Things to Do Before You're 30

WHISTLE BLOWS

KIDS SHOUT

This film contains strong language.

Sorry, mate. I'm sorry. Hey, sexy.

Oh, well played.

Ah, yes. You got a ciggie?

-No, I quit.

-Oh, great(!)

That's the end of your sex life.

You will let us all know when yours starts.

-I hope this lot have done their homework.

-You'll get it in the pub.

-Kate?

-Yeah?

You mind taking Joe across the rub-a for me?

Come on, you. You can buy me a pint.

-You get taller every week.

-I'm hardly going to shrink, am I?

Oh, I don't know, Adam. How do you let a diamond girl like that slip through your fingers, eh?

She fell in love with my best mate.

MEN CHEER

We won!

-Jammy sod!

-You're just pissed off because you're leading scorer again.

-Your second goal was a complete fluke.

-"You must learn to trust the force, young Skywalker!"

Right, guys. Anyone still not given me their list? Cass?

Oh, I gave it to Kate last night.

ALL: Hey! Ooh!

Children, children!

-You finished?

-Hm.

Now, that's not even trying.

-What?

-Things to do before you're 30, and you can only come up with three?

-Well, I didn't know it was a competition!

-Aaah!

Aw! Oh!

I've got one for your list.

Get yourself down the gym before you're 30...stone!

THEY LAUGH

When do I get chance to go to the gym, eh?

Wha-hey!

Careful, I've pulled my groin!

What, in here?!

Fuck off!

THEY LAUGH AND SING

Hi.

Can I be of assistance?

I'm looking for Colin.

Oh!

-Oh, here you are!

-Jesus!

What are you doing here?

I wanted to meet your mates.

I'm Vicky.

ALL: Hi, Vicky!

SHE LAUGHS

Why don't... Why don't you wait for us in the pub over the road?

-Oh, are you going to be much longer?

-I'm getting longer by the second!

Ten minutes, tops.

Right.

-See you then!

-Oh, right. See you guys!

-ALL: Bye, Vicky!

-Nice!

"Win the lottery and go to the cup final."

That's original - "Fire a gun and spend a night in a police cell."

It makes mine sound really boring.

-I don't believe that for a second.

-Has everyone done one of these?

Yep, we're an unofficial focus group for Kate's magazine.

"Write off a car, have sex in a car, have a threesome..."

How adolescent is that?

That's my list. Are you saying I'm adolescent?

If it's your list.

I do adult things as well.

-Same again?

-Ignore him.

I mean, "Have a threesome."

How pathetic is that as a life goal?

Well...

It's on this one too.

In fact, it's on all of them.

You put in on your list?

Dream on, Colin mate!

THEY LAUGH

Well, hang on a minute. Most of you lot must be over 30.

Only just.

Well, how many of you have had a threesome?

Dad?

-What?

-What's a threesome?

I'll tell you when you're older.

Hey, Dylan!

I bet this is yours.

"Find your soul mate."

THEY LAUGH

-It's supposed to be anonymous.

-"Start a family."

THEY LAUGH

-Tell him, Kate.

-Adam, stop reading Dylan's list.

-I didn't say it was my list.

-Bloody hell.

"Have a homosexual experience."

-That ain't mine.

-It's not mine!

Gavin, didn't you do your list on lined paper?

I didn't mean me.

I meant if you were, like, gay, then you know,

it'd be a good thing to, you know, have done it by the time you're 30.

I didn't mean me.

You said we didn't have to have done them, right?

Absolutely.

THEY LAUGH

I had a homosexual experience last night...

..watching lesbian porno.

THEY LAUGH

Hang on, guys. Hang on. Listen!

Someone's put, "Give up Sunday football."

-Whose list's that?

-This is a joke, right?

No-one really wants to give up.

Who we got next week?

-Hospital porters, away.

-Cool.

So you will be there then?

All new nurses on the touchline. What do you reckon?

See you next week. Bring your trainers!

-Bye!

-See you next week.

Bring your trainers!

It really bugs you that someone wants to quit, doesn't it?

Well, we're just about scraping the team together now, you know?

-I might have a new player for you.

-Yeah?

In about 20 years.

Wh... You're pregnant?

-How long?

-Three months.

I think "congratulations" is the word you're looking for.

Huh? Yes, sorry, no... It's just a bit of a surprise, that's all.

Yeah, no-one was more surprised than me...

-..apart from him.

-So when were you going to tell me?

Tell you what?

-Oh, yeah, the, er...

-Baby!

-About the baby.

-Yeah. We should celebrate.

Sure, um...come over later.

Nice one.

ENGINE REVS

I'm... I'm not insecure.

Then why didn't you want me to meet your mates?

Well...

How you and I could ever have a threesome, when you don't even like me talking to other guys...

Other GUYS?

Aha!

I see so all a threesome means to you is, one guy and two girls, right?

Um...

So it's all about what YOU want?

No... No, no, look I'm really interested in what you want too.

Look, it's about us exploring the boundaries, not just of our sexuality,

but...broadening our horizons...together.

Yeah, right(!) Well, if you really want to expand your horizons,

then you might consider that there's more to life than Sunday football!

What?!

Well, you can't play football forever!

-Hi! Ah!

-Hello, babe.

Aw!

This is Colin. I've told you about him.

Colin, this is Sheera.

Sheera?

Hello, Colin. I've heard a lot about you.

Don't go getting any ideas, you. He's mine!

THEY GIGGLE

Well, a lesbian is a lady who likes other ladies.

-So, Dad...

-Mm-hm.

Is mummy a lesbian?

-No.

-But she has friends who are ladies.

It's a bit more complicated than that.

Why don't you tell me when I'm older?

Dad!

Dad, what the fuck are you doing here?

-I made it over the wall. Come, get me inside quick.

-Mr Robson?

-Yeah.

-Your dad's been discharged.

-He can hardly fucking walk!

-The consultant wouldn't let him out if he wasn't well enough.

-Right(!) Not like they need the beds!

You two mind not going about me like I ain't here!

-It was my call, all right.

-Why?

Mr Whatever-his-name-is says that if I take it easy, and look after my blood pressure,

I should live to at least next Thursday.

Could you make it Wednesday? I was going to let your room to some asylum seekers.

Well, as long as they're not from Scotland.

Did you win today?

Didn't play. I've jacked it in. We all have.

Course you have(!)

Is this for real?

Oh, I go into hospital for a couple of poxy months and you lot jack it in!

Has Cass quit, eh?

-Adam ain't quit, 'as he?

-They've all packed it in.

I don't believe it.

DOG BARKS

HORN SOUNDS

SHE LAUGHS

I was just...

So. How did they take it?

Oh, they were gutted.

But I was very clear.

I said, "My playing days are over, and I've hung up my gloves."

Oh, thank you.

TV: 'Quick ball, looking through for...

'..onto his right foot!'

Yes!

Go on, you beauty! Have some of that!

-A-a-a-ah!

-'..has done it.'

Dinner'll be about an hour, madam.

'And look at this ball from Cole, but then look at this.'

-You OK?

-'How did he get it in?'

Why didn't you tell the guys about the baby today?

It never came up.

Never came up?

But I thought we'd agreed we'd start telling people.

I just couldn't find the right moment.

-Next time.

-Well, only if you want to.

I mean, you do want to, don't you?

Course I do, but I won't need to now. Adam knows.

A month ago, you wanted to tell everyone, including the milkman.

Well, he had a right to know.

BUZZER RINGS

Da-da!

HE LAUGHS

Not interrupting anything, am I?

Chance'd be a fine thing.

And that's his little tummy.

He's got your nose.

THEY LAUGH

-That's his foot.

-Oh...

Wow... This is just amazing, man.

Just think,

in a few years, this'll be asking you if he can stay up till midnight,

dropping out of Oxford to join a rock band!

Ha! It's hard to imagine, eh?

This.

Actually, er...this is a bit of a double celebration.

I was going to save it till next week as a surprise, but I've got to tell someone.

Next week is our 500th match!

-You're kidding!

-No, I double-checked all the stats.

Ha ha, yeah!

-Does the Don know?

-No, no, no, no, no. He's going to be chuffed.

You are pathetic.

-What?

-This is something to be excited about, is it?

-Yeah, it's important.

-Why?

-"Why?"

-Yeah, why is this important?

Why?

Adam?

CORK POPS

-Oh!

-Cheers, mate(!)

Right. Um...it's a sense of history.

-That's right, that's it. It's our history.

-History.

Yes, that's right. Us two, Billy, Colin, Dylan, Johnny.

-All part of the first team the Don picked.

-20 years ago.

And all playing in the 500th game.

Come on, Kate. This is one special Sunday.

-You're too right it is.

-There you go.

We're gonna meet our midwife.

On a Sunday?

Well, you think that the city of London will grind to a halt

if you take time off in the week.

Yes. Well, obviously I can make it in the week, if it's important.

-Well, that's settled, then. We having this toast or not?

-Sure.

To the 500th game!

Er...and the baby.

DOOR RATTLES

Morning!

You are never going to believe this, right.

I mean, I can hardly believe it myself.

-Vicks has got...

-Colin.

-This is my practice time...

-Yeah, but...

-..every morning.

-But you've really got...

-Shh!

HE PLAYS A NOTE

You know, you were the only person I was going to tell.

But if you're not interested, that's fine.

-Colin!

-No, no, no, honestly. No. All right.

Tell me what?

-I'm on for a threesome.

-Yeah, right(!)

At least, I think I am.

Vicks's just got this friend, Sheera... Oh!

-Alan Shearer?

-No, no!

Right, only met her yesterday but her, me and Vicks, I dunno, we just sort of clicked.

Just hold on.

Now I find it disturbing enough when Vicky stays over.

This is my house.

Well, it's your dad's house actually, but...

-Yeah, whatever, but I don't want it full of students having orgies.

-Absolutely.

-You know I like my...

-Yeah, your privacy, your sense of routine.

I'm totally in agreement, which is why if we do it, OK,

I'll give you plenty of notice, so that you can be...out.

Hm.

Speaking of which...

Just...

Just don't tell on us till after, all right?

Yeah.

Sorry...

Colin!

Leave.

All right, Dad.

Who the fuck are you?

Very nice to meet you too.

Stay on your feet, you slag!

Oh, even you can tackle better than that! Go on, Mark!

-Get up!

-TV: 'A real chance here.'

Oh, for fuck's sake! Just...

Oi!

You've been told not to get too excited.

You want to get rid of HER, then.

Did the hospital send you?

No, love. I'm a stripogram(!)

-Keep the duck.

-Yeah.

-Keep the lamb.

-Sure.

Give us a minute.

Coffee?

How's the house?

Fine.

The world of music treating you well?

-I've been offered a few gigs round Europe.

-Oh!

Today Norway, tomorrow the world.

Look, I didn't come here to talk about me.

Oh?

A friend of mine, Johnny Robson,

had an interview last week for a sous chef position.

Is that why you're here - to find out if he's got the job?

Well, yeah.

You're an errand boy for your mates now?

This was a mistake.

Hey.

Johnny - is he a good friend?

I'm here, aren't I?

Well, here's the thing. He cooked a great trial meal. It's a toss up between him and somebody else.

-And?

-Is he reliable?

He's been my best friend for nearly 20 years.

Yes, but is he reliable?

DYLAN SIGHS

OK, OK, I'll talk to the chef...

..but what about you?

We're looking for good waiters.

I'm not a waiter.

Well, your gigs can't bring in much. You won't do session work, you won't teach....

Mr Hurst? Telephone.

Thank you.

Oh, Claire, let me introduce you to Dylan, my son.

Hello.

All right?

-Dylan is thinking of joining your excellent team of waiters.

-Great.

-There you are.

-Thanks.

Are you sure we're not too early?

Three o'clock.

No, I meant...

to come in here. These women are enormous.

You do realise that I'm going to be enormous soon?

Yeah, but you'll be sexy enormous...

won't you?

Maybe, but maybe I won't be beautiful or sexy or desirable again.

Hey, this ain't like you.

No, it isn't, that's the point. I'm not like me and I'm never going to be like me again.

-You're going to be fine.

-Yes, but I am worried.

Of course you're worried. You're going to have a baby.

WE. WE'RE going to have a baby.

-Has that sunk in?

-Course it has.

-Good, because I need you to do this with me, OK?

-OK.

And I need to know that all the things you said two months ago are still true.

You said that this was what you'd always dreamt of.

-It was.

-Was?!

Is! Stop confusing me. I'm here, ain't I?

Listen, I know it's hard to take in sometimes, but this is really happening.

You are going to be a father.

What?

Do you mean this is MY baby?!

I hate you so much sometimes.

-I hate you too.

-Stop it.

-What's that?

-What?

Kate Taylor?

That's me.

We spoke on the phone. Charlotte West, your midwife.

-Hello.

-And you are?

The proud father.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

All right, geezer. Thanks for ringing back. I...

Er... Yeah, er...

Adam, Adam, yeah, I need to speak to you about Sunday.

Really?

500?

Careful, Joe. You'll get bubbles in his eyes.

It's a special occasion.

Yeah, of course it is(!) It's a football match.

It's a milestone! Look, I'll play this one last game and then that is it.

No, I said be careful, Joe.

You know what would make me really happy?

As it's my last game, why don't you come and watch, like you used to?

I'd rather watch paint dry!

Which is probably what I'll be doing.

Why can't you forget the house for one sodding day?

It's not just the house. It's our home, and it's falling apart!

SHE SIGHS

Am I being unreasonable?

Well, it's only one more game.

TO TUNE OF "LA DONNA E MOBILE" # Greenwich Athletico

# Greenwich Athletico... #

See you managed to have your homosexual experience.

I've hurt my toe, all right?

God, the things you poofs get up to!

THEY CHEER LOUDLY

500 up, eh?

-STEREO PLAYS "THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN"

-All right, man?

Aa-a-a-ah! Aha!

THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

You do know you'll never have sex again, don't you?

Cheers for speaking to your dad, man.

I start tomorrow.

Cool!

It's a shame your dad's not here.

I mean if it wasn't for him, none of us would be here, would we?

-Yeah, I'm going to take one of these shirts to the hospital after.

-Nice one!

No.

He's out the hospital, he's back home.

-Fantastic!

-Oh, how's he doing?

-Why didn't you say?

Is he coming later?

He's still not well. He needs peace and quiet.

Here, mate, whatever's best for the Don.

ALL: Shee-ra!

ALL: Shee-ra!

ALL: Shee-ra!

THEY LAUGH

Thanks(!)

-Only a month to go now.

-Till what?

Until his birthday! If he's going to have a three-way before he's 30!

ALL: Shee-ra! Shee-ra! Shee-ra!

ALL: Shee-ra!

Sorry, it was manic last night at the hospital.

Well, you can't play with six players.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

If you knew how much fucking hassle it was for me to get here today...

-What hassle?

-Hassle right, just hassle, just so some four-eyed queer can tell us to go home.

No-one's forcing you to turn up.

-Maybe I won't any more.

-You don't mean that.

-I was thinking of calling it a day.

Yeah, perhaps it's time, eh?

-Who died?

-This lot are talking about stopping.

Oh, I knew it!

-The truth is, I can't take any more ear-bashing from Rosie.

-Look!

I can't afford any more injuries. Could hardly play a note last week.

-Like Johnny says, what's the point of all this hassle?

-What fucking hassle?

All you lot have got to do is turn up and play.

I gotta do the admin, the laundry, the fixtures,

and anyway what's the point of anything anyway, huh?

What makes you happy?

Yeah, well, we can't play football forever.

-Why not?

-Well...

Yeah, why not actually?

Look, the way I see it,

we've got to at least play the 500 before we make any rash decisions.

But next week's game's miles away.

We can make a big thing of it, go away together the night before.

We can go in your car.

-Oh, wait a minute!

-Have a few laughs.

Like the old days.

Yeah, nice one. How about it?

Who's going to organise it?

ALL: A-a-a-ah!

Oi! All right, you bastards. You've got a cheek!

Table 24.

14, 19 and 17 all in.

-Just think about it.

-He's not fit enough yet. Service!

Look, he wouldn't have to stay long. He could just watch the first half.

Doctor's orders.

-Claire, I've got to go out for an hour.

-Fine.

How's it going?

-Is she treating you all right?

-No complaints.

Listen, do you fancy coming over to lunch on Sunday?

I play football on Sundays, remember?

Right. Well, I'd just like to have a natter sometime soon. It'd be good to catch up.

Mind your backs, coming through!

We're going to offer you a pay rise.

They'd have to break the bank to keep me here much longer.

So where do you play?

What? Oh, left wing back.

No, I meant...

I hear your proper job is making music.

Starters for table 22, two scallops.

Yeah, gig most weekends - pubs, clubs, you know...

Still waiting for the big break.

You got a gig this weekend?

No, I'm going away.

Dylan! 22, now!

She's way out of your league.

I dunno what you're talking about.

Playing the weekend after. That would be...

if you'd like to...

-I'll try.

-Cool!

Are you sure your friends are already inside?

-Yes.

-And Sheera's definitely with them?

I've told you twice.

-Danny!

-Hey, angel tits!

Oh, sorry, Colin. This is Danny.

-Danny?

-From the squat.

Oh, that Danny.

It's, er...one in, one out.

-You'll be here all night, you know.

-Bummer! What you up to now then?

I dunno - home, a few tinnies.

-There's this cool documentary on about Dadaism.

-Oh, yeah!

Do you mind if we go back?

-What about Sheera?

-She's with mates.

Come on. It's about time you saw my place.

HE SIGHS

-Great.

-OK.

Be careful. The floor's a bit...

Ah, fuck!

SHE LAUGHS

I'll get the lights.

Jesus.

I'll get some beers.

REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS

Do you like my picture?

Yeah, cool.

Is...

TV: '..by acting as a metaphorical skin.'

This place is just a...

It's brilliant, isn't it?

'The spectator experiences the tensions between the representing marks

'and the containment of the image within them, as the woman appears to experience

'the tensions between the parts of her body and its containment within its skin.

'In the first place, as we approach the picture, the factitiousness

'or man-made and artificial character are the depicting signs.

'It becomes more insistent. What is more...'

CANDLE CLATTERS

'..the picture even makes the spectator aware of its factitiousness at a distance,

'particularly once he has seen the blue spot under the woman's breast,

'around which the space of a picture holds together...'

I used... Yeah.

'It becomes impossible to make it disappear

'or to lose sight of its...'

COLIN SIGHS

'..visual force.'

Must be... Must be difficult to heat.

Impossible!

But we don't mind, you know.

I mean, I think it's good to experience extremes,

like true discomfort, like cold or hunger, you know.

Yeah.

Vicky, how can you live here?

You should have seen the last place.

There must be some alternative.

Yeah, right(!) On a student loan?

SANDER BUZZES

Billy!

Billy!

BUZZING STOPS

Cup of tea?

Oh! Oh, ta!

-Don't you want any breakfast?

-Nah!

-Breakfast is for wimps.

-Ah, you're doing a great job.

Mm! Well, like you said, it's time we made this place a home.

-I think you've earned a reward.

-Ooh!

-Mmm!

-Hey! Later!

THEY LAUGH

Listen, I'll ask Helen to come over tonight and look after the kids,

because I have booked us a romantic weekend break by the seaside.

THEY LAUGH

Just you and me and as much candyfloss as we can eat.

The thing is...

Billy, if a sentence with the word football passes your lips now, you are a dead man.

It's just... You remember we didn't actually play last Sunday?

-You said I could play the 500th game.

-Joe.

Why don't I go tidy my room?

-I don't believe I was stupid enough to think you did this work cos you wanted to.

-I did!

-No, you were storing up Brownie points.

-I am getting the work done.

This is NOT about the fucking work. It's about us, our marriage, about us never spending time together.

You do remember our plan to do up our dream home together?

Well, I'm sorry that I'm at the bank all day.

-And I'm here wondering why you don't want to spend the weekend with me.

-You don't understand!

I want to, Billy.

-Perhaps if you came with me, you might understand why it's important to me.

-Right!

Meeting a bunch of boozed-up, selfish, adolescent yobs will make everything fall into place.

They are not b...

Rosie!

I'm leaving!

For the weekend.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Wait there!

Stay there. I'll be down in a minute.

-Who's that, lad?

-It's my lift.

Picked a bad time to start smoking again, mate.

-There's a good time?

-I meant what with Kate being...

I know what you meant.

-Now, you've got my mobile number. Any problems, and I mean ANY, day or night, you call me.

-OK.

Not you. I...

-I just wanted to say hi to the Don.

-I told you. He's not ready for visitors.

I'm going to say hello, not ask him to dance.

All right, boss.

Dylan!

You're looking...great.

Yeah, and you're a fucking liar!

This is Fiona...

giving me a hand job.

Oh!

Hello? Anyone home?

-Hey, boss!

-Ah! Skipper!

Great to see you, man.

-You going fishing too?

-You what?

Gotta find something to do now we don't play footy any more.

Right.

Come on, we've gotta go.

Guess it had to come to an end one day.

Guys!

See you soon, boss.

Tell the others I'd love to see 'em.

He looked fine to me.

Give Johnny a break! He's only looking out for the Don.

He's not the Don any more, he's just my dad.

MY dad. I've no bloody intention of watching him collapse on the touchline again.

-I promised I'd keep it going, and you say we jacked it in.

-What's the fucking difference? Be true soon.

Come on, guys.

The old days, remember?

I mean, are we going to have the best time ever, or what?

Oh!

Keys, keys, keys, keys.

-Hello.

-Hello, sir. How can I help you?

Athletico Greenwich.

-What time's kick-off tomorrow?

-1:30.

-Yeah, but we're still an hour from the ground.

-Are you sure we stayed here before?

-Yep.

Why?

-On the other hand...

-Oh, my God!

Do you know who that is? Fuck!

Who's go is it?

R'N'B MUSIC PLAYS

WOMEN LAUGH AND CHAT

-Wha-hey! Yeah!

-Nice.

Wow!

Shame on you! You're a happily married man.

You reckon?

Hi.

Hi.

-Is it winner stays on?

-No, we're playing Killer.

AS SEAN CONNERY: Of course you are.

I knew it. You're Lorraine Day.

That's right.

-That's Gina Moncur.

-Hiya.

And you're...?

-Tina Mellor.

-Guilty.

Fuck, man, we never miss you on Eurosport.

-What?

-They're professional beach volleyball players.

Billy's married.

Shame.

-Ooh!

-Yeah!

-Go on...

-O-o-o-h...

THEY SHOUT

Um...Like A Virgin.

No, no. Wasn't that her first album? No, it...

O-o-oh!

The first album was just called Madonna, yeah?

Yeah.

Sleep tight. See you tomorrow.

-Girlfriend?

-Dad.

THEY LAUGH

Stop it!

-Well, here's to your 500th match. Cheers!

-ALL: Cheers!

Yay!

You don't know how lucky you are.

Well, you've got your soul mate.

A lovely, sophisticated, mature woman.

Hang on! Rewind!

Rosie and me was married when we was 19.

And you're still together.

Married, kids...

You know what you're doing with your life.

You're like...swans.

Don't! I'm pissed already.

God, how can you guys get so wankered when you've got a game tomorrow?

THEY LAUGH

We're not playing till the afternoon.

THEY LAUGH

Anyway, we're not serious athletes like you.

-Yeah, you must have a very strict training regime.

-Very.

Good diet. Plenty of sleep.

Are there guidelines about sex before a tournament?

No, no, no, no, I'm serious.

Does it affect your performance?

Bad sex does.

What about you?

Well, I find that so long as I keep myself in trim, watch my diet,

I always manage to peak just right.

All right!

THEY LAUGH

It is really special though, being mates for so long.

And you guys, you just seem so different.

Yeah.

Yeah, if it wasn't for the football...

What's up?

Well, tomorrow might be our last game.

You can still see each other, you know?

Yeah... Weddings, funerals.

Cheer up, yeah.

A guy like you...

must have loads of mates.

Oh, yeah, I've got loads of mates.

Different to these guys, though.

What, are all the others black?

All the others are gay.

Ah!

Sorry. I thought you'd sussed me.

What? No. Why do you say that?

Well, women usually catch on pretty quick.

Oh. Yeah, well, not this time, obviously.

Oh, my God!

These lot don't know...

do they?

Bloody 'ell!

-So, you can tell a virtual stranger, but you...

-Sometimes it's easier.

I'm not some sad closet case.

If I tell this lot now, it's like I've been lying to them all these years.

You should tell them,

-before, you know...

-What, before I'm 30? Too late.

Before they find out.

Otherwise they WILL think you've been lying to them all these years.

Like you didn't trust them.

Yeah.

It's tough though,

finding just the right moment.

Oh, God!

-Ah!

-Ah!

-Ah! Ah!

-Ah, ah...!

-What the fuck is that?

-Like, whoa! What's that?

-Ah, ah!

-Ah!

-Shh, shh!

-Ah! Oh, God!

-Sounds like someone's in trouble.

-Ah! Ah! Ah!

-Damsel in distress.

-Ah! Ah!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, yeah!

-Ah! Ah! Ah!

-Ssh, ssh.

-Agh!

-Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

That's my car.

Oh, yeah!

-Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Ah! Uh! Uh!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

You bastard.

SHE PANTS

Do you mind?

-Come on.

-Sorry, darling. I've already peaked.

Take a seat.

Is something wrong? Have you found something on the scan...?

The baby's fine.

Oh, good.

Any reason Cass isn't with you today?

He's got an important football match.

Right.

What's the matter?

Come on, it's freezing!

WHISTLE GURGLES

Shit! It took me three sodding hours to get here this morning.

We've gotta do it. Play the 500th next week, yeah?

Adam?

-You know who we're playing next week?

-Who are we playing?

-Farmyard FC, away.

-Oh, my God!

ROCK BAND PLAYS

I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you.

Vicky had to move at short notice. I didn't...

MAN RETCHES

Hiya.

Look, it won't be forever.

I made it clear, you absolutely must have your privacy.

Do you know if there's any more vodka?

All right...

MUSIC STOPS

-Oi!

-What?

-I wonder how much this is worth.

Hi, babe!

Fuck's sake, Vicky, I said YOU could stay.

It's just a few college friends.

Get out now!

Hey, sorry man. We were just chilling, you know.

Well, chill somewhere else.

(Pretentious wankers.)

-Oh, hi!

-What happened

-to the music?

Oh, thank you.

Just get out.

Can't I stay?

Um...

No, no, I think you'd better go.

-Bye.

-Bye.

HE SIGHS

-Thanks a lot(!)

-Well, you should have asked.

You didn't have to humiliate me like that.

Agh! Kate!

What are you doing?

Start talking.

About what?

You know about what.

Who told you?

-She did!

-What?

Look...

I was drunk.

Tell me, did you really fancy her or was it just something to put on your list?

Things to do before your 30 - utterly humiliate your girlfriend.

-Humiliate?

-Yes, it's humiliating to find out that you asked our midwife for her number, her home number.

How could you?

You know, it was embarrassing for her too. Why the fuck did you do it?

See, the thing is,

all the guys were chatting to the girls who come to support the hospital team,

and Charlotte was there, so I talked to her. About you, mostly.

And then, then the alcohol kicked in and I lost the plot.

I mean, even if she'd given me her stupid number, I never would have called...

Look, I just can't handle stress like this.

You know, more importantly, nor can our baby.

I swear, I'd rather go through this on my own,

have the baby on my own, than go through another day like today.

Have you got that?

-Cass!

-I promise.

I promise from this day on

that I'll never hurt you again.

I'm sorry.

So, I'm pretentious, am I?

I didn't mean you. >

-You're such a hypocrite!

-Vicky!

At least I know what I want out of life.

Well, so do I.

Oh, yeah? >

Well, what's that then? >

Well, um, um...

Oh, yeah, yeah! >

I almost forgot your greatest ambition.

Well, you fucked that one up tonight.

How?

Sheera thinks you're gorgeous. >

If you hadn't been so fucking rude and sent her home... >

Yes?

Maybe the three of us could have had some fun. >

Oh!

Well, we can invite her round again.

Oh, yeah(!) I know, let's consult our diaries and find a window.

You can't plan these things. They just happen and you blew it.

I would be surprised if Sheera wanted to speak to you now, let alone fuck you.

I didn't mean to throw HER out,

just the others.

Danny, you mean.

Listen, if you can't accept the fact that some of my friends

have got penises, then this is never going to work.

That's me done. Fancy a pint?

Gotta get home and check on the old man.

Look, mate,

I'm sorry I've been giving you a hard time about your dad.

I'm really wound up at the moment. Colin's driving me up the wall.

So kick him out. It's not like you pay rent or anything. Daddy looks after you.

Oh, right!

You didn't mind me asking him to help you out though.

-Don't know why I bothered.

-I do.

You were looking out for my old man, because you don't think I can.

Well, here's the thing, Dylan. The Don is not and never will be your dad.

I saw the look in his eyes when he saw me and Adam.

You don't honestly think he believes we're not playing?

-And what if he doesn't?

-The team's his whole life!

Was! And all I'm trying to do is make sure he's got some fucking life left!

Are you all right?

Yeah.

Chefs, eh? Temperamental bastards.

Unlike musicians, of course(!)

Are you still playing on Saturday?

-Are you going to come?

-Yep!

Great!

You'd better be good.

Shit!

Fuck!

You scared the life out of me.

-Thought I'd give you a progress report before I go.

-OK.

Well, firstly it's a shame you don't play football any more.

And this has got what to do with my dad's health?

It's a medically proven fact that smiling's good for you, and laughter generally therapeutic.

So I'll get the hospital to replace me with a stand-up comedian.

Good, because I'm finding it difficult to be around here.

Hold up, you can't just walk away from him!

He needs you!

What he needs is to feel useful, and for you to stop lying to him.

ENGINE REVS

Don't you judge me!

You weren't there when he collapsed, when he was really bad.

No, I wasn't and maybe this is none of my business.

I've done my best by him!

THEY PLAY JAZZ

God, how long does it take to get a couple of drinks in this place?

You mean, how long does it take to get the new barman's phone number?

You didn't!

Taking a risk playing so close to home, aren't you?

Maybe I want to get caught.

-WHISPERS:

-Hemale.

You are such a slut!

TRADITIONAL FRENCH MELODY PLAYS

-Well?

-What?

You said you wanted to talk.

-Yeah, it's about Cass.

-Uh-huh.

Has he talked to you about the baby? You know, how he feels about it?

Not really.

Isn't that odd, you being his best friend?

I dunno. He's thrilled, I know he is.

Yeah, he WAS thrilled when we first found out.

Over the past few weeks, he just seems...

-I don't know, less and less involved.

-Right.

And he's behaving like a complete tart.

Really?

Well, come on, he's already admitted it. We've talked about it, sort of.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I told him he was completely out of order.

Thanks.

Look, I can guarantee this is the only time he has ever done anything like this.

I mean, her of all people.

I think it was just they were drunk.

She was teasing him. She was a challenge, you know. She'd been on television.

-Television?

-Mm.

Who are you talking about?

Tina Mellor, the girl he shagged. She was a beach volleyball play...

Who were you talking about?

The midwife.

-Oi!

-What?

Watch what you're doing.

Apologise to the lady.

Sorry, Jess.

So were you going to tell me about this Tina?

No, of course not. It's just another secret between the lads.

Can we get out of here?

We're just off for a game of beach volleyball.

I'm sleeping at Adam's tonight.

Don't come near me.

AS HIS FATHER: All that education, all that tuition and you're a busker!

You see the thing is with Dad, unless you're the very best at something, there's no point.

That's why he hates footy.

He was always crap at it. It's about the only thing I'm better at than him.

I'm sure that's not true.

Sorry?

Give yourself a break.

You're young, talented, funny...

Carry on, carry on.

SHE LAUGHS

I haven't known you very long,

but to me you're...

already a special guy...

You too.

Girl. I mean...woman.

I'm glad you think so...

..because I'm going to be your stepmother.

Yeah(!)

I'm sorry.

I know this must be a bit of a shock.

You could say that.

Why, um...didn't you tell me before?

Why didn't HE tell me?

We have been trying. We've just never found the right moment.

-Oh, and this is the right moment, is it?!

-Oh, Dylan, don't be angry.

-Well, of course I'm fucking angry!

-It's so important to your dad you're OK about this.

Don't tell me, don't tell me. He wants me to be his best man.

-Dylan!

-Yeah, and you want me there on your special day.

Well, I'm sorry. As usual, HE's the best man.

He's always the best fucking man.

Well, you'll have to enjoy your special day without me.

Dylan!

# They were asking if you were around

# How you was Where you could be found

# Told them you were living downtown

# Driving all the old men crazy

# The boys are back in town

# The boys are back in town

# I said, the boys are back in to-o-o-own

# The boys are back in town

# The boys are back in town

# The boys are back in town... #

Dad, are you playing your 500th game again?

-Yep.

-Joe.

I must have the tidiest bedroom in England.

-You can't have the car today.

-Well, it's Farmyard FC, it's miles away.

-I'm having it fumigated.

-What?

Your son found it! "What's this, Mum?"

"Oh, that's a used condom, son."

-It wasn't me!

-Oh!

-You don't think that I did...?

I didn't think for a minute that it was yours!

-That you'd have the bloody imagination or energy to cheat on me.

-Hang on, sorry...

-Are you having a go at me, cos I HAVEN'T been cheating on you?

-That was in our car!

The car our children travel in. Does that mean nothing to you?

Oh, Rosie!

Bugger!

Oh, BUGGER!

Looking for something?

Have you hidden them?

Hidden what?

You know what.

Football boots?

I thought they needed a bit of a clean.

Try looking under your bed.

Who are you playing today?

-Farmyard FC.

-Shit!

Bad enough having to look after a cripple all the week,

without having him spoil your Sunday.

Is that what it is, eh?

I didn't intend ending up like this.

-I'm sorry.

-You've got nothing to be sorry about, you hear me?

I'm a coward, Dad.

Scared of being on my own.

I don't think I'm ready for that.

Remember this?

Course I bloody do.

What do you remember?

The South London Cup. We won 3-1, Cass scored two. I got the other one...

..on my left foot,

30 yards, top corner.

Best goal I ever scored.

Best day of my life.

-You didn't want to play that day.

-Bollocks!

You said...

"It's not right to enjoy myself only two months after my mum's died."

Two months.

Christ, you're right.

And I told you what she would have told you.

"If you can't have fun having fun..."

"Then you'd better enjoy being miserable."

Hm.

She did come out with some crap, didn't she?

Well...

I'll be gone,

sometime or other.

Might as well enjoy what there is, while I'm here to enjoy it.

So, um...don't be scared...

cos I ain't.

What have you got to be scared about?

Having the shit kicked out of you by Farmyard FC?

You're going down!

ALL: Hey!

You going to use the changing room?

Yeah, right(!)

-Oi! Come on!

-We'll make the second half.

-You're all still playing?

-Yeah.

Adam, Cass, Dylan?

Colin, Billy - all the originals.

-And guess what.

-What?

This is our 500th match.

No fucking shit!

HE WHOOPS LIKE A MONKEY

If we have to cancel, this lot will kick the shit out of us.

Dylan.

Hi.

So that's five of us.

So, you had your threesome yet?

You can't just plan these things, Toby. They just happen, you know.

-Or not, in your case.

-Yeah, well at least I didn't try and snog my mother.

-Ulgh!

-Ah!

-Ooh!

Ha ha ha! Got ya!

Refs a no-show, so I'm in charge.

Anyone got a problem with that?

-Not me.

-No, no, I'm sure you'll be fair.

Go ahead.

Oh! Here comes the cavalry.

He hasn't got his kit.

I don't think he's here to play football.

-Jesus, what happened to your eye?

-Never mind that! What happened to you and my girlfriend?

-It wasn't what you thought.

-Too fucking right!

-I thought you were my friend. You never gave up on her, did you?

-What?

-Waiting for me to fuck up!

-Calm down, guys.

-Calm down? This bastard slept with Kate last night.

-Let me explain.

-Nothing to explain.

-I took her off you. You could never cope with that.

-It wasn't like that.

-Really? So, why did you tell her about the volleyball girl?

-Volleyball girl?

I didn't mean to. It only came up because she was upset you and the fucking midwife.

-Midwife? Bloody hell.

-Anyone else we should know about, so we don't drop you in it?

It this a "midwife crisis"?

She kissed me last night because she was upset with you!

-Well, you looked like you were enjoying it enough!

-I wasn't! I don't...

Why can't you open your fucking eyes, Cass?

He's a queer.

Hey, watch what you're saying!

No, he's right!

I'm queer, Cass.

You're...

I mean...

Yeah, but you and Kate...

I thought you were...

Well, that's great!

I think.

ENGINE GROWLS

Hey!

"THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN" PLAYS FROM STEREO

I'm sorry I'm late!

Don't bother. We don't play with queers.

Well, who are you calling queer? You're all a bunch of queers!

BILLY LAUGHS

# Guess who just got back today?

# Them wild-eyed boys that had been away

# Haven't changed Haven't much to say

# But man, I still think them cats are crazy... #

Fucking car!

Be lucky to make the final whistle at this rate.

Doesn't matter.

There'll be other games.

The lads are still playing.

Right.

Away we go!

WOMAN SINGS GENTLE JAZZ MELODY

Kate!

Kate!

You're back early.

Didn't play.

How long have you known that Adam's gay?

He told you?

About bloody time.

He told me, because I accused him of sleeping with you last night.

-Yeah, well, now you know he didn't.

-Where are you going?

Manchester for a while.

So that's it, is it?

What about your job, and us?

After three years, you can't just run back to your family.

You stupid fucking bastard!

You're my family. This is my family!

-Calm down! Think about the...

-The baby!

You're telling ME to think about the baby?

I told you that nothing, nothing else mattered to me more than this baby.

-I love you.

-Yeah, I fucking love you too, but that's not enough, is it?

I'll get the rest of my things when I've found somewhere to stay.

Bye.

DOOR SLAMS

Mummy said people who get into fights are emotionally constipated.

Well, Mummy's right.

Mummies are always right. That's part of their job description.

-Billy, it's Adam.

-Oh! I've told him, I don't wanna play any more.

I think you should talk to him.

CHURCH BELL RINGS

At least I might get a word in edgeways now.

Most of you know that the Don wasn't my real father.

He adopted me when he married my lovely mum.

I was five years old.

From that day, he just kinda took my hand and never let go.

Dad was a man of few words.

I mean, he never stopped talking, but he used very few words.

I won't repeat his favourites as there's ladies present.

And...he'd get angry.

All of you who played football with him know how angry he could get,

not if we lost, but if we didn't play as a team,

for each other.

These past few months, I've let him down.

I was only thinking of myself.

I didn't want to be hurt so I hurt him instead.

He never hurt anybody.

He said life was too short for falling out with folk.

So he lived his whole life for me...

..for his friends...

..for his wife...

for his lads.

Coach, Dad,

my best friend,

thank you for holding my hand.

Wherever you are,

I'm still holding yours.

GENTLE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

PEOPLE CHAT

-Remember?

-Mm.

-Last year?

-Mm-hm.

Oh, cheers, Colin.

-Not the best way to spend your birthday, eh, mate?

-Shh!

Everyone's forgotten about it right, so, just...

I've been worried about you, man.

You've been worrying about me?

-Don't suppose you're going back to work, then?

-No chance.

Known him for...

He certainly had a big fan club.

Yeah.

Well, under all that tough macho effing and blinding there was one fucking big-hearted bastard.

Yeah.

You sure you were adopted?

Shame we never got to play the 500th.

Doesn't seem much point now.

-Where is she, mate?

-She came back to pay her respects, OK?

She was fond of Don.

Right.

She's gotta talk to me at some point though, don't she?

I've been ringing her for days. She won't take my calls.

Do you blame her?

I thought maybe you'd have a word.

What, now you know it's safe?

Did you really never guess?

Hey, it's the 21st century. I thought you might've told me by now.

I mean, you told me you were black.

I know. I know.

It's just the longer I didn't tell you, the harder it got, you know?

-Anyway, I thought you'd work it out for yourself.

-How?

Come on! Wasn't it weird I hadn't had a girlfriend since Kate?

I just thought you'd never got over her.

What, so you thought I was just some sad bastard?

Yeah.

Right. Well, let me tell you, I have had my moments.

Yeah, I'll bet.

That's the best thing about being gay, right? Loads of nookie!

-Yeah, loads of nookie.

-What about lurve?

-Not really.

-What, ever?

-Long time ago.

-What happened?

Nothing happened.

Got over it.

She's gone back to your place to pick up some stuff

and then she's going straight back to Manchester, OK.

I love you, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah(!)

Kate.

Are you coming in or what?

I thought you had things to say to me.

Adam called you?

What do you think?

DOORBELL RINGS

-Are you all right, babe?

-Yeah.

Be nice to Danny. It's his birthday too.

Yes!

Come on!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Huh?

-I'll get you a drink!

-OK.

# Yeah yeah yeah

# Yeah yeah yeah... #

-Hey, birthday boy!

-Don't remind me!

Chill, man. You're only young once, you know.

# Yeah yeah yeah

# Yeah yeah yeah... #

Come and have a dance, yeah?

-Hey!

-Hey!

Happy birthday!

# Yeah yeah yeah... #

Do you remember when I came to the hospital with you,

and you said you were worried and I was joking around?

I so wanted to say that I was worried too - scared.

You're supposed to be scared.

If you weren't, you wouldn't be any good at it.

So you reckon I might be good at it, then?

-You should have told me.

-What was I supposed to say?

I was having second thoughts about the baby. That would've just upset you.

Oh, so you decided to not upset me by shagging someone else!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What else can I say?

I've just been bottling everything up, feeling confused, feeling sorry for myself.

She was there, I was there. I was weak. It was sordid and meaningless

and I've never regretted anything so much.

-Only because you got found out.

-No, no,

because of what it did to you, because I hurt you,

and I hate anybody who hurts you and because...

and because I had everything that I ever wanted and now...

now I have nothing.

Yeah, you're right.