we will.

I had a awful dream about him,

getting corn-holed down at the jailhouse

by a gang of white guys.

Whew.

Hey, sweetheart. How are you doing?

Yeah. That's right.

I don't know. Whatever you want to do.

Say there.

SNORES

SNORTS

What do you say, pudding? What are you doing - playing?

You better start talking. I want it all.

Don't let another minute go by

without telling me every little nasty-assed bit of it.

It's my right to know what I'm dealing with here.

If you used that contraption on her -

tugging it in and out of Rose, tugging it out of her -

I've the right to know.

You mean her tugging it out of me.

You said me tugging it out of her, then you started...

You know, you sonofabitch. Just start talking.

I want to know where I stand, fat thighs and all.

If you like that shit, little diddle sticks,

I'll visit the hardware store

and buy a load to run out of us that'll cripple us for life!

Honey, I'm always straight with you.

I mean, you know, maybe it hurts.

But I... I don't bullshit you. I'll... I'll tell you everything.

I'll tell you every little detail

about everything you want to know.

Every little detail. I bet you'd like that.

You like talking about it and killing me.

What are you saying? I thought you wanted to know everything.

What about you? God knows what you've done.

-You probably lie about it.

-Here we go.

Am I the best? Who the hell would know?

You've probably been out with guys that don't even...

Say it to me. Don't tell me!

You talk about killing somebody. You kill me and you know it.

I've told you a million times you're the best.

-But you're lying.

-It always becomes your shit.

It's me we're talking about. My feelings are hurt.

Can we talk about me now? It's not you.

What happened with that thing and what is it?

It's just a toy, just a little old bitty toy.

And it was a million years ago, honey,

back when me and Rose was two consenting adults.

Lower your voice! You want her to hear?

Add that to injury.

Listen, sweetheart, a...a man's got a past.

SHE EXHALES I wish it wasn't that way.

But you know, that's the way the world goes around.

Yeah. Well, a woman's got a past too.

And you keep bent out of shape about it all time.

-I do not!

-Oh, my God.

-SHE LAUGHS

Ruby, do you remember that time

that you run off with that Efred boy?

Oh, God.

Y'all didn't show back up for three days.

And it turned out y'all was in jail

for, um, er, stealing a whole bunch of pet milk

and...was it frozen pizzas?

Popovers, Momma.

Yes. That's right. It was popovers.

Why did you wait so long to call me?

I had the most awful nightmare about that...

..that you and this boy was taking poison

instead of staying in jail,

like Romeo and Juliet and them done.

You was in jail for three days with a guy?

You never told me that.

Yeah. Three days.

I'm going to go outside and pray for Uncle Hazel right now.

He needs our prayers.

He's laid up in that jailhouse

probably getting corn-holed as we speak.

Now there's your some tugging in and out.

GUNSHOT, GUN CLICKS

FIRES GUN

You see that? Now look at you.

I always did say one thing you could do is shoot.

Now just do the same thing and get me a grandson.

Little girl, aren't you proud of your husband?

Which one of us are you talking about?

-FIRES GUN

-See that, Jewel?

-Good shooting, OT

-Yeah. Yeah.

There maybe snow on the roof,

but there's still fire in the fireplace

or whatever it is they say.

-LAUGHS:

-I'm sure there is.

-Claude, can I shoot your gun?

-GUNSHOT

In a minute. I'm using it now.

-MOCKINGLY:

-"Claude, can I shoot your GUN?"

What's wrong with you, Miss Priss?

-Can't you ever just have fun?

-SHE GRUNTS

Elbe, what in the world are you doing?

I'm over here shooting and Jewel and...

..one of the girls is watching.

I-I just got it in me to pick something pretty.

Honey, what are you doing?

Kiss my ass!

Well, I don't know what them lawyers want,

but out of all this, they ought to find something they like.

See you.

VOICE ECHOES: We've got the list.

-We know what to do.

-Let's go.

-SONG:

-# An old cowpoke Went riding out

# One dark and windy day

# Upon a ridge he rested as he went upon his way

# All at once a mighty herd of red-eyed cows he saw

# Coming through the ragged sky

# And up the cloudy draw

# Yippee i-ay

# Yippee i-oh

# Ghost riders in the sky... #

# The riders loped on by him He heard one call his name

# You want to save your soul from hell

# Riding on this range

# Then cowboy change your ways today or with us you will ride

# Try to catch the devil's herd

-# Across the endless skies... #

-SOFTLY: Everclear.

# Yippee i-ay

# Yippee i-oh

# Ghost riders in the sky

# Yippee i-ay

# Yippee i-oh. #

-OT:

-Problem is everything else we're cooking is raw

and everything nearly there cooked is burnt.

I should've knew better

than to let them try to barbecue anything.

I got foot trouble.

Is Hazel going to the pen?

Well, if he would agree to plead guilty to a lesser charge,

maybe we could work something out.

However, he insists on pleading not guilty.

I thought that's good, isn't it?

It's real good if you're not guilty.

-CHUCKLES:

-Mr Montgomery's our client, Elaine.

We don't represent people that we feel are guilty.

I know that, Lawrence.

But I also know when a case looks tough.

I mean, they HAVE an eyewitness.

Don't forget, I've been around a little longer than you.

Nobody's arguing with that, sweetheart.

Oh, look, do I have to remind you again and again...

No, you don't have to remind me

every time you get a hot flush.

Have much more fucking often could that be? Huh?

What are you reminding me of, after all?

That your Daddy's rich and he bought you a career.

I don't know how fucking impressive you think that is.

Go to hell.

Listen, don't you think

the important thing right now is Hazel's defence?

You know, I think I finally realised,

the cuteness wears off really fast.

And besides, with a 30-year-old,

you think you would expect more than a four-minute erection.

I mean, it is the point, isn't it?

SHE GIGGLES

So you just take your mail-order law degree

and you shove it up your ass.

Cos it's over.

I, er...think maybe we're not the best attorneys

for Mr Montgomery.

Well, Claude, are you happy now?

Hazel ain't got no fucking lawyers.

-MAN:

-Madison County Superior Court is now in session.

The Honourable Ned Doherty residing.

All rise.

All down.

OT: Yeah. I got in a lot of trouble in France.

I did most of my fighting in Belgium - military-wise.

But I kicked up my heels in France a time or two.

What, er...what war did you lose your legs in?

I ain't old enough to be in no war, except the Gulf.

That wasn't no war, just a bunch of missile shooting.

My ex-wife shot me in the back.

Didn't even shoot by hand. They used computers.

One boy broadcasted on the news from up and under a bed.

They say a lot got poisoned.

I guess nobody told them a bed wouldn't stop a nuclear rocket.

-No.

-Yeah. Yeah.

Shot you, just like that?

Drunk half a bottle of uncle something's bourbon, shot me.

I haven't heard from her since.

Huh.

That middle boy of mine's a crack shot with a rifle.

All right. Will the defendant please rise?

Mr Montgomery, do you understand

the nature of the charges against you, sir?

HAZEL: Tell you the truth, Judge,

I don't understand any of this mess.

-Say "Your Honour".

-Huh?

Not "Judge", "Your Honour".

Well, Your Honour, I didn't do anything to get myself here

that you wouldn't have done or anybody else

if you went through what I did with that little shit...

Oh, my God! You head-knocking redneck sonofabitch!

-You are crazy as a loop.

-Hey!

Judge, let me tell you, you don't know the devil

that this man right here...

Your Honour. That's what they told me to say.

I'll have order, both of you, right now. You understand?

We understand the charges, Your Honour.

-No, we don't.

-Yes, we do.

You're damn right you do.

You hit me with a solid iron doorstop.

Kiss my ass!

What are you doing here?

Oh, my baby brother's being arraigned

on some serious charges.

He didn't do it, though.

There's something off somewhere. He's a good boy.

Married a English woman.

I didn't even know she was mad at me.

She ain't spoke two words to me since Teddy turned three,

six months ago or something.

Well, see there - children. That's something.

JC is screwing everything that ain't nailed down

and ain't had no babies.

I think he uses them darn condrums.

And Alvin, he's got his nose

in a dad-burned book all the time.

And Claude, for all his car-hooding

and God knows what all with that little girl,

must be shooting blanks

or she's got female trouble.

Them your boys?

Grandchildren's a whole lot easier

to live with than real kids is what I heard.

My boys are all I got.

Teddy and Jack - three and four.

Over at their granddaddy and grandmomma's house.

Well, see there - grandchildren.

Ain't you going in to watch your brother?

I can't watch.

He lost his lawyers.

They had a May and December marriage.

They give him a government lawyer.

He seems nervous and ignorant.

All right. We're going to try this again.

Mr Montgomery, how do you plead, sir?

-Not guilty.

-Not guilty!

Not guilty! Oh!

Miss Marvin, Mr Cardwell, can you get control...

In cold blood. And not the size of a damn...

You lie like a rock!

-SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY

-Order! Order! Order!

I'll kill you, you psychotic little bastard.

Somebody get him! Somebody get him right now!

LOUD SHOUTING

Order! Order!

You in court?

My cousin Russell, all over 38.

He was a hyperactive child and still is, I guess.

Folks is messed up these days.

Life's easier and folks is more messed up.

QUIETLY: Yeah.

Must be awful not to have the use of your legs.

It is.

At least I can hug my boys.

I was thinking the other day

about somebody being paralysed all the way up,

turning their wheelchair by blowing in straw.

Imagine that.

Not even being able to shake a man's hand.

But your kids...

Imagine that,

just having to sit there and stare at them.

They wouldn't understand.

Daddy! You're never gonna believe this!

What?

A newspaper man wants to take our picture!

Rowan Walsh. I know him. Good guy and good shooter.

BOTH LAUGH

GIGGLES

-BOTH:

-Hi.

Hi.

EXHALES EXCITEDLY

How come I'm to make that court date so far away that way?

Why couldn't we just do it and get it over with?

Courts are notorious for that.

Supposedly, they have a backlog of cases. I suppose it's true.

-OT:

-That boy back there got his leg shot by a crazy wife.

Y'all gonna be taking us to the airport later, Ruby?

-RUBY:

-Make you happy.

-CLAUDE: They can stay all year.

-You'd like that, wouldn't you?

-My God!

Ruby, there's the bags.

Goodness gracious, girl!

-You got a rear end just like your momma!

-LAUGHS, SIGHS

You see there? That's it. That's it.

I'm either gonna kill myself or get dumped by you

for some tight-assed little insurance woman.

-I didn't... I didn't say it.

-Let's go!

Here, honey. I'm gonna put it back here.

Come see us some time. Nashville ain't that far away.

You know, I miss seeing your sorry ass.

-I miss you too.

-You take care of her, OK?

-Cos... I really love her.

-Oh, I know.

You know we've got our problems and stuff.

-I love her too.

-And I'm sorry if I caused them.

No, no, that's just family. You know?

-It'll all work out.

-OK.

-We'll come see y'all.

-OK. You look real good, Claude.

Thanks.

Oh, my GOD!

-SHOUTS:

-You awful sorry bastard! You sorry bastard!

Just throw her on the couch in front of everybody!

-SCREECHES:

-God damn you! Get it over with, why don't you?!

-Go on in the house and ...!

-Hon, that's nasty talk.

C'mon, honey. You know that boy Gerald Plummer?

He's working down at the airport now.

-Cheer up. We might see him.

-Just great.

Yeah, tell her that. That's all we need here.

Honey, why don't you go see Gerald Plummer fix airplanes?

-Would you like to do that?

-I never touched him!

-I NEVER touched him!

-Well, he must've had leprosy!

-GOD! I give up!

-I wasn't doing nothing.

DON'T YOU START WITH ME!

ALL ARGUE LOUDLY

SCREECHES INCOHERENTLY

You didn't start this. It would've happened anyway.

Get in the fucking car!

See if I don't go to a nightclub!

Oh, good! Maybe you can meet somebody free!

You get in there or I'll...

Get in! Get in that damn car NOW!

SNIFFS QUIETLY

How come y'all be crying like that, Momma?

Sometimes it just gets cluttered up in my head, hon,

and...it causes me to cry.

And...

I don't know how come her to be crying, though.

BOTH SOB QUIETLY

Can I see that book?

Can I see that book?

That's a psychology book.

You mind if I read it?

Of course not.

My God, JC, you look like a cat-burglar.

I heard the whole thing, bud.

Let's go to a nightclub.

CLAUDE WHISPERS: I'm not sure what it is.

I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to do.

I wish you could help me.

-RUBY WHISPERS:

-Oh, my God.

What a horrible night for somebody.

God bless 'em.

INDISTINCT RADIO TRAFFIC

-MAN:

-You've been in a wreck. You need to be real still, OK?

-SECOND MAN:

-All right.

-All right. Don't look around.

Do you know where you're at, know what happened?

I don't know exactly what happened.

All right. We're gonna get you to the hospital.

You need to keep real still. Don't move around.

Stay right there.

-WOMAN:

-Nancy, no.

CAR ENGINES IDLE

Well, you may have internal injuries we don't know about.

You've got bleeding and everything on your head.

It could've hit the steering wheel or windshield.

Don't move. You know how much you had to drink tonight?

I had a 30-pack. You'll have to count how many's left.

All right.

-WOMAN:

-Go ahead and call someone.

Damn truck come from the centre aisle.

You know, you should've seen it. Wham!

Hold up!

Oh, my God!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Where are you going?

SHE SCREAMS REPEATEDLY

-SOBS LOUDLY:

-Oh, no!

All right. Do you know who the President is?

-Huh?

-RUBY CONTINUES SCREAMING

Yeah. Bill.

OK. Do you know where you're at?

Now come on!

-WAILS:

-No!

Hey, sugar-britches. You just getting back from the airport?

-SOBS:

-Oh, baby!

Oh, my baby!

Oh, my baby! I mean, you're not hurt too bad or dead?

Oh, you should've seen me.

We whacked the shit out of that dooley over there.

That big ol' cowboy's eyes got about as big as pie plates.

I seen 'em just before we hit him. Man, oh, man!

-You mean, you're OK?

-They were all drunk.

There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with him

except a bruise or two.

-RELIEVEDLY:

-Oh, God!

-See that? We was drunk.

Oh, baby, thank God you're always all drunk!

Thank God.

Oh, baby, I've got so much apologising to do to God!

Oh, baby. Honey. Honey, please.

Please, let's never go anywhere ever again

when we're apart, OK?

-OK?

-OK, honey.

-OK?

-If we can.

What's wrong, baby? I'm fine.

I just got knocked around a little bit. It's all right.

Honey, wait...wait a minute. Where's JC?

Oh, he's over there in the truck.

CHUCKLES: He's stuck in there. They're trying to prise him out.

Well, i...is anything wrong with him?

Well, yeah. He can't get out.

But, er...physical?

He's fine.

He was the drunkest one of 'em.

Anyhow, we're gonna take him to the hospital for observation.

We're gonna do chest X-rays.

We're gonna check for internal injuries.

-VOICE REVERBERATES:

-And if you aant to follow us, you can.

What...?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. This is Tamra.

Tamra, this is my wife, Ruby.

Ever since we got here, she's been so nice.

She just practically probably saved my life,

even though there weren't anything wrong.

Well...

-It's nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

Tamra is your name?

Um, do you think it would be all right

if I talked to my husband before you took him?

I know you have to take him, but just one moment.

-Uh, private.

-One minute.

OK.

I'll see you later, Tammy.

She's so nice.

Did, er, you have your shirt and your britches undone?

Or was it Tammy who did that for you, honey?

She done it, honey.

She had to check me, you know.

You heard what she said. Internal injuries, possibly.

Uh-huh, I bet you like that pretty-looking chick

you got there picked out for yourself.

-Interesting you picked her.

-Shit, I didn't pick her out.

She just come over here. She's the ambulance driver.

You didn't pick her out?

One women and a bunch of men around and you didn't pick her?

I didn't. I can't even have a head-on collision in peace.

I could've been tore to pieces.

You have fun at your little nightclub?

Didn't get there. We ain't but a mile from home.

We was headed there and JC bent over

for his Molly Hatchet tape, been here ever since.

-SNEERS:

-Is that right?

-That's right.

Mm-hm...well, then, um,

let me ask you something if you're so smart, Mr Nightclub.

OK? Because you're busted.

How come the truck is pointed towards the house?

Huh? You ever hear of a little thing called female intuition?

Well, yeah, it WAS pointed the other direction

till we hit that linedancer over there.

Ever hear of centrifugal force?

Well, I'm sorry that your night got spoiled.

But it's so great.

Cos you're fine now, baby. Everything's OK.

Once they prise Hugh Hefner out of the truck,

go to your nightclub you missed in the first place.

-JC:

-Hi, Ruby.

Hey, JC.

They're trying to prise me out.

Huh?

-RAISES VOICE:

-They're trying to prise me out.

I hadn't wanted to get into this.

I wanted to keep my opinions out of the way of the family.

VEXEDLY: But in view of what's happened tonight

and in the light of hard times ahead of us with Hazel's trial,

I thought I should.

Well, frankly, I thought it would be irresponsible of me

not to have this little talk with you.

Now, listen.

I really love Hazel,

as unlikely a pair as we are.

I mean, who's to say how love comes about?

Mmm?

I've heard him pour out his heart,

seen him cry,

laugh and play and get angry.

And the reason he was drawn to me, I believe,

is because he wanted someone stable in his life,

some order, some communication.

He's gotten to the point where he can't stand to be around you.

And he loves you all, but for God's sake!

I mean...

..think about it!

I should start seeing you all regularly

on a one-to-one basis.

I can't really do that. I mean, that wouldn't be ethical.

But there are other people like me you can talk to.

But haven't you noticed you're fucked up?

Totally fucked up?!

You're so...negative.

You don't ever communicate to each other

and you never, ever resolve anything.

Plus, you're all alcoholics. You drink constantly.

And two of you were nearly killed tonight because of it.

Killed?

JC. Claude.

In a car crash tonight.

And they were drunk.

My husband can't stand to be around his own family.

And he didn't realise that, poor love,

until somebody - being me - pointed it out to him.

Help me, I mean, why do you just sit there?

Mmm?

You're not going to die. You're going to fade away.

Talk to each other.

Not AT each other.

Connect. Connect. Connect!

You talk, you listen.

You respond.

You respond to the response.

You see, that's how it works.

You see, you never, ever connect.

-Do you drink?

-YELLS: Yes!

From time to time, like normal people!

Now, if I'm not mistaken, the English invented whisky.

SCREAMS: I'm not an alcoholic! I'm not like you people.

WHISPERS: Well, I tried.

Yes, Julia.

You tried.

Maybe I'll see you

when my husband comes up before the supreme high judge.

DISMISSIVELY: Goodbye.

Well, she got a bee up her ass, don't she?

Mmm, yeah.

My goodness.

FIRES GUN

FIRES GUN

FIRES AND COCKS GUN

SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY

SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY

FIRES GUN

TOY GORILLA SCREECHES AND PLAYS 'MACARENA'

# Doing the monkey dance

# Come on, everybody Watch the monkey dance around

# Some fun around the town

# Get up on your feet Jump up and down

# Doing the monkey dance

# Move your body with the monkey, dance around

-SINGS INDISTINCTLY:

-Fun around the town

# Get your feet Jump up and down

# Doing the monkey dance... #

I'm sorry.

For what?

Hazel knocking you in the head with that iron deal.

Well, that's how come me... to come on over here.

-Oh, that's...

-I lied, OK?

Now I need somebody to talk about it.

All right. Let's get away from this music.

Here.

Sit on the steps over there.

Sit yourself down, OK?

I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to kill me,

but it's been eating at me, the truth, that is.

See... I've been working on myself, a little bit at a time.

Well, I've been seeing a therapist, eating fresh fruits

and raw vegetables and all kinds of things.

And it ain't helped me none, other than that I'm regular

and don't eat as many anti-acid tablets.

Anyhow, when I was talking to your uncle on the hotline,

see, I was drinking, which I've quit.

Other than smoking reefer, which I do every now and then

with my neighbour who's eat up with glaucoma.

Anyhow, oh, I was just bitching and complaining and moaning

and just blaming everybody for everything

and he was just so nice to me.

I...well, I just kept it up and we became friends.

I'm always shitty to friends, especially nice ones.

You know how that is.

Anyhow, oh, I guess I was just being terrible to him,

to the point where I was hunting him down

to tell him how much I hated him

for not making my life right.

Anyhow, well, I guess he became

like some disgruntled office worker,

because he comes over to the house.

He starts screaming and yelling

and spilling his guts about how much I'm ruining his life

and how much I remind him of his family.

That's when I told him to kiss my ass.

I shouldn't have done that. He comes into the house.

He's angry and he starts screaming

and throwing things around.

I tried to stop him before he got into my closet.

I'm a shoe nut.

He throws me off him, I go flying right through the air

and I hit my head against that big old doorstop,

which they'd find out ain't made of iron in the courtroom.

And then my neighbour, the witness,

well, he was high on pot and all eat up with that glaucoma.

So I had him say that he saw Hazel hit me.

Anyhow, Hazel can't stand y'all.

Not one of you, he hates every single one of you,

but he's too afraid to tell you.

Now, I'm gonna go down and drop the charges

and tell the law I lied.

And all the good eating in the world

or therapy or nothing did one thing.

My therapist told me to go to a spa and rest and I did.

I went. I got massaged and meditated. I ate oat bran.

Nothing - not one thing - did one thing.

But then I got a facial.

And I don't mean a deep-cleansing,

but a relaxing facial.