Repo Chick

This programme contains strong language.

# What this country's coming to

# I sure would like to know

# If they don't do something by and by

# The rich will live and the poor will die

# Doggone, I mean the panic is on

# Can't get no work, can't draw no pay

# Unemployment getting worser every day

# Nothing to eat and no place to sleep

# All night long folks walking the street

# Doggone, I mean the panic is on

# All the landlords done raised the rents

# Folks that ain't broke is badly bent

# Where they get dough from, goodness knows

# But if they don't produce it, in the street they goes

# Doggone, I mean the panic is on

# Some women are selling apples, some selling pies

# Some selling gin and rye

# Some selling socks to support they man

# In fact, some are selling everything they can

# Doggone, I mean the panic is on

# Repo man came by today

# Took the rest of my stuff away

# Took my records but missed my gun

# So now there's gonna be some stealing done

# We been conned, the panic is on. #

In the last years of the Cold War,

the former Soviet Union developed a new weapon of mass destruction.

Harnessing the awesome power of Earth's own gravity,

these GD-34 Growler bombs were smaller and more destructive

than any battlefield munition previously deployed.

In the late 20th century, the largest repossession company was GMAC,

General Motors Acceptance Corporation.

With the deregulation of the banks, GMAC and less scrupulous companies

were able to sell mortgages to poor people who couldn't afford them.

As the economy collapsed, repossession and corrections

became the United States' only non-military growth industries.

Meanwhile, six Growlers remained unaccounted for.

POLICE SIREN HOWLS

MAN SCREAMS

MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS

Miss Pixxi?

Ahe-hem!

Miss Pixxi!

MUSIC STOPS

What's up?

Your forebears will see you now.

My...what?

Your father, your aunt, your grandmother.

You know the drill.

Sit down, Pixxita.

Since our last meeting, Pixxi,

you have been arrested how many times?

Well, it's been 18, hasn't it? 18 times!

Come on, Pops, you know how it is, fucking Beverly Hills cops,

lying at my probation hearing, lying in wait outside our gate.

Your driving licence was revoked...a year ago.

Why are you still driving, Pixxi?

A girl's gotta eat, right?

I'm entitled to a life.

-It's in the Constitution.

-Holding up with strangers!

-Hook-ups, Mother. They call it hooking up.

-That's right.

Oh, Grandma, those are lies. I knew all five of those boys.

Are we done yet?

Pixxi, we De La Chasses

are often accused of being rapacious oligarchs.

Merely on account of our wealth... we are abused and persecuted.

Can you not see how your actions add to our burden of suffering?

No.

Pixxita, at our last family council,

you swore to abstain from drinking, driving, clubbing,

eating in restaurants,

lending the De La Chasse family name to unguents and perfumes,

and having unprotected sex with...boy backup dancers.

And yet, lo and behold, here we are, two short weeks later,

and you've done all of these things, haven't you? Yeah.

Oh, Pops, don't worry, the cosmetics deal is going to fall through,

but wait...wait till you see my line of thongs, it's so beautiful.

They're pink and purple and yellow, and some glow in the dark.

Cease!

You and your...your snookery, your gadabout snookery!

Tell her to get a job or she'll be disinherited.

In light of your malfeasance, we have no choice...

'Yes, get a job, or you'll be disinherited!'

-Disin...what?

-Disin...what?

Disin...hurted? What's it mean?

It's when they go to your grave and dig you up.

They can't do it to Pixxi because she's not dead yet.

-Right, Pix?

-Right.

Coo-ee!

It's me!

Well, why did you pick up the phone if it's a wrong number, asshole?

You mean disinterred, Eggi. Disinherited is different.

But what does it mean, Pix?

Disinherited is like when someone owes you a lot of money,

like a fortune, and they refuse to hand it over.

And what makes it even worse

is that it's your own family that's trying to screw you over.

That's wack! That's like criminal, Pix.

I know - that's why we're going to go to my office right now,

and we're going to get the best legal advice they can afford.

Yes!

Coo-ee!

OK, this is the second time I'm calling you.

Why do you keep picking up the phone if it's a wrong number? Asshole!

-Loser!

-God!

The thing is, Pixxi,

your family don't have to give you any money if they don't want to.

-Yes, they do.

-No. No, in fact, the law says...

Who cares about the fucking law?

It's her family, they can't screw her!

But the law says...

The law can go suck my ass. Right, Pixxi?

All right, 666, take it easy. Let's hear what the jerk has to say,

and then if we don't like it, we'll just throw him down the stairs.

Pixxi, you're an adult, yes? Over 18. 21, presumably?

Don't go there.

The fact is, your family has no legal obligation to give you any money.

Yes, they do!

Let me ask you a question.

Stop asking her questions, and start suing them!

-Yeah!

-When your family said that you were disinherited,

did they offer up any sort of deal,

a resolution for you to be undisinherited?

(Yeah, they said, "Get a job.")

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

They told me to get a job!

You bastard!

They said if you found a job,

you'd be back into the family so as to inherit?

Ah! It's relatively simple.

-Get a job.

-I have a job!

I am a...cosmetics designer and a fashion designer

and a haute-couture model!

And I have my own record company!

And I'm a media executive producer!

I have so many jobs that I can't keep count!

VEHICLE REVERSING BEEPS

Bastard.

You think it's so easy, but Pixxi is busy.

Ain't no way she'll be able to fit a job into her schedule!

-What will she do when the money runs out?

-Hey, Pixxi, look!

These guys are attaching the front end of your car

to some great big mobile hook...thing.

Savage!

Hey, Frankenfuck! What the hell do you think you're doing, huh?

Hello.

Uh...

This here unit, it's, uh...

it's been reassigned to new owners.

-Huh?

-Yep!

You see, the previous caretakers of this here lovely unit,

well, they forgot to take good care of it.

Not only did they neglect to change the oil and take it for its service,

worse, they forgot to fulfil the monthly debt

that they had financially incurred.

-Is this a kind of a money thing?

-In a nutshell.

Well, you stay here. My boss is upstairs.

This is her car. I'll go get her, she'll explain everything.

-OK.

-OK? OK.

Um...

You're still gonna...be here, right?

I mean, you're not gonna drive off while I'm inside?

-What does it say?

-Well, read it for yourself.

Uh...

I don't really read too good, so... can you just tell me what it says?

-You bet.

-OK.

Right there, it says, "General George Armstrong Custer,"

and then underneath it, in smaller letters,

it says, "Velvet Glove Acceptance Corporation" - that's my company.

Well, all right! That's all right, yeah!

Well, I tell you what - you stay here, General.

-OK, yes, sir.

-Pixxi De La Chasse will be right down, all right?

Whoo!

Um, guys, how did they get the letters to stand up like this?

-Huh, Pix?

-How did they get the letters to stand up like this?

-On our printer, we only get it flat.

-That's unfabulous!

It must be one of those chill, new, super...3D printers, I guess.

-Add to shopping cart!

-Now, that's fabulous!

"Velvet Glove Acceptance Corporation.

"Hours of opening, 8:00 to 10:00, 3:30 to 4:00, alternate Thursdays.

"No admittance without appointment.

"If no answer, check with bartender."

BIRDSONG

METALLIC CRASH

Ahe-hem!

No answer!

What do we do?

Wake up.

Ahe-hem!

Oh, please!

Hey, dildohead. We come for our car.

HE LAUGHS

General Custer? I didn't even know we had these.

Did you hear what I said? I said that we come for our car.

Don't have it.

Give it back!

That car belongs to Pixxi De La Chasse.

The rock star and clothing designer?

Ahem!

Still too late. Thank you.

She's also a record producer and bigging the media all the time.

So if you old men want to avoid a world of hurt,

surrender the motor.

The bank took it away about an hour ago.

They move fast on specialty units.

Specialty units, ain't that the truth?

-They took it away fast.

-Yep.

For the last time!

SHE HISSES

Beat the bejesus out of 'em, Eggi.

What? Me?

If you can't do it, have one of the boys do it. Now!

Oh, yeah!

Get up, you deadbeat scum, and take what's coming to ya!

OK.

My little pumpkin!

Uncle Aguas!

It's my uncle, guys!

Interested?

Partially.

Purchasers of locomotive parts

are subject to an extensive background check.

Patriot Act, et cetera.

But you look...OK.

Why, thank you.

I am.

So Aguas,

how long have you been Savage's uncle, huh?

All his life.

-So long?

-Wow!

-That's sick!

-OK, wait.

I still don't see how you could just steal someone's car.

I mean, unit, Mister...

Gray, Ms Pixxi.

Arizona Gray III can steal just about any unit

you can conceive of,

so long as the bank desires it.

And not just vehicular units.

The bank owns everything.

So Gray goes after boat units, airplane units, railroad units.

Residential units, office building units,

medical-dental units, casino units.

One time, he ripped an entire factory unit!

Yep, should've seen the look on those workers' faces

when they showed up to their jobs and their plant was gone.

You guys are repo men.

Man, I saw a movie about you.

-Shut up, Six.

-No, no.

Look, there was this dude, and he was being chased by repo men.

MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES

Then he drove his car onto the driveway

of this mansion belonging to this old Hollywood movie star,

and he ended up drowned in the pool.

-Or was that the beginning?

-Hey, Uncle Aguas?

That poster says that you're looking for a few good men.

Yes, always. A good man is hard to find.

And vice versa, sweetie. Reason I ask...

KNOCKING ON DOOR

DOOR CREAKING

That locomotive in the yard.

Locomotive unit, yes? In our yard?

I would like to buy some parts.

-Locomotive unit parts?

-That's it.

Did Lola run your security checks?

Mm-hm.

-Assist the gentleman.

-Yes, sir.

As I was saying, Uncle Aguas,

my employer, Pixxi De La Chasse,

is always seeking chill, real-life, real-time experiences.

She's not afraid to roll up her sleeves and get her hands dirty.

-She ain't got no sleeves.

-You see?

Maybe Pixxi, because she is so fabulous and

down with the common people, Uncle Aguas,

-might just consent to...

-Pixxi could be a repo man!

-Yeah!

-An army of one!

-Yes!

-Ripping units!

-Yeah!

-Sending deadbeats to the bank!

-Yes!

-Yes!

This would be the Pixxi De La Chasse who has nine court appearances

coming up and is looking at jail time if she doesn't get a job

in addition to being disinherited by her family? That Pixxi?

No comment.

-Fuckin' A, that's her!

-Get off!

How much you going to pay me to hire her?

So how much are they paying you?

Don't really know. Money goes directly to the company.

I just do what Aguas says,

and Aguas says, "Drive her around, show her the ropes."

-Sounds interesting. So where are they?

-Where are what?

The ropes?

In the trunk, along with the spare tire

and some confiscated personal items and checklists.

Are your friends going to do this all day?

Yeah, actually. They're making a documentary reality show about me.

No kidding! When's it going to be on the TV?

Not any TV you have.

It's going to be on a very exclusive, in-house,

hotel intranet in Dubai.

That's better than any TV show.

-Oh!

-Sorry!

All right. There's your first assignment.

You see that big old trailer at the end of the street?

We need to liberate that from some Freddie Mac offenders.

-These are some mainline mortgage abusers.

-All right.

Let me at 'em.

DOG GROWLING

GUN SHOT

DOG YELPS

LOUD ELECTRONIC SOUND

You have 30 seconds to vacate this property.

After that, I will begin shooting.

25...

Excuse me, I mean, ten,

nine, eight,

three, two...

Huh!

No!

No!

Testing, one, two three.

Pixxi De La Chasse interview. Take one.

What's up, Pix?

So, what was it like, your first day on the job?

-That's a very good question...

-Wait, wait.

Sorry. Action!

Take two!

So what was it like, your first day on the job?

Well, you know, at first,

I kind of felt bad, you know?

Having to get up real early

and dress way down just to...to fit in.

But once I started doing the work,

I realized that I, too, could make a difference.

It's like my friend the Dalai Lama said,

when he returned to his own city, he saw no throne.

Wow.

Pixxi, you know everything.

Ha! Wow, yeah.

Pretty much everything worth knowing.

Aguas, Aguas! You should have seen her, man!

This girl's a natural.

It was one of the finest opera primi I have ever seen.

-She shoot the dogs?

-No, but she sure scared 'em!

And when she did that countdown?

Ten, nine, eight,

three, two, six, four!

It was a classic!

-And the unit?

-Already subdivided.

Three new families moved in.

Nice people. Spoke to 'em a while in their own lingo.

-You want to take her out again?

-Sure.

Let's see. Sailboat?

Sailboat.

Last seen Marina del Rey.

Three corporate jets, Ontario.

Back to Detroit, deadbeats!

And take the bus.

-Impressive.

-Yep.

-The problem...

-Problem?

-She's too good.

-Hm?

-Yep.

Look at her stats.

-Since yesterday, she has ripped five cars...

-Fantastic.

-..four homes...

-Terrific!

-..three planes,

six shopping malls, and two places of worship.

You're saying that if she continues thus,

her work will be the standard by which ours is judged?

Exactly.

We got us a live one, Aguas, filled with boundless energy,

ambitious, sadistic, fast.

Better add sand to that gas tank.

Check.

I'd like these rushes fine cut by tonight.

Eggi, I'd like you to get my lawyer on the phone...yesterday.

I'd also like a print out of how my thongs are doing market-wise.

Er, Savage?

Shiatsu. Now!

HE WAILS

What it do?

He got beat up, Pix.

My bodyguard?

There were eight of 'em, Pixxi.

Why'd they beat him up?

-Drug dealers.

-Drug dealers?!

666 owes a lot of money to drug dealers, Pixxi.

-A lot of money.

-Drug dealers, huh?

Have they got any good Quaaludes,

any Roar 714s, knock you on the floor?

No, just the real thing.

Coke, crank...

The Way.

So how much are they charging for a gram of coke? Less than 40?

No, Pixxi, 75.

WHAT?! No one's that stupid.

Are you guys lying to me?

No...no, Pixxi!

They beat him brutally.

They said they'd kill me...

-Unless he pays them what he owes.

-And how much does he owe?

A million dollars.

SHE LAUGHS

Are you kidding me?

You're trying to tell me that you consumed 1 million worth of drugs?

500 worth of drugs would have killed you.

Why are you still alive, you idiot?

Are you guys trying to lie to me and steal all my money?

ALL: No.

Pixxi, new assignment.

Check.

Yard two is where all the secondary units are tracked and stored.

Hmm, secondary units?

Yup. Up till now, you've just been handling primary units,

cars and homes and such.

Secondary units is where all the big, important stuff is.

Consider this your promotion.

Hello, Lola.

New recruit. Pixxi...

..meet Lola.

Won't last.

We'll see about that.

So how much are they paying you?

To entertain you, Pinkie?

Not enough.

Go fetch me some dregs from that slop bin over there.

So, Lola, not that I'm not having a fabulous time with you,

but I'm just wondering, you know,

when the actual fun is going to begin.

This is the fun.

No, no, no, it's not. The fun is when we were ripping units

and I was going into people's homes and I...

That's Primary Units. Secondary units are way too heavy

and by the time they get to us,

they're already wrecked.

Oh.

How about that?

Forget it, Pinkie. Doesn't exist.

Says here it do, Shorty.

"Three antique railroad cars,

"Dining, caboose...

"observation...

"1 million reward...

"1900 LOSTTRAIN."

Can I have your phone?

That antique railroad car...

-is an urban myth.

-Huh?

You know, like the poodle in the microwave

or the hippies spitting on the Vietnam vets.

Why did they put a poodle in a microwave? Was it wet?

They never did.

It's a myth...

-OK.

-..like these antique, railroad cars,

or the big lottery win, existing solely

to encourage typical, no-hoper, jerk-offs like you.

That's where you're wrong cos I am no typical, no-hoper, jerk-off.

I happen to come from one of LA's nine most influential families

and if it weren't for some bullshit scandal, then my father would be mayor.

Take these dregs back to the slop bin.

Check!

Father?

It is I, Pixxita.

Pixxi? Is it you?

Last time you were here, you consigned me,

your aunt and grandmother to the torments of hell.

You vowed never to return.

Yes, I know, but I think that we can put that in the past now.

Can't we all just get along?

Pixxi, the De La Chasse family escutcheon hangs in the balance.

-Have you found gainful employ yet?

-Yes, I have found it.

I am a repossession woman!

You and the Beverly Hills court system were right to force me to get a job.

I've learned so much from my experiences,

especially here in this beautiful, family chapel.

So having earned my lesson, I'd like to take an advance on my inheritance

as to promote a few business ventures

as well as pay off a few fines.

Erm, ten million would be best, but five is acceptable.

Cet argent n'existe plus.

So thoughtful and kind of you and grandma

and my aunts to cut me off temporarily.

I...I really think it just turned me right around,

like as if I took a cold shower in the bright of day.

Wh...What did you say before?

I said, Pixxi, that money is no more.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Your entire inheritance, all 77 million of it, give or take,

has been given to Mother Teresa's Daughters,

which is a marvellous little charity that provides women of poverty

access to false information regarding pregnancy

and denies access to birth control.

Wow.

That's quite something.

-Your grandmother thought it would piss you off.

-Oh, how it did.

And I'm just going to have to get you back.

You just try, my darling. You just try.

We De La Chasses are white, rich,

relatively vice-free.

We have no debts, huge holdings

and so, my little chickadee...

you can't touch us.

You just wait...homes.

-So, Lola...

-Yes, Pinkie?

Is it true with just a few strokes of the keyboard,

someone could ruin someone's credit score,

get them evicted kicking and screaming from their own home,

even if they own it, or is that just another one of your urban myths?

No, Pinkie. That is no myth.

And there are those of us in our business who have done that very thing

so as to revenge ourselves.

These are such lovely flowers that you have here.

Really beautiful.

They're Gray's.

Lola, could you show me what keystrokes and mouse clicks are required to do such a thing?

To do what, Pinkie?

Oh, I don't know... Ruin someone's credit, destroy them completely?

As a joke, obviously.

Sure, Pinkie, I'd be happy to.

Give me a name at random.

Aldrich De La Chasse.

-Spell it.

-A-L-D-R-I-C-H.

Coo-eee.

-It's impossible.

-Can't be done.

Doesn't exist.

But I saw it.

I saw the entire train, three cars and a locomotive.

Do you know how many repo men and women have wasted good men and women hours

in the fruitless search for that imaginary unit?!

Couple of them never came back, and the ones that did, well, they were never the same.

That's because they were searching for something that doesn't exist.

-A ghost train.

-This is not a ghost train.

It is made of real flesh and blood like me

and it's worth a million dollars!

Have you called that 900 number? The one offering the million dollars?

I don't have the train yet.

Well, why don't you call them now and see if the offer still exists?

I'll call them after I rip that train, Lola.

DOGS BARK AND HOWL

Hey.

-Hello.

-Make a charitable contribution?

-What's the charity?

-Against Golf.

-I don't play golf.

-Nor do I.

We're going to get it made illegal.

Do you know how many lives are ruined by golf courses?

Nope, but I can imagine.

-Only got a buck on me.

-That's fine.

Thank you.

Who was that, Gray?

-Man taking up a collection to ban golf.

-No kidding!

-Yep.

-I've never been golfing.

-Me neither.

You want to give it a whirl?

-Sure, boss, on my next day off.

-OK, stop changing the subject!

Aguas, assign me that train.

All right. That unit that doesn't exist, the ghost train,

you're assigned to find it.

Thanks.

This is after you do your real work, kiddo.

We have a date tomorrow

to smash up a pallet-load of mercury vapour lamps.

Check!

Marco...

I just had the most amazing dream.

I was...

I was busting up a pallet of mercury vapour lamps

and all of a sudden, I could fly and as I was soaring to great heights,

I looked down and I saw my grandma

and my aunt and my father and...

they were being beaten by the police!

Watch some telly, Boo Boo. You'll soon forget it.

Right.

Oh, snap. Look, Pixxi!

It's me in my new video!

# There was a monkey

# That escaped from the zoo... #

Police swoop on downtown's homeless tonight.

For the sixth night in succession, LAPD are seizing the property-less

and dumping them beyond the city limits...

Swine flu at the National Kennel Club.

-Are these pups affected?

-Look how cute the puppies are!

And did you see that neat, old train

-under the bridge where them cops were?

-No, tell me more...

Two classic passenger cars, a caboose and a black locomotive.

WHAT?!

-..seizing the property-less...

-That's it! That's the train! That's the train!

1900...

-what was the rest of the number?

-The rest of what, Pixxi?

The number for the train that we found.

1900 LOST TRAIN, eh?

Very funny.

-Hello.

-'Hello.'

I found your train.

-'Are you there?'

-Uh-huh.

-'I found your train, OK?'

-OK. Where is it?

Wouldn't I be the silly one to tell you where your precious little train is?

'Not until I see the million buckeroonies, buckaroo!'

I see your current location as Santa Fe Avenue

and the 7th Street Bridge in the City of Vernon.

-Do you still have the unit in sight?

-'Ah, fuck you!'

Give me my money first or else...

SCREAMING

CRASH

-Eggi, give me your phone!

-Can't...

-I'm trapped.

-Now!

-(WHIMPERS) OK.

-Come on!

Where Pixxi?

Senator Fletcher! Well, it's a real pleasure to meet you, sir.

I'm Nevada on behalf of GrandioseSolutions.com.

And this is Giggli. If there's anything you should need during your trip,

and I do mean anything, senator, just call on either one of us.

Well, I might just do that.

-Senator!

-Mr Lorenzo.

-Welcome aboard, sir.

Thank you.

Pixxi, Boo Boo!

'You've reached the Velvet Glove Acceptance Company.'

-Sshhh!

-'We're out right now, screwing some unfortunate.

'If you seek to be screwed by us as well, wait your turn.'

Aguas, listen. I found the train.

Supreme Court Justice Espinoza and Mrs Espinoza, I'm Nevada

from GrandioseSolutions.com. It's a real pleasure to meet you.

-Of course.

-And this is Giggli. Welcome aboard!

-Ladies, thank you.

There you go, honey.

SHE GASPS

Reverend Duncan! It's a real pleasure to meet you.

Oh, you can call me Sister Duncan. And what's your name, love?

I'm Nevada, sister, from GrandioseSolutions.com.

-On board, Giggli will give you your welcome pack.

-Brother Lorenzo?

Welcome aboard, sir.

-Oh!

-Brother Lorenzo!

Sister Duncan!

-Brother Lorenzo.

-Watch your step.

Oh, a mysterious envelope!

-Surely you don't think that I...

-No, no, no.

Just a small gift from our sponsors, Sister Duncan,

for your work with children.

Ohhhhh!

Please.

-Thank you.

-Welcome aboard.

Damn it, Marco! Which one's mine?

Mira, Pixxi. Red carpet!

Hey! Coo-eee!

-Coo-eee!

-May I help you?

Yes, by, erm, getting out of my way.

-This train has been hired for a private excursion.

-Yes, I know.

-I am on the guest list.

-Your name?

Pixxi De La Chasse Obando y Bravo, of course.

Hmm. Well...

Hmm. You're not on the list.

Hmm! Looks like I am!

Rikki Espinoza, that's my pseudonym for all the parties.

Nevada, this is Pixxi De La Chasse.

She is in all the tabloids. Her family are, like...

-..you know.

-Really?

Yes. And this excursion would barely exist without me.

Well, please.

The rest of the guests are having a pre-brunch cocktail

-in the observation cart.

-You're not on the list.

-If you'd like to join them, Pixxi...

-Oh, that's so sweet.

-And what's your name?

-My name is Giggli.

-Giggli, what a lovely name!

-Isn't it? My parents made it up.

Very sweet. Coo-ee!

He's with me.

BLOWS WHISTLE

Miss Pixxi and Mr Marco, is it? Welcome aboard.

I'm Lorenzo, your onboard service manager.

May I fill your glass?

Please...

Please...

And we're off!

GrandioseSolutions.com is proud to organise this brief tour

of the proposed route

of the Arbogast Energy Corridor for VIPs,

stakeholders and opinion-formers.

For the next few hours,

as Grandiose Solutions' Luxor Parlor Train visits these sites,

we'll be serving brunch,

followed by lunch, a wine tasting

and English country-house style sandwiches.

May we refill your glasses?

Sure.

I'll get back to you.

What am I doing here, again?

Visiting the proposed route for the Energy Corridor, Senator Fletcher.

A half a mile wide,

1,000 miles long, serving the LA area

with liquid natural gas from Coos Bay, Oregon,

wind power from Canada

and heavy crude from the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge.

Well, that's great.

Only maybe I should have brought my hard hat.

It will not be necessary to leave the train, senator.

We are just interested in your general impression.

You can view the proposed Energy Corridor

from the comfort of your seat in the observation, dining car or caboose.

Not the caboose, Giggli!

Right! Er, not the caboose.

Why not the caboose?

Only maybe I should have brought my hard hat!

These people are total fools.

Who cares about them? How much money did he give you?

I don't know. I haven't checked yet.

Uh uh! Gimme.

SHE MEOWS WITH EXCITEMENT

Ms Espinoza?

We're going to have some cocktails in the observation car.

INDISTINCT WHISPERING

Wasn't it Billy Graham?

No, I believe it was Pat Robertson who said that it was unrealistic

and naive to be preoccupied with civil liberties and disarmament,

as some of our politicians are...

-At a time...

-..when...

-..western civilization is confronted by the extremest of threats.

-Yes!

-My sentiments also. I'll have another little splash of this.

I see you like to go around with a pink plastic bullwhip.

PPBs are the new ACDs.

We are ready to begin serving brunch now in the dining car, one car down.

Between meals, you are welcome to come hang out here

in the Vista Dome, but do me a favour, folks, do not try and use

the caboose on the far side of the dining car.

The caboose remains closed as of this time. Brunch!

ROBOTIC BIRDSONG

Morning, Cap'n. Whoa! Excuse me there.

-What a beautiful morning!

-It certainly is.

It's the kind of morning which tempts one

not to go inside that door.

-Ignore the messages?

-Pay no attention to the e-mails?

And go fishing.

Sherry from Manzanillo, Spain - a dry, refined taste

to accompany the spectacular desert vistas we'll soon be enjoying.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

MOBILE PHONES RING

"El Monte. Heading east. Follow me."

-I got the same text.

-Me, too. I wonder who it's from.

Pixxi's assistant.

Mr Lorenzo, this trip in this magnificent antique train,

all this fine food, et cetera -

it's costing somebody a few extra bucks, I'd say.

Our clients are very interested in your and the other dignitaries' support, Senator.

Really.

Yeah, but what do any of us know about pipelines, damn it?

There may be other issues... you could help us with.

You're a smart man, Lorenzo.

I'm open for business any time.

-HE BURPS

-Senator.

SHE SINGS IN A WARBLING VOICE

Pixxi checks out.

Society heiress on day release from county jail.

Father owned most of the Valley,

though he recently went bankrupt in some mysterious circumstances.

What about the white rasta guy?

Back-up singer, dancer, grandson of some Eurotrash royalty.

-Any value as a US opinion-former?

-Negatory.

ROBOTIC BIRDSONG

CASSETTE REWINDS

HE WHISTLES

-ANSWERPHONE:

-39 angry messages. First angry message.

'Hello, Mr Gray?

'I'm really sorry to bother you again,

'but you're the only person I can think of who can help.

'You remember the furniture we were storing in our car

'after you repoed our house? Well, they just took the car away,

'and I was wondering if there's any way you could find out

'who got our car so I can go there and get our furniture back.

'The other guy said you all burned that stuff when you had a feast

'there in the Yard, but I said that didn't sound like you,

'or like Mr Aguas.

'Anyway, hope you're having a great day.

'Thanks again for the 50 - Grandma really appreciated it.

'And my number...'

MACHINE BLEEPS

Lord, for what we are about to receive, for what we have

already received, and the wisdom to know the difference, thank you.

-Amen.

-Amen.

-Amen.

Mr Lorenzo, when can we expect to see this Energy Corridor of yours?

I mean, here we are out in the desert and...

Ah, the Arbogast Corridor, of course.

You know, in the excitement, I forgot to mention it.

Mr Lorenzo, you know, people worry about the silliest things.

Aren't your sponsors concerned about the NIMBY factor?

No, the law is the law.

Those greens can quickly be put to other use...

SHE KICKS HIM

Greens? Is this political?

May as well tell 'em.

What?

OK...

There is another reason we invited you here.

CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS

Yes, Mr Lorenzo? And what would that be?

The criminalisation...

of golf.

SHE LAUGHS

-Golf?

-Golf.

-ANSWERPHONE:

-'The guys who took my car, Mr Custer,

'evidently didn't know there was a box of kittens in the back.'

MACHINE BLEEPS

-PIXXI:

-'I'm on the train, and the sommelier is babbling

'about golf! Call me back on Eggi's phone ASAP.

'Aguas, Gray, Lola, what's up?

'Where did you go? Fishing or something?'

MACHINE BLEEPS

Aguas!

Lola!

Golf courses are a waste of precious agricultural and public land.

They squander billions of gallons of water annually, while spreading

innumerable poisons and insecticides into the environment.

-I enjoy a good game of golf.

-Yo, me too. Two Strikes.

In the Third World,

golf courses mean death to small indigenous communities.

I know that, as rational citizens and opinion-formers,

that you will join with me in the urgent call

to have golf made illegal, both at home and abroad.

Larry, boy...

you're kidding, right?

Scripture is explicit in its advocation of golf.

Revelations 6:13.

PHONE RINGS

Yo, Gray!

Where the Dickens have you been?

OK. You're on the train that's headed back to the Union Station.

Got that. I'll be there. What time's it due?

SQUEALING AND INTERFERENCE Oh!

Pixxi!

Pixxi! Hello?

Sit down, back-up dancer!

Ladies and gentlemen,

since you have declined to join our righteous cause,

I will be obliged to detain you.

This will only be for a couple of hours,

then you will be at liberty, if all goes well.

-Cuff them, Giggli.

-This is terrorism!

If you believe that to seek much-needed political change

by radical means is terrorism, then our nation is a terror state.

-Nonsense.

-Can it, Two Strikes.

Now, each one of you has contributed in some way

to the pernicious spread of golf.

You, Senator Fletcher, have frequently sought to be photographed

with golfing celebrities like Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods.

I... I...I had to. There was no alternative.

You, Pastor Duncan, married 2,000

Korean golfers in an on-course mass ceremony in Puchong.

I don't recall.

And you, Justice and Rikki Espinoza, built a complex of vacation homes

at the golf resort of Boracay, with an 18-hole course that requires

800,000 gallons of water a day

on an island that has no water!

Hey, hey, hey, you don't need to handcuff me. I hate golf.

-You're just saying that.

-No, I'm not.

-Wait.

She and her friends gave me a contribution

when I was downtown collecting for the cause.

That's right.

I despise golf so much that when I was in high school,

I used to get really high, go to the golf courses

and throw lighters and matches on it just to set it on fire.

-Don't trust her, Lorenzo, she's lying.

-I'm not!

OK, fine.

-Show 'em, Marco.

-Yeah, mon!

What is MHGCI?

-Malibu High Golf Course Incendiaries.

-Hm!

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Found your train.

OK, where is it?

It's en route to a station in the Southland.

I claim my million dollars.

I see your current location is Wall Avenue and 112th Street

in the city of Commerce.

-Do you still have the train in sight?

-Did I misspeak?

Apologies, sir. Those million dollars, how about 'em?

Now, see here, Mr Custer, this is a national security matter,

and you're obliged to tell us all you know about that unit right now.

Uh-huh.

Why don't you kiss my sister's black cat's ass?

Two calls from this vector in the last 48 minutes.

the unit must be in this vicinity!

Are you ready, Lorenzo?

Five, four, three, two, one,

and going live.

'Do not attempt to adjust your television set.'

We have taken control of all networks.

We have disabled all remote controls.

We instruct the president of the United States

to close all golf courses

and ban the corrupting practice of golf.

We further instruct that he and his colleagues cease

eating meat immediately.

'If the president fails to do this, within the next hour,'

the city of Los Angeles will entirely be destroyed.

So there!

I told you not to switch the channels.

'Right now, we are aboard a train which, travelling at top speed,

'will arrive at the Union Station in LA at 1900 hours.'

We'd like to play a round or two, my friend.

-Sign us up as temporary members.

-I can't do that.

Oh, come on, don't be a jerk.

All we want to do is hit some balls around.

The club is closed today, and we're not accepting temporary members.

-Racist.

-Sexist.

-That really hurts me, guys.

You haven't got a clue as to what's going on here.

If any attempt is made to stop this train, we'll do the same.

OK, wrap it up.

You missed out on a whole bunch of stuff

about the founding fathers and the freedom fighters!

Nevada saved your ass.

I couldn't concentrate. The Growler bombs.

Growler bombs?

You can't be serious. These things take time!

Screw the long run, Senator! This will get resolved today!

Why are we broadcasting out of the Caboose? It's hotter than hell.

When you guys are done arguing, can I ask a question?

We are not arguing!

Don't ask them questions, Perky. You're provoking them.

-I'm not!

-Yes, you are. Stop it.

-Fuck you, Rikki.

Mr Lorenzo, you were only bluffing

about blowing up this train, right?

You're certain they have Growlers on board, Professor?

As many as half a dozen.

CIA assured us all those Growlers were accounted for.

Except the ones in Mexico, which we now know are secreted on THAT train.

We've run want ads for this missing train in all the repo media,

made up old-style "wanted" posters offering a million dollars reward.

You got the reward money authorised, right? Well?

-Uh, you didn't, did you?

-We're taking those crazies out.

-Predator drone, sir?

-Hello?

Hey, this is the guy who just gave the ultimatum on TV.

-You were watching, right?

-Go ahead.

Well, I just wanted to say that you're probably thinking,

take out the train now with a Predator drone, right?

'Do not try it.

'Our Growlers are primed

'and ready to detonate in the event of any attempt to stop us.'

And in addition, we have five august dignitaries here

as guarantors of our security.

They are...

Supreme Court Justice Fabio Espinoza.

Rikki Espinoza, Emeritus Director of Minority Rights Watch.

Sister Duncan, Universal Church of Life, City of Toil. Thank you!

State Senator Fritz Fletcher, and I'd like to add my own...

-Holla, I'm Pixxi.

-Say your name properly.

Pixxi De La Chasse Obando y Bravo, composer and performance artist.

-And I be Marco.

-You now know we are serious.

-You have...30 minutes left.

-Should we advise the president?

President's in Mongolia right now, attending

a meeting of non-aligned ethanol producers.

-He'll be asleep, for sure.

-The vice-president?

-Also in Mongolia.

Neither of them is gonna ban golf. Not in an election year.

The Reaper drone it is, then.

Fishing, I understand.

It's relaxing, and sometimes you get a fish.

But this?

If this is what the upper echelons of society do to enjoy themselves,

then the crisis is worse than I thought.

-Marco, you battyman! Marco!

-Boo Boo, shut up!

No, I'm not gonna shut up!

How dare this asshole not include me in his list of celebrity hostages?

My godfather is Prince! Prince!

I'm, like, the second biggest celebrity here!

-Are not!

-Marco, you battyman! Marco!

Hey, Giggle. Hi. Your goal, and tell me

if I'm wrong, is to abolish the golf courses, right?

Yes!

And to get the president and all his crew up there to go vegan.

You seriously expect our president to become a vegetarian?

Vegan. Yeah, and what do you call them, his, uh, his...

-His staff?

-His cabinets! This is about climate change, too, you see.

I see.

SHOUTING

MACHINE GUN FIRE

-Not my glasses!

-Marco, Marco! Stop the train!

My black sheep uncle, Giancarlo,

used to be engineer on the Paris-Milano Express!

-Many times, as a little boy...

-Baby, baby, baby! Hurry!

-Check!

-Marco!

Marco is the hottest boy in the world,

and I am the hottest girl in the world.

Coo-ee! Marco! Give us a smile!

-This is Pixxi.

-'So, anyway...'

Hello, Savage.

Beautiful, baby!

'Eggi ordered one of those 3D printers you like,

'and it's coming on Tuesday!'

-Why didn't she overnight it?

-'I don't know, Pix.'

-Wait. This is Pixxi.

-Allo, Pixxi, love! There is no engineer!

Somebody be runnin' this train remotely. Maybe the Caboose!

You guys! Just get with it!

# We gather at the river

# The beautiful, the beautiful river

# Gather with the saints at the river that flows by the throne of God. #

Sir, it may not be necessary to deploy the Predator drone.

It may not be necessary to blah, blah, blah.

Well, too bad for you, because we're gonna deploy the Predator drone!

And maybe even the Reaper drone, too!

I mean, what are you, some kind of Communist?

Yes, sir, as it happens, I am a Communist.

But I do not see how that's germane to this discussion.

You better leave this experiment immediately, you Commie bastard.

Colonel! Colonel! For the record, sir, I, too, am a Communist.

-What?

-So am I, sir. So are others here present.

We've come a long way, Colonel, from the days when Communists were

witch-hunted or denied a role in the military or homeland security.

We Communists just believe in a different political system, sir,

and in a more just society, whose cornerstone

is a safe and reliable public transportation network.

Plus free universal health care.

OK, Commies. Shoot!

Colonel, right now, this train is passing through the busiest

rail transportation corridor in the West.

Even one Growler blast will put the entire system

out of operation indefinitely.

Then comes the firestorm! Ja.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? They spoke to the president. Uh-huh.

OK.

No, no, that's not negotiable.

OK, yeah. I'm just saying.

Well, you tell him!

The president said, OK, get this,

he said he's very open to banning golf...

-..and that he personally is happy to go vegetarian immediately.

-Wait! No!

But he can't speak for the Senate or the House of Representatives.

Wait! No! No! But...no. No way.

Well, that's what I said, OK. I said, it has to be all of them.

And he said he'll get the word out right away.

-And is he going to call you back?

-I guess so.

Who were you talking to?

I don't know! Now stop asking me questions,

Lorenzo! You're freaking me out!

-Do you want my hankie?

-What?

-Do you want my hankie?

Is everything OK?

Sure. Yeah.

-What's wrong?

-Nothing's wrong.

I knew it would go like this!

We agreed to insist the president go totally vegan.

And it already got watered down.

Vegetarian and vegan aren't the same!

Solidarity, Giggli! We're dealing in the art of the practical here.

-Do you want my hankie?

-Thank you!

PHONE RINGS

Hello? OK.

OK. OK.

I don't know about that. What time?

Let me get back to you.

The president has agreed to everything.

Enabling legislation to ban golf will be passed by midnight tonight.

That's 9:00pm, our time.

All meat products will be pulled from the Capitol Hill

kitchens by that hour.

I'll tell the Doc.

-Hello.

-'Hello?

-'Anybody there?'

-Who is this?

'Those terrorists you were talking to,

'they may not be able to stop this train

'because the locomotive hasn't got a driver!'

Listen, I need you to immediately deploy a huge, gigantic,

airbag-type-thing between us and downtown!

Is this an official communication from the terrorists?

'No, you idiot.'

It's Pixxi! Just do what I say!

-Pixxi.

-'Hello?'

Neither Amtrak nor Union Pacific possesses

such a huge airbag technology that you suggest.

Maybe we should, but we don't.

However, Pixxi, there is still a chance.

'Right now, the pirates are following the route of the Sunset Limited.

'All lights and points are set in their favour all the way to downtown.'

But if you could switch the points

onto the old Mojave-Lancaster spur, LA can be saved!

'That's a real chill notion,

'but how would you like me to switch the points if I'm on the train?'

PHONE RINGS

-It's for you.

-Thank you. It's Pixxi.

Arizona Gray.

Backing you up at the Union Station. Everything OK?

-'No, Gray, it's too late.'

-It's never too late, Pixxi.

No matter how large or complex the unit,

no matter how long the odds, if there's a price, we can collect it!

-'Not in this instance.'

-Pixxi, you must succeed.

The example that you're setting to us all by doing so is critical.

If you fail, mortgage defaults will continue to rise,

forcing more repossessions, driving home prices down,

causing more defaults.

Bailouts will cease to save us. Bankers will stop making loans.

Businesses will fail, leading to rising unemployment,

zero credit, a worldwide recession,

and, thus, the end of the repo trade.

OK, well, Gray, if we're to achieve this,

you have less than three minutes to get to Glendale,

throw the switch from downtown to the old Lancaster-Mojave line.

Three minutes? From the Union Station? That's impossible!

-No, it's not.

-Yes, it is.

-Well, just do it anyway.

Check.

-And that's what the president said.

-Doc, we're laughing.

In future years, instead of golf courses, there'll be farms,

allotments, parks named after us.

You spoke to the president?

No, no, it was all done via this guy.

-You spoke to him, too, right?

-Yeah, a military guy.

He was on the level.

Oh...

Drat!

May I ask who's calling?

-Yo. Gray?

-Miss Pixxi?

-This be she. Who's this?

Miss Pixxi, this is Rogers, your father's manservant.

Rogers. What's up?

Miss Pixxi, what an opportune surprise.

I'm afraid your friend has suffered

an attack of some kind, laying him low.

Gray? Shit!

It appears he was just about to pull this lever

when his incapacitating stroke occurred.

Are you trackside? Are you near that lever?

I am adjacent to it.

Rogers, I need you to pull that lever. Pull the lever!

Miss Pixxi, I would love to be of service,

but my first duty is to your family.

Is there no way that you, your father,

and your aunt cannot be reconciled?

No. No way! Tell them to go to hell!

I'm not talking to them.

Then I cannot assist.

All right, OK, OK. OK, Rogers.

Pull that switch and put the swine on the phone.

Hey, Pops, how's it hanging?

It's Pixxi.

Mmm-hmm, yeah, wow.

Anyway, how's Grandma? Oh, that's terrible.

This president's spokesman, what did he ask you to do?

Nothing.

Oh, just slow the train down and bring

it into Union Station around 9:00pm

instead of right away.

Right, that's when they're going to announce the legislation.

-Well, we're not headed for Union Station.

-What do you mean?

-What?

-They've switched us to another track.

We're on our way back to the desert.

Oh, phooey.

Nah.

Oh, Nevada, why not?

There's no point, really, in blowing up the desert,

a place of rare beauty and an already endangered ecosystem.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah. They want to talk to our technical expert.

-Hello?

-Walter, is that you?

Willy? It's been a long time.

Are you still working for the Pentagon?

Ja, ja, that's the general idea, Walter.

Unlike you, always collaborating with the Axis of Evil.

It is my disposition, ever since Papa took us to the slaughterhouse.

'I've been on the side of the weak against the strong,'

-especially against Nazi lickspittles like you, brother.

-Liar. Liar!

You were always a spoiled little brat,

and now you will die as a result of your own egotistical schemes.

-'Ah, fuck you.'

-No! No! Fuck you!

In 30 seconds, my Predator drones, locked on that stupid

broadcast antenna on your Caboose, will eradicate you!

Oh, Willy, pathetic little Willy.

It only takes me ten seconds to lower that antenna.

-'Your drones will miss their target.'

-Liar! Fool!

Idiot! You cannot escape me! You don't even exist!

You're nothing but a tabletop experiment...

How about dropping that antenna, Doc?

Remote control deactivated.

Here come the drones.

THEY WHIMPER AND CRY

-Gosh, Pixxi, you're so damn chill.

-Thanks, Giggli.

I mean, look at them, it's pathetic!

And you're handling all of this so chilly.

Well, you know, it's like the Book of Bushido says,

by my friend the Dalai Lama. Always keep death in mind,

-and you won't fail to be attentive to your employer or family duty.

-Sick.

-You know, I do regret one thing, though.

-What, Pixxi?

Not having my 3D printer.

Since we're about to die...

..shall we hold hands?

Check, Chiquita.

Thank you.

And after the train entered the tunnel, it was easy.

I was able to overpower my immediate captor and free the other hostages.

All of whom rallied and came through at the eleventh hour.

In a spirited Capoeira-based

counterattack on our dispirited kidnappers.

Who were no match for the ol' USA one-two!

And that, my friends, was that.

Praise the Lord!

What happened to these weapons of mass destruction, the WMDs?

ALL: All five backpack devices were safely accounted for and have

been returned to the Centre for Advanced Deactivation at Los Alamos.

What about the three terrorists?

Were their human rights respected throughout this hectic process?

Well, as Emeritus Secretary for Terrorist Rights Watch,

let me give you an appropriate line of bullshit.

Coo-ee!

APPLAUSE

Three terrorists? I thought it was four.

The Mexican, those two cute little girls. No, there was only three.

And six bombs. He said five.

Wonder where Gray is?

Who cares about Gray?

Oh, Aguas...

THEY SPEAK IN SPANISH

Hey, Gray. Do you ever experience the feeling

that you might just be a tiny little simulacrum

or an avatar created by a mad scientist

as part of a tabletop experiment?

Sure, I have that feeling from time to time.

And does that make a difference to you in your actions?

-Wouldn't have it any other way. Ah, here comes the bus.

-Check!

# Guns, germs and steel

# My kingdom for more horse power

# Guns, germs and steel

# My kingdom for more horse power

# Sunset sets sail, plot a course for where the sun kisses the sea

# For Francis Bacon, King and country, the Virginia Company

# Fast-forward 400 years and I'm crying in my fear

# Bacon's dystopia, rubber barons mortgage our future

# It gets worse, this is not working

# The rocker club is smashed

# Three back loops, out of whack

# Fat karma coming back But it jumped the tracks

# Reading between the lies, limited liability packs a surprise

# What comes around goes awry

# A children's eye for an eye

# By the Northstar, by heavens

# Jamestown 2007, Shouldering the oil man's burden... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd