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(FLY BUZZES) | 0:00:38 | 0:00:41 | |
BOY: (READS) "An allotment is a piece of communal land | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
"divided into individual plots. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
"For a small annual rent, | 0:00:47 | 0:00:49 | |
"it can be used by a person to grow his own food. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:54 | |
"For the British working man, | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
"the allotment has for more than a century provided | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
"a rustic oasis in the industrial desert... | 0:00:59 | 0:01:02 | |
"..or somewhere to escape to. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
"But in the winter, when the ground is hard | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
"and nothing will grow, what can he do? | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
"He has to find some way to keep his passion alive. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:16 | |
"Even at Christmas time." | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS) | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
BOY: "Tomato seeds can be planted as early as Boxing Day | 0:01:29 | 0:01:32 | |
"but must be kept in a place | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
"where they will receive both warmth and attention." | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
WOMAN: Oh, do they have to go on top of the telly, love? | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
Every year it's the same. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:41 | |
Why can't you put 'em upstairs on the windowsill in the spare room... | 0:01:41 | 0:01:45 | |
WOMAN TWO: Didn't you? Didn't you? | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
You got one last year exactly the same. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
(LAUGHTER) | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
(SIGHS HEAVILY) (PARTY BLOWER HONKS) | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
BOY: "Unwanted furniture or bric-a-brac | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
"can be taken from the home | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
"and used for making improvements to the allotment." | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
(DRILL WHIRS) | 0:02:10 | 0:02:11 | |
WOMAN TWO: Eddie, what the hell have you done with my shelf?! | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
If you've taken it to your bloody allotment, I'll kill ya! | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
BOY: "Winter is also a time for reflection, | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
"a time to brush up on gardening knowledge | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
"with the help of a book or a television expert." | 0:02:27 | 0:02:30 | |
It doesn't matter whether it's well-rotted garden compost | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
or farmyard manure... | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
Manure! Funny you should mention manure. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
You've only been talking it for half an hour. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
You think just because you've got a nice woolly sweater | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
and a pair of wellingtons... | 0:02:41 | 0:02:42 | |
(CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES) | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
(SIGHS) | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
BOY: "With the arrival of spring comes relief. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:17 | |
"The British working man can return to his plot, | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
"ready for the hard physical work to begin." | 0:03:19 | 0:03:23 | |
(ALL CHEW NOISILY) | 0:03:23 | 0:03:27 | |
Go on, off you go. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
MAN: Have you got any more Bourbons, Kenny? | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
Oi! Come here. Get off his plot. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
Come here. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
Kung Sang. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:02 | |
It's just your dad she wants to see. I know. Yeah. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
Your date of birth, Mr, um... September 20th, 1970. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:22 | |
Yunfu, People's... No, no, no, that's fine. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:23 | |
I'm sorry, just his birthday. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
I'm so sorry, these notes are in a dreadful mess. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:30 | |
You can definitely speak English? | 0:04:30 | 0:04:32 | |
He can speak English, Cantonese, Mandarin, Russian. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:36 | |
That's fine. And he can speak French. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
He speaks them all. Just not very often. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
Your father's had a very bad experience. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:44 | |
Well, you all have. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
You seem very strong. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:49 | |
Well, someone's got to be. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
Phoenix, I've looked in here, | 0:04:54 | 0:04:55 | |
people have tried all sorts to get through to your dad. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
I think we're running out of ideas. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
Can't you just give him a tablet or something? | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
Make him like he used to be? There is something I can give him. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
But I have to be honest with you, if it doesn't work, | 0:05:09 | 0:05:13 | |
then I think we might have to make some tough decisions. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
You can't go on being the one in charge. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
I can. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:20 | |
WOMAN: OK, this is us. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
Thanks, Dave. OK, Debbie. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:43 | |
All right. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:46 | |
Don't look so worried, Miriam, I think you're gonna like it. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
Father! | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
DEBBIE: Now, take your time, have a good look around. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
Our plots are down the far end. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:55 | |
We've even got our own manure, you'll be pleased to hear. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:59 | |
If you follow me, we'll have a bit of an explore. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
(PHOENIX SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
All right? | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
(PHOENIX SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
DEBBIE: Are you OK there? | 0:06:28 | 0:06:29 | |
So, they're here, then. Morning. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
WOMAN: Hiya! MAN: Hi. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:35 | |
MAN: Invasion's started... | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
..son. What? | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
Yeah. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
This is Ali. He's been on the scheme for over a year now. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:14 | |
Very successfully. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:16 | |
(WOMAN LAUGHS) | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
Cor. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:25 | |
Can we grow okra? If you can make it grow. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:29 | |
It's up to you. Can we grow potatoes? | 0:07:29 | 0:07:32 | |
You know where I am. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
Hello. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:40 | |
Yeah...it's great. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
But...it's forecast to rain later, though. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
DEBBIE: We've got a tool bank, a seed bank, as much advice as you need. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:56 | |
PHOENIX: You said you were going to give him something. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
We are, we're giving him an allotment. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
Listen... | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
..when a man's completely broken... | 0:08:06 | 0:08:07 | |
..you have to put him back together slowly, bit by bit. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
Drugs don't always help. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:15 | |
But being outdoors, growing your own food - | 0:08:16 | 0:08:20 | |
well, like that over there, look - | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
that CAN help. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
All right? (BELL RINGS) | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
Yeah. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:28 | |
My brother-in-law's had his name down for a plot here for years now! | 0:08:31 | 0:08:35 | |
How come these gyppos arrive, you can jump the queue just like this? | 0:08:35 | 0:08:39 | |
This one out there, he's got kids. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:40 | |
It's just basically gonna turn into some kinda kindergarten. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
And, I'll tell you what, some of 'em eat dog. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:45 | |
All right, OK. Shh. Shh. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:48 | |
All right. Shh. Shh. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:50 | |
We are having an influx | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
and there's nothing we can do to stop that, | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
so we have to present a united front. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:02 | |
Good fences make good neighbours. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
John. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:06 | |
This is the original Constitution of the Blacktree Road Allotment, 1921. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:13 | |
Now, if we stick to the letter of the law, as outlined herein, | 0:09:13 | 0:09:18 | |
then our overseas guests won't have any comeback, will they, | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
when we object to their infringement? | 0:09:21 | 0:09:22 | |
WOMAN: Hear, hear. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
Yeah, and we should be welcoming these people. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:26 | |
Exactly. We want to welcome them, but on our terms. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:30 | |
So we know where we stand and they know where they stand. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
The solution is in our hands. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
For instance, it says in here, it says... | 0:09:36 | 0:09:40 | |
(READS) .."All sheds...all the sheds have to be kept in good repair | 0:09:40 | 0:09:45 | |
"and painted regulation red." | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
MAN: I didn't know that. MAN TWO: The same colour? | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
"No alfresco culinary preparation." | 0:09:49 | 0:09:53 | |
WOMAN: What's that, then? No barbecues. All right? | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
It's all in here. "No ball games." | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
All right about that? Great. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:01 | |
"No livestock." What about my bees? | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
Bees? Yep, bees. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
What about my goats? | 0:10:07 | 0:10:08 | |
Ah, well, if we allow your goats, | 0:10:08 | 0:10:10 | |
what are we gonna say to these gyppos when they come along with their dogs? | 0:10:10 | 0:10:13 | |
But Charlie's got a dog. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:15 | |
I'm not talking about bloody Fido here, am I? | 0:10:15 | 0:10:18 | |
I'm talking about dogs for fighting, and cockfighting and bear-baiting. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:23 | |
Figaro. MAN: He's got a point. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:24 | |
Eh? What? | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
His name's Figaro, not Fido. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
If you keep your goats, they'll be able to do what they like. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:35 | |
You see, in the past we've had standards, we've lost them, | 0:10:35 | 0:10:39 | |
we've got to get them back, otherwise we'll be swamped. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:43 | |
(BOTH SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE) | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
Oh, and your tin of paint's here, Kenny, | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
if you want to take it with you. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
All right? | 0:12:25 | 0:12:26 | |
Yeah. Yeah. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
You! | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
No ball games! | 0:12:36 | 0:12:37 | |
Regulation colour, I see. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
It's their place. I'm happy to stick to their rules. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
Every time I pour a cup of tea I forget to drink it until it's cold. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:01 | |
(LAUGHS) Come through. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:02 | |
Would you like a cup of tea? Hello, you. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
Colour is, uh...is very important, yes? | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
Yes. All the sheds have to be painted the same colour. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:18 | |
Mmm. But not just the sheds. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
It's everyone. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:22 | |
You know...when a plant | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
wants to attract a bee, what does it do? | 0:13:26 | 0:13:29 | |
Flowers? | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
Colourful flowers. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
If you want to attract her, you're going to have to flower. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:40 | |
Huh? | 0:13:40 | 0:13:41 | |
MIRIAM: Mind the paint, it's still wet. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
Oh, it's quite cosy. Come in. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:51 | |
I found these two chairs at the end of the road. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
It's good for him here. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:58 | |
At home we grew things. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
His father grew a lot of things, so he feels like his father, I think. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:05 | |
I think he's beginning to accept Desmond is dead. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
(SIGHS) DEBBIE: I'll tell you what I notice. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
When I ask how you are, you tell me how George is. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
Well, I'm good too. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
(CHILDREN SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE) | 0:14:34 | 0:14:35 | |
(CHILDREN SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE) | 0:14:37 | 0:14:41 | |
DEBBIE: Not working too hard, I hope. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
No. We've got big plans, though. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
(SIGHS HEAVILY) | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
(SIGHS) Hmm. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
(PHOENIX SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
WOMAN: Are they brown and crusty? | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
Crusty brown ones? I don't know. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
I haven't looked that closely. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
Ooh! Ooh, can you turn that shirt down a bit? | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
It's so loud it's deafening me. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:53 | |
Take no notice, it's nice. It's got panache, that. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
Do you reckon? Yeah, definitely. Panache. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
Starting to make a bit of an effort? Who's that for, then? | 0:16:58 | 0:17:02 | |
Leave him alone, you might put him off. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
(BOTH LAUGH) | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
By the way, you're working too hard. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
If you cover the ground with this... | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
Come on, I'll show you. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
Here. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:52 | |
Cover the area. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
Then it gets you no sunlight. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
All the weeds and grass, they just die. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
I love this project. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
We were hoping they were gonna put him on tablets. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:29 | |
My mother was on tablets. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
This is better. Pull it tight. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:34 | |
You too, Mr Kung. It's OK. We can manage. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:38 | |
Keep it tight. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:42 | |
Plastic keeps the moisture in, keeps the sunlight out, | 0:18:44 | 0:18:49 | |
then the potatoes grow. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:50 | |
And, as they grow, they break up the soil. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:52 | |
The potatoes dig the soil for you. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
All you do is wait and see. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
You don't have to wait right here. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
It takes some time. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:12 | |
Come to our plot. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:16 | |
I've put mine in already. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
You can see what they look like when they're sprouting. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:23 | |
Thanks, by the way. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
Right. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
Thanks for that, Mike. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:18 | |
Let's pop back to base and get the ball rolling. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
(READS) "To stop overflow when watering plants, | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
"first make a well in the compost with a cane. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:37 | |
"My husband was cultivating melons in his greenhouse. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:45 | |
"They had grown so large we thought the stems might snap. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
"We made a wooden frame and used some of my old bras as cradles. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:52 | |
"The melons sat quite happily and won the prize at our annual village show. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:57 | |
"Anti-ageing formulation leaves your skin with that natural glow." | 0:21:03 | 0:21:08 | |
Natural glow. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:12 | |
(DOG BARKS) Figaro! | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
Figaro! Hey, come here! | 0:21:56 | 0:21:57 | |
Figaro! Figaro, come here, you little tripehound. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:03 | |
He's not disgraced himself, has he? | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
He's not left any messages? | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
Come here. (BREATHES HEAVILY) | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
Excuse me. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
You seem very out of breath. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
Are you on medication? What? | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
Are you on medication? Yeah. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
What are you taking? | 0:22:22 | 0:22:23 | |
Hmm. Here, come. Come on. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:35 | |
Come, come. Come, please. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
Hmm. (TUTS) | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
You take too many pills. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:40 | |
How do you know?! You're not a doctor. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:44 | |
Yes, I am a doctor. And you don't need these pills. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
Well, maybe that's a matter of opinion, eh? | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
Maybe they do things differently where you come from. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
Well, this one here is for, uh...women problems. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:54 | |
(GASPS) You have women problems? | 0:22:54 | 0:22:56 | |
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) (LAUGHS SOFTLY) | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
(LAUGHS LOUDLY) | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
(BOTH LAUGH) | 0:23:12 | 0:23:13 | |
Shut it. What does he know? | 0:23:13 | 0:23:16 | |
Why...why would your doctor say you had women's trouble? | 0:23:19 | 0:23:22 | |
I mean, he must be able to tell you're not a woman. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
I won't go to the doctor, all right? | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
She worries about me, so she goes, tells him the symptoms, | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
and she pretends it's her. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
He gives her the tablets and I take 'em. All right? | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
(KETTLE WHISTLES) (BOTH LAUGH) | 0:23:36 | 0:23:39 | |
KENNY: All right? | 0:24:16 | 0:24:17 | |
Yeah, it's blue. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:31 | |
Do you wanna make something of it? | 0:24:35 | 0:24:36 | |
(MUTTERS) Nobody's bloody business, is my shed. | 0:24:41 | 0:24:44 | |
(THUNDER RUMBLES) | 0:26:31 | 0:26:34 | |
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) | 0:27:30 | 0:27:31 | |
MAN: Yeah, well, actually, that's in the original Constitution of 1921. | 0:28:23 | 0:28:27 | |
Fascinating stuff, eh? Right. OK. | 0:28:27 | 0:28:31 | |
Gosh, this path could do with a bit of a tarmac, couldn't it? | 0:28:31 | 0:28:34 | |
(LAUGHS) This is my plot, here. | 0:28:34 | 0:28:36 | |
It's the most productive on the site. | 0:28:36 | 0:28:38 | |
Hey, come here. You'll like this. | 0:28:38 | 0:28:39 | |
Strawberry cradle. | 0:28:39 | 0:28:42 | |
Easy for watering, stops rodents. | 0:28:42 | 0:28:45 | |
On average I get - what? - double the yield. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:48 | |
Invented it meself. That's excellent, that is. | 0:28:48 | 0:28:51 | |
I'm impressed. | 0:28:51 | 0:28:53 | |
It's gonna be a tough one, this, you know. | 0:28:53 | 0:28:55 | |
A lot of people won't like it. | 0:28:55 | 0:28:56 | |
John, tell me, were you a copper? | 0:28:56 | 0:29:00 | |
35 years. | 0:29:00 | 0:29:02 | |
Yeah, I thought so. | 0:29:02 | 0:29:04 | |
The thing is, John, this is a tough one. | 0:29:07 | 0:29:09 | |
And if it was just me on my lonesome I couldn't do it. | 0:29:09 | 0:29:12 | |
Yeah, but you've got your colleague. | 0:29:12 | 0:29:13 | |
Useless. It's you. | 0:29:15 | 0:29:17 | |
You see, I know you can see this is the right thing for all concerned. | 0:29:17 | 0:29:20 | |
And I think you're the kind of man that does the right thing, hmm? | 0:29:20 | 0:29:24 | |
(PHONE RINGS) Carla Davis speaking. | 0:29:24 | 0:29:25 | |
What do you use that for? Cauliflowers. | 0:29:26 | 0:29:30 | |
Makes 'em grow bigger. | 0:29:30 | 0:29:31 | |
There's a prize for the biggest cauli in the show in September. | 0:29:31 | 0:29:34 | |
He never wins it. It's all boxed off. | 0:29:34 | 0:29:37 | |
The mayor judges the show, | 0:29:37 | 0:29:39 | |
and the mayor, he used to be in the Masons with him. | 0:29:39 | 0:29:42 | |
Now, now, no cynicism. | 0:29:42 | 0:29:44 | |
You all shit in the same clog. | 0:29:44 | 0:29:46 | |
(PHONE BEEPS) | 0:29:46 | 0:29:47 | |
CARLA: Right. He was delightful. | 0:29:50 | 0:29:52 | |
Right. Is this yours? Yep. Here we are, back at my plot. | 0:29:52 | 0:29:55 | |
Council? Council. | 0:29:55 | 0:29:56 | |
CARLA: Half of these are abandoned. | 0:29:56 | 0:29:58 | |
Immigration? | 0:29:58 | 0:30:00 | |
Immigration. | 0:30:00 | 0:30:02 | |
Mike, come on. | 0:30:02 | 0:30:04 | |
Wait there, John. | 0:30:06 | 0:30:07 | |
Straight in, lads. | 0:30:08 | 0:30:10 | |
Ah, we've got some raffle tickets, gents, if you want them. | 0:30:10 | 0:30:14 | |
Two quid a pop, for the lifeboats. See Terry. | 0:30:14 | 0:30:16 | |
Members only, this meeting, all right? Yeah. | 0:30:29 | 0:30:31 | |
Hello. Yeah? | 0:30:31 | 0:30:32 | |
So...we can't come in? | 0:30:33 | 0:30:35 | |
Voting members only, as you know. | 0:30:35 | 0:30:37 | |
We don't want to vote, we only want to know what's going on. | 0:30:37 | 0:30:40 | |
What is going on is for voting members only. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:43 | |
Yeah, but couldn't they, like, just come in and observe, | 0:30:43 | 0:30:46 | |
like observer status in the United Nations? | 0:30:46 | 0:30:49 | |
Who asked you? You said I'm in charge of the door. | 0:30:49 | 0:30:52 | |
This is the door. Get inside. | 0:30:52 | 0:30:54 | |
Ha. Kids, eh? | 0:30:56 | 0:30:57 | |
(LAUGHS) You give 'em a bit of power and what happens? | 0:30:57 | 0:31:01 | |
United Nations, for Christ's sake. | 0:31:01 | 0:31:03 | |
TERRY: Just put your plot number on the stub there. | 0:31:07 | 0:31:09 | |
Right, so, what we've got is guest speakers | 0:31:11 | 0:31:15 | |
and then this thing about voting procedure. | 0:31:15 | 0:31:18 | |
You should have had this about that. | 0:31:18 | 0:31:22 | |
And then the issue of shed colour - namely, Kenny's shed. | 0:31:22 | 0:31:25 | |
Any points of order? | 0:31:25 | 0:31:27 | |
Can we sort this shed colour business out first? | 0:31:27 | 0:31:29 | |
Oh, it's protocol. Guest speakers first. | 0:31:29 | 0:31:31 | |
Given the seriousness of the situation, | 0:31:31 | 0:31:33 | |
namely that he is just taking the piss now, | 0:31:33 | 0:31:36 | |
can we just waive the protocol? | 0:31:36 | 0:31:38 | |
No, we can't waive protocol. | 0:31:38 | 0:31:40 | |
That's why it's protocol, so you can't waive it. | 0:31:40 | 0:31:42 | |
Oh, I suppose a blue shed is protocol, is it? | 0:31:42 | 0:31:45 | |
A blue shed is "any other business". | 0:31:45 | 0:31:47 | |
(GROANS) (ALL MUTTER) | 0:31:47 | 0:31:49 | |
My name's Carla, | 0:31:55 | 0:31:56 | |
and myself and my colleague, Mike, over there, | 0:31:56 | 0:31:59 | |
we represent a mobile phone company. | 0:31:59 | 0:32:03 | |
We're here today because we've got permission to build a mast | 0:32:03 | 0:32:07 | |
on a plot of land within these allotments. | 0:32:07 | 0:32:10 | |
Now, one or two plots will be directly affected. | 0:32:10 | 0:32:14 | |
Well, they'll go, basically. | 0:32:14 | 0:32:15 | |
KENNY: Which plot? At the far end. | 0:32:15 | 0:32:18 | |
It's where the gyppos are. ALL: Ah! | 0:32:18 | 0:32:21 | |
We have some overseas guests who have plots down there. | 0:32:21 | 0:32:24 | |
It will be one of theirs that goes. Oh, well, that's not so bad, then. | 0:32:24 | 0:32:28 | |
No, but still... | 0:32:28 | 0:32:29 | |
We do realise that this will cause a certain amount of upheaval. | 0:32:29 | 0:32:33 | |
And, in consideration of that, | 0:32:33 | 0:32:35 | |
even though there's no obligation on us to do so, | 0:32:35 | 0:32:38 | |
we've decided to make a contribution to the funds of the committee. | 0:32:38 | 0:32:41 | |
MAN: That's interesting. KENNY: How much? | 0:32:41 | 0:32:43 | |
?5,000. (GASPS) 5,000. | 0:32:43 | 0:32:46 | |
Is it definitely gonna be one of the gyppo plots, then? | 0:32:46 | 0:32:48 | |
I'd say so. Five grand for one plot? | 0:32:48 | 0:32:51 | |
Yeah, we can't just take their plots away, though, can we? | 0:32:51 | 0:32:53 | |
Uh, well, I've looked into this, and, constitutionally, yes, we can. | 0:32:53 | 0:32:57 | |
Great. | 0:32:57 | 0:32:59 | |
Well, we've got a consensus, then. | 0:32:59 | 0:33:01 | |
Hey, look, these people have worked hard. | 0:33:01 | 0:33:03 | |
Their plots mean a lot to them. | 0:33:03 | 0:33:04 | |
Right, well, not quite a consensus, but on the way. (LAUGHS) | 0:33:04 | 0:33:07 | |
I think he's got a point. I mean, who are we to say? | 0:33:07 | 0:33:10 | |
Well... TERRY: Point of order. | 0:33:10 | 0:33:12 | |
He's becoming controversial | 0:33:12 | 0:33:14 | |
and philosophical in order to talk his shed off the agenda. | 0:33:14 | 0:33:17 | |
This is "questions from the floor" now, and that was a question! | 0:33:17 | 0:33:21 | |
This mast, what colour is it going to be? | 0:33:21 | 0:33:23 | |
Well, design's not really part of my portfolio, so... | 0:33:23 | 0:33:26 | |
What bloody difference does the colour make? | 0:33:26 | 0:33:28 | |
Oh, I thought colour was the big issue here. | 0:33:28 | 0:33:30 | |
Well, we can be quite flexible on appearance. | 0:33:30 | 0:33:33 | |
We usually finish the mast in a sympathetic wood cladding. | 0:33:33 | 0:33:36 | |
(MURMURING) | 0:33:36 | 0:33:37 | |
My question is, have you said everything you've got to say, girl? | 0:33:37 | 0:33:41 | |
Yes, I think so. | 0:33:41 | 0:33:43 | |
Right, then. Thank you very much, then. | 0:33:43 | 0:33:45 | |
OK. All right? | 0:33:45 | 0:33:47 | |
Now can we get on with this bloody meeting? | 0:33:47 | 0:33:49 | |
Where are you going? These aren't the only busy ones. | 0:33:52 | 0:33:55 | |
My toms need harding off. Well, you can't go now. | 0:33:55 | 0:33:58 | |
I can go whenever I like. | 0:33:58 | 0:34:00 | |
This is an allotment meeting, not the Moscow bloody show trials, | 0:34:00 | 0:34:03 | |
Marshal bloody Beria! | 0:34:03 | 0:34:05 | |
Can we do the raffle? | 0:34:06 | 0:34:08 | |
(DOOR SQUEAKS) | 0:34:08 | 0:34:09 | |
Please. All right? | 0:34:09 | 0:34:11 | |
What's happening - the man and woman? | 0:34:11 | 0:34:13 | |
Oh, them. Oh, them. | 0:34:13 | 0:34:14 | |
They're from a phone company, just some phone company. | 0:34:14 | 0:34:17 | |
A phone company? | 0:34:17 | 0:34:18 | |
They're gonna give us money, you know, for some community thing. | 0:34:18 | 0:34:21 | |
You mean they're not immigration? (LAUGHS) No. | 0:34:21 | 0:34:23 | |
They're not going to make difficulties? | 0:34:23 | 0:34:25 | |
Not difficulties, no. | 0:34:25 | 0:34:27 | |
(SIGHS HEAVILY) | 0:34:29 | 0:34:31 | |
Uh, the next thing is voting procedure, | 0:34:35 | 0:34:37 | |
which is a constitutional change | 0:34:37 | 0:34:39 | |
and therefore requires a simple majority of members to be present | 0:34:39 | 0:34:43 | |
in order to be quorate. | 0:34:43 | 0:34:45 | |
Now that Kenny and his mates have gone we are no longer quorate. | 0:34:45 | 0:34:49 | |
Oh, bloody hell. | 0:34:49 | 0:34:50 | |
So now can we do the raffle? | 0:34:50 | 0:34:53 | |
WOMAN: And the winner is... | 0:34:55 | 0:34:57 | |
..uh, plot number 22. | 0:34:59 | 0:35:02 | |
Oh... | 0:35:02 | 0:35:04 | |
..that's one of those overseas lot, isn't it? | 0:35:04 | 0:35:06 | |
I think it is, yeah. | 0:35:06 | 0:35:08 | |
It's terrible. They get everything, don't they? | 0:35:08 | 0:35:10 | |
Barbara, you can't say that. Well, I'm sorry, but it's true. | 0:35:10 | 0:35:12 | |
Is it Miriam's? I've no idea. | 0:35:12 | 0:35:15 | |
TERRY: Three pound of pork chops, three pound of sausage, | 0:35:15 | 0:35:18 | |
a side of bacon. | 0:35:18 | 0:35:20 | |
A chicken, a crate of ale, | 0:35:21 | 0:35:24 | |
a bottle of whisky, 200 cigarettes. | 0:35:24 | 0:35:27 | |
The ciggies, I should warn you, love, are shite. | 0:35:27 | 0:35:31 | |
MIRIAM: I'll put this stuff away. | 0:35:38 | 0:35:39 | |
George. Come and help me, George. | 0:35:41 | 0:35:43 | |
I told you someone was taking care of us, didn't I? | 0:35:46 | 0:35:49 | |
Hi. We're from a phone company. | 0:35:49 | 0:35:51 | |
A mobile phone company. I know. | 0:35:51 | 0:35:53 | |
Come in. Welcome to Miriam Land. | 0:35:53 | 0:35:56 | |
Would you like a drink? | 0:35:56 | 0:35:58 | |
Uh... We have beer, we have lots of beer. | 0:35:58 | 0:36:00 | |
We won it as a prize. | 0:36:00 | 0:36:01 | |
Do you want to see what we are growing? | 0:36:01 | 0:36:03 | |
Well, no, we're just... Touching base. | 0:36:03 | 0:36:06 | |
Touching base, exactly. Come and see. | 0:36:06 | 0:36:09 | |
I have beans and okra. (PHONE RINGS) | 0:36:09 | 0:36:12 | |
ALI: Phone company! | 0:36:12 | 0:36:15 | |
Hello, phone company. How are you? | 0:36:15 | 0:36:17 | |
I'm Ali. Good to see you. This is my wife, Soraya. | 0:36:17 | 0:36:19 | |
Oh, hello. We were just coming to... SORAYA: Hello. | 0:36:19 | 0:36:21 | |
How are you? Go through, go through. | 0:36:21 | 0:36:22 | |
Hello! Hello, phone company. So good to meet you. | 0:36:22 | 0:36:25 | |
So good. So good you are phone company and not something else. | 0:36:25 | 0:36:29 | |
(ALL LAUGH) | 0:36:29 | 0:36:30 | |
I'm going to cook for you! | 0:36:30 | 0:36:32 | |
ALI: Ah! She's a good cook. Not bad, she is good. | 0:36:32 | 0:36:36 | |
You won't eat meat? Why not? CARLA: I'm vegetarian. | 0:36:36 | 0:36:39 | |
Are you? Why? | 0:36:39 | 0:36:41 | |
You look like you are from big company. | 0:36:53 | 0:36:55 | |
We...we used to have some troubles with immigration. | 0:36:55 | 0:36:57 | |
But then it was... | 0:36:57 | 0:36:59 | |
..it was your Member of Parliament, he wrote letter about me. | 0:36:59 | 0:37:02 | |
He said, "He is school governor, he is a volunteer, he's..." | 0:37:02 | 0:37:06 | |
(ALI SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) | 0:37:06 | 0:37:08 | |
I am... Good sort. | 0:37:08 | 0:37:09 | |
A good sort. (PHONE RINGS) | 0:37:09 | 0:37:10 | |
Oh. Sorry, excuse me. I'm just gonna take this. | 0:37:10 | 0:37:13 | |
So we are hopeful. Hello? | 0:37:13 | 0:37:14 | |
MIKE: Great. | 0:37:14 | 0:37:16 | |
Uh-huh. | 0:37:16 | 0:37:17 | |
MIRIAM: I have cigarettes and ale | 0:37:17 | 0:37:19 | |
and meat. | 0:37:19 | 0:37:21 | |
They are prizes from the raffle. | 0:37:22 | 0:37:24 | |
I have the prizes even though I didn't enter. | 0:37:24 | 0:37:26 | |
That's because somebody's looking after me. | 0:37:26 | 0:37:28 | |
They are looking after me very well. | 0:37:28 | 0:37:29 | |
Even my tea's still warm. | 0:37:32 | 0:37:33 | |
God keeps your tea warm? | 0:37:33 | 0:37:35 | |
Not God. | 0:37:36 | 0:37:37 | |
Desmond, my late husband. | 0:37:37 | 0:37:40 | |
He's taking care of us. | 0:37:40 | 0:37:41 | |
Go. Go on. | 0:37:42 | 0:37:44 | |
Good? Mmm, very good. | 0:37:45 | 0:37:47 | |
When my father comes back he'll be impressed. | 0:37:49 | 0:37:52 | |
Where's your father? My mother thinks he is dead. | 0:37:52 | 0:37:56 | |
She gives up too easily. | 0:37:56 | 0:37:57 | |
Rightio. (TURNS ON RADIO) | 0:38:12 | 0:38:14 | |
ANNOUNCER: ..our Cuban half-hour. | 0:38:16 | 0:38:18 | |
(CUBAN MUSIC PLAYS) | 0:38:18 | 0:38:21 | |
EDDIE: Where's he off to? CHARLIE: No idea. | 0:38:27 | 0:38:29 | |
BARBARA: Hi. | 0:38:33 | 0:38:34 | |
(BEE BUZZES) CHARLIE: Any chance of a sausage? | 0:38:37 | 0:38:38 | |
Attracted to your shirt, John? | 0:38:40 | 0:38:42 | |
What? The bee. | 0:38:42 | 0:38:44 | |
It's attracted to your shirt. | 0:38:45 | 0:38:47 | |
A lot of us are, you know. | 0:38:47 | 0:38:48 | |
It's not one of mine. | 0:38:50 | 0:38:52 | |
What? | 0:38:52 | 0:38:53 | |
The bee. | 0:38:53 | 0:38:55 | |
That's a white-tailed bee, you get them everywhere. | 0:38:55 | 0:38:57 | |
I only keep great yellows. Practically extinct now. | 0:38:59 | 0:39:02 | |
You used to get them all the way down to Cornwall, | 0:39:02 | 0:39:04 | |
and now it's just the Orkneys and Blacktree Road Allotments. | 0:39:04 | 0:39:07 | |
Well, if you two are going to, um... talk about the birds and the bees, | 0:39:07 | 0:39:11 | |
I'll...I'll go and get myself a chipolata. | 0:39:11 | 0:39:13 | |
I don't actually know anything about birds, it's only bees. | 0:39:20 | 0:39:22 | |
Right. | 0:39:22 | 0:39:24 | |
Well, I'm just gonna... just gonna get a beer. | 0:39:24 | 0:39:26 | |
OK, then. OK, bye. | 0:39:31 | 0:39:32 | |
So, what do you think? Nothing like frozen. | 0:39:34 | 0:39:36 | |
I wouldn't have known it was the same vegetable. | 0:39:36 | 0:39:38 | |
No, thanks. This is ideal, this plot, from an access point of view. | 0:39:38 | 0:39:42 | |
I can smell meat and garlic! | 0:39:46 | 0:39:49 | |
Our position on alfresco culinary preparation is very clear. | 0:39:49 | 0:39:53 | |
I'm surprised at you. This is betrayal of what we stand for, this. | 0:39:53 | 0:39:56 | |
Right, come on. | 0:39:56 | 0:39:58 | |
(CLAPS) Party's over. Hey, that's...that's my ball. | 0:39:58 | 0:40:01 | |
You can't just take his ball. We discussed this in committee. | 0:40:02 | 0:40:05 | |
If you wanna raise an objection | 0:40:05 | 0:40:07 | |
you have to go through the proper channels. | 0:40:07 | 0:40:08 | |
Come on, Mr John, don't be so mean. | 0:40:08 | 0:40:11 | |
Mean? | 0:40:12 | 0:40:14 | |
The ball. | 0:40:14 | 0:40:16 | |
I'd be nice to me, if I were you. | 0:40:18 | 0:40:20 | |
I'd be very nice to me. | 0:40:22 | 0:40:23 | |
Why is that? | 0:40:23 | 0:40:26 | |
Never you mind why. | 0:40:27 | 0:40:28 | |
KENNY: What are they, anyway? | 0:40:51 | 0:40:52 | |
Only, it better not be anything dodgy. | 0:40:55 | 0:40:57 | |
Drugs, like. Cannabis. | 0:40:57 | 0:40:59 | |
Or bloody sunflowers. | 0:40:59 | 0:41:01 | |
Or delphiniums - I can't stand the sight of them. | 0:41:01 | 0:41:04 | |
I don't want to be looking at delphiniums all day. | 0:41:04 | 0:41:07 | |
Shark...fin melon. | 0:41:17 | 0:41:19 | |
Shark fin melon. | 0:41:24 | 0:41:26 | |
Shark fin melon? | 0:41:26 | 0:41:28 | |
Oh, that's all right, then! | 0:41:28 | 0:41:30 | |
Nobody minds a bit of shark fin melon, do they? | 0:41:30 | 0:41:33 | |
(CLEARS THROAT) | 0:42:17 | 0:42:18 | |
Hello. | 0:42:20 | 0:42:22 | |
Erm...I noticed that the rabbits have eaten all your cabbages, | 0:42:22 | 0:42:26 | |
and I haven't planted mine - I've got plenty. | 0:42:26 | 0:42:29 | |
Oh, thank you very much. | 0:42:29 | 0:42:31 | |
Lovely. | 0:42:33 | 0:42:35 | |
Your old man's not knocking about, is he? | 0:42:39 | 0:42:41 | |
Of course. | 0:42:41 | 0:42:43 | |
Only, when I get up quick, say, after I've been weeding, | 0:42:43 | 0:42:46 | |
I get these spots in front of me eyes. | 0:42:46 | 0:42:48 | |
If you wait there, he'll see you in a moment. | 0:42:50 | 0:42:52 | |
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) | 0:42:56 | 0:42:57 | |
There you go. Thank you very much. | 0:43:07 | 0:43:10 | |
You're very welcome. | 0:43:10 | 0:43:11 | |
Best I've ever had. Never felt better since he come along. | 0:43:14 | 0:43:17 | |
He's got the touch. He helped me with a problem I had. | 0:43:17 | 0:43:20 | |
Aye. I heard you had a spot of women's trouble. | 0:43:20 | 0:43:23 | |
The point is, once these phone people move in | 0:43:23 | 0:43:25 | |
we're gonna lose one of our guests. | 0:43:25 | 0:43:27 | |
And, between you and me, they've left it up to me which one. | 0:43:27 | 0:43:30 | |
Well, I'm gonna make sure it's not this fella. | 0:43:30 | 0:43:33 | |
I mean, he's an asset, isn't he? We don't wanna lose an asset. | 0:43:33 | 0:43:36 | |
Yeah, but we don't wanna lose Miriam either. | 0:43:36 | 0:43:37 | |
Why's that? | 0:43:37 | 0:43:39 | |
Well, cos she's...she's put in so much work, hasn't she? | 0:43:39 | 0:43:43 | |
She got a nice show of beans. | 0:43:43 | 0:43:44 | |
What - so I'm gonna say to these phone people, | 0:43:44 | 0:43:47 | |
"We don't want your five grand | 0:43:47 | 0:43:48 | |
"because this woman's got a lovely show of beans"? | 0:43:48 | 0:43:50 | |
It's gonna be a tough decision. I'll tell you that much. | 0:43:51 | 0:43:55 | |
When people say it's a tough decision, Mike, | 0:43:58 | 0:44:00 | |
what they mean is they want a present. | 0:44:00 | 0:44:03 | |
That's what working with the grain of the community means - | 0:44:03 | 0:44:05 | |
buying people off. | 0:44:05 | 0:44:06 | |
Come on. Let's do it. | 0:44:08 | 0:44:11 | |
MIKE: We thought you'd like to acquaint yourselves with our product. | 0:44:11 | 0:44:15 | |
You know, we're gonna be working together, | 0:44:15 | 0:44:16 | |
and these phones are what we're all about - communication. | 0:44:16 | 0:44:20 | |
Yeah? Well, enjoy them. | 0:44:20 | 0:44:22 | |
You can download ringtones and assign them to different people | 0:44:22 | 0:44:25 | |
so you can tell who's ringing. | 0:44:25 | 0:44:27 | |
For instance, if mine does this... | 0:44:27 | 0:44:30 | |
(PRESSES KEYS) RINGTONE: # Hard work... # | 0:44:31 | 0:44:34 | |
That means that's my boss, Carla, who's ringing. | 0:44:34 | 0:44:36 | |
# Hard work, work | 0:44:36 | 0:44:38 | |
# Hard work... # (TURNS OFF RINGTONE) | 0:44:39 | 0:44:42 | |
(KEYS BEEP) | 0:44:42 | 0:44:43 | |
(KEYS BEEP) | 0:44:46 | 0:44:48 | |
(ME AND MRS JONES RINGTONE PLAYS) Ah! Ha, ha. | 0:44:50 | 0:44:53 | |
(LAUGHS) | 0:44:54 | 0:44:56 | |
His name's Jones. | 0:44:56 | 0:44:57 | |
His missus...his missus is... | 0:44:59 | 0:45:01 | |
..Mrs Jones. | 0:45:02 | 0:45:05 | |
SONG: # Me and Mrs Jones... # | 0:45:05 | 0:45:09 | |
(RINGS BELL) | 0:45:09 | 0:45:11 | |
(DOOR OPENS) Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. | 0:45:12 | 0:45:14 | |
Big... Are you going out? | 0:45:14 | 0:45:15 | |
Pilates. I got some, uh... | 0:45:15 | 0:45:17 | |
(ENGINE STARTS) | 0:45:17 | 0:45:18 | |
(TURNS OFF RINGTONE) | 0:45:22 | 0:45:23 | |
This will do for my missus. | 0:45:26 | 0:45:27 | |
(RABBIT RINGTONE PLAYS) (LAUGHS) | 0:45:27 | 0:45:30 | |
SONG: # Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit Yap, yap, rabbit | 0:45:30 | 0:45:32 | |
# Yap, yap, yap, rabbit Rabbit, bunny, jabber, yap | 0:45:32 | 0:45:34 | |
# Rabbit, bunny, jabber, rabbit Yap, yap, rabbit, rabbit, bunny | 0:45:34 | 0:45:37 | |
# Yap, jabber, rabbit. # | 0:45:37 | 0:45:38 | |
Aye-aye? Hello, love. | 0:45:38 | 0:45:39 | |
Your tea's ready. Oh, good. What are we having? | 0:45:39 | 0:45:41 | |
Liver and onions. | 0:45:41 | 0:45:42 | |
(BIG SPENDER RINGTONE PLAYS) | 0:45:42 | 0:45:45 | |
That will do for her. Yeah. | 0:45:47 | 0:45:50 | |
SONG: # The minute you walked in the joint | 0:45:50 | 0:45:53 | |
# I could see you were a man of distinction | 0:45:54 | 0:45:58 | |
# A real big spender | 0:45:58 | 0:46:00 | |
# Good-looking, so refined | 0:46:00 | 0:46:04 | |
# Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind? | 0:46:04 | 0:46:08 | |
# So let me get right to the point | 0:46:08 | 0:46:10 | |
# I don't pop my cork for every guy I see | 0:46:11 | 0:46:15 | |
# Hey, big spender | 0:46:17 | 0:46:19 | |
# Spend | 0:46:21 | 0:46:24 | |
# A little time with me | 0:46:24 | 0:46:28 | |
# Wouldn't you like to have fun, fun, fun? | 0:46:28 | 0:46:33 | |
# Howsabout a few laughs, laughs? | 0:46:33 | 0:46:37 | |
# I can show you a... # | 0:46:37 | 0:46:39 | |
..fine day, a sunny day. | 0:46:39 | 0:46:40 | |
We've got light winds coming in from the south-west. | 0:46:40 | 0:46:42 | |
That will be nice. Thanks, love. There could be a touch of frost. | 0:46:42 | 0:46:45 | |
Gardeners might want to protect those tender plants. | 0:46:45 | 0:46:47 | |
All right, I'll do that, thanks. | 0:46:47 | 0:46:49 | |
(PHONES RING AND RINGTONES PLAY) | 0:46:51 | 0:46:55 | |
(PHONES RING) It's about your shed again. | 0:46:57 | 0:46:59 | |
It will take a bigger man than anyone here | 0:46:59 | 0:47:02 | |
to raise their hand and vote against my shed. | 0:47:02 | 0:47:04 | |
BIG JOHN: Phones off, please. You can enjoy them later on. | 0:47:04 | 0:47:06 | |
Right, first item - voting procedure. | 0:47:07 | 0:47:09 | |
Followed by item two - colour of sheds. | 0:47:09 | 0:47:12 | |
Has everyone had this about voting procedure? | 0:47:12 | 0:47:15 | |
Proposed changes that were appropriate. | 0:47:16 | 0:47:18 | |
We have a secret ballot rather than a show of hands. Proposed? | 0:47:18 | 0:47:23 | |
Seconded. Those in favour? | 0:47:24 | 0:47:26 | |
Carried. Next item, colour of sheds. | 0:47:28 | 0:47:30 | |
Proposed, to take stringent methods | 0:47:31 | 0:47:34 | |
to re-enforce colour regulation. | 0:47:34 | 0:47:36 | |
ie, all sheds to be painted regulation red. | 0:47:36 | 0:47:40 | |
Proposed? | 0:47:41 | 0:47:42 | |
Seconded? Proceed to vote. | 0:47:44 | 0:47:46 | |
By secret ballot. | 0:47:47 | 0:47:49 | |
Secret what? | 0:47:51 | 0:47:52 | |
We've just voted on a change to voting procedure. | 0:47:52 | 0:47:55 | |
That was the change. We've changed to secret ballots. | 0:47:55 | 0:48:00 | |
You voted for it yourself. | 0:48:00 | 0:48:02 | |
Collect 'em up, John. Quick as you can. | 0:48:11 | 0:48:13 | |
Here. | 0:48:16 | 0:48:18 | |
One against, the rest in favour. | 0:48:25 | 0:48:28 | |
ONE against? What about... | 0:48:28 | 0:48:30 | |
What about you two? | 0:48:31 | 0:48:32 | |
Kenny. | 0:48:35 | 0:48:36 | |
(DOOR SLAMS) Kenny. | 0:48:36 | 0:48:38 | |
Kenny, come on, you can't... | 0:48:39 | 0:48:41 | |
Shut it! | 0:48:41 | 0:48:43 | |
All right, lad? | 0:49:32 | 0:49:34 | |
You missed a bit. | 0:50:17 | 0:50:18 | |
Her skin has that natural glow. | 0:50:40 | 0:50:42 | |
But... | 0:50:45 | 0:50:47 | |
..you can't really tell from a photo, can you? | 0:50:47 | 0:50:49 | |
She looks nice enough, like. | 0:50:52 | 0:50:54 | |
She's gone now. | 0:51:01 | 0:51:03 | |
Years since. | 0:51:03 | 0:51:04 | |
I was at sea. | 0:51:07 | 0:51:10 | |
We were all right then. | 0:51:10 | 0:51:11 | |
We used to write to each other, and everything. | 0:51:11 | 0:51:13 | |
Then I jacked it all in. Next thing I knew, she was gone. | 0:51:14 | 0:51:17 | |
I never talk about her. | 0:51:19 | 0:51:21 | |
This lot think I've still got her, but she's gone. | 0:51:21 | 0:51:23 | |
Do you have a book? | 0:51:27 | 0:51:28 | |
A what? A book to read. | 0:51:30 | 0:51:34 | |
In English. | 0:51:34 | 0:51:35 | |
I only like talking to you cos you can't understand what I'm saying. | 0:51:35 | 0:51:39 | |
(TOILET FLUSHES) | 0:51:40 | 0:51:42 | |
(AEROSOL CAN HISSES) | 0:51:42 | 0:51:44 | |
Potting-on time? Oh, yeah. | 0:51:55 | 0:51:56 | |
Well, when something's ready you have to let it out, don't you? | 0:51:56 | 0:52:00 | |
Yeah. | 0:52:02 | 0:52:04 | |
And if you don't make a move forward, well... | 0:52:04 | 0:52:06 | |
It gets pot-bound. Like a passionflower, maybe. | 0:52:09 | 0:52:12 | |
(SNIGGERS) | 0:52:30 | 0:52:32 | |
Hello. This way. | 0:52:32 | 0:52:35 | |
He's waiting to see you now. | 0:52:36 | 0:52:38 | |
Thank you. Hello, Doctor. Hello, Mr John. So, how is it? | 0:52:41 | 0:52:44 | |
Well, it's like I want to wee, but I can't. | 0:52:44 | 0:52:46 | |
Ali! Ali! | 0:53:09 | 0:53:10 | |
(SORAYA SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) | 0:53:10 | 0:53:15 | |
Dr Ali Masilou of Flat 2, 4 Salisbury House? | 0:53:17 | 0:53:20 | |
Only, you don't actually live at your registered address, | 0:53:20 | 0:53:22 | |
do you, Dr Masilou, for some reason? | 0:53:22 | 0:53:25 | |
As you know, your application for asylum has been rejected | 0:53:25 | 0:53:28 | |
and your right to appeal has been exhausted. | 0:53:28 | 0:53:31 | |
Under the Immigration Act of 1989, we are therefore here to remove you | 0:53:31 | 0:53:35 | |
to a designated detention centre. | 0:53:35 | 0:53:37 | |
No, no. Please, there's a mistake. | 0:53:37 | 0:53:39 | |
I have a letter from MP. Can I see this, please? | 0:53:39 | 0:53:42 | |
Your copy of the letter was sent to your registered address. | 0:53:42 | 0:53:44 | |
No, no. No, that's not correct. | 0:53:44 | 0:53:46 | |
I have to ask you again, are you going to come voluntarily? | 0:53:46 | 0:53:49 | |
Where? | 0:53:50 | 0:53:52 | |
Please...don't do this. | 0:53:52 | 0:53:56 | |
You cannot do this. Please, no. No, no, no, no, no. | 0:53:56 | 0:53:58 | |
No, no, no. Not here, please. No. (ALL SHOUT) | 0:53:58 | 0:54:01 | |
Please, no! Where are you going?! | 0:54:01 | 0:54:03 | |
Don't touch my son! | 0:54:03 | 0:54:05 | |
Put that kid down! Hey, put him down! | 0:54:05 | 0:54:07 | |
(CONFUSED SHOUTING) | 0:54:07 | 0:54:10 | |
Give my son back! Leave her alone! You can't take him! | 0:54:10 | 0:54:12 | |
These are valued members of our community. Aren't they? | 0:54:12 | 0:54:15 | |
Hey! Aren't they? | 0:54:15 | 0:54:17 | |
I can assure you, sir, this is all proper procedure. | 0:54:17 | 0:54:19 | |
Oh, what's proper about it? Get in the vehicle, please. | 0:54:19 | 0:54:22 | |
You make me ashamed! | 0:54:22 | 0:54:24 | |
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) | 0:54:24 | 0:54:26 | |
Where's the sense in it? | 0:54:47 | 0:54:49 | |
The man's a doctor. How can you have too many doctors? | 0:54:49 | 0:54:52 | |
They've chucked this lad out of the country who was a good lad, | 0:54:53 | 0:54:56 | |
and we're keeping hold of all this rubbish. | 0:54:56 | 0:54:57 | |
What rubbish is that, Kenny? | 0:54:59 | 0:55:01 | |
People who leave their chewing gum under the seats on buses. | 0:55:01 | 0:55:03 | |
Why can't they deport them and leave all the doctors here? | 0:55:03 | 0:55:07 | |
People who collect their kids from school | 0:55:07 | 0:55:09 | |
and they've got their pyjamas on. | 0:55:09 | 0:55:11 | |
That lot off the telly. What lot off the telly? | 0:55:11 | 0:55:13 | |
All of 'em. | 0:55:13 | 0:55:15 | |
Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton doesn't live here. | 0:55:15 | 0:55:18 | |
I don't care where she lives. They should get rid of her anyway. | 0:55:18 | 0:55:21 | |
Charlotte Church! Oh, Charlotte Church. | 0:55:21 | 0:55:23 | |
Peter Andre! Peter bloody Andre. | 0:55:23 | 0:55:26 | |
KENNY AND CHARLIE: Peter bloody Andre! | 0:55:26 | 0:55:28 | |
Justin bloody Timberlake. Right, yeah. | 0:55:28 | 0:55:30 | |
Oh, yeah. David Hasselhoff. | 0:55:30 | 0:55:32 | |
ALL: David Hasselhoff. | 0:55:32 | 0:55:35 | |
Actually, scrub that. Yeah? | 0:55:35 | 0:55:37 | |
The 100% dog's breath, worst of the lot of them... | 0:55:37 | 0:55:40 | |
Yeah? Who? | 0:55:40 | 0:55:42 | |
You two. | 0:55:42 | 0:55:43 | |
What? | 0:55:43 | 0:55:45 | |
You traitorous, 40-faced, arse-licking lackeys! | 0:55:45 | 0:55:49 | |
Secret bloody ballot! | 0:55:49 | 0:55:51 | |
Would you like to wait in here for a moment? I won't be long. | 0:56:54 | 0:56:57 | |
You've not come here without me telling you to before. | 0:56:59 | 0:57:02 | |
Is that a good sign or a bad one? | 0:57:03 | 0:57:05 | |
You know, you were doing really well before they took Ali away. | 0:57:08 | 0:57:12 | |
You were working on the plot, you were growing things. | 0:57:13 | 0:57:16 | |
Kung Sang, you need to talk. | 0:57:21 | 0:57:23 | |
You know you do. | 0:57:25 | 0:57:27 | |
Dolce and Gabbana. | 0:57:56 | 0:57:58 | |
What about 'em? | 0:57:59 | 0:58:01 | |
Well, you could deport them, couldn't you, Kenny? | 0:58:02 | 0:58:05 | |
Dolce and Gabbana, aye. | 0:58:07 | 0:58:09 | |
Tony and Cherie. | 0:58:10 | 0:58:13 | |
Definite, yeah. Oh, cripes. Yeah. | 0:58:13 | 0:58:15 | |
Van Morrison. What? | 0:58:15 | 0:58:17 | |
What's he playing at? At his age. | 0:58:17 | 0:58:19 | |
Hey, I tell you who could go, my missus. | 0:58:20 | 0:58:22 | |
Your missus, yeah. And my missus and all, she could go with her. | 0:58:22 | 0:58:25 | |
Oh, aye, and mine too. | 0:58:25 | 0:58:27 | |
The mother-in-law. | 0:58:27 | 0:58:28 | |
And that snotty cow from the post office. | 0:58:28 | 0:58:30 | |
She could go. | 0:58:30 | 0:58:32 | |
Simon Cowell. Oh, yeah. | 0:58:32 | 0:58:34 | |
Ozzy Osbourne. And Sharon. | 0:58:34 | 0:58:37 | |
Bob the Builder. What? | 0:58:37 | 0:58:39 | |
Well, he's overcapitalised, isn't he? | 0:58:39 | 0:58:42 | |
I mean, there's only him and Wendy - look at all the plant they've got. | 0:58:42 | 0:58:44 | |
Muck, Scoop, Dizzy, a crane. | 0:58:44 | 0:58:47 | |
What's he need a bloody crane for? | 0:58:47 | 0:58:49 | |
All he ever does is build a wall. There you go. | 0:58:49 | 0:58:51 | |
Kenny! | 0:58:52 | 0:58:53 | |
I need your help. | 0:58:55 | 0:58:57 | |
Well, you're gonna have to tidy up all this rubbish. | 0:59:07 | 0:59:09 | |
And these weeds will have to come out. | 0:59:09 | 0:59:11 | |
Go on, then. | 0:59:11 | 0:59:13 | |
What? Go on. | 0:59:13 | 0:59:14 | |
(MUTTERS) | 0:59:17 | 0:59:20 | |
Well, come on, then. | 0:59:23 | 0:59:25 | |
I'm not doing it on me own. | 0:59:25 | 0:59:26 | |
(SIGHS) Who needs to have a door on an allotment? | 0:59:30 | 0:59:34 | |
That's looking a bit smarter. | 0:59:42 | 0:59:44 | |
Thanks. | 0:59:44 | 0:59:46 | |
What exactly are you doing? | 1:00:11 | 1:00:13 | |
You know, liaising. | 1:00:13 | 1:00:15 | |
Working with the community. Had some problem with his weeds. | 1:00:15 | 1:00:18 | |
What's the point in solving his weed problem | 1:00:18 | 1:00:19 | |
if you're gonna concrete his plot? | 1:00:19 | 1:00:21 | |
We won't be concreting his plot. We don't know, do we? | 1:00:21 | 1:00:23 | |
It's up to logistics, isn't it? Well, yeah. | 1:00:23 | 1:00:26 | |
But that plot's finished with, isn't it? | 1:00:26 | 1:00:27 | |
We could use that plot without upsetting anyone. | 1:00:27 | 1:00:29 | |
You know, working with the grain of the community. | 1:00:29 | 1:00:31 | |
We are community relations. | 1:00:31 | 1:00:33 | |
Where the mast goes is logistics. | 1:00:33 | 1:00:35 | |
It's not your pigeon, it's theirs. | 1:00:35 | 1:00:38 | |
I thought you said it was that guy's pigeon - the chairman. | 1:00:38 | 1:00:40 | |
I only said that so he'd think he was in the loop. | 1:00:40 | 1:00:42 | |
I'm only trying to think outside the box. | 1:00:42 | 1:00:44 | |
We need to think outside the box and inside your pigeon. | 1:00:44 | 1:00:47 | |
(PHONE RINGS) Carla Davis. | 1:00:47 | 1:00:49 | |
Hello. Hi. | 1:00:52 | 1:00:54 | |
No, no, no, everything's going great. | 1:00:54 | 1:00:56 | |
Kenny! | 1:01:11 | 1:01:12 | |
What do you want now? Can you buy me some chips, please? | 1:01:12 | 1:01:15 | |
Can't your dad feed ya? | 1:01:15 | 1:01:17 | |
Come on, then. | 1:01:20 | 1:01:21 | |
You won't get chips like this in a chippie. | 1:01:39 | 1:01:41 | |
(SIZZLING) | 1:01:46 | 1:01:49 | |
There you go. | 1:01:50 | 1:01:51 | |
What do you reckon? | 1:01:54 | 1:01:56 | |
Are you sure he's been feeding ya? | 1:02:00 | 1:02:02 | |
Oh, don't let me interrupt ya. | 1:02:04 | 1:02:05 | |
Hmm. | 1:02:10 | 1:02:11 | |
I'm just looking at all this bloody washing-up now. | 1:02:14 | 1:02:17 | |
I've got to go. | 1:02:17 | 1:02:18 | |
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) | 1:02:25 | 1:02:28 | |
(RINGS DOORBELL) | 1:02:45 | 1:02:46 | |
(DOOR OPENS) | 1:02:50 | 1:02:51 | |
Book. | 1:02:58 | 1:02:59 | |
I thought you might be interested. | 1:02:59 | 1:03:01 | |
When I was at sea I couldn't settle on a good book. | 1:03:03 | 1:03:06 | |
So I had this, you know. It's poems. | 1:03:07 | 1:03:10 | |
Been everywhere with me, that one. Valparaiso, Zanzibar, whatever. | 1:03:12 | 1:03:15 | |
A few good ones in there. Quite a lot of shite. | 1:03:16 | 1:03:20 | |
Your plot's all right, if that's what you're worried about. | 1:03:25 | 1:03:28 | |
Your lad's done a great job there. | 1:03:29 | 1:03:31 | |
You must have done a great job of him, mind you, | 1:03:33 | 1:03:35 | |
cos he's a great lad. | 1:03:35 | 1:03:36 | |
MAN: All right, mate? Oi. | 1:04:56 | 1:04:57 | |
You can't stand there. | 1:04:57 | 1:04:59 | |
You can't stand there, mate. You have to move. | 1:05:00 | 1:05:02 | |
I have two children. | 1:05:07 | 1:05:09 | |
I brought them here... | 1:05:12 | 1:05:13 | |
..in one of those. | 1:05:15 | 1:05:17 | |
We had to leave China because of me. | 1:05:21 | 1:05:24 | |
Some businessmen came from the city. | 1:05:27 | 1:05:29 | |
They wanted to take our land... | 1:05:32 | 1:05:34 | |
..to build their offices. | 1:05:36 | 1:05:38 | |
I said, "No, this is not right." | 1:05:39 | 1:05:42 | |
I went to speak to the authorities. | 1:05:45 | 1:05:47 | |
I just made things worse. | 1:05:51 | 1:05:52 | |
There was a...big fight. | 1:05:56 | 1:05:58 | |
They threatened my family. | 1:06:02 | 1:06:04 | |
So we had to leave. | 1:06:07 | 1:06:09 | |
Their mother... | 1:06:17 | 1:06:18 | |
..died on the way. | 1:06:24 | 1:06:26 | |
We sat with her body... | 1:06:34 | 1:06:37 | |
..all those days. | 1:06:39 | 1:06:40 | |
If a man says too much... | 1:06:51 | 1:06:54 | |
..things get worse. | 1:06:56 | 1:06:58 | |
In my book, mate, you got something to say, you should say it. | 1:07:02 | 1:07:05 | |
Just stay away from the fence, all right, mate? | 1:07:05 | 1:07:07 | |
Twist-Ems for tying peas to pea poles. | 1:07:23 | 1:07:26 | |
Um...no, I don't think so. | 1:07:27 | 1:07:30 | |
You wouldn't use a bit of string? | 1:07:30 | 1:07:32 | |
No, string burns the stems. I'm looking for a plastic. | 1:07:32 | 1:07:34 | |
Oh. Well, we'll have to see what we can do. | 1:07:34 | 1:07:38 | |
Cos if there's no flowers, there's no peas. | 1:07:38 | 1:07:40 | |
Yeah, I know that. | 1:07:42 | 1:07:43 | |
(SIGHS AND URINATES) Um... | 1:07:53 | 1:07:55 | |
No flower, do you see? | 1:08:00 | 1:08:02 | |
Cos you've got to blossom, haven't you? | 1:08:03 | 1:08:06 | |
Otherwise there's no fruit. | 1:08:06 | 1:08:08 | |
See what I'm saying? | 1:08:09 | 1:08:11 | |
Cos you might feel all safe tucked up in your bud, | 1:08:13 | 1:08:16 | |
but there comes a point where you've got to spread your petals. | 1:08:16 | 1:08:20 | |
Haven't you? | 1:08:20 | 1:08:22 | |
Otherwise, as I said, no fruit. | 1:08:23 | 1:08:26 | |
(TOILET FLUSHES) | 1:08:26 | 1:08:27 | |
Think about it. | 1:08:31 | 1:08:32 | |
Oh, no. | 1:08:57 | 1:08:58 | |
I was... MIRIAM: You did that before? | 1:09:24 | 1:09:26 | |
You do it all the time. | 1:09:29 | 1:09:30 | |
Whenever I can. | 1:09:30 | 1:09:32 | |
(GASPS) | 1:09:32 | 1:09:33 | |
I like to make sure you're all right, because...well... | 1:09:33 | 1:09:38 | |
..cos the fact... | 1:09:38 | 1:09:39 | |
All this time...all this time I think he's looking out for me. | 1:09:39 | 1:09:42 | |
You buy raffle tickets too? | 1:09:44 | 1:09:46 | |
Yeah. | 1:09:46 | 1:09:47 | |
That was YOU? | 1:09:49 | 1:09:50 | |
Oh, my God. | 1:09:52 | 1:09:55 | |
I think Desmond is looking out for me. | 1:09:55 | 1:09:58 | |
He's not looking out for me. No, but I am. | 1:09:58 | 1:10:00 | |
I'm looking out for you because... | 1:10:01 | 1:10:03 | |
If he's not looking out for me, where is he? | 1:10:03 | 1:10:05 | |
I am happy when he's looking out for me, | 1:10:05 | 1:10:08 | |
because he is dead, OK, but he is still with me. | 1:10:08 | 1:10:11 | |
If he's not here, where is he? | 1:10:11 | 1:10:13 | |
I'm on my own. | 1:10:15 | 1:10:16 | |
No, you're not, because... Because what?! | 1:10:16 | 1:10:20 | |
Because... | 1:10:20 | 1:10:21 | |
..because... | 1:10:23 | 1:10:24 | |
..you are very well thought of. | 1:10:28 | 1:10:30 | |
Go. | 1:10:34 | 1:10:35 | |
Leave me alone. | 1:10:37 | 1:10:39 | |
Just leave me alone. | 1:10:39 | 1:10:41 | |
You and your stupid, stupid, stupid, horrible shirt! | 1:10:41 | 1:10:46 | |
Well, hello, Hawaii. | 1:10:46 | 1:10:49 | |
Is that a shirt? | 1:10:49 | 1:10:50 | |
Looks more like an accident in a paint factory. | 1:10:50 | 1:10:54 | |
Hey, have you seen this shirt?! | 1:10:54 | 1:10:56 | |
It's that loud it could have its own ASBO. | 1:10:56 | 1:10:58 | |
(LAUGHTER) | 1:10:58 | 1:11:00 | |
I don't believe it. | 1:11:00 | 1:11:02 | |
(LAUGHS) | 1:11:02 | 1:11:04 | |
What have I bred? | 1:11:04 | 1:11:06 | |
BIG JOHN: Made a right fool of himself. | 1:11:21 | 1:11:23 | |
Hopefully that's knocked all that out of him. | 1:11:24 | 1:11:26 | |
Chasing women. (LAUGHS) | 1:11:27 | 1:11:30 | |
I mean...who'd have him? | 1:11:30 | 1:11:32 | |
(OPENS DOOR) | 1:11:34 | 1:11:36 | |
(DOOR CLOSES) | 1:11:38 | 1:11:40 | |
I thought your shirts were nice, John. | 1:11:40 | 1:11:41 | |
What's up with you? | 1:11:43 | 1:11:45 | |
I thought they were...nice. | 1:11:46 | 1:11:49 | |
(SIGHS) | 1:11:52 | 1:11:54 | |
(SOBS) | 1:11:55 | 1:11:57 | |
What's up with her? Your dad is right about you. | 1:11:58 | 1:12:01 | |
You are useless. | 1:12:01 | 1:12:03 | |
(SIGHS) | 1:12:03 | 1:12:05 | |
She thought the shirts were for her. | 1:12:05 | 1:12:06 | |
What - she wanted my shirts? | 1:12:08 | 1:12:10 | |
(SIGHS) She thought you were wearing them... | 1:12:10 | 1:12:14 | |
..for her. | 1:12:15 | 1:12:16 | |
Oh. | 1:12:16 | 1:12:18 | |
Oh...! | 1:12:24 | 1:12:25 | |
John. I'll do it, you wait here. | 1:12:28 | 1:12:30 | |
John, I've got something for you. | 1:12:30 | 1:12:33 | |
A-ha. How about that? | 1:12:33 | 1:12:35 | |
(LAUGHS) Thank you very much. | 1:12:35 | 1:12:37 | |
It's our pleasure. | 1:12:37 | 1:12:38 | |
Don't spend it all at once. | 1:12:40 | 1:12:42 | |
Can I enter this in the show? | 1:12:42 | 1:12:44 | |
What is it? It's okra. | 1:12:44 | 1:12:47 | |
Unfortunately, we don't have a category for alien species. | 1:12:47 | 1:12:50 | |
(SNIGGERS) Okra is a kind of hibiscus, I think. | 1:12:50 | 1:12:54 | |
I think it's a mallow. Not on these allotments it's not. | 1:12:54 | 1:12:56 | |
They'll eat anything, won't they? | 1:12:56 | 1:12:59 | |
Quite good value for one plot, eh? | 1:12:59 | 1:13:01 | |
(LAUGHS) You're telling me. | 1:13:01 | 1:13:04 | |
KENNY: It weren't me. | 1:13:25 | 1:13:26 | |
It was your lad. | 1:13:26 | 1:13:28 | |
He really put some back into it, you know. | 1:13:29 | 1:13:31 | |
Good. | 1:13:34 | 1:13:36 | |
CHARLIE: Well, what do you think? | 1:13:37 | 1:13:38 | |
These are all right, aren't they? | 1:13:38 | 1:13:40 | |
MIRIAM: Oh, my God. | 1:13:57 | 1:13:59 | |
DEBBIE: I take it this is your husband? | 1:14:08 | 1:14:10 | |
There was some confusion over the name thing. I checked. | 1:14:11 | 1:14:14 | |
You were on the wrong database. | 1:14:15 | 1:14:17 | |
I thought you were dead. | 1:14:19 | 1:14:21 | |
No...I'm not dead. | 1:14:21 | 1:14:24 | |
I've been in Leicester. | 1:14:26 | 1:14:28 | |
(LAUGHS) | 1:14:28 | 1:14:29 | |
BIG JOHN: So, the issue is how we allocate this money | 1:14:41 | 1:14:45 | |
from the phone people. | 1:14:45 | 1:14:46 | |
CHARLIE: What you gonna do with it, John? | 1:14:46 | 1:14:48 | |
Well, obviously, it's a priority to make this meeting area more viable. | 1:14:48 | 1:14:53 | |
We want proper seating, decent lighting, | 1:14:53 | 1:14:55 | |
maybe a raised area back here. | 1:14:55 | 1:14:58 | |
In other words, a throne for His Lordship here. | 1:14:58 | 1:15:00 | |
The committee is open to suggestions, if you've got any better ideas. | 1:15:00 | 1:15:03 | |
I do have a better idea, as it happens. | 1:15:03 | 1:15:05 | |
Security. SOME: Good idea. | 1:15:05 | 1:15:08 | |
Well, security is an issue, obviously. | 1:15:08 | 1:15:10 | |
We had an incident down our end just a couple of weeks back. | 1:15:10 | 1:15:13 | |
Involving a dibber. That's right, involving a dibber. | 1:15:13 | 1:15:16 | |
I was wondering when you were getting around to it. | 1:15:16 | 1:15:18 | |
What we need is razor wire, or, if we all chipped in, | 1:15:18 | 1:15:22 | |
we could have an on-site guard. | 1:15:22 | 1:15:24 | |
(ALL MURMUR) | 1:15:24 | 1:15:26 | |
(CLEARS THROAT) | 1:15:28 | 1:15:29 | |
So the motion is that we earmark the money from the phone people | 1:15:31 | 1:15:34 | |
to spend on increased security | 1:15:34 | 1:15:36 | |
rather than doing something about this place. | 1:15:36 | 1:15:38 | |
Vote away. | 1:15:38 | 1:15:40 | |
(SIGHS HEAVILY) | 1:15:40 | 1:15:42 | |
Are you ready? | 1:15:42 | 1:15:44 | |
You should be ready to get it off 'em as soon as they've finished writing. | 1:15:44 | 1:15:47 | |
Yes, put the pens in one hand and the papers in the other. | 1:15:50 | 1:15:54 | |
(MUTTERS) | 1:15:54 | 1:15:55 | |
The motion is carried. (APPLAUSE) | 1:16:02 | 1:16:05 | |
Is it the doctor lad's plot they're gonna use, | 1:16:11 | 1:16:13 | |
the one who they took away? | 1:16:13 | 1:16:14 | |
No, no, it don't suit. It's gonna be our Oriental pal's plot. | 1:16:14 | 1:16:18 | |
Motormouth. What? | 1:16:18 | 1:16:20 | |
You're the one who wanted increased security. | 1:16:20 | 1:16:22 | |
We've gotta pay for it somehow. | 1:16:22 | 1:16:24 | |
(OPENS DOOR) | 1:16:26 | 1:16:28 | |
(DOOR CLOSES) | 1:16:30 | 1:16:31 | |
So, they're pumpkins, are they? The mystery veg. | 1:16:50 | 1:16:53 | |
(LAUGHS) That's...a disappointment, isn't it? Pumpkins. | 1:16:53 | 1:16:59 | |
Except at Halloween. | 1:17:00 | 1:17:01 | |
Do you have Halloween? | 1:17:02 | 1:17:04 | |
(WEAKLY MIMICS GHOST) | 1:17:04 | 1:17:06 | |
You could still enter them in the show, mind you. | 1:17:08 | 1:17:10 | |
These are, uh...shark fin melon. | 1:17:11 | 1:17:14 | |
They make a wondrous soup. | 1:17:15 | 1:17:17 | |
It is a kind of squash. | 1:17:19 | 1:17:22 | |
It breaks into strands that look like shark meat. | 1:17:22 | 1:17:26 | |
Shark meat is very expensive, so this is the poor man's shark meat. | 1:17:26 | 1:17:31 | |
The poor man's luxury. | 1:17:32 | 1:17:35 | |
The soup is called strands of wonder. | 1:17:35 | 1:17:38 | |
PHOENIX: Mmm. | 1:17:41 | 1:17:42 | |
Thank you. | 1:17:42 | 1:17:44 | |
Wondrous? Wondrous. | 1:17:50 | 1:17:53 | |
MIRIAM: Wondrous. | 1:17:54 | 1:17:55 | |
I know what you're up to, and it's not gonna happen. | 1:18:01 | 1:18:03 | |
Well, I think the decision's... Will have to be changed. | 1:18:03 | 1:18:06 | |
There's a plot standing empty there with no-one in it. | 1:18:06 | 1:18:09 | |
But what can I do? | 1:18:09 | 1:18:11 | |
I can have a word. Mike! | 1:18:11 | 1:18:13 | |
I can only apologise, Steve. | 1:18:16 | 1:18:18 | |
I assure... | 1:18:18 | 1:18:20 | |
Of course, Steve. | 1:18:20 | 1:18:22 | |
I'll get right back to you. Many thanks. Bye. | 1:18:22 | 1:18:24 | |
What it is, a few of us have been having a talk, | 1:18:25 | 1:18:28 | |
we've decided against... | 1:18:28 | 1:18:29 | |
Against what? We want the lad to keep his plot. | 1:18:29 | 1:18:32 | |
He's worked hard on it. He's got these melons. | 1:18:32 | 1:18:34 | |
We've tried his soup, it's called strands of wonder soup. | 1:18:34 | 1:18:36 | |
OK. Oh, that's good. | 1:18:36 | 1:18:39 | |
It's fine. We don't actually need your approval. | 1:18:39 | 1:18:41 | |
How do you mean? Well, we don't need your permission. | 1:18:42 | 1:18:46 | |
We just wanted you to be happy. | 1:18:46 | 1:18:47 | |
If you're not happy, you're sad. What can I say? We tried. | 1:18:47 | 1:18:50 | |
I need a word with my colleague. | 1:18:53 | 1:18:54 | |
This is your first job, isn't it, Mike? | 1:18:57 | 1:18:59 | |
I used to do... | 1:19:00 | 1:19:01 | |
Jobseekers, JobSearch, Jobsworth, all on your back, | 1:19:01 | 1:19:05 | |
years on end, making your life a misery. | 1:19:05 | 1:19:07 | |
I know, I've been there. | 1:19:07 | 1:19:09 | |
And now we're not there, we're here, aren't we? | 1:19:09 | 1:19:13 | |
Yeah. Lovely. | 1:19:13 | 1:19:15 | |
Well, if you don't wanna go back there, start doing your job. | 1:19:15 | 1:19:18 | |
Because I can bust you back there quick as I like. | 1:19:18 | 1:19:21 | |
I can bust you back there so you stay there forever, | 1:19:21 | 1:19:23 | |
till you're an old man | 1:19:23 | 1:19:25 | |
still living on whatever horrible bloody estate it is you live on, OK? | 1:19:25 | 1:19:27 | |
Do you follow me? Lovely. | 1:19:27 | 1:19:29 | |
(MACHINERY ROARS) | 1:19:39 | 1:19:42 | |
You'll be interested to hear, the razor wire has arrived. | 1:20:48 | 1:20:51 | |
Oi. What are you doing? | 1:20:54 | 1:20:57 | |
Hang on a minute. | 1:20:57 | 1:20:59 | |
I boxed a bit, you know, when I was in the police. | 1:20:59 | 1:21:02 | |
Did ya? Yeah. | 1:21:02 | 1:21:03 | |
District champion two years running. | 1:21:03 | 1:21:05 | |
Aye. | 1:21:09 | 1:21:11 | |
You're barred! | 1:21:12 | 1:21:14 | |
You're never coming back to these allotments again, do you hear me?! | 1:21:14 | 1:21:17 | |
I hear ya. So what? | 1:21:17 | 1:21:19 | |
Barbara, look. | 1:23:00 | 1:23:01 | |
KENNY: What do you want? I have something to show you. | 1:25:04 | 1:25:07 | |
Is she gone an' all, is she? | 1:25:24 | 1:25:25 | |
Everyone wants you back. | 1:25:36 | 1:25:38 | |
Everyone? | 1:25:41 | 1:25:43 | |
There was an election. | 1:25:43 | 1:25:46 | |
A revolution. | 1:25:48 | 1:25:50 | |
(BARBARA WHISPERS) | 1:25:50 | 1:25:52 | |
WOMAN: To be honest, I can't tell one end of an artichoke from another. | 1:25:52 | 1:25:55 | |
(BARBARA WHISPERS) (WHISPERS) Well, if you say so. | 1:25:55 | 1:25:57 | |
(WOMEN WHISPER) | 1:25:57 | 1:26:01 | |
That one's way too big. 15 inches or over? Look at the state of it. | 1:26:01 | 1:26:04 | |
What we're looking for with a marrow, size isn't everything. | 1:26:04 | 1:26:08 | |
We're looking for the girth and the smoothness. | 1:26:08 | 1:26:10 | |
BIG JOHN: Unanimous. | 1:26:12 | 1:26:14 | |
That means you voted against your own father. | 1:26:15 | 1:26:18 | |
Yeah. | 1:26:19 | 1:26:20 | |
WOMAN: I'd like to thank your new chairwoman, Barbara, | 1:26:26 | 1:26:29 | |
for inviting me here today. | 1:26:29 | 1:26:31 | |
We in the council are very proud of our allotments policy. | 1:26:31 | 1:26:35 | |
Personally, I don't know much about gardening, | 1:26:35 | 1:26:37 | |
but I do know a lot about grass because of my Crown Green bowling. | 1:26:37 | 1:26:41 | |
Which is how Barbara and I became friends. | 1:26:41 | 1:26:44 | |
Another bloody stitch-up, then. | 1:26:44 | 1:26:45 | |
First prize of the day is | 1:26:45 | 1:26:47 | |
the cauliflower, dressed, with 3-inch stalk, | 1:26:47 | 1:26:51 | |
and that goes to plot number five. | 1:26:51 | 1:26:53 | |
Oh. (APPLAUSE) | 1:26:54 | 1:26:56 | |
Well done. Very good. | 1:27:06 | 1:27:08 | |
And on to the prize for the heaviest onion. | 1:27:08 | 1:27:11 | |
This goes to plot number three. | 1:27:11 | 1:27:14 | |
And that's me. | 1:27:14 | 1:27:15 | |
WOMAN: (LAUGHS) Well done, Barbara. (APPLAUSE) | 1:27:15 | 1:27:19 | |
Thanks, Pat. | 1:27:19 | 1:27:21 | |
Now we're moving to table marrow not to exceed 15 inches. | 1:27:21 | 1:27:24 | |
It's me again. (MURMURING) | 1:27:26 | 1:27:29 | |
Well done, Barbara, again! | 1:27:29 | 1:27:31 | |
Thank you. (LAUGHS) | 1:27:31 | 1:27:32 | |
Oh, bloody hell. | 1:27:32 | 1:27:34 | |
Oh, I hate all this. (MUTTERS) I'm not going in there. | 1:27:34 | 1:27:39 | |
Annual show. | 1:27:39 | 1:27:40 | |
I've had enough of all that. | 1:27:42 | 1:27:43 | |
(APPLAUSE) | 1:28:59 | 1:29:02 | |
So, finally... | 1:29:03 | 1:29:06 | |
..on to the Betty Ratcliffe Memorial Trophy | 1:29:07 | 1:29:11 | |
for the best overall plot. | 1:29:11 | 1:29:14 | |
And that goes to plot number 22. | 1:29:14 | 1:29:17 | |
(APPLAUSE) | 1:29:17 | 1:29:21 | |
Oh. | 1:29:21 | 1:29:23 | |
Well done. Congratulations. | 1:29:23 | 1:29:26 | |
Well, that concludes business. Sorry, standing too close. | 1:29:32 | 1:29:35 | |
Sorry. No. Don't be sorry. | 1:29:35 | 1:29:37 | |
I don't mind you being close. | 1:29:37 | 1:29:39 | |
BARBARA: ..for officiating this afternoon, | 1:29:39 | 1:29:40 | |
and looking forward to another happy year. | 1:29:40 | 1:29:42 | |
(APPLAUSE) | 1:29:42 | 1:29:45 | |
(SIGHS) | 1:29:49 | 1:29:51 | |
You missed a bit. | 1:29:54 | 1:29:55 | |
Sorry. | 1:29:57 | 1:29:59 | |
MUSIC: "Goin' Back To My Roots" by Lamont Dozier | 1:30:05 | 1:30:09 | |
# Zippin' up my boots | 1:30:22 | 1:30:25 | |
# Goin' back to my roots, yeah | 1:30:26 | 1:30:31 | |
# To the place of my birth | 1:30:31 | 1:30:34 | |
# Back down to earth | 1:30:35 | 1:30:38 | |
# I've been standing in the rain | 1:30:40 | 1:30:42 | |
# Drenched and soaked with pain | 1:30:45 | 1:30:48 | |
# Tired of short-term benefits | 1:30:50 | 1:30:53 | |
# And being exposed to the elements | 1:30:54 | 1:30:58 | |
# I'm homeward bound got my head turned around | 1:30:58 | 1:31:03 | |
# Going back to being myself | 1:31:05 | 1:31:08 | |
# I can't live with nobody else | 1:31:09 | 1:31:13 | |
# I've been living in a world of fantasy | 1:31:14 | 1:31:17 | |
# Cos I'm going back, I'm going back to reality | 1:31:18 | 1:31:22 | |
# I've been searching for ages, I get all the time | 1:31:23 | 1:31:26 | |
# Till happiness, happiness was just a state of mind | 1:31:27 | 1:31:31 | |
# I'm going back home, I'm going home | 1:31:31 | 1:31:35 | |
# I'm going back home where I belong | 1:31:36 | 1:31:40 | |
# Zippin' on my boots | 1:31:46 | 1:31:48 | |
# Goin' back to my roots, yeah | 1:31:49 | 1:31:53 | |
# To the place of my birth | 1:31:54 | 1:31:56 | |
# Back down to earth... # | 1:31:58 | 1:32:01 |