Sylvia Scarlett

Poor Maman!

Well, my life's over. We've nothing left.

You've got ME, Father dear.

I'll work for you just as hard as Mother did. I'll cook...

-You don't know!

-Yes, I do. I loved her, too.

Well, perhaps it's as well she died when she did.

-Father, what is it?

-They're going through my books at the office now.

-Well?

-Well, you see, I had a bit of bad luck playing cards and I-I...

-You took their money?!

-Borrowed it!

And now they're suspicious, the narrow-minded swine! I never did like book-keeping for a lace factory.

-Will they send you to prison?

-Yes! They'll have no mercy.

-Couldn't you go to England?

-Well, where's the fare?!

Well, Mother gave me this. She saved it for me.

It was for when I got married, but I shan't marry. I'll stay with you.

-I suppose there isn't enough to pay back what you borrowed?

-No, but it'll give me a start in England,

-with the help of this lace, if I can get it through Customs.

-Father, that's stealing!

-Just get my bag!

-But...!

-I've a train to catch!

-What will YOU do?

-I'm going with you.

-You've never been out of France!

-I'm half English and I can speak it as well as you.

-But they'd be able to trace a man with a girl!

Well, then I won't BE a girl. I won't be weak and I won't be silly.

I'll be a boy and rough and hard. I won't care what I do!

-Stop that!

-I'm ready for anything!

- Carte de debarquement, madame. - When do we get to Newhaven?

- Two hours, madame. - We'll miss the boat train!

Carte de debarquement, monsieur.

- Carte de debarquement, monsieur. - Hm? ..Oh, merci. Merci bien.

Thank you. And my son? Certainement.

-Oh, my aunt! I thought it was the police! Do you think they might have sent a wire?

-Don't be nervous.

Who do you think HE is?

Did you see him?

-I bet he's gone to the purser!

-Ssh!

WHISTLES: "Au Clair De La Lune"

-Well?

-He's nobody. This is about horse racing.

-It may be a code detectives use.

"Strawberry Darling - 8/1." There's a good thing there.

I'd like to have a talk with him.

-No, no! There might be a tip in that!

-A darn tip landed you in the soup!

I-I...! ..Oh, I don't know!

Hiding me 'ead, driven from me 'ome, afraid of everybody I see!

Oh, there, there! Poor little girl!

-Feeling bad, are you?

-Mmm.

-You're not used to the water.

You stay close to the rail. You'll feel better soon.

..And I got myself married to a Frenchwoman and there you are!

-20 years, sweating me soul out as a book-keeper.

-Too bad. What are you going to do now?

-Here.

-Thanks.

I've got a few ideas, y'know.

# It wasn't the girl I saw you with in Brighton

# Who, who, who's your ladyfriend? #

That was a good song, wasn't it? And you're a good singer.

Here, I'll show you something. Ssh!

Got it wrapped all around me like a corset!

30 yards of it! And it's worth 50 quid if it's worth a sou!

Just slip it through the Customs without paying the duty...!

Then I got a bit of capital to go on with, you see!

Oh, then I got my plans, I do, yeah.

-Viens, Papa. Le bateau est ici.

-Huh?

-C'mon, Father, the boat's in.

-Your son, is it?

-Yes. Sylv...

-Sylvester.

-Making his first trip to England. And this is Mr...?

-Jimmy Monkley.

-Nobody's enemy but me own.

-I can tell that by the look of you.

-Hey!

-You're a bit ticklish, aren't you? Just checking for more lace.

-Well, toodle-oo. See you later.

-Not if

-I

-can help it!

-Back off!

-Wait a minute, will you?

Any wool, lace, clocks, watches,

cigarettes, wines, tobacco, silk, artificial silk?

-Do you mind coming along with me, sir?

-What for?

-A few enquiries.

-Thanks very much, sir.

-Don't mention it. Will I open me bag?

-No, it's OK.

-Fine. Goodbye.

-Thank you, sir.

Oh, poor Papa! Quel malchance!

Oh-h!

The way they talked to me. Anybody would think I was a criminal!

So I am. ..And a beggar, too.

He fined me all me money. English ham rolls.

-And your mother's dead and I'm...!

-Don't cry, Father.

Hang it! You've got me, too!

-If only you hadn't talked to that brute on the boat.

-Why?

-W-Was it him?

-Yes.

-What a fool I was!

-Yes.

Well, we're all fools sometimes, only you choose such awkward times.

Well, it's all over now. We're together - that's all that matters.

WHISTLE

Hurry! ..Here!

He was a dirty dog to give you away like that. I hated his rotten face the minute I saw him!

-I'd like to see him again. I'd take hold of that oily, black hair and...!

-Ah!

Anything else you can think of? Here I am. Now what?

UPROAR

-..and all that beautiful lace!

-Here, here, here!

-Can't we deal with this like gentlemen?

-You spy! You Judas!

-Can't you shut him up while I explain?

-Papa, tais-toi!

-Tais-toi, Papa! Now, how much did you say your little piece of lace was worth?

-3,000 francs.

-3,000 francs. £45. £30 you might get for it. Then the fine.

-I WAS fined!

-£50, am I right?

-Yes.

-All right.

Here you are - 30 and 50 makes 80, don't it?

Here it is.

30...and 50.

And for your inconvenience, let's make it up to the round figure.

What d'you say to that?

Thank you!

-No, thank YOU.

-For what? Be careful, Father. He's up to something.

Listen. Next time you're smuggling, watch out for an amateur who talks too much.

Pass on his little game to a Customs Officer,

who, recognising you as a gentleman, lets YOUR cargo in duty-free!

Oh, what a nerve!

-He's got imagination!

-I wish I could imagine why you coughed up that money.

-You do?

-Yes.

-Cos you're one of the right sort. Keen, got plenty of ginger. Am I right?

-Y-Yes, I...!

-You could learn things.

-What?

Who am I? Jimmy Monkley, gentleman adventurer. One of the 'awks.

-Orks? ..Oh, hawks!

-Yeah, 'awks, that's the word. Sparrers and 'awks.

The 'awks boss it over the sparrers. That's nature.

You want to be a sparrer? Look at 'em all around - mere slaves. ..Me?

I'm out to beat the system. I'm free. Easy come, easy go.

-I'm a fellow who's a rolling stone.

-I'm a rolling stone, too!

-Why don't you two come and roll along with me - one for all and all for one?

-Like the three musketeers!

-Yeah, what d'you say, old chap? Can't you see us having fun?

-I'll be an 'awk.

-How about you, young fella?

-Monk, I'm with you!

-WAILING:

-Ah, il n'y a rien a faire!

-SOBBING:

-Quel malheur!

What's the matter? Foreigner, I think.

But why's he crying? I don't know, ma'am.

Excuse me!

Un moment! Un moment! Qu'est-ce que c'est que ca?

Oh, madame, je suis bien malheureux.

Je vous prie d'avoir pitie de moi!

RAPID, EMOTIONAL FRENCH

Er, pardon? Je suis un peu...deaf.

Demandez de gendarmes.

Oh-h-h! Il n'y a rien a faire!

Excuse me, sir.

-What's the matter, my lad?

-Monsieur, je suis desespere!

-UNE moment!

-Doesn't anyone here speak French?

-Excuse me, sir. I speak a little French. Can I be of assistance?

Yes, there's something up with this young lad. What are the details?

I'll do my best.

-Qui as-tu, mon garcon?

-Monsieur, je suis tout seul dans un pays etrange.

Je n'ai pas d'argent. Je ne peux pas parler un mot d'anglais.

He's a French boy, alone in London, penniless, can't speak any English.

-- Not a word? - Pas un mot?

-Pas un mot!

-Not a word.

-Et alors?

-A Paris, j'ai travaille pour faire vivre ma vielle mere.

In Paris, he worked hard to support his old mother.

-Et alors?

-Mon pere n'est qu'un soulard et un voleur.

-His father is a drunkard, a thief.

Alors, j'ai rencontre un Anglais qui a pris toutes mes economies et m'a promis un bon emploi a Londres.

He met an Englishman who took his savings, promising work in London.

-Et alors?

-Je ne peux pas parler de...

-Quoi donc?

-SOBBING BROKENLY:

-Il...n'est...jamais...arrive!

Oh-h, pauvre petit!

Well, what happened?! What did the young fella say?

-The Englishman never turned up. CROWD: Aw-w!

-What an infamous racket!

-Well, our garcon, here is £1 for you.

-Oh, mais non!

-No, take it, my boy, take it!

-Je vous remercie infinement.

-Good afternoon.

Sir, let me shake your hand. A heart of gold, sir!

-Come now, old chap, I've not always been all I should be.

-Well, who has?

I welcome a chance to put an item on the right side of the ledger above.

Un moment. One moment. I can't afford to be as generous as you, but a little contribution might help.

Oh, that's very decent indeed!

-Is a couple of bob any good?

-Oh, merci!

-Let's show him what Englishmen are! ..Would you lend your hat, sir?

-Yes.

-I'll start the collection with another £1.

-I'll add a bit more.

Very good!

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

Oh, mes amis, maintenant je suis sauve!

..Hey!

He's put in a 6d and taken out 2/6d!

You dirty little rogue!

What did you say?

< "Not a word"?

Oh, mes amis, pardon! Je savais quelques mots.

< I want my sixpence back! You little liar, you!

UPROAR

I spend all me time teaching that kid all I know and what happens?!

Oh, there you are! Come in here!

So you burst out laughing again? Keep it up! Keep it up!

-Soon we won't have a roof over our heads!

-I haven't got a hat over mine now!

-Oh, shut up about your hat!

I've got to think of something.

-SHE YAWNS NOISILY

-We gotta think of something quick!

-Now, where's me ideas?

-I'm hungry!

-And I'm thirsty.

-Three eggs...

-OK, fry 'em. Make some tea.

-You know what tea does to a man's insides?!

-Shut up and let me think!

-Tea(!)

Well, there's the Polly trick. ..No, no, that needs capital.

There's smash 'n' grabs, but that's no good without a car.

-Ugh!

-What, is your egg bad?

-No, yours.

-Now, now. Don't be so clever!

We've got our backs to the wall.

-Out of my way! I must think of something. What's happened to me ideas?

-They're all bad!

-What's that?

-These eggs.

-I might snatch a bag.

-Rotten thing to do. I want to be like Robin Hood.

-See this about a cat burglar. Now, I'd like to swarm up a drainpipe.

-You'd lose your nerve.

-I would not!

You've got no more sense than a girl! You can use a girl for a lot.

-If only we had one. There's a badger game...

-Would a girl really help?

-If we had a girl, we'd be on Easy Street.

-Would we?

-We've a surprise for you.

-"Youth who struck father released."

-What's the matter with him?

-Oh, something in the paper.

Show girls a bit of humour, bit of affection, you can handle them proper.

And if they get rowdy, set 'em aside, get another.

-If I was a girl, I rather die than get mixed up with you!

-Now, now.

-As a matter of fact...

-Girls talk. You wouldn't want all your secrets told, Father.

-Now, where's the idea, where's the idea?

-I've got it!

-Why in the world didn't I think of it before?

-What is it?

-Spit it out!

Why don't we get jobs and go to work?

Hey-y!

-That kid's gone off his rocker.

-Can't he see what work's done to me?

Quiet! Let me think! We've got our backs right up against a wall!

-I knew I'd think of something! Life in the old dog yet!

-Riches!

-Ssh! We don't want that kid of yours tagging along.

-Right you are.

-Here, if we're going to a house of the aristocracy, I'll need a hat.

-I hadn't thought of that.

Here, borrow the piano tuner's.

-How do I look in it?

-Like an impresario! And so you shall be!

-Right.

-Right!

-Maudie!

-SHE SHRIEKS WITH LAUGHTER

You ARE awful! What will the other gentleman think?!

He's broadminded, being theatrical, as you see by his hat. Mr Scarlett,

-meet Miss Tilt, otherwise known as Maudie.

-How do you do? Pleased to meet you!

No, the pleasure's mine. After being abroad, it's a privilege to meet a true English rose.

-Without a thorn!

-Oh, you are awful!

Wonderful background here - marvellous setting! What atmosphere!

How did you guess I was all on me lonesome, coming to the front door?

I read in the newspaper the family were off for a jaunt on the briny.

Just the opportunity for you to get acquainted with Mr Scarlett.

-He's organising concert parties looking for talent.

-Oh, really?!

-I say, Scarlett, old man?

-Yes?

You've heard many beautiful singers, but this little girl is the goods.

-Really?

-She's gonna show you what she can do on the grand piano.

-You'll thank me, I'm sure.

-What a lovely idea!

-Allow me.

-Maudie, Maudie, here. ..'Scuse me, will you?

-Yes.

Look, I don't like the idea of Mr Scarlett seeing you like this. Might affect your contract.

Here, why not borrow one of the mistress's Paris gowns, show yourself off?

Yeah, I might. They suit me better than her, I must say!

And look, Maudie, put on a few sparklers, too.

-Henry, old man, Maudie's gonna put on some glad rags.

-Can I assist you?

-Sometimes you ladies require help in the later stages of la toilette, Miss Tilt.

-Oh, call me Maudie!

Oh, love to! SHE SHRIEKS WITH LAUGHTER

I 'ope you're not bored, Mr Scarlett, sitting all on your own.

No, I'm thinking of you!

Oh, you oughtn't to do that, really!

-Not as I am now!

-Well, if you look in here...!

Oh, well I never! You've put his black velvet breeches on what he wears at Buckingham Palace!

We professional people never can resist a costume!

Vive l'Empereur! Tell me, does it suit me?

-You look aristocratic!

-How do you look?

-Don't you dare!

-Yes, yes - come on!

-No, no!

-Just one minute - come on!

Oh-h!

-Help me, I'm falling!

-Oh, we shall all be killed!

UPROAR

Help!

Help! Help! Open this window! Help!

-He-elp!

-Why, you little devil!

-I'll fall!

-Oh, come on in!

-Oh-h! I said I could be a cat burglar!

-Cat burglar(!)

-You two can come in.

-Lucky I didn't break my neck.

-I could break it FOR you!

-What is all this?

-It's that kid of yours again.

-..What IS this?

Why, it's Little Lord Fauntleroy!

-Now, none of that. You ought to apologise for frightening this young lady.

-What a fine place!

-Time to go!

-No, let me stay!

-I've never seen a society lady before.

-Such a nice boy!

-Thank you.

-Don't be hard on him. Let him stay, to please me!

-No, he's not...

Well, I'd do anything to please YOU!

-Hurrah!

-Oh, I'm all in deshabille! I quite forgot! I'll be with you in a tick.

-Don't be long!

Don't forget what I said - plenty of sparklers.

# In all the world

# In all the whole wide world

# There is a time, there is a place

# I'm told

# There must be somebody

# Who wants a kiss Who wants a kiss

# Who wants a kiss from me-e-e! #

-Oh, bravo! C'est magnifique!

-You think you could find a little room for me?

-We gotta go. Got a lot of business tomorrow.

-But I'm enjoying meself!

-I'd have to leave the music and the beautiful girl!

-Oh, don't go!

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

It's lovely. Let's stay for ever!

-You've got wonderful things before you with me behind you.

-I'll give you a kiss for that!

-How about a little kiss for Uncle?!

-I shall never forget you brought the dear man here!

Here, here, here! ..Here!

-Come on, we've a lot to do tomorrow.

-It seems too good to be true.

-It ain't much of a life in service.

-Oh, you won't be here much longer.

-No.

-Think of the glitter, the applause, the jewels!

-Like these!

-What's the matter, dear?

-The mistress's pearls and her brooch!

Oh, what a fool I was to monkey about with them!

-Don't holler. Perhaps you dropped 'em.

-Come and help me find them!

If I don't find them, they'd send for the police! ..I'm ruined!

-Oh, you'll find them all right. (..C'mon, let's go home.)

-No, wait!

You're a very silly girl.

Don't you see what he's done?

-What're you getting at?

-You think he's a theatrical producer and HE'S a friend and I'm a very nice boy.

Do you know what we are? He's a crook, he's a crook and...

HE'S a crook.

Three bad eggs and we were all broke this afternoon.

-You ain't pinched them from me, have you?

-I bet he has!

-He's had too much to drink. Let's go! I've had enough.

-So have I!

I thought it was fun at first, like being a highwayman.

But getting a poor servant girl out of her job, I'm not having it.

I'm sick of it! I want the sea! I want the sea!

Well, go and drown yourself in it!

Oh-h-h!

Oh-h-h, you're gonna give her back those jewels, Jimmy Monkley!

-Oh, please, Jim, do!

-It seems a bit hard.

-I haven't got 'em!

-I'll yell for a policeman.

-Oh, no need for that!

-I'll tell them about Marseilles.

-The youth of today!

-What will I DO?!

-Aw, shut up!

I mean what I say. Hand them over, or I'll yell the place down.

Your last chance!

Go on, yell your blasted head off.

HELP! HELP!

-Oh, you are a sport! I don't know how to thank you.

-Don't be sloppy.

Don't be angry with me, Jim.

-Shut your...big silly mouth. ..You, go upstairs and change your clothes. Hurry up.

-I'm going!

Don't take all night! Go on!

-Now there ain't gonna be a concert party. I wouldn't have believed it of you.

-I couldn't help it.

Now I shall have to slave away here, instead of performing by the sea.

The sea, but...but... but we must perform by the sea!

We'll give him back the jewels.

-Let's be a concert party and give shows round all the little seaside towns.

-Do you really mean it?!

-You're barmy. Where's your capital?

-We can manage it somehow!

-You can have my savings and welcome.

-I drink to your generosity, Maudie, my love.

-We'll hire a caravan...

-I propose the health of little caravan.

-..a trailer for our scenery.

-A trailer!

And cook over a campfire and sleep under the stars, somewhere with a view of the sea!

-Oh-h...come on, Monk, join in!

-Perhaps I will. Perhaps you've hit upon something!

-Hurrah! We'll go by the sea!

-Yeah!

# I do like to be beside the seaside

# Oh, I do like to be beside the sea

# Oh, I do like to stroll along the prom, prom, prom

# Where the brass band plays Tiddly-om-pom-pom

# Oh, I do like it Down beside the seaside

# I'll be beside myself with glee

# Yeah, I like to be beside I would like to be beside Beside the seaside, beside the sea. #

# Bluebells I've gathered Take them and be true

# When I'm a man, my plan

# Will be to marry you...

-# All together... #

-Fresh air, peace and quiet,

-a good appetite. A few more bottles of beer and we'd be in clover.

-Still, there's higher things.

Come on, Maudie! Help me wash up.

-I've got to keep me hands nice to attract the public. I'll keep you company, though.

-Mind how you go.

-I've got to go bye-bye.

-All right.

Mind the steps.

-There's a girl!

-Well, well, hubby, how's married life treating you, eh?

-Comme ci, comme ca.

-Tell me something. Is it all it's cracked up to be?

Don't take that tone, old man. You're talking about something sacred.

I say, isn't this a lark!

Not half! Enjoy yourself, that's my motto. You're only young once, I always say.

But you mustn't be too young.

When are you going to grow some whiskers? Your face is as smooth as a girl's.

-You'll be bristly soon enough.

-I intend to grow a moustache in a year or two.

-You won't 'alf look a lad! What you gonna have? A Charlie Chaplin?

-No, one of those thin ones.

Like Ronald Colman? Where's me eyebrow pencil? Let's see how it'll look.

I want to get it like Ronald Colman.

-Ow!

-Hold still now. Wait a minute. Let me get it right.

-Oh, I say, that's marvellous!

-I say, I wonder what it'd be like to kiss anybody with a moustache like that.

-I don't know.

-Let's try.

-What did you want to do that for?

-Don't you like kissing? Time you had some practice. I'll show you.

-No.

I...I've got a girl already.

-Hello, ducky!

-Lovey-dovey, how goes it, eh?

Oh...

-Must be the fresh air. I feel ready for bed.

-I've been dreaming a bit... of you.

-No, have you? Go on!

-I hate to leave my little angel sugar drop.

-Sugar drop loves her baby man!

And little Sylvester wants to knock your fatsy-watsy heads together.

Love!

Ah, there you are. About time we turned in, isn't it?

-Where's your tent?

-My what?

-You were going to sleep in a tent.

-Oh, catch me!

-I'll sleep in it. Where is it?

-There ain't no tent.

-Huh?

-The truth is, I put the money on an 'orse.

-You what?

-There's plenty of room for both of us here. Get your pyjamas.

-But...but...

-But, but, but what?

-Well, I... I'm afraid I snore.

-Well, I'll give you a clump on the head every time I hear you.

-I kick, too.

-Ah, never mind. It's a bit nippy tonight. You'll make a proper little hot-water bottle.

No, no. I'm stuffy... It's...dizzy. I...

What's the matter with you? I took a bath last Saturday night.

# Hello! Hello! We're going to start the show

# I think you're going to put us to the test

# With comedy and song and dance The Pink Pierrots will do their best

# I am the comic of the show With laughter, song and jest

# I'll try and entertain you all... I'll introduce the rest

# To aid that comic is my job And then if you approve, a poem I'll recite to you, any one you choose

# In me, you see the baritone In fact, I'm everything

# I play for all the other three And then I have to sing

# In me, you see the sweet soubrette For you, I'll sing and dance

# I'll sing a little melody You just give me a chance. #

LAUGHTER

# Who wants a kiss...

# Who wants a kiss from me?

# A little kiss... A little kiss from me?

# Why, some desire laughter

# And some melody

# Some cards and some roses

# Some want luxury... #

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen,

and that fake audience over there on the boat! YOU! The man that makes a girl cry! SHUT UP!

If you think you're so much cleverer than we are, get up here and do a turn yourself!

APPLAUSE

Well...

I owe an apology to our friends. I should think so!

I had no intention of distressing this charming young lady.

-I laughed only at the sad thought that I had so little hope of getting a kiss from her.

-Oh, don't say that.

That's not the sort of entertainment we want here.

And as for this young man, who taught me a lesson, I beg him to shake hands with me.

My dear fellow, I beg your pardon.

-PIANO FANFARE

-Ladies and gentlemen,

having had a liberal sample of our friend's humour here, we'll return to the business of entertaining you.

Mr Sylvester Scarletto will sing The Winkle On The Boarding-House Floor.

-Don't stop and listen to this.

-Why not?

-Well, it's horrible.

-All right.

I like you. Come up to my studio after the show and let's make a party of it, eh? Bring your pals.

Ask for Michael Fane.

DANCERS SING "La-la-la"

What's the matter with you both?

-Don't you think it's fine?

-What?

-Singing, laughing, dancing and wine

in an orchard, and all in the moonlight.

Grab him!

Here's to you!

SINGING CONTINUES

'Ere, 'ere, 'ere, what d'you think you're doing?

Look at him, will you?

-What time do you make it?

-Here.

You know, there is something about you...

Well...

as a matter of fact...

I'm...not...

-Ah-h!

-Huh?

Hello!

I'm pleased to see you, Lily! We're having a surprise party.

Come on, come on!

- And we sold all my nice furniture. - Oh, too bad.

Becky asked me down here, so I came.

- How long do you stay? - Till Becky is too dull, perhaps?

Or her parents are too shocked, or I am too bored.

Well, don't get bored too soon. It's marvellous having you here.

MOANING

Oh, Maudie...

I love you, Maudie.

Don't do it.

Oh...

Maudie...

She WILL...

She WILL do it.

No, no, she mustn't. I can't stand it, I tell you.

Hey, say he follows her about. Say she's gonna run off with him.

- He follows her. - No-o... - And soon she'll run away.

No, she mustn't. You're driving me mad!

Is that your idea of a joke?

Come on, Father. It's all right.

Where am I?

Oh...

I had such a nightmare. I dreamt that I was...

Maudie...

-Maudie, where is she?

-She's gone home.

Is this Maudie in costume also? Yes.

< Why are you laughing? You saw her!

-No, she did not.

-Yes, carrying on with some fellow!

Oh, no, no. You're just playing a joke.

-Come on, Father, let's go.

-Oh, so you've woken up now.

-I've just been for a little stroll.

-You brazen baggage! She saw you with him!

-What a wicked lie!

-Yes, it's a lie.

You shouldn't be so rude. Such a pretty boy! I say, Lily...

But, darling, I said nothing. He had an eye glass and a moustache.

There you are. That's it!

Look here. Come here... MAUDIE SCREAMS

-Well, well. 'Ere, two to one on the skirt.

-Get them apart.

-Don't stop them. I adore the fight.

Adore that, then, you mischief-making cat!

-You don't need to help me out of here!

-Come on, the rest of you!

Well, I'm afraid I must go now. Goodbye.

-Get along with you.

-Don't worry about us. We're going.

MAUDIE AND HENRY ARGUE AS THEY GO

COME ON!

Come on. Don't give them another free show.

Such a clown! He was a jolly old clown. Now, he's miserable, thanks to you.

And you've made a nice boy behave like a swine. It was only a little joke!

-You disgraced us, in front of the gentry! I'm sure she ain't no better than she should be.

-I hate her.

-And he's as bad.

-It don't do to step out of your class.

HORN HOOTS

A pretty fast piece of skirt, eh?

-OTHERS PROTEST

-I like the way that car goes.

I like her.

Dirty road hog!

Hold on to me, dear. I'll look after you.

STONES ARE THROWN AT WINDOW

Hey, who's that?

Please...it's me.

Oh.

-I came to say I was sorry.

-So you should be.

Yes, I know.

-Would you mind if I... said goodbye?

-Not at all.

Well...

goodbye.

Goodbye.

I can't imagine why I acted like that tonight. I hadn't any right ever to come here. I thought I had.

But...no.

You were right to chuck me out. Everything was so lovely and...

I made it horrible.

I'm cheap. I'm loud-mouthed. I can't control myself. I never could.

But poor old thing, he goes mad with jealousy and...

and so...well...

Goodbye.

-Wait a minute.

-I brought some money to pay for the things we broke.

It's all I've got. I hope it's enough. Here you are.

Here, come on up.

Come on. Come on up.

Now, look here, I know I'm right. You are an exceedingly nice boy, but why did you hit a woman?

Well...

you don't understand.

If you understood, you wouldn't think it was so bad of me.

You see, I'm not...

..going to see your father treated like that. Miss Levetsky was wrong.

-That's all right.

-She's a strange girl.

She's a Russian girl, an exile.

Just lives for one sensation after another. Oh, well, let's forget about it, shall we?

-We'll have a drink.

-No. No, thank you, I...

-No?

-No.

-Oh, women, women... They always mess things up.

-Yes, I hate women, too. I just want to forget they exist.

Don't you?

-Well, I had the same thought just before you came in.

-Oh...

-But let's be reasonable, Sylvester.

Which would you rather? Spend the day with a duke, a great artist, an explorer or a really pretty girl?

-I'd choose the great artist, of course.

-I'd plump for the pretty girl every time.

-Oh?

Hey, I know what it is that gives me a queer feeling when I look at you!

-There's something in you that I've painted.

-Oh?

-That's what it must be. Look, will you come and sit for me?

-I'll sit for you till my bones crack.

Here, this'll clinch the bargain.

-Oh, no...

-Go on. Take it.

Come over about teatime tomorrow.

You might bring your costume with you.

All right. Sure, I...

Yes, I...

I suppose I had better go.

-Or you can bed down here, if you want to.

-No, I can't.

Suit yourself.

Oh, light out.

Thanks. Do you want me to open the door for you?

No, no, I...

I like the window.

Goodnight!

Goodnight.

GIRLS SQUEAL

EXCITED CHATTER

Come along, Ingrid!

I'm coming!

Wait for me! Hey! Wait for me!

Mr Fane?

Mr Fane!

Is that you, Sylvester? Come in!

May I?

Shan't be a moment. Been picking apples and thought I'd have a bath.

-Oh?

-Come on in. Let's see how that costume looks by daylight.

-I haven't got it on yet.

-Well, get into it.

I say, can you see my trousers out there? You might bring them in to me.

-No, I can't see them.

-Oh, well, never mind. I'll come out for 'em.

Oh-oh, no!

-Hey! What in the name of...?

-You're not undressed, are you, Mr Fane?

What?

Good heavens, boy, what are you up to?

Oh, I see!

You're really a girl! I wondered why I was talking to you as I did!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

I say, I hope I didn't say anything to you I shouldn't have.

Well, well! Who'd have thought I wouldn't know a girl when I saw one?

Come on! Sit down, you oddity. Sit down, you crowing hen.

You freak of nature! Sit down. Let's have a look at you.

HE LAUGHS

-Well, what is so funny?

-Only the way you stick out your legs!

-I didn't ask you to look at them.

-Oh, don't be angry.

Oh, what a pierrot party! What a prize package!

Oh, I shall die!

-Well, I'll go and spare your life.

-No, I'm sorry. Have I offended you?

Come, come. I didn't mean it. There. You're a jolly girl.

A pretty girl, too.

No...no.

Chuck it, I say!

Hm.

A vixen, eh?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to hit you.

Why, I...I'm rough and clumsy. I should have stayed as a boy. It's all I'm fit for.

Who wants more hobbledehoys in the world? There's always room for another pretty girl. You're charming!

Oh, yes!

-Yes, yes. My hair's charming, I suppose.

-It's very amusing.

Yes, my freckles, they're amusing, too. Look at them!

-And the way I stand.

-You're nice from your head to your toes.

-My toes!

-They freeze to death in these shoes.

-Big feet, eh?

-I have.

-With no trouser pockets, I don't know what to do with my hands.

-Give them five rounds with a nailbrush.

What?

Oh...

Poor child.

So I hurt her feelings, did I?

I said the sort of things she was saying herself, and she didn't like it. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

No, I... I'm sorry. I'm just a fool.

-Of course. But I'll tell you the cure. You've got to learn the tricks of the trade.

-Tricks? Not me.

Men'll play tricks on you, so you'd better be armed.

-Don't squeak and squeal about your freckles and your hair. Remember you are a very charming person.

-I'm not.

-You are!

-I

-say so.

-And all the funny bits are charming, too. They're the spice.

-You're just saying that.

Oh-h, don't be coy!

-Don't be coy.

-I'm not!

-Yes, you are.

-You're a liar!

Temper, temper.

Oh, you'll make a sophisticated young lady, all right.

You'll soon play the game like all the rest of your sex.

You'll take compliments for granted, lie, tease, pretend indifference, pretend you're fond of somebody else.

-Is that good?

-Oh, certainly. And you'll refuse our kisses as before, only a little more gracefully.

One hopes that you will bend lower.

And lower.

CAR HORN

What idiot's that?

-I thought you were going home.

-I changed my mind.

-I could wait for you.

-No need.

Darling!

I know. I'm bad.

I've been so wicked.

Don't scold me too much.

Be nice.

Well...you know I always forgive you.

Why don't you smile at me?

- Oh! What is she like? - Who? What do you mean?

The one you have in there. How did you know? I see her in your eyes. Goodbye.

No. Come and see her. Why, she'll amuse you.

But who...?

The little pierrot boy!

- Were you a girl dressed as a boy, or are you a boy dressed as a girl? - Sylvester is Sylvia.

How charming.

How lovely she is! Yes, isn't she?

And you're very strong. I know that. I must give you that back.

I'm terribly sorry about last night.

Oh, let's forget about Sylvester. Sylvia's so much more charming. Perfect.

My friend, do you get up late or go to bed early? I was just having a bath.

Very nice English custom, the bath in the afternoon. I'll go and put some things on.

HE SINGS TO HIMSELF

-Shan't be three minutes. You can time me.

-I haven't a watch.

Isn't he so...?

Oh, but this is so lovely! It's beautiful! It's a poem.

Now, what do you mean?

But you can tell me, my dear. To me, Michael is a very dear friend.

Really?

But...I...I thought...last night, that you and he were...

were...um...um...

So that's why you hit me? You child. You were jealous.

I'm ashamed.

Oh, no. It's natural to love... and to be jealous.

And you're very happy.

Yes.

He loves you very much, I see that.

Do you?

How?

-Do you really think so?

-Oh, but he must!

He's told you how lovely you are?

Well...

-He's kissed you?

-Oh, no!

-Yes, he has.

-So you must know that he loves you.

-Oh...

Perhaps.

Perhaps he does.

Did you time me? Two minutes, ten seconds. World record.

You got into your clothes all because of me. The rest of the world will benefit.

Now, how about some tea? Perhaps I will not stay to tea.

What? I'm always too late.

You have my whole life in that.

Hello, hello. Talking in riddles again. I smell trouble. I never learn.

I play with things too long, then they hurt me.

I have played with you, and you've begged me and forgiven me, and I haven't cared.

And suddenly...

perhaps I do care.

And now... Now what?

You and you.

Hmm? You've stolen her from that bad handsome pierrot man.

You can't play those blasted tricks on me. You know I adore you.

But what a pleasant consolation. Pretty, simple, innocent. Just what you like.

Don't be ridiculous. Can't you see she's only a child? She knows nothing of that sort of thing. And anyway...

Darling, forgive me. I'm so silly.

I will stay for a long time.

I'll go and make the tea. Won't be a minute.

I...

I think that I will have to go.

Goodbye.

-Oh, but why, child?

-Don't call me child. I'm not.

You see, somebody's waiting for me, too.

-That bad, handsome pierrot man that you didn't steal me away from.

-You mean YOU and THAT fellow...?

Well, why not?

Just like you and you and... And goodbye. He'll very angry with me if I'm late.

Hello! Going my way, little girl?

Met you before somewhere, haven't I?

Well, well, well!

What's the matter? Had a bit of a disappointment at the studio, eh?

Well, you stay among your own pals.

From now, we'll be a proper little foursome. You know that? I like you.

Well... Have you come out in your true colours?

-Oh, don't do that, my dear. Keep hid. Keep hid.

-What's the matter with you, Father? Are you drunk?

-No, I...

Sh-she's gone shopping.

Do you think she's gone shopping, eh?

I keep on fancying that... she's with that fellow. She...I...

Hoo-hoo!

Here's little Buttercup!

-Thank heaven you've come.

-I've got us some... Holy snakes!

-I don't believe it! You're a...

-Maybe you can't believe it, but still I'm a girl, more's the pity.

-I must have another look at her.

-Leave her alone. She's upset.

-Get the tea ready, so we can start packing.

-Packing?

-Yes, we're moving on.

-Who says so?

-I say so. We all say so. Now look slippy.

-I say we ain't going.

Oh, yes, we must go, my dear, because this place is getting me down. I get crazy ideas here.

I keep thinking some fellow's following you about, but now that I know we're all going away...

I know it's all right. It's all tommyrot, but sometimes, you know, it seems as real to me as...

as that rat there.

-Go on up and get cooking, then you can make your little arrangements. Here you are.

-Make arrangements?

Perhaps I well, then, after all.

Where are you, Maudie?

Maudie!

MAUDIE!

Maudie! Maudie!

She's gone!

-Where did she go?

-I don't know. I woke up with the thunder.

-Don't go out there. Maybe she'll come back.

-I must.

-No!

-Let go!

No!

Maudie! Maudie! Maudie!

Father! Father, come back! You'll never find her in this storm!

FATHER!

FATHER!

You'll never find him in weather like this. He'll call off and come back. Go back to bed.

No, I...

I must find him.

-He's lost. I must go and find him.

-Give me that lantern.

-Are you going, too?

-Of course I am. Come on.

-Hurry.

FATHER!

-FATHER!

-HENRY!

FATHER!

-The door is still open. He hasn't come back yet.

-He'll be resting, while we've been walking all night.

No, no, no. Wait a minute.

I'll go. You stay here.

I know.

Take it easy, take it easy.

Poor kid.

Now, now, don't take it too hard.

Poor old thing.

Well...he's out of it. Let's go down.

All right.

Remember how jolly he was when we first started out?

Everything's always jolly when you start out.

Hard liquor and a soft heart, that's what you might say he died of.

Oh, well.

-Pity she got hold of him, though.

-Pity anybody ever gets hold of anybody.

-You still fretting about that artist?

-No.

-I should hope not.

Why, the fellow didn't even bother to come round and give you a word of sympathy.

-Let's forget about him.

-That's the stuff.

The way I look at it, maybe we ain't good enough for some people.

To tell you the truth, though, I got an eyeful of that Russian girl of his. Saw her in the town yesterday.

And the day before.

Oh, well, what of it?

What of it?

You and me, we suit. And there's a little bit of warm-heartedness, too.

-Yes, I know.

-Course you do.

Who else is fond of you like I am, eh? Nobody!

Nobody.

I tell you what, let's you and me muck along together and let the rest of the world go to pot.

-All right, then.

-..That's it!

Here.

N-not here. Let's wait until we get away from here. It won't be long.

No, I'll get the water buckets at the trough and then we'll get going.

And, kid...!

Michael, Michael! >

Michael! >

Michael, help! >

Michael! ..Michael!

MONK! ..MONK!

-Monk! ..Monk!

-What is it, Sylv?

Michael! ..Michael!

What's up, Sylv?

-Sylv, where are you?

-HELP! >

Help!

Michael!

Help!

Well, I suppose you'd better go and get Mr Fane.

Half a mo', half a mo'. There's something fishy about this.

-Let's hear what she has to say.

-That's none of our business.

-Let him take her away, that's all we want, isn't it?

-I suppose so.

Look, look.

She looks...

I don't know - broken...

..and so...so lovely.

Who'd think she could be such a beast?

Well, I suppose it's just her luck, like mine.

Why haven't you gone?

Whose errand boy do you think I am? He wants his girl, let him take better care of her. It ain't my job.

Well, I'll go myself, then.

Well, you're the proper little Cupid, aren't you?

-Hey, I thought you hated her!

-Well...

I hated her because of something.

But now I see. ..Monk, she must be terribly in love with him.

Think of it.

She was ready to die.

That must mean a terrible lot.

And...he loves her. I know, you see.

It's wrong, wrong.

Oh, she don't even think of that.

If she'd met a good-looking yokel on her way to the water, she wouldn't be here now.

You've got the mind of a pig.

It's a pig's world.

Maybe, for you and me. But not for her, if I can help it.

I-I'm glad you didn't go to him. I'll go to him myself

and I'll tell him what she did and what she's like

and then he'll come and take her and they'll be happy again...

..and you and I can go.

Mr Fane?

Oh, Sylvia! My dear, I'm so sorry about your father. I only heard this afternoon.

-Listen, your friend is at the caravan.

-Oh?

-Yes, you must come. You must be very kind to her.

-You must put everything right.

-But...!

-She tried to drown herself.

-Good heavens! Is she all right?

-Yes.

-Oh, thank goodness!

-Don't let her be unhappy. She was saved this time, but...

-Who saved her?

-Come on.

-Was it you?

-Yes.

Oh, bless your heart! ..The car's outside. Come on, hurry up!

-It's gone! It's gone!

-Gone?!

Do you think he ran her down to the doctor's? ..That must be it.

-That isn't it at all! We must save her.

-From what?

-Monkley.

-Monkley?

-The dirty swine's run off with her.

-Is he a lunatic?

-No, he wanted her.

-I'll break his neck!

-They've only been gone 10 minutes.

-We'll get him!

-Well, which way?

-Which way could they have gone?

-There's a house down there. I'll ask them.

-Run! I'll look down this way.

Have you seen a caravan pass by?

-What's a caravan?

-It's a little house on wheels. Gypsies have them.

-CHILD GIGGLES

-Have you seen a caravan pass by?

-Yes, just a short time ago.

-Really?

-Wait a minute!

-What?

-My dress!

-No!

UPROAR

Sylvia! Where have you got to?

Come on!

Oh-h!

-Whose clothes are those?

-Mine!

-But the dress...!

-Hers!

-The girl on the beach?

-Yes!

Don't laugh. They went THAT way.

-Oh-h!

-Oh, I'm so sorry!

-Now what are we going to do?

-Oh, dear! Well, let's get away from this place, anyway. I AM sorry!

-Are you sure you can drive?

-Yes.

-Go carefully.

Careful now!

-Hey!

-But we're in a hurry!

-Show me your licence, young man.

-Oh, show some sense!

-Licence, please.

-Don't talk like a fool!

-Have you been drinking?

-No!

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

-This is a pretty mess we're in!

-You should have been more careful.

-Well, I like that(!)

-Inside. I won't stand up for you again.

-I can stand up for myself!

-That was madness.

-Not considering who we were after!

-You can't drive!

Can't drive? Can't drive?!

-You're just nervous.

-Oh, you...!

-If I was after a girl, I'd not care!

-You're after something different.

-Oh, don't talk to me!

-I don't want to!

-Then don't!

You'll see the magistrate tomorrow.

Come on.

-Argh!

-Oh-h!

-Ow!

-Is it bad?

-I don't know. ..No, I don't think so.

-I was such a clumsy fool!

-Yes.

A clumsy, impetuous, generous, warm-hearted, fool.

-Now, why did you say that?

-Oh, I don't know. It said itself.

Oh. ..Hmm.

-I know you're tired, but sit still. I'm getting it.

-Sorry.

-Uh-oh.

-Oh!

-Well, the light was kinder than I am.

So now you can go to sleep.

-But, er...

-What?

Well, um...

I mean, um...

-Don't you think I ought to tell them?

-Tell them what?

-Well, that I'm a girl.

Oh, no. It'd cause too much bother. They might keep us here for days.

-After all, we've got to get on.

-Oh, yes, yes. We've got to find them.

-Mmm.

-Yes.

-Well, you sleep here and I'll make myself comfortable on the floor.

-All right.

There we are.

-Now, you take the pillow because I never use one.

-Oh, thanks.

Once we get out of here, we'll take the train to London.

-And then...

-Then what?

-Well, if I know Lily, she'll be taking your Monkley to Paris.

-We'll get him back for you.

-He'll be taking her racing. You'll have her back in no time.

-Come on, girl, I think

->

-the dining car's up the front.

LILY AND MONKLEY APPROACH, BICKERING

-Um...!

-Hello, Sylvia. What is it?

Er...er... Well, nothing. I just wanted to say that I do love my new costume.

-Thank you.

-That's all right.

-Take your seats for dinner! > Dinner! That's what we need.

-No!

-What?

-It might seem greedy to go for the first dinner.

-Don't be absurd!

-Actually, I have a headache.

-You look a bit strange. Where is it?

-Oh! Yes, there!

-You need some tea.

-I'll go and get you some.

-No!

-No arguments! I'll have a bite while I'm there.

Oh, dear!

Well! ..Oh, dear.

Is there plenty of room? Any amount. Over here, sir.

LILY IS TALKING ANIMATEDLY

There was such an awful crush, I couldn't get near the place.

Well!

-Headache better?

-Yes, now! ..I mean, much better.

-All the same, I think I'll pull the blinds down. It might come back.

-No.

Er, what will you do if we, er...don't find them?

-We shall find them.

-Yes, er... Yes, I'm afraid so.

-Afraid?

-Yes, you know how I disapprove of you and Monkley.

Don't trouble about me.

MONKLEY AND LILY PASS BY, ARGUING

-There they are.

-Yes. Well, we've got 'em.

-And now...

-Come on. We'll give them the surprise of their lives...

-..Won't we?

-Come on! Let's get 'em!

-Let's get 'em.

-Yes, let's hurry.

Wait a minute. Before I go in there, I've something I want to say.

You're everything that's fresh and lovely and sweet and brave and good.

What will I do without you? ..Now, I'll go and get you your Monkley.

-Monkley? Hang Monkley!

-Wh-Why?

-Because I love YOU!

-I never guessed it!

-Never guessed you made the whole world different for me?

I love you! Oh, I LONG for you. It's five whole days now and it seems like my whole life!

I-I-I worship you!

Oh, my dear!

-< I'm going back to him!

-You're staying here! We're getting hitched!

-I'll find another compartment.

-No, you don't!

-No, leave me alone!

Get in there! Don't get haughty with me!

What if she comes in here?!

BRAKES SLAM ON

LILY: These trains will kill me!

I'm going to stay in Paris. All my friends are there - Oliver and Cecil.

I will stay at the Ritz if you want, but all my friends are at Claridge's.

WHISTLE DROWNS OUT HER VOICE

-Did you see anyone get off?

-No.

TRAIN MOVES SLOWLY OFF

Well, that's that!

If not, I go back to Michael. He loves me! He adores me!

I have broken his heart, I know.

What's this? How dare you?!

Are you laughing at me? I've never seen such a thing in my life!

Subtitles by Alison Semeonoff and Dorothy Moore, BBC

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