Expired

This programme contains very strong language.

I'm one of the most hated people in the world.

Nobody likes me.

People run from me like the plague, give me the finger.

Insult me.

Verbally abuse me.

Hey. Hey, come on, I'm here.

-Sorry.

-Fuck you.

What did I tell you?

It's a no-win situation.

No matter what I do, they still hate me.

Great. Right on time. Too bad, huh?

Have a nice day.

No-one knows anything about me.

-I'm just a lonely, plain woman living a life...

-Clare?

..that makes no real difference to anyone.

Donald.

This is Clare, my former girlfriend.

A long time ago. This is Rita, my wife.

Sylvia, our beautiful daughter.

Congratulations.

What about you?

Too bad.

Well, we'd better go before we get a ticket.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Hey, come on.

Hey, Clare.

Hi, Clare.

-Hey.

-How's it going?

-Great.

Excellent.

-Shit.

-What happened?

Somebody help her.

Mom.

Could you help me, please?

Pass me that car. No, Dad's favourite car.

The vintage Corvette. That's the one.

You don't see many of these, even in my job.

Dad's favourite car.

Beautiful, huh? No, no, no.

The other hand. Yeah, that's it.

I wonder if Dad would be proud if he knew that I was working with cars?

A bit like him, huh?

Although he...

Although he helped people by fixing the cars, I kind of...

What?

-Dad would want me to be married?

-Uh-huh.

BUZZER

BUZZER

Hi, ma'am. Sign here, please.

Thank you, have a great day.

Wow. We picked a good one this year, huh?

Should I order Chinese?

Just hit me in the stomach, it's just a little sore.

Look who's here!

Hey.

-Looking great.

-Thanks.

Great? She looks fabulous.

-I can bend it now.

-Roll call.

Silence, please.

-Stephen Rodriguez.

-Yes.

Sierra District for you today.

Officer Clare Barney.

How you doing, Officer Barney?

-Welcome back.

-Thanks a lot.

Let's see, stick to Plaza District today,

it might be a little easier for you.

-OK.

-Party invitation.

-Thanks a lot.

With this job, you always live in fear and guilt,

but if you don't write enough tickets, you get fired,

and I'm sure you know that it's not about keeping the traffic flowing, or helping you or helping me.

This job is about one thing only.

Making money. Making money off you, making money off me.

-Can you tell me where Strand Street is?

-Sure, two blocks to your right.

Thank you.

You may wonder why I do this job.

I need the money.

Miss. Miss. Can you hold off, please?

'I am in a way, independent, and I get to observe people.'

-Can I help you there?

-Yeah.

'And I like that.

'I imagine their stories.

'For a short moment, I get to live their lives instead of my own.'

-I really appreciate it.

-You're welcome.

'Which is pretty uneventful.'

How very kind of you.

You have to help out every once in while.

I guess so.

Although we are actually paid to help the city out.

Average of about 45 tickets a day, it's not bad.

And I've been doing this for a while.

OK.

Do you want one?

Yeah, they are my favourites.

Well, here then, why don't you take the whole thing.

Thanks.

Hold on.

Tenth time's the charm.

Hey!

Didn't you see, you stupid idiot?

I'm sitting in the car, about to move.

No, I saw the expired meter.

My engine's still running.

Dumbass.

Great, go and fuck yourself, bitch.

Who do you think you're talking to? Huh?

Thanks a lot.

You're welcome.

Fucking retard.

Hey, excuse me, officer.

-You again?

-Yeah.

If I ever catch you writing me another parking ticket, I'll kick your ass up and down the street.

Why don't you get out of here, you piece of shit?

-You want to go?

-Let's go.

-Friend of yours?

There you go, how's that?

Dumb fuck.

Are you OK?

Why the long face?

OK.

Maybe ease off on the M&Ms a little bit. It won't be so hard to get in there.

This...and this one is from Aunt Tilda in Pomona.

Oh, that's sweet. Mom, look.

And this is the Christmas party invite at work.

You're coming, right?

I hate these lights.

Oh, I can't fix them.

BUZZER

BUZZER

-Hi.

-Hey, Clare, can I come in?

-Yeah.

Hi.

Mrs Barney. Watching the Wheel over there?

Look at this place.

Do you like it?

Like it? What atmosphere!

Look at these pretty lights.

-Are these M&Ms?

-Yeah.

-Did you do this for yourself?

-Yes.

And it goes all the way around.

-Wow!

-Yeah.

Look at that tree. What a cute little tree, that is just adorable!

-It does that.

-Sorry.

-Where did you get it?

-Catalogue.

You got the tree from a catalogue?

-You've got to be kidding me.

-No.

Hey, listen, Mrs Barney, do you mind if I steal Clare for a minute?

-Would you help me with my Christmas decorations?

-Sure.

I can't believe it's Christmas again.

You say that every year, Clare. That is because your life never changes.

You've got to get out there.

I don't know where to go.

You could travel.

Join a group. Meet new people.

Did I tell you I saw Donald?

Clare, I said meet new people.

You've been talking about him for six years already.

Hey, what about the computer? You meet great people on the internet.

E-dating.

I tried that, remember?

That was a year ago. Try it again.

-Try tonight.

-No-one ever wrote me back.

My picture was OK. I mean, I had my uniform on.

You had your uniform on?

I mean, with that job of yours?

I mean, how do you expect people to...

I'm sorry, I don't mean that in a bad way.

But look at me and Paul.

I met Paul on the internet. And now we're getting married.

I know, I'm really happy for you, I am.

But I want to be happy for you, Clare.

Don't you ever meet anyone at work?

-I did meet someone at work today.

-And?

-Yeah, he seems like a nice guy.

A little angry, but maybe he's like hurting inside or something.

There you go again, Clare, you don't even know this guy and you're feeling sorry for him.

-Why are you always feeling sorry for people?

-What do you think?

I think it's great.

-Good night.

-Night.

Hey, Clare, thanks a lot.

It looks great.

You've got such good taste.

Could you just move back, ma'am, thank you?

Oh, come on now. Give me a break.

Good job, idiot.

-I've been waiting forever.

-Come on.

-Thank you, officer, thanks a lot.

-Hello.

-Hey.

Remember me? Need any help here?

No, I'm almost done. My lunch break's coming up anyway.

Mine too.

Thanks a lot.

Are we going to get lunch, or what?

You look nice today. I like your socks.

Thanks.

Son of a bitch.

What do you think you're doing?

A good deed.

-I'm putting quarters in all the expired metres.

-You can't do that.

-What do you mean? I'm technically giving money to the city.

-Hey, cut the shit or I'll call the police.

I knew this would piss you off.

I saw you eating. I did it to fuck up your lunch.

You've given me 11 tickets in the last few weeks.

I hate your guts, you fucking asshole!

Fuck you!

What happened?

-I gave him a ticket.

-You did?

Are you questioning me?

No.

-What?

-What?

Forget it.

See you later.

-Hey, Clare.

-Grandma.

What, have you been shopping again? What's in the box?

Do you like it?

I bought it for you for Christmas.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hi. It's Jay.

Oh, hi.

How did you get this number?

From work.

I pulled some strings.

Oh.

OK.

I'm calling to tell you I'm sorry about lunch today.

OK.

Is that all you can say, OK?

Well, thanks for calling.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, that's a guy I met at work a couple of days ago.

Yes!

You are a filthy little whore, aren't you?

You're a filthy fucking whore.

Yes, you are. Oh, yeah.

You're a nasty bitch.

Yeah. I'll have that...

fucking wet pussy. Yeah!

Yeah!

Oh!

Oh!

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Fuck!

'I can't believe I'm next to this car.

'Dad's favourite car, a vintage Corvette.'

Hi. Is it OK if I run in just for a sec to pick up a present?

-I'll be right back.

-Sure, you can.

-Thanks.

-Can I have your autograph? Whoa, thanks!

I wonder how come this kid has this car.

He's surely buying his girlfriend a great Christmas present.

Maybe a diamond ring to propose to her.

And they will kiss and get married,

and...I wonder at times if any of this will ever happen to me.

-Hey!

-Hi.

-Guess what?

-What?

You're standing next to an expired meter.

Oh, yeah, I know. The guy's coming right back.

-You got to be kidding me.

-Oh.

-You know what? Here he is.

-Thanks so much. Merry Christmas.

-Hey, Dad.

-How's it going?

Good. Nice to see you.

-Yeah.

-I bet you wrote this, huh?

Yeah.

Hey.

Finally, my Christmas present from you.

I'm rushing to a meeting. My new CD comes out tomorrow.

-Great.

-I'll mail you some.

OK.

How's your job going?

It's going well.

Great seeing you, Dad.

Merry Christmas.

Do you want to go for a coffee?

Can I get you a refill on that, sir?

Have you had a chance to look at the menus?

Might as well explain myself.

-I'm sure you're dying to know.

-No.

Not really.

No? Not really?

No.

Right.

What if I decided to tell you anyway?

Just wanted to get it off my chest?

Go ahead.

That's why I'm here.

I had my son when I was 20.

I was in college at Berkeley,

studying plasma physics.

Plasma's ionised gas.

The entire visible universe outside our solar system's all plasma.

All we can see are stars.

So, I was into plasma physics, and I had a co-major in heavy partying.

His mother, my wife...instant wife...wanted me to become this

and that, and I didn't feel like this and that.

All I wanted to do was

think of black holes and take any amount of drugs I could find.

She didn't.

So she left me.

My family supported her decision.

They took my son

and stopped paying my tuition, so I dropped out.

I haven't seen her since.

She dislikes me immensely.

Thinks I'm a loser, as does the rest of my family, and I'm sure, my son.

Well, as long as you don't think that, it's OK.

Do you believe that?

Anyway, as he got older, he got hold of me and we sort of kept in touch.

He grew up here in LA,

and he's done quite well for himself.

-He's on MTV, you know.

-Really?

Yeah. You think I'm lying?

No, not at all.

You know, I really like to sing.

-Me and my mom love music.

-I hate it.

Makes me antsy.

I can't even bring myself to listen to CDs.

-I understand.

-Yeah.

Well, that's probably my favourite thing. I carry it around.

My mini planetarium.

I like it better up there than down here.

If you ever want to go see a real one of those some time...

Little too boring for you?

No. Not at all.

Fucking pussy.

-What?

-Pussy.

-Excuse me?

-You heard me.

I was looking at my watch because I think it's time for me to get back to work.

Of course you were.

-It's true.

-Do me a favour.

-What?

-Leave.

Cheque, right?

Hold on there, sister suffragette.

-I'm the man here.

-What?

I got it.

OK, well...thanks a lot.

Bye.

Hi!

OK? Great.

Oh, Mom, thanks so much for the dress.

You really shouldn't have.

It's too expensive. I'm so excited about the party, though. Only three more days.

'These are decorations. He drills all the holes for this project'.

PHONE RINGS

'No one is available.

'Please leave a message after the tone'.

'Hey, it's Paul. You know, the only friend you've got?

'I'm calling you again.

'Why don't you return my goddamn calls sometime?'

'So this is your basic love bench,

'as you've seen in all the history books throughout the ages.

'Now, if you really want to be extravagant

'and you have a deep affection for someone,

'you can install the heart.'

Mom?

What do you think is better?

Something or nothing, when you can't have everything?

I wish you could talk, Mom.

Excuse me, sir?

Sir, what are you doing? I'm...

The engine is running.

I'm making a delivery.

-You're parked in the red, miss.

-No, I'm not parked.

I'm making a delivery. The engine's still running.

It says "no stopping any time".

I didn't stop. Why don't you give this person a ticket?

They parked in the loading zone.

You know what, this is ridiculous.

Actually, you're the one being ridiculous, not the law.

Is that supposed to be an insult?

Ow!

You just hit my... you just hit my fucking arm, bitch!

What are you talking about? I didn't come anywhere near you, liar!

Screw you, buddy!

242.

-What are you doing?

-Assault.

He's lying.

I gave the ticket, handed it in and... slammed it on my hand.

I can't believe you're going to give me a misdemeanour ticket.

Oh, God.

You happy? Jerk. This is ridiculous. I didn't do anything.

WHISTLE

HORN BEEPS Hey!

-How's it going?

-OK. Are you OK?

-I couldn't be better.

-Really?

-Yeah, really.

OK.

Hey, listen. Why don't I take you out for dinner this evening?

-I really enjoyed our talk at the coffee shop the other day.

-You did?

Yeah.

You're a kind person.

I like kind.

I've never had kind.

Thank you.

Where do you live? I'll come and get you.

-Oh, it's a little hard right now, because my mom is sick and...

-OK.

That's too bad.

I wanted to talk some more.

Hey. Why don't you come over and eat with us?

Yeah?

Thank you for the flowers.

I love flowers, they're beautiful. Thank you.

They had a special deal at the store near my place.

Mom's saying that my dad used to buy her flowers.

Oh!

He must have been a great guy.

Like me?

Oh, Jay hates music, Mom.

Oh...

It's Mom's favourite song.

MUSIC: "Emotions" by Brenda Lee

# Emotions

# What are you doing?

# Oh, don't you know, don't you know

# You'll be my ruin?

# You've got me trying... #

Thank you.

SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Mom?

Are you OK?

A little water? Maybe a little water?

Are you OK? Want to lie down?

I got it.

I can take care of that. Here we go.

-Over here?

-Yeah, through there.

There we go, that's all right.

How's that, all right?

-Hold on. I got it.

-OK.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

-Take some water.

-I hope you feel better, OK?

Drink some water.

Oh, yeah.

Mom, are you OK?

You faked it?

You're something else!

Do you like him?

He can be really nice. And he can be a little mean at times.

I know, Dad was like that too.

I got that.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, we have that party every year.

You going?

Yeah, I like to dance.

You do?

-Me too.

-Really?

I'll make you dance all night long.

I'm a great dancer.

I'm definitely going.

I'm bringing my mom as well.

Mm-hmm?

Could I ask you how...

how come you like dancing if you can't stand music?

What's this?

-What?

-Are you blind as a bat, or what?

-Excuse me?

-The lights are... fucking flickering.

Oh, I...

I've tried to fix 'em a couple of times,

-but they just... I don't know.

-Probably a switch.

-You got a screwdriver?

-Yeah.

-Want to get it?

-Yeah.

Bingo.

Works now.

You're welcome.

Great job.

You smell good.

Thanks.

-You said you wanted to talk to me about something?

-Oh, yeah.

Today I had a little problem with a woman

who almost tried to run me over.

I don't think she'd do that.

-What makes you so sure of that?

-I...

It was on Westland, right on the corner.

-I know, I saw you guys...

-You did?

So I bet she wasn't.

I don't think so. I know her.

Oh, right. So you know her now?

Yeah, I do, I know her.

Anyway, they gave her a misdemeanour ticket. The bitch.

-She got what she deserved and it felt great.

-You did?

-What's that?

-What?

Are you trying to play like you're fucking Mother Teresa or what?

No, no.

I just try to do the right thing and perhaps take the high road.

The high road.

That's also known as the "fuck me in the ass road".

Excuse me?

I like justice.

People screw you over, they get it back. You get them back.

Well...

I kind of think that we tend to screw ourselves over.

Yeah...

I've done that at times in my life, yeah...

-I've actually screwed myself over plenty.

-You have?

-I've done what? Have what?

-What?

Do you expect me to tell you everything?

Because I hardly know you, OK?

I mean, who the fuck do you think you are?

I'm sorry, I was just trying...

Trying to what? Get some sleep?

That's what we should try to do, get some sleep.

Come here.

-Good night.

-Good night.

Thank you for the flowers.

You know, for helping me with my mom and fixing the switch.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks for dinner.

I'll probably call you.

Come on. Big smile and...

Cheese! Great. OK, next.

-Hey, Claire.

-Hi.

-Isn't it cool the way they take these pictures

-and everything?

-It's OK.

-Has Jay been messing with you?

-What?

He was asking about your shift earlier. I think he likes you.

-You should give it a shot.

-Good looking guy.

I heard he used to call...

-Morning, ladies.

-Hi.

-They told me I could borrow this hat, is that OK with you?

-Sure. Yeah.

Who's next? OK, you. Fix your hat a little bit.

-What did Jay say?

-Well, he didn't say anything...

-Hold on...

-'221, you need to change your shift to the night shift.'

Yeah, OK. Over. I got to go.

I'll see you tomorrow at the party, bye.

'Heading into LA is your usual stop and go. There's a two-car crash

'at the Fairflex that's been pushed to the side.

'No injuries have been reported.'

PHONE RINGS

'Hi there. You've been selected by Splendid Financial...'

'Everything is backed up from Exposition to Crenshaw, making that commute even longer than usual.

'Give yourself some extra time to get down town today.'

-'Hi, JJ. It's Candy.'

-Hey.

'Welcome back. Do you want to fuck me tonight, JJ?'

Hey, you... I'm the one asking the questions here tonight.

-'OK, baby, whatever you want.'

-You're a good girl?

-'Oh yes.'

-My good girl?

-'I'm your good girl.'

-Tell me you're my good girl.

-Do you want me to fuck you?

-'Oh, yeah, JJ.'

-'Say you want me to fuck you then.'

-Yeah, I want you to fuck me, JJ.

Yeah...

-Bend over.

-'You want me to turn around?'

-Turn around, bend over. I want to see that big, juicy ass.

-'Oh, oh, yeah...'

Hey. Hey, you can't park here, you're in a red zone.

-Oh, come on.

-OK, two minutes. Two minutes.

-Yes!

-'Oh, yeah, JJ, you coming? Uh, uh... Oh yeah, JJ!

'Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Uh, uh... oh yeah, JJ. Yeah...'

Filthy, filthy, filthy.

He told me you really have to work hard...

SHE GASPS Hey.

Hey, I didn't mean to scare you.

What are you doing here? It's really late.

I decided to take a walk.

Why?

-Something wrong with that?

-No, no.

-You and your mom love music, right?

-Yeah.

-These are my son's CDs.

-Oh.

Thanks so much. They're still in their cases.

-So how's everything?

-OK.

How's your mother?

She's OK.

Are we in the "OK" mode again?

Excuse me?

Never mind. Want to go and grab a coffee someplace?

I can't, I'm on shift for another 20 minutes.

-Move to the side.

-What?

-You're off duty.

-I can't.

-Let's go.

-No.

-I drive.

-Ooh, where are we going?

We're going to go to Dorrie's.

-I can't!

-You want to walk?

You know how far that is?

Careful!

Whoa, stop! Ha, ha, ha!

How are you guys doing here? Can I top that off for you?

OK, Great. You?

OK, enjoy.

So, you enjoy the ride?

-Yeah, I'm fun.

-Mmm. You are.

Yeah.

Didn't you say you were tired?

No. I'm OK. I mean,

you know, this is fun.

I never get to go out late at night.

So what are we going to do now?

I didn't actually plan this on being a whole night type thing here.

So, what have you been doing these last few days?

I went to work, you know, watched a little TV.

Browsed the internet, a bit.

You like to do that?

I find it a little impersonal.

It... can be fun.

You can grab a lot of things on it.

-Meet people.

-What does that mean?

What kind of sarcasm is that?

Oh, no, I was not being sarcastic at all.

Why do you always think I'm against you?

Why wouldn't you be?

Because I'm not.

That's why.

MUSIC: "Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives

Mom, are you OK doing this?

Do you want me to help? You sure?

I know. Two minutes, I'm going to be ready in two minutes.

Give me a kiss. I love you.

# I don't know if there'll be snow

# But have a cup of cheer

# Have a holly jolly Christmas

# And when you walk down the street

# Say hello to friends you know

# And everyone you meet

# Ho, ho, the mistletoe

# Hung where you can see

# Somebody waits for you

# Kiss her once for me

# Have a holly jolly Christmas

# And in case you didn't hear

# Oh, by golly, have a holly jolly Christmas this year

# Have a holly, jolly Christmas It's the best... #

Mom? Mom?

Right, do you think this is too sexy or not?

Cos I think it's too sexy, OK?

Mom?

Mom?

Mom?

Mom?

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

OK. All right.

I'll be right back, OK?

MUSIC: "Cheek To Cheek" by Irving Berlin

# Heaven, I'm in heaven

# And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak

# And I seem to find the happiness I seek

# When we're out together, dancing cheek to cheek

# Oh, heaven, I'm in heaven

# When we're out together, dancing cheek to cheek... #

-Jay is a great dancer.

-You weren't so bad yourself.

See what you're missing?

How about I try this?

Um, excuse me, miss, would you care to have this dance with me?

What?

No, seriously, what the fuck is up with you tonight?

-I'm very sorry.

-Yeah.

Plus, I liked her a lot.

Spunky.

Yeah.

She liked you too.

I know she did.

Look, we've got to do something now.

Let me help you, let me...

call an ambulance.

No.

-I don't want them to take her.

-I know, but...

She...

I want to call her sister.

Yes, do that, that's good.

You should call everybody, everybody should know now.

No, but really, it's only her.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hello?

Aunt Tilde, it's me, Claire.

Oh, hi, honey.

God... What time is it?

Something happened today.

'What?'

Mom died.

Merry Christmas!

-'Of a stroke?'

-Uh-huh.

'She'll screw everything up!'

I... Could you come over, please?

I don't think I can drive that far right now, it's... no.

She's your sister.

Pomona is not that far.

'It's a bit late for me to do anything about it now,'

isn't it, honey?

-'I'm just so sorry. Get some sleep.'

-OK, good night.

'Good night. Hey, wait, Claire?'

I have a gold necklace that your mother left here a while ago.

-'You should come and get it some time.'

-Yes.

Good night. Merry Christmas.

'Yeah, merry Christmas.'

She won't come over.

-She lives in Pomona?

-Yeah.

It's nice there.

Yeah. I heard that too.

You know? Fuck her.

I'll help you.

Come here.

Want me to stay over tonight?

I mean, I just don't think you should be alone.

I'll be OK.

I'll just stay here on the couch.

-Take it off.

-What?

-Take it off.

-Oh, right. OK.

OK.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Take it off.

And your panties, and your...

Kiss me.

You like that? You like me fucking you?

Excuse me?

I'm sorry.

Say, I like your big, fat pussy.

I'm sorry, what? Oh, thank you.

Never mind.

Well, that was different.

-Did you cum?

-Nope.

-Oh.

-You?

-No.

-You know...

-What?

You should whiten your teeth a little bit.

You'd look better.

Shave down there a bit.

-Are you leaving?

-No.

I'm calling an ambulance.

-Thanks so much for all your help.

-Oh, for your mother, anything.

You know, not to change the subject, but the other night, the guy you had over for dinner.

-Jay?

-Jay, yeah.

Was he here when it happened?

Yeah. You'll meet him.

Looking forward to that.

-I hope you like him.

-Why wouldn't I like him?

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi. Hi, sweetie.

Nice to see you. Hi, Claire.

Nice to see you again.

-This is my fiancee, Paul.

-Hi.

-This is Charlie.

-Nice to meet you.

He ran the Laundromat that Mrs Barney went to for 30 years.

That's Rose.

DOORBELL RINGS

Yeah, this is Rose and Ricardo.

Good to see you.

-Nice to see you.

-Do you want any meat?

I'm a vegetarian.

I'm Wilma. I'm Claire's friend.

Thanks for coming. Oh, you must be Jay.

Yeah, it's nice to meet you. Jay, can you introduce yourself to everybody?

-I've going to go and take care of the food.

-OK.

-You want a drink?

-I'd like a brownie.

-A brownie? OK.

Hey.

Hey.

Why didn't you tell me that that was her?

I really needed you to be here.

Are they for me? Thank you.

All right, everyone, the food is ready.

Here. A brownie.

And you can help yourself to the food.

-Do I know you?

-I don't think we've met, no.

-I never forget a face.

You're that guy. You're that guy that gave me the parking ticket.

The other day. You're the guy that gave me the fucking ticket.

Wow, God. Well, this is a small world, isn't it?

Aren't you a lucky son of a bitch?

I'm glad this is a wake, otherwise I'd smash your stupid face in and kick your ass right out of here.

Cheers.

Yeah.

Honey?

Everyone, I'd like to make a toast to Mrs Barney.

We all loved her very much.

And we're all going to miss her very much.

And I'd just like to say Merry...

Christmas to everyone.

I know it's the day after tomorrow.

Time flies.

-Can I have a word with you for a minute?

-Yeah.

Excuse me, everyone.

Claire, I have to tell you, there's something strange about that guy.

I mean, I don't like him.

Claire, he's the one he gave me the ticket.

Well...

Oh, Claire. I guess you're going to be hanging out with me and Paul for Christmas.

Yeah, why don't you join us?

I... I'm on call that day.

Not me.

'What else do we have besides this beautiful caramelised Turkey and veggies?'

'We have this colourful basket of Christmas cookies

'and a finely carved cantaloupe with an edible Santa.'

'There's nothing like a holiday season where you can enjoy the love of family and friends.'

BUZZER

Hello? Who is it?

Jay.

Oh, just a minute.

I'll be right there.

Hi there. How are you?

Just lower your voice a little bit.

I'll be fine.

Sorry, I was ...

-I was just excited to see someone at Christmas.

-Oh, someone?

-I meant

-... Yeah, right.

I know, half the time you don't even know what you're saying.

Thank you so much, it's a really nice surprise.

I'm a nice guy.

I'm so nice to you.

I don't think have ever been so nice to anyone.

-What?

-Nothing.

So, how was your Christmas Day?

Uneventful.

Watched a movie on TV.

-Really, is that all?

-Pretty much.

-How was work?

-Quiet.

I only had one call-out.

-What's that?

-What?

-Nothing.

Must have been an optical illusion.

OK.

Ho ho ho.

Oh!

I hope you like it. I don't buy Christmas presents too often, so ...

You want to open it?

-This is for you.

-Really?

Yeah. To say thanks

for all the help with my mum.

Thanks.

Oh! Thanks.

Yeah? Yeah. Like this.

Does that look great or what?

Yeah.

Oh.

Thank you.

I needed one of these.

Good.

Thinking about going anywhere now you've got this hot bikini?

Where?

Well, maybe you don't have to go anywhere to wear it.

Yeah. Maybe.

Hmm?

-Why do you kiss funny?

-I do?

Yeah, a little.

She looks pretty there.

-Yeah.

-All right, I've got a lot of stuff I've got to do before work tomorrow.

Oh.

Is that allowed?

No, it's fine.

It's been great.

-I wasn't expecting anything anyway.

-Well good.

Just keep it that way, and we'll get along just fine.

Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks for the bikini.

Hey.

-How's it going?

-All right.

-Which one is it?

-There she is.

-Right here.

-Boot up Mr Meter Feeder.

All righty.

Hey, hey, hey!

A million thanks for this.

-And Happy New Year.

-Well actually, it's a couple more days.

See, if you learned how to count, maybe you wouldn't get so many parking tickets.

-Fuck you, jackass!

-You too, Buddy.

Ooh!

Get off me you crazy motherfucker.

-You son of a bitch.

-You put your hands on me again, I will kill you.

-Yeah?

-Got it?

-This time I'll report you to the fucking police.

Why would you do that? Let's see who they are going to believe, huh? Motherfucker.

Too many incidents, Officer Caswell.

You're writing a bunch of tickets, and that's great. But you're also putting us at risk.

-The guy tried to hit me.

-Well, you're not supposed to hit him back.

-How about defending myself?

-We're going to suspend you until after the New Year.

You come back 2nd January at 9am and will take it from there, OK?

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hey.

-What are you up to?

-Oh...

You sound horrible.

Sorry, I was just clearing out my mum's room.

How depressing.

That's not what I called to hear.

Oh, I'm sorry. OK, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm OK, really. Yeah.

Look, I was wondering, why don't I just pick you up tomorrow.

-We'll drive to Pomona, we'll get your mother's necklace.

-Really?

Stay in a nice motel and celebrate New Year's together.

Will bring it in with a bang.

Oh.

OK.

-Er, that would be nice.

-Is that a yes or no?

Are you sure you're not working those days?

No, I took them off.

-Really?

-Yeah, really.

You don't believe me. Want to check it out?

No, no, I do believe you.

-Course I believe you. OK.

-Good.

So, I'll be by in the morning. Tell you what, I'm going to beep the horn three times. Come out.

Yeah, sure.

Then start packing.

-Yeah. Take care.

-Good.

"My dearest, dearest, Claire.

"First and foremost, I'm sorry I passed away and left you behind.

"But I guess this is how life wants it.

"Please don't get mad at me when you read this.

"Tom and I were lovers for a long time and I'm sorry I never told you.

"At his death, to acknowledge our extra-marital relationship,

"and also to make sure I would keep it discreet, he left me 897,000.

"I kept it, I guess, as a safety net, but it never really felt right to me.

"I thought this much money would disrupt our lives, if anything, since we're not used to it.

"So I decided at my death to give it back to his family.

"Since you and I have always done not what is best for us,

"but what was right, I leave you all my personal savings, about 3,500.

"It's right here in this envelope.

"Enjoy it. Go on a trip and spend it all.

"I love you and always will.

"Love yourself. Find love. Mom."

CAR HORN TOOTS

Hey you!

Hop, hop, jump in.

-With this?

-Yes with this.

Told you I could pull a few strings at work. Anyway, fuck them.

Serves them right.

Look what I made you. Cut it out last night on some...

Watched some show on TV.

Anyway, you got a seat.

-You sure about this?

-Yeah.

Park it right there. Ooh, look at that. Gushy.

Ah, Pomona.

-A crocodile?

-What?

It's a penguin.

Oh, right! OK, right.

Uh...

What's this?

Ooh, ah, ooh, ah.

Seagull.

-No, it's a kangaroo.

-Oh, right.

# It's all gone, it's all gone

# Way too fast, way too fast. #

You know, if you need entertainment, we've got the radio.

Don't you like the song I was singing?

It's OK.

You know Lovely Rita Meter Maid?

-By heart.

-Sing it.

-Isn't it pretty here?

-Fuck, yeah, it is.

-Oh, look at that dog!

-Where?

-Over there!

-Jesus!

Don't do that.

-What?

-Crossing in front of me like that.

Sorry, I... I didn't cross...

You did. And you should apologise.

You are something else.

Fucking apologise for once.

You never admit you're wrong.

So fucking self righteous.

What? What's going on?

Fuck you.

You mad at me?

Boy, you really know how to push my buttons.

I got these for you when you were in the bathroom.

Go ahead.

Hey, look, Pomona!

It's great here.

Better than I remembered.

Must be me.

Yeah.

Must be.

Please be nice to me.

I am so nice to you.

But it never felt right to me.

I decided at my death

to give it back to his family.

You know, this is total crap.

This money was hers.

She slaved for that Tom asshole lawyer

for years. Slaved! Sucked his dick.

Why didn't she give the money to me if she wanted to give the money away?

If she didn't want to keep the money, why didn't she give it to me?

All she cared about was her principles and her little being right all the time.

I'll tell you something about your mother. Your mother was crazy.

-OK.

-No, don't OK me, honey, because I'll tell you the truth.

-Your mother was crazy! Nuts!

-OK.

You know what, Aunt Tilda?

We've got to be going.

Wait, wait, wait. I have something for you.

We're fucking out of here, right now.

She's certifiably insane.

-No, she's my only relative!

-So what?

She's a selfish bitch. She's like a bad Xerox of your mother.

-Here, take it.

-Oh, wow, it's heavy.

Well, yeah, it's worth some bucks. You know,

it was probably given to her by that Tom. Generous guy, right?

It's too bad he's dead.

He maybe would have given all of us one of those, lovely... Brother.

I would have given him a run for his money. Know what I mean?

-Yeah.

-You know what, Aunt Tilda? We really got to be going cos it's getting late.

Wait, no, no, you're staying here tonight.

You are staying here tonight. I made enchiladas.

Actually, we can't.

I've, uh, reserved a motel room.

No, no way, no way. No damn way, honey. You're staying here!

We're only in town for one night.

Well, then, God damn it, what am I going to do for New Year's Eve?

Who am I going to be with?

# I'm all out of love

# I'm so lost without you

# I know you were right

# Believing for so long I'm all out of love

# What am I without you?

# It can't be too late to say that I was so wrong. #

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Really great. Bravo!

You going to sing something, honey?

Go ahead. When I owned the place it used to rock.

Rock, I tell you!

Hi.

Hey. Happy New Year...

Soon. This is for Jay.

# I learned the truth at 17

# That love was meant for beauty queens

# And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles

# Who marry young and then retire

# The valentines I never knew

# The Friday night charades of youth

# Were spent on one more beautiful

# At 17 I learned the truth

# And those of us with ravaged faces

# Lacking in the social graces

# Desperately remained at home... #

A waste of my life.

I'm the only loser in the family. At least I distinguish myself.

Don't be hard on yourself.

Six years of AA...

..70,148 parking tickets, how's that for a life?

It's still a life, though.

All life is precious.

You know?

You're here now.

And that's all that matters.

You know, we can start a new life, a new beginning, be happy together.

-You're right.

-Yeah. I'm happy right now.

-You are?

-Yeah.

Right here with you.

Happy New Year.

Kiss me.

It's so romantic here.

SHE GIGGLES

Hey. Don't you want to make love to me?

-No.

-Why not?

Cos I'm not in the mood.

What?

What?

-Now I'm going to get the silent treatment?

-No, please!

Why do you take this personally?

Well, there's no-one else here.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm not in the head?

That maybe my head is somewhere else?

Please, you know?

This is so sad.

This is so, so sad. I mean...

What is it? Are you not attracted to me?

-Do I not turn you on?

-Fuck!

Please, just go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

You're tired. You're not even making any sense.

You smell nice.

Where's that bikini I got you? Hmm?

It's in the case.

HE GASPS

-Put it on.

-Now?

-Yes, now.

-Oh, come on, we got to leave.

Put it on right now.

You know, I forgive you too much.

Why do I forgive you at all?

Sshh!

-You're OK?

-Yeah.

I was just thinking maybe you could enrol in some evening classes

and study plasma physics again,

I mean, get close to something that you love.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-You really think that, huh?

-Yeah!

-You have a good time?

-Yeah.

I had a great time.

I got to get ready for work tomorrow morning.

See you.

BEEPS HORN

Come in.

I asked you here for a reason, Miss Barney.

We're very proud of you.

Your performance has been rated excellent.

We will recommend you to the local police department should you decide

to advance your career and go through their academy.

But, Miss Barney,

if for any reason you would like to stay with us,

we're going to offer you a promotion.

Let us know your decision by the end of the month, all right, Miss Barney?

-And congratulations.

-Thanks a lot. Thanks.

You deserve it.

TANNOY: 'Parking enforcement, please pick up line three... '

-Hey!

-You seem in great spirits.

-What's up?

-Did you hear about our friend Jay?

-I don't think he's in good spirits.

-Why? What happened?

-He got fired.

Yeah, something to do with having a fight with a young driver and keeping one of our vehicles for two days.

-And he used the vehicle to accompany someone out of town.

-Let's go.

-Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

ANSWERING MACHINE: 'No-one is available.

'Please leave a message after the tone.'

'Hi, it's Claire, calling to say hi.

I'm a bit concerned.

'I'm starting my shift now, and I hope to talk to you or see you soon.

'OK? Lots of love, bye.'

Hey, thank you very much.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Who is it? Who is it?

It's me, Claire.

Fuck.

Hold on.

-Hey?

-Coming.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi.

So, Nancy Drew. Checking up on me?

No. I've bought you some lunch.

I heard about what happened at work and I...

You know, if I'm not welcome I can go.

Did I say that?

So fucking stop putting words in my mouth. I fucking hate that.

Hello.

Hi.

Come in.

You must feel horrible.

There ain't nobody due over here, this place is a fucking shit hole.

No, I like it.

You have a piece of sky on your wall.

Is that plasma?

Here.

-Let's eat.

-You know what, I already ate.

I bought that for you.

I'll eat.

Thank you.

It looks good.

I needed it.

What's this?

I picked it up this morning.

You can do anything if you set your mind to it, I really believe that.

Who's my only and my biggest fan?

HE WHISTLES

This is great.

PHONE RINGS

In my uniform?

SHE LAUGHS

ANSWERING MACHINE: 'No one is available.

'Please leave a message after the tone.'

'Hey, JJ. It's Crystal from Wet Hot Teens.

'I need a new number, your credit card just expired.

'I can't charge you for Amber, the girl you just had over.

'You know the number. Bye doll.'

SHE GROANS

What?

-Wrong fucking number.

-Oh my God. Oh my God.

You don't believe me? Huh?

You fucking crazy? It happens all the time.

-No.

-What?!

You're being ridiculous.

What is that?

-That's her.

-Don't be a baby.

Oh my God.

It's the fucking internet, it turns me on. So what?

I blow some fucking steam off.

We just went away for a weekend together. We made love.

And we're not fucking married.

No, that's not the point. That is not the point!

You should try making love to a person, not a body.

And you should try losing a few pounds and maybe I wouldn't have to look at this shit.

-You've got some nerve.

-The truth hurts.

Why don't you try counting to three before opening your mouth?

Go on, try it!

I've been putting up with all this shit from you.

I'll tell you why, because I love you.

-I love you.

-Poor Claire.

-No, I love you!

-Poor Claire.

-And you've ruined it. You've ruined it all.

-Leave.

-What?

Leave.

-No.

-Leave!

I feel sorry for you.

Claire.

You know, we talked about this already.

And there can be as many reasons or explanations for it, but sometimes in life you meet an asshole.

You met an asshole.

Say it, you met an asshole. Say it.

-Say, "I met an asshole."

-I met an asshole.

Right, you met an asshole, and now it's time to just move on.

Both with your work and with your life.

And find a new guy.

Have you heard about these pyjama hugging clubs?

They're great. You go to these clubs, right?

And you wear pyjamas, everybody wears pyjamas.

And you get to hug or be hugged or touch or be touched,

and there is no sexual involvement whatsoever.

I think that's just what you need to get you back on your feet.

You know, without having any real involvement.

I don't wear pyjamas.

That's not the point, Claire.

Come here.

# Here's a little moment of truth

# That's going to bring your nature down

# Put your back up against the wall and make it come around

# The story of a dying man

# Trying as best as he can

# To win the word of the woman he is drawn to... #

BUZZER

# ..Here's a little dust left over

# From the stars that are in his eyes. #

Surprise.

Hi.

-Hi.

-These are for you.

-Can I come in?

-OK.

How you been?

OK.

OK?

Can we turn this down?

Yeah, you know, it's OK.

Actually, it's not that bad.

No? I like it too.

It's your son's new CD.

OK.

Maybe you should call him and tell him that you like it.

Maybe I will.

Anyway, I came over here to say that I'm sorry

if I hurt your feelings in any way.

OK.

You have to understand that this whole thing is new to me.

The last time I had a real relationship I was 20,

fucked up out of my mind, and it got me married to that bitch

-and a kid I never expected to have.

-OK.

OK, don't give me this OK treatment, all right?

If you're not happy, you can always leave.

I came over here...

..because...

I wanted to make amends to you.

Let's see if we can make this work out.

I miss you.

I care about you.

I like the way you smell.

You know that? You know, I love the way you smell.

I love the way you feel.