A Cock and Bull Story

This film contains strong language.

You look good with a big nose, actually.

You could become a great classical actor and be taken seriously.

I've got a little kind of crevice. Can you see that there? See?

-Yes.

-That's fizzy drinks.

-Yeah.

-And I don't think the colour is great. What do you think?

-Have a look at the colour.

-I saw the colour the last time I looked.

-It registered.

-It's what they call "not white".

-Well...

-What colour would you call it?

I'd concur with not white. I'd go further.

-I mean, it's not yellow.

-I...

You know, I mean, there's a sliding scale, isn't there?

I think you're, er...you're, er...

-A hint of yellow?

-I think you're closer, sir.

-Barley meadow?

-If you wanna give it a Dulux, er...

-Tuscan sunset?

THE MAKE-UP ARTISTS LAUGH You're gettin' laughs,

but it's not making your teeth look any better, you know, so...

Pub ceiling.

The Elephant Man.

-Hmm.

-If your teeth are too good, you get bogged down

in the leading-man thing and I don't want that to happen.

I, er, I think you can sleep easy at night...

..about the prospect of being cast as a leading man.

I haven't got any teeth at all, there on the bottom.

Thanks for that(!)

-That was pleasant(!)

-Have another look.

-Do they still look that colour?

-It's OK, it's seared on my retina.

I think once people get used to them,

you actually... actually it's a nice colour.

I think you'd decorate a child's nursery in this colour.

-Quite soothing.

-Well, you could've saved them a few bob

if you'd been cast as Doctor Slop.

Yeah, but that's very much a supporting role.

-This is, er...

-And? The point being?

-This is a co-lead.

Well, we'll see after the edit, shall we?

Do you not think so?

Featured co-lead?

-It's not a cameo.

-It's not a cameo, no, it's a supporting role.

It's not a supporting role, I'm in it all the way through.

-HE SIGHS

-It's a co. It's a co. It's a co. It's an "and Rob Brydon".

-If that's...

-No, it's not, it's "Steve Coogan, Rob Brydon".

If we went alphabetically, which I think is the only fair way,

-it would be "Rob Brydon, Steve Coogan".

-That would be ridiculous.

Er, Groucho Marx once said

that the trouble with writing a book about yourself

is you can't fool around.

Why not? People fool around with themselves all the time.

I'm Tristram Shandy,

the main character in this story, the leading role.

Susannah. Susannah!

Susannah!

There are those who say this is a cock-and-bull story.

That's the bull, my father's bull,

and, er, I'll show you the cock in a minute.

Susannah!

Susannah!

Is it startin'?

-Yes. Yes, I...I think it is.

-Oh, my!

-Ohhhh! Oh, shall I fetch the midwife?

-Yes.

These two gentlemen are my Uncle Toby and Corporal Trim.

They're recreating the Battle of Namur, where they both fought.

LOUD BANGS, SHOUTING

Colonel Ingoldsby's orders, sir!

The flag is to advance to the ditch behind the 50-pounder!

What?! The ditch?! There's no such thing as a ditch out there, man!

-The ditch behind the 50-pounder, sir!

-That is a ravelin, Trim.

A ravelin. A farmer digs a ditch. A soldier... Sir, get down!

LOUD EXPLOSION, SCREAMING

When I said this was a cock-and-bull story,

it was my cock I was talking about... COCKEREL CROWS

..not Uncle Toby's. After all, am I not the hero of my own life?

-Where's my pot?!

-Master Tristram, where is it?! Under the bed?!

-Where is it?!

-Do it out of the window!

-I need a pee!

Lift your nightshirt up.

Poke your little pecker out. Do you think the time might come

when you don't make a lot of fuss about passing water?

-HE SCREAMS

-Oh! Oh!

Oh! What...?!

That is a child actor pretending to be me.

I'll be able to play myself later.

I think I could probably get away with being...18, 19?

Until then, I'll be played by a series of child actors.

This was the best of a bad bunch.

He's unable to convey the pain or shock of such an event.

-I

-think I can. Susannah said I was doing it exactly how you did!

It may be the same noise but it doesn't have the emotion.

Go on, then, show me how to do it.

I was told it was a comedy, not a pantomime.

-HE SQUEALS

-Oh! Master Tristram! Oh!

Oh, come here, and let me fix it all better!

Oh! I've just about murdered ya!

Oh, my darling!

Oh, my darling! There, there.

There. What happened?

This is my beautiful, lovely mother, Elizabeth.

How did this happen?!

It was my fault. I removed the weights from the sash window,

at Mr Toby's request, to make mortars for the Siege of Namur.

I wish now with all my heart I had...cut off something else!

My poor little Tristram.

So both my uncle and myself were victims of the Battle of Namur,

even though it took place years before my birth.

I was not unmanned, by the way.

Er, I was circumcised, like a lot of men - manly men.

I can't speak for my uncle in that area,

although even as a boy I was, er, curious.

Sir, where were you injured during the battle?

This one looks quite like me.

-..In front of the curtain. None of the men...

-There was a ravelin below this fosse.

-I shall dig it now, sir.

-There was indeed, Corporal.

Yes, I tumbled into it just...well, in the course of the afternoon.

Where EXACTLY were you injured?

I will show you the exact spot. Soldier, quick march!

I received my injury, at nine of the clock, just here.

-In the...

-In the ditch.

'I'm getting ahead of myself. I am not yet born.'

SHE PANTS

Mrs Shandy's took bad, sir. With the pangs, sir.

They're coming thick and fast. I'm on my way to fetch the midwife.

-She's took bad?

-Yes, sir.

With the PANGS.

When I was born, my father was four years older than I am now,

so, given the family resemblance,

I felt I should portray him as well as myself.

Brother Walter?! Brother Walter?!

Elizabeth isn't well, brother, she is suffering from PANGS.

-Pangs?

-I believe she was referring to the birth pangs, sir.

-She's gone to fetch the midwife.

-The midwife? No, no, no, no.

Obadiah! Obadiah! I want you to ride like the devil

to Dr Slop's, and tell him my wife has fallen into labour

and to come immediately. I will not have the midwife deliver my son.

C'mon! C'mon! C'mon!

You may find it surprising

that the method of my birth had yet to be decided.

The cause was, er, not too little planning but too much.

"I, Walter Shandy, undertake to arrange for any confinement

"of Elizabeth Shandy in London and further undertake

-"to pay all expenses arising from that confinement."

-Mm.

-Erm, what is this smaller writing here?

-That's just small print.

You always get that.

This is the beginning of all my woes.

-I should have to stay in Yorkshire?

-Yes.

-Only if you once already made the journey to London by mistake.

-Yes.

'In the September before my birth, my mother, being pregnant -

'or so she thought - insisted my father take her to London.'

-Are you all right, my love?

-I'm fairly comfortable.

Not long now, just another two days.

-Doctor, in your opinion, is it a boy or a girl?

-I'm afraid, madam,

-it is neither. It is a phantom only.

-How can that be?

Oh, this happens more than you can know.

Ten pounds.

Ten pounds to tell us that it's wind that is inflating you.

Any other time of the year would've been fine, but...

..all my plums will be spoilt.

It's not the expense that bothers me

-but the disappointment of losing a child.

-Walter, I, too, have lost a child.

No matter. Here.

Don't fret, please.

'Unfortunately, due to the length and discomfort of the journey, by the time they'd arrived home,

'my father had decided to implement the small print -

'the next birth should be at home.'

It is infuriating

that Elizabeth has this humour to entrust the life of our child

to an ignorant old woman, when the admirable Dr Slop,

with all his modern instruments, is, er, so readily at hand.

Perhaps she does not care to let a man that close to her, erm...

Ooh, I say, man!

My heavens, what's that?! Do you think she's to lay an egg? Do you know nothing of women at all?

Nothing at all.

No matter. The point is, Slop does. He knows them inside-out.

-He has a fine brass instrument... ..Obadiah, you were quick!

-Fortune favoured us.

-Dr Slop.

-I only came to borrow some pipe tobacco.

HE SHOUTS

Dr Slop!

-Where the devil are you going at such a rate?!

-To fetch you, sir.

I was telling my brother about your fine brass instrument, the one with the hinge.

-It was new invented. It's called, er...

-Forceps.

Aye, the forceps. I like the look of those.

The forceps, they're in a bag hanging off my bed head.

-I could...

-No, no, it must be done properly.

Obadiah! Obadiah!

-I'll give you a crown if thou dost it!

-Thank you, sir!

And I another!

SUSANNAH!

-Will you take a pipe, Doctor?

-I will.

We had a...a good deal of piping at Flanders, Doctor.

Come on!

-I meant a pipe to smoke.

-Well, if it's smoke you're after,

then, Flanders was the place,

-at the Battle of Namur when the cannons were set off.

-Loosed.

Loosed is the proper word, Trim, yes.

Dr Slop, allow me to show you a map

of such detail and artistry as to make a man's eyes water.

-Help me, Susannah. Help me.

-I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.

Here, the city of Namur. Come, Doctor, come. The city of Namur,

as it appeared to the besieging forces that morning in 1695.

The English and the Scots, under the command of General Ramsay,

were in the trenches to the right.

Now, the dilemma for the good general was which way forward.

There were many directions to choose from. It is my opinion that he chose the best direction.

No, brother, what happened that day to YOU?

Is everything all right, you know, down there?

-Aaaaargh! Argh! Trim!

-We're almost there, sir.

HE YELLS

Where does it hurt?

Where were you hit, sir?

-HE WHISTLES

-This man's lost his mind.

The injury may be in a delicate place, sir,

-which my master is too modest to mention.

-HE SCREAMS

Damn me, sir. Can a man be too delicate to name his own privates,

yet strong enough to fight a war?!

I shall have you sent home, sir.

HE WHISTLES

Unless this Obadiah makes haste, the thing will befall us without forceps.

Here he is!

-Way-hey! Well done, sir. Well done.

-Good man.

-A knife. Have you a knife?

-I have a knife.

Use your teeth, Dr Slop. Your teeth.

Oh, well.

-Argh, my finger!

-Now, this, Dr Slop, is a book

-in which there is a fine engraving.

-I don't want to see your armies at Flanders or anywhere.

And if I get my hands on the blockhead

who tied these knots, I'll kick him all the way to bloody Flanders.

I have a book, er, Colourful Words For All Occasions.

-Push against me.

-I've got you.

-"On cutting the thumb or finger with a penknife." There - the very word.

-No, I don't want...

"By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son and Holy Ghost,

"and of all holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary,

"mother of our Saviour..." May he be damned.

-I'll go and fetch Dr Slop.

-No! No!

NO-O-O-O!

"Unless he repent him of tying such knots,

"may he be cursed in his eyes, in his mouth, in his heart,

-"in his stomach, may he..."

-Doctor, the midwife is here.

-The midwife is here.

-She has bruised the upper part of her thigh, here.

-I'll look at it.

-You'd be better looking at my mistress, but...

-You're not fixin' to use them on the little child?

-Yes.

-This is the very latest.

-With these, I can extrude the baby's head

before the mother has a chance to mash its head to dough.

I can show you. Captain Shandy, make a baby's head of your hands.

You're to imagine these sleeves are Mrs Shanty's funnel and...

-Funnel?

-Meat curtains.

-Meat curtains?

-My brother knows nothing of women.

I insert the forceps, thus, gently enclosing the baby's head.

You see? You see?

-And then I gently TUG IT!

-Ooh! Aaaaargh!

Oh! Oh! Brother! By my honour, Dr Slop,

you've taken the skin clean off the back of my hand, man!

You with your forceps! You've crushed my knuckles to a jelly in the bargain!

It's lucky it's not the baby's head.

-A baby's head is as soft as the pap of a melon.

-It's but a scratch.

-Trim, fetch a melon!

-Yes, sir.

-Run!

Nothing like a baby's head. Entirely different.

-Melon.

-Thank you, Trim.

-Baby's head.

-This is a much more accurate representation.

-Funnel.

-Funnel?

-All ready? And then we merely...

-OBADIAH LAUGHS

Had my father a more scientific mind,

the tragedy of my nose, er, could have been avoided,

but he was of a more philosophical bent,

er, used to arguing from first principles.

So, eventually when I was born, I was delivered with the very forceps

that had crushed the pap of the melon.

SHE SCREAMS

BABY CRIES

The baby's born. You have a son.

Oooooh! Congratulations, brother Walter!

-Thank you.

-I need something stiff but flexible for a splint.

-A quill, perhaps.

-Ooh, that'll do!

-What has happened to my son?

-The doctor needs to make a bridge.

I haven't finished. Susannah!

Susannah!

-Doctor...

-Susannah.

-What has happened to my son?

-Er, there was a small mishap.

-Er, a mishap with the machinery.

-Machinery?

-The forceps.

-He has merely...

broken his nose.

It had ever been my father's wish to have a son with a big nose.

All the great men of antiquity had big noses, a nose like Caesar,

Dante, Pythagoras, Newton, Alexander the Great.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I am not yet born.

-I'll attend the lady.

-No!

Get off!

Don't you touch those! Get off! Get back!

My son is not yet born, and already I am exhausted.

Shall we go and see the fortifications?

Mrs Shandy?

Get on the bed. The bed, woman. The bed.

There is nothing more important than the choice of name

when deciding the future of a child.

-Four fingers.

-Good.

-She is four-fingers dilated.

The highest is Trismegistus, as in Hermes Trismegistus,

the greatest philosopher, the greatest law-giver,

the greatest priest.

-And he was an engineer.

-Then, you should call him that, then.

-The child should be called Tristram.

-Tristram? No.

-Tristram.

-No, Tristram's the worst. Tristram's the dog's-breath worst!

I know, er, how did I come to be named Tristram,

given my father's views?

Well, even though my birth is fast approaching,

there's still time to catch the tragedy of my naming.

Sir, it's the baby! It's the baby, sir!

He is as black as my, erm...! Ooh, as black as me shoe, sir!

There. He's as black as me shoe.

We might lose the baby, sir. The parson is here, and his horse.

-The baby must be baptised.

-Yes. Hand me my breeches.

There's no time, sir. My mistress wanted to know if it should be named after Captain Toby,

as he's the godfather.

'If my father had been sure I was going to die,

'he would have complimented Toby by naming me so, thereby saving the name of Trismegistus

'for one who might survive. But he couldn't be sure.'

-The name, sir! The name, the name!

-Trismegistus.

-Trismegistus, sir!

-You're a leaky vessel! Susannah, can you carry it

-the length of the corridor without spilling?

-Trismegistus.

Trismegistus. Tris... Tristemgistus. Tristemgistus.

SHE SOBS

-Tris...

-Tristram?

-No, it's not that, no.

There is no Christian name beginning "Tris" but Tristram.

-No, it's not Tristram. It has some "gistus" in it.

-Tristramgistus?

-Tristramgistus!

-There is no "gistus" in it. No, it is my name,

and a very fine name it is, too. I baptise you

in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Tristram Shandy. All is well.

Little Tristram has made right with God.

See now, Dearly beloved brethren, that this child is regenerated and grafted into the body

of Christ's Church, let us give thanks unto Almighty God

for these benefits and with one accord make our prayers unto him,

that this child may...

Look, ma'am. He is well.

Ma'am, he is not black any more!

Ma'am, look. It's a miracle.

-You have not forgotten the name?

-No. And the baby is well.

-My beautiful, beautiful Tristram Shandy.

-Tristram?

My son has been cursed from the moment of his conception.

'I forgot to mention this. Well, it's not that I forgot,

'it's more that I thought I should save it

'till we knew each other better. My father had two

'domestic obligations and, being a systematic man,

'he liked to dispense them both at once.

'The first was to wind the clock.

'The second was more enjoyable.'

Harder!

'You may be familiar with Locke's theory of the association of ideas -

'it's been updated since, by Pavlov and his dog.

'If the dog hears the metronome when being fed,

'the dog starts to associate the metronome and food,

'so in the end, if hears the metronome even when there's no food,

'the dog starts to salivate.

'A similar association of ideas took root in my mother's head

'between one domestic obligation and the other. As soon as she heard my father winding the clock,

'she began to salivate, as it were.'

'It works the other way around, too.'

'After a while, if you give the dog the food without the metronome,

'the dog produces no saliva. So on the occasion by father came home

'and was feeling so keen to dispense one obligation,

'he skipped the other, he surprised my mother...'

-Walter.

-Elizabeth.

'..who was, therefore, unable to produce any saliva.'

-My dear.

-Yes?

-My dear, have you not forgot to wind up the clock?

-Uh!

'So it was, the circumstances of my conception were as confused

'as those of my birth.'

Goodnight.

SHE SOBS

-Yowling won't help.

-How is she?

-It may be some hours yet.

-I can see the head.

-Let me see. Let me through.

-I'll fetch the sheet.

-I can't see with the sheet, woman.

Lay her down flat! Flat! I can't work like this! Flat!

SHE SCREAMS

SHE CRIES

-And...thank you. Thank you.

-OK, that's it. We'll pick up tomorrow morning.

-Are we good there?

-OK, move the set piece, please.

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

-Are you OK?

-Rushes screening at eight

-for anyone involved in the battle scene.

-I can't see the baby's head.

-OK. OK.

-Mark, you don't want the birth today?

-No, tomorrow morning. That was great.

-Great.

This scene's supposed to be about Walter's love for his son.

-I don't feel involved.

-Mark hasn't read the book since he was nine.

-I'm not trying to be greedy, I...

-Don't worry, you're in it.

I'm not saying that!

-I've got to see Debbie about shoes.

-I'll get rid of these

-and I'll take you to Costume.

-OK.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

-OK.

Shall we take this nose off now?

-Yeah, cos my son won't recognise me.

-That's true.

-Hey!

-Hello!

How are you?

-Look at you.

-That's, erm... that's apple crumble and custard.

They made me eat it.

-Steve, erm, I'll take you to Costume when you're ready.

-Right.

Er, Jenny, this is Jennie. This is Jenny, also. Not Jenny, too - Jenny ALSO.

Erm, yeah. Me and Jennie were, erm, flirting before,

but now that you're here, erm,

-we're just gonna...stop that for a while.

-Great. Good.

-Good.

She's so beautiful. What's she called?

-He's a boy.

-Oh, right.

-He's called Stephen.

-What, Stephen, like his dad?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Hi.

-Hey.

-Oh, hello!

-Are you all right?

-I'm good.

-Wanna be in a movie?

Don't you upset him.

Sorry, but Leo needs you for a minute to try out the womb.

-Now?

-Yeah. Jennie will take you over.

-Sorry, I've gotta go and do this.

-It's OK. I'll see you later.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-Your wife's very pretty.

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Er, she's not my wife but, erm, my girlfriend.

-Oh, right.

Yeah, she's just up for a couple of days.

-Hiya, Steve. Thanks for doing this.

-No problem.

-Wow!

-That's the womb when you're talking to camera as Tristram.

Yeah, I know what it is, it's just a while since I've seen one.

Did Mark talk to you about being upside down?

-No, he didn't.

-Ah.

-That's what we need to try out.

-Real wombs don't have a window like that, though, do they?

-Womb with a view.

-Womb with a view. Pretty good, that.

Tell my mother I'm sorry for everything.

-You'll be fine.

-Yeah.

You can let the walls out now.

Oh, no, that's wrong! OK, I'll try the other way.

-Can you do that?

-Yeah.

OK, lower him down.

That's it.

-Oh! I was just getting caught a bit there.

-That's it.

Open the walls out. That looks great.

-It looks good?

-It looks great.

You've put on weight!

-Eh?

-You've put on weight!

-I've not put on weight.

If I'm a foetus, I've got to be able to kick and stretch,

-that's what foetus...foeti do.

-Not when they're full term.

The baby's just about to be born, so he'd fill the whole space.

He'd be upside down and his head would be wedged in the pelvis.

Can't Mark film it the right way up and then just flip the image?

Maybe, but I'd have to have a word with Mark about that.

-I think he wanted the realism.

-He wants realism?

-Yeah.

OK. I'm a grown man talking to the camera in a fucking womb!

-Right, get me out, please.

-Get him out.

-Get me out.

-He's a dick!

-That's fine, Steve.

-Right, get me out.

-Get him out.

-Please.

It's too squashed. No, you're jamming me!

Whoa! Easy! Easy! Easy!

Easy!

-Oooh!

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, yeah. Ohhh!

-That was great, Steve. Really, really good.

-Good.

That's gonna work perfectly. I think the clothes make it tighter.

It'll be all right on the day.

I'm not doing it naked.

Well, that's how babies are.

-Babies don't have to be funny.

-I think you look funny naked.

"Every man thinks less of himself for not having been a soldier."

-Dr Johnson.

-Yeah, well, you are one now.

-He would definitely have worn a hat.

-I've got a hat.

-No question about it.

-I hate the hat.

Yes, well, you're not Uncle Toby, you're, er...

-Rob Brydon.

-That's it. I was trying to tell the wife about it,

but I couldn't remember your name.

-Hi, Steve.

-Hi.

This is all in aid of re-shoots for the big scene.

-I'm not in the battle scene, so...

-No.

-What do you think?

-Not bad. The hat's a worry.

-Yeah, it's historically accurate, so I have to wear it.

-Jennie.

-Mm-hm?

-Can I get a coffee, please?

-Yeah, sure.

-Rob, do you want one?

-Yes, please. Can I have a macchiato?

-OK, I'll try.

-Thank you very much.

Actually, Jennie, can I have, erm...one of those, as well?

Yeah.

-Shoes.

-Shoes.

-You're worried

-cos yours are different from Toby's...

-It's not that.

Walter, in all the scenes with Toby, is supposed to dominate.

This would have been covered in powder.

Because of the heels, it comes across that I'm, because I'm shorter,

-I'm overcompensating, like I've got Napoleon Complex.

-So you don't like the shoes?

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE I should dominate totally in those scenes.

It should be like I'm Gandalf and he's Frodo.

-"You shall not have the ring!"

-Very good, Rob.

-I do Steve, as well.

-Can we sort the shoes out?

-HE MIMICS STEVE:

-Can we sort the shoes out? I've got a big house

in the Hollywood hills. Look at my pool!

-That's Alan Partridge. I don't speak like that.

-I don't talk that way. Yes, I do.

Stop it!

Erm, so, Rob's too tall. Or you're too small.

No, Rob's shoes are too high.

Rob's short, that's a good thing. That's why he was hired.

-The problem's continuity. We've shot quite a bit with these.

-OK.

It should stand straight. These are too floppy.

This is not an ego thing, it... The shoes are key to the character.

-A character's soul.

-It's coffee, but it's not macchiato.

I don't understand why I'm here, then, in that case.

-They want you to do it in costume, is that all right?

-Erm, yeah.

-This is on the wrong shoulder.

-Just try that out.

Let's just try and get the hats on.

-"A-ha!"

-THEY LAUGH

-AS STEVE:

-I'm not a happy bunny.

-Hey. Thanks, I'll take over.

-See you.

Johnny thought it'd look good

-if we have some crew in the background. Is that OK?

-Yeah.

-How you doing?

-Great to see you.

-Can we start with, "Knowing me, Tony Wilson, knowing you, Steve Coogan"?

-Let's rise above that, shall we?

-You're right.

It's just, it's a TV series I did a long time ago

and I'm trying to, like, you know, sort of...change the record.

All right. Sorry, my fault. I did Rob yesterday,

and he does a fantastic impersonation of you.

They said, "Make it like Steve Coogan." Well, Steve,

no matter what he's doing, is basically, "Oh, you're so dirty!"

I mean, that's basically whether he's Walter, Tristram, Steve or Alan Partridge,

it all boils down to that. Steve's hero is Roger Moore and, er...

Roger Moore's style of acting is not...

-MIMICS ROGER MOORE:

-..a million miles away from Steve's.

If you do an impression, I see it as a sincere form a flattery.

He pretends he's taking the piss but he loves me really.

-I think he's a bit obsessed with me.

-Steve Coogan, why Tristram Shandy?

This is the book that many people say is unfilmable.

Erm, I think that's the attraction. Erm... Tristram Shandy

was a post-modern classic,

er, written before there was any modernism to be post about.

So it was way ahead of its time and, er, in fact,

for those who haven't heard of it,

it was actually listed as number eight on the Observer's, er, Top 100 Books Of All Time.

That was a chronological list.

-Right. Well...

-OK.

'If you want to see the interview, it'll be part of the DVD package,

'along with extended versions of many of the scenes

'which should act as footnotes to the main film.'

It's called The Life And Opinions Of Tristram Shandy,

so I guess it would be Tristram's story, whatever else you might hear.

-Steve Coogan, Tristram Shandy, thank you.

-Thank you.

OK, thanks. Great.

-I was pleased when I heard you were doing this. It's my favourite novel.

-Really?

-I love it. It's fantastic.

Who's playing Widow Wadman? It's my favourite character in the book.

-She's not in the film.

-No?

-No.

-It's a great love story.

-I know, in the book it's a great love story

-but there's so much in the book, they've gotta...

-I understand.

-Time for a drink?

-I can't. The bloody missus is here, so...

-Don't you worry.

-Let's catch up in Manchester.

-OK.

-Great seein' you.

-Lovely to see you again.

-OK.

-All right, boy.

-Thank you.

Ed?!

-Oh, Mark, er, I need to talk to you about something.

-Shoes, yeah?

-Yeah. There's a bit of a problem.

-Talk to Debbie about them.

-OK.

We'll have a look at the rushes, as well, for the battle stuff.

-It's a status thing.

-I understand.

-Eight o'clock, is that all right?

-Yeah.

Steve. Steve, hi. Can I grab a lift with you?

The, erm, minibus has gone and left me stranded.

-Yeah, sure. Yeah, er, just hop in the back.

-All right.

-It's quite chilly, isn't it?

-It is.

-Yeah.

Brrrrrrrr!

Oh, sorry, Steve. I'm blocking your way.

-I'd screen-test for Alexander Payne, yeah.

-Steve, so would I.

So would Rob Brydon.

Oh, er, OK, I'll see you back at the hotel. OK, bye.

-Sorry, that was my agent.

-My agent as well.

-He just wants to talk to me

-about some scripts from America.

-Right.

-Yeah.

-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Fuck you, asshole!

Fuck you, you son-of-a-bitch asshole! Fuck you!

I'm taking you down!

I hate battle scenes.

I think they're boring. I just don't understand

-why they're re-shooting this one.

-I couldn't agree more.

There is so much in that novel. Why would you choose THAT?

-Do you know what I mean?

-Exactly. Why not choose Widow...what's-her-name?

No, cos that's a love story. Love stories are just as boring as battles.

What is so original and exciting about the novel

-is the Tristrapaedia.

-Where Tristram...?

No. No, it's, er, where, erm, Walter spends the entire pregnancy,

like, compiling this book of knowledge, like an encyclopaedia,

just for his son.

The Jewish custom of circumcision came to the Jews

by way of Egypt, or possibly from the Syrians,

or the Phoenicians or the Cappadocians, which suggests...

..that, er, Solon, and Pythagoras and Ptolemy

were all circumcised.

If they submitted to it, why not you?

-I think that's brilliant.

-I love the, erm...dedication

that Walter shows to his son. I can really identify with that.

In the end, you know, like, Tristram grows up

and he's nothing like his father wanted him to be,

it just all goes wrong, like we all go wrong, because ultimately

-the way we turn out is just all a matter of chance, you know?

-Yeah.

Like, for instance, my mum, she, like, spent her entire life

dedicating herself to me. She washed, she cooked,

she cleaned, she ironed, she worked in the evenings.

-She made her life a fucking misery.

-Yeah.

You ask yourself, "What was that all about?"

-Look at the road. TYRES SCREECH

-Sorry.

But you do ask yourself, like, "What is that all about?" You know?

That should be in the film.

You know, originally, I was gonna play Tristram and Walter.

Yeah, that's when it was gonna be a sitcom.

God, look at them! This is gonna be massive!

SHOUTING

There's loads of them! They've all brought their own tents.

I didn't know they had caravans in the 18th century.

Steve! How you doin', man?

-Knowing me, Gary Wilton, knowing you, Steve Coogan.

-It's eight years ago, that series.

-I know, but everyone loved it.

-I know.

-We met on the set

of Around The World and in Cannes for 24 Hour Party.

-Oh, right.

-What a night, eh?

-I can't remember it. Must've been good.

Yeah, indeed. Listen, er, I spoke to your agent.

-I'm doing a profile on you for Sunday.

-I'll talk to him.

-Yeah, great. Good guy.

-Hello!

-Hello!

-How are you?

-I'm good.

-How are you?

-Nice to see you.

-BABY CRIES

-Nice to hear us!

-You look fantastic.

-I look dreadful.

No, you look like a mum who's having to do everything

-cos her husband is away filming.

-She's got a nanny!

-But she has a nanny, so that's OK.

-Yeah.

-See you later.

-All right.

I'm gonna try and get him down. Can you give us a hand?

-I've gotta see Adrian. Five minutes and then I'll come back.

-See you later.

-Hello!

-Hello!

-How are you?

-Very well.

-You've just missed Jenny.

-No, I just saw her.

-Do you mind if I just have five minutes with Adrian?

-Do you want me to go?

-I'd like you to go, yeah.

-I'll go in the other room.

-Catch you later.

-See you later.

-Do you want a drink?

-Yeah, can I have a vodka tonic, please?

Ooh, the catering must be good!

-Well, it has all these running snacks.

-All snacks and no running, by the look of it.

Sorry about Gary being here.

Yeah, I just saw him outside. He's a very...unpleasant man.

-Do you remember anyone called Hedda?

-Gabler?

-Gobbler.

-She's a lap dancer,

and by the sound of what she says you got up to in your hotel bedroom on the 20th January,

you ought to be able to remember her.

-Oh, fuck!

-Did you have sex with her?

-No.

-Drugs?

-No.

-You didn't have sex with her?

No.

No, you didn't?

No, I did.

Anything weird?

-Hmmmm. No.

-Good.

She's trying to sell her story to Gary's rag, that's why he's here.

I promised him a feature if we can limit the damage.

He wants to do a big spread on how your life has completely changed

since you've had a baby. All very soft and fluffy.

-Well, erm, I'm not going to do that, so...

-Well, just think about it.

-It's using my son. I'm not gonna do it, so...

-Well, all right.

Just do it. It's done. It's over. It's just...

Look, here are the scripts from...America.

The best of the bunch is HBO,

it's an English aid worker who loses his memory and falls in love with his own daughter.

I've read it. It's rubbish. It's just...

-And it's TV, as well.

-HBO do a lot of good stuff.

I'm too young to play someone who falls in love with his daughter.

You'd have to be a paedophile.

You've gotta try and think two films ahead.

-But don't you need two films for that?

-That's what I'm trying to do.

-I'm gonna see Jenny cos, er, I said, er...

-The scripts.

-Oh, the scripts! Add those to the rest.

-Yeah.

-See you at the rushes.

-See you.

-All right, cheers. Thanks.

-Bye.

Steve! Steve!

-This is David Ingoldsby.

-Hello.

-A genuine 18th-century soldier.

-17th century.

-You look good for your age.

-He's got hundreds of enthusiasts

and, erm, they're all willing, able

-and, er...cheap.

-We do it for nothing, to be honest with you.

Don't tell him that, or you'll be doing it for nothing!

-It'd be great to have a photo of you cos I am a huge fan.

-Fire away.

-Do you want me to take that for you?

-Just point and shoot.

-Okey-doke.

-Steve's just been in, er, Around The World In 80 Days.

-Any battles?

-Erm, well, er, not really.

-It was, er, a Jackie Chan film.

Do you know, the, erm, the best battle scene is in Lancelot Du Lac.

-Bresson?

-Yeah, that's right. Yeah, the Bresson film.

It's just these two knights and they're both encased in armour

and they just keep clobbering each other. It goes on forever,

just hitting and hitting and... It's actually...like a metaphor

for life, you know? It's about the impossibility

of connecting with another human being because we're all wearing these carapaces, this casing,

this...this rubbish, really.

And the more they hit and hit... actually, the less they impact.

-It's...it's just really, really moving, actually.

-Mm-hm.

-Wow.

-See you later.

-OK. See you later.

-See you later.

-What was all that about?

-Yeah, she is a bit of a film nut.

-You should hear her when she's on about Fassbinder.

-Fassbinder?

I've got a list of the men that fell. 92 died that morning,

so your chap was lucky to be alive. I could fix up your lot

with real accurate names

and then they could shout out their names to each other

-in the heat of the battle. What do we think?

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

-Have you seen Cold Mountain?

-Yeah.

-What did you think?

-I thought it was good.

I thought Nicole Kidman was a bit old, but it was a good film.

-No, the battle scenes.

-Oh, fantastic! Very, very good.

That explosion and when he jumps down...

Shite.

Utter shite from beginning to end.

Woefully inaccurate.

-Right.

-We wouldn't be interested in participating in a pantomime like that.

Right.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Splish-splash! Water! Look at you go!

-Oh! Oh, God!

-BABY CRIES

Aw, dear!

-Will you bath me later?

-No, I won't.

-Though you could do with one.

-Those are pheromones.

Mm-hm. Can you put the cot up?

-A lot of women find that sexy.

-Daddy gonna put your cot up?

What's this?

Bach.

It has a calming effect on babies.

My parents never played me Bach,

they played me, er...the New Seekers.

I turned out fine.

-You like Bach, don't you?

-GURGLING

Yes, it makes you happy.

-Jenny.

-Yeah?

Do you think I should have my nose straightened?

Do you think I've got a character actor's nose

-or a leading man's nose?

-I think it's YOUR nose.

I think when the time comes, I'm just gonna have a chin tuck

and then leave it at that.

Ssh!

(He's just nodding off.)

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-(No! Don't answer it.)

-Hey.

-Hi.

-Sorry to bother you, but they're screening the rushes now.

-OK.

-I'll slip into something more comfortable.

-OK.

-What is it?

-Er, I've gotta go see the rushes.

-Sorry, baby.

-Do you have to?

-Yeah. I won't be long.

And I least I don't smell any more.

These bottles are filthy. You'd think someone would clean those.

-Joe!

-Hiya!

-How ya doin', mate?

-How are ya?

-Good.

-How are the kids?

-Good.

-How many is it now?

-Seven.

-You've got seven children?

-Yeah.

One for every day of the week. There's a good Groucho Marx story.

He meets a woman with seven children and says,

"Why have you got seven kids?"

And she says, "Because I love my husband." He says, "I love my cigar

"but I take it out now and again."

-Here's Mark. Have you got the tape?

-No, Peter's got it.

Mark's put together a rough assembly of the battle scenes

and, as you all know, we had very little money when we shot it.

We have a possibility of an exciting film, but with a small hole in it

where the battle should be, which we need to re-shoot.

Er, but we can talk about that after we've seen what we've got. OK, Peter, I'll do the lights.

Mel Gibson's not gonna lose any sleep.

The model is more impressive than this.

'Stand by! Cannons to reload!' I am leading literally tens of men.

This is the pole-vaulting team, yeah?

-I think what we need is a bit of a score.

-Yeah.

-Who's the composer?

We haven't, er, made any decisions about that.

HALF-HEARTED APPLAUSE

So, everybody, that's where we are now.

-If anybody wants to say anything...

-I think that that scene,

because it looks so cheap, it actually makes it funnier.

-It works cos it's funny.

-It's not supposed to be funny.

Toby's supposed to be funny,

-the battle is supposed to look like a battle.

-You looked good in your costume.

-ALL: Yeah.

-There's a problem with that, too,

cos some of the costumes are...out of period, about 50 years out of date.

I think I saw a Roman centurion at one point.

You either go for proper, full-on Braveheart,

clearly that's not an option,

or you go for silly man in a comedy battle, which is well within our grasp.

-We need to re-shoot it.

-Gotta have the battle scene

-or we haven't got the movie.

-I was reading through some old drafts.

-There never was a battle scene, was there?

-No.

What about the chestnut scene? When you asked us to finance the movie,

you acted a scene where you dropped a hot chestnut down your trousers.

'I mean, that's why we gave you the money.'

-It went well, I thought.

-Except it's not Walter who does it, is it?

I mean, it won't be Steve doing it in the film.

-Hang on. Are you serious?

-It doesn't matter, though, cos it was just a...

I've been practising that for weeks!

'First I tried to keep it small.

'Then I pushed the idea of him struggling to control the pain.

'Then I just went for lots of energy.'

That looks too contrived, that.

-Do you wanna try it with a real hot chestnut?

-Try it with a real one.

Just experiment, see the general reaction. OK.

Argh! Argh! Fuck! Shit! You've put it...!

Fuck! Fuck!

Argh! Just get it out! Please, mate, get it out! Please! Please!

Argh! You've got your hand on me fucking knackers! Get off! Get off!

Get off! Get your hand out! Jesus, man! Fuck! Ow!

Fuck! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh!

It's out! Argh! Fuck! Argh!

-Do you want some water?

-Oh, fucking hell!

-Some water?

I'm all right, I'm all right! Fucking hell! Fuck!

You had your fucking fingers on me arse-hole!

-I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.

-Fucking hell, man!

-Very sorry.

-I mean, you know, take 'em for dinner first, you know. Fuck!

-Sorry.

Oh! Ooh!

-We've all seen battle scenes. How many times have we seen a chestnut scene?

-We need more of Uncle Toby.

Erm, Toby's character is the strongest character,

it's the funniest character. The battle scene is Toby's scene.

That's irrelevant. The bottom line is, how much will it cost?

Well, we think we can pull it down for 100,000.

See, I think the audience that will come and see this film

-is not interested in big action sequences.

-Anita,

we don't have the luxury of time cos these guys are out there now,

-loading up the muskets.

-Don't try and hold us to ransom.

-We need to talk about it.

-Simon, take Anita and Greg off

and chat about the things you need to chat about.

-See you later, Steve.

-Go.

-There's a shoot issue.

-It is an issue of status.

Put the lights out, please.

-You can hardly see the shoes.

-I don't really see what the problem is.

It is important, character-wise, to see that height difference,

in terms of seniority of the characters.

-Is there anything we can do about...?

-Erm...

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

We can, erm... take an inch off Rob's heel

and put a...thicker sole on Steve's shoe.

-Are you all right with that?

-That would be great.

-OK.

-Fabulous. Thank you very much.

-Steve, are you coming to the meeting?

-Well, that was brilliant.

-Steve.

-Steve, Gary's waiting in the, erm, in there.

-All right. Mark.

See you later. Listen, erm, er, I've got to talk to this guy.

-Five minutes and I'll be up.

-OK.

-I wanna talk to you about that.

Erm, sorry, love. Listen, er, I'm very sorry about the other night, OK?

-It was last night, actually.

-Oh, right. I was drunk.

Just so I know, are you sorry because you kissed me

-or are you sorry because you were drunk?

-Er...both.

Slightly less sorry that I kissed you cos it was very nice,

-but I don't think it was, er...

-Anyway, I'll leave you to it.

-OK.

-Hi.

-Hey. All right, buddy?

-How ya doin'?

-Are you well?

-Yeah, good.

-Are we good?

-Er, I've gotta go to a script meeting

and I've gotta do the dad, the, kind of, boyfriend thing

with Jenny and the baby. So can we postpone this till tomorrow morning?

-Look...

-No, you can but, listen, I've gotta be honest with ya,

everyone wants to run the story about the girl. You don't want that

-because it's weird...

-It's not weird, just embarrassing.

-Yeah, but she's saying some stuff about the...

-I wanna play ball, too.

-All right, so...

-I appreciate this. Yeah, 7am tomorrow morning.

-I don't think they'll go for it.

-DOOR OPENS

-What's better - the chicken

-or the beef?

-These rooms are fantastic, aren't they?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

I'm in the, er, Charles I suite. Apparently he stayed in there.

Yeah, just before he was beheaded.

-Is that true?

-Yeah.

-Do you want a drink, Steve?

-I'll have a vodka tonic, please.

Joe, can we talk about the script?

Even if we get the battle scene shot, we're still gonna be under.

It's a big book, there's plenty to choose from.

I think I'll have the lamb shank.

Given that the story's about Walter's love for his son,

-then I think that Walter should be there at the birth.

-It's the 18th century,

men didn't do that. You are a 21st century man, but Walter can't be.

He talks to the fucking camera. He can be emotional.

If you saw Walter holding the baby in his arms,

-you would forgive him all his flaws.

-But it would look terrible.

It'd be like in Robin Hood where Kevin Costner delivers a baby.

The thing is, he's got a stupid mullet haircut.

-What about those scenes that you pitched?

-Like the black page?

When the parson, Yorick, dies, the book has a completely black page.

I don't know how interesting a black screen's gonna be for an audience.

The original cover for Anarchy In The UK

-was inspired by that page.

-But Yorick isn't in the film.

-He used to be.

-Hardly anybody's in the film, that's the problem.

-I like the black page.

-Why did we want to spend a year of our lives making this film?

-Because it's funny.

-Is that all?

-Is that not enough?

-If it's genuinely funny, that is enough.

But it has to be genuinely funny.

What was all that stuff Patrick told us when we visited Shandy Hall?

The theme of Tristram Shandy is a very simple one.

Life is chaotic, it's amorphous - no matter how hard you try,

you can't actually make it fit any shape. Tristram himself

is trying to write his life story but it escapes him

cos life is too full, too rich to be able to be captured by art.

And his father, Walter, tries to plan every aspect

of Tristram's birth, conception, childhood and so on,

and his plans all go wrong. Walter puts it this way...

Did any man ever receive so many lashes?

HE SOBS

Walter is the most unfortunate of men

and if his life can be celebrated, then, so, too, can all of ours.

What about Widow...Wadman?

I've been pushing for that since the start.

-That's a romantic comedy.

-Oh, it's bollocks!

Who will you have for Widow Wadman?

-She might be free.

-Kate Beckinsale?

-That's good.

-Gillian Anderson.

We know that she loves the book and Mark met her in LA.

-Did you?

-We couldn't afford her - she'd cost more than the battle scene.

-No, but Gillian Anderson is an American film star.

-I think she's Canadian.

I'd make it a real movie if I had a real star.

-Two stars.

-I don't see myself as a star.

-I'm a craftsman, like a medieval craftsman.

-With a Porsche?

-Yeah, I'm a medieval craftsman with a Porsche.

-Two stars.

I just think that that's gonna be the review.

THEY LAUGH

"Tristram Shandy, two stars. Jonathan Ross."

We can't get somebody in time.

Well, I've only written three drafts with the widow in.

I'm going to bed. I've gotta go and see Jenny.

-See you later, Steve.

-Bye, Steve.

-See you later, Steve.

-See ya.

BABY CRIES Jenny?

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

Hey! Awwww!

Hey! Hey!

Oh, dear, dear!

There we go.

Oops-a-daisy!

# My Bonnie lies over the ocean

# So bring back my Bonnie to me

# Bring back

# Bring back

# Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. #

ALL TALK

-Ah, here he is!

-Hello!

Thank you! Sorry, just changing the baby's nappy.

We heard it all.

-It was very lovely.

-# My Bonnie lies over the ocean... #

Do you want to do a musical next?

Oh, I see! You've been eavesdropping on me.

-We're celebrating.

-Brilliant idea, mate.

-The money men are lapping it up.

-Gillian Anderson said yes.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-But we only spoke about it five minutes ago.

-I know, but I phoned her agent in LA.

-Joanna, hi.

-Hi!

-I'm calling about Tristram Shandy.

-We're filming at the moment.

-I know. I read the script. I love it!

-Oh, great! I wanted to talk to you about Gillian Anderson.

-She's right here.

Oh, hello! Mark's right here.

-Hi!

-Hi, Gillian. Hi.

-Hi, Mark.

-Remember I was telling you about Tristram Shandy?

-Oh, I love that novel!

-We've decided to include the Widow Wadman...

-I love that character!

-..and you know what a fan I am of yours, so...

-Oh, that's so sweet of you!

-Obviously, it's a low-budget film.

-Don't worry about that.

-That's fine.

-Gillian's interested in the quality of work.

-Great!

-That's right.

-We need you right away.

-I can fly tomorrow.

-OK, bye.

-OK, bye!

-Bye!

-Yes.

-Jesus, that was easy!

-Yeah, that went well.

-Well done!

-So she's coming over tomorrow.

-That's fantastic!

-Was Gillian Anderson the one out of Baywatch?

-No!

-That's PAMELA Anderson.

-We've already got one blonde with big tits. Why do we want another one?

-You're rude!

-Thanks.

-I loved The X Files.

-# My Bonnie lies over the sea... #

Do you know, Rasputin had a wart on his penis.

-We're gonna go upstairs.

-OK.

-Thank you so much for the champagne.

-That was lovely. Bye.

-Goodnight.

-Night.

-Just off to have a bit of sexual intercourse.

-THEY LAUGH

-Spare us the details!

I don't think that's their baby. It just seems so unreal, so perfect.

She's very good for him, very grounding for him. Don't you think?

-Steve.

-Jesus Christ!

-Sorry. Sorry.

-Can I have a very quick word with you?

-How long have you been there?

-I've just been waiting for you. Sorry, just two minutes.

-Yeah, sure.

Fine.

SHE SIGHS

Have you heard the news? They're trying to get Gillian Anderson

-to play Widow Wadman.

-That was my idea.

-Was it?!

Yeah, the Widow Wadman thing was my idea.

You know how I feel about Gillian Anderson. I've got posters of her!

-I think the woman's an angel.

-I don't understood what the problem is.

-Do you want a drink?

-Yes, please.

I'll have a vodka tonic, thanks.

The thing is, I can't act...

-I know that.

-..with Gillian Anderson. I have a proper sexual thing

for Gillian Anderson, and if I have to do a love scene with her,

-I will blush.

-But Toby would blush. That's good. Channel that.

-That's method acting.

-Yeah, right.

-Cheers.

-There you go.

-You've not got that many scenes with her, anyway.

They're putting the whole of the love story in.

Steve, you've read the book. It's 100 pages. You have given me

a love story with my favourite,

my ideal woman, my perfect ten-out-of-ten actress,

and I am going to be stammering and stuttering

my whole way through it. Thank you!

Erm, right, I've gotta go and talk to Jenny.

Listen, Jenny mentioned about this stuff with the, you know,

-it's not been as good since the baby.

-Did she?

-All men lose their libido.

-Rob, I don't have a problem with libido,

I just don't have the fucking time! For fuck's sake!

DOOR SLAMS

-MIMICS STEVE:

-I have no problem with my libido.

-Have you seen my book anywhere?

-What book?

Tristram Shandy - which book do you think?

There it is.

What are you doing?

-Come here!

-Can you believe a book as thick as that

-hasn't got an index?

-It's a novel, not a cookbook.

Widow Wadman...

-Widow Wadman...

-It's book six.

-How do you know that?

-And book eight and book nine.

So you knew it would be for Rob, and yet...?

-What are you talking about?

-Rob now has a bigger part than me.

-Bet he hasn't!

-He's got the battle scene

and he's got Agent Mulder from...

Scully.

And he's got big heels.

And you've got me, and you've got a baby

and you're playing Tristram Shandy.

Yeah, I am playing Tristram Shandy, and you know what?

-At the end of the book, he's not even born. Who told me that? No-one.

-Steve...

I have travelled 200 miles by train with a baby

-just to have sex with you.

-OK, this is not about my libido.

I've got a...

' "Presently, I hope I shall be sufficiently understood

' "in telling the reader my Uncle Toby fell in love." Fuck.'

She's a wealthy widow. She sees Toby,

she falls for him, but she's worried about his equipment.

' "..a man is fallen in love, deeply in love,

' "up to the ears in love." '

If it is not intrusive, Captain Shandy,

I am agog as to what actually occurred at the Siege of Namur.

I have a model just yonder of the city

as it appeared to the besieging forces

-on that morning in 1695.

-You interest me strangely.

The English and the Scots came out of trenches on the right.

I'm quite perspiring with anticipation.

You must know, Captain Shandy,

that I have taken an interest in you,

but...before we go further on that matter,

I must reassure myself of your...fitness

for marriage,

of the state of your equipment.

Would you like to see my model?

I must know EXACTLY where you were injured.

Madam, I'll show you

the exact spot.

-Are you sure?

-You can put your finger on it.

-Just beyond the asparagus.

-Yes, quite right.

Out of the way.

I am flattered, Captain Shandy, that you would take me so far

into your confidence.

I received my injury

at nine of the clock

-right here.

-That was great!

-Thank you.

-Fantastic!

Rob. Rob, this is Steve from the New York Times.

-Hey, I'd love to do a piece on you.

-That was a really good job, by the way.

-You...!

-Was it good?

-Yeah, great.

-Where's Steve?

-I really wanted him to see that one.

-Steve's over there.

Hello!

-Rob! Rob!

-Did you hear my laugh?

-I heard A laugh.

-Steve Coogan? Hi.

-Hello.

Very pleased to meet you. Sorry about this.

-I didn't realise you were so small.

-Much smaller than me.

-Come and see.

-This membrane looks like it's about to burst.

..and then there'll be a muscular spasm.

-Fuck!

-Oh, my God!

-THEY ALL LAUGH

Jesus!

That's the funniest thing he's done for years!

-That's disgusting.

-I don't know why I'm so small!

-I didn't realise he was so small.

-He really is small.

-He's tiny.

-Rob?! Rob?!

-That's his actual size.

Rob, I thought you were a mate!

BANGING

FIREWORK WHISTLES

-You should go to LA and spend some time there.

-I would go but...

-Do some meetings.

-I want to go.

-You should.

You're gonna be hot after this movie.

I just wanted to apologise

for the fact that this is a complete historical cock-up. To make it a bit more fun,

I'm gonna give everybody a character name, OK?

Eli Thrift.

Erm, Free Fornication Williams.

-Pikeman, have you got a pipe?

-Yeah.

-Well, then, you shouldn't be wearing a gorget. Take it off.

Have you heard? They're so chuffed about Gillian Anderson,

-they're gonna give us some money for the battle scene.

-Great.

Joe's had an idea for the birth scene so you can be there.

-Oh, brilliant! That's great.

-I'll see you later.

Where's your pretty wife, Steve?

-Hello.

-So, they're gonna have the love story AND the battle scene.

It's great. It's like some Hollywood version of Tristram Shandy.

Yeah. Fassbinder would never have sold out like that.

-You know Fassbinder?

-Mm.

Wow! Which is your favourite film?

The whole... The corpus, the body of work.

Fear Eats The Soul.

-Yeah.

-There's more truth in that title

-than there is in most whole movies, you know?

-Yeah.

The thing is, you know, he's such a powerful writer.

You know Schatten Der Engel? That is my favourite.

-Do you know that one?

-Er, is that the one with all the sex in it?

No, it's where, erm... Ingrid Caven is this prostitute, right,

but she's so beautiful that she doesn't even need to, like,

touch the punters, they're just happy to, like, sit in a room

and just look at her. The thing is that humanity is so disgusting

that they kind of, like, invade and pollute her with their problems

and their insecurities so that in the end,

it's actually better for her to just fuck them.

It's cleaner for her to fuck them than listen to them.

So you're watching the move and you're just like, "Just fuck them!"

-Do you know what I mean?

-Fuck them, yeah.

Fill me with your babies.

Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wh-Wh-Wh-What did you just say then?

-Sorry?

-What did you just say then?

-I don't know.

-I think I said, "Fuck me," I think.

-No, you...

No, you said something else. That's not what you said.

-It's what I meant.

-Listen, erm,

you are fantastically attractive

and your knowledge of German cinema is second to none,

but, er...

er, I've gotta get back to Jenny.

I've got work in the morning, it's an early start.

-I'm gonna get to bed.

-6:30am call, eh?