Bill


Bill

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GUARDS CHAT

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HE CRIES OUT

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GUARD GROANS

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LOW CHATTER

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COIN CLINKS ON FLOOR

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GUARD: Oh...por favor.

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HE STRAINS

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Holy Maria.

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HE STRAINS

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Please, I...

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MAN: Well, well, well, well.

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If it isn't Sir Richard Hawkins.

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Thieving English privateer and pain in the bum hole.

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Is that you, Phil?

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King Phil...ip.

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I thought so.

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-You don't mind if I...?

-Oh, no, no, no, no.

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-You carry on. Fill your boots.

-That's very decent of you.

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Hm-mm-mm.

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Love to stop for a portrait, but, er...must dash.

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Do look me up if ever one of your Armadas pans out

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and I'll take you out in London.

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-My treat.

-I'll be sure to pop it in the diary.

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You seem very chipper for someone being robbed.

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No, it's just I'm a... a little bit excited.

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You see, I'm interested to see how you're going to get out of this one.

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HE GASPS

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It's a round room, no corners, two exits.

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Not exactly holding all the cards there, Phil.

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Have you forgotten the first rule of espionage?

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No. Always hide in plain sight.

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SINGSONG VOICE: Mr Hawkins.

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Oh, bugger.

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GUARD: Take him.

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Get him up!

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I sail under the sovereign protection of Queen Elizabeth

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and she will not stand for this!

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Good.

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I'm counting on it.

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HORSE WHINNIES

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-Make way!

-PANICKED CRIES

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Make way!

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Aaargh!

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-YELLS:

-Make way!

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I don't suppose you could...?

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He's gone.

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Make way!

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Letter for Her Majesty.

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Where is she?

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-Undressing. What is it?

-King Philip II of Spain.

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It would seem...

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..he's captured Sir Richard.

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SHE GASPS

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-QUEEN ELIZABETH:

-Hawkins?

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I agree, Your Majesty,

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Hawkins is a most valuable asset

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and we all want him back out there robbing the Spanishes.

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But diplomacy is our only option.

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-A summit with King Philip.

-LADIES-IN-WAITING: Ooh!

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As your father, King Henry, always said,

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"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

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And a lot of stuff about women that I never really...

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-Will there be dancing?

-What about a joust?

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-Kiss chase.

-Sex wrestling.

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-Perhaps a nice play.

-I hardly think we need to...

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-QUEEN ELIZABETH:

-Wait.

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Who said...a play?

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BOY: I'll get you!

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BOYS LAUGH

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-WOMAN:

-Bill! Bill!

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-What?

-Your friends are here.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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gently to hear, kindly to judge,

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we are... Mortal Coil.

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LIVELY TUNE

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PLAYS SOLO

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CONTINUES SOLO

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-It's not you.

-It is you.

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It is you.

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Maybe you're destined for something different.

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Like what?

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-Erm...

-Er...

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-Cooking.

-Anyway, we'd better...

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..shuffle off.

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Sorry, Bill.

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Sorry, Bill.

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I thought his name was Phil.

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I knew something like this was going to happen.

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-Talent jealousy.

-You'll get over that.

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Not me. Them.

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Well, I will call in at the butcher's tomorrow

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and see if he still needs someone in the afternoons.

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Whoa, Anne.

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I'm not going to go and work in some butcher's.

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But you said if things didn't work out with the band, you'd get a proper job.

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-You promised.

-I know.

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And I have.

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I've written a great work for the stage.

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-What?

-I'm a writer now.

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-Oh, my God.

-What?

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Bill, you're not a writer.

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-What's this, then? Scottish mist?

-Scotch mist.

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This is why you're not a writer.

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Oh! It's just another fad, Bill.

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Just like the acting, the band, the interpretive dance.

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No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. This is different.

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It's like the words flow through me.

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Like I'm the east and they're the sun.

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-Well, not that, but...

-Bill...

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Writing scripts isn't a job, not in Stratford.

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You need theatres and patrons and...

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-No.

-Just think about it.

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There is no way that you are moving our entire family

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-down to that bloody London!

-..a talented young writer in London.

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You want to go to London? You go to London.

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But me and the kids are not going with you.

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You're 30 years old. It's time you grew up.

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-What, and give up my dreams?

-They're just dreams.

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Oh!

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Well...we'll see who the dreamer is, sweetheart.

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That London is not going to know what hit it.

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People will remember the name Shakespeare...

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20 years from now!

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To each their dreams.

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-Earl of Essex.

-Of course, sir.

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-Earl of Essex!

-GATEKEEPER:

-Earl of Essex!

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-Oxford.

-Of course, sir.

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-Earl of Oxford!

-Earl of O!

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-Croydon.

-Of course, sir.

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Straight out the front gate, down the road towards Penge.

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Now, you need to veer left when you hit a stream.

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No, I don't want to go to Croydon. I am Croydon.

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The Earl of Croydon.

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-Barry.

-Yeah?

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-You got a Croydon down there?

-I was here yesterday.

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-All right.

-Er... Got a Chester.

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Cornwall?

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-Got a Crawley.

-Yes, that's me.

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-But you just said Croydon.

-There is no Earl of Crawley.

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That's me. Your list is wrong.

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We've gotta go by the list, sir. A lot of Catholics about, you see.

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You can't just let anybody in.

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But he just...

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Ah. Southampton, would you please tell these idiots who I am?

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-Yes, Crawley, isn't it?

-CHUCKLES

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-Earl of Crawley.

-Curly Wurly.

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So no jokes at all as such. We go out and do funny observations.

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I'd stick to the juggling.

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I pulled his finger. Turned out he had dysentery.

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RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

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Ha, ha, ha.

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-Anyone seen a spare chair or...?

-Drake, darling.

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Are you still harping on about your little pleasure cruise?

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-OTHERS:

-Oooh!

-Oooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

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You're still burning your way through all your daddy's hard-earned money?

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LAUGHTER Oooh-hoo-hoo!

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I'm trying, love. Investing in the arts now.

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It's like pouring it down a privy.

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GUFFAWS

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Oh, and have you erm...?

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Oh, yes. Three tankards of mead and just a bowl of those crispy pork things.

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-I'm the Earl of Croy...

-Now, get this.

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-Go on, the one about the sailor.

-Oh!

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Now, this... I warn you, you'll have to mark this one "Not safe for work."

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-LAUGHTER

-No, seriously.

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He calls it an apartment, but it's just a hut with...

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Hang on. LIVELY TUNE FROM PALACE

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I love this one.

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LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

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Is it true as well that during the battle of the Armada

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they slept between 2pm and 5pm?

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Yeah, mostly. We'd stop fighting and they'd go and have a lie down

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or go and chuck darts at a board.

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Hey, where's our drinks?

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-Where are our drinks?

-I am the Earl of Croydon.

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I fetch drinks for no man.

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-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

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LAUGHTER

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-Here's your tip.

-Oh. "Ha-ha-ha!"

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Oh, hilarious.

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It's a jesters' convention.

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"Ooh, I sailed around the world. Look at me, everyone. Ooh!"

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You're no better than me!

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-I do stuff.

-Like what, exactly?

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Well, I do... er...

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..juggling.

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Fire eating.

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Ah! I'm a prostitu...

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No, sir.

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Writering.

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Writering? Writering.

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I am a writer.

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-No, you're not, darling.

-How dare you!

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I'm the finest writer in all of England!

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Are you, now?

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Who is it?

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Indeed I am, Your Majesty.

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Why, how very fortuitous, Lord...

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Ooh, I want to say Crawley.

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Croydon, Your Majesty. The Earl of Croydon.

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Crawley is down towards Horsham.

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Croydon is...um...

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Do you know Penge at all?

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I don't care.

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There is to be a diplomatic summit with our beloved cousin,

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King Philip II of Spain.

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-ALL: King Philip II of Spain.

-Spain.

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-MUMBLES:

-Sorry.

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And what better centrepiece to this fine event...

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..than a demonstration of our great nation's...

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..utter dominance in the arts?

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A play penned by one of my very own courtiers.

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And we shall be most pleased to hear this play of yours.

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Because you know what happens if we're displeased.

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EXHALES

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-Sorry, you do know what happens if...

-Yep. Yes, yeah.

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Oh, no, that's gone.

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LADIES GASP

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LADIES GASP AND CRY OUT

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Si.

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LADIES GASP

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Ooh!

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What is the score, Your Majesty?

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Juice. LADIES COO

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Your Majesty, there is a messenger here to see you.

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From England.

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"To His Majesty King Philip II of Spain."

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That's me.

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"Queen Elizabeth cordially invites you to diplomatic talks in London

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"to discuss the capture of her most loyal subject, Sir Richard Hawkins."

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Actually, I just need to...

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I told you she would take the bait.

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The rabbit is in the snare.

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Your Majesty...

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the specialists you requested.

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Oh, yes. Talk to me.

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Lope Lopez, Your Majesty.

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Master of inquisition.

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It's for making people talk.

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Juan Domingo, Your Majesty.

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Espionage...and weapon-ry.

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CRIES OUT

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SHOCKED CRIES

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-Nice.

-Actually, I was aiming for the pillar.

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-Sweaty hands.

-CLEARS HIS THROAT

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And...where's the other one?

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Gabriel Montoya, Your Majesty.

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Master of disguise.

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If you need a milkmaid, washerwomen or female fisherman,

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I am your woman - man.

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-WHISPERS:

-Man.

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OK.

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We have been presented with a...

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-Why are you here again?

-Sorry. Um...

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I just need to take food orders for the banquet.

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Just so we've got some rough numbers on the mains.

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Whatever is fine. I don't care.

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Er... I can't eat shellfish.

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-What?

-Well, prawns are fine.

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But... I have to avoid the bivalves.

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What... What, what?

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Bivalves. You know, er... mussels,

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scallops, oysters and...

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Oh, what is the one which er...stick out of the sand?

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-Razor clams.

-Razor clam!

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Ai, ai, ai.

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And I can't do nuts.

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If I even eat a small, itty-bitty nut,

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my throat, it expands, it swells like a man's thing.

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-And langoustine.

-You had that thing with...

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-No-one's going to force you to eat nuts.

-OK, you know what? Whatever.

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-Oh...

-Just go now.

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Seriously?

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We have been presented with a unique opportunity

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to rid the world of this Protestant cow,

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to strike from within her royal court.

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This is our Trojan horse.

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It doesn't look like a horse.

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Well, it's not an actual horse. You know, it's a...a metaphor.

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Read a book.

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It's a hiding place from which a secret attack can be sprung.

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Gentlemen, who would like to kill a queen?

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-ALL: Yes!

-Yes, please!

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Yes!

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Yes!

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KNIFE CLATTERS

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HE GRUNTS

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OK, what is this? Some kind of veneer?

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You need a softer wood, like a balsa, something like that.

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-Or do the chair.

-Stick it in the chair maybe.

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-Try the chair.

-You'll ruin the chair.

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You been before?

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-No, first time.

-Oooh.

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It's nice. You'll like it.

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-Don't steal anything.

-Yeah.

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CHATTER

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-BOY:

-Wait for me.

-SECOND BOY: This way.

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-Here!

-Tom!

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London.

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WOMAN CHATTING

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-Yeah, well, it's mostly pork.

-Right.

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-When you say mostly pork, what?

-Well, mostly pork and other stuff.

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-It doesn't matter. It's only for him.

-Yeah.

0:20:390:20:41

Right.

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-EARL OF CROYDON:

-Ian!

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Ian!

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My Lord.

0:21:110:21:12

Why did you let me get drunk?

0:21:120:21:14

-I wasn't there.

-Exactly.

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Look what happened.

0:21:160:21:18

Now I have to write this incredible play

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or some power-crazed lunatic's going to chop my head off.

0:21:200:21:23

-Well, report him to the Queen.

-I'm talking about the Queen.

0:21:230:21:26

And stop leaving me multiple chamber pots.

0:21:270:21:30

It's very confusing.

0:21:300:21:32

-Still...

-HE SIGHS

0:21:320:21:34

I suppose writing a play can't be that hard, can it?

0:21:340:21:37

I mean, it's just...

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talking, isn't it, but... written down.

0:21:390:21:42

HE SNIFFS

0:21:420:21:43

"Hello. I'm a man in a play."

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"Hello. I'm a woman in a play."

0:21:450:21:48

Oh, this is easy.

0:21:480:21:50

-Ian?

-Hm?

0:21:500:21:52

Go out and fetch me paper and quills.

0:21:520:21:54

I'm going to put Croydon on the map.

0:21:540:21:58

Good day to you, sir.

0:22:120:22:14

I am a dramatist from a distant vale

0:22:140:22:16

who comes to London seeking fame and fortune.

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Would you be so kind as to point me in the direction

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of the city's most reputable theatre?

0:22:220:22:24

Ha.

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HE LAUGHS

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HE COUGHS

0:22:280:22:30

The theatres are closed, my friend.

0:22:300:22:32

Plague. It's killing the art.

0:22:320:22:35

And people. I heard.

0:22:350:22:38

It's taken my play. It might as well have its audience.

0:22:380:22:40

You're a writer?

0:22:400:22:41

I'm a writer too.

0:22:410:22:44

STOOL SCRAPES ON FLOOR

0:22:440:22:46

Shakespeare. Bill Shakespeare.

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Christopher Marlowe.

0:22:510:22:52

So, what sort of stuff do you write, Chris?

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Drama, tragedies, tales of betrayal and revenge.

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Frailties of the human condition.

0:22:570:22:59

-You?

-Bum jokes.

0:22:590:23:02

People hit by sticks. Comedy.

0:23:020:23:04

-Comedy?

-You know, like erm...

0:23:050:23:08

SNORING

0:23:080:23:09

I see your mum's in.

0:23:090:23:11

That's not my mother.

0:23:110:23:13

That's not what your sister told me.

0:23:130:23:15

COUGHING

0:23:150:23:16

-That's a man.

-That's what makes it funny.

0:23:180:23:21

-You're not from London, are you, Bill?

-No, Stratford.

0:23:210:23:25

Just came down here to try and get this baby into a theatre or...

0:23:250:23:28

Look, I'm the most successful playwright in London

0:23:280:23:30

and I can't even buy a house without borrowing money.

0:23:300:23:33

I mean, imagine that.

0:23:330:23:36

If I can't make a living from the theatre,

0:23:360:23:38

I hardly see the works of Shakespeare

0:23:380:23:39

taking the world by storm.

0:23:390:23:40

I see.

0:23:410:23:44

-Do you act?

-Well, I've...trodded the boards.

0:23:440:23:48

I'm thinking about going for this thing.

0:23:500:23:52

It's not much, but it's money.

0:23:520:23:54

It's a two-hander, so... if you want to come along...

0:23:550:23:58

Thank you.

0:23:580:23:59

Don't thank me.

0:24:010:24:02

Thank your mother who is dead.

0:24:040:24:06

-What?

-Not like that, then?

0:24:080:24:12

Oh, no. No, never like that.

0:24:120:24:15

Right. Interesting.

0:24:170:24:19

So, this thing, is it a meaty role?

0:24:220:24:25

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:24:250:24:26

Not exactly.

0:24:260:24:27

-Vegetables!

-Vegetables.

0:24:270:24:30

Madam, why not try some vegetables with your meat?

0:24:300:24:32

Try some vegetables? They're really good for you. And they help you poo.

0:24:340:24:37

Get 'em right down.

0:24:370:24:39

Are you cold?

0:24:410:24:43

I'm cold.

0:24:440:24:45

-SHE SQUEALS

-Sssh.

0:24:500:24:52

-Walsingham. I thought you were dead.

-No, just in deep cover.

0:24:520:24:56

-But it was an open casket.

-Yeah, it was very deep.

0:24:570:25:00

Listen, Molly... I need some information.

0:25:010:25:05

Is it true, about this summit?

0:25:060:25:08

Oh, yes, here at the palace on the 7th.

0:25:080:25:11

-I hear the Spanish are hunky.

-Well, you hear wrong!

0:25:110:25:13

Catholics can't put on muscle mass because God hates them.

0:25:130:25:17

They've no muscle and no backbone, like snakes.

0:25:170:25:22

Surely snakes are all backbone. No?

0:25:220:25:25

-Well, like worms, then.

-Oh, no, worms are all muscle.

0:25:250:25:28

Someone knows a lot about Catholics. No, no, just... garden creatures.

0:25:280:25:32

Hm... One can't be too careful, Molly.

0:25:340:25:37

They're everywhere, you know.

0:25:370:25:38

The Catholic threat may be sleeping now,

0:25:380:25:41

but it will soon awaken like a...

0:25:410:25:43

-Bear?

-Yes.

0:25:450:25:47

Good.

0:25:470:25:49

Like a non-muscular, spineless bear!

0:25:490:25:52

SHE SQUEALS

0:25:520:25:54

-Uh... False alarm.

-So we're safe, then?

0:25:540:25:58

Safe? Ha!

0:25:590:26:00

If the Catholics are so weak and spineless...

0:26:000:26:03

What they lack in muscular, skeletal integrity,

0:26:030:26:05

they more than make up for in cunning.

0:26:050:26:07

They'll be hatching plots as we speak.

0:26:090:26:11

Well, should I tell the old...

0:26:110:26:13

-Majesty?

-No.

0:26:130:26:16

I will be her eyes and ears and mouth.

0:26:160:26:19

No, not mouth.

0:26:190:26:20

Just tell her Sir Francis Walsingham is back and I remain, as always,

0:26:200:26:26

her most faithful servant.

0:26:260:26:28

HE FARTS

0:26:340:26:35

PLOP!

0:26:350:26:36

KING PHILIP: We are close. Disguises on.

0:26:460:26:48

-Boss.

-What is it?

0:26:540:26:55

I don't understand.

0:26:550:26:57

If you have been invited to England,

0:26:570:26:59

why do we have to sneak ashore like this?

0:26:590:27:02

Because, Juan, one -

0:27:040:27:06

the invitation was for me and my closest advisors,

0:27:060:27:09

not a group of trained assassins.

0:27:090:27:11

They were very clear about that.

0:27:110:27:13

And two, Juan - an assassination like this,

0:27:130:27:16

it takes time and planning.

0:27:160:27:19

People don't just kill themselves.

0:27:190:27:21

My cousin did.

0:27:230:27:25

HE LAUGHS

0:27:350:27:37

Sleep well this night, dear Queen.

0:27:380:27:41

Soon this land shall be mine.

0:27:410:27:44

HE SPITS

0:27:470:27:48

Boss, I have some bad news.

0:27:480:27:51

We forgot the horse.

0:27:540:27:56

Gentlemen, good evening.

0:28:000:28:02

And welcome...to England.

0:28:040:28:06

If you'd just like to follow me up to Customs,

0:28:060:28:09

we'll get you checked in, OK?

0:28:090:28:11

You land us here? I said clandestine.

0:28:130:28:16

I don't know what that means.

0:28:210:28:24

One donkey, straw, made thereof.

0:28:250:28:28

All...righty, Richard.

0:28:290:28:32

If you'd like to shimmy that one along and pop the next one sur la table.

0:28:320:28:38

Strapping lads, like my sons would have been.

0:28:380:28:41

The plague.

0:28:410:28:43

Let's have a look. What have we got here?

0:28:430:28:45

OK. Ours is not to judge prior...

0:28:500:28:53

What's this?

0:28:550:28:57

-It's for making peo...

-Gazpacho.

0:28:570:29:00

It's for making gazpacho. It's a...cold soup.

0:29:000:29:04

It's very nice.

0:29:040:29:06

WHIRS

0:29:060:29:08

RATTLES AND SQUEAKS

0:29:080:29:10

Well, everything seems to be in order. Enjoy your stay.

0:29:160:29:19

Psst. Sir.

0:29:220:29:24

-King Philip II of Spain?

-Yes.

0:29:280:29:30

Oh. Very clever.

0:29:320:29:35

SHOUTING

0:29:400:29:42

GULLS CRY

0:29:440:29:46

-Morning.

-Walsingham.

0:29:590:30:01

-I thought you were dead.

-Don't believe everything you read.

0:30:030:30:06

-I can't read.

-Good.

0:30:060:30:08

-Any survivors?

-No, sir.

0:30:100:30:12

Whoever it was did a thorough job.

0:30:120:30:14

HE SNIFFS

0:30:150:30:17

We did get one of theirs, sir. No idea who they are.

0:30:170:30:20

Catholics.

0:30:270:30:29

The game is afoot.

0:30:290:30:31

BELL TOLLS

0:30:310:30:33

This is heavy.

0:30:330:30:35

Wait. That might be our man.

0:30:370:30:39

The weather in London is unseasonably cold for this time of year.

0:30:500:30:54

But the mynah bird must wait until winter before its song can be heard.

0:30:540:30:59

What the hell does that mean?

0:31:010:31:03

Honestly, you try and start a conversation with someone...

0:31:030:31:05

The weather in London is unseasonably cold for the time of year.

0:31:090:31:13

-Are you the secret Catholic contact?

-Er... Yes.

0:31:130:31:16

No. Um...

0:31:160:31:17

-Yes.

-OK, let's go.

0:31:190:31:21

-Right, yes. This way, Your Majesty.

-Come.

0:31:210:31:23

Ow.

0:31:250:31:26

You're kidding, right?

0:31:370:31:39

This is the biggest Protestant church in England.

0:31:390:31:41

Last place you'd look for a Catholic hideout, Your Majesty, yes.

0:31:410:31:46

-Hide in plain sight.

-Ha-ha.

0:31:460:31:49

Yes, I like this guy. He's got cojones.

0:31:490:31:52

Come along, come along. This way.

0:31:590:32:01

-Sorry.

-Sssh. OVERLAPPING CHATTER

0:32:010:32:03

Over here.

0:32:070:32:09

SCRAPING AND CLANKING

0:32:190:32:21

SQUEAKING

0:32:260:32:28

Your Majesty, I think you'll find everything you need.

0:32:290:32:32

Jesus Christ.

0:32:440:32:46

LOW CHATTER STOPS

0:32:460:32:47

Sorry.

0:32:470:32:49

BILL: My sweet angel.

0:32:490:32:51

Greetings from that London.

0:32:510:32:53

I am delighted to report that despite your slight doubts,

0:32:530:32:57

my dreams of success are coming to fruition.

0:32:570:33:00

Sorry. Trousers stolen in the night.

0:33:000:33:03

Very much not my fault.

0:33:040:33:06

I have secured a challenging role performing daily

0:33:060:33:09

with renowned dramatist Christopher Marlowe.

0:33:090:33:12

I greatly regret the terms on which we parted

0:33:120:33:15

and look forward to your reply,

0:33:150:33:16

as reading it would provide a welcome distraction

0:33:160:33:19

from my tireless schedule of rehearsals, performances and...

0:33:190:33:23

Oh, no.

0:33:230:33:25

-CHILDREN:

-Daddy!

0:33:260:33:28

-Daddy!

-Hey, guys!

0:33:280:33:31

HE LAUGHS

0:33:310:33:33

-Wh... What are you doing here?

-I brought the kids to see Daddy.

0:33:330:33:37

-And what's Daddy dressed as?

-CHILDREN:

-A tomato.

0:33:370:33:40

Mm-hm.

0:33:400:33:42

And can we think of any plays that a tomato might be in?

0:33:420:33:44

-Gosh, well, there's...

-Look, kids.

0:33:450:33:48

-A human statue.

-No, he's... dead.

0:33:480:33:51

Oh, look. A juggler. Go and have a look. Go on.

0:33:520:33:55

-Wow.

-So this is it, is it?

0:33:560:33:59

-This is your big, challenging role?

-OK, I admit I'm not on the stage yet.

0:33:590:34:04

But I'm making inroads.

0:34:040:34:06

If I work really hard, I could be the next Christopher Marlowe.

0:34:060:34:09

Oh, this is Christopher Marlowe.

0:34:100:34:12

Chris, Anne. Anne, Chris.

0:34:120:34:14

-Hello.

-I'm staying with Aunt Jane.

0:34:140:34:17

Have them back by three.

0:34:170:34:19

Anne, please, give me a chance.

0:34:190:34:22

-CROYDON:

-Enter our hero. Let's call him Hero.

0:34:220:34:27

Erm... Blah, blah, blah...

0:34:270:34:29

Oh, God. Writing's hard.

0:34:290:34:31

That poor sexy woman.

0:34:390:34:41

SCRAPING

0:34:470:34:49

LAUGHTER

0:34:490:34:51

Hello, my dear.

0:34:510:34:53

Going somewhere?

0:34:530:34:55

THEY LAUGH

0:34:550:34:57

Here, look. Ring and ting.

0:34:570:34:58

-Get away from me!

-Unhand that beautiful woman, sir!

0:34:580:35:03

What's the matter with you? Cowards?

0:35:040:35:07

Get him.

0:35:070:35:09

-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah.

0:35:100:35:12

THEY LAUGH

0:35:130:35:15

-THEY CRY OUT ANNE:

-Aaaah!

0:35:150:35:17

KNIFE CLATTERS

0:35:210:35:22

Oh.

0:35:220:35:24

Bit embarrassing.

0:35:240:35:27

HE WHIMPERS

0:35:270:35:29

Let that be a lesson to you.

0:35:340:35:36

Good God. Are you all right?

0:35:380:35:40

It's quite hard to tell. I mean, it's deep, but it hasn't gone...

0:35:400:35:43

-Oh, right.

-Thank you.

0:35:430:35:45

Quickly. Poor people are easily startled, but they'll soon be back.

0:35:450:35:48

And in greater numbers. Come.

0:35:480:35:51

Aaargh!

0:35:510:35:53

-Don't dawdle, Ian.

-I'll be right with you.

0:35:530:35:57

-HE GROANS

-He's had lunch.

0:35:570:35:59

And I take his throat out. Nnnyh!

0:35:590:36:00

And the blood is...

0:36:000:36:03

It's everywhere. It's on the walls, it's on the architraves, on the rugs.

0:36:030:36:06

And the Queen, she tries to get away,

0:36:060:36:08

but she can't run because she's slipping in all of the blood.

0:36:080:36:10

So I grab her by the hair and I pull her round to look at me

0:36:100:36:13

and I say, "Knock, knock! Lope's here!"

0:36:130:36:16

And she's like, "Oh, no!" And I go, "Shut up!"

0:36:160:36:19

And I put my thumbs right into her eyes and when I let go,

0:36:190:36:22

the eyes, they plop out and drop down onto the cheeks.

0:36:220:36:24

And so I pick up the eyes and I look at them with my eyes and I go,

0:36:240:36:27

"Ahh! Do you like that, lady, huh? Do you like that?"

0:36:270:36:31

-OK.

-Yeah.

0:36:370:36:39

Thank you for that, Lope. It's very nice.

0:36:420:36:44

-Let's call that plan J. Hm?

-Plan J.

0:36:450:36:49

OK.

0:36:490:36:51

Sorry. Do you want to...?

0:36:540:36:56

-Oh.

-Hm.

0:36:560:36:58

The problem with it is, because of the unfortunate incident on the beach...

0:36:590:37:03

..the authorities are now on high alert.

0:37:030:37:06

The issue is now not how we kill the Queen

0:37:060:37:09

but getting close enough to do it.

0:37:090:37:12

Boss, I have an idea.

0:37:120:37:13

Does it involve you dressing up as a lady?

0:37:130:37:16

-Well, yes.

-OK, any other ideas in the room?

0:37:170:37:19

No, no, please, please.

0:37:190:37:21

Listen.

0:37:210:37:23

We need to find a way to get us all inside the palace without raising suspicion.

0:37:230:37:27

The play's the thing.

0:37:280:37:30

Yes, that's it.

0:37:320:37:34

MURMURING

0:37:350:37:37

We must find this Earl of Croydon...

0:37:400:37:44

for his play is our Trojan horse.

0:37:440:37:48

Any questions?

0:37:480:37:50

Please come in, relax. Welcome to my humble abode.

0:37:550:37:59

-I really don't think this is necessary.

-No, no, it's no trouble at all.

0:37:590:38:03

-You're in deep shock.

-Actually, I don't think I am.

0:38:030:38:05

Yeah, that's one of the symptoms.

0:38:050:38:08

Ian, would you fetch the lady some brandy, please?

0:38:080:38:11

-Brandy.

-And nibbles. Fetch some nibbles.

0:38:110:38:13

Oh.

0:38:130:38:15

So...

0:38:150:38:17

-Erm... Is there somewhere I could...?

-Oh, yes, of course.

0:38:170:38:21

Just up the stairs, second on the left.

0:38:210:38:23

HE GROWLS

0:38:250:38:26

HE GASPS

0:38:340:38:36

Ian, whoever that is, I'm out!

0:38:400:38:42

Gentlemen. How may I...

0:38:430:38:46

Right.

0:38:460:38:47

Seriously, Lope, what is wrong with you? Hm?

0:38:470:38:50

-What?

-Is this about your dad?

0:38:500:38:52

-Ian, who was it?

-Some handsome men.

0:38:550:38:57

Who the hell are you?

0:39:010:39:03

HE GASPS

0:39:040:39:05

King Philip II of Spain.

0:39:050:39:07

Oh.

0:39:070:39:09

Oh, God. Not now.

0:39:090:39:11

-Anyway, how are you?

-Don't worry.

0:39:160:39:19

If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already.

0:39:190:39:21

What is this, some sort of Catholic plot?

0:39:210:39:24

LAUGHTER

0:39:240:39:26

A Catholic plot? LAUGHTER CONTINUES

0:39:260:39:29

No, no, no. I assure you, there is no conspiracy here.

0:39:300:39:33

No, no, no. It's just that things between me and your beautiful Queen...

0:39:330:39:37

LAUGHTER

0:39:370:39:39

..they have been a little bit...difficult.

0:39:420:39:45

So, I was thinking.

0:39:450:39:48

How can I demonstrate that our two nations

0:39:480:39:51

can work together, in harmony?

0:39:510:39:54

A half-and-half flag cake?

0:39:560:39:59

It's a cake, obviously.

0:40:000:40:03

Half of it looks like the English flag.

0:40:030:40:05

-Imagine...

-The other...

0:40:050:40:06

..this great play of yours ends.

0:40:060:40:09

People are applauding, they are cheering.

0:40:090:40:13

Then you step forward and you say,

0:40:150:40:18

"Your Majesty, surprise.

0:40:180:40:20

"This play has been a collaboration with our Spanish friends."

0:40:200:40:23

She cries. She hugs you.

0:40:230:40:27

She gives you Devon.

0:40:270:40:29

-I do like Devon.

-Who doesn't?

0:40:300:40:33

Together...we shall put on a play that will go down in history...

0:40:330:40:39

-Wait a minute. Is this it?

-Yeah, well, it's not quite finished.

0:40:390:40:43

Not quite finished? It's, what, three pages?

0:40:430:40:45

It's been a bit of a struggle, if I'm honest.

0:40:450:40:47

You're telling me. "Hello. I'm a man in a play."

0:40:470:40:50

"I am a woman also in a play."

0:40:500:40:51

-Talk about clunky exposition.

-Well, what do you expect me to do?

0:40:510:40:55

Stumble across some unsuspecting young writer with a completed play,

0:40:550:40:58

hoodwink him, steal his work and pass it off as my own?

0:40:580:41:01

Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't realise you had visitors.

0:41:010:41:04

Oh, Anne,

0:41:040:41:05

this is, erm...

0:41:050:41:08

-Geoff... Smith.

-Yes.

0:41:080:41:12

A theatrical impresario. And these are the...

0:41:120:41:16

..Cockney Players of Bow.

0:41:180:41:21

-All right?

-London Town.

0:41:210:41:23

Down the rub-a-dub.

0:41:230:41:25

You see, I'm putting on a play for the Queen.

0:41:250:41:27

If you can find one, mate.

0:41:270:41:30

LAUGHTER

0:41:300:41:32

-I'll find one, mate.

-Well, you better had.

0:41:320:41:34

LAUGHTER

0:41:340:41:37

My husband's written a play.

0:41:370:41:39

Can you spare a moment to talk about vegetables at all?

0:41:450:41:47

-No.

-They're really good for you and...

0:41:470:41:49

Hey. What are you doing?

0:41:490:41:51

This is a meat market, mate.

0:41:520:41:53

This is our patch, not some sort of vegetable pa...

0:41:530:41:57

Surely there's room enough for...

0:41:580:41:59

There some sort of problem here, Leslie?

0:41:590:42:01

No, no. No problem.

0:42:010:42:04

Just a salad that needs addressing.

0:42:040:42:08

Ups-a-daisy.

0:42:080:42:09

Here, you can't just walk around pushing people about.

0:42:090:42:12

What, like that?

0:42:120:42:14

LAUGHS

0:42:140:42:16

Take your veg and stick it!

0:42:160:42:19

-All right.

-Sorry, mate.

0:42:190:42:21

-Had a bad day.

-Fancy a spot of lunch?

0:42:210:42:23

We'll get something light.

0:42:230:42:24

Phil Shakespeare?

0:42:270:42:29

-WOMAN:

-Bring out your dead!

0:42:360:42:38

Marlowe.

0:42:380:42:40

-Bring out your dead!

-FLIES BUZZING

0:42:420:42:44

Who's dead?

0:42:450:42:47

HE GASPS

0:42:510:42:53

Walsingham.

0:42:530:42:54

-I thought you were dead.

-I'm as alive as the next man.

0:42:540:42:57

Just...hiding in plain sight.

0:42:590:43:01

In these troubled times, a truly...

0:43:020:43:04

-It's a pretty good yield.

-Yeah, it's been a good day today.

0:43:070:43:10

-Any more dead?

-Anyway, down to business.

0:43:100:43:13

I need some information.

0:43:130:43:15

No, I'm out of the spying game,

0:43:150:43:17

I told you. I'm now a credible artiste.

0:43:170:43:19

There's been a dip in writing work.

0:43:210:43:23

-The cucumber's for the dip.

-Makes sense.

0:43:240:43:27

Well, spy or no spy, I would ask you to keep your ear to the ground

0:43:270:43:31

for any signs of a Catholic plot.

0:43:310:43:34

-Well, like what?

-Well, I don't know.

0:43:340:43:36

Er... Priest holes, candles, massive Marys...

0:43:360:43:41

..big pictures of the Pope.

0:43:410:43:43

If you see anything, you can contact me

0:43:430:43:45

through the pie stall in the marketplace.

0:43:450:43:48

Until next time, then, I'll bid you...adieu.

0:43:480:43:52

-Your Majesty.

-Hm.

0:43:580:44:00

BILL: Familiarise yourself with this.

0:44:000:44:02

-"Thou shalt be king."

-BILL: Don't be nervous.

0:44:020:44:04

THEY REHEARSE LINES Same for you, Mick.

0:44:040:44:06

-I have lady parts.

-Erm...

0:44:060:44:09

-I have the lady parts?

-Oh, yes, I see.

0:44:100:44:14

Erm... Yeah, you're playing both female roles.

0:44:140:44:16

OK! Suit the action to the word and the word to the action.

0:44:170:44:22

Oh, and speak the speech as I pronounced it to you,

0:44:220:44:26

because some of you have slightly weird accents.

0:44:260:44:30

-ATTEMPTS COCKNEY ACCENT:

-All-day breakfast. Fish and chips.

0:44:300:44:33

Good. Well...

0:44:350:44:38

Best of luck, guys. Break a leg.

0:44:380:44:41

No problem.

0:44:410:44:43

-Nibbles?

-No.

0:44:430:44:45

BILL: Presenting a bold new work for the stage by Bill Shakespeare.

0:44:450:44:51

LIVELY INTRO

0:45:050:45:06

# Two men who look the same

0:45:060:45:08

# But have a different aim

0:45:080:45:09

# It's a series of funny misunderstandings

0:45:090:45:13

# Two twins each with a lover

0:45:130:45:14

# Who mistake each for the other

0:45:140:45:16

# Somehow fall into the service of a mad king

0:45:160:45:20

-# Take this letter

-Wait, there's two

0:45:200:45:21

# And they mix up which goes to who

0:45:210:45:24

# The comic complications keep expanding

0:45:240:45:27

# In a tale so confused You can't help but be amused

0:45:270:45:30

# By this series of funny misunderstandings

0:45:300:45:34

-# A jilted bride

-That's not funny

0:45:390:45:41

-# Pretend she died?

-On the money!

0:45:410:45:42

# And her poisoned body's hidden by a monk

0:45:420:45:46

-# Until a fool who's quite smart

-He's a fool, that's a start

0:45:460:45:49

-#

-Says, "This monk is nuts"

-And locks him in a trunk

0:45:490:45:52

# And his servant, make him thick Then hit him with a stick

0:45:530:45:56

# It's a series of funny misunderstandings

0:45:560:46:00

# Cue a mixed-up wedding blessing

0:46:020:46:03

# Further vexed by more cross-dressing

0:46:030:46:05

# Which goes on to heal two families at war

0:46:050:46:09

# When the bride they thought was dead comes back with a donkey's head

0:46:090:46:12

# But marries anyway because her groom

0:46:120:46:14

# Has been drugged by a whore!

0:46:140:46:19

# Add a priest, add a lion, add a wrangle over money

0:46:200:46:23

-#

-It's too much

-I'm confused

0:46:230:46:25

# Yes, that's what makes it funny

0:46:250:46:26

# Severed heads, star-crossed lovers

0:46:260:46:28

# English kings, evil mothers

0:46:280:46:29

# With a big happy ending notwithstanding

0:46:290:46:33

# We think you'll agree this has turned out to be

0:46:330:46:36

# A series of

0:46:360:46:39

# Funny misunderstandings! #

0:46:390:46:47

HE PANTS

0:46:490:46:52

Oh, God, I'm dead.

0:46:520:46:54

DOOR CLOSES

0:46:550:46:57

LOW CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

0:46:580:47:00

I heard about the play.

0:47:000:47:02

Sorry, mate.

0:47:070:47:09

Why are you dressed as a sausage?

0:47:140:47:16

I got turned. Playing for the other team now.

0:47:160:47:20

Well, if they need a spare rib, put a word in.

0:47:200:47:22

-Looks like I need a change of career.

-Oh, come on, Bill.

0:47:230:47:26

I'm sure it's not all that bad.

0:47:280:47:29

You know, sometimes these things, they seem worse than they actually...are.

0:47:290:47:33

Oh, no. Why would you...?

0:47:330:47:36

Where's all the...?

0:47:390:47:41

What the hell's that?

0:47:410:47:43

Dance moves.

0:47:430:47:45

I'm not a writer, am I?

0:47:490:47:50

Just a fad.

0:47:520:47:54

Right, first things first - write what you know.

0:47:560:48:00

OK?

0:48:020:48:04

Well, get a quill.

0:48:040:48:06

And ales.

0:48:080:48:10

You've just got to take in everything around you. Take in all your surroundings.

0:48:140:48:17

SOUNDTRACK OVER DIALOGUE

0:48:230:48:25

-Yes!

-Yes!

0:48:570:48:59

-Ow!

-This is not a library.

0:49:170:49:19

His Lordship sent me for Mr Shakespeare's play.

0:49:200:49:23

-Oh, well, there you go.

-I'll deal with this.

0:49:230:49:26

Mr Shakespeare works for coin, which I don't see any...of.

0:49:260:49:31

His Lordship said he'd pay Mr Shakespeare when he saw him next.

0:49:310:49:34

Don't give me that old chuff. You know how this works.

0:49:340:49:37

-No money, no funny.

-All right.

0:49:370:49:40

Don't stab the messenger...please.

0:49:400:49:42

You tell Mr Croydon that Mr Shakespeare will meet him tonight.

0:49:420:49:46

Somewhere neutral. The Bull's Inn, Deptford.

0:49:460:49:48

It's quite safe. He brings the money, he gets the script.

0:49:480:49:51

-I'll tell him.

-Good.

0:49:510:49:54

And I'll tell your mum... who isn't here.

0:49:540:49:56

-Needs work.

-Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

0:50:000:50:02

You'll be fine. Just stick to your guns.

0:50:030:50:06

50 pounds, not a farthing less.

0:50:060:50:07

-Got it.

-Bill.

0:50:070:50:09

-I think you've got something.

-What, from the river?

0:50:110:50:13

No. I mean...

0:50:130:50:15

..talent.

0:50:150:50:17

It's a little rough, sure, but...it's there.

0:50:170:50:20

So, I am a writer?

0:50:210:50:23

Not yet. This...

0:50:230:50:25

..I can teach you.

0:50:260:50:28

Only you can find this.

0:50:280:50:30

A nipple?

0:50:300:50:32

We'll work on it.

0:50:320:50:34

Thanks, Chris.

0:50:370:50:39

CHUCKLING

0:50:390:50:41

Thanks.

0:50:430:50:44

Bill, you forgot the play!

0:50:510:50:53

Sorry. I...

0:50:530:50:55

Oh, no.

0:50:550:50:56

Christopher Marlowe. How nice to see you again.

0:51:020:51:06

It would seem your world has been turned upside down.

0:51:060:51:11

Which is funny, because you are the wrong way up.

0:51:110:51:15

Look, I know I missed a few payments, but...

0:51:150:51:20

Ssssh!

0:51:200:51:21

Honestly, you writers.

0:51:210:51:23

BOTH: You are all the same.

0:51:230:51:26

We lend you money to buy little house.

0:51:260:51:29

You now have little house. You pay back money.

0:51:290:51:33

Absolutely, and I will.

0:51:330:51:34

Overdue payments may result in increased interest rates,

0:51:340:51:37

recovery action and forfeiture of life and limb/limbs.

0:51:370:51:42

Terms and conditions apply.

0:51:420:51:44

-Small print?

-Not really.

0:51:440:51:47

Although, admittedly, it is in Russian.

0:51:470:51:49

Perhaps we were not clear what happens to people who are late twice.

0:51:510:51:56

This is a late customer.

0:51:580:52:01

-Urgh!

-Which is funny because he is dead.

0:52:020:52:05

In order to avoid further inconvenience,

0:52:070:52:11

we now require you to pay full amount.

0:52:110:52:14

50 English cash pounds by this time tomorrow.

0:52:140:52:18

50? Where the hell am I supposed to find 50...pounds?

0:52:180:52:23

£50 by tomorrow. Or we have to buy another trunk.

0:52:230:52:28

Ooh. Got you these.

0:52:480:52:50

Some sort of rose. I forget the name.

0:52:520:52:55

I've got news.

0:52:590:53:00

SHE GIGGLES Keep them closed.

0:53:030:53:05

OK?

0:53:080:53:10

Open them.

0:53:100:53:12

-I've sold my play.

-Wow.

0:53:150:53:18

To an earl.

0:53:180:53:19

Earl of Croydon.

0:53:190:53:22

-It's near Penge.

-Penge, yeah.

0:53:220:53:24

And they're putting it on for the Queen. Not here. At the palace.

0:53:240:53:27

This was just, you know...

0:53:270:53:29

-For the drama.

-Yeah.

0:53:300:53:32

But it's good, Anne.

0:53:320:53:34

-Imagine it.

-Where...?

0:53:340:53:37

Get down from there.

0:53:400:53:42

The Rose Theatre is delighted

0:53:420:53:44

to present a play by Bill Shakespeare!

0:53:440:53:48

SHE LAUGHS

0:53:480:53:50

Listen.

0:53:590:54:01

I know I haven't always made things...easy.

0:54:010:54:05

But it really feels like things are looking up for me.

0:54:070:54:09

For us.

0:54:100:54:12

And you said I'd never make it.

0:54:160:54:19

-What?

-"Go and be a butcher," you said.

0:54:190:54:22

"Don't go to London," you said. Well, look at me now.

0:54:230:54:27

Hang on a minute. I've always supported you.

0:54:270:54:29

Well, yes and no.

0:54:290:54:31

-I mean, up to a point, but...

-Up to a point?

0:54:310:54:34

Well, let's face it, here I am, in London,

0:54:340:54:37

about to perform my play for the Queen.

0:54:370:54:42

And who's that down to?

0:54:420:54:43

Yours truly.

0:54:450:54:47

Number 1A, Me Avenue.

0:54:470:54:49

-It was me, you idiot.

-What?

0:54:510:54:54

-I told Croydon about your play.

-What? When?

0:54:540:54:57

-The other day, at his house.

-At his house, were you?

0:54:570:55:00

-Not like that. He picked me up.

-Did he, now?

0:55:000:55:02

-I was trying to help you.

-Well, I don't need your help.

0:55:020:55:06

Well, that's a bit of luck, isn't it? Because you're not going to get it again.

0:55:060:55:09

-I'm going back to Stratford.

-Fine.

0:55:090:55:12

One day you'll realise what you just lost.

0:55:140:55:17

I hope it was all worth it.

0:55:170:55:18

No, one day you'll realise what you lost, when I'm up here.

0:55:210:55:25

When I'm up here.

0:55:290:55:31

APPLAUSE

0:55:310:55:33

THUNDER RUMBLES

0:55:340:55:36

Saying things in a short, snappy way

0:56:040:56:06

instead of a long, drawn-out way is the soul of wit.

0:56:060:56:10

Ooh. Someone's been in the wars.

0:56:170:56:20

Yes, I...

0:56:200:56:21

-What are you doing in a pie?

-It's a disguise.

0:56:230:56:25

Or one might say a dis-pies.

0:56:250:56:29

Now, that works in three ways.

0:56:290:56:31

One, it's a disguise. Two, the disguise is pies.

0:56:310:56:34

And three, it's got the word "spies" in it, so...

0:56:340:56:37

-It's very clever.

-Mm.

0:56:370:56:38

What did you want?

0:56:380:56:40

-Well, you know Catholic plots?

-Does the Pope wear a silly hat?

0:56:400:56:45

I think I may have found one.

0:56:470:56:49

He rents a room above The Quill and Rapier.

0:56:510:56:54

Well, you'll see for yourself.

0:56:540:56:57

He's turned it into some sort of Catholic shrine.

0:56:570:57:00

What the...?

0:57:030:57:04

I'm being framed.

0:57:090:57:11

-MEN:

-Left, right, left...

-Come on, lads.

0:57:110:57:12

Chris? BANGING ON DOOR

0:57:150:57:18

-MEN:

-Left, right, left...

0:57:180:57:19

Mr Shakespeare, I presume.

0:57:220:57:24

You, my friend, are going straight to he... Aargh!

0:57:240:57:28

-MEN:

-Left, right, left, right...

0:57:280:57:30

After him, you fools!

0:57:300:57:32

CLUCKING

0:57:380:57:39

OVERLAPPING CHATTER

0:57:460:57:48

Right! Can everyone please stop arriving?

0:57:480:57:51

-Where's the money?

-Where's Shakespeare?

0:58:080:58:11

He's...tied up. I'm...his agent.

0:58:130:58:16

Play first.

0:58:220:58:24

What the hell's this?

0:58:370:58:40

Your change, sir.

0:58:400:58:42

SQUELCH

0:58:430:58:44

Urgh! Aargh!

0:58:440:58:45

A pleasure doing business with you.

0:58:450:58:48

Why?

0:58:480:58:49

Er... Cheaper.

0:58:490:58:51

MARLOWE GASPS

0:58:540:58:55

-King Philip II of Spain.

-Sssh.

0:58:550:58:58

MARLOWE GROANS It's a secret, you see.

0:58:580:59:01

This play you have kindly provided me with...

0:59:020:59:04

..I'm going to use it to kill the Queen.

0:59:050:59:09

A Catholic plot. You fiend!

0:59:110:59:13

Don't be like that.

0:59:130:59:15

Oh, don't take it out. Don't take it out.

0:59:150:59:17

It won't hurt if I do it quickly. It's a bit like erm...

0:59:170:59:20

Do you do your eyebrows?

0:59:200:59:22

-No.

-OK. Well, it's a little bit like that.

0:59:220:59:24

Aargh!

0:59:240:59:26

LAUGHTER

0:59:260:59:28

Bill...

0:59:310:59:32

Chris, I'm going to kill you! MARLOWE GROANS

0:59:410:59:43

Join the club, mate.

0:59:450:59:47

-Oh, my God.

-No, it's a scratch. It's just a scratch.

0:59:470:59:50

It's nothing.

0:59:500:59:53

Actually, that is quite bad, isn't it?

0:59:530:59:55

Chris?

0:59:591:00:00

I betrayed you.

1:00:021:00:04

I needed the play, the money.

1:00:041:00:07

-I'm in terrible debt.

-This was over a debt?

1:00:071:00:10

No, no. This was... Catholics.

1:00:101:00:13

-Catholics?

-Croydon's company.

1:00:131:00:15

-They're Spanish agents.

-The Cockney Players?

1:00:151:00:18

-But they're from Bow.

-No.

1:00:181:00:19

Mark me, they plan to use our play to somehow kill the Queen.

1:00:191:00:23

You must go to the pie stall in the marketplace.

1:00:241:00:26

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

1:00:281:00:30

Oh, sorry. Did you want that?

1:00:301:00:32

Want it? He isn't dead.

1:00:321:00:34

Well, not quite. But I knock off in five, and realistically...

1:00:341:00:37

Go away!

1:00:371:00:38

Right, you see her? Well, your mum...

1:00:441:00:47

-For God's sake, not now, Chris.

-Yes, yes, the plot.

1:00:471:00:51

You must find Walsingham.

1:00:511:00:53

Go to the pie stall in the marketplace and say these code words.

1:00:531:00:57

Saying things in a short, snappy way...soul of wit.

1:00:571:01:01

You mean "brevity".

1:01:031:01:05

Er... Yeah.

1:01:051:01:07

But say it my way.

1:01:071:01:09

And Walsingham will deal with the Spanish.

1:01:091:01:12

Avenge me, my friend...

1:01:141:01:16

for now I go...and it is done.

1:01:161:01:18

The bell invites me.

1:01:201:01:22

One more thing.

1:01:281:01:30

The...the script I gave them, it's...

1:01:301:01:34

It...

1:01:371:01:39

So wise, so young...

1:01:441:01:47

..they say do never live long.

1:01:471:01:49

Seriously?

1:01:561:01:58

Well, Your Majesty, we have our play.

1:02:001:02:04

Cheers.

1:02:051:02:06

We'll stop for nibbles.

1:02:061:02:08

Yes, I don't want to worry you,

1:02:091:02:11

but this reads a lot like a Russian loan agreement.

1:02:111:02:13

Why, that double-crossing little...

1:02:151:02:17

Furs!

1:02:171:02:19

Get your lovely furs!

1:02:191:02:22

High fashion furs!

1:02:231:02:26

High fashion...

1:02:271:02:29

Saying things in a short, snappy way inst...

1:02:321:02:34

- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.

1:02:371:02:39

King Philip II of Spain.

1:02:421:02:44

HE GROANS

1:02:441:02:46

- Where is the play? - I don't know.

1:02:471:02:50

You'd better tell me...

1:02:501:02:52

or I will let Lope here loose with his device.

1:02:521:02:56

You don't want to know where this bit goes.

1:02:561:02:59

So, you'd better tell me...

1:02:591:03:02

-In your bum.

-Don't actually say it.

1:03:021:03:06

Why are you saying it? It's more dramatic if you don't say it. I... What?

1:03:061:03:10

OK.

1:03:101:03:11

Listen, as far as I knew, you had the play.

1:03:111:03:13

- I don't know where he's put it. - Then you will write me a new play.

1:03:131:03:17

Without Chris, that's impossible.

1:03:181:03:21

Nothing is impossible, Mr Shakespeare.

1:03:211:03:24

Given the proper motivation.

1:03:241:03:26

- Anne. - That's right.

1:03:321:03:34

We have Jan.

1:03:341:03:36

It's Anne.

1:03:361:03:38

Is it? Oh.

1:03:381:03:40

-Why?

-Because the Queen needs a play

1:03:401:03:43

and I'm not about to let her down.

1:03:431:03:46

But he's going to kill the Queen, you idiot!

1:03:461:03:48

I think you mean surprise the Queen.

1:03:481:03:52

HE CHUCKLES

1:03:521:03:54

-Right?

-Well, it's kind of a surprise.

1:03:541:03:57

Oh!

1:03:591:04:01

Oh, you villainous snake.

1:04:021:04:04

As a loyal peer and patriot,

1:04:051:04:07

I would never betray the sovereign power.

1:04:071:04:10

-You still get Devon.

-Very much back on board.

1:04:101:04:13

So, you write me a new play...

1:04:131:04:15

..otherwise, it's, "Adios, senora."

1:04:161:04:19

- It's...? - It's Spanish for "Goodbye, lady."

1:04:211:04:23

It means I'm going to kill her.

1:04:231:04:25

Look, you wrote play before. Write it again.

1:04:351:04:38

I thought you were playwright.

1:04:381:04:39

Well, you thought wrong.

1:04:391:04:41

I can't do this, not on my own.

1:04:431:04:45

I hope that is not true. For your sake.

1:04:451:04:47

DOOR CLOSES

1:04:501:04:52

EXHALING

1:04:521:04:54

Bill.

1:04:571:04:59

What art thou?

1:04:591:05:00

By heaven I charge thee, speak.

1:05:001:05:03

Hello.

1:05:051:05:06

Erm... Hello.

1:05:061:05:08

You're not here.

1:05:091:05:10

You're just a tired mind playing tricks.

1:05:101:05:13

I'm a friend when you need one. Question not my coming.

1:05:131:05:17

So you've come to help me? With the play?

1:05:171:05:21

LAUGHS

1:05:211:05:23

I can no more lift a quill than I can tip this cup.

1:05:241:05:27

CUP CLATTERS

1:05:291:05:30

That was a coincidence.

1:05:301:05:32

The point is, I cannot give you help.

1:05:321:05:34

You don't need it.

1:05:351:05:37

I've got nothing here.

1:05:381:05:40

No characters, no story.

1:05:421:05:44

No story? No story in the time we've shared?

1:05:441:05:48

Of the hand that fate has dealt you these days past?

1:05:491:05:52

Tales of betrayal, plotting kings, the death of a friend.

1:05:531:05:59

Such twists and turns as would shame any fiction.

1:06:001:06:03

Write what you know.

1:06:081:06:10

I can do this.

1:06:141:06:16

I can do this.

1:06:181:06:20

No, no, no. Wait, wait. That's just the story.

1:06:211:06:24

What of the words?

1:06:241:06:25

HE SNIFFLES

1:07:101:07:12

It's a hit.

1:07:141:07:16

A palpable hit.

1:07:171:07:19

So my wife can go.

1:07:201:07:23

But you haven't finished yet. I have some notes.

1:07:231:07:26

Number one, we lose this.

1:07:271:07:29

It's your play now.

1:07:291:07:31

And number two, the end could be a little more...

1:07:311:07:35

How shall I say?

1:07:351:07:37

Explosive.

1:07:391:07:40

-OTHERS:

-Hooray!

1:07:401:07:42

Sssh.

1:07:421:07:44

-WHISPER:

-Hooray.

1:07:441:07:46

Hm.

1:07:461:07:48

Gather round. So, here's the plan.

1:07:481:07:51

You will stack the gunpowder behind the stage during the first act.

1:07:511:07:55

Juan will then light the fuse when he hears Ramon,

1:07:551:07:58

who plays witch number three, say the line,

1:07:581:08:00

Thou shalt be king hereafter.

1:08:001:08:02

Hope you like bombs.

1:08:021:08:04

I shall then make my excuses

1:08:041:08:05

and sneak out while you exit through the kitchen.

1:08:051:08:07

Gotta go now. Bye.

1:08:071:08:09

And Mr Shakespeare will be coming with us

1:08:091:08:12

to witness the final act in his little drama,

1:08:121:08:15

where we will quite literally bring the house down.

1:08:151:08:18

KING PHILIP LAUGHS

1:08:181:08:20

Come on. It's a theatre joke.

1:08:201:08:22

Gentlemen, to the palace!

1:08:231:08:27

OK. Left a bit, John.

1:08:271:08:29

Left. My left!

1:08:291:08:31

Right. And let it go.

1:08:311:08:34

Gemma!

1:08:381:08:39

Big day today, obviously.

1:08:391:08:42

Security level has been set at dark woad,

1:08:421:08:46

which I believe is this one?

1:08:461:08:48

Erm... Hello? Excuse me?

1:08:501:08:53

Where are you going?

1:08:531:08:54

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-We're the Cockney Players of Bow, me old plate.

1:08:541:08:58

-Yeah.

-The actors, yes.

1:08:581:09:00

Yeah, I'm looking forward to that. I used to do a turn myself.

1:09:001:09:03

I don't know if you've ever heard of The Sticky Players?

1:09:031:09:06

Oh... Magic days.

1:09:061:09:08

Anyway, just follow the path and you'll get to the front gate.

1:09:081:09:11

Hang on. What are those barrels about?

1:09:111:09:14

ALL: Er...

1:09:151:09:16

Well, there's a Cockney song, in't there, mate,

1:09:161:09:19

where we roll 'em out?

1:09:191:09:21

-# Roll out the barrels, mate

-OTHERS JOIN IN

1:09:241:09:27

-MUFFLED CRIES

-# We'll give you some barrels of fun

1:09:271:09:31

-Yeah, mate.

-# Where's he coming from? #

1:09:311:09:33

Very good. Well, off you trot, then.

1:09:361:09:38

HORSE WHINNIES

1:09:401:09:42

MUFFLED CRIES

1:09:421:09:44

Cheeky.

1:09:441:09:46

Right, drapes. Gemma!

1:09:461:09:48

FANFARE

1:09:481:09:50

Classic.

1:09:581:09:59

King Philip II of Spain.

1:09:591:10:01

-COURTIERS: King Philip II of Spain.

-..Spain.

1:10:011:10:04

Sorry.

1:10:041:10:05

Her most excellent Majesty...

1:10:051:10:09

by the grace of God, Elizabeth...

1:10:091:10:12

..Queen of England...

1:10:141:10:16

..France and Ireland.

1:10:161:10:19

Defender of the Faith.

1:10:211:10:24

-Most improved monarch '92 to...

-Let's assume he knows who I am.

1:10:261:10:30

Your Majesty, it is a very great honour to be

1:10:351:10:38

invited to your fine country,

1:10:381:10:40

which I just got to this morning.

1:10:401:10:43

I came straight here. No funny business.

1:10:431:10:46

Whoa! Talk about boat-lagged.

1:10:461:10:48

Philip.

1:10:481:10:49

It is our greatest hope that this summit shall pave the way

1:10:491:10:53

to lasting peace between our two great nations.

1:10:531:10:59

Right, come on, let's get this over with.

1:10:591:11:01

MIMICS EXPLOSION

1:11:091:11:11

First we eat, and before you ask, the soup's served hot.

1:11:131:11:18

Ah, come off it.

1:11:181:11:19

Then we watch Crawley's new play

1:11:191:11:21

and finally we discuss the release of Hawkins.

1:11:211:11:27

Who?

1:11:271:11:29

Hello!

1:11:291:11:31

Oh, yes, him, the reason I'm here. Ha-ha!

1:11:311:11:33

Mind like a gauze. It's terrible.

1:11:331:11:35

Yeah, that's him.

1:11:361:11:38

Oh. And one of 'em said something about a pie stall.

1:11:381:11:41

-AS A WOMAN:

-What about the voice?

1:11:501:11:52

Is it convincing?

1:11:521:11:55

Gabriel... I don't care.

1:11:551:11:57

LAUGHTER

1:11:581:12:00

You then chop up the tomatoes, you cook the onions, but then you leave it a bit...

1:12:031:12:06

OK.

1:12:081:12:09

Burghley. I like what you've done with this. Huh?

1:12:121:12:15

Two beards in one. Very nice.

1:12:151:12:17

HE CHUCKLES

1:12:171:12:18

Whoa. Better make it a good one.

1:12:211:12:24

The wife's in.

1:12:241:12:26

Oh! Didn't I mention? It seems Devon comes with a duchess.

1:12:261:12:31

HE SNIGGERS

1:12:311:12:33

Well, he may be a crazed religious extremist,

1:12:331:12:36

but this Shakespeare is smart.

1:12:361:12:38

And a truly smart man knows...

1:12:391:12:41

..you hide in plain sight!

1:12:461:12:48

Ladies and gentlemen...

1:12:561:12:58

..Your Majesties,

1:12:591:13:01

I'm delighted to present for your entertainment

1:13:011:13:04

a new tragedy...

1:13:041:13:06

comedy/drama/history play,

1:13:061:13:09

written by and co-starring the Earl of Croydon.

1:13:091:13:13

That's me. Croydon.

1:13:131:13:17

FANFARE

1:13:171:13:19

Oh, for a muse of fire...

1:13:341:13:36

..that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention,

1:13:371:13:41

a kingdom for a stage, princes to act

1:13:411:13:45

and monarchs to behold this swelling scene.

1:13:451:13:49

SQUEAKING

1:13:501:13:52

APPLAUSE

1:14:001:14:02

Did you see? Did you see?

1:14:041:14:06

I was just... They were...

1:14:061:14:08

PLAY CONTINUES

1:14:121:14:13

I am so going to hell.

1:14:181:14:20

Evening.

1:14:271:14:29

-You set me free.

-No, you set me free.

1:14:321:14:35

Let's go.

1:14:361:14:38

BOTH: Where are you going?

1:14:401:14:41

We have to save Anne, stop the plot.

1:14:411:14:43

-Are you crazy in the coconut?

-What's a coconut?

1:14:431:14:46

Well, my Catholic friends,

1:14:461:14:49

you have led me a merry dance.

1:14:491:14:52

But now it would seem that I have the upper hand!

1:14:531:14:57

SHOUTING

1:14:571:14:58

Aaargh!

1:15:001:15:03

-I won't leave her, not again.

-Well, then, you are on your own.

1:15:031:15:06

May God be with you, my friend.

1:15:081:15:09

'Tis... enough.

1:15:151:15:18

GASPS OF SHOCK

1:15:181:15:19

Bit of a rewrite.

1:15:211:15:22

"A Play for Her Majesty"?

1:15:241:15:26

Ha!

1:15:291:15:31

Hark.

1:15:341:15:36

By the pricking of my thumbs,

1:15:361:15:39

oh, something wicked this way comes.

1:15:391:15:43

SCREECHING AND CACKLING

1:15:431:15:45

Witches...

1:15:451:15:47

Witches! OK.

1:15:471:15:48

Scared.

1:15:481:15:50

How now, you secret, black and midnight hags.

1:15:501:15:55

Hail to thee, the Thane of Glamis.

1:15:571:16:01

Hail to thee, the Thane of Cawdor.

1:16:011:16:05

Hail to thee, for thou shalt be king.

1:16:051:16:08

BOOM

1:16:081:16:10

CRIES OF SURPRISE

1:16:101:16:12

-Mark me.

-What the hell?

1:16:121:16:15

-What the hell?

-What the hell?

1:16:151:16:17

I could a tale unfold

1:16:171:16:19

whose lightest word would harrow up thy soul,

1:16:191:16:23

freeze thy blood, make thine eyes like stars start from their spheres.

1:16:231:16:30

A foul and most unnatural murder.

1:16:301:16:34

Marlowe?

1:16:341:16:36

That I now avenge!

1:16:361:16:39

-WALSINGHAM:

-Shakespeare!

1:16:391:16:40

-That's him!

-GASPS OF SURPRISE

1:16:401:16:42

-Ooh. A cameo.

-The Catholic's mine!

1:16:421:16:44

Listen, you've got the wrong man!

1:16:461:16:48

That's what a Catholic traitor would say.

1:16:481:16:50

This is what's known as breaking the fourth wall.

1:16:521:16:57

Ooh!

1:16:571:16:59

Sword fight?

1:16:591:17:00

Sword fight, sword fight...

1:17:001:17:02

CRIES OF SHOCK

1:17:161:17:18

PROLONGED SCREAM

1:17:201:17:24

Wait! He's not the Catholic.

1:17:291:17:32

We are the Catholics.

1:17:341:17:36

-GASPS OF SHOCK

-Me amigos, plan J.

1:17:361:17:40

SHOUTING

1:17:401:17:42

MOUTHS

1:17:471:17:48

Actually, you know what?

1:17:571:17:59

I've gotta go to the little kings' room.

1:17:591:18:02

OK. Excuse me.

1:18:021:18:04

It's seafood. King coming through. Make a hole.

1:18:041:18:07

Goodbye, Queen.

1:18:071:18:08

Yeah.

1:18:081:18:10

-SERGEANT:

-Come on, there's another one...

1:18:121:18:14

Oh, villain, villain,

1:18:191:18:23

smiling, damned villain.

1:18:231:18:26

Uh...

1:18:281:18:30

All the world's a stage...

1:18:321:18:34

..and all the men...and women...

1:18:371:18:40

..merely players.

1:18:421:18:43

They have their exits and entrances...

1:18:431:18:47

..and one man in his time plays many pads.

1:18:491:18:52

Take this man.

1:18:521:18:55

Hath he not played the part of Patron?

1:18:551:18:59

Patriot?

1:18:591:19:00

Traitor?

1:19:001:19:02

Thief!

1:19:021:19:04

Who would rob a scribe of his words...

1:19:041:19:07

..a man of his wife...

1:19:081:19:10

..a land...of its queen!

1:19:101:19:13

GASPS OF SHOCK

1:19:131:19:16

Your Majesty, hell is empty.

1:19:161:19:19

All the devils are here.

1:19:201:19:23

Aren't they, Phil?

1:19:231:19:25

SHOCKED MURMURING

1:19:251:19:27

Ah... HE CHUCKLES

1:19:291:19:31

Ha-ha-ha.

1:19:331:19:35

You think you're so clever, don't you? Hm?

1:19:351:19:37

With your hair and your face.

1:19:371:19:40

Well, this changes nothing.

1:19:411:19:45

We may leave now this damp, fetid bog of a country.

1:19:451:19:48

-MAN:

-All right, mate.

1:19:481:19:49

But know this.

1:19:491:19:51

I will return,

1:19:531:19:55

and my revenge...will have no bounds.

1:19:551:19:58

I shall do such things.

1:19:591:20:02

What they are yet, I know not.

1:20:021:20:04

But they shall be the terrors of the earth.

1:20:051:20:09

And we're going to bring an horse.

1:20:141:20:16

But it's not a normal horse. Oh, no.

1:20:161:20:18

It's a ginormous horse and it will confuse you.

1:20:181:20:21

-But that's the point of the horse.

-What is wrong with you?

1:20:211:20:24

What is actually wrong with you? You are broken in the head.

1:20:241:20:26

It is not a real horse!

1:20:261:20:28

-It is not a real horse?

-It is not a real horse.

1:20:281:20:30

-What is it?

-It is a wooden horse.

1:20:301:20:32

PHILIP: What is so hard to...

1:20:321:20:33

I arrest thee of capital treason

1:20:381:20:40

against the Queen and crown, Crawley.

1:20:401:20:43

It's not Crawley. It's...

1:20:431:20:46

Oh, I give up.

1:20:471:20:49

A head filled with such fine words.

1:20:501:20:53

Almost a pity to put a spike up it.

1:20:531:20:55

-He didn't write the play.

-GASPS OF SHOCK

1:20:551:20:57

-Your Majesty.

-Then who did...girl?

1:20:591:21:03

Bill.

1:21:031:21:05

William Shakespeare.

1:21:051:21:07

My husband.

1:21:081:21:09

Well, well, Mr Shakespeare.

1:21:111:21:13

Is there no end to your talents?

1:21:131:21:16

I may unmask these devils, ma'am, yet still I cast myself among them.

1:21:161:21:22

For though I share not the nature of their crimes,

1:21:221:21:24

I too sinned, as a demon might...

1:21:241:21:27

..when I cast aside an angel.

1:21:291:21:32

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

1:21:341:21:36

Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

1:21:381:21:42

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May.

1:21:431:21:45

-And summer's lease...

-Stop talking.

1:21:451:21:47

CHEERING

1:21:501:21:51

Mr Shakespeare.

1:21:531:21:55

You may kiss my hand.

1:22:001:22:02

I may not be long for this world.

1:22:081:22:10

But I am most grateful to see a few more dawns.

1:22:121:22:15

Thank you.

1:22:171:22:18

Southampton!

1:22:201:22:22

-Hello, love.

-Is your money room still bulging?

1:22:221:22:26

Oh, it's positively out of hand, darling.

1:22:261:22:28

I've had to knock a wall through.

1:22:281:22:30

Then see to it that this loyal subject finds himself well financed.

1:22:301:22:34

Your Majesty.

1:22:341:22:36

Well, we shall be hearing much more from you, won't we, Shakespeare?

1:22:361:22:40

Yes, Your Majesty. I have a few ideas.

1:22:401:22:44

Excellent.

1:22:441:22:46

Though maybe one at a time, eh? Cos that was a bit dense.

1:22:461:22:48

Well, then... all's well that ends well.

1:22:501:22:54

Time for some music, methinks.

1:22:551:22:59

Ladies and gentlemen...

1:22:591:23:03

I give you Mortal Coil!

1:23:031:23:07

CHEERING

1:23:071:23:09

LIVELY TUNE

1:23:101:23:12

MOUTHS

1:24:051:24:07

It's a full house, Bill. Have you settled on a title?

1:24:221:24:26

How about A Series Of Comedy Errors?

1:24:261:24:28

That's...getting there.

1:24:281:24:31

-Ow.

-There.

1:24:311:24:33

-All done.

-Well, what do you think?

1:24:341:24:37

Is the world ready for Shakespeare?

1:24:401:24:42

APPLAUSE

1:24:481:24:50

This...

1:25:141:25:16

No, sorry. I still don't get it.

1:25:161:25:19

KING PHILIP SIGHS

1:25:191:25:21

Any last words?

1:25:301:25:32

Yeah. Don't get involved in the arts.

1:25:321:25:35

I thought Ian would have been here, at least.

1:25:381:25:40

Now... No.

1:25:501:25:52

Hello.

1:25:561:25:58

Hello?

1:25:591:26:01

BIRD CAWS

1:26:231:26:25

I'm going in.

1:26:311:26:33

1593. While King Philip of Spain plots to kill Queen Elizabeth of England, young Bill Shakespeare leaves Stratford to follow his latest dream, to be a playwright in London - despite the theatres being closed due to plague. Luckily the Queen desires a new play; unluckily she chooses creepy Lord Crawley to write it.


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