A Bunch of Amateurs

This film contains some strong language

That was one hell of a bang.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Ugh! That is so gross.

-Ew! He's so old.

-I know.

-She could be, like, his granddaughter.

-That sucked.

Oh, my God! I don't believe it, you're...

..Sean Connery!

Oh, my God! Hi, Sean.

-Oh, Sean Connery!

-Thank you.

SAT NAV: 'Please make a right turn.'

-'Make a right turn.'

-I heard you the first time.

'You are now leaving Beverly Hills.'

'Are you sure you want to be in this neighbourhood?'

HE LAUGHS

'You have arrived at your destination.'

-Pride And Prejudice.

-HE GROANS

I remember hearing you once say, Mr Darcy,

that you hardly ever forgave,

and that your resentment, once created, was kind of unappeasable.

I guess you're very cautious to its being created...

..and shit.

My daughter Amanda put my name on the VIP list.

We don't believe in VIP lists.

Do you know who I am?

-Do any of us really know who we are?

-Just give me a ticket.

Like, wow.

And you never, like, allow yourself to be blinded by prejudice?

-I hope not.

-Cool.

May I ask to what these questions tend?

MAN: Isn't that Jefferson Steel? WOMAN: I thought he was dead.

I do not get you at all, man.

I hear such different account of you that it's freaking me out.

Exceedingly.

Mr Steel?

I don't want you to think I'm the kind of desperate actor who goes around giving people his resume,

but here's my resume.

Hey, Dad.

So, what did you think?

CONVERSATIONS STOP

I loved it.

-Really?

-Really.

So, you really liked it?

-I hated it.

-What?

I think the director is a pretentious, talentless pervert.

Oh, that's just great.

My first time doing a classic, playing the lead,

and you're objecting to a small amount of justifiable nudity?

Justifiable?

-Forget it.

-I don't get it.

I've given you everything I know how to give you

and you've thrown it right back in my face.

I don't want your contacts, I don't want a fancy car,

I don't want a house in Beverly Hills,

and when I want some career advice, I'll ask someone who's got a career.

-YOUNG GIRL:

-'I'm ready for my close-up.

'Where is it, Dad?

'You never know what there could be in the desert.

'Poisonous spiders, caterpillars...

'Hi, Dad. Gotcha! Mwah!'

HE CHUCKLES

PHONE RINGS

ANSWER PHONE: 'Hi, this is Amanda Blacke.

'I can't take your call right now, so please leave a message.

'Unless you're my father, in which case, forget it.'

-BLEEP

-That's very funny. Notice that I'm not laughing.

'Now, who the hell is Amanda Blacke? You're Amanda Steel.

'This is your father, call me some time.'

Ring, damn you!

PHONE RINGS

-Charlie Rosenberg.

-'Charlie?'

Jefferson.

Can I call you back? I'm in a meeting.

'No, you're not, Charlie.'

Really, now is not a good... Sorry, Mr Rosenberg.

Hey, Jefferson! Ultimate Finality 4, what a movie!

One of the worst films I ever made in my life.

The motorcycle was cool.

And since then, Charlie, nothing.

Where are the offers, Charlie?

That's the problem with being a major star.

There just aren't enough projects big enough for Jefferson Steel.

You mean if I was less of a star, I could get a job?

-Exactly.

-You're full of shit.

Yes, I am.

Charlie, if you don't get me a decent part, I'm out of here.

Are you threatening me?

-Isn't it obvious?

-Of course.

Are you saying I can't do threatening?

Nadine? Nadine, back me up here.

Tell Jefferson how good he is at threatening.

Oh, you're terrifically threatening. In fact, you're almost scary.

You've got 24 hours to get me a job or I'm going to fire your sorry ass.

-Very good. Very, very good.

-It's really very good.

This is hopeless. Who am I kidding? Jefferson's going to fire me.

My wife's going to divorce me, she'll take the house,

she'll get the dogs, she'll get the kids...

-Silver lining, huh?

-It's not going to happen, Charlie.

Your wife already divorced you, and your kids have kids.

Nadine.

This is it.

This is it.

-Shakespeare?

-Yeah.

A benefit to save a community theatre in England? In the sticks?

Yeah!

It's not even professional. Jefferson will never go for this.

Sure he will, he's desperate.

And besides, he'll be 6,000 miles away before he figures it out.

-This better be good, Charlie.

-It's the best part there is, ever.

What is it?

King Lear.

-By Shakespeare?

-That's the one.

And guess where it is.

-Now, how in the hell should I know, Charlie?

-England.

It's your chance to reinvent yourself, get Jefferson Steel back on the map.

-By leaving the country?

-Everyone has done England.

Nicole, Dustin, Gwyneth, Spacey. And here's the kicker...

..none of them have ever done Shakespeare in Stratford.

-It's a no-brainer.

-I don't know, Charlie.

A man in my position, I have to consider all the options.

-We'll be landing in about 40 minutes, OK?

-Great, thanks.

Excuse me. So sorry to bother you, Mr Steel.

No problem, honey. Who shall I sign it to?

The United Kingdom Immigration Department.

It's your landing card.

I knew that.

Guarda! L'attore americano. Si, e lui!

-E Tom Selleck!

-Hey!

Hey, ciao, Tom!

TV: 'We now go live to Heathrow Airport

'for the Jefferson Steel press conference.'

'This is a pretty big departure for your career, Mr Steel.'

'I'm an actor. Theatre is my first love.'

'Mr Steele, what made you say yes to this?'

'Well, I get a lot of scripts sent to me. I think this one stood out.'

-How so?

-The writing showed real promise.

Jefferson, can an American action hero really be King Lear?

To be, or not to be, that is the question.

That's Hamlet.

Jefferson, can you really save the theatre?

I'll give it my best shot.

But you'll be acting with amateurs.

You guys are a bit too hard on yourselves.

Some British actors are pretty damn good.

'Now boarding at Gate 11.'

Mr Steel! How do you do, Mr Steel?

I'm Dorothy Nettle. It's an honour to meet you.

Of course it is. Where's the limo?

It's not exactly a stretch limo, but we can pick up Radio Ipswich.

So, you just sit back and relax. It's about a two-and-a-half-hour drive.

I'm sure I don't have to say it, but everyone's really looking forward to working with you.

There's been a real buzz in the air since your agent told us you were coming.

-As a matter of fact...

-No offence,

but I don't talk to the driver. It's in my contract.

-Nice meeting you, though.

-Right.

Oh!

Welcome to Flint Farm, Mr Steel.

DOG GROWLS Don't mind Monty, he's very friendly.

-DOG BARKS

-That's good, because if he bites me, I'll sue.

Brr!

This is such a privilege, Mr Steel.

I know.

And can I say, you are so much younger than you look in your films.

Not that you look old in them - you look young.

Very young, especially in the old ones.

Is there anything you would like?

A room with a bed, of course. That would be nice.

Of course. Yes, it's just at the top of the stairs.

After you, Mr Steel.

It's just the first door on the right, there.

Oh, I love all your films, especially The Fugitive.

I wasn't in The Fugitive.

-Are you sure?

-Quite sure.

-Ow!

-Mind the beam.

Mmm-hmm.

I've given you the master suite.

Where do I go to...you know, whiz?

Take a pee.

Yes, the facilities are down the corridor and on the right.

We thought you'd prefer somewhere unpretentious.

Well, you were wrong.

He's a real charmer, isn't he?

It's how these stars get into their characters. It's what they call method acting.

You see, King Lear is really grumpy,

whereas if he was playing Romeo, he'd be a real sweetie.

Where is the minibar? Where is the mini...

There is no minibar!

There is no minibar!

-Are you going to be all right, Mary?

-Oh, we'll be fine.

Could I have room service, please? This is Jefferson Steel. Hello? Hello?

RECORDED MESSAGE: 'The number you have dialled has not been recognised.'

Oh!

It's 4:01 and we are not sleeping.

DOG GROWLS

Good doggy.

Eat, enjoy.

Now, where is that bathroom?

BOTH YELP

Oh, why... Oh, Mr Steel, this is a bit sudden.

I was just looking for the... I needed to... I...

-Yes?

-Forget it.

-THUMP

-Ow! Damn it.

COCK CROWS

DOG WHIMPERS

So, how do you think film stars like their fried bread, Monty? Hmm? Hmm?

Not too burnt. You're probably right. Would you like this?

So, what's he like?

Well, he is very handsome.

Good for his age, well preserved.

-You are just jealous.

-Apparently, he's a sexaholic.

I read it in a magazine. He's insatiable. Anything in a skirt.

-Really?

-Mmm.

-THUMP

-Oh! Damn it!

-Morning, Mr Steel.

-Mmm-hmm.

And what can I get you?

I think a suite at the Four Seasons would be nice,

and possibly a new pair of boots.

The full English?

I want a glass of guava juice, egg white frittata with brocollini,

rice, cheese and peppers, and a non-fat latte.

And toast?

-How's King Lear this morning?

-I think he might be missing sex.

-Still grumpy?

-Not as grumpy as when he finds out

I haven't got any guavalini, frittata juice or egg-white lattes.

No, don't tell him.

Good morning, Mr Steel.

-It's you again.

-Dorothy.

Dorothy.

Would you tell your people that I'm just not happy with the accommodations?

Mary, apparently Mr Steel isn't happy with the accommodation.

Well, I'm very sorry, but he's in the best room I've got.

The management is very sorry, Mr Steel,

but apparently you are occupying the best room available.

-HE CHUCKLES

-You are joking, right?

Are you joking, Mary? No, she's not joking.

Oh.

Well, we have to set off, Mr Steel. Rehearsal begins in five minutes.

Tell the car to wait.

-Where's the car?

-Oh, it's only a little walk from here.

We don't walk in LA.

I don't want to be unreasonable, but I do have a few basic requirements.

Of course.

I want a warm, warm trailer...

..with a minibar, satellite TV and a hot tub.

-Is that all?

-No.

I also get a personal trainer and a spiritual healer on call 24/7.

I'll see what I can do. Anything else?

Yes. Can you do something about this...

..weather?

Apparently not.

Where the hell is this place?

-We're here. This is it.

-This is what?

Oh, my God! SHE SQUEALS

You're here, you're really here!

-This is my daughter, Verity.

-I knew he'd come. I told you he'd come.

Darling, you shouldn't be outside without a coat, you'll catch a cold.

Oh, please, Mum. Like, I'm sure Jefferson Steel

is interested in my health problems.

SHE SQUEALS Oh, my God!

-Verity has a lot of allergies and she's prone to...

-She's right. I'm not really interested.

You really are getting into the part, aren't you?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Jefferson Steel.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There is nothing more humbling to an actor

than to receive the approbation of his fellow actors.

May I introduce Frank Dobbins, who is playing the Earl of Gloucester.

Wotcha!

-Janine Jarvis, who is playing Regan.

-Hiya.

Hey.

-Kevin Patel, who is Edmund.

-Respect, man.

Rupert Twisk, who is playing the Duke of Cornwall.

Am I? Oh, brilliant.

-And Edgar.

-Oh, shit.

Verity Nettle is your loving daughter, Cordelia.

Hello, again.

And, of course, Nigel Dewberry, who will be giving us his Earl of Kent.

The privilege is all mine.

-Could I speak to you for just a moment?

-Yes, of course.

I...

I don't recognise any of these people.

I mean, where's Judi Dench? Where's Kenny Branagh?

-Just throw in one of the Redgraves.

-All otherwise engaged, I'm afraid.

-I need to talk to the director.

-You are.

-You're the director?

-Yes, I am.

-I thought you were the driver.

-Well, I'm that too.

She's also playing the fool.

But as director, I'd like to get cracking with the rehearsal, OK?

-This dump isn't the rehearsal hall, is it?

-No, of course not.

Oh, thank God.

This is our theatre.

-Here?

-Well, actually, no.

Down there.

A poor thing, but our own.

What has the Royal Shakespeare Company come to?

The Royal Shakespeare Company?

My agent said I was going to do Lear at Stratford.

-And so you are.

-Yes. We are The Stratford Players.

-Where Shakespeare was born, right?

-Well, no, not... Not exactly.

You see, this is Stratford, it just isn't upon-Avon.

-This is Stratford St John.

-Sinjun.

In Suffolk. We're just a small amateur theatre group.

-HE SHOUTS:

-Charlie!

I'm going to kill Charlie Rosenberg,

and then I'm going to have him revived and then I'm going to kill him again.

I did explain all this in the letter.

The council have cut our funding

and unless we can raise the money, we're going to have to close.

A big name means big sponsorship and big publicity.

You're going to save our theatre.

Sorry to disappoint you, young lady,

but I'm not in the business of doing charity gigs.

But you promised.

It was on the news. You were really inspiring.

"Theatre's in my blood" and all that stuff. It was jolly moving.

I was acting, you idiot.

What the hell is the matter with this thing? I can't get LA.

You can't even get Luton, mate.

There's no signal round here. We're in a black hole.

There's a public telephone thingy down the lane by the pub.

But you'll need some coins, though.

Verity, go and get the "Save the theatre" swear box.

I'm not here to save your fucking theatre.

PHONE RINGS

-'Charlie!'

-Jesus, Jefferson, what's going on?

I'm on a pig farm.

Jesus, Jefferson, it's two in the morning.

You booked me into the wrong Stratford, you idiot!

This is Stratford-on-Pig Farm.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry about that, I really am.

But you're getting great coverage.

-Get me out of here! Now!

-I can't do that, Jefferson.

The story's too big. It would finish you.

So, you're telling me there's something worse

than working on a pig farm with a bunch of amateurs?!

PHONE SLAMS, DIAL TONE

A bunch of amateurs is waiting.

Shall we head back?

It's an easy mistake to make, Mr Steel.

There are several Stratfords in Britain.

Stratford-upon-Avon, of course. That's in Warwickshire.

Then there's Stratford in East London.

Stratford Tony in Wiltshire.

Yes, thank you both. I think Mr Steel gets the picture.

Stratford St Agnes in Somerset.

Stratford St Andrew, Stratford St Mary...

Excuse me...

-Frank.

-..Frank.

Would you do me a favour, Frank?

Shut the fuck up.

-Oh, sorry. Sorry I'm late, Dot.

-No, you're OK.

Just had to go into town, get some guava juice.

Right! So, Mr Steel, shall we give it a whirl?

I wonder, Dorothy, if we could have a word?

We've sort of had a clever idea for when Gloucester has his eyes gouged out.

Well, maybe later? OK.

Right, everyone, we're going to pick it up from Act 1, Scene 1

just after Gloucester's exit.

Everyone should probably remember where they were.

Cornwall and Albany were this side,

and Danny and Tai, I think we had the two guards at the back, if you remember. OK!

OK, here we go.

Let's take it from the top of Lear's first big speech.

In your own time, Mr Steel.

Give me the map there.

You see, that's a problem.

I mean, right away I ask, "Give me the map," nobody gives me a map.

The whole thing's turning to shit here.

Couldn't you just pretend for now?

It's called acting.

Give me the map.

Know that we have divided in three our kingdom

and 'tis our fast intent to shake all cares and business from our age...

-HE MUTTERS QUICKLY:

-conferring them on younger strengths, while we,

Unburthen'd, crawl towards death.

Interest of territory, cares of state... Etcetera, etcetera.

Where nature doth with merit challenge.

Gon... Gon... Gon...

-Gon...

-Goneril.

That's me, and she's the one who says she loves you, but doesn't really.

Though that's obviously only the character, not in real life.

That's not to say that I don't like you in...

No, but that's not...

Your point is?

The point is that Mary's character is pronounced "Gon-er-il".

Well, you do know the play, Mr Steel.

Oh, yes, I know it. It's about a man whose three daughters drive him nuts.

And you've read it?

I like to start

with a blank canvas.

You haven't read it.

I'm sorry I had to put my foot down, but it's the law here.

You're not allowed to smoke in a public building.

-It's hardly even a barn.

-Besides, Verity's allergic to the smoke.

It was her idea to write you in the first place.

We were desperate.

Thanks.

She seems to think you're wonderful.

-She's a very bright kid.

-She is.

She's even read the play.

You know what happened to the last director who thought they were smarter than me?

They won an Oscar?

That's funny.

No wonder you're playing the fool.

Shall we go back?

Do I have a choice?

That's the spirit.

Lead on, Macduff.

I here disclaim all my paternal care...

propinquity and property of blood,

and as a stranger to my heart and me.

hold thee, from this, for ever.

Give it a rest, Nigel. Can you get us a packet of pork scratchings?

Well, I'm sorry, but it's not fair.

I should be Lear. It's every actor's dream.

You is a lawyer, Nige. Accept it, yeah?

But, I mean, he's so stilted and wooden.

I mean, what has Jefferson Steel got that I haven't?

Good looks, money, fame, a Beverly Hills mansion... How long have you got?

-Well, where is he, then?

-He's having some extra rehearsals with Dorothy.

He'll need all the rehearsals he can get, because let's face it, he's no Laurence Olivier.

In fact, he might even be the first actor in history that's actually too old to play Lear.

-He'd make a damn good Yorick.

-Who's Yorick?

The skull in Hamlet.

-Harsh.

-But fair.

That is unfair. I think you're all being very cruel.

It is early days, and we shouldn't make any rash judgements.

Because he is totally fantastic.

Mary, you're dribbling.

Maybe you should think more about your motivation.

-How do you like Stratford, Mr Steel?

-It's not what I expected.

How are you coping with King Lear?

Your daughter, Amanda, thinks it's perfect casting.

-You talked to my daughter?

-Oh, yeah. She said, and I quote,

"Lear is an arrogant egomaniac and a lousy father..."

Excuse me, gentlemen. Mr Steel has had a long and exhausting day in rehearsal

and now has an important meeting to attend.

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

Thank you very much.

No, no, no, we really have got a meeting. With a sponsor.

He paid for your flights and all the production costs, so please be nice to him.

-Yeah.

-Jefferson, this is Mike Bell, managing director of Anglian Breweries.

-Pleased to meet you, Jeff.

-Thank you.

This is Lauren, my wife.

Hello. You're obviously not in beer.

No, Lauren is a fitness instructor.

I'm a big fan of yours, Mr Steel.

Well, that makes two of us.

Jefferson was asking if there was a way to tie the show in with your product.

-I was?

-Mmm-hmm.

-I'm ahead of you, Jeff. May I introduce King Beer.

THEY LAUGH

-It's like King Lear, you see?

-I get it.

Go on, get it down you. The finest ale this side of Royston.

Right.

HE SPITS

Jetlag.

Do you deliberately set out to offend people?

No, it just comes natural.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Except when they're pretty blondes.

COCK CROWS

It's so long.

Here we are, Mr Steel. Everything you asked for.

I don't have time for breakfast. I've got to find Dorothy.

Well, here's a fancy, Beverly-Hills-style breakfast for you.

Don't you start getting picky on me.

Next thing, you'll be suggesting that your people talk to my people.

Well, I don't have any people.

Dorothy.

Jefferson. Good morning.

I have some issues.

-Issues?

-Mmm-hmm.

To be honest, I think this needs a rewrite.

-But this is Shakespeare.

-Well, nobody's perfect.

I say we cut two acts, give it a happy ending.

We're going to do the play as written.

You never heard of improvisation?

You can't improvise Shakespeare.

How would we do the scene on the heath?

We're not doing the scene on the heath.

I don't do crazy.

Do I detect a hint of panic? All those words, all that acting.

I don't panic.

Where is everybody? Why aren't we rehearsing?

Well, it's a weekday. Everyone's got proper jobs.

We'll rehearse again this evening.

Well, what am I going to do all day? I'd be in my trailer, but I don't have a trailer.

Well, you could always help out here at the library.

Mmm.

I think I'll take a stroll.

OK.

Jeff, it's you! Mate, it's you. It's you, Jeff!

Morning, Jefferson!

Morning. Hello.

-Oh, hang on a minute.

-Oh!

Yoo-hoo!

Hello?

There goes our local celebrity.

Trying to act inconspicuous.

Hi!

Singularly failing.

No pictures, please.

I've just taken a tour of downtown.

I've killed three minutes. What do I do now?

Young man? Have you got any books on herbaceous borders?

Do I look like a librarian?

-No.

-Are you saying I can't do librarian?

Now, let me see. "Herbaceous." That would be under "H".

He seems very nice. Is he taken?

Cornwall and Albany

With my two daughters' dowers digest the third.

I do invest you jointly with my power,

Pre-eminence and all...

You have to admit, he has got such charisma.

Oh, God. Well, where is it, then?

..of a hundred knights...

He's getting to know the character, Janine, it doesn't happen overnight.

He's the same with me at home, tip-toeing around me, being polite.

Well, not polite, exactly, but you know...

-You know what I mean. Feeling his way.

-You wish.

Tenner says he'll jack it in within the week.

-20 says he won't last three days.

-You're on.

-Quiet! Shh!

-Sorry.

Royal Lear, whom I have ever honour'd as my king,

Loved as my father, as my master follow'd,

As my great patron thought on in my prayers...

Why does he talk like that? Why can't we talk like real people?

I am playing in the manner the Bard intended.

In the way the plays have been performed throughout the ages

by all the great men of our theatre, Olivier, Gielgud, Richardson.

How about someone still alive?

Yeah, OK, I'll do the directing. Thank you, both.

Nigel, I think it's important to remember that Kent is Lear's friend.

-It needs to be warm.

-Oh, God.

And, Jefferson, I think that Lear needs a bit more...

-passion.

-Yes, if only.

I mean, he's reading it like a bloody shopping list.

Nigel? How many movies have you made?

How many movies with your name above the title?

How many love scenes have you played with gorgeous starlets?

I don't think many.

Bravo!

The Suffolk Herald hailed my Malvolio as definitive.

I rest my case.

Well, I defer to the director.

I think there is a definitive performance lying somewhere between

Californian realism and English mellifluence.

Yes, well, I expected rather more support than that, Dorothy.

I do have a certain reputation.

And I'm sorry, but I won't be treated like this.

I shall leave while you reconsider your position.

Nigel.

You're acting like an ass.

If anybody's going to be an ass around here, it's going to be me. I'm leaving.

Not before me.

I can slam the door louder!

ALL: Oh!

Charlie, listen to me. I've got more lines in this play than I had in my entire motion picture career.

Yeah, but they're such good ones.

Listen, you putz, you didn't tell me I was doing Lear.

-I did.

-No, you told me Lear,

but you didn't tell me Shakespeare's Lear!

It could be the end of my career.

You know what else? I'm looking out my window at sheep.

Well, I hear you get a good leg of lamb out there.

I'm scared, Charlie.

Well, that's good. You're... You're doing scared really well.

I can't hear you, it's a bad connection.

'Talk to you a month from now.'

-Jefferson, it's Dorothy.

-I'm packing.

We are all so sorry about last night.

The whole company is distraught. No-one's talking to Nigel.

I'm still packing.

We'd like to make it up to you.

-Where are we going?

-Nearly there, Mr Steel.

Even when the sun is out, I'm freezing to death.

Oh, come along.

Oh.

Ta-da! Your trailer, sir.

That's better.

Your home away from home, Mr Steel.

The pub donated the jukebox, Mary supplied the sofa.

Kevin provided your minibar, and Frank provided the television.

You have to fiddle with the dish a bit. It's got to point 28 degrees east,

which can be a bit tricky when the wind gets up.

So, what, no hot tub?

I've cleaned it out completely. It shouldn't be whiffy at all.

You have me for another rehearsal.

What did you do with all the books?

What happened to the handsome one?

Oh!

-Sorry.

-Hey, Amanda! Long time, no see. We should do lunch.

-That's why I'm here, remember?

-Right.

So, how's business, Charlie?

You know, it's up, it's down.

How about you? You working?

I just got a call for an independent movie. A modern dress version of Sense And Sensibility.

The director saw me in Pride And Prejudice.

Oh, way to go!

You know, your dad would be thrilled. He's always been very proud of you.

Really? He never mentioned it to me.

Sorry.

Flip it.

-Are you going to be OK, Charlie?

-I'll be great.

This is the future, Amanda. All agents will have offices like this.

This is better than the paperless office.

This is the office-less office.

Come, let's away to prison.

We two alone will sing like birds in the cage.

When thou dost ask me blessing...

..I'll kneel down,

And ask of thee forgiveness.

So we'll... We'll...

Live, and pray, and sing.

Live, and pray, and sing.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

I mean, are we going to have this on the opening night, eh?

Are we going to have Verity playing Cordelia AND Lear?

Some of us have a lot of lines to learn.

Dorothy, would now be a good time to talk about

our scene where Gloucester gets his eyes put out?

-Yes, OK.

-OK. Fine.

Out, vile jelly! Where is thy lustre now?

HE SQUEALS

-What do you think?

-I think I have to think about it.

As I was about to say, I would like everyone word-perfect by Sunday.

-THEY GASP Oh!

-Sunday?

And I mean everyone.

Goneril, our eldest-born, speak first.

Sir, I do love you more than word can wield the matter.

Dearer than eyesight, space, and liberty.

Post speedily to my lord your husband, show him this letter.

The army of France is landed.

Seek out the traitor Gloucester.

-Then you say, "Hang him instantly."

-PIG SQUEALS

..if this letter speed,

And my invention thrive...

Edmund the base

Shall top the legitimate.

I grow, I prosper. Now, gods, stand up for bastards!

Kevin Patel!

Sorry, Mum.

'Tis but the infirmity of his age.

Yet he hath ever but slenderly known himself.

Good, good.

I yet beseech your majesty, if for I want that glib and oily art

To speak and purpose not,

since what I well intend, I'll do it before I speak, that you make known.

It is no vicious blot

That hath deprived me of your grace and favour.

-Uh-huh. There you go, Verity.

-Oh, great.

-Thank you, Ashley.

-Bye-bye.

-See you, Verity.

-Bye, Verity.

Now I prithee, daughter, do not make me mad.

I will not trouble thee, my child.

Farewell.

We'll no more meet...

..no more see one another.

But yet thou art my flesh, my blood, my daughter.

So, can you eat this or are you going to explode?

I can eat most things.

Apart from wheat and dairy products, and shellfish and gluten.

And nuts, obviously, which could kill me or something equally dramatic.

-You're meant to feel sorry for me.

-No, you can do that.

DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it.

I'm so sorry to disturb you, Dorothy,

but I have an announcement to make. I'm resigning from the production.

Not again!

This time it is a question of principle.

Oh, the principle being that you didn't get the best part? Oh, don't be so pompous, Nigel.

-Come in and have a drink.

-But I am not being pompous. That appalling American!

He's an utter disgrace to the traditions of the amateur stage,

-to the noble name of The Stratford Players...

-Sounds pompous to me.

Tell me about your mum.

Well, my dad left her when I was very young because he couldn't handle the commitment.

She was in the theatre, but then she gave it up to look after me.

You know, Dorothy, it was only for your sake

that I was prepared to humiliate myself to play the Earl of Kent.

It's a very difficult part, Nigel. You're the only one who can do it.

Do you really think so?

Do you remember that judge at the drama festival in Norwich?

Oh, no, I'm not sure, it was all such a long time ago.

One of the best Malvolios he'd seen.

"The best Malvolio ever in the history of the East Anglia Drama Festival"

were, I think, his exact words.

And that's why we need you.

Anyone can play Lear, but how many people can dazzle as Kent?

I can think of only one.

-You're not just saying that to get round me?

-Would I?

-Now, I've got to go.

-The gods reward your kindness!

I hope everyone's hungry.

I'm starving.

Jefferson's taking a breather from women at the moment.

-Aren't you, Jefferson?

-Thanks, big mouth.

Apparently, the only woman in his life is his daughter.

She's not talking to me right now.

Is this where we're meant to feel sorry for you?

Touche.

-What does your daughter do?

-Oh, Amanda's an actress, and she's really talented.

There was a time she used to think I was pretty good.

-What happened?

-She grew up.

Is that the brewery man's wife with Jefferson?

Oh. Well, I expect she's part of the sponsorship package,

if you get my drift.

Yes, well, I can't wear Lycra, it brings me out in a rash.

Oh, never seen him quite so perky.

I wonder how long it will be before they're working out horizontally.

-Janine Jarvis, you have a filthy mind.

-Mmm.

This isn't too much for you, is it, Mr Steel?

Of course not. Do I look like I've had enough?

No, no, no. Maybe a little.

-Ready to go again?

-I don't know.

Hmm.

-Are you still OK?

-I'm still hanging in there.

-Hi!

-Hello.

-Morning.

-Mum, you really think that's such a good idea?

-What?

Having Lauren as Jefferson's personal trainer.

-Oh, really, Verity, you watch too much television.

-I'm just saying.

-He's not my cup of tea.

-I think you might be his.

Oh, don't be silly, Verity, he's too much in love with himself.

Besides, there is the little matter of age to consider.

Yeah, you are older than the women he usually goes for.

You are so rude. Who brought you up?

I spend too much time already pandering to that insufferable ego.

It's not his fault.

If you're treated like a king, you're going to end up behaving like one.

I think his heart's in the right place.

Let's just hope it holds out till opening night.

-Oh, that... Ooh! Ooh!

-There?

-Yeah, right there.

That's it, that's the spot. You got a big one here.

HE GROANS WITH PLEASURE

Oh, you're so stiff in there, Mr Steel.

Yeah. Oh, a little harder. A little harder.

And there they were,

Jefferson Steel and the brewer's wife in his bedroom, at it like knives.

I think it's disgusting.

Well, I'm shocked and disappointed, but I'm hardly surprised.

OK, everyone. Here we go. Let's pick it up from Act 1, Scene 3.

King Lear is dividing his time between his two daughters

and neither is happy with the domestic arrangements.

Yes, I know exactly how she feels.

OK, Mary?

By day and night he wrongs me.

Every hour he flashes into one gross crime or other

That sets us all at odds. I'll not endure it!

That's good, Mary, I can really feel your anger.

HE WHISTLES

I like to think of myself as broad-minded but I am not having that sort of thing going on under my roof.

What sort of thing?

Goodbye, Mr Steel. You have been a huge disappointment to me.

Where am I going to sleep?

You can sleep with one of your...floozies!

You never did like me, did you?

PHONE RINGS

Flint Farm. Bed and breakfast.

Jefferson Steel, please. This is his daughter, Amanda.

Mr Steel is no longer staying at this establishment.

We do try to uphold certain moral standards here, you know.

Excuse me? Do you know where I can reach him?

No, I have no idea where he is and nor do I wish to know. Goodnight.

Hello?

Hello?

Well, thank you very much.

I've just lost my Goneril. Mary is out of the play.

Good. She's out of her mind.

And I know all about you and Lauren!

Nothing happened. You don't know anything.

I know that, thanks to you, I've just lost a rather important member of my cast.

Yeah.

Me. I quit.

-I'm going home.

-I've been waiting for this.

A celebrity tantrum. Well, maybe it's all for the best.

No, that's not your line.

You're supposed to say, "Please, Jefferson, stay."

No, no, no. No, I think you're doing the right thing.

I mean, obviously Lear is just too difficult for a film actor.

You can't cope with the verse,

and it is an awful lot of lines for someone your age.

So, fair enough. You gave it a go, but you're just not up to it.

I'll just have to find someone who is. Bye.

I guess I'm stuck in the stupid trailer.

Well, there's always my place if you don't mind the pigs.

Stupid trailer it is.

"Someone your age."

"Too difficult for a film star."

I am bound upon a wheel of fire,

which my own tears do...

Fuck it.

COCK CROWS

I do beseech you To understand my purposes aright.

As you are old and reverend, you should be wise.

Here do you have 100 knights and squires.

Men so disorder'd, so debauch'd and bold

That this our court, infected with their manners.

Thank you.

Shows like a riotous inn,

epicurism and lust

Makes it more like a tavern or a brothel

Than a graced palace.

Thank you, Mr Matthews. Very nice, we'll let you know.

-Is that it?

-It was the best we could do at short notice.

Hello?

Am I too late?

-Good.

-I'm telling you, nothing happened.

But you have to admit she is... She is cute.

And that's important, is it, for the part of Goneril?

It's important if she's the sponsor's wife.

-Ready.

-Good point.

Hi.

I just wanted to say thanks for getting me the part.

Thank Dorothy.

Hey, if you ever need another workout...

I don't think so, thank you. I haven't quite recovered from the last one.

-SHE GIGGLES Oh, well, see you at rehearsal?

-Right.

Ciao.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

-Great casting, Dorothy.

-I think it's really going to work.

-I won't let you down.

-Oh, of course not.

What we need to do now is to maximise sponsorship awareness.

Let me run this past you, Jeff. Lear's Bitter.

You see, the beer's bitter,

and Lear's also bitter because of his daughter.

Brilliant.

Mmm. Delicious.

Thanks, Jeff. I'll get some more in. Give us a hand, Lauren.

Forget Shakespeare, that was acting.

Oh, surprise, surprise! The casting couch triumphs again.

Mary will have a fit when she finds out that bimbo has got her part.

I best just go and tell her now. Excuse me.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to be the bearer of bad news...

..but I think there is something that you should all see.

What - sex romp?

"Has-been."

-Look, nothing happened!

-Shut up, Lauren. We're going.

Listen to her, Mike. That's all bullshit.

No, you listen to me, you fucking fucker!

You can forget your fucking sponsorship and your fucking theatre.

In fact, the whole fucking lot of you can just fucking fuck off!

Not eloquent, but heartfelt.

Mmm-hmm.

-Mr Bell!

-Piss off!

-Mr Bell, would you like to make a comment?

-No.

-Just any kind of comment.

-No.

-I have a comment for you.

Your beer tastes like pig shit.

JOURNALISTS LAUGH

You lied to me.

You don't know what happened or what didn't happen.

I think we just lost our sponsor,

and with no sponsorship, we have no further need of your services.

You're fired.

Nigel, you can take over the role.

This will be The Stratford Players' final production.

Poor fool and knave...

there is one part in my heart

That's sorry yet for thee.

He's coming. He's coming. Mr Steel, Mr Steel, what's the story?

What's the story, Mr Steel?

If we can try and get it, that is the story.

-Jefferson!

-Mr Steel!

Who's in there with you now?

What makes you such a sexual master? Give me something. Just give me something.

He's like a tornado out of control. What's going on?

-Is it true you use Viagra?

-Can you give us a scoop?

Is this your mobile love machine?

-Mr Steel, come back!

-Shit!

-There goes my best story.

-Come on, let's get it!

-Mr Steel!

-Wait for me. Jefferson!

PHONE RINGS

What is it, Dad? This isn't a good time.

Tell me about it. I've just been fired.

God, what have you done now?

There was this woman. There's a story in the papers.

I don't want to hear it, Dad. You finally decide to do something worthwhile

and you can't keep your pants on?

-Will you give me a break, Amanda?

-Yeah, yeah, you got it.

Amanda.

Shit.

-Miss Blacke?

-Yes.

-Mr Kopyc will see you now.

-Thank you.

Amanda. My people loved you in that Pride And Punishment thing.

Yeah, thanks.

Can you get naked? We want to get on with it.

-Excuse me, what?

-Just take your clothes off.

Um... Which scene from Sense and Sensibility is this?

-The orgy scene.

-Sorry, I don't remember an orgy scene.

You will once I've shot it. It's going to be hot.

Hmm? Loving it.

Oh, God.

-Jefferson! Jefferson!

-Mr Steel!

Jefferson, give us a quote.

This cold night will turn us all to fools and madmen.

What?

-Hey!

-Hey! Watch out!

Shit!

HORN HONKS

THUNDER RUMBLES

Just because it's in the papers it doesn't mean it's true.

In fact, it means it probably isn't true.

There's a photograph of the two of them.

Yeah, I've got a photo of me and Mickey Mouse.

It doesn't mean we're shagging.

Did it occur to you that Lauren is a sports masseuse?

She gives people massages, that's her job.

The newspaper has a first-hand source.

Yeah, and who does this source sound like?

"This appalling lothario is a disgrace to the traditions of the amateur stage...

"and has blackened the noble name of The Stratford Players."

Fortune, good night. Smile once more, turn thy wheel!

You arse, Nigel!

-I beg your pardon?

-You complete and utter arse!

-This is your doing, isn't it?

-It could have been anyone.

"The noble name of The Stratford Players"?

-It's pure Nigel-ese.

-It had to be said by someone.

And you know for a fact that he was having an affair with Lauren?

Mary heard them together in his bedroom.

She's a sports masseuse, you idiot!

Ah.

And this is the sum total of your evidence, is it?

Possibly.

You really are a pathetic man, Nigel.

If I were Jefferson, I think I'd kill you.

In fact, I may kill you myself!

I suppose a nightcap's out of the question, then?

-Where is he?

-He's gone. He nearly ran me over!

I should have let him!

That would have made a great picture.

I want civilisation.

And I want people.

THUNDER CLAPS

I want a town. I want a city!

I want a Four Seasons.

I want a Four Seasons!

I need a Four Seasons!

CAR HORN HONKS

HORN BLARES

Blow, wind, and crack your cheeks!

Rage! Blow!

You cataracts and hurriacanoes, spout

Till you have drench'd our steeples and drown'd the cocks!

You sulphurous and thought-executing fires...

Singe my white head!

And thou, all-shaking thunder,

Crack nature's moulds.

-All germens spill at once...

-Jefferson.

..that make ingrateful man!

Jefferson!

Jefferson.

I am a man

More sinn'd against than sinning.

I know. I know.

Good morning.

Good morning.

I feel...

terrible.

-You look terrible.

-Thank you.

Here, drink this.

Last night, did I do anything...embarrassing?

Apart from running over a journalist and trashing the mobile library, no.

That's a relief.

I'm so sorry.

Please, don't be.

I think we all owe you an apology.

I have never felt so humiliated in my life.

It's a cruel business, honey. Not that I'd know.

It wasn't my Lizzie Bennet that impressed the director, it was my boobs.

Whatever it takes.

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but Dad was right.

Now, that reminds me, say goodbye to him.

-Charlie, what are you doing?

-It's time to end it.

PHONE RINGS

Charlie, don't be stupid, you're not going to kill yourself.

-Give me one good reason.

-Your phone's ringing.

Oh, OK.

Charlie Rosenberg.

HE CLEARS THROAT Worry ye not!

Our American friend may have scuttled back across the pond,

but the show must go on.

-Hey, Nigel.

-Oh, shit.

-I thought you'd gone.

-You sold me out.

God, no, no. No, no, it was all Mary's fault.

Oh, so, now you've sold me out?

-You're lying, Nigel.

-Jefferson...

Looks like someone's in for a kicking, Nigel.

-A tenner says he breaks your arms, mate.

-20, your legs.

Quick, Nigel!

-Mum, stop them.

-No, Nigel could do with the exercise.

Nigel!

Nigel!

Nigel.

You're not going to hit me, are you?

You must have wanted this part very badly.

After all my years with The Stratford Players, it was going to be my crowning glory.

I have an idea.

Why don't you just play Lear and I'll play Kent?

I mean, it's just a play.

Please, I can't bear the kindness, just hit me.

Aw...

Oh, Nigel.

I think we should all apologise. Mary for starting the rumour,

you lot for spreading it, and me most of all for being stupid enough

to believe anything I read in the papers.

I'm so sorry, Mr Steel.

And you're welcome back at Flint Farm any time,

and you can do whatever you want in your room.

Not that you were doing anything.

I mean, what were we thinking?

The Stratford Players is the one thing that keeps this village together.

Even the church only holds services once a month.

This stupid theatre is all we've got.

It's the heart of our community and we were just going to throw it all away.

Hold on a minute.

If anyone's going to have a big moving speech here, it's going to be me.

I have something I want to say to you people.

I know sometimes I can be a bit of an ass.

ALL: No.

Most of the time.

ALL: Yeah.

But until now, I've always thought of amateurs as unprofessional.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

In fact, you're the ones who deserve the respect, not people like me,

because where's the glory for you guys? I mean, where's the money?

Where's the fame?

Come to think of it, why the hell do you do it?

Well, it's our chance to step outside our own ordinary lives.

To create something bigger than ourselves.

To share in the power of theatre.

And it gets us out of the house.

-Yeah.

-Exactly.

Well, whatever it is...

I mean, I want to say I'd be proud,

I'd be honoured, if you'd let me be a part of your show,

and I promise I won't let you down.

Nice, nice speech.

But can I just remind everyone that we no longer have any financial backing?

Well, I'll just have to go back to Mike Bell and tell him the truth.

I'm afraid Jefferson insulting his beer is worse than him shagging his wife.

Hey, Nigel must be loaded. How much did you get for the Jefferson Steel story?

-Nothing!

-Nothing?

Nothing?

Are you telling me that you gave them

"Jefferson Steel In Saucy Suffolk Sex Romp" for nothing?

I am going to hit him.

Ooh!

-Wait a minute.

-What?

Blimey, it's a media circus!

Morning!

Welcome. Welcome to Jefferson Steel country.

Do come and see the play. I'm playing Edgar and Cornwall. Hello!

Oh, yes, he tried to have his wicked way with me, but I wasn't having any of it.

That's why I had to extricate myself from the play.

I mean, that man could not keep his hands off me.

Off me.

Oh, he was a stallion in bed. He could never get enough.

And I thought I knew everything about Kama Sutra.

Mummy!

And then, of course, we became lovers.

With Jefferson around, none of my farm animals were safe.

LOUD-HAILER: 'Tonight, The Stratford Players present Jefferson Steel in King Lear.

'Four funerals and a wedding.

'Tonight, The Stratford Players present Jefferson...'

-Dorothy?

-Yeah.

-Rupert and I had one last thought about the putting-the-eyes-out scene.

-Right.

-Ooh!

-Out, vile jelly! Where is thy lustre now?

-Could work.

-Yeah?

-In a different play.

-OK.

OK.

-Janine?

-I know, I look a freak.

You look fantastic!

-Oh? Do you think so?

-Yeah.

OK. "Rusty Steel, not sharp enough."

Very good. What about this one, right?

"Tarnished Steel gives leaden performance."

Yes! OK, let's watch the show.

OK, everyone, that's 15 minutes.

Are you ready, Jefferson? How you feeling? Are you nervous?

Of course I'm not nervous.

I... I'm terrified.

Not a problem. I can do Lear.

Joke.

I'm far more terrified than you are.

-In fact, I think I'm about to throw up.

-Go, Nigel, go.

ELIZABETHAN MUSIC PLAYS

I thought the king had more affected the Duke of Albany than Cornwall.

It did always seem so to us.

Let's go out and show them what a bunch of amateurs can do.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Attend the lords of France and Burgundy, Gloucester.

I shall, my lord.

Meantime, we shall express our darker purpose.

Give me the map there.

Know that we have divided

In three our kingdom...

..and 'tis our fast intent to shake all cares and business from our age,

Conferring them on younger strengths

while we, unburthen'd, crawl toward death.

Tell me, my daughters,

Which of you shall we say...

Sir, I do love you more than word can wield the matter.

Dearer than eyesight, space, and liberty.

Poor fool and knave.

I have one part in my heart

That's sorry yet for thee.

# He that has and a little tiny wit... #

O, you are men of stone!

Had I your tongues and eyes...

I'd use them so that heaven's vault would crack.

She's gone for ever.

I might have saved her...

Now she's gone for ever!

Cordelia, Cordelia, why do...

Verity?

Verity?

Say something.

She isn't breathing.

Someone, call for an ambulance.

GASPS AND CHATTERING

-She's had an allergic reaction.

-She's in anaphylactic shock.

You're going to need adrenaline, a laryngoscope, ventilatory support.

-Are you a doctor?

-No, but I played one in a movie.

I think we'll take over from here.

Oh, watch out for peri-operative complications.

Yes, thank you. I'll do that.

I love you, darling.

Is she OK?

You're very lucky, you got her here just in time.

She's going to be fine.

Thank God. In the movie I did, the kid dies.

Just a bad reaction to something she must have eaten.

There were probably some nuts in the chocolate.

Normally, I'm so careful, but what with the opening night and everything...

Don't worry. She'll need some bed rest for a few days,

but she'll back to her old self in a week or two.

-I'll let you know when she wakes up.

-Thank you.

Thank you.

For giving her the chocolates?

For saving her life.

-Miss Nettle, Mr Steel?

-God, what?

Have you seen the papers?

-You're the hero of the hour.

-Oh!

Oh, just look at this review.

"Startling, brilliant, moving.

"Steel commands the stage."

I haven't had reviews like that since...

I never have had reviews like that.

And you didn't even get a curtain call.

Something else came up.

With no Cordelia, we've got no show.

I'm sorry there isn't a happy ending.

Me too.

I know that life isn't like that.

-I know it's not like in the movies.

-Ah, Miss Nettle? Verity's awake.

Guess it's time to say goodbye.

I'm not very good at goodbyes.

But if ever you're in Beverly Hills, drop by.

I mean it.

-How about Tuesday?

-Ooh, I can't do Tuesday.

I've got a cesspit to empty.

Wednesday? Wednesday's good for me.

Mr Steel, can I just say I'm sorry for everything?

Particularly for the fact that you didn't give her one

that night when you stumbled into her bedroom.

I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

I think it would have been a night to remember.

I'll never forgive myself.

Oh, I'm sorry...

Thank you.

Mr Steel?

It's been a pleasure.

Come on, Nigel, give us a hug.

No, Jefferson. You are still in England.

It's a shame you have to go. I've managed to find a new Cordelia.

O my dear father!

Restoration hang thy medicine on my lips

and let this kiss

Repair those violent harms

that my two sisters

Have in thy reverence made.

I don't know what to say.

Oh, I think you do.

Pray, do not mock me...

..for I am a very foolish, fond old man.

Do not laugh at me,

for, as I am a man, I think this lady to be my child.

And so I am.

I am.

Thank you.

You can thank Verity.

She was the one who thought Amanda might have some insight

into playing the daughter of a madman.

AMANDA LAUGHS

So, shall we rehearse?

Be your tears wet?

I pray weep not.

If you have poison for me, I will drink it.

I know you do not love me, for your sisters

have, as I do remember,

done me wrong.

You have some cause.

They have not.

No cause.

No cause.

I might have saved her, and now she's gone...

..for ever.

Cordelia, Cordelia,

stay a little.

What is't thou say'st?

Her voice was ever soft

and gentle...

..and low.

An excellent thing in woman.

The weight of this sad time we must obey.

Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.

The oldest hath borne most.

We that are young shall never see so much, nor live so long.

APPLAUSE

Bravo!

Bravo!

-Enjoy that?

-Yeah.

I told you it works better in a bigger venue.

You really are mad.

What's the point in being a movie star if you can't hire the Old Vic for a few nights?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Bravo! Bravo!

APPLAUSE

Hey, Dorothy, what are we going to do next year?

-Next year?

-But the theatre's saved.

You don't really have to come back.

-How about Richard III?

-Yeah, you're good at sequels.

Then Richard III it is.

-What's that about again?

-It's about power and seduction.

Well, I'll have to do some research.

THEY CHUCKLE

He's coming back over my dead body.

Bravo!

APPLAUSE CONTINUES