Once upon a Honeymoon

Hello? Hello?

Who?

Just a minute.

-Madam... Madam...

-Yes, Elsa?

-Telephone.

-Is it the fitter?

-No, madam.

-Didn't I say...?

-But, madam, this is a long-distance call from the United States.

Mr, er...

Mr Brooklyn and...Mr B-Bronx.

Oh, yes, Elsa.

-I've been expecting this call. Would you mind leaving the room?

-Yes.

-Quickly.

Hello? Yes, Operator.

This is Katherine Butt-Smith speaking. I've been waiting for this call. Please put it through.

Thank you.

Hello?

Hello, Momma!

Katie O'Hara! What's come over you spending your money like this?

I could buy myself a washing machine with what this is costing you - but what's troubling you, darling?

I'm going to be married, Momma.

Gee! I wish you were here!

I always imagined you'd be at my wedding, Momma!

Is this a hasty marriage, Katie?

Well, he comes from a long line of wealthy Austrian people, Momma, and they're all dead.

He's the sole heir.

Is he good enough for me? He's a baron.

I'll be a baroness, Momma.

I can't understand you wanting to be a baroness.

I knew them highfalutin books you read would do you no good!

You was doing so well in burlesque. You were queen of them all.

Be a baroness if you will,

but I hope I can always say with pride, "There goes the daughter of Flannel Pants O'Hara!"

All right, Momma.

Goodbye, Momma.

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

They're going to connect me.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hello? Where have you been? Madam is waiting for you!

We've been calling! The lady cannot get dressed until she sees you.

-Pardon me. I want to speak to...

-The fitter, I know. Hold the wire now.

Don't you get off that wire.

I've tried three times already!

Just a second. Don't you go away! Madam?

-Yes, Elsa?

-I have the fitter.

Oh?

Where?

-On the telephone.

-Elsa, he should be here,

not on the telephone.

But he's there.

You just don't order clothes the way you do groceries.

Hello? What's delayed you so long?

Miss Butt-Smith?

This is Miss BUTT-Smith speaking!

Pardon me, Miss Butt-Smith.

This is the American Embassy.

I'm afraid there's been a mistake.

The man isn't even a fitter!

Oh, how stupid of me!

And I asked him to come and dress you!

How stupid! I said he should come right over!

-Is it something I should attend to?

-It's about your marriage to an Austrian baron, Miss B...Butt-Smith.

-In an international alliance, there are many technicalities.

-Are you the ambassador?

-No. I'm Mr O'Toole

-of the Foreign Marriage Department.

-Oh...

Have you considered the matter of your American citizenship?

-We'd be glad to send someone over to discuss it with you.

-Well...

If you give me your number, I'll phone you back.

R661382.

R661382?

Very well.

-She thought I was a fitter!

-Yeah? What's she going to do now?

-Call me back.

-Uh-huh? You're dead!

-Why?

-We've tried every way in the book to interview her.

-She is tough - and she's our only chance to pin anything on the baron!

-Is that why you dragged me here?

I'm in Europe as a news commentator, not a legman!

-I broadcast. I'm through snooping for stories.

-This one is big enough!

You show up Baron von Luber as Hitler's undercover man, they'll give you a broadcasting station.

-Is he that important?

-He passes as an Austrian patriot,

but he's Hitler's personal fingerman! I'm sure of it, Pat!

I've been trying to pin it on him for two years, but no dice.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me, it'll be Miss Butt-Smith. Hello?

Is this the American Embassy? HE SPEAKS GERMAN

-Yes.

-I should like to talk to a Mr O'Toole, please.

-What about?

-It's about my fiancee. This is Baron von Luber speaking.

It's the baron.

Well, how do you do, Baron? I take it Miss Butt-Smith...

You're unduly concerned about my future wife's status, Mr O'Toole.

According to United States law, a woman who marries a foreigner retains her American citizenship,

unless she renounces it. Am I right?

Well, yes, of course... but, you see...

Also, Mr O'Toole, it is dangerous for newspapermen to represent themselves as diplomats.

Am I correct? HE SPEAKS GERMAN

Well, I'll admit it was a little clumsy, Baron.

All we wanted was a story.

Mr O'Toole, how long does your visa permit you to remain in Austria?

-For some time! Why?

-Well, I hope your stay here will be pleasant.

Mmm!

Boy! The baron's tough!

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

-He intrigues me.

-I thought he would. You going to work on him?

-Yeah, I am.

-You got an angle?

-Yeah. I have an angle.

Herr Schneider! SHE SPEAKS GERMAN

HE SPEAKS GERMAN Here is the fitter - at last.

Danke schoen.

Guten morgen.

Oh...

This is frightfully annoying!

-Maurice said he was sending someone who spoke English.

-Maurice said...?

-Je suis l'homme.

-Uh?

-I am the man.

-Then, you do speak a little English?

Oh, but certainement.

You are an American girl?

-Yes. Well, shall we get started?

-Excuse me?

-I said shall we get started?

-Ah, oui! Yes.

There.

Ah! Mademoiselle buys most of her wardrobe in New York, n'est-ce pas?

New York? I can't bear New York! I'm a Philadelphia girl.

From an old Philadelphia family.

Er...you need your clothes for your honeymoon, mademoiselle?

Yes.

Merci.

Mademoiselle will be married very soon, hmm?

-Yes.

-Really?

Ah... Yes.

-Might I ask mademoiselle if she will be leaving directly after the ceremony.

-Well...

-Yes.

-Ah.

You, er... Might I ask where you'll be going?

-But why?

-Oh, well...

I must know because of the clothes.

I do not know what the weather will be - hot or cold.

Well, the baron makes all those decisions. I must have clothes of all types. Might we get on a bit?

What?

Oh, pardon... Pardon.

I cannot get it like this...

What does it say?

I can tell you it's 24! It's been 24 for a long time.

Lucky girl!

So sorry...but I got it! I got it!

58, n'est-ce pas?

58?!

-What?

-Centimetres.

It's for the riding habit, the flair.

No riding habit! It's OUR honeymoon! We're not taking the horses!

Well, it would be a little crowded.

Would you mind hurrying? This is getting ridiculous!

SHE GIGGLES

Mademoiselle is ticklish, n'est-ce pas?

Don't worry, mademoiselle.

-Some of my best customers...

-Please!

-Relax, relax.

Yes, yes...

-See here, my man!

-Where?

-Here.

-Ah, yes, yes. It's been doing that lately.

Ever since the duchess.

You see? It has a kink in it. That duchess!

GERMAN ON RADIO

This is important.

But we're not finished.

Yes, but I'm afraid Austria is.

-There is a new Austrian premier. Seyss-Inquart.

-Seyss-Inquart?

He is saying that Austria has decided to go with the Reich...

without even a vote from the people.

My fiance is terribly fond of him.

Ah?

Your future husband is a Nazi?

A Nazi? Oh, dear me, no!

He hates Hitler!

-He hates Hitler, he likes this fellow?

-Oh, yes.

This fellow is giving away his country without asking his people.

SHE TUTS

Can't we have some music?

Oui.

-WALTZ ON RADIO

-That's what I adore about Vienna.

KNOCKING

-Elsa...

-No.

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

HE REPLIES IN BAD GERMAN

KNOCKING

-But who was it?

-Oh, a little man. He's selling insurance.

ELSA SPEAKS GERMAN HE SPEAKS GERMAN

Ah?

Then you are not...?

ELSA LAUGHS

He did not look much like a Schneider!

-Oh, you swindler!

-That's what we're going to talk about. Follow me. ..I'll be with you presently.

24!

-Mr O'Toole?

-Present.

-What do you intend to do with my measurements?

Well, I feel a little silly about that. I'm supposed to investigate facts, not figures.

I came here to get a great story. All I got was your measurements...

-It'll be a good story, since I've never been intimate with the press.

-There's interest in your marriage.

-I've got to get a photograph of the baron!

-Mr O'Toole, perhaps I haven't made myself clear.

-Not only will there be no interview, but the baron will be delighted...

-Wait a minute!

-You weren't ever in show business, were you?

-Do you mean the theatre?

Yes, the theatre.

Isn't that funny?

I saw a girl in a show, just OFF Broadway...

She did one of those...

One, two, three...

One, two, three...

One, two, three... Zip!

-Couldn't have been you?

-Dear me, no. Hardly.

-Of course, it couldn't have been you on account of your name being Miss Butt-Smith.

-Butt-Smith!

B-U-T-T.

I'm sorry to pry into your affairs, Miss...

How can you do that? You wouldn't say Connecticutt, would you?

"Connecticutt"!

-May I have some bread and buter?

-Mr O'Toole...

-People would laugh!

This utter nonsense is at an end!

Break down! Give me the story.

I warn you - the baron is a very influential figure and has powerful connections. Now, stop it!

If you persist in this cheap attempt to...

-KNOCKING

-Come in! ..I assure you, he might make things uncomfortable for you,

and, what's more, he's expected at any moment...

-isn't he, Elsa?

-No, madam.

He's here. And he wants to see you right away.

And he...

shouldn't be here.

You go on in. I'll co-operate.

-Oh, this is rather awkward.

-Don't be alarmed. He wouldn't come in here.

Darling, you're early!

Forgive me, my dear. I have to change all our plans.

-Hitler's already here.

-Oh? How distressing.

-We have to leave now.

-I was able to get train reservations...

-But...

-Please!

-This is an emergency.

-Well, it most certainly is!

I'm forced to leave without clothes! What about my fitter?

That's the fitter?

THEY SPEAK GERMAN

How long will it take you to dress?

-What about my clothes?

-I've cancelled them.

Are you cancelling our wedding too?

No, my love. We'll be married in Czechoslovakia.

Now, see here, Liebling, I'm not quite sure I approve of this,

merely because Austria has fallen or Hitler is here or whatever it is...

I am fully aware of the American mania for respectability.

Separate compartments.

-Separate compartments?

-Mm-hm.

I might insist upon separate trains!

That might be overdoing it!

-Pack a few things, Elsa. The baron and I are leaving Vienna.

-Yes, madam.

Told you I'd co-operate.

What happened with the wedding?

-Don't let this fellow slip anything over on you.

-Don't worry, Mr O'Toole. I'm sure I'll manage.

-Just a few things for my immediate needs, Elsa.

-Yes, madam.

CROWD SHOUTING

Hey! Hitler is here.

I can't see him now. I'm dressing.

Herr Baron! Hitler is here!

He is here!

Heil Hitler!

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

SHE SPEAKS GERMAN

-Elsa, would you fetch my jewels from the safe?

-Yes, madam.

SHE SPEAKS GERMAN

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler!

You know, I've been thinking... marriage is a serious thing.

-I would want a girl with your background...

-Thank you.

-I appreciate your interest.

-I've a good mind to cable your family...in Philadelphia.

Do you always take this much interest in your, er, stories?

No...

-This is different.

-How?

-Well...

-Oh.

Allow me.

-Nice.

-Mmm.

Stand there a moment, will you? Let me admire you.

-Ah...

-GLASS SMASHES

Pardon me.

Trustworthy fellow! Mr O'Toole, I shall have to ask you for that picture.

CRUNCHING

DOOR OPENS

-Your jewels, madam.

-Thank you, Elsa. Pack that, please.

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

-I still don't see how a lovely creature with your possibilities...

-You're a newspaperman?

-Yeah.

-Why?

That's what I wanted to be.

It's that simple. Goodbye.

Just a minute. One last look.

I want to always remember you just the way you look tonight...

today.

-Beautiful, isn't she, Elsa?

-Yes.

And you are beautiful too.

Goodbye, Elsa.

ELSA SPEAKS GERMAN

-That swindler!

-That's right.

Goodbye, Mr O'Toole.

On the Fuhrer!

Oh! For me?

-THEY SPEAK GERMAN

-How charming! Thank you, gentlemen.

How sweet.

-Ow!

-I'm so sorry.

Can you imagine anything worse than being shot at on your honeymoon?

Yes! The bullet might have gone through your heart.

They ought to be ashamed - after what we spent in Czechoslovakia!

You're really worried, darling?

If it had been a German, that's one thing, but a Czech...

-That poor, confused man...

-Mmm...

And you were so noble about it, too.

You kept it from the press and hired two men to whisk him away before the police arrived.

-You know my aversion to publicity.

-You're right, but there are limits.

Could you hold it?

Liebling, promise me you won't try to save any more countries.

Do you really feel you must help the Poles?

Uh-huh.

-Mmm?

-Yes, I do, definitely.

BRAKES HISS

-That must be the Polish border.

-Yes?

-KNOCKING

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

-What do they want?

-To know how much money we're taking out the country. Where's your purse?

-Mmm?

-Your purse.

Show it to them. Don't worry.

-Must they?

-It's only a formality. See?

-Oh.

-They're strict about not taking too much money out of the country. HE SPEAKS GERMAN

Katherine, this is serious. What in heaven's name...?

I merely returned those furs. I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

I thought they were rather... bulky travelling,

that it would be much simpler just to carry the money...

-You look surprised.

-I am surprised. And they are surprised too. See? THEY SPEAK GERMAN

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

I have to do a lot of explaining.

I'm so sorry.

KNOCKING

-Hi, Butt!

-Baroness.

Always correcting me.

What does your husband mean by trying to sneak money across the border?

-Or are you a smuggler?

-The baron will manage that.

I bet! How's his injury? That shot almost put you back in circulation, didn't it?

You rather have your ear to the ground, Mr O'Toole.

I have to... You haven't heard, have you? I'm now a radio news analyst.

Knows all, sees all, tells all!

There are things I'd like to talk over with you.

-Where are you staying in Warsaw?

-That's none of your business.

-Don't worry. I'll find you!

I'll do my best to break up this thing between you and the baron - for your own good.

-TRAIN WHISTLE

-He must've fixed it - we're off.

He probably convinced them you didn't know what you were doing! I better get back to my saxophone.

I'm travelling with a saxophone.

It gets a little lonely now and again, just me and my saxophone. You'll be hearing from me.

All right, darling?

It's all fixed up.

I told them you didn't know what you were doing.

Darling, be careful of your arm!

-That's all right.

-Where's the money?

Now, now... SAXOPHONE STARTS UP

Don't worry your pretty little head about money.

SHE LAUGHS

What's funny?

I hope that won't keep up all night.

SAX STARTS UP AGAIN

Oh!

THEY SPEAK POLISH

So I got the radio tied up.

They're giving us the short wave to New York via Norway.

I told them we'd a great personality to dramatise the news! That's you! You're hotter than two pistols.

This is your big opportunity...

Excuse me, Chief. I'll see you later.

Well, well, Baroness. Heil!

I told you I'd find you.

Wouldn't you just know I'd find her?

Now that you've found me, what do you have to tell me?

-Don't you want a little snifter?

-What?

-A little snort?

-A drink?

-Yes.

-A little something. What's that gentleman drinking?

-Vodka.

-Looks like water.

-Well, vodka is the Polish name for water.

Oh, of course. I haven't mastered Polish yet.

-A plain glass of vodka for me.

-I'll have a jigger of brandy in plain vodka.

Me too! I'd like to try that!

I stayed awake all night on the train, thinking about you.

-Yes, I know.

-Yes. Well, now that we're together again...

Look, if you're really in love with your husband, I'll stop now.

Do go on, Mr O'Toole.

I think I can still be curious.

I just wanted to convince you you've made a terrible mistake.

I won't give up till you give in.

-Is that what you had to tell me?

-No, that was supposed to come later.

What's up with your husband and General Borelski?

I don't know. I don't discuss business with the baron.

Baroness, you should, you should.

-Waiter, these took a long time. You better pour two more.

-Two more?

-Brandy and vodka?

-Mm-hm.

Mmm! How very refreshing!

How did you know the baron was seeing General Borelski?

I didn't.

Ah!

Ah, that's fine!

Put one of these in the hands of each civilian

and you could hold a city for weeks, for months, perhaps.

I'll see to these at once.

I'll order a test of this gun.

If you do buy them, don't involve me. By remaining unknown, I can still be useful.

I understand. I shall take full responsibility.

Your father loved freedom!

He hated bullies and tyrants.

He would have been very proud of you!

Thank you, Uncle!

You know, Baroness, the more I think of it...

the more ungentlemanly of me it was.

What?

Getting you tight.

-I'm all right. Shall we have another?

-No!

You don't understand.

Vodka isn't just plain water.

It's plain alcohol!

-Plain murder!

-Shh!

-Sorry!

-I'm all right.

-My faculties are well in hand, Mr O'Toole.

-That's what you think.

What you told me about my husband might account for my sobriety.

You're sure what you said is true?

Sure, sure, I'm sure.

I just wanted to tell you, that's all. He is what is known as an international termite.

-Yes, I know. You said that before.

-Said that before...

-Many times.

Hello, Zipsy! Hello, Zipsy!

-What's Zipsy?

-Zipsy?

That's the girl I was telling you about in the show off Broadway.

Zipsy. What was her last name?

You're quite determined, aren't you?

You're rather intoxicated.

You too are a little tipsy, Zipsy!

Look here, Zip, up to now, life has got you over a barrel.

Don't you let it throw you!

I won't. You see, I don't agree with you.

Life is what you make it.

-Life can be bright and beautiful, sunshine and daffodils...

-Yes...

-I agree with Browning, Robert Browning...

-Thank you(!)

The lark's on the wing The snail's on the thorn

God's in his heaven All's right with the world.

That is a truly remarkable bit of philosophy, Baroness,

coming at a time like this when the whole world's going behind a cloud.

You're just cynical! You've probably been reading Schopenhauer.

He's a very cynical man...

-very sad...

-Very cynical.

I don't have to read Schopenhauer to know that the whole human race is messing it up.

It's just like you, Baroness - you messed it up something awful.

I think not.

I believe this above all - to thine own self be true,

and it must follow, as the night the day,

thou canst not then be false to any man.

-Mm-hm...

-Shakespeare.

-Well, that's more like it.

Now we're getting somewhere. Listen to this.

Don't wait too long building castles in the sky,

for while you're waiting, time will fly.

Love songs are best when they're sung

In the springtime when ev'rything's young

So don't wait too long

or happiness may pass you by.

Irving Berlin.

Mr O'Toole,

I believe I had better go now.

I take it I was right, General?

How did you know this?

-Well, that's my business.

-How did you know those guns were no good?

I knew the man who sold them to you was no good.

-Von Luber, wasn't it?

-You know von Luber?

A little. I know his wife better.

Mr O'Toole, you have stumbled on a plot to destroy Poland.

I shall be court-martialled for this, ruined.

-General, you're innocent.

-I can prove my innocence,

but I can never disprove my stupidity.

-That's why I sent you the wire. I knew you were in a tough spot. If the story breaks...

-It can't!

We are still negotiating with the Germans. I must warn the foreign minister, reach him tonight.

What about von Luber, sir? You're going to shoot him, aren't you?

Von Luber must talk first. He's the only man who can clear me.

Don't forget - you're the only man who can convict him, so I'd be careful crossing the street, sir.

I have ordered his arrest.

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

The German ambassador and his attache are on their way up.

-What on earth for?

-We're making one last effort to save Poland.

-There's something...

-KNOCKING

Here they are.

THEY SPEAK GERMAN

Darling...I wouldn't trust those two swastikas any further than you could throw Goering!

Darling, these gentlemen speak English.

May I present the German ambassador Excellence von Kelman and Captain Kleinoch, military attache.

My wife. Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd like to go in the other room.

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

Won't you sit down?

-Thank you.

-What's this - playing cops and robbers?

-We try to avoid war.

Captain von Kleinoch, my husband seems to be a jinx.

Every time we go to a new country,

it falls...

Ja, ja...!

HE SPEAKS GERMAN Heil Hitler!

It may be amusing to you, but not to me!

I'm supposed to be on a honeymoon.

Oh, honeymoon!

-When the war is over...

-Yes?

-I mean, when this excitement is over,

I'll go on a honeymoon too!

-Oh?

-See?

-Here is my girl. In Hamburg.

-She's quite pretty.

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

The ambassador wishes for me to have the honour to escort General Borelski from the airport.

Only the Nazis give young men such opportunities. Heil!

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

What happened? That telephone call upset you.

It did, slightly.

The police are here to arrest me.

The police? Whatever for?

-Suspicion, that's all.

-Of what?

-They have no proof. There won't be anyone to testify against me.

-No?

-No.

You're quite sure?

General, don't forget what I told you about crossing streets.

-Remember - there's still hope for peace. Good night.

-Good night.

THEY SPEAK GERMAN

General! General!

Hitler?

Hitler!

-Anna! Anna!

-Good morning, madam.

Can you tell me what this says about General Borelski?

-He was murdered!

-Murdered?

-Yes, madam. He was murdered with the German attache.

-But it can't be...

-People say the Germans did it.

The Germans!

But the Germans couldn't have when one of their own men was killed.

That nice young man who was here last night.

Hitler has millions of young men. He sacrifices them as he sees fit.

I see!

Poland like Austria has been betrayed from within.

Foreign agents, fifth columnists and saboteurs are like maggots in the country's defences...

-KNOCKING

-Come in.

Hello, Baroness.

I'm about three weeks late seeing you.

But it's good to see you. How do you feel?

Oh... How are you?

Tired. Do you mind?

-No.

-Somebody stuck a stretcher in my hand a couple of nights ago and I've been carrying it ever since.

-It's awfully nice to see you.

-You look as if you've been through a lot yourself around here.

I have.

-I've been without funds.

-That's why you, er...

I thought you'd have left long ago.

Well, my jewels are downstairs in a box.

Hotel wouldn't let me have them. Don't know why - they are my jewels! Personal...

-Ever hear of such a thing?

-No. Never heard of such a thing. What will you do about it?

Oh, I...

I've got them now.

-Oh...!

-They sent a credit manager or some sort of chap over to see the baron.

-In jail.

-Yes, he's in jail. Everything's all settled now.

-Well, how's his credit now?

-Oh, it's very good.

Yeah? Well, let's eat and talk it over.

-All I wanted to find out was about the guy's credit.

-Where are you going?

-Room service!

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

-What would you like? What would

-I

-like to eat, mmm?

A big thick porterhouse steak, like that, medium?

Porterhouse steak medium, please.

-A green vegetable? Asparagus?

-Mm-hm.

-Asparagus for two, please!

-Well... Hollandaise?

-Uh-huh.

-With Hollandaise.

-How about mushrooms? They're good here.

-Uh-huh!

Yes, mushrooms. Do you want coffee or tea? I don't care. Either. Coffee.

Large hot pot of coffee!

Something to drink after? Vodka? Brandy?

No, that's all. Merci.

-Mr O'Toole, the food is here.

-Coming.

Oh...!

-Hello...

-Hello.

Your husband, he is back, madam?

No...er...

A very close friend of the baron. He's just freshening up.

I said make yourself at home - I didn't say take a bath!

But that hot water was so refreshing!

Oh, a nice big porterhouse steak!

No, no steak...

What's that?

Meatballs.

A good sleep would do me more good!

Oh... Money.

Thank you, monsieur.

Keep quiet in here. I'm not kidding - I'm a tired man.

Mutter! Mutter!

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

They're frightened of the Germans. They came to find me.

Why, they're trembling.

-Why should you be so frightened?

-We're Jewish.

They remember how it was in Germany.

Oh...

Maybe I can help. There's a truck downstairs that's leaving soon.

But the border, we could never cross...

HE SPEAKS GERMAN It says Jew on my passport.

We'll never get out.

Oh, yes, you can.

I think so.

The skirt's a bit long in the back, but you can fix it later. Let's see.

Oh, dear, no! The hat's supposed to be like that. Here's the pin.

Now, here's my permit...and my passport with your picture on it.

And enough money to take you a long way from here.

There now... Here.

-There...

-HE SPEAKS GERMAN

-He says I'm pretty!

-Of course she is.

-When they ask your name, what do you say?

-Katherine Butt-Smith.

-Oh, all right! Hurry!

THEY SPEAK GERMAN

-Goodbye.

-Auf Wiedersehen.

-Goodbye.

-Auf Wiedersehen.

-Goodbye.

Goodbye. Thank you.

Go someplace where it's safe.

Where? TRUCK STARTS

GIRL: Auf Wiedersehen. BOY: Auf Wiedersehen.

Hello.

Hello.

-I was dreaming about you.

-You were?

A beautiful dream.

Your last name.

O'Hara, right?

Right.

O'Toole, O'Hara.

O... O...

Oh-oh!

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Hello, madam? I thought you might like to know - your husband, the baron is on his way up.

He has to walk. The elevator is broken.

HE LAUGHS

-Oh-oh!

-What?

-The baron's on his way up.

-Oh-oh!

Let's go to my hotel where we can talk.

PLANE OVERHEAD

You're looking at a ruined man.

No money, no wallet, no passport.

Nothing, but O'Hara.

Sorry I can't invite you up...

-What's that?

-The Poles bombing the Germans.

-Why?

Do you have to know now? I'll explain it later!

-Hello, Ed. This is Mr Cumberland.

-Don't get up.

-How do you do? Pat has often...

-We've got a problem.

The baroness is wise to her husband. She isn't going back to him.

-It's about time. I'm sure Madam Borelski would agree with you.

-She's got to get away from him.

If I could get a plane or something.

It would have to be something. There are no planes.

-Mmm.

-I can't stay here. He'll have the whole Gestapo looking for me.

We'll put a stop to that. Why can't you put her name on a casualty list?

-Then he won't have any reason to look for her.

-Yes, we could do that.

-Good.

-You mean...the baroness is dead?

Yeah.

Long live O'Hara!

What do we use for identification?

-What?

-Huh?

-What do we use for identification?

-Oh...

-Have you got any jewellery?

-Jewellery?

-Oh, Ed!

-What's the matter?

-Must it be jewellery?

It has to be something convincing.

-My handkerchief.

-Uh-uh.

-Got my initials on it.

-Uh-uh-uh.

-What do you think?

-Stop it!

Here.

Why, you little...

Here. If you give this up, the baron will know it was over your dead body!

-Here, Ed.

-OK...

I'll handle it. When are you coming over to the office?

-Soon. Someone ought to stay with the baroness.

-I'll run her obituary.

-You couldn't take...?

-Stop it!

-Then I'll go and console the baron.

-Got you.

You'll need that to cry with.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Sit down.

Straighten me out on one point.

You should've got out of here long ago. Why didn't you? Wasn't on account of me, was it?

Not exactly.

I didn't think so.

You see, I...

gave my permit and passport away.

What?! You gave your permit...?

-What for?

-Can't you get me another one?

How can I get you another one?

-Well...

-Besides, you're dead now!

Maybe the baroness and Katherine Butt-Smith are,

but not O'Hara!

That's right!

Not O'Hara!

Look...

-I'm confused. Nobody else could use your passport.

-Yes, she can.

-She - who?

-The maid.

-What maid?

-At the hotel.

-How on earth...?

-I fixed it so she could.

-How?

I took my picture off and pasted her picture on my passport

with the aid of a little chewing gum...

-A forger too!

-Pretty good too!

-Sure.

-While I was at it, I added the names of her two little children.

A little boy and a little girl - Jacob and Sarah.

I get it. They were Jewish, huh?

Hmm.

Shake, O'Hara! The new O'Hara! I'm proud of you.

-With any luck, they'll be safe now.

-THEY'll be safe!

-You haven't any passport. When you get one for yourself, get one for me.

-Just order two?

-Yeah.

-Just like that?

-Mmm.

-Oh!

What?

What do you want?

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

He's right! Don't keep doing that. It isn't funny.

-HE SPEAKS GERMAN

-Patrick O'Toole. Why?

I lost my passport in the fire. This is my wife. O'Toole won't let you down.

-HE SPEAKS GERMAN

-Meine frau!

-Ja!

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

-What's he doing - guessing your weight?

-He's looking for passports. ..We haven't got passports!

We haven't got passports! Stop it!

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

Anna Sarah Bechstein. Juden.

-It's my maid.

-Don't you ever throw anything away?

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

Nein! My name is O'Toole! Her name's O'Toole! Mr and Mrs Patrick O'Toole!

-What's the trouble?

-He thinks we're Jewish! This could be serious!

Bermann.

Bernstein.

-Bechstein.

-Here.

-Bechstein.

-Here.

Oswald.

Udermann.

This is terrible.

Can't anybody help us?

They won't let me telephone or even write.

I demanded to see the American consul - they laughed.

Mmm... We've got to get out of here some way.

I've got work to do. I've been getting my war news by following your honeymoon.

Where did the baron plan to go next?

Norway, where we'd be house guests of the Quislings.

-Ever hear of them?

-No, but I probably will.

Norway? That's where I should be.

We're really in a mess, aren't we?

Now, O'Hara, what about these people?

RABBI CHANTS

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

Juden Bechstein.

-My name's O'Toole!

-HE SPEAKS GERMAN

THEY SPEAK GERMAN

What do they want with us?

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

What's he talking about?

He says there are Nazis in there who decide whether or not they're going to let people have children.

You mean it's up to Hitler who can have babies and who can't?

Yes. It used to be the will of God!

Hitler doesn't like that.

Too many people might be born who wouldn't agree with him.

-Shame his mother didn't think of it.

-Hmm.

-Do you think they...?

-They might. The New Order would stop at nothing.

What are you laughing at?

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

-Mmm?

-Oh...

The other door.

Oh...

-What goes on in here?

-Let's go in and find out.

This is your American consul.

-Oh!

-Well...

-Mr O'Hara?

-No, I'm O'Toole.

-I'm O'Hara.

-Oh...

-It seems there's been a little mix-up.

-There was.

-Not any more!

-You're glad to see me?

-You can say that again!

I'm sure you will be pleased with conditions in Norway.

I know I will, Mr Quisling.

-We got out of Norway just in time!

-I hope we get to Holland before it's too late.

-I'm worried. We're in dangerous waters.

-Don't worry.

We're on a neutral ship.

EXPLOSION

O'Hara! Never mind your jewels! Get back in the boat!

-Oui?

-We were sent by the American consul for passport pictures.

I have been expecting you. Entrez, s'il vous plait.

How come the American consulate sent us all the way over here?

I do a lot of work for them. Sit up.

-Voila!

-Is that all? Can I go now?

-Oui.

-When will they be ready?

-In about an hour.

-It'll take her that long to get her hair done!

-Can she stay here? Can you give her a book or something?

-Oui.

-She can read(!)

-Where...?

-I've got to go.

-Where are you going?

-I've got some things to do.

-Can't you stand being away from me for just an hour?

-I'll try...

But why?

If you must know, the back pay I got is burning a hole in my pocket!

-I want to do some shopping.

-Now?

-Yes, now!

It's only for a little while. I'll wrap up warmly, I promise.

You'll be all right?

SHOP BELL

Hold still, please. Tilt your head. No smile.

I agree with my Irish friend.

Since you do so much business for the consulate, you should be closer.

-I'm very close to the government as it is.

-I beg your pardon. What did you say?

-I'm very close to the government as it is.

-You're no Frenchman!

No.

My country is your country, Baroness von Luber.

I am what you call a...

You're an...

undercover agent.

SHOP BELL Le Blanc?

-Oui. Tout de suite.

-What am I getting myself into?

Will you wait in here, please?

THEY SPEAK GERMAN

BOTH: Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler!

SHOP BELL

-So you're the wife of Baron von Luber?

-Yeah. How do you know?

When you told the consulate you were married to von Luber, it was like ringing a burglar alarm.

-I don't understand. Why don't you take the picture and let it go at that?

-All right. I will.

Sit up straight, please.

There. Baroness, we've got to talk fast. Your friend will be back soon.

-You know your husband's working for Hitler.

-I've found that out.

-So are you! I heard you with those Nazis!

-They are in the Gestapo...

What does that make you? You were awful pally with them!

-I have to keep in their confidence.

-You do?

-I'm losing yours!

-Darned tootin'!

-Let's understand each other. You're American. So am I.

-Well, I am.

-You don't believe me?

-Uh-uh.

-I'll have to convince you.

-I'll tell you about myself.

-You'd have to go back to when you were a little boy.

-All right - I will!

I was born in Germany.

As a little boy, we went to America and became American citizens.

As a big boy, I went to Heidelberg to be educated. The Germans got the idea of making a spy of out me.

I communicated with my parents who'd become good Americans.

They communicated with the State Department who thought I could be useful.

So now I'm a spy for Uncle Sam, passing as a Frenchman, being paid by the Germans.

-No income tax!

-But wait - we're getting way off the track!

You say when you were a little boy, you went to America...

Right about there I got stuck.

Where did you live?

Honey,

I wasn't born in old Kentucky, but I was raised in Tennessee.

-If you don't like my peaches, don't you shake my tree! Then we moved to Texas.

-Oh?

Oh, si, si! We lived just north of the border,

by the Rio Grande, down Mexico way. HE SPEAKS SPANISH

-SHE REPLIES IN SPANISH

-Then, maybe, you hear of my sister's neck?

Si, si! Your sister's neck! She fell in the river up to it.

But you know about my mother.

-My mother make more better tortillas than your mother!

-I don't think so!

-You show me your mother!

-Oh, si, si!

THEY LAUGH

Vos you ever in Minnesota vere it been so cold?

Oh, ja!

I take my best girl for a picnic.

After lunch, I ask her if she wants to take a walk with me in the woods. Do you know why she says no?

Ja, because it wasn't her first picnic!

THEY LAUGH

-Now do you believe I'm on the square?

-Yeah.

Yeah, but being on the square today, brother, ain't what it used to be. Your jabber don't jive.

-Jive?

-Cos if you're on the square, you're like the bear...

..and the bear's nowhere,

but it won't take long to replete you with a zoot suit and a stuffed cup and get you back on the beam!

-Huh?

-Don't that make you hep? Ain't you plugged in or am I just beating my gums?

The lingo's passed me by. Where were you born?

-Parkside Avenue, Brooklyn.

-Near Ebbets Field?

Foul balls used to light in my back yard!

What a ball team!

Dem lovely Bums! Hmmm...

-It's a great country.

-And you do love it, don't you?

I can't wait to get back and see that lady,

-you know that lady that stands in the harbour...?

-Hold it.

Say this with me.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America...

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America...

And to the republic for which it stands...

And to the republic for which it stands...

-One nation, indivisible...

-One nation, indivisible...

-With liberty and justice...

-With liberty and justice...

-..For all.

-..For all.

Now you're in business -

with me.

I've got a job for you. Conditions are serious.

Seven countries have already fallen,

and, believe me, France is gone.

Hitler has broadcast that he would never attack us, that the idea is as fantastic as his attacking Mars.

We've got to find out if he means it. Your husband knows. He's here.

You've got to go back to him and find out. I know it won't be easy.

But as you love your country, will you do this?

SHOP BELL

Hello! I found a nice little shop...

and, er...

-Regardez.

-Where on earth did you get that?

Best I could do in a hurry.

It's short, but I'll get it fixed later. I got you a few things too.

You shouldn't have, Mr O.

That's me - scattering sunshine as I go along.

-Where's that fellow - Snapshot?

-In there.

Oh, good.

-Hey, Snapshot.

-Oui?

The darkroom? Hope I didn't spoil anything. Have you got a place where Miss O'Hara could change?

-HE SPEAKS FRENCH

-Good. Thanks.

Nice, accommodating fellow.

Come on! Hurry! Get into those things! We've got places to go.

Open them up, so you can say, "Just what I needed!"

-Hello.

-Hello.

Come on!

Don't go away.

Who's going away?

I'll wait down here.

-Oh, they're ready?

-Oui.

-How much?

-40 francs.

Here.

I don't mean to offend you, but would you mind keeping the...?

Merci.

Well!

What a difference!

Those clothes made a new person of you.

When I came back, I thought you were down in the dumps.

-I'm all right now.

-That's more like it.

-Doesn't she look radiant? Look at that light in her eyes.

-Oui.

-I've planned a wonderful evening for you.

-You have? Well, shall we go?

Sure.

-Goodbye.

-Bye.

-Au revoir.

-Bye.

-Au revoir.

-Bye.

-Champagne?

-All right.

-HE SPEAKS FRENCH

Er...I've been holding out on you.

Tomorrow, we're leaving for Bordeaux.

You mean...we're sailing?

Er, well, no...

I've had an offer to do three important broadcasts from there - and then we'll go home.

I'll be a man of some repute,

in line for promotion. Might write a book or something. It's in the air.

What's the matter?

I know how anxious you are to get home.

It's only about ten more days. Would you mind that very much?

Uh-uh.

Good.

Well, then, it's all settled.

Tomorrow, we leave for Bordeaux.

By the way...

what are your plans on reaching our shores?

I mean, besides seeing your mother?

Oh...

I...had planned to give her riding lessons on a ranch...

near Reno...

You're looking at a contented man.

Why?

You'd have to go back a long way to explain that,

back to when destiny threw us together.

I was attracted, but so differently.

I was attracted more or less by...

By, er, my measurements?

That's the idea!

Yes, yes, you were lovely of form and face,

but I had the feeling that if a gnat dove into your pool of knowledge, he'd have broken his neck!

I found out there was more to you.

I found myself wishing you were mine...and you're not,

because, you see, I want you to be mine always.

I can hardly wait for you, for your mother to win her spurs on that ranch near Reno,

cos it's hard to go on supposing.

Let's suppose, like, everything, Pat, just for tonight...

Suppose I've just come back from Reno...

Well, then...

I'd come down out of the clouds just long enough to take you in my arms and say...

"I love you, O'Hara."

Here's your champagne, monsieur.

Hmm?

Did you just stand inside and wait for the wrong moment to come out?

Oui, monsieur.

-Well...

-To what?

You think of it, Pat. I can't.

To our future, darling! What else?

Let's get serious for a second. I need to tell you something.

-About you?

-There's something you must know.

-Wait a minute...

Look, Miss O, do you mind not breaking the spell I'm under?

Tonight the stars are bright, the moon is aglow.

Soon we'll sail for home. I can see happiness ahead for both of us.

What I don't know won't hurt me.

I'm not interested in the past.

Besides, it's my birthday! Nothing must mar my happiness!

-Well, happy birthday, Mr O!

-That's more like it!

What's come over you?

Me? I'm a changed man.

I actually find myself now with a silly thing called ambition.

I could swear it was for you.

-I want to do things.

-You will too.

-Why, sure I will!

I even found myself the other night trying to write some poetry!

-Did you do it?

-Oh, yes, I did it.

-Well...

-It's not so good. The thought's not bad, though.

How did it go?

You read it.

It proves one thing - the man's in love!

Let's make our love song One that will live

Let's make it one That'll forget and forgive

As life shadows lengthen Over the years

Our love will strengthen Through laughter and tears

I will know your thoughts You will know mine

Without ever a word Without ever a sign

We will know what is deep In each other's heart

We will know for it must be

Till death do us part.

-Why, it's beautiful!

-Thank you very much. I didn't mean for it to do that to you.

-Promise I won't write any more!

-It's beautiful. May I...?

-May I keep it?

-Certainly.

Cheer up! This is our only night in Paris! We've got to be happy!

-Here!

-Our only night!

And no matter what happens, nothing must spoil it.

This might spoil it - it's raining!

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! We mustn't let it...

..cos nothing in this world can keep us from supposing tonight.

Because we're supposed to be supposing, darling.

That's mighty nice supposing, Miss O.

-You saw her go out?

-Oui, monsieur.

She left very early. She said she was not coming back.

Then she wrote something...

tore it up...

and went away.

Didn't she say anything else?

Oh, monsieur, she was crying.

Well... Thank you.

Merci.

-Tell me, Waiter, is it true that if you sit here long enough, you see everyone you ever knew?

-Very true.

I bet you didn't expect to see these so-and-sos here, did you?

No, no...

You also see a lot of people you don't want to know.

How right you are!

Well, well... Hello, Baron.

I beg your pardon?

That's right. I forgot. You don't know me.

I'm Patrick O'Toole.

So you're Patrick O'Toole?

-That's right.

-How do you know me?

I was supposed to cover your wedding in Vienna that happened in Prague.

-I remember - we had a telephone conversation.

-Yes.

-I enlightened you on the law about US citizenship.

Then I was in Warsaw when they threw you in the can.

Did I say something wrong?

Oh, no. I was just admiring your nerve.

-Mmm.

-What are you doing now?

Are you covering the war?

I was a pretty good radio commentator until you birds came along and put me out of business.

That's too bad. I have a little influence in radio. Perhaps I can help you.

We're considering a short-wave broadcast to the Americas

to explain more fully the German viewpoint.

-You wouldn't like my stuff.

-I would if I collaborated with you.

-Oh, yeah?

-What'll we drink to? I see you've had several.

Yeah.

I'm what is known in America as carrying the torch.

In fact, I've swallowed it.

Got a little heartburn. Lost my girl.

That's too bad. Let's drink to you finding her again.

That I'll do!

You ought to know how I feel, Baron. You lost your wife.

Yes.

But here's a bit of news for you - I found her again.

Hmm... I thought she'd died in Warsaw.

So did I...

until, suddenly, she reappeared from nowhere.

Can you imagine my shock?

Poor little pigeon. She must've had some hair-raising experiences.

Almost unbelievable...

-She had to make her way through Norway, Holland, Belgium...

-All by herself?

Practically, yes.

Well... Then, I suppose she must be very happy now.

No, not exactly.

She's changed...

probably due to the hair-raising experiences she's had.

She is none too happy.

-Why not?

-She thinks I don't trust her.

-Hmm...

-Probably a guilty conscience.

Why do you say that?

-Her story is full of discrepancies.

-Like, for instance?

Like, for instance... travelling alone.

Well, if I didn't trust a woman, Baron, I'd throw her out.

Oh, no! Not Katherine!

Oh, you don't know her.

Oh, she can be so intriguing, so exciting,

so very, very desirable.

Yeah...

Well, then, what makes you so suspicious?

She asks so many subtle, leading questions.

She tries to read my mind. If she can't read my mind, she reads my mail.

You could put a stop to that!

I may have to, but it will be awkward.

It would mean turning her over to the custody of the political police.

-You mean eliminate her?

-Oh...!

-Put quicklime in her bath salts,

-a bomb in her boudoir?

-Mmm...

What are you driving at?

Mr O'Toole, I want you to broadcast to America.

Not only will you be extremely well paid, but you will be known as the voice of Europe.

You'll be famous.

You'll turn out to be an authority on international affairs and write a book called Inside Something...

And if I don't?

I think I understand what you mean.

That's nice.

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

I'm sorry. I have to leave you.

Here's my card...which will pass you through to my office.

Just a minute, Baron.

You know, she's an American. I'm an American too.

-You said just about enough for me to...

-To do what?

Turn the matter over to my embassy!

The brandy must've dulled your wits, Mr O'Toole.

The little girl in question was killed during an air raid in Warsaw.

Some stupid American newspaperman established the fact for me.

Now, she doesn't exist. She's dead.

Only you and I know how very much alive she is.

Auf Wiedersehen.

So you had the bright idea of sending her back to the baron?

-Who better to find out his plans?

-Couldn't you have had a better idea? Couldn't she have done it by phone?

She was going to be my wife!

Look here, old man, where's your patriotism?

Well, thinking of her with him isn't helping it any!

Leave my patriotism out of this!

I don't mind giving up coffee and sugar... What man ever said, "I have but one wife to give to my country"?

I might take this up with my country, get an injunction!

Look here, not so loud.

Not so loud! I always talk loud when I'm mad!

-You're lucky I don't jump up and down! This could make a man a Republican!

-Quiet!

Quiet! I like the way you get patriotic with someone else's girl!

I bet I could get patriotic with your girl!

Cool off! I was trailing the baron and overheard everything. You too can be of service to your country.

I've got nobody to go back to!

Can't you accept their job and double-cross them at the same time?

-I might find an angle.

-You must!

In the interests of our country and for the peace of the world.

When the rest of the world is at peace, I'll still be unhappy!

I don't mind doing the broadcasting, but I'll never forgive you for making a spy out of O'Hara.

I've heard everything! Mata O'Hara.

Mata O'Hara! She couldn't spy her way through a knothole!

What are you laughing at?

Stop the man and find me a drink!

I'll rehearse this as much as you want, but do you mind if I use my own words?

-I'll get the sense of it.

-No, I want...

-You don't want it to sound like I've got a gun in my back!

-No.

- It must be full of... - Shpontanuity.

Shpontanuity.

I think I see what you mean. Listen to this.

Hitler has nothing but admiration for America!

-To the nations of the New World, his friendship knows no bounds.

-Uh-uh...

Nein! Nein!

I know, I know!

-Look, bounds, boundaries... Uh-uh.

-Oh...

I'll try something else.

His friendship will stop at nothing!

Nein! I know!

-You can't say that.

-No?

THEY SPEAK GERMAN

Why don't you say our friendship is real because we have so many common interests.

-Such as what?

-Oh, never mind what! Just say it.

-You can't do business with Americans that way. They want to know what you're selling.

-All right...

Tell them in dollars and cents.

Tell them - you need our lenses for your cameras, our toys for your children...

And you'll buy our steel to make the toys with.

THEY SPEAK GERMAN

-Don't worry. I'll get that in. I'll do the end.

-But with real sincerity!

-Now listen...

Conditions are wonderful in Europe

and, contrary to general opinion, the Germans have no designs on us!

Tell all workers in the factories and the fields, tell our armed forces on land and sea...

and in the air...

and, by all means, tell it to the marines!

-Marines?

-I had to put them in or they'd be offended.

-Those marines!

-That's good.

-Yeah?

Look, there's another thing. THEY SPEAK GERMAN

You see, Mr O'Toole, I was just thinking...

you might drop a little remark about me, just here and there.

When you speak of Hitler and Goering, it's so easy to add von Luber.

Well, now, do you think it right to put yourself ahead of Hess?

Might be a little premature.

But ahead of Himmler!

That'll make the Fuhrer laugh!

-That'll cost you some more of that gold.

-Don't worry. I'll pay!

-Don't worry. I'll take care of you.

-Good.

-It was the first chance I've had to see you.

-Were you followed?

-No.

I wish I could have warned you not to come. They suspect me.

-Oh...

-Where did you get that?

I couldn't make sense of the baron's papers, so I photographed everything I could find with his Leica camera.

-That's the film.

-Good. Let's see what we've got.

-What's this?

-Oh, that?

The baron was up late the other night doing a crossword puzzle.

I just photographed it too.

Holy smoke!

This is the answer to the crossword puzzle.

You're looking at the Nazi cabinet's secret code.

-That's good, huh?

-Is that good?!

We can find out anything with this,

so long as the Nazis don't know we have it.

What happens when they find out we've found out?

Then thousands of spies all over the world will get headaches learning a new code!

It'll take them quite a while.

Believe me - I know!

-Lot of homework, huh?

-Mm-hm!

I won't breathe freely till I get this in the proper hands. Come on.

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

Your information is in the right hands now. Your work is done.

-I don't have to go back to the baron?

-Go to the broadcasting station and find Mr O'Toole!

He wasn't exactly enthusiastic about your becoming a spy.

I didn't think he would be.

Shall I see if I can reach him so you may...?

Hmm...

Look out!

GUNFIRE

THUD!

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

Frau Baronin von Luber! Baronin von Luber?

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

I warned you! You've got to talk!

You saw what happened to the photographer. Being a woman won't protect you.

You'll get as much information out of me as you can out of him.

You'll soon be out of my hands.

You've made it impossible for me to do anything but turn you over to the Gestapo!

-You've heard how they operate?

-Yeah!

-What did you tell the photographer?

I said you were too clever for me to find out anything.