Charlie and Boots

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

MAN: Sorry, I just, um...

Um...

Mum, she had this amazing ability to...

to make people smile...

..to forget their worries,

even if it was just for a few moments.

And Mum was always willing to...

to sacrifice her own needs for the needs of others.

She gave up her job as a teacher to look after us on the farm.

In fact, everything she did was... was for us, for our family

and for her boys.

Sorry. Um...

Mum taught us many things. She taught us respect, loyalty...

..and she taught us forgiveness.

To Dad, she was his Gracie.

To Boots and I, she was, um...

..she was...

..she was Mum.

GIRL GIGGLES

MAN: And to my kids, She was their beautiful nanna.

We love you, Mum.

TEARFULLY: And we'll really miss you.

Sympathies, mate. See you back at the house.

-You finished with this?

-Yes, darling.

I'll take those, love.

KNOCK AT DOOR

WOMAN: I thought you could use these.

Thanks.

PHONE RINGS

-'Hi.'

-CHUCKLES

'You've called Charlie and Gracie.

'We're not here at the moment. Please leave us a message. Bye.'

ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS

'Hey, Dad. It's me. It's Boots.'

'I guess we're going to have to change that message.

'Look, um, Dad, I know we haven't been getting along very well,

'but, I don't know. I think we've got to try.'

PLAYS NOTES ON PIANO

-Hey.

-Hey.

You come to do some work, have you?

-How's Dad getting on?

-He's all right.

Never answers his phone.

Nah, he's all right.

-How's the kids?

-Yeah, good.

And Mel?

She's all right.

-Has Dad been getting out at all?

-Nah, not really.

Gotta get him out doing something.

He can help me milk the cows if he wants to do something.

OK. Better go see how he is.

Dad?

Hey, Dad, it's me.

So you remembered where we live.

Dad, what are you doing?

It's bloody dark in here.

Should have the telly on. The game's about to start.

-ON TV:

-'Batted very sensibly today. Used his head.

'And then the 100 the other day, the first one ever in Australia.

'I thought he was magnificent. Don't forget...'

CATTLE LOW, BIRDS CHIRP

'..not just the one here today. He batted sensibly. Used his head.'

I don't know. Get Nigel to cover for me. He never does anything.

I don't know. Uh, a week?

I don't know. Maybe two.

-Hey, I was watching that.

-Come on, Dad.

-No, turn it back on.

-Nah, we're going out.

-I'm not going anywhere.

-Yeah, you are. We're going fishing.

Fishing? Since when have you liked fishing?

I can open me own bloody door.

Yeah, I know. Watch your fingers.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Dad, are you coming? Just jump in the car.

-I can bloody walk.

-Just get in the car.

What are we doing now?

I'm just going to grab a couple of things.

I thought we were going fishing.

We are, Dad. I'll be back in a sec, OK?

Where are you going? Port Fairy's that way.

Yeah, we're, er...we're not actually going to Port Fairy.

Why not? It's the only good fishing around here.

Yeah, we're, er...not actually going fishing around here.

What?

Do you remember when I was little, you always promised me that one day

we'd go and cast a line off the northernmost tip of Australia?

-No.

-Well, we're doing it.

-What do you mean?

-I mean we're doing it.

We're on our way to Cape York.

Have you lost your mind?

Yep.

TURNS ON RADIO

Well, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of.

Typical of you and your half-baked ideas.

You're a dickhead. Cape York's, like, 3,000 miles from here.

Yep, and it will be even further if you don't start studying that map.

UPBEAT ROCK SONG PLAYS ON RADIO

All right, then, where are we?

Well, Warrnambool's about there.

I bloody know that. Where are we going?

-Well, we're about here.

-Yeah.

-Cape York's all the way up there.

Well, that's...that's just stupid.

Yeah. It'll be fun. Don't you reckon?

UPBEAT SONG CONTINUES PLAYING

What the hell is that?

Dad. Dad.

Have a look at this little ripper.

It's the Big Koala.

Better have a look, eh?

You coming?

Uh, no, I can see it from here, son.

All right. I'm going to go inside.

CHUCKLES

There was a young fella from Horsham

Who took out his balls to wash 'em

His wife said, "Jack, if you don't put them back

"I'll jump on the buggers and squash 'em."

Remember telling me that?

"In the heart of rich farming land and the Victorian goldfields,

"Maryborough is famous for its railway station

"and was settled in the 1830s."

You going to be like this all the way?

-What do you mean?

-Annoying.

I just thought you might like me to, I don't know,

-read you some local colour.

-Really? Why?

Just because...

-Oh, well, don't worry about it, then.

-OK.

They're on their way to Warrnambool.

Just telling them all the stuff they should see when they get there.

Pity we won't be home. Could have shown them around.

Well, maybe we should head back.

CHUCKLES

No, I'm serious.

I'm worried about the farm.

Don't be. I spoke to Graeme. He said everything's fine.

He said to have a good time.

Yeah, well, at least your brother's responsible.

Jeez, Dad, you got enough salt on those?

I don't want me veins getting all floppy.

I'm serious, Dad. You've got to start looking after yourself.

Echuca's probably the go tonight, don't you reckon?

You can have a look in the brochures up here if you want.

Hey, fresh strawberries.

Small punnets 3, large, 6, family size, ten bucks.

Family size?

I think we might need one of them. Don't you think so, Dad?

Huh?

-Actually, I think we'll get a couple of those.

-No worries.

So which way are you headed?

Uh, headed up north to Cape York, but we'll probably get to Echuca tonight.

-Do you want anything else, Dad?

-Nah.

Well, enjoy.

Yeah, will do. Thank you very much.

Don't eat them all at once.

We'll try not to!

Eh? This is the life.

The open road with my dad, fresh fruit.

Does it get any better than this?

What was that?

That looks interesting.

Must be glad you bought the family-sized punnet, eh?

-You could help.

-Nah, never fancied strawberries much.

And she asked! She knew which way we were headed.

And she said, "Don't eat them all at once."

Paddle Wheel. That looks all right.

Sing out, Dad, if you see one you like.

The Georgian Motor Lodge.

This looks like us.

This is all right, isn't it?

Here, pick a bed, Dad. I'm just going to go in the big action room.

Bloody hell, Dad. There's a lot of mirrors in here.

Look at that! There's even one on the back of the door.

Gee whiz! I could do with losing a few kilos, just quietly.

TOILET FLUSHES

Dad?

Dad?

Dad... Oh, shit.

Oi!

Where you off to?

You know, I honestly thought you'd left.

On that bus.

Yeah, well, I thought about it,

but it was only the courtesy bus for the country club.

And of course, you never packed me clubs.

Oh, did something die in here?

Shouldn't have eaten all them strawberries.

Eugh.

BOOTS SNORES

BOOTS SNUFFLES

BOOTS RESUMES SNORING

Good morning. Breakfast.

"Sun, stars, steam and Murray River magic."

-What's your problem?

-PS Emmylou. Paddle steamer.

Ah. Yeah, well, Let me know how it goes.

Come on, Dad. I thought we could go on it.

Paddle steamer - you get on it, it goes up the river,

it turns around, comes back down again. What's the point?

Why are you being so difficult?

I'm not being difficult.

I'm saying that if you want to go on it, go on it.

I just don't go in for that touristy stuff.

-Oi!

-TYRES SCREECH

Hang on! It's a Holden museum!

Who can tell me the first Holden model

made with a left-hand drive?

The FB.

Thank you, sir, but I was asking the kids.

-Ah! Paddle steamer.

-STEAM WHISTLE HOOTS

Looks like fun.

Ah! New South Wales.

Across the border.

-Can you drive for a bit?

-No.

Why do I have to do all the driving?

You don't have to.

All right, if I drive for the next two hours,

then will you drive?

-No.

-I'm still hungry.

SHEEP BLEAT

I don't mind sheep.

Really? I didn't know that.

Oh, yeah. Came up here once when I was a young'un.

Worked for a month or two on a place called Frome Downs.

They had cattle and sheep. Would've stayed longer if I could've.

Why didn't you?

Oh, well, we had the family farm

and, you know, I couldn't turn my back on that, you know?

And I didn't want to let my father down.

And of course, I met your mum.

"Hay. Population 2,932.

"Hay's in the Southern Riverina of New South Wales

"in a semi-arid grazing area known as the Hay Plains."

You're not going to stop this, are you?

It's Australia, Dad. It's fascinating.

I can shut up if you want me to.

Hey, look at this.

It was also home to 3,000 POWs

-during the Second World War...

-Oh, shit! Look out!

HORN BEEPS

What, is she a stunt driver? God! Bloody clown!

CHARLIE BEEPS HORN REPEATEDLY

-Hey, Dad, Dad...

-Learn to drive, you dickhead!

Dad, just relax. We're OK.

-Could've been killed.

-Killed!

-Truck full of white leghorns.

-Yep, we're OK, Dad.

-Tell her to get some driving lessons.

-Yeah, I will.

Sorry. It's OK. You just kinda cut us off a little bit over there.

Did I?

Really?

Tell her...tell her to get some glasses!

You need glasses to see where you're going!

Sorry. My dad, he's not himself at the moment.

He's...a little bit... kinda hung up, that's all.

Yeah, it's the shock from the accident.

Dad, just shut up.

Whole life rushed before me eyes.

It was pretty boring.

What is it with you Victorians?

Everything all right, Edna?

Yeah. I can handle this.

TRUCK DRIVER TOOTS HORN

You're lucky you're not a bloke. He'd have knocked your block off.

For fuck's sake Dad, just shut up!

We should... We should keep moving, so, um...

Yeah. I think perhaps you should keep moving.

You should take that old man with you.

Get some driving lessons off the nuns.

Clown.

STARTS ENGINE

-Man, you're something else.

-What?

You should get some L-plates. Hang 'em round your neck.

-What is wrong with you?

-What?

SIGHS

KOOKABURRA CACKLES

-Hello.

-Hi.

'You're with Ryan Miles on ABC local radio.

'After Prince Charles's embarrassing gaffe on the weekend.

'we're discussing your most embarrassing moments.

'Deirdre, you had a confession over wetting the...'

TURNS OFF ENGINE

Just filling up, Dad.

-Get me a sarsaparilla, will you, Boots?

-Yeah.

'Oh, Deirdre, that's terrible.

'But I must say you were brilliant blaming it on the cat.

'I know. The poor thing.

'Well, next we have a Charlie on the line.

'Yeah. G'day.

'Yeah. This one's about my son. Let's call him... Slippers. Yep.

'One day when he was about 14, I come in early from the milkin'.

'I opened the door and there he was.

-'Yeah. Buffin' the bazooka.

-I'm sorry?

-'Chokin' the goose.

-Oh, well, thanks for that, Charlie.

'Hammering the hamster, some might say.

'Yes, thanks, Charlie. I think we've got it.

'Oh, you couldn't miss it. The kid's hung like a draught horse.

'Thank you!'

Well, this is interesting.

I'm not talking to you.

"The yellow-rumped pardalote, a rare bird indeed,

"can occasionally be spotted foraging in this area."

Pig!

What?

-That was a bit rough.

-I was just... Pig!

Thanks for stopping. I've been out here for ages.

Thought I was going to be out there all night.

No worries.

Where are you headed?

-To, er, Cape York. To go fishing.

-Is that anywhere near Tamworth?

Well, Tamworth's on the way.

Cape York's on the very northern tip of Australia.

Oh, cool.

STARTS ENGINE

So, how did you end up out here?

My boyfriend was taking me to Tamworth. I'm a singer.

And he cracked it and kicked me out. He's a real arsehole.

Why did he do that?

Um, he wanted me to do things to him I didn't want to. And I told him so.

And he begged, and I said no, and he begged some more

and then he kicked me out.

Yep, sounds like an arsehole to me.

So, how far's this Cape York?

It's about 2,500km.

When I was young, Dad promised we'd do it one day

so we're doing it now.

That's so great. I'm Jess.

-I'm Charlie. And this is Boots.

-How you goin'?

Charlie and Boots.

Pretty cool, eh?

Oh, well, he's out.

He's so cute.

I suppose.

Do you love him?

Well, yeah, he's my dad.

I mean, we've had our ups and downs but, er...

I don't know, he's kind of all I've got now.

Well, there's my brother, but...

Your mum?

No, she...she died last month.

That must be awful.

I don't know what I'd do if my mum died.

I never got to meet my dad.

You're not married?

Oh, I was.

Mum and Dad were married for 45 years.

He must miss her.

Yeah.

Here I am, I couldn't even manage to stay married for three years.

What happened?

Uh... Therese, my wife...

I don't know, I guess I was just never really what she needed.

She was a city girl.

Mum and Dad tried to get her involved in the farm,

but I told them to pull their head in and...

and...with what happened...

..er...

Did you have any kids?

Yeah, a little boy. Ben.

You know, I reckon you'll find someone else.

Yeah, I'm not really...

So you live on the farm with your dad?

No, my little brother runs it now.

Me and my wife moved away, so...

Can you not go back?

No.

I mean, I love the farm, don't get me wrong.

But I don't know, things just didn't work out that way, I guess.

Plus, it wouldn't really be fair, I suppose, on my brother.

Which I know disappoints my dad.

Why are you called Boots?

My mum was a real character.

I mean, what you might call a free spirit.

You know, she was into the arts and music,

and one day in a moment of inspiration

she decided to name me after her favourite singer.

Dad never really was crazy about the name

-so he's always called me Boots.

-Who was the singer?

BOOTS CHUCKLES

-Dean Martin?

-I wish.

SHE CHUCKLES Frank Sinatra?

BOOTS LAUGHS

Fred Astaire?

No, he was a dancer. Oh, um...

I'm not going to tell you.

Sorry about that one, son.

Another argument I lost with your mother.

BOOTS LAUGHS

He's awake.

-Morning, Charlie.

-Morning.

It's starting to get a little bit late.

Maybe we should stop over in Gilgandra.

OK, well, maybe you can drop me at a service station, then?

We can take you the rest of the way in the morning.

-I really can't afford to pay...

-No, don't worry about that.

Me and Dad can get you a room, can't we, Dad?

Oh, sure. Not going to just drop you alongside the roadway.

Thank you.

COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS

# Giddy-up!

# She's a wild horse and I wanna ride

# She's a full moon on a restless night... #

Wow.

You should not be eating that.

What?

Chips, potato cakes and dim sims.

Chips - made from potatoes.

Good for you.

Potato cakes - name says it all.

And dim sims -

finely minced stuff

wrapped in whatever it is the Chinese wrap it in.

You know it's no good for you.

She's eating it. Looks pretty healthy to me.

-Yeah, she's not nearly 70.

-CHARLIE MUTTERS

Mmm. Clever buggers, them Chinese.

Enjoy.

# She's got me So damn hot for rodeo

# Open up the gate, baby I'll be hanging on

# You can buck and twist but I won't be thrown

# Giddy-up, giddy-up... #

He worries about you.

Yeah. I know.

I'm sorry to hear about Grace.

Right.

She sounds awesome.

Awesome.

Yeah, Gracie...

Yeah, she was something else.

Are you OK?

Oh, yeah.

I think it's great what you and Boots are doing.

I would have loved to have gone fishing with my dad,

not that I'd have any idea how to fish.

Nah.

I think he'd have loved it too.

Yeah, I reckon he would.

Well, that's me done.

You reckon they'd have sticky date pudding?

Oh, yeah, I'll have some of that.

-Excuse me. Dance! Come on.

-Oh, OK.

Come on. You can come too.

# Unbridled love A little one-on-one

# We're just tossing around having too much fun

# Giddy-up, giddy-up

# Cowgirl, let's raise some hell

# Saddle up, bring it on

# Honey, let's take it to the bell

# Giddy-up, giddy-up

-# Cowgirl, let's raise some hell...

-No.

# Saddle up, saddle up

# Buckle up, buckle up

# Honey, let's take it to the bell

# I'm man enough to take on what you got

# Ohh, so giddy-up

# Giddy-up... #

SNORING

SNORING CONTINUES

BIRDS CHIRP

-Come on.

-I really wanted to say goodbye.

-Come on, they'll survive!

-One sec.

HORN BEEPS

ENGINE REVS

JESS GIGGLES

What's that?

-Oh, it's from Jess!

-I hope she knows what she's doing.

-Ah, she'll be right.

She's pretty switched on for a 16-year-old kid.

-What are you doing?

-What?

I mean, to what do I owe the pleasure?

I'm always happy to drive.

Really?

All you had to do was ask.

Uh-huh.

BIG-BAND SWING MUSIC PLAYS

Smile.

Whoops!

Bloody hell, Dad.

Sorry, Boots. Corner just sneaked up on me.

What are we doing?

Charlie!

And Julio!

I haven't seen you since you were this big!

Hey, Mac, your cousin Charlie and young Julio are here.

-Oh, it's so good to see you!

-You too.

How long's it been? I wouldn't even know.

Oh, I don't know. About three decades, I suppose, would it be?

Well, I'm 176 now.

And how's your dad been since Gracie went?

Well, we're gettin' there.

Oh, it was just shocking, darl. I couldn't believe it. I still can't.

No, it was just awful.

Might get a drop of rain.

Yeah.

It'd be good.

Good.

And how's the gorgeous Theresa?

Therese - yeah, we're actually no longer together.

Oh, no, love. That's no good.

Oh, wait a sec. I think your mum told me that.

-Did your mum tell me that?

-I'm not sure.

-Oh, I am sorry.

-Theresa was beautiful, wasn't she?

-Yeah.

I mean, like, really beautiful, from the photos.

Must've been tough, though, when...

Oh, you've certainly been in the wars, love.

-Oh, well, onwards and upwards.

-Yeah.

It all gets easier with time.

And I'm sure you'll find someone else.

Looks aren't everything.

Hey, you boys! Lunch!

-They're nice.

-Yeah.

She hates a chat.

Dad, I'm not saying that Mike Tyson wasn't a good fighter,

I'm just saying Muhammad Ali, I mean, he's called The Greatest.

Oh, yeah, He was pretty to watch,

but nobody ever hit harder than Tyson.

-Oh, look. Fresh strawberries.

-Shut up, Dad.

Are you saying Pamela Anderson's ugly?

She runs up and down the beach...

And you don't like the look of that?

-..with that David Hopalong, Jason or...

-Hasselhoff.

No.

I don't believe it.

Hello!

JESS SIGHS

Well, it's official - he really is an arsehole.

What did he do this time?

More of the same. What is it with boys?

-Where's your guitar?

-Still in the back. I wasn't quick enough.

-There's Tristan! Again!

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Your guitar!

I can't believe I fell for that jerk.

Oh, don't worry about it. We all make mistakes.

His bumper sticker should've been enough to scare me off.

Can you see him?

Ah, could be anywhere by now.

There he is!

What are you doing?

There we go.

Don't worry, you'll get used to his driving.

Jess, grab your guitar.

Oh, shit. It's not there.

Hey, it's here in the front seat.

Bugger.

Boots, keep an eye on him.

You got a wire coat hanger?

Give me some ginger beer, a pie and some hot chips.

How about this?

Wait, wait, wait.

Too soft.

G'day.

(Oh, shit.)

-Have you done that before?

-Oh, sure.

Really?

Yeah.

Are you sure you've done this?

Yeah. Yeah.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You'd better be quick. I think he's coming!

Hi.

-We need something else.

-How about this?

-Oi!

ALARM BLARES

Quick! Get in the car!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

THE OTHERS LAUGH

COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS

Tamworth - the country music capital of Australia.

I can't believe it. I'm finally here.

Jess, you do know that Tamworth's not like Nashville -

I mean, other than the music festival,

the rest of the year it's just a nice little town, yeah?

It's a city, actually.

But yeah, I know. I'm not stupid.

Oh, wow!

There it is.

Thank you.

Our pleasure.

-You going to be OK?

-Of course!

Who knows? The next time you see me, I might be performing in there.

We're counting on it.

-What's wrong with today?

-What?!

Come with me.

Ooh! What are you doing?

It's not what I'M doing, it's what you're doing.

-I can't do that.

-Of course you can. You'll be fine. Come on.

-There might be people in there.

-Let's find out.

-G'day.

-G'day.

Just here to see... Trevor.

Yeah, I've got the tools.

We're all good.

Whoa.

Go on.

(Sit over here.)

I might be a bit rusty. I haven't played in a few days.

PLAYS GENTLE INTRO

# Well, only as old as you feel

# And I bet you're feeling old by now

# The sun has gone out

# And you must find a way to cope somehow

# And I will be here until our dying days

# Nothing will get in the way

# Cos I would drop everything like an air balloon

# Just to see you Just to see you

# I would jump in the sea for a plastic bag

# If you told me If you told me to

# I would follow you round till my feet fell off

# That's what it takes to win your love

# Cos I would drop everything like an air balloon

# Just to see you. #

Yeah! Jess!

-CHARLIE WHISTLES

-Whoo!

-Yeah!

-THEY APPLAUD

-Whoo! Whoo!

She'll go a long way, that kid.

Yeah. Yeah, there's no worries about that.

Ah, Tenterfield -

situated in the gently rolling hills of northern New South Wales.

Of course, no reference to Tenterfield would be complete

without a mention of its most famous citizen -

world-renowned philatelist Gordon "Stumpy" Adams,

who for many years worked as the assistant manager

-of the historic Tenterfield Post Office.

-BOOTS CHUCKLES

And, of course, it's here we find

the legendary world's thickest thickshakes.

CHARLIE SLURPS

They're good.

-Good.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-That's you.

-Hmm? Oh.

BOOTS SIGHS

Oh, it's work.

Hang on a tick.

Hello.

Yeah, g'day, mate. How are you going?

Yeah, good.

What, now? Er, Tenterfield.

Nah. Still on our way up.

Yeah, sort of northern New South Wales.

Yeah, I understand that but, er...

What?

Well, it's just something I've gotta do, mate.

Well, I'll pick me stuff up in a couple of weeks. All right.

Yeah, all right. Bye.

TRAIN HORN BLARES IN THE DISTANCE

Everything OK?

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

-No worries.

-TRAIN HORN BLARES

Have you heard from Therese lately?

Yeah, every now and then.

What did she want?

I don't know. Nothing, really.

-What was her problem?

-Dad!

Well, you did everything you could do and...

Yeah, well, when something happens like...

..you know, what did happen,

I don't know, people just react differently, I guess.

Yeah, well, it's for better or for worse, you know.

You can't just then go off running around with...

Dad, that's not fair. You weren't there.

You wouldn't let us be.

-She wants to get back together.

-What?

Do you want to?

Nah. How do you go back?

Would you like to?

Nah, I can't.

You were so lucky to have Mum.

Yeah, well, nothing's perfect.

-What?

-Every marriage has its problems.

Are you saying you and Mum did?

Do you remember Gavin O'Connor?

-The school principal?

-Uh-huh.

-Yeah.

Yeah, well, when you was a kid, your mum was sort of acting suspiciously,

-staying out late at night and always going to meetings and...

-Hmm.

Anyway, one night, I followed her.

And she went to Gavin's place.

What?

Just about killed me.

Did you confront 'em?

Nah.

I was too scared of losing her.

I never told anyone that.

Not long after that, Gavin moved to Sydney and...

Nah, she loved you, Dad.

I mean, she...she adored you.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

You kids were like that...

especially you.

You were a little bugger. You had to be everywhere first.

You were always 10m out in front of us,

running and skipping and tripping over things.

Oh, you were a funny little bugger.

You OK, mate?

I'm going to go for a walk.

You think you'll ever have more kids?

Yeah. I think so.

You should, you know.

You can either let what happened...

..beat you...or you can try and overcome it.

Hmm. Yeah.

You shouldn't wait too long.

Time waits for no man...

and very few women.

Yeah, well, obviously I've gotta meet someone first.

Hmm? Yeah.

That shouldn't be too hard.

Sleep tight. See you in the morning, son.

Yeah. Good night, Dad.

-What are you up to?

-What?

I don't know. You're up to something.

Oh! I'm just having me breakfast.

Yeah, right.

Oh, excuse me, love.

My son here, Boots, was just asking me

if I thought you were married or not

and I said to him, "Go ahead. Ask her yourself."

Yes, I am. Sorry.

Oh, told you.

Aww! You'll find someone.

Yeah, thanks.

-THUD!

-Oooh, what?

-What?! What?!

-Oh.

Oh, excuse me, love.

Yes?

My son Boots here, that strapping young fellow over there...

-Oh, what's your pleasure, love?

-Oh, just one of those.

There you go.

Thanks, darl.

Oh, all part of the service.

-Here's your change.

-Thanks.

And, um, this is our card.

It's got the phone number on it... in case you need it.

Oh.

Thanks.

Look, Dad, all I'm saying is I don't need help with the ladies.

Well, we both know that's a load of rubbish.

All right, well, put it this way - I certainly don't need YOUR help with the ladies.

Hey, she gave you her phone number, didn't she?

-Yeah, but I didn't ask for it.

-That's what I'm for.

No, Dad, that's not what you're here for.

From now on, stay in the car when we stop to eat.

Nah!

So, it turns out I'm good with the ladies. Who knew?

Eugh.

You all right, Dad?

Just get past this truck, son.

HORN TOOTS

HORN CONTINUES TOOTING

-Dad?

-(Boots.)

G'day, Wes, boys.

Dad?

(Boots, here.)

What the...?

Quick.

-G'day, mate.

-G'day.

Where will I find that great hunk of spunk you were with?

My dad?

Your dad? Yeah, must be.

My dad? Now, let me think.

I mean, he couldn't be far away.

I mean, he was here, like, a minute ago.

My dad?

Hmm... Oh, hang on.

Oh, here it is, found it - the cup we...

Oh, hello, love.

BOOTS AND CHARLIE LAUGH

You're good with the ladies?

Well, you know, I'm a dairy farmer but that was absurd.

BOTH LAUGH

You should have seen you, trying to bend in there like a koala bear

trying to get in a matchbox.

Good thinking, though, wasn't it?

A foam cup, eh? She wouldn't have got hers in a foam cup.

BOTH LAUGH

-There you go, fellas.

-Oh, thanks, love.

Where are you heading?

We're thinking about going this way up to Emerald

-and then all the way up to the Cape.

-Oh, no worries.

Most people take the Roma road but my hubby, Clive - he's a sales rep -

swears by the road straight north

and then you cut across at a place they call Mongans Lane.

That's about 100km north of here,

then get on to the Emerald road from there.

He reckons it saves about an hour and a half.

Sounds good to me. You know what they say about local knowledge!

It's a good road?

Yeah. Yeah.

A bit of gravel, about 40km, but no traffic.

No worries. Thanks for that.

Beautiful country out this way, isn't it?

Yeah.

Which was the road she said to take?

Actually, I think this is it coming up here, isn't it?

Mongans Lane. This is it here.

Wow! Look at that.

The sky looks amazing.

HISSING

Bugger.

It's not too bad. It's just a burst radiator hose.

Can you fix it?

No. I haven't got any tools.

What do you expect?

You set off on some harebrained bloody trip, half-cocked.

I haven't got a spare radiator hose either.

You're a bloody dickhead.

You knew we were coming up here.

You should have brought a spare.

Well, it wasn't exactly a trip that I'd planned, Dad.

Oh, bloody useless.

What sort of an idiot comes up here without his tools?

Me, Dad. Me. Is that what you want to hear?

I mean, I'm not Graeme.

I mean, I'm doing my best here, Dad, but I can't do everything.

I don't know what you want.

I want your mum back.

Well, I can't do anything about that, Dad.

I mean, the same as I couldn't do anything about Ben.

I want to go home.

To do what, Dad?

What? Sit in the dark and feel sorry for yourself?

Fuck, Dad! It wouldn't hurt to cry, you know.

But you just cut yourself off.

You did it... I mean, you did it when Ben died and you're doing it now.

You went on and on to me with all this bullshit

about, you know, "Don't let it destroy you."

And what are you doing?

You know, Dad, let's not pretend that I don't know about loss.

Really!

Dad, my heart nearly stopped when Ben drowned

and I have struggled every day... I've got to tell you the truth, Dad.

It is not a day that goes by that I...

I mean, Mum was there when he died.

I mean, how did that happen?

I mean, she was looking after him.

I mean, they were playing hide-and-seek, for God's sake.

Your mum struggled with that... every bloody day since.

I'd go to sleep at night

and wake up to her crying her eyes out.

I would have liked to cry with her too

but someone has to say "Don't worry, love,"

and, "You'll feel better tomorrow,"

and, "It's God's will,"

and whatever other pathetic bullshit I could come out with.

You know, Therese, I mean, never forgave Mum for that,

and I got to be honest, Dad - I wrestled with it too.

And you know what really gets me, is that, I mean, despite all that,

you know, I never got to tell Mum I still loved her.

Oh, mate, she knew that.

I promise you, she knew.

(I need to cry.)

I'll never forget the night I first met your mum.

It was the footy club dance at the Allansford Hall.

Oh, she was something. Took my breath away.

She was the new schoolteacher in town then

and every bloke in town was after her.

I remember Gary Flood, Archie Witherspoon,

Joey Twigg -

in fact, the whole bloody football team

was lined up waiting to get a dance with her.

I thought to myself,

"If I don't make a move now, I'm going to miss out."

As luck happened, I spotted a gap in the pack,

sidestepped my way through and asked her for a dance,

and she said yes.

Then the music started...

..and it was the bloody tangoette.

Tangoette?

The dance of love.

-Oh, tough one.

-Oh!

Anyway, the next thing, there I was,

gliding across the dance floor, cheek to cheek with your mum... Gracie.

I was a pretty useful footy player,

you know, quick on me feet,

but I couldn't dance for shit.

BOOTS CHUCKLES

I was treading all over her feet and kicking her shins and...

CHARLIE SIGHS

..disaster.

So what did you do?

I did the only thing I could do, the only decent thing to do -

-I faked a hammy.

-CHARLIE GROANS

Fantastic!

Yeah, it worked.

Your mum helped me off the dance floor...

..and then spent the next 45 years looking after me.

Oh, God, I miss her. I miss her.

Yeah, I know.

DOG PANTS

You blokes got some trouble, have ya?

Oh, yeah. We've done our radiator hose.

And where are you fellas off to anyway, eh?

We're heading up the Cape.

I promised me son here I'd take him fishing

at the northernmost tip of Australia.

You blokes right?

Yeah, let her rip.

Got another rope?

No.

No worries, then. I'll just double this one up, eh?

Sure. Thanks.

All right. That should do it.

I was thinking, maybe just take it a little bit easier this time.

Yeah, righto.

Bloody hell. It's hard to see.

Oh, well, you don't need me, mate. I'll have a little nap.

Bullshit!

-We're doing 80!

-Maybe they've forgot we're back here.

Shit, Dad, we're doing 100!

Didn't that waitress say that her old man did 120 on this road?

I bet he wasn't bloody towing someone.

This guy's trying to kill us.

Whoa! Shit!

TYRES SCREECH

Shit! We're doing 120 already.

SIREN WAILS

Uh-oh.

I want you to pull over.

You want us to what?

I want you to pull over.

Pull over?

This should be interesting.

You, er... You might want to talk to the guys in the other car.

Don't worry about them. I'll deal with them in a minute.

He's a bright bugger.

You know you're being towed?

Oh? Oh, really?

And here we were, just about to try and overtake the buggers.

Stay here.

-Stay here?

-THEY LAUGH

Uh, roger.

SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER

There you go, fellas.

Yeah, er, sorry about the speeding ticket back there, eh?

Ah, no worries. Still can't believe he tried to book us for tailgating.

What's going on?

What's goin' on?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

COMMENTATOR SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY

CHEERING

PEOPLE SCREAM

-FIRECRACKER POPS

-Go on! Get out of it!

Oh!

CHUCKLES

Bloody hell. Did you see that?

You'd have to be half mad, wouldn't you?

Don't forget, ladies and gentlemen, coming up straight after this event,

the inaugural amateur challenge.

Which one of you would-be cowboys out there in the crowd

wants to get on the legendary buckin' bull, the mighty Dynamite?

Come up and put your names down.

We're going to draw it in about ten minutes' time.

All you would-be cowboys...

CHEERING

I need a leak.

Yeah, all right. I'll stay here.

You took your time.

Right now it's time to draw the name of the very brave man

who shortly will be precariously perched

upon over one ton of angry fillet steak

on our feature bull named Dynamite.

What's that? What's that?

Well, it seems that it's going to be easier than I thought.

There's only one man, shall I say, with the kahunas

game enough to mix it with the big boys.

Give him a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen.

How about it? About to ride Dynamite - Boots McFarland.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm fucking what?

Come on up here, Boots.

What is WRONG with you?

Boots McFarland, ladies and gentlemen!

My son! Give him a big hand.

Mate, no worries - I had a good look at that old bull.

It's as gentle as a lamb.

Are you mad? There's no way I'm going to be able to ride a bull.

Mate, you think I don't know cattle after all these years?

If he's a bucking bull, I'm the next pope. Wave to the fans.

You're going to die, you fat f...

Whoa!

Thank God you're here, mate.

I thought we were going to have to cancel the event.

-Huh, great.

-You've obviously done this before.

-No.

-Really?

Well, this bloke hasn't bucked this century.

The only thing you're in danger of

is this old boy falling asleep and laying down.

-Yeah.

-Now, when he gets out, he'll just trundle around a bit, right?

-Huh.

-Try and make it look dangerous, you know,

and jump off when you're ready.

Just bend that round the back again. BULL BRAYS

I've ridden a horse before. Does that help?

Oh, well... we'll be right, then, won't we?

Enjoy.

You ready?

Yeah.

Our cowboy, Boots McFarland, is raring to go.

Hey, Boots, give us a wave.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Boots, for climbing aboard you are already our winner.

We've got a dinner for two

at the Los Elmos Emerald Mexican Cantina.

And also - this might help dull the pain -

a dozen bottles of Inner Circle rum.

-BULL GRUNTS

-Shit!

CROWD CHEERS

Oh, shit!

BOOTS GRUNTS

Oh!

Get away from... Get aw...

MEN SHOUT INDISTINCTLY

Oh!

Come on. Get out of here. Go, go, go!

BRAYS

Run! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, what do you say now, your holiness?

CHARLIE GRUNTS

PEOPLE SCREAM

-What'd I tell ya? Piece of cake.

-"Piece of cake."

-I know me cattle, mate.

-He was a big piece of cake.

-Oh, how you doin'? This here is...

-Boots.

-Oh, Leilani.

-Beautiful day.

Hello.

Single.

What'd I tell you, mate? All the girls love a cowboy.

Yeah, Dad. I'm a cowboy. I'm a hurt one.

-That was part of me plan.

-Yeah, you had a...

-Hello.

-You boys like a massage?

-Oh, yeah, Boots here would.

-Yeah.

Actually, we both would.

No, mate, I...

Yeah, come on.

I've... I've never had a massage. Mate, no!

If you could just put these on.

On what?

Yeah, sure. Thanks.

Which is the front and which is the back?

I think it kind of depends on what kind of look you're going for.

BOTH LAUGH

Are you ready, boys?

Uh.

LAID-BACK MUSIC PLAYS

BOOTS CHUCKLES AND GRUNTS

Love, while I don't doubt that you could change a tractor tyre

with your bare hands...

-You reckon?

-Yeah. Just bear in mind

that you're working on a vintage Rolls-Royce here.

Okey-dokey.

Whoops! Not too high, love.

Don't wanna damage the gearbox.

BOOTS GRUNTS

-Dad, Dad!

-Yeah.

I dare you to ask for the "executive finish'.

SPLUTTERS

Oh!

UPBEAT MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYS

How are you feeling?

Bit sore, mate. How about you?

Sore. If I'd had come down off that bull any harder

I'd have three Adam's apples.

-BROAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Buenas noches, amigos.

-Sorry?

Oh, it means, "Good evening, friends," in Mexico.

My dad makes me say it.

He says it makes the place more authentic.

Authentic.

Of course, the moustache is real, right?

No. He makes me wear that too.

Get out!

Well, er, amigo, we are mucho hungry.

Righto, then.

Well, mucho gracias and adios, amigos.

Oh, hooroo, amigo.

See ya, mate.

-Very authentic.

-Yeah, got me convinced.

BURPS

Oof. What do you reckon's in a burrito?

I don't know, but it's in us now.

Well, bugger me. It's that Tristan's car.

You're kidding.

No.

-What are you doing?

-Going to hide it.

That is so immature.

Not to mention childish.

Going to help? Yeah!

-OK, steady.

-Just make sure the handbrake's on.

-Yeah, yeah.

You've never grown up, have ya?

-Bit late now.

-Shh, shh, shh!

-Going to hide it behind that truck.

-Where you going?

-Over there.

-Oh, ohh!

-Uh-oh!

Oh, not good. Not good, not good, not good.

That can't be good.

Uh, no.

Didn't his car have four spotlights on it?

-Uh, yeah.

-METAL CRUNCHES, ALARM BLARES

So one day God was sitting around in Heaven

on his La-Z-Boy recliner.

Well, he can if he wants to - he's God.

And he saw his son come in and he said, "Jesus, lad, over here."

He said, "I've been looking down at Earth

"and it's a terrible mess.

"I'm going to have to send you down there to straighten them out."

And Jesus said, "My pleasure, Dad.

"There's a bit of a drawback, though," he said.

"I'm going to have to send you as a human being.

"You'll be mortal

"and I'm afraid you're going to have to die for their sins."

Jesus says, oh, you know, "OK, your wish is my command, " etc.

He said, "Look, Son, the best thing I can do, though,

"is I can give you a choice in how you're going to die.

"You can either be crucified

"or you can be stung to death by killer bees."

CHUCKLES

And that's the reason that all over the world today,

Christians make the sign of the cross.

And not...

LAUGHS

CHARLIE CRIES OUT COMICALLY

-All right, another one. There's two nuns, they're in a car.

-Oh, no!

Yeah, they're in a car and this massive bat comes in

and it's kind of like Satan.

And it lands on the bonnet, foam and blood and fierce,

kind of going, "Arggh!"

On the bonnet - "Rarr!" On the bonnet, right?

And one of the nuns says, "Quick, Maud, show him your cross."

And she goes, "Oh, good idea," and she winds the window down

and goes, "Get off the bonnet, you...!"

There was a young man from McLeod

"Who was caressing a girl in the crowd

When someone down front said...

-No, no, no, no.

-No what?

That's the wrong limerick, son. You've got two mixed up.

It goes like this.

There was a young girl from Bude

Who got on a tram in the nude

-When the vicar down front...

-A vicar? Rubbish, vicar!

That's not a limerick.

It has to rhyme with McLeod cos the last line of the limerick

is "Just like that, out loud."

No. How can that be a limerick?

A limerick has to have a certain rhythm, a count to it.

It goes, "Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da..."

Da-da-da! Bullshit! That's not a limerick.

-Mine's a limerick. Yours is not a limerick.

-It's not.

A limerick's supposed to be funny. Mine's hilarious. Yours isn't.

Limericks are an art form, an ancient art form from Ireland, OK?

And I taught ya!

Can I help you, boys?

Yes, you can, love, as a matter of fact.

You look to me like a woman of the world.

There was a young lady from Bude...

-Let it go!

-Who got on a tram in the nude...

No, there was a young man from McLeod

Who was caressing a girl in the crowd...

-No, that's a joke, not a limerick.

-It is a limerick, Dad.

-It's the "Girl in the nude."

-And it's not a vicar.

-It's always a vicar.

-It's never a vicar.

-Vicars are funny.

-They ride round on bikes...

-Look...

-On bikes? You are off your trolley.

-Look!

-What's it got to do with a bike?

Look, I'm not interested.

It sounds disgusting.

You're both old enough to know better - especially you.

Now, if you want to order food, go ahead.

Otherwise, you can leave.

-Where are you blokes headin'?

-Up to Cape York.

We're going fishing off the tip of Australia.

Not in this, you're not.

Especially this time of the year.

This won't even go close.

Oh?

Oh, well, um...

.have to get a hold of a four-wheel drive.

-Eh, Dad?

-Yeah. Yeah, we can rent one.

Anywhere near here we can get one of those?

Yep. Down at Cairns. No worries.

Well, there you go.

But unless it's got fins, I don't think it'll help ya.

What do you mean?

It's the wet season.

River crossings are 30 feet deep this time of the year.

Then there's the crocs.

Bloody wet season.

Mate, we did bloody well to get this far.

We can still whip over to Port Douglas.

I reckon the fishing there's great. Eh?

Yeah, I know, Dad, but...

you know, just once in my life it'd be nice to actually achieve

something I've set out to do. You know what I mean?

Does that thing work?

-FLY BUZZES

-I'm not going up in that.

Oh, yes, you are.

You've already dragged me 2,000 bloody miles.

We're going through with this now.

Does it even fly?

Well, it did last time we dragged it out.

Sorta.

DOOR CREAKS

I've gotta tell you, I'm not too crazy about flying.

Especially in small planes.

If you get scared, just close our eyes. That's what I do.

Oh, fantastic.

Well, you could always stay here. Look after the servo with Marge.

Nup. Your missus scares me.

Yeah, that makes two of us.

Hey, where do you get your aviation fuel around here?

Aviation fuel? That's just revenue raising for the government.

I use what I've got in the pumps.

-That works just as well?

-Yeah. Well, seems to.

That'll do it. Climb on in.

-SIGHS

-I'm glad you blokes turned up.

I've been looking for an excuse to see if the old girl

will still get off the ground with a big load like this.

SIGHS

ENGINE PURRS

Mate, you know, I'm really glad you talked me into this trip.

Here's the captain.

Yeah, well...

Well, she's started. That's always a good sign.

All tied in?

-Yep.

-Sort of.

OK.

Ah, shit!

Are they cows up there on the runway?

Not mine, the neighbours'.

I keep forgetting to fix that bloody fence.

They look like Brahmas. Good stock.

Shouldn't we be pulling up? Can we pull up, pull up?!

COWS BELLOW

Oh, shit!

That was a bit of fun.

Look at that, fellas.

Atherton Tablelands.

Home of agriculture, bananas,

pineapples...

Oh, fuck me! Not you too.

He's bad enough.

You get her up very often?

Nah.

Haven't been flying much lately.

Due to the fact that the carby's a bit dodgy.

How long's this going to take?

Oh, dunno.

Two...three hours?

Hope you had a pee before we left.

You do know how to find it, yeah?

I've flown to Cape York dozens of times.

Never as the pilot, though.

Now, is the ocean meant to be on our left or our right?

Right!

Oh, well. No worries, then.

Mate, this thing, can you do aerobatics in this?

Nah, it's not built for it.

I went up with a crop-duster pilot once.

And he done one of those stall drops. Geez, it was fun.

I can do a stall!

Thing is not to panic

just because the ground's coming up at 200 miles an hour.

See that, Boots? That's the beautiful Daintree forest.

Amazing, isn't it?

Just gently...pull it back.

Oh, that was fun!