Bull Durham

This programme contains strong language

'I believe in the Church of Baseball.

'I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones.

'I've worshipped Buddah, Allah, Bramah, trees, mushrooms and Isadora Duncan.

'I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a rosary and 108 stitches in a baseball.

'When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance.

'But it didn't work out. The Lord laid too much guilt on me.

'There's no guilt in baseball, AND it's never boring, which makes it like sex.

'There's never been a ball player slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career.

'Makin' love is like hittin' a baseball - you just gotta relax and concentrate.

'I'd never sleep with a player hittin' under .250.

'You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys.

'Sometimes when I get a guy alone

'I'll just read to him.

'The guys are so sweet, they always listen.

'Of course, a guy will listen to anything...

'if he thinks it's foreplay!

'I make them feel confident. and they make me feel safe.

'What I give THEM lasts a lifetime, what they give ME lasts 142 games.

'Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball.

'It's a long season and you gotta trust it.

'I've tried 'em all, and the only church that truly feeds the soul is the Church of Baseball.'

RECORD PLAYS: "Rock Around The Clock"

# Put your gladrags on, join me, hon We'll have some fun When the clock strikes one

# We're gonna rock around the clock tonight Gonna rock, gonna rock... #

He's a helluva guy!

Where's Ebby?

-Ain't he warming up?

-No. His professional debut and he forgets!

-Better find him.

-Seen Ebby?

Nope.

Ebby!

Jeez. Game starts in four minutes, why ain't you warm?

I am warm!

It's your professional debut. Guys would give their left nut for that!

And you're with some piece of ass!

Skip, it is ME. I am NOT, quote, "some piece of ass", unquote.

Oh. Millie. Geez. Sorry. Didn't recognise you.

Don't take this personal, but if I catch you here again, you're banned.

You can't ban ME, 'cos my daddy donated the scoreboard. Ban me, and he'll take it away.

We don't need a scoreboard, we ain't scored any runs all year. Get out there!

-Boss, I got a question.

-What?

Think I need a nickname?

-All the great ones have nicknames. What was the one you said?

-Pokey!

-What do you think of Pokey?

-You got three minutes!

-Time for another quickie!

-You gotta get on the pitch!

-We got three minutes!

INSTRUMENTAL: "Rock Around The Clock"

ANNOUNCER: The Clown Prince of Baseball!

And now, the greatest show on dirt, your own DURHAM BULLS! APPLAUSE

I'm there. I'm ready.

RADIO: 'The voice of The Durham Bulls, Teddy Garland.'

The Bulls lost their first 3 games,

but hope to win with the debut of Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.

-Stay out of the clubhouse. You'll get everybody in trouble.

-I got lured.

Women do NOT get lured. They are too strong. Say, "I accept full responsibility for my actions."

-I accept full responsibility for my actions.

-Better!

-Got your radar ready?

-Ready.

-Go.

Lead-off hitter is Willie Foster.

The young pitcher sometimes has problems with his control.

Damn!

One ball, no strike.

No problem! Go get him - 1, 2, 3!

-95 miles an hour.

-That's great. He looks just great.

For the Peninsula Whitesox, Alan Holly.

-What's it say?

-He's not bending his back on his follow-through.

Scotty.

Take this to Ebby Calvin.

Let's get down to it. How WAS Ebby Calvin LaLoosh?

Well, like he pitches, all over the place.

# 1, 2, 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock rock

# 5, 6, 7 o'clock, 8 o'clock rock 9, 10, 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock rock

# We're gonna rock around the clock tonight! #

My!

-He walked eighteen.

-A new league record.

-Struck out eighteen.

-ANOTHER new league record.

AND he hit the sports writers, the announcer, the bull mascot TWICE - also new league records!

But, Joe, this guy's got some serious shit.

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

-Serious shit.

Who are you? Who's he?

-The player to be named later.

-Crash Davis.

I'm Joe Riggins.

You, Larry Hockett, SHOULD know me.

You were pitchin' for El Paso, I was hitting for Shreveport.

You hung a curved ball on an oh-two pitch in a three-two game, and I tattooed it over the Michelin sign.

I remember! How you doin', man?

I'm too old for this shit. Why the hell am I back in A-ball?

'Cos of Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.

-Big club's got 100 grand in him.

-He's got a million-dollar arm, but a five-cent head!

Last 5 pitches he threw were faster than the first five. The best I've seen in 30 years.

You've been around, you're smart. We want you to mature the kid.

We want you to room with him, stay on his case. He can go all the way.

-Yeah? Where can

-I

-go (?)

You'll get paid to do it.

-Beats working at Sears.

-< Sears sucks!

I once worked there. Nasty work. Nasty.

-Even if it is the Carolina League, you can play every day.

-You want a stable pony.

-No!

-You want me to hold the flavour of the month's hand.

Fuck this fucking game.

I fucking quit.

I quit!

Who are we playing tomorrow?

Winston Salem. Batting practice 11.30.

How does it feel to get your first professional win?

It feels out there. It's a major rush.

I mean, it doesn't just feel out there, it feels OUT there.

-Kind of radical, you know.

-He's hopeless! Utterly fucking hopeless.

Hey, I'm Millie.

-Tony. I play second base.

-I know!

-How do you just keep coming back every year?

-I love the game, Annie. I love it.

-We didn't order these.

-He did.

-Who?

-The guy in the booth.

-Who's that?

-That's Crash Davis. Hey, Crash, come here!

-He's kinda cute.

-He's played at more ball parks than I have.

He's different. I saw him read a book without pictures once!

-Hi, Max.

-How you doin', Crash?

Come over and sit down.

-I'm Crash.

-Annie Savoy. Wanna dance?

-I don't dance.

-How embarrassing.

What is THAT?!

-Who's he dancing with?

-All of 'em!

-Annie Savoy?

-Uh-huh.

-Thanks for your note.

-Gotta lot of arm there!

Thanks. Uh...Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.

-You need a nickname, honey.

-I've been telling everybody that! Wanna dance?

-Yeah.

-She's dancing with me.

-'Fraid not.

You boys gonna fight over me?

-Nah.

-Let's go. Step outside and party, man.

Oh, guys!

-Oh, Max, let's dance.

-Sure!

You comin' or not, homeboy?

Let's go, man! We're waitin'!

-Let's go, homeboy!

-There he is!

-I don't believe in fighting...

-LAUGHTER

That's really sweet(!)

MAKES CHICKEN NOISES

Take the first shot at me.

No way. I don't hit no man first.

All right, then.

Hit me in the chest with that.

-I'd kill you.

-You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a fucking boat.

Owwww!

Throw it.

Right in the chest.

-No way.

-You're not gonna hit me 'cos you're starting to think...

about how embarrassing it would be to miss in front of all these people.

Come on! Show us that million-dollar arm.

-I got a good idea about that 5-cent head of yours.

-Come on!

Fuck!

Ball four.

Who the fuck are you, man?

Good punch.

I'm Crash Davis, your new catcher. Lesson number one - don't think.

It can only hurt the ball club.

Come in. I'll buy you a drink.

My new catcher.

# 'Cos you know you're my kind

# And I want for you to be mine... #

-We fight, she gets the clown. How does that happen?

-I like this song.

You stopped fighting?

Pals now? That's good.

I love this macho male bonding.

I think it's sweet. I do.

Even if it IS latent homosexuality, who cares, right?

OK. Shall we go to MY place?

-Which one of us?

-Well, BOTH of you!

These are the ground rules.

I hook up with one guy a season. It's kinda my own spring training.

And you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far.

-So I thought we should get to know each other.

-Time out. Why do you get to choose?

-What?

-Why do you get to choose? Why don't we get to choose?

Nobody on this planet actually really chooses each other.

Physics and laws we don't understand bring us together and tear us apart. It's like pheromones.

3 ants together can't do dick, but 300 million can build a cathedral!

So, who goes to bed...?

You're a nuclear meltdown. Cool off.

Where are you goin'?

After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out.

And I don't believe in physics when it comes to matters of the heart.

-What DO you believe in, then?

-Well, I believe in the soul...

the cock, the pussy, the hanging curve ball, high fibre, good scotch...

that Susan Sontag novels are crap,

I believe they should outlaw astroturf and the designated hitter,

I believe in soft-core pornography,

opening presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and long, slow, deep, wet kisses.

Goodnight.

Oh, my! Crash...

Hey, Annie...

Crash!

Wait!

-All I want is a date...

-I'm not interested in a woman who's interested in that boy.

-I'm not interested yet.

-Boy?!

-See ya!

-Nobody's ever said "no" to a date with me.

-He's crazy.

I want you bad.

RECORD PLAYS: "La Vie En Rose"

Slow down!

I wanna watch!

Go ahead. Put it back on.

Geez! What kinda chick are you?

-When you know how to make love, you'll know how to pitch.

-I know how to pitch.

Good.

Now, take it off...slowly.

That's nice!

Oh, my! What a nice back.

Honey...s-sweetheart...try...

-Try taking off your shoes and socks first.

-My socks? It's cold in here.

-What?

-You think Dwight Gooden leaves HIS socks on?

Ebby, honey...

ever been tied up in bed?

Whoo-hoo! Bring it on, baby!

-I heard about shit like this.

-Ever heard about Walt Whitman?

-Who's he play for?

-He pitches for the Cosmic All-Stars.

-Never heard of him.

-Listen to this...

"I sing the body electric. The armies of those I love engirth me and I engirth them.

"They will not let me off till I go with them and respond to them.

"But the expression of a well-made man appears not only in his face, it is in his limbs and joints also.

-"It is..."

-Excuse me. Are we gonna fuck or what?

"It is curiously in the joints of his hips...and wrists.

"Love-flesh swelling and deliciously aching, limpid jets of love, hot and enormous."

Guys, your attention for a minute.

Daily chapel service in the locker rooms at 3pm.

Y'all invited to worship.

Loosen up and get laid!

I know you all think I'm pretty square, but...uh... I believe what I believe.

WOLF WHISTLES

-Jesus, Ebby! You look like a truck ran over you.

-Nuke.

-Call me Nuke. Annie says it's my new nickname.

-OK, Nuke. Go get 'em!

Annie nailed ya? Great. Means you're gonna have a great year.

Is she...uh... as good as they say?

We didn't do anything. She read poetry to me all night.

It's more tiring.

"Limpid jets of love."

-Hey, Crash, does that mean what I THINK it means?

-Your shower shoes have fungus on them.

You'll never make it to the bigs like that!

Think classy, you'll BE classy.

Win 20 in the show, and the press will think you're colourful.

Until you win 20 in the show, however, it means you're a slob.

ANNOUNCER: Saturday is Bull Day.

Too bad, Butch. Too bad.

You're not gettin' that cheese by ME!

And now, batting for the Bulls, number eight, Crash Davis!

MUTTERS TO HIMSELF

Why does he start me off with a hammer?

'You're thinkin' too much, Crash. Get out of your head.'

Come on, just relax, you got it.

'Here we go. Stay back. Relax.'

Foul ball! >

Throw that shit again...

You got it, you got it, baby! One more!

'All right. He's gonna throw the deuce now. Stay back and wipe that silly grin off his face.

'Come on, bring it.'

-What was that? What the hell was THAT?

-Son-of-a-bitch throws hard.

Take it easy, honey.

'All right. One and two. Forget this shit. Relax. Annie.

'Annie? Who's this Annie?

'Jesus! Get the broad out of your head!'

Time out!

Rag.

Get a hit, Crash.

Shut up.

All right, you've seen all his pitches, you've seen 'em all.

'Just shorten up, Crash. Bring me the gas, kid.'

Bring me the gas.

Three! >

Scotty. Baby, take this to Crash.

For Crash.

-Crash.

-What?

-Don't ask me.

Read it.

"Dear Crash, you have a lovely swing but you're pulling your hips out too early.

"I'd be happy to meet you to discuss it. Annie."

Annie knows if you're pulling your hips out too early!

It's kind of a personal note, kid, so don't read it. There you go.

What's it say?

It says, "I want to make love to you. Crash."

Oh, my!

-See my hips?

-Yep!

I think Susan Sontag is brilliant.

So, is this gonna happen? Us?

I'm committed to Nuke for the season.

Oh.

You had your chance.

What do you see in him?

He's a young, wild... dim pretty-boy.

Young men are uncomplicated.

And he's not dim he's just...inexperienced.

It's my job to give him life wisdom and help him.

-That's funny. That's MY job too.

-Damn!

-You're pulling your hips.

-I know, I know. But they're NICE hips.

-I looked up your records.

-What?

-You hit 227 home runs in the minors.

-Don't tell anybody.

Why not? 20 more and you'll be the all-time minor league champ.

-247 home runs in the minor leagues would be a kinda dubious honour.

-It would be great.

-The Sporting News should know.

-No. Please.

OK.

Last chance. Your place or mine?

I am, within the framework of the baseball season, monogamous.

-Gimme a break!

-It's true.

Stop it!

The fact is, you're afraid of meeting a guy like me 'cos it might be real.

You ruin it with some bullshit about commitment to a boy you can boss around.

-Nice.

-I know women like you.

You're a regular patron saint. Stray cats, lost causes... or 6ft 3inch homeless studs(!)

You DO make speeches(!)

ANNIE MOANS IN PLEASURE

Ohhhh, my!

Crash, that was fabulous.

Crash?

You mean Nuke. You said Crash.

No, honey, no I didn't. I said Nuke.

-You said CRASH.

-No, I didn't.

You shouldn't listen to what a woman says when she's in the throes of passion.

-Yeah. You said Crash.

-Would you rather I was making love to HIM using YOUR name,

or making love to YOU using HIS?

Yeah. Maybe you're right.

Welcome to the Tobacco Growers City Council Little League Cash Drop Day.

These young fellas, young men, I should say...

Hi, eighteen. Hi, twelve.

Hi, Dino.

Hey, Millie.

-Hey, I'm Millie.

-I'm married.

What IS that?

-Chicken bone cross. Takes the curse off the bat.

-Are you a goddamn witch?

Yes.

A switch-hitting witch.

-Will that work for me?

-If you believe in voodoo.

I'm zero for 16. I can't remember the last time I had a base hit.

-Let me have that.

-That's not belief. That's desperation.

Jose, just touch my bat once.

-I won't bother you again. Just touch the bat once.

-HELICOPTER WHIRRS

Five! Four! Three!

Two!

One! Go!

One thousand big ones!

Time out.

Stay there. Gimme the ball.

Hey...

relax!

Don't try to strike everybody out.

Strike outs are boring. And fascist.

Throw some ground balls. More democratic.

What's this guy know anyway?

If he's so hot, how come Annie wants ME instead of HIM?

Another thing, you don't know shit.

You wanna make it, listen to me.

Annie only wants you so she can boss you around.

Let's have fun! This game's fun! OK? Fun!

And don't hold the ball so hard. It's an egg. Hold it like an egg.

-What does HE know about fun? I'm young.

-I

-know about fun. He's an old man.

Why's he calling for a curve ball?

I wanna bring heat. Shake him off. Throw what you wanna.

Time out. Hey! Why are you shakin' me off? Huh?

-I wanna bring the heater.

-What?

-Announce my presence with authority.

-This guy's a first ball fast ball hitter. He's looking for heat!

-He ain't seen MY heat!

All right, meat.

Why does he call me "meat"? I'M the guy driving the Porsche.

Fast ball.

Slow down, slow down, boy.

Home run for The Generals!

What are you doing?

I gave you a gift. Run, dummy!

Ball.

He hit the shit outta that one!

-Held it like an egg.

-Yeah. And he scrambled it!

-You having fun yet?

-I'm having a blast(!)

-Good.

-He teed off like he knew I was gonna throw a fast ball.

-He DID know.

-How?

I told him.

Come on, come on, you got him!

Don't think, just throw. Don't think, just throw.

Beautiful! What did I do?

Hang on. Here we go again.

The first home run of the year for Crash Davis.

Fayetteville 14, Durham 2.

Helluva shot.

Sorry it got wasted.

I dunno what to do with these guys.

I beg, I plead... I try to be a nice guy.

-I'm a nice...

-Scare 'em.

-Huh?

They're kids. Scare 'em.

That's what I'D do.

Yeah.

EVERYBODY INTO THE SHOWER! IF YOU AIN'T IN IT IN 10 SECONDS, YOU GET FINED 100! LARRY!

LARRY COUNTS THE SECONDS Get in there!

You guys... You lolly-gag the ball around the in-field(!)

You lolly-gag into the dug-out.

Know what that makes you? Lolly-gaggers!

-What's our record, Larry?

-8 and 16.

-How did we ever win 8?

-It's a miracle.

-It's a miracle.

This...is a simple game.

You throw the ball,

you hit the ball... you catch the ball.

YOU GOT IT?

We have got a 12-day road trip,

starting tomorrow.

We leave at 6 in the morning.

CURSES AS HE GOES

Skipper, you wanted to see me?

Yeah, Bobby. Shut the door.

This is the toughest job a manager has.

But we've decided to make a change. We're releasing you from your contract.

I'm in a slump, but I hit the ball hard today.

I'm right back in the groove.

Sorry.

Hey.

Nuke!

Honey!

Wear these when you're pitchin'.

-What are they?

-Garters. They'll hug your waist and dangle off your thighs.

And they'll remind you of me. Nicer than those nasty hitters!

-Jesus, Annie, I don't know!

-They'll help you pitch.

-Big league pitchers don't use these.

-They did in the Carolina League.

-< Nuke!

-Time to go to work.

-'Bye.

'Bye, y'all!

'Bye! Go get 'em, boys!

-#

-She may get woolly

-#

-Young girls they do get woolly

-#

-'Cos of all the stress

-#

-Ye-a-ah!

-#

-When they get woolly

-#

-Try a little... tenderness...yeah!

-#

Stop it.

-What?

-It's not "woolly". Nobody gets woolly.

Women get weary, not woolly.

I hate people that get the words wrong!

How come you don't like me?

You don't respect yourself, that's your problem. You don't respect the game. That's MINE.

-You got a gift.

-What?

The Gods turned your right arm into a thunderbolt.

But you're pissing it away.

I'm not! I got a Porsche, a 911 with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt.

You don't need a quadrophonic Blaupunkt! You need a curve ball.

-In the show, everybody can hit a fast ball.

-How would YOU know? Been in the Majors(?)

Yeah. I've been in the Majors.

You've been in the show, man?

Yeah. I was in the show.

I was in the show for 21 days once.

The greatest days of my life.

You never handle your luggage. Somebody else carries your bags.

You hit white balls for practice.

The ball parks are like cathedrals.

The hotels all have room service.

The women all have long legs and brains.

-Really hot, huh?

-And so are the pitchers.

They throw ungodly breaking stuff in the show. Exploding sliders...

Nuke could be one of those guys. But you don't give a damn, meat.

I'm tired of you calling me meat.

-You wanna step outside?

-Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Crash, Crash, what's happening?

-I was just gonna ask Crash to show me how to throw a breaking ball.

-Good idea.

The Durham pitchers are unable to get the first out of the innings.

'The Bulls attempt to end a losing streak...'

Base hit to centre field off LaLoosh.

That closes the book on LaLoosh.

'Five hits, five strike outs and five wild pitches!

'This is the most wretched road trip I've seen in 20 years,

'the worst Durham team in 50.'

Only Crash Davis stands out this year.

'What are these boys thinking about? It sure ain't baseball.'

Hey, Mr Hormone, check out this.

Ice-skaters! Look at 'em!

One night with these skaters > and we can get back on track!

We need a night off. What we need is a rain-out.

-I can get us a rain-out.

-There ain't been a cloud in weeks.

-100 says I can get us a rain-out.

You're on!

I ain't paying for this! Crash?

Shut up. You'll wake everybody up. Let the baby pay for it.

Hey, Crash, what are you doing?

Oh, my goodness!

We got ourselves a natural disaster!

# Last night

# I got loaded

# On a bottle of gin On a bottle of gin

# Last night

# I got loaded

# On a bottle of gin A bottle of gin

# But I feel all right

# I feel all right!

# I feel all right! I feel all right!

# Feel all right! #

# She may be weary

# Women do get weary

# Wearing the same old shabby dress

# And when she's weary

# Tr-y-y-y-y a little tenderness. #

Hey.

-Hey. Wake up.

-Huh?

You're awake. You're OK.

You were dreaming.

You're OK?

I was playing naked.

-What?

-I was naked.

Playing naked.

I know. I have that dream all the time.

We're almost home.

Hi!

# I've been made blue

# I've been lied to

# When will I be loved? #

I'm tired!

What a trip. I was lousy. I mean, I was WORSE than lousy.

Every time I pitched it was like throwing gasoline on a fire.

Peow! Peow! Peow! Peow!

-I mean, I...I...

-What's all this "I, I, I" stuff? What about ME?

Glad to see me? Don't I look nice?

You look great. I'm sorry.

-I'm exhausted.

-Good. Exhaustion can be spiritually fabulous.

-What you need is a good game of catch.

-Catch?

-Mm-hh.

Fire one in here!

-This is ridiculous!

-Give it a try! Lean in.

Thank you.

Now...

-Breathe through your eyelids.

-My eyelids?

-Like a lava lizard.

It has an eye round the back.

Ever notice how Fernando Valenzuela doesn't look when he pitches?

He's a Mayan Indian. Or an Aztec. I get 'em confused.

-So do I.

-Be aware of the sharpa connection between your feet and your testicles.

-Sharpa?

-Yeah.

Right leg, left testicle. Left leg,

-right testicle.

-I like that!

-I bet!

-Come on.

-Fire one in there! Come on!

-You're patronising me.

-If I throw too hard I'm gonna hurt the girl.

This girl has handled pitchers with better records than 1 and 7.

1 and 6. Gimme the ball!

-How d'you like THAT?

-Much better.

You weren't thinking about it 'cos you were pissed off at ME!

-Get your butt up here. Bend over...

-I give up!

Let's make love and fall asleep until it's time to go to the ball park.

If we could take that sexual energy and hold on to it for a few hours...

and re-channel it into your pitchin'...

You're a powerful young thing.

-Want something for that shoulder?

-Yeah. I want that shit that don't smell bad.

That's hot. No, I mean it, that's very hot.

Annie says they'll keep one side of my brain occupied,

-thus keeping my brain slightly off centre, where it should be for artists and pitchers.

-OK.

She also said...I should throw whatever pitches you call for.

Annie's a very smart lady.

What?

The rose goes in the front.

This underwear feels sexy.

It don't make me queer, right?

Right.

Breaking ball.

All right!

"I mean, he ain't queer." "No, he ain't."

Fast ball.

-96 miles an hour. Looks good. But why's he twisting up?

-He's using his eye, like Fernando.

Ooh! That was a hum-dinger!

All right.

Fast ball again?

Don't think. Just give 'em the gas.

What's got into Nuke?

He's wearing garters, and he's breathing out of his eyelids, like a lava lizard.

Like the Aztecs. Yeah.

-I was great, huh?

-Your curved ball's hanging.

In the show, they would have ripped you.

-Can't you let me enjoy the moment?

-It's over.

This guy starts me off with a breaking ball...

I'm taking him downtown.

I dare you to throw me the hammer. You ain't that stupid.

Our own Crash Davis! Put your hands together for Crash!

Let's go.

'Come on. Bring me that weak-ass shit.

'Bring it, bring it, bring it.'

Oh, my!

First time the Bulls have been ahead in weeks. Nuke LaLoosh.

-What are YOU doing out here?

-I want you to throw the next one at the mascot.

-Why?

-Just throw it at the bull, all right? Trust me.

He's the boss.

A staggering start by LaLoosh. He's got pinpoint control tonight, Bull fans.

-This guy's crazy.

-Yep.

The next one might be at your head.

I dunno where it's gonna go. I swear.

You're the man!

COMMENTATOR: Two out. One away from a stunning two-hit shut-out for LaLoosh.

Don't let up.

You own these guys.

Damn. They'd love a shut-out.

No, no.

No, no. He's looking for heat. Let me give him the deuce.

He's shakin' off the signs. Big mistake.

This son-of-a-bitch is throwing a two-hit shut-out. He's shakin' me off. Can you believe that shit?

Charlie, here comes the deuce. When you speak of me, speak well.

Ball.

-You told him I was gonna throw a deuce, right?

-Yep.

I mean, that ball got outta here in a hurry.

Anything that travels THAT far ought to have a stewardess on it.

'When Nuke started listening to Crash, everything fell into place. We started to win.

'But Nuke was still confused.

'Encouraged by his victory, he vowed not to have sex until he lost. He kept winning!

'The Durham Bulls began playing baseball with joy and verve... and poetry.

'The two sides of my own brain were jumbled up. One side was being neglected,

'but the other side was in paradise watching our Bulls play like big leaguers.

'Crash, who kept hittin' dingers, was approaching the minor league record, though I told nobody.

'The Bulls swept the July 4th double-hitter and tied for first.

'Beautiful as it was,

'I was getting damned lonely. I needed a man.'

Ye-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-h!

I LOVE winning, man! I LOVE winning.

Hear what I'm saying? It's like, better than losing(!)

Teach me something new. I need to learn.

-It's time to work on your interviews.

-My interviews?

You're gonna have to learn your cliches. Study them, know them. They're your friends.

Write this down. "We gotta play 'em one day at a time."

-Pretty boring, isn't it?

-'Course it's boring. Write it down.

"..one day at a time."

"I'm just happy to be here. Hope I can help the ball club."

I know! Write it down.

"I just wanna give it my best shot

"and, the good Lord willing, things will work out."

"..the good Lord willing..."

"..things will work out." Yep.

How's Annie?

She's getting pretty steamed 'cos I'm still re-channeling my sexual energy.

-I'm just gonna sleep with her, calm her down.

-Are you out of your mind?

-Well...

-Are you out of your mind? If you give in now, you might start losing.

Never fuck with a winning streak.

Hey, Jimmy!

Wanna ride?

-Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your saviour?

-No.

-Can I give you my testimony?

-You can do anything you want!

Hop in.

I am so proud of you guys.

-You want some more soup, honey?

-No, thanks. That was great.

How about a little...back rub?

I...I'm OK. I'll just take a little nap.

-Want me to tuck you in?

-You can't seduce me.

I'm not gonna try to seduce you.

-What's that?

-That's my leg.

-I know.

As we aren't gonna make love, we could improve your hand-eye co-ordination.

-Co-ordination?

-Unsnap my stocking.

The other day, Crash called a woman's p...

pussy...uhm... You know how the hair is kinda in a V shape?

-Yes, I do.

-Well, he called it The Bermuda Triangle.

-He said a man can get lost in there.

-Nasty.

He didn't mean it nasty.

He said that getting lost was sometimes a good thing to do, especially like that.

But he also said that there are times for discipline.

-And I think this is one of them.

-Crash is a very smart man.

Now, let's give it a try.

Watch.

Now, YOU try. Go ahead.

Yup.

-You're playing with my mind.

-Your BODY.

-You're trying to seduce me.

-Of course I am! Aren't I pretty?

-God, I think you're real cute.

-Cute? Baby ducks are cute. I hate cute!

I wanna be exotic and mysterious.

You are! You're exotic, mysterious, cute... I'd better leave.

-There's no relationship between sex and baseball. Ask Crash.

-I did.

-And what did he say? That if I give in, I'll start losing again.

-He did?

-Yeah.

I'll be back when we lose.

How DARE you tell him to stay out of my bed!

Knock, knock! "Come in"(!)

-You're confusing him!

-What?

-You're CONFUSING him.

-You got him breathing out of the wrong eyelid!

-It's a religious ritual.

-AND it happens to be working!

-Who dresses you?

-What?

-Don't you think that's a little excessive?

-"The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." William Blake.

-William Blake?!

-William Blake!

-What do you mean?

-William Blake!

Who are you? I mean, do you have a job?

I teach part-time at college. English 101 and Composition.

Having a conversation with you is like a Martian talking to a fungo.

Just 'cos you're clever sometimes does not mean you're not full of shit.

-I'm full of shit?

-Yes.

-ME?

-YOU!

-Nuke's chastity was YOUR idea.

-But...

-I never told him to stay out of your bed.

-You did!

-I didn't!

I told him that if you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid

or because you're not, or because you wear women's underwear, then you are!

Think of something clever to say.

Something full of magic... religion bullshit.

Come on, dazzle me.

I want you.

What?

-I said, I want you.

-Stop it.

You're scared.

Maybe I am.

I still think you should leave.

OK. Well...

This is the damnedest season I'VE ever seen! The Bulls can't lose and I can't get laid!

Damn!

Super Nuke! Super Nuke! LaLoosh! LaLoosh!

Relax. Don't aim the ball.

Anything bothering Nuke? He says his...uh... shockers are jammed.

He's having trouble breathing out of his...left eyelid? Right eyelid.

Damn!

-What's wrong?

-I'm a little nervous. My old man's here.

-Your dad? Where?

-Over there. Don't look!

He's waving. It's just your old man!

What's going on? Wrong eyelid(?)

Hear about Jimmy and Millie? They got engaged!

-Wait till I tell him she's gone down on half the Carolina League!

-DON'T!

Excuse me, guys...

Don't throw me anything. My girlfriend put a curse on my glove.

-I'll take the hex off it.

-You got to cut the head off a live rooster.

-What's going on out there?

-Looks like a convention.

Get your ass out there and check it out.

What the hell's going on out here?

Nuke's scared 'cos his eyelids have jammed and his old man's here,

we need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove

and nobody knows what to get Millie and Jimmy as a wedding present. Right?

OK. Well, uh...

Candlesticks make a nice gift and, uh, maybe a place setting.

OK. Let's get to it!

BULLS' GAME ON RADIO

'The ball hits deep...'

-You should be at the game, Annie.

-I'm fine.

Millie, how much time did you and Jimmy spend together before he proposed?

About five hours, I guess.

We both just knew.

Annie...do you think I deserve to wear white?

Honey, we ALL deserve to wear white.

Shit!

C'mon!

-Safe!

-NO! I GOT HIM!

-You missed him.

-I DIDN'T!

-Don't bump me! Don't bump me!

He still ain't touched the plate!

-It was cock-sucking call!

-You call me a cock-sucker?

THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

-You just spat on me!

-I did NOT spit on you!

-You're in the wrong business!

-Want me to run ya? I'll run ya!

-Want me to call you a cock-sucker?

-Try it!

-Beg me!

-Call me a cock-sucker and you're outta here!

-You're a cock-sucker!

-OUT!

He called me a cock-sucker!

'I've never seen Crash so angry. He used a certain word that's a no-no with umpires.'

-He must have called him a cock-sucker.

-He's so romantic!

'When Crash got thrown out, the game got out of hand.

'Jose made 3 errors with his cursed mitt. Nuke never got in the groove.

'The winning streak came to an end with a 3-2 loss.

'The GOOD news was that a man was about to come calling. BAD news was it was the wrong guy.'

RECORD PLAYS: "No Regrets" by Edith Piaf

MUSICAL INTRODUCTION

# Non, rien de rien

# Non, je ne regrette rien... #

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCKING BECOMES LOUDER

Annie!

KNOCKING

Annie!

I know you're in there. I can hear that crazy Mexican singer.

We lost.

It's OK.

-Annie, I'd like you to meet my father.

-Oh, my!

-Ebby's told me a lot about you.

He says you taught him discipline and self-control.

-We're pleased he met a Christian woman.

-Praise the Lord.

-Praise the Lord.

-PHONE RINGS

-Excuse me.

-Excuse me, Dad.

Hello.

What?

-We got a lot of catching up to do.

-Your father...

-Crash told me to quit worrying about him, so...

-We gotta talk.

-PHONE

Hello.

Yes. He most certainly IS here.

Skip.

Hey, Skip, it's me.

What?

My God!

OK.

Yeah.

-What?

-I'm going to the show.

Dad!

They're sending me up to the Majors. I leave tomorrow.

-Let's have a quick word of prayer.

-Let's not.

-I gotta find Crash. Come on.

-Wait.

He'll be right with you.

I want to have you alone so we can say goodbye.

-I'll be back.

-When somebody leaves Durham they don't come back.

-I mean later.

Oh.

Oh, God. Annie.

-What do you have in there?

-Nothin'.

You won't need THESE any more.

-I better take 'em.

-You're ready.

-You think I'm ready for this?

Ebby Calvin Nuke LaLoosh!

Don't think too much.

I won't.

Know somethin', Annie? You can't breathe through your eyelids.

Of course you can't! Who told you such a ridiculous thing?

Come on.

Drive careful!

Oh, my!

Hey, there you are.

Crash.

Hey, Crash, guess what!

Guess what, man!

I'm goin' to the show!

Big club's expanding its roster to finish the season... Nice shot!

-And

-I

-am going to the show!

-So why don't you go?

Well, let's celebrate!

Congratulations.

Hope you end up on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

-I'm trying to thank you. Let's get out of this dump...

-Hey!

-Calling my place a dump?

-No. No, he's not. He's not, are you?

-No.

-He's not.

All right?

Nuke, you know who this is? Sandy Grimes.

-He sit .371 in Louisville in 1965.

-.376.

I'm sorry. .376. That's a career, man.

In ANY league.

Did you hear what I said?

I'm going to the show!

Know what the difference between hitting .250 and .300 is? 25 hits.

25 hits in 500 bats is 50 points. OK?

There are about 25 weeks a season.

If you get one extra flair a week,

you get a groundball, you get a groundball with eyes,

you get a dying quail, just one more dying quail a week... you're in Yankee Stadium.

You still don't know what I'm talking about. Get outta here.

All right.

-I'll send you a postcard(!)

-Hey, I made it!

-You made shit!

Hey!

-You crazy?

-What's wrong with you?

-I'll be all right.

-My mirror!

Shit, I'm sorry. HEY!

-I'm not gonna fight you, man.

-What do you mean, you fuck?

-Why am I a fuck?

-Cos you got talent.

I got brains, but you got talent.

See this right arm? Worth a million bucks a year.

-All my limbs put together aren't worth 7 cents a pound.

-You're a great catcher.

-I am(?)

I'm a great catcher?

Just forget it.

Meat!

Damn!

I didn't mean to hit you, man.

You hurt my eye.

-Sorry.

-Did you hit me with your right hand or your left?

-Did you hit me with your right hand or your left?

-My left.

Good. When you fight, you don't hit with your pitching hand.

I can't keep giving you free lessons, so help me up!

You look great, man.

Careful with that. We got a boy going to the show!

Sorry about last night.

Forget it.

I have been known on occasion to howl at the moon.

You understand?

Uhm...

No.

Well, you will.

Look, Nuke, these big league hitters are gonna light you up

like a pinball machine for a while.

Don't worry about it. Be cocky and arrogant even when you're getting beat.

That's the secret.

You gotta play this game with fear and arrogance.

Fear and ignorance.

No. Fear and ARROGANCE.

-Not ignorance!

-No, I know. I just like seeing you get worked up.

Listen, uh...

..thanks.

Hey, Nuke.

-Good luck.

-You too.

Meat.

I know pronounce you husband and wife. Kiss the bride.

WILD APPLAUSE

Jimmy, we all pitched in and got you a little gift.

A special wedding cake from the Durham Bulls.

Oh, my Lord!

Yeah, Skip? You wanted to see me?

Crash...shut the door.

This is the toughest job a manager has.

But...

..the organisation wants to make a change.

Now that Nuke's gone, they wanna bring up some young catcher.

< Some kid hitting .300 in Bluefield.

I put in a word for you > with the organisation.

Said you'd make a fine > minor league manager.

There might be an opening > at Visalia next year.

You had a helluva year, Crash. >

But you know how it is. >

I got released.

I heard already.

Oh, my...!

I think, probably with my love of four-legged creatures,

in another life I was probably Catherine the Great or Francis of Assisi.

What do you think, honey?

How come in former lifetimes everybody's somebody famous?

I mean...

-..how come nobody ever says they were Joe Schmoe?

-Because it doesn't work that way!

God, you were gorgeous.

You wanna dance?

Yes.

Guess you do!

# Sixty minute man

# Sixty minute ma-a-a-a-an

# Girls, I'm telling you now They call me Lovin' Dan

# I rock 'em, roll 'em all night long

# I'm a sixty minute man

# If you don't believe I'm all I say

# Come up here and take my hand

# When I let you go You'll cry "Oh, yes! He's a sixty minute man!"

# There'll be 15 minutes of kissing

# Then, "Oh, honey, please don't stop"

# There'll be 15 minutes teasing 15 minutes pleasing

# 15 minutes of blowing my top!

# If your old man ain't treating you right Come up and see your Dan

# I rock 'em, roll 'em all night long

# I'm a sixty minute man

# Sixty minute man

# I rock 'em, roll 'em all night long

# I'm a sixty minute man

# Sixty minute man! #

'Crash took off. Heard there might be an opening for a catcher in Ashville.

'A woman should be so strong that she's not affected by such things.

'It wasn't the first time I went to bed with a guy and woke up with a note.

'At least he left me breakfast.

'You have to respect the player who's just trying to finish the season. Or so I told myself.

'Baseball may be a religion full of magic and the riddles of our time,

'but it's also a job.'

'Come on, meat. Give me that weak-ass shit.

'You're not getting that cheese by me. Bring it!'

'When Crash hit his 247th home-run, I knew the moment it happened.

'But I'm sure nobody else did.

'And the Sporting News didn't say anything about it.

'"Full many a flower is born to blush unseen and waste its sweetness on the desert air".

'Thomas Gray.

'Anyway, my attempts at housekeeping were feeble, as usual. I get distracted!

'I stopped worrying about Nuke. I knew nothing would stop him.

'The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness.'

I'm just happy to be here. I hope I can help the ball club.

The good Lord willing, things will work out.

Rahn, right? Beautiful name. Is that Greek?

I dunno. It's a beautiful name, though.

Anyway, a friend of mine said, "This is a simple game.

"You throw the ball, you catch it, you hit it.

"Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains."

What happened?

I quit.

Hit my dinger and I hung 'em up.

I'm quitting too.

I mean boys, not baseball.

There might be an opening for a manager in Visalia next spring.

Think I could make it to the show as a manager?

You'd be great!

You'd be great!

I mean, because you understand about non-linear thinking.

-Baseball SEEMS like a linear game with all those lines...

-Annie.

-But the fact is, it's a spacious kind of...

-Annie.

-What?

I got a lot of time to hear your theories. And I wanna hear every one of them.

But now I'm tired and I don't wanna think about baseball

or quantum physics. I just...

I just wanna be.

I can do that too.

'Walt Whitman once said, "I see great things in baseball.

'"It's our game. The American game.

'"It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us."'

# Come on, honey-baby Take it downtown to the show

# Turn up the heat, you see It's better that you know

# Gotta stop cryin' Figure everything all round

# And nobody understands what I'm talkin' 'bout

# Good love ain't no triple play

# Just me and you all the way. #

Subtitles by Janice Hamilton BBC Scotland, 1992

# Sometimes love can't explain

# Each and every rule of the game

# It still remains a mystery to me

# By any other name

# Why she can't make up her mind

# Why he decides to stay

# Why one surrenders and the other runs away

# But it's too much to understand... #