Donkeys

This film contains very strong language

How old was he?

63 in human years.

That's you now, son.

Where's the anxiety now?

Nine.

-It was nine, ten minutes ago.

-It's nine!

The dug is dead!

And that's terrible. Something good has come of it.

There is nothing to keep you here.

You and me are going to Spain and you are getting on a fucking plane!

-Where is it now?

-It's nine!

-It's an irrational fear.

-I know.

You just sit there and get acclimatised.

Your attention, ladies and gentlemen.

I give you a stunning array of animal sculptures from around the world.

Look, Chinese! What's more, it's collectable.

Invest in your children's future with that Mexican squirrel.

It's onyx! It will drive away evil spirits

and you can open your beer bottles at the same time.

Commemorate the Crimean War

with that Florence Nightingale chimpanzee set.

Or put your goldfish in the movies

with our blockbuster aquarium set.

We've got Star Wars, Mary Poppins

or the Battle of Algiers. Or...

..liven up that grave with a wolf whistling Jesus.

Go on, hit me. Point the gun.

I'll make it easy for you. I'm dying.

I can understand this is a very stressful situation for you.

I'm dying!

Please, you've got to stop upsetting yourself.

I'm dying!

-I'm dying!

-Welcome aboard.

Aw, fuck you! I'm sorry...

This is awfully unlike me. I'm usually a rock.

Please, proceed.

We can't tell at this point if it was a minor heart attack

-or something...

-Jesus.

Does anyone live with you? In case it happens again.

-Do you have any family?

-Aye, aye. My daughter Jackie.

So she's your next of kin?

Aye.

-You know which one it is?

-I think so.

Look, just do it. Go on.

TAPPING

GLASS SHATTERS

I'm going to lock you to the door then I'm calling the police,

-all right! Don't try anything!

-I'm Stevie, her son!

I've not got a key. I take it you're Jackie from next door.

Either I'm telling the truth or I'm psychic. Get aff me!

Sake.

I'm just getting clothes to take up to her tomorrow morning.

-Nice to meet you.

-Aye, cheerio.

He got three years for selling drugs in Aberdeen. Margaret told me.

What kind of drugs is he selling?

I don't want you going anywhere near him, is that understood?

Mr Patterson.

Naw, couldn't get rid of me fast enough.

Where did you get to?

Want a cup of tea?

LETTER BOX OPENS

Who is it?

All right, darling.

..Aye. Hmm.

KNOCKING

Hey... Can I use your toilet?

Who the fuck are you?

I'm your grandad.

-You've not been in touch in over ten years!

-Pipe down!

You once urinated on the telly when you were pished.

You were accused of patting next-door's dog to death.

You're well-informed, I'll give you that.

-You got guests?

-Mum sleeps here since dad died.

-Toilet's upstairs.

-I know.

Used to live here.

(It's mum.)

Ask her if she got my card.

-Put her on.

-You've to leave.

PHONE RINGS

ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS

This is a message for Mr Patterson.

It's Dr April Hayley from the Western General.

Why the sudden interest in happy families?

I just...

want everything nicey-nicey before we go off to Spain.

-What now?

-Just...quietly...

Stalk her.

Ten years she's blanked me.

Golden years.

I just...

I don't know how to start.

"Hello, I'm a cunt."

Where's she headed?

I can't.

It's me, pet.

It's a nice headstone that, eh?

He'd be proud.

Aye, see. Solid, that.

You've never been here before.

I wrote a song for John.

It's like a lament, for his memory, you know?

# Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Where did the time go?

# You loved my Jackie so

# What's that...

# In the breeze

# Is it Johnny, yes, please... #

Second verse.

# The wind and the rain

-# Remember... #

-Why don't you just die?

-What Ward is she in?

-17.

I've not seen her for two years.

She stopped visiting.

She couldn't manage the trip.

Took a whole day to go up and see you.

-I know.

-Do you know the state she was in when she got back?

Did you think about that?

-No wonder she got cancer.

-I've changed.

-What do you want, a Mars Bar?

-Fuck you.

I'm sorry.

Who, whoa! Hey, you a friend of Jackie's?

Saw you coming out there. I'm her dad.

Where you headed?

I wanted to ask you a wee favour.

My driver here will take you anywhere you like.

So where is it you're going?

To the hospital.

There you are then. That's where we're going.

I'm her dad, see.

I don't know her.

No, but you've got access. That's the key.

You don't fancy a wee bit of light espionage, eh?

Your mission would be to infiltrate,

any tips on what she likes.

What kind of music she's into what she'd like for her tea,

and we could have a cover for you

that you wouldn't break under pressure.

You know, like...

Beowulf or Seadragon!

You're a fucking nutcase, pal.

I'm her dad!

Hey!

I've given you a lift, eh, not going to return the favour?

Oh, that's menacing! I'm pishin' masel'.

Why don't you come back and behave like a mature adult?

What you doing?

Would you stop doing that?! What's the matter with her?

Enjoying yourself there?

This is a wee sweetener for the boy.

Got off to a bad start, you know?

Now, this is my phone number.

In case he changes his mind. Right?

You tell him from me, OK?

Margaret?

Oh, no, darling.

No.

What happened to us, eh?

Eh, I was just... See that?

I'm on my way.

It's OK, Mum. It's OK.

-Is that your mother?

-Go!

Aye, aye. On my way.

What?

Is there anybody you'd like me to call, maybe your dad?

I've been looking for that bastard all my life

and when I find him, I'll kill him.

Can she talk?

Why did she come back to this shithole?

It's where she grew up.

Your mum's a big part of my family.

She practically brought us up.

Mum was too busy running after our dad.

We never had a look in.

Your mum was there for us instead.

Then she disappeared.

She was pregnant with me.

Look, I'm sure she's proud of you despite everything. You're lucky.

At least you get a chance to say goodbye.

TAPPING

This is a bit on the delicate side.

I appreciate you're a wee bit young for all this

but, see, when a man and a woman really like each other,

you know, like really like each other,

sometimes what happens is...

They get things out that they normally wouldn't get out.

And...

They put these things...

like, see this bloke Stevie...

-They're not shagging.

-Thank Christ for that.

She doesn't fancy him.

-Mum looks after his mum.

-Oh, right.

Fair play to them, eh?. Great.

You know, he threatened me.

He said if he ever got his dad, he'd...

-Kill him.

-Aye.

Three years in prison. It's bound to change a person.

Just brought up some clothes.

Stay.

Look who's here to see you, Mum.

I'm in a bit of bother. The things you do when you're young.

Never know when they're going to come back and bite you on the arse.

I was still on the drink in those days. All just a blank to me.

You know, when I think of the carry on that went on back then...

I'd five years on you. Should have done more to shield you.

What do you mean?

You know they lassies...

Once they had a drink in them,

it wisnae the men taking advantage of them, was it?

-You remember Margaret Blantyre?

-Aye.

-She was your first.

-First what?

-You know.

-What?

It's a wee bit delicate.

-What?

-She...

-What?

Shagged you.

I walked in on it, but it was all over by then.

Shut up!

No. She'd been knocked back by some bloke and you were available.

Defenceless is more the word.

-Don't be ridiculous.

-I saw it!

-Rubbish!

I saw it...going in.

Anyway, you were out of your tree. No wonder you blanked it out.

-Never knew what hit you.

-When?

Christmas '78.

I think I'd remember something like that.

Wouldn't there be a problem in the plumbing department

if I'd had too much to drink?

No, she helped out there.

What, splints?

-If you're not going to take this seriously...

-It's not feasible.

It is! Right?

Anyway, that's why I brought you here. I've got news for you.

Just brace yourself.

You know that boy we gave the lift to?

-Aye.

-He's been in visiting Margaret.

She's back after all these years but she doesn't have long.

-You saw her?

-Aye.

You should see the state of her.

Anyway, that's her son.

And yours.

See, I've been visiting this last month.

-She told me all about you and her.

-Get stuffed!

She's had the tests done, everything.

She thought I'd know the best way to break the news to you,

pick the right time.

I was going to tell you when we were burying Skippy.

Would I not have to be tested?

No. It doesn't work that way.

Anyway, the boy doesn't know yet.

I think he should.

Wait a minute...

His mother's dying! He needs his dad.

I'll phone him right now.

-Hello.

-Is that Stevie Blantyre?

Who's this?

You're on.

It's just... It's an awful lot to take in.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Do you want another bar on?

Come on, you're shivering.

Turn that fire up, kick your shoes off. Maybe we should go out.

What time's it now? Plenty of time.

I always knew there was somebody out there.

Do you want a fruit boiling?

Look, mate, I'm meeting somebody here so do you mind?

Take a seat, son.

May we?

Fuck off.

Ta-da!

For years I've planned what I'd do if I ever met my dad.

I'd lie awake thinking about it.

I think she didn't want to hamper me with the responsibilities.

She knew it would have scuppered my chances in life.

-She didn't want to waste my future.

-What did you want to do?

I was unemployed for the best part of 20 years.

I could never really be bothered, you know what I mean?

What about yourself?

Just out of prison.

-Prison, eh?

-Selling drugs.

Yes, drugs indeed.

But with the background I had,

it's no wonder I turned out to be so fucked up.

There you go then.

I don't look anything like you.

Yet.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. I'm fine.

Are you going to kill me?

No. We're just sitting here by the Clyde.

-Are you having a bath?

-Yeah.

-Are you in it?

-Yeah.

We've been invited for tea at the cafe in London Street. By grandad.

He's found Stevie's dad! Why won't you listen to me?

I'm scared to enjoy myself!

You won't let me do anything.

I haven't got any friends and I'm going!

Hi, pet.

She's finishing her shift.

-Now?

-No. No, hold back.

I'm amazed you turned out so well.

With the drink I had in me, I'm surprised the sperm wasn't diluted.

Hey, for goodness' sake!

How's yours? Everything OK?

A wee bit of civility here!

Seriously, I'm surprised you didn't end up with flippers for hands or something.

-In the name of God!

-We're bonding here.

What time did she say she'd be here?

Would you mind not looking so crushed?

It's not every day you get reunited with your only son.

Here's to us.

Luigi! Where is that bastard, eh?

HE SINGS IN ITALIAN

I don't want your boring lecture. I'm completely bored with it.

It was a nice night, don't ruin it.

You OK?

I'm fine, thanks.

You want to know any details about tonight?

Fill me in.

Grandad said he'd give me driving lessons.

You're only 12.

You joining me on the veranda?

Great night.

Yep.

She'll come round.

Then her and the lass can come out to Malaga whenever they want.

New dawn, eh?

It's all right to let folk in.

HE SNORES

It's Jackie.

Come in. Come in.

I'll put the kettle on.

Bronwyn wants to see you again. I said she could.

Aye, aye, of course.

I would love to see her.

Oh!

In doing this for her.

PHONE RINGS

ANSWER MACHINE BEEPS

'Mr Patterson, it is Dr Hailey again from Western General.

'Could you could call me back as soon as you get this, please?

'It's essential that we have you in to talk over your results. Thank you.'

Dear God!

Come on! Up! Get up! On your feet!

Through the door.

In you get. That's you.

Slow, slow. I've got you.

There you go.

Right, let's get this off. It's soaking wet. Arms up. Arms up.

That's you, that's you. That is it, lie back, lie back. Deep breaths.

-Right, let's get these off.

-Oh, no! No! No! No!

Too late now, pal.

-They gave me the all clear.

-Looks like it.

I'm taking you to the hospital and that's that, so zip it.

-Who died and left you in charge, eh?

-That is a choice turn of phrase.

Jackie was here. Bronwyn wants to see me again.

-You must have made some impression, eh?

-You are going to get your results.

Would you? Look at me. What's the odds?

Two days.

Nothing is going to change in two days.

I want to make it up to her, she is coming round.

Two days.

-What have you done?

-Can I not give you a wee surprise?

-I have put a wash on and ironed your shirt.

-What's going on?

-We seem to be getting on just fine just now.

-Don't we just?

-Did you notice the cooker? Sparkling.

-What have you done?

I seem to have asked Stevie next door to go on a date with you.

He said yes!

What are you doing tonight?

Will we just get pissed?

Grab!

-Good grief! You child!

-I thank you!

-That's colloquial.

-And what's pishflaps?

If it's good enough for Robert Burns.

I think you will find there is nothing in the Burns canon

containing the words pishflaps!

An American. An American that worked on the rigs.

That was the story. "Peter."

He went back to the state but, ah, "He'd send for us."

So I said to her one day and suddenly she has changed his name to Keith.

So I said, "I thought his name was Peter."

"Well, ah..." she stutters and thinks for a minute, and she says,

"He alternated."

LAUGHTER

That's just...

Cue me going mental. Kicked out the house.

She goes back to Glasgow, I get locked up, come out, meet you,

go get pished.

Hiya.

Right, so, you.

-Yes.

-The truth.

-What?

-Your dad.

-No!

-Oh, come on! What?

-Fuck off!

-Fuck off, it's all right for me to be pissed and depressed?

It's not, it's boring.

-Tell me, tell me.

-Boring, boring. Change the subject.

-Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.

Come on, tell me!

He killed my husband.

OK? He killed my husband.

-BOTH:

-We're ready!

-Ding-dong?

-Hi.

-Well?

-Good evening.

-Gouranga.

Have you come a long way, mister?

I have overthrown the colonial oppressors without a shot being fired.

Very good. Do you want to take a wee seat there?

-Ding-dong.

-Uh-huh?

Aoow! Ee-hee! I'm very, very bad.

Are you all right?

Aah-aaah!

Michael Jackson?

Right, Mahatma, hometime. Mum's rules.

She'll be ages yet, if she's lucky.

No, she is just out with the lassies from work.

That's what she wanted you to think, she is out with Stevie.

Dad phoned in the middle of the night. He was pissed and couldn't get a taxi.

John went and gave him a lift home.

John was getting up at six the next morning

so he was speeding on the way back.

Came off the road at the bypass.

Died at the scene.

Sorry for ruining the night.

Can I ask you something?

How is that your dad's fault? It was your man who was speeding.

-Why blame your dad?

-He's been a fucking arse his whole life!

-He's busting a gut trying to get you back and you're not even giving him a chance.

-Fuck off!

Jackie! Jackie!

It was supposed to be romantic.

It is a beautiful thing, being a dad. I feel whole again.

-My life before was one long, hollow scream.

-Oh, please.

-Of emptiness.

I am surprised I never committed suicide.

Just think, my boy and your Jackie, we could soon be related.

You're the most ridiculous piece of shit, do you know that?

You're here to make up the numbers, that's all.

What have you ever done with your life, eh?

What have you inspired in others?

A shiver of foreboding, that's what.

I have seen them doing it the market, whispering and pointing at you.

My son is not good enough for your daughter, is that it?

You couldn't sigh at a fucking gerbil.

They're probably shagging as we speak.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, jeez!

-What the fuck?

-No, this cannae happen!

-Jackie, I have to tell you something. Put your clothes on!

-What the fuck?

I have got to tell you something!

Get out my fucking house!

Get out! Get out!

Stevie is my son!

Darlin'...

Fuckin', fuckin' prick! Fuck off!

CRYING

Ooof!

COUGHING

-Oh, son.

-I don't have a dad.

Maybe one day I'll have a sister, and a niece.

Mr Patterson. Sorry to keep you.

So...

The test for new heart showed nothing to be concerned about,

these are from separate tests we took at the same time.

We've detected cancer cells at the base of your spine.

If we detected this one year or so ago there could have been

the possibility of doing something about it.

At this late stage, the cancer has spread.

I am afraid it is inoperable.

We can offer palliative care.

So, uh, how long would I be in?

I mean, I am moving to Spain in a couple of months that

I could put it off, easy.

Mr Patterson...

Well...

I knew the first day I came in.

Are you warm enough, darlin'?

-'Good evening.'

-It's me, I want to...

PHONE HANGS UP

-'Good evening.'

-Don't hang up...

PHONE HANGS UP

-'Good evening.'

-I need a favour.

Why would I want to see you ever again?

It's what you do.

This will be good.

Spain's aff. I know you're disappointed.

-I never thought he'd take me anyway.

-That's not true.

-Apparently it is.

I want Jackie to have the insurance money. So she can...

See the rest of the world. Put a deposit on a flat, something...

She'll still hate you.

You're not entering into the spirit of this, are you?

Insurance pays out in a month.

-If I'm dead before then it pays out more.

-So you are dying?

Good to see you are putting up such a fight.

Aye, they...they can give me something that will string it out for a year, but...

Well then.

I don't want that.

I want to make it up to her. I want her to have the money.

-Anybody see you?

-No.

You've tidied up.

-A tin of that ravioli there, but I chucked the rest.

-Emptied the fridge?

Took the rubbish down at five o'clock this morning.

Amazing the amount of crap you go through.

Four John Denver tapes, eh?

Is that not a cry for help?

Shall we?

Can you pass the...

I want to thank you for doing this.

We've had some laughs, eh?

-You'll be all right without me.

-That's guaranteed, is it?

-I would like to say... You're the best...

-Shall we track on?

You're a giant amongst men.

No, wait.

I haven't thought this through.

I need a photo of the lassie.

I was pished about a year ago, couldn't stand her accusing eyes looking at me.

-Chucked the lot.

-What about this one?

-I don't like it.

Better than anything you've come up with.

Look at her chin, it's massive.

We can cut the chin off, as if she's looking over a wall.

-That's not her branch.

-It's the same frontage.

GARGLING

-Are you all right?

-For fuck's sake! That is what's supposed to happen!

-I'm sorry!

-Get oot the fuckin' road!

You ruined the moment.

All set?

-What is now?

-Maybe you want to put something else on.

I don't think Spain would have worked out anyway.

When you think about it, Malaga,

it's full of pricks like those these days.

It would be much the same as here.

You would have to search high and low for a piece of

scintillating conversation or a whiff of flamenco.

It is basically just a warm Pontins, and who wants that? Full of Germans.

Bronze Nazis. Playing bridge and watching satellite TV.

Banging on about the final solution at the salad bar.

And their donkeys.

The punishing fun runs on the Fuhrer's birthday. On the whole...

SNORING

I found him.

He was holding a picture of you, his last words were...

He said the most important thing was that you got the money.

-You said he died in his sleep.

-After he said that last bit.

Then he had a bit of a snooze, then...passed over.

Look, I'm getting mixed up, I'm upset!

He topped himself.

What can you say? He was a prick!

He did love you, you know. In his prickish way.

MUSIC PLAYS

# I can feel the morning sunlight I can smell the newborn day

# I can hear the voices calling from my golden sky light place... #

Hey. I brought someone to see you.

-Hiya.

-You should have said she was my sister.

Could have saved us all a bit of embarrassment.

Into neutral.

Foot off the accelerator. Off! Foot on the clutch.

The clutch! Into first gear. Clutch, to hear it biting.

Handbrake off.

And away we go.

Good. Yes. Carry on.

MUSIC: Una Paloma Blanca by Demis Roussos

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd