Grow Your Own


Grow Your Own

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(FLY BUZZES)

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BOY: (READS) "An allotment is a piece of communal land

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"divided into individual plots.

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"For a small annual rent,

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"it can be used by a person to grow his own food.

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"For the British working man,

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"the allotment has for more than a century provided

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"a rustic oasis in the industrial desert...

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"..or somewhere to escape to.

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"But in the winter, when the ground is hard

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"and nothing will grow, what can he do?

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"He has to find some way to keep his passion alive.

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"Even at Christmas time."

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(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS)

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BOY: "Tomato seeds can be planted as early as Boxing Day

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"but must be kept in a place

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"where they will receive both warmth and attention."

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WOMAN: Oh, do they have to go on top of the telly, love?

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Every year it's the same.

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Why can't you put 'em upstairs on the windowsill in the spare room...

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WOMAN TWO: Didn't you? Didn't you?

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You got one last year exactly the same.

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(LAUGHTER)

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(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

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(SIGHS HEAVILY) (PARTY BLOWER HONKS)

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BOY: "Unwanted furniture or bric-a-brac

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"can be taken from the home

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"and used for making improvements to the allotment."

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(DRILL WHIRS)

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WOMAN TWO: Eddie, what the hell have you done with my shelf?!

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If you've taken it to your bloody allotment, I'll kill ya!

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BOY: "Winter is also a time for reflection,

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"a time to brush up on gardening knowledge

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"with the help of a book or a television expert."

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It doesn't matter whether it's well-rotted garden compost

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or farmyard manure...

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Manure! Funny you should mention manure.

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You've only been talking it for half an hour.

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You think just because you've got a nice woolly sweater

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and a pair of wellingtons...

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(CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES)

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(SIGHS)

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BOY: "With the arrival of spring comes relief.

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"The British working man can return to his plot,

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"ready for the hard physical work to begin."

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(ALL CHEW NOISILY)

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Go on, off you go.

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MAN: Have you got any more Bourbons, Kenny?

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Oi! Come here. Get off his plot.

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Come here.

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Kung Sang.

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It's just your dad she wants to see. I know. Yeah.

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Your date of birth, Mr, um... September 20th, 1970.

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Yunfu, People's... No, no, no, that's fine.

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I'm sorry, just his birthday.

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I'm so sorry, these notes are in a dreadful mess.

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You can definitely speak English?

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He can speak English, Cantonese, Mandarin, Russian.

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That's fine. And he can speak French.

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He speaks them all. Just not very often.

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Your father's had a very bad experience.

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Well, you all have.

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You seem very strong.

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Well, someone's got to be.

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Phoenix, I've looked in here,

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people have tried all sorts to get through to your dad.

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I think we're running out of ideas.

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Can't you just give him a tablet or something?

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Make him like he used to be? There is something I can give him.

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But I have to be honest with you, if it doesn't work,

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then I think we might have to make some tough decisions.

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You can't go on being the one in charge.

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I can.

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WOMAN: OK, this is us.

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Thanks, Dave. OK, Debbie.

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All right.

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Don't look so worried, Miriam, I think you're gonna like it.

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Father!

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DEBBIE: Now, take your time, have a good look around.

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Our plots are down the far end.

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We've even got our own manure, you'll be pleased to hear.

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If you follow me, we'll have a bit of an explore.

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(PHOENIX SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

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All right?

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(PHOENIX SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

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DEBBIE: Are you OK there?

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So, they're here, then. Morning.

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WOMAN: Hiya! MAN: Hi.

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MAN: Invasion's started...

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..son. What?

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Oh, yeah.

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Yeah.

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This is Ali. He's been on the scheme for over a year now.

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Very successfully.

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(WOMAN LAUGHS)

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Cor.

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Can we grow okra? If you can make it grow.

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It's up to you. Can we grow potatoes?

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You know where I am.

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Hello.

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Yeah...it's great.

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But...it's forecast to rain later, though.

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DEBBIE: We've got a tool bank, a seed bank, as much advice as you need.

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PHOENIX: You said you were going to give him something.

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We are, we're giving him an allotment.

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Listen...

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..when a man's completely broken...

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..you have to put him back together slowly, bit by bit.

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Drugs don't always help.

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But being outdoors, growing your own food -

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well, like that over there, look -

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that CAN help.

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All right? (BELL RINGS)

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Yeah.

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My brother-in-law's had his name down for a plot here for years now!

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How come these gyppos arrive, you can jump the queue just like this?

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This one out there, he's got kids.

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It's just basically gonna turn into some kinda kindergarten.

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And, I'll tell you what, some of 'em eat dog.

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All right, OK. Shh. Shh.

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All right. Shh. Shh.

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We are having an influx

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and there's nothing we can do to stop that,

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so we have to present a united front.

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Good fences make good neighbours.

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John.

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This is the original Constitution of the Blacktree Road Allotment, 1921.

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Now, if we stick to the letter of the law, as outlined herein,

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then our overseas guests won't have any comeback, will they,

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when we object to their infringement?

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WOMAN: Hear, hear.

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Yeah, and we should be welcoming these people.

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Exactly. We want to welcome them, but on our terms.

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So we know where we stand and they know where they stand.

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The solution is in our hands.

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For instance, it says in here, it says...

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(READS) .."All sheds...all the sheds have to be kept in good repair

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"and painted regulation red."

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MAN: I didn't know that. MAN TWO: The same colour?

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"No alfresco culinary preparation."

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WOMAN: What's that, then? No barbecues. All right?

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It's all in here. "No ball games."

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All right about that? Great.

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"No livestock." What about my bees?

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Bees? Yep, bees.

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What about my goats?

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Ah, well, if we allow your goats,

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what are we gonna say to these gyppos when they come along with their dogs?

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But Charlie's got a dog.

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I'm not talking about bloody Fido here, am I?

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I'm talking about dogs for fighting, and cockfighting and bear-baiting.

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Figaro. MAN: He's got a point.

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Eh? What?

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His name's Figaro, not Fido.

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If you keep your goats, they'll be able to do what they like.

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You see, in the past we've had standards, we've lost them,

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we've got to get them back, otherwise we'll be swamped.

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(BOTH SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

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Oh, and your tin of paint's here, Kenny,

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if you want to take it with you.

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All right?

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Yeah. Yeah.

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You!

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No ball games!

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Regulation colour, I see.

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It's their place. I'm happy to stick to their rules.

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Every time I pour a cup of tea I forget to drink it until it's cold.

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(LAUGHS) Come through.

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Would you like a cup of tea? Hello, you.

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Colour is, uh...is very important, yes?

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Yes. All the sheds have to be painted the same colour.

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Mmm. But not just the sheds.

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It's everyone.

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You know...when a plant

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wants to attract a bee, what does it do?

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Flowers?

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Colourful flowers.

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If you want to attract her, you're going to have to flower.

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Huh?

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MIRIAM: Mind the paint, it's still wet.

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Oh, it's quite cosy. Come in.

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I found these two chairs at the end of the road.

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It's good for him here.

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At home we grew things.

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His father grew a lot of things, so he feels like his father, I think.

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I think he's beginning to accept Desmond is dead.

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(SIGHS) DEBBIE: I'll tell you what I notice.

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When I ask how you are, you tell me how George is.

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Well, I'm good too.

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(CHILDREN SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

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(CHILDREN SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

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DEBBIE: Not working too hard, I hope.

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No. We've got big plans, though.

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(SIGHS HEAVILY)

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(SIGHS) Hmm.

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(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

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(PHOENIX SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

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WOMAN: Are they brown and crusty?

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Crusty brown ones? I don't know.

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I haven't looked that closely.

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Ooh! Ooh, can you turn that shirt down a bit?

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It's so loud it's deafening me.

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Take no notice, it's nice. It's got panache, that.

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Do you reckon? Yeah, definitely. Panache.

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Starting to make a bit of an effort? Who's that for, then?

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Leave him alone, you might put him off.

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(BOTH LAUGH)

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By the way, you're working too hard.

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If you cover the ground with this...

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Come on, I'll show you.

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Here.

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Cover the area.

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Then it gets you no sunlight.

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All the weeds and grass, they just die.

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I love this project.

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We were hoping they were gonna put him on tablets.

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My mother was on tablets.

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This is better. Pull it tight.

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You too, Mr Kung. It's OK. We can manage.

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Keep it tight.

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Plastic keeps the moisture in, keeps the sunlight out,

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then the potatoes grow.

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And, as they grow, they break up the soil.

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The potatoes dig the soil for you.

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All you do is wait and see.

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You don't have to wait right here.

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It takes some time.

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Come to our plot.

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I've put mine in already.

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You can see what they look like when they're sprouting.

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Thanks, by the way.

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Right.

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Thanks for that, Mike.

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Let's pop back to base and get the ball rolling.

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(READS) "To stop overflow when watering plants,

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"first make a well in the compost with a cane.

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"My husband was cultivating melons in his greenhouse.

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"They had grown so large we thought the stems might snap.

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"We made a wooden frame and used some of my old bras as cradles.

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"The melons sat quite happily and won the prize at our annual village show.

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"Anti-ageing formulation leaves your skin with that natural glow."

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Natural glow.

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(DOG BARKS) Figaro!

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Figaro! Hey, come here!

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Figaro! Figaro, come here, you little tripehound.

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He's not disgraced himself, has he?

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He's not left any messages?

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Come here. (BREATHES HEAVILY)

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Excuse me.

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You seem very out of breath.

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Are you on medication? What?

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Are you on medication? Yeah.

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What are you taking?

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Hmm. Here, come. Come on.

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Come, come. Come, please.

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Hmm. (TUTS)

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You take too many pills.

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How do you know?! You're not a doctor.

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Yes, I am a doctor. And you don't need these pills.

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Well, maybe that's a matter of opinion, eh?

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Maybe they do things differently where you come from.

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Well, this one here is for, uh...women problems.

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(GASPS) You have women problems?

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(LAUGHS SOFTLY) (LAUGHS SOFTLY)

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(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

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(BOTH LAUGH)

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Shut it. What does he know?

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Why...why would your doctor say you had women's trouble?

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I mean, he must be able to tell you're not a woman.

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I won't go to the doctor, all right?

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She worries about me, so she goes, tells him the symptoms,

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and she pretends it's her.

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He gives her the tablets and I take 'em. All right?

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(KETTLE WHISTLES) (BOTH LAUGH)

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KENNY: All right?

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Yeah, it's blue.

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Do you wanna make something of it?

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(MUTTERS) Nobody's bloody business, is my shed.

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(THUNDER RUMBLES)

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(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

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MAN: Yeah, well, actually, that's in the original Constitution of 1921.

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Fascinating stuff, eh? Right. OK.

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Gosh, this path could do with a bit of a tarmac, couldn't it?

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(LAUGHS) This is my plot, here.

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It's the most productive on the site.

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Hey, come here. You'll like this.

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Strawberry cradle.

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Easy for watering, stops rodents.

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On average I get - what? - double the yield.

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Invented it meself. That's excellent, that is.

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I'm impressed.

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It's gonna be a tough one, this, you know.

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A lot of people won't like it.

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John, tell me, were you a copper?

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35 years.

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Yeah, I thought so.

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The thing is, John, this is a tough one.

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And if it was just me on my lonesome I couldn't do it.

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Yeah, but you've got your colleague.

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Useless. It's you.

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You see, I know you can see this is the right thing for all concerned.

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And I think you're the kind of man that does the right thing, hmm?

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(PHONE RINGS) Carla Davis speaking.

0:29:240:29:25

What do you use that for? Cauliflowers.

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Makes 'em grow bigger.

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There's a prize for the biggest cauli in the show in September.

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He never wins it. It's all boxed off.

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The mayor judges the show,

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and the mayor, he used to be in the Masons with him.

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Now, now, no cynicism.

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You all shit in the same clog.

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(PHONE BEEPS)

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CARLA: Right. He was delightful.

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Right. Is this yours? Yep. Here we are, back at my plot.

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Council? Council.

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CARLA: Half of these are abandoned.

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Immigration?

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Immigration.

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Mike, come on.

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Wait there, John.

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Straight in, lads.

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Ah, we've got some raffle tickets, gents, if you want them.

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Two quid a pop, for the lifeboats. See Terry.

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Members only, this meeting, all right? Yeah.

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Hello. Yeah?

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So...we can't come in?

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Voting members only, as you know.

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We don't want to vote, we only want to know what's going on.

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What is going on is for voting members only.

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Yeah, but couldn't they, like, just come in and observe,

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like observer status in the United Nations?

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Who asked you? You said I'm in charge of the door.

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This is the door. Get inside.

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Ha. Kids, eh?

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(LAUGHS) You give 'em a bit of power and what happens?

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United Nations, for Christ's sake.

0:31:010:31:03

TERRY: Just put your plot number on the stub there.

0:31:070:31:09

Right, so, what we've got is guest speakers

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and then this thing about voting procedure.

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You should have had this about that.

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And then the issue of shed colour - namely, Kenny's shed.

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Any points of order?

0:31:250:31:27

Can we sort this shed colour business out first?

0:31:270:31:29

Oh, it's protocol. Guest speakers first.

0:31:290:31:31

Given the seriousness of the situation,

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namely that he is just taking the piss now,

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can we just waive the protocol?

0:31:360:31:38

No, we can't waive protocol.

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That's why it's protocol, so you can't waive it.

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Oh, I suppose a blue shed is protocol, is it?

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A blue shed is "any other business".

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(GROANS) (ALL MUTTER)

0:31:470:31:49

My name's Carla,

0:31:550:31:56

and myself and my colleague, Mike, over there,

0:31:560:31:59

we represent a mobile phone company.

0:31:590:32:03

We're here today because we've got permission to build a mast

0:32:030:32:07

on a plot of land within these allotments.

0:32:070:32:10

Now, one or two plots will be directly affected.

0:32:100:32:14

Well, they'll go, basically.

0:32:140:32:15

KENNY: Which plot? At the far end.

0:32:150:32:18

It's where the gyppos are. ALL: Ah!

0:32:180:32:21

We have some overseas guests who have plots down there.

0:32:210:32:24

It will be one of theirs that goes. Oh, well, that's not so bad, then.

0:32:240:32:28

No, but still...

0:32:280:32:29

We do realise that this will cause a certain amount of upheaval.

0:32:290:32:33

And, in consideration of that,

0:32:330:32:35

even though there's no obligation on us to do so,

0:32:350:32:38

we've decided to make a contribution to the funds of the committee.

0:32:380:32:41

MAN: That's interesting. KENNY: How much?

0:32:410:32:43

?5,000. (GASPS) 5,000.

0:32:430:32:46

Is it definitely gonna be one of the gyppo plots, then?

0:32:460:32:48

I'd say so. Five grand for one plot?

0:32:480:32:51

Yeah, we can't just take their plots away, though, can we?

0:32:510:32:53

Uh, well, I've looked into this, and, constitutionally, yes, we can.

0:32:530:32:57

Great.

0:32:570:32:59

Well, we've got a consensus, then.

0:32:590:33:01

Hey, look, these people have worked hard.

0:33:010:33:03

Their plots mean a lot to them.

0:33:030:33:04

Right, well, not quite a consensus, but on the way. (LAUGHS)

0:33:040:33:07

I think he's got a point. I mean, who are we to say?

0:33:070:33:10

Well... TERRY: Point of order.

0:33:100:33:12

He's becoming controversial

0:33:120:33:14

and philosophical in order to talk his shed off the agenda.

0:33:140:33:17

This is "questions from the floor" now, and that was a question!

0:33:170:33:21

This mast, what colour is it going to be?

0:33:210:33:23

Well, design's not really part of my portfolio, so...

0:33:230:33:26

What bloody difference does the colour make?

0:33:260:33:28

Oh, I thought colour was the big issue here.

0:33:280:33:30

Well, we can be quite flexible on appearance.

0:33:300:33:33

We usually finish the mast in a sympathetic wood cladding.

0:33:330:33:36

(MURMURING)

0:33:360:33:37

My question is, have you said everything you've got to say, girl?

0:33:370:33:41

Yes, I think so.

0:33:410:33:43

Right, then. Thank you very much, then.

0:33:430:33:45

OK. All right?

0:33:450:33:47

Now can we get on with this bloody meeting?

0:33:470:33:49

Where are you going? These aren't the only busy ones.

0:33:520:33:55

My toms need harding off. Well, you can't go now.

0:33:550:33:58

I can go whenever I like.

0:33:580:34:00

This is an allotment meeting, not the Moscow bloody show trials,

0:34:000:34:03

Marshal bloody Beria!

0:34:030:34:05

Can we do the raffle?

0:34:060:34:08

(DOOR SQUEAKS)

0:34:080:34:09

Please. All right?

0:34:090:34:11

What's happening - the man and woman?

0:34:110:34:13

Oh, them. Oh, them.

0:34:130:34:14

They're from a phone company, just some phone company.

0:34:140:34:17

A phone company?

0:34:170:34:18

They're gonna give us money, you know, for some community thing.

0:34:180:34:21

You mean they're not immigration? (LAUGHS) No.

0:34:210:34:23

They're not going to make difficulties?

0:34:230:34:25

Not difficulties, no.

0:34:250:34:27

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

0:34:290:34:31

Uh, the next thing is voting procedure,

0:34:350:34:37

which is a constitutional change

0:34:370:34:39

and therefore requires a simple majority of members to be present

0:34:390:34:43

in order to be quorate.

0:34:430:34:45

Now that Kenny and his mates have gone we are no longer quorate.

0:34:450:34:49

Oh, bloody hell.

0:34:490:34:50

So now can we do the raffle?

0:34:500:34:53

WOMAN: And the winner is...

0:34:550:34:57

..uh, plot number 22.

0:34:590:35:02

Oh...

0:35:020:35:04

..that's one of those overseas lot, isn't it?

0:35:040:35:06

I think it is, yeah.

0:35:060:35:08

It's terrible. They get everything, don't they?

0:35:080:35:10

Barbara, you can't say that. Well, I'm sorry, but it's true.

0:35:100:35:12

Is it Miriam's? I've no idea.

0:35:120:35:15

TERRY: Three pound of pork chops, three pound of sausage,

0:35:150:35:18

a side of bacon.

0:35:180:35:20

A chicken, a crate of ale,

0:35:210:35:24

a bottle of whisky, 200 cigarettes.

0:35:240:35:27

The ciggies, I should warn you, love, are shite.

0:35:270:35:31

MIRIAM: I'll put this stuff away.

0:35:380:35:39

George. Come and help me, George.

0:35:410:35:43

I told you someone was taking care of us, didn't I?

0:35:460:35:49

Hi. We're from a phone company.

0:35:490:35:51

A mobile phone company. I know.

0:35:510:35:53

Come in. Welcome to Miriam Land.

0:35:530:35:56

Would you like a drink?

0:35:560:35:58

Uh... We have beer, we have lots of beer.

0:35:580:36:00

We won it as a prize.

0:36:000:36:01

Do you want to see what we are growing?

0:36:010:36:03

Well, no, we're just... Touching base.

0:36:030:36:06

Touching base, exactly. Come and see.

0:36:060:36:09

I have beans and okra. (PHONE RINGS)

0:36:090:36:12

ALI: Phone company!

0:36:120:36:15

Hello, phone company. How are you?

0:36:150:36:17

I'm Ali. Good to see you. This is my wife, Soraya.

0:36:170:36:19

Oh, hello. We were just coming to... SORAYA: Hello.

0:36:190:36:21

How are you? Go through, go through.

0:36:210:36:22

Hello! Hello, phone company. So good to meet you.

0:36:220:36:25

So good. So good you are phone company and not something else.

0:36:250:36:29

(ALL LAUGH)

0:36:290:36:30

I'm going to cook for you!

0:36:300:36:32

ALI: Ah! She's a good cook. Not bad, she is good.

0:36:320:36:36

You won't eat meat? Why not? CARLA: I'm vegetarian.

0:36:360:36:39

Are you? Why?

0:36:390:36:41

You look like you are from big company.

0:36:530:36:55

We...we used to have some troubles with immigration.

0:36:550:36:57

But then it was...

0:36:570:36:59

..it was your Member of Parliament, he wrote letter about me.

0:36:590:37:02

He said, "He is school governor, he is a volunteer, he's..."

0:37:020:37:06

(ALI SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

0:37:060:37:08

I am... Good sort.

0:37:080:37:09

A good sort. (PHONE RINGS)

0:37:090:37:10

Oh. Sorry, excuse me. I'm just gonna take this.

0:37:100:37:13

So we are hopeful. Hello?

0:37:130:37:14

MIKE: Great.

0:37:140:37:16

Uh-huh.

0:37:160:37:17

MIRIAM: I have cigarettes and ale

0:37:170:37:19

and meat.

0:37:190:37:21

They are prizes from the raffle.

0:37:220:37:24

I have the prizes even though I didn't enter.

0:37:240:37:26

That's because somebody's looking after me.

0:37:260:37:28

They are looking after me very well.

0:37:280:37:29

Even my tea's still warm.

0:37:320:37:33

God keeps your tea warm?

0:37:330:37:35

Not God.

0:37:360:37:37

Desmond, my late husband.

0:37:370:37:40

He's taking care of us.

0:37:400:37:41

Go. Go on.

0:37:420:37:44

Good? Mmm, very good.

0:37:450:37:47

When my father comes back he'll be impressed.

0:37:490:37:52

Where's your father? My mother thinks he is dead.

0:37:520:37:56

She gives up too easily.

0:37:560:37:57

Rightio. (TURNS ON RADIO)

0:38:120:38:14

ANNOUNCER: ..our Cuban half-hour.

0:38:160:38:18

(CUBAN MUSIC PLAYS)

0:38:180:38:21

EDDIE: Where's he off to? CHARLIE: No idea.

0:38:270:38:29

BARBARA: Hi.

0:38:330:38:34

(BEE BUZZES) CHARLIE: Any chance of a sausage?

0:38:370:38:38

Attracted to your shirt, John?

0:38:400:38:42

What? The bee.

0:38:420:38:44

It's attracted to your shirt.

0:38:450:38:47

A lot of us are, you know.

0:38:470:38:48

It's not one of mine.

0:38:500:38:52

What?

0:38:520:38:53

The bee.

0:38:530:38:55

That's a white-tailed bee, you get them everywhere.

0:38:550:38:57

I only keep great yellows. Practically extinct now.

0:38:590:39:02

You used to get them all the way down to Cornwall,

0:39:020:39:04

and now it's just the Orkneys and Blacktree Road Allotments.

0:39:040:39:07

Well, if you two are going to, um... talk about the birds and the bees,

0:39:070:39:11

I'll...I'll go and get myself a chipolata.

0:39:110:39:13

I don't actually know anything about birds, it's only bees.

0:39:200:39:22

Right.

0:39:220:39:24

Well, I'm just gonna... just gonna get a beer.

0:39:240:39:26

OK, then. OK, bye.

0:39:310:39:32

So, what do you think? Nothing like frozen.

0:39:340:39:36

I wouldn't have known it was the same vegetable.

0:39:360:39:38

No, thanks. This is ideal, this plot, from an access point of view.

0:39:380:39:42

I can smell meat and garlic!

0:39:460:39:49

Our position on alfresco culinary preparation is very clear.

0:39:490:39:53

I'm surprised at you. This is betrayal of what we stand for, this.

0:39:530:39:56

Right, come on.

0:39:560:39:58

(CLAPS) Party's over. Hey, that's...that's my ball.

0:39:580:40:01

You can't just take his ball. We discussed this in committee.

0:40:020:40:05

If you wanna raise an objection

0:40:050:40:07

you have to go through the proper channels.

0:40:070:40:08

Come on, Mr John, don't be so mean.

0:40:080:40:11

Mean?

0:40:120:40:14

The ball.

0:40:140:40:16

I'd be nice to me, if I were you.

0:40:180:40:20

I'd be very nice to me.

0:40:220:40:23

Why is that?

0:40:230:40:26

Never you mind why.

0:40:270:40:28

KENNY: What are they, anyway?

0:40:510:40:52

Only, it better not be anything dodgy.

0:40:550:40:57

Drugs, like. Cannabis.

0:40:570:40:59

Or bloody sunflowers.

0:40:590:41:01

Or delphiniums - I can't stand the sight of them.

0:41:010:41:04

I don't want to be looking at delphiniums all day.

0:41:040:41:07

Shark...fin melon.

0:41:170:41:19

Shark fin melon.

0:41:240:41:26

Shark fin melon?

0:41:260:41:28

Oh, that's all right, then!

0:41:280:41:30

Nobody minds a bit of shark fin melon, do they?

0:41:300:41:33

(CLEARS THROAT)

0:42:170:42:18

Hello.

0:42:200:42:22

Erm...I noticed that the rabbits have eaten all your cabbages,

0:42:220:42:26

and I haven't planted mine - I've got plenty.

0:42:260:42:29

Oh, thank you very much.

0:42:290:42:31

Lovely.

0:42:330:42:35

Your old man's not knocking about, is he?

0:42:390:42:41

Of course.

0:42:410:42:43

Only, when I get up quick, say, after I've been weeding,

0:42:430:42:46

I get these spots in front of me eyes.

0:42:460:42:48

If you wait there, he'll see you in a moment.

0:42:500:42:52

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

0:42:560:42:57

There you go. Thank you very much.

0:43:070:43:10

You're very welcome.

0:43:100:43:11

Best I've ever had. Never felt better since he come along.

0:43:140:43:17

He's got the touch. He helped me with a problem I had.

0:43:170:43:20

Aye. I heard you had a spot of women's trouble.

0:43:200:43:23

The point is, once these phone people move in

0:43:230:43:25

we're gonna lose one of our guests.

0:43:250:43:27

And, between you and me, they've left it up to me which one.

0:43:270:43:30

Well, I'm gonna make sure it's not this fella.

0:43:300:43:33

I mean, he's an asset, isn't he? We don't wanna lose an asset.

0:43:330:43:36

Yeah, but we don't wanna lose Miriam either.

0:43:360:43:37

Why's that?

0:43:370:43:39

Well, cos she's...she's put in so much work, hasn't she?

0:43:390:43:43

She got a nice show of beans.

0:43:430:43:44

What - so I'm gonna say to these phone people,

0:43:440:43:47

"We don't want your five grand

0:43:470:43:48

"because this woman's got a lovely show of beans"?

0:43:480:43:50

It's gonna be a tough decision. I'll tell you that much.

0:43:510:43:55

When people say it's a tough decision, Mike,

0:43:580:44:00

what they mean is they want a present.

0:44:000:44:03

That's what working with the grain of the community means -

0:44:030:44:05

buying people off.

0:44:050:44:06

Come on. Let's do it.

0:44:080:44:11

MIKE: We thought you'd like to acquaint yourselves with our product.

0:44:110:44:15

You know, we're gonna be working together,

0:44:150:44:16

and these phones are what we're all about - communication.

0:44:160:44:20

Yeah? Well, enjoy them.

0:44:200:44:22

You can download ringtones and assign them to different people

0:44:220:44:25

so you can tell who's ringing.

0:44:250:44:27

For instance, if mine does this...

0:44:270:44:30

(PRESSES KEYS) RINGTONE: # Hard work... #

0:44:310:44:34

That means that's my boss, Carla, who's ringing.

0:44:340:44:36

# Hard work, work

0:44:360:44:38

# Hard work... # (TURNS OFF RINGTONE)

0:44:390:44:42

(KEYS BEEP)

0:44:420:44:43

(KEYS BEEP)

0:44:460:44:48

(ME AND MRS JONES RINGTONE PLAYS) Ah! Ha, ha.

0:44:500:44:53

(LAUGHS)

0:44:540:44:56

His name's Jones.

0:44:560:44:57

His missus...his missus is...

0:44:590:45:01

..Mrs Jones.

0:45:020:45:05

SONG: # Me and Mrs Jones... #

0:45:050:45:09

(RINGS BELL)

0:45:090:45:11

(DOOR OPENS) Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.

0:45:120:45:14

Big... Are you going out?

0:45:140:45:15

Pilates. I got some, uh...

0:45:150:45:17

(ENGINE STARTS)

0:45:170:45:18

(TURNS OFF RINGTONE)

0:45:220:45:23

This will do for my missus.

0:45:260:45:27

(RABBIT RINGTONE PLAYS) (LAUGHS)

0:45:270:45:30

SONG: # Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit Yap, yap, rabbit

0:45:300:45:32

# Yap, yap, yap, rabbit Rabbit, bunny, jabber, yap

0:45:320:45:34

# Rabbit, bunny, jabber, rabbit Yap, yap, rabbit, rabbit, bunny

0:45:340:45:37

# Yap, jabber, rabbit. #

0:45:370:45:38

Aye-aye? Hello, love.

0:45:380:45:39

Your tea's ready. Oh, good. What are we having?

0:45:390:45:41

Liver and onions.

0:45:410:45:42

(BIG SPENDER RINGTONE PLAYS)

0:45:420:45:45

That will do for her. Yeah.

0:45:470:45:50

SONG: # The minute you walked in the joint

0:45:500:45:53

# I could see you were a man of distinction

0:45:540:45:58

# A real big spender

0:45:580:46:00

# Good-looking, so refined

0:46:000:46:04

# Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind?

0:46:040:46:08

# So let me get right to the point

0:46:080:46:10

# I don't pop my cork for every guy I see

0:46:110:46:15

# Hey, big spender

0:46:170:46:19

# Spend

0:46:210:46:24

# A little time with me

0:46:240:46:28

# Wouldn't you like to have fun, fun, fun?

0:46:280:46:33

# Howsabout a few laughs, laughs?

0:46:330:46:37

# I can show you a... #

0:46:370:46:39

..fine day, a sunny day.

0:46:390:46:40

We've got light winds coming in from the south-west.

0:46:400:46:42

That will be nice. Thanks, love. There could be a touch of frost.

0:46:420:46:45

Gardeners might want to protect those tender plants.

0:46:450:46:47

All right, I'll do that, thanks.

0:46:470:46:49

(PHONES RING AND RINGTONES PLAY)

0:46:510:46:55

(PHONES RING) It's about your shed again.

0:46:570:46:59

It will take a bigger man than anyone here

0:46:590:47:02

to raise their hand and vote against my shed.

0:47:020:47:04

BIG JOHN: Phones off, please. You can enjoy them later on.

0:47:040:47:06

Right, first item - voting procedure.

0:47:070:47:09

Followed by item two - colour of sheds.

0:47:090:47:12

Has everyone had this about voting procedure?

0:47:120:47:15

Proposed changes that were appropriate.

0:47:160:47:18

We have a secret ballot rather than a show of hands. Proposed?

0:47:180:47:23

Seconded. Those in favour?

0:47:240:47:26

Carried. Next item, colour of sheds.

0:47:280:47:30

Proposed, to take stringent methods

0:47:310:47:34

to re-enforce colour regulation.

0:47:340:47:36

ie, all sheds to be painted regulation red.

0:47:360:47:40

Proposed?

0:47:410:47:42

Seconded? Proceed to vote.

0:47:440:47:46

By secret ballot.

0:47:470:47:49

Secret what?

0:47:510:47:52

We've just voted on a change to voting procedure.

0:47:520:47:55

That was the change. We've changed to secret ballots.

0:47:550:48:00

You voted for it yourself.

0:48:000:48:02

Collect 'em up, John. Quick as you can.

0:48:110:48:13

Here.

0:48:160:48:18

One against, the rest in favour.

0:48:250:48:28

ONE against? What about...

0:48:280:48:30

What about you two?

0:48:310:48:32

Kenny.

0:48:350:48:36

(DOOR SLAMS) Kenny.

0:48:360:48:38

Kenny, come on, you can't...

0:48:390:48:41

Shut it!

0:48:410:48:43

All right, lad?

0:49:320:49:34

You missed a bit.

0:50:170:50:18

Her skin has that natural glow.

0:50:400:50:42

But...

0:50:450:50:47

..you can't really tell from a photo, can you?

0:50:470:50:49

She looks nice enough, like.

0:50:520:50:54

She's gone now.

0:51:010:51:03

Years since.

0:51:030:51:04

I was at sea.

0:51:070:51:10

We were all right then.

0:51:100:51:11

We used to write to each other, and everything.

0:51:110:51:13

Then I jacked it all in. Next thing I knew, she was gone.

0:51:140:51:17

I never talk about her.

0:51:190:51:21

This lot think I've still got her, but she's gone.

0:51:210:51:23

Do you have a book?

0:51:270:51:28

A what? A book to read.

0:51:300:51:34

In English.

0:51:340:51:35

I only like talking to you cos you can't understand what I'm saying.

0:51:350:51:39

(TOILET FLUSHES)

0:51:400:51:42

(AEROSOL CAN HISSES)

0:51:420:51:44

Potting-on time? Oh, yeah.

0:51:550:51:56

Well, when something's ready you have to let it out, don't you?

0:51:560:52:00

Yeah.

0:52:020:52:04

And if you don't make a move forward, well...

0:52:040:52:06

It gets pot-bound. Like a passionflower, maybe.

0:52:090:52:12

(SNIGGERS)

0:52:300:52:32

Hello. This way.

0:52:320:52:35

He's waiting to see you now.

0:52:360:52:38

Thank you. Hello, Doctor. Hello, Mr John. So, how is it?

0:52:410:52:44

Well, it's like I want to wee, but I can't.

0:52:440:52:46

Ali! Ali!

0:53:090:53:10

(SORAYA SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

0:53:100:53:15

Dr Ali Masilou of Flat 2, 4 Salisbury House?

0:53:170:53:20

Only, you don't actually live at your registered address,

0:53:200:53:22

do you, Dr Masilou, for some reason?

0:53:220:53:25

As you know, your application for asylum has been rejected

0:53:250:53:28

and your right to appeal has been exhausted.

0:53:280:53:31

Under the Immigration Act of 1989, we are therefore here to remove you

0:53:310:53:35

to a designated detention centre.

0:53:350:53:37

No, no. Please, there's a mistake.

0:53:370:53:39

I have a letter from MP. Can I see this, please?

0:53:390:53:42

Your copy of the letter was sent to your registered address.

0:53:420:53:44

No, no. No, that's not correct.

0:53:440:53:46

I have to ask you again, are you going to come voluntarily?

0:53:460:53:49

Where?

0:53:500:53:52

Please...don't do this.

0:53:520:53:56

You cannot do this. Please, no. No, no, no, no, no.

0:53:560:53:58

No, no, no. Not here, please. No. (ALL SHOUT)

0:53:580:54:01

Please, no! Where are you going?!

0:54:010:54:03

Don't touch my son!

0:54:030:54:05

Put that kid down! Hey, put him down!

0:54:050:54:07

(CONFUSED SHOUTING)

0:54:070:54:10

Give my son back! Leave her alone! You can't take him!

0:54:100:54:12

These are valued members of our community. Aren't they?

0:54:120:54:15

Hey! Aren't they?

0:54:150:54:17

I can assure you, sir, this is all proper procedure.

0:54:170:54:19

Oh, what's proper about it? Get in the vehicle, please.

0:54:190:54:22

You make me ashamed!

0:54:220:54:24

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

0:54:240:54:26

Where's the sense in it?

0:54:470:54:49

The man's a doctor. How can you have too many doctors?

0:54:490:54:52

They've chucked this lad out of the country who was a good lad,

0:54:530:54:56

and we're keeping hold of all this rubbish.

0:54:560:54:57

What rubbish is that, Kenny?

0:54:590:55:01

People who leave their chewing gum under the seats on buses.

0:55:010:55:03

Why can't they deport them and leave all the doctors here?

0:55:030:55:07

People who collect their kids from school

0:55:070:55:09

and they've got their pyjamas on.

0:55:090:55:11

That lot off the telly. What lot off the telly?

0:55:110:55:13

All of 'em.

0:55:130:55:15

Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton doesn't live here.

0:55:150:55:18

I don't care where she lives. They should get rid of her anyway.

0:55:180:55:21

Charlotte Church! Oh, Charlotte Church.

0:55:210:55:23

Peter Andre! Peter bloody Andre.

0:55:230:55:26

KENNY AND CHARLIE: Peter bloody Andre!

0:55:260:55:28

Justin bloody Timberlake. Right, yeah.

0:55:280:55:30

Oh, yeah. David Hasselhoff.

0:55:300:55:32

ALL: David Hasselhoff.

0:55:320:55:35

Actually, scrub that. Yeah?

0:55:350:55:37

The 100% dog's breath, worst of the lot of them...

0:55:370:55:40

Yeah? Who?

0:55:400:55:42

You two.

0:55:420:55:43

What?

0:55:430:55:45

You traitorous, 40-faced, arse-licking lackeys!

0:55:450:55:49

Secret bloody ballot!

0:55:490:55:51

Would you like to wait in here for a moment? I won't be long.

0:56:540:56:57

You've not come here without me telling you to before.

0:56:590:57:02

Is that a good sign or a bad one?

0:57:030:57:05

You know, you were doing really well before they took Ali away.

0:57:080:57:12

You were working on the plot, you were growing things.

0:57:130:57:16

Kung Sang, you need to talk.

0:57:210:57:23

You know you do.

0:57:250:57:27

Dolce and Gabbana.

0:57:560:57:58

What about 'em?

0:57:590:58:01

Well, you could deport them, couldn't you, Kenny?

0:58:020:58:05

Dolce and Gabbana, aye.

0:58:070:58:09

Tony and Cherie.

0:58:100:58:13

Definite, yeah. Oh, cripes. Yeah.

0:58:130:58:15

Van Morrison. What?

0:58:150:58:17

What's he playing at? At his age.

0:58:170:58:19

Hey, I tell you who could go, my missus.

0:58:200:58:22

Your missus, yeah. And my missus and all, she could go with her.

0:58:220:58:25

Oh, aye, and mine too.

0:58:250:58:27

The mother-in-law.

0:58:270:58:28

And that snotty cow from the post office.

0:58:280:58:30

She could go.

0:58:300:58:32

Simon Cowell. Oh, yeah.

0:58:320:58:34

Ozzy Osbourne. And Sharon.

0:58:340:58:37

Bob the Builder. What?

0:58:370:58:39

Well, he's overcapitalised, isn't he?

0:58:390:58:42

I mean, there's only him and Wendy - look at all the plant they've got.

0:58:420:58:44

Muck, Scoop, Dizzy, a crane.

0:58:440:58:47

What's he need a bloody crane for?

0:58:470:58:49

All he ever does is build a wall. There you go.

0:58:490:58:51

Kenny!

0:58:520:58:53

I need your help.

0:58:550:58:57

Well, you're gonna have to tidy up all this rubbish.

0:59:070:59:09

And these weeds will have to come out.

0:59:090:59:11

Go on, then.

0:59:110:59:13

What? Go on.

0:59:130:59:14

(MUTTERS)

0:59:170:59:20

Well, come on, then.

0:59:230:59:25

I'm not doing it on me own.

0:59:250:59:26

(SIGHS) Who needs to have a door on an allotment?

0:59:300:59:34

That's looking a bit smarter.

0:59:420:59:44

Thanks.

0:59:440:59:46

What exactly are you doing?

1:00:111:00:13

You know, liaising.

1:00:131:00:15

Working with the community. Had some problem with his weeds.

1:00:151:00:18

What's the point in solving his weed problem

1:00:181:00:19

if you're gonna concrete his plot?

1:00:191:00:21

We won't be concreting his plot. We don't know, do we?

1:00:211:00:23

It's up to logistics, isn't it? Well, yeah.

1:00:231:00:26

But that plot's finished with, isn't it?

1:00:261:00:27

We could use that plot without upsetting anyone.

1:00:271:00:29

You know, working with the grain of the community.

1:00:291:00:31

We are community relations.

1:00:311:00:33

Where the mast goes is logistics.

1:00:331:00:35

It's not your pigeon, it's theirs.

1:00:351:00:38

I thought you said it was that guy's pigeon - the chairman.

1:00:381:00:40

I only said that so he'd think he was in the loop.

1:00:401:00:42

I'm only trying to think outside the box.

1:00:421:00:44

We need to think outside the box and inside your pigeon.

1:00:441:00:47

(PHONE RINGS) Carla Davis.

1:00:471:00:49

Hello. Hi.

1:00:521:00:54

No, no, no, everything's going great.

1:00:541:00:56

Kenny!

1:01:111:01:12

What do you want now? Can you buy me some chips, please?

1:01:121:01:15

Can't your dad feed ya?

1:01:151:01:17

Come on, then.

1:01:201:01:21

You won't get chips like this in a chippie.

1:01:391:01:41

(SIZZLING)

1:01:461:01:49

There you go.

1:01:501:01:51

What do you reckon?

1:01:541:01:56

Are you sure he's been feeding ya?

1:02:001:02:02

Oh, don't let me interrupt ya.

1:02:041:02:05

Hmm.

1:02:101:02:11

I'm just looking at all this bloody washing-up now.

1:02:141:02:17

I've got to go.

1:02:171:02:18

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

1:02:251:02:28

(RINGS DOORBELL)

1:02:451:02:46

(DOOR OPENS)

1:02:501:02:51

Book.

1:02:581:02:59

I thought you might be interested.

1:02:591:03:01

When I was at sea I couldn't settle on a good book.

1:03:031:03:06

So I had this, you know. It's poems.

1:03:071:03:10

Been everywhere with me, that one. Valparaiso, Zanzibar, whatever.

1:03:121:03:15

A few good ones in there. Quite a lot of shite.

1:03:161:03:20

Your plot's all right, if that's what you're worried about.

1:03:251:03:28

Your lad's done a great job there.

1:03:291:03:31

You must have done a great job of him, mind you,

1:03:331:03:35

cos he's a great lad.

1:03:351:03:36

MAN: All right, mate? Oi.

1:04:561:04:57

You can't stand there.

1:04:571:04:59

You can't stand there, mate. You have to move.

1:05:001:05:02

I have two children.

1:05:071:05:09

I brought them here...

1:05:121:05:13

..in one of those.

1:05:151:05:17

We had to leave China because of me.

1:05:211:05:24

Some businessmen came from the city.

1:05:271:05:29

They wanted to take our land...

1:05:321:05:34

..to build their offices.

1:05:361:05:38

I said, "No, this is not right."

1:05:391:05:42

I went to speak to the authorities.

1:05:451:05:47

I just made things worse.

1:05:511:05:52

There was a...big fight.

1:05:561:05:58

They threatened my family.

1:06:021:06:04

So we had to leave.

1:06:071:06:09

Their mother...

1:06:171:06:18

..died on the way.

1:06:241:06:26

We sat with her body...

1:06:341:06:37

..all those days.

1:06:391:06:40

If a man says too much...

1:06:511:06:54

..things get worse.

1:06:561:06:58

In my book, mate, you got something to say, you should say it.

1:07:021:07:05

Just stay away from the fence, all right, mate?

1:07:051:07:07

Twist-Ems for tying peas to pea poles.

1:07:231:07:26

Um...no, I don't think so.

1:07:271:07:30

You wouldn't use a bit of string?

1:07:301:07:32

No, string burns the stems. I'm looking for a plastic.

1:07:321:07:34

Oh. Well, we'll have to see what we can do.

1:07:341:07:38

Cos if there's no flowers, there's no peas.

1:07:381:07:40

Yeah, I know that.

1:07:421:07:43

(SIGHS AND URINATES) Um...

1:07:531:07:55

No flower, do you see?

1:08:001:08:02

Cos you've got to blossom, haven't you?

1:08:031:08:06

Otherwise there's no fruit.

1:08:061:08:08

See what I'm saying?

1:08:091:08:11

Cos you might feel all safe tucked up in your bud,

1:08:131:08:16

but there comes a point where you've got to spread your petals.

1:08:161:08:20

Haven't you?

1:08:201:08:22

Otherwise, as I said, no fruit.

1:08:231:08:26

(TOILET FLUSHES)

1:08:261:08:27

Think about it.

1:08:311:08:32

Oh, no.

1:08:571:08:58

I was... MIRIAM: You did that before?

1:09:241:09:26

You do it all the time.

1:09:291:09:30

Whenever I can.

1:09:301:09:32

(GASPS)

1:09:321:09:33

I like to make sure you're all right, because...well...

1:09:331:09:38

..cos the fact...

1:09:381:09:39

All this time...all this time I think he's looking out for me.

1:09:391:09:42

You buy raffle tickets too?

1:09:441:09:46

Yeah.

1:09:461:09:47

That was YOU?

1:09:491:09:50

Oh, my God.

1:09:521:09:55

I think Desmond is looking out for me.

1:09:551:09:58

He's not looking out for me. No, but I am.

1:09:581:10:00

I'm looking out for you because...

1:10:011:10:03

If he's not looking out for me, where is he?

1:10:031:10:05

I am happy when he's looking out for me,

1:10:051:10:08

because he is dead, OK, but he is still with me.

1:10:081:10:11

If he's not here, where is he?

1:10:111:10:13

I'm on my own.

1:10:151:10:16

No, you're not, because... Because what?!

1:10:161:10:20

Because...

1:10:201:10:21

..because...

1:10:231:10:24

..you are very well thought of.

1:10:281:10:30

Go.

1:10:341:10:35

Leave me alone.

1:10:371:10:39

Just leave me alone.

1:10:391:10:41

You and your stupid, stupid, stupid, horrible shirt!

1:10:411:10:46

Well, hello, Hawaii.

1:10:461:10:49

Is that a shirt?

1:10:491:10:50

Looks more like an accident in a paint factory.

1:10:501:10:54

Hey, have you seen this shirt?!

1:10:541:10:56

It's that loud it could have its own ASBO.

1:10:561:10:58

(LAUGHTER)

1:10:581:11:00

I don't believe it.

1:11:001:11:02

(LAUGHS)

1:11:021:11:04

What have I bred?

1:11:041:11:06

BIG JOHN: Made a right fool of himself.

1:11:211:11:23

Hopefully that's knocked all that out of him.

1:11:241:11:26

Chasing women. (LAUGHS)

1:11:271:11:30

I mean...who'd have him?

1:11:301:11:32

(OPENS DOOR)

1:11:341:11:36

(DOOR CLOSES)

1:11:381:11:40

I thought your shirts were nice, John.

1:11:401:11:41

What's up with you?

1:11:431:11:45

I thought they were...nice.

1:11:461:11:49

(SIGHS)

1:11:521:11:54

(SOBS)

1:11:551:11:57

What's up with her? Your dad is right about you.

1:11:581:12:01

You are useless.

1:12:011:12:03

(SIGHS)

1:12:031:12:05

She thought the shirts were for her.

1:12:051:12:06

What - she wanted my shirts?

1:12:081:12:10

(SIGHS) She thought you were wearing them...

1:12:101:12:14

..for her.

1:12:151:12:16

Oh.

1:12:161:12:18

Oh...!

1:12:241:12:25

John. I'll do it, you wait here.

1:12:281:12:30

John, I've got something for you.

1:12:301:12:33

A-ha. How about that?

1:12:331:12:35

(LAUGHS) Thank you very much.

1:12:351:12:37

It's our pleasure.

1:12:371:12:38

Don't spend it all at once.

1:12:401:12:42

Can I enter this in the show?

1:12:421:12:44

What is it? It's okra.

1:12:441:12:47

Unfortunately, we don't have a category for alien species.

1:12:471:12:50

(SNIGGERS) Okra is a kind of hibiscus, I think.

1:12:501:12:54

I think it's a mallow. Not on these allotments it's not.

1:12:541:12:56

They'll eat anything, won't they?

1:12:561:12:59

Quite good value for one plot, eh?

1:12:591:13:01

(LAUGHS) You're telling me.

1:13:011:13:04

KENNY: It weren't me.

1:13:251:13:26

It was your lad.

1:13:261:13:28

He really put some back into it, you know.

1:13:291:13:31

Good.

1:13:341:13:36

CHARLIE: Well, what do you think?

1:13:371:13:38

These are all right, aren't they?

1:13:381:13:40

MIRIAM: Oh, my God.

1:13:571:13:59

DEBBIE: I take it this is your husband?

1:14:081:14:10

There was some confusion over the name thing. I checked.

1:14:111:14:14

You were on the wrong database.

1:14:151:14:17

I thought you were dead.

1:14:191:14:21

No...I'm not dead.

1:14:211:14:24

I've been in Leicester.

1:14:261:14:28

(LAUGHS)

1:14:281:14:29

BIG JOHN: So, the issue is how we allocate this money

1:14:411:14:45

from the phone people.

1:14:451:14:46

CHARLIE: What you gonna do with it, John?

1:14:461:14:48

Well, obviously, it's a priority to make this meeting area more viable.

1:14:481:14:53

We want proper seating, decent lighting,

1:14:531:14:55

maybe a raised area back here.

1:14:551:14:58

In other words, a throne for His Lordship here.

1:14:581:15:00

The committee is open to suggestions, if you've got any better ideas.

1:15:001:15:03

I do have a better idea, as it happens.

1:15:031:15:05

Security. SOME: Good idea.

1:15:051:15:08

Well, security is an issue, obviously.

1:15:081:15:10

We had an incident down our end just a couple of weeks back.

1:15:101:15:13

Involving a dibber. That's right, involving a dibber.

1:15:131:15:16

I was wondering when you were getting around to it.

1:15:161:15:18

What we need is razor wire, or, if we all chipped in,

1:15:181:15:22

we could have an on-site guard.

1:15:221:15:24

(ALL MURMUR)

1:15:241:15:26

(CLEARS THROAT)

1:15:281:15:29

So the motion is that we earmark the money from the phone people

1:15:311:15:34

to spend on increased security

1:15:341:15:36

rather than doing something about this place.

1:15:361:15:38

Vote away.

1:15:381:15:40

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

1:15:401:15:42

Are you ready?

1:15:421:15:44

You should be ready to get it off 'em as soon as they've finished writing.

1:15:441:15:47

Yes, put the pens in one hand and the papers in the other.

1:15:501:15:54

(MUTTERS)

1:15:541:15:55

The motion is carried. (APPLAUSE)

1:16:021:16:05

Is it the doctor lad's plot they're gonna use,

1:16:111:16:13

the one who they took away?

1:16:131:16:14

No, no, it don't suit. It's gonna be our Oriental pal's plot.

1:16:141:16:18

Motormouth. What?

1:16:181:16:20

You're the one who wanted increased security.

1:16:201:16:22

We've gotta pay for it somehow.

1:16:221:16:24

(OPENS DOOR)

1:16:261:16:28

(DOOR CLOSES)

1:16:301:16:31

So, they're pumpkins, are they? The mystery veg.

1:16:501:16:53

(LAUGHS) That's...a disappointment, isn't it? Pumpkins.

1:16:531:16:59

Except at Halloween.

1:17:001:17:01

Do you have Halloween?

1:17:021:17:04

(WEAKLY MIMICS GHOST)

1:17:041:17:06

You could still enter them in the show, mind you.

1:17:081:17:10

These are, uh...shark fin melon.

1:17:111:17:14

They make a wondrous soup.

1:17:151:17:17

It is a kind of squash.

1:17:191:17:22

It breaks into strands that look like shark meat.

1:17:221:17:26

Shark meat is very expensive, so this is the poor man's shark meat.

1:17:261:17:31

The poor man's luxury.

1:17:321:17:35

The soup is called strands of wonder.

1:17:351:17:38

PHOENIX: Mmm.

1:17:411:17:42

Thank you.

1:17:421:17:44

Wondrous? Wondrous.

1:17:501:17:53

MIRIAM: Wondrous.

1:17:541:17:55

I know what you're up to, and it's not gonna happen.

1:18:011:18:03

Well, I think the decision's... Will have to be changed.

1:18:031:18:06

There's a plot standing empty there with no-one in it.

1:18:061:18:09

But what can I do?

1:18:091:18:11

I can have a word. Mike!

1:18:111:18:13

I can only apologise, Steve.

1:18:161:18:18

I assure...

1:18:181:18:20

Of course, Steve.

1:18:201:18:22

I'll get right back to you. Many thanks. Bye.

1:18:221:18:24

What it is, a few of us have been having a talk,

1:18:251:18:28

we've decided against...

1:18:281:18:29

Against what? We want the lad to keep his plot.

1:18:291:18:32

He's worked hard on it. He's got these melons.

1:18:321:18:34

We've tried his soup, it's called strands of wonder soup.

1:18:341:18:36

OK. Oh, that's good.

1:18:361:18:39

It's fine. We don't actually need your approval.

1:18:391:18:41

How do you mean? Well, we don't need your permission.

1:18:421:18:46

We just wanted you to be happy.

1:18:461:18:47

If you're not happy, you're sad. What can I say? We tried.

1:18:471:18:50

I need a word with my colleague.

1:18:531:18:54

This is your first job, isn't it, Mike?

1:18:571:18:59

I used to do...

1:19:001:19:01

Jobseekers, JobSearch, Jobsworth, all on your back,

1:19:011:19:05

years on end, making your life a misery.

1:19:051:19:07

I know, I've been there.

1:19:071:19:09

And now we're not there, we're here, aren't we?

1:19:091:19:13

Yeah. Lovely.

1:19:131:19:15

Well, if you don't wanna go back there, start doing your job.

1:19:151:19:18

Because I can bust you back there quick as I like.

1:19:181:19:21

I can bust you back there so you stay there forever,

1:19:211:19:23

till you're an old man

1:19:231:19:25

still living on whatever horrible bloody estate it is you live on, OK?

1:19:251:19:27

Do you follow me? Lovely.

1:19:271:19:29

(MACHINERY ROARS)

1:19:391:19:42

You'll be interested to hear, the razor wire has arrived.

1:20:481:20:51

Oi. What are you doing?

1:20:541:20:57

Hang on a minute.

1:20:571:20:59

I boxed a bit, you know, when I was in the police.

1:20:591:21:02

Did ya? Yeah.

1:21:021:21:03

District champion two years running.

1:21:031:21:05

Aye.

1:21:091:21:11

You're barred!

1:21:121:21:14

You're never coming back to these allotments again, do you hear me?!

1:21:141:21:17

I hear ya. So what?

1:21:171:21:19

Barbara, look.

1:23:001:23:01

KENNY: What do you want? I have something to show you.

1:25:041:25:07

Is she gone an' all, is she?

1:25:241:25:25

Everyone wants you back.

1:25:361:25:38

Everyone?

1:25:411:25:43

There was an election.

1:25:431:25:46

A revolution.

1:25:481:25:50

(BARBARA WHISPERS)

1:25:501:25:52

WOMAN: To be honest, I can't tell one end of an artichoke from another.

1:25:521:25:55

(BARBARA WHISPERS) (WHISPERS) Well, if you say so.

1:25:551:25:57

(WOMEN WHISPER)

1:25:571:26:01

That one's way too big. 15 inches or over? Look at the state of it.

1:26:011:26:04

What we're looking for with a marrow, size isn't everything.

1:26:041:26:08

We're looking for the girth and the smoothness.

1:26:081:26:10

BIG JOHN: Unanimous.

1:26:121:26:14

That means you voted against your own father.

1:26:151:26:18

Yeah.

1:26:191:26:20

WOMAN: I'd like to thank your new chairwoman, Barbara,

1:26:261:26:29

for inviting me here today.

1:26:291:26:31

We in the council are very proud of our allotments policy.

1:26:311:26:35

Personally, I don't know much about gardening,

1:26:351:26:37

but I do know a lot about grass because of my Crown Green bowling.

1:26:371:26:41

Which is how Barbara and I became friends.

1:26:411:26:44

Another bloody stitch-up, then.

1:26:441:26:45

First prize of the day is

1:26:451:26:47

the cauliflower, dressed, with 3-inch stalk,

1:26:471:26:51

and that goes to plot number five.

1:26:511:26:53

Oh. (APPLAUSE)

1:26:541:26:56

Well done. Very good.

1:27:061:27:08

And on to the prize for the heaviest onion.

1:27:081:27:11

This goes to plot number three.

1:27:111:27:14

And that's me.

1:27:141:27:15

WOMAN: (LAUGHS) Well done, Barbara. (APPLAUSE)

1:27:151:27:19

Thanks, Pat.

1:27:191:27:21

Now we're moving to table marrow not to exceed 15 inches.

1:27:211:27:24

It's me again. (MURMURING)

1:27:261:27:29

Well done, Barbara, again!

1:27:291:27:31

Thank you. (LAUGHS)

1:27:311:27:32

Oh, bloody hell.

1:27:321:27:34

Oh, I hate all this. (MUTTERS) I'm not going in there.

1:27:341:27:39

Annual show.

1:27:391:27:40

I've had enough of all that.

1:27:421:27:43

(APPLAUSE)

1:28:591:29:02

So, finally...

1:29:031:29:06

..on to the Betty Ratcliffe Memorial Trophy

1:29:071:29:11

for the best overall plot.

1:29:111:29:14

And that goes to plot number 22.

1:29:141:29:17

(APPLAUSE)

1:29:171:29:21

Oh.

1:29:211:29:23

Well done. Congratulations.

1:29:231:29:26

Well, that concludes business. Sorry, standing too close.

1:29:321:29:35

Sorry. No. Don't be sorry.

1:29:351:29:37

I don't mind you being close.

1:29:371:29:39

BARBARA: ..for officiating this afternoon,

1:29:391:29:40

and looking forward to another happy year.

1:29:401:29:42

(APPLAUSE)

1:29:421:29:45

(SIGHS)

1:29:491:29:51

You missed a bit.

1:29:541:29:55

Sorry.

1:29:571:29:59

MUSIC: "Goin' Back To My Roots" by Lamont Dozier

1:30:051:30:09

# Zippin' up my boots

1:30:221:30:25

# Goin' back to my roots, yeah

1:30:261:30:31

# To the place of my birth

1:30:311:30:34

# Back down to earth

1:30:351:30:38

# I've been standing in the rain

1:30:401:30:42

# Drenched and soaked with pain

1:30:451:30:48

# Tired of short-term benefits

1:30:501:30:53

# And being exposed to the elements

1:30:541:30:58

# I'm homeward bound got my head turned around

1:30:581:31:03

# Going back to being myself

1:31:051:31:08

# I can't live with nobody else

1:31:091:31:13

# I've been living in a world of fantasy

1:31:141:31:17

# Cos I'm going back, I'm going back to reality

1:31:181:31:22

# I've been searching for ages, I get all the time

1:31:231:31:26

# Till happiness, happiness was just a state of mind

1:31:271:31:31

# I'm going back home, I'm going home

1:31:311:31:35

# I'm going back home where I belong

1:31:361:31:40

# Zippin' on my boots

1:31:461:31:48

# Goin' back to my roots, yeah

1:31:491:31:53

# To the place of my birth

1:31:541:31:56

# Back down to earth... #

1:31:581:32:01

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