Anita and Me

'This is Anita. Gorgeous, isn't she? And a natural blonde.

'This is me - Meena. I'm not blonde, but I've got nice eyelashes.

'Anita is my best friend in the whole world.'

Ow!

Ow!

Aggh!

SPLASH!

'I never thought this would happen, either.

'In Jackie Magazine, people always say, "I love you to death."

'I never got it...till now when it's too late.

'Anyway, it all began in spring 1972.

'I live in a village called Tollington,

'which used to have a mine, but now has a very good pub instead.

'There's loads of places to explore in Tollington,

'except for one place where nobody dares to go cos a yeti lives there.

'It's this big house. We call it The Yeti's Big House.

'Mrs Ormerod sells everything, except high-heel shoes, which she says are "the footwear of Satan"

'and leads to "babies left on doorsteps instead of milk".

'In case the devil comes, we've got a new vicar with a groovy haircut.

'We call him Uncle Alan. Grown-ups call him "that hippy bugger".

'Our yard is a hotbed of poptastic action, thanks to a famous rock star living there.

'You probably recognise him - Hairy Neddy.

'He has a troubled love life, even with a dual pulse electric organ.'

I'm sick of you and your frigging organ!

'My village, full of merriment, mayhem and a mysterious monster.'

"That's why I love in Tollington, the jewel of the Black Country."

-I wrote it on my own, Miss. I got some words out of Reader's Digest.

-Yes, Meena, very...

'Brilliant? Bold? Bosting?'

-..florid.

-'Florid?

'I'll give you florid!'

Then I saw this shadow in the trees.

It was this big shaggy head that blotted out the moon and, yes, it was the yeti.

I ran, but I tripped over a skull and it was getting nearer... OW!

If you spent as long on homework, we'd have a genius in the family.

'My mum has the face of a princess and the mouth of a teacher.

'She teaches at MY school, which means THIS always happens to me.'

Karen, my star pupil!

She got a scholarship. She's just done a sponsored swim for the mentally ill.

-What do you want to be when you grow up?

-A blonde writer!

-A blind doctor. A doctor who treats blind people.

Come on! I'm fed up with you messing yourself.

-You think pants grow on trees?!

-'Our new neighbours.

-'Mum's avoided her until now.'

-Oh, little tinkers, ain't they?

-Yes.

-Oi, Deirdre, get in here! I need a hand in the bedroom!

-You can say that again!

-'We won't invite them round.

'That's the Lowbridge family. This happens nearly every week.

'That's the first time that's happened.

'Sam has hair like Donny Osmond, but, unlike Donny, he smokes and brews cider.'

All right, Mrs K?

'This is Sandra, very pretty, but still not married.

'Maybe cos she's got ginger hair. Neddy said he was colour-blind.'

Nice one, Sam! >

Don't let him back, Mavis, you hear?

She will. She likes getting the shite kicked out of her.

< In! Get your dad to clean you up.

I'm on late shift today! Better get your beauty sleep then, you ugly git!

Hark at madam! Just moved here and thinks she farts perfume.

Where's your Brenda? Missed the bright lights. Gone back to Willenhall.

I'm glad Sam hit his dad. Is that bad of me?

-No. Poor Mrs Lowbridge. How awful to have a husband like that.

-Yeah.

Can't all be hitched to Omar Sharif!

We have to be twice as good as the English.

'My papa, the film star. He's married to...the princess.

'They're very disappointed with me. I've worked out why.'

Was I adopted?

What did you say? Adopted?

-Did I say it? I just meant to think it quietly.

-What is wrong with you?

Everything is a story or a rude quip. Stories don't butter your chapati.

-I came second in the school essay competition.

-Second? Who was first?

Your entrance exam is... ALL: ..11 months away.

HE SPEAKS PUNJABI Homework.

'Papa has a degree in philosophy and asks the universe big questions.'

I asked the universe big questions about life, death and meaning.

The universe replied, "Don't bother. You'll end up as an accountant

"with a boss who can't spell and wears a wig, but we work."

My friends like my stories.

-You don't need friends. You have us.

-Education is your passport.

-'Education is your passport...

'Right(!) I've had six years of education,

'so how come I'm not disco-ing in America with David Cassidy or sunbathing in Spain with T Rex?

'The furthest I've been is a school trip to the sewage works in Dudley.

'We get visitors. Mum and Dad invite any Indian they meet in the street

'to pinch my cheeks and eat all the best biscuits.

'There's loads of them and somehow they fit in one car.'

Bloody hell! What's the next trick?

'Oh, God! Auntie Shaila. Mama says she has a big heart which Papa says goes really well with her mouth.'

Don't talk to me. Dragging me every time to this bloody jungle place.

Dog mess on my sandals and all the inbreds staring at us.

Come in! Come in quickly.

Amman?

We've just run over a hedgehog.

Its cries of pain will haunt me forever.

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!

SHE SPEAKS PUNJABI

-Pardon, Auntie?

-There.

You see that? You should move near us.

Meena could go to Hindi lessons with Pinky and Baby - pick up some decent habits.

Urinating in phone boxes, hitting old ladies? I've heard about your estate.

-The sky, the trees, it's the closest we get to home.

-Look at our view.

Forget the view, you silly poet. Worry about your daughter.

'There's no place like home.

'There's no space in my home.

'I wished for a tornado to whisk me away, and she came.'

# In a world that's constantly changing

# How can I be sure

# Where I stand with you?

# Whenever I

# Whenever I'm away from you... #

-< Meena! Play fairies with us.

-Bog off, Pinky and Baby!

What's your...

name?

'What was a groovy chick like her doing in Tollington?

'Maybe she was lost like me, here by mistake, waiting for something to happen.'

# Whenever I

# Whenever I am away... #

'I only knew two things - one, Mama and Papa wouldn't like her...

'..and, two, I already did.'

What's your name? Be my mate. What's your name? Be my mate.

-What's your name? Be my mate.

-First sign of madness, talking to yourself.

-Sorry, Sam, I didn't see you. Sorry.

-She's a bad 'un. Keep away from her.

-Who says she's bad?

-Same folk who call me a bastard, which I am.

They call you something long enough round here, it sticks like shit.

You're like a little brown doll. Do you know what they call you, Meena?

Can I get up now? I can't breathe.

-Who's that?

-Nobody.

Anita Rutter, her sister.

'Anita Rutter - even her name was exciting and full of mystery.

'She's got a gang called "the wenches". I'm sure they'll let me in when I tell them my special skill.'

-I once got 17 sherbet saucers in my mouth...at once.

-It's big enough!

-What, like your arse?

-That's me dad, that is.

He won medals for blowing up Jerries.

-Did he blow up men who WEREN'T called Jerry?

-Are you slow or just funny?

-Don't know. Funny, I suppose.

-I like your eye colour.

-Eye shadow it's called. Shadow? You don't know nothing, do you?

With respect, THIS is the approved church charity this year. It was voted on. That's how democracy works.

You've only raised enough for some tinned pineapple and a blanket.

How many babies will you save? That's why I'm giving out these, to get people to give more.

It's the brotherhood of man. And "charity begins at home"?

Get away from those sweets. Satan's sticky fingers are unwelcome.

The church roof needs mending. Half the choir got bronchitis last winter.

Little black babies or our pensioners struggling with phlegm.

The world is getting smaller. Don't get left behind. I visited my daughter in Brighton.

I know about the world, thank you.

I was the first person in this village to ingest a scallop.

If that's what progress tastes like, you can keep it.

Goodbye, girls. ..Goodbye, Meena.

BELL RINGS ON DOOR Meena, chick, I didn't see you there.

Seen our Julie's latest postcard? Rome, see?

"Me and Barbara having a great time." That's her flatmate. Nice, bit hairy.

-They have fun. You can tell a person by the company they keep. You know what I'm saying?

-Yes, Mrs Ormerod.

-S'pose your dad might like to give something.

-We're not African!

-I know, chick - who is?

We've started a church roof fund. I'll get a leaflet for your dad - I know he likes reading.

Keep an eye out for me, Meena, chick.

Let me!

Meena...

Oi!

Drop it!

Hurry! She's gonna get us.

Come on! ..Oi!

-We'll be OK. It's half past four.

-What happens then?

The factory bus.

# I hear you knocking

# Go back where you been

# I begged you not to go but you said goodbye

# Now you're telling me all your lies

# I hear you knocking

# But you can't come in... #

Mum, where you been? Shopping.

What did you get me? Window shopping. Get in!

-What's for tea, Mum?

-Fishfingers.

-Oh, I love fishfingers.

-Here you are, wench. See ya.

She called me a wench.

-I wanted fishfingers.

-Go and eat in a restaurant. Have you forgotten I work all day as well?

-OK.

-Anita has fishfingers all the time.

-It's why British kids have rickets.

-Have you started your homework?

-Let her eat.

-Just ask if you want any help.

-English food is easy.

Boiled till it tastes of nothing, but this - this is home food, it doesn't just fill your tummy.

Now, eat.

-Papa?

-Hmm?

-Were you in the war?

-Which war?

-The one with the Jerries.

-I didn't fight Germans - poverty, partition, the British.

-Which British?

-The ones that live here?

-They were in our country in India.

-If you didn't like them, why did you come here?

-You'll understand when you're older.

-Anita's dad's a hero, with medals.

-..Nobody gave us any medals.

Now, finish your dinner and do your homework.

-They have their bog roll delivered - that soft stuff that doesn't skid.

-Who lives there?

Never seen them, but Jody Hitchen drownded in their lake, years ago.

-Everyone says it was...

-The yeti!

-You what?

-Yeah, I seen it.

When?

Nita? ..Nita!

-Nita, what are you doing?

-I'm going in. What's it look like?

-No, Nita! You'll die. The yeti will get you.

-'I have to get to Nita before the yeti does.

'Everyone else is too young or scared or fat to save her.

'She won't know how to handle a man-eating monster.

'He might be playing football with her liver, wearing her eyeballs as earrings, snapping her fingers...'

Stop!

Don't fall in, wench, or you'll never come up - no bottom, see?

-There's ghosts at night, like Bob Monkhouse, but greener.

-If I'd fallen in, would you have saved me?

I can't swim. No point in both of us dying. I wanna die somewhere else. Somewhere better.

-I ain't meant to be here.

-I think that all the time.

-I'd try to save you, but I'd save myself first.

-Oh.

-Good place for our den, wench. What do you think?

-Our den?

Yeah, bosting!

'Anita's not scared about having our den in the yeti's garden.

'She says anyone who's seen her mum in a mini skirt ain't afraid of anything.

'Perfect match - Anita's glamorous and I'm good at tidying up.'

# You can stretch right up and touch the sky... #

'She loves my stories and as long as I keep her laughing, she doesn't punch me. It works quite well.

'We're gonna get a flat in London on the King's Avenue in Chelsea.

'We're gonna wear high heels, have loads of boyfriends and a pony.

'Gonna zoom up the new motorway and never come back.

'It's all planned, it's all ours and it's all perfect.'

Sandra's been riding Hairy Neddy like a good 'un. Remember the noises we heard.

-She didn't seem to like it much, all that crying.

-You don't know, do you?

-Yeah, I do. ..What?

-How people do it, make babies.

-Yeah, I do. They get married and then...

Bog off!

-Ugh, you're lying.

-Your mum and dad have done it.

-No, they haven't.

-It's different in India, with tubes and an operation.

-Everyone does it. Your mum and dad do it a lot.

"The Cathy And Claire Problem Page, Jackie Magazine, London.

"Dear Cathy and Claire, My mama, mum, is having a baby, and no-one told me,

"even though they are always on at me to tell the truth.

"Also, although I have nice hair like...Dusty Springfield,

"I'm also coloured..." 'No.' "I am brown. Will this stop me getting a guy...ever?

"Love, Confused of Tollington.

"PS: Thanks for the article on how to attract boys with Morse code.

"It has enabled me to contact our local monster, which has proved very useful."

'Dear...yeti...how...are...you?

'We...are...fine.

'Please...don't...eat...us.

'Love...the...wenches.'

'Uncle Alan says we must remember that people are born good. Papa thinks we are the choices we make.

'Auntie Shaila reckons anyone whose eyebrows meet in the middle will murder you for a shilling.

'Why do things that are bad for you make you feel great, like sweets and swearing?

'I asked Uncle Alan what the hardest part of being good was. He said turning the other cheek.' Hi, Hairy.

-Yeah?

-I mean, Neddy.

-Hi.

-Can we talk to you about the new motorway?

Er... Right through good farming land.

They're bringing us pollution instead of jobs. The fat cats ignoring the common man.

Yeah, but it means I'll get to Birmingham in half an hour, which is brilliant.

Wanna play the Moseley Palladium. Neddy Young...

Here, I've got a 34" inside leg - should be big enough to hold your organ.

Thanks for your time. ..Meena, the Lowbridges.

THEY CHANT "Go away, motorway!"

Hiya, Sam. Can we talk to you about the new motorway?

All right, chick? Come in. Fancy a cider, fag?

Eh-up, lads, it's the god squad! No, Sam.

This is about saving this village, so that lads like you have a future.

You deserve better than this. Tell you what.

The sooner this shithole shuts down, gets rid of all the hairy rockers and old biddies smelling of piss...

and the, er...rest of the rubbish, the better.

Oh, yeah, and, remember, Jesus loves you!

-(Should we pray for him?)

-If you like. ..Right!

THEY CHANT "Go away, motorway!"

This is the one, kids.

I can feel it in my bones.

You don't own me. I could burn me bra!

Give us some warning in case the village burns down, you fat cow!

-You low bastard!

-Mummy!

Right, next house. ..Coming, Meena?

-The fair's come. They're putting it up now.

-Yeah!

Sorry, Uncle Alan.

Meena.

-I don't like those girls.

-They'm putting a fair up. Everyone's goin'.

-"They'm"? And the word is "going". Do you know what day it is?

-Diwali.

-The festival of light, when Rama came...

-Do you know what it means?

-You don't get presents like you do at Christmas.

-Presents? That's what life is.

This "it's my life" stupidity. "I gotta go to the bingo" selfishness.

"You kids eat crisps instead of hot food" nonsense.

Meena, we all have obligations. No-one is born alone.

-Have you finished your homework?

-Yes, Mama.

-You can go for five minutes. Change your clothes first.

-Oh, no! Please!

And a letter arrived for you. Who have you been writing to?

"Dear Confused from Tollington, Growing up is a difficult gig.

"Why not help your mum when the new baby arrives?

"As for getting guys, always smile. Guys won't date a grumpy girl.

"Look at Michael Jackson, he loves his colour and so should you.

"It's important to love who you are and learn how to apply lip liner, love Cathy and Claire."

-Hi, Meena.

-Hi, Nita. It's our Christmas today.

-We can see that. Did Santa bring you those pyjamas?

-They're not pyjamas, lard-arse.

-Piss off!

That really suits you, Nita. You've got a Marianne Faithfull lip line.

Me and Nita did this Jackie quiz - "How hot are you with boys?"

She was "steamy". I was "sizzling".

I did that quiz. I was a "red-hot mama".

Them lads are watching us. ..Hey, bingo, girls.

I'm having the tall one, right?

'In Jackie, it says you're supposed to play hard to get and say you like football.

'Oh, yeah, and tell him he smells nice, even if he doesn't.'

-What did he say?

-He says he wants to shag the arse off me.

Meena, do you know what that means? "Shag the arse off you"?

It means he really, really loves me.

Come on.

Hello, gorgeous.

# Helter skelter

# Maybe I can help her

# Dance, dance, dance the night away Oo-ee-oo-ee-oo! #

No chance, chick. He don't do charity work.

# ..She's the only one who makes me wanna rock and roll... #

-FEMALE LAUGHTER Hello, Meena.

-Happy Diwali, beti.

At Diwali, you must make a wish.

I wish I was called Sharon and had blonde hair.

"They are salwaar kameez, which we wear in the day.

"You are wearing a hippy-dippy cheesecloth rag that we wrap cows in.

-"You've lost your face under make-up and you think

-I

-look funny?"

They've got some strange habits. They sit in their own dirt and call it a bath.

And the way they wash their dishes, not in running water, in soap, no rinsing!

-They charge elder children rent.

-I've heard this, too. They treat their pets better.

The woman next door kisses her doggy.

-More than she does with her husband, who's gone, by the way.

-Gone? Where?

Gone. This man called Kenneth, who wears tank tops and those "show everything" trousers, has moved in.

The other night, this Kenneth person turned up...

Meena, beti, take some nibbles through.

Go on. ..Go on!

There I was at Paddington Station, £5 in my pocket, nowhere to sleep, then I heard somebody shout...

HE SPEAKS PUNJABI It was me!

It was him. It was the first time we met.

I thought, "Save him from knocking on a door - 'no blacks, no Irish, no dogs'." I said, "That means us".

He said, "We're blacks?" I said... "Woof! Woof! Woof!" Woof! Woof! Woof!

Amman, you saved me. From the girlie in the catsuit. She was just being friendly.

They're all friendly, till you want to meet their family...

-Meena, go and play in the kids' room. SHE TUTS

-Bog off, you two!

BOY CHANTS IN PUNJABI

APPLAUSE So clever.

Such a clever beta you are.

- Two times table. You must be proud. - Taka!

SHAILA GIVES DIRECTIONS IN PUNJABI

Come here, Baby. So proud of you.

Meena also has many skills.

Meena, do something clever.

-I can read you a story I'm sending to Jackie Magazine.

-Story? Very unusual.

"Web Of Dreams by Meena Kumar. Shantal was a looker with long, shapely legs and dreamy eyes.

-"The first time she saw Brett Clifton, she knew she fancied him like mad."

-Meena! How about a song?

What about the Punjabi one we know?

Oh, come on, Meena. Come on, Meena.

SHE SINGS SLOWLY IN PUNJABI

-She sings Punjabi with a Birmingham accent.

-Meena, you must learn how to sing your own songs.

# That's right, that's right I'm sad and blue

# Cos I can't do the boogaloo

# I'm lost, can't do my thing That's why I sing, gimme that thing

# Gimme that, gimme that, Gimme, gimme, gimme that Gimme that thing, gimme that

# Gimme, gimme, gimme that thing Gimme, gimme, gimme that thing

# Gimme, gimme, gimme that thing! #

That was really, er, groovy. That was a real jammin'.

Fantastic!

-Meena.

-So sweetly done, so...modern.

-Where did you learn this song?

-Off the radio. It's my favourite.

I could just shag the arse off it!

-- Aggh!

-No!

-- Oh! - Aaeee!

TALKING DOWNSTAIRS

'The whole world's having a party, except for me.

'Even the yeti's come out of the woods again,

'to dance to Papa's music.

'Maybe Punjabi and yeti language are very similar.

'If he can have fun, so can I.'

SINGING IN PUNJABI

# Ye-e-eah!

# Ye-e-eah!

# I can tell that you've been hurt

# By that look on your face, girl

# Some guy brought safety to your happy world

# You need love but you're afraid that if you give in

# Someone else will come along and sock it to you again

# One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl

# Oh, give it one more try before you give up on love

# One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl

# I don't care what they say I don't care what you heard

# I could make you happy, baby Satisfy you too... #

Did you see that bundle over by the big wheel? I'm shaking. Look at me.

Bag of nerves. ..Fancy a chip?

Cheers.

-Ray's gonna give me a free ride.

-Oh, yeah? ..Room for one more, Ray?

# ..One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl... #

Yes!

-Did you all beat up Hairy Neddy?

-Don't like rockers.

-You a mod then?

-Don't like mods.

-Who DO you like?

Nosy little wenches who talk too much.

Here you are.

'This is the first time I've held a gun.

'It's the first time a boy's put his arm around me.

'I should tell him he smells nice, but he doesn't.'

# I'm sitting in the back porch

# On the northwest side of town

# You should have lost her way up in the city Where they shot my baby down... #

-Let's go find Ray.

-No!

-He said he'd show us his caravan. I know where it is.

-I've thought of something better. Let's go to the den.

-At night?

-What about the yeti?

-Anita, are you a wench or what?

Come on, the yeti's gonna get us!

-How-ow-owl!

-Bog off! He won't get me. It's our Christmas today.

-Are these yours?

-No. Maybe yetis celebrate Diwali as well.

My diary!

SCREAMING

There IS something here! Let's go!

-I've gotta find my diary!

-It's only a stupid book.

-It's not stupid, it's...

Nita, wait!

Nita!

'It was magical. It was a miracle.

'It was a waste of time. The one time I do tell the truth, nobody believes me.

'Mama and Papa will tell me off for lying...again.

'and go, "You've embarrassed us in front of our "relatives" and...'

Where's Mum?

SHE SHOUTS IN PUNJABI

Take your bloody shit food and your shit weather and shove it up your bottoms!

Now, stop it, Mrs Kumar. I know you Asian ladies have a very low pain threshold.

'My brother was the longest baby born at New End Hospital.

'Auntie Shaila says it's worth being ripped in two for a boy.

'Mama and Papa only speak to me to check I've done my homework. He smells of custard. I hate custard.

'I'm getting hair in strange places.

'What if it carries on growing and I end up looking like a werewolf?

'Not that anyone would notice - everything's changing.

'The only thing that hasn't changed is Nita.'

# Baby, baby, baby! #

Aggh!

Oi!

'We had the whole summer together.'

-True love - makes you puke, doesn't it?

-Yeah. Bleugh!

-'We are the official hard wenches of the yard.'

-Get lost!

-Ow! I can't.

We're locked out again. Where's Mum?

'We're a gang of two. No room for boys...ever.'

-All right, girls?

-All right, Sam?

-Cat got your tongue?

-Same one that got your hair.

-Different, in't it?

-I'm thinking of having a feather cut like Lynn in New Seekers.

-Huh!

Mummy!

-You're creasing my blouse. Is your dad in?

-No.

-I'll not stop long, then. Here you are.

-Oh-h!

-Look.

-Don't say I don't give you nothing.

-Hello.

-He looks like a woolly rat.

-I'll woolly rat you! He's not yours.

Every hamster, every goldfish ends belly up with you. God knows what it'd be like if you had kids.

-Shame you did.

-You what?! I left school to have you!

No-one's born a mother, Nita. You'll find that out one day.

-Doggy.

-Do you like him?

-I love him. What's he called?

Nigger.

Hello, Nigger.

'Nita never cries. It's one of her rules.

'But she's stopped laughing at my jokes.'

Nita!

'It's hard being a talented older child that never gets the presents.

'It's time WE got what WE deserved.'

TOGETHER: Thank you.

Oh, they'm like little dolls, ain't they?

Like my Julie when she was little, apart from the hair oil, of course.

Is that special oil or just chip pan stuff?

-Jasmine oil, I think.

-Jasmine? Fancy!

-No sweets today, Anita Rutter.

-She'll share mine, Mrs Ormerod.

Look, we've taken over the fund.

No more African babies!

Church Committee executive decision. Contributions welcome, chick.

-Actually, Mrs Ormerod, my mum wanted some Brillo.

-Oh, Brillo.

Oh, I wanted to show you my Julie's latest postcard.

She went to a Greek island, no less.

"Me and Barbara doing what comes naturally in our favourite place, Lesbos."

You could buy a pony with this.

It's for you, all of it. I did it for you, Nita.

Dad will punish us, Meena.

If you tell, you're dead! Get it?

You let your daughter run around like a wild animal!

She can swear, but she can't speak one word of Punjabi!

There was no swearing, just stealing.

We knew you before you came here. Now you act like the Royal Family!

Let's not bring our Queen into this.

Please, let's calm ourselves. We are none of us seduced by "maya" as you call it, the illusion of wealth.

What I'm saying is, we don't care about the money.

Oh, yes, we do, Alan! We've a leaky church roof to mend.

Over my dead body! You're trying to take over the church, little Hitler!

Some of our dead husbands fought Hitler, so hippies like you could swan around in improper trousers.

- Gentlemen, ladies, please... - At least we're respectable.

-We do things the right way.

-What is that, big expert(?) You tell me!

-Fascist! Heathen!

-Show-off!

-Sweeper! Enough!

Please, I can't bear it. My heart will burst with anguish. Please stop! Stop!

There's a solution, Mr K.

I've talked to Anita Rutter just now.

Let's see if the stories match up, eh?

Remember, Meena, God is watching.

..My God is, anyway.

Meena? The truth.

Mrs Ormerod went into the back to get a postcard.

Pinky grabbed the tin and hid it down Baby's bib, honest!

Seems I owe you an apology, Meena.

Hia ram.

What next? Boyfriends, babies, pot? SHE SLAPS THE TWINS

Do you remember who you are?! Shaila, easy, easy.

Don't be too hard on them. There isn't anything missing. I checked.

Satisfied?

I'm so sorry.

Auntie Shaila has been my best friend since I was your age, Meena.

She chose my wedding sari, she fed me when my papa died, she held my hand when I had you.

-Is Anita going to hold your hand when the dark days come? Is she?

-Leave her. It's done.

-You are not to see that girl again, understand?

-Yes, Mama.

'I have sent a note to Nita to tell her the terrible news about the ban.

'It's the hardest thing I've ever had to write,

'and when she reads it, she's gonna feel like me, chopped in half.'

PARENTS ARGUE DOWNSTAIRS

'It's not fair. We're both under the same sky, but so far apart.

'Even the yeti's abandoned me.

'Can life get any worse?

-'Well, it can. Not only am I wearing pink and green together...'

-Meena!

'..but Mama's decided I need saving and is taking me to a temple.'

Put the other bit on.

-REVVING, TYRES SCREECH

-'She's only just passed her test. I'd better start praying now.'

BEEPING

THEY SCREAM

-Meena, get out of the car and tell everybody to move back.

-No, Mama...

-Meena, do it now!

-Please!

-OK? Meena!

-It's so embarrassing!

-'You know people have nightmares about walking around naked?'

-HORNS BEEP

Sorry, my mum's rolling back. Could you...?

'In my nightmares, I'm always dressed exactly like this.'

Ta.

Bosting, mate.

HE SPEAKS PUNJABI

Er, sorry, er...move back.

Er...Uncle.

'It's going very well.

'I've impressed everyone on that bus. This is a piece of cake.'

-HORNS BEEP

-Sorry, missus. My mum's rolling back. Could you...?

Stupid wogs! Should stick to donkeys, shouldn't you? Stupid bloody wogs!

INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS

'I had lots of questions ready to ask God, but once I got there, I couldn't remember a single one.'

Meena.

-'And, anyway, I didn't think

-I

-was the one who needed saving any more.'

Meena, take this.

That could be you in September.

Such a good school, they even teach you fishing.

-It's lacrosse.

-Well, French isn't important. Sciences are better.

-But I'm good at English.

-Beti, all Indians are, but it's nice to have a hobby.

-Mama, what if I don't get in?

-Of course you will.

That's why we left everything and came here.

No pressure, beti.

'I've realised I now have enough pain to create something truly bosting,

'so I've started writing professionally.

'My pen name will be Sharon de Beauvoir.

'I may not have consumption...yet,

'but like all the great writers, I am lonely and different.'

Why don't we have flowers in our garden or a fountain or gnomes?

Because this isn't an amusement park - it's earth, it's alive.

We can eat everything that grows here.

Where I grew up, I pulled sugar cane from the fields for my breakfast,

and squirted milk straight from the goat into my tea.

We had a cobra under the peepul tree and peacocks on the roof.

A cobra? Peacocks?

We were a bad combination back there, too much brain and no rich parents.

At least here there are no bribes to pay to get by and no peacocks.

-All right, Mrs K?

-Yes, fine, Mrs Rutter. You scared me.

-Lovely weather, eh?

-Yes.

-I suppose you're used to it, coming from Pakistan.

-India. We're from India.

-Anyway, please excuse me.

-I was wanting a word with you, actually, about Anita.

-Have you stopped your Meena from playing with her?

-Well...

children change friends sometimes, it's nothing to worry about.

-Are we not good enough for you? Is that what you think?

-Anita's welcome at our house any time, Mrs Rutter.

Yeah, well, that's OK, then, cos, see, my Nita, she might act tough,

-but they all need their mates, don't they?

-Yes, they do.

See, we can only do...we can only do our best, us women, eh?

-Tough tits, though, in't it?

-Very tough...tits, yes.

Right.

-# You've painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair... #

-Go away, go! Go!

# Ruby, are you contemplating going out somewhere?

# The shadow on the wall tells me the sun is going down

# Ruby... #

"I have to find some happiness before I get too old and everything sags.

"I love you - Mum."

Is that it?

She spelt "happiness" with one "p".

Sorry, Mama.

I know I'm not supposed to see them.

'Anita's mum has gone off with a butcher called the King Of Sausages,

'leaving Nita's dad to look after her and Tracy.'

-This is only because the girls have no mother.

-Yes, Mama. Thanks, Mama.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

'Guess who's coming to dinner!'

Hi, Nita, wench.

-Are you wearing blusher?

-I might be.

-Hello, Anita, darling. Where is Stacey?

-Our Tracy didn't want to come.

-Oh, OK.

I don't know where Papa is. Take Anita through to the dining room.

-(Where's that?

-TV room.)

DOOR OPENS

Daljit.

HE SPEAKS PUNJABI My wife, Daljit.

-THEY GREET IN PUNJABI

-We saw you working on the motorway.

-I met your sister, is it - Shaila? Is she here?

-No, we haven't seen Shaila for a while.

THEY TALK IN PUNJABI

-Please stay.

-I'll come another time.

-What happens if you're not hungry?

-You're in big trouble.

-What's that?

-We call it matar paneer. It's cheese with peas.

-Cheese and peas...together?

-Go on. Try it.

Now, this is bhoona chicken.

-You've had chicken before, haven't you?

-What's that stuff round it?

It's, er...

Daljit?

-Gravy. Tomatoes, onions, garlic...

-What's garlic?

Uh! Ain't you got knives and forks?

In all the top restaurants, this is how they eat, with their fingers.

-Only common people use knives and forks.

-Honest?

-Oh, yes. Cutlery's square now in London.

'And so, it finally happened. Anita and me broke bread together. Well, fishfingers anyway.'

-Bwwrrp!

-God!

-Darling!

You know, there are some places in the world where if you do a burp, it shows you've really enjoyed the meal.

Absolutely. It's a compliment.

-Bwwwrrp!

-You're welcome, Anita.

So, what have you been up to, then?

-Nothing.

-Have you been down to the den?

So, what do you wanna do now?

Have you heard from your mum?

-Oh, them are, um...

-This is bosting stuff. This would make a fab mini dress if you cut the bottom off.

-Oh, look at these. Better than Fat Sally's poxy Biba scarves. Can I?

-Yeah.

-What happened?

-What do you think?

-Does it hurt?

-It's supposed to.

-I hope you hit him back.

-Soft cow.

-CAR DRAWS UP

-I gotta go.

-Nita, don't.

-I do love you, you know.

-Geroff! Are you a lessie or summat?

-It's just...someone's waiting for me.

-Can I come?

No, not this time, wench.

Absolutely wonderful evening.

I will come again. You HAVE to come again. ..Goodnight, Anita.

I'll be back. OK.

'Anita coming round to dinner last night changed our luck.

'Papa got news of his promotion and he celebrated in the usual way...'

-Bugger!

-'..by making a mess.

'We'd all been wishing for things to change, and they did, in an instant.'

Have you seen this?

Daljit.

Daljit!

Every time I see you, I end up wanting to say sorry,

but it's not enough.

Is it, Meena, chick?

DALJIT SHOUTS, PLATES SHATTER

I work all day next to these people, teach their children!

-Don't you understand that I can't live like this?

-I do understand.

-I'm too tired.

-SUNIL CRIES

It IS the same sky, isn't it?

My mother, my two sisters, my cousin's brothers, servants.

We had servants to help.

They left him in a ditch like a dog.

I'd die without you.

Don't do this to me.

I'm here.

I'm just so tired.

It IS the same sky, isn't it, Shyam?

My grandmother has lived in a small Indian village the whole of her life, until two months ago.

'We call her "Nanima" and she's my mum's mum.

'She looks like my mum, except she's browner and more creased.

'Because Nanima is SO special, she's even brought Mama and Auntie Shaila back together, unfortunately.

'Mama says when Nanima was a girl, she looked just like me.

'After all the pretend relatives, finally a real one.

'She hasn't even pinched my cheek yet. This is a very good sign.'

OK, everybody. Say "paneer". ALL: Cheese!

'In India, old people are considered very special and very wise.'

Slurp!

'She doesn't say much, or speak any English,

'but somehow we all understand her perfectly.'

-Thwrrp!

-Ha-ha!

-'Nanima's also helped my mum a lot with my brother.'

-NANIMA SINGS

'Sunil is eating a lot better and has finally learnt to share his food!

'Nanima seems to have got used to Tollington, probably because she comes from a village too.'

It is fun having her around and I hope she stays for a long time.

Right, Meena. But you did know this week's essay was "My Best Friend" and not "My Best Granny"?

You never say when my work is good, Mrs Rowbottom. Why not? Don't you like me?

Now don't be silly. Sit down.

It was good, Meena.

The five "k"s of the Sikhs are kangha, kara, kesh, kachh, and...

-Brought the rest of the family over?

-My nan's here...on holiday.

On holiday, in Tollington? That's a good 'un.

-First time I've got you on your own, without Nita.

-I'm not on my own.

SAM SNIFFS

Come out the way, Sam.

Shit! Jesus Christ!

SHE SPEAKS PUNJABI

Oh, yeah. The fifth "k" - kirpan, dagger.

Oi! Leave it.

-Oh, is this your nan, Meena, chick? I heard she was coming over.

-Yes, Mrs Ormerod.

Welcome to England. Not too cold for you here, I hope.

Does she speak English, cos your mum and dad speak it lovely, don't they?

She speaks four languages fluently AND she does kung fu.

You should bring her to the village fete tomorrow. Fete!

The fete! It's traditional...round here.

NANIMA SINGS TO SUNIL

I like your songs, Nanima. They're like my stories.

They fill up a hole somewhere, like after a big dinner.

Nita's my best friend.

She's been a bit busy at the moment but she said she'd like to meet you.

Can you tell me a story, Nanima... about India?

NANIMA SNORES

'The fete was just the same as it always was.

'As usual, Carl Rowbottom had the only wash he gets all year,

'As usual, Papa won at the tombola, but wasn't impressed with his prize.

-'Nanima got into the spirit of the occasion and her English is coming on nicely.'

-Shut up!

-'Sandy tried to flog her stuffed toys which looked like they'd been in a car crash.'

-A...rhinoceros.

The devil's beasts. Gross mutations of our Lord's wondrous creatures.

-'The toys weren't all Sandy had been stuffing.'

-Gonna buy one before she has the baby, and save us from hell?

-'And, finally, there was the reason

-I

-bothered to turn up.'

Nita, I've been looking for you everywhere and I called for you.

-Do you want a free ride?

-'That's when things started going wrong.'

We have managed to raise £40 today, so give yourselves a big clap.

Woh!

There we go.

I know you have questions... Who's getting the money?

It's him. It is.

OK, OK, well, as you know, the Babies For Africa appeal began this year...

FEEDBACK

Right.

As head of the committee,

we've decided that this year's takings go to the Tollington Methodist Church Roof Fund.

APPLAUSE

Bloody rubbish, the lot of you!

Church roof, eh? What's that gonna do for us?

- We'll meet to decide what to do. - They'll do nothing but talk, Uncle.

Giving everything away to some darkies we never met. This is our patch, not a wog's handout.

You shut up, Sam! You don't speak for me, son!

Shut it, you silly sod. Dead hard, that Sam Lowbridge.

-That's what Nita says!

-He's romantic. Last week, he bought me a fish supper.

-When did you start courting?

The night we went Paki-bashing. You know that Paki from the motorway?

He was at the bus stop in a suit! Dead funny. I didn't do much. I just held Sam's chips, like.

Stupid Paki didn't do anything back. He just stood there and took it.

'That night we went Paki-bashing. I just held Sam's chips, like. He just stood there and took it.'

'Come on!'

-And then we kissed, with tongues and everything.

-Ugh!

HORSE NEIGHS AGGRESSIVELY

'What's your name? Be my mate. What's your name? Be my mate.

'What's your name? Be my mate. What's your name? Be my mate.

'What's your name? Be my mate. What's your name? Be my mate.'

-It's just a sprain, Daljit.

-She could have been killed, Shyam.

She wouldn't even tell me how it happened. She's full of secrets.

Why? Is it our fault?

-We could find out.

-I'm scared of reading that.

It's silly, isn't it?

We might find out that our daughter wasn't the one that we planned for.

No, mata ghia, I haven't told her yet.

She will miss you.

Our village was very modern -

electricity, flush toilets, BBC on the radio.

-How come you're speaking English?

-Listen. You may learn something.

Did your mama tell you about the cobra under the peepul tree?

The peacocks? SHE LAUGHS

Did you know I went to school? I could read and write.

I made your mama go. Never did we think we were less than men.

Often we were more - cooking, caring, teaching, fighting.

I bore four children and looked after ten others in the family.

The land fed us.

Then the English soldiers came and only stones rained from the sky.

Nothing we owned was ours any more, not even our names, our breaths.

We lost everything,

and moved to Delhi.

Your mama's schooling spoilt.

We started again.

A rah baba! What is there to fear if you've already lived so many lives?

And how many more to come, Meena?

How you live them is up to you.

'Nanima left two weeks ago.

'She took all her stories with her.

'I don't know if I'll ever see her again, so I'm revising very hard for my entrance exam,

'and trying to write a story of my own.

'And now the summer's well and truly over, I prefer to be at home.

'When I fell from that pony, I stared into the jaws of death, or should it be the hooves of death?

'Anyway, since then, I have become quite deep. Spraining my ankle has actually cleared my head.

'And the more I write, the worse I feel,

'but I have to do it, to keep going, like everyone else.

'Yes, since my accident, which I shall call the Sprain of Destiny,

-'I

-have finally grown up.'

# ..Nothing gained Nothing still-born or lost

# Nothing further than proof Nothing wilder than youth

# Nothing older than time Nothing sweeter than wine

# Nothing physically, recklessly hopelessly blind

# Nothing I couldn't say Nothing why, cos today... #

AGGH!

BOTH: Good luck for tomorrow, Meena.

-Get a good rest tonight.

-Almonds and milk. It's brain food.

- Can I put this down now? - No.

-What are you doing?

-Oh, er, this? Um...well, radiators increase value of the house.

Queen Elizabeth's is near us. When you pass, you can be our neighbours.

-IF! If I pass!

-SHE SPEAKS PUNJABI

Ai! When did she learn to speak Punjabi?

Give a big clap for our "almost grammar school" girl.

-Did she learn from you?

-No.

-QUESTIONS IN PUNJABI

-Bolo Punjabi!

-EVERYONE JOINS IN THE CHANT

Now I'm back in Dilruba Coffee House, my chiffon suit, remember?

-It's where your papa read his poems to your mama and won her heart.

-He even published a book.

I was Dehli College champion runner. Your Uncle Amman, he won prizes for his paintings. ..Huh?

You kids, you don't know what we were.

Come on. One last dance to wish her luck.

-Amman!

-Come on!

THEY CHANT IN PUNJABI

Go easy! Easy, easy, easy! Amman!

Shaila, he'll be fine, he'll be fine.

Amman!

We'll drop him to the hospital. Call Sandy if you need anything. Don't open the door to anyone.

SHAILA WAILS

MOTORBIKES OUTSIDE

A right-angled triangle is always 90 degrees.

The distance between two railway tracks is exactly 4 feet, 8½ inches.

Aggh!

Piss off! Leave me alone!

-Go away, Tracy...

-You've gotta help Nita!

-I can't...

-He's in the big house woods and he's killing her!

There. Down there.

Nita!

-Nita!

-Bog off, Trace!

-..I hate you!

-You little sod!

-I'm gonna kill you, Tracy!

-Come here!

This ain't your patch any more. Piss off! Sam's mine. We're engaged.

-That's the ring off a Coke can.

-He's saving up. Sam's gonna live with me in the flat in London.

-There ain't no flat in London, you pathetic cow!

-Not yet.

-Never, Nita.

You're gonna leave me, just like everybody else.

-I hate you!

-Nita, I'm gonna write about us. You'll be famous one day, I promise.

That Paki we duffed up. He wasn't anybody. You're not like the others.

-I AM the others!

-Ow!

Get off me! ..Ow!

Ow!

Aggh!

SPLASH!

Nita!

Nita!

Nita!

'I prayed for help, for the only thing that could save us.'

Aggh! 'And he came.

'The yeti plunged into the bottomless pool, the water murky with memories and betrayal,

'to save the girl who broke hearts and couldn't swim.'

Please!

'He handled her lifeless body like a toy in his huge hands,

'and not sucking her blood, as I'd always feared, but forcing the life back into her.

'If he hadn't have come, I wouldn't have believed anything.

'He saved both of us -

'Anita and me.'

-That's more like it.

-Please. Just one more. It will help you.

-No!

-No more almonds!

-How will she remember anything after that shock?

Tell the examiner you're late because you nearly died, OK?

-Tell them you saved someone's life.

-It wasn't me.

No more lies...about anything. There's no need. We're so proud of you, whatever happens - understand?

Ask him if you can keep your hat on.

'I didn't tell anyone about the yeti. No-one would have believed me.

'The local paper called me a "pint-sized heroine" - actually it was "pint-sized dusky heroine."

'I thought the yeti would like that.

'Everyone said that Anita's recovery was a miracle. Anita's mum came and took her away for a while.'

Meena, hurry up! We'll be late!

'My exam results come today AND this is the last page of my diary, so the Sprain of Destiny strikes again.

'Nita is on every page, but she'll never read it.

'I think that's called irony, or is it satire?'

ORGAN INTRO TO "Son Of My Father"

This song - isn't it Chicory Tip?

# Gotta have your life run right... #

-We should have waited for the post.

-It won't change anything. The die is cast.

I'm not afraid to die. I've been on the other side. I laugh in the face of danger.

Amman... >

you had chronic indigestion.

You burped in the face of danger!

# Son of my father

# Changing, rearranging into someone new

# Son of my father

# Collecting and selecting independent views. #

Christ calls you into union with him and with one another. I ask you now...

Typical English wedding - boring, no food, bride up the duff... Shaila!

Which in normal English means -

Nedwell, do you really dig this glorious woman here?

Does she set your senses on fire, fill you with the inspiration that makes Dylan write songs,

bring the kind of peace that could turn bombs into flowers?

- You what? - Help me out.

- Does she float your boat, man? - A whole bloody battalion!

-Whoo!

-Whoo!

Meena, sit down! Shaila, shut up!

Sandy, is Neddy the cream in your coffee, the riff to your rhythm, the flower in your hair?

- The bacon in my bap? - Is he the man you can share the secret with?

The one that we all know, but find so hard to believe...

..that, without love, we're all really...

nothing.

- He is, and I do. - Me, too, chick.

So, in the sight of all our gods, I now pronounce you two groovy people - man and wife!

All right, Tollington! ALL: Hooray!

Goodbye.

I will say your namastes to India. to India. Enchante, Mr K.

Peace and love for that!

The postman!

It's here.

Go, go.

-Yes!

-Yes!

"Dear Sharon de Beauvoir...

"Congratulations. We have decided to publish your short story, The Sprain Of Destiny. Yours, Jackie Magazine."

Yes!

What is this Jackie Magazine?

Sharon de Beauvoir? >

OK, it doesn't matter. >

-She tried her best.

-You've passed!

-Meena, you passed!

-..Bloody hell!

'This is where stories usually end, right?

'A nice wedding, a good exam result, they all live happily ever after,

'but you can't have a happy ending when the person you really miss is missing.'

# Burning skull of pain! #

That was an original composition called Burning Skull Of Pain.

Right, we've got a bit of a treat for you now.

Mr Kumar and his friend are gonna sing a traditional wedding song from the Punjab.

Come on down, Mr Kumar.

# Penso che un sogno cosi non ritorni mai piu

# Mai dipingevo le mani e la faccia di blu

# Poi d'improvviso venivo dal vento rapito

# E incominciavo a volare nel cielo infinito-o-o

# Volare

# Oh-oh!

# Cantare!

# Oh-oh-oh-oh! #

Come on. Put your hands up.

# ..Nel blu, dipinto di blu

# Felice di stare lassu

# E volavo, volavo felice

# Piu in alto del sole ed ancora piu in su

# Mentre il mondo pian piano spariva lontano laggiu... #

Nita! I know you're in there.

I'm moving away next week. I did it.

I passed...and I'm glad.

Can't you be glad for me?

Nita!

We can't be mates any more... not now,

but I'm glad we were, you know, wenches together.

Look.

I hope you've got lots of Tupperware, Daljit.

Walsall's party circuit are holding their breath for your puddings.

We can take the new motorway back - so convenient. ..Amman?

Are you finished?

Let's go.

Ready, Meena?

Ready.

Shyam. ..Meena.

Bye-bye, house. Say "bye-bye".

Want to say bye-bye to our house?

Slow down.

-Stop!

-TYRES SCREECH

-Open the door.

-Where are you going?

BOTH TALK AT ONCE

I didn't get all of it, like, but what you wrote, it was bosting.

-Are you saying sorry?

-I said you wrote bosting stories.

Even the bits that hurt were good.

I write good letters, too.

-I've never read a letter, never wrote one either.

-Have a go, wench.

'I wrote Nita a letter, just the one, because I got really busy with the new house and new school,

'so I didn't much mind that Nita never wrote back.

At Christmas, she sent me a card - a fat Santa saying Merry Christmas.

'She'd crossed out Merry Christmas and written Merry Diwali, spelt wrong, of course,

'and a curly signature with three kisses underneath.

'I use it as a bookmark, so when I close the book, Nita's there, inside every story, with me.

'Oh, yeah. We also got a postcard from Uncle Alan in India.'

Stand straight. Don't pick noses.

'He said he was over his dysentery

'and that his best friend from vicar school is going to be Tollington's new minister,

'which Uncle Alan says "proves beyond a doubt that God definitely has a sense of humour." '

I'm getting enough of you!

# You're everywhere and nowhere, baby

# That's where you're at

# Going down a bumpy hillside

# In your hippy hat

# Flying across the country

# And getting fat... # Naughty woman!

# ..Saying everything is groovy

# When your tyres are flat

# And it's hi ho silver lining

# Anywhere you go now, baby

# I see your sun is shining

# But I won't make a fuss

# Though it's obvious... #

Very modern.

# ..Flies in your pea soup, baby

# They're waving at me

# Anything you want is yours now

# Only nothing's for free

# Lies are gonna get you someday

# Just wait and see

# So open up your beach umbrella

# While you're watching TV

# And it's hi ho silver lining

# Anywhere you go

# Well, baby, I see your sun is shining

# But I won't make a fuss

# Though it's obvious... #

Come on, everybody, come on.

# ..You're everywhere and nowhere, baby

# That's where you're at

# Running down a bumpy hillside

# In your hippy hat

# Flying across the country

# And getting fat

# Saying everything is groovy

# When your tyres are flat

# And it's hi ho silver lining

# Anywhere you go now, baby

# I see your sun is shining

# But I won't make a fuss

# Though it's obvious... #

Subtitles by Sarah Aitken BBC Broadcast 2003

E-mail us at [email protected]

# ..And it's hi ho silver lining

# Anywhere you go

# Well, baby I see your sun is shining

# But I won't make a fuss

# And it's hi ho silver lining

# Anywhere you go

# Well, baby, I see your sun is shining

# But I won't make a fuss

# Though it's obvious. #

Eh, Meena, what do you think?

I could shag the arse off it!