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BOY: (READS) "An allotment is a piece of communal land
"divided into individual plots.
"For a small annual rent,
"it can be used by a person to grow his own food.
"For the British working man,
"the allotment has for more than a century provided
"a rustic oasis in the industrial desert...
"..or somewhere to escape to.
"But in the winter, when the ground is hard
"and nothing will grow, what can he do?
"He has to find some way to keep his passion alive.
"Even at Christmas time."
(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS)
BOY: "Tomato seeds can be planted as early as Boxing Day
"but must be kept in a place
"where they will receive both warmth and attention."
WOMAN: Oh, do they have to go on top of the telly, love?
Every year it's the same.
Why can't you put 'em upstairs on the windowsill in the spare room...
WOMAN TWO: Didn't you? Didn't you?
You got one last year exactly the same.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) (PARTY BLOWER HONKS)
BOY: "Unwanted furniture or bric-a-brac
"can be taken from the home
"and used for making improvements to the allotment."
WOMAN TWO: Eddie, what the hell have you done with my shelf?!
If you've taken it to your bloody allotment, I'll kill ya!
BOY: "Winter is also a time for reflection,
"a time to brush up on gardening knowledge
"with the help of a book or a television expert."
It doesn't matter whether it's well-rotted garden compost
or farmyard manure...
Manure! Funny you should mention manure.
You've only been talking it for half an hour.
You think just because you've got a nice woolly sweater
and a pair of wellingtons...
(CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES)
BOY: "With the arrival of spring comes relief.
"The British working man can return to his plot,
"ready for the hard physical work to begin."
(ALL CHEW NOISILY)
Go on, off you go.
MAN: Have you got any more Bourbons, Kenny?
Oi! Come here. Get off his plot.
It's just your dad she wants to see. I know. Yeah.
Your date of birth, Mr, um... September 20th, 1970.
Yunfu, People's... No, no, no, that's fine.
I'm sorry, just his birthday.
I'm so sorry, these notes are in a dreadful mess.
You can definitely speak English?
He can speak English, Cantonese, Mandarin, Russian.
That's fine. And he can speak French.
He speaks them all. Just not very often.
Your father's had a very bad experience.
Well, you all have.
You seem very strong.
Well, someone's got to be.
Phoenix, I've looked in here,
people have tried all sorts to get through to your dad.
I think we're running out of ideas.
Can't you just give him a tablet or something?
Make him like he used to be? There is something I can give him.
But I have to be honest with you, if it doesn't work,
then I think we might have to make some tough decisions.
You can't go on being the one in charge.
WOMAN: OK, this is us.
Thanks, Dave. OK, Debbie.
Don't look so worried, Miriam, I think you're gonna like it.
DEBBIE: Now, take your time, have a good look around.
Our plots are down the far end.
We've even got our own manure, you'll be pleased to hear.
If you follow me, we'll have a bit of an explore.
(PHOENIX SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(PHOENIX SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
DEBBIE: Are you OK there?
So, they're here, then. Morning.
WOMAN: Hiya! MAN: Hi.
MAN: Invasion's started...
This is Ali. He's been on the scheme for over a year now.
Can we grow okra? If you can make it grow.
It's up to you. Can we grow potatoes?
You know where I am.
But...it's forecast to rain later, though.
DEBBIE: We've got a tool bank, a seed bank, as much advice as you need.
PHOENIX: You said you were going to give him something.
We are, we're giving him an allotment.
..when a man's completely broken...
..you have to put him back together slowly, bit by bit.
Drugs don't always help.
But being outdoors, growing your own food -
well, like that over there, look -
that CAN help.
All right? (BELL RINGS)
My brother-in-law's had his name down for a plot here for years now!
How come these gyppos arrive, you can jump the queue just like this?
This one out there, he's got kids.
It's just basically gonna turn into some kinda kindergarten.
And, I'll tell you what, some of 'em eat dog.
All right, OK. Shh. Shh.
All right. Shh. Shh.
We are having an influx
and there's nothing we can do to stop that,
so we have to present a united front.
Good fences make good neighbours.
This is the original Constitution of the Blacktree Road Allotment, 1921.
Now, if we stick to the letter of the law, as outlined herein,
then our overseas guests won't have any comeback, will they,
when we object to their infringement?
WOMAN: Hear, hear.
Yeah, and we should be welcoming these people.
Exactly. We want to welcome them, but on our terms.
So we know where we stand and they know where they stand.
The solution is in our hands.
For instance, it says in here, it says...
(READS) .."All sheds...all the sheds have to be kept in good repair
"and painted regulation red."
MAN: I didn't know that. MAN TWO: The same colour?
"No alfresco culinary preparation."
WOMAN: What's that, then? No barbecues. All right?
It's all in here. "No ball games."
All right about that? Great.
"No livestock." What about my bees?
Bees? Yep, bees.
What about my goats?
Ah, well, if we allow your goats,
what are we gonna say to these gyppos when they come along with their dogs?
But Charlie's got a dog.
I'm not talking about bloody Fido here, am I?
I'm talking about dogs for fighting, and cockfighting and bear-baiting.
Figaro. MAN: He's got a point.
His name's Figaro, not Fido.
If you keep your goats, they'll be able to do what they like.
You see, in the past we've had standards, we've lost them,
we've got to get them back, otherwise we'll be swamped.
(BOTH SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Oh, and your tin of paint's here, Kenny,
if you want to take it with you.
No ball games!
Regulation colour, I see.
It's their place. I'm happy to stick to their rules.
Every time I pour a cup of tea I forget to drink it until it's cold.
(LAUGHS) Come through.
Would you like a cup of tea? Hello, you.
Colour is, uh...is very important, yes?
Yes. All the sheds have to be painted the same colour.
Mmm. But not just the sheds.
You know...when a plant
wants to attract a bee, what does it do?
If you want to attract her, you're going to have to flower.
MIRIAM: Mind the paint, it's still wet.
Oh, it's quite cosy. Come in.
I found these two chairs at the end of the road.
It's good for him here.
At home we grew things.
His father grew a lot of things, so he feels like his father, I think.
I think he's beginning to accept Desmond is dead.
(SIGHS) DEBBIE: I'll tell you what I notice.
When I ask how you are, you tell me how George is.
Well, I'm good too.
(CHILDREN SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(CHILDREN SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
DEBBIE: Not working too hard, I hope.
No. We've got big plans, though.
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(PHOENIX SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
WOMAN: Are they brown and crusty?
Crusty brown ones? I don't know.
I haven't looked that closely.
Ooh! Ooh, can you turn that shirt down a bit?
It's so loud it's deafening me.
Take no notice, it's nice. It's got panache, that.
Do you reckon? Yeah, definitely. Panache.
Starting to make a bit of an effort? Who's that for, then?
Leave him alone, you might put him off.
By the way, you're working too hard.
If you cover the ground with this...
Come on, I'll show you.
Cover the area.
Then it gets you no sunlight.
All the weeds and grass, they just die.
I love this project.
We were hoping they were gonna put him on tablets.
My mother was on tablets.
This is better. Pull it tight.
You too, Mr Kung. It's OK. We can manage.
Keep it tight.
Plastic keeps the moisture in, keeps the sunlight out,
then the potatoes grow.
And, as they grow, they break up the soil.
The potatoes dig the soil for you.
All you do is wait and see.
You don't have to wait right here.
It takes some time.
Come to our plot.
I've put mine in already.
You can see what they look like when they're sprouting.
Thanks, by the way.
Thanks for that, Mike.
Let's pop back to base and get the ball rolling.
(READS) "To stop overflow when watering plants,
"first make a well in the compost with a cane.
"My husband was cultivating melons in his greenhouse.
"They had grown so large we thought the stems might snap.
"We made a wooden frame and used some of my old bras as cradles.
"The melons sat quite happily and won the prize at our annual village show.
"Anti-ageing formulation leaves your skin with that natural glow."
(DOG BARKS) Figaro!
Figaro! Hey, come here!
Figaro! Figaro, come here, you little tripehound.
He's not disgraced himself, has he?
He's not left any messages?
Come here. (BREATHES HEAVILY)
You seem very out of breath.
Are you on medication? What?
Are you on medication? Yeah.
What are you taking?
Hmm. Here, come. Come on.
Come, come. Come, please.
You take too many pills.
How do you know?! You're not a doctor.
Yes, I am a doctor. And you don't need these pills.
Well, maybe that's a matter of opinion, eh?
Maybe they do things differently where you come from.
Well, this one here is for, uh...women problems.
(GASPS) You have women problems?
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Shut it. What does he know?
Why...why would your doctor say you had women's trouble?
I mean, he must be able to tell you're not a woman.
I won't go to the doctor, all right?
She worries about me, so she goes, tells him the symptoms,
and she pretends it's her.
He gives her the tablets and I take 'em. All right?
(KETTLE WHISTLES) (BOTH LAUGH)
KENNY: All right?
Yeah, it's blue.
Do you wanna make something of it?
(MUTTERS) Nobody's bloody business, is my shed.
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
MAN: Yeah, well, actually, that's in the original Constitution of 1921.
Fascinating stuff, eh? Right. OK.
Gosh, this path could do with a bit of a tarmac, couldn't it?
(LAUGHS) This is my plot, here.
It's the most productive on the site.
Hey, come here. You'll like this.
Easy for watering, stops rodents.
On average I get - what? - double the yield.
Invented it meself. That's excellent, that is.
It's gonna be a tough one, this, you know.
A lot of people won't like it.
John, tell me, were you a copper?
Yeah, I thought so.
The thing is, John, this is a tough one.
And if it was just me on my lonesome I couldn't do it.
Yeah, but you've got your colleague.
Useless. It's you.
You see, I know you can see this is the right thing for all concerned.
And I think you're the kind of man that does the right thing, hmm?
(PHONE RINGS) Carla Davis speaking.
What do you use that for? Cauliflowers.
Makes 'em grow bigger.
There's a prize for the biggest cauli in the show in September.
He never wins it. It's all boxed off.
The mayor judges the show,
and the mayor, he used to be in the Masons with him.
Now, now, no cynicism.
You all shit in the same clog.
CARLA: Right. He was delightful.
Right. Is this yours? Yep. Here we are, back at my plot.
CARLA: Half of these are abandoned.
Mike, come on.
Wait there, John.
Straight in, lads.
Ah, we've got some raffle tickets, gents, if you want them.
Two quid a pop, for the lifeboats. See Terry.
Members only, this meeting, all right? Yeah.
So...we can't come in?
Voting members only, as you know.
We don't want to vote, we only want to know what's going on.
What is going on is for voting members only.
Yeah, but couldn't they, like, just come in and observe,
like observer status in the United Nations?
Who asked you? You said I'm in charge of the door.
This is the door. Get inside.
Ha. Kids, eh?
(LAUGHS) You give 'em a bit of power and what happens?
United Nations, for Christ's sake.
TERRY: Just put your plot number on the stub there.
Right, so, what we've got is guest speakers
and then this thing about voting procedure.
You should have had this about that.
And then the issue of shed colour - namely, Kenny's shed.
Any points of order?
Can we sort this shed colour business out first?
Oh, it's protocol. Guest speakers first.
Given the seriousness of the situation,
namely that he is just taking the piss now,
can we just waive the protocol?
No, we can't waive protocol.
That's why it's protocol, so you can't waive it.
Oh, I suppose a blue shed is protocol, is it?
A blue shed is "any other business".
(GROANS) (ALL MUTTER)
My name's Carla,
and myself and my colleague, Mike, over there,
we represent a mobile phone company.
We're here today because we've got permission to build a mast
on a plot of land within these allotments.
Now, one or two plots will be directly affected.
Well, they'll go, basically.
KENNY: Which plot? At the far end.
It's where the gyppos are. ALL: Ah!
We have some overseas guests who have plots down there.
It will be one of theirs that goes. Oh, well, that's not so bad, then.
No, but still...
We do realise that this will cause a certain amount of upheaval.
And, in consideration of that,
even though there's no obligation on us to do so,
we've decided to make a contribution to the funds of the committee.
MAN: That's interesting. KENNY: How much?
?5,000. (GASPS) 5,000.
Is it definitely gonna be one of the gyppo plots, then?
I'd say so. Five grand for one plot?
Yeah, we can't just take their plots away, though, can we?
Uh, well, I've looked into this, and, constitutionally, yes, we can.
Well, we've got a consensus, then.
Hey, look, these people have worked hard.
Their plots mean a lot to them.
Right, well, not quite a consensus, but on the way. (LAUGHS)
I think he's got a point. I mean, who are we to say?
Well... TERRY: Point of order.
He's becoming controversial
and philosophical in order to talk his shed off the agenda.
This is "questions from the floor" now, and that was a question!
This mast, what colour is it going to be?
Well, design's not really part of my portfolio, so...
What bloody difference does the colour make?
Oh, I thought colour was the big issue here.
Well, we can be quite flexible on appearance.
We usually finish the mast in a sympathetic wood cladding.
My question is, have you said everything you've got to say, girl?
Yes, I think so.
Right, then. Thank you very much, then.
OK. All right?
Now can we get on with this bloody meeting?
Where are you going? These aren't the only busy ones.
My toms need harding off. Well, you can't go now.
I can go whenever I like.
This is an allotment meeting, not the Moscow bloody show trials,
Marshal bloody Beria!
Can we do the raffle?
Please. All right?
What's happening - the man and woman?
Oh, them. Oh, them.
They're from a phone company, just some phone company.
A phone company?
They're gonna give us money, you know, for some community thing.
You mean they're not immigration? (LAUGHS) No.
They're not going to make difficulties?
Not difficulties, no.
Uh, the next thing is voting procedure,
which is a constitutional change
and therefore requires a simple majority of members to be present
in order to be quorate.
Now that Kenny and his mates have gone we are no longer quorate.
Oh, bloody hell.
So now can we do the raffle?
WOMAN: And the winner is...
..uh, plot number 22.
..that's one of those overseas lot, isn't it?
I think it is, yeah.
It's terrible. They get everything, don't they?
Barbara, you can't say that. Well, I'm sorry, but it's true.
Is it Miriam's? I've no idea.
TERRY: Three pound of pork chops, three pound of sausage,
a side of bacon.
A chicken, a crate of ale,
a bottle of whisky, 200 cigarettes.
The ciggies, I should warn you, love, are shite.
MIRIAM: I'll put this stuff away.
George. Come and help me, George.
I told you someone was taking care of us, didn't I?
Hi. We're from a phone company.
A mobile phone company. I know.
Come in. Welcome to Miriam Land.
Would you like a drink?
Uh... We have beer, we have lots of beer.
We won it as a prize.
Do you want to see what we are growing?
Well, no, we're just... Touching base.
Touching base, exactly. Come and see.
I have beans and okra. (PHONE RINGS)
ALI: Phone company!
Hello, phone company. How are you?
I'm Ali. Good to see you. This is my wife, Soraya.
Oh, hello. We were just coming to... SORAYA: Hello.
How are you? Go through, go through.
Hello! Hello, phone company. So good to meet you.
So good. So good you are phone company and not something else.
I'm going to cook for you!
ALI: Ah! She's a good cook. Not bad, she is good.
You won't eat meat? Why not? CARLA: I'm vegetarian.
Are you? Why?
You look like you are from big company.
We...we used to have some troubles with immigration.
But then it was...
..it was your Member of Parliament, he wrote letter about me.
He said, "He is school governor, he is a volunteer, he's..."
(ALI SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
I am... Good sort.
A good sort. (PHONE RINGS)
Oh. Sorry, excuse me. I'm just gonna take this.
So we are hopeful. Hello?
MIRIAM: I have cigarettes and ale
They are prizes from the raffle.
I have the prizes even though I didn't enter.
That's because somebody's looking after me.
They are looking after me very well.
Even my tea's still warm.
God keeps your tea warm?
Desmond, my late husband.
He's taking care of us.
Go. Go on.
Good? Mmm, very good.
When my father comes back he'll be impressed.
Where's your father? My mother thinks he is dead.
She gives up too easily.
Rightio. (TURNS ON RADIO)
ANNOUNCER: ..our Cuban half-hour.
(CUBAN MUSIC PLAYS)
EDDIE: Where's he off to? CHARLIE: No idea.
(BEE BUZZES) CHARLIE: Any chance of a sausage?
Attracted to your shirt, John?
What? The bee.
It's attracted to your shirt.
A lot of us are, you know.
It's not one of mine.
That's a white-tailed bee, you get them everywhere.
I only keep great yellows. Practically extinct now.
You used to get them all the way down to Cornwall,
and now it's just the Orkneys and Blacktree Road Allotments.
Well, if you two are going to, um... talk about the birds and the bees,
I'll...I'll go and get myself a chipolata.
I don't actually know anything about birds, it's only bees.
Well, I'm just gonna... just gonna get a beer.
OK, then. OK, bye.
So, what do you think? Nothing like frozen.
I wouldn't have known it was the same vegetable.
No, thanks. This is ideal, this plot, from an access point of view.
I can smell meat and garlic!
Our position on alfresco culinary preparation is very clear.
I'm surprised at you. This is betrayal of what we stand for, this.
Right, come on.
(CLAPS) Party's over. Hey, that's...that's my ball.
You can't just take his ball. We discussed this in committee.
If you wanna raise an objection
you have to go through the proper channels.
Come on, Mr John, don't be so mean.
I'd be nice to me, if I were you.
I'd be very nice to me.
Why is that?
Never you mind why.
KENNY: What are they, anyway?
Only, it better not be anything dodgy.
Drugs, like. Cannabis.
Or bloody sunflowers.
Or delphiniums - I can't stand the sight of them.
I don't want to be looking at delphiniums all day.
Shark fin melon.
Shark fin melon?
Oh, that's all right, then!
Nobody minds a bit of shark fin melon, do they?
Erm...I noticed that the rabbits have eaten all your cabbages,
and I haven't planted mine - I've got plenty.
Oh, thank you very much.
Your old man's not knocking about, is he?
Only, when I get up quick, say, after I've been weeding,
I get these spots in front of me eyes.
If you wait there, he'll see you in a moment.
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
There you go. Thank you very much.
You're very welcome.
Best I've ever had. Never felt better since he come along.
He's got the touch. He helped me with a problem I had.
Aye. I heard you had a spot of women's trouble.
The point is, once these phone people move in
we're gonna lose one of our guests.
And, between you and me, they've left it up to me which one.
Well, I'm gonna make sure it's not this fella.
I mean, he's an asset, isn't he? We don't wanna lose an asset.
Yeah, but we don't wanna lose Miriam either.
Well, cos she's...she's put in so much work, hasn't she?
She got a nice show of beans.
What - so I'm gonna say to these phone people,
"We don't want your five grand
"because this woman's got a lovely show of beans"?
It's gonna be a tough decision. I'll tell you that much.
When people say it's a tough decision, Mike,
what they mean is they want a present.
That's what working with the grain of the community means -
buying people off.
Come on. Let's do it.
MIKE: We thought you'd like to acquaint yourselves with our product.
You know, we're gonna be working together,
and these phones are what we're all about - communication.
Yeah? Well, enjoy them.
You can download ringtones and assign them to different people
so you can tell who's ringing.
For instance, if mine does this...
(PRESSES KEYS) RINGTONE: # Hard work... #
That means that's my boss, Carla, who's ringing.
# Hard work, work
# Hard work... # (TURNS OFF RINGTONE)
(ME AND MRS JONES RINGTONE PLAYS) Ah! Ha, ha.
His name's Jones.
His missus...his missus is...
SONG: # Me and Mrs Jones... #
(DOOR OPENS) Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.
Big... Are you going out?
Pilates. I got some, uh...
(TURNS OFF RINGTONE)
This will do for my missus.
(RABBIT RINGTONE PLAYS) (LAUGHS)
SONG: # Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit Yap, yap, rabbit
# Yap, yap, yap, rabbit Rabbit, bunny, jabber, yap
# Rabbit, bunny, jabber, rabbit Yap, yap, rabbit, rabbit, bunny
# Yap, jabber, rabbit. #
Aye-aye? Hello, love.
Your tea's ready. Oh, good. What are we having?
Liver and onions.
(BIG SPENDER RINGTONE PLAYS)
That will do for her. Yeah.
SONG: # The minute you walked in the joint
# I could see you were a man of distinction
# A real big spender
# Good-looking, so refined
# Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind?
# So let me get right to the point
# I don't pop my cork for every guy I see
# Hey, big spender
# A little time with me
# Wouldn't you like to have fun, fun, fun?
# Howsabout a few laughs, laughs?
# I can show you a... #
..fine day, a sunny day.
We've got light winds coming in from the south-west.
That will be nice. Thanks, love. There could be a touch of frost.
Gardeners might want to protect those tender plants.
All right, I'll do that, thanks.
(PHONES RING AND RINGTONES PLAY)
(PHONES RING) It's about your shed again.
It will take a bigger man than anyone here
to raise their hand and vote against my shed.
BIG JOHN: Phones off, please. You can enjoy them later on.
Right, first item - voting procedure.
Followed by item two - colour of sheds.
Has everyone had this about voting procedure?
Proposed changes that were appropriate.
We have a secret ballot rather than a show of hands. Proposed?
Seconded. Those in favour?
Carried. Next item, colour of sheds.
Proposed, to take stringent methods
to re-enforce colour regulation.
ie, all sheds to be painted regulation red.
Seconded? Proceed to vote.
By secret ballot.
We've just voted on a change to voting procedure.
That was the change. We've changed to secret ballots.
You voted for it yourself.
Collect 'em up, John. Quick as you can.
One against, the rest in favour.
ONE against? What about...
What about you two?
(DOOR SLAMS) Kenny.
Kenny, come on, you can't...
All right, lad?
You missed a bit.
Her skin has that natural glow.
..you can't really tell from a photo, can you?
She looks nice enough, like.
She's gone now.
I was at sea.
We were all right then.
We used to write to each other, and everything.
Then I jacked it all in. Next thing I knew, she was gone.
I never talk about her.
This lot think I've still got her, but she's gone.
Do you have a book?
A what? A book to read.
I only like talking to you cos you can't understand what I'm saying.
(AEROSOL CAN HISSES)
Potting-on time? Oh, yeah.
Well, when something's ready you have to let it out, don't you?
And if you don't make a move forward, well...
It gets pot-bound. Like a passionflower, maybe.
Hello. This way.
He's waiting to see you now.
Thank you. Hello, Doctor. Hello, Mr John. So, how is it?
Well, it's like I want to wee, but I can't.
(SORAYA SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Dr Ali Masilou of Flat 2, 4 Salisbury House?
Only, you don't actually live at your registered address,
do you, Dr Masilou, for some reason?
As you know, your application for asylum has been rejected
and your right to appeal has been exhausted.
Under the Immigration Act of 1989, we are therefore here to remove you
to a designated detention centre.
No, no. Please, there's a mistake.
I have a letter from MP. Can I see this, please?
Your copy of the letter was sent to your registered address.
No, no. No, that's not correct.
I have to ask you again, are you going to come voluntarily?
Please...don't do this.
You cannot do this. Please, no. No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no. Not here, please. No. (ALL SHOUT)
Please, no! Where are you going?!
Don't touch my son!
Put that kid down! Hey, put him down!
Give my son back! Leave her alone! You can't take him!
These are valued members of our community. Aren't they?
Hey! Aren't they?
I can assure you, sir, this is all proper procedure.
Oh, what's proper about it? Get in the vehicle, please.
You make me ashamed!
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Where's the sense in it?
The man's a doctor. How can you have too many doctors?
They've chucked this lad out of the country who was a good lad,
and we're keeping hold of all this rubbish.
What rubbish is that, Kenny?
People who leave their chewing gum under the seats on buses.
Why can't they deport them and leave all the doctors here?
People who collect their kids from school
and they've got their pyjamas on.
That lot off the telly. What lot off the telly?
All of 'em.
Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton doesn't live here.
I don't care where she lives. They should get rid of her anyway.
Charlotte Church! Oh, Charlotte Church.
Peter Andre! Peter bloody Andre.
KENNY AND CHARLIE: Peter bloody Andre!
Justin bloody Timberlake. Right, yeah.
Oh, yeah. David Hasselhoff.
ALL: David Hasselhoff.
Actually, scrub that. Yeah?
The 100% dog's breath, worst of the lot of them...
You traitorous, 40-faced, arse-licking lackeys!
Secret bloody ballot!
Would you like to wait in here for a moment? I won't be long.
You've not come here without me telling you to before.
Is that a good sign or a bad one?
You know, you were doing really well before they took Ali away.
You were working on the plot, you were growing things.
Kung Sang, you need to talk.
You know you do.
Dolce and Gabbana.
What about 'em?
Well, you could deport them, couldn't you, Kenny?
Dolce and Gabbana, aye.
Tony and Cherie.
Definite, yeah. Oh, cripes. Yeah.
Van Morrison. What?
What's he playing at? At his age.
Hey, I tell you who could go, my missus.
Your missus, yeah. And my missus and all, she could go with her.
Oh, aye, and mine too.
And that snotty cow from the post office.
She could go.
Simon Cowell. Oh, yeah.
Ozzy Osbourne. And Sharon.
Bob the Builder. What?
Well, he's overcapitalised, isn't he?
I mean, there's only him and Wendy - look at all the plant they've got.
Muck, Scoop, Dizzy, a crane.
What's he need a bloody crane for?
All he ever does is build a wall. There you go.
I need your help.
Well, you're gonna have to tidy up all this rubbish.
And these weeds will have to come out.
Go on, then.
What? Go on.
Well, come on, then.
I'm not doing it on me own.
(SIGHS) Who needs to have a door on an allotment?
That's looking a bit smarter.
What exactly are you doing?
You know, liaising.
Working with the community. Had some problem with his weeds.
What's the point in solving his weed problem
if you're gonna concrete his plot?
We won't be concreting his plot. We don't know, do we?
It's up to logistics, isn't it? Well, yeah.
But that plot's finished with, isn't it?
We could use that plot without upsetting anyone.
You know, working with the grain of the community.
We are community relations.
Where the mast goes is logistics.
It's not your pigeon, it's theirs.
I thought you said it was that guy's pigeon - the chairman.
I only said that so he'd think he was in the loop.
I'm only trying to think outside the box.
We need to think outside the box and inside your pigeon.
(PHONE RINGS) Carla Davis.
No, no, no, everything's going great.
What do you want now? Can you buy me some chips, please?
Can't your dad feed ya?
Come on, then.
You won't get chips like this in a chippie.
There you go.
What do you reckon?
Are you sure he's been feeding ya?
Oh, don't let me interrupt ya.
I'm just looking at all this bloody washing-up now.
I've got to go.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
I thought you might be interested.
When I was at sea I couldn't settle on a good book.
So I had this, you know. It's poems.
Been everywhere with me, that one. Valparaiso, Zanzibar, whatever.
A few good ones in there. Quite a lot of shite.
Your plot's all right, if that's what you're worried about.
Your lad's done a great job there.
You must have done a great job of him, mind you,
cos he's a great lad.
MAN: All right, mate? Oi.
You can't stand there.
You can't stand there, mate. You have to move.
I have two children.
I brought them here...
..in one of those.
We had to leave China because of me.
Some businessmen came from the city.
They wanted to take our land...
..to build their offices.
I said, "No, this is not right."
I went to speak to the authorities.
I just made things worse.
There was a...big fight.
They threatened my family.
So we had to leave.
..died on the way.
We sat with her body...
..all those days.
If a man says too much...
..things get worse.
In my book, mate, you got something to say, you should say it.
Just stay away from the fence, all right, mate?
Twist-Ems for tying peas to pea poles.
Um...no, I don't think so.
You wouldn't use a bit of string?
No, string burns the stems. I'm looking for a plastic.
Oh. Well, we'll have to see what we can do.
Cos if there's no flowers, there's no peas.
Yeah, I know that.
(SIGHS AND URINATES) Um...
No flower, do you see?
Cos you've got to blossom, haven't you?
Otherwise there's no fruit.
See what I'm saying?
Cos you might feel all safe tucked up in your bud,
but there comes a point where you've got to spread your petals.
Otherwise, as I said, no fruit.
Think about it.
I was... MIRIAM: You did that before?
You do it all the time.
Whenever I can.
I like to make sure you're all right, because...well...
..cos the fact...
All this time...all this time I think he's looking out for me.
You buy raffle tickets too?
That was YOU?
Oh, my God.
I think Desmond is looking out for me.
He's not looking out for me. No, but I am.
I'm looking out for you because...
If he's not looking out for me, where is he?
I am happy when he's looking out for me,
because he is dead, OK, but he is still with me.
If he's not here, where is he?
I'm on my own.
No, you're not, because... Because what?!
..you are very well thought of.
Leave me alone.
Just leave me alone.
You and your stupid, stupid, stupid, horrible shirt!
Well, hello, Hawaii.
Is that a shirt?
Looks more like an accident in a paint factory.
Hey, have you seen this shirt?!
It's that loud it could have its own ASBO.
I don't believe it.
What have I bred?
BIG JOHN: Made a right fool of himself.
Hopefully that's knocked all that out of him.
Chasing women. (LAUGHS)
I mean...who'd have him?
I thought your shirts were nice, John.
What's up with you?
I thought they were...nice.
What's up with her? Your dad is right about you.
You are useless.
She thought the shirts were for her.
What - she wanted my shirts?
(SIGHS) She thought you were wearing them...
John. I'll do it, you wait here.
John, I've got something for you.
A-ha. How about that?
(LAUGHS) Thank you very much.
It's our pleasure.
Don't spend it all at once.
Can I enter this in the show?
What is it? It's okra.
Unfortunately, we don't have a category for alien species.
(SNIGGERS) Okra is a kind of hibiscus, I think.
I think it's a mallow. Not on these allotments it's not.
They'll eat anything, won't they?
Quite good value for one plot, eh?
(LAUGHS) You're telling me.
KENNY: It weren't me.
It was your lad.
He really put some back into it, you know.
CHARLIE: Well, what do you think?
These are all right, aren't they?
MIRIAM: Oh, my God.
DEBBIE: I take it this is your husband?
There was some confusion over the name thing. I checked.
You were on the wrong database.
I thought you were dead.
No...I'm not dead.
I've been in Leicester.
BIG JOHN: So, the issue is how we allocate this money
from the phone people.
CHARLIE: What you gonna do with it, John?
Well, obviously, it's a priority to make this meeting area more viable.
We want proper seating, decent lighting,
maybe a raised area back here.
In other words, a throne for His Lordship here.
The committee is open to suggestions, if you've got any better ideas.
I do have a better idea, as it happens.
Security. SOME: Good idea.
Well, security is an issue, obviously.
We had an incident down our end just a couple of weeks back.
Involving a dibber. That's right, involving a dibber.
I was wondering when you were getting around to it.
What we need is razor wire, or, if we all chipped in,
we could have an on-site guard.
So the motion is that we earmark the money from the phone people
to spend on increased security
rather than doing something about this place.
Are you ready?
You should be ready to get it off 'em as soon as they've finished writing.
Yes, put the pens in one hand and the papers in the other.
The motion is carried. (APPLAUSE)
Is it the doctor lad's plot they're gonna use,
the one who they took away?
No, no, it don't suit. It's gonna be our Oriental pal's plot.
You're the one who wanted increased security.
We've gotta pay for it somehow.
So, they're pumpkins, are they? The mystery veg.
(LAUGHS) That's...a disappointment, isn't it? Pumpkins.
Except at Halloween.
Do you have Halloween?
(WEAKLY MIMICS GHOST)
You could still enter them in the show, mind you.
These are, uh...shark fin melon.
They make a wondrous soup.
It is a kind of squash.
It breaks into strands that look like shark meat.
Shark meat is very expensive, so this is the poor man's shark meat.
The poor man's luxury.
The soup is called strands of wonder.
I know what you're up to, and it's not gonna happen.
Well, I think the decision's... Will have to be changed.
There's a plot standing empty there with no-one in it.
But what can I do?
I can have a word. Mike!
I can only apologise, Steve.
Of course, Steve.
I'll get right back to you. Many thanks. Bye.
What it is, a few of us have been having a talk,
we've decided against...
Against what? We want the lad to keep his plot.
He's worked hard on it. He's got these melons.
We've tried his soup, it's called strands of wonder soup.
OK. Oh, that's good.
It's fine. We don't actually need your approval.
How do you mean? Well, we don't need your permission.
We just wanted you to be happy.
If you're not happy, you're sad. What can I say? We tried.
I need a word with my colleague.
This is your first job, isn't it, Mike?
I used to do...
Jobseekers, JobSearch, Jobsworth, all on your back,
years on end, making your life a misery.
I know, I've been there.
And now we're not there, we're here, aren't we?
Well, if you don't wanna go back there, start doing your job.
Because I can bust you back there quick as I like.
I can bust you back there so you stay there forever,
till you're an old man
still living on whatever horrible bloody estate it is you live on, OK?
Do you follow me? Lovely.
You'll be interested to hear, the razor wire has arrived.
Oi. What are you doing?
Hang on a minute.
I boxed a bit, you know, when I was in the police.
Did ya? Yeah.
District champion two years running.
You're never coming back to these allotments again, do you hear me?!
I hear ya. So what?
KENNY: What do you want? I have something to show you.
Is she gone an' all, is she?
Everyone wants you back.
There was an election.
WOMAN: To be honest, I can't tell one end of an artichoke from another.
(BARBARA WHISPERS) (WHISPERS) Well, if you say so.
That one's way too big. 15 inches or over? Look at the state of it.
What we're looking for with a marrow, size isn't everything.
We're looking for the girth and the smoothness.
BIG JOHN: Unanimous.
That means you voted against your own father.
WOMAN: I'd like to thank your new chairwoman, Barbara,
for inviting me here today.
We in the council are very proud of our allotments policy.
Personally, I don't know much about gardening,
but I do know a lot about grass because of my Crown Green bowling.
Which is how Barbara and I became friends.
Another bloody stitch-up, then.
First prize of the day is
the cauliflower, dressed, with 3-inch stalk,
and that goes to plot number five.
Well done. Very good.
And on to the prize for the heaviest onion.
This goes to plot number three.
And that's me.
WOMAN: (LAUGHS) Well done, Barbara. (APPLAUSE)
Now we're moving to table marrow not to exceed 15 inches.
It's me again. (MURMURING)
Well done, Barbara, again!
Thank you. (LAUGHS)
Oh, bloody hell.
Oh, I hate all this. (MUTTERS) I'm not going in there.
I've had enough of all that.
..on to the Betty Ratcliffe Memorial Trophy
for the best overall plot.
And that goes to plot number 22.
Well done. Congratulations.
Well, that concludes business. Sorry, standing too close.
Sorry. No. Don't be sorry.
I don't mind you being close.
BARBARA: ..for officiating this afternoon,
and looking forward to another happy year.
You missed a bit.
MUSIC: "Goin' Back To My Roots" by Lamont Dozier
# Zippin' up my boots
# Goin' back to my roots, yeah
# To the place of my birth
# Back down to earth
# I've been standing in the rain
# Drenched and soaked with pain
# Tired of short-term benefits
# And being exposed to the elements
# I'm homeward bound got my head turned around
# Going back to being myself
# I can't live with nobody else
# I've been living in a world of fantasy
# Cos I'm going back, I'm going back to reality
# I've been searching for ages, I get all the time
# Till happiness, happiness was just a state of mind
# I'm going back home, I'm going home
# I'm going back home where I belong
# Zippin' on my boots
# Goin' back to my roots, yeah
# To the place of my birth
# Back down to earth... #