The Infidel

This programme contains very strong language

(MAN SHOUTING THROUGH MEGAPHONE / CROWD SHOUTING)

'Voices were raised in protest today at the Home Office decision

'to allow militant Egyptian cleric Arshad Al-Masri into the UK

'for a lecture tour.

'Al-Masri, seen here preaching in Pakistan,

'is a controversial figure both at home and abroad

'and has been linked to extremist Islamic groups.

'The reaction of the British Muslim community is mixed, some saying...'

Oh, fuck off.

(SYNTH-POP MUSIC ON TV)

# Never say what you can hear

-# When voices whisper in your ear... #

-Mummy, Mummy! Look!

# Cold comfort found in the night's warm air

(DOORBELL RINGS) # There's someone else in here... #

-Mahmud, darling.

-# You see it in my stare

# Why don't you close your eyes at midnight? #

Darling.

-# Why can't you... # (VOLUME LOWERS)

-The imam is here.

So all that? Ta-ta, mate. Thank you.

(SIGHS)

-Whoa, what do you want?

-A jihad on the Great Satan.

Grr! We, the Imperialist Empire, we surrender to your holy power.

I wish you wouldn't teach her those words.

I'm not being funny but does Lady Gaga look like an ostrich or what?

It'll be brilliant. Nothing to worry about. I'm sure the weather will hold

-Sorry I called time on my son.

-We have to sort out Grandma's house.

Ah, right. I was on my way out.

Make sure you carry all the boxes.

Hey, ladies.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

-Right now.

-OK, Mum.

# Why can't you close your eyes for me?

# Why don't you close your eyes at midnight?

# You've seen the other side of me

# Other side of me

(BOYS) Yiddo! Yeah!

(WIND RISES)

(WHIRRING)

-I wanted to speak to you about something.

-Is it the new imam?

-I know he's a "trendy vicar".

-Don't do that.

-Do what?

The inverted commas thing.

Admittedly it is a bit of a "cunty" thing to do.

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

Christ, bloody cabbies. They think they own the road.

-Here's the thing.

-I know what you want to say. I know.

-Do you?

-Yeah. Uzma is a lovely girl, but, you know, men...

For men, women are like a buffet, aren't they?

You don't want to sit down till you've piled your plate high,

till it's toppling all over.

You've got red meat, poached salmon, bit of turkey meat, white meat.

-Get my drift?

-So it's an all-you-can-eat deal, this buffet?

Exactly.

Dad, the only woman I'm interested in is Uzma.

I don't like buffets. I prefer meals at restaurants.

Where you always order the same thing -

chicken karahi with chips and tomato sauce.

Yeah So next time I need a dose of middle-aged Muslim misogyny

I will call Hanif Kureshi.

Dad, I need to tell you something about the wedding.

I just need you to listen. Calmly.

OK. You got it. I'm Zen.

I'm Gandhi. Go. Go for it.

Right. Well...

-(BRAKES SQUEAL)

-Dad!

Stupid fuck.

You stupid tossing arsing wanker!

What's your fuckin' problem? Learn to fuckin' drive!

(MUSIC OF ISRAELI NATIONAL ANTHEM "HATIKVAH" DROWNS SPEECH)

Moron! Fuckin' stupid... fuckwits!

Right, where were we?

Uzma's mum's been in Pakistan. I'm not completely out of the loop.

OK, well, she's met someone.

-Hm?

-A man.

She's obviously still a very attractive woman. Especially the...

-Would it upset you if I said the word "tits"?

-Yes.

Although I... The point is, she's getting married again.

-I'm not surprised, given the...

-Don't do the tits action again.

-What I'm trying to say is...

-When did Uzma's dad die again?

Three years ago. So...

You know, when my dad died, I was still so young, you know.

I didn't want Mum to look at another man. But now she's gone, so...

So Uzma is flying out tomorrow to Pakistan for her mum's wedding.

When do we meet this new stepdad of hers?

Well, um, they're all coming back the week after next

and he wants to meet us then, me, Mum, you.

OK, no probs. So who is he?

No.

Yeah.

No.

Yes.

NO!

It's fair enough, given the...

Shut it!

Get in there!

Have you gone completely mental?

-Did you put a parking permit in the car?

-Don't change the subject!

Isn't it enough that we put on a rucksack,

-we get a tube carriage to ourselves?

-Dad...

-Where is it? It's here somewhere.

-Dad, come on.

Look at this. D'you know why Mum kept that?

I wrote a letter to this paper once explaining why people like us

have to stand up to Wahhabi nutters like your would-be dad-in-law.

"This is an issue which should unite all British Muslims

"whether Sunni or shite..."

I wrote complaining about that but they didn't print it.

Calm down. Listen. We need his approval or I can't marry Uzma.

Give me one thing guaranteed to make me less calm

than inviting Arshad Al-fuckin'-Stalin into my family.

-Look...

-(BEEPING)

I just parked for two minutes! It's two minutes. This is my dead mum!

My dead mum!

Tossers!

I don't believe it!

(TAPPING)

They never come round this way, not this time on a Thursday.

(TAPPING)

Not unless someone...

(TAPS)

Was that you?

You fuckin'...

("HATIKVAH" MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH)

I'm trying to clear out my dead mother's house here!

Kutha!

You got something against my family? Is that what it is?

Against minicab owners?

Right, I got it, yeah. Yeah, yeah

It's Muslims, innit?

Muslims.

-Come out here.

-Stop it. Leave it!

-Fuckin' come out here!

-Leave it.

All right, I'm easy, easy. I'm calm.

-Stop it. Dad!

-Come here!

-It's not worth it! Stop it.

-They think they own the world.

-A minute ago it was just the road.

I don't mean cabbies.

-Car's at the pound in Charlton Street.

-I love this one.

Never knew what it meant.

"He who looks after an orphan shall be in paradise."

Ah. Yeah. Yep, of course.

Because the Prophet, sal allahu aleihi wasallam, was an orphan.

I knew that, Rashid. His father died before he was born.

I've read my Quran.

The Quran never actually mentions his parents.

Er, anyway, Dad, here's the thing. I really want to marry Uzma

and I know her stepdad might seem a little strict...

but we need him to think we're proper Muslims.

(LAUGHS) We are proper Muslims.

Yeah, I know. I meant observant ones, you know.

Rashid, listen. I may not say my namaaz five times a day,

I may not even fast every day of Ramadan,

and now and again a small sip of the old pale ale passes my lips,

but in here, in here,

by the name of the Prophet, sal allahu aleihi wasallam,

Allah lives, OK? Come on.

-OK, Dad. Of course.

-Come on.

I just need that to be clear. When the time comes I think maybe...

It's what they would have wanted.

(SIGHS) You're right.

All right, I promise.

I promise that when fundamentalist fatty fatwa-face comes...

Dad!

I'm joking. I promise that when Uzma's stepdad pops by

I will be the best Muslim I can be.

-Thanks, Dad.

-Come on.

Come on, let's finish off the job.

Subhan Allah! Look at all this stuff.

You got Dad's military service discharge certificate,

you got Mum's birth certificate, you got my...

birth...certificate.

-Saamiya.

-Hm?

Where's my mother now?

Jaanu...

She's flying with your father through the seven skies.

My father...

(WOMAN) Well, Mr Nasir, I think we can think only one thing really.

You were adopted at the age of two weeks from the...

Whitechapel branch of the Waifs and Strays Society.

Waifs and Strays?

What was I, a golden retriever?

It's now called the Children's Society.

(MUTTERS)

So...who are my real parents?

Ah, we don't tend to use the world "real" in these cases, Mr Nasir.

What word would you use? Would you use "lazy" or "irresponsible"

or "couldn't quite be bothered to bring me up" parents?

"Birth". We say the birth parents.

OK. So who are my "birth" parents?

Can you not do that inverted commas thing? It's a bit...

If you wish to trace your parentage, you will have to go to an agency.

They'll put you in touch with a counsellor...

-Just the name.

-..after which...

Just the name. My birth name. I need to know.

-I'm sorry, but my hands are tied.

-Mrs Keyes, please.

In my culture a man's name is really important to him.

-I'm afraid not.

-Just the first name.

You may have had no name at all. Many waifs and strays do not.

OK. Would you check that, please?

I'm sorry I'm taking your time.

No... You do. Did.

So there you go.

-Can you tell me what the name was?

-Sorry. I said I wouldn't tell you.

No, you didn't. You said you wouldn't tell me my whole name.

-I can't trace...

-All right, all right.

Will you go if I tell you?

Yes. I'm happy, really happy to go.

What is it? Is it Iqbal, Omar?

Jamal? I've always liked Jamal.

Solly.

Solly.

Solly...

There's got to be some mistake in the records. Can I look at that?

-You said you'd go.

-Come on. That's before I knew my name was Solly.

Just a quick look. Excuse me. Please, please.

I'll call security.

I need to look at it, please, thank you!

Excuse me. Thank you.

-Shimshiz...

-I think it's pronounced Shimshillewitz.

-Security.

-Solly Shimshillewitz.

Yes.

Nah. But that would mean I was...

I was...

Yes, Mr Nasir. As indeed it goes on to confirm later in the document,

in common with many people living in this area at the time,

you are by birth Jewish.

(LAUGHS) No.

I can't be. Look at me.

I'm so obviously not.

Well, that's not what it says here.

And you are also at the present time leaving.

Give me a break. You find out you're Jewish

and suddenly some bloke in uniform is leading you away? Ridiculous!

Come on!

(CHOIR SINGS) # The Virgin Mary had a baby boy

# The Virgin Mary had a baby boy and they say that his name is Jesus

# He came from the glory

# He came from the glorious kingdom

# He came from the glory

# He came from the glorious kingdom

# Oh, yes, believers

# Oh, yes, believers

# He came from the glorious kingdom

(TRADITIONAL JEWISH KLEZMER MUSIC)

Sorry. Sorry I drank some beer.

Sorry I fancied that pram-face tart in Tesco. Please make it not true.

(CALL TO PRAYER OVER PA SYSTEM)

-Hello, Joseph.

-Daniel, how are you?

-Very good.

-Looking well.

(WIND RISES)

(CALL TO PRAYER ECHOING)

Easy, easy.

Excuse me. Do you mind just watching where...

(RADIO) '..fabulous track there by Cat Stevens, now Yusuf Islam.'

-Morning, Jew.

-Morning.

-What would you like for breakfast?

-Crunchy Bran.

-Sorry, did you just say...

-Daddy...

-Yes, darling?

Can you do up my Jews?

-What are you talking about?

-There's too much Jew in this tea.

Sorry, did I say tea? I meant Jew.

A-Jew!

A-Jew!

Well, look, I've got to go to work.

OK. Ap ye lei lein, Jew.

Yes. Good. I need to study this.

(BELL RINGS)

(SPOTLIGHT CLICKS ON / CROWD CHEERS)

(GARY PAGE) # Why don't you close your eyes with me now?

# Why can't you close your eyes with me? #

(SNORES)

(LAUGHS) Mahmud! Mahmud!

Wake up. Mahmud.

Mahmud, wake up. (LAUGHS)

Have you been here all night? Come, come. Stand.

-Oh, Jesus.

-Fallen asleep.

-(COUGHS)

-It's OK.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I've got to get back.

Christ...

(SIGHS)

-Imam?

-Yes. What?

-There's something I'd like to talk to you about.

Is it about Rashid and Uzma?

I know it's heavy that Al-Masri is her stepdad, a little WTF. (LAUGHS)

Well, yeah. No, no, that's not it. Here's the thing.

I just... found out something about myself.

-Ah, a difficult thing.

-You're telling me.

Something that deeply challenges your idea of yourself.

Yes, yes, exactly.

I think I know what it is you're trying to tell me.

-You do?

-Yes. You're not the first.

-Really?

-No. I mean, the Quran is pretty rigid on this.

-Yes, of course.

-But Islam is about mercy and interpretation.

My interpretation is this.

If you're gay, you're gay.

Oh, for Christ's sake. That's...

Yeah. I know Al-Araaf, Ayah 180, states that,

"Ye who practise their lusts on men as opposed to women

rain down on them a shower of brimstone."

-That's not -

-Sounds bad, I know.

But I think that brimstone is already raining down on you inside.

-Yes, but -

-And maybe that's enough for Allah.

-No, well, do I look like...

-Now, the punishment is death by stoning,

some say.

But if you read my book, Islam, the Other Voices,

you'll find a whole host of evidence that suggests that when two men...

-Have you seen Christian Louboutin's Mad Mary Jane Three-Straps?

-No.

Agyness Deyn has started wearing them so now they're all sold out.

Primark do a version, but they look a bit orthopaedic boot.

It's like having a club foot.

-Muna.

-Yeah.

-Mahmud didn't come home last night.

-Oos ko call kiya?

-Straight to answer phone.

The thing is, my mother used to say...

We are all Hezbollah now!

Nabi. Fish fingers, khao.

-Kill the unbelievers!

-Nabi.

My mother used to say that when men's mothers died

-they go a bit...

-Mental?

A bit mid-life crisisy.

-Hm. Well, has he recently got a motorbike?

-No.

-Tattoo?

-No.

-Back

-wax?

-I wish.

What about the other thing that mid-life crisisy men do?

-No.

-Honestly.

I read about it in Grazia.

What you have to do is when he comes back, keep an eye out for anything

which might suggest he's been near somebody else's perfume.

You think...he would actually...

(SNIGGERS) Course not!

This is Mahmud we're talking about.

(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)

Mahmud?

I need to take a shower.

Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew!

(YELLS)

So, I'm dying to know, how was the big day?

'I dunno. It was a weird wedding.'

'Catering by Al-Qaeda.'

'Check out the bridesmaids' quarters.'

Oh, Jesus.

'I'm still hoping we can upgrade to a room in Abu Ghraib.'

'So, how did it go with your dad?'

Actually, not bad, you know. He seemed to take it quite seriously.

I'm keeping him sweet. I found this clip of this '80s pop star he likes

and... Wow! Dad... You look great.

-Doesn't he look great?

-(UZMA LAUGHS)

-'Bohat sundar, Mr Nasir. You look lovely.'

-Thank you. Thank you.

-Um, can I use my computer, please?

-Yeah. Um, bye, darling.

'Bye, Rashid. I love you.'

'And, Mr Nasir, thank you so much.'

Dad, look at this. It's a support Palestine rally

that Uzma's stepdad is talking at next week.

I thought we should go, show willing.

Is the bloke with the hook going to be there? I'm frightened of him.

Dad, it's a just cause, one we all believe in.

Of course, yeah. I'll definitely be there.

Oh, I forgot to show you something.

(GARY PAGE SINGS)

-Hey?

-I've never seen this.

-It's your favourite.

-Gary Page.

So what happened to him anyway?

Oh, I dunno. He died or disappeared about ten years ago.

'Stop, stop, you fuckin' idiots!'

'You morons!'

'I always go to sleep at midnight, so I fuckin' close my eyes.'

'Fuck off, you fuckin' Paki!'

Oh, God. Dad, I'm sorry. I hadn't watched it that far.

(CROWD BOOS)

I always knew he was a psycho.

-OK, so...

-Yeah, sure, sure.

Thank you.

OK.

-What are you doing?

-Nothing.

I just was...wondering if I should order a new suit for the wedding.

What shall I buy? I don't know.

-Where were you last night?

-Er, I stayed at my mother's house again.

Yeah, just thinking. Praying.

Stuff.

Right.

-Any driver at all, Cricklewood?

-I've got some blokes with a van.

You know, you said to move some boxes from your mum's.

-Oh, yeah. Thank you, Sharif.

-It's OK.

-Sharif?

-Yeah.

-We're all friends, aren't we?

-Yeah.

-We can tell each other anything?

-I hope so.

That's good to know.

That David Schwimmer, he's... Jewish, is he?

-He's got enough money to be, boss.

-That's it, Wasif, right.

Rich Jewish...wankers.

-They're all Jews on American TV.

-On TV? The whole country's run by Jews.

-It's basically the United States of Israel.

-Exactly, yeah.

Yeah. Bloody Jews.

Don't know about all that. People of the Book, aren't they?

People of the chequebook more like.

-(LAUGHTER)

-That's funny.

That's a good one. People of the chequebook. (LAUGHS)

-That's...

-Mahmud.

-Yeah.

You all right?

Yeah, it's just... It was a good one, yeah.

Anyway, er, very good, keep up the good work.

Jew scum!

(RADIO ON)

Just here on the left. I've had the council reserve this space.

'..Yusuf Islam.'

(DOORBELL / TV ON)

(DOORBELL)

(DOORBELL)

-You got a fuckin'...

-(US ACCENT) I shouldn't have rubbed that lamp.

-You American?

-Nah, I'm a cockney sparra.

-Move your cab.

-Beg your pardon? Where's the famed Islamic politeness?

You saw the space was marked. Move your fuckin' cab!

Look, I've lived here for 15 years. I'll park where I want!

-Just move it further up the road!

-I like that space. I always park there.

Oh, yeah. It's a bit like the Occupied Territories.

-Oh...

-That's what's going on here.

-Here it comes! The anti-Semitism!

-I'm not anti-Semitic.

-No? What else you want to call me?

-Hymie? Kike? Bagel breath?

-Bollocks.

-Four by two? Neo-con?

No, no. I'm not being anti-Semitic. I can't be.

-Yeah? Why not?

-Because I'm a fuckin' Jew!

(WHISPERS) I'm a Jew.

Shit. Don't you dare tell anyone.

-I'm the shoe bomber. Pleasure to meet you.

-No, listen.

I just found out I'm adopted. By Muslims.

My real parents were Jews.

(LAUGHS)

-Is that funny?

-Why should I believe you?

-Why the fuck should I make it up?

-Well, that's a point.

-Yeah.

No point asking you to drop your pants because...

-Circumcised? We all are. Are you?

-Yeah, yeah.

-I know. Word association.

-What are you talking about?

-Come on!

-What for?

-Car.

-Volvo.

-Right on.

Er, happy.

-Ish.

-Two out of three.

Crystal.

-Nacht.

-Wow. Even I would have said "Palace".

-So, I don't know why...

-Listen to me.

-My real name, my "birth" name...

-Please don't do that.

..is Solly Shimshillewitz.

-Solly Shimshillewitz.

-Now do you believe me?

Why didn't they just call you Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew and be done with it?

It was nice talking to you. Fine.

It's almost as Jewy a name as Izzy Shimshillewitz.

-What?

-Izzy Shimshillewitz. Used to live round here years ago.

There's an Izzy Shimshillewitz? Where is he? Is he still alive?

Fuck knows.

-Where are you going?

-To move my cab.

-What, cos you just found out...

-Welcome to the worldwide conspiracy.

-Would you like a chip?

-Got one.

(BOOING)

(DOORBELL)

-Yes?

-I called earlier about Izzy Shimshillewitz.

You the guy that phoned five other Jewish old-age homes?

Er, yeah. How did you know?

Cos we Jewish old-age homes share info for security purposes.

We're very tight on that stuff, us Jewish old-age homes.

Very tight.

-Dad?

-Urgh. I don't think so.

-Firstly, you appear to be Muslim.

-I'm sorry.

And secondly, I'm perhaps five years younger than you.

-Yes, you're right. I'm sorry.

-Yes.

Is Izzy Shimshillewitz in there?

Yes.

-Can I go in, please?

-I'm afraid not.

You don't understand. I'm his son, I think.

Do you have some sort of syndrome?

No, no. My real parents are Jews. I was adopted.

I just found out my birth name is Shimshillewitz.

-Really? What, and you're definitely Isaac's son, are you?

-Yes, yes.

I mean, I must be.

I'm sorry, but as Mr Shimshillewitz's rabbi,

I have to think of his welfare first. He's a sick man.

-Then you have to let me in.

-Look at you. A Muslim son?

He's an observant Jew. It would kill him stone dead.

-(SIGHS) What do I do?

-What do you know about Jews?

They've got big noses.

They like money.

They do... Support Spurs.

OK, so the answer is nothing.

What you need to do, and quickly,

is think about what it means to be a Jew.

And then...we'll think about letting you in.

By the way, when you thought I was your dad, like a shrivelled old man,

was it because of the hairless thing, because that is genetic?

Right.

Dodi! You've come back from the dead.

Can I come in, please?

(KETTLE WHISTLES)

(PLAYS JARRING TUNE)

-Two sugars.

-Thank you.

Look, um...

I don't know your name.

Leonard. Leonard Goldberg. Lenny to my very few friends.

-Chaser?

-No, I don't drink.

-Of course.

Me, I've recently developed a taste for it.

So, er, Jews...

Yeah.

Tell me about them.

(LAUGHS)

OK. Er, well, let's see. Where shall we start?

I know. Let's start with me.

The archetype, the American Jew.

As American as knish and Seinfeld and slavish support for Israel.

Like my fellow countrymen,

I didn't think there were any other Jews in the whole fuckin' world.

Especially not Britain.

Britain. Land of hope and pork. A Jew in Britain? (LAUGHS)

That's just weird. That's like an American driving a hackney carriage.

(COCKNEY) A Yank wiv the knowledge? What's the bloody world comin' to?

No. In London alone you've got your Hampstead liberal intellectual Jew,

you've got your Pinner secular accountant Jew,

you've got your Hendon orthodox lawyer Jew,

and, scum of kosher scum, your Essex Jews,

of which heritage my recently ex-wife,

who, by the way, in case you were wondering,

is the reason why I came to this fuckin' country

and why I know so much about its Jews.

-Knish?

-A doughy kosher deep-fried dumpling.

Then you've got your Israeli Jews. Jews without angst, without guilt.

So really not Jews at all.

Then of course your Jews for Jesus. (PHONE RINGS)

What in fuck is that all about?

Y'ello?

Yeah, yeah. Adam. No, no, I'm gonna pick...

What? Why? Ah, Christ, why? Adam...

You know what, fuck off, you little shit.

-Right, I guess I've got...

-Useless flaky son.

I was supposed to go to a bar mitzvah with him on Saturday.

Now I got nobody to go with.

It's just... I hate going to those things alone.

All those Jews, Jewing it up in public, you know.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What, you? You?

Hm.

(LAUGHS) Go to a bar mitzvah with you?

Osama bin Leiner? Olly Bungo? Captain Muslim?

Come on, I can blend in. You know.

-Call that a shrug?

-It's a shrug.

-That's not a shrug.

-It's blending in.

Look, you wanna be a Jew, palms up, shoulders, then the sad doggy eyes.

(WOMAN MOANS)

(TRADITIONAL JEWISH KLEZMER MUSIC)

Oy...

Oy...

Oy...

-Oy.

-Oy.

-Oy...

-Oy.

-Oy.

-Oy.

Oy.

(# "HATIKVAH" MUSIC)

Doesn't it just make you want to put your possessions in a wooden cart

and pull them sadly and slowly away from your burning village?

Oy.

Oych...

That's it.

Yes!

Fuckin' get in there!

Come on!

Great. Now let's move onto "vey".

Mahmud?

(DOOR OPENS)

-Can you call Rashid? It's -

-Hey, how you doing?

-Hi, you look smart.

-Thanks. I'm going out later.

-OK.

Yes, a work's do. It's Sharif's 60th.

Right.

Hey, you look...

What? Fatter? Bigger? Motti? More rounded? Fat, fat?

No, you look great. I was going to say, you look great.

(LAUGHS)

Anyway, Rashid is going on this rally at Al-Masra is speaking at.

Oh, shit. I promised him I'd go.

Mahmud, look, we haven't even talked about how this, this...

terrifying shithead is going to become part of our family.

Er, Saamiya, he comes around, OK,

we meet him, he gives his blessing,

and we sort it out for Rashid and Uzma, that's it.

Besides, this Arshad guy, come on. How meshuggine can he be?

Sorry?

How many sugars sort of a very sweet cup of tea can he be?

You know, Mahmud, I never thought I would end up with a guy

who thinks he looks good in a Tottenham Hotspur shirt

and pair of chuddees,

who teaches our four-year-old daughter extremist language

and rather than get up from the TV urinates in a cup.

That only happened the once.

My World's Best Mum cup that Rashid gave me when he was ten.

I forgot to clean it.

But none of that matters,

because the only thing that matters between husband and wife is honesty.

And you've always promised to be honest to me.

I've always believed that promise.

Should I?

Of course.

Of course.

(GARY PAGE) # I saw you walking with your new love

# My mind's as blank as a loaded gun

# So was it the truth when you said it was true love?

# I thought that I was the chosen one

# Cos it's not so

# You told me

# And let me tell you you said so

# You told me... #

-Hey, Dad, you made it.

-Yeah, wouldn't miss this.

What time is Al-Masri here?

There's a rumour going around that he's been banned by the organisers.

-(CHANTING)

-Some people aren't happy about it.

I can see that. It's hot, though, innit?

Yeah.

Dad... What is that on your head?

I've brought this for one reason.

And one reason alone.

(CHANTING)

Burn it, burn it, burn it!

Down with Zionism!

OK, last run through of things not to mention -

Hitler, Protocols of the Elders of Zion, the fact that you're Muslim.

Well, what about prayers?

There may be one or two but when in doubt, just do this.

Baruch Hashem...

That's it? Baruch Hashem?

OK.

-You memorise some Yiddish?

-Just a few.

Just sprinkle in a few words, you'll be OK.

Schlep, kvetch, traipse.

-Traipse? That's an English word.

-It is? Sounds Yiddish.

Ah, hello!

-It's so nice to meet you. How are you?

-Monty.

-How are you?

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

our bar mitzvah boys, Sammy and Louis.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

-Mazel tov!

-(SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE)

OK. What kind of Jew is that? A smelly one?

Hippy Jew. Bohemian parents. Now a Buddhist.

A Buddhist Jew? How does that work?

Believes you should renounce all possessions but keep the receipts.

Ooh! Look at that.

I'd like to offer her some serious kosher sausage.

What kind of Jew is that?

That is my ex-wife.

I'm sorry.

With her wanking boyfriend, Maurice Gross.

-Maurice Gross.

-Psychic investigator from High Barnet.

-Julie, Denise.

-Oh, Lenny.

-So sorry to hear about you and Diane.

-Yeah.

Now she's with Maurice Gross. Who'd have guessed?

I suppose he would.

Well, being a psychic investigator.

-It's a wisecrack.

-Oh.

-I thought you people...

We're well known for wisecracking, us people.

Ladies, this is my cousin, Solomon.

-Solomon Shimshillewitz.

-Please call me Solly.

-How do you do?

-How do you do?

Hello.

Lovely event, don't you think, Solly?

Yes, it's very...very gschmack.

Er, er, actually, it's very traipse, I'd say.

-It's very Jewish.

-You're right. It is very Jewish.

Ooh, I'm sure Lenny must have told you that Denise and I are co-chair -

-Co-chair.

-..of the North London Ladies Eretz Yisrael Guild.

-Eretz...

-Yisrael.

-I know it.

-So we wondered if you might sign our latest petition.

-I'd be delighted.

We, the undersigned, believe that the state of Israel...

..is unfairly demonised by BBC, ITV Channel 4 and all other forms...

..of the UK news media, despite being...

..a shining example of democracy and fairness, which wants to live...

-..in peace...

-..in peace with its neighbours.

Thanks, Lenny.

If you wouldn't mind.

-Just-Just here...

-Just there, please.

-Thank you.

-I have a twitch! Ow! Ow, that really hurt!

-Are you all right?

Ladies and gentlemen, before we eat, Rabbi Feinstein will say grace.

(RABBI CHANTS PRAYER)

(ALL) Amen.

(MUTTERS HEBREW-LIKE WORDS)

(CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUTTERED CONVERSATION)

Sorry to interrupt. I think we should go. This is too Jewish.

Ladies and gentlemen...

That's nice.

Today our blessed bar mitzvah twins, Sammy and Louis, become men.

Yeah, it's good to be a Jewish man now.

But don't come crying to me in 30 years when your prostrate blows up

and your wife runs off with a psychic investigator from High Barnet.

-What?

-Speech.

-Sorry, Monty.

Anyway, boys, seeing as your father here is to public speaking as...

Stephen Hawking is to windsurfing,

he has asked schmuggins here to take on the bar mitzvah task

of telling a classic Jewish funny story.

Sadly, though, I've become a bit "tired and emotional" this evening,

so... I'm also very drunk.

So I've decided to pass the baton, to give the task to my good friend

and classic Jewish storyteller.

Ladies and gentlemen, Solly Shimshillewitz.

(APPLAUSE)

Er...

Hello.

-Y'all...

-(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK WHINES)

How about the story about Rabbi Akiba and Fishl, the village idiot?

Yeah, how about that? That's a good idea. Let's...

So, there was a tale of Rabbi...

-Akiba.

-..Akiba, who lived in...

(MAKES GUTTURAL NOISE)

..and he always observed his... (MAKES GUTTURAL NOISES)

Er... Then in the syn...

No, I know this one. The shul.

-Shul.

-I said it. The shul.

-Shul.

-The shuuul.

In the shul came Fishl, the village idiot.

What an idiot he was. He went up to the rabbi,

he said, "Rabbi, rabbi, er..."

"My foreskin has grown back."

-Um, he did, he said that.

-No, he didn't.

-He did.

And the rabbi looked at him and said, "You what?"

And Fishl said, "It's true. What do I do about this foreskin?"

And... it was at that point... Can you help me with this one?

-Yes, I can.

-Finish it off.

Rabbi Akiba says, "Moses said that

"when the light of the world is shining

-"we must turn our faces to the sky."

-That's it, yeah.

And Joshua said, "When the light of the world is dim,

-"we must turn our faces to the ground."

-Ground...

"But I say, Rabbi Akiba says..."

-Yeah, what did he say?

-"Rabbi Akiba says..."

-Er, Rabbi Akiba looked at Fishl.

-And says...

(YIDDISH-LIKE WORDS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

-What was that?

-Fuck knows.

(TRADITIONAL MUSIC STARTS)

-(BRAKES SQUEAL)

-Jesus.

See, as long as I'm in a cab, sober as a judge.

That was good to know. I didn't expect it. Thanks, Lenny.

Mahmud, this Jew thing, what's so important?

-Izzy Shimshillewitz.

-What, he's still alive?

Yeah, I think so. I can't be sure. They won't let me see him.

-What do you mean? They who?

-The rabbi at the care home.

He says I've got to get a bit more Jewy.

-Did he?

-Yeah.

-When are you gonna see him next?

-Soon as possible. Tomorrow.

You know what, I'm gonna go with you.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I'm not gonna let your family emotional moment

get held back by some asshole frummer.

I think that's really good if you come.

-I'm gonna go.

-You will be tactful?

-Yeah.

Because this is a big thing for me. My dad...

My adopted one, when he died...

It really cut me up.

You know, and now I've got this other dad here and it's too much.

Look, finding out you're Jewish

doesn't mean that every moment is a therapeutic opportunity.

Shalom Aleichem, Mahmud.

Walaikum Assalam, Lenny.

-Hey.

-Hey. Good night, Rash.

Good night.

Dad, that was a bit weird today, wasn't it, at the rally?

Weird. Yeah, it was. I was just trying, you know,

to show support for the big stepfather guy.

Yeah, but I think when he comes to see us,

you could tone it down a touch maybe.

Just a touch. (LAUGHS)

Good. Right. Relax. It's OK.

Good night.

I spoke to Sharif tonight. He isn't 60 until June.

Saamiya...

D'you remember when we got married?

When you promised to love me and honour me with faith and obedience

and gentleness?

Yes, of course.

-Who is it?

-Ow!

-It it someone from work?

-Work? They're all men.

-That pram-face tart from Tesco's?

Blimey. You noticed that? I was just looking.

Hm...

Anyway, you know, I can have four wives.

That's why you've been running to the mosque all this time, huh?

-Get out!

-I knew I should have never married a Shia!

That hurts. Will you calm down?

-I want to tell you something.

-It's not...

-What?

-You're not...?

Mahmud, I spoke to the imam because I was worried about you

and he said you told him this thing about yourself

and I laughed, because you can't be.

-Gay.

-Oh, no.

I've seen this on the internet, men like you.

They're called bears, big, fat, hairy men -

I'm not gay, all right? I'm not gay. He got the wrong end of the stick.

Listen to me. The truth is...

-The truth is...

-Hm?

I'm...

frightened.

-Frightened?

-Of meeting Arshad Al-Masri.

At least, I was frightened

till I started going to religious education classes.

-Really?

-Yeah. Night classes at the mosque. Yeah.

Jaanu, that's so sweet.

You're not ashamed of me, then?

Ashamed?

-I'm proud of you.

-Oh...

Hey, come here...

..and show me how un-gay you really are.

You big, heterosexual bear.

Hello. How is he?

Stable, but no better. That's why I'm here 24/7 at the moment.

(SNIGGERS)

Sorry. I just thought you said 24/7. That's kinda weird for a rabbi to say

This is my friend Leonard Goldberg. He's been... Yeah.

-I remember setting you a little test.

-Yeah, Lenny's been helping me.

-Has he?

-Yeah.

Been doing my teacher thing, you know, for my Yid-Muslo homey.

-Say your Shema.

-I beg your pardon?

The Shema. The Lord's Prayer.

Oh, don't tell me he hasn't taught...

Er, well, name the five books of Moses.

I can do this. (CLEARS THROAT) Genesis.

-Er, in Hebrew.

-In Hebrew?

Gen'hech-sis.

What's Hebrew for Phil Collins?

Ex'hodus.

OK, I've had quite enough...

-(MUTTERS)

-Whoa, listen, right.

My friend has drunk my chicken soup,

he's danced like a Cossack in my living room,

he told a funny story at a bar mitzvah

and, by, the way, he got a big laugh.

I'm a Jew and my friend here is Jewish enough for me.

-Find a better teacher.

-Where am I gonna I find one? Craigslist?

Look, Rabbi, I haven't even told my wife and family about this.

Perhaps you should. Now, I've got a dying man's soul...

-Whoa, whoa, you sanctimonious rabbinical cue ball.

-Please...

-So it's about my alopecia now?

-(ALL TALK AT ONCE)

You're disturbing the residents. You're frightening them.

Hi.

-Hi?

-Sorry.

(MUSIC) # I'm a bow-legged chicken, I'm a knock-kneed hen

# Never been so happy since I don't know when... #

You don't want to listen to what that oversized toddler punk rabbi says.

I'm a little bit racist towards Muslims but this asshole,

if you have an ounce of Allah inside you,

he will never let you near your dad.

I-I should tell people. I should tell everyone I was born a Jew.

That would be a very un-Jewish thing to do.

We don't like to call attention to ourselves.

We're proud but we're proud quietly.

-Er, what about Israelis?

-I told you, they're not really Jews.

They're not exactly quiet about themselves, are they?

What with all the warmongering and the colonial rampaging,

and, the, ooh, "If you throw a pebble at us,

"we'll raze your hospitals to the ground" foreign policy."

Unlike the very quiet way

in which Palestinians strap bombs to themselves and blow up school buses?

You know full well that

there are loads more Palestinians killed by the Israeli army

than the other way round!

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

What exactly is your problem, fat boy?

Who are you to tell me about Jews?!

Don't look... If you'd been a better teacher,

I'd have been at my father's deathbed!

What exactly are you saying? It's my fault?

-Yes!

-Ah!

You self-hating mentalist!

-Get out of my cab.

-You what?

-You heard me. Get out of my cab.

-Americans shouldn't be driving a black cab anyway!

-Asshole.

-I'm gonna tell my family, I am.

-I don't give a fuck what you do.

-Anti-Semite!

-Islamophobe!

Suck my fat one!

# Flap your elbows just for luck

# Then you wiggle and you waddle like a baby duck

# So dance with me, honey, tap your toes and glide

# And we'll always be together side by side

# Walk with a wiggle and a giggle and a squawk

# Doing the Tennessee wig walk. #

Rashid, Saamiya, can you come down please?

There's something I've got to tell you.

Daddy, the funny men have come to see if we're Muslim enough.

Mahmud, come and meet our guests.

This is Mr Al-Masri.

Please call me Arshad Uncle.

Yes, yes, as-salamu alaikum, Arshad Uncle...

Wa alaikum assalam. Please.

My friends.

This is Tariq.

And this is Hazeem.

It's very...

Oh. It's...

Um, welcome, everyone.

You're very welcome. You're very welcome to...my home.

So, what did you have to tell us?

-Who?

-You came in saying that you have something to tell us.

Yeah, I was just gonna... tell everyone that I'm...

(SIGHS) I'm a...

# Bow-legged chicken, I'm a knock-kneed hen

# Never been so happy since I don't know when

# Walk with a wiggle and a squiggle and a squawk, kwa!

# Doing the Tennessee wig walk. #

Just something in my head on the way here. I thought Nabi would like it.

I do. Is it the theme song of the world-wide Islamic caliphate?

Very good. (CHUCKLES)

So, let us sit. Friends and family need not stand on ceremony.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

-Uzma, where is your mum?

-Oh, she's just in the...

-As-salamu alaikum, Kashima.

-Mahmud.

So, let us talk about Rashid.

Yes, he's a... He's a good boy, I think.

Though, um... (CLEARS THROAT)

As the Holy Quran says...

It...

Children are our only trial.

Not quite. "Your wealth and your children are only a trial

"whereas Allah, with Him is a great reward."

At-Taghaabun, Ayah 15.

Of course. Right, yeah.

Come, I do not expect everyone to know every Hadith by heart.

-(LAUGHTER)

-I don't even know Humpty Dumpty by heart.

All I need to be happy and content is to know I am among Muslims.

Of course.

And on that note, because of course we are here in the hope of sealing

the happy event which may join our two families forever,

you will forgive me the need of... some enquiry.

Brother Arshad can trace his lineage

back to Ibrahim ibn Walid ibn Abdallah,

Imam of Medina

of the eighth century.

I have to be careful in my position.

You'll have seen the television cameras outside.

They have been chasing me since my arrival in Britain.

I must be on guard to preserve the dignity of the Al-Masri name.

Yeah, absolutely. Yes, yes.

For example, a small internet search reveals that you once wrote a letter

to the local paper calling on Muslims to be more "moderate".

Listen, that whole Shia-shite thing misprint, I got upset about that.

Moderation is of course a good thing...

in moderation.

(LAUGHS / ALL JOIN IN)

But... this Western idea of the moderate Muslim...

..that idea I completely reject!

But then, I saw how you had changed.

-How do you mean?

-Tariq.

(CHANTING)

-What are you doing there, Daddy?

-Yes, Nabi. Good question.

This...

-We've put the film on our website.

-You have?

43,000 hits and counting, insha'Allah.

Insha'Allah.

What Mahmud is doing, Nabi,

is demonstrating that even a liberal moderate Muslim

can only be stretched so far.

Am I right, Mahmud?

Absolutely.

So, Uzma and Rashid,

I give their match my blessing.

Let us celebrate. Please, sing for us, brother Arshad.

-No, no.

-Brother Arshad has a beautiful singing voice.

-Oh?

-Oh?

-Not really.

-Please, Arshad sahab, we would all love to hear you sing.

Er...

Well, just...a little...nasheed

that my mother taught me.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SINGS)

(DOORBELL)

Um, I'll go and get that.

I'm sorry. That was really nice. I was really enjoying that.

-(CROWD SHOUTS) Anti-Semites!

-Mr Nasir?

You are under arrest on suspicion of having performed actions

in contravention to the Racial and Religious Hatred Act of 2006.

(SIGHS)

How dare you gatecrash my twins' big day?

What were you planning to do? Anthrax in the smoked salmon sushi?

-Come along now, Mr Nasir.

-Yes, yes, sorry.

What is this man guilty of exactly? (CROWD SHOUTS)

When the Jewish-controlled Western media

produces offensive Islamophobic blasphemies!

Should a Muslim speak out about the treatment of his brothers

by the Zionist oppressors?

-He wasn't speaking out...

-(CROWD SHOUTS)

What happened to your precious freedom of expression,

you hypocrites?!

Whatever. Burning a Jew's hat does constitute religious hatred.

Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence against you.

-Anything?

-Yes, sir. Anything.

(CROWD SHOUTS) Mahmud! Mahmud!

(ALL GROWS SILENT)

(WIND RISES)

I'm...

Jewish!

-What?

-What?

I'm sorry. What's that, sir?

I'm Jewish.

I was born a Jew.

I just found out.

I was adopted...by Muslims.

Uzma!

-Well, I suppose that's all right, sir.

-Well, is it?

It's like that Jackie Mason fella.

He can take the piss out of Jews cos he's a Jew. Wouldn't arrest him.

-This is clearly nonsense. He doesn't even look Jewish.

-Yes, he does.

-What? He's basically a schwarzer.

-(GASPS)

-Dad...

-It's true. I'm sorry.

-No, no, please. Come on.

-(ALL SHOUT)

Uzma!

The rest of you, could you all kindly fuck off my premises?!

What d'you mean? How was I inciting racial hatred?

Schwarzer. I heard you say it.

How do you even know what it means?

-Rash.

-No.

Rashid...

(PICTURE BREAKS)

At least I'm not a Shia.

Nabi, what's happening at school today?

Infidel.

For crying out loud.

'I'm Jewish!'

'I was born a Jew.' Oh, Jesus, Moses and Allah.

'I was adopted.'

'Astonishing scenes there. What do we make of them?'

'Matthew, I think that this guy is multiculturalism made flesh.'

'He's a hero for our times.'

'Somebody that we have to use as a way... This is how we go forward.'

'We need to look at people like this

'and say, "Yes, you're proud and I'm proud of what you are."'

'"You might look a certain way..."'

(SAME TV PROGRAMME ON)

-Hey, guys.

-Mahmud.

-'This is where we're being naive.'

-(TV OFF)

-How's it going?

-Yeah, good.

-Looking after yourself?

All right.

-Where's Wasif?

-Um...

Handed in his notice.

Is there anyone else who can do his job?

You need someone who really knows the roads.

Right, well, I...

I might just...

work from home today, shall I?

Yeah. Good idea.

I'll go and make some calls.

Some...

This...

Mahmud...

Things will work out.

Insha'Allah.

-What are you doing?

-I'm going to stay with Muna.

-No, no. Just stay.

-Let go.

-How long are you staying?

-I don't know.

-Because I'm a Jew?

-No, Mahmud, because you lied to me.

Something you promised you would never do.

-Daddy!

-Hey, my baby girl.

Hey.

-Daddy?

-Yes.

-What is a Jew?

You know that nasty man on The Apprentice with the beard?

-(CAR HORN BEEPS)

-Get in the car!

Why did a naughty man put dog poo through our door because you are one?

-(CAR HORN BEEPS)

-Hurry up!

Who did that?

I'll kill him.

-Fuckin' kill him.

-Forget it. It doesn't matter what morons think.

-(CAR HORN BEEPS)

-Rashid, hurry up!

-I loved her, Dad. I love her.

-(CAR HORN BEEPS)

-Rashid!

-I know, son. I can explain.

You don't understand. My dad, my real dad...

To get to him, I've got to try and prove...

Where's my dad? Where's my real dad?

(CAR DRIVES AWAY)

(SIGHS)

Enough already!

-Get away, man.

-Have another kebab, you bastard.

(SNIFFS)

(HORN BEEPS)

Fuck off!

Come on, my friend. Here we go.

There. Got ya.

-Leytonstone, huh?

-Golders Green.

-Golders Green?

-Yeah.

-All right.

-I want to see Izzy Shimshillewitz.

-You can't.

-Why not?

-For one thing, it's not visiting hours.

And for another...

I've done it, OK? I've told the world.

Whoo-hoo! I'm a fat old Jew.

You've had your pound of flesh. Huh?

Have I jumped through enough Jew hoops?

Have I ruined my Muslim life enough for you?!

You can't stop, not this prayer. He's not allowed to.

It's a Jewish law.

Oh, really? Then I can go in here whenever I fuckin' like, eh?

Look, I'm in. I'm out. I'm in, I'm out!

Mahmud...

I'm really sorry. But it's a prayer for the dead.

I am so sorry. He died a couple of hours ago.

He got your letter, though, and the package.

I didn't send anything.

Perhaps you'd like to go and sit in his room for a bit.

I know for some of our recently bereaved relatives, that can help.

Thank you.

-(THUMP)

-Fuck!

(CRASH)

(MUSIC BOX TINKLES)

(MUSIC BOX STOPS)

(SIGHS)

-(VIDEO CLICKS ON)

-'I'm Jewish!'

'I was born a Jew.'

'I was adopted...by Muslims.'

(BIRD TWEETS)

Mahmud, I'm sorry, man.

If I wasn't such a schmuck to that rabbi, if I...

Forget it.

Besides...

This gives you a big licence to schmuck.

You could have used a different tape.

I wanted him to get it into the VCR right away.

-Did you wipe the porn off?

-Fuck, no. I wanted him to die happy.

Look what he wrote on it.

He remembered it, then? Your name.

Well, that's... That's something.

(SIGHS)

My life's still shite, though, innit?

My family's left me, my work mates hate me.

My son loves this girl that he can't marry cos I'm a big Jewish twat.

Why can't they just get married anyway?

Who cares what this Taliban moron says?

Cos however modern Uzma is, however many Facebook friends she gets,

however many Brazilians she... you know...

..she would just never, ever shame her family.

That's what it's like being a fuckin' Paki.

-A minute ago you were a big Jewish twat.

-I know, I know.

(TRADITIONAL JEWISH SONG)

'Tonight on a Channel 100 special, we ask the question,

'Islamic clerics, such as Arshad Al-Masri,

'are they working for the good of their community

'or are they dangerous fanatics

'driven by a desire to destroy our way our life?'

Hey.

So... What are you doing?

I'm running.

You, er... You going to Al-Masri's lecture?

Isn't Uzma going to be there?

Do you know how she's doing?

Well, she's obviously really happy that because her mum

is now too frightened to leave Mohammed Al-fuckin'-Stalin,

she will have to go with them to Wazaristan

where the women of her age legally have to wear a muzzle

if they've still got a clitoris.

OK, listen. I'm going to this event, OK?

I'm going to stand up, I'm going to take Arshad on.

-What?

-Yeah. I've done some reading.

I've read the Quran, the Old Testament...

Are you mental? He knows this stuff backwards.

Do you want to make a complete twat of yourself

in front of the whole community again?

Yeah, but, son, it's not exactly the whole community, is it?

Oh, it is. Since your little moment on TV

it's not just the Wahhabi nutters who want to see Arshad, no.

-Everyone is interested.

-Oh.

Dad, please, open your eyes.

Son, son...

(SIGHS)

(WIND RISES)

My eyes.

It'll be starting about now, the lecture.

Mum, forget it.

-You know, Muna's gone.

-Well, that's up to her.

-But, Rashid...

-Mum, we're not going.

Remember what he's done?

"Look not what the man has done but what he hopes to do."

-Who taught you that, Nabi?

-Daddy.

(ARSHAD) That means refusing, speaking out against,

even tearing down those aspects of Western culture

which disgust and dismay the true believer, so be it.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you. Thank you very much, my brothers and sisters, of course.

Now, any questions?

Yes?

Brother Arshad, how can we support your cause?

Well, by listening and acting on my words.

But also, if you wish, there are donations that can be made.

Details are available at the door.

Yes, brother?

Tell us also, brother, how come you are so remarkably good...

-I'm gonna go.

-Wait, wait.

-..at explaining Allah's true...

-Have you seen Uzma?

-Look up there.

Very kind of you to say, brother. I have the advantage of coming from

a long and eminent line of great Islamic preachers,

but who knows if I do them justice?

Thank you very much. So if there are no further questions...

Yes, holy sister?

(HIGH-PITCHED) Question for brother Arshad.

Is it possible that you being such a fantastic speaker,

there's something you've forgotten? Which is...

(CROWD MUTTERS)

(UPROAR)

(MUNA) You've stretched it now, you big knobhead.

Let me ask you this.

Why won't you let my son marry your stepdaughter?

Well, well, if it isn't "Mahmud Nasir".

-(LAUGHTER)

-Answer the question.

What is he doing?

The Holy Quran, Al-Baqarah, Ayah 221.

"Do not marry your girls to unbelievers."

(APPLAUSE)