Outrageous Fortune

This film contains strong language.

-OW! All right, that's it!

-What's the matter, Marie? What happened?

-She tried to kill me.

-Well, isn't that the point?

No, Lauren. This is theatrical fencing - it isn't an autopsy. OK?

All right.

Damn it. I don't even know why we have to do this.

If you want to do Shakespeare, Shakespearian people have duels.

-Not the women.

-It's my ambition to play Hamlet.

-Oh, that'll pack 'em in the aisles(!)

-Yes.

Paulette.

Ian.

Good.

Lauren.

Excellent. ALL MURMUR

Naomi?

Bitch!

-Lauren.

-Hi, George.

-Have dinner with me tonight?

-What?!

Say yes.

George!

Say yes.

Why are you acting like this?

Because I want to be with you.

-Well, that's nice!

-SHE GIGGLES

This is so funny, George. I thought you were gay.

Oh, I am.

It's just I play so many heterosexual roles that I feel I really need to do some serious research.

Uh-huh...

-And just when you think there's no greater depth to which an actor can sink...

-That's nothing.

-Remember Fran?

-Fran.

I've got a 50% hearing loss in this ear from him yelling, "Stella!" in bed.

I swore off actors a year ago.

I said, if that's the only sub-species of men available,

I'd rather not date at all. And I haven't.

But there are other things - my work, I perfect my craft...

KORZENOWSKI!

He's taking students!

But where are you gonna get that kind of money?

BUZZES

-'Who is it?'

-It's your sister-in-law.

-Hurry up - my feet are falling off.

-'Hi, Shirley, glad you finally...

'Wait a minute... Get in front of the camera.'

'I knew it.'

-Come on, Mom - let me in.

-'No, we can't afford it.'

Mom, please!

-'Is that my baby?'

-Daddy!

-'Yes, but she can't come in.

-'She wants a loan.'

-Daddy, can I come in, please, please, please?

-Daddy?

-'Daniel, what are you...?' LOCK BUZZES

-'We don't know she wants money.'

-'Of course she does!'

-'We don't know that. '

-That's right, Mom.

Can't I just drop in to see my parents?

OK, I need 5,000.

-But it's to study with Korzenowski.

-PARENTS BICKER

Stanislav Korzenowski. I'll pay you back.

'What did you say?'

-I know I owe you some money.

-'You owe us 32,000.'

But it's THE Korzenowski.

'Lauren, we sent you to Yale and London and the institute.

'You have been at this acting thing for years and you haven't earned a dime. You're still a sales girl.

-'Honey, maybe it's time for you to give it up...'

-Daddy!

'What did you do? You gave her that money?!'

-'She is our only child.'

-'She is sucking us dry!'

Daddy, 5,000. Thank you, Daddy!

-Oh, thank you!

-PARENTS CONTINUE BICKERING

-Give me back my fucking quarter!

-PHONE CLANGS

Damn!

I'm Lauren Ames. There's my application.

Your board, your pen

and my downpayment.

Keep that for now. You still have to audition.

-Sit down. Mr Korzenowski will call you.

-Thank you.

SHE SIGHS

SHE DOES VOCAL EXERCISES You nervous?

-Oh!

-Sorry! I'm sorry.

-That's OK, I'm...

It's fine.

I guess we're all a little bit...

Right.

Oh, boy - I don't blame you. SHE EXHALES

This is so intense... Shut up!

-I'm sorry.

-Holy Mary, isn't there one fucking phone in this town that works?!

You got a phone I can use?

Yeah, this is Sandy Brozinsky. Who's this?

Howie! OK, Howie -

I'm holding this thing that says you're gonna turn off my phone at noon.

I wanna tell you something - I just got outta the hospital.

I get home after two months of intensive care, they wheeled me into my building, I find your thingy

screaming I have until 12 noon today...

Hey, no YOU listen. YOU listen!

I just opened the damn thing and laid eyes on it for the first time.

Was I supposed to have them unhook the life support machine so I could pay my bills?!

Oh, so now I have three... two minutes to write a cheque

and wheel myself down to your office, Howie?

Is that the drill?

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la -la...

24 hours?

24 big ones.

All right, Howie, you're a prince among men.

I mean it. I wanna have your child. Yeah, bye.

La-la-la-la... NO!

Stop!

Please...do not screech at anyone else.

I am trying to prepare for an audition here. Thank you.

Oh, yeah? What for?

-A workshop with Stanislav Korzenowski.

-Who's that?

Only one of the great geniuses of the theatre.

-Now if you don't mind...

-Hey, maybe I should audition for him too. I'm an actress.

SHE GIGGLES

Hey, I'm a pro. I bet I'm more of a pro than you.

SHE SIGHS

Uh-huh. Well, I just made 2500 bucks doing a movie.

-Yeah!

-That's where I've seen you! It has been driving me crazy.

-You saw Ninja Vixens?

-I...

uh...must have.

Huh. Well, this whole acting thing's been going pretty good. I mean, it's all just bullshittin', right?

Actors are just bullshitters who get paid.

Where do I sign up?

Just exactly what do you think you're going to do in there?

I dunno, I'll make something up.

You're going in to Stanislav Korzenowski and wing it?!

Jesus, you'd think I was gonna go in and pee on him.

Listen to me...

you do not audition for a man of Korzenowski's reputation

without a prepared classical monologue. That means Shaw, Ibsen, Shakespeare.

I'm doing Ophelia's mad scene. I'm not waltzing in off the street

and saying, "Gee, I think I wanna be an actress!"

You know what I bet?

I bet you haven't been laid in about a year.

Ames...Lauren.

Ah... Yes, I'm coming. I-I... will be coming...

-I-I-I'm ready. I'm...

-Quickly.

Have a good mad scene.

It's really great. I just saw it.

I will not only wish you to absorb everything I say,

I will also wish you to keep notes about everything that I say.

And...I will wish to look at those notes.

Now if you say this is like high school,

I do not apologise.

I am not egotist.

But I want to know that you record my ideas.

If you do not, you are gone from the class.

All right, we begin.

We begin with...

vowel groups.

Vowel groups?

Mr Wilder...

..do you know the difference between a Texas deep song

and a Georgia deep song?

Sorry I'm late! They made me fill in one of these dumbass financial aid forms. You want 'em?

I cannot believe...I absolutely cannot believe he let her in.

And on scholarship!

I just bet I know what she did as an audition.

The woman has no training,

no experience... I mean, correct me if I'm wrong.

I really thought if you worked at your craft, just possibly, you'd get to work with one of the greats.

It's 2.95, not 295.

I knew that!

SHE SIGHS

Something's seriously wrong with my life.

Excuse me.

-Are you all right?

-Better.

I was just...um...

-Who cares? May I help you?

-Yeah. Have you got something in a pumpkin?

The shade pumpkin?

-No, a pumpkin costume.

-Oh.

-God, I sound like an idiot!

-The reason is that I teach grammar school.

-You're a school teacher?

-Uh-huh.

-You're not an actor?

-God, no. I'd be awful. Why do you ask?

Oh, there's just so many actors who come in here. Please go on.

We're putting on a little pageant and there's a kid in my class

who's very insecure. The other kids pick on him and his mom doesn't sew

and I think it would give him such a boost to have the best costume.

So I thought a professional costumers' would have an incredible pumpkin.

But I can't go more than 50 cos this is coming out of my own pocket.

I'm really sorry, I don't think we have a pumpkin.

What about a squash?

We don't have any vegetables as such.

-I'm sorry.

-Well, this is the last place on the list.

But... I'll just throw something together myself.

I really appreciate your time. Thanks.

Um...uh...listen...

-I don't know...maybe someone... maybe

-I

-could...

I've made a lot of my own costumes. I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard.

If I could help out, I'd...like to.

Oh, that would be fabulous.

I hope you'll forgive me, Lauren.

-What?

-I don't usually lunge at women like that.

-Oh!

-But you just...

..I just had to kiss you.

I really am sorry and I hope that you'll want to see me again.

-Hmm, where in the world did you come from?

-New Mexico, originally.

No, no...I mean, how can a man so delightful as you

be just wandering the streets of New York?

Single! Single!

-Yeah, I can't believe it.

-That's not by choice. I'd like to be married.

-This isn't happening.

-Why not?

Well, there must be something wrong with you. Don't you have any faults?

I smoke.

You smoke? That's it? Call the police!

No, no, no. It's an addiction.

Colton's Tobacco. New Mexico's finest.

I hope you don't mind.

Well, I'll... struggle through somehow.

HE CHUCKLES Good. Very good.

Because I'd like to see you again.

Tomorrow night.

Well...yes.

Mmm...thank you.

What's this?

"Ooh-ee-ooh-aah-ee-aah-ooh."

-That's what you do in acting class?

-Those are vowel groups.

Sorry - wow-ell gr-roups.

-Ooh.

-RUSSIAN ACCENT: Ooh, I feel the same way.

Will you please kiss me hard on da lips?

Dat was tender but tasty.

-Bite my face.

-OK.

-Aaaagh...

-Bite my leg.

Now bite my other leg.

Ooh, I'm sorry.

Oh, my! THAT kind of evening, huh?

Not the kind you're used to. No money changed hands.

A-ka!

A-ka-wa-na-ka!

A-ka-wa-na-ka... No, no, no, no.

Believe, believe! You have killed your father.

You have married your mother. Now, no words.

Remember - now, reveal.

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a....woo-HO-O-O-O-O!

Here we have a sick sea lion. Go.

-Miss Brozinsky.

-OK.

You will now perform for us, also without words,

Hamlet's soliloquy.

Who's that?

Hamlet...

Hamlet.

Shakespeare's tragedy of Hamlet!

Ah. Well...

For her we get the comic book, huh?

SHE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY

Hey!

Oh, that creep Korzenowski's driving me nuts!

Ooh...

I know what I need!

GRUNTING

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God...

Oh, God... Oh, God...

Oh, Go-o-o-o-o-d!

To die on the stage...

..is perhaps the greatest single challenge an actor can face.

The audience must know,

must absolutely believe,

that the breath, that the very LIFE is going out of your body.

Now...

YOU!

You will die now, please.

No, no...I don't believe you.

Ah. Ah, maintain your focus.

-I don't believe you. Maintain your focus.

-Stop! Stop! Stop!

Stop it! Stop it!

Are you all right?

GASPING: Fine...

Perhaps you would like to die for us now, Miss Ames?

You...I think I will shoot.

You will feel the bullet enter your body.

You will lose all muscle control.

You will fall down...

dead. Bang.

This can only be the achievement of years of training.

No other way would we ever see so false a performance,

so mechanical, so thought out,

never for one moment truly felt.

Here you must reach deep inside yourself.

You must go beyond the safety of what you know.

We know you can act, but can you be a person of flesh and blood?

CLOCK CHIMES Ah! Time.

We die again tomorrow.

And, um, please, give me your notebooks, I wish to see them.

-BEEPING HORNS

-Hey, you can't park there!

You want the delivery or not?

The man is a Nazi.

I have never been the dumbest in any class before.

I haven't seen you for nine hours.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Mmm.

-You know what today is?

-No.

It's our third week anniversary.

-Stop on the next corner.

-You got it.

-I think you need some roses.

-Oh, no, no, you can't afford any more flowers.

-Right here.

-No, don't stop.

No, don't stop. ..I know what teachers make. ..Don't stop.

SHE SCREAMS

A crowd has gathered here, traffic is backed up for two blocks,

'Killed in the explosion - the owner of the flower shop,

'and Michael Sanders, a teacher at Holmes Elementary School.' GLASSES SMASH

'Two terrorists groups have claimed responsibility for the blast.'

It's all right, Miss Ames, we've got a positive ID from his wallet.

You don't have to see him.

I want to see him.

I warn you, there's very little left to see,

particularly in the upper body region.

I want to see him.

-I'm very sorry you feel the need to do this.

-Just leave me alone with him, please.

CRYING

What are you doing here?

-Me? What the fuck are you doing here?

-I beg your pardon, I am in mourning...

-Well, so am I!

-..for my lover!

-Well, so am I!

-Who?

-Michael Sanders.

-LAUREN SCREAMS

-No!

-No, you little witch, no!

-You bitch!

-He loved me!

THEY CONTINUE SHOUTING

Agh!

You! I'm going to break every bone in your body!

-Oh, you are?

-I am!

How dare you? How dare you?

SHOUTING CONTINUES

-He loved me!

-Oh, loved you!

-Loved YOU!

-You're damn right he did.

-Oh, that's obscene!

That's reality, baby, because no way that guy gave a shit about you!

I refuse to believe for one second that he would lower himself!

Oh, he lowered himself, all right!

This is all a lie! You are psychotic!

Yes, that's right - I've known from the first time I saw you sleaze into that office.

You lied to that phone man, you lied your way into the class, and you're lying now!

THEY CONTINUE SHOUTING AND SCREAMING

SCREAMING

Well, what the hell...?

-That's not his...

-No way, look at that.

-It's too small.

-It's a fucking pencil!

-Where's the appendix scar?

-And that little mole?

THE SHOUT AND SCREAM IN DELIGHT BOTH: He's alive!

-Wait a minute, wait a minute, this was my idea.

-I don't care!

You don't know how to handle this. You can't just walk in and announce this kind of thing.

Thing? What are you talking about? You can't even say it! You can't tell them!

Just what do you think the responseis going to be when you do?

You suggest...

You suggest...

You suggest that on the basis of this little nugget of testimony,

we spend tax dollars on an investigation?!

Have you been listening to us?

The man in the morgue could not possibly be Michael Sanders!

All you have to do is look at his...

If you were to look...

in the region...

If you were to look...down.

HE STIFLES A LAUGH

Michael was not a guy other guys would have made fun of in the locker room.

-I think he's got the big picture now.

-I don't think he does.

This guy in the morgue, whoever he is, he's got, um...

Does the phrase "needle dick, the bug fucker" mean anything to you?

-I beg your pardon!

-Now, get out of here! Don't come back!

The model of tact and decorum(!)

-Who gives a shit? He wasn't going to help us?

-Of course not - you sounded insane!

Oh, it is insane.

If he's alive, where is he?

-He's probably back at my house, wondering where the hell I am! ..Taxi!

-Your house?!

-Taxi!

-Wait a minute!

-Taxi!

-Wait just a minute here!

-Taxi!

-I don't believe for one minute he's at your apartment.

-Oh, boy, are you gonna shit cement?

Taxi! Taxi!

If Michael is anywhere, I assure you he is at my place.

-Taxi! Taxi!

-Oh! You believe that?

I believe that he loved me...

that he barely knew you and you're fantasising a relationship

-that's probably an isolated, drunken encounter.

-Isolated? Hey, this girl does not have one night stands!

Every guy I have ever slept with - and we are way into double digits - has come back for more.

Every single one.

-You want to hit me, right?

-Oh!

-OK, give it a try, give it a try, let's go!

-LAUREN LAUGHS

-Bob and weave, honey. Bob and weave.

Who dresses you anyway?

Stand still, you little bitch, I'm going to bash your brains out!

THEY CONTINUE SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER

-Talk about dingbats?

-They'll lead us right to him.

Nine years of ballet!

You're too weird to hit!

-Taxi!

-Taxi!

-Taxi!

-Taxi!

Taxi! ..Wait! Just a minute!

All right, OK, you insist Michael is at your apartment, I think he's at mine, so we'll go to both.

If he's at your place, which I doubt, I will tell him goodbye.

If on the other hand, he's at mine, you will find a nice biker and compare tattoos.

Oh!

Oh!

You see, he's here.

Now, don't make a scene, try to be adult about this.

MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN

Oh, my God!

Relax, it's just thieves.

Oh!

Russian thieves?

< Ah!

He was here!

They're looking for Michael!

-Let me see!

-AH!

ALARM SOUNDS

Hi, Mrs Potter.

-GUNFIRE

-Who are these morons?

-I don't know!

Stop! Come back!

SQUAWKING

Oh, my...

How'd you get out? Come on!

LAUREN SQUAWKS

DOOR BANGS

-Oh, my God!

-THEY DEBATE WHAT TO DO IN A PANIC

These girls are bimbos - they know nothing.

-What do we want them for?

-They know he survived.

They may know where he is. We're gonna cover every airport, every bus depot, every train station!

-Oh, my God!

-God!

Well, so much for your apartment! You want to try mine?

-Oh!

-They've been here!

-Oh, my God!

-Wait a minute, nobody's been here. This is normal.

-Come on! Jeez!

-Oh, no!

-Michael!

-SANDY WHISTLES

Michael! Michael!

Michael!

-He's not here.

-I'm going to find him.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Where?

Well, he could be hiding, he could be hurt, I don't know, but I know that he needs me.

-If you'll excuse me...

-Where are you gonna look? His apartment?

-You think he'll be there if someone wants to kill him?

-Oh, well, I'm not going to his apartment.

Then where are you going?

Isn't that my business?

OK, look, hold it, OK?

You have an idea, you might as well tell me.

We'll both go and find him and we'll help him out of this,

and then we'll make him choose.

-Choose?

-Yeah.

-Between us?

-Yeah.

-I doubt that he'll know your name.

-Then we're on.

You're so goddamn sure it's gonna be you - what do you care?

I'm confident, yes.

-Well, so am I, so let's go.

-Good.

-Oh, wait, I gotta fluff.

Could you fluff a little faster?

-What is that?

-I got it off a Christmas tree.

You defiled a Christmas tree?

-No-one saw.

-What, nothing for the nose?

Oh, Lady Di, explain this to me - the man's afraid for his life, he's not going to stop and buy tobacco.

You obviously didn't spend the kind of time with Michael that I did.

-He couldn't last the day without his Colton's.

-I knew that.

-Did you know this is the only place in town that carries them?

-I didn't know that.

-No, you didn't.

Now, listen...

this time let me handle this.

-Your simplistic exchanges with people become pornographic.

-That is a fucking lie.

-Need I say more?

Excuse me, sir.

Yeah, I know the guy.

-Have you seen him? Was he here today?

-Yeah, maybe.

Maybe not.

When do you think you might arrive at a decision?

Um...over a drink?

Mm-hm. Wouldn't you feel better as a person

just unselfishly helping somebody find out something she really needs to know?

No. How about dinner?

-How about a blowjob?

-How about a...?

What did you say?

Right here, right now. Both of us.

Kind of...taking turns. Sss!

-He was in here this afternoon.

-This afternoon. You sure it was this afternoon?

-Yeah, right in my lunch break. 1 o'clock. He bought 10 pouches of Colton's.

-What else?

-Nothing.

He was in a hurry. He used the phone, and then ran out.

He used the phone at one. Is that it?

That's all she wrote, baby.

Here or in the back?

I think I can take care of it from here.

Couple of floozies!

Oh, my God!

-That is the most disgusting...

-What's your problem now?

Promising sexual favours?! That sends us back to the dark ages.

-It's something you do not do!

-You do if you're lying. Besides, it worked.

-Excuse me, but I must have missed something. How did it work? We're at a dead end!

-You'll see.

-I'll see.

-Howie Wrinkle, please?

-Oh, Howie.

How! Sand.

Great, how about you?

Yeah? How's your fish?

Uhuh.

-What'd the vet say?

-What does a diseased fish...?

-It's in the bag!

Listen, cutie, seeing as how you're my main man at the phone company, I want to ask you a teensy favour, OK?

Can you tell me what number was called out of Wally Frank's Tobacconist at 1 o'clock today?

-Yeah, yeah, I'll hold.

-This is good.

It's probably one of those guys with polyester pants and hips.

-Yeah, I'm here.

-Uhuh.

-Good boy.

-All right!

That's a cab company, right?

Got it! Oh, you're a catch, How, our kids are going to be gorgeous.

-Mwah! See you!

-OK, don't gloat.

Taxi!

Is that all the money you walk around with?

-Where's yours? I thought you were the working pornographic actress.

-I went to the Bahamas.

Hi.

Can you help me? I'm such a ditz - I left my tennis racket in one of your cabs today.

I was picked up around 77th and Broadway at 1 o'clock.

-Is there a reward?

-Yes.

-No.

-CRUNCH

-Ooh! Ah!

SMASHING

-What the hell are you gonna teach me? What's wrong with you?

-Yo!

Dipstick! There's your man!

What?

Your turn.

Oh, no.

No, I can't talk to him - I went to a private school.

He looks like a prince. He's gonna love you.

Hi...

..I'd like to ask you a few questions about a fare you might have had earlier in the day.

A very attractive Cauca...

Just "person" will do nicely. Why differentiate?

You would have picked him up right outside a little smoke shop.

Does that ring any bells of any kind whatsoever?

Hello.

-Tall dude?

-Yes.

-Tweed coat?

-Yes, yes.

A tweed coat, right.

I don't remember a thing.

-No, no, you just said a tall dude...

-I didn't say nothing.

Oh, come on now, don't give me a big song and dance.

Oh, no!

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Yeah. ..Oh, my God.

-He's going to hurt us.

-What the hell's the matter with you? Why should he help us?

All right, you tell me, what should I do?

You're an actress - bullshit him!

I don't use my training to tell lies to people.

What do you use it for?

Jeez, it's so simple.

Hey, how'd you like to make a quick 200 bucks?

-Say what?

-200 bucks. Cash. To take us to where you took the guy.

Are you out of your mind?

-We don't have 200.

-Oh, chill out, would you?

Where are we? We've been going for miles and I haven't seen a single white person on the streets.

There's one. Oops, they got him.

That's not funny.

-Oh, my God!

-Are you sure this is it?

Hey, keep your pants on, we're coming right out, OK?

Look, you know and I know I'm never going to get another cab to come out here to Vietnam, Cueball,

so get real, all right?

-All right, I'll give you 300 bucks. 300 bucks just to sit here till we get back.

-300?

You're a real pain in the ass, do you know that?

I'll break his neck...

-Beyond belief! You're determined to have us killed, aren't you?

-He's not going to kill us!

-Why not?

-Because we'll be raped and murdered in this building.

-Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, no!

Oh!

-Is that urine on the floor?

-It's a little urine.

-Freeze!

-Agh!

Oh, my God, he's just a child!

-At least rape's out.

-Let me do this.

-Do you really think you should be playing with...?

-Shut up!

-Where's your money? Credit cards?

-Revoked. Where do you think?

Your bags - throw them over here.

Oh, I love this bag.

BANG! SCREAMING

-I'm not hit!

-Oh...

You little...

You little thug!

-I'll be damned.

-What?

-It's a fake!

-Where'd you get this?

-Santa.

Oh, yeah? Well, if you want to see another Christmas, you'll have to help us find someone.

Shh!

Come on, man. Fuck this.

-This was a mistake.

-Not any more!

Police! You're under arrest!

Don't even think about it.

Don't even fuckin' think about it or I'll blow your fuckin' nuts off.

Do we understand each other?

OK, turn around.

Face the wall.

Do it.

DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!

OK, frisk 'em.

SHE MOUTHS

Damn. Busted by two broads.

Nice buns, boys. You been working out?

Read 'em their rights.

You have...

the right to remain silent.

But anything you say...can...

and will be used against you.

You, um...

SHE MOUTHS

SHE MOUTHS

Attorney. You have, um, you have the right

to an attorney...

(Shit!)

Yeah, yeah, I heard it, I heard it.

Hey, look, what d'ya want? You got it. Just talk to me.

He's right, we could make you a sweet deal, baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we heard it.

Wait a minute, maybe they can help us find Sanders.

THEY don't know Sanders!

Michael Sanders? The hell you say. He was just here.

He was just here a few hours ago.

Reg fixed him up with a passport.

-Fuck you, Gilroy!

-What the fuck you want me to say?

Oh, in the phoney ID business as well, ain't that nice?

What name was the passport under?

I wanna talk to a lawyer.

Oh, yeah? It's gonna be kind of a short conversation.

They'll have to squeegee your brains off the wall.

Yeah, you, um...

you better tell her the name, she's kinda cranky.

Yeah, I got my period.

-John Strauss.

-John Strauss. Where'd he go?

Hey, look, he's leaving town, that's all I know.

Look, I'm being real nice here, eh?

Why don't you be nice and, um, open that box on the table? Go on.

-Hey, look. Why don't you just keep it?

-You givin' them the money?!

-Forget that we ever met.

-Are you sick?!

-Turn around!

-Yeah...

happy to.

Well, I hate to give it to you, but that was pretty good!

Yeah, it was, it was!

Yeah, yeah.

Well...a deal's a deal.

And now, my man...we wanna go to the airport.

The airport.

They don't give out passenger lists.

You have to be police or FBI.

You are such a dip.

THIS is all the FBI we need.

His luggage was totally over the weight limit.

-Can you imagine the gall, trying to bribe an airline official?

-No!

-He offered me 100 to let it go through.

-What a world, I tell you.

Watch...and learn.

-IN FOREIGN ACCENT:

-Excuse, please.

I was hoping you would to help me.

Um...

How, how do I to say?

Say it quickly, I'm off in three minutes.

My father is coming here... No, I tell you from the beginning.

My name is Anna. This is my sister Elona.

My half-sister. She does not speak English.

My father, we have not seen him since we was babies, in Prague.

He send us here...in suitcase on train. We are escape, you see?

No, I'm afraid I don't.

Now, we get letter. He escape!

He is here!

But we do not know where, we do not know which plane,

could be any plane, please, you tell us which plane.

-Please...

-Absolutely not, I'm sorry.

THEY SPEAK TO EACH OTHER IN "FOREIGN" LANGUAGE

-Nein papa! No papa.

-Papa?

-Papa!

THEY SOB

Papa!

That was the single biggest crock I have ever had the privilege to hear

in my 19 years with this airline.

I think that deserves something.

-What was the name?

-Hee-hee!

Strauss. John Strauss.

John Strauss.

-Here we go.

-Uh-huh.

Flight 501 to Albuquerque...

-Looks like you just missed him.

-Oh no!

Wait a minute, wait a minute...

He took another line through St Louis and it's delayed.

-If I can put you on our flight 225 through Kansas City you can beat him.

-Ah!

-Ah!

-It's leaving in one minute.

-You get the tickets, I'll hold the plane.

-Good, good.

Two tickets to Albuquerque, please.

Oh, thank you!

Hey, what's the hurry?

Officer, those men are bad!

Hold it right there!

SECURITY GATE BLEEPS

I swear, she'll be here any second.

Her IV got caught in the luggage rack.

Sandy, where are you?

She's a sick woman, she's got to get on this plane!

There's a kidney in Kansas City that's not gettin' any fresher!

-Sandy!

-Ah!

-Please, Sandy.

Hold it there!

Anyone care for some money?

ALL: Money! Money!

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

Oh my God!

Albuquerque!

I gotta get on that plane!

-You want to apprehend?

-'No! They'll pick up surveillance.'

MAN CHATTERS INCESSANTLY

Oh my God! There they are!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, where you gals runnin' off to?

-Hey!

-Bobby, this way!

Ow!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Hey, bud! Hey, what d'you think you're...?

Aargh! Do something!

-Ahh!

-Ahh! Go!

CROWD GASPS

Oooh....

And I thought coach was bad!

Yow! Yow!

Panansky! PANANSKY!

Excuse me...

-Sir, has flight 501 arrived?

-Yes, ma'am, right there.

-Uh-huh, yeah.

-<

-Panansky!

Where's he going?

No, no, ladies. You know better than this!

You're right. You're right, of course. Thanks for your help.

Panansky!

Where the hell have you been?

-Ah! Michael!

-Michael!

-Oh!

-Wait! No, no, wait!

No, no, no!

Oh, yes, OK.

MOTOR STARTS

Hey, stop!

Go through the light, go through the yellow!

TYRES SCREECH, HORN BLARES

-LAUREN:

-You can take the bike back.

Michael and I will be spending the night in that motel we passed.

-SANDY:

-Dream on! We'll be on a plane to Hawaii!

-I can't believe it.

-He's really in there.

-Yeah.

-What's the matter? You afraid?

-Well, why should I be?

-Then why don't you go rushing into his, into his arms, huh?

-Well, why don't you?

It's a long way to come to get bad news.

Yeah. Well...

-Tut! Oh God!

-Oh, I know, let me see...

-Oh no!

-Argh, rat woman!

-Oh, it's not that bad.

-Oh no...

-Can we share the mirror?

-Oh, Christ!

-What is it?

-I would be getting a zit!

I don't see anything. There's nothing there!

-No?

-No, you're worse than I am! At least you have eyelashes.

Oh, what d'ya want? You're a natural blonde and you tan, you make me sick!

Natural? Ha ha, you think this is natural?

-"Oh my dear, you too can have this colour!"

-No shit? It looks great!

-Thanks, it's just a rinse with a toner.

-Yeah?

-You want a tic tac?

-Yeah.

-I...

Well, I'd say good luck, but...

Yeah.

-Whatever.

-Yeah, whatever.

Hello!

Michael, no!

You!

GUNSHOT Ah!

THEY SCREAM, 2ND GUNSHOT Ah!

-Michael!

-Michael!

-He's all right.

-Oh! Let's get him out of here.

HE GROANS

-Michael?

-Michael!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-You're OK, it's just a bump.

-Yeah.

-My God.

BOTH: Michael!

We are entitled to an explanation. What is your relationship with this woman?

-Did you make it with her?

-Do you even know this person?

That's why you're here?

-Well...

-Yeah!

-..I know you're in some sort of trouble

-but I'd like to discuss this first, please.

-Right now.

-Wait a minute...

-Please...

-Michael...

Here, darling, let me help you up.

-Ow!

-Oh, easy!

-You mean you did this on your own?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

There's nobody with you?

-No...

-He changed the subject, see how he did that?

-Yes you did.

Look here, Michael, there's an issue at stake and you're not going to get out of it. Whoa...

-How did you follow me here?

-I... Well, we...we knew you weren't dead in the morgue.

-And you told them?

-Of course we told them...

-Shit!

Bad idea, huh?

Wait a minute. You mean you wanted to be dead?

It would have been useful. HELICOPTER ENGINE WHIRS

Russell, abort the rendezvous, there's a chopper out there and this could be trouble.

-Get of here, I'll meet you in Tres Cruces.

-'Screw 'em, you've got the stuff.'

We don't have the advantage. I'll meet you in Tres Cruces. Acknowledge.

You're the boss. Over and out. Let's go.

You're not a school teacher, are you, Michael?

Michael, what's going on? What's in Tres Cruces?

I'm sorry you heard that.

-Who cares what I heard. What was I to you?

-What was I?

Convenient.

Moderately enjoyable.

And largely forgettable.

And a lesson to me not to leave loose ends.

THEY SCREAM

I can't go on. I don't wanna go on.

Oh, Mother told me about men like this.

I hate it when she's right.

Oh, loose ends! That's all I was to him.

-Loose ends!

-What are you doing worrying about your love life going to shit?

We're gonna die!

That's comforting!

Who the hell are they?

How am I supposed to know? He's after Michael.

They're the good guys!

THEY SHOUT OUT

-<

-Down here! Please help us!

-Down here!

Get into the light. He won't go for us if we're in the light.

Keep moving!

Come on, Sandy!

HELICOPTER ENGINE DROWNS SPEECH

He's going to cut us up!

I'll get you! I'll get you!

Come on!

Looks like these ends are going to stay loose a little longer, you big shit head!

Come on, down here!

Hello!

-Weldon?!

-Hello! I guess you know Mr Atkins.

Oh my God!

No, it's all right!

We're CIA!

CIA?!

Um, can I offer you ladies coffee or, um, a coke?

BOTH: Weldon!

What is going on?

I'm not authorised to debrief you at...

You're not authorised to debrief ME?

After I saved you from being throttled? Weldon!

HE SIGHS

Who is Michael Sanders?

He was one of our best. Very high clearance,

access to everything, and then...

..we began to suspect that he was a double agent, working for Korzenowski.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Korzenowski, our teacher?

Our teacher and, I'm sorry to tell you,

-a key undercover man for the Russians.

-Oh please!

The man has a reputation, he was the definitive Lear!

He is the definitive KGB! That's why I was in that class, I was supposed to keep an eye on him,

-see if he and Sanders were in contact.

-Huh...

-And they were?

-We still don't know how. I never saw them come within a mile of each other.

But somehow, Korzenowski hired him.

What did Michael do?

He stole the prototype of an experimental virus.

It's called floritoxin.

It's, um....an airborne defoliant.

A few drops destroys all vegetation for hundreds and hundreds of square miles.

L-Like grass and trees and the, the whole shop?

As in California.

-Oh my God!

-As in the entire wheatbelt.

He would do that?

All he has to do is spill a couple of drops

and the wind'll do the rest.

MICHAEL: Don't try to bargain with me.

I want 20 million cash.

And please don't insult my intelligence by trying to mark it.

All right. Only it's going to take a couple of hours.

Where are you?

LINE GOES DEAD

Don't be ridiculous, Weldon, they're his accomplices, they're professionals!

-No, sir! I believe them.

-What?!

You believe that a couple of two-bit actresses could crack down Sanders?

It was a rendezvous, they helped him escape, I was there, remember?

What did we know? He was just some guy we happened to be boffing.

Damn it! I don't boff! I have never boffed.

OK, had sex with. Is that white enough for you?

Move it.

-Sir, if you'll just go over their statements...

-That's what I intend to do at Fort Morgan

in an underground cell until we get Sanders' whereabouts.

Want to know his whereabouts? Fine. He said he was going to Tres Cruces, New Mexico.

That's a little bit too easy, isn't it? Get in the van!

OK. OK, here's an idea -

why don't we all go to Tres Cruces and see if Michael is there?

I'll prove it to you.

-Ow!

-I know, I know, your head hurts and it's our fault, I understand that,

-but if you'd identified yourself...

-You want me to walk up to enemy operatives

-and hand over my card?

-Who's an enemy operative?

Steve, why the hell are we slowing down?

Who the hell are you?

Oh! Oh! Oh my God!

Some of us who teach can also do.

-What do you want?

-Where is Michael Sanders?

Hey, you should know, you're the ones he's working for.

-Vasili...

-Da?

-HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

This is the last time I will ask you.

Where is Michael Sanders?

Ah! Ah!

LAUREN AND SANDY SCREAM

Come on, come on, come on!

I think you'll stay.

I never died better, did I, Teach'?

OK, let's go up, real easy.

Uh-huh... At a boy.

At a boy. Yeah, you're a good actor, but a lousy shot.

Please... Look, we can make bargain.

KGB is very generous.

Oh, stop with the KGB! How dare you defraud the entire New York theatre community!

-Lauren!

-I've never... Hi! I've never heard such behaviour in my life. These people are artists. What?

That's not the hot issue here.

No, no... OK, here it comes, Stan.

You're gonna tell us right now what was going on in that class...

or...Sandy's gonna shoot you.

I'll shoot it off, Stan!

-We needed couriers.

-How?

-Yeah.

Eh...your notebooks.

I left microdot, for him, in yours,

and he sent back reply in yours.

Well, if he stole the toxin for you, why don't you have it?

HE CURSES IN RUSSIAN

-Ah!

-SANDY LAUGHS

-He screwed you, too!

-Da. Da... He screwed me, too.

Ladies, I admit I've made a big mistake,

but if you just trust me, you can walk away from here right now with full Federal protection -

complete clearance of all conspiracy charges.

I will give you free acting lessons for the rest of your life.

-We'll pay all the expenses you've incurred.

-Oh, stop it!

The both of you, you're so full of it!

Come on, let's go. It stinks around here.

Thanks for trying.

-We'll find you!

-Not if the coyotes find you first!

Oh!

Please!

Please! Oh!

Blood is on your hands, you putz!

This is the worst day of my life.

-Yeah.

-SANDY SIGHS

-We're a couple of chumps, you know?

-Oh, we're worse than that!

-OK, yeah.

-I can't believe I didn't see it.

I am so humiliated.

-I know.

-He hit on us for those notebooks.

"Hit on"?! He got me to pick HIM up.

Don't tell me! I attacked him in a Burger King.

I worked all night on his fucking pumpkin costume!

-For a mythical student, if you will.

-No?!

-Yes!

-No?!

Hey...I baked cookies for his entire class.

-Oh, no!

-Can you see me baking?!

Icing... Icing these little happy faces on every one of them!

Well, I paid 5,000 to study with the KGB.

-The KGB! Oh, my God!

-Oh, he trashed me much worse than he trashed you.

-Oh!

-Really...Hamlet! How am I gonna know Hamlet?

You really should, if you're going to be an actress.

Oh, pardon me, but, you know, we can't all of us study

at the London school of Shakespearean weirdness, you know?

Some of us had to schlep drinks for a living.

I'm sorry, Sandy.

Oh, God.

SANDY SIGHS

So, where do you want to go now?

I don't know.

They'll be after us.

-But I was thinking...

-Yeah...so was I.

-What?

That we go find Michael and rip his face off.

-That...and get the toxin back.

-ENGINE RUMBLES

-Oh, to hell with the toxin, I just want to rip his face off.

-No, we need the toxin.

We don't want the CIA on our backs all our lives.

-Just so long as I get to rip his face off?

-I promise we'll rip his face off...

-after we get the toxin.

-Hey!

Hello, honey! Hello!

No, no!

-Hey, Stan...

-What?

-It looks like you're going to be facing a KGB tribunal.

-STAN GROANS

Unless, of course, you'd like to make an arrangement.

Would such an arrangement include...

unlimited expense account?

A condo on the Potomac?

Redskins season tickets...eh?

HORN BLARES

-Aw, nice(!)

-Thanks, Humphrey.

-It was sweet of you.

-It was my pleasure.

What shall we do first? Get a little sushi, take in a show(?)

MEN WHOOP

THEY WHISTLE

Now why would they do that?

Has there ever been one woman in the history of the world,

who actually said, "Yes, fellas, please, take me now"?

For a bed and a bath, I'd... I'd consider it.

-Bite your tongue.

-Hey, turistas! Welcome.

Hey...

you're looking for a guide, right?

A Native Indian, to show you the hidden wonders of this great Chicotakowa nation?

Well, ladies, you have found him.

Special price, today only...

-..20.

-I don't want to be the first to break this to you.

-You are not an Indian.

-That's a technicality.

I've been a blood brother to the Chicotakowa since 1968.

I got a tan. What do you want for 20?!

Honey, I'm an actress. I love to dress up and pretend -

and the hat is fabulous! But what we need right now is to find a man.

Well, OK.

It's not gonna be that great. I'm a little bombed.

-What?!

-And it's still 20!

No! No, no, no...

-We're looking for a specific man.

-So we can kill him.

Oh, then you need a witness.

Hey, I'll stand up for you in court - "I saw the whole thing.

"It was an accident." The axe slipped from your hand.

-It's a wonderful scenario. When we find the guy, we'll let you know.

-Thanks.

Find him? "Find" as in "locate"?

"Track down"? Hey, now we are rollin'!

We have hit the nail right on the hammer.

I'm a tracker. That's my vocation - a tracker -

a guy who tracks down other guys.

That's my main gig. Genuine Indian shit!

-(What do you think?

-He's a bum!

-But he might have good instincts.)

-(Shall we ask for references?)

-Hey, you want to find this guy or not?

-Ah-ha! Ancient Indian techniques.

-Ah, those could be anybody's!

Yeah, they could.

Anybody about 185lb...

dragging his right leg a little, like it's injured. And...

HE SNIFFS ..smoking one-hand-roll Colton's

every three minutes.

Admit it! The man is cool.

-Yeah, come on!

-I want you.

I want you, too.

FEMALE LAUGHTER

Oh, my God!

Wow! That is some major ill repute happening there.

-Come on, let's go.

-No! Don't try it.

You'll never get past Gert. It's customers only.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Come on! Hey, let's go, will you?

-Come on!

-("Customers".)

"Customers"!

-You get his shirt, I'll get his pants.

-Ah, come on! You had your chance at me.

-Come on now! Will you stop it?

-Oh, I want the hat!

LAUGHTER

Who do you think you're kiddin', huh?

How old are you, boys?

13? 14?

Hell, you're just babies.

Why, you can't even shave yet.

-Your daddy know you're here?

-AS A BOY:

-Hell, yes! He told us where to come.

-"Come"! Get it?

-SANDY SNIGGERS

Ooooh!

-First time?

-Oh!

No way! It's HIS first time.

-What d'you tell her that for?

-Are you chicken shit, huh?

-I've done it plenty!

-You always tell my secrets. I'm gonna get you.

-Chicken shit!

Don't do that! That ain't no way to act in a whorehouse.

-Be a man! Be a man!

-FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

This is Tina and Maria. Have fun.

Yeah, now tell me how we're gonna get it up(!)

WOMAN MOANS, BED SQUEAKS

-SHEEP BLEATS

-Definitely not.

Oo-oo-oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

-Oh, God...

-He's already at "Oh, God! Oh, God!"

-Won't be long now.

-Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Ooooh, God! BED RATTLES

Oh... GURGLING: Oh...God!

-That was it.

-He'll be asleep in three seconds.

Did you ever think you'd be glad that men roll over and pass out?

You've got...!

Have a nice day.

-I've come to a definite conclusion.

-What's that?

-You can have him!

-HE SIGHS SLEEPILY

God...

Hm?

Aw! HE MURMURS CONTENTEDLY

BOX CLICKS SHUT

Was it good for you, too?

SANDY SCREAMS

MEN WHOOP

-Hey! Ay-ay-ay!

-THEY SHOUT

Help me up.

Oh, you guys are the sweetest,

most gorgeous creatures!

-Mwah, mwah!

-You're sweet.

Yikes! Andale! Andale!

Hey, vamos! Vamos!

BLADE CLICKS SHUT

ALL: # Ay, ay, ay, ay

# Canta y no llores

# Porque cantando... #

-Hey, guys...

-Wait a minute!

-Guys!

Wait a minute! We're not supposed to stop. Why are we stopping?

-REPLY DROWNED BY CLATTER

-Oh, we have to get to a phone.

-We have to...

-A phone.

-Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

Trying to get back to the reservation before one of these guys hits on me for my phone number.

Oh, come on, you don't look so bad!

Except prints don't work for him. He should stick with solids.

-Wait a minute! Did he say...

-BOTH: ..phone?!

-Frank!

-Leave me alone!

-Frank!

-You have to listen.

-No, I don't.

-Yes, you do!

Ow, ow!

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.

-But this is really important.

-Oh, leave me alone, just leave me alone!

-We've got to use your phone.

-Forget it!

You stiffed me for 20, you leave me in drag,

you've got some maniac with a knife chasing you.

These things do not tempt me to want to team up with you guys.

FRANK MOANS Ah, what's wrong with my head?

-Are you OK?

-No!

-I think I'm gettin' sober!

-Look... Listen...

Frank, we're not just jerkin' you around.

Some guys are chasing us cos one of them stole a virus that'll destroy all the plants

and all the trees for thousands of miles. We stole it back, so now they're trying to kill us. Get it?

Jesus, the '60s were good to you, weren't they(?)

Frank, that's right, think back to the '60s.

-People did things for each other.

-They were wasted.

Listen, Frankie...get us to a telephone, all right?

I swear to you... you'll be showered with money.

Showered with money.

OK, ladies, this is it.

This is it, Frank?!

It's not exactly the hub of the reservation, is it?

-Hey, it's off-season! What do you want?

-We want to use the phone.

Hey, five minutes, that's it.

You guys stay more than five minutes, you'll bring down a goddamn tornado.

-We've no intention of staying.

-Fine.

-I'll call... I must have that blouse!

-That shirt has my name on it!

-Oh, I love this!

-I wore one of these when I did Oklahoma.

-That will be cute on you.

-You think?

-Get a little snakeskin belt, give it a little texture.

-That's a good idea. I like this, too.

Hey! Will you come on now? Just take the blouse.

Keep them. You've got to make this phone call. Get on the phone and let's get out of here.

OK, who are we gonna call?

The New York Times, huh?

-No! We'll call the President.

-That's really a call he's gonna take(!)

-"Hi, we're two struggling actresses, we're saving the world." Get real!

-He was an actor!

OK, the FBI.

We're gonna call the FBI, we're gonna turn this in and save our country.

Do you have a changing room?

This doesn't work.

They must have cut me off.

I owe them a little money.

Don't you know how to deal with those dorks?

-You don't have to pay them anything.

-You don't?

-No, all...

-No!

-What?

No, not that again.

Frank, how do we get to a phone that works?

OK, ladies. This here is Frodo. He'll take real good care of you.

You're going to ride across those hills till you come to a cliff edge.

Don't go off, it's a 700 foot drop.

Now, if you do get down you're gonna come to the rattlesnake area.

Be real careful going through there.

Take a left at the rattlesnakes and you'll come to a dirt road,

take you to the taco stand, they got a phone in there.

It couldn't be just a block and a half at the corner store, Frank?

Not around here.

-Hey, Frank. Thanks.

-OK, all right!

-Come on...

-We won't forget you.

-We'll see you get something out of this.

Sure, I'll be showered with money. Let's get outta here.

Wait, wait, wait!

I don't have the toxin. Wait a minute.

Hold on a second.

-Ah!

-Give me the vial.

Slowly.

-Let go of me!

-SHE SCREAMS

Whoa!

Asshole! Come on!

Well, of course.

Russell. Boyd.

-Where's the other one?

-She got away.

-You'll make yourself useful.

-I can't drive a stick-shift.

-Get in the back.

GUNFIRE

Let's turn around, OK?

Let's just go...this way.

Holy shit!

Go away.

Frank.

Go away.

What happened? Where's Lauren?

-They took her.

-We gotta go find her.

Oh, no.

Frank, I can't track her without you. Now, please, come on.

-You go, I'm busy bleeding!

-Frank!

You don't give up, do you?

You think I'm gonna go chasing a pack of psychos for some dumb blonde?

She not dumb. And she's not a blonde.

Well, good luck, lady.

Frank! Frank!

OK, OK.

The truth.

Lauren and I pulled a bank job.

Those guys were Feds and Lauren buried the money.

Spare me, will you?

Well, what about revenge?

These guys trashed your house. Don't you want to get even?

I'm insured, no deductible.

Save your breath.

I'm running out of bullshit, Frank.

They're going to kill her.

I know it's not your problem

but this person and I, we've been through a lot of disgusting things together.

This person and I are...