Bill

GUARDS CHAT

HE CRIES OUT

GUARD GROANS

LOW CHATTER

COIN CLINKS ON FLOOR

GUARD: Oh...por favor.

HE STRAINS

Holy Maria.

HE STRAINS

Please, I...

MAN: Well, well, well, well.

If it isn't Sir Richard Hawkins.

Thieving English privateer and pain in the bum hole.

Is that you, Phil?

King Phil...ip.

I thought so.

-You don't mind if I...?

-Oh, no, no, no, no.

-You carry on. Fill your boots.

-That's very decent of you.

Hm-mm-mm.

Love to stop for a portrait, but, er...must dash.

Do look me up if ever one of your Armadas pans out

and I'll take you out in London.

-My treat.

-I'll be sure to pop it in the diary.

You seem very chipper for someone being robbed.

No, it's just I'm a... a little bit excited.

You see, I'm interested to see how you're going to get out of this one.

HE GASPS

It's a round room, no corners, two exits.

Not exactly holding all the cards there, Phil.

Have you forgotten the first rule of espionage?

No. Always hide in plain sight.

SINGSONG VOICE: Mr Hawkins.

Oh, bugger.

GUARD: Take him.

Get him up!

I sail under the sovereign protection of Queen Elizabeth

and she will not stand for this!

Good.

I'm counting on it.

HORSE WHINNIES

-Make way!

-PANICKED CRIES

Make way!

Aaargh!

-YELLS:

-Make way!

I don't suppose you could...?

He's gone.

Make way!

Letter for Her Majesty.

Where is she?

-Undressing. What is it?

-King Philip II of Spain.

It would seem...

..he's captured Sir Richard.

SHE GASPS

-QUEEN ELIZABETH:

-Hawkins?

I agree, Your Majesty,

Hawkins is a most valuable asset

and we all want him back out there robbing the Spanishes.

But diplomacy is our only option.

-A summit with King Philip.

-LADIES-IN-WAITING: Ooh!

As your father, King Henry, always said,

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

And a lot of stuff about women that I never really...

-Will there be dancing?

-What about a joust?

-Kiss chase.

-Sex wrestling.

-Perhaps a nice play.

-I hardly think we need to...

-QUEEN ELIZABETH:

-Wait.

Who said...a play?

BOY: I'll get you!

BOYS LAUGH

-WOMAN:

-Bill! Bill!

-What?

-Your friends are here.

Ladies and gentlemen,

gently to hear, kindly to judge,

we are... Mortal Coil.

LIVELY TUNE

PLAYS SOLO

CONTINUES SOLO

-It's not you.

-It is you.

It is you.

Maybe you're destined for something different.

Like what?

-Erm...

-Er...

-Cooking.

-Anyway, we'd better...

..shuffle off.

Sorry, Bill.

Sorry, Bill.

I thought his name was Phil.

I knew something like this was going to happen.

-Talent jealousy.

-You'll get over that.

Not me. Them.

Well, I will call in at the butcher's tomorrow

and see if he still needs someone in the afternoons.

Whoa, Anne.

I'm not going to go and work in some butcher's.

But you said if things didn't work out with the band, you'd get a proper job.

-You promised.

-I know.

And I have.

I've written a great work for the stage.

-What?

-I'm a writer now.

-Oh, my God.

-What?

Bill, you're not a writer.

-What's this, then? Scottish mist?

-Scotch mist.

This is why you're not a writer.

Oh! It's just another fad, Bill.

Just like the acting, the band, the interpretive dance.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. This is different.

It's like the words flow through me.

Like I'm the east and they're the sun.

-Well, not that, but...

-Bill...

Writing scripts isn't a job, not in Stratford.

You need theatres and patrons and...

-No.

-Just think about it.

There is no way that you are moving our entire family

-down to that bloody London!

-..a talented young writer in London.

You want to go to London? You go to London.

But me and the kids are not going with you.

You're 30 years old. It's time you grew up.

-What, and give up my dreams?

-They're just dreams.

Oh!

Well...we'll see who the dreamer is, sweetheart.

That London is not going to know what hit it.

People will remember the name Shakespeare...

20 years from now!

To each their dreams.

-Earl of Essex.

-Of course, sir.

-Earl of Essex!

-GATEKEEPER:

-Earl of Essex!

-Oxford.

-Of course, sir.

-Earl of Oxford!

-Earl of O!

-Croydon.

-Of course, sir.

Straight out the front gate, down the road towards Penge.

Now, you need to veer left when you hit a stream.

No, I don't want to go to Croydon. I am Croydon.

The Earl of Croydon.

-Barry.

-Yeah?

-You got a Croydon down there?

-I was here yesterday.

-All right.

-Er... Got a Chester.

Cornwall?

-Got a Crawley.

-Yes, that's me.

-But you just said Croydon.

-There is no Earl of Crawley.

That's me. Your list is wrong.

We've gotta go by the list, sir. A lot of Catholics about, you see.

You can't just let anybody in.

But he just...

Ah. Southampton, would you please tell these idiots who I am?

-Yes, Crawley, isn't it?

-CHUCKLES

-Earl of Crawley.

-Curly Wurly.

So no jokes at all as such. We go out and do funny observations.

I'd stick to the juggling.

I pulled his finger. Turned out he had dysentery.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

Ha, ha, ha.

-Anyone seen a spare chair or...?

-Drake, darling.

Are you still harping on about your little pleasure cruise?

-OTHERS:

-Oooh!

-Oooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

You're still burning your way through all your daddy's hard-earned money?

LAUGHTER Oooh-hoo-hoo!

I'm trying, love. Investing in the arts now.

It's like pouring it down a privy.

GUFFAWS

Oh, and have you erm...?

Oh, yes. Three tankards of mead and just a bowl of those crispy pork things.

-I'm the Earl of Croy...

-Now, get this.

-Go on, the one about the sailor.

-Oh!

Now, this... I warn you, you'll have to mark this one "Not safe for work."

-LAUGHTER

-No, seriously.

He calls it an apartment, but it's just a hut with...

Hang on. LIVELY TUNE FROM PALACE

I love this one.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

Is it true as well that during the battle of the Armada

they slept between 2pm and 5pm?

Yeah, mostly. We'd stop fighting and they'd go and have a lie down

or go and chuck darts at a board.

Hey, where's our drinks?

-Where are our drinks?

-I am the Earl of Croydon.

I fetch drinks for no man.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

LAUGHTER

-Here's your tip.

-Oh. "Ha-ha-ha!"

Oh, hilarious.

It's a jesters' convention.

"Ooh, I sailed around the world. Look at me, everyone. Ooh!"

You're no better than me!

-I do stuff.

-Like what, exactly?

Well, I do... er...

..juggling.

Fire eating.

Ah! I'm a prostitu...

No, sir.

Writering.

Writering? Writering.

I am a writer.

-No, you're not, darling.

-How dare you!

I'm the finest writer in all of England!

Are you, now?

Who is it?

Indeed I am, Your Majesty.

Why, how very fortuitous, Lord...

Ooh, I want to say Crawley.

Croydon, Your Majesty. The Earl of Croydon.

Crawley is down towards Horsham.

Croydon is...um...

Do you know Penge at all?

I don't care.

There is to be a diplomatic summit with our beloved cousin,

King Philip II of Spain.

-ALL: King Philip II of Spain.

-Spain.

-MUMBLES:

-Sorry.

And what better centrepiece to this fine event...

..than a demonstration of our great nation's...

..utter dominance in the arts?

A play penned by one of my very own courtiers.

And we shall be most pleased to hear this play of yours.

Because you know what happens if we're displeased.

EXHALES

-Sorry, you do know what happens if...

-Yep. Yes, yeah.

Oh, no, that's gone.

LADIES GASP

LADIES GASP AND CRY OUT

Si.

LADIES GASP

Ooh!

What is the score, Your Majesty?

Juice. LADIES COO

Your Majesty, there is a messenger here to see you.

From England.

"To His Majesty King Philip II of Spain."

That's me.

"Queen Elizabeth cordially invites you to diplomatic talks in London

"to discuss the capture of her most loyal subject, Sir Richard Hawkins."

Actually, I just need to...

I told you she would take the bait.

The rabbit is in the snare.

Your Majesty...

the specialists you requested.

Oh, yes. Talk to me.

Lope Lopez, Your Majesty.

Master of inquisition.

It's for making people talk.

Juan Domingo, Your Majesty.

Espionage...and weapon-ry.

CRIES OUT

SHOCKED CRIES

-Nice.

-Actually, I was aiming for the pillar.

-Sweaty hands.

-CLEARS HIS THROAT

And...where's the other one?

Gabriel Montoya, Your Majesty.

Master of disguise.

If you need a milkmaid, washerwomen or female fisherman,

I am your woman - man.

-WHISPERS:

-Man.

OK.

We have been presented with a...

-Why are you here again?

-Sorry. Um...

I just need to take food orders for the banquet.

Just so we've got some rough numbers on the mains.

Whatever is fine. I don't care.

Er... I can't eat shellfish.

-What?

-Well, prawns are fine.

But... I have to avoid the bivalves.

What... What, what?

Bivalves. You know, er... mussels,

scallops, oysters and...

Oh, what is the one which er...stick out of the sand?

-Razor clams.

-Razor clam!

Ai, ai, ai.

And I can't do nuts.

If I even eat a small, itty-bitty nut,

my throat, it expands, it swells like a man's thing.

-And langoustine.

-You had that thing with...

-No-one's going to force you to eat nuts.

-OK, you know what? Whatever.

-Oh...

-Just go now.

Seriously?

We have been presented with a unique opportunity

to rid the world of this Protestant cow,

to strike from within her royal court.

This is our Trojan horse.

It doesn't look like a horse.

Well, it's not an actual horse. You know, it's a...a metaphor.

Read a book.

It's a hiding place from which a secret attack can be sprung.

Gentlemen, who would like to kill a queen?

-ALL: Yes!

-Yes, please!

Yes!

Yes!

KNIFE CLATTERS

HE GRUNTS

OK, what is this? Some kind of veneer?

You need a softer wood, like a balsa, something like that.

-Or do the chair.

-Stick it in the chair maybe.

-Try the chair.

-You'll ruin the chair.

You been before?

-No, first time.

-Oooh.

It's nice. You'll like it.

-Don't steal anything.

-Yeah.

CHATTER

-BOY:

-Wait for me.

-SECOND BOY: This way.

-Here!

-Tom!

London.

WOMAN CHATTING

-Yeah, well, it's mostly pork.

-Right.

-When you say mostly pork, what?

-Well, mostly pork and other stuff.

-It doesn't matter. It's only for him.

-Yeah.

Right.

-EARL OF CROYDON:

-Ian!

Ian!

My Lord.

Why did you let me get drunk?

-I wasn't there.

-Exactly.

Look what happened.

Now I have to write this incredible play

or some power-crazed lunatic's going to chop my head off.

-Well, report him to the Queen.

-I'm talking about the Queen.

And stop leaving me multiple chamber pots.

It's very confusing.

-Still...

-HE SIGHS

I suppose writing a play can't be that hard, can it?

I mean, it's just...

talking, isn't it, but... written down.

HE SNIFFS

"Hello. I'm a man in a play."

"Hello. I'm a woman in a play."

Oh, this is easy.

-Ian?

-Hm?

Go out and fetch me paper and quills.

I'm going to put Croydon on the map.

Good day to you, sir.

I am a dramatist from a distant vale

who comes to London seeking fame and fortune.

Would you be so kind as to point me in the direction

of the city's most reputable theatre?

Ha.

HE LAUGHS

HE COUGHS

The theatres are closed, my friend.

Plague. It's killing the art.

And people. I heard.

It's taken my play. It might as well have its audience.

You're a writer?

I'm a writer too.

STOOL SCRAPES ON FLOOR

Shakespeare. Bill Shakespeare.

Christopher Marlowe.

So, what sort of stuff do you write, Chris?

Drama, tragedies, tales of betrayal and revenge.

Frailties of the human condition.

-You?

-Bum jokes.

People hit by sticks. Comedy.

-Comedy?

-You know, like erm...

SNORING

I see your mum's in.

That's not my mother.

That's not what your sister told me.

COUGHING

-That's a man.

-That's what makes it funny.

-You're not from London, are you, Bill?

-No, Stratford.

Just came down here to try and get this baby into a theatre or...

Look, I'm the most successful playwright in London

and I can't even buy a house without borrowing money.

I mean, imagine that.

If I can't make a living from the theatre,

I hardly see the works of Shakespeare

taking the world by storm.

I see.

-Do you act?

-Well, I've...trodded the boards.

I'm thinking about going for this thing.

It's not much, but it's money.

It's a two-hander, so... if you want to come along...

Thank you.

Don't thank me.

Thank your mother who is dead.

-What?

-Not like that, then?

Oh, no. No, never like that.

Right. Interesting.

So, this thing, is it a meaty role?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Not exactly.

-Vegetables!

-Vegetables.

Madam, why not try some vegetables with your meat?

Try some vegetables? They're really good for you. And they help you poo.

Get 'em right down.

Are you cold?

I'm cold.

-SHE SQUEALS

-Sssh.

-Walsingham. I thought you were dead.

-No, just in deep cover.

-But it was an open casket.

-Yeah, it was very deep.

Listen, Molly... I need some information.

Is it true, about this summit?

Oh, yes, here at the palace on the 7th.

-I hear the Spanish are hunky.

-Well, you hear wrong!

Catholics can't put on muscle mass because God hates them.

They've no muscle and no backbone, like snakes.

Surely snakes are all backbone. No?

-Well, like worms, then.

-Oh, no, worms are all muscle.

Someone knows a lot about Catholics. No, no, just... garden creatures.

Hm... One can't be too careful, Molly.

They're everywhere, you know.

The Catholic threat may be sleeping now,

but it will soon awaken like a...

-Bear?

-Yes.

Good.

Like a non-muscular, spineless bear!

SHE SQUEALS

-Uh... False alarm.

-So we're safe, then?

Safe? Ha!

If the Catholics are so weak and spineless...

What they lack in muscular, skeletal integrity,

they more than make up for in cunning.

They'll be hatching plots as we speak.

Well, should I tell the old...

-Majesty?

-No.

I will be her eyes and ears and mouth.

No, not mouth.

Just tell her Sir Francis Walsingham is back and I remain, as always,

her most faithful servant.

HE FARTS

PLOP!

KING PHILIP: We are close. Disguises on.

-Boss.

-What is it?

I don't understand.

If you have been invited to England,

why do we have to sneak ashore like this?

Because, Juan, one -

the invitation was for me and my closest advisors,

not a group of trained assassins.

They were very clear about that.

And two, Juan - an assassination like this,

it takes time and planning.

People don't just kill themselves.

My cousin did.

HE LAUGHS

Sleep well this night, dear Queen.

Soon this land shall be mine.

HE SPITS

Boss, I have some bad news.

We forgot the horse.

Gentlemen, good evening.

And welcome...to England.

If you'd just like to follow me up to Customs,

we'll get you checked in, OK?

You land us here? I said clandestine.

I don't know what that means.

One donkey, straw, made thereof.

All...righty, Richard.

If you'd like to shimmy that one along and pop the next one sur la table.

Strapping lads, like my sons would have been.

The plague.

Let's have a look. What have we got here?

OK. Ours is not to judge prior...

What's this?

-It's for making peo...

-Gazpacho.

It's for making gazpacho. It's a...cold soup.

It's very nice.

WHIRS

RATTLES AND SQUEAKS

Well, everything seems to be in order. Enjoy your stay.

Psst. Sir.

-King Philip II of Spain?

-Yes.

Oh. Very clever.

SHOUTING

GULLS CRY

-Morning.

-Walsingham.

-I thought you were dead.

-Don't believe everything you read.

-I can't read.

-Good.

-Any survivors?

-No, sir.

Whoever it was did a thorough job.

HE SNIFFS

We did get one of theirs, sir. No idea who they are.

Catholics.

The game is afoot.

BELL TOLLS

This is heavy.

Wait. That might be our man.

The weather in London is unseasonably cold for this time of year.

But the mynah bird must wait until winter before its song can be heard.

What the hell does that mean?

Honestly, you try and start a conversation with someone...

The weather in London is unseasonably cold for the time of year.

-Are you the secret Catholic contact?

-Er... Yes.

No. Um...

-Yes.

-OK, let's go.

-Right, yes. This way, Your Majesty.

-Come.

Ow.

You're kidding, right?

This is the biggest Protestant church in England.

Last place you'd look for a Catholic hideout, Your Majesty, yes.

-Hide in plain sight.

-Ha-ha.

Yes, I like this guy. He's got cojones.

Come along, come along. This way.

-Sorry.

-Sssh. OVERLAPPING CHATTER

Over here.

SCRAPING AND CLANKING

SQUEAKING

Your Majesty, I think you'll find everything you need.

Jesus Christ.

LOW CHATTER STOPS

Sorry.

BILL: My sweet angel.

Greetings from that London.

I am delighted to report that despite your slight doubts,

my dreams of success are coming to fruition.

Sorry. Trousers stolen in the night.

Very much not my fault.

I have secured a challenging role performing daily

with renowned dramatist Christopher Marlowe.

I greatly regret the terms on which we parted

and look forward to your reply,

as reading it would provide a welcome distraction

from my tireless schedule of rehearsals, performances and...

Oh, no.

-CHILDREN:

-Daddy!

-Daddy!

-Hey, guys!

HE LAUGHS

-Wh... What are you doing here?

-I brought the kids to see Daddy.

-And what's Daddy dressed as?

-CHILDREN:

-A tomato.

Mm-hm.

And can we think of any plays that a tomato might be in?

-Gosh, well, there's...

-Look, kids.

-A human statue.

-No, he's... dead.

Oh, look. A juggler. Go and have a look. Go on.

-Wow.

-So this is it, is it?

-This is your big, challenging role?

-OK, I admit I'm not on the stage yet.

But I'm making inroads.

If I work really hard, I could be the next Christopher Marlowe.

Oh, this is Christopher Marlowe.

Chris, Anne. Anne, Chris.

-Hello.

-I'm staying with Aunt Jane.

Have them back by three.

Anne, please, give me a chance.

-CROYDON:

-Enter our hero. Let's call him Hero.

Erm... Blah, blah, blah...

Oh, God. Writing's hard.

That poor sexy woman.

SCRAPING

LAUGHTER

Hello, my dear.

Going somewhere?

THEY LAUGH

Here, look. Ring and ting.

-Get away from me!

-Unhand that beautiful woman, sir!

What's the matter with you? Cowards?

Get him.

-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

-THEY CRY OUT ANNE:

-Aaaah!

KNIFE CLATTERS

Oh.

Bit embarrassing.

HE WHIMPERS

Let that be a lesson to you.

Good God. Are you all right?

It's quite hard to tell. I mean, it's deep, but it hasn't gone...

-Oh, right.

-Thank you.

Quickly. Poor people are easily startled, but they'll soon be back.

And in greater numbers. Come.

Aaargh!

-Don't dawdle, Ian.

-I'll be right with you.

-HE GROANS

-He's had lunch.

And I take his throat out. Nnnyh!

And the blood is...

It's everywhere. It's on the walls, it's on the architraves, on the rugs.

And the Queen, she tries to get away,

but she can't run because she's slipping in all of the blood.

So I grab her by the hair and I pull her round to look at me

and I say, "Knock, knock! Lope's here!"

And she's like, "Oh, no!" And I go, "Shut up!"

And I put my thumbs right into her eyes and when I let go,

the eyes, they plop out and drop down onto the cheeks.

And so I pick up the eyes and I look at them with my eyes and I go,

"Ahh! Do you like that, lady, huh? Do you like that?"

-OK.

-Yeah.

Thank you for that, Lope. It's very nice.

-Let's call that plan J. Hm?

-Plan J.

OK.

Sorry. Do you want to...?

-Oh.

-Hm.

The problem with it is, because of the unfortunate incident on the beach...

..the authorities are now on high alert.

The issue is now not how we kill the Queen

but getting close enough to do it.

Boss, I have an idea.

Does it involve you dressing up as a lady?

-Well, yes.

-OK, any other ideas in the room?

No, no, please, please.

Listen.

We need to find a way to get us all inside the palace without raising suspicion.

The play's the thing.

Yes, that's it.

MURMURING

We must find this Earl of Croydon...

for his play is our Trojan horse.

Any questions?

Please come in, relax. Welcome to my humble abode.

-I really don't think this is necessary.

-No, no, it's no trouble at all.

-You're in deep shock.

-Actually, I don't think I am.

Yeah, that's one of the symptoms.

Ian, would you fetch the lady some brandy, please?

-Brandy.

-And nibbles. Fetch some nibbles.

Oh.

So...

-Erm... Is there somewhere I could...?

-Oh, yes, of course.

Just up the stairs, second on the left.

HE GROWLS

HE GASPS

Ian, whoever that is, I'm out!

Gentlemen. How may I...

Right.

Seriously, Lope, what is wrong with you? Hm?

-What?

-Is this about your dad?

-Ian, who was it?

-Some handsome men.

Who the hell are you?

HE GASPS

King Philip II of Spain.

Oh.

Oh, God. Not now.

-Anyway, how are you?

-Don't worry.

If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already.

What is this, some sort of Catholic plot?

LAUGHTER

A Catholic plot? LAUGHTER CONTINUES

No, no, no. I assure you, there is no conspiracy here.

No, no, no. It's just that things between me and your beautiful Queen...

LAUGHTER

..they have been a little bit...difficult.

So, I was thinking.

How can I demonstrate that our two nations

can work together, in harmony?

A half-and-half flag cake?

It's a cake, obviously.

Half of it looks like the English flag.

-Imagine...

-The other...

..this great play of yours ends.

People are applauding, they are cheering.

Then you step forward and you say,

"Your Majesty, surprise.

"This play has been a collaboration with our Spanish friends."

She cries. She hugs you.

She gives you Devon.

-I do like Devon.

-Who doesn't?

Together...we shall put on a play that will go down in history...

-Wait a minute. Is this it?

-Yeah, well, it's not quite finished.

Not quite finished? It's, what, three pages?

It's been a bit of a struggle, if I'm honest.

You're telling me. "Hello. I'm a man in a play."

"I am a woman also in a play."

-Talk about clunky exposition.

-Well, what do you expect me to do?

Stumble across some unsuspecting young writer with a completed play,

hoodwink him, steal his work and pass it off as my own?

Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't realise you had visitors.

Oh, Anne,

this is, erm...

-Geoff... Smith.

-Yes.

A theatrical impresario. And these are the...

..Cockney Players of Bow.

-All right?

-London Town.

Down the rub-a-dub.

You see, I'm putting on a play for the Queen.

If you can find one, mate.

LAUGHTER

-I'll find one, mate.

-Well, you better had.

LAUGHTER

My husband's written a play.

Can you spare a moment to talk about vegetables at all?

-No.

-They're really good for you and...

Hey. What are you doing?

This is a meat market, mate.

This is our patch, not some sort of vegetable pa...

Surely there's room enough for...

There some sort of problem here, Leslie?

No, no. No problem.

Just a salad that needs addressing.

Ups-a-daisy.

Here, you can't just walk around pushing people about.

What, like that?

LAUGHS

Take your veg and stick it!

-All right.

-Sorry, mate.

-Had a bad day.

-Fancy a spot of lunch?

We'll get something light.

Phil Shakespeare?

-WOMAN:

-Bring out your dead!

Marlowe.

-Bring out your dead!

-FLIES BUZZING

Who's dead?

HE GASPS

Walsingham.

-I thought you were dead.

-I'm as alive as the next man.

Just...hiding in plain sight.

In these troubled times, a truly...

-It's a pretty good yield.

-Yeah, it's been a good day today.

-Any more dead?

-Anyway, down to business.

I need some information.

No, I'm out of the spying game,

I told you. I'm now a credible artiste.

There's been a dip in writing work.

-The cucumber's for the dip.

-Makes sense.

Well, spy or no spy, I would ask you to keep your ear to the ground

for any signs of a Catholic plot.

-Well, like what?

-Well, I don't know.

Er... Priest holes, candles, massive Marys...

..big pictures of the Pope.

If you see anything, you can contact me

through the pie stall in the marketplace.

Until next time, then, I'll bid you...adieu.

-Your Majesty.

-Hm.

BILL: Familiarise yourself with this.

-"Thou shalt be king."

-BILL: Don't be nervous.

THEY REHEARSE LINES Same for you, Mick.

-I have lady parts.

-Erm...

-I have the lady parts?

-Oh, yes, I see.

Erm... Yeah, you're playing both female roles.

OK! Suit the action to the word and the word to the action.

Oh, and speak the speech as I pronounced it to you,

because some of you have slightly weird accents.

-ATTEMPTS COCKNEY ACCENT:

-All-day breakfast. Fish and chips.

Good. Well...

Best of luck, guys. Break a leg.

No problem.

-Nibbles?

-No.

BILL: Presenting a bold new work for the stage by Bill Shakespeare.

LIVELY INTRO

# Two men who look the same

# But have a different aim

# It's a series of funny misunderstandings

# Two twins each with a lover

# Who mistake each for the other

# Somehow fall into the service of a mad king

-# Take this letter

-Wait, there's two

# And they mix up which goes to who

# The comic complications keep expanding

# In a tale so confused You can't help but be amused

# By this series of funny misunderstandings

-# A jilted bride

-That's not funny

-# Pretend she died?

-On the money!

# And her poisoned body's hidden by a monk

-# Until a fool who's quite smart

-He's a fool, that's a start

-#

-Says, "This monk is nuts"

-And locks him in a trunk

# And his servant, make him thick Then hit him with a stick

# It's a series of funny misunderstandings

# Cue a mixed-up wedding blessing

# Further vexed by more cross-dressing

# Which goes on to heal two families at war

# When the bride they thought was dead comes back with a donkey's head

# But marries anyway because her groom

# Has been drugged by a whore!

# Add a priest, add a lion, add a wrangle over money

-#

-It's too much

-I'm confused

# Yes, that's what makes it funny

# Severed heads, star-crossed lovers

# English kings, evil mothers

# With a big happy ending notwithstanding

# We think you'll agree this has turned out to be

# A series of

# Funny misunderstandings! #

HE PANTS

Oh, God, I'm dead.

DOOR CLOSES

LOW CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

I heard about the play.

Sorry, mate.

Why are you dressed as a sausage?

I got turned. Playing for the other team now.

Well, if they need a spare rib, put a word in.

-Looks like I need a change of career.

-Oh, come on, Bill.

I'm sure it's not all that bad.

You know, sometimes these things, they seem worse than they actually...are.

Oh, no. Why would you...?

Where's all the...?

What the hell's that?

Dance moves.

I'm not a writer, am I?

Just a fad.

Right, first things first - write what you know.

OK?

Well, get a quill.

And ales.

You've just got to take in everything around you. Take in all your surroundings.

SOUNDTRACK OVER DIALOGUE

-Yes!

-Yes!

-Ow!

-This is not a library.

His Lordship sent me for Mr Shakespeare's play.

-Oh, well, there you go.

-I'll deal with this.

Mr Shakespeare works for coin, which I don't see any...of.

His Lordship said he'd pay Mr Shakespeare when he saw him next.

Don't give me that old chuff. You know how this works.

-No money, no funny.

-All right.

Don't stab the messenger...please.

You tell Mr Croydon that Mr Shakespeare will meet him tonight.

Somewhere neutral. The Bull's Inn, Deptford.

It's quite safe. He brings the money, he gets the script.

-I'll tell him.

-Good.

And I'll tell your mum... who isn't here.

-Needs work.

-Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

You'll be fine. Just stick to your guns.

50 pounds, not a farthing less.

-Got it.

-Bill.

-I think you've got something.

-What, from the river?

No. I mean...

..talent.

It's a little rough, sure, but...it's there.

So, I am a writer?

Not yet. This...

..I can teach you.

Only you can find this.

A nipple?

We'll work on it.

Thanks, Chris.

CHUCKLING

Thanks.

Bill, you forgot the play!

Sorry. I...

Oh, no.

Christopher Marlowe. How nice to see you again.

It would seem your world has been turned upside down.

Which is funny, because you are the wrong way up.

Look, I know I missed a few payments, but...

Ssssh!

Honestly, you writers.

BOTH: You are all the same.

We lend you money to buy little house.

You now have little house. You pay back money.

Absolutely, and I will.

Overdue payments may result in increased interest rates,

recovery action and forfeiture of life and limb/limbs.

Terms and conditions apply.

-Small print?

-Not really.

Although, admittedly, it is in Russian.

Perhaps we were not clear what happens to people who are late twice.

This is a late customer.

-Urgh!

-Which is funny because he is dead.

In order to avoid further inconvenience,

we now require you to pay full amount.

50 English cash pounds by this time tomorrow.

50? Where the hell am I supposed to find 50...pounds?

£50 by tomorrow. Or we have to buy another trunk.

Ooh. Got you these.

Some sort of rose. I forget the name.

I've got news.

SHE GIGGLES Keep them closed.

OK?

Open them.

-I've sold my play.

-Wow.

To an earl.

Earl of Croydon.

-It's near Penge.

-Penge, yeah.

And they're putting it on for the Queen. Not here. At the palace.

This was just, you know...

-For the drama.

-Yeah.

But it's good, Anne.

-Imagine it.

-Where...?

Get down from there.

The Rose Theatre is delighted

to present a play by Bill Shakespeare!

SHE LAUGHS

Listen.

I know I haven't always made things...easy.

But it really feels like things are looking up for me.

For us.

And you said I'd never make it.

-What?

-"Go and be a butcher," you said.

"Don't go to London," you said. Well, look at me now.

Hang on a minute. I've always supported you.

Well, yes and no.

-I mean, up to a point, but...

-Up to a point?

Well, let's face it, here I am, in London,

about to perform my play for the Queen.

And who's that down to?

Yours truly.

Number 1A, Me Avenue.

-It was me, you idiot.

-What?

-I told Croydon about your play.

-What? When?

-The other day, at his house.

-At his house, were you?

-Not like that. He picked me up.

-Did he, now?

-I was trying to help you.

-Well, I don't need your help.

Well, that's a bit of luck, isn't it? Because you're not going to get it again.

-I'm going back to Stratford.

-Fine.

One day you'll realise what you just lost.

I hope it was all worth it.

No, one day you'll realise what you lost, when I'm up here.

When I'm up here.

APPLAUSE

THUNDER RUMBLES

Saying things in a short, snappy way

instead of a long, drawn-out way is the soul of wit.

Ooh. Someone's been in the wars.

Yes, I...

-What are you doing in a pie?

-It's a disguise.

Or one might say a dis-pies.

Now, that works in three ways.

One, it's a disguise. Two, the disguise is pies.

And three, it's got the word "spies" in it, so...

-It's very clever.

-Mm.

What did you want?

-Well, you know Catholic plots?

-Does the Pope wear a silly hat?

I think I may have found one.

He rents a room above The Quill and Rapier.

Well, you'll see for yourself.

He's turned it into some sort of Catholic shrine.

What the...?

I'm being framed.

-MEN:

-Left, right, left...

-Come on, lads.

Chris? BANGING ON DOOR

-MEN:

-Left, right, left...

Mr Shakespeare, I presume.

You, my friend, are going straight to he... Aargh!

-MEN:

-Left, right, left, right...

After him, you fools!

CLUCKING

OVERLAPPING CHATTER

Right! Can everyone please stop arriving?

-Where's the money?

-Where's Shakespeare?

He's...tied up. I'm...his agent.

Play first.

What the hell's this?

Your change, sir.

SQUELCH

Urgh! Aargh!

A pleasure doing business with you.

Why?

Er... Cheaper.

MARLOWE GASPS

-King Philip II of Spain.

-Sssh.

MARLOWE GROANS It's a secret, you see.

This play you have kindly provided me with...

..I'm going to use it to kill the Queen.

A Catholic plot. You fiend!

Don't be like that.

Oh, don't take it out. Don't take it out.

It won't hurt if I do it quickly. It's a bit like erm...

Do you do your eyebrows?

-No.

-OK. Well, it's a little bit like that.

Aargh!

LAUGHTER

Bill...

Chris, I'm going to kill you! MARLOWE GROANS

Join the club, mate.

-Oh, my God.

-No, it's a scratch. It's just a scratch.

It's nothing.

Actually, that is quite bad, isn't it?

Chris?

I betrayed you.

I needed the play, the money.

-I'm in terrible debt.

-This was over a debt?

No, no. This was... Catholics.

-Catholics?

-Croydon's company.

-They're Spanish agents.

-The Cockney Players?

-But they're from Bow.

-No.

Mark me, they plan to use our play to somehow kill the Queen.

You must go to the pie stall in the marketplace.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Oh, sorry. Did you want that?

Want it? He isn't dead.

Well, not quite. But I knock off in five, and realistically...

Go away!

Right, you see her? Well, your mum...

-For God's sake, not now, Chris.

-Yes, yes, the plot.

You must find Walsingham.

Go to the pie stall in the marketplace and say these code words.

Saying things in a short, snappy way...soul of wit.

You mean "brevity".

Er... Yeah.

But say it my way.

And Walsingham will deal with the Spanish.

Avenge me, my friend...

for now I go...and it is done.

The bell invites me.

One more thing.

The...the script I gave them, it's...

It...

So wise, so young...

..they say do never live long.

Seriously?

Well, Your Majesty, we have our play.

Cheers.

We'll stop for nibbles.

Yes, I don't want to worry you,

but this reads a lot like a Russian loan agreement.

Why, that double-crossing little...

Furs!

Get your lovely furs!

High fashion furs!

High fashion...

Saying things in a short, snappy way inst...

- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.

King Philip II of Spain.

HE GROANS

- Where is the play? - I don't know.

You'd better tell me...

or I will let Lope here loose with his device.

You don't want to know where this bit goes.

So, you'd better tell me...

-In your bum.

-Don't actually say it.

Why are you saying it? It's more dramatic if you don't say it. I... What?

OK.

Listen, as far as I knew, you had the play.

- I don't know where he's put it. - Then you will write me a new play.

Without Chris, that's impossible.

Nothing is impossible, Mr Shakespeare.

Given the proper motivation.

- Anne. - That's right.

We have Jan.

It's Anne.

Is it? Oh.

-Why?

-Because the Queen needs a play

and I'm not about to let her down.

But he's going to kill the Queen, you idiot!

I think you mean surprise the Queen.

HE CHUCKLES

-Right?

-Well, it's kind of a surprise.

Oh!

Oh, you villainous snake.

As a loyal peer and patriot,

I would never betray the sovereign power.

-You still get Devon.

-Very much back on board.

So, you write me a new play...

..otherwise, it's, "Adios, senora."

- It's...? - It's Spanish for "Goodbye, lady."

It means I'm going to kill her.

Look, you wrote play before. Write it again.

I thought you were playwright.

Well, you thought wrong.

I can't do this, not on my own.

I hope that is not true. For your sake.

DOOR CLOSES

EXHALING

Bill.

What art thou?

By heaven I charge thee, speak.

Hello.

Erm... Hello.

You're not here.

You're just a tired mind playing tricks.

I'm a friend when you need one. Question not my coming.

So you've come to help me? With the play?

LAUGHS

I can no more lift a quill than I can tip this cup.

CUP CLATTERS

That was a coincidence.

The point is, I cannot give you help.

You don't need it.

I've got nothing here.

No characters, no story.

No story? No story in the time we've shared?

Of the hand that fate has dealt you these days past?

Tales of betrayal, plotting kings, the death of a friend.

Such twists and turns as would shame any fiction.

Write what you know.

I can do this.

I can do this.

No, no, no. Wait, wait. That's just the story.

What of the words?

HE SNIFFLES

It's a hit.

A palpable hit.

So my wife can go.

But you haven't finished yet. I have some notes.

Number one, we lose this.

It's your play now.

And number two, the end could be a little more...

How shall I say?

Explosive.

-OTHERS:

-Hooray!

Sssh.

-WHISPER:

-Hooray.

Hm.

Gather round. So, here's the plan.

You will stack the gunpowder behind the stage during the first act.

Juan will then light the fuse when he hears Ramon,

who plays witch number three, say the line,

Thou shalt be king hereafter.

Hope you like bombs.

I shall then make my excuses

and sneak out while you exit through the kitchen.

Gotta go now. Bye.

And Mr Shakespeare will be coming with us

to witness the final act in his little drama,

where we will quite literally bring the house down.

KING PHILIP LAUGHS

Come on. It's a theatre joke.

Gentlemen, to the palace!

OK. Left a bit, John.

Left. My left!

Right. And let it go.

Gemma!

Big day today, obviously.

Security level has been set at dark woad,

which I believe is this one?

Erm... Hello? Excuse me?

Where are you going?

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-We're the Cockney Players of Bow, me old plate.

-Yeah.

-The actors, yes.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to that. I used to do a turn myself.

I don't know if you've ever heard of The Sticky Players?

Oh... Magic days.

Anyway, just follow the path and you'll get to the front gate.

Hang on. What are those barrels about?

ALL: Er...

Well, there's a Cockney song, in't there, mate,

where we roll 'em out?

-# Roll out the barrels, mate

-OTHERS JOIN IN

-MUFFLED CRIES

-# We'll give you some barrels of fun

-Yeah, mate.

-# Where's he coming from? #

Very good. Well, off you trot, then.

HORSE WHINNIES

MUFFLED CRIES

Cheeky.

Right, drapes. Gemma!

FANFARE

Classic.

King Philip II of Spain.

-COURTIERS: King Philip II of Spain.

-..Spain.

Sorry.

Her most excellent Majesty...

by the grace of God, Elizabeth...

..Queen of England...

..France and Ireland.

Defender of the Faith.

-Most improved monarch '92 to...

-Let's assume he knows who I am.

Your Majesty, it is a very great honour to be

invited to your fine country,

which I just got to this morning.

I came straight here. No funny business.

Whoa! Talk about boat-lagged.

Philip.

It is our greatest hope that this summit shall pave the way

to lasting peace between our two great nations.

Right, come on, let's get this over with.

MIMICS EXPLOSION

First we eat, and before you ask, the soup's served hot.

Ah, come off it.

Then we watch Crawley's new play

and finally we discuss the release of Hawkins.

Who?

Hello!

Oh, yes, him, the reason I'm here. Ha-ha!

Mind like a gauze. It's terrible.

Yeah, that's him.

Oh. And one of 'em said something about a pie stall.

-AS A WOMAN:

-What about the voice?

Is it convincing?

Gabriel... I don't care.

LAUGHTER

You then chop up the tomatoes, you cook the onions, but then you leave it a bit...

OK.

Burghley. I like what you've done with this. Huh?

Two beards in one. Very nice.

HE CHUCKLES

Whoa. Better make it a good one.

The wife's in.

Oh! Didn't I mention? It seems Devon comes with a duchess.

HE SNIGGERS

Well, he may be a crazed religious extremist,

but this Shakespeare is smart.

And a truly smart man knows...

..you hide in plain sight!

Ladies and gentlemen...

..Your Majesties,

I'm delighted to present for your entertainment

a new tragedy...

comedy/drama/history play,

written by and co-starring the Earl of Croydon.

That's me. Croydon.

FANFARE

Oh, for a muse of fire...

..that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention,

a kingdom for a stage, princes to act

and monarchs to behold this swelling scene.

SQUEAKING

APPLAUSE

Did you see? Did you see?

I was just... They were...

PLAY CONTINUES

I am so going to hell.

Evening.

-You set me free.

-No, you set me free.

Let's go.

BOTH: Where are you going?

We have to save Anne, stop the plot.

-Are you crazy in the coconut?

-What's a coconut?

Well, my Catholic friends,

you have led me a merry dance.

But now it would seem that I have the upper hand!

SHOUTING

Aaargh!

-I won't leave her, not again.

-Well, then, you are on your own.

May God be with you, my friend.

'Tis... enough.

GASPS OF SHOCK

Bit of a rewrite.

"A Play for Her Majesty"?

Ha!

Hark.

By the pricking of my thumbs,

oh, something wicked this way comes.

SCREECHING AND CACKLING

Witches...

Witches! OK.

Scared.

How now, you secret, black and midnight hags.

Hail to thee, the Thane of Glamis.

Hail to thee, the Thane of Cawdor.

Hail to thee, for thou shalt be king.

BOOM

CRIES OF SURPRISE

-Mark me.

-What the hell?

-What the hell?

-What the hell?

I could a tale unfold

whose lightest word would harrow up thy soul,

freeze thy blood, make thine eyes like stars start from their spheres.

A foul and most unnatural murder.

Marlowe?

That I now avenge!