The Rack Pack

This programme contains very strong language

48.

AUDIENCE GROANS

ELECTRICAL FIZZ

# Hey, Mama, say the way you move

# Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove

# Oh, child, the way you shake that thing

# Gonna make you burn, gonna make you sting... #

You call it the luck of the Irish.

# ..Hey, baby, when you walk that way

# Watch your honey drip, can't keep away... #

I'm exactly what the game needs. I'm an entertainer.

I'm always conscious of the man in the street who pays a fiver,

and that man wants to see fast play.

If I can help someone escape that dreary,

working-class environment, then that's not a bad thing, is it?

You just get my name right in the papers, it's Alexander the Great.

I thought we agreed on Hurricane. Hurricane Higgins.

THEY CHEER

Just there, on the left.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the Pot Black studio,

the 1972 world snooker champion, Alex "Hurricane" Higgins.

Excuse me, Mr Higgins. Mr Higgins! It's just we do have a dress code.

I know you do, Ted, and I'd love to wear it,

but I can't do the tie on account of my neck disease.

You do know I have a neck disease, don't you?

It's the same one that afflicts the violinists. I have a doctor's note.

Come on in, you can read it for yourself.

Mr Higgins, I must ask you not to urinate in the sink.

GIGGLING

Forgive me, Ted. I'd introduce you, but I don't know their names.

Two girls, straight off the streets of Birmingham. He's banned.

GIGGLING

MUSIC: Liquidator by Harry J Allstars

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I was wondering if you might provide me with some

information about the tables and the facilities in this establishment.

You know, what the, er, pockets are like and the, er,

and the...the slate.

Do you need me to call your mum?

And what about the nap?

MUSIC: Jeepster by T. Rex

How are you?

-Hi, Alex.

-Hi, how are you? You look beautiful.

-Thank you.

Thank you.

Hi, Alex.

GIGGLING

Alex Higgins.

Hurricane Higgins?

The snooker player?

What's snooker?

Excuse me.

Please, what's your name?

HE HUMS "LET'S FACE THE MUSIC AND DANCE"

DOOR OPENS

-What are you doing?

-I don't know, he's been at it about an hour.

-Is this the lad?

-Yeah.

God, he's pale, isn't he?

I bet he gets sunburnt when he opens the fridge.

He's thin and all.

I've seen more meat on Linda McCartney's fork.

He doesn't say much, does he?

He's like Marcel Marceau in a library.

Parlez-vous the English, senorita?

Sorry, Mr Hearn. I did find your jokes very funny,

but I like to concentrate when I'm practising.

-Do you want a drink, Davis? It is Steve Davis, isn't it?

-Yes.

Yes, it is, Mr Hearn. That's very kind. Milk, please.

-Cold milk is fine.

-What, you don't drink?

I like an eggnog.

You know, at Christmas and...

No, actually, I don't like it.

What do you do, then? Apart from snooker?

Smoke? Gamble? Drugs? Girls?

Boys? Inflatable dolls?

-I play mental chess.

-Is he any good?

I don't know, boss, I can't play mental chess.

-No, at snooker, you wally!

-Oh, yeah.

He'll beat anyone who walks in that door.

PLANE FLIES OVERHEAD

Lynn!

Lynn!

Lynn.

-I tried phoning.

-I know. 20 times.

I'm not great with the phone. I thought I'd charm you in person.

Look, I'm sorry about the other night.

I'm not really like that.

Really? That's not what I've heard.

I'm sometimes like that, but I can tell you deserve better.

Let me take you out, babe.

What's the worst that can happen?

Now, the trick is, keep the bottom one still

and get the top one to pinch the food together.

Like this.

I don't think these are proper chopsticks.

SHE GIGGLES

That's me. Winning my first tournament.

I know.

I haven't changed a bit.

-Sandy? That's a girl's name.

-That's what my big sisters call me.

-They look like they can keep you out of trouble.

-I wish.

-No, I'm always on the road.

-Don't tell me.

-Hurricane Higgins gets lonely.

-It's not all razzmatazz, Lynn.

I can be playing in front of 1,000 people,

all the people at home watching on the telly.

But I'm a snooker player.

In the end, you're always on your own.

Me mates were right.

Hurricane Higgins is a right flash bastard.

But I like Alex Higgins.

Come on.

Where are we going?

MUSIC: Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick by Ian Dury and the Blockheads

# In the deserts of Sudan

# And the gardens of Japan

# From Milan to Yucatan... #

Here he is - the man of the moment.

The Hurricane in Romford!

Get this man a drink.

-Thanks for coming down, Alex, I really appreciate it.

-Pint of lager.

It'll do wonders for the kid. He's good, but he's green,

especially in front of top players like yourself.

Baz, it'll be difficult for me

to play snooker with your head up my jacksie.

Noted. Noted.

Here he is. Davis!

Davis!

Come on, Steve!

What happened? Did a carrot fuck a snail...up the arse?

-Yes!

-Go on!

-Yes!

-Yes!

You know, Baz, I'm sorry, but I can't keep my eyes open.

What do you say we make this interesting?

If you say so, Alex.

Looks like I've found my game but lost my hearing.

Sorry, Barry, that's a lot of money.

Don't you worry, you're not going to lose. OK?

Yes!

Go on, my son. Come on.

Come on!

STEVE POTS BALL

STEVE POTS BALL

Yes!

CHEERING

What did I tell ya? I said he'd do it, didn't I?

You owe me 40.

Cheers.

Well done. We'll have a drink later to celebrate.

So, what do you think of the lad?

I don't. I'd have killed him in a proper match.

Without this bunch of hooligans, I mean.

This place is a fucking disgrace.

That top cushion has got more bounce than a pair of Page 3 tits.

Thanks for coming, Alex.

Get that man a pint!

Of milk! And make it gold top!

LAUGHTER

Taxi for the Hurricane!

CHEERING

I've been waiting a long time to meet a man like you, Davis.

I bet that's something you don't hear very often.

HE CHUCKLES

You see, I think snooker is going to be big. Properly big.

Bigger even than wrestling.

I'm being serious.

And I want us to go into partnership together.

We can be like Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy.

Do you mean, like, what, 50/50?

Jesus, Davis! I was only going to take ten.

I think you'd better let me do the haggling from now on.

Look, you just pot the balls, and I'll take care of everything else.

Everything what else?

I'm going to make you - and me -

very, very rich.

How's that sound?

Jesus, Davis, it's like strangling a lettuce.

Come here, you big nugget.

I hope that's your snooker cue.

Ha-ha-ha!

That's it! That's what the grannies like to see.

A nice, clean-cut, well-dressed young man...

-bending over a table.

-Barry...

Come on, princess, give us a twirl, show us what you got back there.

No. Something's not right.

Spiros. Can you try him in a different pair of socks, please?

-COMMENTATOR:

-'It's about nine o'clock, people have been queuing

'outside, and the queue was stretching way down the street,

'and it's a very busy scene inside the Crucible.

'And it's that, I think, because all the nine players, who are left

'in this championship, are all playing matches today,

'and this is very important.

'Let's take a look at the line-up

'of the championship as it stands at the moment.'

Jesus, Bill, did you not get those Jane Fonda videos I sent?

-Kiss my ass.

-Come on, I'll introduce you.

Kirk Stevens, lock up your daughters.

Tony Knowles, lock up your wife.

Oh, Cliff Thorburn, lock up your mam.

And Dennis Taylor, lock up your granny!

This is Jimmy White - the whirlwind amateur world champion,

who, one day, when I've retired, will be the Embassy World Champion.

What have you got a cigar for?

He doesn't look old enough to buy cigarettes!

-I've just become a dad.

-Yeah!

Jesus!

What did Barry do to you?

You look like...an undertaker.

No, you don't.

He looks like the cadaver.

LAUGHTER

I was told that they had...asteroids in here.

Asteroids?

Isn't that what you had, Dennis? Didn't they give you a cream for it?

LAUGHTER

I'll have a pint. Jimmy, what do you want?

Er, lager, please.

-COMMENTATOR:

-'Alex Higgins, '72 champion,

'against Steve Davis, the new sensation of the snooker world.

'From Belfast, the quickest potter on the planet,

'please welcome to the Crucible, Alex "Hurricane" Higgins.'

We're not in Romford now.

CHEERING

'For his first appearance in a World Championship quarterfinal,

'from London, please welcome Steve Davis.'

Go on, my son.

APPLAUSE

-COMMENTATOR:

-'Well, Steve Davis had a go there.

'And I'm afraid it's going to be very costly for him.'

CHEERING

'That slight upset has upset Steve.'

CHEERING

MUSIC: Mr Blue Sky by ELO

Come on!

-COMMENTATORS:

-'A terrific performance by Alex Higgins.

'Arrogant and box-office snooker by Alex Higgins.

'Absolutely brilliant.

'Alex is such a talented player.

'There stands the world trophy.

'That, together with £15,000.'

Good luck.

May the best man win.

Awful gracious of you, Grinder,

but at least let's go through the motions.

'So, please put your hands together for Cliff Thorburn!

'And looking to win his second world crown,

'from Northern Ireland, please welcome Alex "Hurricane" Higgins!'

'So Alex goes into the lead.

'In a very favourable position indeed.

POTS BALL

'Beautifully controlled.

'That's a beautiful shot.'

That's kamikaze snooker!

I know.

Magic, innit?

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-'That was a leap of the ball...'

What'd he take that on for?

What does he think this is? Mission: Impossible?

# Boom-boom boom-boom... #

"This snooker player will self-destruct in five minutes."

'And Alex watching every stroke.

'Surely seeing the world title run away from him.'

POTS BALL

Come on, Cliff!

'He just wants this frame to become World Snooker Champion.

'And that shot must truly sadden the heart... '

Alex!

He blew it!

Playing to the gallery like there's an audience award for the best shot.

You can't take a round of applause to the bank.

He's like a little boy lost.

He's desperate for approval. Emotion, Davis, is the enemy of success.

-OK, boss.

-Good.

But we can do better.

We need to create an aura of invincibility around you.

Right, bear with me, Davis.

I want you to sit up on that seat

like you're on a khazi, doing your business.

Come on!

That's how you should sit when you're in tournaments, right?

Cross your legs a little bit.

-What, have I finished on the khazi now?

-Yeah.

Yeah. Look, you're there, all right?

You're at the Crucible.

Yeah?

Picture it.

Last frame. OK?

Everybody's waiting for you to make the shot.

OK? You're thinking it through, thinking it through.

Open your eyes.

I want you to feel like you've seen a lot of trauma.

But I don't want to see your thoughts, I want to see nothing.

Just eyes. Dead.

That's my boy. Good.

OK.

You need something else. You need a drink.

No. No, no, no, no.

Look, it's not a cup of warm milk before bedtime.

It's a weapon.

No, no, no. Don't gulp it.

Just...just sip it.

Don't sip it either.

-What else is there?

-OK.

Just pick it up.

Put it to your lips and then put it back down again.

-Why?

-I don't know.

But it's terrifying.

Er...won't the other players just think I'm a wally?

No, Davis, they won't.

They'll think you're a total arsehole.

And that...is what we want.

Think of it as...mental snooker.

-MUFFLED:

-Why don't you fuck off back to fucking America or Canada or wherever the fuck you come from?

-SLURRED:

-No, it was luck, Thorburn,

that's what it was. You got lucky today.

That referee's always hated me. They all hate me.

-You fucking cheat!

-'Alex...'

Don't you FUCKING hang up on me!

Alex, what are you doing? Alex, stop it!

Alex!

Alex, listen to me!

Listen, it's all right!

Alex!

It's all right.

Alex, listen to me, listen.

Listen, there's always next year, OK?

It's all right.

MUSIC: Another One Bites The Dust by Queen

'Steve Davis, making his debut in a big-time championship...

'the first time he's appeared in a final...

'is about to don the crown of UK Champion.'

-COMMENTATORS:

-'Steve Davis commands...'

-'He's become a feared player...'

'It is more a game of pressure now.'

'There's no way that anyone can stop him.'

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

world number one and Romford's own, Steve Davis!

This way, please, Steve.

And his opponent this afternoon is the Croydon Echo letter-writing competition winner,

he's a smashing kid with a highest break of 16,

please welcome Matthew Harrison.

CHEERING

Hello, nice to meet you.

-Would you make a call for me, please?

-Heads.

-It is a head.

Matthew Harrison to break.

Go on, Matthew.

Good break. Well done.

Well done, very good.

One.

-MAN:

-It looks like he can play, Matthew.

Eight.

56.

102.

134 and the frame, Steve Davis.

Can you look this way, please?

There is no-one around who can concentrate for long enough

to be a threat to my dominating major tournaments for years to come.

'A very good morning. Yes, it is a little early, but believe it or not,

'they are already playing snooker here on this Monday

'at the Embassy World Professional Championships in Sheffield.

'No doubt we will be talking about the pressure shots and the tension.

'So, the psychological battles which have always been evident

'behind the scenes in this World Championship have begun again.'

Bye, Angel Face.

Touch my cue for luck.

There you go.

Daddy's got to go to work.

-Good luck.

-All right.

-Alex.

-Fuck off.

Steve.

Oh, I don't know if you heard, but I just had a little girl.

Lauren, her name is. I was at the birth.

Yeah, and to be honest with you,

it was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

Blood everywhere.

I mean, the doctors, they warned me,

what happens at the business end during birth.

But I said I'd be all right, that I'd cope...

..cos I knew Steve Davis and he's the world's biggest cunt.

Go on, my son. Go on, Steve.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give me a vodka.

That was beautiful.

What'll it be, Steve?

What d'you say, Barry?

Is he allowed to stop and have a drink, or is he too good for us?

Too good for you? LAUGHS

Come on, Alex, give me a challenge.

Come on, you ginger twat.

-You can't play Space Invaders all the time.

-I'll buy you a drink.

-No, you won't, you buy me two fucking drinks.

-All right, done.

Two halves, it is.

Honestly, Barry. He's no good for the game.

You've gone and built a robot.

Who's going to want to watch that when you can see a flair player?

A flair player?

That's hilarious. That just means you miss.

But at least I miss with style.

MUSIC: Money For Nothing by Dire Straits

'That's it. The World Snooker Champion, 1981, Steve Davis.'

You've done it. You done it.

I told you.

He done it!

Come on!

That's the most disgraceful goddamn sight I've ever seen in snooker.

And I've known this piece of shit for a decade, right, Bill? Up high.

Yes!

I just hope they spell his name right on the trophy -

B-A-R-R-Y.

# Maybe get a blister on your little finger

# Maybe get a blister on your thumb

# We gotta install microwave ovens... #

Ten grand.

That's right, for the week.

No, Hamish, that's not lira.

That's pounds sterling.

You listen to me. You want Ferrari, don't pay Ford prices.

OK, you come back to me, but don't leave it too long.

Everyone wants a piece of Davis and that price is only going to go up.

Davis, I want you to meet Brian,

he's going to write us your autobiography.

But I'm only 23.

It doesn't matter.

He's going to pad it out, loads of diagrams.

That way, even Jimmy White can read it.

Barry, shouldn't I write my autobiography?

Davis, don't be a wally.

Even your biggest fan won't want to wade through an entire chapter

on how to chalk a cue.

Besides, you'll need that magic to write your column in the Star.

Here, Brian, they love him in the Star. Look at that.

-You could have flexed your muscles.

-I did.

PHONE RINGS Hold on. Hamish, I bet you.

Barry Hearn.

Good man, Hamish. Right, so, 11 grand for the week, then.

Yeah. I know I said ten, but that was two minutes ago.

I told you you've got to be quick.

Go on, then.

Who is it?

Well, in that case you'd better make it 12½.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

ICE CUBES RATTLE

HE BURPS

CROWD MURMURS

HE MOUTHS

Come on, Davis!

CROWD MURMURS

You all right, Davis?

No. No, I'm not.

There is only one word to describe Alex Higgins.

-Obnoxious.

-I think there's a few more than that,

-but that's the one Brian'll put in the autobiography.

-All right.

But if he touches me again, then I'm not responsible for what I might do.

Well, what will you do?

Probably go home.

All right, I'll sort it.

Steve Davis - 58.

-<

-Come on!

CROWD GASPS

Stamina. It's one aspect of the game that is all too commonly forgotten.

Just because snooker players don't chase a football,

it doesn't mean that we don't need to be in a prime physical condition.

-As I was saying...

-Jesus, Brian. It's been a week.

Have you not finished yet?

Steve Davis is boring - the end.

Alex... I thought we had an agreement.

For God's sake!

One, two, three...

Thank you.

You know, I thought it was the idea of Steve Davis I used to hate.

But now I've got to know you a little better,

I actually hate Steve Davis the man even more.

Yeah. Well, you're...you're drunk.

Yes, I am.

But in the morning, I shall be sober,

and you'll still be boring.

Alex, it is the morning.

All right, then, Davis. Are you all set?

I don't suppose you've got room in the car for one more?

I do, as it happens. Brian, snap to it.

HE SIGHS

You know I can't drive myself. Don't be like that.

I think there's something you need to talk to your own manager about,

whoever that currently is.

-I intend to.

-Room number, sir?

I'm not staying here.

I can't afford to.

-Right...

-Let me see that.

That is very generous of you, Alex. Thank you.

Well, you must have got a good deal for Davis.

-Just imagine what I earn for this trip.

-I don't have to. I know.

Two grand. I got more than that.

Thank you. Most enjoyable.

Well, I wouldn't sign for you, even if you asked me.

That's good, cos I'm not asking.

Pride, Barry, it's a terrible thing.

You'd snap my hand off.

Where is he? Where's Beadle?

I don't need anyone to hold my hand and put my suitcase in the car,

but I know you're a bit of a whizz on the old pocket calculator.

Wait a minute - are you asking me? No chance!

I'll always be the biggest draw in the game.

So fuck you and fuck...Davis.

You see, it's that attitude

that has no place in what I'm trying to build here

-with an ethos of impeccable professionalism...

-Fuck you!

-I don't want to join.

-..and politeness at all times.

How am I supposed to market someone as rude as you to IBM?

That is a disgraceful slur on my character, Barry,

and fuck IBM!

Their computers are shite.

And what's that got to do with snooker?

The world's changing, Alex.

My new Matchroom stable recognises that.

CAR ENGINE STARTS

"My new Matchroom stable recognises...(!)"

Well, I'm not changing

and I'd certainly never change for you.

You know what the people want? Me!

This is the box office!

CAR HORN BEEPS

GLASS SMASHES

'Steve Davis...

'..the living embodiment of snooker perfection...'

HE SIGHS

'This black for the first televised 147...'

It was John Spencer back in 1979.

It was only not televised because yous pricks took a tea break!

For fuck's sake, Ted.

Have you got a hard-on for Davis, or what?

ALEX SIGHS

'He's done it.

'Steve Davis engraves his name on history

'with a break of faultless brilliance.

'We are surely watching the greatest player

'that has ever graced the baize.'

MILK BOTTLES CLATTER

FOOTSTEPS

You're up early.

I haven't been to bed.

What have you been doing, love?

Reading.

"By the 1981 World Championship,

"Alex's decline was being noticed for the first time..."

Alex, I think we really need to stop talking about Steve Davis.

Where is it? Here it is.

"Alex could no longer achieve what he used to attain."

He's fucking obsessed with me!

Listen...

It doesn't matter. OK?

-He's obsessed with me.

-What's the matter?

-Obsessed.

-No matter what happens, you've always got me

-and you've always got Lauren.

-You're right.

I'm going to haunt that bastard

till they cart me out in a little brown box.

HE SIGHS

Sweetheart, I really think we need to try and get you some help.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, baby.

MUFFLED VOICES

If you could just follow me.

Just this way. Thank you.

Please, just don't!

James, you just give me the names of the bastards that did this to you

-and I swear to God...

-It's my new management. They poofed me up.

-I said no, but...

-Not Barry Hearn?

No.

Wouldn't join that mob.

ALEX LAUGHS

So, what happened?

You had a fight and got your teeth knocked IN?

They reckon it'll be good for sponsorship and that.

It's all about image, though, innit?

Who else do they manage? Spandau Ballet(?)

No.

Barry Manilow.

You heard Tony Meo signed for Hearn?

He's one of the Matchroom boys now.

He's taken the fucking spic?

Yeah. He's been told to clean up his act.

No more disco dancing.

-It's like being back at school.

-How would you know?

He's got Terry, an' all.

It's all changing, Alex.

Good luck to them.

They'll need it.

Anyway...

I brought you some grapes.

Good lad.

You sure this is a hospital?

-They've even got a snooker table in the games room.

-Oh, yeah?

-Hmm.

Been hustling all the nutcases, have you?

No.

I don't feel like playing.

So, what happened, then? You went gonzo? Lose your marbles?

It's called exhaustion, James.

You know? I just needed a rest.

So, we're not going to see you in Sheffield, then?

Doesn't matter.

Davis is going to win, anyway.

MUSIC: Won't Get Fooled Again by The Who

Good girl.

Show Daddy.

Wow!

Show Daddy.

'The question that everyone is asking,

'can anybody take the title away from the man who has become

'one of the biggest names

'not just in snooker but in all sport, Steve Davis?

'What a remarkable time he's had.

'He came here and won the title last year.

'Since then, he's done everything right,

'and the bookmaker made him 5-2 on favourite to retain the title,

'and nobody has ever retained

'the World Professional Snooker Championship title

'here in the Crucible.'

Three grand,

Alex Higgins to be snooker champion of the world.

< Yes!

What's going on?

Knowlesy knocked out the Nugget, mate!

Oh, my God.

(Ssh-ssh, here he comes.)

Looks like your robot's broken down, Barry.

Can I write this chapter in your next autobiography?

Are you done? Good boy.

See you later, fellas.

Thank you.

Time, gentlemen, please.

MUSIC: Sunshine Of Your Love by Cream

# It's getting near dawn

# When lights close their tired eyes... #

It's the match the world's been waiting for...

Doesn't matter. Steve Davis is going to win anyway(!)

Well, here we are. This is a special shoot out.

-Please welcome Jimmy "The Whirlwind" White...

-Good luck.

CHEERING

# ..I've been waiting so long... #

And his opponent, Alex "Hurricane" Higgins!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Quite extraordinary.

'Some of these shots that Jimmy knocks in,

'he makes them look so easy.

'Do you get the feeling, Jack, this could be the winning break?'

'And Alex finding it hard to bear, I think, at the moment.'

CROWD GROANS

'So, Alex breathes again.

'59 points in front now.

'And still enough points on the table for Alex,

'if he can just take his opportunity.

'He has to win this frame to stay in the match.

'And if he does win it,

'what an electric finish it's going to be.'

MUSIC: Voodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'And with that shot,

'he's brought the only red that was relatively safe

'over the centre pocket.'

APPLAUSE

'Well, he can pot this black, Jack,

'and I think he's got to go for it. This is the big shot of the frame.

'And a tremendous shot under pressure!

'A lot of courage Alex has got.

'And so another difficult red, into the centre pocket.'

CHEERING

'And Alex not able to afford any mistakes.

'Right-hand corner.'

'And another tremendous shot.

'Oh, and that's a beautiful shot!

'I tend to think, Jack,

'this has become a test of courage.'

'And Alex really rising to the occasion here.

'This really is something.'

'I'm feeling nervous for him, Jack.

'I think, if he clears this,

'this will be the break of the tournament.'

62.

'What a fabulous break if he knocks this black in.'

'Oh, marvellous!'

'15 frames all, what a finish.'

'So, Jimmy White concedes.

'What a splendid finish,

'and a truly, truly superb semifinal.

'So, the people's player

'now has a chance to really be the people's champion.'

I love you, baby.

From the first moment I held you in my arms.

And now...

..your daddy is playing in the final tomorrow.

It's going to change everything.

I'm going to prove all those bastards wrong.

I promise you, baby...

..I won't ever let you down.

SHE GURGLES

MUSIC: Tiny Dancer by Elton John

# Blue jean baby

# LA lady

# Seamstress for the band... #

Daddy.

# ..Pretty-eyed

# Pirate smile

# You'll marry a music man... #

'Congratulations from every side

'for this extraordinary young Irishman

'who has done so much for the world of snooker

'since he came on the scene just ten years ago.'

# ..And now she's in me Always with me... #

Well done, well done.

Bring my baby.

My baby.

My baby.

# ..Jesus freaks

# Out in the streets

# Handing tickets out for God... #

Look! Look what Daddy won.

# ..Turning back

# She just laughs

# The boulevard is not that bad... #

Oh, my baby, let me take my baby. I got you.

'The man who said, "I want so much to become the people's champion,"

'has won the championship.

'The people have watched and applauded.'

MUSIC: The Boys Are Back In Town by Thin Lizzy

Faster, driver, faster!

Who's this?

Jimmy White!

Look at Jimmy White!

DRUNKEN RAMBLING

HE GASPS

Whose deal is it? Come on.

It's John the Arab, but he's in the fucking khazi.

-He's always in there. All right, John?

-Ooh...

Put that over there, Jimmy.

You know, I might be the world champion

but, more importantly,

out there, you know,

I'm the People's Champion.

In the words of Frank Sinatra...

# I did it my way... #

Jimmy says yous are in the music business.

I fucking told you. This is UB40.

I know! You don't have to tell me that again.

I'm your greatest fan.

# ..The boys are back in town... #

Yeah, Paddy...

Paddy, I'm...I'm as fucked off as you,

but, you know, we've got a flat tyre.

OTHERS SNIGGER

-(What else can go wrong in a car?)

-(The radiator.)

And the radiator's fallen off.

We'll be there on Tuesday.

Is it?

Wednesday, then. Tomorrow?

Yep. Yep, tomorrow.

I'll buy you a pint, OK.

Ciao, ciao, ciao. Bye.

So, what did Paddy say?

He said we've got time to go to the races.

THEY CHEER

# Red, red wine

# Goes to my head... #

In three, two...

MUSIC PLAYS

Hello. Welcome to...

Wait for the music, Steve.

MUSIC ENDS

-Hel... Welcome to...

-Camera two.

-Oh, right. Here?

-Camera two, yes.

The one with the light on, Steve.

You've got to look at the camera with the light on.

Right. Yeah. I see.

-It looks great. You look beautiful. It looks good, honestly, mate.

-OK.

All right.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Sorry.

-Don't worry about it.

It's what a screen test's for.

-Take your time.

-OK.

Hello.

Welcome to A Frame With Davis.

Today, I've got two best...

I've got... Today, I've got two guest celebrities

who are going to have a game of snooker against each other.

Yeah, yeah. Steve, that's great, but, um,

we know you can play snooker.

The idea is to interview the guests at the same time.

-Sorry, was I in the zone again?

-No, Steve, you're doing great, OK?

Just ask me a question. Fire away.

OK.

So, Bernie Winters,

um...

when did you first realise

that you wanted to be in the show business?

CUE CLATTERS

Tell you what, can we just cut there and take five, Miles?

-Yes.

-OK.

-I'm sorry, Barry, this isn't really me, is it?

-Granted, granted,

but then that's not really you, either, is it, when you're playing?

That's more like Tournament Steve.

You see, what we're after here is a sort of third Steve,

-Personality Steve.

-But I'm boring.

I know you are.

We just need to make you boring in a really fun way, you know?

-Get you to tell a few jokes.

-I don't know any jokes.

Which is good.

You'll have the element of surprise on your side.

Have a look at this.

A few notes.

Have a read of some of them, all right?

"I'm so boring, my nickname is Steve Davis."

That's the one.

Now go!

"I'm so boring, my nickname is Steve Davis."

I didn't realise you were doing it there. OK. All right.

We'll do it once more. OK? This time,

we'll do the Shake n' Vac and put the freshness back. Watch this.

DEADPAN: I'm so boring, my nickname's Steve Davis.

See, Robbo likes it.

Why aren't you laughing?

Sorry. I've heard it before.

HORN TOOTS

Fellas, you're four hours late. They are baying for blood in there.

-Where have you been?

-Relax, Barry. They love me.

I'm the People's Champion.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome him back to Ireland,

World Champion Alex "Hurricane" Higgins here tonight

with Jimmy "The Whirlwind" White.

Someone's nicked it.

All the money's in there!

They've got my fucking trophy!

Fucking hell! They've stolen UB40!

Fuck's sake!

Why don't you know when you will be back?

Depends how many exhibition matches Jimmy has lined up.

-We need you here!

-We need the money, in case you hadn't noticed.

Look, love. I'm trying to do everything I can for this family.

It's not my fault Ireland was such a disaster,

that my single didn't make it into the charts.

It's hard enough as it is at the moment.

It's hard for me, too, you know.

-Would it kill you to be just a little bit supportive?

-Alex, I'm pregnant!

-I can't do everything by myself.

-Well, I'm World Champion.

-I can do anything I like.

-Pardon?

Look, love, it will just be a couple of days, no more than a week,

I promise.

What about your snooker cue?

-CLEARS THROAT

-Fuck.

So don't you want another nipper, then? You don't look happy about it.

Of course I am, it's just...

She's barely lost the weight from the last one.

Oh, go on, then.

But I told Maureen I was only popping out to buy some milk.

THEY CHUCKLE

DISCO MUSIC

OK?

Can I have a wine, please?

-Well, if it ain't The Grinder.

-Oh, shit.

G-G-Grinder!

Are you even bothering to go to fucking Sheffield this year?

Alex, please. Language, in front of my wife.

Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Tell me, darling, is he The Grinder on and off the table,

-if you get my drift?

-Alex, please.

We're having an enjoyable evening.

I'll be dammed if I'm going to let you spoil it.

You are a Canadian cunt.

Alex, I've had about as much of you as I can take,

so think very carefully about what you say next.

You are fucking shit at snooker!

Would you excuse me, my dear?

I'm going to fucking kill you! Fuck you!

I'm going to pound on you until my fist is sore.

-He's just a bit wasted...

-All right, show's over.

It's all right, it's all right...

Get him the hell out of here.

It's all right. Messing around.

Messing around, aren't we?

Calm down, Cliff. All right?

All right? Just messing around.

OK? Come on.

I'm sorry, love.

All right, all right, fine.

Fine, fine.

-Still fucking meant it.

-Fuck you!

Oh, Jesus Christ! Come on, honestly!

HE GASPS Little shit-stain!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, no, yes. We do have a laugh.

When I got asked to come and do this show,

I said, "You do know I'm boring, don't you?"

And they said, "How boring?"

I said, "I'm so boring, my nickname is Steve Davis."

LAUGHTER

I'm glad you find that one funny.

-Go on, my son.

-My shot, is it?

'A very good morning to you.

'And if you were planning anything else today, I would cancel it.

'Because I think we are in store here for the most interesting day yet

'in the 1983 Embassy Professional Snooker Championship Of The World.

'Right, the start of day 14. Alex Higgins and Steve Davis.

'And we will be with the semifinals right throughout the day

'and throughout the evening...'

-ANNOUNCER: This match needs little introduction...

-Here we are, Cagney and fucking Lacey.

You know no-one has ever won two in a row?

-Before now, that is.

-I hope I win, Alex, for your sake.

Someone's got to stop you celebrating the last one.

HE SNORTS

-Since when does he make jokes?

-Since he got his own chat show.

-..World number one, Steve Davis!

-Go on, son.

CHEERING

And please welcome the defending Embassy World Snooker Champion,

Alex "Hurricane" Higgins!

CHEERING

BABY CRIES

DOOR SLAMS

I know, I miss you, too. But...

I can't come home, I'm playing an exhibition match.

'So, this exhibition match, who are you playing?'

-Jimmy.

-DOOR OPENS

I'll be there in a minute, just give me a minute, Jimmy.

Higgins, you pig. Have you finished with these?

-'Who was that?'

-Nobody.

I'm not nobody. I'm Oliver fucking Reed.

Oh, and Ollie Reed is here, as well.

GIGGLING IN BACKGROUND

'Shut up!'

He's keeping score.

Shut up!

Lynn?

Oh, fuck.

Lynn, just calm down. Tell me, what have I done?

'Alex, you're never at home.'

I'm at home now.

-Listen, it's worse when you are at home.

-You see, there you go.

-I can't win.

-Look, I don't want our kids to see you pissed all the time.

So I like a drop of drink. If that's the worst of our problems...

Alex, I am worried I'm going to end up getting AIDS!

CHUCKLES

Lynn, I swear on my life, I'm not into fellas.

Alex, you are not listening to me.

Look, I know I'm not a model husband, OK? I admit that. But...

I love you. Right, if you want me to change, I'll change.

No, I...

Listen, I want you to, I really do, but you will never change.

I'll never give up my family.

The Hurricane never gives up.

-Come home, Lynn.

-I can't do it, I'm sorry.

-Come...

-Alex, I said no.

Come on, mate. You can sort this.

My Maureen gets like this.

A bit antsy.

Then she calms down and, you know,

we just carry on like it never happened.

Until the next time.

HE CHUCKLES

That's what marriage is.

Come on, follow me, I'll give you the tour.

Kitchen, portable colour TV.

Dishwasher.

Microwave.

All you have to do all day is just...sit around and push buttons.

Do you really think this is going to solve all of our problems?

I know, we'll get an au pair, but...

..you have to admit, it's a good place for a fresh start.

Alex, how many fresh starts can I give you?

I know.

I know, it's my final last chance, but...

You know the Hurricane is never better

than when his back is against the wall.

It's too big.

I'll be lonely when you're not here.

Oh, and the piece de resistance...

-My sn...

-Snooker room.

I can practise here. No more going away for days on end.

-And I'm getting a new manager.

-I don't know.

-You don't know?

What, you don't think we can afford it? We can.

Snooker has never been bigger and I'm back to my best.

I meant I don't know if I'm ready, Alex.

I'll win 60 grand for the Embassy next year.

-I'll build us a swimming pool.

-Can't even swim.

For you and the kids.

Imagine, little Lauren and Jordan, playing out there, raising hell.

Be like a real family again.

I know that's what you want.

Really.

Please say yes, because...

..the truth is,

I've already bought it.

It is Monopoly meets KerPlunk.

-You think people are actually going to buy this?

-Course they will.

Especially... when I throw in a pair of these.

-What have they got to do with snooker?

-Nothing.

That's the genius bit. PHONE RINGS

That phone is red-hot. It will not stop ringing.

Buzby's working overtime and I think I need a new fax machine.

Barry Hearn.

No, I do not know if the World Champion drinks coffee.

Well, how much are we talking?

He loves the stuff. He can't get enough of it, especially...

What brand did you say it was again?

Thank you very much.

Honestly...

Would you not rather have my face on an advert than that?

Would you not say I'm a much sexier man?

Oh, yeah, much sexier.

Have you seen this one?

I don't read Women's Realm.

"If I had to choose between sex and snooker, I'd choose snooker."

So would she!

Can you imagine that in bed?

Spend three minutes walking round her, lining up the fucking shot.

Probably chalks his bell-end.

He did win Rear Of The Year.

-What the fuck are you talking about?

-When it was Su Pollard.

Listen, Alex, I can get you deals.

Just got Tony Knowles in with Vidal Sassoon.

Right.

Well... Tony can walk into any Vidal Sassoon salon,

anywhere in the country and get himself a free haircut.

I'm talking about getting me a TV advert, not a free fucking haircut.

Do you have any idea how much this place cost me?

I pay you 10%.

And you just draw a blank. A Blankety Blank.

Why can't you even get me on Blankety fucking Blank?

People like winners.

Alex, darling, can I get some money

cos Caterina wants to take Lauren into town?

How am I meant to practise with all these constant interruptions?!

MUSIC: The Four Seasons by Antonio Vivaldi

Excuse me.

GENERAL CHATTER

HE THUMPS DOOR

What the fuck?

Are you sure this is a snooker tournament?

-This place is bigger than your house.

-Don't mention that money pit.

I have to win this just to pay the gas bill.

What the fuck are you doing?

It's the Goya Matchroom scent.

It's the international fragrance for the men who play to win.

You wanna be a winner, you've got to smell like a winner.

It's a mix of fern needles, tarragon, pimento, nutmeg, patchouli,

musk, sandalwood and tonka beans.

Hey, Grinder, what's all this shit?

Beats me, thought we were here to play goddamn snooker.

I may be the People's Champion, but not these fucking people.

Fucking Romford lot.

It's all just fake, innit?

Barry, Barry!

Can you get us a pint of that Goya Matchroom?

I think you've had enough, Alex, don't you?

Fuck you, Barry. You don't tell me what to do.

Jesus, they take it all so seriously now.

Who is it that made all this possible?

Got millions to watch so Davis could line his fucking pockets.

Barry Hearn.

Me!

The Hurricane.

Before me, it was just old farts taking it in turns to miss.

HE SNIFFS

Barry!

Can we open a window? Fucking stinks in here.

Tell you what, Alex, I'll open a door and you can walk straight out of it.

Are you offering me out, Barry?

I'll fucking come outside with you, just give me...

-I'll fucking kill you!

-Alex! Just have a drink.

-Come on!

-What are you talking about?!

Listen to me. Play the game, you've just got to play snooker

and take his money, yeah?

Yeah, that's all he cares about.

Fuck all this shit.

Get outta my way!

This is... This is MY bandwagon. You know that, Tintin. All right?

It'll take more than perfume

and fancy fucking canapes...

-CLATTERING

-..to kick me off.

What do you think, Willie?

It's a bit of a fucking po-o-osh party, isn't it?

Bit of a posh pa-a-arty!

All right, I'm off now.

One last one for the photographers. There you go.

Get that in your fucking lens!

Fucking prick, give me that! Give me fucking that!

Fucking prick.

# And every step I take

# Takes me further from heaven... #

DISTANT VOICES

# Is there a heaven?

# I'd like to think so

# Standards of living... #

CHUCKLING

-Hey.

-So this is how you practise?

I didn't know you were up.

I'm just... I'm just showing her some shots with my new cue.

What do you expect, eh?!

I'm a red-blooded male!

I'll be gone soon enough and you can fuck whoever you want to then!

Yeah, well, maybe I fucking will!

I'm taking the kids, I'm going to my parents, and for good this time!

You can't fucking do that!

-Those children need a daddy!

-Too fucking right they do!

So now I'm not a good daddy?!

-Where the fuck you going?

-They're scared of you, Alex, so am I.

Do you have any idea what I have to do for this family?

The shit I have to deal with?!

Get your fucking hands off of me.

Lynn. Come here, Lynn.

Don't you go in there!

Swear to God, Lynn! Come out here! Come out here!

Come out so we can talk about this like civilised people!

You fucking bitch!

Fucking bitch!

HE EXHALES

'Mr Higgins, who was due to play later today at the Goya Matchroom

'Snooker Tournament, was taken to nearby Macclesfield Police Station.'

ALL: # Snooker loopy, nuts are we

# Me and him and them and me

# We'll show you what we can do

# With a load of balls and a snooker cue

# Pot the reds then screw back

# For the yellow, green, brown, blue, pink and black

# Snooker loopy, nuts are we

# We're all snooker loopy... #

That's it, boys.

# Now, Terry the Taff was born in a gaff... #

All right, Jim?

It's great, innit? Look.

HE LAUGHS

# He likes to sing along

# And if I win, he says with a grin

# It can only help me, can't it?

# I'll celebrate, I'll buy another eight

# Hairbrushes for me barnet

# But old Willy Thorne, his hair's all gone

# And his mates all take the rise

# His opponent said cover up his head

# Cos it's shining in my eyes

# When the light shines down on his bare crown

# It's a cert he's gonna walk it

# It's just not fair giving off that glare

# Perhaps I ought to chalk it

# Snooker loopy, nuts are we

# Me and him and them and me

# We'll show you what we can do

# With a load of balls and a snooker cue

SONG BEGINS TO FADE # Pot the reds then screw back

# For the yellow, green, brown, blue pink and black

# Snooker loopy, nuts are we

# We're all snooker loopy... #

DOORBELL RINGS

-Who is it?

-It's me, it's Jimmy.

-Come in, then.

-You all right, mate?

-Mm-hm.

Sorry for all these fucking...

Um...

Come in.

Tried phoning.

There's a...problem with the phone.

-Lynn's still not come round, then?

-No.

She's, uh...

She's got a court ruling.

If I try to see her or the kids then, um...

..they'll put me in prison.

I'm sorry, mate.

It's no-one's fault.

Have you, uh...

had breakfast?

No, no, ta. Can't stop.

Oh, come on, James.

I've got a corporate.

Haven't seen you for days.

Cheers.

Listen, uh...

I just wanted to be the one to tell you.

I've signed.

Barry fucking Hearn.

Yeah, Barry fucking Hearn.

He says I can be the Matchroom bad boy.

I can still do whatever I want,

as long as I check with him first.

That's, uh...

That's great.

That's the best decision you ever made.

That's funny, cos I thought you was going to punch me.

No, but I will if you turn into one of them Matchroom arseholes.

You know I won't.

Me and you, James...

we're the only two that ever played for love.

CAR HORN TOOTS

I better go.

Robbo's waiting outside.

You know, it's funny, I was...

I was thinking of going to see Barry myself.

He called the other day.

No.

No, definitely, you should.

Maybe.

CAR TOOTS AGAIN

Right, I'll see you, mate.

Yeah.

Be lucky, baby.

DOOR CLOSES

Don't worry, Frank, he'll pay.

HE CHUCKLES I'll make him pay.

I gotta go, Frank.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in. Yeah, all right, Frank, I gotta go. Yeah.

I do know what you mean. OK. Bye.

Alex.

Always a pleasure. What do you want?

I have a bone to pick with you, Baz.

You've nicked Jimmy.

I want my practice partner back.

Drinking partner?

Well, the amount we drink, it takes a lot of practice.

HE CHUCKLES

So, you're worried about Jimmy?

I'm a lot of things, Barry, but I don't hold a grudge.

You were too proud to ask me in '82.

I'm sure you had reasons and you probably regret those now,

since I won the Embassy that year, but...

I'm here to offer you a chance to put that right...

and sign the People's Champion.

So long as the terms of the contract are right for me.

"Lean, square-jawed, his good looks and clean-cut behaviour

"have made Steve Davis the hero of Britain."

This is what I'm building here, Alex.

Courage Brewery have just bought Steve Davis for a year.

An exclusive contract - £1 million.

So, unless I accidentally have a lobotomy,

I'm not going to risk it all on you. Am I?

Snooker needs me, Barry.

Do you think people tune in hoping to watch Davis play Tony Meo?

I'm the box office - me.

I know.

You admit it, you bastard.

You're right.

We need you.

The millions out there, they don't tune in to watch the snooker,

they watch for the soap opera.

It's Dallas with balls.

And you're JR and Bobby Ewing rolled into one.

You're destroying yourself. And it's a fact of life

that millions of people enjoy watching the process,

so, yeah, snooker needs you.

But I don't need you.

Barry, please.

Please, I'm begging you.

I need you to manage me.

I can't manage on my own.

I said I'd never change, well...

I'll change.

I'll do anything, Barry.

I'm on my fucking knees here.

I can't, Alex.

I've lost everyone.

And I've lost my house...

all the money.

Fucking Inland Revenue are after me. You know?

I'll even give up the drink, Barry.

I promise.

You wouldn't last a day, Alex. I-I'm sorry.

We can do this.

You know? I could change and...

You're the only one who can help me.

I've lost my family.

Alex, you're a mess.

Look, um...

Look, where you headed to? I'll get Robbo to give you a lift somewhere.

I've nowhere to go.

It's...

I'm sure you know a boozer open somewhere near here.

Take it, Alex.

Take care, Alex.